UPDATE: Austin heard back from Tasha and she is going to send Cosy with a diaper bag and a list of things he needs to know. I consider that a very positive step toward co-parenting and I am appreciative for that cooperation.
I feel like I start every blog post by telling you how tired or in pain I am while writing it. Today I'm the tired-est ever, just completely drained. And it's not that our day in court was grueling. Honestly, it was insanely easy, especially compared to our first experience.
They didn't bring the baby so there wasn't that emotional torment. Our case came up really quickly in the docket. The judge took the two lawyers back to his chambers to do what they called a "Pre-trial". I truly had no idea what that meant. We sat in the quiet courtroom while they were gone. After some time they came back in and our lawyer motioned for us to meet him outside the courtroom. Nobody had to testify... there was no drama... just the two lawyers and the judge, sorting things out in private. For the win!
The judge had signed off on the legitimation and Cosette is legally his child. The judge also agreed to give us two days, from 9am to 6pm every other weekend starting this weekend. We talked about that - since Austin works every weekend - our lawyer and her lawyer spoke briefly and agreed to Tuesday and Thursday every other week. Then we tweaked that to every Thursday, which to me, makes much more sense because it's consistent and I think two weeks is too much time apart with a baby. That was agreed and then we negotiated a meeting place. Once that was done... we were good to go.
Our lawyer told us to go ahead and get our own carseat so there was no problem with switching them out so we headed to Walmart. This "every Thursday" arrangement is to carry us through mediation and our next time in court. I don't know how this will be adapted to include overnights at some point but it will. We went to Walmart and bought what we thought was the identical carseat that she already has. (It ended up being slightly different but a very good carseat.) We bought safety latches and outlet covers and all the things we need now that Cosette is more mobile. (Not that we would not watch her every second. She's never in my living room without me being on the floor right beside her.) We bought one outfit because we already had a few things for her... assuming that her mom will not provide a diaper bag.
Sidebar... this... is bizarre to me. When my kids visited their dad's they took their own stuff, things they already had and were comfortable with. I don't mind buying diapers and wipes to keep here for her, just like we would with any consumable product like food but it's just really weird to me that a 15 month old baby wouldn't come with a diaper bag.
At any rate... at some point the text messages started coming from the mother to Austin. She wanted to go to Walmart with us to show us what to buy for the baby. He told her we had already been to Walmart. She started firing off a list of things... "did you get this... ?" "and this?" "what about this?" "and if she goes outside she needs sunscreen"... then fixated on the fact that Austin didn't buy tylenol.
Well. To be honest. He hasn't been able to see his child in two months so he wasn't advised of any need for tylenol. How would he know that she was teething? Using common sense (which we possess in abundance here at GantLand) if we have her and she spikes a fever we are less than ten minutes from a place to buy tylenol... and would do what is necessary to purchase said tylenol. Or... perhaps a mother who is co-parenting would advise a father in advance, not scold him for not having a crystal ball. Or.... I don't know... put the things your child might need in a diaper bag for her and send it with her.
Austin very nicely suggested this... anything she was concerned that Cosy would need... go ahead and send it. She let him know real quick that SHE didn't have to do that... that it's HIS job to make sure the baby has what she needs. Which of course she always has had in abundance since birth thanks to her father... and her Nana... and her Mawmaw and Pop. In fact... I think we've done quite a nice job providing for her but that's just my opinion. Austin asked her to send any toy that she was particularly attached to but she said there wasn't anything. And of course, so many of her toys are still here that we will have no trouble entertaining her.
At any rate... at some point this afternoon Tasha decided that she needs to "tag along" on Thursday, just to make sure Cosette is ok. Austin, of course, said no. I know that it will be different for Cosy but honestly, I think she'll be just fine. I think her mom is the one who has separation anxiety. I would too if it was my first time being away from my baby. OF COURSE... in my case... I had to leave my babies at just a few weeks old to go back to work to be able to provide for them. It provided my children with a healthy understanding that if mom went away she would come back. My children learned to spend time with Mawmaw (who took care of them while I worked) and their Sunday School teachers... and nursery workers at church... and trusted babysitters... and so by the time they were old enough to be aware that I was leaving them, they weren't afraid.
When Cosette has been separated from her mother when her mom was upstairs resting or doing some chore that she couldn't do while watching a baby... Cosette has been completely comfortable and not the least bit upset for hours at a time. In fact, she only becomes upset when her mom comes back into view or if her mom makes a big show of saying goodbye. Children take their cues from their mom. If her mom is dramatic and anxious on Thursday, I expect Cosette to be anxious but her father is capable of comforting and reassuring her.
So... for now, at least until mediation when we come up with a more permanent plan, Cosette will be spending Thursday with her dad.
AND that... is the best reason EVER to love Thursdays!
Aww! So happy for Austin and for you all ! You will have baby girl for awhile!
congrats on the first step.
It appears someone (cough) has control issues.
if the mother had a clue.
I know you and Austin cannot wait!
Amen!! Best news ever..There may be some initial stress at the handover but she will be fine once she is back in the home that she knows..
My hope is that the mom doesn't drive Austin crazy with text messages..He doesn't need to deal with that while trying to spend time with his baby girl.
This is great! The deal with the diaper bag and everything she needs is a non starter, it's not worth the time. Just get a things she'll need you don't have and a cute diaper bag you like. Don't go over board buying too many things like clothes etc, they grow so quick. When she gets there she will get upset if she's overwhelmed. Too much all at once all over her can do more harm than good. It's been awhile, let her acclimate to you all. Baby steps and prayers.
I would suggest that Austin turn off his phone if the mom starts texting and calling repeatedly. If she complains later that he doesn't respond, he can just calmly tell her he didn't want any distractions while he was spending time with their daughter, and he will be keeping his phone off during all future visits.
And you're most likely correct in that the separation anxiety is all on the mom, not the child.