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                            DAGONET DITTIES

                       WORKS BY GEORGE R. SIMS.


_Post 8vo., illustrated boards_, =2s.= _each; cloth limp_, =2s. 6d.= _each_.

     =ROGUES AND VAGABONDS.=

     =THE RING O’ BELLS.=

     =MARY JANE’S MEMOIRS.=

     =MARY JANE MARRIED.=

     =TALES OF TO-DAY.=

     =DRAMAS OF LIFE.= With 60 Illustrations.

     =TINKLETOP’S CRIME.= With a Frontispiece by MAURICE GREIFFENHAGEN.


_Crown 8vo., picture cover_, =1s.= _each; cloth_, =1s. 6d.= _each_.

     =HOW THE POOR LIVE=; and =HORRIBLE LONDON=.

     =THE DAGONET RECITER AND READER=: being Readings and Recitations in
     Prose and Verse, selected from his own Works by GEORGE R. SIMS.

     THE CASE OF GEORGE CANDLEMAS.


             LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY, W.




                            DAGONET DITTIES


                        [_FROM ‘THE REFEREE’_]


                                  BY

                            GEORGE R. SIMS

      AUTHOR OF ‘HOW THE POOR LIVE,’ ‘ROGUES AND VAGABONDS,’ ETC.

                       [Illustration: colophon]

                           _SECOND EDITION_

                                London
                      CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY
                                 1891




CONTENTS.


