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Blog To Book: Brutally Honest Fast Food Reviews: The Best and Worst of Burger King, McDonald's, Taco Bell, and Other Drive-Thru Mainstays

Introduction

I.

Introduction
Congratulations!

You have purchased an ebook filled with fast food reviews. If you are a dietician, you probably bought this book by mistake. No backsies! However, if you're a connoisseur of fast food, consider this to be your fast food yearbook, allowing you to look back at many of the salty, fatty, and/or sugary menu items you may have passed through your digestive system, but in a non-artery clogging and non-blood pressure raising way...unless you're eating fast food while reading this.

There are dozens of reviews in this book, mostly from fast food behemoths, like McDonald's, Subway, and Taco Bell, but there are also reviews from medium-sized fast food chains, like Jack in the Box and Dunkin' Donuts, and from smaller chains, like Carl's Jr. and Whataburger. Most of the products reviewed can still be found on fast food menu boards, or in the McDonald's McRib's case it comes back every so often for a limited time, but some are buried in the discontinued fast food graveyard, never to be consumed again.

These fast food reviews were originally posted on our blog, The Impulsive Buy (theimpulsivebuy.com), which is one of the internet's premier websites for junk and fast food reviews. Actually, we're not 100 percent sure the last part of the previous sentence is true, but our cumulative blood pressure and cholesterol levels make us feel like we are.

So who are we?

Well, we're just a bunch of regular folks with semi-decent grammar who have the ability to eat fast food, get sleepy from eating fast food, and wake up from our fast food-induced comas to write about what we just ate. Our writing style is a bit different than other review blogs because we want our reviews to not only educate, but to also entertain. Of course, what we define as entertaining might be different than your definition, so let us put it this way: If The Impulsive Buy was a movie, the Motion Picture Association of America would give us a PG-13 or R rating for a little profanity, some sexual situations, and occasional drug use references.

The Impulsive Buy has been named a Yahoo! Site of the Day and has been mentioned in Marie Claire and Buffalo Spree magazines. It was also named one of the Top 100 Undiscovered Websites of 2008 by PC Magazine and one of their Favorite Blogs of 2008.

We hope you find this ebook useful and entertaining. If you are a dietician who accidentally purchased this book, we've included nutrition facts for almost every item, so it might not be a total loss for you.

Enjoy!

Marvo

Editor-in-chief

The Impulsive Buy

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McDonald's

II.

McDonald's

## McDonald's Chicken McBites

Peer pressure is a bitch. When I was fourteen, I had my most memorable bout with peer pressure when my friends and I took turns jumping off a bridge. You heard me right. You know that old-as-dirt, parental warning: "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?"

Well, that bridge is real, dear reader. And it was quite clear to me at the time that the answer was: YES.

There was a creek that ran through the town where I grew up, and at certain points throughout there were little footbridges. One particular bridge was about seven feet off the ground, and one day, my pals decided they would try to jump off and land on the level surface just on the edge of the creek. I was hesitant to do it since the ground was pretty muddy, and I was more than a little scared to sully my brand new jeans and awesome TLC CrazySexyCool t-shirt. You can probably see where this is going. I took a flying leap off the edge.

Long story short, the lovely ladies of TLC were soon covered in a slick of grime, dead leaves and any number of biological specimens dredged up from the creek bed. I should've heeded T-Boz's warning to stick to the rivers and the lakes I was used to instead of careening like a howler monkey into certain doom. Now, I would have to go home covered in dreck and confess my bad deeds, so I was up shit creek. Literally. But like I said . . . peer pressure is a bitch. It can make you do things you really don't need to do . . . and most importantly, probably _shouldn't_ do.

