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TREAT 'EM ROUGH

LETTERS FROM

JACK THE KAISER KILLER



_By_

RING W. LARDNER

AUTHOR OF

My Four Weeks in France, Gullible's Travels, Etc.



ILLUSTRATED BY

FRANK CRERIE

INDIANAPOLIS THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY PUBLISHERS

COPYRIGHT 1913
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY

PRESS OF BRAUNWORTH & CO. BOOK MANUFACTURERS BROOKLYN, N.Y.



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JACK THE KAISER KILLER

CAMP GRANT, Sept. 23.

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al I am writeing this in the recreation room at our
barracks and they's about 20 other of the boys writeing letters and I
will bet some of the letters is rich because half of the boys can't talk
english to say nothing about writeing letters and etc. We got a fine
bunch in my Co. Al and its a cinch I won't never die in the trenchs
because I will be murdered in my bed before we ever get out of here only
they don't call it bed in the army.

They call it bunk and no wonder.

Well Al I have been here since Wed. night and now it is Sunday and this
is the first time I have not felt sick since we got here and even at
that my left arm is so sore it is pretty near killing me where I got
vacinated. Its a good thing I am not a left hander Al or I couldn't get
a ball up to the plate but of course I don't have to think of that now
because I am out of baseball now and in the big game but at that I guess
a left hander could get along just as good with a sore arm because I
never seen one of them yet that could break a pain of glass with their
fast ball and if they didn't have all the luck in the world they would
be rideing around the country in a side door Pullman with all their
baggage on.

Speaking about baseball Al I suppose you seen where the White Sox have
cinched the penant and they will be splitting the world serious money
while I am drawing $30.00 per mo. from the Govmt. but 50 yrs. from now
the kids will all stop me on the st. and make me tell them what hotel we
stayed at in Berlin and when Cicotte and Faber and Russell begins to
talk about what they done to the Giants everybody will have themself
paged and walk out.

Well Al a lot of things come off since the last time I wrote to you. We
left Chi Wed. noon and you ought to seen the crowd down to the Union
station to bid us good by. Everybodys wifes and sisters and mothers was
there and they was all crying in 40 different languages and the women
wasn't allowed through the gates so farewell kisses was swapped between
the iron spokes in the gates and some of the boys was still getting
smacked yet when the train started to pull out and it looked like a
bunch of them would get left and if they had I'll say their wifes would
of been in tough luck.

[Illustration: Florrie was all dressed up like a horse and I bet a lot
of them other birds wished they was in my shoes (p. 10).]

Of course wife Florrie and little son Al was there and Florrie was all
dressed up like a horse and I bet a lot of them other birds wished they
was in my shoes when the kissing battle begun. Well Al we both
blubbered a little but Florrie says she mustn't cry to hard or she would
have to paternize her own beauty parlors because crying makes a girl
look like she had pitched a double header in St. Louis or something. But
I don't know if you will believe it or not but little Al didn't even
wimper. How is that for a game bird and only 3 yrs. old?

Well Al some alderman or somebody had got a lot of arm bandages made for
us with the words Kaiser Killers printed on them and they was also signs
stuck on the different cars on the train like Berlin or Bust and etc.
and the Stars and Strips was flying from the back platforms so we
certainly looked like regular soldiers even without no uniforms and I
guess if Van Hindburg and them could of seen us you wouldn't of needed a
close line no more to take their chest measure.

Well all our bunch come from the south side and of course some of them
was fans and the first thing you know they had me spotted and they all
wanted to shake hands and I had a smile for all of them because I have
got it doped out that we are all fighting for Uncle Sam and a man ought
to forget who you are and what you are and be on friendly turns with
everybody till after the war.

