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[Illustration: THE FOOLISH ALMANAC 2nd]


PERPETUAL PASS

Issued to:
Edw. C. Smith
_From_ Worryland
_To_ Laughter

(To be used only on The Foolish Almanack 2nd Limited)
GOOD TILL DOOMSDAY

_With the Compliments of the Season_
John N. Luce & Co.


[Illustration: SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC UP-TO-DATE]


_THE_
FOOLISH ALMANAK
For Anuthur Year

THE FURST CINC THE INTRODUKSHUN OV THE
MUK-RAKE IN MAGAZEEN GARDNING, AND
THE SPELING REFORM OV OWR LANGWIJ

By THEODOR ROSYFELT


Thair hay bin uthur Yearz but non like this.
Thingz wil Hapn.

313 Dayz wil kum and 313 Dayz wil go and thair wil
be 52 Sundayz evn in the best regulayted Familiz.
Thair wil be at leest wun 23 for yu in eech munth.

       *       *       *       *       *

LIFE WITHOUT IT WIL BE UN-SEAZOND

By kind Purmishun ov the Jawn D. Rawkyfelurs the
Sun and Moon wil be purmitted 2 Arize and
Shine. The Shuberts wil regulayte the
Starz, and the Planits wil du
the best they kan.

Hetty Green and J. Peerpont Morgun have garanteed the
Wethur.

       *       *       *       *       *

_WITH APOLOGIZ TO THE KARNAGY SPELING SKOOL_

PURPETRAYTED, WITH THE AID OV WALLACE GOLDSMITH'S
PICTURZ, BY

JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY
_BOSTON_ 1906 _LONDON_




_Copyright, 1906, by_
JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY
_Boston, Mass., U. S. A._

_The Plimpton Press Norwood Mass. U. S. A._




[Illustration]


Greeting

  Time was, is, and will be. Almanacks
  have come and Almanacks
  have gone. But Time has survived.
  Only the Foolish Almanack
  has been equal to the pleasant
  Task of Killing it.

We offer the Book as our Defense.


THE PUBLISHERS.




HELPFUL HINT FOR JANUARY:


Do not give way to vain regrets because you did not keep the
good resolves you made a year ago. It might be worse. You
might have kept the resolutions and have had no incentive
for leading a better life this year.

       *       *       *       *       *

ECLIPSES FOR THE COMING YEAR

If there are as many Eclipses as during 1905-6, it will be a
hard year on grafters and bosses. The editor is optimistic,
however, believing that the sanitary revolution which swept
the country has about blown over. Public confidence and
laxity have been restored in a large measure and the time is
now about ripe for us to get it in the neck again.

[Sidenote: _DRESS HINT_: The first costume on record was a
hand-me-down from the fig tree.

[Illustration]

_AN ICE AGE_: Now is the time to cut ice. "Doc." Osler won't
like it if you wait until after you are 40.]




[Illustration]

SUNDAY

MONDAY      Do not swear off anything. Wait 'till tax time.

TUESDAY     (1781) Baron Munchausen published his memoirs.

            (1901) Andrew Carnegie started writing his
                   autobiography.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY    Erroneously spelled Thursday. It should be
            spelled T-h-i-r-s-t-d-a-y (consult any of the
            reformed who have been clinging to the water
            wagon since Tuesday.)

FRIDAY

SATURDAY    (1906) There was no genius born in Indiana this
                   day.

JANUARY

Reciprocity is the mother of contention.




UP IN MAINE


  A thirsty, young sport, up in Me.
  Pretended to suffer great Pe.
    But when he'd imbibed
    What the druggist prescribed,
  He said he felt better Age.

Note: We demanded a diagram for the above and the author
reluctantly provided it. He thinks that any one should know
that _Me._ is the abbreviation for Maine and that to make
the 2d and last lines rhyme you will readily read _Pe._ as
abbreviation for _pain_ and _Age._ as abbreviation for
_again_. We feel much better now and we hope you do, dear
reader.--_The Editor._

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Those who are always having the
hives should go into the bee business.]

[Sidenote: _Household Advice_: To keep the kitchen fire hot,
keep it coaled.]




[Illustration]

SUNDAY

MONDAY      Adam and Eve began housekeeping, and having
            neither prying neighbors nor troublesome
            servants they named their bungalow "Paradise."

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY   A four-flush only wins political pots.
                            --Poker Proverbs.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY      Rosa Bonheur born. Rosa painted animals
            and all of her competitors at the art
            shows said her work was "beastly."

SATURDAY

JANUARY

There are as good fish in the sea as there are in the fish
carts.




FORECAST FOR JANUARY


From January 1st until the 7th, and possibly in some cases
until the 9th or 10th, it will be very DRY. This drouth will
be followed by a long wet spell. The Zodiacal sharp who runs
things during January is Aquarius, which being translated
means "water-wagon." The only folks who never heard of
Aquarius live in the corn-belt of Kentucky.

       *       *       *       *       *

From January 10th to the 15th, the weather will devote its
time to making up its mind what it is going to do. From the
15th to the 20th it will do it.