It is now evident that McDonald's has also fallen victim to the sway of their fast food peers by introducing Chicken McBites. What KFC, Chick-Fil-A, Popeye's, Sonic, and even Arby's have already accomplished years ago, McDonald's now feels it must also do in order to prove it isn't... (waaaaait for it) _chicken_. We all know that McDonald's is no stranger to fried poultry, and that they are certainly capable of producing their own version of popcorn chicken. It just feels a bit like overkill when you already have McNuggets and Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips. Why would customers want smaller pieces of chicken with less meat in them? It doesn't make any sense. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The presentation of the Chicken McBites is on point. Chicken McBites arrive hot and fresh in a very cute and well-designed paperboard container with a built-in sauce cup holder that folds back from the lid. The sauce cup holder is very clever and handy, but make sure you don't ask for honey with your McBites like I did. The holder is not constructed to hold the shallow honey container and appears designed to grip larger dips like Sweet n' Sour and BBQ Sauce. Order honey, and you'll be unwittingly setting up a very cute and well-designed honey catapult.

Given that popcorn chicken is high in fat and calories and sodium, all the bad things that go against nature and your better judgment, McDonald's has decided to offer Chicken McBites in three different sizes, so you can make the "best" worst choice possible. They sell a 4-ounce "Snack" size, a 6-ounce "Regular" size, and a 12-ounce "Shareable" size. The fact that the largest size is called "Shareable Size" is interesting. This must be McDonald's way of saying "Don't eat the whole thing by yourself, Fatass." Each size is sold individually, ranging from $1.99 to $4.99.

I ordered the Regular size and quickly discovered that the McBites themselves also varied in size. There were big ones and small ones. There were microscopic McBites (which could barely be called "McBites" in the first place because something that McSmall hardly required McChewing) and gargantuan McBites (that were clearly two McBites stuck together).

Like most popcorn chicken, the McBites were chewy and crispy on the outside with very generous breading. The breading was seasoned with spices that added the tiniest amount of heat. What the spices were, I do not know. The McDonald's website says that McBites consist of "chicken breast meat" with a "savory home-style breading," so I guess those spices can be found at home, y'all!

But let's talk about the meat-to-breading ratio. There were scanty amounts of "breast meat" here, folks. I understand it is popcorn chicken and that popcorn chicken is mostly flour, but this was really just fried, spicy flour with a slight, somewhat chicken-flavored filling. This is what McDonald's _–_ the #2 Fast Food chain in the world _–_ came up with when faced with the possibility that they'd be excluded from the popcorn chicken game? Coming in second to Subway makes them want to go out and make fried, barely-meaty chicken chunks? They just had to do something, even if that something wasn't their best effort. Did McDonald's even _have_ to pretend they cared about popcorn chicken?

Chicken McBites are not yet available everywhere, but they will be soon. They're not as good as McNuggets or the Premium Chicken Strips, but they do come in several sizes. So they've got that going for them. I know McDonald's will consistently try to impress with new additions to its menu that mirror what their peers have tried before, even if it the food doesn't turn out the best . . . even if their efforts result in disaster. Someone somewhere will look at the yucky, messy results and respect that McDonald's did it; that they tried.

  * **Item:** Chicken McBites
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Regular size (6 ounces) _–_ 470 calories, 28 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 22 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.99
  * **Size:** Regular size
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** TLC's Waterfalls. Fried poultry. Adorable packaging. Nice, affordable prices for all three sizes. Yummy home-style seasoning. Comes with a sauce cup holder.
  * **Cons:** Peer pressure. Scanty amount of meat in each McBite. Honey catapults. Creek bed filth. Deigning to care about popcorn chicken.
  * **Other McDonald's Chicken McBites reviews:**

  * An Immovable Feast
  * Grub Grade
  * Fast Food Geek

## McDonald's Hot Habanero Sauce

Hey! McDonald's Hot Mustard Sauce! This is not what it looks like. I know it looks like I'm having an affair with your sister, McDonald's Hot Habanero Sauce, but I assure you what you see before you is just an accident.

Yes, I can explain why Hot Habanero Sauce is all over my McNuggets. Um . . . Well, we saw each other and wanted to give each other a hug but while we were walking towards each other, she tripped and her top came off. When I noticed she tripped, I ran to her to try and catch her, but I also tripped and my McNuggets fell out. Since we were falling towards each other, she accidentally ended up on my McNuggets.

