It’s Official: Measles to be Renamed as “Preventables”

Apr 23, 2019

Measles shall now be called “Preventables,” according to The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Measles is a highly contagious virus that can kill babies or cause lifelong brain damage. In 1912, there were an average of 6,000 measles-related deaths per year. This changed in 1954 when the measles vaccine was isolated. By the year 2000, measles were declared to be "100% eliminated" from the United States.

But for as long as there have been vaccines, there have been people against vaccines. From religious groups to those who distrust the government, people have passionate opinions on what goes into their bodies, especially when it is forced upon you (like the fluoridation of water or vaccines).

In today's times, fueled by the Internet, a modern anti-vaccine movement has taken root. This movement claims that vaccines overload the immune system, cause autism, contain mercury, or “aren’t bad, but the way the industry does them is bad.” Celebrities from Jenny McCarthy to President Trump have helped to proselytize anti-vax sentiments.

If you repeat something enough, the idea will take hold in peoples’ imaginations, regardless of its veracity. And so now measles is back in force. More people have contracted measles in the first three months of 2019 than in all of 2018. These outbreaks are happening specifically within communities of unvaccinated people.

The CDC has speculated that measles might just be an issue of branding. “Perhaps the name measles doesn’t resonate with millennials?” they asked internally. So a secret committee met and decided to rename measles as “preventables.” Because "well, it’s entirely preventable.”

Critics were quick to respond. “This just shows how out of touch the CDC military industrial complex is!” said @vaxxxtrails, a woman we randomly found on Twitter to provide you with a counter-opinion. “The CDC needs to stop re-branding and start re-being.”

Last heard, the CDC has gone back to the drawing board. Rumors have it that they are considering using much more potent names for measles, such as “Baby Killer,” “Rashism,” or “The Bad-Selfie Disease.”

Stay tuned at The Tilted Glass for more coverage of this breaking topic.