May
1999 - Respect

What is
Respect in the Workplace?

We define Respect as Respect of self and of others. Respect
includes: respect for the environment; respect for other people's privacy, their
physical space and belongings; and respect for different viewpoints, philosophies,
religion, gender, lifestyle, ethnic origin, physical ability, beliefs and personality.

We chose the topic for this month several weeks ago as a continuing look
at the qualities we believe are essential to healthy workplaces. It seems even more
fitting given the recent events in Colorado that we take a moment to re-consider how
important respect is to people who work together.

Respect
starts at the beginning

Learning respect obviously starts at home, where as small children we take on what our
parents teach us. Later, as we enter school, we are influenced by many others.
When we enter the working world, we learn about company cultures. Since not
all families and schools teach children the full benefits of learning respect, all of us
can learn as adults to be more respectful of ourselves and others. Sometimes we have
to undo our early training, other times we can build upon what we learn.

In order to be able to enjoy the respect of others, we must first have respect for
our self. That means that we recognize that we are a person worthy of respect.
It means we don't make jokes or negative remarks that demean our abilities, our skills,
our looks or other aspects of our self. It means that we don't make jokes or negative
remarks about the ability, skills or other attributes of others.

We must remember that each person in the world has a valuable role to fulfill, whether
we agree with their way of doing it or not. If their way of living interferes with
the way we view the world, we must negotiate reasonable ways to work with them or find a
different space to occupy, not condemn them for being who they are. This aspect of
respect is a challenge for many people. However, with diligence, we can learn to be
free from judgment and learn to accept that everyone has right to exist.

The Tyrannical or Abusive Boss:

Example: A boss constantly criticizes our work, using very
negative and derogatory words about everything we do. Should we respect him/her because
they are "the boss"?

In this case, if we accept that the "boss" is better than we are and we
"deserve" to be treated badly, we are showing lack of respect for
our self.
This is not a healthy situation by any means.

First, we must remember that we deserve to be treated without abuse regardless of the
quality of our work. If we know our work is very good and it is still being overly
criticized, we are allowing ourselves to be demeaned unnecessarily. If our work is
of lower quality than is desired, we may need help in learning how to do better. We
still deserve respect.

We have some basic choices when faced with an abusive situations:

Stay and fight back. In this case, we can tell the boss that we
are willing to listen to their constructive comments, but we are not willing to be abused.
If they are not willing to treat us with reasonable respect, we should not stay in the
situation for our own health and mental well-being.
In the majority of harassment cases, the harasser defends their actions by saying they
only continued because the victim never complained. In more than 60% of the cases
where someone told a person to STOP their offensive behavior, that behavior stopped
immediately.
Sometimes, fighting back by filing a formal complaint is the best way to proceed.
This is a very difficult choice for most of us. It may cause us to be shunned by
others, subject to retaliation or worse. Sometimes, that action is enough to stop
the abuse and to get the situation corrected. Each person must decide for themselves
which course to take.

Stay and take it without complaining. If we continue to allow the
abuse, we are in effect telling the boss that we don't believe we are worthy of being
treated with respect. If we don't feel we are worthy of respect, why should anyone
else respect us. This about this long and hard if you find yourself in a situation like
this.

We can leave. Leaving a job due to an unpleasant situation is
often an agonizing decision since we so much want to believe that it should not be the
only way out. However, if you consider the other 2 options, sometimes, this turns
out to be the less difficult choice.
Many people no longer will allow themselves to be abused and will find another situation
or company where they can be happy and productive. Abusive situations cannot sustain
healthy, productive people. Those people will be affected and become unhealthy
fairly quickly.

We love the company, but . . .

Example: We love the company and the work we do. The
company enjoys good profits and the people work hard to make the company successful.
A new person joins the company who is very critical of everyone else, constantly
harping on the way things are done and generally being disagreeable about everything and
every one.

In this case, the culture is healthy but a single person with an unhealthy outlook can
contaminate it. If this person is a manager or executive, they can do a lot of
damage very quickly. If they are a non-management employee, their influence is less
powerful but still unhealthy.

In this situation, someone (preferably direct supervisor) should have a very blunt talk
with them and their ability to fit into the company's culture. They may suggest some
specific training to teach the person how to work better with the others in the company.
This training must be reviewed and the person's behavior monitored to make sure
they change in appropriate ways.