Why would I cheat on you, Hot Mustard Sauce? We've been together for decades and you know I love you.

Okay. Okay. So I've cheated on you a few times before. But I didn't leave you for any of them, so they meant nothing to me. I'm sure if we add it up we'll find I've been loyal to you 99.5-percent of the time. And if you round that up, it's 100-percent.

Do I think Hot Habanero Sauce is hotter than you? Sure, she's a six or seven, while you're a two or three, but you're older, and you know what they say, "The older the berry, the sweeter the juice." Hey. Hey. Don't cry. I mean, you're hot too, but in a different way.

Oh, I can't lie to you anymore, Hot Mustard Sauce. All right . . . You got me! I was cheating on you with Hot Habanero Sauce. But in my defense, I couldn't help myself because she's younger, hotter, creamier, and I have a thing for redheads. She even has freckles. Freckles drive me wild!

But after trying the McDonald's Hot Habanero Sauce, I realized that you're still the one that I love to touch. Still the one and I can't get enough. We're still having fun, and you're still the one.

Yes, I just recited song lyrics. I'm sorry.

Did I enjoy myself with Hot Habanero Sauce? Um, it was fun spending time with her and she's definitely the hottest item McDonald's has ever released. She didn't make me cry, like other habanero products I've tried, but after getting through the first container, she made me sweat a little, my nose a little runny, and suggested I drink some soda. I don't want to experience that every time with my McNuggets, even though she's quite tasty and a little tangy. But I guess she should be tasty since she's your sister.

Please don't leave me, Hot Mustard Sauce. I love you and I promise I'll never put anything else on my McNuggets ever again.

Psst. Hot Habanero Sauce. Call me.

  * **Item:** McDonald's Hot Habanero Sauce
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Not available on McDonald's website.
  * **Price:** Free with McNuggets meal
  * **Size:** 0.78 ounces
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Really good flavor. Younger and hotter than Hot Mustard Sauce. Hottest item McDonald's has released. Good balance of flavor and heat. Hot Mustard Sauce is hot too, but in a totally different way.
  * **Cons:** Cheating on Hot Mustard Sauce . . . again. Reciting song lyrics when you don't know what to say after getting caught cheating. Might not be hot enough for some heat heads.
  * **Other McDonald's Hot Habanero Sauce reviews:**

  * An Immovable Feast

## McDonald's McCafé Frappé Chocolate Chip

For these armpit sweat staining months, McDonald's has introduced their blended McCafe Frappé Chocolate Chip, which is pretty much a McDonald's Frappé Caramel combined with a McDonald's Frappé Mocha and chocolate chips.

Oh, I didn't break it down enough for you?

Well then, here you go: The Frappé Chocolate Chip is made up of ice, a caramel coffee frappé base, a mocha coffee frappé base, and chocolate chips topped with whipped cream and caramel and chocolate drizzles.

Oh, you want it broken down even more, food nerd?

Well, swallow this long list of ingredients in no particular order: ice, sugar, milk, high fructose corn syrup, natural (botanical source) and artificial flavors, mono- and diglycerides, guar gum, potassium citrate, disodium phosphate, carrageenan, carob bean gum, cocoa (processed with alkali), red 40, yellow 5, blue 1, nonfat milk, corn syrup, polysorbate 80, beta carotene, natural (dairy and vegetable source) and artificial flavor, mixed tocopherols, coffee extract, whipping propellant (nitrous oxide), semi-sweet chocolate, sweetened condensed milk, butter, salt, pectin, artificial flavor (vanillin, ethyl vanillin), caramel color (with sulfites), potassium sorbate (preservative), dextrose, water, glycerin, hydrogenated coconut oil, food starch-modified, cream, natural (plant source) and artificial flavor, gellan gum, potassium sorbate (preservative).

Happy now?

Although I'm as much of a fan of McDonald's original Mocha and Caramel Frappés as I am of filling coworkers cubicles with balloons while they're on vacation, I can't say the same about the chocolate chip version.

