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Punch, or the London Charivari

Volume 105, November 18th 1893

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

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"THE PAPER OF THE DAY AFTER TO-MORROW."

    [In one of the magazines an entire article has been
    transmitted to the office, not by the post, but by mental
    suggestion.--_News paragraph._]

SCENE--_Editor's Room of "The Mental Mirror of the Universe."_
TIME--_An hour before publication._ Editor _and_ Chief-Sub.
_discovered in consultation_.

_Editor._ Dear me, Mr. PAYSTE, this is very annoying! Debate on Africa
in the House to-night, and our leader-writer has sent in no copy! Why
did you not communicate with me?

_Chief-Sub._ Well, Sir, as you were dining with the Duke, I did not
like to disturb you, especially as I had arranged matters. I have got
some one else to knock off the article.

_Ed._ Very good, and where does it come from?

_Chief-Sub._ I turned on the mentophone and found Lord MACAULAY
disengaged.

_Ed._ Of course he writes smartly enough, but I should have thought he
was scarcely sufficiently well-up in the subject.

_Chief-Sub._ So he said, Sir: so we applied to Sir WALTER RALEIGH, who
has sent in a good column.

_Ed._ His English, I am afraid, is a trifle old-fashioned.

_Chief Sub._ Well, yes, Sir; a little. But I gave it to one of our
subs. who has made black letter a study, and between them they have
turned out a very decent leader. Sorry to say the wire has broken down
between London and the seat of the war, so we have no despatches.

_Ed._ Distinctly annoying! However, I think I can put myself in
communication with our special. (_Takes a pen in his right hand, and
commences writing._) Well, what next?

_Chief Sub._ But shall I not disturb you?

_Ed._ Not at all; my right hand is in sympathy with LONGBOW, so I need
not pay any attention to what he is sending us until he gets to the
end of his copy. Everything else right?

_Chief Sub._ I think I may venture to say "Yes," Sir. Mrs. COVERS, who
does our reviews, has neglected to send in her stuff, but I have used
the mentophone again in that case. Put on CHARLES LAMB. And I think
that's all, save, as there is a letter about the authorship of
_Hamlet_, I have got WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE to answer it himself. And now,
Sir, I would suggest that, as we are rather full up this evening, you
might conclude that dispatch as quickly as possible.

_Ed._ My hand has just done writing. (_Gives copy to_ Chief Sub.)
Anything worth a line for the bill?

_Chief Sub._ (_after perusal_). Well, yes, Sir. I find there has been
a battle, so we may as well give that.

_Ed._ Everything right now?

_Chief Sub._ Everything, Sir.

_Ed._ Well, now you can send down the paper to press as soon as you
please. (_Exit_ Chief Sub. _to carry out directions_.) Dear me! It
really simplifies matters considerably when waves of thought will do
as well as the electric telegraph.

    [_The Curtain falls upon the_ Editor's _very natural
    reflection_.

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[Illustration: SANCTA SIMPLICITAS.

_Housemaid._ "WE'RE GETTING UP A SWEEPSTAKES, MRS. THRUPP. WON'T YOU
JOIN?"

_Housekeeper._ "GRACIOUS ME, CHILD; NOT I! WHY IF I _WON_ A HORSE I
SHOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO _DO_ WITH HIM!"]

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TO THE SEA.

_An Expostulation._

  Oh, smooth and smiling! I have loved thee well!
  Hymned thee, and heard thee; lived beneath thy spell;
  For years thy life-giving ozone have bless'd,
  That makes loose garments tighter round the chest.
  Paced in the dark thy sounding margent white,
  And voiced my rapture in the boisterous night,
  Striking the lurking coastguard with affright.

  Now on my barque--ah, no! no barque be mine!
  On the new