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  PUNCH,

  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

  VOLUME 98.

  MAY 17, 1890.

       *       *       *       *       *

ALL IN PLAY.

MY DEAR EDITOR,--Whilst you were feasting in Burlington House amongst
the Pictures and the Royal Academicians, I was seated in the Stalls of
the St. James's Theatre, lost in astonishment (certainly not in
admiration, although of old the two words had the same meaning), at the
antics of a minority of the Gallery, who amused themselves by shouting
themselves hoarse before the performances commenced; but not satisfied
with this, they continued their shrieking further: they howled at the
overture of the first piece, they jeered at the scene, they yelled at
the actors. However, as it happened, _The Tiger_ had been already
successfully played on two occasions last year, so a verdict was not
required at _their_ hands. Had Mr. SOLOMON, the composer, conducted, he
would have taken _The Tiger_ away, and left the howlers to their
howling. Since Saturday the piece has, I am informed, "gone" with what
the Americans call a "snap." The music is charming. Mr. CHARLES COLNAGHI
made his bow as a professional, and played and sang excellently, as did
also Mr. J. G. TAYLOR, in spite of the riotous conduct of the
"unfriendlies."

Then came _Esther Sandraz_. Mrs. LANGTRY looked lovely, and played with
great power; but what an unpleasant part! Until the end of the First Act
all was right. The sympathy was with the heroine of the hour, or,
rather, two hours and a half; but when it was discovered that _Esther_
loved but for revenge, and wished to bring sorrow and shame upon the
fair head of Miss MARION LEA, then the sentiments of the audience
underwent a rapid change. Everyone would have been pleased if Mr. SUGDEN
had shot himself in Act II.; nay, some of us would not have complained
if he had died in Act I., but the cat-and-mouse-like torture inflicted
upon him by _Esther_ was the reverse of agreeable. Mr. SUGDEN was only a
"Johnnie", but still "Johnnies" have feelings like the rest of us. Mr.
BOURCHIER was rather hard as a good young man who does _not_ die, and
Mr. EVERILL (steady old stager) kept everything well together. If the
play keeps the boards for any length of time, it will be, thanks to the
power of Mrs. LANGTRY, the natural pathos of Miss MARION LEA, and the
unforced comedy of Mr. EVERILL.

On Monday Miss GRACE HAWTHORNE produced _Theodora_ at the Princess's
Theatre with some success. It cannot be said, however, that Mlle. SARA
BERNHARDT has at length found her rival, but, for all that, the heroine
of the moment might have been worse. "SARDOU'S masterpiece" (as the
programmes have it) was very well staged. The scenery and costumes were
excellent, and great relief was afforded to the more tragic tones of the
play by entrusting the heavy part of _Andreas_ to Mr. LEONARD BOYNE, who
is a thorough artist, with just the least taste in life of the brogue
that savours more of the Milesian Drama. Mr. W. H. VERNON was the
_Justinian_ of the evening, and looked the Lawgiver to the life;
although I am not quite sure whether a half-concealed moustache was
quite the fashion in the days of the Empire. Mr. ROBERT BUCHANAN, the
adapter of "the masterpiece", introduced several nineteenth century
expressions into the dialogue. In the "home of the Gladiators", it was
quite pleasant to hear people talking of a "row", and made one wish to
have a description of "a merry little mill", in the language of the
sporting Press. No doubt, the length of the performances was the reason
why so racy a narrative was omitted. For the rest, there are some thirty
speaking parts--a good allowance for a play consisting of six Acts and
seven _Tableaux_. A "Masterpiece" (in English) is better than a feast,
for it is enough--for a lifetime. Believe me, yours faithfully,

ONE WHO HAS TAKEN A DOUBLE "FIRST."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A CHANGE.

From a Fasting Man to a Sandwich Man. Useful to Advertisers.]

       *       *       *       *       *

A STIRRING POLE.--A more stirring pianist than PADEREWSKI, who played on
Friday afternoon at St. James's Hall for the first time in England, has
never been heard. The report that he is a Polonised Irishman needs
confirmation. The name is suspicious. But there are no sound reasons for
supposing that the first two syllables of PADEREWSKI'S name are simply a
corruption of the Hibernian "Paddy."

