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  COUNTRY LIFE

  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

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[Illustration]

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
beginning in 1841 to the present day

[Illustration]

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MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY LIFE

[Illustration]

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[Illustration: BROWN'S COUNTRY HOUSE.--_Brown (who takes a friend home
to see his new purchase, and strikes a light to show it)._ "Confound it,
the beastly thing's stopped!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

    MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY LIFE

    HUMOURS OF OUR RUSTICS

    AS PICTURED BY

    PHIL MAY, L. RAVEN-HILL,
    CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE
    DU MAURIER, BERNARD
    PARTRIDGE, GUNNING
    KING, LINLEY SAMBOURNE,
    G. D. ARMOUR,
    C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE,
    LEWIS BAUMER, WILL
    OWEN, F. H. TOWNSEND,
    G. H. JALLAND, G. E.
    STAMPA, AND OTHERS


    _WITH 180 ILLUSTRATIONS_

    PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH

    THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

       *       *       *       *       *

    THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

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THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

    LIFE IN LONDON
    COUNTRY LIFE
    IN THE HIGHLANDS
    SCOTTISH HUMOUR
    IRISH HUMOUR
    COCKNEY HUMOUR
    IN SOCIETY
    AFTER DINNER STORIES
    IN BOHEMIA
    AT THE PLAY
    MR. PUNCH AT HOME
    ON THE CONTINONG
    RAILWAY BOOK
    AT THE SEASIDE
    MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
    IN THE HUNTING FIELD
    MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
    WITH ROD AND GUN
    MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
    BOOK OF SPORTS
    GOLF STORIES
    IN WIG AND GOWN
    ON THE WARPATH
    BOOK OF LOVE
    WITH THE CHILDREN

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ON RUSTIC HUMOUR

Than the compilation of such a series of books as that which includes
the present volume there could surely be no more engaging occupation for
one who delights to look on the humorous side of life. The editor feels
that if his readers derive as much enjoyment from the result of his
labours as these labours have afforded him he may reasonably
congratulate them! He has found himself many times over, as a book has
taken shape from his gatherings in the treasure house of Mr. Punch,
saying "This is the best of the lot"--and usually he has been right.
There is none but is "the best!" There _may_ be one that is not quite so
good as the other twenty-four; but wild horses would not drag the name
of that one from the editor. He feels, however, that in illustrating the
humours of country life Mr. Punch has risen to the very summit of his
genius. There is, of course, good reason for this, as it is notorious
that the richest humour is to be found in the lowly walks of life, and
flourishes chiefly in rustic places where folks are simple and character
has been allowed to grow with something of that individuality we find in
the untouched products of Nature. Your true humorist has always been in
quick sympathy with the humblest of his fellow men. In the village
worthy, in poor blundering Hodge, in the rough but kindly country
doctor, the picturesque tramp, the droning country parson, the inept
curate, the village glee singers, and such like familiar figures of
rural England, the humorist has never failed to find that "source of
innocent merriment" he might seek for vainly in more exalted ranks of
our complex society. But he seeks among the country folk because his
heart is there. The very best of Mr. Punch's humorists of the pencil,
Charles Keene and Phil May in the past, and Mr. Raven-Hill and Mr. C. E.
Brock to-day, have given more consideration to the country ways of life
than to any other, and hence the exceeding richness of the present
volume. It is thus in no sense a comic picture of Mr. Punch's notions of
how the so-called country life is attempted by the townsman--one of the
most notable features of our present social conditions--but is, in
effect, a refreshing breath of genuine rustic humour, kindly,
whole-hearted, and "racy of the soil."

[Illustration]

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MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY LIFE

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THE BEST SHARE IN A FARM.--The plough-share.

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A PROVERB FRESH FROM THE COUNTRY.--No gooseberry without a thorn.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE CONNOISSEURS.--_Groom._ "Whew's Beer do you like best--this 'ere
hom'brewed o' Fisk's, or that there ale they gives yer at the White
Ho's'?"
_Keeper_ (_critically_). "Well, o' the tew I prefers this 'ere. That
there o' Wum'oods's don't fare to me to taste o' nawthun at all. Now
this 'ere dew taste o' the cask!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE AGRICULTURAL OUTLOOK

(_From Dumb-Crambo Junior's Point of View._)]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LANGUAGE OF FRUITS

    Apple           Discord.
    Pear            Marriage.
    Plum            Wealth.
    Pine            Languishment.
    Gooseberry      Simplicity.
    Medlar          Interference.
    Service         Assistance.
    Elder-berry     Seniority.
    Fig             Defiance.
    Sloe            Tardiness.
    Crab            Sour Temper.
    Date            Chronology.
    Hip             Applause.
    Haw             Swells.
    Plaintain       Growth.
    Pomegranate     Seediness.
    Prune           Retrenchment.

