Liz King Bradley: I Cracked It!
What is the big question we all want to know the answer to????
WHY will my children behave SO WELL for other people!?!?
So we all know that part of the equation is that people will filter their behavior more around people they don't know will love and accept them no matter what....but that doesn't seem like the whole answer! Isn't there something in your mind that says "There's more to it!"?
The rest of the story has to do with choices and the filter between the subconscious mind. When children are born, their is no filter between conscious and subconscious. The conscious mind isn't developed. The subconscious accepts everything that comes to it as true. It's not until later that our conscious develops, as well as our filter (Reticular Activation System).
The subconscious mind is in charge of running all the systems of the body that keep us alive. It's primary purpose is to keep us alive and comfortable. It's also running in the background to perpetuate the paths we've programmed into it as it's developed. The beliefs we have fully embraced and accepted into our subconscious programming are in the background creating our outside life to reflect our subconscious blueprint.
Our kids behave not only according to what we teach them, but according to what we've given their subconscious mind to work with. If we are unsure of ourselves and/or what we are doing and teaching, they will not be convinced. Additionally, if we harbor doubts about their ability to behave well, about their innate goodness, they will find it hard to behave well. They are sponges, remember they do not have strong filters. Sadly, if we don't feel good about ourselves, or ourselves as children they will feel that about themselves and will manifest it in their life. There will be a program running in the background that says "I'm not good kid." That subconscious program will direct and guide their behavior.
When they misbehave, they need to know that while they made a mistake THEY are good. They need to know that THEY are innately good and that the bad behavior doesn't measure up to who they are. We need to have enough faith in their innate goodness to overcome the evidence of their misbehavior in our minds. When we look at them, talk to them, or interact in any other way our subconscious mind is effecting the tone of our voice, the look in our eyes, all our body language and we are constantly emitting signals from our own subconscious mind. What we are teaching them with our beliefs is the filter they will use throughout their lives.
Strangers have the advantage of not having seen evidence of bad behavior, they are likely sending out messages of "good kid", " cute","adorable", etc. whereas parents are fighting the battle in their minds between the evidence of bad behavior and the faith they have that their kids are innately good. In their hearts, they are children of God and are good.
Deep inside we are all good, we are all divine, but we are experiencing a life that offers us choices. Children may do bad things, but it isn't because they are flawed, it's because they are innocent. They are learning from the way we rect to things what is bad or good and who they are. Most kids want to be good, but they are getting stimulus from all over the place, conflicting messages about what is good and what is bad.
I taught my son that he is good, but some of his behavior didn't match with who he is. I held up my hand and said, "This is like you, who you really are, it's whole, complete, clean, and good." I help up my other hand with some of my fingers down "This is like your behavior, it's not matching up to the other hand right now." I taught him that he can make his behavior match who he is. We are Christian, so I taught him that through Jesus Christ the difference between who he really is, and what his behavior shows can be reconciled as he is learning and growing.
My daughter was persistently getting in trouble. It seemed like she was compulsively misbehaving. I felt the distinct impression that she felt undeserving of happiness. I told her "You deserve to be happy, so you deserve to make the choices that will lead you to happiness."
When my oldest was an infant I read in a book or magazine (I don't know what book or magazine) that my emotions and mental state while caring for her or trying to calm her from being upset would help or hinder her calming. I learned to calm myself before I tried to calm her. I took deep breaths and reminded myself who I am and who she is. It worked as long as the needs were also met (fed, cleaned, warm, etc).
When my children were 6 and younger I had a friend who had teenagers. I asked her about what she did that worked (because here kids were really respectful, seemed happy, and heading in the direction I'd like my kids to go). She said, "I have a plaque that hangs on my wall that says "We get better with age." I don't talk about the teenage years as if they will be horrible, I remember we get better with age and it works." From a young age she instilled in them the program that they got better with age. I know there were issues from time to time, but it seemed there were less of the issues with disrespect and major rebellions we associate with having teens.
What we think and believe about our kids is contributing to their behavior more than what we say and do. Our tone, our body language, and our other actions are speaking thousands of words at a time, and they will override what we say.
How do I rescript negative programming?
Asking questions sets your mind to work finding the answers. Ask questions that lead to what you want, not what you don't.
Knowing that my child is good at heart, what should I do/say to help them correct their behavior?
How do I know my child is innately good?
What can I do to help my child understand the difference between being a bad person and being a good person who is learning?
Ultimately children will behave according to the programming they have received from us. The words "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is grown he will not depart from it." come to mind. (Bible, Proverbs, 22:6). I have seen this play out in the long term with two brothers who chose a path of pain, but ultimately have chosen that path of healing and light. Not that my parents were perfect, but they did train us up to make choices that lead to healing, love, and truth.
I believe we can shorten our children's learning curve by remembering in our hearts and minds that we and they are God's children, that we are good because we are His. A child who believes they are good is more likely to DO good.