A lot of commentators suggest the story was difficult to follow. Fear not, for I have taken upon myself to watch the movie three (!) times taking notes to provide you with a comprehensive plot summary.

Clark Griswald is in prison for breaking one or more rules probably. Various prison guards or wardens or possibly just annoying guys who got separated from the group during a prison behind-the-scenes tour either decide to move Grindy to another location or reward him with a horse and buggy ride. In a thrilling CGI scene, Grin-man escapes by changing himself into another guy and flees to Paris because that's where he goes.

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Magic convenes to figure out how to recapture G-boy, who we now learn is one of the strongest magicians in the world. They ask the most powerful good-guy wizard, Dumbledore, for help. He refuses because he has exams to grade. The ministers slap cuffs on the most powerful wizard, prohibit him from teaching the Defense Against The Dark Arts class, and leave. Thus cowed by inferior wizards, Dumbledore goes inside and resumes teaching the Defense Against The Dark Arts class or maybe it's a flashback.

Dumbledore isn't exactly the heroic type, so the council chooses their second choice to combat the supervillain master criminal G-spot. The council opts for a wimpy bookworm milk toast author wannabe researching magical animals for a children's book because he's the brother of a minister and unqualified nepotism is just fine and dandy with these folks. Our hero accepts the urgent assignment and spends all of Act II stalking a girl who friend-zoned him hard several years ago and never looked back.

The evil Dr G, apparently unaware of the movie title, talks a lot but never gets around to actually committing the promised crimes. A few hundred random characters take up screen time with their own individual sub-plots that lead nowhere. The CGI team tosses in a few magical creatures every now and then in a desperate attempt to fulfill enough of the movie title's promises to forestall class action lawsuits over title fraud. After two and a half hours of other stuff happening in random out of sequence scenes, the movie ends so Depp can adjourn to the courtroom.

Three stars for everyone's ultimately futile attempt to entertain despite a horrifically written screenplay.