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A SELECT COLLECTION OF OLD ENGLISH PLAYS, VOL. IX

Originally published by Robert Dodsley in the Year 1744.


Fourth Edition,

Now first chronologically arranged, revised and enlarged with the Notes
of all the Commentators, and new Notes

By

W. CAREW HAZLITT.

1874-76.



CONTENTS:

How a Man May Choose a Good Wife from a Bad
The Return from Parnassus
Wily Beguiled
Lingua
The Miseries of Enforced Marriage






HOW A MAN MAY CHOOSE A GOOD WIFE FROM A BAD.




_EDITION


A Pleasant conceited Comedie, Wherein is shewed how a man may chuse a
good Wife from a bad. As it hath bene sundry times Acted by the Earle of
Worcesters Seruants. London Printed for Mathew Lawe, and are to be solde
at his shop in Paules Church-yard, neare unto S. Augustines gate, at the
signe of the Foxe_. 1602. 4to.

[There were editions in 1605, 1608, 1614, 1621, 1630, 1634, all in 4to.

It is not improbable that the author was Joshua Cooke, to whom, in an
old hand on the title of edit. 1602 in the Museum, it is attributed.]




[PREFACE TO THE FORMER EDITION.[1]]


This play agrees perfectly with the description given of it in the
title; it is certainly a most pleasant conceited comedy, rich in humour,
and written altogether in a right merry vein. The humour is broad and
strongly marked, and at the same time of the most diverting kind; the
characters are excellent, and admirably discriminated; the comic parts
of the play are written with most exquisite drollery, and the serious
with great truth and feeling. Of the present piece there were seven
editions, within a short period, with all of which the present reprint
has been carefully collated, and is now, for the first time, divided
into acts and scenes.



PERSONS REPRESENTED.

OLD MASTER ARTHUR.
OLD MASTER LUSAM.
YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR.
YOUNG MASTER LUSAM.[2]
MASTER ANSELM.
MASTER FULLER.
SIR AMINADAB, _a Schoolmaster_.
JUSTICE REASON.
BRABO.
HUGH, _Justice Reason's Servant_.
PIPKIN, _Master Arthur's Servant_.
_Boys, Officers, &c_.
MISTRESS ARTHUR.
MISTRESS MARY.
MISTRESS SPLAY.
MAID.

_Scene, London_.




A PLEASANT CONCEITED COMEDY; WHEREIN IS SHOWED

HOW A MAN MAY CHOOSE A GOOD WIFE FROM A BAD.



ACT I., SCENE I.


    _The Exchange_.

    _Enter_ YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR _and_ YOUNG MASTER LUSAM.

Y. ART. I tell you true, sir; but to every man
I would not be so lavish of my speech:
Only to you, my dear and private friend,
Although my wife in every eye be held
Of beauty and of grace sufficient,
Of honest birth and good behaviour,
Able to win the strongest thoughts to her,
Yet, in my mind, I hold her the most hated
And loathed object, that the world can yield.

Y. LUS. O Master Arthur, bear a better thought
Of your chaste wife, whose modesty hath won
The good opinion and report of all:
By heaven! you wrong her beauty; she is fair.

Y. ART. Not in mine eye.

Y. LUS. O, you are cloy'd with dainties, Master Arthur,
And too much sweetness glutted hath your taste,
And makes you loathe them: at the first
You did admire her beauty, prais'd her face,
Were proud to have her follow at your heels
Through the broad streets, when all censuring tongues
Found themselves busied, as she pass'd along,
T'extol her in the hearing of you both.
Tell me, I pray you, and dissemble not,
Have you not, in the time of your first-love,
Hugg'd such new popular and vulgar talk,
And gloried still to see her bravely deck'd?
But now a kind of loathing hath quite chang'd
Your shape of love into a form of hate;
But on what reason ground you this hate?

Y. ART. My reason is my mind, my ground my will;
I will not love her: if you ask me why,
I cannot love her. Let that answer you.

Y. LUS. Be judge, all eyes, her face deserves it not;
Then on what root grows this high branch of hate?
Is she not loyal, constant, loving, chaste:
Obedient, apt to please, loath to displease:
Careful to live, chary of her good name,
And jealous of your reputation?
Is she not virtuous, wise, religious?
How should you wrong her to deny all this?
Good Master Arthur, let me argue with you.

                        [_They walk aside_.

    _Enter_ MASTER ANSELM _and_ MASTER FULLER.