       *       *       *       *       *

CLASSIC MOTTO FOR THOSE WHO SELL AS THE GENUINE ARTICLE TEA UNDER A
FALSE BRAND.--"_Nomine mutato fabula narratur de Tea._"

       *       *       *       *       *

MRS. R. wants to know if she can ascertain all about the Law of Libel,
&c., in the works which she contemplates purchasing of WALTER SAVAGE
SLANDOR.

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR ADVERTISERS.

_A New Departure, or the "Give-'em-a-hand-all-round" Wrinkle._

ROYAL QUARTPOTARIUM.--THE RENOWNED WORLD FASTING CHAMPION, who is
dressed in a READY-MADE SUIT OF TWEED DITTOS (38_s._) supplied by
Messrs. LEVI, SOLOMANS & CO., of 293, Houndsditch, and is

       * * *

SEATED ON THE GENT'S EASY LOUNGE CHAIR, forming one of the articles of
the highly-upholstered dining-room set (as advertised) by Messrs.
GLUBBINS, KNICKERBOCKER & CO., of Tottenham Court Road, where at any
hour he can be seen

       * * *

SIPPING ALTERNATELY FROM TWO LARGE CUT-GLASS TUMBLERS, furnished by
Messrs. WAGBITTER AND GROANS, of New Oxford Street,

       * * *

BLINKER'S CONCENTRATED COD-LIVER EMULSION MELTED FATS (57_s._ the dozen
pints, bottles included), and

       * * *

SPARKLING SINGULARIS WATER, bottled in nine-gallon flagons by the
Company at their extensive works in the Isle of Dogs, with which, to the
satisfaction of his friends, he succeeds in washing down, in turns,
hourly,

       * * *

BINNACLE'S CONDENSED DIGESTIVE BOILED PORK LOZENGES, supplied by all
respectable Chemists throughout the United Kingdom, in 1_s._ 9_d._,
3_s._ 9_d._, 13_s._ 3_d._, 27_s._ 6_d._, and 105_s._ Boxes;

       * * *

SIDES, BREASTS, FORE-QUARTERS, SADDLES, AND ENTIRE WHOLE OR HALF-SHEEP
OF PRIME BOLIVIAN MUTTON delivered daily by the Company's carts, from
their own Refrigerators;

       * * *

WINKER'S INVALID INFANT'S PICK-ME-UP CORDIAL--(WINKER & CO., the
Manufactory, Hoxton-on-Sea);

       * * *

TINNED AMERICAN OYSTERS. FINE SELECTED THIRDS. Guaranteed by the
Blue-Point Company, Wriggleville, Texas, U.S.A.; and

       * * *

ZWINGERINE, the new marvellous nerve and tone-restoring, and muscle,
bone, and fat-producing agency, EACH TEASPOONFUL OF WHICH contains, in a
highly-concentrated form, three bottles of port wine, soup, fish, cut
off the joint, two _entrees_, sweet, cheese, and celery, as testified to
by a public analyst of standing and repute. Agents, GLUM & CO, Seven
Dials.

       * * *

THE FASTING CHAMPION continues to receive visitors as above from 6 A.M.
to 11 P.M. daily, and may be inspected, watched, stared at, pinched,
questioned, and examined generally, by his admiring friends, the British
Public, in his private _sanctum_ at the Royal Quartpotarium, till
further notice.

       *       *       *       *       *

IN THE KNOW.--(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)

CARDINAL RICHELIEU once observed to Madame DE ST. GALMIER, that if Kings
could but know the folly of their subjects they would hesitate at
nothing. Mr. JEREMY evidently knows thoroughly how stupendously
cabbage-headed his readers are, for he never hesitates to put forward
the most astounding and muddy-minded theories. For instance, he asks us
this week to believe that _Saladin_ ought to have won the Shropshire
Handicap, because he was known to be a better horse, from two miles up
to fifty, than the four other horses who faced the starter. If this
stuff had been addressed to an audience of moon-calves and mock-turtles
it might have passed muster, but, thank Heaven, we are not _all_ quite
so low as that yet. Let me therefore tell Mr. JEREMY, that when a horse
like _Saladin_, whose back-bone is like the Himalaya mountains, and his
pastern joints like a bottle-nosed whale with a cold in his head, comes
to the post with two stone and a beating to his credit, and four hoofs
about the size of a soup-tureen to his legs, he can never be _expected_
to get the better of slow roarers like _Carmichael_ and _Busby_, to say
nothing of _Whatnot_ and _Pumblechook_. It is well known, of course,
that the latter has been in hard training for a month, and a better
horse at cornbin or bran-mash never stepped. _Saladin_ won, I know, but
it was for reasons very different from those given by Mr. JEREMY.