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THE REAL LAND QUESTION.--How to make land _answer_.

       *       *       *       *       *

PERFECT QUIET.--The still room.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: LAND AND WATER.--_Prospective Purchaser_ (_arrived from
town to see the locality as advertised some three weeks ago. He has not
heard of the recent floods in this part of the country_). "Look here.
Are you selling this property by the yard or by the pint?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A COUNTRY SELL.--_Native Joker_ (_dissembling_). It's been very fine
here for the last week.

_Tourist_ (_who has been kept in by the showers, indignantly_). _What's_
been very fine here?

_Native._ The rain. Very fine rain.

[_Exit Native Joker, hurriedly._

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE BEST OF IT."--_First Gentleman Farmer._ "Why, there goes that
artful rogue, Billy Giles! Is he at his old tricks still?"

_Second Ditto._ "He has cheated everybody down about here, sir, except
me! He tried it on this winter, but I was too clever for him! Sold me a
cow, and--(_triumphantly_)--I made him take it back at _half-price!!_"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE REAL "LAND AGITATION."--An earthquake.

       *       *       *       *       *

A CRY FROM KENT.

  Prosperity's fled from our gardens and grounds;
    How spindly our bines and how scanty our crops!
  Wealth _may_ be "advancing by leaps and by bounds,"
          It certainly isn't by _hops_!

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVICE TO FARMERS.--Feed your poultry well, and you will insure full
crops.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _First Tramp_ (_to second ditto_). "That's a stylish sort
of dawg you're a-wearin'!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ENCOURAGING

_Curate_ (_who wishes to encourage local industry_). "Well, Adams, how
are you getting on with my watch?"

_Adams._ "Why, it be nigh finished now, zur, an' 'e do zeem to go mortal
well, but dang me, if there bain't a wheel as I can't find a place vor
summow!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

"I'm sorry to hear you've been ailing again, John. I must send you down
something from the Rectory. How would you like some soup?"

"Thanky kindly, mum--but I bain't so terr'ble wrapped up in soup!"

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT RURAL DEANS SMOKE.--"Church-wardens."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Convivial Party._ "I shay, ole f'ller, how long doesh it
take to gerout of thish wood?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Doctor._ "Well, you got those leeches I sent for your
husband, Mrs. Giles?"

_Mrs. Giles._ "Yes, zur; but what on earth be the good o' sending they
little things vor a girt big chap like he? I jes' took an' clapped a
ferret on 'un!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTE BY A CHIROPODIST (_in the country for the first time_).--"Must be
very painful--corn in the ear."

       *       *       *       *       *

A PASTORAL.--How should a shepherd arrange his dress? In folds.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE DUNMOW FLITCH.--All gammon.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Hotel-keeper_ (_who has let his "Assembly Room" for a
concert_). "Well, sir, I 'ope you found the arrangements in the 'all
satisfactory last night?"

_Mr. Bawlington._ "Oh, yes; everything was all right. There was only one
thing to object to. I found the acoustics of the building not quite----"

_Hotel-keeper._ "No, sir; excuse me. _What you smelt was the stables
next door!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Giles._ "I be got up here, mister, but I don't zee 'ow
ever I be goin' to get down."

_Farmer._ "Thee zhut thee eyes an' walk about a bit, an' thee'll zoon
get down!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

AN OLD OFFENDER.--_Country Gentleman_ (_eyeing his Gardener
suspiciously_). "Dear, dear me, Jeffries, this is too bad! After what I
said to you yesterday, I didn't think to find you----"

_Gardener._ "You can't shay--(_hic_)--I wash drunk yesht'day, sh----!"

_Country Gentleman_ (_sternly_). "Are you sober this morning, sir?"

_Gardener._ "I'm--shlightly shober, shir!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: QUALIFIED ADMIRATION.--_Country Vicar._ "Well, John, what
do you think of London?" _Yokel._ "Lor' bless yer, sir, it'll be a fine
place _when it's finished!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Squire's Daughter._ "Do you think it is quite healthy to
keep your pigs so close to the cottage?"

_Hodge._ "I dunno, miss. Noan of they pigs ain't ever been ill!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: VERJUICE!

_Farmer's Wife_ (_whose beer is of the smallest_). "Why, you hevn't
drunk half of it, Mas'r Gearge!"

_Peasant_ (_politely_). "Thanky', mu'm--all the same, mu'm. But I bean't
so thusty as I thought I wor, mu'm!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE.

