



Produced by Chuck Greif, Patricia Ann Doyle Saumell and
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THE

BOOK OF ANECDOTES,

AND

BUDGET OF FUN;

CONTAINING

A COLLECTION OF OVER

ONE THOUSAND

OF THE MOST LAUGHABLE SAYINGS AND JOKES OF CELEBRATED WITS AND
HUMORISTS.

PHILADELPHIA:
GEO. G. EVANS, PUBLISHER,
NO. 439 CHESTNUT STREET.
1860.


Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by
G. G. EVANS
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of
Pennsylvania.




PREFACE.


NOTHING is so well calculated to preserve the healthful action of the
human system as a good, hearty laugh. It is with this indisputable and
important sanitary fact in view, that this collection of anecdotes has
been made. The principle in selecting each of them, has been, not to
inquire if it were odd, rare, curious, or remarkable; but if it were
really funny. Will the anecdote raise a laugh? That was the test
question. If the answer was "Yes," then it was accepted. If "No," then
it was rejected.

Anything offensive to good taste, good manners, or good morals, was, of
course, out of the question.




BOOK OF ANECDOTES,

AND

BUDGET OF FUN




LORD MANSFIELD AND HIS COACHMAN.


THE following is an anecdote of the late Lord Mansfield, which his
lordship himself told from the bench:--He had turned off his coachman
for certain acts of peculation, not uncommon in this class of persons.
The fellow begged his lordship to give him a character. "What kind of
character can I give you?" says his lordship. "Oh, my lord, any
character your lordship pleases to give me, I shall most thankfully
receive." His lordship accordingly sat down and wrote as follows:--"The
bearer, John ----, has served me three years in the capacity of
coachman. He is an able driver, and a very sober man, I discharged him
because he cheated me."--(Signed) "MANSFIELD." John thanked his
lordship, and went off. A few mornings afterwards, when his lordship was
going through his lobby to step into his coach for Westminster Hall, a
man, in a very handsome livery, made him a low bow. To his surprise he
recognized his late coachman. "Why, John," says his lordship, "you seem
to have got an excellent place; how could you manage this with the
character I gave you?" "Oh! my lord," says John, "it was an exceeding
good character, and I am come to return you thanks for it; my new
master, on reading it, said, he observed your lordship recommended me as
an able driver and a sober man. 'These,' says he, 'are just the
qualities I want in a coachman; I observe his lordship adds he
discharged you because you cheated him. Hark you, sirrah,' says he, 'I'm
a Yorkshireman, and I'll defy you to cheat _me_.'"




A DISCLAIMER.


GENERAL ZAREMBA had a very long Polish name. The king having heard of
it, one day asked him good humouredly, "Pray, Zaremba, what is your
name?" The general repeated to him immediately the whole of his long
name. "Why," said the king, "the devil himself never had such a name."
"I should presume not, Sire," replied the general, "as he was _no
relation of mine_."




A CONSIDERATE DARKIE.


"CAESAR," said a planter to his <DW64>, "climb up that tree and thin the
branches." The <DW64> showed no disposition to comply, and being pressed
for a reason, answered: "Well, look heah, massa, if I go up dar and fall
down an' broke my neck, dat'll be a thousand dollars out of your pocket.
Now, why don't you hire an Irishman to go up, and den if _he_ falls and
kills himself, dar won't be no loss to nobody?"




OCULAR DEMONSTRATION.


MR. NEWMAN is a famous New England singing-master; _i. e._, a teacher of
vocal music in the rural districts. Stopping over night at the house of
a simple minded old lady, whose grandson and pet, Enoch, was a pupil of
Mr. Newman, he was asked by the lady how Enoch was getting on. He gave a
rather poor account of the boy, and asked his grandmother if she thought
Enoch had any ear for music.

"Wa'al," said the old woman, "I raaly don't know; won't you just take
the candle and see?"




A SUFFICIENT REASON.


THERE was once a clergyman in New Hampshire, noted for his long sermons
and indolent habits. "How is it," said a man to his neighbour, "Parson
----, the laziest man living, writes these interminable sermons?" "Why,"
said the other, "he probably gets to writing and he is too lazy to
stop."




INCONSIDERATE CLEANLINESS.


"BRING in the oysters I told you to open," said the head of a household
growing impatient. "There they are," replied the Irish cook proudly. "It
took me a long time to clean them; but I've done it, and thrown all the
nasty insides into the strate."




YANKEE THRIFT.


QUOTH Patrick of the Yankee: "Bedad, if he was cast away on a dissolute
island, he'd get up the next mornin' an' go around sellin' maps to the
inhabitants."




SAFE MAN.


