Which simulator is appropriate to learn the minimum to land an airliner? If one has zero flight training, but wants to learn the basics, so that they might be able to land an airbus in a Helios 522 type scenario (or any double pilot incapacitation for that matter), what would be the best simulator to learn on and what specifically would be best to learn (basically how to communicate with ATC and perform an auto-land).

I am fully aware that it takes thousands of hours of training to learn to fly and do not expect to be some sort of pilot after just using a simulator. Basically the premise of the question relates to increasing chances of survivability in-case of such an emergency and there being no other experienced people on-board (even if the increase is only by a few percentage points:)

Edit: Also, if the flight crew were all incapacitated, how would one enter the cockpit?
The simple answer is: none.

Flying an airliner (never mind the difficulties of getting into a locked cockpit) is not just a matter of wrestling with some controls. And, unfortunately, you would indeed need to be "some sort of pilot" to do that, including "just" being able to "communicate with ATC and perform an auto-land".

Even if you were a qualified pilot of a different aircraft, you'd be staring at a sparkling ocean of "what the hell do these do" buttons, lights, knobs, switches, levers and other controls. 

You might as well ask what kind of simulator would prepare you for playing first violin with the Vienna Philharmonic orchestra, or taking charge of a nuclear power station. 

They are just not things that can be done without much study and training, without which you literally wouldn't even know what you are looking at. 

This is quite sad, because I for one would be quite happy to be known as that person who stepped in and saved the day when the pilot/first violin/nuclear power station chief engineer was suddenly incapacitated.