       *       *       *       *       *

Dark clouds of remorse and despondency will reign during the
last week in January, but by February 1st you will have
become accustomed and resigned to your old habits.

[Illustration]

January will also be marked by "white goods sales," and (if
it's windy in the shopping district) skirt sails.

[Sidenote: _Gardening Hint_: You cannot raise bread fruit
from cauliflour.]

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: If your blood is bad blame it on
your ancestors.]




[Illustration]

SUNDAY

MONDAY      (1905) It was decided to build a sea-level-lock
                   canal in Panama.

            (2001) It was decided to build a lock-sea-level
                   canal instead.

TUESDAY     (3000 A.D.) At a quiet meeting, Daughters of
                   the Revolution elected their officers
                   unanimously.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY    Wear Blinders! To gaze at anything
            with the naked eye is immodest.
                            --Anthony Comstock.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

JANUARY

Open confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for
the reputation.




SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD


Why a pretty ankle makes a "rubber-neck."

Why a Kentucky "Colonel" is a "good Judge."

Why chorus girls and lobsters always go together.

Why a Grass-widow objects to a raking over.

Why real pains from little champagnes grow.

Why there is no "Midway" on the straight and narrow path.

How a man can be "half-seas-over" on land.

       *       *       *       *       *

TALE OF A TANK

  High-ball
  Sad fall.

  Big head
  'Nuff said.

[Sidenote: Muck-rakes will not be popular with trusts or
officialdom, but much sought after by literateurs.

[Illustration]
]




[Illustration]

SUNDAY

MONDAY      (1906) Great excitement in County Cork. Handy
                   Skinegie bit off a piece of the Blarney
                   stone before delivering his address on
                   "How I hate to be rich."

TUESDAY     (1925) Atlas seeks to retire from supporting
                   the world. American-Journal-Examiner
                   put at his service.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY      (1906) T. Roosevelt began publishing a series
                   of short stories in the Congressional
                   Record.

SATURDAY

JANUARY

A punch in the bowl is worth two in the face.




FOR THE HOME COMING


Before meeting his wife and family at the station a wise man
will put his house in order for the home coming.

       *       *       *       *       *

A pleasant way of doing this is to give a house-cleaning
party. Divide your party into the Sweepers, the Dusters, the
Scrubbers, and the Dish Washers, giving each group proper
utensils and offering a prize for the best results.

       *       *       *       *       *

Let the party begin at midnight, after a pleasant dinner,
and at about 2 in the morning the police will probably come
in and finish cleaning the place up.

[Illustration]

[Sidenote: _Dairy Hint_: Most dairymen find a separator
useful, but it is not absolutely necessary. To separate milk
most effectively, keep away from the pump.]




[Illustration]

SUNDAY

MONDAY      Wm. Tell born. Some persons do not believe
            the Wm. Tell story. What Tell do they believe?

TUESDAY     Publicity brings its own reward.
                            --Winston Churchill et al.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY      Robinson Crusoe born. Crusoe was the first
            victim to get a long term on the Island.

SATURDAY

JANUARY

A man's a man for a' that--there is in it.




HELPFUL HINT FOR FEBRUARY


It wasn't because George Washington cut down the cherry tree
that he was made President. And very few men get into office
simply for telling the truth. We hardly know how to advise
you on this point. Why do you wish to enter politics?

       *       *       *       *       *

TO FIND OUT IF MONEY IS TAINTED

  If silver or gold, bite it.
  If bills, wash with soap and water.
  If a cheque, call up the bank.

[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: A little gossip goes a long way.]

[Sidenote: _How to Be Happy_: Quit living.]




[Illustration]

SUNDAY

MONDAY      (1874) Siamese twins Chang and Eng die.

            (1906) Buttin twins, Lawson and Roosevelt,
                   perfectly healthy.
TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY   (1781) "Battle of Cowpens." British defeated
                   by Morgan.

            (1906) Second "Battle of Cowpens." Packers
                   defeated by O'Neil and Reynolds.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY      About this time expect some weather.

SATURDAY

FEBRUARY

  There's many a damn
  'Twixt the door and the jamb.




HOW TO SKATE


February is perhaps as good a month as any other to learn to
skate.

The simplest, and most approved method, is as follows:

One high-ball, another high-ball, 1 more high-ball, simply a
high-ball, just one more high-ball, ditto, the same, and
lastly, a highball. (Note--After the glass is full say, "Not
another drop.")

You will be surprised at the ease with which you can skate.

       *       *       *       *       *

"Spreading the Eagle" is a very pretty and artistic skating
figure. It is done by trying to get from one side of the
street to the other all in the same night.

       *       *       *       *       *

"Looping the lamp-post" is also quite an achievement in
skating. It doesn't make any difference which of the two
lamp-posts you loop--take your choice. It is difficult to
give directions how to do this. The feat has to be seen to
be learned. There is a simpler way of doing it, however, and
that is--stand perfectly still while the lamp-post passes
around you.

       *       *       *       *       *

Two persons skating together for mutual assistance are known
as "a pair of skates."

       *       *       *       *       *

An expert skater can skate just as well in July as in
February.