FUL. O Master Anselm! grown a lover, fie!
What might she be, on whom your hopes rely?

ANS. What fools they are that seem most wise in love,
How wise they are that are but fools in love!
Before I was a lover, I had reason
To judge of matters, censure of all sorts,
Nay, I had wit to call a lover fool,
And look into his folly with bright eyes.
But now intruding love dwells in my brain,
And franticly hath shoulder'd reason thence:
I am not old, and yet, alas! I doat;
I have not lost my sight, and yet am blind;
No bondman, yet have lost my liberty;
No natural fool, and yet I want my wit.
What am I, then? let me define myself:
A dotard young, a blind man that can see,
A witty fool, a bondman that is free.

FUL. Good aged youth, blind seer, and wise fool,
Loose your free bonds, and set your thoughts to school.

    _Enter_ OLD MASTER ARTHUR _and_ OLD MASTER LUSAM.

O. ART. 'Tis told me, Master Lusam, that my son
And your chaste daughter, whom we match'd together,
Wrangle and fall at odds, and brawl and chide.

O. LUS. Nay, I think so, I never look'd for better:
This 'tis to marry children when they're young.
I said as much at first, that such young brats
Would 'gree together e'en like dogs and cats.

O. ART. Nay, pray you, Master Lusam, say not so;
There was great hope, though they were match'd but young,
Their virtues would have made them sympathise,
And live together like two quiet saints.

O. LUS. You say true, there was great hope, indeed,
They would have liv'd like saints; but where's the fault?

O. ART. If fame be true, the most fault's in my son.

O. LUS. You say true, Master Arthur, 'tis so indeed.

O. ART. Nay, sir, I do not altogether excuse
Your daughter; many lay the blame on her.

O. LUS. Ah! say you so? by the mass, 'tis like enough,
For from her childhood she hath been a shrew.

O. ART. A shrew? you wrong her; all the town admires her
For mildness, chasteness, and humility.

O. LUS. 'Fore God, you say well, she is so indeed;
The city doth admire her for these virtues.

O. ART. O, sir, you praise your child too palpably;
She's mild and chaste, but not admir'd so much.

O. LUS. Ay, so I say--I did not mean admir'd.

O. ART. Yes, if a man do well consider her,
Your daughter is the wonder of her sex.

O. LUS. Are you advis'd of that? I cannot tell,
What 'tis you call the wonder of her sex,
But she is--is she?--ay, indeed, she is.

O. ART. What is she?

O. LUS. Even what you will--you know best what she is.

ANS. Yon is her husband: let us leave this talk:[3]
How full are bad thoughts of suspicion;
I love, but loathe myself for loving so,
Yet cannot change my disposition.

FUL. _Medice, cura teipsum_.

ANS. _Hei mihi! quod nullis amor est medicabilis herbis_.

                             [_Exeunt_ ANSELM and FULLER.

Y. ART. All your persuasions are to no effect,
Never allege her virtues nor her beauty,
My settled unkindness hath begot
A resolution to be unkind still,
My ranging pleasures love variety.

Y. LUS. O, too unkind unto so kind a wife,
Too virtueless to one so virtuous,
And too unchaste unto so chaste a matron.

Y. ART. But soft, sir, see where my two fathers are
Busily talking; let us shrink aside,
For if they see me, they are bent to chide.

                   [_Exeunt_ Y. ARTHUR _and_ Y. LUSAM.

O. ART. I think 'tis best to go straight to the house,
And make them friends again; what think ye, sir?

O. LUS. I think so too.

O. ART. Now I remember, too, that's not so good:
For divers reasons, I think best stay here,
And leave them to their wrangling--what think you?

O. LUS. I think so too.

O. ART. Nay, we will go, that's certain.

O. LUS. Ay, 'tis best, 'tis best--
In sooth, there's no way but to go.

O. ART. Yet if our going should breed more unrest,
More discord, more dissension, more debate,
More wrangling where there is enough already?
'Twere better stay than go.

O. LUS. 'Fore God, 'tis true;
Our going may, perhaps, breed more debate,
And then we may too late wish we had stay'd;
And therefore, if you will be rul'd by me,
We will not go, that's flat: nay, if we love
Our credits or our quiets, let's not go.

O. ART. But if we love
Their credits or their quiets, we must go,
And reconcile them to their former love;
Where there is strife betwixt a man and wife 'tis hell,
And mutual love may be compared to heaven,
For then their souls and spirits are at peace.
Come, Master Lusam, now 'tis dinner-time;
When we have dined, the first work we will make,
Is to decide their jars for pity's sake.