There is nothing new about the Derby horses. I believe they are mostly
in training, but I reserve my opinion until I see what the addle-pates
who own them mean to do.

       *       *       *       *       *

"A SELF-MADE MAN", said Mrs. R., thoughtfully, "is the artichoke of his
own fortunes."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE MODERN HERCULES AND THE PYGMIES.

(_Extracts from the Diary of an Explorer in the Society Islands._)]

From the bears, apes, and foxes with which the thickets of the great
forest of Societas abounded, it is but a step to the Pygmy tribes whom
we found inhabiting the tract of country between the Uperten and the
Suburban rivers. The Pygmies are as old as Swelldom, as ubiquitous as
Boredom, the two secular pests of the earth. You will remember that
Hercules once fell asleep in the deserts of Africa, after his conquest
of Antaeus, and was disturbed in his well-earned rest by an attack of a
large army of these troublesome Lilliputians, who, it is recorded,
"discharged their arrows with great fury upon his arms and legs." The
hero, it is added, "pleased with their courage, wrapped a great number
of them in the skin of the Nemean lion, and carried them to Eurystheus."

I was not "pleased with their courage", but plagued with their
importunities. HERODOTUS described the capture of five young explorers
from Naasamoves while they were examining some curious trees in the
Niger basin, and tells how the little men took them to their villages
and showed them about to their fellow Pygmies. So, in a sense, the
Pygmies of Societas "captured" me, and showed me about to their fellow
denizens of this Land of Lilliput. They "discharged their arrows" (which
they called "In-Vites", and each of which was branded with the mystic
letters, R.S.V.P.) at me in swarms, and though they rather tickled than
hurt, yet after a time their minute but multiplied prickings became no
end of a nuisance.

Let us pause a little, and pay such honour as is due for persistence and
importunity to these "little people", who have outlived the wise men of
Egypt, the prophets of Palestine, the magicians of Persia, and the sages
of Greece and Rome. They have actually been able to hold their own from
the days of HOMER, through those of HORACE, down even to those of
HAGGARD. I have seen the wear and tear of the Pyramids of Egypt (which
is nothing to that of a lionised hero in Societas); I can certify that
the Sphynx presents a very battered appearance indeed (though not so
battered as mine, after the "little people" had done with me), but the
Pygmies of to-day in Societas appear to be as plentiful and as perky as
those that thousands of years ago swarmed in AEthiopia, built their
houses with egg-shells, made war upon the Cranes, and attacked the tired
hero Hercules.

You will understand that I, who have always professed to love humanity,
even in the form of mannikins, better than beetles and butterflies, was
as much interested in these small creatures as was Hercules in the
skinful of <DW40>s he carried to the exacting Eurystheus. As I looked at
them, and thought how these represented the oldest race on the
globe--namely, the Inquisitive Quidnuncs--my admiration really went to
greater lengths than scoffing cynics might have expected.

These Pygmies of Societas, though small, are cunning, and wise in their
generation. For the most part they toil not, (save at pleasure-seeking
and lion-hunting), neither do they spin (anything beyond the edifying
yarns they call "after-dinner stories"). But they manage to live on the
fat of the land. The larger aborigines (called the Whirkirs) are very
industrious, and form the clearings and cultivate the various produce of
the place. The Pygmies appear to be aware that the plantations and
powers of the Whirkirs are practically inexhaustible, and to think that
they have as much right to the produce as the aboriginal owners and
tillers. Therefore, they cling tightly to these plantations, and make
the larger and more laborious natives pay dearly for the honour of their
acquaintance. In another manner they perform valuable service by setting
fashions, receiving strangers, and assisting in the defence of the
settlements; they also hunt game, and supply the larger natives with
plenty to do in working for and waiting on them. It appeared to me that
the Pygmies were regarded somewhat as parasites (though highly
ornamental ones, like orchids) whose departure would be more welcome--to
the aborigines--than their vicinity. But a race which has survived so
much and so many things is not easily to be got rid of.

