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[Illustration (cover)]




    THE SAYINGS OF
    MRS. SOLOMON




[Illustration]

    THE SAYINGS OF
    MRS. SOLOMON

    BEING THE CONFESSIONS OF THE
    SEVEN HUNDREDTH WIFE AS REVEALED TO

    HELEN ROWLAND

    AUTHOR OF “THE WIDOW”
    “REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR
    GIRL,” ETC.

    [Illustration]

    PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK BY
    DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY




    COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY DODGE
    PUBLISHING COMPANY; NEW YORK

    MRS. SOLOMON




CONTENTS


       I. GREETING                   11

      II. BOOK OF HUSBANDS           15

     III. BOOK OF FLIRTS             31

      IV. BOOK OF DAMSELS            49

       V. BOOK OF BACHELORS          67

      VI. BOOK OF SIRENS             79

     VII. BOOK OF ADMONITIONS        93

    VIII. BOOK OF SONGS             109




            AND VERILY, A WOMAN
            NEED KNOW BUT ONE
            MAN WELL, IN ORDER
            TO UNDERSTAND _ALL_
            MEN; WHEREAS A MAN
            MAY KNOW ALL WOMEN
            AND UNDERSTAND NOT
            ONE OF THEM

[Illustration]




GREETING


Hearken, my Daughter, and give ear unto my wisdom, that thou mayest
understand _man_--his goings and his comings, his stayings out and his
return in the morning, his words of honey and his ways of guile.

Beloved, question me not, whence I have learned of man, his secrets.
Have I not known _one_ man well? And verily, a woman need know but one
man, in order to understand _all_ men; whereas a man may know all women
and understand not one of them.

For men are of but one pattern, whereof thou needest but to discover
the secret combination; but women are as the _Yale lock_--no two of
them are alike.

Lo! What a paradox is man--even a puzzle which worketh backward!

He mistaketh a sweet scent for a sweet disposition, and a subtile
sachet for a subtile mind.

He voweth, “I admire a discreet woman!”--and inviteth the froward
blonde of the chorus to supper.

He muttereth unto his wife, “Lo! I will go unto the corner for a
cigar”--and behold, he wandereth unto many corners and returneth by a
circular route.

He kisseth the woman whom he loveth _not_, and avoideth her whom he
loveth, lest his heart become entangled. Yea, he seeketh always the
wrong woman that he may forget his heart’s desire.

Yet, whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it all the days of his life.


SELAH.




            FOR A LONE WOMAN
            IN A GREAT
            RESTAURANT
            LOOKETH PITIFUL;
            BUT AN HUSBAND
            LOOKETH LIKE A
            REAL _TIP_

[Illustration]




BOOK OF HUSBANDS


CHAPTER ONE

Verily, my Daughter, an husband is a Good Thing. He giveth the house a
“finished” look, even as a rubber plant and a door-plate.

He suggesteth ready-money, and is an _adornment_ like unto a potted
palm upon the piazza.

When he sitteth beside thee in the tabernacle, he is as a certificate
of respectability; yea in the eyes of society, he is better than a
written recommendation.

Verily, he is as necessary unto thy dinner table as a centerpiece, and
more impressive than cut flowers and a butler in livery.

When he taketh thee abroad to dine, the waiter shall not lead thee into
dim and draughty corners, but shall run nimbly and place thee in a
choice spot within _hearing_ of the music.

For a lone woman in a great restaurant looketh pitiful; but an husband
looketh like a real _tip_.

When thou goest unto an hotel in his company, the clerk shall not offer
thee a room upon the air-shaft; and the bell-boys shall answer thy ring
with flying feet and a glad smile. For an husband is as good as much
credit.

Yea, when thou goest forth to shop, saying “Send this thing to _Mrs._
Jones”, the clerk shall treat thee _almost_ as an equal.

Women shall not gossip about thee, and men shall come unto thy teas
with an easy mind, knowing thou canst have no designs upon them. Thy
family shall call thee “_settled_”, and no woman shall call thee “Poor
Thing!”

Therefore, I say unto thee, if thou findest thine husband less them
thine ideal, weep not, but be of good cheer.

For what profiteth it a woman, though she have every other luxury in
all the world, and have not a _little husband_ in her home?


CHAPTER TWO

A perfect husband, who can find one?

For his price is far above gold bonds.

The heart of his wife rejoiceth in him, and he shall have no lack of
encouragement.

He worketh willingly with his hands and bringeth home _all_ his shekels.

He riseth without calling and lifteth the ice from off the dumbwaiter.
He starteth the kitchen range. He considereth his wife, and kisseth her
_occasionally_.

Six days of the week doth he labor for his moneys, and upon the seventh
doeth chores within the house for _relaxation_.

With his own hands he runneth the lawn mower and washeth the dog.

He layeth his hands to the parlor curtains and putteth up the portieres.

He hooketh his wife’s dresses up the back, _without_ mutterings.

He putteth the cat out by night.

He is _not_ afraid of the cook.

His ashes fall not upon the carpet, and his cigarette burneth not holes
in the draperies.

