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MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
beginning in 1841 to the present day.

[Illustration]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:] _Edwin (suddenly, after a long pause)._ "Darling!"

_Angelina._ "Yes, darling?"

_Edwin._ "Nothing, darling. Only _darling_, darling!"

    [_Bilious Old Gentleman feels quite sick._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

BEING

THE HUMOURS OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY

[Illustration]

_WITH 150 ILLUSTRATIONS_

BY

  JOHN LEECH,
  CHARLES KEENE,
  GEORGE DU MAURIER,
  SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
  PHIL MAY,
  E. T. REED,
  L. RAVEN-HILL,
  GORDON BROWNE,
  TOM BROWNE,
  J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
  C. E. BROCK,
  REGINALD CLEAVER,
  CHARLES PEARS,
  A. S. BOYD,
  LEWIS BAUMER,
  DAVID WILSON,
  G. L. STAMPA,
  AND OTHERS.

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

  LIFE IN LONDON
  COUNTRY LIFE
  IN THE HIGHLANDS
  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
  IRISH HUMOUR
  COCKNEY HUMOUR
  IN SOCIETY
  AFTER DINNER STORIES
  IN BOHEMIA
  AT THE PLAY
  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
  ON THE CONTINONG
  RAILWAY BOOK
  AT THE SEASIDE
  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN
  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
  BOOK OF SPORTS
  GOLF STORIES
  IN WIG AND GOWN
  ON THE WARPATH
  BOOK OF LOVE
  WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: Take Back the Heart That You Gave Me]

ABOUT MATRIMONIAL JOKES, AND ONE IN PARTICULAR

Of all Mr. Punch's jokes it might be fair to say that none has ever
rivalled the popularity of "Advice to persons about to marry,--Don't!"
unless it be that of the Scotsman who had been no more than a few hours
in London, "when bang went saxpence!" Of the latter, more in its place;
here, we are immediately concerned with "Punch's advice." The most
preposterous stories are current among the uninformed as to the origin
of some of Mr. Punch's favourite jests. Only recently we heard a
gentleman telling a group of people in a hotel smoking-room that Mark
Twain got a hundred pounds from Punch for writing that famous line, "I
used your soap two years ago; since then I have used no other," familiar
to every one by Mr. Harry Furniss's drawing of a disreputable tramp who
is supposed to be writing the words quoted. As a matter of fact, the
idea came to Mr. Furniss from an anonymous correspondent. Stories
equally, if not more, absurd have been told as to the origin of "Punch's
advice," which, thanks to the researches of Mr. Spielmann, we now know
to have been the happy inspiration of Henry Mayhew, one of the founders
of _Punch_. It was sixty-one years ago that Mayhew wrote the line, and
how many millions of times it must have been quoted since one dare not
guess!

It may be said to have struck the keynote of Mr. Punch's matrimonial
policy, as an examination of his pages reveals him an incorrigible
pessimist on the subject of marriage. He is very hard on the
mother-in-law, but in all his life he has not made more than one or two
jokes about the young wife's pastry, though he has made a good deal of
fun about her general ignorance of domestic affairs. Nor has he spared
the bachelor or the old maid, and the designing widow has been an
especial butt for his shafts.

It might be a good thing to pass a law prohibiting young and
marriageable men from reading _Punch_, in order to save many of them
from being discouraged and frightened out of the thought of marriage,
and it would certainly be an incentive thereto--they would be tempted to
become Benedicts if only that they might qualify for the removal of the
prohibition!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "DRIVEN TO DESPERATION"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration]

ADVICE TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Don't.

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVICE TO PERSONS WHO HAVE "FALLEN IN LOVE."--Fall out.

       *       *       *       *       *

ENCOURAGING.--_George (who has just engaged himself to the Girl of his
heart) breaks the happy news to his friend Jack (who has been married
some time)._--_Jack._ "Ah! well, my dear fellow, marriage is the best
thing in the long run, and I can assure you that after a year or two a
man gets used to it, and feels just as jolly as if he'd never married at
all!"

       *       *       *       *       *

A DEFINITION.--Flirtation: a spoon with nothing in it.

