



Produced by Al Haines.



[Illustration: Cover art]



                            EVER HEARD THIS?

                    OVER THREE HUNDRED GOOD STORIES



                                   BY

                             F. W. CHAMBERS



                             THIRD EDITION




                           METHUEN & CO. LTD.
                          36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
                                 LONDON




                First Published...... October 27th 1916
                  Second Edition...... November 1916
                   Third Edition...... December 1916



                                  ----




CONTENTS


    WHAT HE WANTED
    HIS CHOICE
    NOT IN THE REGULATIONS
    CHEAP TALK
    SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT
    A CANDID CRITIC
    WHAT'S IN A NAME
    WHY BROWN LEFT
    AN ASS'S SHADOW
    GRACE
    MISUNDERSTOOD
    TRUMPS
    THE STUTTERER
    PRESENT AND FUTURE
    THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE
    A PASSOVER STORY
    EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE
    BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER
    A GOOD PUN
    SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT
    THE UNWELCOME GUEST
    A LOST BALANCE
    A BAD CROP
    NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES
    JAW-ACHE
    HER PROGRAMME
    THE PROUD FATHER
    A MIRACLE
    KEEPING TIME
    QUESTION AND ANSWER
    MOTHER'S JAM POTS
    WISDOM
    WHY NOT?
    THE OLD FARMER
    ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
    TACT
    THE RETORT RUDE
    THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE
    CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP
    THE BEST JUDGE
    A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
    A SHIPWRECK
    A SAFE CASE
    THE WATCH MENDER
    THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS
    HIGH PRINCIPLES
    THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE
    CANNY SCOT
    A NICE DISTINCTION
    NOT TWO-FACED
    CLERICAL WIT
    A COSTLY EXPERIMENT
    A GOOD REASON
    ECONOMY IN THE STABLE
    THE PATRIARCH
    HIGH AND LOW
    BEER
    NOT IMPORTUNATE
    THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON
    UNION IS STRENGTH
    COURTSHIP
    TO LET
    CUT AND COME AGAIN
    THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT
    KISMET
    THE YOUNG IDEA
    THE NEW BABY
    HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES
    THE SHE BEAR
    KNOWLEDGE
    A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS
    THE EARLY BIRD
    TABLE TALK
    TROUBLES
    A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND
    DRY HUMOUR
    THE CHURCH ORGAN
    COMMON PRAYER
    SHORT COMMONS
    TRUTH
    A WRONG CHOICE
    FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD
    A CHARACTER
    HUSBAND OR COW
    A NEW METHOD
    GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED
    ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD
    COLD FEET
    BUSYBODIES
    ALDERMANIC TASTES
    "WARRANTED TO KILL"
    PROFESSIONAL
    THE NEW VERSION
    DRAUGHTS
    TENDERNESS
    HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP
    HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE
    A GOOD EXAMPLE
    A MISFIT
    A CHEERFUL INVITATION
    THE INEVITABLE RESULT
    JUSTICE
    THAT AWFUL CHILD
    A COSMOPOLITAN
    CLOTHES AND THE MAN
    A WITTY REPLY
    THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET
    GRAMMAR
    ONE SIDE AT A TIME
    COMPANY
    HER OWN FAULT
    A POSER
    YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY
    ABOVE PROOF
    ON DEATH
    ENVY
    A HAT FOR NOTHING
    AN OLD PROVERB
    PRO BONO PUBLICO
    A NEW RECIPE
    NOT A WAXWORK
    THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU
    TIPS
    JUSTICE
    DEAD AS A DOORNAIL
    FAITH
    JOB'S CURSE
    A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION
    THE RULING PASSION
    FELO-DE-SE
    HOW TO GET WARM
    NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR
    OF COMPOSITIONS
    PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER
    THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF
    ANTICIPATION
    HYMNS AND HERS
    HORS CONCOURS
    THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE
    A UNITED COUPLE
    WET PAINT
    TICK, TICK, TICK
    DIFFIDENCE
    THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED
    IMAGINATION
    UNREMITTING KINDNESS
    A WARM PROSPECT
    A SOPORIFIC STORY
    ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS
    THE LOST JOINT
    THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN
    ALL MEN ARE LIARS
    AN OBJECT LESSON
    A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT
    "SOMEWHERE"
    THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE
    WAR AND TAXES
    A MODERN ALFRED
    CHARITY ON CREDIT
    COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT
    THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER
    THE EMPTY BOTTLE
    H2O
    AN ACCIDENT
    TOUCH HIM UP
    A SMART BOY
    WEARING ROUGE
    THE POOR LANDLORD
    THE DAY OF REST
    NOT TO BE CAUGHT
    MOLECULES
    A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN
    TWINS
    A NATURAL OBJECTION
    BADLY PUT
    A DOUBTFUL MARKET
    SEQUENCES
    TWO POINTS OF VIEW
    A CANNIBAL
    TO LET--UNFURNISHED
    A FRIEND OF SATAN
    THE TEDDY BEAR
    BROTHERLY LOVE
    CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES
    MULTIPLICATION
    A BIBLICAL STORY
    THE THOUGHTFUL MAID
    HEMP
    GOOD ADVICE
    CHANGE AND REST
    THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM
    THE WAY TO YORK
    THE WAY TO DO IT
    LOT AND THE FLEA
    WHIST
    A NEW PRESCRIPTION
    JACOB'S LADDER
    A PORTRAIT
    BLOATERS
    A CONVENIENCE
    THE PRAYER MEETING
    TAKING TIME
    KING'S EVIDENCE
    A PLEASANT PROSPECT
    BALAAM'S SWORD
    THE HONORARIUM
    MANNERS
    SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING
    THE AVERAGE EGG
    FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
    THE G.O.M.
    A NEAT RETORT
    A SYDNEY SMITH STORY
    A COMMON DIFFICULTY
    MARY JONES
    DONALD COMPLIED
    VEGETARIANISM
    FELLOW-FEELING
    JONAH AND THE WHALE
    WHOLLY GOOD
    "CAREFUL, NOW!"
    SAFETY
    O'BRIEN THE LUCID
    MERCY
    A BULL
    A GOOD REASON
    THE ARREST
    CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM
    SOLITUDE
    A QUESTION OF NUMBERS
    AMERICAN POULTRY
    GRACE MAL A PROPOS
    THE POOR IDIOT
    A WELSH WIG-GING
    FORGIVENESS
    AN ODD COMPARISON
    ACOUSTICS
    SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT
    BRIGHT AND SHARP
    SOFTNESS
    AN EASY QUALIFICATION
    MISER'S CHARITY
    ON TAKING A WIFE
    THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES
    THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS
    HOW TO WIN
    PIGS
    BACON AND THE DEVIL
    HINTS TO MOTHERS
    GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE
    A SAFE SHOT
    HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION
    DIFFERENCES
    COALS
    MODESTY
    AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK
    MODERN EDUCATION
    THE RULING PASSION
    EDUCATION
    A LONG GRACE
    THE USE OF FALSE TEETH
    HOW TO COLLECT
    IMPERSONATION
    A SMART RETORT
    TRUTH WILL OUT
    SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES
    A NEW DISH
    FULL OF PLUCK
    CANDID ON BOTH SIDES
    THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS
    THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN
    A CUNNING ELDER
    AS YOU LIKE IT
    UNNECESSARY CIVILITY
    AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE
    AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE
    TABLE OF COMPARISON
    THE INTELLIGENT CAT
    HEAR!  HEAR!
    MISPLACING THE BLAME
    WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH
    MORAL QUALIFICATIONS
    MEASURING HIS DISTANCE
    AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES
    THE LATIN FOR COLD
    THE CUT DIRECT
    COMMON WANT
    NOT TO BE BEATEN
    AN ODD NOTION
    "IF----"
    LATE AND EARLY
    A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE
    SHARP BOY
    THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH
    CREDIT
    UNKIND
    NOT COMPULSORY
    "YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"
    AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT
    A DIFFICULT TASK
    NON-RUNNERS
    THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN
    A VIOLENT PARTNER
    WISDOM
    A DOUBTFUL POINT
    THE BETTER WAY
    A GOOD REASON
    A NEW TEXT
    AN AUCTION
    A REAL SPORT
    THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR

                                  ----

                            EVER HEARD THIS?





