I love musicals. It would be trite to list all the great ones. And would only cause grief to list the ones I think are bad.

But if The Music Man is the greatest musical ever put to film - and I submit that it is - La La Land is the worst. Cast as badly as West Side Story. Sung as badly as Paint Your Wagon or Goodbye Mr Chips, danced as badly as Elaine at the staff Christmas party in Seinfeld, choreographed as badly as Flashdance, and acted as badly as Dirty Dancing, this is as close to a zero-star movie as you'll ever get.

The opening number is total cheese but I hung in there. The girls get hyped for a night out and I think, OK, this is a throwback to the Technicolor marvels of the 50s I'll run with it.

But then it's just obnoxious people meeting other obnoxious people for 2 hours. Emma Stone's face looks like a fish. Ryan Gosling looks like he's been sniffing glue. The former can act, the latter cannot. Neither can sing or dance a lick.

First I started muting it during the musical numbers (not kidding) to avoid bleeding to death out my ears. Then I started skipping it to avoid throwing a heavy object and ruining my big TV. At the 75-minute mark, give or take, I bailed.

If this is a 10-star, 14 Oscar-nom movie I'm Gene Kelly.