       *       *       *       *       *

DOMESTIC.--It was a homely but pungent observation, on the part of a man
of much experience and observation, that marriage without love was like
tripe without onions.

       *       *       *       *       *

ADAGE BY A YOUNG LADY.--Man proposes, but mamma disposes.

       *       *       *       *       *

BY A BEASTLY OLD BACHELOR.--A married man's fate (in brief).--Hooked,
booked, cooked.

       *       *       *       *       *

DESCRIBE A HOME-CIRCLE.--The wedding ring.

       *       *       *       *       *

HOW TO FIX THE HAPPY DAY.--_Q._ When's the best day for a wedding? _A._
Why, of course, "A _Weddin's day_."

       *       *       *       *       *

    DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

    Said Stiggins to his wife one day,
      "We've nothing left to eat;
    If things go on in this queer way,
      We shan't make _both ends meet_."

    The dame replied, in words discreet,
      "We're not so badly fed,
    If we can make but _one_ end _meat_,
      And make the other _bread_."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Clergyman._ "Augustus, wilt thou take this woman----"

_Bride (late of Remnant & Co.'s Ribbon Department). "Lady!"_]

       *       *       *       *       *

TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Take care to choose a lady help, and not a
lady encumbrance.

       *       *       *       *       *

ACCOUNTED FOR AT LAST.--Is it not strange that the "best man" at a
wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many
unhappy marriages.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST WARDS OF A LATCHKEY.--Homewards!

       *       *       *       *       *

ONE GREAT LOTTERY OFFICE STILL RECOGNISED BY THE LAW.--The Marriage
Register.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "There goes the _second_ Mrs. Muggeray!"

"Gracious! What on earth did he marry her for?"

"Oh, he said he wanted some one to amuse the children!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: WONDERFUL WHAT AN ADJECTIVE WILL DO

_Brown (newly married--to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings
previously)._ "Well, what did you think of us, old boy, eh?"

_Jones._ "Oh, pretty flat. Er--awfully pretty flat!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY.--"But _why_ do you want to marry her?" "Because I
_love_ her!" "My dear fellow, that's an _excuse_--not a _reason_!"

       *       *       *       *       *

TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--What is enough for one, is half enough for
two, short commons for three, and starvation for half a dozen.

       *       *       *       *       *

    LOVE SONG

    Love me, lady!
      My hair is gray;
    When round comes pay-day
      I cannot pay.
    My corns are awful,
      My prospects shady,
    I want a comforter:
      Love me, lady!

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTES OF ADMIRATION.--Love letters.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THERE IS A TIE THAT BINDS US TO OUR HOMES"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _He._ "I can't understand Phyllis rejecting me last
night."

_She._ "Never mind. You'll soon get over it."

_He._ "Oh, _I_'ve got over it right enough; but I can't help feeling so
doosid sorry for _her_. I shan't ask her again!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "A NIGHT OF IT"

_Young Wife_ (2 A.M.). "Dinner at the Albion! the theatre! and supper
and a rubber at the club! Well, Henry, I wonder you did not go to all
the places of amusement in London, and (_sobbing_) not come home all
night!"

_Henry._ "My dear, all th' other places shu' rup!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SENSE AND SENSIBILITY

A FRAGMENT

"Yes, Robert! But O! do look at the excellent evening glow on yon distant
hills! How solemn!! How sublime!"

"O! stunning. Well, _then_ I measured the scullery: six feet by ten...
that'll just do, won't it?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PRIMARY ROCK]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE EFFECT OF GETTING MARRIED.--"Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered
since his marriage!" remarked one friend to another. "Why, yes, of
course," replied the other; "directly a man's neck is in the nuptial
noose, every one must see that he's a haltered person."

       *       *       *       *       *

A BAD PRE-EMINENCE.--What is there beats a good wife? A bad husband.

       *       *       *       *       *

QUESTION BY A SEWING MACHINE.--What is woman's true sphere?--The
_Hem_isphere.

       *       *       *       *       *

A MARRIAGE QUESTION.--If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow