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PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 150.

MAY 31, 1916.


[Illustration: _Retired Major (to mendicant who has claimed to have seen
service in the South African War)._ "WRETCHED IMPOSTOR! THAT IS AN
INDIAN MUTINY RIBBON."

_Mendicant._ "LUMME! IS IT?"]

       *       *       *       *       *




CHARIVARIA.


A conscientious objector told the Cambridge tribunal that he could not
pass a butcher's shop without shuddering. The suggestion that he should
obviate the shudders by going inside seems almost too simple a solution.

     *   *   *

According to a report of the committee appointed to investigate the
matter, water is the best agent for suppressing conflagrations caused
by bombs. It is not suggested, however, that other remedies now in
use for the purpose, such as the censorship of the Press, should be
completely abandoned.

     *   *   *

According to Reuter (whom we have no reason to doubt) a campaign is now
being waged in German East Africa against giraffes, which have been
inconveniencing our telegraphic system by scratching the wires with
their necks. It will be remembered that the policy of using giraffes
instead of telegraph poles was adopted by the War Office in the face
of a strong body of adverse opinion.

     *   *   *

It is reported that, as the result of the prohibition by Sweden of the
exportation of haddock, salmon, cleverly disguised to resemble the
former, are being sold by unscrupulous fishmongers in the Mile End Road.

     *   *   *

An arsenal worker has pleaded for exemption on the ground that he had
seven little pigs to look after. The Tribunal however promised him that
in the German trenches he would find as many full-grown pigs to look
after as the heart of man could desire.

     *   *   *

"In showing how to use as little meat as possible," says a contemporary
in the course of a review of the Thrift Exhibition of the National
School of Cookery, "a cook mixed the steak for her pudding in with
the pastry." This is a striking improvement upon the old-fashioned
method of serving the pastry by itself and mixing the steak with the
banana-fritters.

     *   *   *

"A cricketer from the Front" (says an evening paper) "believes a lot of
fellows would escape wounds if they would watch missiles more carefully."
It would, of course, be better still if there was a really courageous
umpire to cry "No-ball" in all cases of objectionable delivery.

     *   *   *

Addressing the staff at SELFRIDGE's on Empire Day, Mr. GORDON SELFRIDGE
said he was glad that President WILSON, "who had had his ear to the ground
for a long time, had at last seemed to realise that the American nation
was at heart wholly with the principles that animated the Allies in
this world struggle." But why put his ear to the ground to listen? Does
he imagine that the heart of the American nation is in its boots?

     *   *   *

The Lord Mayor of LONDON states that he expects that within a couple of
years he will be able to reach his estate, seventy miles from London,
in half-an-hour by aeroplane. We hope his prophecy may be realised,
but we cannot help wondering what would happen if his aeroplane were
to turn turtle on the way.

     *   *   *

A legal point has been raised as to whether a woman who, while attempting
to kill a wasp, breaks her neighbour's window is liable for damages.
Counsel is understood to have expressed the view that, if the defendant
had broken plaintiff's window while trespassing through the same
in pursuit of the wasp, or had failed to give the wasp a reasonable
opportunity of departing peaceably, or if it could be shown that the
wasp had not previously exhibited a ferocious disposition, then judgment
must be for the plaintiff.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Here in a circular letter from the Home Office we find the
    sentence: 'The increase in the number of juvenile offenders is
    mainly caused by an increase of nearly 50 per cent. in cases
    of larceny.' In ordinary human language this only means that
    nearly twice as many children were caught thieving as in the
    year before. But it would be all that an official's place was
    worth to say so."

                                                          _The Nation._

Certainly it would, if his duties required a knowledge of elementary
arithmetic.

       *       *       *       *       *




THE BRITISH DRAGON.

    [The KAISER's Chancellor, in