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Jokes > Search Results > jewel academy game
Best Jokes and puns for jewel academy game | Best Jokes and Puns
Jokes and puns for jewel academy game:
Related Tags: jewel academy game. game tv game board game card game game warden baseball game
The Three Expensive Monkeys
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of $5,000 and goes to the merchant to ask for details. "Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?" "Well, it knows Windows 7 and windows 10, and also knows Word, C++, .net, app programming, and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games." "Wow good monkey, it's worth the money." He goes and finds another monkey with a price of $10,000 and again he will ask the merchant. "What does this monkey know?" "It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad." "Wow, even I don't know those things." On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price $20,000. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. "And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?" "ITp be honest, I've never seen her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager."
animal joke monkey business joke money manager programming computers pet shop merchant
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Little Johnny and the Guessing Game
A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess what it is. This one is round and red." Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. The teacher knew him to be a troublemaker. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "No." Said the teacher with a smile. "it's an apple, but i like the way you think! The next one is oval shaped and green." The teacher ignored Little Johnny's eagerly raised hand again as a boy said, "It's an Iguana miss!" "No, it's a kiwi, but i like the way you think Billy." Little Johnny couldn't help himself anymore and said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red knob." "Johnny, that's disgusting!" shouted the teacher in anger. "Nah, " Said Little Johnny. "It's a match, but i like the way you think."
children little johnny joke apple teacher joke little johnny class anger iguana troublemaker kiwi disgusting
A Meticulous Plan Goes Wrong
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked: "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
doctor joke baseball game patients
The Old Man and the Pricey Ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special." The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!" The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon." Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!" The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"
senior funny senior joke joke about men man joke male joke ring
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It's tide.
What do kids play when they can't play with a phone?
Bored games.
Bowling Puns
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
An Old Husband and Wife Discuss Golf
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife. "But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball." his wife pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."
senior senior joke senior couple golf middle distance forgot suggested peering yelled play golf fairway
God's Hunter
A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season. "Godda**it," the hunter muttered. Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air! No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth. As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden. Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak. "Whoa." Then, from above him, a voice boomed: "YOU'RE WELCOME."
religion joke God thunder hunter storm tree bank river eyes explosion lightning rocks uprooted diverting
The Most Amazing Story
A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman. "And that, your honor, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room."
cheating joke magic frog Las Vegas judge
Fay's Jokes Wind Everybody Up
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
joke about women hooker joke
Using Cold Water to Clean the Dishes
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied: 'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said: 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled: 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: 'Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me!?!'
funny gross animal joke food rural joke animal
Worm Puns
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
The Hunter's Daughter
A hunter takes his daughter deer hunting for the first time. As they get to the deer stand, the hunter tells his daughter to get in the stand and sit very still, and if a deer comes out, shoot it. The hunter leaves his daughter in the stand and starts walking to his own stand. After walking for about five minutes he hears the loud bang of a rifle echoing through the woods from the direction of his daughter's stand. He thinks, wow! My daughter must have already shot a deer! So he turns back and heads to her stand. But when he gets there, he sees his daughter arguing with a game warden. He hears his daughter yelling at the game warden, "get away from my deer!" The game warden yells back, "look, girl, I already told you, this is not a deer. I should have you arrested for such negligence with a firearm!" The hunter's daughter is so pissed at this point that she loads a round into her deer rifle, points it right at the game warden's face, and says, "this is a deer. I shot it. It's my deer. Now step away or I will blow your head off." The game warden slowly puts his hands up as he's staring down the barrel of her loaded deer rifle. He then nervously says, "okay Ma'am. I was wrong. I see now that it is a deer. But before you take it away, can I get my saddle off of it?"
dark humor hunter's daughter deer game warden saddle
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: "Hey Jeff! What's the word on the street?"
Soccer Puns
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
The Humming Sound
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with an adult... toy. "What are you doing?!?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband!" Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter on the sofa with her toy. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching sports on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are YOU doing?" she exclaimed. "Watching the game with my son-in-law." said the father.
rude joke husband father mother daughter naked vibrator sofa
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented. Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?' The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..' The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'
rude joke postman
Satan's Schedule
A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is. "You're in Hell," said the devil, appearing. "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is!" "What!?!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!" "Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realize - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here." Unconvinced, the guy prepared to object but the devil cut him off. "Let me give you an example," he said, "what's today? Monday right? Yes, Monday. Do you gamble?" "I gamble a little bit," said the guy, "I play poker with my friends every now and then and always have a bet on the big horse races." "Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Mondays, Monday is our gambling day. In the morning we play blackjack and roulette, at lunch we bet on the horses, in the afternoon we bet on sports games and at night we play cards. It's really a lot of fun, you're going to LOVE Mondays" "That does sound ok," said the guy, "but if it's all the same to you I want to talk to the man upstairs and see..." "Do you drink?" the devil interrupted. "Sure," said the guy, "everyone likes a drink every now and then." "Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Tuesdays, Tuesday is our drinking day. We wake up, have breakfast with amazing Bloody Marys that takes us to an early lunch where we have pizza and beer then drink beer and whiskey all afternoon until dinner time where we have the best wines, followed by port and cognac. A very popular day, you're going to LOVE Tuesdays." "That does sound pretty good," said the guy, "but..." "Do you ever do drugs?" said the devil. "I smoke pot every now and then," said the guy. "Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Wednesdays, Wednesday is our drug day. Probably our most popular day to be honest. We start off nice and easy with the finest hash, then move on to coke as a nice pick me up, then we go out and do ecstasy and dance and have a great time then we wind the day down with some top-notch heroin. And don't worry about the dangers because you're already dead! Yes you're going to LOVE Wednesdays" "Actually that sounds great," says the guy "Perfect," said the devil, "are you gay?" "No, I'm not." said the guy "Oh," said the devil, "then you're going to hate Thursdays."
breakfast dark humor hell joke Devil whisky drink beer Gay drugs gambling thursday bloody mary pizza
The Baseball Buddies
Sam and Dean were the best of friends as well as two of the biggest baseball fans the world has ever seen. All of their lives, Sam and Dean would talk about baseball. They went to all the games they could get to. They even made a pact, as kids, that when one of them dies - the other will return to tell him if heaven has baseball games. One night, after watching a Yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few nights later, his buddy Dean wakes up to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond. "Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean. "Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam. "Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?" "Give me the good news first." "Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven." "That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."
religion joke heaven joke afterlife baseball
Volleyball Puns
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Hockey Puns
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Spice Puns
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Mouse Puns
What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Vegetable Puns
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
The Best Senior Games
Lately there has been talk about inventing some more fun games for seniors. After all, we're the ones with all the free time! Some suggestions: Sag, You're it. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. Questions Shouted into your Good Ear. Kick the Bucket. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over. Doc, Doc Goose. Simon Says Something Incoherent. Hide and Go Pee Spin the Bottle of Mylanta and last but not least - A Fun round of Musical Recliners!
senior senior joke games
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Basketball Puns
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Old McDonald's Farm
Two Army football players were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."
school soldier farm army joke football player sat
Jose the Tourist
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he saved his money and went on a trip. He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and shouted to me: "Jose, can you see?"
family United States baseball Mexican game america world players stands jose nicest shouted sold out
You're a WHAT?
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with a patronizing smirk and asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah?' said the cop, already starting to write up the report. 'What do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stopped. Then lifted his head: 'A WHAT? 'A Rectum Stretcher!' ''Are you playing games with me? ' 'Not at all, officer." said the woman seriously. 'I take pride in my work.' 'And just what does a.. a rectum stretcher do?' The officer asked. 'Look,' she sighs, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'
rectum car cop police joke speeding police
The Mystery Woman at the Bar
This bachelor goes into a bar and notices a major hottie, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. Despite his best game, the bachelor couldn't achieve any progress with her. "No thank you," she would always say." The man was determined, this cutie was worth giving up the game. They had an instant connection, but things never got past the formalities! At the end of the night he finally caved. "Why won't you come home with me?" he whined to her. The woman said: "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "Wow, that must be rather difficult." the bachelor said. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But it has my husband pretty upset."
marriage joke bachelor night upset game connection pure instant cutie hottie formalities caved progress
Grandpa's Buddies
My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games." "When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I screwed a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn't pay for my drinks all night!" The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks, "What the hell happened to you?" The grandson says, "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to screw a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the crap out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!" The grandfather says, "Well who the hell did you go with boy?" The grandson says, "My friends from school, who did you go with?" The grandfather says, "Well…the Nazis."
school friends bartender grandfather Paris grandson nazis video games moulin rouge bruises drinks dancer
Three Paralympian Swimmers Go Head-to-Head
Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games. The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block. The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in. They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line. Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water. He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says: "I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start an idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me!"
sports joke swimmers Paralympic
Dirty Puns
Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game?
