Inauthentic Compassion and Friendship When I meditate on compassion, afterwards there is a post-meditative effect of making me kinder, but usually in a way that doesn't benefit me. It makes me want to rekindle friendships that were not desirable in fear that the others would suffer, or give others time and attention in ways that somewhat disadvantage me.

How can this be dealt with?

Is compassion even linked with being friends, or is it distinct; i.e. how can one be compassionate yet retain distance with others?
One should associate with true friends and disassociate with false friends.

One should associate with those are:


  (1) He is pleasant [loving]. piyo ca hoti
  
  (2) He is agreeable. manāpo ca
  
  (3) He is respectful. garu ca
  
  (4) He is worthy of respect. bhāvanīyo ca
  
  (5) He admonishes, patient when admonished. vattā ca vacana-k,khamo ca
  
  (6) He is profound in conversation. gambhīrañ ca kathaṁ kattā hoti,
  
  (7) He does not engage us in the impossible. no ca aṭṭhāne niyojeti.


(Piya) Mitta Sutta 2


  (1) He gives what is difficult to give. duddadaṁ dadāti
  
  (2) He does what is difficult to do. dukkaraṁ karoti
  
  (3) He tolerates what is difficult to tolerate. dukkhamaṁ khamati
  
  (4) His secrets he reveals. guyham assa āvi karoti
  
  (5) Your secrets he keeps. guyham assa pariguhati
  
  (6) In misfortune he forsakes you not. āpadāsu na jahati
  
  (7) He does not look down (on you) when you
  have failed [are destitute]. khīṇena nâtimaññati


(Piya) Mitta Sutta 1


  “Young houselord, there are these 4 who should be known as true-hearted friends:
  
  (1) The helper (upakara) 
  
  should be known as a true-hearted friend.
  
  (2) The one constant in joy and in sorrow (samana,sukha,dukkha)
  
  should be known as a
  true-hearted friend.
  
  (3) The good counsellor (atth’akkhayi)
  
  should be known as a true-hearted friend.
  
  (4) The caring (anukampaka)
  
  should be known as a true-hearted friend.
  
  (1) The helper, young houselord, should be known as a true-hearted friend for these four reasons:
  
  (a) He guards you when you are heedless.
  pamattaṁ rakkhati
  
  (b) He guards your property when you are heedless. pamattassa sāpateyyaṁ rakkhati
  
  (c) He is a refuge to you when you are in fear [in danger]. bhītassa saraṇaṁ hoti
  
  (d) When you are faced with tasks, he provides you with double the supplies you need. uppannesu kicca,karaṇīyesu tad
  di,guṇaṁ bhogaṁ anuppadeti
  
  The helper, young houselord, should be known as a true-hearted friend for these four reasons.
  
  (2) The one constant in joy and in sorrow [a friend through thick and thin] should be known as
  a true-hearted friend for these 4 reasons:
  
  (a) He tells you his secrets. guyham assa ācikkhati
  
  (b) He keeps your secrets. guyham assa parigūhati
  
  (c) He does not abandon you in your troubles. āpadāsu na vijahati
  
  (d) He would even give up his life for you. jīvitaṁ pi’ssa atthāya pariccattaṁ hoti
  
  The one who is constant in joy and sorrow, young houselord, should be known as a true-hearted
  friend for these four reasons.
  
  (3) The good counsellor [the one who shows benefits or the goal] should be known as a truehearted friend for these four reasons:92
  
  (a) He restrains you from bad. pāpā nivāreti
  
  (b) He exhorts you to do good. kalyāṇe niveseti
  
  (c) He lets you hear what you have not heard before. assutaṁ sāveti
  
  (d) He shows you the way to heaven. saggassa maggaṁ ācikkhati
  
  The good counsellor, young houselord, should be known as a true-hearted friend for these four
  reasons.
  
  (4) The caring should be known as a true-hearted friend for these four reasons:
  
  (a) He does not delight in your misfortunes. abhaven’assa na nandati
  
  (b) He delights in your good fortunes. bhavena’ssa nandati
  
  (c) He prevents others from speaking ill of you. avaṇṇaṁ bhaṇamānaṁ nivāreti
  
  (d) He commends others who speak well of you. vaṇṇaṁ bhaṇamānaṁ pasaṁsati
  
  The one who is caring, young houselord, should be known as a true-hearted friend for these 4
  reasons.”
  
