
The science of helping out: 'To help yourself, start by helping others' - rbanffy
https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/wellness/the-science-of-helping-out-during-a-crisis-12632408
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Ididntdothis
Having dealt with people in the animal rescue world I think there is another
aspect to this. First make sure you are stable and taking care of before you
try to help others. I have seen plenty of people who completely neglected
their own physical and financial health while helping others. This works for a
while but if you don’t take care of yourself eventually others will have to
take care of you. I think subconsciously these people believe they are doing
good but they can cause a lot of stress to the people around them.

~~~
Swizec
A scene from Baywatch I saw when I was 12 or 13 stayed with me forever. In the
scene, a rescue goes bad. Swimmer is unresponsive in the water next to a peer,
waves are sloshing, and the swimmer is about to get smashed to bits on the
peers.

Rescuer jumps in and tries to save the stranded swimmer. All goes well until
the rescuer gets smashed into the peer and injures his back. More rescuers
jump in and save the lives of both the swimmer and rescuer.

Then a stark lesson is delivered to the novice lifeguard who got hurt: This is
why we train you to use the victim as a cushion agains the peer. They're
already hurt and we don't need another victim.

That stuck with me. Rescue yourself first, then help others. Otherwise we just
end up with 2 people to rescue.

~~~
op03
Your story has an extra dimension - Bravery.

Some people will just jump on the grenade, run into a burning house etc. It's
an instinct baked into some small part of the population. No thinking
involved.

Helping others day to day doesn't always require bravery (physical
strength/low fear of physical danger) or courage (mental/moral strength).
Situations where its required (as with the lifeguard) training definitely
helps.

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bearer_token
I've always thought there should be an "other help" movement alongside "self
help."

Some of the content could include guidelines for being available while setting
firm boundaries, dealing with caregiver fatigue, setting up healthy habits
that loop another person without annoying them.

I would love to offer a couch to a friend in need, if I knew I could count on
them not to abuse it, that they'd make steady progress, and that there's a
deadline for when we get our lives back to normal. Unfortunately whenever I do
try to help out it usually ends up enabling continuing the problematic
behavior.

~~~
luckylion
> I would love to offer a couch to a friend in need, if I knew I could count
> on them not to abuse it, that they'd make steady progress, and that there's
> a deadline for when we get our lives back to normal. Unfortunately whenever
> I do try to help out it usually ends up enabling continuing the problematic
> behavior.

This sounds like the individualized perception of the issues with a government
welfare system. ;)

Very good idea on the "other help" movement though.

~~~
darkerside
Are you implying those perceived issues do not really exist?

~~~
luckylion
No, I'm implying they are very obvious when considered at an individual level.

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skmurphy
Key graf:

“One of the best things you can do is call someone else facing a similar
problem and talk them through it. When you talk other people through their
problems, you come up with wiser perspectives and solutions for yourself.”
Adam Grant, author of "Give and Take"

~~~
taurath
One of the most infuriating realizations is that we end up giving the advice
that we ourselves need.

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gumby
One thing I remember form working on a crisis line was some people were
definitely there because they had their own issues. That didn’t make them bad
on the phone (AFAIK — we didn’t listen in on others’s calls but we did discuss
them afterwards).

I have been told that quite a few people get into clinical psychiatry or
psychology with the hope it will help them with their own issues.

~~~
mettamage
To me, that seems like a case of: people get most fascinated with what hits
closest to home. And whatever you experience yourself qualifies for that.

~~~
gumby
That doesn’t necessarily make you a good candidate for a crisis line btw. E.g.
if you have had suicidal thoughts in the past,mor lost a sibling that way, you
might have difficulty when that comes up on the phone.

------
ArcMex
When I was a kid, all I did was give. I gave until I had nothing left to give.
When my mother found out about it, she would always yell at me and ask, "what
about you? How are you going to survive without X?" Truth is, I never thought
about the consequences. I just knew that if I gave someone something they
needed, that was all that mattered. And it felt good. I'm 29 now and my mother
is late. Things are different. I am the most selfish person I know. I always
give less than I want to give. Sometimes, I just outright say NO. But that's
because I am trying to build a life for myself. I am saving for marriage, a
house and my business; so I hardly have anything to give anyway. I always tell
myself, I will help out more once I am all settled but I don't really believe
it deep down. And it feels good.

~~~
KarlKemp
This reads like Ayn Rand Fanfic.

In particular, I can't think of anything a child could give away that would
fit the "X" in "How are you going to survive without X?"

I also doubt that anyone would remember their actions as a child in such
terms. A child doesn't decide to altruistically give away their stuff. It does
so because it is in their nature. And as with anything that comes naturally,
you are unlikely to form explicit memories of such actions.

~~~
darkerside
What's the point of this comment? To cast doubt on the personal experience
that was shared by another person?

This may sound like an alien situation to you, but I assure you parent is not
the only person who's been through this archetype character development.

------
nostromo
I have a hard time taking feel good social science results at face value after
the replication crisis.

The entire field needs to be torn down and built back up on a better
foundation.

------
chewz
Please remember to put on YOUR air mask FIRST, before helping children or
other people.

~~~
sdoering
thanks. Now I know I am not alone in using this metaphor.

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paypalcust83
In my life experience, many Americans tend to be selfish individualists and
fail to reciprocate or be concerned about anyone else. For example, a donation
barrel at a local hackerspace one recent holiday season was essentially empty.
Inequality is also rampant as thousands of homeless people live on highway
embankments while millionaires drive past in Ferraris.

In areas without community social ramifications (typically large cities),
there's little benefit of helping and minimal risks of not helping others.
OTOH, there are bigger risks of not being helpful in rural areas where there
might be one general store run by one person and where reputation gossip gets
around.

~~~
dcx
While I agree on the inequality, the US does have the highest charitable
donations per capita of all countries worldwide by quite a margin [1], which
seems to be a good measure of generosity. Although the counterpoint to this
might be that said charity is only necessary because of the effects of a kind
of systemic selfishness? (I don't know this subject matter very well; more
informed perspectives very welcome)

[1]
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_charitabl...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_charitable_donation)

~~~
DFHippie
I wonder how much of that, though, is tithing or other support of religious
institutions. I'm not sure how to tease these apart, but Creflo Dollar and
Opus Dei seem like they should be in a different category from Oxfam and
street beggars.

~~~
david_w
Yeah, you're right.

[https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/758803/Oxfam-scandal-
sex-a...](https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/758803/Oxfam-scandal-sex-abuse-
corruption-deaths)

[https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/918425/OXFAM-SCANDAL-
chari...](https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/918425/OXFAM-SCANDAL-charity-
losing-half-a-million-pounds-A-YEAR-fraud)

[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2641108/Former-
head...](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2641108/Former-head-counter-
fraud-Oxfam-jailed-stealing-64-000-charity-probing-misconduct-aid-workers-
Haiti.html)

[https://www.oxfam.org.uk/what-we-do/about-us/plans-
reports-a...](https://www.oxfam.org.uk/what-we-do/about-us/plans-reports-and-
policies/reporting-misconduct)