She was trying to catch some fowl balls.
How to Turn a Nice Profit While Flying
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." "No," she says. "I just want to sleep." He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks. She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks. He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?" She hands him 5 dollars.
bet plane blond lawyer joke
Knock knock.
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
Bat Puns
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
A Closeted Conundrum
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work... Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Fine, fine, just be quiet." A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him. "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover sighs. "How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
husband priest cheating joke children joke lover closet glove highway robbery infielder breathe dive sold
France Puns
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Easter Puns
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
10 Long Years
A man travels on a ship. Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it's so unknown that no ship ever comes near it. 10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come. As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it's a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet-suit. She approaches the man, who can't believe his eyes. She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him. "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" she asks the man. "It's been 10 years," he replies. With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Man, that is good!" he says, sighing in pleasure. "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" the woman asks. Trembling, the castaway explains that it's also been 10 years. Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask. The man opens it and takes a swig. "This is the best day of my life," he says, grinning. The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and looks at the man seductively. "Now, how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" she asks seductively. With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs. "Dear lord! Don't tell me you've got a game of twister in there!"
joke about women shipwrecked island boat woman twister castaway years poor seductively sobs pity nearby
Golfing With the Wife and the Doctor
A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He's never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out. All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it's taking... They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack! "Help me," he groans to his wife. The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt. Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the wife calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" he asks feebly. "No time at all," says his wife. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
husband marriage joke doctor golf joke
The Three Couples and Their Honeymoon
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons. The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to make love to her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
teacher marriage joke nurse maid lovemaking joke hotel honeymoon groom game play front desk
Apple Puns
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Tea Puns
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Jokes For Women
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Dirty Short Jokes
How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game? Call B52
Playing in Detroit
A coach for the Detroit Lions was looking for the perfect quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Syrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" The coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
family joke political joke crime joke sports joke football detroit muslim rape gunshots beaten brothers
Sports Puns
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
Getting Out of Work Early
Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waved goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy. They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back. A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: "Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime." Joe: "I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I've been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them." Rick: "I know, it's just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with." Andy: "I don't care about the project anymore. I haven't had a home-cooked dinner in months because I'm always stuck working." Rick: "Well what can we do? We can't just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines." The guys all agreed Rick was right and continued to work ridiculous hours for the next week. One day at lunch Andy piped up again. Andy: "I'm sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night." Joe: "I know man. I missed last nights GoT premier and I'm having to avoid everyone who watched it." Rick: "I hear you both. I've missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it." Andy: "You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late." Rick: "What!? We can't do that. If we leave early we will fall behind even more than we already are." Joe: "Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus we will get caught and could lose our jobs." Andy: "Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does." Joe: "I don't know, Andy. That sounds really risky." Andy: "Come on. Don't you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don't you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?" Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement. Rick: "Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?" Andy: "I don't see why not? Rick your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed." Rick: "Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them." Joe: "So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?" Andy: "Yes. Now let's finish up lunch and get back to work." The three guys went back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave. Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team. All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day. The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work. Joe all eager from binge watching his favorite shows asked the other guys, "So how was your nights off??" Rick: "Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy." Joe: "That's great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show." Rick: "What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you've been missing?" Andy: "Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I seen Phil's truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn't sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely can't be skipping out early again boys."
business joke cheating joke boss house work
A Game of Weighing
Frank takes his blind date, Heather, to an amusement park. Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on. "What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather. So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, "you weigh 128 pounds?" "You are two pounds off," replies Heather. She steps on the scale, and sure enough, she weighs 130 pounds. After Frank and Heather ride the Ferris wheel, Frank asks, "What do you want to do next?" "I want to get weighed," replies Heather. "But you already did. Twice." "No I didn't." "Yes you did." "No I didn't." So Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser a third time. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, remembering what she had weighed the first two times, "you weigh 130 pounds?" Heather steps on the scale, and sure enough, she still weighs 130 pounds. Now this goes on for a while. Frank always suggests to go on a different ride, and Heather always says, "I want to get weighed." After much arguing, Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser over and over. Both Frank and the weight guesser become very annoyed. Finally, the blind date is over. Frank takes Heather home to her roommate, Lisa. "How was your date?" asks Lisa. "Oh, Wisa," says Heather, "it was wame and wousy."
joke about women joke about men Frank lovemaking joke blind date amusement park heather weighed annoyed
Going to Hooters
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay, let's give it a try."
