So: GRAVITY. Acclaimed at Venice and TIFF; praised by critics everywhere; brought to us by visionary director Alfonso Cuarón; and starring two A-Listers who, bizarrely, have never worked together before. Also, while not all that science fiction-y, since most of this is pretty much possible within the bounds of humanity's current level of tech—which is, in itself, pretty amazing—the fact that this serendipitous confluence of filmmaker, film royalty and film festival fanfare should fall even remotely within our purview has made this movie, and its probable awesome, a hot topic around Geek Speak headquarters for months.

Which is why I am sorry to report that it's just... it's just not that good.

Oh, it is replete with simply breathtaking special effects, and the cinematography (or whatever passes for cinematography when most of your action takes place on a green screen) is top notch. GRAVITY is also a thrill-ride of fear and dread as our plucky, if annoyingly shrill, heroine (Sandra Bullock) and her only surviving astronaut colleague (George Clooney) are left adrift in space after satellite debris attacks their orbital position and kills anyone who has not won an Oscar. But if you've seen the movie BURIED, the one with Ryan Reynolds trapped in a cave-in on the phone to a calm-voiced company rep (and if you haven't, you should, it's great) then you will get the general gist here, except that BURIED doesn't burden us with pointless and torturously sentimental third act exposition about character backstory for no good reason at all. Everyone hated AFTER EARTH (and hey, I get it; those accents were awful), but it relied a lot on the same conceit. I'm not saying GRAVITY doesn't do it better. I'm just saying, GRAVITY is kind of like AFTER EARTH—which is, I'm guessing, something no one wanted to hear.

The plot is a super simple one; so simple, in fact, that I already gave it to you in less than a sentence in the above paragraph. What remains is pretty much silence, and while that silence can be pulse-thumpingly terrifying and is used to good effect – because in space, no one can hear you scream... unless they're on the com – its cynical employment throughout is symptomatic of the film as a whole. It is all very effective, but it is not very affective. You will probably be entranced, immersed and enthralled from pretty much the outset (I'll concede, I certainly was), but when all is said and done, GRAVITY is as unrealistic, as cliché and as forgettable as any other popcorn action- horror flick – perhaps even more so. It's basically the cinematic equivalent of a carnival ride; Space Mountain, if it lasted for 90 minutes and got really boring towards the end. I think it's trying to be all metaphorical at its denouement, but honestly, when your subtext is written in such a large font, it goes from pointed allegory to outright laughable stupidity quicker than you can say "No one ever taught me to pray." (Not, by the way, the movie's cringe-iest line. There are a lot of contenders for that title – maybe it's a lost in translation thing? Like when hit Asian rom coms get Hollywood remakes and all the over-the- top humor is rendered bizarre? Because the overwrought periods of Cuarón Sr. and Jr. might not be out of place in a favorite ¡telenovela!, but they fit very uncomfortably here.) (Wait. Is that racist?)

If you are planning to see GRAVITY – and I still think you should, if for no other reason than that everyone else will – then I suggest you do it while it is still in theaters, unless your home is equipped with a 3D projector and at least a twelve foot blank wall. Because this is a movie that is pretty much built for IMAX 3D, and without the additional element of visceral terror that comes from feeling like you, too, are hurtling through the inky black night accompanied only by the panicked (irritating) breathing of a stranded human rapidly losing hope of rescue, then this movie doesn't really have a lot to offer. It's rewatch quotient is pretty much zero, as well, so purchasing it on Blu-ray is simply out of the question, even if you do decide to watch it in your hypothetical kickass home entertainment room that I now totally want.

You know what it is? George Clooney, as genial and handsome and charming as he is (and oh, he is; Bullock is excellent here, too, with way more screen time), should just stay the hell out of space. I won't say he should stay out of our genre, because THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS! FROM DUSK TILL DAWN! Hell, even SPY KIDS! But considering SOLARIS and now this, I think it is time to revoke his off-world privileges, much as his superhero license was surely incinerated after his ill-fated stint as Batman.

And as for Alfonso Cuarón – he's a truly great director who should stick to putting other people's big ideas up on the big screen. CHILDREN OF MEN was a triumph of adaptation, a movie that not only had something to say but said it beautifully. Here, the message, if such there be, is lost in the CGI, and all the while the Laws of Physics are treated like they are made of Play-Doh, which is especially ironic, given the title. GRAVITY is lots and lots of style, but not much substance, and once you leave the theater and your pulse rate returns to normal, it's difficult to recall exactly what had you so excited to begin with.