



Produced by Al Haines.



[Illustration: Cover art]



                            EVER HEARD THIS?

                    OVER THREE HUNDRED GOOD STORIES



                                   BY

                             F. W. CHAMBERS



                             THIRD EDITION




                           METHUEN & CO. LTD.
                          36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
                                 LONDON




                First Published...... October 27th 1916
                  Second Edition...... November 1916
                   Third Edition...... December 1916



                                  ----




CONTENTS


    WHAT HE WANTED
    HIS CHOICE
    NOT IN THE REGULATIONS
    CHEAP TALK
    SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT
    A CANDID CRITIC
    WHAT'S IN A NAME
    WHY BROWN LEFT
    AN ASS'S SHADOW
    GRACE
    MISUNDERSTOOD
    TRUMPS
    THE STUTTERER
    PRESENT AND FUTURE
    THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE
    A PASSOVER STORY
    EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE
    BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER
    A GOOD PUN
    SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT
    THE UNWELCOME GUEST
    A LOST BALANCE
    A BAD CROP
    NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES
    JAW-ACHE
    HER PROGRAMME
    THE PROUD FATHER
    A MIRACLE
    KEEPING TIME
    QUESTION AND ANSWER
    MOTHER'S JAM POTS
    WISDOM
    WHY NOT?
    THE OLD FARMER
    ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
    TACT
    THE RETORT RUDE
    THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE
    CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP
    THE BEST JUDGE
    A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
    A SHIPWRECK
    A SAFE CASE
    THE WATCH MENDER
    THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS
    HIGH PRINCIPLES
    THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE
    CANNY SCOT
    A NICE DISTINCTION
    NOT TWO-FACED
    CLERICAL WIT
    A COSTLY EXPERIMENT
    A GOOD REASON
    ECONOMY IN THE STABLE
    THE PATRIARCH
    HIGH AND LOW
    BEER
    NOT IMPORTUNATE
    THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON
    UNION IS STRENGTH
    COURTSHIP
    TO LET
    CUT AND COME AGAIN
    THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT
    KISMET
    THE YOUNG IDEA
    THE NEW BABY
    HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES
    THE SHE BEAR
    KNOWLEDGE
    A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS
    THE EARLY BIRD
    TABLE TALK
    TROUBLES
    A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND
    DRY HUMOUR
    THE CHURCH ORGAN
    COMMON PRAYER
    SHORT COMMONS
    TRUTH
    A WRONG CHOICE
    FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD
    A CHARACTER
    HUSBAND OR COW
    A NEW METHOD
    GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED
    ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD
    COLD FEET
    BUSYBODIES
    ALDERMANIC TASTES
    "WARRANTED TO KILL"
    PROFESSIONAL
    THE NEW VERSION
    DRAUGHTS
    TENDERNESS
    HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP
    HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE
    A GOOD EXAMPLE
    A MISFIT
    A CHEERFUL INVITATION
    THE INEVITABLE RESULT
    JUSTICE
    THAT AWFUL CHILD
    A COSMOPOLITAN
    CLOTHES AND THE MAN
    A WITTY REPLY
    THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET
    GRAMMAR
    ONE SIDE AT A TIME
    COMPANY
    HER OWN FAULT
    A POSER
    YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY
    ABOVE PROOF
    ON DEATH
    ENVY
    A HAT FOR NOTHING
    AN OLD PROVERB
    PRO BONO PUBLICO
    A NEW RECIPE
    NOT A WAXWORK
    THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU
    TIPS
    JUSTICE
    DEAD AS A DOORNAIL
    FAITH
    JOB'S CURSE
    A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION
    THE RULING PASSION
    FELO-DE-SE
    HOW TO GET WARM
    NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR
    OF COMPOSITIONS
    PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER
    THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF
    ANTICIPATION
    HYMNS AND HERS
    HORS CONCOURS
    THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE
    A UNITED COUPLE
    WET PAINT
    TICK, TICK, TICK
    DIFFIDENCE
    THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED
    IMAGINATION
    UNREMITTING KINDNESS
    A WARM PROSPECT
    A SOPORIFIC STORY
    ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS
    THE LOST JOINT
    THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN
    ALL MEN ARE LIARS
    AN OBJECT LESSON
    A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT
    "SOMEWHERE"
    THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE
    WAR AND TAXES
    A MODERN ALFRED
    CHARITY ON CREDIT
    COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT
    THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER
    THE EMPTY BOTTLE
    H2O
    AN ACCIDENT
    TOUCH HIM UP
    A SMART BOY
    WEARING ROUGE
    THE POOR LANDLORD
    THE DAY OF REST
    NOT TO BE CAUGHT
    MOLECULES
    A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN
    TWINS
    A NATURAL OBJECTION
    BADLY PUT
    A DOUBTFUL MARKET
    SEQUENCES
    TWO POINTS OF VIEW
    A CANNIBAL
    TO LET--UNFURNISHED
    A FRIEND OF SATAN
    THE TEDDY BEAR
    BROTHERLY LOVE
    CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES
    MULTIPLICATION
    A BIBLICAL STORY
    THE THOUGHTFUL MAID
    HEMP
    GOOD ADVICE
    CHANGE AND REST
    THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM
    THE WAY TO YORK
    THE WAY TO DO IT
    LOT AND THE FLEA
    WHIST
    A NEW PRESCRIPTION
    JACOB'S LADDER
    A PORTRAIT
    BLOATERS
    A CONVENIENCE
    THE PRAYER MEETING
    TAKING TIME
    KING'S EVIDENCE
    A PLEASANT PROSPECT
    BALAAM'S SWORD
    THE HONORARIUM
    MANNERS
    SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING
    THE AVERAGE EGG
    FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
    THE G.O.M.
    A NEAT RETORT
    A SYDNEY SMITH STORY
    A COMMON DIFFICULTY
    MARY JONES
    DONALD COMPLIED
    VEGETARIANISM
    FELLOW-FEELING
    JONAH AND THE WHALE
    WHOLLY GOOD
    "CAREFUL, NOW!"
    SAFETY
    O'BRIEN THE LUCID
    MERCY
    A BULL
    A GOOD REASON
    THE ARREST
    CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM
    SOLITUDE
    A QUESTION OF NUMBERS
    AMERICAN POULTRY
    GRACE MAL A PROPOS
    THE POOR IDIOT
    A WELSH WIG-GING
    FORGIVENESS
    AN ODD COMPARISON
    ACOUSTICS
    SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT
    BRIGHT AND SHARP
    SOFTNESS
    AN EASY QUALIFICATION
    MISER'S CHARITY
    ON TAKING A WIFE
    THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES
    THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS
    HOW TO WIN
    PIGS
    BACON AND THE DEVIL
    HINTS TO MOTHERS
    GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE
    A SAFE SHOT
    HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION
    DIFFERENCES
    COALS
    MODESTY
    AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK
    MODERN EDUCATION
    THE RULING PASSION
    EDUCATION
    A LONG GR