



Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Neville Allen,
Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading
Team at http://www.pgdp.net









  PUNCH,

  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

  VOL. 147.

  OCTOBER 28, 1914.


CHARIVARIA.

Reports that Germany is not best pleased with Austria-Hungary are
peculiarly persistent just now. There would indeed seem to be good
grounds for Germany's displeasure, for a gentleman just returned from
Budapest says that the Hungarian MINISTER OF THE INTERIOR has actually
issued an official circular to the mayors and prefects throughout the
land enjoining upon them the duty of treating citizens of hostile states
sojourning in their midst with humanity and sympathy.

       * * *

Inquisitive people are asking, "What is the KAISER'S quarrel with the
Bavarians?" He is reported to have said, the other day, "My wish for the
English is that one day they will have to fight the Bavarians."

       * * *

The King of BAVARIA, by the way, has been operated upon for a swelling
of the shoulder blade. We are glad to hear that he is progressing
favourably, and it is hoped that the swelling will not, as in the case
of another distinguished patient, spread to the head.

       * * *

For the following little story we are indebted to the German
army:--"Fears are now entertained of an epidemic breaking out among the
German troops in Antwerp, as, the German artillery having destroyed the
municipal waterworks, there is no drinkable water available."

       * * *

Several striking suggestions have reached the authorities in connection
with the danger from Zeppelins. One is that St. Paul's Cathedral and
Westminster Abbey should be covered over with dark cloths every night,
and that shoddy reproductions of these edifices should be run up in
another part of London, and be brilliantly illuminated so as to attract
the attention of the enemy.

       * * *

Another method of confusing the airships, it is pointed out, would be to
drain the Thames, and to flood a great thoroughfare, say that from the
Bank to Shepherd's Bush, and to place barges on it so that it would be
mistaken for the river and cause the airmen to lose their bearings.

       * * *

Meanwhile the authorities who are responsible for the safety of London
are said to be anxious to hear of an intrepid airman who will undertake
to paint out the moon.

       * * *

There are, of course, always pessimists among us, but we would beg the
editor of _The Barmouth and County Advertiser_ to try not to be
downhearted. Impressed, no doubt, by the recent sale of two German
warships to Turkey, he gives voice to the following opinion in a
leader:--"Our Fleet to-day is supreme; but no one knows when an auction
may take place...."

       * * *

It has suddenly become more imperative than ever that the War should be
finished quickly. A publishing firm has issued the first volume of a
history of the war with an announcement that it will be completed in
four volumes at a fixed price. If the war should last longer than a year
the last volume threatens to achieve such a size that the publisher
would either have to go back on his word or be ruined.

       * * *

The L.C.C. has just produced a new, revised, up-to-date and fully
detailed map of London, and the German War Office is furious to think
that it has been put to the needless expense of compiling a similar
document itself.

       * * *

It has been pointed out that the War has had a most satisfactory effect
on criminality. And even in civil actions witnesses would seem to be
turning over a new leaf, and even insisting on giving evidence against
themselves. For example, we learn from _The Northwood Gazette_ that a
van driver, charged the other day with damaging a motor-car, said in
cross-examination:--"I pulled up about fifteen years after the accident
happened."

       * * *

In spite of the War our Law Courts pursue the even tenour of their way,
and the Divisional Court has just been asked to decide the important
question, Is ice-cream meat? Personally we should say that, where it is
made from unfiltered water, the answer is in the affirmative.

       * * *

"DE WET OF THE SEA."

_Daily Mail._

We should have thought this well-known characteristic was hardly worth
mentioning.

       * * *

"DISGUISED SPIES"

was the title of a paragraph in a contemporary last week. These cases
must surely be exceptional. We always think of spies as wearing a
recognised uniform, or at least a label to indicate their profession.

       * * *

"CORK STEAMER SUNK BY MINE."--_Evening News._

This war is shattering many of our illusions.

       * * *

Mr. FRED EMNEY, who is now appearing at the Coliseum, would like it to
be known that he is not an Alien Emney.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: "IT'S ALL VERY WELL, JARGE, FOR YOU T' SAY WHY DON'T
KITCHENER AN' FRENCH DO THIS AN' THAT? BUT WHAT I SAY IS, IT DON'T DO
FOR YOU AN' ME T' SAY ANYTHINK WHAT MIGHT EMBARRASS EITHER OF 'EM."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE NEW CENSORSHIP.