WHAT HE WANTED


A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane, but to their disgust a
small boy arrived there too.  Said the lover:

"Here's a penny.  Go and get some sweets."

"I don't want any sweets."

"Well, here's a shilling.  Run away."

"I don't want a shilling."

"Then here's half a crown."

"I don't want half a crown."

"Well, what do you want?"

"I want to watch."




HIS CHOICE


A little boy, who had had some insight into the disposal of surplus
kittens, on being shown his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his
finger on that which struck his fancy, and said, "That's the one I'll
have kept."




NOT IN THE REGULATIONS


A raw Highlander from a northern depot was put on guard at the C.O.'s
tent.  In the morning the Colonel looked out, and though he prided
himself on knowing all his men the sentry's face was unfamiliar.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"A'am fine, thank ye," was the reply, "an' hoo's yerself?"




CHEAP TALK


Jones was proud of his virtues.  "Gentlemen, for twenty years I haven't
touched whisky, cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or smoked, or
sworn," he said.

"By Jove!  I wish I could say that," Brown exclaimed enviously.

"Well, why don't you?" said a mutual friend.  "Jones did."




SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT


A Scot and a minister were in a train together travelling through a
lovely part of Scotland.

Beautiful scenery--mountains, dales, rivers, and all the glories of
Nature.  When passing a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement for
So-and-So's whisky.

The Scot gave a snort of disgust.  The minister leant forward and said,
"I'm glad to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they should not be
allowed to desecrate the beauties of Nature by advertisement."

"It's no' that, sir," said the Scot bitterly, "it's rotten whusky."




A CANDID CRITIC


Bishop Blomfield, having forgotten his written sermon, once preached _ex
tempore_, for the first and only time in his life, choosing as his text
"The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God."  On his way home he
asked one of his congregation how he liked the discourse.  "Well, Mr.
Blomfield," replied the man, "I liked the sermon well enough, but I
can't say I agree with you; I think there be a God!"




WHAT'S IN A NAME


A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead the
cause of an offender, began by saying: "I know the prisoner at the bar,
and he bears the character of being a most consummate and impudent
scoundrel."  Here somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was his
client, when he immediately continued: "But what great and good man ever
lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries?"




WHY BROWN LEFT


Mr. Brown expressed to his landlady his pleasure in seeing her place a
plate of scraps before the cat.  "Oh, yes, sir," she replied. "Wot I
says, Mr. Brown, is, be kind to the cats, and yer'll find it saves yer
'arf the washin'-up."




AN ASS'S SHADOW


A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very
long face, that he had seen a ghost.  "When and where?" said the pastor.
"Last night," replied the timid man, "I was passing by the church, and
up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre."  "In what shape
did it appear?" replied the priest.  "It appeared in the shape of a
great ass."  "Go home and say not a word about it," rejoined the pastor;
"you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow."




GRACE


A precocious child found the long graces used by his father before and
after meals very tedious.  One day, when the week's provisions had been
delivered, he said, "I think, father, if you were to say grace over the
whole lot at once, it would be a great saving of time."




MISUNDERSTOOD


A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster was thus accosted by his
landlord: "John, I am going to raise your rent."  John replied, "Sir, I
am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself."




