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  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

            VOL. 107.

         August 11, 1894.




  LORD ORMONT'S MATE AND MATEY'S AMINTA.

      BY G***GE M*R*D*TH.

  VOLUME III.

And now the climax comes not with tongue-lolling sheep-fleece wolves,
ears on top remorselessly pricked for slaughter of the bleating imitated
lamb, here a fang pointing to nethermost pit not of stomach but of
Acheron, tail waving in derision of wool-bearers whom the double-rowed
desiring mouth soon shall grip, food for mamma-wolf and baby-wolf,
papa-wolf looking on, licking chaps expectant of what shall remain; and
up goes the clamour of flocks over the country-side, and up goes howling
of shepherds shamefully tricked by AEsop-fable artifice or doggish
dereliction of primary duty; for a watch has been set through which the
wolf-enemy broke paws on the prowl; and the King feels this, and the
Government, a slab-faced jubber-mubber of contending punies,
party-voters to the front, conscience lagging how far behind no man can
tell, and the country forgotten, a lout dragging his chaw-bacon hobnails
like a flask-fed snail housed safely, he thinks, in unbreakable shell
soon to be broken, and no man's fault, while the slow country sinks to
the enemy, ships bursting, guns jammed, and a dull shadow of defeat on a
war-office drifting to the tide-way of unimagined back-stops on a lumpy
cricket-field of national interests. But this was a climax revealed to
the world. The Earl was deaf to it. Lady CHARLOTTE dumbed it
surprisingly. Change the spelling, put a for u and n for b in the
dumbed, and you have the way MORSFIELD mouthed it, and MATEY swimming
with BROWNY full in the Harwich tide; head under heels up down they go
in Old Ocean, a glutton of such embraces, lapping softly on a pair of
white ducks tar-stained that very morning and no mistake.

"I have you fast!" cried MATEY.

"Two and two's four," said BROWNY. She slipped. "_Are_ four," corrected
he, a tutor at all times, boys and girls taken in and done for, and no
change given at the turnstiles.

"Catch as catch can," was her next word. Plop went a wave full in the
rosy mouth. "Where's the catch of this?" stuttered the man.

"A pun, a pun!" bellowed the lady. "But not by four-in-hand from
London."

She had him there. He smiled a blue acquiescence. So they landed, and
the die was cast, ducks changed, and the goose-pair braving it in dry
clothes by the kitchen fire. There was nothing else to be done; for the
answer confessed to a dislike of immersions two at a time, and the hair
clammy with salt like cottage-bacon on a breakfast-table.

Lord ORMONT sat with the jewels seized from the debating, unbeaten
sister's grasp.

"She is at Marlow," he opined.

"Was," put in Lady CHARLOTTE.

The answer blew him for memory.

"MORSFIELD's dead," his lordship ventured; "jobbed by a foil with button
off."

"And a good job too."

Lady CHARLOTTE was ever on the crest-wave of the moment's humour. He
snicked a back-stroke to the limits, shaking the sparse hair of
repentance to the wind of her jest. But the unabashed one continued.

"I'll not call on her."

"You shall," said he.

"Shan't," was her lightning-parry.

"You shall," he persisted.

"Never. Her head is a water-flower that speaks at ease in the open sea.
How call on a woman with a head like that?"

The shock struck him fair and square.

"We wait," he said, and the conflict closed with advantage to the
petticoat.

A footman bore a letter. His step was of the footman order, calves
stuffed to a longed-for bulbousness, food for donkeys if any such should
chance: he presented it.

"I wait," he murmured.

"Whence and whither comes it?"

"Postmark may tell."

"Best open it," said the cavalry general, ever on the dash for open
country where squadrons may deploy right shoulders up, serre-files in
rear, and a hideous clatter of serjeant-majors spread over all. He
opened it. It was AMINTA's letter. She announced a French leave-taking.
The footman still stood. Lord ORMONT broke the silence.

"Go and be----" the words quivered into completion, supply the blank who
will.

But her punishment was certain. For it must be thus. Never a lady left
her wedded husband, but she must needs find herself weighted with charge
of his grand-nephew. Cuckoo-tutor sits in General's nest, General's wife
to bear him company, and lo! the General brings a grand-nephew to the
supplanter, convinced of nobility beyond petty conventions of
divorce-court rigmarole. So the world wags wilful to the offshoot,
lawn-mowers grating, grass flying, and perspiring gardener slow in his
shirt-sleeves primed with hope of beer that shall line his lean ribs at
supper-time, nine o'clock is it, or eight--parishes vary, and a wife at
home has rules. A year later he wrote--

"SIR,--Another novel is on hand. Likely you will purchase. Readers gape
for it. Better than acrostics, they say, fit for fifty puzzle-pages.
What price?
                                   "G***GE M*R*D*TH."
                       THE END.

