



Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading
Team at http://www.pgdp.net









PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 107.
AUGUST 4, 1894.

                               * * * * *

                         SPORT FOR RATEPAYERS.

_August 1st._--Deer-shooting in Victoria Park commences.

_2nd._--Distribution of venison to "Progressive" County Councillors and
their families--especially to Aldermen.

_3rd._--Stalking American bison in the Marylebone disused grave-yard is
permitted from this day. A staff of competent surgeons will be outside
the palings.

_4th._--Chamois-coursing in Brockwell Park.

_5th._--A few rogue elephants having been imported (at considerable
expense to the rates), and located in the Regent's Park, the Chairman of
the L. C. C., assisted by the Park-keepers, will give an exhibition of
the method employed in snaring them. The elephants in the Zoological
Gardens will be expected to assist.

_6th._--_Bank Holiday._--Popular festival on Hampstead Heath. Two herds
of red deer will be turned on to the Heath at different points, and
three or four specially procured man-eating Bengal tigers will be let
loose at the Flag-staff to pursue them. Visitors may hunt the deer or
the tigers, whichever they prefer. Express rifles recommended, also the
use of bullet-proof coats. No dynamite to be employed against the
tigers. Ambulances in the Vale of Health. The Council's Band, up some of
the tallest trees, will perform musical selections.

_7th._--Races at Wormwood Scrubbs between the Council's own ostriches
and leading cyclists. A force of the A1 Division of the Metropolitan
Police, mounted on some of the reindeer from the enclosure at Spring
Gardens, will be stationed round the ground to prevent the ostriches
escaping into the adjoining country.

_8th._--Sale of ostrich feathers (dropped in the contests) to West-End
bonnet-makers at Union prices.

_9th._--Grand review of all the Council's animals on Clapham Common.
Procession through streets (also at Union rate). Banquet on municipal
venison, tiger chops, elephant steaks, and ostrich wings at Spring
Gardens. Progressive fireworks.

                               * * * * *

[Illustration: GENEROSITY.

_Andrew (preparing to divide the orange)._ "WILL YOU CHOOSE THE BIG
HALF, GEORGIE, OR THE WEE HALF?"

_George._ "'COURSE I'LL CHOOSE THE BIG HALF."

_Andrew (with resignation)._ "THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE 'EM EVEN."]

                               * * * * *

RATHER A CHANGE--FOR THE BETTER.--They (the dockers) wouldn't listen to
BEN TILLETT. They cried out to him, "We keep you and starve ourselves."
Hullo! the revolt of the sheep! are they beginning to think that their
leaders and instigators are after all _not_ their best friends? "O
TILLETT not in Gath!" And Little BEN may say to himself, "I'll wait
TILL-ETT's over."

                               * * * * *

                       LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES.

                     V.--SCHOOL. "A DISTANT VIEW."

  "Distance lends enchantment"--kindly Distance!
    Wiping out all troubles and disgraces,
  How we seem to cast, with your assistance,
    All our boyish lines in pleasant places!

  Greek and Latin, struggles mathematic,
    These were worries leaving slender traces;
  Now we tell the boys (we wax emphatic)
    How our lines fell all in pleasant places.

  How we used to draw (immortal _Wackford_!)
    EUCLID's figures, more resembling faces,
  Surreptitiously upon the black-board,
    Crude yet telling lines in pleasant places.

  Pleasant places! That was no misnomer.
    Impositions?--little heed scape-graces;
  Writing out a book or so of HOMER,
    Even those were lines in pleasant places!

  How we scampered o'er the country, leading
    Apoplectic farmers pretty chases,
  Over crops, through fences all unheeding,
    Stiff cross-country lines in pleasant places.

  Yes, and how--too soon youth's early day flies--
    In the purling brook which seaward races
  _How_ we used to poach with luscious May-flies,
    Casting furtive lines in pleasant places.

  Then the lickings! How we took them, scorning
    Girlish outcry, though we made grimaces;
  Only smiled to find ourselves next morning
    Somewhat marked with lines in pleasant places!

  Alma Mater, whether young or olden,
    Thanks to you for hosts of friendly faces,
  Treasured memories, days of boyhood golden,
    Lines that fell in none but pleasant places!

                               * * * * *

                           LONDON BICYCLISTS.

    ["Mr. ASQUITH said that he was informed by the Chief
    Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police that undoubtedly
    numerous accidents were caused by bicycles and tricycles, though
    he was not prepared to say from the cause of the machines
    passing on the near instead of the off side of the road.
    Bicycles and tricycles were carriages, and should conform to the
    rules of the road, and the police, as far as possible, enforced
    the law as to riding to the common danger."--_Daily Graphic,
    July 25._]

  Round the omnibus, past the van,
    Rushing on with a reckless reel,
  Darts that horrible nuisance, an
    Ardent cyclist resolved that he'll
  Ride past everything he can,
  Heed not woman, or child, or man,
  Beat some record, some ride from Dan
  To Beersheba; that seems his plan.
  Why does not the Home Office ban
    London fiends of the whirling wheel?

  Let them ride in the country so,
    Dart from Duncansbay Head to Deal,
  Shoot as straight as the flight of crow,
    Sweep as swallow that seeks a meal,
  We don't care how the deuce they go,
  But in thoroughfares where we know
  Cyclists, hurrying to and fro,
  Make each peaceable man their foe,
  Riders, walkers alike cry "Whoa!
    Stop these fiends of the whirling wheel!"

