



Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles
Franks, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team







MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY

By Finley Peter Dunne


_Illustrated by_ F. OPPER.



{Illustration: POOR PEOPLE 'LL HAVE SIMPLE MEALS.}



_To the Hennessys of the world who suffer and are silent_




PREFACE


The reporter of these monologues would apologize for the frequent
reappearances of Mr. Dooley, if he felt the old gentleman would
appreciate an apology in his behalf. But Mr. Dooley has none of the
modesty that has been described as "an invention for protection against
envy," because unlike that one of his distinguished predecessors who
discovered this theory to excuse his own imperfect but boastful egotism,
he recognizes no such human failing as envy. Most of the papers in the
present collection of the sayings of this great and learned man have
appeared in the press of America and England. This will account for the
fact that they deal with subjects that have pressed hard upon the minds
of newspaper readers, statesmen, and tax-payers during the year.
To these utterances have been added a number of obiter dicta by the
philosopher, which, perhaps, will be found to have the reminiscent
flavor that appertains to the observations of all learned judges when
they are off the bench.

In some cases the sketches have been remodeled and care has been taken
to correct typographical blunders, except where they seemed to improve
the text. In this connection the writer must offer his profound
gratitude to the industrious typographer, who often makes two jokes grow
where only one grew before, and has added generously to the distress of
amateur elocutionists.

F. P. D.





CONTENTS


A BOOK REVIEW AMERICANS ABROAD SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM THE TRANSVAAL
WAR AND WAR MAKERS UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY THE WAR EXPERT MODERN
EXPLOSIVES THE BOER MISSION THE CHINESE SITUATION MINISTER WU THE FUTURE
OF CHINA PLATFORM MAKING THE YACHT RACES POLYGAMY PUBLIC FICKLENESS
KENTUCKY POLITICS YOUNG ORATORY PUBLIC GRATITUDE MARRIAGE AND POLITICS
ALCOHOL AS FOOD HIGH FINANCE THE PARIS EXPOSITION CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM
THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY A SOCIETY SCANDAL DOINGS OF
ANARCHISTS ANGLO-AMERICAN SPORTS VOICES FROM THE TOMB THE <DW64> PROBLEM
THE AMERICAN STAGE TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE A BACHELOR'S LIFE THE
EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG "L'AIGLON" CASUAL OBSERVATIONS




A BOOK REVIEW


"Well sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I jus' got hold iv a book, Hinnissy, that
suits me up to th' handle, a gran' book, th' grandest iver seen. Ye know
I'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own,
but I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good book
comes along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad, an' this
here book is fine. I tell ye 'tis fine."

"What is it?" Mr. Hennessy asked languidly.

"'Tis 'Th' Biography iv a Hero be Wan who Knows.' 'Tis 'Th' Darin'
Exploits iv a Brave Man be an Actual Eye Witness.' 'Tis 'Th' Account iv
th' Desthruction iv Spanish Power in th' Ant Hills,' as it fell fr'm th'
lips iv Tiddy Rosenfelt an' was took down be his own hands. Ye see 'twas
this way, Hinnissy, as I r-read th' book. Whin Tiddy was blowed up
in th' harbor iv Havana he instantly con-cluded they must be war.
He debated th' question long an' earnestly an' fin'lly passed a jint
resolution declarin' war. So far so good. But there was no wan to carry
it on. What shud he do? I will lave th' janial author tell th' story in
his own wurruds.

"'Th' sicrety iv war had offered me,' he says, 'th' command of a
rig'mint,' he says, 'but I cud not consint to remain in Tampa while
perhaps less audacious heroes was at th' front,' he says. 'Besides,'
he says, 'I felt I was incompetent f'r to command a rig'mint raised be
another,' he says. 'I detarmined to raise wan iv me own,' he says. 'I
selected fr'm me acquaintances in th' West,' he says,'men that had
thravelled with me acrost th' desert an' th' storm-wreathed mountain,'
he says,'sharin' me burdens an' at times confrontin' perils almost as
gr-reat as anny that beset me path,' he says. 'Together we had faced th'
turrors iv th' large but vilent West,' he says, 'an' these brave men
had seen me with me trusty rifle shootin' down th' buffalo, th' elk, th'
moose, th' grizzly bear, th' mountain goat,' he says, 'th' silver man,
an' other ferocious beasts iv thim parts,' he says. 'An' they niver
flinched,' he says. 'In a few days I had thim perfectly tamed,' he says,
'an' ready to go annywhere I led,' he says. 'On th' thransport goi'n to
Cubia,' he says, 'I wud stand beside wan iv these r-rough men threatin'
him as a akel, which he was in ivrything but birth, education, rank
an' courage, an' together we wud look up at th' admirable stars iv that
tolerable southern sky an' quote th' bible fr'm Walt Whitman,' he says.
'Honest, loyal, thrue-hearted la-ads, how kind I was to thim,' he says."

{Illustration: Read the articles by Roosevelt and Davis in the Car Fare
Magazine}

"'We had no sooner landed in Cubia than it become nicessry f'r me to
take command iv th' ar-rmy which I did at wanst. A number of days was
spint be me in reconnoitring, attinded on'y be me brave an' fluent body
guard, Richard Harding Davis. I discovered that th' inimy was heavily
inthrenched on th' top iv San Juon hill immejiately in front iv me. At
this time it become apparent that I was handicapped be th' prisence iv
th' ar-rmy,' he says. 'Wan day whin I was about to charge a block house
sturdily definded be an ar-rmy corps undher