Now: These are things that are really annoying me right now. And always.
Number 1: I keep falling asleep on the couch at night. This is bad for several reasons. First of all, I miss the end of whatever program I’m watching, or, let’s face it, sometimes the whole show. Second, I am losing my motivation to exercise because I know that I will fall asleep soon after and I don’t want to “waste” my whole evening exercising. Third, it’s way too soon to fall asleep after eating my evening snack.
Number 2: We got a really cool new camera this summer. Why is that annoying? Because I can’t bring my camera to work to upload pictures to my blog anymore because Tim won’t let me (which is understandable, but still annoying). And because I’m feeling that the blog is a lot less interesting without the pictures.
Number 3: Why won’t Halloween just get here already? I am like a child. I am so excited to take the twins trick or treating for the first time. I am agonizing over what the weather will be like that night even though it’s over a week away. I am planning our route and prepping the kids to say “trick or treat” really loudly. I am lamenting over the fact that I haven’t found red pants for them to wear under their Elmo costumes and realizing that Elmo(s) might have to have black legs instead of red.
Number 4: Conflicting emotions…..is it almost Halloween already? Where did October go? I feel like I’m constantly waiting for what’s next while simultaneously wondering why my days and weeks and months are going so fast. Probably a common problem, I know.
Anyway. I’m not having a particularly bad day or crabby mood. Just thinking about thinking I guess. 🙂 This is now.
THEN: I woke up early Sunday morning, August 30th. I spoke to Tim briefly on the phone – long enough for him to tell me he took off again and would be at the hospital soon. I tried to convince him it wasn’t necessary, but I was quite pleased that he would be coming back (obviously). While I was waiting a nurse came in. One of my favorite nurses so far. And a nurse-in-training. Also one of my favorite people there. They said a high-risk doctor would be in sometime this morning to talk to me about my test results. They both asked if there was anything else I needed. I only wanted to know if they could estimate the time the doctor would be in because I was hoping Tim would be here when the doctor came. They weren’t sure, but they seemed very sympathetic. I tried to seem like it didn’t really matter but I’m sure they saw through me.
I called Tim back immediately. How soon could he be here? He was leaving right as I was calling, so about 20 minutes. I figured that was plenty of time.
Then the doctor and my two nurses walked in. Where was my husband? I explained that he was on his way. They exchanged glances, and I knew that the high-risk doctor had a very busy schedule and would probably not be able to carve out another time to meet with me later. I told them it was ok. No husband, no problem. I was also still convinced that my worst-case-scenario was going to be hospital bedrest for a few weeks. Or maybe best-case…..bedrest at home.
The doctor began his speech. And I mean SPEECH. He was easy to understand and follow…..but he took forever to say what the main point really was. Basically I was very very sick. My lack of knowledge about my gestational diabetes was very detrimental to my body. I was at a high risk of having a stroke, seizures, or a heart attack….or a combination of the three. Any of these three things could not only kill me, but possibly the children inside me. Unless it was taken care of immediately.
So, again, the dillusional optimist in me asked about hospital bedrest. Through my sobs that were racking my body. No. Maybe if it was earlier in the pregnancy another 2 weeks would make a big difference. But as of right now, giving it another few days was really pushing my luck.
What did that mean? Doctor’s recommendation was immediate delivery. Today. This afternoon they had an opening in the OR.
I could not suppress my tears. I wouldn’t even have tried to, except I was afraid that crying would damage my already fragile body even more. I tried to calm myself down. I had tried to keep myself calm for the last 4 days. Trying to keep my blood pressure normal so that I could just go home and wait 9 more weeks until my babies could be born safetly. The nurses held my hands and gently rubbed my back. I was so grateful for them. I thanked the doctor and the nurses over and over through my tears. They offered to wait with me until Tim came, but I knew I could probably calm down better by myself for a minute. I had stopped sobbing, just a few stray tears running down my cheeks, so they felt comfortable with leaving.
What would happen? What would happen to my babies that were going to be snatched from my body in less than 12 hours even though it was 9 weeks earlier than they should have been born? I felt helpless. I felt like I had failed them because it was MY body that was sick, not theirs. I kept telling them that. Whispering to my almost-born children. They needed to stay strong. They were healthy, they would be fine, their mama would be fine. The doctors were doing this because it was what was best. All of our best chance for survival. It sounds melodramatic typing it now. But it was reality.
When Tim came in one of my nurses spotted him. She stood in my doorway while I explained what had to happen. I was crying again, but not uncontrollably. I pride myself in being very logical. I was definitely emotional – a rarity for me – but I knew, logically, that this was the best thing for everyone, and that nothing could be changed, so there was no point wishing for things that weren’t so or that couldn’t come true. I shouldn’t waste my energy on worrying, although I obviously was worried. I was using my energy to think positive thoughts for myself and to the children.
What would happen? We were so scared. We had to call our families. We had to wait. And wait. And wait. What would happen? After everything we went through, why this now? What would happen? That was then.
P.S. Thanks for sticking with me, or popping over to visit my blog. I am not gone…..and hopefully not forgotten!
Also, I almost cried when reading about your hospital experience. You poor thing. I’m so glad I know everything worked out in the end, or I’d be a wreck right now, so I can only imagine how difficult it was for you at the time.