A POOR son of the Emerald Isle applied for employment to an avaricious
hunks, who told him he employed no Irishmen; "for," said he, "the last
one died on my hands, and I was forced to bury him at my own expense."

"Ah! your honour," said Pat, brightening up, "and is that all? Then
you'll give me the place, for sure I can get a certificate that I niver
died in the employ of any master I iver sarved."




A PAIR OF HUSBANDS.


A COUNTRY editor perpetrates the following upon the marriage of a Mr.
Husband to the lady of his choice:

"This case is the strongest we have known in our life; The husband's a
husband, and so is the wife."




ART CRITICISM.


AT a recent exhibition of paintings, a lady and her son were regarding
with much interest, a picture which the catalogue designated as "Luther
at the Diet of Worms." Having descanted at some length upon its merits,
the boy remarked, "Mother, I see Luther and the table, but where are the
worms?"




CUTTING A SWELL.


"A STURDY-LOOKING man in Cleveland, a short time since, while busily
engaged in cow-hiding a dandy, who had insulted his daughter, being
asked what he was doing, replied: "_Cutting a swell_;" and continued his
amusement without further interruption.




TALLEYRAND.


TO a lady who had lost her husband, Talleyrand once addressed a letter
of condolence, in two words: "Oh, madame!" In less than a year, the lady
had married again, and then his letter of congratulation was, "Ah,
madame!"




THAT'S NOTHING.


A MAN, hearing of another who was 100 years old, said contemptuously:
"Pshaw! what a fuss about nothing! Why, if my grandfather was alive he
would be one hundred and fifty years old."




LARGE POCKET-BOOK.


THE most capacious pocket-book on record is the one mentioned by a
coroner's jury in Iowa, thus:--"We find the deceased came to his death
by a visitation of God, and not by the hands of violence. We find upon
the body a pocket-book containing $2, a check on Fletcher's Bank for
$250, and two horses, a wagon, and some butter, eggs, and feathers."




DEGRADATION.


WE once heard of a rich man, who was badly injured by being run over.
"It isn't the accident," said he, "that I mind; that isn't the thing,
but the idea of being run over by an infernal swill-cart makes me mad."




DEAF TO HIS OWN CALL.


A NEW ORLEANS paper states, there is in that city a hog, with his ears
so far back, that he can't hear himself squeal.




DR. PARR.


DR. PARR had a great deal of sensibility. When I read to him, in
Lincoln's Inn Fields, the account of O'Coigly's death, the tears rolled
down his cheeks.

One day Mackintosh having vexed him, by calling O'Coigly "a rascal,"
Parr immediately rejoined, "Yes, Jamie, he was a bad man, but he might
have been worse; he was an Irishman, but he might have been a Scotchman;
he was a priest, but he might have been a lawyer; he was a republican,
but he might have been an apostate."




GOOD.


DURING a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the
monotony of the proceedings:

Among the witnesses was one, as verdant a specimen of humanity as one
would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination, the counsel
for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, and
an ominous shake of the head, exclaimed:

"Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a
different story?"

"A different story from what I have told, sir?"

"That is what I mean."

"Yes sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story
from what I have told, but they couldn't."

"Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who those persons are."

"Waal, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them."

The witness was dismissed, while the judge, jury, and spectators,
indulged in a hearty laugh.




I'LL VOTE FOR THE OTHER MAN.


THE following story is told of a revolutionary soldier who was running
for Congress.

It appears that he was opposed by a much younger man who had "never been
to the wars," and it was his practice to tell the people of the
hardships he had endured. Says he:

"Fellow-citizens, I have fought and bled for my country--I helped whip
the British and Indians. I have slept on the field of battle, with no
other covering than the canopy of heaven. I have walked over frozen
ground, till every footstep was marked with blood."

Just about this time, one of the "sovereigns," who had become very much
affected by this tale of woe, walks up in front of the speaker, wiping
the tears from his eyes with the extremity of his coat-tail, and
interrupting him, says:

"Did you say that you had fought the British and the Injines?"

"Yes, sir, I did."

"Did you say you had followed the enemy of your country over frozen
ground, till every footstep was covered with blood?"

"Yes!" exultingly replied the speaker.

"Well, then," says the tearful "sovereign," as he gave a sigh of painful
emotion, "I'll be blamed if I don't think you've done enough for your
country, and I'll vote for the other man!"




THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE.


TAKING shelter from a shower in an umbrella shop.




DECLINING AN OFFICE.


"BEN," said a politician to his companion, "did you know I had declined
the office of Alderman?"

"_You_ declined the office of Alderman? Was you elected?"

"O, no."

"What then? Nominated?"