O. LUS. Well fare a good heart! yet are you advis'd?
Go, said you, Master Arthur? I will run
To end these broils, that discord hath begun.

                                    [_Exeunt_.



SCENE II.


    _Young Arthur's House_.

    _Enter_ MISTRESS ARTHUR _and_ PIPKIN.

MRS ART. Come hither, Pipkin.
How chance you tread so softly?

PIP. For fear of breaking, mistress.

MRS ART. Art thou afraid of breaking, how so?

PIP. Can you blame me, mistress? I am crack'd already.

MRS ART. Crack'd, Pipkin, how? hath any crack'd your crown?

PIP. No, mistress; I thank God,
My crown is current, but--

MRS ART. But what?

PIP. The maid gave me not my supper yesternight, so that indeed my belly
wambled, and standing near the great sea-coal fire in the hall, and not
being full, on the sudden I crack'd, and you know, mistress, a pipkin is
soon broken.

MRS ART. Sirrah, run to the Exchange, and if you there
Can find my husband, pray him to come home;
Tell him I will not eat a bit of bread
Until I see him; prythee, Pipkin, run.

PIP. By'r Lady, mistress, if I should tell him so, it may be he would
not come, were it for no other cause but to save charges; I'll rather
tell him, if he come not quickly, you will eat up all the meat in the
house, and then, if he be of my stomach, he will run every foot, and
make the more haste to dinner.

MRS ART. Ay, thou may'st jest; my heart is not so light
It can digest the least conceit of joy:
Entreat him fairly, though I think he loves
All places worse that he beholds me in.
Wilt thou begone?

PIP. Whither, mistress? to the 'Change?

MRS ART. Ay, to the 'Change.

PIP. I will, mistress: hoping my master will go so oft to the 'Change,
that at length he will change his mind, and use you more kindly. O, it
were brave if my master could meet with a merchant of ill-ventures, to
bargain with him for all his bad conditions, and he sell them outright!
you should have a quieter heart, and we all a quieter house. But hoping,
mistress, you will pass over all these jars and squabbles in good health,
as my master was at the making thereof, I commit you.

MRS ART. Make haste again, I prythee. [_Exit_ PIPKIN.] Till I see him,
My heart will never be at rest within me:
My husband hath of late so much estrang'd
His words, his deeds, his heart from me,
That I can seldom have his company;
And even that seldom with such discontent,
Such frowns, such chidings, such impatience,
That did not truth and virtue arm my thoughts,
They would confound me with despair and hate,
And make me run into extremities.
Had I deserv'd the least bad look from him,
I should account myself too bad to live,
But honouring him in love and chastity,
All judgments censure freely of my wrongs.
                                   [_Exit_.

    _Enter_ YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR, YOUNG MASTER LUSAM, _and_ PIPKIN.

Y. ART. Pipkin, what said she when she sent for me?

PIP. 'Faith, master, she said little, but she thought
[The] more, for she was very melancholy.

Y. ART. Did I not tell you she was melancholy,
For nothing else but that she sent for me,
And fearing I would come to dine with her.

Y. LUS. O, you mistake her; even, upon my soul,
I durst affirm you wrong her chastity.
See where she doth attend your coming home.

    _Enter_ MISTRESS ARTHUR.

MRS ART. Come, Master Arthur, shall we in to dinner?
Sirrah, begone, and see it served in.

Y. LUS. Will you not speak unto her?

Y. ART. No, not I; will you go in, sir.

MRS ART. Not speak to me! nor once look towards me!
It is my duty to begin, I know,
And I will break this ice of courtesy.
You are welcome home, sir.

Y. ART. Hark, Master Lusam, if she mock me not!
_You are welcome home, sir_. Am I welcome home?
Good faith, I care not if I be or no.

Y. LUS. Thus you misconstrue all things, Master Arthur.
Look, if her true love melt not into tears.

Y. ART. She weeps, but why? that I am come so soon,
To hinder her of some appointed guests,
That in my absence revel in my house:
She weeps to see me in her company,
And, were I absent, she would laugh with joy.
She weeps to make me weary of the house,
Knowing my heart cannot away with grief.

MRS ART. Knew I that mirth would make you love my bed,
I would enforce my heart to be more merry.

Y. ART. Do you not hear? she would enforce her heart!
All mirth is forc'd, that she can make with me.

Y. LUS. O misconceit, how bitter is thy taste!
Sweet Master Arthur, Mistress Arthur too,
Let me entreat you reconcile these jars,
Odious to heaven, and most abhorr'd of men.

