I have watched thousands of movies in my life, from the very best to the very worst. Even the bad movies have their redeeming characteristics: until now. The slow painful tedium was like a root canal, without the sense that it's actually worth it in the long run.

If you saw the first movie, you'll know that Spidey is a neurotic doormat desperately searching for something in the way of a personality. If you loved the first movie, you'll be pleased to know he doesn't show any sign of growing up and getting a life. He's still just as useless, and shows even less chance of getting over himself than ever. Nor will he ever get the girl, which, in this humble reviewer's opinion, is a good thing. She deserves better, but not by a heck of a lot.

Such morbidly pathetic characters can be watchable if there is some realism, wit or spark. Unfortunately, in Spiderman the acting is terrible, the dialogue could be written by an 8-year-old, even the direction and cinematography are weak and incoherent.

"So what," you say, "Spiderman is an action movie". I'm afraid not. Spiderman 2 is an inaction move. Nothing happens, dreary scene after dreary scene of Toby in a street somewhere looking expressionless. The greatest rush is when Spiderman's web malfunctions and he falls out of the sky. A fitting end, you'd think, but no such luck.

There are scarce few action scenes and they are among the worst paced I've ever seen. And we've all seen enough CGI recently to not be too thrilled by a guy with robot arms who doesn't do anything except wave them around a lot.

If you want to watch home movies of Toby Maguire tripping over his own feet on the footpath, this is the movie for you. It was about this point that I realized that my life was too short. About 20 minutes later, I realized I wasn't even watching the screen any more, so I walked out. I have never done that before.

I advise anyone who considers watching this movie, even for a moment, to go and find something better to do. Play outside, watch a pot boil, clean the toilet. Your life will be more meaningful.