_Nephew_ (_on a visit to the "Old Country"_). "Ah, uncle, in Canada we
don't do our hay-makin' in this 'ere old-fashioned way."

_Uncle._ "Why, you bean't never goin' to tell I as you've bin an' turned
teetotal?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

RECIPROCITY.--_Parson._ "I have missed you from your pew of late, Mr.
Stubbings----"

_Farmer_ (_apologetically_). "Well, sir, I hev' been to meet'n' lately,
but--y' see, sir, the Reverend Mr. Scowles o' the chapel, he bought some
pigs o' me, and I thought I ought to gi''m a tarn!"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FARMER FOR THE FAIR.--A husbandman.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Doctor._ "Well, Mrs. Muggeridge, how are you getting on?
Taken the medicine, eh?" _Mrs. M._ "Yes, doctor. I've taken all the
tabloids you sent, and now I want a new persecution."]

       *       *       *       *       *

ON A FOOTING.--Almost every considerable town has a market for corn;
therefore, it is but fit that Bedford Market-place should have its
Bunyan.

       *       *       *       *       *

PLACE OF RESIDENCE FOR LODGERS.--Border-land.

       *       *       *       *       *

SOUNDINGS!--(_The living down at our village falling vacant,_ Lord
Pavondale _left it to the parish to choose the new rector._)

_Influential Parishioner._ "Then am I to understand, Mr. Maniple, that
you object to bury a Dissenter?"

_The Rev. Mr. Maniple_ (_one of the competitors_). "Oh, dear me, no, Mr.
Jinks; quite the contrary!"

       *       *       *       *       *

A HIGH CHURCH PARTY.--A steeple-jack.

       *       *       *       *       *

A CLERICAL ERROR.--A long sermon.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Visitor._ "My good man, you keep your pigs much too near the house."

_Cottager._ "That's just what the doctor said, mum. But I don't see how
it's agoin' to hurt 'em!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A QUIET VILLAGE]

       *       *       *       *       *

A WET DIARY

_January._--Buy a house in the Midland Counties. Put a housekeeper in it
to look after it.

_February._--Housekeeper writes to say that, owing to the floods, the
neighbourhood is very damp and unhealthy.

_March._--Housekeeper writes to say that the garden is under water.

_April._--Housekeeper writes to say that there is two foot of water in
the drawing-room, and that the furniture is floating about.

_May._--Housekeeper writes to say that eighty feet of the garden wall
has been washed away.

_June._--Housekeeper writes to say that the two horses, one cow, and
four pigs are drowned.

_July._--Go and stop in the house myself.

_August._--Escape from the bedroom windows in a boat.

_September._--In bed with rheumatic fever.

_October._--Housekeeper writes to say that the floods are out worse than
ever.

_November._--Somebody writes to say that the housekeeper has been
drowned.

_December._--Will try and sell house in the Midland Counties.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Our Curate (who is going to describe to us his little
holiday in lovely Lucerne)._ "My dear friends--I will not call you
'ladies and gentlemen,' since I know you too well----"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _First Tramp._ "Says in this 'ere paper as 'ow some of
them millionaires works eight and ten hours a day, Bill."

_The Philosopher._ "Ah, it's a 'ard world for some poor blokes!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A REAL CONVERT.--_Local Preacher (giving an account to the vicar of the
parish of a dispute he has had with the leading lights of his sect)._
"Yes, sir, after treatment the likes o' that, I says to 'em, 'For the
future,' says I, 'I chucks up all religion, and I goes to Church!'"

       *       *       *       *       *

HABITS OF HEALTHY EXERCISE.--If a young lady is unable to sport a riding
habit, she should adopt a walking habit.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE HUMOURS OF HOUSE HUNTING.--_Lady._ "Very healthy
place, is it? Have you any idea what the death-rate is here?"
_Caretaker._ "Well, mum, I can't 'xactly zay; but it's about one apiece
all round."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OVERHEARD AT A COUNTRY FAIR

"'Ere y' are! All the jolly fun! Lidies' tormentors two a penny!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NOT QUITE HER MEANING

_The Vicar's Daughter._ "I'm glad to find you've turned over a new leaf,
Muggles, and don't waste your money at the public-house."

_Muggles._ "Yes, miss, I have it in by the barrel now, and that _do_
come cheaper!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

TOWN THOUGHTS FROM THE COUNTRY

_(With the usual apologies.)_

  Oh, to be in London now that April's there,
  And whoever walks in London sees, some morning in the square,
  That the upper thousands have come to town,
  To the plane-trees droll in their new bark gown,
  While the sparrows chirp, and the cats miaow
  In London--now!
  And after April, when May follows
  And the black-coats come and go like swallows!
  Mark, where yon fairy blossom in the Row
  Leans to the rails, and canters on in clover,
  Blushing and drooping, with her head bent low!
  That's the wise child: she makes him ask twice over,
  Lest he should think she views with too much rapture
  Her first fine wealthy capture!
  But,--though her path looks smooth, and though, alack!
  All will be gay, till Time has painted black
  The _Marigold_, her mother's chosen flower,--
  Far brighter is my _Heartsease_, Love's own dower.