TRUMPS


Ayrton, Charles Lamb's friend, only made one joke in his life; it was
this.  Lamb had his usual Wednesday-evening gathering, and Martin Burney
and the rest were playing at whist.  Ayrton contented himself with
looking on.  Presently he said to Burney, in an undertone, the latter
not being notorious for his love of soap and water, "Ah!  Martin, if
dirt were trumps, what hands you'd hold!"




THE STUTTERER


An old woman received a letter from the post-office at New York.  Not
knowing how to read and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it
to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read
it to her. He accordingly began and read: "Charleston, June 23rd.  Dear
Mother"--then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing
was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry, he
always stuttered!"




PRESENT AND FUTURE


A rude young fellow seeing an aged hermit going by him barefoot said,
"Father, you are in a miserable condition if there is not another
world."  "True, son," said the hermit, "but what is thy condition if
there is?"




THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE


A London girl visited the country on May Day.  She came to a pond whose
shallows were full of tadpoles--thousands and thousands of little black
tadpoles flopping about in an inch of mud and water.  "Oh," she said,
"look at the tadpoles!  And to think that some day every one of the
horrid, wriggling things will be a beautiful butterfly!"




A PASSOVER STORY


A member of an impecunious family having hurried off to the Continent to
avoid the importunities of his creditors, a celebrated wit remarked, "It
is a pass-over that will not be much relished by the Jews."




EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE


At Durham assizes a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages
against a neighbour, was being examined, when the judge suggested a
compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle
the matter.  "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's car.
"I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's
no illconwenience to him, I'll take a little warm ale!"




BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER


"Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you
tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?"  The lawyer, pronouncing the
piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll
send your lad to my office, I'll return the three and fourpence."




A GOOD PUN


Sir G. Rose, the great punster, on observing someone imitating his gait,
said, "You have the stalk without the rose."




SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT


The late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who
stuttered very much in delivering his testimony.  "I believe," said his
Lordship, "you are a very great rogue." "Not so great a rogue as you, my
lord, t-t-t-takes me to be."




THE UNWELCOME GUEST


A man who was fond of visiting his friends and outstaying his welcome
had been cordially received by a Quaker who treated him with attention
and politeness for some days.  At last his host said, "My friend, I am
afraid thee wilt never visit me again."  "Oh, yes, I shall," he replied.
"I have enjoyed my visit very much; I will certainly come again."
"Nay," said the Quaker, "I think thee wilt not visit me again."  "What
makes you think I shall not come again?" asked the visitor.  "If thee
does never leave," said the Quaker, "how canst thee come again?"




A LOST BALANCE


A celebrated wit coming from a bank which had been obliged to close its
doors, slipped down the steps into the arms of a friend.

"Why, what's the matter?" said the latter.

"Oh," was the quick reply, "I've only lost my balance."




A BAD CROP


After a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain: and a country
gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful
rain; I hope it will bring up everything out of the ground."  "By Jove,
sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have buried three wives."




NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES


Mr. Pitt was discoursing at a Cabinet dinner on the energy and beauty of
the Latin language. In support of the superiority which he affirmed it
to have over the English, he asserted that two negatives made a thing
more positive than one affirmative possibly could.  "Then," said
Thurlow, "your father and mother must have been two complete negatives
to make such a positive fellow as you are!"




JAW-ACHE


"Why, you have never opened your mouth this session," said Sir Thomas
Lethbridge to Mr. Gye; replied Mr. Gye, "Your speeches have made me open
it very frequently.  My jaws have ached with yawning."




HER PROGRAMME


Jane had asked for an evening off to go to her first dance.  Returning
at a very early hour, she was asked by her master whether she had
enjoyed herself.  "No, indeed, sir," she replied, "I was most insulted."
"How was that, Jane?"  "I 'adn't been there very long, sir, when a young
man comes up and hactually hasks whether my programme was full.  And I'd
only 'ad two sandwiches."




THE PROUD FATHER


"Shure an' it's married Oi am!" said Pat to an old friend he had not
seen for a long time.  "You don't mane it?"  "Faith, an' it's true.  An'
Oi've got a fine healthy bhoy, an' the neighbours say he's the very
picture of me."  "Och, niver moind what they say," said Mick.  "What's
the harm so long as the child is healthy."