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: NO END TO HIS INIQUITIES.

  (_From a Yorkshire Moor._)

_Sportsman (awaiting the morrow, and meeting Keeper as he strolls
round)._ "WELL, RODGERS, THINGS LOOK FAIRLY HOPEFUL FOR TOMORROW, EH?"

_Rodgers (strong Tory)._ "WELL, SIR, MIDLIN', PRETTY MIDLIN'. BUT, OH
DEAR, IT'S AWK'ARD THIS 'ERE TWELFTH BEIN' FIXED OF A SUNDAY!" (_With
much wisdom._) "NOW, MIGHT MR. GLADSTONE HA' HAD HANYTHING TO DO WI'
THAT ARRANGEMENT, SIR?" ]

       *       *       *       *       *

  THE MARCH OF CIVILISATION.

(_From a Record in the Far East._)

_Step One._--The nation takes to learning the English language.

_Step Two._--Having learned the English language, the nation begins to
read British newspapers.

_Step Three._--Having mastered the meaning of the leaders, the nation
start a Parliament.

_Step Four._--Having got a Parliament, the nation establishes school
boards, railways, stockbrokers, and penny ices.

_Step Five._--Having become fairly civilised, the nation takes up art
and commerce.

_Step Six._--Having realised considerable wealth, the nation purchases
any amount of ironclads, heavy ordnance, and ammunition.

_Step Seven._--Having the means within reach, the nation indulges in a
terrific war.

_Step Eight and Last._--Having lost everything, the nation returns with
a sigh of relief to old-fashioned barbarism.

  [Illustration: THE TRIUMPH OF CIVILISATION!]

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: A HINT TO THE POSTAL AUTHORITIES.

THE EMPLOYMENT OF GOOD-LOOKING AND ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MEN IN CLEARING THE
LETTER-BOXES UNDOUBTEDLY RESULTS IN FREQUENT DETENTION OF THE MAILS.]

       *       *       *       *       *

  EASTWARD HO!

  "Oh East is East, and West is West," says strenuous RUDYARD KIPLING,
  And what has the West taught to the East,
    save the science of war, and tippling?
  To ram, and to torpedo, and to drain Drink's poisoned flagons?
  And Civilisation sees her work in--armour-plated Dragons!
  The saurians of primeval slime they fought with tooth and claw,
  And SHO-KI'S dragon, though possessed of wondrous powers of jaw,
  And MIOCHIN'S scaly monster, whereat SHO-KI'S pluck might melt,
  And the dragon speared by stout St. George in the bold cartoons
       of SKELT,--
  These were but simple monsters, like the giants slain by JACK,
  But your dragon cased in armour-plate with turrets on his back,
  And a charged torpedo twisted in his huge and horrid tail.
  Is a thing to stagger Science, and to make poor Peace turn pale!

  Yes, East is East, and West is West; but the West looks on the East,
  And sees the bold <DW61> summoning to War's wild raven-feast
  The saffron-faced Celestial; and the game they're going to play
  (With a touch of Eastern goriness) in the wicked Western way.
  For the yellow-man has borrowed from the white-man all that's bad,
  From shoddy and fire-water, to the costly Ironclad.
  He will not have our Bibles, but he welcomes our Big Guns,
  And he blends with the wild savagery of Vandals, Goths or Huns,
  The scientific slaughter of the Blood-and-Iron Teuton!--
  A sight that Civilisation would right willingly be mute on.
  But these armour-plated dragons that infest the Yellow Sea
  Are worse than the Norse "Dragons" whose black raven flag flew free
  O'er fiord and ocean-furrow in the valorous Viking days.
  Heathen Chinee and Pagan <DW61> have learned our Western ways
  Of multitudinous bloodshed; every slaughtering appliance,
  Devices of death-dealing skill, and deviltries of Science
  Strengthen the stealthy Mongol and the sanguinary Turk;
  And Civilisation stands, and stares, and cries,
    "Is this _my_ work?"

       *       *       *       *       *

  Mem. by a Muddled One.

  "Poems in Prose" seem all the go.
    _They_'re bad enough, but worse
  The dreary hotch-potch we all know
    Too sadly;--prose in verse!

       *       *       *       *       *

  OLD THREE-VOL.

  There rose two Book-Kings in the West,
    Two Kings both great and high;
  And they have sworn a solemn oath
    Good old Three-Vol. shall die.

  They took a pen and wrote him down,
    Piled sins upon his head;
  And they have sworn a solemn oath
    Good old Three-Vol. is dead.

  But when "the Season" comes once more,
    And folks for fiction call,
  Old Three-Vol. _may_ rise up again,
    And sore surprise them all!

       *       *       *       *       *

  REMNANTS.

  (_A Pindaric Fragment._)

    In the young season's prime
  Yon remnant felt its major portion reft,
    And waited for the surplus time
    Ingloriously left.

  For it no glories of the lawn,
  No whirling in the valse that greets the dawn,
  No record in the fleeting roll of fame
    That gives the wearer's name,
  And tells a waiting world what gown she wore;
    While that which went before
  No cheaply-sober destiny has found
    But graced fair Fashion's ground,
    Where Pleasure, gaily deck'd,
  Within the fancied circle of select,
  Watches the Polo cavalry at war,
  The victim pigeons tumbled in their gore,
  The rival Blues at Lord's, the racing steeds
    On Ascot's piney meads,
  Or where luxuriant Goodwood's massy trees
    Murmur to no common breeze,
  And see afar the glint of England's summer seas.

  Impute no fault, ye proud, nor grandeur mock,
    If frugal Elegance, discreet and fair,
    The aftermath of lavish Fashion reap,
    And, having waited long with nought to wear,
    Get the same goods, though late, and get them cheap.
    Next year the daintiest gowns by lawn and lock
    May haply be the fruit of surplus summer stock.

       *       *       *       *       *

POPE FOR THE EMANCIPATED SEX.--"The understudy of mankind is woman."

       *       *       *       *       *

  LYRE AND LANCET.

  (_A Story in Scenes._)

  PART VI.--ROUND PEGS IN SQUARE HOLES.

  SCENE IX.--_The Entrance Hall at Wyvern._

_Tredwell_ (_to_ Lady CANTIRE). This way, if you please, my lady. Her
ladyship is in the Hamber Boudwore.

_Lady Cantire._ Wait. (_She looks round._) What has become of that young
Mr. ANDROM----? (_Perceiving_ SPURRELL, _who has been modestly
endeavouring to efface himself._) Ah, _there_ he is! Now, come along,
and be presented to my sister-in-law. She'll be enchanted to know you!

_Spurrell._ But indeed, my lady I--I think I'd better wait till she
sends for me.

_Lady Cant._ Wait? Fiddlesticks! What! A famous young man like you!
Remember _Andromeda_, and don't make yourself so ridiculous!

_Spurr._ (_miserably_). Well, Lady CANTIRE, if her ladyship _says_
anything, I hope you'll bear me out that it wasn't----

_Lady Cant._ Bear you out? My good young man, you seem to need somebody
to bear you _in_! Come, you are under My wing. _I_ answer for your
welcome--so do as you're told.

_Spurr._ (_to himself, as he follows resignedly_). It's my belief
there'll be a jolly row when I _do_ go in; but it's not my fault!

_Tred._ (_opening the door of the Amber Boudoir_), Lady CANTIRE and Lady
MAISIE MULL. (_To_ SPURRELL.) What name, if you please, Sir?

_Spurr._ (_dolefully_). You can say "JAMES SPURRELL"--you needn't
_bellow_ it, you know!

_Tred._ (_ignoring this suggestion_). Mr. JAMES SPURRELL.

_Spurr._ (_to himself, on the threshold_). If I don't get the chuck for
this, I _shall_ be surprised, that's all!

                              [_He enters._

  [Illustration: "What name, if you please, Sir?"]

  SCENE X.--_In a Fly._

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Alone with a lovely girl, who has no
suspicion, as yet, that I am the poet whose songs have thrilled her with
admiration! _Could_ any situation be more romantic? I think I must keep
up this little mystification as long as possible.

_Phillipson_ (_to herself_). I wonder who he is. _Somebody's_ Man, I
suppose. I do believe he's struck with me. Well, I've no objection. I
don't see why I shouldn't forget JIM now and then--he's quite forgotten
me! (_Aloud._) They might have sent a decent carriage for us instead of
this ramshackle old summerhouse. We shall be _hours_ getting to the
house at this rate!

_Und._ (_gallantly_). For my part, I care not how long we may be. I feel
so unspeakably content to be where I am.

_Phill._ (_disdainfully_). In this mouldy, lumbering old concern? You
must be rather easily contented, then!