Anyhow, _I_ couldn't get rid of them, though sometimes I felt
inclined to imitate Hercules. With their arrows and their unblushing
importunities they had me at advantage, and even as _Gulliver_ became
the victim of the <DW40>s of Lilliput, so did I of the innumerable,
inquisitive, imperturbably impertinent Pygmies of Societas.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FIRST FIGHT.

(_Between the Seventh Team of Australian Cricketers and an English
Eleven, begun at Sheffield Park, on May 8, 1890._)

  A HAZE hung over the Surrey Downs
  In the early morning; but Nature's frowns
  Broke up in smiles as the day advanced.
  And the grey mist cleared and the sunbeams glanced
  On MURDOCH bold, and his merry men.
  When hundreds of optics, and many a pen
  Were on the alert, at Sheffield Park,
  The valiant deeds (between wickets) to mark
  Of the Seventh Australian Cricketing lot.
  MURDOCH and LYONS, BARRETT and TROTT,
  Lads of their inches in flesh and bones;
  TURNER and WALTERS, BLACKHAM and JONES,
  GREGORY, CHARLTON and FERRIS too;
  A sterling Eleven, second to few.
  Whilst "odd men" TRUMBLE and BURN and BOYLE
  "Stood out" of the first big match's toil,
  'Gainst GRACE and STODDART, NEWHAM and READ,
  SHERWIN and SHREWSBURY, stout at need,
  LOHMANN and HUMPHREYS, and BRIGGS and PEEL,
  And ATTEWELL with the nerves of steel.
  No need to tell how they met and fought,
  And bowled, and batted, and stumped, and caught;
  But _Mr. Punch_, who has seen all six
  Of the other Elevens before the "sticks",
  And cheered them victors, or vanquished cheered,
  Shoots forth his fist, as the lists are cleared,
  To welcome back to an English wicket
  These champions fresh of Colonial Cricket.
  He will not "butter" you, boys, for _that_ you'll hate.
  Only he must most sincerely congratulate
  His old friend MURDOCH on starting so well.
  Go it, Sir, keep it up, W. L.!
  Here's wishing the lot of you health and pluck,
  Decent weather and level luck.
  And when your last "four" to the boundary flashes,
  Take all good things home with you--saving those "ashes."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.

"SUCCI DOESN'T SEEM ANY THE WORSE FOR HIS LONG ABSTINENCE, MARIA! DON'T
YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD THING TO BRING UP A FEW OF OUR YOUNGER
CHILDREN AS FASTING MEN AND WOMEN? WE MIGHT BEGIN TRAINING THEM ALREADY,
YOU KNOW!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

READ "As Haggards on the Rock" in _Scribner's_ for May. It is a weird
tale, but nothing whatever to do with "HAGGARD" ("RIDER" of that ilk),
which may or may not be an additional attraction, according to the taste
and fancy of the reader. "Never do I see _Scribner's Magazine_", quoth
the Baron, "without wishing to change its name, or start a competitor
under the style and title of '_Scribbler's Magazine_.' If the latter
isn't 'a colourable imitation,' it must be done, and that speedily."

_Woman_, though appearing weekly, comes out peculiarly strong. "A really
entertaining, interesting, and chatty publication", says the Baroness.

One of the best volumes of the Badminton Library series is that on Golf,
recently published, written chiefly by HORACE G. HUTCHINSON, with
capital contributions on the subject from the great ruler of
Home-Rulers, ARTHUR BALFOUR, M.P., and the ubiquitous and universally
gifted MERRY ANDREW LANG, to whom no subject, apparently, presents any
difficulty whatever, he being, like Father O'FLYNN, able to discourse on
Theology or Conchology, or Mythology, and all the other ologies,
including, in this instance, Golfology, with equal skill and profundity
of wisdom. _Nihil tetigit quod non ornavit_, and the scent of the LANG Y
LANG, is over all periodical literature generally. Let not the elderly
intending student of Golf, on opening the book, be deterred by seeing a
chapter headed "_Clubs and Balls_", which may induce him to say, "My
dancing days are over." The illustrations, by Messrs. C. L. SHUTE, T.
HODGE, and H. FIERY FURNISS, are excellent. The vignettes in A. LANG's
paper--especially one happily taken from an "Old Miss-all", where
several players are represented as not making a hit--are both
interesting and amusing. On the whole--on the Golfian Hole--a capital
volume. _Mr. Punch_ drinks to his Grace of BEAUFORT in a cup of
Badminton.

       *       *       *       *       *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, May 5._--Next year is my Jubilee--mine and
_Mr. Punch's_. Pup and dog, have known House of Commons for nigh fifty
years. Of course not so intimately as within the last eight or nine
years; but ever since I took my seat on piles of bound volumes at feet
of the MASTER, have kept one eye on Parliament.

Never saw a scene to equal what took place to-night. When House met,
good deal of talk about yesterday's Labour Demonstration. Everybody
agreed it was enormous, unprecedented, momentous. The Working Man
demands a day of eight hours' labour, and will see that he gets it.
Still talking about the matter in whispers. Second Heading of Budget
Bill under discussion; SHAW-LEFEVRE on legs, protesting against
increased expenditure on Army and Navy. Undertakes to show it is
absolutely unnecessary. Beginning his demonstration when hand of clock
touched hour of Six. SPEAKER rose with cry of "Order! Order!"
SHAW-LEFEVRE resumed seat; afraid he had, in exuberance of eloquence,
committed some breach of order. Members crowded in to hear what SPEAKER
had to say.

"This House," he said, as soon as silence restored, "will now adjourn.
At least I must withdraw; and unless it can be shown that Deputy-Speaker
has been in bed all day, or otherwise idling his time, you cannot go on.
Under ordinary circumstances, House meeting at Three o'clock, we should
have adjourned sharp at Eleven to-night; but the fact is, my day's work
began at Ten this morning. That is a necessity of my position. With
interval of hasty meals, I have been accustomed to work a maximum of
twelve hours a day, often running up to fourteen. That, however, now
over. Settled by Working Man that Labour Day should not exceed Eight
Hours. We will, therefore, now break up. I daresay some of you Hon.
Gentlemen, engaged at the Bar or in affairs in the City, commenced your
work even earlier than Ten?"

"Sir", said OLD MORALITY, "I do not know whether I am in order in
speaking after the clock has struck Six, and so extending our legal day.
I will, however, promise to be brief. In fact, I rise merely to confirm
your view, Sir, of our position. For my own part, I have been closely
engaged in the business that pertains to performance of my duty to the
QUEEN and Country, since an hour earlier than Ten this morning, and I
think I may say the same for my friends near me on this Bench.
[ASHMEAD-BARTLETT: "Hear, hear!"] We were, as usual, prepared to go
forward with our work, to sit here till whatever hour was necessary to
accomplish it. Without abating one jit or tottle--"

SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT: "The Right Hon. Gentleman probably means one jot
or tittle."

OLD MORALITY: "In accordance with my habit, Sir, I meant what I said. As
I was saying, when perhaps somewhat unnecessarily interrupted by the
Right Hon. Gentleman, I do not abate one tit or jottle of my desire to
perform my duty where duty is doo; but since our friend the Working Man
has declared in favour of a labouring day confined to Eight Hours, we
must needs follow him."

OLD MORALITY packed up his papers; JOKIM locked up red box containing
papers relating to Budget Scheme; HARCOURT rose to continue discussion;
discovered that SPEAKER had gone, and Serjeant-at-Arms removed Mace; so,
at few minutes past Six, got off with plenty of time to enjoy that
recreation, and cultivate those family relations, not less dear to a
Member of Parliament than to the more 'orny 'anded son of toil. Odd at
this early hour to hear cry of Doorkeeper, "Who goes home?"

[Illustration: Bolton bolting.]

"Well", says Member for St. Pancras, "I think _I'll_ be BOLTON." And he
bolted. _Business done._----New Eight Hours' Day arrangement came into
operation. Entirely successful.

