This so called Movie is so migraine-inducingly atrocious it makes me yearn for the nuanced character development of a Michael Bay film. The plot is basically the cinematic equivalent of a toddler banging pots and pans together - loud, nonsensical, and liable to make your ears bleed.

The characters spend most of their time posing while wind machines blast their lustrous locks. Actual acting seems restricted to bugging out their eyes and screaming "NOOOOOO!" whenever something explodes near them (which is always). The villains' motivations are about as clear as a kindergartener's finger painting titled "I Like Trucks."

The locations are very similar to Fast and Furious 9, and the movie feels like a cross between F9 and John Wick in slow motion.

The action sequences drag on longer than a Lord of the Rings extended edition marathon. After the 300th slow motion shot of something blowing up, I found myself praying for a long, dialogue-heavy scene - but no suck luck. The locations are generically apocalyptic, like every major city got turned into a slightly dusty parking lot.

Watching this movie felt like being stuck on a crowded subway car while obnoxious teenagers blast dubstep remixes directly into your ears. I'd rather get a root canal than sit through it again. My only consolation is the fond memories of the 3 hours of my life I'll never get back.