MRS ART. You are a stranger, sir; but by your words
You do appear an honest gentleman.
If you profess to be my husband's friend,
Persist in these persuasions, and be judge
With all indifference in these discontents.
Sweet husband, if I be not fair enough
To please your eye, range where you list abroad,
Only, at coming home, speak me but fair:
If you delight to change, change when you please,
So that you will not change your love to me.
If you delight to see me drudge and toil,
I'll be your drudge, because 'tis your delight.
Or if you think me unworthy of the name
Of your chaste wife, I will become your maid,
Your slave, your servant--anything you will,
If for that name of servant and of slave
You will but smile upon me now and then.
Or if, as I well think, you cannot love me,
Love where you list, only but say you love me:
I'll feed on shadows, let the substance go.
Will you deny me such a small request?
What, will you neither love nor flatter me?
O, then I see your hate here doth but wound me,
And with that hate it is your frowns confound me.

Y. LUS. Wonder of women! why, hark you, Master Arthur!
What is your wife, a woman or a saint?
A wife or some bright angel come from heav'n?
Are you not mov'd at this strange spectacle?
This day I have beheld a miracle.
When I attempt this sacred nuptial life,
I beg of heaven to find me such a wife.

Y. ART. Ha, ha! a miracle, a prodigy!
To see a woman weep is as much pity
As to see foxes digg'd out of their holes.
If thou wilt pleasure me, let me see thee less;
Grieve much; they say grief often shortens life:
Come not too near me, till I call thee, wife;
And that will be but seldom. I will tell thee,
How thou shalt win my heart--die suddenly,
And I'll become a lusty widower:
The longer thy life lasts, the more my hate
And loathing still increaseth towards thee.
When I come home and find thee cold as earth,
Then will I love thee: thus thou know'st my mind.
Come, Master Lusam, let us in to dine.

Y. LUS. O, sir, you too much affect this evil;
Poor saint! why wert thou yok'd thus with a devil?    [_Aside_.

                    [_Exeunt_ Y. ART. _and_ Y. LUS.

MRS ART. If thou wilt win my heart, die suddenly!
But that my soul was bought at such a rate,
At such a high price as my Saviour's blood,
I would not stick to lose it with a stab;
But, virtue, banish all such fantasies.
He is my husband, and I love him well;
Next to my own soul's health I tender him,
And would give all the pleasures of the world
To buy his love, if I might purchase it.
I'll follow him, and like a servant wait,
And strive by all means to prevent his hate.
                                       [_Exit_.


    _Enter_ OLD MASTER ARTHUR _and_ OLD MASTER LUSAM.

O. ART. This is my son's house; were it best go in?
How say you, Master Lusam?

O. LUS. How? Go in? How say you, sir?

O. ART. I say 'tis best.

O. LUS. Ay, sir, say you so? so say I too.

O. ART. Nay, nay, it is not best; I'll tell you why.
Haply the fire of hate is quite extinct
From the dead embers; now to rake them up,
Should the least spark of discontent appear,
To make the flame of hatred burn afresh,
The heat of this dissension might scorch us;
Which, in his own cold ashes smother'd up,
May die in silence, and revive no more:
And therefore tell me, is it best or no?

O. LUS. How say you, sir?

O. ART. I say it is not best.

O. LUS. Mass, you say well, sir, and so say I too.

O. ART. But shall we lose our labour to come hither,
And, without sight of our two children,
Go back again? nay, we will in, that's sure.

O. LUS. In, quotha! do you make a doubt of that;
Shall we come thus far, and in such post-haste,
And have our children here, and both within,
And not behold them e'er our back-return?
It were unfriendly and unfatherly.
Come, Master Arthur, pray you follow me.

O. ART. Nay, but hark you, sir, will you not knock?

O. LUS. Is't best to knock?

O. ART. Ay, knock in any case.

O. LUS. 'Twas well you put it in my mind to knock,
I had forgotten it else, I promise you.

O. ART. Tush, is't not my son's and your daughter's door,
And shall we two stand knocking? Lead the way.

O. LUS. Knock at our children's doors! that were a jest.
Are we such fools to make ourselves so strange,
Where we should still be boldest? In, for shame!
We will not stand upon such ceremonies.

                                      [_Exeunt_.



SCENE III.


    _The Street_.

    _Enter_ ANSELM _and_ FULLER.

