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  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

  Vol. 147

  SEPTEMBER 9, 1914.




CHARIVARIA.

The _Deutsche Tageszeitung_ says:--"Our present war with England shall
not be done by halves; it is no war to be stopped by 'notice,' but by a
proper settlement. Otherwise the peace we all desire would be both
rotten and dangerous." Your wish shall be respected, _Deutsche
Tageszeitung_.

       * * *

The fines which Germany has been imposing so lavishly on towns and
provinces will, a commercial friend informs us, ultimately prove to be
what are known in City circles as "temporary loans."

       * * *

By the way, _The Globe_ tells us that the KAISER was once known to his
English relatives as "The Tin Soldier." In view of his passion for
raising tin by these predatory methods this title might be revived.

       * * *

The German threat that they will make "_Gurken-salad_" of the Goorkhas,
leaves these cheery little sportsmen undismayed.

       * * *

We give the rumour for what it is worth. It is said that, overcome with
remorse at the work of his vandals at Louvain, the KAISER has promised
when the war is over to present the city with a colossal monument of
himself.

       * * *

Meanwhile President WILSON is being urged by innumerable tourist
agencies in his country to stop the war before any more historical
buildings are demolished.

       * * *

A number of the more valuable of the pictures in the Louvre have, with a
view to their safety, been placed in cellars. _La Gioconda_ is to be
interned at an extra depth, as being peculiarly liable to be run away
with.

       * * *

Strangely enough, the most heroic single-handed feat of the war seems
only to have been reported in one paper, _The Express_. We refer to the
following announcement:--

    "AUSTRIAN WARSHIP SUNK
      By J. A. SINCLAIR POOLEY
       _Express_ Correspondent."

       * * *

It is stated that the German barque _Excelsior_, bound for Bremen with a
valuable cargo, has been captured by one of our cruisers. It speaks well
for the restraint of our Navy that, with so tempting a name, she was not
blown up.

       * * *

A proposal has been made in _The Globe_ that all "alien enemies" in this
country shall be confined within compounds until the end of the War.
Suggested alteration in the National Anthem: "Compound his enemies."

       * * *

"Carry on" is no doubt an admirable motto for these times, but the
Special Constable who was surprised by his wife while carrying on with a
cook (which he thought to be part of his professional duty) complains
that it is misleading.

       * * *

We hear that some of our Nuts have volunteered to serve as regimental
pets.

       * * *

Partridge shooting began last week, but poor sport is recorded. The
birds declare that it is not their fault. They turned up in large
numbers, but there were not enough guns to make it worth while.

       * * *

Illustration: _The Thinker._ "YOU SAY THIS WAR DON'T AFFECT YOU: BUT
'OW, INSTEAD OF A BRITISH COPPER SAYIN', 'GIT AHT OF IT,' WOULD YER LIKE
ONE O' THEM GERMAN JOHNDARMS TO KEEP PRODDIN' AT YER WIF 'IS BAYNIT?"

       *       *       *       *       *

The Gibraltar Manner.

    "GIBRALTAR LIFE NORMAL.
    Ladies Making Garments."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TWO GERMANIES.


    Marvellous the utter transformation
    Of the spirit of the German nation!

    Once the land of poets, seers and sages,
    Who enchant us in their deathless pages,

    Holding high the torch of Truth, and earning
    Endless honour by their zeal for learning.

    Such the land that in an age uncouther
    Bred the soul-emancipating LUTHER.

    Such the land that made our debt the greater
    By the gift of _Faust_ and _Struwwelpeter_.

       * * *

    Now the creed of NIETZSCHE, base, unholy,
    Guides the nation's brain and guides it solely.

    Now MOZART'S serene and joyous magic
    Yields to RICHARD STRAUSS, the haemorrhagic.[1]

    Now the eagle changing to the vulture
    Preaches rapine in the name of culture.

    Now the Prussian _Junker_, blind with fury,
    Claims to be God's counsel, judge and jury.

    While the authentic German genius slumbers,
    Cast into the limbo of back numbers.


[Footnote 1: Great play is made in STRAUSS'S _Elektra_ with the
"slippery blood" motive.]

       *       *       *       *       *

The Late "Kaiser Wilhelm der Grosse."

_First Student of the War._ Why did they call it "Kaiser William the
Grocer?"

_Second Student._ Don't know. I should have described him as a Butcher.

       *       *       *       *       *

"PETROGRAD.

    NEW NAME FOR THE RUSSIAN CAPITAL.

    PETROGRAUD (St. Petersburg), Tuesday.

    By Imperial order, the city of St. Petersburg will henceforth be
    known as Petrograu."

    _Evening Standard._

It looks more like three new names.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Q._ I hear the Sugar Refiners are raising cane?

_A._ That's because they haven't yet got the German beet.

[_Awarded Gold Medal and Banana Skin for worst joke of the war._]

       *       *       *       *       *

FOR THE RED CROSS.

    Ye that have gentle hearts and fain
      To succour men in need,
    There is no voice could ask in vain,
      With such a cause to plead--
    The cause of those that in your care,
      Who know the debt to honour due,
    Confide the wounds they proudly wear,
      The wounds they took for you.

    Out of the shock of shattering spears,
      Of screaming shell and shard,
    Snatched from the smoke that blinds and sears,
      They come with bodies scarred,
    And count the hours that idly toll,
      Restless until their hurts be healed,
    And they may fare, made strong and whole,
      To face another field.

    And yonder where the battle's waves
      Broke yesterday o'erhead,
    Where now the swift and shallow graves
      Cover our English dead,
    Think how your sisters play their part,
      Who serve as in a holy shrine,
    Tender of hand and brave of heart,
      Under the Red Cross sign.

    Ah, by that symbol, worshipped still,
     