



Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Lisa Tang,
Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading
Team at http://www.pgdp.net





PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Volume 148, January 13th, 1915

_edited by Owen Seamen_




CHARIVARIA.

"The enemy is not yet subdued," announced the KAISER in his New Year's
address to his troops. It is gratifying to have this rumour confirmed
from a source so unimpeachable.

      * * *

Prince BUELOW is finding himself _de trop_ at Rome. "Man wants but
little here, BUELOW," he is being told.

      * * *

"Stick it!" it may be remembered, was General VON KLUCK'S Christmas
message as published in a German newspaper. The journal in question is
evidently read in Constantinople, for the Turks are now stated to have
sent several thousand sacks of cement to the Egyptian frontier with
which to fill up the Suez Canal.

      * * *

After all, it is pointed out, there is not very much difference
between the reigning Sultan of TURKEY and his predecessor. The one is
The Damned, and the other The Doomed.

      * * *

With reference to the "free fight" between Austrians and Germans in
the concentration camp at Pietermaritzburg, which Reuter reported the
other day, we now hear that the fight was not entirely free. Several
of the combatants, it seems, were afterwards fined.

      * * *

The latest English outrage, according to Berlin, was done upon the
German officer who attempted to escape in a packing-case. It is said
that he has been put back in his case, which has been carefully
soldered up, and then as carefully mislaid.

      * * *

Another typical German lie is published by the _Frankfurter Zeitung_.
Describing the FIRST LORD this sheet says:--"Well built, he struts
about elegantly dressed...." Those who remember our WINSTON'S little
porkpie hat will resent this charge.

      * * *

An awfully annoying thing has happened to the _Vossische Zeitung_. Our
enterprising little contemporary asked three Danish professors to
state in what way they were indebted to German science, and they all
gave wrong answers. They said they were also indebted to English
science.

      * * *

"HOUNDS IN A WORKHOUSE."
    _Daily Mail._

It was, of course, inevitable that the hunts should suffer through the
war.

      * * *

_The Evening Standard_ has been making enquiries as to the effect of
the War on the membership of the various Clubs. The report from the
Athenaeum was "The War has not affected the club at all." Can it be
that the dear old fellows have not heard of it yet?

      * * *

"Business as usual" is evidently Paraguay's motto. They are having one
of their revolutions there in spite of the War.

      * * *

The Tate Gallery authorities have now placed the pictures they value
most in the cellars of that institution, and the expression on the
face of any artist who finds his work still on the wall is in itself a
picture.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: GALLANT ATTEMPT BY A MEMBER OF THE BRITISH
EXPEDITIONARY FORCE TO DO JUSTICE TO ALL HIS NEW YEAR'S GIFTS.]

       *       *       *       *       *

Famous Lines.

    "After plying regularly for nearly twenty-five years between
    Vancouver, Victoria and the Orient, the last few months of
    excitement must have brought back to the memory of her old
    timbers--if they happen to be sentient, as Kipling would almost
    have one believe--the famous line, 'One crowded hour of glorious
    life is worth a cycle of Cathay.'"

    _News-Advertiser_ (_Vancouver, B.C._)

      * * *

    "P. B.--It is a pleasure to read your stirring lines entitled 'To
    Berlin'; they possess the twin merits of being vigorous and
    timely. We should make an alteration in title, calling them simply
    'To Berlin.'"

    _Great Thoughts._

No, don't thank us. Our advice is always at the disposal of young
writers.

       *       *       *       *       *

ENGLISH LINES FOR ENEMY CALENDARS.

For the _KAISER_--

  "_La Belle France sans merci_
    Hath thee in thrall."

For the _Emperor of AUSTRIA_, after the rout in Serbia--

  "'But what good came of it at last?'
  Quoth little PETER, king."

For the _Commander of the Western Campaign_--

  "Of all the towns that are so far
  There's none so far as Calais."

For _General VON MOLTKE_ (retired)--

  "Then was I like some watcher on the Rhine
  When a new plan is forced into his ken."

For the _Sultan of TURKEY_--

  "He will hold me when his friendship shall have spent its novel force
  Something better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse."

For the _IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR_--

  "Oft had I heard from EDWARD GREY."

       *       *       *       *       *

WAR ETIQUETTE.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

_Materfamilias_ (Manchester).--No, it is not necessary for you to wear
a dressing-gown for dinner out of compliment to your wounded guests'
pyjamas; if you wear your best tea-gown they will not know the
difference.

_Sweet and Twenty_ (Surbiton).--I do not think your mother could
object to your tucking up your charming wounded officer for the night
as long as you don a Red Cross cloak over your evening attire. It is
not usual to kiss these wounded heroes unless you or they are under
seventeen or over seventy.

_Veronica_ (Ventnor).--I think the right size of photograph for your
second cousin to take with him to the Front depends on its subject:
cabinets are usual for dogs, horses and female first cousins; carte
size for parents and male relatives; but from the tone of your letter
and from the fact that you are only his _second_ cousin, I think there
are but two alternatives: boudoir size, or a dainty miniature in a
leather case for the pocket, such as can be obtained at Messrs. Snooks
for the modest sum of ten guineas.

       *       *       *       *       *

    "Germans and Austrians at Loggerheads."

    _Daily Paper._

Another of these Polish towns.

       *       *       *       *       *

"PUNCH" IN THE ENEMY'S TRENCHES.

    [To the officer whose letter, reproduced in _The Daily Telegraph_,
    after reporting the irregular exchange of Christmas gifts between
    our men and the enemy, goes on to say:--"In order to put a stop to
    a situation which was proving impossible, I went out myself after
    a time with a copy of 'Punch,' which I presented to a dingy Saxon
    in exchange for a small packet of excellent cigars and
    cigarettes."]

    A Scent of truce was in the air,
      And mutual compliments were paid--
    A sausage here