I just don't get it. I've watched Gravity twice now. I'm seeing the lovely long takes, the exquisite vertiginous photography, and the clever sound design. I'm receiving the magnificent special effects loud and clear. But I'm not getting anything else from the film. When the praise for an artwork is so unanimously glowing, you find yourself either wanting to love it or inclined to hate it. But with Gravity, for me, it's worse than that: I find it mediocre. It's a classy space-based smash-'em-up for those who couldn't bear to admit enjoying J.J. Abrams' Star Trek movies.

The film is written by the director's son, Jonas Cuarón. The story concerns a rookie engineer, Ryan Stone (a solid, nappy-free Sandra Bullock), who we meet being guided through a Hubble mission by old-hand Matt Kowalski (a woefully miscast George Clooney, going full Buzz Lightyear). Soon the news comes over the radio that a cloud of debris is racing toward their position "as fast as a high-speed bullet" (as opposed to a sluggish bullet?). 90 minutes of spinning, dancing chaos ensues.

Alfonso Cuarón proved in 2006, with Children of Men, that he could push the boundaries of action cinema whilst also portraying interesting characters in a rich narrative. Gravity does the action stuff brilliantly, but the script is a B-movie stinker and the characters are... well, like film stars playing astronauts. Dotted throughout the film is beautiful imagery, but it's either irrelevant (Ryan curling into a floating foetal position) or accompanied by Clooney verbally informing us it's beautiful. These characters make the sight of the sunrise bland.

Imagine the zero-gravity scenes from 2001: A Space Odyssey stretched to an entire film. (Albeit with more explosions and a lot more gasping.) Kubrick was attempting to depict the complacency of humankind; how technology had drained the awe from our species. I'm not sure what the Cuaróns are up to here, beyond giving us a very elaborate and expensive tech demo. Are they simply trying to make us experience a visceral thrill, or is there something deeper? Something about the way we humans are forever spinning away and towards each other? Alas, father and son are only here to elaborate on the physical realm, not the psychological, philosophical, or spiritual. For that reason, I can't see this "pure cinema" experience being one that will improve on the small screen.