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  A
  LEGACY OF FUN

  BY
  ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

  WITH
  A SHORT SKETCH OF HIS LIFE.


  LONDON:
  FREDERICK FARRAH, 282, STRAND.
  1865.




MEMOIR.


Abe Lincoln, the late President of the United States of America, was
born on the 12th of February, 1809, in Hardin County, in the State of
Kentucky. His grandfather, who emigrated from Virginia to the above
State, was slain by the Indians in 1784. Thomas Lincoln, father of
the President, and Nancy Hawks, his mother, were natives of Virginia.
The opportunities for education enjoyed by Abraham were few and
far between, for at an early age his father needed his assistance
in clearing the forest, and making it a fitting dwelling place for
man. Still, whenever an opportunity presented itself, it was eagerly
grasped, and the result was that, despite of untoward circumstances,
Abraham succeeded in acquiring a decent knowledge of his mother tongue
and the rudiments of an ordinary education.

“At nineteen,” says one of his biographers, “we find him serving as a
common bargeman on a boat plying to New Orleans. In March, 1830, he
accompanied his father to Macon County, Illinois, and helped him to
build a log cabin for the family home, and he made enough rails to
fence in ten acres of land. The next year he was employed as a boat
builder to assist in building a flat-bottomed boat, which he afterwards
took to New Orleans, and upon his return his employer put him in charge
of a store in Illinois.

“In 1832, when the ‘Black Hawk War’ broke out, he joined a company
of Volunteer Rifles; and such was his popularity that he was almost
immediately unanimously chosen captain by his comrades--an unexpected
piece of good fortune which he often said gave him greater pleasure
than any subsequent success in life. Here he served for three months
only, when he was proposed as a candidate for the Legislature of
Illinois, but his opponents being in a majority he was defeated. Soon
after this he was appointed post-master of New Salem; and now, having
a little leisure time on his hands, he began to study law, borrowing
of an evening books from a neighbouring lawyer, and returning them the
next morning.

“A survey of Sangamon County was ordered by the Government about this
time, and the surveyor offered to depute Mr. Lincoln to survey that
portion of the work lying in his part of the county. Nothing daunted,
he procured a treatise on surveying, and after reading it, purchased a
compass and chain, and _did the work_.

“In 1834 he was elected member of the Legislature of Illinois by a
large majority, and was re-elected in 1836, 1838, and 1840. In 1836 he
obtained a licence to practice law, and he removed to Springfield,
where he entered into partnership with a Mr. Stuart, and rose rapidly
in public favour, being very successful as an advocate in jury trials.

“In 1834 he was elected as one of the members of Congress for Illinois.
As soon as his Congressional term had expired, he returned to the
study of the law until 1856, when we find him nominated for the
Vice-Presidency by the Illinois delegates to the Republican States
Convention of that year, but this nomination was overruled.

“Two years afterwards and the Convention met at Springfield, and he
was unanimously elected as a candidate for the Senate in opposition
to Mr. Douglas. In 1860 the Convention met at Chicago to ballot for a
candidate for the Presidency, and after a severe and prolonged struggle
Abraham Lincoln was elected President of the United States of America.”

The fearful struggle which commenced upon his elevation to the high
office of President, is by far too recent to necessitate description.
Suffice it to say that from the commencement to the end, the great
trait in Lincoln’s character was ever active, viz., indomitable
perseverance. This valuable characteristic served him in lieu of more
brilliant qualities, and enabled him to outreach men of far larger
capacity and infinitely higher genius. He was brutally assassinated
in the presence of his wife and friends by John Wilkes Booth, while
witnessing a dramatic representation at Washington, on the 14th day of
April, 1865.




ABE LINCOLN, THE GREAT AMERICAN JESTER.


_Lincoln and Meagher._

On Lincoln’s receiving a dispatch from Meagher, the Irish General,
stating that he had succeeded in capturing an entire division of the
seceders, the president remarked that “it was good news, if true; but
he suspected it was _Meagher_ (mere) humbug!”


