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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. CL.



APRIL 26, 1916.



CHARIVARIA.

GENERAL VILLA, in pursuit of whom a United States army has already
penetrated four hundred miles into Mexico, is alleged to have died.
It is not considered likely, however, that he will escape as easily
as all that.

       ***

"Germans net the Sound," says a recent issue of a contemporary. We
don't know what profit they will get out of it, but we ourselves in
these hard times are only too glad to net anything.

       ***

Bags of coffee taken from a Norwegian steamer and destined for German
consumption have been found to contain rubber. Once more the
immeasurable superiority of the German chemist as a deviser of
synthetic substitutes for ordinary household commodities is clearly
illustrated. What a contrast to our own scientists, whose use of this
most valuable food substitute has never gone far beyond an occasional
fowl or beefsteak.

       ***

It has been suggested that in honour of the tercentenary of
SHAKSPEARE'S birth Barclay's brewery should be replaced by a new
theatre, a replica of the old Globe Theatre, whose site it is supposed
to occupy; and Mr. REGINALD MCKENNA is understood to have stated that
it is quite immaterial to him.

       ***

"Horseflesh is on sale in the West End," says _The Daily Telegraph_,
"and the public analyst at Westminster reports having examined a
smoked horseflesh sausage and found it genuine." It is only fair to
our readers, however, to point out that the method of testing sausages
now in vogue, _i.e._ with a stethoscope, is only useful for
ascertaining the identity of the animal (if any) contained therein,
and is valueless in the case of sausages that are filled with sawdust,
india-rubber shavings, horsehair and other vegetables.

       ***

Wandsworth Borough has refused the offer of a horse trough on the
ground that there are not enough horses to use it. But there are
always plenty of shirkers.

       ***

Colonel CHURCHILL was reported on Tuesday last as having been seen
entering the side door of No. 11, Downing Street. It was, of course,
the critical stage door.

       ***

The Austrian Government has issued an appeal for dogs "for sanitary
purposes." The valuable properties of the dog for sterilising sausage
casings have long been a secret of the Teuton.

       *       *       *       *       *

Commercial Candour.

    "Real Harris Hand-Knitted Socks, _1s. 6d._: worth _2s. 6d._;
    unwearable."--_Scotch Paper._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Shopkeeper._ "YES, I WANT A GOOD USEFUL LAD TO BE
PARTLY INDOORS AND PARTLY OUTDOORS."

_Applicant._ "AND WHAT BECOMES OF ME WHEN THE DOOR SLAMS?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A Chance for the Illiterate.

    "Wanted, a good, all-round Gardener; illegible."--_Provincial
    Paper._

    "Gardener.--Wanted at once, clever experienced man with good
    knowledge of toms., cucs., mums., &c., to work up small
    nursery."
                                             _Provincial Paper._

One with a knowledge of nursery language preferred.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "MANCHESTER, ENG. The election of directors of the Manchester
    Chamber of Commerce resulted in the return of eighteen out of
    twenty-two directors who are definitely committed to the
    policy of no free trade with the 60th Canadian Battalion."
                                      _Victoria Colonist (B.C.)._

We hope the battalion will not retaliate by refusing protection to
Manchester, Eng.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE CURSE OF BABEL.

Let me tell you about the Baronne de Blanqueville and her grandson.

The Baronne is a Belgian lady who came to England in the early days of
the refugee movement, and established herself here in our village.

With her came her younger daughter and Lou-lou, the infant son of an
elder daughter, who had for some reason to be left behind in Belgium.

Lou-lou was a year old when, with his grandmother and his aunt, he
settled in England as an _emigre_. He was then inarticulate; now he
has gained the use of his tongue.

He has had a little English nursemaid to attend on him, and he has
become a familiar object in many English families of the
neighbourhood.

In fact, he has had a very English bringing up, and now that he is
more than two years old and can talk, he insists on talking English
with volubility and understanding it with completeness.

I may mention, by the way, that someone has taught him some
expressions unusual in so young a mouth. The other day I met him in
his perambulator. He said, "I take the air. I'm damn comfable;"
whereupon the nursemaid blushed and chid him.

That, however, is not the point--at any rate, not the whole of it.

What I wish to make clear is this: the Baronne neither speaks nor
understands English, whereas Lou-lou speaks a great deal of English
and no French at all. He rejects that language with a violent shake of
his curly head. He stamps his small foot and tells his adoring
grandmother to speak English or leave him alone.

Thus a gulf has begun to yawn between the Baronne and her beloved
Lou-lou. Communications are all but broken off. Lou-lou's aunt is in
better case, for she is slowly acquiring English; but the Baronne, I
think, will never learn _any_ English.

What is to be done?

       *       *       *       *       *

    "The rage for flower-trimming is nothing short of an
    obeisance."--_Evening Paper._

In spite of the War we still bow to the decrees of fashion.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE JOY TAX.

    [By one who is prepared to accept it like a patriot without
    further protest.]

  Now Spring comes laughing down the sky
    To see her buds all busy hatching;
      With tender green the woods are gay,
      And birds, as is