Look, the Frappé Chocolate Chip is well-blended, sweet, and refreshing, if you find yourself in temperatures higher than 85-degrees Fahrenheit, but the chocolate chips do two things that make this Frappé less appealing to me. One, they don't help give the blended beverage a strong chocolate flavor to go along with the caramel flavor. The sweet caramel definitely wears the pants in the relationship. Two, they give the Frappé a weird texture.

If you're one of those people who likes to crush the fine granules of ice between their molars, even though admitting so to your dentist would get you a proper verbal lashing about teeth enamel, sadly, the blended chocolate chips dampens the ice crushing, making it less satisfying for those of us who like to weaken our tooth enamel and pay for it later with dentists sticking drills into our mouths and filling the holes they made with metal or resin. But most of you probably don't have the strange oral fixation of crushing ice with your teeth, so this issue won't bother you.

Oh, but I do have good news if you're one of those people who hates the taste of coffee, but wants a coffee drink. If that describes you, this Frappé is for you. Much like coffee being hard to find in the long paragraph of ingredients above, the coffee flavor in this Frappé is hard to taste. The chocolate, caramel, sugar, and cream hides the coffee as if it's a flavor burka.

The McDonald's McCafé Frappé Chocolate Chip isn't anything to get too excited about, unless you've just walked through 100-degree temperatures and are looking for anything to help cool you down.

  * **Item:** McDonald's McCafé Frappé Chocolate Chip
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Small Size/12 ounces – 530 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 74 grams of carbohydrates, 66 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 7 grams of protein.
  * **Purchased Price:** $2.99
  * **Size:** Small/12 ounces
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** If you love coffee drinks, but hate the flavor of coffee, this is for you. Awesome if you love drizzles. Cool. Refreshing. Well blended.
  * **Cons:** Caramel wears the pants in this relationship. Will be sweet to some. Chocolate chips get in the way for us ice chewers. Summer heat. Weakened tooth enamel.
  * **Other McDonald's McCafé Frappé Chocolate Chip reviews:**

  * Brand Eating

## McDonald's Spicy Chicken McBites

If I were to ever start a food fight in a McDonald's, which I've thought about many times in order to make the daily McDonald's visit for the senior citizens that surround me a little more fun, I would arm myself with these McDonald's Spicy Chicken McBites (or the regular ones, whichever were available).

Why would I choose to stock up on Chicken McBites?

If I understood physics, I could give you a detailed, equation-filled explanation about why Chicken McBites would be the best McDonald's menu item to have in a food fight, but since I have horrible mathematical and scientific abilities that would make any Asian with perfect SAT scores shake their head in disapproval, all I can say is: Chicken McBites is good in food fight. Easy to throw. Easy to throw far. Easy to throw straight.

Now some of you might be thinking a Big Mac would be the best McDonald's menu item in food fight because after you throw it, the sandwich splits apart and turns into a fast food buckshot, spreading two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun everywhere. However, the beef patties and sesame seed bun aren't very aerodynamic. Also, there's only one Big Mac per box. With a snack size Spicy Chicken McBites there are anywhere from ten to 18 pieces you can fling at others, and with the sauces you can stain their clothes in a variety of colors.

Yes, I have put much thought into which McDonald's items would be good in a food fight. Avoid the salads.

I don't know if my eyes were deceiving me, but the Spicy Chicken McBites looked like they had a red tint to them, which made them appear a little ominous. The breading wasn't light and crispy, instead it was more of a dense crunch, which I liked. The chicken inside the bigger pieces were tender, but a bit on the dry side. But, that's par for the course when it comes to McDonald's chicken.

The heat wasn't too noticeable when I popped the first Spicy Chicken McBite in my mouth, but as I went through the box, the spiciness built up to a mild heat. There wasn't any additional flavor with that spiciness. I thought they tasted like regular Chicken McBites.

However, just like McDonald's other dippable chicken products, its flavor is all about the sauce. I didn't ask for any of the spicy sauces, like Hot Mustard or Hot Habanero, because I thought they would overwhelm the spiciness of the McBites. Instead, I went with Sweet 'N Sour, which I thought complemented the spiciness well. I also tried it with Tangy Barbecue, which was decent, but not as tasty.