A MIRACLE


An Irish parson of the old school, in whom a perception of the
ridiculous was developed with a Rabelaisian breadth of appreciation, was
asked by a clodhopper to explain the meaning of a miracle.  "Walk on a
few paces before me," said his reverence, which having done the peasant
was surprised to feel in the rear a kick, administered with decided
energy. "What did you do that for?" demanded the young man angrily.
"Simply to illustrate my meaning," replied the cleric blandly; "if you
had not felt it, it would have been a miracle."




KEEPING TIME


A gentleman at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, how he
should stir the fire without interrupting the music. "Between the bars,"
replied the friend.




QUESTION AND ANSWER


A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain
duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by
his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked
him--"Pray, sir, do you know what we sit here for?"--"Yea," replied
Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen
hundred and fifty pounds a year."




MOTHER'S JAM POTS


"Willy, why were you not at school yesterday?" asked the teacher.

"Please, mum," answered the absentee, "Muvver made marmalade yesterday
and she sent me to the cemetery."

"What on earth for?"

"To collect some jam pots, mum."




WISDOM


A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church,
although an old fellow above sixty, reproved him on that account, and
asked if he ever read at home? "No," replied the man, "I can't read."
"I dare say," said the clergyman, "you don't know who made you."  "Not
I, in troth," said the countryman.  A little boy coming by at the time,
"Who made you, child?" said the parson.  "God, sir," answered the boy.
"Why, look you there," quoth the honest parson.  "Are you not ashamed to
hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you,
that are so old a man, cannot?" "Ah!" said the countryman.  "It is no
wonder that he should remember; he was made but t'other day, it is a
great while, master, sin' I was made."




WHY NOT?


Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swam across
the Tiber three times before breakfast.

"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?"

"No, sir," answered Jimmy, "but I wonder why he did not make it four and
get back to the side where his clothes were."




THE OLD FARMER


An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that the doctor gave no hope of
recovery.

Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious state, he suddenly opened
his eyes, and said to his wife, who was watching by his bedside: "Mary,
that's a nice smell, it's just like a ham cooking.  I almost think I
could eat a little, if it is cooked."

The reply was, "Thee get on with the dying, that ham is for the
funeral."




ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER


In the course of the play one of the characters had to say to a very
plain actor, "My lord, you change countenance"; whereupon a young fellow
in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, let him!"




TACT


Little Jimmy had been sent early to bed, but he could not sleep.
Presently he called out to his mother in plaintive tones, "Mummy, bring
me a glass of water, I'm so thirsty."  No reply being vouchsafed him, he
repeated his request after a short interval.  And this time received an
abrupt answer, "If you don't be quiet I'll come up to slap you."
Suddenly a thought struck him and still in plaintive voice he cried,
"Mummy, when you come to slap me, bring me a glass of water."




THE RETORT RUDE


A young dude (with a monocle) and very irregular features while
travelling by train was at first much amused by the grimaces of a boy
who was sitting facing him.  The boy, however, was obviously laughing at
him so the dude asked him if he could share the joke.

"Joke!" said the boy, "it's your face I'm laughing at."

"Well, I can't help my face, can I?"

"No," replied the boy, leaving the train, "but you _could_ stay at
home."




THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE


A man once went to purchase a horse of a Quaker.  "Will he draw well?"
asked the buyer.  "Thee wilt be pleased to see him draw."  The bargain
was concluded, and the farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir a
step.  He returned and said, "That horse will not draw an inch."  "I did
not tell thee that it would draw, friend, I only remarked that it would
please thee to see him draw, so it would me, but he would never gratify
me in that respect."




CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP


A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
and to the other severe.  One morning it happened that these two boys
were late, and were called up to account for it.  "You must have heard
the bell, boys; why did you not come?" "Please, sir," said the
favourite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought
the school-bell was the steamboat-bell."  "Very well," said the master,
glad of any pretext to excuse his favourite.  "And now, sir," turning to
the other, "what have you to say?"  "Please, sir," said the puzzled boy,
"I--I--was waiting to see Tom off!"




