



Produced by David Widger





THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
(In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903



BOOK IV.


Let any one judge my surprise and grief at not finding her on my arrival.
I now felt regret at having abandoned M. le Maitre, and my uneasiness
increased when I learned the misfortunes that had befallen him.  His box
of music, containing all his fortune, that precious box, preserved with
so much care and fatigue, had been seized on at Lyons by means of Count
Dortan, who had received information from the Chapter of our having
absconded with it.  In vain did Le Maitre reclaim his property, his means
of existence, the labor of his life; his right to the music in question
was at least subject to litigation, but even that liberty was not allowed
him, the affair being instantly decided on the principal of superior
strength.  Thus poor Le Maitre lost the fruit of his talents, the labor
of his youth, and principal dependence for the support of old age.

Nothing was wanting to render the news I had received truly afflicting,
but I was at an age when even the greatest calamities are to be
sustained; accordingly I soon found consolation.  I expected shortly
to hear news of Madam de Warrens, though I was ignorant of the address,
and she knew nothing of my return.  As to my desertion of Le Maitre (all
things considered) I did not find it so very culpable.  I had been
serviceable to him at his retreat; it was not in my power to give him any
further assistance.  Had I remained with him in France it would not have
cured his complaint.  I could not have saved his music, and should only
have doubled his expense: in this point of view I then saw my conduct;
I see it otherwise now.  It frequently happens that a villainous action
does not torment us at the instant we commit it, but on recollection, and
sometimes even after a number of years have elapsed, for the remembrance
of crimes is not to be extinguished.

The only means I had to obtain news of Madam de Warrens was to remain at
Annecy.  Where should I seek her in Paris? or how bear the expense of
such a journey?  Sooner or later there was no place where I could be so
certain to hear of her as that I was now at; this consideration
determined me to remain there, though my conduct was very indifferent.
I did not go to the bishop, who had already befriended me, and might
continue to do so; my patroness was not present, and I feared his
reprimands on the subject of our flight; neither did I go to the
seminary, M. Graswas no longer there; in short, I went to none of my
acquaintances.  I should gladly have visited the intendant's lady, but
did not dare; I did worse, I sought out M. Venture, whom (notwithstanding
my enthusiasm) I had never thought of since my departure.  I found him
quite gay, in high spirits, and the universal favorite of the ladies of
Annecy.

This success completed my infatuation; I saw nothing but M. Venture; he
almost made me forget even Madam de Warrens.  That I might profit more at
ease by his instructions and example, I proposed to share his lodgings,
to which he readily consented.  It was at a shoemaker's; a pleasant,
jovial fellow, who, in his county dialect, called his wife nothing but
trollop; an appellation which she certainly merited.  Venture took care
to augment their differences, though under an appearance of doing the
direct contrary, throwing out in a distant manner, and provincial
accents, hints that produced the utmost effect, and furnished such scenes
as were sufficient to make any one die with laughter.  Thus the mornings
passed without our thinking of them; at two or three o'clock we took some
refreshment.  Venture then went to his various engagements, where he
supped, while I walked alone, meditating on his great merit, coveting and
admiring his rare talents, and cursing my own unlucky stars, that did not
call me to so happy a life.  How little did I then know of myself! mine
had been a thousand times more delightful, had I not been such a fool, or
known better how to enjoy it.

Madam de Warrens had taken no one with her but Anet: Merceret, the
chambermaid, whom I have before mentioned, still remained in the house.
Merceret was something older than myself, not pretty, but tolerably
agreeable; good-natured, free from malice, having no fault to my
knowledge but being a little refractory with her mistress.  I often went
to see her; she was an old acquaintance, who recalled to my remembrance
one more beloved, and this made her dear to me.  She had several friends,
and among others one Mademoiselle Giraud, a Genevese, who, for the
punishment of my sins, took it in her head to have an inclination for me,
always pressing Merceret, when she returned her visits, to bring me with
her.  As I liked Merceret, I felt no disinclination to accompany her;
besides I met there with some young people whose company pleased me.
For Mademoiselle Giraud, who offered every kind of enticement, nothing
could increase the aversion I had for her.  When she drew near me, with
her dried black snout, smeared with Spanish snuff, it was with the utmost
difficulty that I could refrain from expressing my distaste; but, being
pleased with her visitors, I took patience.  Among these were two girls
who (either to pay their court to Mademoiselle Giraud or myself) paid me
every possible attention.  I conceived this to be only friendship; but
have since thought it depended only on myself to have discovered
something more, though I did not even think of it at the time