_Und._ (_dreamily_). It travels only too swiftly. To me it is a
veritable enchanted car, drawn by a magic steed.

_Phill._ I don't know whether he's magic--but I'm sure he's lame. And I
shouldn't call stuffiness _enchantment_ myself.

_Und._ I'm not prepared to deny the stuffiness. But cannot you guess
what has transformed this vehicle for me--in spite of its undeniable
shortcomings--or must I speak more plainly still?

_Phill._ Well, considering the shortness of our acquaintance, I must say
you've spoken quite plainly enough as it is!

_Und._ I know I must seem unduly expansive, and wanting in reserve; and
yet that is not my true disposition. In general, I feel an almost
fastidious shrinking from strangers----

_Phill._ (_with a little laugh_). Really, I shouldn't have thought it!

_Und._ Because, in the present case, I do not--I cannot--feel as if we
_were_ strangers. Some mysterious instinct led me, almost from the
first, to associate you with a certain Miss MAISIE MULL.

_Phill._ Well, I wonder how you discovered _that_. Though you shouldn't
have said "Miss"--_Lady_ MAISIE MULL is the name.

_Und._ (_to himself_). Lady MAISIE MULL! I attach no meaning to
titles--and yet nothing but rank could confer such perfect ease and
distinction. (_Aloud._) I should have said _Lady_ MAISIE MULL,
undoubtedly--forgive my ignorance. But at least I have divined you. Does
nothing tell you who and what _I_ may be?

_Phill._ Oh, I think I can give a tolerable guess at what _you_ are.

_Und._ You recognise the stamp of the Muse upon me, then?

_Phill._ Well, I shouldn't have taken you for a _groom_ exactly.

_Und._ (_with some chagrin_). You are really too flattering!

_Phill._ Am I? Then it's your turn now. You might say you'd never have
taken me for a _lady's maid_!

_Und._ I might--if I had any desire to make an unnecessary and insulting
remark.

_Phill._ Insulting? Why, it's what I _am_! I'm maid to Lady MAISIE. I
thought your mysterious instinct told you all about it?

_Und._ (_to himself--after the first shock_). A lady's maid! Gracious
Heaven! What have I been saying--or rather, what _haven't_ I? (_Aloud._)
To--to be sure it did. Of course, I quite understand _that_. (_To
himself_). Oh, confound it all, I wish we were at Wyvern!

_Phill._ And, after all, you've never told me who _you_ are. Who _are_
you?

_Und._ (_to himself_). I must not humiliate this poor girl! (_Aloud._)
I? Oh--a very insignificant person, I assure you! (_To himself._) This
is an occasion in which deception is pardonable--even justifiable!

_Phill._ Oh, I knew _that_. But you let out just now you had to do with
a Mews. You aren't a rough-rider, are you?

_Und._ N--not _exactly_--not a _rough_-rider. (_To himself._) Never on a
horse in my life!--unless I count my _Pegasus_. (_Aloud._) But you are
right in supposing I am connected with a muse--in one sense.

_Phill._ I _said_ so, didn't I? Don't you think it was rather clever of
me to spot you, when you're not a bit horsey-looking?

_Und._ (_with elaborate irony_). Accept my compliments on a power of
penetration which is simply phenomenal!

_Phill._ (_giving him a little push_). Oh, go along--it's all talk with
you--I don't believe you mean a word you say!

_Und._ (_to himself_). She's becoming absolutely vulgar. (_Aloud._) I
don't--I _don't_; it's a manner I have; you mustn't attach any
importance to it--none whatever!

_Phill._ What! Not to all those high-flown compliments? Do you mean to
tell me you're only a gay deceiver, then?

_Und._ (_in horror_). Not a _deceiver_, no; and decidedly not _gay_. I
mean I _did_ mean the _compliments_, of course. (_To himself._) I
mustn't let her suspect anything, or she'll get talking about it; it
would be too horrible if this were to get round to Lady MAISIE or the
CULVERINS--so undignified; and it would ruin all my _prestige_! Ive only
to go on playing a part for a few minutes, and--maid or not--she's a
most engaging girl!

   [_He goes on playing the part, with the unexpected result of sending
       Miss_ PHILLIPSON _into fits of uncontrollable laughter._

  SCENE XI.--_The Back Entrance at Wyvern._
_The Fly has just set down_ PHILLIPSON _and_ UNDERSHELL.