Well Al they had told us to not bring much baggage and some of the boys
come without even their tooth brush but they hadn't some of them forgot
to fetch a qt. bottle and by the time we got outside of the city limits
the engineer didn't have to blow his whistle to leave people know we
were comeing. Somebody had a cornet and another fellow had a trombone
and a couple of them had mouth organs and we all sung along with them
and we sung patriotic songs like Jonah Vark and Over There and when they
started on the Star Spangled Banner the guy I was setting along side of
him hollered for them to not play that one and I thought he was a pro
German or something and I was going to bust him but somebody asked him
why shouldn't they play it and he says because he couldn't stand up and
he wasn't the only one either Al.

The train stopped at a burg called Aurora and a bunch of the boys needed
air so they got off, some of them head first and one bird layed down on
the station platform and says he had changed his mind about going to war
and he was going to sleep there a while and catch the first train back
to Chi so we picked him up and throwed him back on our train and told
him we would have the engineer back up to Chi and drop him off and he
says O.K. and of course the train started ahead again but he didn't know
if we was going or comeing or looping the loop.

Well the trombone blower finely blowed himself to a nap and while he
was asleep a little guy snuck the trombone away from him and says "Look
here boys I am willing to give my life for Uncle Sam but I am not going
to die to no trombone music." So he throwed the trombone out of the
window without opening the window and the guy woke up that owned it and
the next thing you know the Kaiser Killers was in their first battle.

Well Al by the time we got to Camp Grant some of the boys looked like
they was just comeing from the war instead of just going and I guess I
was about the only one that was O.K. because I know how to handle it but
I had eat some sandwiches that a <DW77> give me on the train and they must
of been poisoned or something because when I got off everything looked
kind of blured.

We was met by a bunch of officers in uniform. The guy that had throwed
the trombone away had both eyes swelled shut and a officer had to lead
him to the head quarters and I heard the officer ask him if he was
bringing any liquor into the camp and he says yes all he could carry,
but the officer meant did he have a bottle of it and he says No he had
one but a big swede stuck his head in front of it and it broke.

Over to the head quarters they give us a couple of blankets a peace and
then they split us up into Cos. and showed us our barracks and they said
we looked like we needed sleep and we better go to bed right after
supper because we would have to get down to hard work the next
A.M. and I was willing to go to bed without no supper after
eating them dam sandwichs and the next time them <DW77>s trys to slip me
something to eat or drink I will hang one on their jaw.

Well Al the buggle has blowed for mess which is what they call the meals
and you would know why if you eat some of them so I will close for this
time and save the rest for the next time and my address is Co. C. 399th.
Infantry, Camp Grant, Ill.

Your Pal, JACK.




CAMP GRANT, Sept. 24.

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al they give us some work out today and I am pretty
tired but they's no use going to bed till 9 o'clock which is the time
they blow the buggle for the men to shut up their noise. They do
everything by buggies here. They get you up at a quarter to 6 which is
first call and you got to dress in 15 minutes because they blow the
assembly buggle at 6 and then comes the revelry buggle and then you eat
breakfast and so on till 11 P.M. when they blow the taps buggle
and that means everybody has got to put their lights out and go to sleep
just as if a man couldn't go to sleep without music and any way a whole
lot of the boys go to sleep before 11 because with so many of us here
how could the officers tell if we waited for the buggle or didn't wait
for it?

Well Al about all we done the first 3 days was try and get the place to
looking like something because the men that built the buildings was to
lazy to clean up after themself and I wouldn't of minded only for
feeling so bad all day Thursday on acct. of that sandwich and Friday I
felt rotten because a Dr. vacinated me and fixed me up so as I can't
catch small pox or tyford fever and I would rather have the both of
them the same day then have that bird work on me again.

Thursday A.M. after breakfast a bunch of us went to the Drs.
and they give us a physical examination and before the Dr. examined me
he says "Well is they anything the matter with you outside of a
headache?" So I said "How do you know I got a headache" and he says
because they was a epidemic of them in the camp. Well Al I could of told
him why only of course I wouldn't squeel on the rest of the boys so all
I told him was about me eating that sandwich and he says all the boys
must of eat them and that shows how much them wise Drs. knows.

