**Actual occurrences that took place between me and Keri in Las Vegas during our search for somewhere - anywhere! - that would serve lunch before 11am. Perhaps or perhaps not after 16 hours of boozing and 1 hour before we had to fly back to NYC**\n\nAct 1, Scene 1\n\nSetting: 10am, Vegas. Poolside Cafe. Cue Keri:\n\nKeri (to waitress): \"Hi, can I have a Diet Coke and BLT?\"\nWaitress: \"Sorry,\" pops gum. \"We don't serve lunch until 11am.\"[Looks at Keri and CK condescendingly. Thinks: fatties.]\nKeri: \"Well do you have the ingredients???\"\nWaitress: \"Yes.\"\nKeri: \"Then I don't understand why you can't make me a BLT? Now.\"\nWaitress: \"Because it's not 11am.\" [CK starts to cry. Waitress takes pity] \"OK, if you want lunch food, you should go to Crepe Cafe in the hotel.\"\nKeri: \"Crepes? CREPES? So what, I go there and get a bunch of crepes?\"\nWaitress: \"Uh, I mean if you want.\" [Looks confused] But they serve burgers and fries and stuff 24 hours.\"\n[CK rips up menu and throws water on the ground. Keri tosses over the table. Exit.]\n\nAct 1, Scene 2.\n\nSetting: Crepe Cafe is actually Caribe Cafe. 10 people stand in line for a half empty dining room.\n\nCK: \"Uh. What's the deal with this line? I see about 42 free tables?\"\nPerson in Front: \"I don't know.\"\nCK: \"What do you mean you don't know?\"\nPerson in Front: \"Uh, I mean I don't know...\" [CK rolls eyes, nudges Keri, points at Person in Front. Swears.]\n\nFast forward 15 minutes.\n\nHostess: \"Hi! We can seat you now! Follow me!\"\n[Keri and CK race after hostess. Jump in booth. Clap hands. Grab menus. Talk about burgers and fries. Stop. No lunch food on menu. Freak out commences.]\n\nCK: \"Keri! Did you ask them if they serve lunch food?\" [CK agitated. Eye twitching.]\nKeri: \"Well the other woman told me they did!\" [Keri starts to panic. Turns over menu. Grabs another.]\nCK: \"I did NOT just wait 15 min in line to not get a burger!\"\n[Enter unsuspecting Salvadorean waiter.]\nCK: \"Hey! You! They told us there'd be burgers here.\"\nKeri: \"And fries!!!!!!\"\nWaiter: \"I just take drink orders.\"\n[CK throws menu on ground again. Swears. Curtains close.]\n\nAct 1, Scene 3\n\nSetting: Keri is rocking back and forth in her chair. CK is lying on the ground, crying. Clouds part, Heavens open, Angels start to sing. Enter our savior, Lai, The Wonder Waitress.\n\nLai: You want burgers?\nKeri and CK: YES!\nLai: You want BLT?\nKeri and CK: YES!\nLai: Fries?\nKeri and CK: YES, YES, YES!!!!\n\n[Wait at least another 30 min. Food arrives. In any other setting, no self-respecting human being would touch with a 10 foot pole.]\n\nFinal Act:\n\nSetting: Keri and CK shoveling food, quietly, into mouths. CK unbuttons pants. Keri steals fries when not looking. Lai gets big tip.\n\nLe Fin.
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