VOL. 153, DEC. 26, 1917
***


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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 153

DECEMBER 26, 1917






CHARIVARIA.

Victory is only a question of keeping cool, says VON TIRPITZ. A
long-suffering Fatherland anticipates no difficulty whatever in
following his advice during the winter.

       ***

A semi-official message from Berlin declares that Jerusalem was
evacuated because Germany's friends did not desire to see battles
fought over sacred ground. The Sultan of TURKEY is reported to have
wired to the KAISER to think of another.

       ***

America is still breaking all records. A native artist has painted
a picture which is said to be sixty feet by nineteen, the largest
miniature ever painted in America.

       ***

It is rumoured that at a provincial Tribunal the other day an
applicant asked for a further six months' exemption as he had a wife
and a position in a butter queue to maintain.

       ***

It seems useless to attempt to cope with the multiplicity of events in
these days. Cuba has declared war on Austria; the KAISER threatens
to make a Christmas peace offer, and Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW has
described himself as "a mere individual." And this all in one week.

       ***

According to Dean INGE, Germany is in many ways the best governed
country in Europe. She certainly seems to have a better governed
clergy than ours.

       ***

Much relief is felt at the announcement that rather than endanger the
Allies' "solidarity" Lord LANSDOWNE has promised not to agree with
President WILSON again.

       ***

Bloaters have reached the unprecedented price of six-pence each. It
was hoped that, at any rate, over the Christmas season they would
remain within reach of the upper classes.

       ***

A man has been charged with stealing a railway sandwich at Harwich. It
appears that the poor fellow, who was lonely, wanted to take it home
as a pet.

       ***

A contemporary has a headline, "Swearing in the New French Cabinet."
They are beginning early.

       ***

For adding water to his employer's milk a dairyman's assistant has
been sent to prison. Innocent dairymen must of course be protected.

       ***

Smokers complain that they are discovering unfamiliar substances in
their tobacco. A sensation has been caused by the expert statement
that they are tobacco.

       ***

Orchids were sold for as little as two-pence each at a recent sale,
and alarmed growers are clamouring for the immediate appointment of an
Orchid Controller.

       ***

An evening paper correspondent has complained that he has searched
the shops in vain for a tortoise. So far the various Government
Departments have maintained a dignified silence.

       ***

It is all nonsense for a contemporary to say that the blizzard in the
North on a recent Saturday did no damage. Several of the football
results were delayed.

       ***

While visiting Seaton College, New York, the other day, Mr. ROOSEVELT
saluted a statue of ALEXANDER THE GREAT. We have always maintained
that there is nothing petty about the EX-PRESIDENT.

       ***

The most striking announcement of the year 1917 comes just when it is
almost used up. "There is a steady demand for money," says a Stock
Exchange report.

       ***

A mummified duck, estimated to be two thousand years old, has been
discovered in a sandstone stratum in Iowa. It is not often that the
poulterers of Iowa are caught napping.

       ***

An American policeman is said to have written two successful musical
comedies. If we remember rightly it was an English policeman who first
composed the Frog's March.

       ***

At a Guildford charity fete the winner of a hurdle race was awarded a
new-laid egg. If he succeeds in winning it three years in succession
it is to become his own property.

       ***

The L.B. & S.C. Railway desire to state that the train from which the
deserter jumped without injuring himself was not really doing its
best.

       ***

A burglar was discovered concealed beneath the counter of a Leicester
butter-merchant's shop. It is understood that he came early to avoid
the rush.

      