I hate this monster. There aren’t any other words. I hate it. It doesn’t go away and I rely on it. It’s my demon and my savior. My protector and my aggressor. I don’t want to be better because I know it won’t ever actually go away. I will be 80 and still doing this. Still fluctuating weights. Still seeking control. The lion that has to be walked from its cage 3-5 times a day. and all I want to do is lock it up forever and throw the key into the ocean. 