The Spicy Chicken McBites are tasty, but the thing about them, actually Chicken McBites in general, is that when you get a box it's either hit or miss, there's no consistency with it. I've tried the snack-sized spicy and regular versions several times and, as I mentioned earlier, the number of pieces I got in each box has varied, and the same can be said about the size of the pieces. If you look at the photo above, you'll see a lot of big meaty pieces, but when I bought another box, more than half the pieces I got were small and mostly breading.

I know part of the appeal of popcorn chicken is having those pieces that are pretty much just breading, but I feel a little ripped off when I purchase a box that's mostly breading when the previous box wasn't.

Sure, those smaller pieces of breading are firmer, making them ideal for inflicting a little pain during a food fight. However, I'd rather have more pieces with chicken in them just in case I want to eat them instead.

  * **Item:** McDonald's Spicy Chicken McBites
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Snack Size – 270 calories, 17 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, and 14 grams of protein.
  * **Purchased Price:** $2.99*
  * **Size:** Snack size
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Surprisingly decent spiciness. Awesome ammunition to have in a food fight. Goes great with Sweet 'N Sauce. Tender chicken. Comes in a variety of sizes. Dense breading has a nice crunchiness. Easy to throw. Easy to throw far. Easy to throw straight.
  * **Cons:** Tastes like regular Chicken McBites. Inconsistent meaty piece/breading piece ratio. Slightly dry chicken. Red tint makes them look a little ominous. Available for a limited time. *Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the price I paid might be higher than what you'll pay.
  * **Other McDonald's Spicy Chicken McBites reviews:**

  * An Immoveable Feast
  * Grub Grade

## McDonald's S'mores Pie

Something tells me Ronald McDonald and his bakers are getting bored. Like a child in trouble, flinging every excuse to see what sticks to the wall, this seems to be McDonald's course of action in regards to pies. I would kill for some of their international savory flavors such as tuna. And I love taro puffs when I rock out with dim sum (I'm channeling my inner Guy Fieri), so a taro pie sounds right up my alley, but those are not available in Florida. Until then, I will have to settle for S'mores.

You know that old saying, don't judge a book by its cover? S'mores Pie is a limited edition re-release from McDonald's and is a primary example of that very line. The pie is unsettling to look at because the visible chocolate from the open cut in the dough looks like a shiny poopie. It resembles the offspring from one of those delectable black and white cookies and a Pop-Tart.

I'm a sucker for McDonald's pies and the flavors seem logical enough. Who doesn't enjoy a S'more? It's chocolate and toasted marshmallow. I always felt the graham cracker was the star of this campfire snack. With its slight (to me anyhow) hint of salt and cinnamon tones, those graham crackers were one of my earliest introductions to complex tastes.

I remember eating them out of the box watching reruns of Zoobilee Zoo, trying to figure out why I liked these so much and if it was weird I had a crush on that pink kangaroo lady. With McDonald's offering a pie with a graham cracker crust, that was enough of a pitch for me. As stated before, the appearance was a bit disturbing and instinctively off-putting, so I glanced at it with a cautionary eye and hoped for the best.

However, the aroma emanating from the bag evoked memories of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies from the kitchen oven (or in my case, it reminded me of walking past The Great American Cookie as I entered the mall's food court because Mom only baked sadness brownies and displaced anger cakes). The pleasant rich scent enveloped me and it only intensified in the car as the windows were up.

The pie was indeed warm which is just as important as the tangible ingredients making up this creation. I pulled into an empty space in the parking lot because I was afraid that I could not fully appreciate what Ronald offered me if it cooled off. I shimmied my blazer off and loosened my stock Van Heusen tie.

Buttery, dense and mercifully not too sweet, the chocolate fell closer to a dark one than a milk-chocolate which was good. I was surprised by the thickness of the marshmallow filling. It was not as light or fluffy as I thought it would be and creamier than I assumed. It was nice and I think there were some vanilla flavors from the marshmallow. It reminded me of scooping out a spoonful of Fluff from the jar. Combined, the chocolate and marshmallow almost had the sweet and savory team-up we all love so much.