FUL. Speak: in what cue, sir, do you find your heart,
Now thou hast slept a little on thy love?

ANS. Like one that strives to shun a little plash
Of shallow water, and (avoiding it)
Plunges into a river past his depth:
Like one that from a small spark steps aside,
And falls in headlong to a greater flame.

FUL. But in such fires scorch not thyself, for shame!
If she be fire, thou art so far from burning,
That thou hast scarce yet warm'd thee at her face;
But list to me, I'll turn thy heart from love,
And make thee loathe all of the feminine sex.
They that have known me, knew me once of name
To be a perfect wencher: I have tried
All sorts, all sects, all states, and find them still
Inconstant, fickle, always variable.
Attend me, man! I will prescribe a method,
How thou shalt win her without all peradventure.

ANS. That would I gladly hear.

FUL. I was once like thee,
A sigher, melancholy humorist,
Crosser of arms, a goer without garters,
A hatband-hater, and a busk-point[4] wearer,
One that did use much bracelets made of hair,
Rings on my fingers, jewels in mine ears,
And now and then a wench's carcanet,
Scarfs, garters, bands, wrought waistcoats, gold-stitch'd caps,
A thousand of those female fooleries; but when
I look'd into the glass of reason, straight
I began to loathe that female bravery,
And henceforth studied[5] to cry
_Peccavi_ to the world.

ANS. I pray you, to your former argument:
Prescribe a means to win my best-belov'd.

FUL. First, be not bashful, bar all blushing tricks:
Be not too apish-female; do not come
With foolish sonnets to present her with,
With legs, with curtsies, congees, and such like:
Nor with penn'd speeches, or too far-fetch'd sighs:
I hate such antique, quaint formality.

ANS. O, but I cannot snatch[6] occasion:
She dashes every proffer with a frown.

FUL. A frown, a fool! art thou afraid of frowns?
He that will leave occasion for a frown,
Were I his judge (all you his case bemoan),
His doom should be ever to lie alone.

ANS. I cannot choose but, when a wench says nay,
To take her at her word, and leave my suit.

FUL. Continue that opinion, and be sure
To die a virgin chaste, a maiden pure.
It was my chance once, in my wanton days,
To court a wench; hark, and I'll tell thee how:
I came unto my love, and she look'd coy,
I spake unto my love, she turn'd aside,
I touch'd my love, and 'gan with her to toy,
But she sat mute, for anger or for pride;
I striv'd and kiss'd my love, she cry'd _Away_!
Thou wouldst have left her thus--I made her stay.
I catch'd my love, and wrung her by the hand:
I took my love, and set her on my knee,
And pull'd her to me; O, you spoil my band,
You hurt me, sir; pray, let me go, quoth she.
I'm glad, quoth I, that you have found your tongue,
And still my love I by the finger wrung.
I ask'd her if she lov'd me; she said, No.
I bad her swear; she straight calls for a book;
Nay then, thought I, 'tis time to let her go,
I eas'd my knee, and from her cast a look.
She leaves me wond'ring at these strange affairs,
And like the wind she trips me up the stairs.
I left the room below, and up I went,
Finding her thrown upon her wanton bed:
I ask'd the cause of her sad discontent;
Further she lies, and, making room, she said,
Now, sweeting, kiss me, having time and place;
So clings me to her with a sweet embrace.

ANS. Is't possible? I had not thought till now,
That women could dissemble. Master Fuller,
Here dwells the sacred mistress of my heart;
Before her door I'll frame a friv'lous walk,
And, spying her, with her devise some talk.

    _Enter_ YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR, MISTRESS ARTHUR, OLD MASTER ARTHUR,
    OLD MASTER LUSAM, YOUNG MASTER LUSAM, _and_ PIPKIN.

FUL. What stir is this? let's step but out the way,
And hear the utmost what these people say.

O. ART. Thou art a knave, although thou be my son.
Have I with care and trouble brought thee up,
To be a staff and comfort to my age,
A pillar to support me, and a crutch
To lean on in my second infancy,
And dost thou use me thus? Thou art a knave.

O. LUS. A knave, ay, marry, and an arrant knave;
And, sirrah, by old Master Arthur's leave,
Though I be weak and old, I'll prove thee one.

Y. ART. Sir, though it be my father's pleasure thus
To wrong me with the scorned name of knave,
I will not have you so familiar,
Nor so presume upon my patience.

O LUS. Speak, Master Arthur, is he not a knave?

O. ART. I say he is a knave.

O. LUS. Then so say