



Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
at http://www.pgdp.net






PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 107.
JULY 14, 1894.




                     THE DIURNAL FEMININE.

  Let others read the "latest news"
    Our daily papers offer,
  Take pleasure in the smart reviews
    And chuckle with the scoffer,
  Enjoy the leaders, or appraise
    The newest "Labour Crisis,"
  Or smile to learn, that Brighton A's
    Maintain their recent prices.

  I only find such trifles vex,
    I do not seek instruction
  Upon the blemishes which X.
    Perceives in Y.'s production,
  And stocks may fall like anything,
    They'll not affect my fate, or
  Compel less cheerfully to sing
    This _vacuus viator_.

  The reason why I daily make
    My sacrifice of pennies,
  Is merely for a column's sake
    Which scarce, perhaps, for men is,
  And yet it elevates, refines,
    It stirs the noblest passions,
  That article whose moving lines
    Are headed "Latest Fashions."

  What joy to ascertain in print
    The latest mode in dresses,
  To learn the new artistic tint
    Adopted by Princesses,
  To roam the galleries with her
    Whose eulogies and strictures
  To hats and dress alone refer,
    And never deal with pictures!

  Let troubles still oppress the State
    With all their usual rigour,
  Let politicians still debate
    With undiminished vigour,
  Of such the common person reads,
    But give to _me_ the papers
  That chronicle at length the deeds
    Of milliners and drapers!

                               * * * * *

                        STATE AID FOR MATRIMONY.

                   (_By a University Extensionist._)

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--What a charming little theatre that is at Burlington
House! I missed you at the _matinees_ there a few days ago. Of course
you know the Travelling Provincial Company of the Universities' Guild
for the Extension of High-Class Comedy? Well, they visited the
Metropolis for their coming-of-age, and gave the new extravaganza of
_Hodge, B. Sc._, or _The Vision of Peers and the Plowman_. This had
nothing to do with _Jupiter, LL. D._, though no fewer than three noble
Chancellors took a leading part at the different performance. After all
it was nothing but a dished-up version of the old play of _Gentleman
Geordie_, or _The Cultured Collier_; only the pitman business is a
little played out, and the victim of Agricultural Enlightment is just
now the vogue, thanks to the County Councils.

But what interest, you will say, _can_ this weary work have for "the
young person" (is not that the phrase?). Why should ETHEL and I and the
other country cousins, who are up to have a good time, waste our
precious moments on University Extension, when they might have been
given to the galleries, or, better still, to the shops? Dear _Mr.
Punch_, you will not betray my confidence and print my real name, _will_
you, if I tell you the reason? I do so in the hope that you will use
your great and good influence to support our claim for State aid in a
matter deeply interesting us girls in the provinces.

I have always thought that the most important object of University
Extension has been overlooked. It certainly was the other day. I mean
this. In the present unparalleled depression of the matrimonial market,
what we want is a constant supply of nice, eligible young men from the
University "brought home to our very doors," as they say about culture
and the people. We cannot _all_ live in garrison towns, and what are two
or three curates among so many? Already, as I have seen in one of the
magazines for young ladies, the cleric cloth is being supplanted in
romantic fiction by the lay lecturer's velveteen. But we must have State
said, and, if necesary, create a fresh Government Department, for the
increase and support of this class of men. The profession would be very
popular; those who joined it would keep marrying and moving on (I hope I
express myself intelligently), and there would soon be enough to go
round.

ETHEL'S papa, who is not very rich, and has a large family, told her
that people in Rome who married, and had three children, got a sort of
degree for it, and were let off taxes.