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If You're Outdoors, Wear a Bell Please
"Important Announcement: In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
pepper bears warning grizzly bear black bear
Football Puns
I've never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I've never played a game either.
I've been getting blitzed all game
Here's the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
I've been getting blitzed all game.
Why's it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
I'm establishing my punning game early today.
[Donuts] We're going the hole nine yards for this game.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
The Lost Thesaurus
A man loses his thesaurus, which he uses all the time. He searches all over his house for it. He's double-checked everywhere, but he just can't find it. Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members. His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first. Man: "Did you take my thesaurus?" Daughter: "I didn't take your thesaurus, I was just reading my favorite book. Maybe ask my brother? He always tries to reach into high cabinets, so he might have taken it to stand on." So the man goes off and to look for his son. He finds his son sitting on the couch, playing video games. Man: "Did you take my thesaurus?" Son: "Of course not, I hate reading. Ask mom, she might have it." So the man looks for his wife, but she isn't home. He starts getting really frustrated. He goes to the stables to search for her. He goes in but there's just their horse standing there.The man, frustrated, decides to amuse himself. "I don't suppose YOU know where my thesaurus is, right?" Horse: "Nope. Oops, I mean Neighhhh!"
animal joke family wife father son horse silly joke daughter thesaurus animal
Toucan Puns
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
Snake Puns
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
How to Use Timbuktu!
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
rude joke children priest cheap africa assignment australia rent shepherd timbuktu brisbane tv game
Blonde vs. Lawyer
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Joke bet plane funny lawyer blond
Ice Cream Puns
What is ice cream's favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Golf Puns
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
When You Drive Erratically
Three buddies are out driving around in a sports car. It's all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection. Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly. Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"
religion family accident death heaven joke doctor heaven comeback joke pearly gates casket fun and games
Baseball Puns
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
How to Get Permission
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse?" She said, "Don't forget your hat."'
senior senior joke marriage joke golf lovemaking joke golf joke
The Religious Tennis Match
A bishop and a bishop are having a tennis match. The bishop is very competitive, but can't seem to bring his A-game to the priest who is clearly better. After a volley from the priest, the bishop misses and yells: "God*amn it! I missed!", startling the priest. He lets it slip and the match continues. But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the priest, the bishop misses and again yells: "God*amn it! I missed!" "Stop it" yells the priest. "You can't use the Lords name in vain like that!" The bishop apologizes. "I'm sorry, my son. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might." "Fair enough." grumbles the priest, and the match continues. It's going really well, but as fate may have it, the bishop misses and slips again, shouting "God*amn it! I missed!" Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the ball midair. A thundering voice emits from the skies... "Da*n it! I missed!"
religion joke priest bishop sports joke tennis lightning competitive match missed christian joke volley
An Animal Game of Poker
In a part of Las Vegas humans don't know about, a group of animals are playing cards in Las Vegas... and arguing. Lion: "Stop taking glances at my card, you're a cheetah!" Cheetah: "No, you're a Lion!" Warthog: "You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices." Elephant: "Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGING all the wings!" Warthog: "Tell that to the dude who thinks eating them will make him fly." Ostrich: "You can't talk, you snort off of the table. Also, will we just ignore the fact that one guy ate all the bananas?" Monkey: "Give me a break, I can't even get dinner protein after they fixed all the bugs in the slot machines." Giraffe: "Why don't you just steal leftovers from random plates like I do? You just lean over." The Dog at the table looks at all of them and rolls his eyes. "Ugh, I knew I should have played with my usual crowd!"
dog animal joke monkey lion Las Vegas ostrich Elephant giraffe poker Cheetah wings warthog hogging
15 Minutes Late
A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round. She says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse. Finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "Well I'm ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, "What if it's pointing straight up?" "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
marriage joke nude golf joke 15 minutes switch pointing back and forth left handed straight up ambidextrous
The Game Show Contestant
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are is the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
rude joke marriage joke keys heart dirty joke penis head gameshow errand
Cat Puns
What is a cat's favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Frog Puns
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Chuck Norris Jokes
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
The Arrogant Professor
An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man. Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he's intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: "Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?" The old man looks at him and says: "Depends. What type of game?" The professor goes on to explain the game: "Taking turns, we'll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn't, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?" The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior. To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him. "If I lose, I 'll give you two dollars instead of one!" "No." "Five dollars!" "No." "Ten dollars!" "I told you, no." Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: "If I lose, I'll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you'll only give me one!" The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, then sighs. "Only if I get to start", and the professor immediately agrees. "Ask away", the professor says, confident he'll never lose. The old man asks: "What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?" The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description. After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. Grumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100. He wastes no time and asks him: "So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?" The old man smiles and says: "I've got no idea. Here's your dollar."
