VOL. 93, SEPTEMBER 24, 1887***


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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 93

SEPTEMBER 24, 1887.







Illustration: RECORD OF THE SESSION--422.

    AKERS-DOUGLAS            }
    COLONEL WALROND          } Dead Heat.
    BARON HENRY DE WORMS     }

       *       *       *       *       *

SALUBRITIES ABROAD.

_Royat Improved._--I have said Royat ought to be rebuilt. The Grand
Hotel is of a sort of Doll's House order of architecture, splendid
front, no depth to speak of, and built on so steep an ascent that it is
hoisted up at the back like a lady's skirt by a dress-improver. _Beau
site_ all the same, and magnificent view.

       *       *       *       *       *

Last year the Hotel Continental formed part of a group of hotels--which
seemed to have been the result of some violent volcanic eruption, when
the mountain threw up several hotels, and left them there anyhow--is at
present separated from the Splendide and its other former companions by
an impromptu wall, and from all its front windows it commands varied,
beautiful, and, on the Clermont-Ferrand side, extensive views. It has a
pleasant garden, a most enjoyable terrace, and it only wants to be in
the hands of a firmly fixed and intelligent management to make it quite
the best hotel in Royat. "Personally recommended," that is, as managed
under the direction of M. HALL this year.

The service at the _Etablissement de Bains_ is about as good as it can
be. There are, however, no _bains de luxe_. A few of these would attract
those "whom" as the appeals to the charitable used to have it,
"Providence has blessed with affluence."

"La Compagnie Brocard," which manages Royat's bathing arrangements and
undertakes a portion of the mild yet (to my mind as a serious bather)
sufficient amusements, is not, unfortunately for the public, in accord
with M. SAMIE, the spirited Proprietor of an opposition Casino, where
there is a small theatre, in its way a perfect gem. Here all the "Stars"
of any magnitude make their appearance on visiting Royat. As a "Baigneur
de Royat" puts it, in a local journal, the Compagnie Brocard cannot
consider their stuffy little room ("_le petit etouffoir_") where
theatrical performances are given as a real theatre. It is a pity that
M. SAMIE and La Compagnie Brocard cannot, like the "birds in their
little nests," agree. But as to Theatres and spectacles, my rule at
Royat, or at any other Water-cure place, would be this:--

"_Any baigneur found out of his hotel or lodgings after 10.15, p.m.,
shall be arrested, conducted back to his hotel, his number taken, and
for the second offence he shall be fined. The fine to go to such objects
as the Direction shall determine._"

In short there should be introduced here the English University system
of Proctors and bull-dogs.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Another Rule._--No theatrical entertainment should last more than two
hours with _entr'actes_ of seven minutes each. The ventilation of the
_salle de spectacle_ should be assured.

       *       *       *       *       *

If a company wanted to play a piece in four Acts, they must stop here
two days; and, if they couldn't do that, then they must begin their
performance in the afternoon, have one _entr'acte_ of an hour and a half
to allow for dinner, and recommence at eight o'clock. I would discourage
all evening indoor entertainments. Music, coffee, _petits chevaux_, M.
GUIGNOL'S show, _ombres chinoises_, everything in fact that can be done
_al fresco_--(and why not good plays _al fresco_? After the Laboucherian
_Midsummer Night's Dream_, at Twickenham, which I am told was
perfection)--_cafes chantants_, and so forth, including the
"_consommation_ devoutly to be wished," and all the lights out by 9.30.
Lights in bedrooms to be extinguished same hour. This rule would mean,
Early to bed, and early to rise, and the "_baigneurs_" would receive
double the benefit they derive from these places, as now constituted.
Life in the open air should be the rule; plenty of exercise, riding and
walking, and regular hours for everything for three weeks. The
_baigneurs_ to choose their own hours, and be kept to them strictly.

       *       *       *       *       *

But I have personally no sympathy with the _baigneurs_ who find such a
water-cure place as Royat dull. What do they want? If they cannot get on
without a sort of continuation of the London Season, let them stay away
altogether. Don't let them come and make night hideous with balls,
suppers, dances, and won't-go-home-till-morning parties.

       *       *       *       *       *

The above are my suggestions for the improvement of Royat; and now I go
on to La Bourboule, and Mont Dore. By the way, the waters at these
places are all supplied, as I am credibly informed, from the same
source; but the waters flowing towards La Bourboule and Mont Dore
traverse certain _couches_ on their way, and come out arsenical. It is
strong drinking at La Bourboule and Mont Dore.

       *       *       *       *       *

One Joanne Guide introduces you to another Joanne Guide, or a history,
you can't help yourself. The Joanne Guides are so united a family, that
as soon as any member of it establishes itself on a friendly footing
with you, your hand is always in your pocket while you are travelling on
that _Guide Joanne's_ account. An insidious tribe: and they make
themselves absolutely essential to the traveller's existence and
comfort.