                                                                    PAGE

LONDON DAY BY DAY                                                      1

FOR E’ER AND HAIR                                                      3

THE ARTIST’S DILEMMA                                                   5

A DOMESTIC TRAGEDY                                                     7

THE PICK-ME-UP                                                         9

AD COR MEUM                                                           11

ICHABOD                                                               12

A DERBY DITTY                                                         14

SHALL WE REMEMBER?                                                    15

PARADISE AND THE SINNER                                               16

THE INCOME TAX                                                        19

NONSENSE                                                              20

LE MARDI GRAS                                                         23

TWO SUNDAYS                                                           24

THE MAILS ABOARD                                                      25

AT THE PHOTOGRAPHER’S                                                 27

IN GAY JAPAN                                                          29

THE BALACLAVA HEROES                                                  31

A CHILD’S IDEA                                                        32

SANITATION AT SEA                                                     34

GUIGNOL                                                               35

THE ENGLISH SUMMER                                                    35

A PERFECT PARADISE                                                    36

THAT BREEZE                                                           38

BALLAD OF OLD-TIME FOGS                                               39

UNDER THE CLOCK                                                       40

THE GIRL OF FORTY-SEVEN                                               41

CONVENTIONAL MALGRÉ LUI                                               42

HOME, SWEET HOME                                                      44

IN PORTLAND PLACE                                                     45

THE SHIRT BUTTONS                                                     46

THE LONDONER TO HIS LOVE                                              48

THE EIFFEL BONNET                                                     49

TO A FAIR MUSICIAN                                                    51

A WORD FOR THE POLICE                                                 52

THE OLD CLOCK ON THE STAIRS                                           53

MY AMBITION                                                           55

A WISH                                                                56

THE SONG OF HEREDITY                                                  57

SCOTCH’D, NOT KILT                                                    58

THE LAST RESOURCE                                                     59

YE BARS AND GATES                                                     60

PORTRAIT OF A PRINCE                                                  61

THE STRONG MEN                                                        63

A BALLAD OF SOAP                                                      65

THE JOKELETEER                                                        67

BILL SIKES’S PROTEST                                                  68

THE CLARINET                                                          69

NO EVENING DRESS                                                      70

ALONE IN LONDON                                                       70

THE VOLUNTEER                                                         71

THOSE BOOTS                                                           73

A SUNDAY SONG                                                         74

UP THE RIGI                                                           75

A PLEA FOR MERCY                                                      77

IF YOU WERE HERE                                                      78

LE BRAV’ GÉNÉRAL                                                      80

THE PARIS EXHIBITION                                                  81

THE NEW LEGEND                                                        82

A MILD DECEMBER                                                       84

THE LAST DUKE                                                         86

TO THE FOG                                                            88

THE REMINISCENCES OF MR. JOHN DOBBS                                   89

PICKPOCKET POEMS                                                      91

THE CIGARETTE                                                         94

THE EARLY MILK-CART                                                   95

THE COLLABORATORS                                                     98

THE WEN CURE                                                         101

THAT NEW-BORN BABE                                                   103

THE BUTTON                                                           106

A FAÇON DE PARLER                                                    109

JACKSON                                                              110

ANOTHER DANGER                                                       112

AFTER THE ACT                                                        114

THE RIGADOON                                                         117

HOW TO WRITE A NOVEL                                                 121

THE GERMAN GYM                                                       124

TOTTIE                                                               126

THE WELSHMAN IN LONDON                                               127

THE MAGISTRATE                                                       129

THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE                                               131

THE PLAN OF CAMPAIGN                                                 132

THE PEOPLE’S PALACE                                                  133

A CHARADE                                                            135

A TRUE STORY                                                         137

THE PIRATE ’BUS                                                      138

THE WAR-CRY                                                          141

THE “LANCET”                                                         143

A TALE OF A TUB                                                      148

THE COMIC KING                                                       150




          DAGONET DITTIES.




          London Day by Day.


    The smoke in vaster volumes rolls,
    The fever fiend takes larger tolls,
    And sin a fiercer grip of souls,
          In London day by day.

    Still Buggins builds on swampy site,
    And Eiffel houses block the light,
    And make a town of dreadful night
          Of London day by day.

    In fashion’s long and busy street,
    The outcast foreign harlots meet,
    While Robert smiles upon his beat,
          In London day by day.

    Still modest maidens’ cheeks are stung
    With foulest words from wanton’s tongue,
    And oaths yelled out with leathern lung,
          In London day by day.

    Wealth riots in a mad excess,
    While thousands, poor and penniless,
    Starve in the mighty wilderness,
          Of London day by day.

    Wrong proudly rears its wicked head,
    While Right’s sad eyes with tears are red,
    And sluggard Justice lies abed,
          In London day by day.

    The liar triumphs, and the knave
    Rides buoyant on the rolling wave,
    And Liberty makes many a slave
          In London day by day.

    Yet Hope and Trust and Faith and Love,
    And God’s fair dowers from above,
    Still find a branch, like Noah’s dove,
          In London day by day.

    And onward still, though slow the pace,
    Press pilgrims of our grand old race,
    Who seek the Right with firm-set face,
    And shed Truth’s light by God’s good grace
          O’er London day by day.




          For E’er and Hair.


    I said to my sweet in the morning,
      “We must start on our journey at ten”--
    She was up in her bedroom adorning,
      She’d been there a goodish time then;
    And she answered me tenderly, “Poppet,”
      As she came to the top of the stair,
    “If you see a cab pass you can stop it,
      For I’ve only to finish my hair.”

    It was ten by the clock of St. Stephen’s
      As I sat and looked glum in the hall,
    And I offered to wager her evens
      She would never be ready at all.
    I counted the half and the quarters--
      At eleven I ventured to swear;
    Then she answered, like one of Eve’s daughters,
      “All right, dear--I _must_ do my hair.”

    I waited till daylight was waning,
      I waited till darkness began,
    Upbraiding myself for complaining
      Like a selfish and bad-tempered man.
    But when midnight rang out from the steeple
      I ventured to whisper a prayer,
    And she answered, “I hate surly people;
      You _must_ let me finish my hair!”

    I paid for the cab and dismissed it,
      I took off my coat and my hat,
    I held her fair hand and I kissed it,
      And I curled myself up on the mat.
    And when I awoke on the morrow,
      I cried, “Oh, where art thou, my fair?”
    And she answered, “Oh, run out and borrow
      A hairpin or two for my hair.”

