Suicidal ideation. I kind of need to vent. Trigger warning? 

Suicidal ideation is a way of life for me. My traumas involve death. I'm in alcohol drug recovery and recently a local girl intentionally overdosed. My circle of friends and acquaintances are hurting really bad right now and mourning, but I can't mourn.

Honestly? I'm jealous. Her pain is over and I'm still here on the damn Earth. I'm happy for her and jealous. I normally tell my wife when my thoughts start going dark, but she's hurting too. I want to give her space to mourn and not make it about me.

My wife has parts of my guns put up and I gave a quick search for them yesterday, before realizing what I was doing.

I feel like I'm safe right now, I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head.