The three dumbest things in the world are Keanu Reeves, action movies, and music videos. So now, here's an action movie starring Keanu Reeves that's shot like a music video. I am overwhelmed by the accumulated dumbness.

Imagine PAYBACK with Mel Gibson, only without the wit, guts, human suffering, and wisdom. And Mel's been replaced by Tab Hunter, Frankie Avalon, or someone like that.

Imagine THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS, only without the romance, elegance, tension, and simmering sexual heat. There's no Mira Sorvino here, and Chow Yun Fat has been replaced by Beavis and Butthead.

All through this movie, there are moments that are laugh out loud stupid, where the film makers clearly expect the viewers to fall into a worshipful stupor and start jacking their bones. Wow, look how fast that car is going! Man, that is a sharp looking car! I am getting so hot now, just looking at that car! And the music is so LOUD, man. LOUD MUSIC MAKES ME SO HOT! And now guys are getting killed! Man, I love to see guys getting killed. LOUD MUSIC CARS GUITARS GUNSHOTS OH MY GOD I'm COMING RIGHT NOW!!!!

And of course, Our Hero must look "cool" at all times. He can't just take his guns out of the closet. No, he has to take a SLEDGE HAMMER and SMASH the floor to dig out his old guns! So cool!!! And when the bad guys are coming, he has to put on a sharp, three-piece suit, with cuff links, so he can fist fight and pistol his way around. I mean, a ripped t-shirt and jeans might be better, yes? To move fast and have quick reflexes? But no, it's so much COOLER to watch him put on a suit and tie.

With all that going on, take some time to notice the sadness on the faces of all these veteran actors. There's that old black guy from THE WIRE -- he looks almost grateful to be getting killed after five minutes. There's Willem Defoe -- he still hasn't forgiven himself for making all those Spider Man movies.

Oh, but it's not just aging has-beens who are being humiliated here. Who's that good looking young chap running through the crowded disco in a towel? Can it be . . . can it be . . . it's Alfie "THEON GREJOY" Allen. Did you see him running through the crowd, looking like a goofball? No? Let's slow it down! How many minutes of Alfie running in a towel do we need to see? But it's okay, he's got tons of music blasting away. And it's LOUD!

I really wanted Keanu to ask Alfie, "did you pay the IRON PRICE for that car you stole?" And then Alfie's last words could have been, "what is dead may never die!"