The Greatest Showman is the most painful cinematic experience I can recall. I heard this is one "the critics got wrong" and with some skepticism watched it in its entirety. Had I not watched it in a group I would have turned it off after 30 minutes.

The Greatest Showman is not a creative endeavor like any good art production should be. It's a movie made in a factory assembly line by a group of people who know what a movie LOOKS like, but lack any heart or imagination to cobble it together into anything but the most bland, generic pablum to turn a profit before heading back to the line to hammer out another one. It takes no risks and fails in almost all aspects of movie-making save costume design.

This is the not-so-true story of PT Barnum, a public figure no one was interested in learning about and certainly not this sanitized version. It's a rags to riches story with some moralizing about tolerance and family that we've all heard a hundred times. But even these most basic of Hollywood sentiments they can't get right. It's supposed to be about acceptance and tolerance of people that are different, and simultaneously be about a spectacle of bearded women, extremely tall & fat men, and black acrobats. The black love interest may be the most offensive character, as I honestly didn't even know she was black until it was suggested as much by another character. They don't even have the gumption to cast a character whose skin tone is more than 2 shades darker than Hugh Jackman. The actual black actor has no speaking parts whatever and is more a prop than a character, as is the fat man and the tall guy. You know what would have been interesting? Making the love interest the bearded lady. But this is Hollywood and the factory specs called for just a teaspoon of diversity and nothing more.

The story is a bore. The movie is scarcely 100 minutes but it feels like it goes on forever. It's squirm inducing from pillar to post, always threatening to end but never doing so. It's a risk-less, trite affair with passable acting performances and no stand outs.

Oh but it's a musical you say, so it's really about the songs and choreography, right? Fine, but these echo the production ethos of the rest of the movie. Every song could have been ripped straight from the top ten pop hits and no one would know. And in fact that's exactly what they did, there are at least 2-3 songs that I recognize from top 40 radio. It is the most boring, milquetoast music available, made in a boardroom. Every song sounds the same and none are memorable. The choreography could have been pulled straight from any MTV music video - with the addition of a few CGI elephants, lions, and the odd flaming hoop. The most offensive moment is when an opera singer performs. Finally! Something that won't sound like a pop song. But what follows is more Celine Dion or Barbara Streisand than anything even remotely operatic. It was that moment I knew the movie was beyond redemption and would have turned it off there if I wasn't watching in a group.

I am not a musical hater. You can make creative musicals like The Little Barber Shop of Horrors, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I don't even mind the classic 90s Disney movies or the new Les Miserables. But this? There is exactly one song number that was at least mildly entertaining because it helped with characterization and had a glimpse of novelty: Jackman's duet in the bar room.

Some people will argue this movie shouldn't have to take risks, it's a PG feel-good movie! But I didn't feel good. I felt a mixture of anger, boredom, irritation, and frustration. This should offend the sensibilities of any cinema-goer over the age of 15. The Greatest Showman is the worst kind of movie out there; so bland and produced it offers absolutely nothing new or interesting and the only thing worth discussing is how painfully mediocre it is before shoving it down the memory-hole never to be spoken of again.