ARLINGTON, VA—Local man Lenny Martin told pollsters Tuesday that he doesn't care who wins any of the political races today, so long as he doesn't have to see any more political ads or signs plastered all over his town for at least another year or so.
He also pledged his vote to the candidate with the fewest and least annoying commercials.
"I just looked through the list and chose the guys who weren't interrupting my internet browsing and channel surfing every five minutes whining for votes," he said in his exit poll. "I figure they must be pretty decent people if they weren't talking about themselves all the time for the last six months."
He takes a similar tack with his state's propositions, voting for the ones that didn't litter his neighborhood with signs non-stop for months on end. "Look, I assume that if you spend millions of dollars putting signs up to get me to vote for something, your proposition probably wasn't all that good in the first place. Now, these proposals I've heard nothing about? The ones that never pestered me while I was watching football or listening to the morning traffic report? These I can get behind."
At publishing time, Martin had settled into his couch only to see ads starting to run for the upcoming 2020 presidential race, causing him to cry out in anguish and cover himself in dust and ashes.