depression
"I have always felt like something was wrong for as long as I can remember.  I think my depression is just normal to me and I've probably been depressed for many years without even knowing, just a feeling that something isn't right.   A failed relationship a while back, heightened my realisation that something is wrong and the pain of losing someone close was like a final straw for me.  I guess it might be true that everyone comes into your life for a reason, even if it is only meant to be for a short time.  

After countless months and days googling and doing tests online, trying to figure out what might be wrong with me, I finally got the courage to go see my doctor.  After a few visits, he prescribed me Paxil and thinks this might help get me on the right track.  You see my depression isn't the usual in that I try to go about my daily life as normal as I can, it's called walking or smiling depression.  Behind it all though, I'm crippled with self doubt, negative thoughts, anxiety and constant feeling of sadness.  I feel guilty a lot, distance myself from my family and friends regularly and sometimes feel so down I cry for what seems like no reason at all.  I put on brave face to people and go about daily life as best I can, but behind the mask I am suffering.  I never really felt like I fit in and it's like I have to try to act to be happy in every day situations.  It's hard to describe, but it's almost like I'm standing behind my shadow.  I always look at other people and wonder what it's like to be just happy.

 I could never bring myself to telling anyone how I really felt, I guess it's only the last year or so that I became more aware and really accepting that something isn't right.  It's been so long that I have felt this way, I really don't know what normal is anymore.  I have lost 2 girlfriends  largely due to my low self esteem and low confidence finally taking its toll on the relationship, it's like I just expected them to leave, who would want to stay with a loser like me is how I portrayed myself to them.. That's probably the hardest pill to swallow through all this.  I know if I was mentally stronger, I could have held on to something good.

I know I have it in me to go change my life around.  Everybody sees it in me, but I feel trapped in my own body and mind.  I have a lot of trouble concentrating and I seem to always be so indecisive about what action to take.

I guess I'm wondering what I can expect from taking Paxil.  I know I'm the only one who can physically make changes, but can I expect to regain some self confidence and motivation, energy etc? I really don't know what to expect from this drug and am apprehensive about what it can actually do for me.  I guess part of me just wants to try do everything by myself, but I really don't want to waste another second of my life.  I feel like I haven't properly lived for at least the last 5 years of my life.  Thank you for reading."