Sadly, the appearance was not the only detractor. The graham cracker crust provided another negative point (not as bad as the humiliation tarts my Mom would bake). The dough was a bit too thick for my preference and worst, it was like a boring brown sugar cookie rather than a graham cracker. None of the characteristics unique to a graham cracker were present.

Pies are akin to a good marriage. At the risk of sounding something of a Lifetime Channel movie plot, both people need to cooperate and work to make that relationship successful. The same is with the filling and crust of a pie. They need to be in perfect harmony or it falls apart and unfortunately.

The dough did me in. That's too bad, really. The pie is worth a one-time try for the delicious synthesis of its dense chocolate and marshmallow insides. As I sheepishly wiped the crumbs off my seat, I just felt the crust was awful enough to bring the entire thing down. The crust didn't enhance the flavors and, even worse, it made me pine for one of those feelings of inadequacy cookies my Mom would force us to eat.

  * **Item:** McDonald's S'mores Pie
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 290 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 210 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugars, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 3 grams of protein.
  * **Purchased Price:** 75 cents
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** The chocolate is rich and dense. The chocolate and marshmallow combined is tasty. Memories of fresh baked goods. A warm pie, what's not to love? Zoobilee Zoo.
  * **Cons:** The crust is thick and sad. Memories of fresh baked goods that originate from the food court in the mall. Not being able to buy a McDonald's tuna pie here. Ben Vereen in Zoobilee Zoo always appeared annoyed.
  * **Other McDonald's S'mores Pie reviews:**

  * Foodette Reviews
  * Snackor
  * Brand Eating

## McDonald's Dollar Menu

To celebrate McDonald's 50th anniversary, I decided to review a McDonald's product for today. Unfortunately, they don't have anything new out, so instead I decided to order everything on the McDonald's Dollar Menu and try to eat it all in one sitting.

Yeah! Eat your heart out, Morgan Spurlock. Oh wait, you would probably eat your heart out. After all, you did eat 30 straight days of nothing but McDonald's food.

For those of you who are smart enough to avoid McDonald's food, the Dollar Menu is a menu of items that cost only a dollar, but being that you're smart enough to avoid McDonald's food, you probably knew that already.

The eight items on the Dollar Menu are:

  1. double cheeseburger
  2. McChicken sandwich
  3. small fries
  4. small drink
  5. hot fudge sundae
  6. fruit 'n yogurt parfait
  7. two apple pies
  8. a side salad

Eating everything on the Dollar Menu may not seem that bad, but consuming 2,455 calories, 107 grams of fat, 175 milligrams of cholesterol, 3,115 milligrams of sodium, 309 grams of carbs, and 152 grams of sugar can't be a good thing, like being an 8-year old boy in a room with Michael Jackson.

This wasn't Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich dangerous, it was Hardee's Monster Thickburger dangerous.

As I waited in line at McDonald's, I thought about the consequences of what I was about to do. I could increase my cholesterol count, have high blood pressure, gain a few pounds, or have really bad gas. After realizing this, I thought about walking out of the line and scheduling an appointment with my doctor to see if my body could handle this, or at least, pick up some Beano.

However, I said to myself, "Balls to the wall."

Then I wondered if that saying even existed, but eventually shrugged it off and ordered my food.

I came away with five McDonald's bags and as I drove away I wondered if it would've been safer for me to eat in the restaurant, just in case something happens. Oh, how I wish I had a medical alarm bracelet. "Help I've eaten three times the amount of McDonald's food in one sitting than I should and I can't get up because of my fat ass."

When I got home and laid the food out on the table, a serious problem arose. Which food item should I start with? With eight food items there were eight way I could start, or as I decided to call it, eight ways to possibly get diabetes.

Since the hot fudge sundae was almost melted, I decided to start there. Oh, how I love the hot fudge sundae. Oh, how I wish I had a girlfriend to lick it off of. Oh, how I wish I didn't sound like such a kinky freak.

