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  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

  Vol. 147.

  September 23, 1914.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: THE ALIEN.

_Chorus._ "BOO! 'OO KISSED 'ER 'AND TO THE KAISER LARST TIME 'E COME
OVER? YAR! BLOOMIN' GERMAN!"

       *       *       *       *       *

CHARIVARIA.

The KAISER, we are told, travels with an asbestos hut. We fancy,
however, that it is not during his lifetime that the most pressing need
for a fire-proof shelter will arise.

       * * *

"The Germans," said one of our experts last week, "are retreating to
what looks like a bottle-neck exit." Their fondness for the bottle is,
of course, well known and may yet be their undoing.

       * * *

_The Times_, one day, gave a map showing "The Line of Battle in
Champagne." It was, as might have been expected, a very wobbly line.

       * * *

A somewhat illiterate correspondent writes to say that he considers that
the French ought to have allowed the Mad Dog to retain Looneyville.

       * * *

The German papers publish the statement that a Breslau merchant has
offered 30,000 marks to the German soldier who, weapon in hand, shall be
the first to place his feet on British soil. By a characteristic piece
of sharp practice the reward, it will be noted, is offered to the man
personally and would not be payable to his next of kin.

       * * *

With one exception all goods hitherto manufactured in Germany can be
made just as well here. The exception is Lies.

       * * *

We have been requested to deny the rumour that Mr. A. C. BENSON'S
forthcoming Christmas book is to be a Eulogy of German Culture and is to
bear the title, _Some Broken Panes From a College Window_ (_in
Louvain_).

       * * *

A Corps of Artists for Home Defence is being formed, and the painter
members are said to be longing for a brush with the enemy.

       * * *

Cases have been brought to our notice by racing men of betting news
having been delayed on more than one occasion owing to the wires being
required for war purposes. We are confident that if a protest were made
to Lord KITCHENER he would look very closely into the matter.

       * * *

Another item reaches us from the dear old village of Pufflecombe this
week. The oldest inhabitant met a stranger. "'Scuse me, Zur," he said,
"but be you from Lunnon town?" The visitor nodded. "Then maybe, Zur,"
said the rustic, "you can tell me if it be true, as I have heerd tell,
that relations 'tween England and Germany be strained?"

       *       *       *       *       *

     "If every man and woman in the country were mated, the number of
     men who would still remain bachelors would more than equal the
     entire population."--_Daily News._

The Press Bureau cannot guarantee the truth of this.

       *       *       *       *       *

     Germans on board, who were arrested, stated that reports circulated
     in Hamburg declared that the British troops had been annihilated
     and Paris was in flames.

     "Sixty-two British ships lie at Hamburg."

They must have caught it from the Germans.

       *       *       *       *       *

PROBATION.

(_To a King's Recruit._)

  Now is your time of trial, now
   When into dusk the glamour pales
   And the first glow of passion fails
  That lit your eyes and flushed your brow
  In that great moment when you made your vow.

  The Vision fades; you scarce recall
   The sudden swelling of the heart,
   The swift resolve to have your part
  In this the noblest quest of all
  By which our word is given to stand or fall.

  Your mother's pride, your comrades' praise--
   All that romance that seemed so fair
   Grows dim, and you are left to bear
  The prose of duty's sombre ways
  And labour of the long unlovely days.

  Yet here's the test to prove you kin
   With those to whom we trust our fate,
   Sober and steadfast, clean and straight,
  In that stern school of discipline
  Hardened to war against the foe within.

  For only so, in England's sight,
   By that ordeal's searching flame
   Found worthy of your fathers' fame,
  With all your spirit's armour bright
  Can you go forth in her dear cause to fight.

   O. S.

       *       *       *       *       *

UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.

No. 1.

(_From Herr Von Bethmann Hollweg._)

MAJESTY,--Though you will never receive this letter, I feel that I must
write it if only to relieve my mind of an intolerable burden. There is
no doubt about it, things are not going well with us, and we shall soon
be in a situation of a most deplorable kind. Our armies have been driven
back in France--this is what VON STEIN means when he declares that we
have had "partial successes"--and Paris, which was to be captured weeks
ago, seems to be as strong and as defiant as ever. The English are still
unbroken and are pouring new armies into France. In Galicia the wretched
Austrians are running like sheep; even Servia has beaten them and is
invading Hungary and Bosnia; and our wonderful fleet, which cost so much
good money, is bottled up. Soon we shall have the Cossacks on our backs,
and then the dance will begin in earnest.

But you don