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                        With the Compliments of
                              J. Charlton
                 _General Passenger and Ticket Agent_,
                       CHICAGO AND ALTON R. R.,
                               CHICAGO.

                        [Illustration: A Parody
                                  on
                             PRINCESS IDA
                                  by
                            _D. DALZIEL._]

[Illustration: GLORIA ALTON]

[Illustration: KING GAMA ARRIVES.]

[Illustration: WE ARE WARRIORS THREE.]




                               A PARODY
                                  on
                             PRINCESS IDA

                            BY D. DALZIEL,
                                   _Editor of the Chicago News Letter._


    SCENE--_Interior of King Alton Hilderbrandt’s Palace in the
        City of Chicago, U. S. America. Courtiers, Officials of the
        Service, Soldiers of the Railroad, Body Guard, Conductors
        and Passenger Agents, looking out on the line of the
        Chicago and Alton Railroad with telescopes, opera glasses,
        etc._


                               [CHORUS.]

        Search throughout the Panorama
        For a sign of Royal Gama,
        Who by the Alton this day shall,
        Accompanied by his child and pal,
        Come from Adamant.

        Some misfortune evidently
        Has detained them--consequently
        Search throughout the Panorama
        For the daughter of King Gama,
        Prince Hilarion’s Plant.

FLORIAN--Will Prince Hilarion’s hopes be sadly blighted?

ALL--Who can tell!

FLORIAN--Will Ida slight the man to whom she’s plighted?

ALL--Who can tell!

FLORIAN--Can she an Alton ruler thus irritate?

ALL--Who can tell!

FLORIAN--If so, she’ll pay for it at any rate.

ALL--

        We’ll not despair,
        For Gama would not dare
        To make a deadly foe
        Of Alton’s King, and so

        Search throughout, etc.

                  (_Enter_ KING ALTON HILDERBRANDT.)

HILDERBRANDT--No sign of Gama yet? The regular train from Castle
Adamant came in exactly on time, some fifteen minutes since. I
will here in parenthesis remark, that all trains on the Alton Road
invariably _do_ come in on time. I saw it from my castle window; four
sleepers, two drawing-room cars, a dining car, three reclining-chair
cars and five coaches.

FLORIAN--Your liege forgets that you placed a “special” at his
disposal, but still he should be here.

HILD.--’Tis true, but still it’s very odd. But, if Gama fails to put
in an appearance at the Court before the sun sets, accompanied by his
daughter, to whom our son was betrothed at the extreme age of one, then
there will be war between Gama and ourselves. (_Aside._) I dread this
greeting. When last I saw Gama, twenty years ago, he was a fretful,
twisted monster, with a tongue as bitter as the agents of our rival
lines.

FLORIAN--(_Who has been looking attentively down the track with his
glasses._) But stay! I see the smoke of an approaching train. I
even hear the music of its wheels, as they fly like magic o’er the
glittering rails. Already it is at the station. From a private car I
see somebody; guards descend, and now a bent and crippled form of human
shape. It _must_ be Gama.

HILD.--And is the Princess with him?

FLORIAN--Not unless she’s six foot three, and wears suspenders.

HILD.--Who can tell! I’ve heard that she is a whimsical sort of girl.
But come! Bustle up there. Let everything be prepared. The costliest of
dinners, the meanest of prison fares; the richest room in the palace,
the deepest dungeon, too. For as King Gama brings his daughter, or
brings her not, so shall he be treated.

[Illustration: HILARION AND HIS FRIENDS.]

[Illustration: THE CHICAGO & ALTON DEPOT.]

[Illustration: HILDERBRANDT (furious): ENOUGH OF THIS, WHERE IS YOUR
DAUGHTER?]

    (_Enter_ PRINCE HILARION, _Knight of the Road, Grand Master of
   the United Order of Chicago and Alton Railroad Conductors, and an
                             exquisite_.)

HILARION--(_Aside._) To-day I meet my baby bride, to whom I was
betrothed twenty years since. I have every confidence that my own
accomplishments, and the influence of the line with which I am
connected, will suffice to re-unite our bonds to-day. They are above
par on the market. (_To Hild._) Well, father, is there any news?

HILD.--King Gama has just arrived, and is now on his way here from our
dépôt; but I fear without the Princess.

HILARION--Alas! I have heard strange stories of my bride. They tell
me she has foresworn men--never having had anything to do with them
she probably does not know what she loses. But they say she has shut
herself up in the Castle Adamant accompanied by a number of devotees.
It is strange, considering that she lives so near our line that the
mere proximity of our Alton men has not had its usual influence before
this.

     (_Enter a representative of the Chicago and Alton Railroad._)

REP. OF C. & A. R. R.--My liege, I beg to announce the coming of King
Gama, preceded by his three royal sons.

HILD.--Bid them enter.

        (_Enter_ ARAC, GURON _and_ SYNTHIUS, _warriors bold_.)

ARAC--

                                [SONG.]

        We are warriors three,
        Men of worth are we,
        Just arrived by steam,
        Strange as it may seem.

ALL THREE--

        Yes! yes!
        Strange as it may seem.