Well of course he didn't find nothing the matter with me physicly and he
says I was a fine specimen and the next place I went was to the head
quarters or something where they give us our uniforms and you ought to
see me in mine Al only the shoes is 6 sizes to big and I made a holler
about it but the man says they wouldn't be so big after I had wore them
a while. They must be fine shoes that will srink Al because all the
shoes I ever seen the more you wear them they get bigger. They give us
each 2 pair shoes one to march in with cleats on the bottom and a hat
and a hat cord and 5 pair sox and 2 shirts and a belt and 3 suits under
wear and 2 cocky suits.

And we had to tell our family history to a personal officer that writes
down all about you on a card and what kind of work you done before so if
the General or somebody tears their pants they won't have to chase all
over the camp and page a taylor because they can look at the cards and
find out who use to be a taylor and send for him to sow them up.

A lot of the boys give this officer a song and dance about how good they
can drive a car and etc. so they can get a soft snap like driveing one
of the officers cars and I could of got some kind of a snap only I come
here to be a soldier and fight Germans and not mend their pants.

The officer asked me my name and age and etc. and what I done in civil
life so I said "I guess you don't read the sporting page." So he says
"Oh are you a fighter or something?" So I said "I am a fighter now but I
use to pitch for the White Sox." So then he asked me what I done before
that so I told him I was with Terre Haute in the Central League and
Comiskey heard about me and bought me and then he sent me out to Frisco
for a while and I stood that league on their head and then he got me
back and I been with him about 3 years.

So the officer asked me if I ever done anything besides pitch so I told
him about the day I played the outfield in Terre Haute when Burns and
Stewart shut their eyes going after a fly ball and their skulls come
together and it sounded like a freight wreck and they was both layed out
so I and Lefty Danvers took their place and in the 8th. inning I come up
with 2 on and hit a curve ball off big Jack Rowan and only for the fence
that ball wouldn't of made no stops this side of Indpls.

So then the officer says "Yes but didn't you do something when you
wasn't playing ball?" so I told him a pitcher don't have to do nothing
only set on the bench or hit fungos once in a while or warm up when it
looks like the guy in there is beggining to wobble. So he says "Well I
guess I will put you down as a pitcher and when we need one in a hurry
we will know where to find one." But I don't know when they would need a
pitcher Al unless it was to throw one of them bombs and believe me when
it comes to doing that I will make a sucker out of the rest of these
birds because if my arm feels O.K. they's nobody got better control and
if they tell me to stick one in a German's right eye that is where I
will put it and not in their stomach or miss them all together like I
was a left hander or something.

[Illustration: Shut their eyes going after a fly ball, their skulls came
together and it sounded like a freight wreck (p. 20).]

Well Al we done a little training Friday and Saturday but today was the
first day we realy went to it. First of course we got up and dressed and
then they was 10 minutes of what they call upseting exercises and then
come breakfast which was oatmeal and steak and bread and coffee. The
way it is now you got to get your own dishs and go up to the counter and
wait on yourself but of course we will have waiters when things gets
more settled. You also got to make your own bed and that won't never
kill nobody Al because all as we got is 2 blankets and you don't have to
leave the bed open all A.M. like at home because whatever air wanted to
get in wouldn't let these blankets stop it.

Then they give us an hour of drilling and that was duck soup for me on
acct. of the drilling we done on the ball club last spring and you ought
to seen the corporal and sargent open their eyes when they seen me
salute and etc. but some of the birds don't know their right from their
left and the officers had to put a stick of wood in their right hand so
they would know it was their right hand and imagine if some of them was
ball players and played left field. They would have to hire a crossing
policeman to tell them where to go to get to their position and if they
was pitchers they wouldn't know if they was right hand pitchers or left
hand pitchers till they begun to pitch and then they would know because
if they were hog wild they would be left handers.

The corporals and sargents come from the regular army but after a while
Capt. Nash will pick some of us out to take their place and it is a
cinch I will be picked out on acct. of knowing all about the drills etc.

The next thing was a lecture on what they could do to us if we got
stewed