plane joke professor comeback joke smart blond dollars asker raises stakes desperate concentration grumbling
Zebra Puns
A Zebra said to a Lion "Let's swap roles for a while."
The Lion said " I'm game!".
The Politician and the Afterlife
While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the politician . "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
political joke religion joke heaven joke the devil politician
Dark Short Jokes
My childhood was like a game of chess.
My dad always beat me.
A Sporting Spirit
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
family joke coach kids hockey mother joke
Potato Puns
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
Cheese Puns
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
The Special Golf Ball
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it."
friends golf joke sun trees golf course golf ball lake shot homing beacon sand trap
Grandpa's Advice Was So Awesome
I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me, it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was 12. We were sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. "And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "How come, Grandpa?" I asked. "It makes your pecker look bigger."
rude joke grandpa advice small hands
Chess Puns
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Don't Mess with Mother Nature...
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch. Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF! She was gone. After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?" Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows." Fred screams back: "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! DON'T SWING!!!"
rude joke golf nature
Rabbit Puns
What's a rabbit's favorite game? Hopscotch!
Stevie Wonder's Golf Game
A famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus, is sitting in a bar drinking with Stevie Wonder. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf?" Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." says Stevie. "You... you play golf!?" asks a dumbfound Jack. Stevie says, "Sure, I've been playing for years." "But... forgive me," Says a baffled Nicklaus. "I thought you were blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Stevie Wonder smiles. "No offense taken. It's an understandable question. What I do is I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." He explains. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wonders. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." "And what is your handicap?" Jack asks. "I play off scratch." Stevie assures him. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is fine with me."
bar golf joke blind golfer game singing career seriously winning jack nicklaus stevie wonder caddie baffled
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We open our blog to explore, to share and to shape the big issues of "Transformation" and "Sustainable Development".
Academics, experts, stakeholders as well as activists, artists and alumini are invited to publish their ideas, research results, reports and questions in our blog.
The main objective is to establish a public discourse on a high level across the academic disciplines and to start an open a dialogue with all the people interested in and involved in the big social transformation. The social, political and cultural challenges of our time and of our future need transparency, participation and collaboration. Social media foster this development by offering horizontal and easily accessible communications. All media – text, image, video and audio – can be used for rich and immersive communications with a high impact on getting people informed and involved.
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Writing and publishing require a profound research, verified resources and will be peer reviewed by the editorial board.
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The Optimizer is a small Wi-Fi hotspot with a built in firewall that stops all unwanted data requests from a user's computer. Because it generates a Wi-Fi hotspot, users can easily connect to the service with virtually any modern computer or iOS device, eliminating setup and support issues otherwise common with satellite data services. The included firewall saves customers airtime fees by blocking all unwanted traffic, while allowing compressed email, web and weather data when using XGate service. XGate also handles the phone connection: dialing, monitoring the satellite phone signal, and hanging up calls as needed.
Optimizer/XGate works with any IP-based satellite phone or terminal. This includes phones and terminals from the major satellite providers like Iridium(9555/9575), Inmarsat(iSatPhone Pro), Thuraya, Globalstar, VSAT, and MSAT(G2).


Grunert, Patrick; Skinner, Luke; Hodell, David A.; Piller, Werner E.
