Infectious Disease: They get consulted on everything, so don’t leave them out of this search. Perhaps your car is a new super-bug.
Family Medicine: They’re always so helpful because they care about all kinds of cars.
Pediatrics: Is your car small, but really just a smaller version of a normal-sized car? If so, this consult could be very helpful, but you may hear a lecture chastising you about losing your car.
Orthopedic Surgery: This consult is a tricky one. Tell them there is a broken bone in a ___________ (your car’s description here). Then you will be able to locate your car based on the grunts and chiseling.
Neurology: They may be able to localize the car but first will need to order an MRI, MRA, and EEG.
Internal Medicine: They’ll end up talking for hours about the car and all the places it could be and the possible ways to find it. Trust me, if you don’t consult them now they’ll get the car search dumped on them anyway.
Emergency Medicine: Well, it is closest thing to an emergency right now. They know there is probably a car, they’ll order a full-garage CT and make Radiology find it. Then call medicine.
Radiology: After reviewing the scan they say the car is on level 3 but cannot rule out level 2, 4, or another parking garage, clinical correlation recommended.
General Surgery: After saying you car is not a surgical candidate, they’ll look for it anyway. Be ready to hear about how they never have a complication looking for a car, and they are the greatest car detectives to have ever graced a parking garage.
Gastroenterology: Make the garage NPO and they’ll scope from above and below.
Pathology: When you finally find your car, send a fresh frozen slice to confirm that it is actually your car.
OB/GYN: Might want avoid this one because a resident will show up and given you plenty of attitude for losing your car. If you brave this one, make sure you did the pelvic exam before you called.
ENT: Let them know your car is suffering from epistaxis, then see what direction their scorn-death-look is pointing.
Allergy: They’ll say to take Zyrtec, Flonase and wear a mask in case it’s covered in pollen.
Nursing: They can bring you a turkey sandwich to feed you on your quest. Plus they love charting so they can document this entire experience.
Psychiatry: You will probably get the classic lost car response: “What does your lost car represent?” The advantage of a psych consult is they will order a 1:1 sitter so you will have a search buddy.
Anesthesia: When consulting Anesthesia tell them how you would like them to look for the car despite their recommendations. If they suggest a regional approach, disagree then state how you usually look for your car generally. If they don’t cancel the search for the NPO violation of the turkey sandwich, they will just play on their smart phone the whole time.
Ophthalmology: Shoot it’s past 4pm, never-mind.
Nephrology: They will want to drain all your gas stating some tubular something something. Whatever, kidney doc, metabolic acidosis or not, just find my car!
Vascular Surgery: They’ll find your car but say it can’t be salvaged; they’ll recommend amputation.
Dermatology: After finding the person who scored the highest in the car-finding test, they’ll tell you to wear sunscreen while you look for your car.
Respiratory Therapy: Tell them your car messed with the vent settings, they’ll hunt it down.
Cardiology: Before we find the car, get a stat ECG and enzymes.
Pulmonary/Critical Care: If your car is found wrecked, call ICU for the car crash crash cart!
Administration: Great now we have a ton of paperwork to fill out and new meetings about parking policy. Thanks a lot.
Neurosurgery: They’ll get to it when they leave the hospital, which will be in 2-4 years.
Palliative Care: You haven’t given up, just come to terms that you will never see your car again. DNR, then hospice.