_Hooker’s Appointment._

When Seaward proposed that fighting Joe Hooker should have the command
of an entire brigade, Lincoln expressed an approval upon the ground
that they “must win by Hook-_er_ by Crook” (hook or by crook).


_Cut Cavendish._

Upon being interrogated why Americans used so much tobacco, Abe replied
“because they _chews_” (choose).


_Commodore Wilks._

When the president heard of the capture of Slidell and Mason on board
the _Trent_, he foresaw that it would be likely to breed a rupture with
England, but dismissed the consideration of it by saying that “should
the commander’s foolish conduct place him in difficulties, he would not
fail to give Wilks a _hoister_ (an oyster).” On another occasion in
alluding to the same personage and affair, he remarked that “it would
serve _Wilks_ right if he lost his _place_” (plaice).


_A proper Cognomen._

When Captain Frye, the son of Canon Frye, was, for his distinguished
bravery at the Battle of Bull’s Run, jokingly alluded to by Sumner
as a son of a gun. Old Abe remarked that “he could with far greater
propriety call him a son of a _Canon_” (cannon).


_A Princely Pun._

Upon hearing that our Prince, Alfred, had declined to become King of
the Greeks, Abraham remarked that “the reason he did not mount the
throne of Greece was because he preferred his own native _isle_” (oil).


_A Severe Retort._

General Grant once applied for permission to be employed in a special
service on the ground that he commanded none but tried men. “Yes,”
replied the president, “I admit the truthfulness of your plea, for if
they have not been tried in the field they have been _tried_ elsewhere!”


_Conundrum._

“Come, Chase,” said Lincoln, on one occasion while sitting
_tete-a-tete_ with the great American financier, “I will give you a
conundrum: Why is a man who deals in stale jokes like a stock-jobber?”
After sundry ineffectual attempts upon the part of his friend to find
an answer, the presidential joker gave the following for a reply:
“Because he deals in _fun dead_ (funded) property.”


_A Grumbler Answered._

A certain well-known American grumbler once appeared before the
president to obtain the dismissal of General Grant upon the ground of
drunkenness. “Why,” exclaimed the faultfinder, “he, on one occasion,
drank twelve bottles of wine at a sitting.” “That,” said Lincoln, “is
more than I can swallow.”


_Loquacity._

A very loquacious personage once applied for a government situation
upon the ground that he had no other mode of obtaining a living, having
tried several shops and failed at each! “I cannot grant your request,”
was the president’s reply, “but I would suggest that you tried a
_tongue_ shop.”


_A Slashing Inuendo._

When President Lincoln visited the army of the Potomac, a captain with
a face cut and slashed in all directions, complained of the great want
of ambulances and the consequent sufferings of the wounded. “I will do
my best,” replied Abe, “to supply the deficiency,” and then, turning to
another, he remarked that “the captain had no right to complain of the
number of his (s) cars.”


_Scriptural Criticism._

Abe Lincoln, who is by no means a bad judge of paintings, was shewn a
picture done by a very indifferent hand, and asked to give an opinion
of it. “Why,” said the president, the “painter is a very good painter,
and observes the Lord’s commandments.” “What do you mean by that, Mr.
Lincoln?” said a well-known member of the senate, who was standing by.
“Why, I think,” answered Abraham, “that he hath not made to himself the
likeness of anything that is in the heaven above, or that is in the
earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.”


_A Poultry (paltry) War._

A crony of Abe’s--a man named Payne, was appointed a general at
Illinois; in reference to his election the following is recorded, which
the president tells with great _gusto_: One day a wealthy old lady,
whose plantation was in the vicinity of the camp, came in and inquired
for General Payne. When the commander made his appearance, the old
lady in warm language told him that his men had stolen her last coop
of chickens, and demanded its restoration or its value in money. “I am
sorry for you, madam,” replied the general, “but I can’t help it. The
fact is, Madam, we are determined to squelch out the rebellion, if it
cost every d----d chicken in Tennessee.”