Census counts of benthic foraminifera were studied from the SW Iberian Margin to reconstruct past changes in deep-water hydrography across Terminations I and II. Detailed benthic faunal data (> 125 µm size-fraction) allow us to evaluate the limitations imposed by taphonomic processes and restricted size-fractions. The comparison of recent (mudline) and fossil assemblages at IODP Site U1385 indicates the quick post-mortem disintegration of shells of astrorhizoid taxa (∼ 80% of the present-day fauna), resulting in impoverished fossil assemblages. While the application of quantitative proxy methods is problematic under these circumstances, the fossil assemblages can still provide a qualitative palaeoenvironmental signal that, while most fully expressed in the 125-212 µm size-fraction, is nonetheless also expressed to some degree in the > 212 µm size-fraction. Variations in the benthic foraminiferal assemblages reveal information about changing organic matter supply, deep-water oxygenation and temperature. MIS 2 is generally characterized by an elevated trophic state and variable oxic conditions, with oxygenation minima culminating in the Younger Dryas (YD) and Heinrich Stadials (HS) 1, 2 and 3. Low oxic conditions coincide with decreased water-temperature and lower benthic δ13C, pointing to the strong influence of a southern sourced water-mass during these periods. HS 1 is the most extreme of these intervals, providing further evidence for a severe temporary reduction or even shutdown of AMOC. With the inception of MIS 1, organic matter supply reduced and a better ventilated deep-water environment bathed by NEADW is established. For Termination II, clear indications of southern-sourced water are limited to the early phase of HS 11. During the latter part of HS 11, the deep-water environment seems to be determined by strongly increased supply of organic matter, potentially explaining the decoupling of benthic δ13C and Mg/Ca records of earlier studies as a phytodetritus effect on the carbon isotope signal. However, the presence of a warm, nutrient-rich and poorly oxygenated water-mass cannot be ruled out. With the inception of interglacial MIS 5e trophic conditions are reduced and ventilation by NEADW increases. Abstract Copyright (2015) Elsevier, B.V.
by Grunert, Patrick; Hodell, David; Alvarez-Zarikian, Carlos; Hernández-Molina, F. Javier; Stow, Dorrik A. V.
by Peterson, L. C.; O'Hara, C.; Haug, G. H.; Lin, H.
by McManus, J. F.; Oppo, D. W.; Praetorius, S. K.; Curry, W. B.


– Building and Construction: Knowledge of materials, methods, and tools involved in the construction or repair of houses, building, or other structures.
– Time Management: Managing one's own time and the time of others.
– Equipment Selection: Determining the kind of tools and equipment needed to do a job.
– Troubleshooting: Determining causes of operating errors and deciding what to do about it.
– Customer and Personal Service: Knowledge of principles and processes of providing excellent customer service.
Tools Required: Tool belt, tape measure, framing hammer, finish hammer, speed square, utility knife, five in one screwdriver, mini level, small flat pry bar, cat's paw and siding snips. Must also have reliable transportation.
Please be prepared to do a skill assessment after the first interview.


If you are a beer lover and are thinking of brewing your stuff at home, you will need a home beer brewing kit. The Mr. Beer Premium Gold Edition is a great place to get started. Here you must remember that although getting the brewing kit is easy, the entire process of brewing may take some time. Moreover, while you can taste your cooked food before you serve, you cannot do so with beer as it needs its time and conditions before the perfect brew is ready. In addition, the home brewed beer does not have the depth of flavor as in the case of ready-made beer available in the market.
There are different types of home beer brewing kits available. These kits have more or less similar features when it comes to brewing beer. However, you can check for the ease of use and maintenance of these kits when looking to buy one for your home.
Nevertheless, choosing the right home brewing kit is always a difficult task, especially if you are a beginner. You don't have to worry though as we done a lot of research for you and thus we will be reviewing one of the best home beer brewing kits available on the market, the Mr. Beer Premium Gold Craft Beer Making Kit. It is one of the best beer making kits on the market and we will discuss everything you need to know about this kit below.
If you want to buy a brewing kit that's worth your money, check out the Mr. Beer Premium Gold Edition 2 Gallon Home-brewing Craft Beer Making Kit, which is one of the bestselling kits both online and in stores.
This inexpensive home brewing craft beer making kit is made of high-quality materials that will let you enjoy brewing and drinking your own crafted beer at home. It can yield 2 gallons or 16 pints of beer, which is enough for your own indulgence or to share with a friend or two.
It is easy to use and bring just about anywhere since it is small and lightweight. Aside from this, it is also durable enough to last a long time since it is shatterproof. The included keg fermenter resembles the traditional brewing equipment most professionals use. Moreover, it includes two brewing extracts so you can brew two batches of beer, giving you 4 gallons of rich-tasting craft beer.
Of course, you are going to need to bottle your beer. That's why the package includes 11 25-ounce shatterproof bottles. Lastly, it also includes carbonation drops and brewing yeast, making your brewing experience more flexible. You will almost feel like you're a pro. Kits may also include refill flavors which could be Aztec Mexican Cerveza, Czech Pilsner or American Lager refill.
Home brewing equipment can sometimes be so big that it's hard to set up. This won't be a problem with the Mr. Beer Premium Gold Edition Craft Beer Making Kit as it is compact and very handy. As well as being small and affordable, this amazing home brewing kit has everything it takes to be tagged as the best of its kind, especially for beginners.
The manufacturer is known for creating lightweight and durable fermenter kegs. In fact, the keg included in this kit is really shatterproof as it is made from FDA-approved plastic. Even if you use it repeatedly, it will not harm or influence the flavor of your beer. And though it can only craft up to 2 gallons, rest assured that it can produce rich-tasting craft beer.
After brewing you cannot just leave the keg unclean. Luckily, the package includes a cleaning kit with a No-Rinse Cleanser. And because the kit is designed for beginners, the manufacturer has included an instructional DVD. You can watch and follow the basic processes that are explained in detail.
Despite being very popular in both online and offline stores, this kit could still be improved. Some buyers argue that the equipment is not that good for brewing. In other words, you cannot really replicate the exact taste of your favorite craft beer unless you know exactly how it is made.
Some buyers also warn that you have to store the kit at the right temperature to get the best results. There are also cases when the beer becomes undrinkable because it has lost carbonation.
Overall, this cheap home brewing kit offers good value for money. It comes with a variety of ingredients and equipment that beginner brewers will find very useful. It is also easy to use, allowing anyone to brew beer so long as they follow the instructions. Despite a few drawbacks, this brand has surely proven that they are a great choice.


text:
Park Stories
Scientist Profile: Dr. Sarah Allen, Marine Ecologist and Science Program Lead
Maritte O'Gallagher
Dr. Allen may spend less time out collecting data these days, but she still loves any opportunity for fieldwork that she gets. "My heart wants to be outside," she says.
Dr. Sarah Allen's research on seabirds and marine mammals has brought her as far as Antarctica, but most of her career has been as a science advisor to the National Park Service. Sarah currently works as a research coordinator for the entire Pacific West region of the National Park Service, matching promising, early-career scientists in the UC system with park science needs. She received her Ph.D. from the University of California, Berkeley at a time when few women were pursuing advanced degrees in the sciences, and has authored over 100 publications.
Sarah is passionate about using science to inform the public and guide land management decisions, particularly as concerns about our changing environment continue to emerge. Her work has addressed a wide range of important resource issues. We celebrate Sarah and her accomplishments!
The Spark of an Impactful Career in Conservation Biology
"My interest started as a child. When we spend time in nature as children, it's easy to be in awe of what we see; to feel the wonder of it all. My focus was the marine system, especially birds and mammals. I was lucky in that I had mentors that encouraged me and showed me how to make my interest into a career (One of Sarah's mentors was Starker Leopold, son of conservationist Aldo Leopold.) Now I want to give back to the next generation. I put all of my energy into creating clear pathways for them to pursue science."
Her work now: Connecting Academic Scientists to National Parks
"These days, I'm doing more coordination of research in the parks rather than conducting research myself. I look for opportunities to elevate the availability of science for the region, and leverage scientists in the UC system to come and work in National Parks. If a park has a need, I help them work through the university pathways to fill that need with the right scientist."
"I began my career with the National Parks in 1993, just as the long-term scientific monitoring program was getting started, and before it was funded. I became a wildlife biologist for Point Reyes National Seashore in 1995, switched to a park science advisor role, and was eventually also assigned as the acting San Francisco Bay Area Network Inventory & Monitoring program coordinator. Soon after, I had the opportunity to spend two winter field seasons in Antarctica."
Lessons from Studying Penguins in Antarctica
"My previous experience using radio telemetry and GIS helped me land a spot on a research team lead by a colleague on a National Science Foundation grant. I took a leave of absence from the park service and spent a couple of months in Antarctica, mostly in a tent near the penguin colonies.
"Penguins are like a bellwether of changing climate because they are closely linked to pack-ice. At the time there was an iceberg that had broken loose, and it appeared that their foraging was changing in response to this event and the changing climate. We were looking at the penguins not just to study penguins, but to learn about the arctic ecosystem as a whole and how it might be changing.
"The scale of Antarctica helped me realize that I was a 'sesame seed on the rye bread of life': I saw how small humans are on the larger landscape. But we have a big footprint. As conservationists, we look at how that footprint is manifested. We look at multiple things to see how they tell a story.
"There was more than 40 years of monitoring data for those penguins. That data eventually played a role in the creation of a Marine Protected Area for the Ross Sea, one of the last seas on Earth that remains relatively unaffected by human activities.
"To me, those developments demonstrated how powerful long-term data sets can be for informing policy and conservation. My experiences in Antarctica energized me to advance long-term monitoring back at home in the Bay Area. I worked with the national office to get the Inventory and Monitoring program up and running. It was a team effort: I was just one cog in the wheel. By 1999, funding was approved."
On the Intersection between People and Conservation Science
"Our mission to preserve and protect these resources for future generations puts us in a position where we are always on the edge: promoting conservation and also recreation can be challenging.
"The purpose of science is seeking the truth of how things function. But our knowledge of things is a process of understanding. It's always evolving; it's never fixed. What we know now is so much more advanced than what we knew even just five years ago. High school students are learning about DNA analysis. What will that be in 20 years? It's hard to imagine. All we can do is provide the best science that we have now."
Narrative adapted from an interview by Maritte O'Gallagher, April 2019.
Maritte O'Gallagher started as a Science Communications Intern for the National Park Service in October 2017 and is now a Science Communications Assistant for the Parks Conservancy.
Plight of the Pinnipeds: El Niño and Suffering Seals and Sea Lions
Park E-Ventures Article
Allen Fish: A Very Birdy 30 Years at GGRO
GGRO Marks Key Moment in Conservation Biology

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


Dunmore, PA - The PSU Scranton Men's and Women's Basketball teams will not be hitting the road today to kick off their 2018 PSUAC scheduled match ups against Penn State Beaver and Greater Allegheny. The forecast, calling for flash floods, heavy rains and freezing roads will potentially cause unsafe travel conditions as much of the state is already under a winter storm warning.
Changes have been made to both the teams schedules because of the cancellations this weekend. Penn State Scranton Lions and Lady Lions will now travel to PSU Beaver and Greater Allegheny on February 9 and 10. Friday, February 9 the teams will see PSU Beaver with games at 6 pm and 8 pm and Saturday, February 10 they will meet PSU Greater Allegheny for games at 1 pm and 3 pm. The conference match-up against local PSU Wilkes Barre will now be moved from February 9, 2018 to this Wednesday, January 17, 2018 at PSU Wilkes Barre with games at 6 pm and 8 pm.
After this weekends cancelations the Lions will now have more time to prepare for upcoming Penn State Lehigh Valley who they host this Monday, January 15 at 6 pm for the women and 8 pm for the men. Classes will not be in session Monday in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. day but the gym will be open at 5 pm for arrival of fans.
For complete schedules check out the schedule tab on the web site.


update: you can also use PyTorch for the homeworks, if you already know it. It won't be taught in the course, though.
Aurélien Géron, "Hands-On Machine Learning with Scikit-Learn and TensorFlow", O'Reilly 2018, also available at the IST Library. And the corresponding github page with ipython notebooks.
Recent years have seen a revival of artificial neural networks for machine learning and data analysis under the name of "Deep Learning". Tensorflow is one of the leading programming environments for deep learning models. The course will start by giving an introduction into the current state of deep learning. Afterwards, participants will introduce different models in seminar-like talks. A large part of the course will be hands-on homework, where participants implement the described models and apply them to real data.
good Python/NumPy skills: the course will not refresh this. Just IST's "Intro to Python" will not be enough. Other programming languages are not possible.
Results: padillamontani 97.6, Lars_Bollmann 97.3, Lechner 97.3, Vyacheslav_Li 95.9.


Get an overview of all MEOC programs, services and the enrollment process in person at one of our program-specific Admissions Sessions at either 10:00 a.m. or 6:00 p.m.
All Admissions Sessions are held at the Manhattan Educational Opportunity Center (MEOC) at 163 West 125th Street, 15th floor, Room 1522, New York, NY 10027. The MEOC is located between Lenox Avenue and Adam Clayton Powell, Jr. Blvd.
A photo ID is required to gain access into the Adam Clayton Powell, Jr. State Office building.
Please feel free to contact us at (212) 961-3231 or admissions@man.eoc.cuny.edu.