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BEHIND THE BEYOND

by

STEPHEN LEACOCK


       *       *       *       *       *


BY THE SAME AUTHOR

        NONSENSE NOVELS
          12mo. Cloth. Net, $1.00

        LITERARY LAPSES
          12mo. Cloth. Net, $1.25

        SUNSHINE SKETCHES
          12mo. Cloth. Net, $1.25

        JOHN LANE COMPANY
        PUBLISHERS    NEW YORK


       *       *       *       *       *


[Illustration: THE PROLOGUE]




BEHIND THE ::: BEYOND :::

And Other Contributions to Human Knowledge

by

STEPHEN LEACOCK

Author of "Nonsense Novels," "Literary
::: Lapses," "Sunshine Sketches," Etc. :::

Illustrated by A. H. Fish







[Illustration]


New York: John Lane Company
London: John Lane, The Bodley Head
Toronto: Bell & Cockburn. Mcmxiii

Copyright, 1913, by
The Crowell Publishing Company

Copyright, 1913, by
The Century Company

Copyright, 1913, by
John Lane Company




CONTENTS


        BEHIND THE BEYOND                              11

        FAMILIAR INCIDENTS

            I. WITH THE PHOTOGRAPHER                   53

           II. THE DENTIST AND THE GAS                 61

          III. MY LOST OPPORTUNITIES                   69

           IV. MY UNKNOWN FRIEND                       74

            V. UNDER THE BARBER'S KNIFE                84

        PARISIAN PASTIMES

            I. THE ADVANTAGES OF A POLITE EDUCATION    93

           II. THE JOYS OF PHILANTHROPY               104

          III. THE SIMPLE LIFE IN PARIS               117

           IV. A VISIT TO VERSAILLES                  129

            V. PARIS AT NIGHT                         143

        THE RETROACTIVE EXISTENCE OF MR. JUGGINS      159

        MAKING A MAGAZINE                             169

        HOMER AND HUMBUG                              185




ILLUSTRATIONS

        THE PROLOGUE                                  _Frontispiece_

                                                         TO FACE PAGE

  THE CURTAIN RISES                                               12

  THEIR EXPRESSION IS STAMPED WITH DEEP THOUGHT                   28

  HE KISSES HER ON THE BARE SHOULDER                              30

  HE TAKES HER IN HIS ARMS                                        50

  "IS IT ME?"                                                     58

  I DID GO--I KEPT THE APPOINTMENT                                66

  HE SHOWED ME A CHURCH THAT I COULD HAVE BOUGHT FOR A
     HUNDRED THOUSAND                                             72

  I SHALL NOT TRY TO BE QUITE SO EXTRAORDINARILY CLEVER           84

  WHEN HE REACHED MY FACE HE LOOKED SEARCHINGLY AT IT             88

  THE TAILOR SHRUGGED HIS SHOULDERS                               98

  SOMETHING IN THE QUIET DIGNITY OF THE YOUNG MAN HELD ME        114

  THE PARISIAN DOG                                               120

  PERSONALLY I PLEAD GUILTY TO SOMETHING OF THE SAME  SPIRIT     142

  THE LADY'S FACE IS AGLOW WITH MORAL ENTHUSIASM                 146

  MEANWHILE HE HAD BECOME A QUAINT-LOOKING ELDERLY MAN           166

  WITH ALL THE LOW CUNNING OF AN AUTHOR STAMPED ON HIS FEATURES  174




_BEHIND THE BEYOND_

_A Modern Problem Play_




_Act I.--Behind the Beyond_


THE curtain rises, disclosing the ushers of the theater still moving up
and down the aisles. Cries of "Program!" "Program!" are heard. There is
a buzz of brilliant conversation, illuminated with flashes of opera
glasses and the rattle of expensive jewelry.

Then suddenly, almost unexpectedly, in fact just as if done, so to
speak, by machinery, the lights all over the theater, except on the
stage, are extinguished. Absolute silence falls. Here and there is heard
the crackle of a shirt front. But there is no other sound.

In this expectant hush, a man in a check tweed suit walks on the stage:
only one man, one single man. Because if he had been accompanied by a
chorus, that would have been a burlesque; if four citizens in togas had
been with him, that would have been Shakespeare; if two Russian
soldiers had walked after him, that would have been melodrama. But this
is none of these. This is a problem play. So he steps in alone, all
alone, and with that absolute finish of step, that ability to walk as
if,--how can one express it?--as if he were walking, that betrays the
finished actor.

He has, in fact, barely had time to lay down his silk hat, when he is
completely betrayed. You can see that he is a finished actor--finished
about fifteen years ago. He lays the hat, hollow side up, on the silk
hat table on the stage right center--bearing north, northeast, half a
point west from the red mica fire on the stage which warms the theater.

All this is done very, very quietly, very impressively. No one in the
theater has ever seen a man lay a silk hat on a table before, and so
there is a breathless hush. Then he takes off his gloves, one by one,
_not_ two or three at a time, and lays them in his hat. The expectancy
is almost painful. If he had thrown his gloves into the mica fire it
would have been a relief. But he doesn't.

[Illustration: The Curtain rises.]

The man on the stage picks up a pile