The Martian has very little going for it. It is set on Mars, which is not on its own a detriment but not on its own a credit. I mean it's Mars. It's like any orgy for deserts, a very, very dry and chafing orgy for deserts; and it is cold. It has an overrated director. Where are my museum shots? I want 30 solid minutes of quietness and a sweep of jaundice sun, and the black, bitter space, and a whole mess of dialogue-free shrieks of sterile noise, emanating from canyons and potholes and mountains... I want wind! Think No Country For Old Men, or the first 15 minutes of 2001. Both by the way are by many, many light-years, a lot better than this film (and those films are not exactly flawless). This is for me a very forgettable submission... if not a very regrettable one.

It has a good but toothless cast. Ever heard of minimalism, Ridley? It's like an all-star team of the cute and endearingly rich and white... Oh wait, that's not a thing. Yes you have minorities, but I am sick of Chiwetel- poster child-Ejiofor and you-cannot-act-at-all-Donald Glover. The fat Chinese guy was cool, mostly because I did not know who the hell he was (also SPOILER his uncle in China heads up the Chinese NASA... if not tone- deaf, that is not exactly color-blind). Then there was Winter-Soldier-guy in space, and its-great-because-she's-in-everything-Kate Mara (oh and then SPOILER, they future bone and have a baby!).The German guy was cool, mostly because I did not know who the hell he was. Although... Jessica Chastain, I worship at the altar of your chin. As for Matt Damon, I did not like him when he was hunting for everybody else's good will and over the years he has failed to capture, kill, necro-hump and mount mine.

It has a so-so script. Mostly because it is always either the minutes of a science convention or Damon talking to himself about potatoes and disco music or a feel good Kumbaya bullshit circus of global teamwork and the implied promise of s'mores. It has a staggeringly tepid pacing, that ruins the otherwise swash-buckling vehemence of its plot. However, its pace is something I predict many will enjoy. The structure of solving one problem after another and then another, and then credits has its strengths... if we are talking about a 1980's arcade game. And why the weird, blooper end credits?

Not withstanding it spends its budget well, and it is better than Gravity. It is entertaining. It is innovative in a 1900 World's Fair kind of way, and there is a hidden masterpiece here. But unfortunately, it's hidden awfully deep. This could have been a fantastic 3 hour epic, but instead it rushes past the foreplay and jabs at you in the dark. In the end it's like... yay... science! And I'm like... okay.