VOL. 98, APRIL 5, 1890***


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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 98

APRIL 5, 1890.







MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

JOURNALISTIC.

"_The Prisoner, who was fashionably attired, and of genteel
appearance_;" _i.e._, An ill-got-up swell-mobsman.

"_A powerful-looking fellow_;" _i.e._, An awful ruffian.

"_A rumour has reached us_"--(in the well-nigh impenetrable recesses
wherein, as journalists, we habitually conceal ourselves).

"_Nothing fresh has transpired_;" _i.e._, The local Reporter's invention
is at last exhausted.

"_The Prisoner seemed fully alive to the very serious position in which
he was placed_;" _i.e._, He occasionally wiped his mouth on his
knuckles.

"_The proceedings were kept up until an advanced hour_;" _i.e._, The
Reporter left early.

SOCIAL.

"_I'm so sorry I've forgotten to bring my Music_;" _i.e._, I'm not going
to throw away my singing on these people.

"_Dear me, this is a surprise to meet you here! I didn't, you see, know
you were in Town_;" _i.e._, By which I wish her to understand that I
hadn't seen that prominent account of her Mid-Lent dance (_for which I
had received no invitation_) that appeared in last Thursday's _Morning
Post_.

"_Never heard it recited better. Wonder you don't go on the Stage_;"
_i.e._, Then one needn't come and hear you; now one can't keep out of
your way.

FOR SHOW SUNDAY.

"_Shall you have many Pictures in this year?_" _i.e._, He'll jump for
joy if he gets one in.

"_Is your big Picture going to Burlington House or the Grosvenor?_"
_i.e._, They wouldn't have it at an East-End Free Art Show.

"_By Jove, dear boy, Burne-Jones will have to look to his laurels?_"
_i.e._, Green mist and gawky girls, as usual!

"_What I love about your pictures, dear Mr. Stodge, is their Subtle
Ideal treatment, so different, &c., &c.?_" _i.e._, 'Tisn't like anything
on earth.

"_Best thing you've done for years, my boy; and, mark my words, it'll
create a sensation!_" _i.e._, Everybody says it'll be a great go, and I
may as well be in it.

"_Entre nous, I don't think Millais' landscape is to be compared with
it?_" _i.e._, I should hope not--for MILLAIS' sake.

"_Fancy hanging him on the line, and skying you! It's too bad?_" _i.e._,
His picture is.

"_Glad you haven't gone in for mere 'pretty, pretty,' this time, old
man_;" _i.e._, It's ugly enough for a scarecrow.

"_My dear Sir, it's as mournfully impressive as a Millet_;" _i.e._, Dull
skies and dowdy peasants!

"_Well, it's something in these days to see a picture one can get a
laugh out of_;" _i.e._, Or at!

AUCTIONEERING.

"_Every Modern Convenience_;" _i.e._, Electric-bells and disconnected
drain-pipes.

"_Cheap and Commodious Flat_;" _i.e._, Seven small square rooms, with no
outlook, at about the rent of a Hyde Park mansion.

"_A Desirable Residence_;" _i.e._, To get out of.

PLATFORMULARS.

"_And thus bring to a triumphant issue the fight in which we are
engaged_;" _i.e._, Thank Heaven, I managed to get off my peroration all
right.

"_Our great Leader_;" _i.e._, "That's sure to make them cheer, and will
give me time to think."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SOCIAL ECONOMY.

_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I'M WRITING TO ASK THE BROWNS TO MEET THE JONESES HERE
AT DINNER, AND TO THE JONESES TO MEET THE BROWNS. WE OWE THEM BOTH, YOU
KNOW."

_Mr. Scrooge._ "BUT I'VE HEARD THEY'VE JUST QUARRELLED, AND DON'T
SPEAK!"

_Mrs. Scrooge._ "I KNOW. THEY'LL REFUSE, AND WE NEEDN'T GIVE A DINNER
PARTY AT ALL!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

"MY CURATE."

    [The _Law Times_ mentions that a photograph of a well-dressed and
    good-looking gentleman has been sent to it, with the words "My
    Advocate" beneath. On the back are the name and address of a
    Solicitor.]

SCENE--_Drowsiham Vicarage._ Vicar _and Family discovered seated at
breakfast-table. Time--Present._

_The Vicar._ I only advertised for a Curate in last Saturday's _Church
Papers_, and already I have received more than sixty applications by the
post, all of them, apparently, from persons of the highest
respectability, whose views, too, happen to coincide entirely with my
own! Dear me! I suppose these may be called the "Clerical Unemployed."

_Elder Daughter (giddily)._ Pa! Have any of them sent photos?

_Vicar._ Yes, all of them. It seems to be the new method to inclose
_cartes-de-visite_ with testimonials.

_Younger Daughter._ Now I shall be able to fill up my Album!

_Elder Daughter (who has been running her eye over the pictures)._ This
is the pick of the lot, Pa. Take him! Such a dear! He's got an eyeglass,
and whiskers, and curly hair, and seems quite young!

_Younger Daughter (thoughtfully)._ It's a pity we can't lay in _two_
Curates while we are about it.

_Vicar._ Hem! A rather nice-looking young man, certainly. Let's see what
he says about himself. The new system saves a lot of trouble, as
candidates for posts write down their qualifications on the back of
their photographs.

_Elder Daughter (reading)._ "Views strictly orthodox." Oh, bother views!
Here's something better--"Very Musical Voice"--the _darling_! He _looks_
as if he had a musical voice. "Warranted not to go beyond fifteen
minutes in preaching." Delicious!

_Vicar's Wife._ I don't know if the parishioners will like _that_.

_Both Daughters (together)._ But _we_ shall!

_Elder Daughter (continues reading)._ "Quite content to preach only in
the afternoons. No attempts to rival Vicar's eloquence." What _does_ he
mean?

_Vicar (cordially)._ I know! I think he'll do very well. _Just_ the sort
of man I want!

_Elder Daughter._ Ha! Listen to this! "Can play the banjo, and
twenty-six games of lawn-tennis without fatigue." The pet!

_Younger Daughter._ Perfectly engaging! Oh, Pa, wire to him _at once_!

_Elder Daughter (turning pale)._ Stop! What is this? "Very steady and
respectable. _Has been engaged to be married for past three years!_"
Call _him_ engaging, indeed! No chance of it. The wretch!

_Younger Daughter._ A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing! Can't you prosecute him,
Pa?

_Vicar (meditatively)._ I might--in the Archbishop's Court. Really this
new self-recommend