If they cannot adapt to the company culture, they must be moved out of the company so
that they do not poison a healthy environment. Notice that helping them to leave
shows respect for the people who are working hard, without disrespect for the person who
does not fit it. We do not need to make them wrong for being who they are, simply
let them know that their behavior is not appropriate in our situation.

We respectfully disagree . . .

Example: Someone we work with is adamant about how to market
the widgets our company makes. We strongly believe there is a "better" way
to handle the marketing.

What to do before we destroy our ability to work together?

First of all, remember that each person's views and opinions are their own, developed
from their own experience, their own skills and their view of the world. That makes
them right for them, but not necessarily right for others. When people are willing to
listen to others and realize this simple point, they can learn to appreciate the other
person's views, even though they may never agree on what is "best".

A compromise is required by everyone involved. One way to do this is in a group
session where each person can share their views without criticism. Then the group
can consider which if the ideas to implement, which to consider for later and which ones
need more research or development. If no one is made to feel their ideas are wrong,
the group can benefit from the active participation of all members of the team.

This scenario can work in the same for any subject that people disagree on. No
one has to change their own views or opinions, nor do they need to force theirs onto
anyone else. Yet, everyone can learn by listening with respect to what each person
has to say. This must be done without judgment, without anger and without
disrespect of the other person.

In the example of marketing widgets, the company might decide to do a pilot test of
several different methods and test the effectiveness of each before making a major commitment.
Or, they might combine some of the ideas into a different marketing strategy all
together.

By showing respect for others and listening, we can increase our own ability to think
creatively, clearly and effectively. Rarely does everyone agree on how to do
something, so we can each learn something new if we are willing to listen and be open to
new ideas and new ways of doing things.

Stubbornly refusing to listen to others, insisting that things only be done our way or
believing our way is the only right way is a symptom of weakness, not a symbol of
strength. Even if we can't see it ourselves, everyone around us can. When you
catch yourself needing to be right or needing to be in control, imagine that there is a
big sign over your head telling the world what a fool you are. You can't see it but
the rest of the world can.

Remember, Stubbornness and Arrogance are two of the 7 deadly
personality dragons. They will try their best to hide themselves from you. Most
other people can see them clearly even when you can't.

Bridges Across the Divide http://www.bridges-across.org/
models and resources for building respectful relationships among those who disagree
about sexual orientation and gender identity.

Cedarwood Sudbury School http://cedarwoodsudbury.org
Cedarwood Sudbury School provides an environment of freedom and support, not a
required curriculum, for students aged 5-18. Each student is free to explore his or her
own interests.

Communication Connections http://www.widomaker.com/~ldprice/
A directory of Internet sites and homepages related to the study of foreign
languages and their respective cultures.

Crime Times http://www.crime-times.org
provides current information on research about the link between aberrant behavior
and neurochemical imbalances, physical injury, drugs, toxic environment, diet, food and
chemical sensitivities, birth trauma, and genetic vulnerabilities to such factors.

DreamCatcher Inc http://www.dreamcatchers.org/
A non-profit organization fostering the creation of documentaries, features films,
educational events and school curriculum which promote the values of respect for nature
and respect for the people.

International House, Davis http://www.dcn.davis.ca.us/go/ihousedv/
whose purpose is to promote respect and appreciation for all people and cultures, to
explore international issues, and to work for world peace.

National Association of Gender Diversity Training http://gendertraining.com/
assisting individuals and businesses in creating a workplace culture of
understanding, respect, and harmony between men and women.

Parents, Families of Gay and Lesbian (PFLAG) http://www.backdoor.com/pflagsf/
committed to help change negative attitudes and to create an environment of
understanding so that all gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people can live with
dignity and respect.

South and Meso American Indian Rights Center http://www.nativeweb.org/
ensuring that the struggles of Latin America's Indigenous peoples for self-
determination and respect are heard; also supports Indigenous peoples' organizing efforts.

USDA's Partnerships Across Nations http://www.aphis.usda.gov/anawg/amerind.html
committed to building day-to-day working relationships with Native American
governments and respecting tribal heritage and cultural values when planning and
initiating its programs.