_Tredwell_ (_receiving_ PHILLIPSON). Lady MAISIE'S maid, I presume? I'm
the butler here--Mr. TREDWELL. Your ladies arrived some time back. I'll
take you to the housekeeper, who'll show you their rooms, and where
yours is, and I hope you'll find everything comfortable. (_In an
undertone, indicating_ UNDERSHELL, _who is awaiting recognition in the
doorway._) Do you happen to know who it is _with_ you?

_Phillipson_ (_in a whisper_). I can't quite make him out he's so
flighty in his talk. But he _says_ he belongs to some Mews or other.

_Tred._ Oh, then _I_ know who he is. We expect him right enough. He's a
partner in a crack firm of Vets. We've sent for him special. I'd better
see to him, if you don't mind finding your own way to the Housekeeper's
Room, second door to the left, down that corridor. (PHILLIPSON
_departs_.) Good morning to you, Mr.--ah--Mr.----?

_Undershell_ (_coming forward_). Mr. UNDERSHELL. Lady CULVERIN expects
me, I believe.

Tred. Quite correct, Mr. UNDERSHELL, Sir. She do. Leastwise, I shouldn't
say myself she'd require to see you--well, not _before_ to-morrow
morning--but you won't mind _that_, I daresay.

_Und._ (_choking_). Not mind that! Take me to her at once!

_Tred._ Couldn't take it on myself, Sir, really. There's no particular
'urry. I'll let her ladyship know you're 'ere; and if she wants you,
she'll send for you; but, with a party staying in the 'ouse, and others
dining with us to-night, it ain't likely as she'll have time for you
till to-morrow.

_Und._ Oh then, whenever her ladyship should find leisure to recollect
my existence, will you have the goodness to inform her that I have taken
the liberty of returning to town by the next train?

_Tred._ Lor! Mr. UNDERSHELL, you aren't so pressed as all _that_, are
you? I know my lady wouldn't like you to go without seeing you
personally; no more wouldn't Sir RUPERT. And I understood you was coming
down for the Sunday!

_Und._ (_furious_). So did _I_--but not to be treated like this!

_Tred._ (_soothingly_). Why, _you_ know what ladies are. And you
couldn't see _Deerfoot_--not properly, to-night, either.

_Und._ I have seen enough of this place already. I intend to go back by
the next train, I tell you.

_Tred._ But there _ain't_ any next train up to-night--being a loop
line--not to mention that I've sent the fly away, and they can't spare
no one at the stables to drive you in. Come Sir, make the best of it.
I've had my horders to see that you're made comfortable, and Mrs.
POMFRET and me will expect the pleasure of your company at supper in the
'ousekeeper's room, 9.30 sharp. I'll send the Steward's Room Boy to show
you to your room.

                    [_He goes, leaving_ UNDERSHELL _speechless._

_Und._ (_almost foaming_). The insolence of these cursed aristocrats!
Lady CULVERIN will see me when she has time, forsooth! I am to be
entertained in the servants' hall! _This_ is how our upper classes
honour poetry! I won't stay a single hour under their infernal roof.
I'll walk. But where _to_? And how about my luggage?

                              [PHILLIPSON _returns._

_Phill._ Mr. TREDWELL says you want to go already! It _can't_ be true!
Without even waiting for supper?

_Und._ (_gloomily_). Why should I wait for supper in this house?

_Phill._ Well, _I_ shall be there; I don't know if _that_'s any
inducement.

                              [_She looks down._

_Und._ (_to himself_). She is a singularly bewitching creature; and I'm
starving. Why _shouldn't_ I stay--if only to shame these CULVERINS? It
will be an experience--a study in life. I can always go afterwards. I
_will_ stay. (_Aloud._) You little know the sacrifice you ask of me, but
enough; I give way. We shall meet--(_with a gulp_)--in the housekeeper's
room!

_Phill._ (_highly amused_). You _are_ a comical little man. You'll be
the death of me if you go on like that!

                              [_She flits away._

_Und._ (_alone_). I feel disposed to be the death of _somebody!_ Oh,
Lady MAISIE MULL, to what a bathos have you lured your poet by your
artless flattery--a banquet with your aunt's butler!

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: ARTFUL.

_Mamma (to Johnny, who has been given a Pear with Pills artfully
concealed in it)._ "WELL, DEAR, HAVE YOU FINISHED YOUR PEAR?"

_Johnny._ "YES, MAMMA, ALL BUT THE SEEDS!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

  A BETTING MAN ON CRICKET.

  Cricket may be a _game_, but I can't call it sport,
    For "the odds" at it aren't to be reckoned.
  There the last's often first ere you come into port,
    While the first is quite frequently second.
 