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[Illustration: JOHN SMITH’S FUNNY ADVENTURES ON A CRUTCH]

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                              JOHN SMITH’S

                                _FUNNY_

                        ADVENTURES ON A CRUTCH!,

                                 OR THE

                  REMARKABLE PEREGRINATIONS OF A ONE-
                     LEGGED SOLDIER AFTER THE WAR.

                                   BY

                              A. F. HILL,
            AUTHOR OF “OUR BOYS, OR ADVENTURES IN THE ARMY,”
                  “THE WHITE ROCKS, OR THE ROBBERS  OF
                      THE MONONGAHELA,” ETC., ETC.


                         _WITH ILLUSTRATIONS._


                             PHILADELPHIA:
                      THE KEYSTONE PUBLISHING CO.
                                 1890.

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                               COPYRIGHT
                       BY KEYSTONE PUBLISHING CO.

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                                 TO THE

                                _MEMORY_

                                   OF

                             ARTEMUS WARD,

                   WHOM THE WORLD OWES FOR A THOUSAND
                             HAPPY SMILES,

                        THIS WORK IS FRATERNALLY

                               DEDICATED

                                   BY

                              THE AUTHOR.


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                                PREFACE.

It is verily more difficult to write a good preface for a book than to
write the book itself. We don’t mind telling the reader, very
confidentially, that this is not, by any means, our first effort at a
preface for this work: and we earnestly hope that the public will not
pronounce this _ninth_ one so stupid as we deemed the eight preceding
ones that we tore up.

It will be perceived that our hero bears the historic name of JOHN
SMITH. Original old JOHN SMITH, the Virginia settler, met with many
adventures—some of them funny and others _not_ so funny—among the latter
was the affair with Miss Pocahontas and her stern old parent: and we
claim, for our own JOHN SMITH, as many adventures as his illustrious
namesake—some of them quite as funny and others funnier.

Nothing in this narrative of real incidents is at all calculated to
reflect on the excellent character of Mr. Smith: and this is because we
esteem him very highly and not from any dread of the law; for John Smith
is so multitudinous, that one _could_ handle the name with impunity, and
not incur any risk of prosecution for libel. What would a court say to
an action against a writer for libeling JOHN SMITH, yeoman!—especially
when the writer should plead that he never meant _that_ JOHN SMITH, but
quite another, unknown to the court.

There are those who will shrewdly guess that the hero of the narrative
represents the author himself, the chief grounds for such inference
being a striking similarity in the number of nether limbs. That,
however, should scarcely be taken as conclusive; for, since “this cruel
war is over,” there are nearly as many one-legged men in the country as
there are JOHN SMITHS!

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                               CONTENTS.

                      ----------------------------


                               CHAPTER I.
                          THE WAY IT HAPPENED.

                              CHAPTER II.
                   JOHN’S ADVENTURE WITH A CRAZY MAN.

                              CHAPTER III.
              PROPOSES TO LEAP FROM A THIRD-STORY WINDOW.

                              CHAPTER IV.
                               LOCKED UP

                               CHAPTER V.
                 ACCOMMODATED WITH A “ROOM LOWER DOWN.”

                              CHAPTER VI.
                 THE WAY SMITH GETS BORED.—AN EPISODE.

                              CHAPTER VII.
                          JOHN SMITH’S FRIEND.

                             CHAPTER VIII.
                 JOHN THOUGHT HE WOULD LIKE TO TRAVEL.

                              CHAPTER IX.
                             SEA-SICK.—UGH!

                               CHAPTER X.
                               THE “HUB.”

                              CHAPTER XI.
                  NARROW ESCAPE IN A ROW AT BALTIMORE.

                              CHAPTER XII.
                  HOW SMITH TRAVELED A-FOOT—AND MORE.

                             CHAPTER XIII.
                  ROMANCE IN JOHN SMITH’S “REAL LIFE.”

                              CHAPTER XIV.
                              THE HUDSON.

                              CHAPTER XV.
                           JOHN AT SARATOGA.

                              CHAPTER XVI.
                             THE SAIL-BOAT.

                             CHAPTER XVII.
                             NIAGARA FALLS.

                             CHAPTER XVIII.
                           CAVE OF THE WINDS.

                              CHAPTER XIX.
                                CANADA.

                              CHAPTER XX.
                      COL. JOHN SMITH AT AN HOTEL.

                              CHAPTER XXI.
                        COURTESIES OF TRAVELERS.

                             CHAPTER XXII.
                  “THE CITY OF MAGNIFICENT DISTANCES.”

                             CHAPTER XXIII.
                     SMITH’S EXPERIENCE ON A SKATE.

                             CHAPTER XXIV.
                          OVER THE MOUNTAINS.

                              CHAPTER XXV.
                DIFFICULTY WITH THE OWNER OF PITTSBURG.

                             CHAPTER XXVI.
                      PECULIARITIES OF TRAVELERS.

                             CHAPTER XXVII.
                           MCCULLOCH’S LEAP.

                            CHAPTER XXVIII.
                              CINCINNATI.

                             CHAPTER XXIX.
                        FALL CITY AND CAVE CITY.

                              CHAPTER XXX.
            JOHN SMITH’S ABSENCE FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

                             CHAPTER XXXI.
                           THE “NIGHTINGALE.”

                             CHAPTER XXXII.
         SMITH’S EXTRAORDINARY ADVENTURES IN THE “MOUND CITY.”

                            CHAPTER XXXIII.
                     HOW NOT TO OPEN A PATENT LOCK.

                             CHAPTER XXXIV.
                          A GAME OF CHECKERS.

                             CHAPTER XXXV.
                            JOHN IN CHICAGO.

                             CHAPTER XXXVI.
                         TRAVELING COMPANIONS.

                            CHAPTER XXXVII.
                        MILWAUKEE AND THE LAKES.

                            CHAPTER XXXVIII.
                     SMITH IN SEARCH OF HIS UNCLE.

                             CHAPTER XXXIX.
                      SMITH’S KNOWLEDGE OF GERMAN.

                              CHAPTER XL.
      “A LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE, AND A HOME ON THE ROLLING DEEP.”

                              CHAPTER XLI.
        J. SMITH’S CURIOSITY TO SEE A GALE