Glacially-paced show plays like 30-year-old Spielberg outtakes – without the fun and charm. Cliché characters and scenes right from Close Encounters, E.T., and Goonies. And Poltergeist too. A Jaws poster hanging in a kid's bedroom is a nod to the show's vintage roots – and a scene that follows soon after. (Come on down here and chum some of this sh**!) The premise has got more than a little of Stephen King's It.

Every cliché in the book is here: the d**chebag boyfriend and idiot friends, the cute virginal girl who is coming of age and her geeky big-boned friend, the Goonies-like tweens and the bullies that persecute them, the creepy introvert, the slow sheriff who grew up in town, and the a**hole G-Men. It's deja vu all over again – in not a good way.

Winona Ryder's shrill, hysterical, nicotine-addicted mom grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard.

Millie Bobby Brown, who was so cute in Intruders, is going to be a huge star very soon.

It's great to see Matthew Modine. When did he turn 90?

Add a star if you like 80s hair styles and pop culture.