



Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
at http://www.pgdp.net





PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 93.



October 29th, 1887.




QUITE A LITTLE HOLIDAY.

EXTRACT FROM A GRAND OLD DIARY. MONDAY, OCT. 17.

Self, wife, and HERBERT started early to escape our kind-hearted,
clear-headed admirers; so early, that I scarcely had time before
leaving to write thirty post-cards, seventy-six pages of notes for
my next magazine article, and to cut down half-a-dozen trees. Train
announced to leave Chester at 10:30, but got off at the hour.
This little joke (WATKIN'S notion) caused much amusement. Through
opera-glasses we could see bands of music, deputations, &c.,
constantly coming to the railway-stations to meet our train after
it had passed. Too bad! However, to prevent disappointment, and as
CHAMBERLAIN has been imitating me and vulgarised my original idea, I
knocked off some speeches, in pencil, and HERBERT threw them out of
the window as fast as I could write them. So far as we could make out
with a telescope, some of them reached their destination, and seemed
to be well received.

[Illustration: Master Willie Gladstone "really enjoying, and in some
measure appreciating and understanding," our Mr. Agnew's lectures on
Art.

_Vide Times Report, Oct. 18._]

Awfully pleased to meet Mr. WILLIAM AGNEW at Manchester. Odd
coincidence of Christian names. I shall speak of him and allude to him
as "The Other WILLIAM." He promised to keep by me, and show me all the
pictures worth seeing.

"T'Other WILLIAM," said I, "you are very good. As you know, I take a
great and sincere interest in pictures and works of Art, although I
know very little about them." T'Other WILLIAM protested. "No, T'Other
WILLIAM, I am right. You have been the means of providing me with
a commodity most difficult of all others to procure if you do not
possess it yourself--that is to say, you have provided me with
brains." Further protests from T'Other One. "No, T'Other WILLIAM,
hear me out; for you know in all cases where a judgment has had to be
passed upon works of Art, I have been accustomed to refer a great deal
to you, and lean upon you, because you have been constantly the means
of enabling me really to see, and really to enjoy, and in some measure
to appreciate and understand, all that you have shown to me."

I was so pleased with this little speech that I made HERBERT take it
down as I repeated it to him privately when T'Other was looking in
another direction. When I brought it out afterwards, at luncheon in
the Palm-house, it went wonderfully. So it should, because I felt
every word of it. T'Other WILLIAM is one of the kindest and most
courteous of my friends.

I was very pleased with the Exhibition, although perhaps (I am not
certain of this) I might have seen it better had not about four
thousand visitors followed our little party everywhere, cheering
vociferously. I was consequently obliged to keep my attention most
carefully fixed upon the exhibits, as when I caught any stranger's
eye, the stranger immediately (but with an eagerness that did not
exceed the limits of good behaviour) called upon me to make a speech
then and there upon the subject of "Home Rule." I am sure I should
on each and every occasion have only been too delighted, had not Sir
ANDREW warned me not to indulge too much in that sort of thing. The
crowd, however, had its decided advantage, inasmuch as we were carried
off our feet everywhere. In this luxurious fashion we were wafted to
Messrs. DOULTON'S Pottery Manufactory, to Mr. JESSE HAWORTH'S loan
exhibition of Egyptian antiquities, the name "JESSE" recalled to me
the poor misguided JOE'S "JESSE," the second fiddle, but _toujours
fidele_, and to a great many other shows of almost equal interest.

But of course _the_ feature of the Exhibition was the collection
of pictures. I was absolutely delighted. T'Other WILLIAM explained
everything, and amongst other portraits showed me one of myself by
MILLAIS. I imagine that everybody must have thought it very like,
because when they observed me inspecting it, they cheered more
vigorously than ever. For my part I can't help feeling that Sir JOHN
might have done more with the collars. He has not (to my thinking,
although I confess I may be wrong) put quite enough starch in them.
This is my own idea, as I did not consult T'Other One upon the
subject. Great as my reliance is upon him concerning works of Art, I
reserve the right of using my own judgment in the matter of collars.
Passing through the galleries I was delighted with everything I saw.
The only drawback to my pleasure was the fact that I was followed (as
I have already hinted) by a cheering crowd, who occasionally, and, no
doubt, accidentally, drowned the voice of my kind Mentor. Under other
circumstances I should have drawn the distinction between the Mentor
and the Tor-mentors. Think this, but don't say it. For instance, when
we were standing in front of "_Ramsgate Sands_," this is what reached
my ears eager for instruction:--

"'_Ramsgate Sands_,' by FRITH--(_'Hooray!'_)--who, as you know, has
just written--(_'Speech! Speech!' 'Home Rule!' 'Three cheers for
MORLEY!'_)--full of anecdotes of all sorts of interesting people. If
you went to Ramsgate now, you would find----(_'We are going to give
you another carpet, old man!' 'Hooray, hooray, hooray!' 'Three
Cheers for Home Rule!--An extra one for Manchester!'_)--and
practically the sand-frequenters we are carefully examining in this
picture are of thirty years ago. (_'Speech! Speech!'_) You must
know----(_'Hooray, hooray, hooray!'_)"

And at this period my dear friend was silenced by our being carried
away in an irresistible stream to the Palm-house, where we took part
in an excellent luncheon. Here I delivered my speech, which I
pride myself was first-rate. I called Manchester the Modern Athens,
explaining, however, that no offence was intended to the capital
of Midlothian. Take it all round, then, in spite of the "exuberant
interest" shown in me by my fellow-citizens, I have had a very
pleasant day, thanks chiefly to T'Other WILLIAM.

       *       *       *       *       *

A PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME.

_October 25._--Lecture by amiable Police Magistrate to six hulking
rowdies, who have been assaulting the Police, on the duty of "bearing
distress patiently." Tells them "not to do it again," and dismisses
them with aid from the Poor Box and his blessing. Surprise of rowdies.

_October 26._--Unemployed employ themselves in sacking portion of Bond
Street, during temporary withdrawal of Police for a little rest.

_October 27._--Sitting Alderman at Mansion House gives a Socialist
Deputation some sympathetic and fatherly advice, and recommends them
to "study laws of supply and demand." Invites them to Lord Mayor's
Banquet. Deputation accepts invitation readily, and, on emerging
into street, is chivied down Cheapside by infuriated mob of other
Socialists, who have not received invitations.

_October 28._--New Leaders of Mob (_vice_ Deputation, resigned)
denounce sympathetic Alderman as a "bloated exploiter." Nelson
Monument pulled down. Ten leading tradesmen, in neighbourhood of
Trafalgar Square, unable to do any business, owing to streets being
blocked with rioters, go into bankruptcy.

_October 29._--Gathering of "Unemployed" in Westminster Abbey.
Unemployed complain bitterly because chairs have no cushions. The
Dean, conducted to pulpit under strong police escort, preaches very
conciliatory sermon on duty of Upper Classes, all, except Deans, to
give most of what they possess to poor; advises poor to wait patiently
till they get it. Retires under heavy shower of hymn-books. Unemployed
"remain to prey."

_October 30._--Westminster Abbey sacked, in consequence of Dean's
conciliatory sermon. The Can