Once upon a time, mullets were actually mainstream. Rockers like Bon Jovi, Poison and Van Halen wouldn't have dreamed of going onstage if the back of their hair wasn't disproportionately longer than the front. With time came new fashions, however, and the Hair Band Mullet is now as obsolete as "totally bitchin'" synthesizer solos.
While similar to the Classic Mullet, the wearer of an Arkansas Mullet is unlikely to have more than two teeth, three brain cells and a grade four education. Although friendly and forthcoming, these mulleteers tend to have the mental agility of a shingle.
Also known as the Meximullet, the Mullatino is any variety of mullet worn by a person of Latin descent. While the Mullatino's history is doubtlessly as rich and layered as the hairstyle itself, the fashion only gained true national prominence in 1989 thanks to the lovely locks of Saved by the Bell's A.C. Slater. The Mullatino proves once and for all that Latinos can be rednecks too.
The preferred hairstyle of '80s icon Michael Bolton, the Permullet is a mullet that has been treated with a curl-inducing perm. Wearers of the Permullet tend to be sensitive and vain, and are just as likely to write you a power ballad as they are to proposition your underage sister.
A relative newcomer on the mullet scene, the Mullhawk is the ungodly pairing of a mullet and a mohawk. Wearers of the Mullhawk can typically be seen destroying public property and hurting small animals wherever punk music is being played. Unlike wearers of the Permullet, this breed of mulleteer in not to be toyed with.
The granddaddy of them all, the Skullet is a hairstyle for aging mulleteers still desperately clinging to their hillbilly roots. Unlike other mullets, the Skullet features no hair on the top and, more often than not, a hideous Steven Seagal-style ponytail in the back; think of it as the redneck equivalent of a comb-over. Celebrity practitioners of the Skullet include Hulk Hogan, rocker David Crosby and watermelon-crushing comedian Gallagher. In general, Skullet wearers are just as likely to hit you up for a shot of Metamucil as they are for a pinch of Skoal.
Something of a redundancy, the Virgin Mullet is any variety of the hairstyle sported by a sexually-unfulfilled individual. Wearers of the Virgin Mullet tend to be quiet, shrinking violets who spend an inordinate amount of time locked in the washroom with their sister's Victoria's Secret catalog.
More so than any other variety of the haircut, the Business Mullet exemplifies the spirit of "business in the front, party in the back." Wearers of this style find themselves in the envious position of being able to relate both to powerbrokers from one perspective, and janitors and McDonald's counter staff from the other. Business Mullets can be found in any large southern city where pork futures are discussed with keen interest.
Whether it's Patrick Swayze in Road House or Jean-Claude Van Damme in any of his films, the mullet has a long and sordid cinematic history. Even superstars like Brad Pitt have gotten into the mix when Hollywood has come calling. Every now and again, however, mullets actually pop up in decent flicks, like Adam Sandler's 'do in The Wedding Singer.
From Mark Hamill's Luke Skywalker to Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan, the future is full of dreadful haircuts. Apparently the Dark Side won after all.
Hair today, gone tomorrow? Not when it comes to mullets. So long as cousins are allowed to marry and trailer parks continue to flourish, the vaunted Tennessee Top Hat will never go out of style. Hair's looking at you.