"No, but I attended our party caucus last evening, and took an active
part; and when a nominating committee was appointed, and were making up
the list of candidates, I went up to them and begged they would not
nominate me for Alderman, as it would be impossible for me to attend to
the duties?"

"Show, Jake; what reply did they make?"

"Why, they said they hadn't thought of such a thing."




GOOD WITNESSES.


AN Attorney before a bench of magistrates, a short time ago, told the
bench, with great gravity, "That he had two witnesses in court, in
behalf of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth; for he
had had no opportunity to communicate with them!"




TALLEYRAND'S WIT.


"AH! I feel the torments of hell," said a person, whose life had been
supposed to be somewhat of the loosest. "Already?" was the inquiry
suggested to M. Talleyrand. Certainly, it came natural to him. It is,
however, not original; the Cardinal de Retz's physician is said to have
made a similar exclamation on a like occasion.




A FIGHTING FOWL.


DURING Colonel Crockett's first winter in Washington, a caravan of wild
animals was brought to the city and exhibited. Large crowds attended the
exhibition; and, prompted by common curiosity, one evening Colonel
Crockett attended.

"I had just got in," said he; "the house was very much crowded, and the
first thing I noticed, was two wild cats in a cage. Some acquaintance
asked me if they were like wild cats in the backwoods; and I was looking
at them, when one turned over and died. The keeper ran up and threw some
water on it. Said I, 'Stranger, you are wasting time: my look kills them
things; and you had much better hire me to go out of here, or I will
kill every varmint you've got in the caravan.' While I and he were
talking, the lions began to roar. Said I, 'I won't trouble the American
lion, because he is some kin to me; but turn out the African lion--turn
him out--turn him out--I can whip him for a ten dollar bill, and the
zebra may kick occasionally, during the fight.' This created some fun;
and I then went to another part of the room, where a monkey was riding a
pony. I was looking on, and some member said to me, 'Crockett, don't
that monkey favor General Jackson?' 'No,' said I, 'but I'll tell you who
it does favor. It looks like one of your boarders, Mr. ----, of Ohio.'
There was a loud burst of laughter at my saying so, and, upon turning
round, I saw Mr. ----, of Ohio, within three feet of me. I was in a
right awkward fix; but bowed to the company, and told 'em, I had either
slandered the monkey, or Mr. ----, of Ohio, and if they would tell me
which, I would beg his pardon. The thing passed off, but the next
morning, as I was walking the pavement before my door, a member came to
me and said, 'Crockett, Mr. ----, of Ohio, is going to challenge you.'
Said I, 'Well, tell him I am a fighting fowl. I s'pose if I am
challenged, I have the right to choose my weapons?' 'Oh yes,' said he.
'Then tell him,' said I, 'that I will fight him with bows and arrows.'"




ELEPHANT.


WHEN the great Lord Clive was in India, his sisters sent him some
handsome presents from England; and he informed them by letter, that he
had returned them an "_elephant_;" (at least, so they read the word;) an
announcement which threw them into the utmost perplexity; for what could
they possibly do with the animal? The true word was "equivalent."




"THE LAST WAR."


MR. PITT, once speaking in the House of Commons, in the early part of
his career, of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in
which the colonies were lost, called it "the last war." Several members
cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after,
repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last
war but one--the last war but one." "I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt,
turning to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous voice, "I mean, sir,
the last war that Britons would wish to remember." Whereupon the cry was
instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud.




KISSES.


WHEN an impudent fellow attempts to kiss a Tennessee girl, she "cuts
your acquaintance;" all their "divine luxuries are preserved for the lad
of their own choice." When you kiss an Arkansas girl, she hops as high
as a cork out of a champagne bottle, and cries, "Whew, how good!" Catch
an Illinois girl and kiss her, and she'll say, "Quit it now, you know
I'll tell mamma!" A kiss from the girls of old Williamson is a tribute
paid to their beauty, taste, and amiability. It is not _accepted_,
however, until the gallant youth who offers it is _accepted_ as the lord
of their hearts' affections, and firmly united with one, his "chosen
love," beneath the same bright star that rules their destiny for ever.
The common confectionery make-believe kisses, wrapped in paper, with a
verse to sweeten them, won't answer with them. We are certain they
won't, for we once saw such a one handed to a beautiful young lady with
the following:--

    I'd freely give whole years of bliss,
    To gather from thy lips one kiss.

To which the following prompt and neat response was immediately
returned:--

    Young men present these to their favourite Miss,
      And think by such means to entrap her;
    But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss,
      The right kind hain't got any wrapper.

If you kiss a Mississippian gal she'll flare-up like a scorched feather,
and return the compliment by bruising your sky-lights,