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THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR:

A NEW AND FACETIOUS INTRODUCTION TO THE ENGLISH TONGUE.

By Percival Leigh

Embellished with upwards of forty-five Characteristic Illustrations By
John Leech.

1845.




PRELIMINARY DISCOURSE.

Fashion {003}requires, and like the rest of her sex, requires because
she requires, that before a writer begins the business of his book, he
should give an account to the world of his reasons for producing it; and
therefore, to avoid singularity, we shall proceed with the statement of
our own, excepting only a few private ones, which are neither here nor
there.

To advance the interests of mankind by promoting the cause of Education;
to ameliorate the conversation of the masses; to cultivate Taste, and
diffuse Refinement; these are the objects we have in view in submitting
a Comic English Grammar to the patronage of a discerning Public.

Few persons there are, whose ears are so extremely obtuse, as not to
be frequently annoyed at the violations of Grammar by which they are so
often assailed. It is really painful to be forced, in walking along the
streets, to hear such phrases as, "That 'ere omnibus."

"Where've you bin?"

"Vot's the odds?" and the like. Very dreadful expressions are also used
by cartmen and others in addressing their horses. What can possibly
induce a human being to say "Gee woot!"

"'Mather way!" or "Woa not to mention the atrocious "Kim aup!" of the
barbarous butcher's boy.

It is notorious that the above and greater enormities are perpetrated
in spite of the number of Grammars already before the world. This fact
sufficiently excuses the present addition to the stock; and as serious
English Grammars have hitherto failed to effect the desired reformation,
we are induced to attempt it by means of a Comic one.

With regard to the moral tendency of our labors, we may be here
permitted to remark, that they will tend, if successful, to the
suppression of _evil speaking _; and as the Spartans used to exhibit
a tipsy slave to their children with a view to disgust them with
drunkenness, so we, by giving a few examples here and there, of
incorrect phraseology, shall expose, in their naked deformity, the vices
of speech to the ingenious reader.

The {004}comical mind, like the jaundiced eye, views everything
through a  medium. Such a mind is that of the generality of our
countrymen. We distinguish even the nearest ties of relationship by
facetious names. A father is called "dad," or "poppa;" an uncle, "nunkey
and a wife, a "rib," or more pleasantly still, as in the advertisements
for situations, "an encumbrance."

We will not allow a man to give an old woman a dose of rhubarb if he
have not acquired at least half a dozen sciences; but we permit a
quack to sell as much poison as he pleases. When one man runs away with
another's wife, and, being on that account challenged to fight a duel,
shoots the aggrieved party through the head, the latter is said to
receive _satisfaction_.

We never take a glass of wine at dinner without getting somebody else to
do the same, as if we wanted encouragement; and then, before we venture
to drink, we bow to each other across the table, preserving all the
while a most wonderful gravity. This, however, it may be said, is the
natural result of endeavoring to keep one another in countenance.

The way in which we imitate foreign manners and customs is very amusing.
Savages stick fish-bones through their noses; our fair countrywomen
have hoops of metal poked through their ears. The Caribs flatten
the forehead; the Chinese compress the foot; and we possess similar
contrivances for reducing the figure of a young lady to a resemblance to
an hour-glass or a devil-on-two-sticks.

There being no other assignable motive for these and the like
proceedings, it is reasonable to suppose that they are adopted, as
schoolboys say, "for fun."

We could go on, were it necessary, adducing facts to an almost unlimited
extent; but we consider that enough has now been said in proof of the
comic character of the national mind. And in conclusion, if any other
than an English or American author can be produced, equal in point of
wit, humor, and drollery, to Swift, Sterne, Dickens, or Paulding, we
hereby engage to eat him; albeit we have no pretensions to the character
of a "helluo librorum."

"English {005}Grammar," according to Lindley Murray, "is the art of