                               * * * * *

                           ODE ON SACRIFICE.

  Amid the glowing pageant of the year
  There comes too soon th' inevitable shock,
  That token of the season sere,
  To the unthinking fair so cheaply dear,
  Who, like to shipwreck'd seamen, do it hail,
  And cry, "A Sale! a Sale!
  A Sale! a Summer Sale of Surplus Stock!"

  See, how, like busy-humming bees
  Around the ineffable fragrance of the lime,
  Woman, unsparing of the salesman's time,
  Reviews the stock, and chaffers at her ease,
  Nor yet, for all her talking, purchases,
  But takes away, with copper-bulged purse,
  The textile harvest of a quiet eye,
  Great bargains still unbought, and power to buy.

  Or she, her daylong, garrulous labour done,
  Some victory o'er reluctant remnants won,
  Fresh from the trophies of her skill,
  Things that she needed not, nor ever will,
  She takes the well-earned bun;
  Ambrosial food, DEMETER erst design'd
  As the appropriate food of womankind,
  Plain, or with comfits deck'd and spice;
  Or, daintier, dallies with an ice.
  Nor feels in heart the worse
  Because the haberdashers thus disperse
  Their surplus stock at an astounding sacrifice!

  Yet Contemplation pauses to review
  The destinies that meet the silkworm's care,
  The fate of fabrics whose materials grew
  In the same fields of cotton or of flax,
  Or waved on fellow-flockmen's fleecy backs,
  And the same mill, loom, case, emporium, shelf, did share.

                               * * * * *

[Illustration: "ADDING INSULT," &c.

SCENE--_Hunters cantering round Show Ring._

_Youth on hard-mouthed Grey (having just cannoned against old
Twentystun)._ "'SCUSE ME, SIR,--'BLIGED TO DO IT. NOTHING LESS THAN A
HAYSTACK STOPS HIM!"]

                               * * * * *

                        THE RIDER'S VADE MECUM.

                       (_For Use in Rotten Row._)

_Question._ What part of London do you consider the most dangerous for
an equestrian?

_Answer._ That part of the Park known as Rotten Row.

_Q._ Why is it so dangerous?

_A._ Because it is overcrowded in the Season, and at all times
imperfectly kept.

_Q._ What do you mean by "imperfectly kept"?

_A._ I mean that the soil is not free from bricks and other impediments
to comfortable and safe riding.

_Q._ Why do you go to Rotten Row?

_A._ Because it is the most convenient place in London for the residents
of the West End.

_Q._ But would not Battersea Park do as well?

_A._ It is farther afield, and at present, so far as the rides are
concerned, given over to the charms of solitude.

_Q._ And is not the Regent's Park also available for equestrians?

_A._ To some extent; but the roads in that rather distant pleasaunce are
not comparable for a moment with the ride within view of the Serpentine.

_Q._ Would a ride in Kensington Gardens be an advantage?

_A._ Yes, to some extent; still it would scarcely be as convenient as
the present exercising ground.

_Q._ Then you admit that there are (and might be) pleasant rides other
than Rotten Row?

_A._ Certainly; but that fact does not dispense with the necessity of
reform in existing institutions.

_Q._ Then you consider the raising of other issues is merely a plan to
confuse and obliterate the original contention?

_A._ Assuredly; and it is a policy that has been tried before with
success to obstructors and failure to the grievance-mongers.

_Q._ So as two blacks do not make one white you and all believe that
Rotten Row should be carefully inspected and the causes of the recent
accidents ascertained and remedied?

_A._ I do; and, further, am convinced that such a course would be for
the benefit of the public in general and riders in Rotten Row in
particular.

                               * * * * *

[Illustration: "PERSONALLY CONDUCTED."]

                               * * * * *

                        "PERSONALLY CONDUCTED."

  'Tis a norrible tale I'm a-going to narrate;
  It happened--vell, each vone can fill in the date!
  It's a heartrending tale of three babbies so fine.
  Whom to spifflicate promptly their foes did incline.
  Ven they vos qvite infants they lost their mamma;
  They vos left all alone in the vorld vith their pa.
  But to vatch o'er his babbies vos always _his_ plan--
                           (_Chorus_)--
  'Cos their daddy he vos sich a keerful old man!

  He took those three kiddies all into his charge,
  And kep them together so they shouldn't "go large."
  Two hung to his coat-tails along the hard track.
  And the third one, he clung to his neck pick-a-back.
  The foes of those kiddies they longed for their bleed,
  And they swore that to carry 'em _he_ shouldn't succeed,
  But to save them poor babbies he hit on a plan--
                           (_Chorus_)--
  'Cos their dadda he vos sich a artful old man!

  Some hoped, from exposure, the kids would ketch cold,
  And that croup or rheumatics would lay 'em in the mould;
  But they seemed to survive every babbyish disease,
  Vich their venomous enemies did not qvite please.
  But, in course, sich hard lines did the kiddies no good;
  They got vet in the storm, they got lost in the vood,
  But their dad cried, "I'll yet save these kids if I can!"--
                           (_Chorus_)--
  'Cos their feyther he vos sich a dogged old man!

  Foes hoped he'd go out of his depth,--or his mind,--
  Or, cutting his stick, leave his babbies behind,
  Ven they came to the margin of a vide roaring stream.
  And the kids, being frightened, began for to scream.
  But he cries, cheery like, "Stash that hullabulloo!
  _Keep your eye on your father, and HE'll pull you through!!_"--
  Vich some thinks he _vill_ do--if any von can--
                          