I know I’m developing a problem But I’m not sure how to stop, or if I want to stop.  

Drinking was a big cause of a lot of our problems, so it feels wrong to have started drinking. I don’t like drinking. I don’t like “not being in control”. Except, it’s what’s helping me avoid my dreams. Avoid my problems, maybe.  

In the last three months, I’ve gone a few scattered days without drinking. Really just to recover. I’ve only gone a solid 3 days 1 time. I was so proud. I don’t want to be an “alcoholic”. I already know I’m an addict. I know I need to be careful. I know I have numerous reasons to be more responsible. Yet, I find myself drinking more and more each night. Regardless of down time. If anything, any downtime only increases my consumption.   

I’ve managed to avoid hard liquor, and I’ve switched from beer to white wine. It’s just wearing at me. I never wanted to be here. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying so hard and failing miserably.  

This is all so exhausting.