



Produced by Paul Haxo from a copy generously made available
by the University of California, Davis, and with special
thanks to the Victorian Plays Project.





"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY"--

_A Farce_,

IN ONE ACT.


BY

W. E. SUTER,

AUTHOR OF

The Pirates of the Savannah, Idiot of the Mountain, Syren of Paris,
Angel of Midnight, Old House on the Bridge, Outlaw of the Adriatic,
Sarah's Young Man, A Quiet Family, John Wopps, Rifle Volunteer,
Brother Bill and Me, Highwayman's Holiday, Accusing Spirit, First
Love, Our New Man, Fan-fan, the Tulip, &c., &c.


THOMAS HAILES LACY,

89, STRAND, LONDON.




"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY."


_Characters._

ADELAIDE STIRLING (_First Comedy_)

FRANK MITCHELL (_First Comedy_)

SIMON SNOOZLE (_Low Comedy_)


_Costumes._

FRANK. _First Dress_--Travelling suit. _Second_--Old lady's hood, silk
gown, shawl, spectacles, and stick. _Third_--Same as first.

SIMON. _First Dress_--Half livery. _Second_--Velvet cap and silk
dressing gown.

ADELAIDE. _First Dress_--Travelling dress. _Second_--Silk bonnet,
veil, spectacles, shawl, and stick.


_Time in Representation_--40 _Minutes._




"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY"--


SCENE.--_Interior of an old Country Mansion; door, C.; door, R.; door
L.; easy chairs; couch, L.; fire-place, R.; clock, C.; chairs, &c.;
table, R., on it a lighted lamp; closet at back, L._

SIMON. (_entering, door C._) Yes, yes, godfather, make your mind easy,
you may sleep quietly on both sides of your face. (_advancing_) That's
a saying in our parts; but I have tried it, and I couldn't do it.
(_looking at clock_) Seven o'clock! what a litter this room is in.
(_placing chairs, &c._) And look here. (_indicating clothes scattered
over an easy chair_) What's all this? Oh, old master's morning gown.
(_places it in the closet_) I have an idea that this place of mine
suits me very well. I am boarded and lodged and washed, eight pounds a
year, and the key of the cellar. I fancy I shall soon get my nose red
in this house. (_sits_) This here easy chair is uncommon comfortable.

FRANK. (_entering, C. door, a portmanteau in his hand_) I don't see a
soul about. (_seeing SIMON_) Eh! halloa, my friend! (_shaking him_)
What are you doing there?

SIMON. (_all aback_) Me, sir! I--I'm a doing my work.

FRANK. Doing what?

SIMON. (_rising_) What do you please to want?

FRANK. I wish to see Mr. or Mrs. Mitchell.

SIMON. Oh! either of them would do, then?

FRANK. (L. C.) Yes.

SIMON. (R. C.) That's lucky, for they are both gone out.

FRANK. Out! then I will await their return.

SIMON. I don't think you will, sir.

FRANK. How do you mean?

SIMON. Why, when master and missus went away this morning, they said
they were going on a visit, and should be away nine or ten days--and
the same number of nights too, no doubt.

FRANK. (_aside_) Pleasant information! all this distance from London,
and not a shilling in my pocket. (_to SIMON_) Are you alone here?

SIMON. Yes, I'm quite alone in the house, except my godfather, who
lives at the bottom of the garden.

FRANK. The surly old brute I met in the park?

SIMON. Yes, that's godfather.

FRANK. Agreeable society! Well, I must teach myself resignation.
(_offering portmanteau_) Go and prepare a chamber for me.

SIMON. You are labouring under a mistake, sir; the Golden Lion is on
the other side of----

FRANK. Ah, true! you do not know me. I am Fra----(_checking himself_)
No, I mean Harry Mitchell, your master's grandson.

SIMON. Really! well, how lucky! I have a letter for your brother.

FRANK. For my brother Frank?

SIMON. Yes, here it is. (_drawing a letter from his pocket_) I have
been ordered to post it.

FRANK. (_aside_) I know what are its contents--the old story--you are
a good-for-nothing fellow, and I shall not give you a sixpence.
(_aloud, taking letter and putting it into his pocket_) All right, I
will take care he has it.

SIMON. And so you are Master Harry, eh? You are the favourite, you
are.

FRANK. How did you learn that?

SIMON. Godfather has made me acquainted with all the family matters,
for I am quite fresh, I am.

FRANK. You are quite fresh! what do you mean?

SIMON. I mean I was quite new this morning. Godfather brought me here
and showed me to your grandmother just as she was stepping into the
old family coach; she had only just time to say, "Oh! this is the
stupid animal you have told me about." You see, she is so old that she
doesn't always know what she is talking about.

FRANK. I think, though, her faculties were pretty clear this morning.
But, as you say, she is rather old--eighty-two. Considerably wrinkled,
I should think.

SIMON. Her face is just like a little apple that has been dried in the
sun.

FRANK. And my grandfather?

SIMON. He is like a little pear that has been baked in an oven.

FRANK. I am certain I should not recognize them; they must be very
dull here, all by themselves.

SIMON. Godfather says that they sometimes yawn till they get a
lock-jaw; that's why they have just advertised in the papers for
somebody to read to them.

FRANK. Read to them!

SIMON. Yes, a young lady.

FRANK. (_quickly_) Ah, there is a young lady here?

SIMON. No, sir, she hasn't come yet.

FRANK. What a pity!

SIMON. And they won't want a young lady now they have engaged me.

FRANK. (_laughing_) But you are not a young lady.

SIMON. No, and I can't read, but----

FRANK. Idiot! go and prepare my chamber.

SIMON. (_going, L._) Yes, Master Harry.

FRANK. Stop a moment; is there anything to eat in the pantry?