THE BEST JUDGE


A lady said to her husband, in a friend's presence:

"My dear, you certainly want a pair of new trousers."  "No, I think
not," replied the husband.

"Well," interposed the friend, "I think the lady who always wears them,
ought to know."




A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE


"Young man," said an inquisitive old lady, to a tram conductor, "if I
put my foot on that rail shall I receive an electric shock?"

"No, mum," he replied, "unless you place your other foot on the overhead
wire."




A SHIPWRECK


An Irish fisherman passed himself off to the captain of a ship near the
coast of Ireland as a qualified pilot.  He knew nothing of the coast.
"This is a very dangerous shore here," said the captain to him, when he
was on board.  "Yes, it is, your honour," replied the fellow.  "There
are a great many dangerous rocks about here, I believe," observed the
captain.  "Yes, there are, and," a dreadful crash coming, "_this is one
of them,_" coolly returned the fisherman.




A SAFE CASE


A briefless barrister was spending his time at the Courts when his clerk
came to him with the news that a man was at his chambers with a brief.
The barrister immediately hurried from the Courts for fear the client
should escape him.  "Stop, sir, stop," cried his clerk.  "You needn't
hurry, sir, I've locked him in."




THE WATCH MENDER


A private in a company of engineers gained a certain reputation for
mending his comrades' watches.  His reputation reached his captain's
ears, who one day said to him, "Jones, I hear you are clever at
watch-mending, here take this one of mine and see what you can make of
it."  Some few days after, Jones took back the watch.  "Well, Jones, how
much do I owe you?"  "Three shillings," was the reply.  "Well, here you
are, and thank you," said the captain.  "Oh!  I forgot," said Jones,
"here are three wheels which I had over."




THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS


"Do people ever take advantage of the invitation to use this church for
meditation and prayer?" a City verger was once asked. "Yes," he replied,
"I catched two of 'em at it the other day!"




HIGH PRINCIPLES


A Methodist who kept a grocer's shop was heard one day to say to his
assistant, "John, have you watered the rum?"  "Yes."  "Have you sanded
the brown sugar?"  "Yes." "Have you damped the tobacco?"  "Yes."  "Then
come in to prayers."




THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE


A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for
several days, desired to have the bill.  Finding a large quantity of
port placed to his servant's account he questioned him about it.
"Please your honour," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge for."
"One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto, one ditto."  "Stop, stop, stop,
master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating you.  I know I had some
bottles of port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto."




CANNY SCOT


Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine tobacco sent by his son in
America.  He took out his own pipe ostentatiously.  "Hae ye a match,
Sandy?" he queried.  The match was forthcoming, but nothing more.  "I do
believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco at hame."  "Then," said
Sandy, after a silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match."




A NICE DISTINCTION


_The Vicar_ (discussing the Daylight Saving Bill): "But why have you put
the small clock on and not the big one?"  _Old Man_: "Well, it's like
this, sir; grandfeyther's clock 'ave been tellin' th' truth for ninety
year, and I can't find it i' my heart to make a _liar_ o' he now; but
li'le clock, 'e be a German make, so it be all right for 'e."




NOT TWO-FACED


"Well, you're not two-faced anyway," said one man who had been
quarrelling with another: "I'll say that for you."

"That's a very handsome acknowledgment," said the other, mollified.

"Because if you were," the first one continued, "you wouldn't be seen
with that one."




CLERICAL WIT


An old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel
of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him--"The font is at the other
end of the church."  "What do I want with the font?" said the old
gentleman.  "Oh!  I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought
you had brought this child to be christened."




A COSTLY EXPERIMENT


An Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with
marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened
a villain?  "Please, your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to
get a good one."




A GOOD REASON


A certain minister going to visit one of his sick