Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Changing Children's Attitudes and Behaviours

In this article, I aim to give a
brief insight into understanding behaviours, in order for parents to
Islamically raise up children and/or change their behaviours to an Islamic one.

The
theory goes that a person is born with a set of inherited emotions that stays
with him throughout his life. This is called personality. Whereas attitudes are
gained through learning which represents the mental or thinking side of him.
These attitudes can stay the same by reinforcement of old experiences or can
change through new experiences. Taken together, personality and attitude form a
person's behaviour.

What
this means is that, since personality is inherited, we cannot change a person's
personality. But, we can change a person's overall behaviour by changing his
attitudes. Since attitudes represents our thinking and since our thinking
controls our emotions, it follows that if we can change his attitudes then we
can change his behaviours. (Note that when we are in a traumatic situation, our
emotions control our thinking - we are no longer rational).

For
example, when a child displays violent behaviours such as verbally or
physically abusing someone, we seek to change his attitudes and not his
personality. In this situation, his violent behaviours could be from his
personality or from his attitudes, or both. But as was pointed out above, the
key to changing behaviours is to change attitudes. Now to do so we must find
the source of his current attitudes, snip that source in the bud and provide
alternative sources of the new attitude.

Before
we go further we need to understand another theory: modelling. Modelling is
when a person learns from a particular source. When this happens the person takes
on those attitudes of the source, or model, and incorporates them into his own
behaviours. So if
the model teaches affectionate behaviours, the person will also display
affectionate behaviours. Similarly, if the model display aggressive behaviours
the person will also display aggressive behaviours. Thus in modelling, the
model influences the person.

In the
case of a child who displays 'bad' and 'un-Islamic' behaviours, we must
identify the possible models in order to rectify the behaviour. Take the
example from above whose child is violent. Models could include friends,
school, hobbies, sports, movies, singers, books, magazines, internet and also
family members. We must determine which are the ones that are teaching him these
bad attitudes. Once we have found it, we cut it at the source. That is,
separate the child from the model. We then provide Islamic models such as
Prophet Muhammad (s), all the prophets (a), companions (r) and Muslim heros. We
give him books, magazines and videos about these people, we provide him with
Muslim friends and we encourage him to attend Islamic camps and other Islamic
gatherings.

By
providing these alternative models we are teaching and reinforcing virtuous
Islamic attitudes. Over time, if he is constantly surrounded by these models,
and with Allah's will, he will begin to adopt and adapt to these new models. In
this way his behaviour will be changed.

This is
why it is so important to monitor the friends your child plays with, the school
he goes to, the hobbies he does, the sports he plays, the movies he watches,
what he reads and listens to, and to teach him good manners and behaviours
through Islamic models.

The
bottom line of all these theories is that, at an early age (even as a baby) we
must provide Islamic models for our children because they learn from these
models and form their behaviours around them. Witness
the child who watches TV all the time and has a favourite movie star. He copies
exactly this movie star's attitudes and behaviours: he dresses that way, he
talks that way and he acts that way.

This is
the problem with most 'Muslim teenagers' nowadays. They lack the proper Islamic
models, people who they can respect and imitate. This deficiency arises because
adults are not providing them with these models. As a result they spend their
time watching movies and sports and listening to music, hoping to find people
who they can look up to. Once they have found that special someone, they will
soak up the person's attitudes and hence, the person's behaviours.

I stress
once again, that it is our duty to provide our children with Islamic models. We
must saturate their lives with it. Have our libraries filled with stories of
Muslim prophets and heros. Find time to tell them these stories, no matter how
old our children are. All children of all ages need heros. Once they have a
love for these people then you will find that our children will want to be just
like them and as a result, they will think and act like them.

Why do
we want our children to think and act like these people? Because they are among
the virtuous, they enjoin what is good and forbid what is wrong. They live
their lives for Islam because they love Allah (swt). Is this not what we want
for our children?

Before I
end this article, I would like to remind everyone that the best role model that
we can provide for our children is Prophet Muhammad (s). As Allah (swt) says:

Indeed
in the Messenger of Allah (Muhammad) you have the best example to follow for
him who hopes in (the meeting with) Allah and the Last Day and remembers Allah
much.(Quran,
Al-Ahzab 33:21).