GURON--

        Special train we had,
        Not so very bad,
        Really very fine
        By the Alton Line.

ALL THREE--

        Yes! yes!
        By the Alton Line.

SYNTHIUS--

        Dining-car so rich,
        Sleeping-car like which
        Nothing can compare
        Running time so rare.

ALL THREE--

        Yes! yes!
        Nothing can compare.

ARAC--My liege, we beg to present our respects, and to thank you for
our pleasant journey on your line. It is our unpleasant duty also to
announce the coming of our Royal Father.

                         (_Enter_ KING GAMA.)

GAMA--

                                [SONG.]

        If you give me your attention I will tell you what I am,
        I’m a genuine philanthropist--all other kinds are sham.
        Each little fault of temper and each social defect
        In my erring fellow creatures I endeavor to correct.
        To all their little weaknesses I open people’s eyes,
        And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise.
        I love my fellow creatures, I do all the good I can,
        But everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,
                And I can’t think why.

        For all who do me favors I’ve a withering remark,
        And as for beating railroad lines, I think it quite a lark,
        I wheedle out free passes, and I call the road a sham,
        I sell them to the scalpers, that’s the sort of man I am.
        I put rocks upon the railroad tracks, and try to wreck the train,
        Get a madman hired as engineer, and swear the man is sane.
        I spread all sorts of rumors, and have all the fun I can,
        Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,
                And I can’t think why.

        When I get into a sleeper I sit up half the night,
        And try to make the ladies think that everything’s not right.
        I cut in strips the cushions, the curtains always tear,
        And pleasantly suggest aloud: “They are the worse for wear.”
        I go into the smoking car, and remark I never smoke,
        And when the weeds are all put out, I explain it’s all a joke,
        You see, I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
        Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,
                And I can’t think why.

        And yet, with all my little whims I really must decline
        To say a single word against the fav’rite Alton Line.
        To speak in praise of anything goes hard against the grain,
        But I really never was upon such a perfect train.
        I had dinner in a dining car, which every want could fill,
        And I drank my health quite frequently, and didn’t pay my bill.
        You see I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
        Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,
                And I can’t think why.

[Illustration: HILARION CHECKS HIS BAGGAGE.]

[Illustration: ON THE DINING CAR.]

GAMA--So this is the royal castle of the Chicago and Alton Railroad?
Dame Rumor whispered that the place was on a par with everything
connected with the Alton Line. Superb! Royal! Grand!

HILD.--(_Gratified._) Oh! Sire.

GAMA.--But she’s a liar. And this is your son! Dame Rumor also said he
was the leader of fashions among the Alton employes, but he’s changed.
He used to be a singularly handsome child.

HILD.--(_Furious._) Enough of this. Where is your daughter, whom on
your plighted word should be here to-day?

GAMA--She would not be tempted. She hates railroad travelling. I
don’t blame her. I tried to explain that a journey on the Alton was a
delicious reverie set to music on wheels, but she was obdurate. She’s
in Castle Adamant foresworn to all men, surrounded by a hundred maidens
fair, who think as she does.

HILD.--Surely we can win her over?

GAMA--Not you! She and her companions will have nothing to do with
anything masculine. One young lady brought a mail phaeton with her
to the castle and she was expelled. When the time comes for the fast
mail for Kansas City over your line to pass, the young ladies shut
themselves in the basement cellar. Perhaps the never failing graces of
your Alton men may win her.

PRINCE HILARION--Well! I’ll try (_to Cyril and Florian_), and you shall
accompany me. Come quick! Your satchel. We have just time to catch
the fast train for Castle Adamant, and we will see whether the graces
of one Alton man won’t change the tenor of these young ladies’ ideas.
Quick! secure us berths. (_Exit officials._)

HILD.--Yes! and you, King Gama, and your baby boys shall remain here
as hostages. (_Re-enter officials._) Sorry to say, sir, that every
berth in the five sleepers is taken. Nothing left to swing a duster in.

HILD.--Then take our special car (_exit officials to give orders_),
and now, King Gama, a word to you. If aught befall the flower of this
road, look out for your life. Take him to a cell and give him one of
our time tables to pass away the time. (_Exit GAMA and his three sons
in chains._)

The scene changes to the dépôt of the Chicago and Alton Railroad.

_With the prince and his two friends checking their baggage and then
to the gardens at Castle Adamant, a charming retreat on the line of
the Chicago and Alton Railroad. In the distance can be seen the steel
tracks of the Chicago and Alton Railroad glittering in the noonday sun.
The air is calm and balmy, disturbed only by the occasional song of
some bird, or the musical hum of a distant train on the Alton Line, as
it whizzes with lightning speed along the track. The lady graduates of
the Princess Ida’s seminary are on the scene, seated on the lawn at the
feet of Lady Psyche._

LADY P.--Attention, ladies, while I read to you the list of punishments
ordered by the Princess Ida. The first is Claire. She’s expelled.

ALL--Expelled!

LADY P.--Yes, expelled! Because, although she knows that no man of any
kind may scale these walls, she brought a set of chessmen here. The
next is May. She is also expelled for receiving letters.

MAY--They were from my mother!

LADY P.--It matters not, they came by mail.