No one really likes the dentist. Especially since I've gotten older and my teeth have gone to hell no matter what I do. (Yes, lady--I do floss. Yes, lady--I brush at least twice a day, sometimes more.) It's one of those things we hate because it's annoying, it takes time out of our schedules, and it's often painful. No matter how we brush our teeth, we are prone to cavities.\n\nMidwest Dental isn't horrible. I've had maybe five or six dentists in my life at this point, and I can probably say that of those that I've had, Midwest is the worst of them, but even still--they're not horrific.\n\nMidwest tends to assign you a hygienist so you see the same person every time you go. This is the first dental practice I've visited where this is the case. Every other one I went to, the hygienist was whomever was available. \n\nMy first hygienist at Midwest was a young girl, fresh out of her two-year program, I believe. She was nice enough, and competent, but she was a kid. She liked kid things. My first visit, while she had hands in my mouth and I couldn't scream at her that I didn't give two flying figs, she told me all about what had been going on during \"The Bachelorette\" that season. The second time, she asked me what I was reading (I had a book with me), and then told me all about how much she loved \"Twilight.\" \n\nI was dreading a third uninformative visit with her, but she moved. So, I was reassigned to a new hygienist. Again: A nice enough, competent hygienist, but not someone with whom I want to have a conversation. She still works there, so I won't go into too much detail in case she ever reads this. She's a wonderful person, but I'm an introvert by nature. I don't want to make small talk. I don't want to hear about her kids. I don't really tell people about my kids--why do I want to hear about yours, lady?\n\nThe hygienist is absolutely brutal with the dental floss. She hammers that wax garrote up and down my teeth with all the subtlety of a teenage boy groping boobs for the first time. \n\n\"Oh, your gums are bleeding. You're not flossing enough.\"\n\nLady, I floss every friggin' day. My gums don't bleed when I floss. Maybe it's because you're trying to go THROUGH the frickin' tissue instead of along the tooth? Don't even get me started on her skills with the violent metal pick. She has cut me like Wolverine.\n\nThey also really like to indict you on anything you do food and drink-wise at this place. \"Your teeth show wear. Are you drinking soda?\"\n\nYeah, a can or two a day. But I brush.\n\n\"YOU SHOULD NEVER DRINK SODA! IN FACT, IF YOU LIVE IN A COUNTY WITH A SODA BOTTLING PLANT, YOU HAVE TO MOVE! DON'T COME WITHIN TWO HUNDRED MILES OF A SODA!\"\n\nGeez, lady. Lighten up. \n\n\"How much do you brush a day?\"\n\nAt least twice. Once in the morning before I leave for work, and again at night. Sometimes I sneak another one in there sometimes.\n\n\"How many minutes, though?\"\n\nTwo or three per session, plus flossing at night.\n\n\"YOU SHOULD BRUSH YOUR TEETH FOR THIRTY HOURS. NEVER STOP BRUSHING. YOU'RE NOT BRUSHING ENOUGH.\"\n\nWell hell, lady...\n\nThey also like to sell you extra crap that you may or may not need. \"Here--here's a special paste you should rub on your gums. It's $15. Here's a special toothpaste. You can only get it here. It's $15. If you need more, come back here and spend another $15. Here's a rinse. It was made from elf urine. It's magic. $22.\"\n\nIf my dental plan could be covered under another dentist that didn't involve a drive across Madison, I'd probably switch up and go there. Unfortunately, I'm limited in my choices, so I'm stuck returning to Midwest Dental.\n\nAt least there's a Perkins right next door. Right after I get my teeth done, I take a special pleasure in going into Perkins for a stack of flappys with extra syrup and a diet Coke.\n\n\"YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT SUGAR! AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SODA?\"\n\nGeez, lady...it's life. I'm going to live it. Relax a little.
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