livinglifewithsoumi | searching for meaning and the end?
searching for meaning and the end?
When you left, I didn’t think I could survive. Cause how could I? You were one of the most important person in my life. But I wasn’t to you.
Knowing this is a different than accepting it. Making a choice to let you go is actually very different than actually letting you go.
Cause that would entail letting go of all the good memories of you. And I am not sure what I would do if I let that go?
Would I still be the same? Your nonchalance really hurts more than ever. I blame myself for reading too much into yours actions. Somewhere along the line I forgot that nobody is irreplaceable. Maybe I thought that you would just take a little more time to replace me. But no…was it really so easy?
Was any of it ever real? Was it just me all this while? How could I be so blind for so long?
I guess, Some questions are destined to be unanswered?
Today I got a sky lantern.
I asked you whether you wanted it.
Sky lanterns are one of my favorite things in the world.
And you knew it. Or maybe you just forgot.
I never flew one before and wanted to do it with you.
Then I realized that sky lantern was my heart and you never wanted mine.
One can fight against opposition if it’s outside.
But what do you do, when you are in a fight with your own self?
What do you do when winning and losing hurts the same?
Okay, no more sugar coating.
I am in a dilemma whether to keep loving you or to stop.
I know I should stop. That’s the logical step.
But then you do something stupid like calling me when you are about to faint and I, like the love-stricken puppy I am, run to you. And afterward, kept thinking how I was the last the person you thought of.
I know this is silly, this whole thing. Shutting off my heart from this is the only feasible thing to do. But all I can dream about is how you tell me that you do in fact love me. You tell me that I am worth being loved, worth being fought for.
This is the fantasy world I have created. It gives me the high cause accepting the reality is too difficult. Accepting the alternative is too painful. Cause then I keep questing my worthiness, my love any decisions.
And the worst thing in all of this is you are not at fault.maybe a little but not in a way that it makes you wrong.We are just two people stuck in a wrong time frame. The only way to get through this hell is to keep going through this.
Just so you know, I love you. With all your faults, your scars, and everything. I tried a lot to stop, but this just doesn’t go away. Well, maybe I just have to keep living with this unrequited love of mine. But know this, you are the one and will be for a long long time.
23 days, 19 hours, 52 minutes.
And it came back. You.
I was doing so good. But all it took was one nanosecond.
All the effort over these days were suddenly nothing.
I feel like a chain smoker having a long drag of his favorite brand.
Or like an alcoholic having scotch, neat.
Or a realist dreaming again.
It’s the ground. I wasn’t flying. I was falling.
Nightmare has become your reality.
That you were not enough.
That you were never worth it.
That you weren’t worth the fight.
That it was an illusion which shattered.
As you are making me feel.
Was it all a facade?
Do you not sense any change?
And just silence from you.
You proved to be no different.
How difficult it had been for me.
And you decided you didn’t want this.
Are up, Stronger and Higher.
Now all I feel is alone and numb.
but about what makes us better.
and I would melt at sight.
and not keep me hanging.
So how could the world be?
She knew he would never feel it.
Always better than words, anyway.
Though there exists a myriad of emotions in the human personality, guilt is one which isn’t talked about much. Cause, in order to feel the G one has to accept the mistake, has been made and in turn take responsibility at least in front of him/herself.
And then comes the time when you punish yourself and hate yourself for that.
But that isn’t the last straw. It hurts the most when the person closest to you speaks out the words aloud and the world comes crumbling down around you, and you stare stare blankly toward a tomorrow which shall never come.