I can usually tell how good a movie is based on how far into the film I start checking my phone, asking myself the question: how much longer until this is over? During Red Sparrow, Jennifer Lawrence's Russian espionage thriller, I first checked my phone at about the forty-five minute mark, and again around an hour and a half in... and then even a few more times before the movie finally ended. When the credits rolled, I gave a sigh of relief, stood up, left the theater, and didn't think any more about this film until now, when I sat down to write a review for it. This is a corpse of a film. It's stiff, it doesn't have anything interesting to say, and it's way too bloated.