_Tuesday._--RITCHIE a mild-mannered man, six feet high, and of genial
temperament. But there are some things he can't stand. One is, to assume
that Government Bill dealing with Local Taxation involves Compensation
for disestablished publicans.

"I must say", he observed, just now, glaring on CALEB WRIGHT, "that I
object to the word Compensation which the Hon. Gentleman has used in his
question."

What Government had done was to propose measure for the extinction of
licences. Of course, a little money would pass. JOKIM, in Budget Scheme,
made provision to enable County Council to buy out publicans. "But to
call such a transaction Compensation is", RITCHIE added, his left eye
twitching in fearsome manner on CALEB WRIGHT, "preposterous."

That being so, House went into Committee on Allotments Bill, and drummed
away till sitting suspended.

At Evening Sitting, BOB REID brought on Motion raising sort of British
Land Question. Wants to empower Town Councils and County Councils in
England and Scotland to acquire, either by agreement or compulsorily,
such land within their district as may be needed for the requirements of
the inhabitants. House naturally shocked to find a Member proposing to
discuss any phase of Land Question apart from Ireland. Interposition of
Great Britain in this connection regarded as impertinence. Compromise
arrived at; agreed to leave out Scotland. On these terms Debate went
forward.

[Illustration: The Emphatic Noes.]

CHAPLIN in charge of case for Government. At last, in his natural
position, temporary Leader of the House.

CHAPLIN (_aside_), "Glamis and Thane of Cawdor! the greatest is behind."

How different from ancient days and nights, when he sat below Gangway in
corner seat, that is, when he could get it. Couldn't always; sometimes
presumptuous person forestalled him. Even when there, with notes of
treasured speech in swelling breast pocket, by no means certain he would
find opportunity of convincing House. Others step in, and edge him on
into ignominious dinner hour. Now a Minister of the Crown, with a new
Department created for his control; to-night in charge of Government
business. OLD MORALITY off early, full of restful confidence.

"CHAPLIN'S looking after things", he said, as he made himself
comfortable in his room. "Needn't bother; all will go right. Great thing
for a First Minister to have a man he can thoroughly depend on."

"At least, TOBY", CHAPLIN said, "those were his remarks as reported to
me. I will not deny that they are gratifying."

At the proper time--at his own time--the Minister for Agriculture rose,
and, positively pervading the premises, utterly demolished BOB REID, his
supporters, his arguments, and his resolution.

"CHAPLIN", said JOHN MORLEY, watching him with admiring glance, "always
reminds me of VICTOR HUGO'S description of the _Rev. Ebenezer Caudray_.
You remember him in _Les Travailleurs de la Mer_? Haven't the book with
me, but translation runs something like this:--'He had the gracefulness
of a page, mingled with the dignity of a Bishop.' Never knew that VICTOR
HUGO was personally acquainted with CHAPLIN; but he certainly here hits
off his characteristics in a phrase."

_Business done._--Miscellaneous, and not much.

_Thursday._--"Where do you put the Cow?"

"Was ever man interrupted with such a question in such circumstances?"
asked JESSE COLLINGS, unconsciously quoting _Tristram Shandy's_ father.

Circumstances sufficiently strange to make a man quote STERNE, even if
he'd never read his masterpiece. House in Committee on Budget Bill.
STOREY moved Amendment on Clause 26, dealing with exemption from
Inhabited House Duty of tenement buildings. CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER
taken part in the Debate. CHARLES RUSSELL said a few words. House in
most serious, not to say depressed mood. Subject particularly inviting
for JESSE; always advocated welfare of Working Classes; now seized
opportunity to descant on theme. Detailed with growing warmth
arrangements desirable for perfecting sanitation of houses for Working
Classes; when TANNER, crossing arms and legs, and cocking head on one
side, with provoking appearance of keen interest, suddenly submitted
this problem:--

"Where do you put the Cow?"

Opposition laughed. Ministerialists cried, "Order!" Various courses open
to JESSE. Might have assumed air of interested inquiry. Cow? What Cow?
Why drag in the Cow? Might have slain TANNER with a stony stare, and
left him to drag his untimely quadruped off the ground. But JESSE took
the Cow seriously. Allowed it to get its horns entangled amid thread of
his argument.