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Punch, or the London Charivari

Volume 105, November 18th 1893

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

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"THE PAPER OF THE DAY AFTER TO-MORROW."

    [In one of the magazines an entire article has been
    transmitted to the office, not by the post, but by mental
    suggestion.--_News paragraph._]

SCENE--_Editor's Room of "The Mental Mirror of the Universe."_
TIME--_An hour before publication._ Editor _and_ Chief-Sub.
_discovered in consultation_.

_Editor._ Dear me, Mr. PAYSTE, this is very annoying! Debate on Africa
in the House to-night, and our leader-writer has sent in no copy! Why
did you not communicate with me?

_Chief-Sub._ Well, Sir, as you were dining with the Duke, I did not
like to disturb you, especially as I had arranged matters. I have got
some one else to knock off the article.

_Ed._ Very good, and where does it come from?

_Chief-Sub._ I turned on the mentophone and found Lord MACAULAY
disengaged.

_Ed._ Of course he writes smartly enough, but I should have thought he
was scarcely sufficiently well-up in the subject.

_Chief-Sub._ So he said, Sir: so we applied to Sir WALTER RALEIGH, who
has sent in a good column.

_Ed._ His English, I am afraid, is a trifle old-fashioned.

_Chief Sub._ Well, yes, Sir; a little. But I gave it to one of our
subs. who has made black letter a study, and between them they have
turned out a very decent leader. Sorry to say the wire has broken down
between London and the seat of the war, so we have no despatches.

_Ed._ Distinctly annoying! However, I think I can put myself in
communication with our special. (_Takes a pen in his right hand, and
commences writing._) Well, what next?

_Chief Sub._ But shall I not disturb you?

_Ed._ Not at all; my right hand is in sympathy with LONGBOW, so I need
not pay any attention to what he is sending us until he gets to the
end of his copy. Everything else right?

_Chief Sub._ I think I may venture to say "Yes," Sir. Mrs. COVERS, who
does our reviews, has neglected to send in her stuff, but I have used
the mentophone again in that case. Put on CHARLES LAMB. And I think
that's all, save, as there is a letter about the authorship of
_Hamlet_, I have got WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE to answer it himself. And now,
Sir, I would suggest that, as we are rather full up this evening, you
might conclude that dispatch as quickly as possible.

_Ed._ My hand has just done writing. (_Gives copy to_ Chief Sub.)
Anything worth a line for the bill?

_Chief Sub._ (_after perusal_). Well, yes, Sir. I find there has been
a battle, so we may as well give that.

_Ed._ Everything right now?

_Chief Sub._ Everything, Sir.

_Ed._ Well, now you can send down the paper to press as soon as you
please. (_Exit_ Chief Sub. _to carry out directions_.) Dear me! It
really simplifies matters considerably when waves of thought will do
as well as the electric telegraph.

    [_The Curtain falls upon the_ Editor's _very natural
    reflection_.

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[Illustration: SANCTA SIMPLICITAS.

_Housemaid._ "WE'RE GETTING UP A SWEEPSTAKES, MRS. THRUPP. WON'T YOU
JOIN?"

_Housekeeper._ "GRACIOUS ME, CHILD; NOT I! WHY IF I _WON_ A HORSE I
SHOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO _DO_ WITH HIM!"]

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TO THE SEA.

_An Expostulation._

  Oh, smooth and smiling! I have loved thee well!
  Hymned thee, and heard thee; lived beneath thy spell;
  For years thy life-giving ozone have bless'd,
  That makes loose garments tighter