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PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 150.

APRIL 19, 1916.


[Illustration: _Overworked and exasperated Colonel (who has told Adjutant
to answer the telephone)._ "WELL, WHAT THE BLAZES DO THEY WANT?"

_Adjutant._ "IT'S THE C.O. OF THE BLANKSHIRES, SIR; WANTS YOU TO REPEAT
THE FUNNY STORY YOU TOLD HIM LAST NIGHT AT MESS."]

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CHARIVARIA.


The recent Zeppelin raids have not been without their advantages. In a
spirit of emulation an ambitious hen at Acton has laid an egg weighing
5-1/4 oz.

       * * *

The opponents of Colonel ROOSEVELT regard the advice given in the title
of his new book, _Fear God and take your own part_, to be unusually
moderate as coming from one who, whatever he may have said to the contrary,
is very generally suspected of being prepared to take the part that is
at present being played by President WILSON.

       * * *

At a meeting of the "No-Conscription Fellowship" last week, Mr. PHILIP
SNOWDEN referred to the Conscientious Objectors as the "Salt of the
Earth." Perhaps, but we don't care to have them rubbed into us.

       * * *

Germany has addressed a Note to the United States explaining that the
_Sussex_ could not possibly have been torpedoed for the reason that the
submarine commander who sank the vessel had no difficulty in drawing
a picture of her which closely resembled a totally different ship.

       * * *

It is announced that the care of the great vine at Hampton Court has been
taken over by the Office of Works from the Board of Green Cloth. It is
rumoured that the latter body, which has been of late somewhat lost sight
of, is to be entrusted with the general supervision of our aerial forces.

       * * *

So successful have been the electrically-heated footwarmers supplied
to the police of Pittsburg, Pa, that the State Department is said to
be contemplating their adoption.

       * * *

For shouting "The Zepps are coming!" a Grimsby girl has been fined
L1. It was urged in defence that the girl suffered from hallucinations,
one of which was that she was a daily newspaper proprietor.

       * * *

While announcing in Parliament last week that the Zoo would have to
pay the Amusement Tax the CHANCELLOR promised to "keep an open mind in
regard to any representations that might be made on the subject." Mr.
MCKENNA, we understand, has since received a strong representation from
the hippopotamus, protesting that, while he and his fellow-pachyderms are
commonly considered as instructive, their natural dignity precludes them
from attempting to provide amusement in any form.

       * * *

"In twenty years' time," says Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, "the aeroplane will
bring about universal peace." This statement will come as a distinct shock
to many who imagined that with Mr. BILLING at Westminster it might be
expected to achieve this desirable result in about twenty days.

       * * *

The Gaslight and Coke Co., in the interests of economy, are proposing
to abandon the painting of street lamp-posts. The chief patrons of
these institutions, they say, will be quite satisfied as long as the
lamp-posts still feel the same to the touch.

       * * *

A woman doctor has lately advanced the theory that talking leads to long
life; but an attested married man of our acquaintance assures us that
this is a mistake, and that it merely makes it seem longer.

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