When I was 12, my music teacher in Bangladesh groped my breasts when my parents were not home. It is easy to see how egregious this behaviour was, and to clearly label such an individual as a “bad actor”, as indeed he was. But this incident has had no long-term negative impact on my life, on my career, or on my relationships. In contrast, what has had lasting impact on me are the low-dose but continuous injections of doubts about my abilities, and the chipping away at my confidence that I have encountered as a girl and a woman over the years. They started early and haven’t stopped.
An early childhood memory: a close family member tells me, “We were hoping you’d be a boy. Boys earn more and take care of their parents. Girls marry and look after their husband’s family.” I am the younger of two daughters. At age 43, this is still one of my most vivid childhood memories, and the feeling of rejection is still raw.
In my 30s: a senior male colleague who I deeply respect says to me, “If you are serious about your work, then you can’t have a life or kids before tenure.” I start to fear that maybe I will lose my partner or never have kids. I feel torn for simultaneously wanting a successful career and a loving family.
In my 40s… a comment after one of my talks went something like this: “Very interesting work. Is it what you did when you were in X’s (another white male professor) lab?” This time at least I had the courage to say, “No. I had my own lab. It was my inspiration that got the senior white male professor interested in the line of work that I had initiated.” Finally, I was confident enough to directly dispute the assumption made all too often that men are the leaders and women are the followers.
So, as we raise the next generation of Bangladeshi women in a patriarchal society, let’s remember how casual comments or reinforcement of gendered norms, especially from those we trust and respect, can impact the small and big decisions that women make in their lives. I hope more men and women can engage in constructive dialogues to make things better. Subtle biases, casual comments and gendered expectations can squash our dreams, and force us to project an identity that helps us fit in but prevents us from feeling truly comfortable. Worst of all, it can have a lasting impact on our confidence and on our mental health.