As you already know I am from the Southern USA. This past week I intercepted a memo from Santa Claus to folks living in these parts. It is imperative you read this memo… it will help you to understand what is going to be happening to many people around the lower United States.
1. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that you leave a RC Cola and pork rinds…. If possible include a few Moon Pies as well.
5. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt….So make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
You could hear thunder in the distance. Bats flapped their wings in the darkness of the night as they exited a castle. If things weren’t creepy enough, the wolves were howling and the trees were swaying in the wind.
Inside the castle a faint light shown from the laboratory. This was the inner sanctum of one of the maddest scientist of time….the infamous Dr. E. Van-Gelical!
A lone rat ran across the granite floor as the Dr’s daunting figure appeared in the light. Dr. Van Gelical’s lab coat was stained with the evidence of his notorious experiments. His eyes were glowing with delight as he gazed upon the table in the middle of the room which was covered with a white sheet.
Under the sheet lay a human-like form.
Irregular footsteps were heard coming down from the stairs. As if appearing from thin air, Igor was in the room. He was hunchback with tattered clothes. In his possession was a candelabra and a big cardboard box.
Thunder was heard in the distance while Igor dragged the box toward the table.
More thunder and lightning poured through the halls of the laboratory.
“Yes master.” He handed him a jar from the box.
“The patience of Job!” the doctor commanded and he was rewarded with an ancient-looking flask.
“Double doses of daily prayer and Bible reading,” murmured Dr. E Van Gelical while he withdrew liquid from one of the bottles and injected it into the lifeless figure.
The doctor paused for a moment, then filled the syringe with fluid from the final container. “And last-but not least-a triple injection of orthodoxy!
The doctor dashed to the nearest wall where the electrical control panel waited for his arrival.
Doctor E Van Gelical threw the massive switch as an avalanche of thunder shook the castle.
The thing called “CHRISTIANSTEIN” sat up slowly. After a few more tremors and shakes.. stiffly it climbed from the table and stood to its full height.
“I, I don’t know master!” Igor hid himself under the table.
“Aaarrggghhh!” the creature bellowed, throwing the doctor to the ground and reaching for his throat.
“Igor you fool! I knew that we forgot something! And such a small thing!” The doctor fled for his life with the creature CHRISTIANSTEIN in hot pursuit.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
There are somethings we see which alarm us immediately. Obviously, this was one of those occasions.
A French Teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. E.g. ‘house‘ is feminine – ‘la maison‘, ‘Pencil‘ is masculine – ‘le crayon‘. A student asked, “what gender is ‘computer?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female. She then asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for the recommendations.
Well it is officially summer. I don’t know if you are able to get away and take a vacation. If not, then maybe this story will remind you that somebody, somewhere is taking a long vacation.
Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for busses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, the attendant just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo’s own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!
I have always enjoyed fellowship meals at church. Several years ago I was attending a men’s breakfast that was being held at our church. People bring a sundry of delicacies to feast upon at such events. On this occasion I spotted some hot, homemade pickled peppers. Yum!
As I was walking through this smorgasbord of delectable delights, I noticed a problem with the peppers. I didn’t have a way to harvest the peppers from the dish. Someone had removed the serving fork. While no one was looking, I snatched several with my fingers. Now, my mother taught me different, but temptation got the better of me that morning. Satisfied with my bounty, I moved along with no one the wiser. By the way, they were just as hot and delicious as I knew they would be. I thought nothing more of the situation.
On this particular Sunday, the men were singing in the choir and I was participating. If there was going to be a men’s breakfast… there was probably going to be a men’s choir. The two usually went hand in hand. After singing a few hymns, there was a call to prayer. Sometime during the prayer I placed my hands over my face to pray. In addition, I moved my thumb and forefinger to the bridge of my nose and pressed against the inside corners of my eyes. This was a subconscious type of manuever I had often done while concentrating on prayer. Little did I know it was an enormous mistake.
My eyes began to sting and water flowed from them like a fire hose. I tried to fight it off by rubbing my eyes again and again. This only turned the stinging into intense burning. I was in agony and the flow of water only increased. I began to sniffle and once again started wiping my eyes. As my concentration began to suffer, I felt my face begin to turn blood-red as if it was being rubbed with sand paper. It was then that I knew my sins had surely found me out. I should have never handled those hot peppers without a serving fork. The tears were now gushing down my face like Niagara Falls.
At this point things began to get out of hand. The men beside me started passing handkerchiefs and patting me on the back like I had lost a member of my family. I was experiencing grief, just not the type they believed. They assumed I was being touched by the Lord or was having a religious experience. I felt like I was locked in some interrogation room under bright lights. What was I gonna do? I was having an experience alright!
The fire only increased. Peppers and eyes do not go together. It couldn’t have been any worse if I had been allergic to them. Nuclear waste couldn’t have burned any worse than those peppers. My ears were now ringing, sweat was pouring off my forehead and I could no longer focus. I wanted to make a dash for the door but I couldn’t see!
When I finally was able to take a peek, I noticed the entire men’s choir was now crying. At first I thought they too had handled those pickled peppers. No, they were crying because I was crying. They thought I was being touched by the Spirit… so they were moved. I couldn’t believe it. The whole choir was tore-up because I handled peppers without a serving fork. Now I really felt like crying.
The men’s choir was supposed to sing a special music selection next. As the men tried to gather themselves to sing the next selected number, the water works were turned on full blast. What started out as a lone contagion quickly grew into a full-blown epidemic. I detected that the men were trying to fight it off. The more they struggled to gather their emotions, the worse it became. It was a useless battle. The battle was over before it began. Sniper fire wouldn’t have made these men crumble any quicker. They melted like butter in a microwave. Have you ever seen 30 burly men all crying at once? I was thankful to have a hymnal in my hand so that I could hide behind it. As I took at peek over the top of my hymnal, as best I could make out over half the church was now beginning to weep and sob. Would this never end?
Without a word being spoken, all the pastor could do was open up the altar for people to come forward and conduct business. They did… it mass! As best as I could see everyone continued to cry, blow their noses, hug, and pray together. To say there wasn’t a “dry eye in the house” was an understatement. What started out as a men’s breakfast turned into a crying fest with people getting right with the Lord. Who knew so many people needed to do business with God?
The one who really needed to confess was me and I wasn’t going to confess anything, especially my sin. At least all of the commotion gave me some ground cover to make a move. I maneuvered my way to the edge of the crowd, hugging and crying all the way. As soon as humanly possible, I darted out the door to the bathroom. As I splashed water across my face… I finally was able to get some relief. Oh, the bliss of something cool on my irritated eyeballs. Thankfully, my pain and suffering was coming to an end.
I made my way back into church and sat in the back. The service continued on until everyone cried their way to freedom. As we departed, everyone continued to hug and comment that this was the best service in years. People talked about it for weeks and months afterward, far beyond the walls of our church.
I too made a committment that day.. Never again, would I eat with my fingers in the Lord’s House.
One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil, and compost. He planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn’t have a plant and he felt like a failure.
Six months went by—still nothing in Jim’s pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn’t say anything to his colleagues, however, he just kept watering and fertilizing the soil – he so wanted the seed to grow.
When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful, in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!
When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives. Jim just tried to hide in the back. “My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,” said the CEO. “Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!” All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front.
Jim was terrified. He thought, “The CEO knows I’m a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!” When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed. Jim told him the story. The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, “Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is Jim!” Jim couldn’t believe it. Jim couldn’t even grow his seed.
I always had trouble trying to figure out Google. This illustration answered all my questions.