We were having one of our community celebrations at Neahkahnie House. Both houses were gathered and I had brought my keyboard to sing a song or two, including one that I wrote for L’Arche. At some point I looked up from my singing and my eyes met with Ben’s. He was smiling the most beatific smile, unabashedly enjoying the music, like he’d just received the best news he’d ever had in his life. The effect on me was profound. I’ll never forget it.
The other day, I participated in evening prayer with Tamara, Marilyn, and Joni. Joni sat next to me and held my hand during the whole thing. When Tamara asked Joni what her “rose” (something good that happened to her) was today, Joni, who is non-verbal, pointed to me.
When one of the core members appreciates me like that, it penetrates to my soul. I want to say, “No, no, I don’t deserve this, I’m not around enough, I’m just an occasional visitor.” I worked in the L’Arche office for 10 years and attended dozens of celebrations and events, but I never lived in one of the homes. But even now that I’ve haven’t worked there in several years, and only occasionally pop in with a casserole, Joni, Marilyn, Adam, Erin, Ben, and the others still treat me like family.
It does something to you, to be loved like that. Most of us so-called “normal” people don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable to other people unless we’ve gotten to know them very well. We don’t show our whole selves to people we don’t know. We don’t unabashedly show our gratitude for their presence. We don’t openly show that we are thrilled by their giftedness. We don’t walk up to them for no particular reason and give them a hug.
If we did let ourselves do that sort of thing, we might be rejected. We might be thought strange or unstrung. Our appreciation might not be returned. But when you’re given love like this, it opens you up. It gives you permission to return it. You can almost feel the emotional muscles aching from underuse. It demands that you let the wall down, and feel, and show your feelings. This is especially adventurous for an introvert like me.
But when you allow yourself to be vulnerable like that, to love spontaneously, to feel unabashedly, it makes you stronger. It gives you the strength to show your feelings a little more spontaneously the next time, or to another stranger. It gives you the strength to reach out, and to be affected. You grow as a person. You become a little more fully alive. It happened to me at L’Arche and I only worked in the office.
Doug Westberg worked in the L'Arche Portland (then L'Arche Nehalem) office from 1999-2009. He has continued to be engaged with the L'Arche Portland community as a volunteer, bringing dinner to Nehalem House once a month and offering his gifts of music and friendship in many other ways.