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Punch, or the London Charivari

Volume 105, October 21st 1893

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

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[Illustration: THE SHAFTESBURY FOUNTAIN AGAIN.

SENSATIONAL INCIDENT IN PICCADILLY CIRCUS, AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST.]

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THE WAR IN SOUTH AMERICA.

(_From our Correspondent on the Spot._)

  _There or Thereabouts, Saturday._

I hope you will not believe all you hear. I am told that the messages
are tampered with, but this I trust to get through the lines without
difficulty. It is being carried by a professional brigand disguised as
a monk.

First let me disabuse the minds of your readers about the blowing up
of the hospital. It is quite true that the place was sent spinning
into the air. But the patients were put to the minimum of
inconvenience. They were removed from the wards without being called
upon to quit their beds. They went somewhere after returning to the
ground, but where I do not know. Some of the local doctors say that
the change of air (caused by the explosion) may have done them good.
It is not impossible.

I am glad to be able to contradict the report that the Stock Exchange
and the apple-stall at the corner were both bombarded. This is a
deliberate falsehood. The Stock Exchange, it is true, was razed to the
ground, but the apple-stall escaped uninjured. This is an example of
the reckless fashion in which reports are circulated.

Then about the burning of the city. It is certainly true that the
place was set alight in two hundred places at once. But the day was
cold, and I think it was only done because the troops wanted to warm
their hands. You must not believe all you hear, and it is unwise to
impute motives before receiving explanations. The people here are
warm-hearted and sympathetic, and the soldiers (as a body) are the
mildest-mannered persons imaginable.

And the report about the blowing-up of the bridges. Here again there
has been gross exaggeration. The bed of the river, in spite of reports
to the contrary, was left undisturbed. Only the stone-work was sent
spinning, and yet some reporters insist that everything was blown into
smithereens! Reporters really should be more careful.

And now I must conclude, as my brigand, disguised as a priest, is just
off.

As a parting request, I would urge upon my stockbrokers to buy. We
are sure to have a rise presently, and I predict this with the
greater confidence as I know that the house in which I am writing is
undermined.

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[Illustration: WASTED SWEETNESS.

A HEARTRENDING STUDY OF SHADOW ON THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAY!]

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The _P. M. Magazine_ goes in for discussion of Bi-metallism. Sir JOHN
LUBBOCK writes about "The Case for Gold," and Mr. VICARY GIBBS, M.P.,
about "The Case for Silver." Considering the relative value of the
metals, the case for gold ought to be out and away the stronger of the
two, impregnable, and burglar-proof, so that it could be advertised
thus: "It's no use having gold unless you have Sir JOHN LUBBOCK'S
'case for gold' to keep it in."

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[Illustration: BEHEMOTH AND THE LION; OR, SPEARS AND QUILLS.

_A Fable for Pseudo-Philanthropists._

_Philanthropist Press-Man._ "OH STOP, STOP, MISTER LION! WAIT A BIT!
PERHAPS THE PRETTY CREATURE MEANS NO HARM!"

_Leo (curtly)._ "_LOOK AT HIS TEETH!_"]

[Mr. RIDER HAGGARD (writing to the _Times_) remarks that a
considerable section of the English Press seems to be of opinion that
LOBENGULA is an innocent and worthy savage, on whom a quarrel is
being forced by the Chartered Company for its own mercenary ends.
He suggests that the appearance of an armed Matabele impi in Mayfair
might alter their views.]

  "Behemoth is big and black, and monstrous-mouthed and toothfull,
  But to say he is carnivorous were cruelly untruthful!"
  So quoth the Querulous Quillman, or Pen-armed Philanthropist,
  Whose intellect seems ever in a sentimental mist.
  Now Leo, little given to read books on Natural History,
  Was watchful of Dame Nature's _facts_. "It seems to me a mystery
  My querulous Press Porcupine," observed the wary Lion,
  "That what you've set your heart on, you can never keep clear eye
          on.
  _Look at his teeth!_" "Oh, nonsense!" cried the Querulous
          Quillman, quoting
  From a book on Big Mammalia, to which he'd been devoting
  All his odd moments recently. "Those tusks may look terrific,
  But the monster's graminivorous, and pleasant, and pacific.
  They're solely meant for cutting grass! Huge uppers and big lowers,
  Though threatening as ripping-saws, are harmless as lawn-mowers.
  As weapons of offence they're seldom used, so here 'tis stated,
  'Unless the creature's wounded sore, or greatly irritated.'
  He is innocent and worthy, this Titanic-jawed Colossus.
  Those gleaming tusks won't 'chump' you, he won't trample us, or
          toss us,
  Unless we interfere with him