Shocking and vulnerable admission for sure but I bet you can relate!
There have been moments/times I haven’t liked my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love them to death.. but there have been days where it has felt like it would be easier to die for them, than navigate one more hour of attitude and tantrums… sometimes it can feel like sheer torture, especially running on little sleep!
My amazing friend once said to me, “when you have kids you absolutely will love them, but there is no guarantee you will like them”. It’s just unrealistic to believe we will love everything about our children and can really set us up for disappointment and major guilt! Along with this guilt, I found I experienced shame and fear, all feelings I felt were not acceptable to talk about… thank you social norms!! But seriously though, who in the world do you know and love everything about!? I’d venture to say your answer is a big fat no one!
It’s so important to know that we are not alone in this! Fully grasping this truth enabled me to give myself more grace and in turn pass it on to my children.
This is so true! If your able to understand what is triggering you, than your able to acknowledge it and realize that your reaction is not all because of your child. A good therapist will help you cut through all the noise in your head and get to the deep-rooted issues but you have to be willing to work with them.
Maybe you feel as I did before I had any experience with therapy?
I was always worried that seeking help meant that there was really something wrong with me. I found this thought petrifying! What if I ended up in a loony bin, or deemed an unfit person or mother… My greatest fear is loosing my kids, so it was very easy to find myself isolated and alone. I personally didn’t seek help for this particular issue but that of a different one. However, even-though it was not geared toward this topic; because of the counselling, personal reflection and healing, I was able to discover what my traumas are, understand how they were affecting my relationship with my kids and ultimately helped us heal and be freer from this cycle.
I’m here to tell you its OK to not like everything about your kids. The trick is to work with this little person and keep up a healthy relationship while not loosing our minds in the process. Also acting in a way that is respectful of who they are while maintaining our own boundaries.
I have 6 children and they each are so different from one another! They each need different love responses from me, different interactions, different interests, different needs… it’s overwhelming at times!!!!
Then lets add the expectation of “social norms” on top of mommy guilt and struggles…. GAH!
I tell ya, add those things together and you have one dangerous, identity eating, mix. Society says these kids should act a certain way or else there is something wrong with them.. pick your label.. Thinking I had to change these beautiful little (sometimes infuriating) people into something society would embrace was/is a very daunting and repressive task; and sadly it is outright war on the unique spirit of that child! I eventually came to realize that it’s not my job to mold them into something “likable” for society.
What do I feel is my job as a mom? Well.. that’s a whole other post but the very short version is I feel its my job to work along side them to equip them with skills and understanding of self (I tried to expand on this more but it just got to long and I want the post to remain on topic).
When I set out to write this post, I decided to search to see if any others had written on the topic. I was very surprised and a bit relieved to find that there had been, though a very few! Not only that but some of them went through the same processes and realizations that I have gone through!!
I really enjoyed this post from empoweringparents.com by Debbie Pincus. Following are some excellent points from her post. I know I sure found them true of my journey.
As I said, I found this particularly true .. Not my job to mold this little being into something “I” or “society” wants. Who is this individual and how can we help them become their own well-rounded person?!
*I added the italics.* Yes and Amen sista!!!! Another tip to add here is to raise your voice an octave. Higher voice comes across as “happier”.. your child will respond to this.
Yes!! No one likes to have their imperfections pointed out all the time. Yet as parents we feel its our duty to point out every mistake and flaw in hopes to correct it. However, this usually has the opposite effect. Consider for a moment if you were in a marriage where your partner was constantly doing this to you. Unless it was a mutual agreement intended to keep each other accountable, I’d venture to say that the relationship would not last long! I also encourage people to say “yes” more often, you can find it here.
This one I found particularly true with my children. Growth spurts and hitting certain ages seem more challenging than others. In our family it seems that every three years or so there is a difficult transition time, starting at around age 3.
Here is an excellent article by Erik Erikson in regards to stages of Social-Emotional Development which I found very eye-opening!
I just want to say to you dear parent that you are not alone! Seek out help within your area. Decide to not stay stuck in this another day. Changing the atmosphere in our homes one step at a time, paired with personal healing are not overnight fixes but are key to improving our family dynamics.
This post from ScaryMommy is shear rawness. I so appreciate her honesty!!