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[Illustration: Josh Billings at home.--Preparing his new Lecture.]




  JOSH BILLINGS,

  Hiz Sayings.

  WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS.

  [Illustration]

  NEW YORK:
  _Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square._

  LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO.
  M DCCC LXX.




  Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by
  G. W. CARLETON,

  In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District of
  New York




  TO
  DEAKON URIAH BILLINGS,

  (A man ov menny virtues, and sum vices) this book
  iz completely dedikated--and may he hav
  the strength tew stand it.

  Hiz own nephew,
  JOSHUA BILLINGS

Tred litely, dear reader, for the ^way iz ruff. This book waz got up
tew sell, but if it don't prove tew be a sell, I shan't worry about it.

  J. BILLINGS.




CONTENTS.


                                                                    Page.

  I.  JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE.                                      13

  II.  JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.                                15

  III.  REMARKS.                                                      17

  IV.  ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.                                     19

  V.  A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS.                                            22

  VI.  FEMALE EDDIKASHUN.                                             25

  VII.  DEPOZETIONS.                                                  28

  VIII.  WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES.                                        31

  IX.  PASHUNCE OV JOB.                                               34

  X.  FRIENDLY LETTER.                                                35

  XI.  AFFURISIMS.                                                    37

  XII.  JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS.                                        40

  XIII.  REMARKS.                                                     43

  XIV.  JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE BILLINGSVILLE
           SOWING SOSIETY.                                            45

  XV.  NOSHUNS.                                                       47

  XVI.  SAYINS.                                                       51

  XVII.  REMARKS.                                                     53

  XVIII.  THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH.                              56

  XIX.    MANIFEST DESTINY                                            59

  XX.  ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.                                       62

  XXI.  ON DOGS.                                                      64

  XXII.  SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.                                    67

  XXIII.  FASHION.                                                    70

  XXIV.  REMARKS.                                                     73

  XXV.  PROVERBIAL PIG.                                               75

  XXVI.  PROVERBS.                                                    77

  XXVII.  ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.                                  79

  XXVIII.  PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY.                           82

  XXIX.  A FU REMARKS.                                                85

  XXX.  A LEKTURE TEW MALE YUNG MEN ONLY.                             87

  XXXI.  CLEVER FELLOWS.                                              90

  XXXII.  AFFERISIMS.                                                 92

  XXXIII.  ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.                                   94

  XXXIV.  A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA
  ON MAN.                                                             97

  XXXV.  THE RASE KOARSE.                                            100

  XXXVI.  "GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE."                                   106

  XXXVII.  WATCH DOGS.                                               108

  XXXVIII.  ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.                                 110

  XXXIX.  REMARKS.                                                   113

  XL.  AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK.                                           117

  XLI.  "MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN."                                    120

  XLII.  PROVERBS.                                                   122

  XLIII.  KISSING CONSIDERED.                                        124

  XLIV.  FOR A FU MINNITS AMONG THE SPEERITS.                        128

  XLV.  SAYINGS.                                                     131

  XLVI.  JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH.                                   133

  XLVII.  TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS.                                 137

  XLVIII.  ON WIDDERS.                                               140

  XLIX.  THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER
  TO SEE.                                                            143

  L.  ON COURTING.                                                   145

  LI.  REMARKS.                                                      149

  LII.  THE FAULT FINDER.                                            152

  LIII.  PROVERBS.                                                   154

  LIV.  KOLIDING.                                                    156

  LV.  ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES.                                     157

  LVI.  TRUE BILLS.                                                  161

  LVII.  NARRATIF.                                                   163

  LVIII.  PHOTOGRAPHS.                                               167

  LIX.  AFFERISIMS.                                                  169

  LX.  JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT.                                        172

  LXI.  THINGS THAT SUIT ME.                                         174

  LXII.  MY FIRST GONG.                                              176

  LXIII.  PROVERBS.                                                  178

  LXIV.  DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING--IN 2 PARTS.                          181

  LXV.  CORRESPONDENTS.                                              183

  LXVI.  JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.                          186

  LXVII.  NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.                                   189

  LXVIII.  IS DISPOSING OF THINGS FOR CHARITABLE
  PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN.                                           191

  LXIX.  ADVERTIZEMENT.                                              193

  LXX.  OUT WEST.                                                    196

  LXXI.  SAYINS.                                                     198

  LXXII.  A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN.                                  200

  LXXIII.  A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK.                         203

  LXXIV.  AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.                                       205

  LXXV.  SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES.                         208

  LXXVI.  JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A
  "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN."                              209

  LXXVII.  PROVERBS.                                                 213

  LXXVIII.  DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL.                               216

  LXXIX.  FAKS.                                                      218

  LXXX.  ON LECTURES.                                                219

  LXXXI.  YANKEE NOSHUNS.                                            222

  LXXXII.  ATTENTION! SQUAD!                                         224

  LXXXIII.  THE FUST BABY.                                           226

  LXXXIV.  LAUGHING.                                                 228

  LXXXV.  PIONEERS.                                                  229




JOSH BILLINGS.




I.

JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE.


The mule is haf hoss, and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop,
natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft,
than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker,
nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.
You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than
the mules. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them
into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use,
just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and
will live on huckel berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada
thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu
them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile.
Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you
kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club
wont heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never
herd nobody sa "ded mule." Tha are like sum men, very korrupt at harte;
ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse
to kick sumbody. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is
a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are
pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated
mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa
what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage,
and man want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule,
ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur. Tha are the
strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, ackording tu their sise; I
herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and
sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat
tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the
water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auctioneer
told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was
absolutely convenient.




II.

JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.


I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the
only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my
life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life
insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu
me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old
feller, with a little round gray head, and az pretty a little belly on
him az enny man ever owned:--


QUESTIONS.

1st--Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been
so.

2d--Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?

3d--What is yure precise fiteing weight?

4th--Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?

5th--What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10
commandments!

6th--Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?

7th--Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?

8th--Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.

9th--What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head;
can it be did successfully?

10th--Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to
affect yu?

After answering the above questions, like a