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  |                         STEEL PENS.                          |
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  |                      D. APPLETON & CO.,                      |
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  +--------------------------------------------------------------+


Vol. II. No. 38


SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1870.


PUBLISHED BY THE


PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,

83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.


       *       *       *       *       *

PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie Flowers,"
"Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large and small.

PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world.

PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.

L. PRANG & CO., Boston

       *       *       *       *       *

[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.]

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  |                      HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,                      |
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  |             Care of Punchinello Publishing Co.,              |
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  |                    FACTS FOR THE LADIES.                     |
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  |  I have a Wheeler & Wilson machine (No. 289), bought of Mr.  |
  |  Gardner in 1853, he having used it a year. I have used it   |
  | constantly, in shirt manufacturing as well as family sewing, |
  | sixteen years. My wife ran it four years, and earned between |
  |   $700 and $800, besides doing her housework. I have never   |
  |  expended fifty cents on it for repairs. It is, to-day, in   |
  |   the best of order, stitching fine linen bosoms nicely. I   |
  | started manufacturing shirts with this machine, and now have |
  | over one hundred of them in use. I have paid at least $3,000 |
  |  for the stitching done by this old machine, and it will do  |
  |              as much now as any machine I have.              |
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  |                         W.F. TAYLOR.                         |
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  |       Theoretical, Analytical, and Technical Chemistry       |
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  |                            1870,                             |
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  +--------------------------------------------------------------+

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of
Congress at Washington.

       *       *       *       *       *

 MAN AND WIVES.

A TRAVESTY.

By MOSE SKINNER.

CHAPTER FIFTH.

QUEER DOINGS AT THE HALF-WAY HOUSE.

"Tell the minister," said ANN to TEDDY, "to come in. If I don't get a
husband out of this _somehow_, I ain't smart. I'll just marry the man
I've got here."

ARCHIBALD sank down on the sofa, bathed in a cold perspiration.

"Oh, _don't_" he groaned; "you mustn't. 'Twasn't my fault; JEFF sent
me."

Her eyes flashed on him angrily.

"Yes, you helped JEFF set a trap for _me_," said she, "and you've fell
into it yourself. Come, here's the minister."

But ARCHIBALD didn't come, he only turned white, and made a gurgling
noise.

"There should be somebody here competent to give away the bridegroom,"
said the minister, with an air of annoyance.

"Sure, and it's meself as'll do that same," said TEDDY, obeying a nod
from ANN.

"Away now with sich modeshty, youngster. Bear up and be a man. It'll
soon be over. And if ye make a fuss," he added in a whisper, "I'll knock
the head off ye. Do ye mind that?" Then, as if relating his experience
to a large and sympathetic audience: "'Twas just that way I felt meself
like, when the knot was tied. Wake in the knees sim'larly, and a faylin'
like I was a cold dish-cloth wrung out. But Lord, he'll hold up his head
agin, _I'll_ warrant ye."

"Oh, why can't you let me go?" begged ARCHIBALD, "I ain't done nothin'."

TEDDY smiled. 'Twas such a smile as a dentist gives, just before he
swoops upon his prey.

"Did you iver now?" said he, appealing to the minister. "What a man it
is. As bashful as a young gyrl, without a mammy to smooth it over.
Steady now. There you are, as nice as a cotton hat," he continued, as he
put ARCHIBALD'S arm within ANN'S. "Lean aginst me as hard as iver ye
like, man. I well knows as I'll nivir git me reward in _this_ world, for
all the young cooples as I've startid in life, but, thank Hevins,
there's another."

The ceremony commenced.

What can one coy youth do, single-handed, against a woman who is
determined to marry him? Like the beautiful young lady in the endless
love-stories, who faints at the altar with her hard-hearted father, the
Duke, on one side, and the relentless bridegroom, the Count, on the
other, ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP was hemmed in by destiny. There was alas! no
steel-clad knight with his visor down, to rush in, and shout in trumpet
tones: "_Hold! I forbid the bans--_ To be continued in our next. Back
numbers sent to any address." No. Steel-clad knights are, unfortunately,
somewhat scarce in Indiana, and so the ceremony continued.

TEDDY was first bridesman. He not only supported ARCHIBALD, but he held
his head and jerked it forward occasionally, thus assisting in the
responses.

The ceremony concluded.

At its close ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP, according to the Law of Indiana, was a
Man and One Wife.

At its close ANN BRUMMET, according to the same Law, was a Woman and One
Husband.

The world is large. To a woman of her immense strategical resources this
was but a fair beginning. Blest with a good constitution and rare
matrimonial attainments, why should she falter in the good work thus
begun?

They picked the new-made husband up, limp as a rag, and laid him
tenderly on the sofa. TEDDY and the minister withdrew, and the Honeymoon
commenced.

ARCHIBALD began to recover. "Where am I?" he moaned faintly.

"You're married," said ANN.

He groaned, and wiped the perspiration from his pallid brow.

"Can I go home?" he inquired feebly.

"Yes," replied ANN. "Go, and when I want you I'll come for you. Tell
your _dear_ BELINDA that ANN BRUMMET, the poor relation, has got ahead
of her on _this_ heat. She didn't think, did she, when she was courting
you, that she was only just getting you ready for me?"

But before she was through, ARCHIBALD, moaning in broken accents that he
wished he was dead, had rushed frantically from the house.

ANN was congratulating herself on her success, when there came another
rap from TEDDY.

"Sure and it's your lawyer this time. Will I sind him away?"

"No," said ANN, "I want to see him. And bring in some oysters and
sherry. I'm getting hungry."

"Well," said the lawyer, entering and taking a chair familiarly, where's
your man?"

"Gone," said ANN.

"What! without the divorce? Whew! that's _too_ bad. How did it happen?"

"JEFF didn't come," replied ANN. "He sent a substitute. But I wasn't
going to be fooled that way, so I just drafted _him_ instead."

"What! _married_ him?" queried the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes, why not? DIGBY was here, you see, and I could not find it in my
heart to cheat the poor man out of a job, with a large family on his
hands, too." And she laughed.

"Well, that _is_ a joke," was the lawyer's reply. And he rubbed his
hands appreciatively. "Who is the fellow? What's his name?"

"BLINKSOP," said ANN, "ARCHIBALD. Oh, won't there be a row," she
chuckled. "He's engaged to my cousin BELINDA, you see."

At this juncture TEDDY entered with the oysters and sherry.

"Come," said ANN to the lawyer, "sit up here and have something to eat,
and I'll tell you all about it. TEDDY," she continued facetiously, "will
you ask a blessing?"

TEDDY closed his eyes reverentially.

"For what I'm going to resayve out of this," said he, "may I be truly
thankful, and, oh