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 [Illustration:

            WILL ROSSITER’S
             TALKALOGUES
      BY THE WORLD’S BEST WRITERS

   J. S. OGILVIE         57 ROSE STREET
   PUBLISHING COMPANY    NEW YORK
 ]

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                            WILL ROSSITER’S

                                ORIGINAL
                              TALKALOGUES.

                                   BY

                            AMERICAN JOKERS.

                                -------

                  (COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY WILL ROSSITER.)

                                -------

                               NEW YORK:
                   J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,
                            57 ROSE STREET.




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                            PUBLISHER’S NOTE


                    If at times you’re feeling blue,
                  Take this book and read it through;
                    Pass it on to friend or brother;
                     For yourself—just buy another!




------------------------------------------------------------------------




                                Contents


               TALKALOGUES                           9-33
                            _By E. P. Moran_

               MORE TALKALOGUES                     34-38
                          _By Joseph Horrigan_

               LOVE AND LAGER BEER                     38
                        _By Leontine Stanfield_

               THE MAN FROM SQUASHOPOLIS            40-49
                          _By Harry L. Newton_

               THE PACIFIC <DW72>                    49-60
                          _By Harry L. Newton_

               WOULDN’T GOLF DIALECT DO?            60-62

               SOME WESTERN STORIES                 62-64

               HAPPENINGS IN KEROSENELAMPVILLE      64-67

               BITS OF VERSE AND PROSE              68-72
                         _By Edwards & Ronney_

               RAPID FIRE                           73-85
                          _By Harry L. Newton_

               “A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME”              86

               AN ORIGINAL HABEAS CORPUS CASE       87-89

               LI HUNG CHANG’S JOKE                    89

               FIFTEEN MINUTES WITH A PLAYWRIGHT    90-95
                          _By Harry L. Newton_

               POPULAR SONGS APPROPRIATELY APPLIED     96




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                            WILL ROSSITER’S

                                Original
                              Talkalogues


Well, well! here we are again! I just did manage to get here on time,
too. I never thought I’d be able to do it in the world. My wife and I
were out riding in our automobile, and we got into a heated argument as
to which of us was the better chauffeur. During the excitement of the
argument we both neglected to hold the lines of the automobile, and it
shied at a piece of paper and ran away.

Instinct told us both to make a grab, I for the lever and she for my
hair. Just then the automobile struck the curb-stone, and my wife and I
had a “falling out.”

[Illustration:

  My wife and I had a “falling out.”
]

There I was, several miles from the theater, with a broken-down
automobile and an angry wife that wouldn’t speak to me. Wasn’t that
suffering for you? I felt sure that I could make it to the theater all
right, but I didn’t know whether I’d have time to “make up” or not.

This trying to please a woman is a tough game. I tell you, ladies, the
trouble is the men don’t know just how to take their wives. Now I took
mine in an automobile, and it turned out a frost. Maybe if I had taken
her in a wheelbarrow she’d have thought it delightful—still, I doubt it.

But I wasn’t married always; I was an American citizen once myself. I
say American citizen once, because an American citizen prides himself
that he is under no tyrannical ruler, enjoys liberty and the fact that
he can do as he pleases. Therefore, a married man can’t be an American
citizen.

The reason I married was that I was out of work. I answered an
advertisement for a situation, and the proprietor asked me “if I was
married.” I told him no, that I was single. Then he said: “Well, I’d
give you the position at once, only I must have a married man.” I said:
“Keep the place open for about an hour, and I’ll fix that all right—it’s
easier to get married than it is to get a job.”

There’s no trouble in getting married at all; the trouble starts after
you are married—when you have to get up in the middle of the night and
walk the floor with Reginald singing <DW53> songs; that is, Reginald does
not sing <DW53> songs—you’ve got to sing to Reggy; and you can’t sing a
lullaby, or you’d go to sleep yourself.

Why, I had an awfully hard time getting used to it; the kid used to cry
so much that it wouldn’t even stop for meals. The neighbors all said:
“O, my! why don’t you feed that baby on Mellin’s food? It would make a
different child of him.” I didn’t say a word to anyone, but went out and
bought eight watermelons and five cantaloupes and then I fed him till I
thought he’d bust. Well, after the doctors brought him to, he was a
different child; they asked me why I didn’t feed him on cucumbers and
sliced tripe.

Of course, after that experience I knew better. So I got a box of the
true article at the druggist’s, and took the baby on my knee to feed
him. The directions said: “Before feeding the baby, shake well.” Well,
that was pie for me, because I had it in for him, anyway. I nearly shook
the life out of him; then I fed him.

[Illustration:

  “Before feeding the baby, shake well.”
]

I was overly anxious to follow the directions strictly to the letter, so
I read the whole thing through two or three times to make sure. Down
near the bottom it read: “N. B.—After child is fed—set in a cool place—”
I put him in the ice-box.

                  *       *       *       *       *

I went home the other evening and my wife said: “Ed, you know that this
is the night that we are to go to the swell reception given by the
Richmonds.” I said: “Yes, dear, I remember.” I hadn’t given it a
thought, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. Then she came over and put
her arms around me and started to cry. I asked what the trouble was, and
she said: “Well, you know, dear, I only intended getting just a light
dinner, because, you know, we’ll get plenty to eat at the reception.”
Then I lied again and said: “Yes, I know.” “Well,” she went, on, “the
cook has allowed what little we were going to have to burn, and now
there isn’t a thing in the house fit to eat. But don’t scold,” she said,
“for she is so young and inexperienced, and, besides, she’s so sweet;
won’t a kiss do instead?” I was pretty hungry, but I said: “All right;
send her in.”

[Illustration:

  Put her arms around me and started to cry
]

For a long time I didn’t think we’d go to the reception—but, finally I
squared matters and told her to run on and get dressed. I read the
evening paper until she started putting on her hat,—and then I started
to get ready. After I was dressed and waiting about five minutes she
said she was ready. So we started for the reception, she on her dignity
and I on an empty stomach. And I might as well say right here, I took my
empty stomach back home with me again, for all I saw there to eat was
some opera-glass sandwiches—that is