_Lincoln on Physic._

Lincoln once said of an apothecary, that his employment was to pour
drugs, of which he knew little, into a body of which he knew less.


_False Accusation._

When General Peck attempted to take Blackwater, in Virginia, fear was
expressed, that from his known sternness, he would compromise the
honour of the Federal cause by giving the place up to pillage. “No
fear,” said Lincoln, “it takes more _pecks_ than one to make a _sack_.”


_How to make Foes._

“When I give away a place,” said Lincoln, to a person who was
continually importuning him, “I discover that I always make a hundred
foes to one friend.”


_Tough Job._

“Constant practice as a rail-splitter,” said Lincoln “gave me a
thorough knowledge of the various grain found in wood, but I never
thought ebony would be so tough to work upon, as I have found it to be
since I took to dealing with these d--d <DW65>s.”


_The only alternative._

“How shall we get cotton” said a northern manufacturer to the
president. “Well, I suppose you must just wait till the southerners
_get worsted_,” was Abe’s reply.


_Abe’s Difficulties._

A celebrated American Explorer, while chatting with the president, said
that in his late attempt to discover the remains of the unfortunate Sir
John Franklin and his crew, he passed through Davis’-straits. “Did you,
by God,” said Abe, “then, I should think you are the only person on
earth who could pass through mine.”


_Misnomers._

“What are you?” said Lincoln, to a man dressed in fustian, who rudely
accosted him in the streets of Washington. “I am a civil engineer”
was the reply. “Then,” said the president, “you are like the war now
raging, sadly mis-named, for there is nothing civil about you.”


_Deficiency of Fuel._

A ship was lately dispatched by Welles to endeavour to capture the
celebrated Southern cruiser, yclept the _Alabama_. After the ship had
been absent a short time it was discovered that the supply of coals was
deficient. The coals had been supplied by a celebrated New York dealer
in that commodity named Heaven. Upon the matter being mentioned to
Lincoln, he replied, “Well, he ought to have telegraphed to _Heaven_
for more coals.”


_A Queer Compliment._

When Lincoln sent Admiral ---- to enforce the blockade at Charlestown
and Wellington, he said “there was no chance of failure, as the person
sent carried with him a _blockhead_ that nothing could penetrate.”


_A slight addition._

A New York lawyer was desirous of being appointed as a judge. “There
are only ten,” he exclaimed, “to transact the whole of the state’s
affairs.” “And so you want to increase them to one hundred,” said
Lincoln. “How so,” said the applicant. “Why, by adding a cipher to
them.”


_Preaching out West._

Lincoln is very fond of repeating the following: “I knew an old
preacher, out west, who, on a very cold day, when describing hell,
said ‘it was an awful place and that the cold was unbearable.’ One of
his congregation, at the close of the sermon, took upon himself to ask
the preacher why he had described hell as being cold, when all eminent
divines said it was the very reverse. ‘Oh, sir,’ said the preacher, ‘I
had good reason, for if I had preached the reverse, I should have had
them running away to warm themselves.’”


_Tom Thumb._

“I understand, General,” said Lincoln, addressing the celebrated
dwarf, Tom Thumb, “that you are about to have the first instalment of
a family.” “Yes,” was the general’s reply. “Well,” said the president,
“I trust it will be a boy.” “Why,” interrogated the dwarf. “Because I
should like your infant to increase my infantry.”


