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  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

  VOL. 147.

  July 22, 1914.





  CHARIVARIA.


Those who deny that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is ruining land-owners will perhaps
be impressed by the following advertisement in _The Bazaar, Exchange and
Mart_:--

     "To be sold, small holding, well stocked with fruit trees, good
     double tenement house on good road and close to station, good outer
     buildings. Price, Four Marks, Alton, Hunts."

The fact that the price should be translated into German looks
unpleasantly like an attempt to entrap an ignorant foreigner.

       * * *

Meanwhile it looks as if the Socialist ideal of driving our landed
gentry into the workhouse is already being realised. The Abergavenny
Board of Guardians, we read, has decided to accept an offer by Lord
ABERGAVENNY to purchase the local workhouse for L3,000.

       * * *

Three of the new peers have now chosen their titles. Sir EDGAR VINCENT
becomes Baron d'ABERNON; Major-General BROCKLEHURST, Baron RANKSBOROUGH,
and Sir EDWARD LYELL, Baron LYELL. Rather lazy of Sir EDWARD.

       * * *

A lioness which escaped from a circus at Bourg-en-Brasse, France, the
other day, was killed, and a gendarme in the hunting party was shot in
the leg. As the lioness was not armed it is thought that the gendarme
must have been shot by one of the party.

       * * *

It is frequently said that, if the Suffragettes were to drop their
militant tactics, the suffrage would be granted to-morrow. A Suffragette
now writes to stigmatise this as a hypocritical mis-statement. She
points out that recently the experiment was tried of allowing an entire
day to pass without an outrage, but not a single vote was granted.

       * * *

Dr. HANS FRIEDENTHAL, a well-known Professor of Berlin University,
declares that, as a result of the higher education, women will in the
near future be totally bald, and will wear patriarchal beards and long
moustaches. They will then, no doubt, get the vote by threatening that,
unless their wishes are granted, they will kiss every man they meet at
sight.

       * * *

Portsmouth Town Council has carried, by eleven votes to nine, a Labour
amendment refusing to place official guide-books to Pretoria in the
public library unless the nine deportees are allowed to return to South
Africa. General BOTHA could hardly have foreseen this result of his
action, and it will be interesting to see what happens now.

       * * *

    "POISON AFTER A DUCK'S EGG."

    _Evening News._

Our cricketers would seem to be getting absurdly sensitive. This is
scarcely the way to brighten the game.

       * * *

The Guildhall Art Gallery is to be rebuilt. Some of the pictures there
might be at the same time re-painted with advantage.

       * * *

Apparently the Moody of the Moody-Manners Opera Company is gaining the
upper hand. This Company opened its London season with _The Dance of
Death_.

       * * *

The appearance in Bond Street last week of a lady leading a little pig
instead of a dog as a pet is being widely discussed in canine circles,
though it has not yet been decided what action, if any, shall be taken.
In view of the fact that so many dogs are pigs it is possible that no
objection will be raised to one pig being a dog.

       * * *

By the way, _The Daily Chronicle_ was not quite correct when, in
describing the recent "Dog Feast," in which the Shepherds Bush Indians
were alleged to have participated, it used the expression "pow-wow."
Owing to the action of the Canine Defence League a sheep was roasted and
not a pow-wow.

       * * *

A motor-bus ran into a barber's shop in Gray's Inn Road last week, and
three customers had a close shave.

       * * *

Some burglars recently blew open with gelignite the safe of a Holborn
jeweller containing L1,000 worth of gems, and, as the jewels are
missing, the police incline to the view that the object of the men must
have been robbery.

       * * *

Asked by _The Express_ for a suggestion for a motto for the L.C.C., Mr.
H. DE VERE STACPOOLE sent the reply, "My word is sovereign." It is good
to know that this delightful writer can command an even higher rate of
pay than did Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING at the height of his popularity.

       * * *

_The Daily Herald_ informs us that the Russian monk, RASPUTIN, "started
life as an illiterate peasant." But, we would ask, is there really
anything remarkable in this? We believe that the number of persons who
have been born literate is extremely small.

       * * *

Says an advertisement in _T.P.'s Weekly_:--"Reader receives
guests--Leigh-on-Sea, facing sea, minute cliffs." It is honourable of
the advertiser to mention the minuteness of the cliffs. This is, we
fear, a characteristic of the Essex coast.

       * * *

Among "Businesses for Sale" in _The Daily Chronicle_, we come across
what looks like an ugly example of military venality:--"GENERAL for
Sale, taking L16 a week; going cheap."

       * * *

Finally, we have the pleasure to award first honorary prize in our
Pathetic Advertisement Competition to the following--also from _The
Daily Chronicle_:--

     "Fish (Fried) and Chips for Sale, owing to wife's illness: only one
     in neighbourhood."

We trust that the advertiser's addiction to monogamy is not confined to
the neighbourhood.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: WE UNDERSTAND THAT, IN VIEW OF THE POPULAR REVIVAL OF
BOXING, DR. STRAUSS HAS BEEN COMMISSIONED TO WRITE A GRAND OPERA ROUND
THE NOBLE ART. THE ABOVE REPRESENTS THE FINALE.

       *       *       *       *       *

OXFORD IN TRANSITION.

INTERVIEW WITH A FAMOUS PORTER.

(_BY HAROLD BEGTHWAYT._)


Hearing from an undergraduate friend at Cardinal College of the
impending retirement of Mr. Chumbleton ("Old Chum"), the famous porter
of Salisbury Gate, I gladly seized the opportunity of running down to
Oxford to gain some fresh sidelights on the inner life of the
University. Cardinal College, unlike Balliol, Magdalen and New College,
has never shown itself responsive to the new spirit. There are probably
fewer Socialists in Peckover than in any other quad in Oxford. The old
feudal traditions, though somewhat mitigated, still survive. You still
hear the characteristic