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Object: Matrimony


[Illustration: "DID YOU EVER SUFFER FROM STUMMICK TROUBLE?"]


          OBJECT:
        MATRIMONY

            by
        MONTAGUE
          GLASS

    GARDEN CITY NEW YORK
  DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
          1912




    _Copyright, 1909, by_
  THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY

    _Copyright, 1912, by_
  DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY


_All rights reserved including that of translation into foreign
languages, including the Scandinavian_




Object: Matrimony

BY MONTAGUE GLASS




"Real estate!" Philip Margolius cried bitterly; "that's a business for a
business man! If a feller's in the clothing business and it comes bad
times, Mr. Feldman, he can sell it his goods at cost and live anyhow;
but if a feller's in the real-estate business, Mr. Feldman, and it comes
bad times, he can't not only sell his houses, but he couldn't give 'em
away yet, and when the second mortgage forecloses he gets deficiency
judgments against him."

"Why don't you do this?" Mr. Feldman suggested. "Why don't you go to the
second mortgagee and tell him you'll convey the houses to him in
satisfaction of the mortgage? Those houses will never bring even the
amount of the first mortgage in these times, and surely he would rather
have the houses than a deficiency judgment against you."

"That's what I told him a hundred times. Believe me, Mr. Feldman, I used
hours and hours of the best salesmanship on that feller," Margolius
answered, "and all he says is that he wouldn't have to pay no interest,
insurance and taxes on a deficiency judgment, while a house what stands
vacant you got to all the time be paying out money."

"But as soon as they put the subway through," Mr. Feldman continued,
"that property around Two Hundred and Sixty-fourth Street and Heidenfeld
Avenue will go up tremendously."

"Sure I know," Margolius agreed; "but when a feller's got four double
flat-houses and every flat yet vacant, futures don't cut no ice. Them
tenants couldn't ride on futures, Mr. Feldman; and so, with the nearest
trolley car ten blocks away, I am up against a dead proposition."

"Wouldn't he give you a year's extension?" Mr. Feldman asked.

"He wouldn't give me positively nothing," Margolius replied hopelessly.
"That feller's a regular Skylark. He wants his pound of meat every time,
Mr. Feldman. So I guess you got to think up some scheme for me that I
should beat him out. Them mortgages falls due in ten days, Mr. Feldman,
and we got to act quick."

Mr. Feldman frowned judicially. In New York, if an attorney for a realty
owner knows his business and neglects his professional ethics he can so
obstruct an action to foreclose a mortgage as to make Jarndyce vs.
Jarndyce look like a summary proceeding. But Henry D. Feldman was a
conscientious practitioner, and never did anything that might bring him
before the grievance committee of the Bar Association. Moreover, he was
a power in the Democratic organization and right in line for a Supreme
Court judgeship, and so it behooved him to be careful if not ethical.

"Why don't you go and see Goldblatt again, and then if you can't move
him I'll see what I can do for you?" Feldman suggested.

"But, Mr. Feldman," Margolius protested, "I told it you it ain't no use.
Goldblatt hates me worser as poison."

Feldman leaned back in his low chair with one arm thrown over the back,
after the fashion of Judge Blatchford's portrait in the United States
District Courtroom.

"See here, Margolius: what's the real trouble between you and
Goldblatt?" he said. "If you're going to get my advice in this matter
you will have to tell me the whole truth. _Falsus in uno, falsus in
omnibus_, you know."

"You make a big mistake, Mr. Feldman," Margolius replied. "It ain't
nothing like that, and whoever told it you is got another think coming.
The trouble was about his daughter Fannie. You could bring a horse a
pail of water, Mr. Feldman, but no one could make the horse drink it if
he don't want to, and that's the way it was with me. Friedman, the
Schatchen, took me up to see Goldblatt's daughter Fannie, and I assure
you I ain't exaggeration a bit when I tell you she's got a moustache
what wouldn't go bad with a <DW55> barber yet."

"Why, I thought Goldblatt's daughter was a pretty good looker," Feldman
exclaimed.

"That's Birdie Goldblatt," Margolius replied, blushing. "But
Fannie--that's a different proposition, Mr. Feldman. Well, Goldblatt
gives me all kinds of inducements; but I ain't that kind, Mr. Feldman.
If I would marry I would marry for love, and it wouldn't make no
difference to me if the girl would have it, say, for example, only two
thousand dollars. I would marry her anyway."

"Very commendable," Mr. Feldman murmured.

"But Fannie Goldblatt--that is somebody a young feller wouldn't
consider, not if her hair hung with diamonds, Mr. Feldman," Margolius
continued. "Although I got to admit I did go up to Goldblatt's house a
great many times, because, supposing she does got a moustache, she could
cook _gefuellte Fische_ and _Fleischkugeln_ better as Delmonico's
already. And then Miss Birdie Goldblatt----"

He faltered and blushed again, while Feldman nodded sympathetically.

"Anyhow, what's the use talking?" Margolius concluded. "The old man gets
sore on me, and when Marks Henochstein offers him the second mortgages
on them Heidenfeld Avenue houses it was yet boom-time in the Bronix, and
it looked good to Goldblatt; so he made Henochstein give him a big
allowance, and he bought 'em. And now when he's got me where he wants
me I can kiss myself good-bye with them houses."

He rose to his feet and put on his gloves, for Philip was what is
popularly known as a swell dresser. Indeed, there was no
smarter-appearing salesman in the entire cloak and suit trade, nor was
there a salesman more ingratiating in manner and hence more successful
with lady buyers.

"If the worser comes to the worst," he said, "I will go through
bankruptcy. I ain't got nothing but them houses, anyway." He fingered
the two-and-a-half-carat solitaire in his scarf to find out if it were
still there. "And they couldn't get my salary in advance, so that's what
I'll do."

He shook hands with Mr. Feldman.

"You could send me a bill for your advice, Mr. Feldman," he said.

"That's all right," Feldman replied as he ushered his client out of the
office. "I'll add it to my fee in the bankruptcy matter."




II


About Miss Birdie Goldblatt's appearance there was something of Maxine
Elliott with just a dash of Anna Held, and she wore her clothes so well
that she could make a blended-Kamchatka near-mink scarf look like
Imperial Russian sable. Thus, when Philip Margolius encountered her on
the corner of Fifth Avenue and Twenty-first Street his heart fairly
jumped in admiration. Nevertheless, he raised his hat with all his
accustomed grace, and Miss Goldblatt bowed and smiled in return.

"How d'ye do,