  The Blessed One said this.
  
  Having said that, the Sugata [the well-farer], the Teacher, further said this:
  
  The friend who is a helper, and the friend in weal and woe,
  
  and the friend who gives good counsel, and the caring friend—
  
  these four are (true) friends, thus the wise should know
  
  and devotes himself with respect as a child would his parents


Sigal’ovada Sutta

At a spiritual level they should have these qualities:


  (1) The accomplishment of faith (saddhā,sampadā),
  
  (2) The accomplishment of moral virtue (sīla,sampadā),
  
  (3) The accomplishment of charity (cāga,sampadā),
  
  (4) The accomplishment of wisdom (paññā,sampadā)


Dīgha,janu Sutta

One should disassociate or distance oneself from those with the following qualities:


  “Young householder, there are these four who should be known as enemies in the guise of
  friends:
  
  (1) The downright taker,
  
  young householder, should be known as an enemy in the guise of
  a friend.
  
  (2) The mere talker,
  
  young householder, should be known as an enemy in the guise of a
  friend.
  
  (3) The sweet-talker,
  young householder, should be known as enemy in the guise of a
  friend.
  
  (4) The destructive companion,
  
  young householder, should be known as an enemy in the
  guise of a friend.
  
  Young householder, these are the four who should be known as enemies in the guise of
  friends.
  
  (1) The downright taker, young houselord, should be known as an enemy in the guise of
  a friend for these four reasons:
  
  (a) He only takes (without ever giving). añña-d-atthu,haro hoti
  
  (b) With little, he desires much. appena bahum icchati
  
  (c) He does what needs doing only out of fear. bhayassa kiccaṁ karoti
  
  (d) He serves with an ulterior motive. sevati attha,kāraṇā
  
  The downright taker, young houselord, should be known as an enemy in the guise of a friend for these
  four reasons.
  
  (2) The mere talker, young houselord, should be known as an enemy in the guise of a friend for
  these four reasons:
  
  (a) He claims to having been hospitable in the past. atītena paṭisantharati
  
  (b) He promises hospitality in the future. anāgatena paṭisantharati
  
  (c) He worms his way with empty favours. niratthakena saṅgaṇhāti
  
  (d) In present tasks, he feigns misfortune. paccuppannesu kiccesu vyasanaṁ dasseti
  
  For these four reasons, young houselord, the mere talker should be known as an enemy in the guise of
  a friend.
  
  (3) The sweet talker, young houselord, should be known as an enemy in the guise of a friend for
  these four reasons:
  
  (a) He approves of your doing wrong. pāpakaṁ pi’ssa anujānāti
  
  (b) He approves of your doing right [or disapproves of it,
  depending on what profits him]. kalyāṇaṁ pi’ssa anujānāti
  
  (c) He sings your praises to your face. sammukhāssa vaṇṇaṁ bhāsati
  
  (d) He runs you down behind your back. param,mukhāssa avaṇṇaṁ bhāsati
  
  For these four reasons, young houselord, the sweet talker should be known as an enemy in the guise
  of a friend.
  
  (4) The destructive companion, young houselord, should be known as an enemy in the guise of
  a friend for these four reasons:
  
  (a) He is your companion in taking strong drinks, distilled drinks, fermented drinks that which causes
  heedlessness.
  
  (b) He is your companion in roaming (and loitering in) the streets at unseemly hours.
  
  (c) He is your companion in frequenting fairs [shows].
  
  (d) He is your companion in indulging in gambling, a basis for heedlessness.
  
  For these four reasons, young houselord, the destructive companion should be known as an enemy in
  the guise of a friend.”
  
  The Blessed One said this.
  
  Having said that, the Sugata [the well-farer], the Teacher, further said this:
  
  The friend who merely takes, and the friend who only talks,
  
  and the one who sweet-talks, and the companion who brings destruction—
  
  these four are not friends. Thus the wise should know:
  
  they should be avoided from afar like a dangerous path. 


Sigal’ovada Sutta

Associating with false friends will influence you to be more unskillful than what you are in a spiritual sense and fail in a worldly sense. Sometimes true friends may seem like a pain when they watch out for you but they are the ones who make you a better person by helping you prosper in a world sence and be more skilful in a spiritual sense.

Also, see:


Spiritual friendship by Piya Tan
Spiritual Friendship: Stories of Kindness by Piya Tan
Bad friendship by Piya Tan