Q: I am newly pregnant, and my partner and I are thrilled. My parents were happy to hear the news as well, but my mother has since commented about how she expects I will stop working when the baby comes. She's implied that because my partner makes a very good living, and so much more than me, that I would not "need" to work, in addition to some comments about how much better it is for a baby to have a mother at home.
I am surprised she feels this way. She has always worked and I think it's hypocritical for her to tell me what I should do. Help this not drive a wedge between us.
A: I can imagine this feels like a slap in the face — never a good thing, but particularly taxing when your body and mind are devoted to growing another human inside you. But I also think it presents an opportunity. Raising a child is a master class in learning how to be judged, disagreed with and even insulted.
But since this is your mother, not the cashier at Target, it's important that you tell her how this has affected you. Let her know your surprise and discomfort, and that you will do what's right for you. Then get specific about how you both can have better empathy and communication when viewpoints differ.
Q: My parents were very different people but hashed things out a lot and prioritized each other. They made it clear that you can't just expect things to be peachy if you love each other, and that relationships take work.
But I don't have a good gauge of what's a realistic amount of work. My relationships tend to have a lot of effort and hand-wringing, and I have to show a lot of patience with my partner. Where is the line?
A: Well, there's being different people, and then there's being a poor match for each other.
Perhaps your parents were a fundamentally sound fit, with a satisfying and fulfilling love that provided the motivation to make daily compromises about, say, how to spend Saturday night or how quickly socks should go in the hamper. Whereas for others, these smallish things become big, hulking relationship killers. You mention the tough characteristics of your partner, but what's the nature of the toughness? And what are the positives that help outweigh those negatives? Relationships may take work, but that work shouldn't become constant angst.