_How a Black’s Made._

  “I tell you,” said Seward to Lincoln, one day,
    “Everything you proclaim is quite right,
  But to arm the poor <DW65> is not quite the thing,
    For two blacks never yet made a white.”
  “You are wrong, they are equal, no matter their hue,
    And I’ll prove that in judgment you lack:
  Only give me your help, and united I’ll prove,
    That two _whites_ can at least make a _black_.”
  “My service you claim, and freely ’tis given;
    Now, the truth of your promise let’s see.”
  He wrote, “manumission,” then cried, “It is done:
    _For a black’s never made till he’s free!_”


_Abe’s First Joke._

Abe Lincoln, when a boy, had an uncle who kept a mill down west.
Noticing that the mill was going very slow, the young joker, on
meeting the miller, said, he could eat the meal faster than the mill
ground it. “How long could you do so?” said his uncle, struck by the
boy’s remark. “Why, ’till I _starved to death_,” replied the young
incorrigible.


_A Wonderful Child._

“American babies,” said Lincoln, during the time of the celebrated
baby show, “lick all babies. I have seen one in Massachusetts, only
six months old, sitting in its mother’s lap, viewing its own cradle,
to see if it could not invent a better, or, at least, suggest some
improvement.”


_How to stop thieves._

“Friend Lincoln,” said a celebrated Western farmer, one day, to the
president, “thee knows almost everything; can thee tell me how I am
to preserve my small beer in the back yard? My neighbours are often
tapping it of nights.”--“Put a barrel of old Madeira by the side of it,
let the rogues but get a taste of that, and I warrant they’ll never
touch your small beer any more.”


_Hopping the twig._

“It is no use, president; wherever I go,” said an officer appointed to
enforce the draft, “I find the houses shut up, and the bird flown.” “I
see,” said the president, “they are _afraid of the draft_.”


_The best saddles._

There was a dispute at Washington about which were the best saddles
for the Federal Cavalry. Lincoln said “the best saddles were decidedly
saddles of mutton.”


_An offer rejected._

When Blondin was performing his daring feats at Niagara, he asked
Lincoln “if he would mind trusting himself on his back.” The answer
was somewhat prophetic, and as follows: “I shall not trust your rope!”
(Europe).


_A decided smasher._

“That paper must be rigorously dealt with,” said Welles. “I have
already,” said Lincoln “contrived to divide America, and you now want
me to smash the _Globe_!”


_Artillery Practice._

When is was reported that General Blunt had let the rebel cavalry
escape. The President remarked to the Chief of the War Department,
that “the appointment of such a man was a piece of folly, for how
could it be expected that _Blunt_ could be _Sharp_.”


_A curious addition._

“Is it not curious, General,” said Abe to McClellan, “that whenever a
piece of field artillery is fired, that the number of animals attending
it is increased?” “How so?” said the famous Northern General. “Why,”
said Lincoln, “it then has not only its four horses in front, but it
has also _its moke_ behind.”


_The Cost of War._

“Your fighting, General,” said Lincoln, to a general who had returned
disabled, “has been an expensive affair to you.” “How so” “Why,” said
the president, “it has cost you a _leg I see_” (legacy.)


_In memory of._

To commemorate the battle of Bull’s run, the Yankees are about to build
an hotel there. On hearing of this, Lincoln remarked that “there was a
_hot hell_ there before.”


_A Crocodile’s age._

Abe Lincoln prides himself on being the first to make known the means
of ascertaining the age of crocodiles. He says that a <DW64> acquainted
him with the fact that a sort of bag is placed in the intestines of
the crocodiles, which always contains a number of stones corresponding
with the years of its life, it being the custom of these animals to
swallow a stone on their birthday.


_No Thanks._

Abe, at one of his morning levees, had a visitor who introduced
himself as one of the President’s best friends, and soliciting a
government post then vacant as the gift of Abe, urged his claim for the
appointment upon the ground that it was solely through the applicant’s
exertions Mr. Lincoln was elected president. “Oh, indeed;” said Abe, “I
now look upon the man, who of all men, has crowned my existence with a
crown of thorns--no post for you in my gift, I assure you; I wish you
good morning.”


_Merry-Making._

When the Merrimac was about to be christened. The president remarked,
“that it was a somewhat strange _title_ as the ship was built, to make
mourning rather than _make merry_.”