       *       *       *       *       *

Each _Guide Joanne_ tells you about his own country all that is
requisite for you to know, and just so much more as inspires you with a
thirst for further information. Say for example you see an old Chateau.
Let us say _Le Chateau de Jean_. You want to know everything about it.
Good. You inquire of the Guide Joanne which professes to show you all
over France, and which does it, mind you, in what would be an exhaustive
style if it was not written with such an evident eye to the bookselling
business. For example suppose you are looking for information about the
well-known ancient Chateau de Jean, here is a specimen of what Joanne
would say on the subject:--

"_Sur la rive g. (V. ci-dessous B.) restes d'un chateau, style ogival,
(mon. hist.,) bati par le celebre Jean Bienconnu-aux-enfants (V. mon.
hist, xe et xiie s.), beau portail, jolis details d'architecture (mon.
hist.) et en particulier l'appartement dit de la Donzelle toute
desespere (pour le visiter, s'addresser au gardien, pourboire), qui a
conserve une grande partie de sa decoration originale et de sa peinture
(mon. hist. xie). Le donjon renfermait une oubliette profonde nommee DU
RAT DEVORANT, qui autrefois servait de grenier au malt (V. mon. hist.).
Ascension des Obelisques sur la terrasse (splendide panorama) et belles
promenades autour de la petite chapelle dite DU PRETRE CHAUVE. (V. vi.
L'ITINERAIRE DU PAYS-DE-BONNES, GUIDE DIAMANT.)_"

       *       *       *       *       *

AN END OF THE SUMMER.

  JUPITER PLUVIUS,
    Sluicer, full-spout,
  Downpour diluvious,
    Pumped on the Drought.
  Checked, aloud crying,
    The voice of the Swain;
  The rootcrops be dying,
    From long lack of rain!

  PLUVIUS poured away,
    While the wind blew;
  TONANS, he roared away,
    Hullaballoo,
  Kicking up, dweller
    In quarters on high,
  He, Cloud Compeller;
    The Czar of the sky.

  Clouds, in convulsion,
    Or calm, he keeps under;
  Rules, by compulsion:
    The reason of thunder.
  So did he lately
    Compel them to rise,
  Piled up in stately
    Array on the skies.

  Castles aerial,
    Splendid when falls,
  Sheen on etherial
    Vapoury halls,
  Battlements, bartizans,
    Phantoms of towers,
  Fenced round with partisans;
    Cloud-cauliflowers.

  Mountainous forms
    In the realms of felicity,
  By Jove, to move storms,
    Fraught with force--electricity,
  They serve to betoken
    What mortals may tell;
  The weather is broken:
    Summer, farewell!

       *       *       *       *       *

Light from Wind.

The _Times_ says that experiments are being made at Cap de la Heve, near
the mouth of the Seine, on the production of electricity for lighthouse
purposes by means of the force obtained by windmills. Light from wind!
_Could_ the notion be applied at St. Stephen's? The Session just over
has been mainly wind, so exceptionally "ill wind," that it has blown no
good to anybody, and most certainly has thrown no "light" on anything.
By all means let M. DE L'ANGLE-BEAUMANOIR be empowered to experiment on
the windbags of the House of Commons when they next meet.

       *       *       *       *       *

QUITE ENGLISH.

(_New Version, as Sung by the Comte de Paris._)

  Here I come in complete Constitutional coat
    (That's English, you know; quite English, you know):
  The type of true Monarchy based on the Vote.
    (That's English, you know; quite English, you know.)
  To have a legitimate King on the throne,
  To make all the Country's best interests his own,
  Great, grand, patriotic, but _not_ overgrown
    (That's English, you know; quite English, you know).

  _Chorus._

  Oh, the things that you see and the things that you hear
    Are English, you know; quite English, you know.
  My mind, like my last Manifesto, 'tis clear,
    Is English, quite English, you know!

  Just now a great calm meets the national eyes
    (That's English, you know; quite English, you know).
  But imminent perils it cannot disguise
    (That's English, you know; quite English, you know).
  We have deserved well of Conservative France;
  A Monarchy only her bliss can enhance;
  And now of its nature I'll give you a glance
    (That's English, you know; quite English, you know).

  _Chorus._

  The things will much please which you're going to hear
    (They're English, you know; quite English, you know).
  Legality banished must soon reappear
    (That's English, quite English, you know).

  What one Congress does can't another undo?
    (That's English, you know; quite English, you know.)
  The _Eternal_ Republic has gone all askew
    (Not English, you know; not English you know).
  'Twill presently get quite incurably queer,
  And _then_ will the Monarchy promptly appear.
  I fancy myself that the moment is