SIMON. I saw the plate chest there; but I'll go and see, Master Harry.
Ah! if you were Mr. Frank.

FRANK. Well?

SIMON. I shouldn't be able to find anything. (_confidentially_)
Godfather says that you are a pet, and that your brother is a bad lot;
old folks won't have him at any price.

FRANK. (_aside_) I know it but too well. (_aloud_) You will find some
cigars in my portmanteau, with my pipe and tobacco. Stay; have you got
the keys of the cellar?

SIMON. Yes, sir.

FRANK. Then bring me some champagne.

SIMON. I will. (_aside_) He'll help me, I can see, to redden my nose!

_Exit, with portmanteau, door, L._

FRANK. Have I done well to present myself here under my brother's
name, because I know their great preference for him, and that they
treat me like a Cinderella of the male sex. This is the way I
discovered that I was no favourite; one day I wrote to them for money,
and didn't get it: while Harry, who had also written for some, did:
then I questioned myself as to what I had done, and as to what I had
not done. I said to myself, it is nearly twelve years since Harry and
I quitted the old people; we are of the same figure, considerably
resemble each other; I could easily impose upon my grandmother, who is
nearly blind, and ditto upon my grandfather, who is quite deaf, and so
I will go to them and say here is your darling Harry, and express my
willingness to receive as much money as they choose to give me; if my
brother were to write I should be there to suppress his letters.
Wasn't that a clever idea? not particularly honest, but remarkably
clever; that will teach parents to have a preference, to all
respectable grandfathers one grandson is as good as another.

_Enter ADELAIDE, door, C., a cloak over her arm, a small carpet bag in
her hand._

ADELAIDE. Mrs. Mitchell, if you please, sir.

FRANK. (L. C.) Yes, this is her house, but she is gone from home for
nine or ten days.

ADELA. (R. C.) How unfortunate! And Mr. Mitchell?

FRANK. That's me. I am Mr. Mitchell; Fra----I mean Harry Mitchell.

ADELA. (_aside_) Harry! It is he!

FRANK. Will you have the goodness to take a seat?

ADELA. I thank you. But the Mr. Mitchell of whom I asked you is the
husband of Mrs. Mitchell, and I do not suppose that----

FRANK. No, certainly; I have not married my grandmother, that sort of
thing is not allowed, you know. (_aside_) She is deucedly pretty.
(_aloud_) Will you have the goodness to take a seat?

ADELA. Then your grandfather is also absent.

FRANK. For nine or ten days. I am quite alone here, but that makes no
difference. (_again offering chair_) Will you have the goodness to----

ADELA. No, thank you. I believe I cannot do better than make my way
back to the railway station, and return to London. (_going up_)

FRANK. (_following and bringing her back_) But, excuse me, may I be
allowed to enquire----

ADELA. I believed I had been recommended to them by Mr. Dunstable, as
a companion to----

FRANK. Certainly, quite correct. (_aside_) She mustn't go, I want a
companion, dreadfully. (_aloud_) They are expecting you, madam, very
impatiently, I assure you!

ADELA. Well, but, since they are not at home----

FRANK. Certainly, will you allow me to--(_he takes her cloak and
carpet bag_) They are in the park, they take a little walk there every
evening, but they will be back directly; will you have the goodness
to-- (_taking a chair and seating himself close beside her_)

ADELA. (_shifting her chair, aside_) This Mr. Harry is very forward.
(_aloud_) And you think, sir, that I shall suit your grandmother?

FRANK. Certainly, you will suit her nicely--and you will suit my
grandmother capitally--and you will suit my grandfather capitally--and
you suit me beautifully--and you will suit my brother deli----

ADELA. Ah, you have a brother?

FRANK. Yes, Harry--hem, no--I mean, Frank--I am Harry.

ADELA. But, according to what Mr. Dunstable told me, one of you is a
very bad fellow.

FRANK. It isn't me; I assure you, it's my brother.

ADELA. Are you quite certain?

FRANK. Quite certain that I am not my brother--oh, yes. But, after
all, Frank is really a capital fellow; he is, I assure you, I like him
very much; I do, indeed--may have been a little wild, but----

ADELA. Pardon me, sir, but your grandmother does not return.

FRANK. She is taking a little walk in the park, and perhaps her corns
are troublesome--she has several, besides two or three bunions! but
perhaps she has come in and gone to bed--she is subject to--to--to the
whooping cough----

ADELA. The what, sir?

FRANK. (_aside_) Confound it! I can't think of--(_aloud_) I mean the
gout--and she always goes to bed early when--but you will see her
to-morrow.

ADELA. (_taking her portmanteau from FRANK'S hand_) To-morrow? in
that case I will go to the Golden Lion Hotel, which is near the
railway station.

FRANK. (_again taking portmanteau from her hand_) No, no--grandmother
would be so angry--she has caused a chamber to be prepared for you.

ADELA. Indeed!

FRANK. Yes, and supper, for she thought you would arrive late.

_Enter SIMON, L. door._

SIMON. The chamber is ready, sir.

FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) There, you hear! what did I tell you? (_to
SIMON_) Very well.

SIMON. (_L., aside_) Eh? that woman is a female!

FRANK. (_to SIMON_) And the supper?

ADELA. Thank you, but I am not hungry.

SIMON. The supper is ready, too. (_aside to FRANK_) But, sir--

FRANK. (_giving him a sly kick_) Be quiet!

ADELA. (_taking her cloak and portmanteau from FRANK_) I will go to my
apartment. (_L., to SIMON_) I beg you will let me know immediately
that Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell have returned from their walk?

SIMON. (_C., astonished_) Eh, returned from their walk?

FRANK. (_kicking as before, and crossing to L. C._) Hold your tongue.
(_to ADELAIDE_) Oh, yes, directly they return, you may depend