_A Husband’s Wit._

MRS. L-- was, one day, engaged in making an apple pie, and in the
operation contrived to besmear her face with the _batter_. The
president observing the same, asked her “the loan of her _batter eye_”
(battery).


_The cause discovered._

When the Federals flew before the Southerners at Bull’s run. Lincoln
remarked that “it resulted from the army having _too many wings_.”


_Byronic._

Lincoln, upon hearing that an old friend of his had gone to Utah, said
“he supposed he had gone to spend his _latter days_ among the _Mormon
knights_.”


_A satisfactory conclusion._

When Lincoln read the account of Bull’s run, wherein it said that the
Northern army was knocked into a cocked hat. Lincoln drily remarked
that “he supposed it had been caught _napping_.”


_A mother’s alarm._

A lady was lamenting to the president that her only son had gone to
the war, and asked him what she had better do. “Oh,” he replied, “you
can’t do better than buy him _a life preserver_.”


_Punning again._

Governor Seymour telegraphed to Lincoln during the late riots in New
York City, that there was no occasion to act so harshly and drag so
many citizens off to prison. The reply was that “he (the president)
thought quite differently, and that he should never be content till
he’d _see more_ (Seymour) there.”


_Idol._

“There you are,” said Mrs. Lincoln one day to her husband--at your idol
again--alluding to his well-known love of tobacco. “Yes, my dear,” was
his reply, “_I am burning it._”


_A Word for the Irish._

A lieutenant told the president that of all the men that composed his
regiment, the Irish gave him the greatest amount of uneasiness. “Sir,”
was Lincoln’s reply, “our enemies, the rebels, make the same complaint.”


_Skill of a Young Officer._

McClellan was once speaking to the President of a promising young
officer who was slain at the cattle of Bull’s run. “Oh,” said the
American Chief, “if there was doubt about his being skilled while
living, no one doubts but that _he’s_ (s) _killed_ now.”


_A foot in it._

When Admiral Foote was appointed to command the South Atlantic
squadron, he bade Welles to see that the Admiral’s ship was quite
sea-worthy. “How is it you are so particular,” said the Naval Chief.
“Why,” said Lincoln, with a chuckle, “have I not placed my _Foot_ in
it.”


_Lincoln to Ewell_,

ON HIS NOT FORCING HILL TO CROSS THE POTOMAC.

  “Dear Ewell,” wrote Lincoln, one day in a pet,
    “Your tactics have ended in loss;
  You have let Hill escape, I will venture to bet,
    It’s _myself_ and not him you made _cross_.
  Why were you so blinded by Hill’s little _ruse_?
    It is shameful--nay, more; it is cruel;
  Your failures, disasters, really give one the blues,
    And I wish I could only make _you Hill_” (you ill).


_Shakspearian Query._

Abraham is known to be very fond of Shakspeare, yet at times, to
indulge in a joke, even at the expense of his favourite. A short time
since, he wrote as follows to a popular actor, with whom he is known
to be on intimate terms:--

“In _Hamlet_, Act II., Scene 2, is this:--

  “‘_King._ He tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath found the head and
  source of all your son’s distemper.’

  “‘_Queen._ I doubt it is no other but the _main_.’

“Tell me, does her Majesty imply that _Hamlet_ suffered from
sea-sickness?”

The reply was that the actor believed that it was not the _main_ cause.


_Running Comment._

On hearing that an American composer was engaged in writing a national
hymn----, the President hinted that “He hoped that it would not have
too many _runs_ in it.”


_An Impossibility._

“The Americans,” said Chase, “at the present crisis, must not be
extravagant--they must live _under_ their incomes.” “How can they do
that,” said the President, “when there is no alternative but their
living _on_ them.”