    "The country in which so much interest centres may be briefly
    described. From near ---- to ---- and onwards in a south-easterly
    direction there is a low range of chalky hills, closely resembling
    our South Downs. There is no harm in saying definitely that not a
    German is on this line."--_Daily Telegraph._

No apparent harm, but you can't be too careful. If the news gets round
to the Germans that they are not there, they might at once set about to
correct this defect.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TANDEM.

    "Mr. F. Marsham-Townshend's Polygamist, 3, 6-2, E. Crickmere 0

    Mr. F. Marsham-Townshend's Polygamist, 3, 6-2, O. Grant 0"

    _Irish Times._

Racing, you will be glad to be reminded, still goes on, but of course
only for the sake of creating employment. By putting two jockeys upon
the same horse the desired end is attained more easily.

       *       *       *       *       *

CANUTE AND THE KAISER.

[_Thoughts extracted from a sea-shell (howitzer pattern) by Our Own
Special Conchologist on the Belgian Coast._]

  There was a King by name CANUTE
    (In ancient jargon known as KNUT),
  And I, for one, will not dispute
    The kingly figure which he cut;
  A god in mufti--so his courtiers said--
    Whatever thing he chose to have a try at,
  He did it (loosely speaking) on his head,
        By just remarking, "_Fiat!_"

  One day they sat him by the sea
    To put his virtue to the test,
  And there, without conviction, he
    Threw off the following, by request:--
  "Ocean," he said, "I see your waves are wet"
    (Bravely he spoke, but in his heart he funked 'em),
  "So to your further progress here I set
        A period, or _punctum_."

  He knew it wasn't any good
    Talking like that; and when the foam
  Made for his feet (he knew it would)
    He turned at once and made for home;
  And "I'm no god, but just a man," he cried,
    "And you, my sycophants, are sorry rotters,
  Who told your KNUT that he could dare the tide
        To damp his heavenly trotters."

       * * *

  The scene was changed. Another strand;
    Another god (alleged) was there
  (In spirit, you must understand;
    His actual frame occurred elsewhere);--
  "O element designed for German ships,
    Whose future lies," said he, "upon the water,
  I strike at England! Ho!" and licked his lips
        For lust of loot and slaughter.

  Then by the sea was answer made,
    And down the wind this word was blown:
  "Thus far! but here your steps are stayed;
    England is mine; I guard my own!"
  And as upon his ear this challenge fell,
    Out of the deep there also fell upon it, or
  Close in the neighbourhood, a singing shell
        From H.M. _Mersey_, Monitor.

  And just as old CANUTE (or KNUT)
    Stopped not to parley when he found
  His line of exit nearly cut,
    But moved his feet to drier ground,
  So too that other Monarch, much concerned
    About his safety, looked no longer foam-ward,
  But said, "This sea's too much for me," and turned
        Strategically home-ward.

  O. S.

       *       *       *       *       *

WAR AND THE HIGH HAND.

_Scene:_ A MOTHERS' MEETING.

"They do say as this old Keyser or Geyser or whatever 'e calls 'isself
be goin' to 'op it."

"Afraid of 'is life, if t'other side should win--that it?"

"Likely 'e is--an' well may be. T'other side be our side in that case,
bain't it?"

"That's it. An' it's 'im for 'isself an' the rest for theirselves, from
what I can see."

"This old Keyser, 'e's to blame for most ev'rythin' happenin' nowadays.
Reg'lar firebran' in our midst, 'e do seem."

"Daresay 'e was drove to it, if we could but see all."

"Some woman nagged 'im into it--if you ask me."

"They do say 'e craves for peace with 'is whole mind."

"Parson 'e says on Sunday as the hypocrit' cries for peace where there
is no peace."

"This war seems to take people out of their true selves, makin' of 'em
ravenin' beasts."

"Men, too, as otherwise acts quiet an' well-meanin' enough. You 'eard
what Doctor done?"

"What 'e done?"

"Not to old Sally's son, Jim?"

"'Im as 'urted 'is 'and blackberry time--a year ago this very month?"

"'Im. Ill unto death, 'e were, with blood poisonin', and Doctor 'e says
what a shockin' state 'is blood must 'ave been in for the poison to
serve 'im so."

"An' old Sally been a-keepin' of 'im ever since. 'Er needle been at it
reg'lar, but 'ardly earnin' a livin' wage owin' to the meanness of them
who 'as it to pay."

"An' a poisoned and, when the worst be over, ain't no bar to the
appetite."

"Glad she's been to do it sooner than lose 'im, as she lost 'is brother
with 'oopin'-cough."

"That must be a matter of twenty-five year ago--before ever Jim was
born."

"You ain't told us yet, dear, what Doctor done."

"I'm comin' to that. Jim, 'e's not without 'is uses an' 'e