[Sidenote: _Nocturne_:

  Bright
  Light
  Night.

  Miss
  Kiss
  Bliss.

  Pa
  Bar
  Scar.

[Illustration]
]




[Illustration: Don't see me freckles. Look pleasant please.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY      Cherry trees and hatchets have been supplanted
            by "big sticks" as decorations at the White
            House.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY   "Cut it out"--_Surgeon's Motto_.

THURSDAY    George Washington born.  Neighbors took in
            their cherry trees.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

FEBRUARY

When Duty calls, send her around to the back door.




HOW TO COMPOSE A SHORT STORY


"Ambitious" asks the compiler of this Almanack to tell her
the easiest way to compose a short story.

       *       *       *       *       *

This depends somewhat on the short story, but a few general
observations may be of interest. Some short stories are more
excited than others.

       *       *       *       *       *

Lead the short story to a quiet place and soothe it by
praise delivered in a gentle, monotonous, but authoritative
tone of voice. Be careful not to criticize, as that will
make it more and more nervous. When the short story shows
signs of yielding to this influence, smooth it gently with
one hand and pat it on the back with the other. When quite
composed, withdraw quietly, still speaking in a low tone.

       *       *       *       *       *

A short story by Mary Wilkins can be composed more quickly
than a short story by Kipling. In the latter case it may be
necessary to gently persuade the short story to take an
opiate.

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: All that blisters is not good for
a cold.]

[Sidenote: _Lucky Advice_: It is unlucky to fall down 13
flights of stairs.]




[Illustration: Darn that ram.]

SUNDAY      (1906) A bright day. W. J. Bryan congratulates
                   the Sun.

MONDAY

TUESDAY     "It isn't so much her eating the apple as that
            she thought she was getting something for
            nothing. I foresee much trouble from this
            tendency."      --Adam's Journal.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY      (2300 B.C.) Confusion invented by Confucius.

SATURDAY

FEBRUARY

A woman's college is a dangerous thing.




HELPFUL HINT FOR MARCH


Now is a good time to think about having your last summer's
suit and hat cleaned and fixed up to last another season.
You can stand at the window and look out at the snow, and
think about this to your heart's content. This probably will
warm you to such an extent that you will save a bit on your
coal bill.

       *       *       *       *       *

HOW TO HANDLE A MUCK-RAKE

The owner of a muck-rake should first get a magazine to keep
it in. This practice originated with Laws Tomson, the
celebrated Norse Berserker.

Select your muck and rake it diligently until you find a
large, fat check; then leave that pile and begin on another.

       *       *       *       *       *

WEATHER HINT--It's a nil wind that doesn't blow.

[Sidenote: _A Bad Sign_: "All Drinks Spot Cash."

[Illustration]




[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat
off.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY      About now young boys forget skating and begin
            to think about marbles. "Old Boys" are still
            skating and they are not particular whether
            the pastime is associated with marble or
            mahogany.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY    PRESS-AGENT--One who presages or foretells.
            See LYRE.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY    (1868) Barnum's Museum in New York destroyed
                   by fire. Parkhurst, Carrie Nation,
                   Dowie, and Anthony Comstock saved.

MARCH

It is said that nothing is impossible; but there are lots of
people doing nothing every day.




ODD FACTS


Eve did not use face powder.

       *       *       *       *       *

Methuselah developed peculiarities as he grew old. It is
said that he never paid a telephone or gas bill.

       *       *       *       *       *

Samson had his whims. He never went into vaudeville.

       *       *       *       *       *

Noah never cared to take the children to see the animals at
the circus.

       *       *       *       *       *

Goliath was another who thought he had one good fight left
in him.

       *       *       *       *       *

Christopher Columbus did not go on the lecture platform to
tell of his travels.

       *       *       *       *       *

Napoleon always played solitaire before going into a battle;
he couldn't run the deck out, and it made him so angry he
just had to lick somebody.

       *       *       *       *       *

Euclid invented geometry rather than design dress patterns
for his wife.

       *       *       *       *       *

Socrates was henpecked, and was one of the greatest
philosophers in the world--but the rule does not hold good
any longer.

[Sidenote: _Weather Sign_: A spoony pair under an umbrella
is a sign of a rain beau.]

[Sidenote: _To Cure a Morning Headache_: Be a little more
abstemious the night before.]




[Illustration]

SUNDAY

MONDAY      (1875) First train ran through the Hoosac
                   Tunnel. Hobson too young to be present.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY   (1793) Washington D. C. named in honor of
                   Washington deceased.

THURSDAY

FRIDAY      It was in this month that S. N. Akes left
            Ireland.  Located in Bellevue Hospital, N. Y.

SATURDAY

MARCH

When you see a man pushing a baby carriage, it is a sign
that he has trouble before him.




SPRING, GENTLE SPRING


One life-size morning nearly six thousand years ago Jubal
sat outside of dear old Eden, whanged his harp and warbled
the following:

  "Gentle Spring has come at last,
  So keep your furnace fires full blast!"

       *       *       *       *       *

It was thus that Spring was invented, also the first Spring
poet. But why Spring should appeal