Nice one, Kev. He's probably on a regular dose of castor oil to keep him mobile!
I am not going to repeat my shaggy dog story about the man who lived in a hotel and was caught short by a very powerful laxative before he got back to his room. However I shall give you the punch line. Fred, the porter who had been given the job of following the man and cleaning up the 'golden trail' said this when he eventually got to the man's room and was thanked by the poor man. "Mr Mornington-Smythe, as always it is a pleasure to serve you but next time, STAND STILL!!!
Barry: What time is it?
Paul: Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.
Voice off stage: Who's that playing the trombone at two in the morning?
"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."
That's what Squee Gordon, a former college principle in Montreal, would call a 'formal tee shirt', it hasn't got any art on it.
The Sunday Times cartoon has a picture of Boris Johnson holding a suitcase and standing outside No.10 Downing Street. He's talking to the policeman on duty and saying `I'm looking for somewhere to live'.
I made the same point in politics this morning....., Can't keep his trousers on and homeless.... and some of the jerks think he's fit to run the country? Give me a break!
This is from a reader of The Times in response to a story about an escaped animal: `It reminded me of when a circus set up in a park on the outskirts of Hull. This caused consternation among the locals. "What happens if the lions escape and go into the city centre?" people asked. To which the response was: "They'll just have to take their chances, same as the rest of us".
I can imagine that happening. When I was a student in Liverpool we never ventured into Huyton, it had such a bad reputation.
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Germany - there's millions of 'em there..." said the parrot.
Very similar to the man who arrives at his pals house with a very scruffy yorkshire terrier at the end of a long lead.
"Where did you get that" asks his pal.
"I wasn't talking to you".
A friend of mine has 2 tickets with access to corporate box for this match. He paid €600 each but didnt realise when he bought them that it was going to be in the same afternoon as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. …..it is at the Registry Office in Skipton at 4.30pm. The bride’s name is Nicole – she is 5′ 7″ , quiet pretty and is a really good cook. She will be the one in the white dress..
What are you doing on that laptop?" asked my wife.
"How does Turkey this year sound," I smiled, "Me, you and the two kids, what do you say?"
"It sounds amazing, but we can't afford it," she asked with a quiver in her voice.
"Yes we can," I replied, "Tesco are doing a big one for £12.99 if we pre-order it now."
Unusually I saw that one coming Bodge..... It's still good!
A Russian man walked into a shop and asked the lady behind the counter: You don't have any meat?". The lady replied: We don't have any fish. It's the store across the street that doesn't have any meat."
A man queueing outside an off-licence tells the fellow next to him: "I've had enough, save my place, I'm going to shoot Gorbachev." Two hours later he returns to reclaim his place. Hi friend asks: "Did you get him?" and the man replies, "No the line there was even longer than the line here."
A babushka asks an official if communism was invented by communists or scientists. "Why, the communists of course!" the official tells her. "That's what I thought," she replies. "If the scientists had invented it, they would have tested it first on dogs."
A man trying to buy a car is told it will be delivered in ten year's time. "Morning or afternoon", the man asks. The fellow behind the counter said, "Well ten years from now, what difference does it make?" and the man said, "Well the plumber's coming in the morning".
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the Checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late Son." He answered, "That's okay". She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the Checkout, and as she was on her way out of the Store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum." The little old Lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's Day, he went to pay for his Groceries.