



Produced by Chris Curnow, Emmy and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
produced from images generously made available by The
Internet Archive)






[Illustration: THE GLORIES OF THE KITCHEN.]




HINTS TO SERVANTS:

    BEING A

    POETICAL AND MODERNISED VERSION OF DEAN SWIFT'S CELEBRATED

    "DIRECTIONS TO SERVANTS;"

    IN WHICH SOMETHING IS ADDED TO THE ORIGINAL TEXT, BUT
    THOSE PASSAGES ARE OMITTED WHICH

    CANNOT WITH PROPRIETY BE READ ALOUD IN

    A KITCHEN.

    BY AN UPPER SERVANT.

    "Safe from the Bar, the Pulpit, and the Throne,
     Yet touched and shamed by Ridicule alone!"
                                        POPE.

    ILLUSTRATED WITH

    TWELVE ORIGINAL DESIGNS, BY KENNY MEADOWS,

    ENGRAVED BY JOHN JACKSON.


    LONDON:
    EFFINGHAM WILSON, ROYAL EXCHANGE,
    T. AND W. BOONE, NEW BOND STREET,
    1843.




    LONDON:
    Printed by Maurice and Co., Howford-buildings,
    Fenchurch-street.




PREFACE,

ADDRESSED TO ALL MY FELLOW-SERVANTS.


    ONCE on a time a Rev'rend Dean
    There lived, (and you know whom I mean,)
    Keen as a hawk each fault to seize,
    And _Swift_ to blame, as slow to please;
    Swell'd up with pride to height of tumour,
    Though all admired his dogged humour.
      But since our Pompey knew not how
    To speak, as 'twere, but in 'bow wow!'
    The Muse invites me to rehearse
    His constant bark in doggrel verse:
    Keen irony can't hope to chime
    Without some small relief from rhyme,
    Though where you'd feel the sharpest tingle,
    You lose the smart amidst the jingle!
    Doubtless (like Swift) we've now-a-days
    Both lords and ladies shy of praise,
    Of errors, ills, for ever mumbling,
    Yet love 'em for the sake of grumbling.
    Had Swift known how to hold his dish up,
    I'm told he might have been a Bishop.
    I've tried to make him look more recent,
    And dock'd him where he's quite indecent.
    On one thing you may quite rely,--
    I am no busy, base Paul Pry.
    My best advices really flow
    From what I really 'happ'n' to know,
    Nor could escape in any wise,
    Save shutting both my ears and eyes.
      My book may sell, or fall dead flat,--
    Yet MEADOWS makes me safe from that;
    Since, to inspire, I've given him some
    Of Master's truly 'precious rum,'
    Deeming him best of all the bunch--
    But mum! for what relates to 'PUNCH!'
    And may each critic's 'ifs and buts'
    But vie with his good-humoured cuts:
    For I profess the constant aim
    Of yielding ev'ry one I name
    (Thus pleasing all, e'en to the letter)
    Either a laugh--or something better.
      Now if I've well explained my plan,
    Why, farewell Master! farewell Man!
    And free from fuss, I make no bones
    To sign,
                  Yours thoroughly,
                           JOHN JONES.




CONTENTS.


                         _Page_
    THE BUTLER               9
    THE COOK                16
    THE VALET               21
    THE WAITING-WOMAN       27
    THE FOOTMAN             36
    THE HOUSEKEEPER         50
    THE CHAMBERMAID         51
    THE PORTER              55
    THE HOUSEMAID           56
    THE STEWARD             57
    THE GROOM               58
    THE COACHMAN            61
    THE NURSERY MAID        62
    THE DAIRY-MAID          63
    THE WET NURSE           64
    THE LAUNDRESS         _ib._
    THE GOVERNESS           65
    GENERAL RULES           66




[Illustration: THE BUTLER.]




THE BUTLER.


    OF servants, whether best or worst,
    The Butler seems to rank the first;
    Whose sparkling aid calls up the