For he doeth his smoking on the piazza.

He weareth everlasting socks and seweth on his own buttons.

His overcoat doeth him two seasons.

Yet, when he ventureth abroad with his wife he donneth a _dress suit_
without grumbling.

The grouch knoweth him not and his breakfast always pleaseth him. His
mouth is filled with praises for his wife’s cooking. He doth _not_
expect chicken salad from left-over veal, neither the making of lobster
patties from an ham-bone.

His wife is known within the gates, when she sitteth among the officers
of her Club, by the fit of her gowns and her imported hats. He luncheth
meagrely upon a sandwich that he may adorn her with fine jewels. He
grumbleth not at the bills.

He openeth his mouth with praises and _noteth_ her new frock. And the
word of flattery is on his tongue.

He perceiveth not the existence of _other_ women.

He may be _trusted_ to mail a letter.

Lo, many men have I met in the world, but none like unto _him_.

Yet have ye all seen him--in your _dreams_!


CHAPTER THREE

Behold, my Daughter, the Lord maketh a man--but the _wife_ maketh an
_husband_.

For Man is but the raw material whereon a woman putteth the _finishing
touches_.

Yea, and whatsoever pattern of husband thou selectest, thou shalt find
him like unto a shop-made garment, which must be trimmed over and cut
down, and ironed out, and built up to fit the matrimonial situation.

Verily, the best of husbands hath many raw edges, and many unnecessary
pleats in his temper, and many wrinkles in his disposition, which must
be removed.

Lo, I charge thee, be wary in thy choice. For, many shall call, but few
shall propose. And, a wise damsel shall with difficulty select that
which fitteth her disposition and matcheth her tastes--even that which
shall not pinch upon the bank account, neither stretch upon the truth,
neither shrink nor run nor fade.

At the second-hand counter thou shalt find many widowers, which have
been remodelled by another hand. And these are easy to acquire. Yet an
hand-me-down may have been spoiled in the making, and become frayed at
the edges of the temper, and shiny on the seamy-side.

But a _bachelor_ who hath passed forty is a _remnant_; and there is no
good material left in him. His sentiments are moth-eaten and his tender
speeches shop-worn. His manners shall require much basting and his
morals many patches. The gloss hath been rubbed off his illusions and
the color hath gone out of his emotions. Yet, a clever damsel shall,
peradventure, take one of these and remodel him to seem as new.

For the happiest wife is not she that getteth the best husband, but
she that maketh the best of that which she getteth. Verily, verily, an
husband is a _work of art_ which must be executed by hand; for there is
no factory which turneth them out to order.


CHAPTER FOUR

Go to the _lemon grove_, oh, thou Scholarette! For no woman with
_brains_ hath ever plucked a peach in the Garden of Matrimony.

Nay, it is not given unto one woman to possess both real ability and a
real husband.

For unto a successful woman an husband is but an adjunct; and no man
yearneth to be an _annex_!

Alas! He preferreth soft, sweet things, and unto him a woman that
knoweth her own mind is an abomination.

Verily, verily, a woman with _nerves_ affecteth a man as a mosquito
that buzzeth throughout a summer night. She wearieth him.

But a woman with _nerve_ is as a cold bath on a winter morning. She
shocketh him!

Lo, an intelligent _opinion_ in the mouth of a woman horrifieth a man
even as the scissors in the mouth of a babe.

And a wife with _judgment_ which exceedeth his own is more uncanny than
a pet parrot which saith the appropriate thing at the right moment. She
appalleth him!

My Daughter, in all the land dost thou know of one clever woman who
hath been happily married?

Nay! For I say unto thee there can be but one mind, one opinion, and
one _throne_ in an household; and every man claimeth these for himself.

Then, oh, thou Temperamental One, whatsoever thou receivest in the
_love game_, accept it gladly and rejoice thereat.

For, whether it be a babe torn from the cradle or an octogenarian
spared from the grave; whether it be a left-over bachelor, or an
hand-me-down widower; though thou weddest fourscore times, thou shalt
do _no better_!

Verily, verily, in the life of every woman, there cometh a season when
she yearneth for _sentiment_, and neither the love of her “art” nor the
adoration of a poodle dog is sufficient.

And a little unhappiness _with_ an husband is more to be desired than
great loneliness _without_ one.

Go to! Life without one of these is as spaghetti without sauce and more
insipid than bouillon without salt.

Therefore, my Daughter, gather in the Lemon which Fate awardeth thee
and let thine heart be comforted.

For though wine is desirable, yet lemonade is not to be despised; and
even an Highbrow shall find an husband an agreeable distraction from
_serious_ things!


CHAPTER FIVE

How long, oh thou Credulous One, wilt thou continue to marry for a
_change_; and the lawyers delight in their fees, and the neighbors in
their “I-said-so’s”?

For lo, though there be many varieties of men, there is but _one_ kind
of husband!

Yea, though a man wed seven times seven times, he maketh not the _same_
mistake twice.

But the woman who weddeth a second time, _repeateth_ her own history.

Verily, verily, if thou wilt but close thine eyes, thou canst