Can you help write me a short satirical article similar to Onion article "Experts Say Torturing Animals In Adolescence Sign Child Will Become Factory Farm Owner"?
Sure, here's an example of a satirical article that imitates the style and tone of The Onion:

"Expert Panel Recommends Torturing Children To Ensure They Never Grow Up And Be Free-Range Farmers"

According to experts from across America, torturing children is now widely considered one of the most effective methods for ensuring they never grow up and become free-range farmers.

The reasoning behind this decision is based on several key factors, including the fact that young animals are more malleable than adults and can be trained in just days using intense physical and psychological torture techniques such as burning hot pokers against their faces or being dropped off cliffs while blindfolded.

“Our research has shown time and again that animals raised with love and care by humans who don’t hurt them will always choose a life spent outdoors,” said animal rights activist Debbie Dufresne, coauthor of “Raising Happy Chickens Without Cruelty.” “But we also know that some people still refuse to accept that animals should have basic human rights like freedom, happiness, and independence.”

    Dufresne added that although she understands that not everyone may agree with her approach, she believes it must be implemented quickly before society starts asking difficult questions about where milk comes from.