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    TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES:

    Italics are indicated by _underscores_.

    Hyphenation inconsistencies: both Bald-headed and Baldheaded are
    used.




  The

  Theatrical Primer


  BY

  HAROLD ACTON VIVIAN




  _Illustrations by
  FRANCIS P. SAGERSON_


  G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY

  PUBLISHERS       NEW YORK




  COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY

  H. A. VIVIAN


  COPYRIGHT, 1904, BY

  G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY


  _The Theatrical
  Primer_




The Theatrical Primer




1


Here, children, is a Theatre. A Theatre is a big Playhouse where actors
Act--sometimes. It is a pretty building, is it Not? It costs two big
Dollars to get into a Theatre but People are always in a Great Hurry to
get out. This is right, as it Helps the actors to act. When you go to a
theatre you should always Cry as Loud and as Long as you can. It gives
great Pleasure to all the People, and makes your Mother feel Good.




2


Oh, see the Press Agent! Is he not a wonderful Thing? Next to the
Theatre, he is the most Important Thing in the Business. He is much
Greater than the Manager, but he does not get so much Money. The Press
Agent always tells the Truth, and loves to give away Free Tickets. Do
not offer him a Drink or a Cigar, because he will surely refuse, and
then You will feel Badly.




3


The Man looks Anxious. He is a Manager, and he thinks the Treasurer
is Swiping his Money. Fie on the Treasurer! The Poor Manager has so
little money that He can only take one Drink at a Time. Ask the Manager
for tickets. He will pay for them out of his own Pocket. He is such a
Charitable man. Try to be like the Manager, little children, and when
you grow Up, you will always be without Money. Money is a great Curse.




4


This is a Chappie. No, it is not an animal; it is a human Being.
Its real name is E. Z. Thing. What do you think the Chappie is Good
for--Nothing? Oh, fie, it is surely good for Something. Yes; it is
Good to buy suppers for Chorus Girls. Sometimes it buys Flowers Also,
and has them Charged to Papa. Papa is sometimes a Chappie himself. That
is right; yell "Chappie" as Loud as you can. It is not Vulgar to Yell
on the Street, and the man likes to be called by such a nice name.




5


Here we see an Actor. No; do not Touch him or you will soil his
Clothes. Are not his Clothes wonderful? And just Think, they are all
Paid for! He wears his Hair long because the Barber shops are Closed
on Sunday. He is Very busy all the week, you know. He has to walk up
and down Broadway several Times every day. Actors are very Nice men.
They always say good Things about other Actors, and never talk of
Themselves. No; none of them wears corsets.




6


Isn't that dog Tiny? It's the Leading lady's pet Poodle. Oh, see how
nicely it snaps at Everything! The Leading lady has Taught it to do
that; Snaps are right in her line. Everyone loves the Little Dog.
It is so Gentle and Loving. Kick the Dog in the Ribs, Johnny. It
will please the lady if you do--and the Dog--and the Manager. See the
Manager laugh.




7


Here we see a Lobster. The Lobster is going to Buy a Ticket from the
Speculator. Will they let the Lobster into the Theatre? Oh, I guess
Yes. See; the Speculator has put the Money in his Pocket. Will he
give the Treasurer some of the Dough? Perhaps; if he is a very Kind
Speculator. How fortunate for the Speculator that there are Lobsters.




8


Do you see the Clever Usher? He has Sold two seats in the Front Row.
What will he do when the man who Bought the Seats at the box office
comes in? He will say that there is a Mistake, and the Man will sit in
the Sixth Row. The Man is from the Country. All ushers are clever. They
need the Money to buy clean Shirts.




9


Come, children, we will Leave now. The last Act is not Over, but the
Audience would sooner see your Clothes than the Play. Run out in the
Aisle and make a Noise. The People will be glad; they are Tired and do
not want to hear the rest of the Play. People do not go to the Theatre
to Hear the Play. What a foolish idea!




10


