Navigating the crazy world of dating after my wife's death
2025-02-09
Category: news

When you're chatting to someone on a dating app, at what point do you mention that you're recently widowed and still grieving the loss of the mother of your three children? This is just one of the many predicaments Geraint John has found himself in since losing his wife Deb to pancreatic cancer two-and-a-half years ago. Geraint, 43, had not been on a date in 20 years and found the experience of online dating "degrading but funny".One date threw a drink over him. Others made a sharp exit the moment he mentioned he had been recently widowed. Another began contacting him so relentlessly he said he considered seeking an injunction. "I was like 'good God, [dating] really has changed'," he laughed.
Geraint and Deb had met at a gig in 2005, just three months later she quit her job in Nottingham to move to live with him in Cardiff, they married the following year, moved to London and went on to have three children, now aged 17, 13 and 10.Deb was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March 2021 and died in September the following year at the age of 43.Geraint said there had been a number of grim milestones since then.One of the earliest was returning home and seeing her belongings - coats, shoes, glasses - around the house.Then there was the "really, really difficult day" he vacuum-packed all of her clothes and put them away in the attic.About six months after her death he realised that what had begun as an onslaught of home-made lasagnes from well-wishers had finally petered out. "People just assume you're OK and then what happens is you're just sat on the sofa on your own and people don't come over and it's quite a dark place to be," he said. It was around this time that he began thinking about dating.
'Deb had said to just get on with it'
He felt encouraged by a conversation he'd had with Deb in her final days."I remember Deb saying to me, 'oh, you'll be alright, just get on with it'," he said. But his plans to date received a mixed response from those around him."People were like 'oh, it's too soon'. Or another one was 'you do you'," he said. "My family just thought it was hilarious and 'good on you'."The kids just found it hilarious."He set up an online dating profile."I felt so stupid putting these pictures of me on there. I think there was a picture of me topless on holiday," he laughed."Then you think, 'good God, who on Earth is going to want to go on a date with a 42-year-old widower with three kids who is up and down like a Jack in a box? This is going to be interesting."
'Dates literally disappear'
Before long he found himself going on sometimes several dates a week.   "In some cases they were absolutely lovely and in some it was literally like a Mad Hatter's tea party, just absolute chaos," he laughed. He experimented with how best to break the news of his situation - sometimes he would give the heads-up before meeting, other times he would tell them in person."Sometimes people have literally disappeared into the toilet as soon as I've said 'I'm a widower, my wife died 18 months ago' or said 'I'm just going to get a drink' and then gone home," he said."That happened like two or three times, which was hilarious. They would just literally disappear."Then there was the time a date tried to kiss him, he refused and all hell broke loose."She basically started screaming and shouting at me in front of everyone, she actually launched at me and the doorman had to get involved," he said."She then made a universally recognised hand gesture towards me and off she went into the night."He said one woman started relentlessly contacting him from different social media  accounts and calling him from different numbers.On one date he found himself drenched in wine. "I made an excuse that I needed to go and she said 'you've just wasted my time' and just threw a drink all over me," he said."I had white wine just dripping down my Welsh face."There have also been dates with some  "really lovely people" who were also grieving a partner."But of course that's not going to work out, is it. I'm all over the shop," he said.
'She understands me'
Just over six months ago Geraint met someone.It was not through a dating site and they already knew of each other."She was aware of my situation and she's been incredibly helpful to me in the sense that she kind of understands me," he said. They have been on holiday with both her and his children and have another trip planned. Both his children and wider family are happy for him, he said."Deb's parents are fantastic and have been so supportive and we get on so well… we text and they come down and we've gone through this together."They know that I'm with someone who's a good person."
But how do you navigate a new relationship alongside grieving for you wife?"It's really, really tough," he admitted.He said recently on what would have been Deb's birthday his "head totally went"."I was a difficult person to be around," he said. "But I think we've got through the difficult bits now."
Ongoing grief
Geraint said he had accepted Deb was not coming back and was learning to live with his grief."But there have been times I've called out for her after thinking she was there in the street because [a woman was] wearing the same coat," he said. He believes his loss has left him an angrier, highly anxious if more empathetic version of himself. "There's all this nonsense that it goes away after two years, I hate it when people say that, in fact, it's never going to go so don't listen to that nonsense," he said. 
On Deb's birthday he and his three children go out for dinner but book a table for five people."When they say 'is the fifth person arriving?' I always say 'it just looks like she's running late'," he said. He said he tried to avoid Mother's Day but on the anniversary of her death hosts a memorial event each yearDeb's picture looks back at him from their fridge and around the house and he often spends time sitting on her memorial bench when he wants time to reflect. Social media has been an outlet for his grief and he continues to share his experience in the hope it may help others going through something similar."When she was dying, I said to her 'no-one's ever going to forget you'," he said."I've kind of made that my mission." 
Geraint's advice for those facing the death of a partner
If you can, before the person dies create a guide book to life without them, including practical things such as when do the bins go out? How do I get up the attic? When do I put the winter sheets on the bed?Ask your close friends for support during difficult milestones, such as packing away a loved one's belongingsHave a code word with close friends that means you need support quicklyDon't forget self-care - keep exercising and keep an eye on how much alcohol you're consumingKeep talking about the person you have lost and share your grief with others
Geraint's advice for those in a relationship with someone grieving a partner
Communication is key, have an open dialogueDon't lead anyone up the garden path - they're vulnerable Learn about grief - he recommends Ricky Gervais' Netflix series After Life and Julia Samuel's podcast A Living LossTreat the person who is grieving how you would like to be treated if you were in that situationAlways be respectful about the person who is no longer there