       *       *       *       *       *

MRS. RAMSBOTHAM is staying with her niece in the country. She is much
delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs, and says she at last
understands the meaning of "as rich as Crocus."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HIS BITTER HALF.--_John._ "Drink 'earty, Maria. Drink
werry nigh 'arf."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HORTICULTURAL CUTTINGS

_(Culled by Dumb-Crambo Junior)_

Marshal Niel--Rose.

Row-doe-den'd-run.

Minion-ate.

Pick-o'-tea.

Car-nation.

Dahli-a.

Any-money.

Double Pink.

Few-shiers.

Glad I-o-la!]

       *       *       *       *       *

A CONUNDRUM TO FILL UP A GAP IN THE CONVERSATION.--Why is a person older
than yourself like food for cattle?

Because he's past your age (_pasturage_).

       *       *       *       *       *

EVERYTHING COMES TO THE MAN WHO WAITS.--_Country Rector's Wife (engaging
man-servant)._ And can you wait at dinner?

_Man._ Aw, yes, mum; I'm never that hoongry but I can wait till you've
done.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A QUESTION OF VESTED INTEREST

_Vicar._ "Well, gentlemen, what can I do for you?"

_Spokesman._ "Please, sir, we be a deputation from farmers down
Froglands parish, to ask you to pray for fine weather for t'arvest."

_Vicar._ "Why don't you ask your own Vicar?"

_Spokesman._ "Well, sir, we reckon 'e be'unt much good for this 'ere. 'E
do be that fond of fishin'."]

       *       *       *       *       *

A RUSTIC MORALIST.--_Rector_ (_going his rounds_). "An uncommonly fine
pig, Mr. Dibbles, I declare!"

_Contemplative Villager._ "Ah, yes, sir: if we was only, all of us, as
fit to die as him, sir!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

QUERY.--Has the want of rain this summer, and consequent failure of the
hay crops, affected the market for Grass Widows?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TRIALS OF A NOVICE

_The Boy (to Brown, who has just taken a "little place" in the
Country)._ "Plaze, zur, wot be I to start on?"

_Brown._ "Oh--er--er--let's see----Oh, confound it!--er--er--_make a
bonfire!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A VILLAGE FIASCO.--_Gifted Amateur (concluding pet card
trick)._ "Now, ladies and gentlemen, you have seen the pack of cards
burnt before your eyes, and the ashes placed inside the box, which
mysteriously transformed itself into a rabbit, which, in turn,
disappeared into space. I will now ask this gentleman to name the card
he selected, when it will at once appear in my hand. Now, sir, what card
did you select from the pack?" _Giles (who has been following the trick
most intently)._ "Blessed if I recollect!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AFTER THE FIRE

_Rustic_ (_to burnt-out Farmer_). "We r--r--rescued the b--b--beer
zur!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LOCAL PECULIARITIES

At Bilston they always hit the right nail on the head.

At Bolton it is impossible for those who run up ticks to bolt off.

At Broadstairs the accommodation for stout visitors is unrivalled.

At Colchester they are all "natives."

At Coventry, strange to say, they can furnish no statistics of the
number of persons who have been sent there.

At Kidderminster there is certain to be something fresh on the _tapis_.

At Liverpool they are extremely orthodocks.

If you write to Newcastle (Staffordshire) take care to under-Lyne the
address.

At Newmarket they take particular interest in the question of races.

At Portsmouth everything is ship-shape.

At Rye you will meet none but Rye faces.

At Sheffield you will always find a knife and fork laid for you.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "A GOOD WIT WILL MAKE USE OF ANYTHING"

_Shakespeare, Henry the Fourth._

SCENE--_A Pit Village._ TIME--_Saturday Night._

_Barber_ (_to bibulous customer_). "Now, sir, if you don't hold your
head back, I can't shave you!"

_Pitman._ "A'well, hinney, just cut me hair!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT OUR ARCHITECT HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_Our Architect_ (_Spotting
Sixteenth Century gables_). "That's an old bit of work, my friend!"

"Oi, sir, yeu be roight, theer, that you be!"

_O. A._ (_keen for local tradition_). "You don't know exactly _how_ old,
I suppose?"

"Well, noa, sir; but old it be! Whoi, I's knowed it