In the last week, I've had discussions with several people about the tragedy in
Littleton, Colorado and how we, as concerned spiritual leaders, can help deal with the
wide ripple effects of such incidents in our society. As parents, teachers, community
leaders, spiritual leaders, family members and concerned citizens, how many of us have
asked "how could this have happened" and "could this happen to me/my
family/my community"? I woke up this morning with this on my mind and wanted to share
some thoughts that have finally made their way out of my sub-conscious into my conscious
mind.

First and foremost, we must refrain from judging those involved - whether the police,
the teachers, the school district; the students who initiated this horrible event, their
parents or peers; the other students involved and the media. Judging them harshly and
criticizing them for whatever actions they did or did not do cannot help anyone. The deed
is done and we cannot undo it.

What can help is to try to understand what might have set the stage for such an event
and look at how we as a society, we as community leaders and we as parents and teachers
can make a difference so that such events do not re-occur.

As parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents, teachers, coaches or others involved with young
people, we can talk to children and teenagers about these events, then listen to their
views. We must be willing to hear them with our heart as well as our ears. We must be
willing to hear their pain, confusion and fears that something similar might happen to
them, their friends, their school or their family. And, we must be willing to be involved
in helping them come to some resolution of what steps might be advisable should they
encounter situations that have the potential to become violent situations. We must be
willing to help them develop coping strategies that could save their life or the life of
their friends should they find themselves in any violent situation.

We must be willing to fulfill our role as "elders" in teaching our young
people right from wrong and making sure that their learning experiences are giving them
the values that we want to teach. This involves paying attention to the television
programs they watch, the video games they are allowed to play, the way they treat others
at home and outside the home, the way they use the Internet and the type of behavior we
demonstrate to them in the way we conduct our own lives. We must be aware of the influence
of drugs, alcohol and weapons they may encounter and be willing to face the possibility
that our children could be involved. We cannot pretend that it can't happen to us
— it
happens every day to parents who never thought it could happen in their family.

We must be willing to help create laws and protections for our citizens that do not
destroy our historic value on individual freedom. This is a major challenge for our
society, since freedom is a core US value, as is the right to bear arms. We cannot
over-react to one incident by destroying that foundation in hasty reaction.

We must also find a way to have compassion for those who were personally touched by
this tragedy, including the parents of the young men who caused it. The comment by one set
of parents — "we loved our son as much as we knew how to love a child"
— screams with the heart-break and agony they must feel to have played a role in this tragic
event.

I cannot fully appreciate what they must feel. As a parent of two wonderful sons who
have grown into caring, considerate men, I feel blessed and grateful every day that they
are who they are. Especially seeing how disappointed some of my friends are in their
children who developed into someone they no longer understand. Some folks who are
knowledgeable in such things, suggest that these 2 boys were Nazis in their former life,
blindly dedicated to an ideal that wanted to destroy any who were not like them —
cold,
unloving, heartless individuals reborn into this country and still carrying the memories
of that former life over into this one, which could not be erased by current parental and
societal influence or genetics.

Whether you believe in reincarnation or not, I think it is safe to say that there are
so many factors that play into any person's development that we can never be sure we ever
fully understand what might motivate someone to do what those 2 boys did. We are left to
wonder "why?" ... "why me?" or "why not me?"

What we know about violence in the workplace and in our society is that the people
involved usually react out of fear, often terror. Work situations that are unhealthy,
disrespectful of employees, where people are verbally abused day in and day out, are
breeding grounds for violence, injuries and on-the-job accidents, harassment cases,
discrimination cases, high employee turnover, high employee sickness, lawsuits, product
failures, and much more. We have seen research supporting this and done our own surveys
that demonstrate the links between unhealthy corporate cultures and high numbers of
injuries on the job, and the links between healthy, productive corporate culture with low
number of injuries on the job.

What I would like to ask this group to consider is this: how can we — as people who
have impact on others — help make our society and our workplace a safer place to be? Many
on this list have shared what they are doing already. I'd like to ask each one of us to
think about what else we might BE AS AN EXAMPLE, what we might DO or what we might SAY,
that would help soften the harshness in our society and our workplace, and how we might
increase the humanity and gentleness of the area that we influence. You may share those
thoughts or ideas here if you feel inclined so that others might learn from them.

I apologize for the length of this message and look forward to hearing from anyone who
would like to add to the dialog.