Fact: 99% of cooties are spead through casual human contact with the opposite gender.

“Over 3 million children are infected each year!”

~ American Medical Association on Cooties

“I am the Cootie Monster!”

~ Teen girl on Cooties

Cooties is a Sexually Transmitted Disease that is passed instantaneously when physical contact with an infected individual of the opposite sex occurs, attaching itself to your skin, the disease then spreads into your blood stream. Symptoms include ridicule, exclusion from peers and scabby encrusted sores. There is no cure for the disease but if you are infected I strongly suggest finding a sharp piece of metal and hammering it into your skull before you infect your friends and family. Don’t treat people with cooties like lesser people, because they're not even people, they're scum.

NOTE: Cootie shots are only 69% effective. They are best used in conjunction with other forms of protection, such as chastity belts and muzzles. Also, there are allegations that these shots are propagated by the FBI for the purpose of mind control, as proven in an episode of Mythbusters.

Symptoms

Oozing scabs around the area of contact.

Bleeding of eyes and ears.

Burning sensation around area of contact during urination.

Sudden attraction to opposite sex, same sex, or both.

Giggling, loss of hair, depression, repeated watching of "The Breakfast Club" and "A Walk to Remember", are also common symptoms.

Protecting yourself from infection

Limit any physical contact with other humans to a minimum. If you are worried about a person with cooties coming too close, a high powered rifle does the trick. If you come into contact with a person you are sure doesn’t have cooties, beat them into submission to stop them from touching you, if they do contract the disease in the future.

Cooties attaches itself to your skin, so the next step is to get rid of your epidermal layer. A cheese grater or vegetable peeler comes in handy with this. The skin you remove can also be used for other purposes such as home insulation. In fact...

You will need housing far away from society to avoid contact with fellow humans. A forest or swamp can easily be transformed into a home. Building a hut is a key to avoid freezing to death. Always remember to bring food and water, which is important for survival.

Make a protective suit as a further precaution in case the disease mutates. If you don’t have access to a suit you can construct one out of old pieces of plastic and rubber condoms. Avoid used condoms.

Talk to your school counselor or doctor about cootie shots, cootie insurance, or cootie shields.

Cooties in biology

Cooties in the female are produced in the breast. Women with large busts obviously produce a higher amount of cootie bacteria in the bloodstream. These bacteria the attach themselves to the red blood cells in the body, and are absorbed into the skin. Once these bacteria have been absorbed into the skin, they can be transferred to the opposite sex. Cooties can also be spread in the same way as STDs. Applicable prevention techniques *ahem* are outside the scope of this article.