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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 107.

AUGUST 18, 1894.




MORE ORNAMENTAL THAN USEFUL.

(_A Legend of the Results of the School Board._)

The Committee sat waiting patiently for candidates. Although the papers
had been full of advertisements describing the appointments the
_reclames_ had had no effect. There were certainly a number of persons
in the waiting-room, but the usher had declared that they did not
possess the elementary qualifications for the post that the Committee
were seeking to fill with a suitable official.

"Usher," cried the Chairman at length with some impatience; "I am sure
you must be wrong. Let us see some of the occupants of the adjoining
office."

The usher bowed with a grace that had been acquired by several years
study in deportment in the Board School, and replied that he fancied
that most of the applicants were too highly educated for the coveted
position.

"Too highly educated!" exclaimed the representative of municipal
progress. "It is impossible to be too highly educated! You don't know
what you're talking about!"

"Pardon me, Sir," returned the Usher, with another graceful inclination
of the head, "but would not 'imperfectly acquainted with the subject of
your discourse' be more polished? But, with your permission, I will obey
you."

And then the official returned to usher in an aged man wearing
spectacles. The veteran immediately fell upon his knees and began to
implore the Committee to appoint him to the vacant post.

"I can assure you, Gentlemen, that, thanks to the School Board, I am a
first-rate Latin and Greek scholar. I am intimately acquainted with the
Hebrew language, and have the greatest possible respect for the Union
Jack. I know all that can be known about mathematics, and can play
several musical instruments. I am also an accomplished waltzer; I know
the use of the globes, and can play the overture to _Zampa_ on the
musical-glasses. I know the works of SHAKSPEARE backwards, and----"

"Stop, stop!" interrupted the Chairman. "You may do all this, and more;
but have you any knowledge of the _modus operandi_ of the labour
required of you?"

"Alas, no!" returned the applicant; "but if a man of education----"

"Remove him, Usher!" cried the Chairman; and the veteran was removed in
tears.

A second, a third, and a fourth made their appearance, and disappeared,
and none of them would do. They were all singularly accomplished.

At length a rough man, who had been lounging down the street, walked
into the Council-chamber.

"What may you want, Sir?" asked the Chairman, indignantly.

"What's that to you?" was the prompt reply. "I ain't a going to tell
everyone my business--not me--you bet!"

"Ungrammatical!" said Committee Man No. One. "Very promising."

"Uncouth and vulgar!" murmured Committee Man No. Two.

"Where were you educated?" queried the Chairman.

"Nowheres in particular. I was brought up in the wilds of Canada.
There's not much book learning over there," and the rough fellow
indulged in a loud hoarse laugh.

"Ah! that accounts for your not having enjoyed the great advantages of
the School Board. Have you seen the circular--have you read the details
of the proposed appointment?"

"Me read!" cried the uncouth one; "oh, that is a game! Why I can't read
nor yet write!"

"Better and better," said Committee Man No. One.

"First rate," murmured Committee Man No. Two. "I think we have at length
found our ideal."

Then the usher read the advertisement.

"What! shake the hall mat!" cried the candidate. "Why I could do that
little job on my head!"

So there being no other applicant for the post, the backwoods' ignoramus
was appointed office-sweeper at a couple of hundred pounds a year.

"Rather high wages," said the Chairman to himself, as he went home on
the top of an omnibus; "but what can one expect when we educate all the
children at the cost of the rates. Last year there was an additional
farthing; this year we have to pay five shillings, and goodness only
knows how much it will be hereafter!"

And as he thought this, the Chairman (in the names of the rest of the
ratepayers) heartily cursed the School Board.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RETURNED EMPTY.

_Old Mayfly_ (_who had dropped his Flask further down stream, and has
just had it returned to him by Honest Rustic_). "DEAR ME! THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!" (_Gives him a Shilling._) "DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD HA' DONE
WITHOUT IT!" (_Begins to unscrew top._) "MAY I OFFER YOU A