_Jack’s Opinion._

The President narrates the following story:--“While passing along
the streets of New York, one day, I met a Jack Tar. ‘What ship,’ I
enquired, ‘do you belong to?’ ‘What odds is that to you,’ was the
reply. ‘Do you know who I am,’ I exclaimed. ‘No.’ ‘Why, I am the
President.’ Then, said Jack, ‘_You have a damned good berth of it!_’”


_The House of Congress._

“That house,” said Abe, “is a swan house--all white and fair outside,
but only think of the black-legs that are working out of sight.”

[This, if ever said by the President, is an adaptation from Douglas
Jerrold.]


_Abe Lincoln’s opinion of a man’s strength._

Upon the receipt of the news that ---- had carried Fort Nagher--the
President drily remarked that “He must be a very _strong man_!”


_The Fall of Pride._

An enthusiastic Englishman once said to the President, that the Niagara
river was the pride of rivers. “Yes,” was the reply, “but that pride
has a tremendous fall.”


_The Captain’s Reply._

  “We’re short of prog, said Captain B----,
    When going on a trip;
  And as we’ve little got to eat,
    We’ll dine off the ship.
  Fear not, but keep your powder dry,
    And place faith in the Lord;
  You’ve naught to fear, for seamen cooks
    Can always cook a-board.
  The captain quickly did reply,
    While standing by the wheel,
  ’Tis little, Abe’rm, that we have--
    How can we cook _a deal_.”


_A Strange Similarity._

“Why is the Northern army,” asked the President, “like the post-office
at Washington?” “Because it is made up of columns, wings, and squares,
and, judging from the past, it is also _doomed_.”


_Economy._

“There is no nonsense about these sardines,” said Mrs. Lincoln, “they
are genuine, and came from the Mediterranean.” “Yes,” said Lincoln,
“and if you leave them to themselves _they will go a great deal
farther_.”


_Where Punch got his Cartoon from._

When Lincoln sent contributions to the Northern army, he wrote to
General ---- as follows:--“Dear Sir,--Knowing that the army under your
charge requires purging, I herewith send you a _black draft_.”--Yours,
Lincoln.


_Pun upon Pun._

The facetious president thus wrote to a friend in Scotland:--

“As however, I am somewhat partial to female authors (Scotch or
otherwise), don’t forget to remember me to all the _blue belles_ of
Scotland, and to as many _primroses_ as you can find. The remembrance
may produce a little _heart’s ease_, and cause their _two-lips_ to
bless you.”


_Lincoln at the Play._

I had the pleasure on Monday night of seeing “Macbeth” rendered upon
the stage of Messrs. Wallack and Devonport, and also of seeing Mr.
Lincoln present at the same time. It is Mr. Lincoln’s favourite play,
and one could not repress a certain curiosity to know (though he
is familiar with them as he is with stump speaking, doubtless) how
certain passages would strike him. When the following passage between
Malcolm and Macduff was pronounced the audience was suddenly silent as
the grave:--

  _Mal._--Let me seek out some desolate shade,
  and there weep our bosoms empty.

  _Macd._             Let us rather
  Hold fast the mortal sword, and like good men
  Bestride our downfall’n birthdom. Each new morn
  New widows howl, new orphans cry, new sorrows
  Strike on the face of heaven, that it resounds
  As if it felt with Scotland and yelled out
  Like syllable of dolour.

Mr. Lincoln leaned back in his chair in the shade after this sentence
was pronounced, and for a long time wore a sad, sober face, as if
suddenly his thoughts had wandered from the playroom far away to where
his great armies contest with the rebellious of a vast empire.


_A Ludicrous Mistake._

“Who has been guilty of these crimes,” said Lincoln, alluding to those
committed by New York electioneering agents, “Donohue,” was the reply.
“Then learn out as speedily as possible.”


_A Southern Estimate._

When informed that General Stoughton had been captured by the rebels at
Fairfax, the President is reported to have said that he did not mind
the loss of the Brigadier as much as he did the loss of the horses.
“For,” said he, “I can make a much better Brigadier in five minutes,
but the horses cost a hundred and twenty-five dollars a-piece.”


