5 ways mindfulness can make you a better partner

When we start practising mindfulness, it tends to be about us. Perhaps we want to reduce stress or boost our work/study performance.

But ultimately it becomes about others. We become less reactive and nicer to be around. We listen and communicate better and become more empathetic. And pretty soon our relationships start to improve, this is why...

Start with yourself

The relationship we have with others reflects the relationship we have with ourselves. Many of us are so caught up in our thoughts and busy lives that we don’t often know what we’re feeling. And often we are dismissive or even critical of our vulnerability. As a result we tend to relate to others in this way.

Mindfulness helps us to become more intimate with ourselves. We get in touch with feelings and needs and become kinder and more present with ourselves. When we practice this, we naturally become more emotionally intimate with others – more present and kinder towards other people’s vulnerability.

Communicate mindfully

Once we are familiar with something, we can (for better or worse) do it on automatic pilot without paying attention to it. This is true for everything, including our relationships.

Listening mindfully means really listening, rather than waiting for our turn to speak or finishing other people’s sentences. It also means being open to what they are saying, rather than always trying to convince them of our viewpoints. We can listen to the words but also the non-verbal information e.g. facial expressions and body language.

Speaking mindfully means paying attention to the words we are using and making an effort to set aside judgement and self-criticism.

Listening and speaking in this way leads to better relationships and more accurate communication.

Express our needs directly

Once we are more intimate with ourselves, we can start tuning into our emotions and underlying needs. For example, if we are feeling lonely, we need connection – either with ourselves or with others. Or if we are angry, perhaps our need for safety or respect isn't getting met.

Once we have identified our needs, we can ask for them to be met. Perhaps we might reach out to someone for connection, or tell them what they are doing is not okay with us. Expressing our needs directly in this, rather than making demands or using guilt, making much more likely our needs will be met.

Cultivate kindness and compassion

The default setting for many people it Is to be self-critical when things are difficult. Often we’re much kinder and more patient with others than we are with ourselves.

Mindfulness helps us to notice this tendency and its costs. If we pay attention, we will notice that self-criticism feels bad, makes it hard to think clearly and lowers our self-esteem.

Letting go of self-critical thoughts is a good start. We can also practice being kind to ourselves when we are suffering. Offering ourselves reassurance, or even just giving ourselves permission to feel vulnerable, can do wonders.

Make love mindfully

The habit of being distracted and focused on outcomes permeates every area of our life. It even makes its way into the bedroom.

Slowing down and tuning in makes lovemaking much more enjoyable. Think of the difference between eating in front of the television and savouring a delicious meal in an expensive restaurant. Mindful lovemaking means taking time to tune into sensations and explore what it means to be really present with our partner. If we are up for a black belt challenge, we can even open our eyes during sex!

If that sounds too intense, we can just start with a hug. Research shows that hugging someone mindfully for 10 seconds or more releases the beneficial hormone oxytocin. Try it and see!

Dr Richard Chambers is a clinical psychologist and internationally-recognised expert in mindfulness. Join Dr. Richard Chambers for his upcoming 4-week Mindfulness and Meditation Course in Melbourne. Full details can be found here.