As the day before the year after his passing came we decided to have a balloon release for him, to send him messages. This was my children’s ideas Otis (9), Abrielle (Abba- 6) and Johannah (Jojo- 6) wanted to do this because they read about it in a book. It took a little more convincing for me but when Abrielle looked at me with a look I said yes. We went to target and got yellow and pink balloons, Johannah grabbed the pink and my youngest by 30 minutes, Abrielle grabbed the yellow, she said she grabbed the yellow because she seen Uncle Chester have a yellow microphone and Johannah said she grabbed the pink because pink is his favorite colour. We also picked up some things for the day and some art supplies. Me and the kids left the store without being recognized. We went to starbucks and got a drink and then we went home and got the balloons out and got them ready for Talinda and her family to come over tomorrow morning.
A few hours after me and the kids went to target (Also starbucks) I could not sleep and Talinda called me when I was on my phone in the living room with a notepad on front of me on the coffee table. She asked me if she could come over at 7:30Pm with the kids instead of 5:30Am. I told her of course she could. She really needs us and it is all that I could do, I sent a band text message and they said that they were coming as soon as they could get dressed and get in their car.
I heard a knock on the door and seen Talinda, Tyler, Lily and Lila. I let them in and they hugged me so tightly. Anna woke up and Talinda and her started talking. Talinda said that Jamie, Isaiah, Alyssa and Draven are on their way. I nod my head and push my glasses up because they are always falling down off my face. This was when I felt the void of Chester being gone. I felt the silence that found me when I realized that his voice would never hit my ears again, I would give anything just to hear his laugh again or record his voice in a vocal booth while we laugh our asses off.
About fifteen minutes after Talinda and the kids came I heard Abrielle’s little voice calling out Daddy. Johannah is already up looking at the ceiling and she clearly told Abrielle to call out to me. Johannah and Abrielle came running to me and we walked out to the living room. Abrielle and Johannah run to Lily and Lila not caring that it is 7:30 at night.
Abrielle falls asleep in my lap and Johannah falls asleep in the place she left. I fall asleep eventually and wake up at 8Pm and Abrielle and Johannah were asleep so I moved them and got up for a cup of coffee but decided not to at the last moment.
I pressed the home button on my phone and it was 9:00Pm only the adults were awake and mine and Chester’s kids were all cuddling together on the big sofa in the living room, Chester have always loved big couches and I have never fully understood why but now I understand fully.
I imagine what he was going the last few hours of his life but after I start thinking about it the topic is more tortuous than it seems but when your best friend takes their own life all you feel is the guilt.
The amount of guilt that I feel is so powerful that it could make me fall to my knees in less than a second. My guilt is sometimes as big as a fly but almost all the time guilt is like my shadow, my shadow is constantly trying to eat me alive in the broad daylight.
The lyrics of Heavy came to my head at this moment and I related to the man that wrote them more than a year before this day. If someone told me I would be mourning the man that shared his heart with me like we were brother but we clearly weren't but we didn’t let that change how close we were.
Without Chester Charles Bennington I wouldn’t have this life. I would have had a job that I hated and I wouldn’t have the outlook on life that I have.
I can remember Chester telling me that we are going to make it big someday and me not believing him and Chester telling me until I believed him. His hope gave me the motivation that I needed to not give up when the label tried to get me out of the band. Chester told them that we are not a band without Mike.
He didn’t need to do that at all, I could have been out of the band and the band could be signed. That would be the opposite of the reason that we started making music for.
I have cried a lot of tears this year that I don’t think that I can cry anymore but I do anyway.
All in a sudden I ask Talinda if she wanted to go to the store with me and she said sure, me and Anna looked at each other.
I look at her and nod with tears running down my face just taking the news in again not believing it fully.
Before me and Talinda went back to my house we just talked about the babies and Talinda asked when we found out and I told her we found out this morning and how the babies chose to make their existence known on a day that I would like to forget.
In the back of my head I knew it was Chester’s doing in a way because of the timing. This was when Talinda asked when Anna’s due date was I said it was April 10th 2019, when I said this I froze. I froze because Abba and Jojo were three weeks early. It doesn’t really mean that these twins will be born three weeks early but thats when Anna went into labor with Otis as well.
Me and Talinda went back to my house and all the families are there kids included. Me and Anna look at Talinda and nod to her.
Everyone else had someone to go to but me, even when the band came with other supplies for the balloon release I still felt alone. As I catch myself acting like he was still on the earth.
She looks at us and asks why don’t we play a game of telephone.
We all look at each other because all the kids are asleep on the couch and we knew that the game would be funny but funny was the point.
The people that were awake were Me, Anna, Talinda, Brad, Elisa, Dave, Lindsey, Joe, Heidi and Rob.
Anna- Mike and Anna are Pregnant with twins.
Brad- Mike, Anna and Twins.
Talinda- Mike and Anna are pregnant with twins.
Everyone never realized what I have said till a few minutes later. After everyone realized it I took out the ultrasound photo and put it on the table. I didn’t panic till Joe asked if me and Anna talked about names yet and the answer was yes and we have a girl and a boy name picked out and we were planning on naming them after Chester and it was an emotional process.
“Elliott Jomei Chester Shinoda and Harlow Kaiya Charlie Shinoda”.
When everyone processed the news everyone was in tears and all I felt was guilt and saying the babies name possibilities made me feel even more guilty.
We decided on four names for the babies, Elliott Jomei Chester, Everett Kenji David, Harlow Kaiya Charlie and Harper Masako Ann.
Me and Anna decided on the first names this morning after we found out it was twins.
Me and Anna thought that We would go to the doctor and Anna would be given antibiotics but she got prenatal vitamins, an ultrasound photo and a date that our family could go from a family of five to a family of seven. The date could possibly be three weeks before that date and that gave me chills.
A part of me knew that the twins would be born March 20th 2019 but maybe that is just me jumping to conclusions.
A part of me knew the babies would come when they were ready but I just had to have faith in them.
We decided to just go to sleep and see where the night takes us. I fell asleep and woke up at about an hour later with the weight of the world that heavy that it felt like it was more than one universe but it wasn’t. What I was feeling was the guilt of losing a friend and the feeling of having not one but two babies on the way.