_Strong Habits._

“Well,” said the President, after the last repulse before Richmond,
“them blessed ‘babies’ do fight, and the old chaps lifted from their
graves are at any rate from the right _mould_; the babies are like
young puppies that can stand a deal of licking, and the old boys are
too old to _run_!”


_How to Fight._

  “Those Southerners fight! its all blarney,” said Abe;
  “Put your swords in your sheath, boys, and lick Hills;
  “But a man without a sword is at fighting a babe
  “Then, damn-me, said Abe, use your _Sickles_!”


_A Majority Wanted._

When it was reported to Abe Lincoln that the men engaged in the coal
pits had refused to fight the old joker said, “He didn’t expect miners
(minors) to fight;” “but stay,” said Lincoln, “is there no way of
making Majors of these minors?”


_A Story concerning a Second Term._

It is said that, some time ago, a gentleman hinted to the President
that it was deemed quite settled that he would accept a re-nomination
for his present office, whereupon Mr. Lincoln was reminded of a story
of Jesse Dubois, out in Illinois. Jesse as State Auditor, had charge of
the State House at Springfield. An itinerant preacher came along and
asked the use of it for a lecture.

“On what subject?” asked Jesse.

“On the second coming of our Saviour,” answered the long-faced
Millerite.

“Oh, bosh,” retorted Uncle Jesse, testily; “I guess if our Saviour had
ever been to Springfield, and had got away with his life, he’d be too
smart to think of coming back again.”

This, Mr. Lincoln said, was very much his case about the succession.


_Estimate of Official Honours._

As a further elucidation of Mr. Lincoln’s estimation of Presidential
honours, a story is told of how a supplicant for office of more than
ordinary pretensions called upon him, and, presuming on the activity
he had shown in behalf of the Republican ticket, asserted, as a reason
why the office should be given to him, that he had made Mr. Lincoln
president.

“You made me President, did you?” said Mr. Lincoln, with a twinkle of
his eye.

“I think I did,” said the applicant.

“Then a precious mess you’ve got me into, that’s all,” replied the
President, and closed the discussion.


_Truly Awful._

“When do you think this war will be ended, Mr. Lincoln?” said an
impatient citizen. “Why, when we have whipped the slaveowners.” “Then
I’m thinking,” replied the citizen, “that you will never live to see
its close. I have already seen its clothes, and they are the most
blood-stained and bespattered lot I ever saw. But I _trow_, sir, war
is sure to spoil the _habits_ of a people, especially when they go to
sleep in breeches.”


_Presidential Puns._

When it was told to Lincoln that a division of Burnside’s had been
entrapped into a _cul de sac_, Lincoln _said_ he’d cull the _sack_ for
his stupidity.


_A Liberal Giver._

Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a
“little story,” but often indulges in a veritable joke. One of the
latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the
varioloid; he had been recently very much worried by people asking
favours. “Well,” said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon
him, “I’ve got something now that I can give to everybody.” About
the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in
forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster,
in full major’s attire, was one day introduced at a public reception.
“Being here, Mr. Lincoln,” said he, “I thought I’d call and pay my
respects.” “From the complaints of the soldiers,” responded the
President, “I guess that’s about all any of you can pay.”


_Coffee versus Tea._

It is told by a Federal correspondent, who is probably “reliable,”
that Mr. Lincoln was walking up Pennsylvania Avenue the other day,
relating “a little story” to Secretary Seward, when the latter called
his attention to a new sign bearing the name of “T. R. Strong.” “Ha!”
says old Abe, his countenance lighting up with a peculiar smile, “T. R.
Strong, but coffee are stronger.” Seward smiled, but made no reply. [We
don’t see how he could reply after so atrocious a thing as that.]


_Lincoln on Skedaddle._

  “Don’t talk to me bosh! I am sick