    The summers have faded to winters,
      The winters have melted to springs;
    My patience is shivered to splinters,
      And still, as she “puts on her things,”
    My sweet, though I’m weary of waiting,
      And groan in my bitter despair,
    Contents herself simply by stating
      “She’s just got to finish her hair.”

    If she’s here when the world’s at its finish,
      And lists to the last crack of doom,
    She will watch our poor planet diminish
      From the window upstairs in her room.
    And when the last trumpet is blowing,
      And the angel says, “Hurry up, there!”
    She will answer, “All right, sir, I’m going,
      But you _must_ let me finish my hair!”




          The Artist’s Dilemma.


    The artist was out on the stormy seas,
      When his vessel turned upside down,
    And his body was blown by the autumn breeze
      To the shores of a seaside town.
    The fisher-folk spied him miles away,
      And, raising a hearty cheer,
    They rowed the lifeboat across the bay,
      And shouted that help was near.

    The artist had sunk for the second time,
      He’d a shark on his starboard tack,
    But he looked on the boat with a look sublime,
      And he told them to take it back.
    “My bones may bleach in the mermaid’s cave,
      But to art will I e’er be true,
    And never a man my life shall save
      In a boat of that vulgar blue.”

    They found his body at break of day,
      It lay on the briny beach,
    But he soon got better and stole away
      To the house of a local leech.
    He took a draught, and he went to bed
      In a garret that was to spare;
    And when he awoke his host had fled,
      For the place had begun to flare.

    He was up in a garret against the sky,
      And a fire had broken out,
    The flames about him were broad and high,
      And he heard the people shout.
    “Oh, come to the window!” the people cried,
      As they bellowed a mighty cheer;
    “You’d better come down before you’re fried,
      For the fire-escape is here.”

    He opened the casement wide, and reeled
      Back through the flame and smoke--
    For the fire-escape the light revealed--
      And then to the crowd he spoke:
    “I’ll leap in the jaws of the flames that gape,
      For I’d rather be picked up dead
    Than save my life in a fire-escape
      That is painted a vulgar red.”

    They gathered him up with a broom and pan
      From the pavement where he fell,
    And they sent for the undertaker’s man,
      And they toll’d him a passing bell.
    They gave him a funeral plain but good,
      And out of the local purse
    They bought him a coffin of polished wood,
      Which they put in a pair-horse hearse.

    But the artist-spirit in death was strong,
      And it lifted the coffin-lid
    While the horses lazily jogged along,
      And out of the hearse it slid.
    It raised its body and yelled a curse,
      And it shouted and cried “Alack!
    I’m blest if I ride in a beastly hearse
      That is painted a vulgar black.”




          A Domestic Tragedy.


    She was a housemaid, tall and slim,
      A well-conducted, modest girl;
    Her dress was always neat and trim,
      She never sported fringe or curl.
    She did her work, and kept her mind
      Intent upon her household cares;
    One fault alone there was to find--
      She left her dustpan on the stairs.

    She loved her mistress very much,
      She held her master in respect;
    Her grief the hardest heart would touch
      When they’d occasion to correct;
    But still, in spite of all they said--
      In spite of scolding and of prayers--
    Ah, me! to what at last it led!--
      She left her dustpan on the stairs.

    One morn while breakfasting below,
      And glancing at the _Morning Post_,
    She heard a wild and sudden “Oh!”
      That made her drop her buttered toast.
    She heard a heavy fall--and groans;
      The master, taken unawares,
    Had slipped and broken sev’ral bones--
      She’d left the dustpan on the stairs.

    They sent for doctors by the score,
      They fetched in haste Sir Andrew Clark;
    But master’s sufferings soon were o’er--
      That night he sat in Charon’s barque.
    Now in a cell at Colney Hatch
      A gibbering housemaid groans and glares,
    And tries with trembling hands to snatch
      A ghostly dustpan from the stairs.


          MORAL.

    Ye housemaids who this tale may read,
      Remember, backs