Fascinating studies uncover the secrets of who we're attracted to and why.
Why are we drawn to certain people and not others? What makes us fall in love, and stay in love? Poets delve into the mystery of love with beautiful sonnets, musicians seek to capture its subtle essence in song, and many others feel that their love is divinely inspired. Social and personality psychologists, on the other hand, break love down into simple shapes, colors, and equations, the most popular of which are described below.
1. The Love Triangle. According to Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love (2004), love consists of three components—intimacy (emotional closeness), passion (sexual and romantic attraction), and commitment. The ideal form of love for a romantic couple (Consummate Love) involves all three, but it is not easy to maintain, as the passionate spark tends to fade over time.
Storge is characterized by stability and friendship, similar to Sternberg's companionate love.
3. The Mere Exposure Effect. This is one of the most memorable concepts from my first psychology class an— probably the most unromantic theory of all. The mere exposure effect, discovered by Robert Zajonc (1968), refers to our tendency to like things that are familiar to us—that is, those things and people that we are exposed to most often. The mere exposure effect helps to explain propinquity, the idea that one of the main determinants of interpersonal attraction is physical proximity. In one famous series of studies conducted by Leon Festinger and others (1950), the development of friendships in an apartment complex was directly related to the distance between apartments—people were more likely to become friends with neighbors who lived even just slightly closer, and those who they happened to pass more often on the way down the stairs or to the mailbox. While there may be some degree of randomness and luck in the attachments we form, this doesn't mean that relationships based on proximity are any less genuine and meaningful. But it does suggest that we might have a whole different life if we'd just happened to live on a different hall in college.
4. The Clone Attraction. Do opposites attract, or do birds of a feather flock together? Research suggests that the latter is more often true. People are more attracted to those who are similar to themselves in pretty much every way, from personality to religious beliefs to physical appearance, and more similar couples tend to be happier. In one study, participants reported being most attracted to morphed versions of their own faces (though the interpretation of this finding is controversial). While there are advantages to genetic diversity, there may be social and practical disadvantages: The more similar a couple looks, the easier it could be for the father to recognize if a child is not his own, which could support an evolutionary argument for attraction to physically similar others. To see the effects of similarity in action, see this slideshow of clone-like celebrity couples. Or open any newspaper to the Weddings page.
How invested you are in the relationship (i.e., what you've sacrificed/costs of leaving the relationship).
Although it is unlikely that any single account will ever fully capture what for most of us is a very personal and complex experience, the scientific study of love need not diminish its magic. If anything, it might help us love more wisely, with greater appreciation for the social, biological, and cultural forces that shape the choices we make.
This post previously appeared in Psych Your Mind.
For further reading: Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher is one of the most prolific and influential love scholars–see her books to learn about topics such as the chemistry of attraction (e.g., why love is like a drug) and the evolutionary functions of romantic love.
Manufacturing Someone Perfect is a reply by Neel Burton M.D.
Is it normal to feel different kinds of love for different people?
I did the test on love styles thinking of my current boyfriend and an ex. With the ex, I would have been eros + pragma, but with my current partner it would be storge + agape. I've been thinking about this for months - perhaps even a year - because although I'm certain that I love my partner in a way (the way described), I miss having the strength of feeling, optimism and excitement I had with the eros + pragma love. But I have only felt the eros + pragma love for one man and more often feel storge + agape for boyfriends, which now having experienced eros + pragma, I find depressing.
Is it normal to feel different kinds of love for different people and is it a bad idea to continuously worry about it?!
Yes, I do think it's normal to feel different kinds of love for different people, and also to feel different kinds of love for the same person over time. It's also understandable to miss the intense feelings that you experienced with your ex. Love styles aside, though, what seems to matter most is whether you're happy in your current relationship. If you're happy, then you don't need to worry that it's a different kind of love than you had with your ex. But if you're not happy, then it might be worth thinking about what you really want in a relationship and whether you might find more happiness with someone else.
Is your question also your answer?
Is it possible that your answer is in the question itself? Kinda like if you have to ask, then there's your answer? I think that you missing one type of love while experiencing another is a huge indicator of what you really need. Maybe you feel most alive while experiencing the type of love you mentioned having with your ex? If so, won't all other experiences always fall short? Go where your passion directs you, don't shortchange yourself in the name of practicality/convenience/ease/familiarity. If your passion directs you to a tumultuous relationship that scares the wits out of you, then there lie the biggest life lessons for you and your greatest opportunities for growth and personal development.
I'm a fellow PT blogger who has been thinking and writing recently about love. Even though my clinical practice specializes in marriage therapy, love is a subject I hadn't thought much about until recently. Your summary of multiple ways of thinking about it is clarifying for me. Thanks!
Thanks Dr. Heitler! I've enjoyed your posts as well.
I noticed there was a picture of Russell Brand and Katy Perry next to the section about people being attracted to other people who look like them. They don't actually look anything alike. In that picture she has black hair as does he but she usually has blue or pink hair. Plus he's pretty much skin and bones (a strong wind would blow him away. Lol) whereas she's not. Plus if neither one of them were famous she would still be in demand with the opposite gender because of her looks whereas Brand probably wouldn't be able to get a date without the money. Just my opinion of course. LOL.
Yeah and what's weird is Katy Perry looks like a clone Zooey Deschanel of who is the next girl Russell dated/tried to date?
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