I had mentioned in my last entry that I have an immense amount of peace… and I do, but I do have a tinge of fear. It’s not the type that keeps me indoors on my knees praying for divine help but quiet, calm jitters. I don’t like to talk too much about this feeling because my gut feeling of newness approaching seems unreal to anyone else that only see my “physical, earthly accomplishments.” My inner accomplishments have yielded me to this anxiety. This time last year, I was a wreck. I had the same problems I did last year, every area of my life up in the air. I remember crying on the phone just days after Christmas because I felt so hopeless. I was so weak. I can say that because it was me. I was pathetic. I looked every else for validation and was never content with myself. I was lost. Yet, somehow in one year a newfound strength diminished these traits.
This year has definitely been a rebuilding year. I was surrounded by strong women, spiritually strong women, that brought me out of the darkness. My inner circle widened to a group of women that encouraged me and yes, showed me the light. I wish I could give each and every one of them a thank you note and a bouquet of flowers. These women resided in a bible study group, at the gym, work, in my own family, and random women that God placed on my path in my daily happenings. I read St. Theresa of Avila’s book Interior Castle and was enthused by her prophetic words of wisdom. I also just finished Amy Poehler’s new book, Yes Please, and admired her drive to bring comedy to the masses in creating Upright Citizen’s Brigade. Gentle words, texts, emails slowly but surely gathered up all the pieces that I was in and made me whole again… a bit of a cliche but that was exactly what was happening. In the process I began to seek God for validation. I would open up my prayers to his leading, lessening my lists of requests. His way started to make sense to me. His way made me a stronger woman not only spiritually, but emotionally, physically and mentally.
I had spent most of this year reclaiming my identity and being comfortable in my own skin. That was actually my resolution for 2014… to be comfortable in my own skin. My sister and I wrote down each other’s resolutions, so we could hold each other accountable, and then prayed over them. We have decided to make this a tradition. This year my bible study group, a group of beautiful strong women, wrote a thank you note to God to commemorate the new year. On one side of the card we wrote down all the blessings we were thankful for that happened in 2014 and then on the other side wrote down the blessings that are going to happen in 2015. The act of claiming before it happens. Law of Attraction. The Secret. Yet, this act involves Our creator to intervene. Acknowledging that He has the power to create these miracles . I have faith in this because I witnessed this in 2014. I will not take all the credit for creating a stronger person within me. There is no way that I could tie all the pieces together. Seeking out the perfect people, circumstances, trials to ensure this request could only be accomplished by a being that knows me more than I know yourself. A higher being that knows my potential. A higher being that created me to be a certain way, to live a certain way, to be with a certain person, to leave a certain legacy. So yes, I will only seek Him… it just makes sense.
I thanked God for the new opportunities, connections, relationships in 2015. My identity is established as a woman and as an artist, now the work must begin. His work through me. The small beginnings are opening new doors and I thank you God for the newness…just help me God to not be afraid.
The end of the year is approaching and I feel an immense amount of peace. Which is kind of odd because my finances are nowhere where I would like them to be and my career is kind of up in the air right now. Yet, a feeling of completion has come over me… a graduation on the horizon.
Leading up to this moment, opportunities have started to spring up…opportunities that do not pay anything I may add. I became a potential board member for a dance company , a judge for a children’s art contest, and currently directing a Christmas play. I have resided to enjoy these happenings with no pay with a mindset for the greater good. The duties at hand serve not me and but others. I am still in the refinement phase, a bit further along than before though, and I am fine with that. I am content to be in these new roles, but I do feel like these roles have come about bit too soon. I haven’t acquired any public recognition for my talents or experienced great material success. Why now?
I went to a board meeting not too long ago and wondered what I was doing there. You had people there that had families, owned businesses, knew people with money, while I, on the other hand, am making a living as a tutor, living with my parents and using the bulk of my paycheck to pay off my student loans. Near the end of the meeting, I was asked to stay behind. I was thinking the worse. After seeing me a few times at meetings and googling me, I presume, they realized I was not cut out for the position. I would be fine with this decision. It all seemed to premature, really… a board member? Yet, I was asked to just look over the bylaws to make my presence on the board official.
So, although large amounts of money is non-existent in my bank account, a work within me is starting to bloom. These new roles may be mere introductions of what is to come… a glimpse of my future-self …. or rather purpose starting to bloom. The perfect Christmas gift.
An opportunitity that could open doors outside of my hometown has presented itself. This opportunity lies in the location that I have had my sights on since I’ve moved back home, so it’s kind of surreal that it’s actually happening. I have to admit but I am little scared. I have prayed for this, believed, spoke it into existence and now it is beginning to sprout…but I am bit hesitant.
My fear comes from not knowing the unknown. I had the same feeling when I started working at a new school here. I was nervous. I was going to be working with Special Ed children, which I have never done before, so I was little scared but it ended up working out nicely, like second nature. Maybe I have to keep that in my mind. Maybe I just need to get in the groove of things and it will all fall into place effortlessly. Yet, this time around I will be changing locations. The changes I went through here, jobs, relationships didn’t seem so bad because I had my family to fall back on. Their emotioal support got me through it. Now I will have to go at it alone. Well, I guess not entirely… this is when my trust in God comes into play.
Already, I can see that this very opportunity came from Him. I did not seek this out, the company found me. The company is even faith-based. After the interview she had the nerve to say God Bless You. God Bless you? In the entertainment industry? Is this for real? I have decided to just be positive and go with it.
But I think my fear goes beyond walking into the unknown but fear that I could get lost again. I am going back to the place I walked away from so I could create some balance in my life. In the process I was refined and a spirtual foundation in Christ was established within me, but will I be able to uphold it? I will be auditioning again surrounded by other artists. Will I get caught up in my own selfish desires and allow others to mold me?
Made me think about Dave Chapelle. So he left his show because it started to go in a direction that devalued his character. This move proves that he knows who he is, secure with himself, and will not let money mold him into something that he is not. Don’t mean to preach, but doesn’t the enemy want you to go in the direction that is nothing what God created you to be? The money, fame, recognition will serve as temptions. But is it worth it? Yep, I’m going to say it: What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? Luke 9:25 So this month I pray to keep this in mind. To uphold what I have gained from God. To uphold what He has shown me to be. To uphold my identity in Him.