Never sit in the back row of a jet airplane, because at a speed of 1,000 km (620 miles) per hour, the length of the plane becomes one atom shorter than its original length!!
A man & a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other & both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket & she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests her to go first & he would meet her there in five minutes, & she agrees & goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes back & slips in there with her.
Okay, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp-eyed stewardess has noticed them & realized what they are up to. So she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system...."To the lady & gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, & it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now please put those cigarettes out & take the condom off the smoke detector."
And what were you thinking? I worry about you sometimes!
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn & came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' & 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there & don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, & how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence & keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"
In the early 1980's we flew our entire family to Hawaii for a vacation. We were living in different parts of the country, so we were on several flights. There were a dozen or so family members flying with me & Bud. We boarded our plane & took our seats. The flight was full & the lady sitting next to me had stuffed luggage & boxes under the seat in front of her & also under the seat in front of me. I had no room even to put my purse there. The overhead bins were also full & I asked her (nicely) to move her things. Fair's fair, right? She became belligerent & asked me in a nasty voice, "Where do you want me to put my stuff?" My husband's gentle touch on my wrist kept me from giving her an honest & obvious answer. We called the flight attendant & she emptied the space in front of me.
A plane had to make an emergency stop because a female passenger suddenly became very ill. After examining her, the doctor took her husband aside & said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, doc," said her husband, "but she's a great cook & really good with the kids."