I followed that with the not-so-fresh looking side salad, which could've been the healthiest item on the Dollar Menu if it weren't for the creamy Caesar dressing I added. It's sort of like eating a tub of ice cream while working out on your BowFlex or adding crack (pharmaceutical or anatomical) to your Kellogg's Cracklin' Oat Bran cereal.

The double cheeseburger and small fries were next, which was probably the best and least healthiest parts of the feast. I followed that with one of the baked-but-looks-fried apple pies. By this point, I was full, but took a few deep breaths and put my balls to the wall, finishing the fruit 'n yogurt parfait, McChicken sandwich, and small soda.

After that barrage of food, all that was left was the other apple pie, but my spider-sense told me that I should leave the apple pie alone for now. However, six hours later, that apple pie became my dinner. It was the only thing I had for dinner.

It's been over 24 hours since my Dollar Menu feast and I feel fine. However, yesterday after consuming everything, I felt extremely sluggish for the rest of the day and just lounged around the house. But at least I now know what it's like to be Kevin Federline, except without the boinking Britney Spears part.

So what would I do differently next time? I definitely won't try to eat the entire McDonald's Dollar Menu in one sitting. Eating that much food on a regular basis could turn me into one of those 500-pound freaks who sit on the couch all day, have other people wipe their ass, and need a whole wall ripped out in order for them to be taken to a hospital.

Also, I really wished I had bought some Beano.

So what have I learned? Nothing new, but this experience has made me swear off fast food . . . for a few weeks or when someone builds a Hardee's here, whichever comes first.

  * **Item:** McDonald's Dollar Menu
  * **Purchase Price:** $8.00
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Cheap eats, if bought individually. I'm still alive. Hot fudge sundae. Double cheeseburger. Small fries.
  * **Cons:** Expensive if bought all together. Same nutritional values as a Hardee's Monster Thickburger sandwich. Too much food. Fruit 'n yogurt parfait. Side salad. Couldn't finish it all. Experienced what it's like to be Kevin Federline. Really bad gas.

## McDonald's McCafe Cherry Berry Chiller

McDonald's has always helped customers beat the heat during the summer months. For example, they've always filled three-fourths of their soft drink cups with ice before they add any beverage. If that's not the definition of generous, then I don't know what is.

This time last year McDonald's rolled out their frozen strawberry lemonade to help cool us down. This year, the Golden Arches have a new frozen beverage, the Cherry Berry Chiller.

Rhyming AND alliteration? That's a good start in my book.

The Cherry Berry Chiller, which sounds like something Care Bears would drink to keep cool in Care-a-lot and the Forest of Feelings, is made by blending ice with 100 percent fruit juice. Think of it as a 7-Eleven Slurpee for adults. Oh wait, I forgot, margaritas are Slurpees for adults. Okay, think of it as a better-for-you Slurpee.

At this point, I would like to say I really love the blenders at McDonald's. They do an awesome job of crushing ice into fine crystals that I enjoy crushing even more between my teeth. I wish my $30 off-the-shelf blender from Target could do a comparable job.

The Cherry Berry Chiller uses cherry and raspberry juice, but I could taste other fruits, like a little bit of grape. (The ingredients list also includes apple juice concentrate.) Thanks to my stereotype of cherries, my mouth expected a very tart beverage, but instead it had a very mild tartness. The cherry stands out at the beginning of each slurp and the raspberry becomes more noticeable towards the end, but in between, there's a good balance of cherry and raspberry. The combination tastes like a slightly watered down POM Wonderful pomegranate juice. While I have enjoyed McDonald's other fruity blended beverages, I have to say that the Cherry Berry Chiller is the best tasting of the bunch.

However, all is not perfect with it. Because it's pretty much just fruit juice and ice, I noticed it tends to melt a bit faster than McDonald's smoothies, which has yogurt to help prevent it from turning into liquid. Also, it's a horrible source of vitamin C. Actually, according to the McDonald's website, it has no vitamin C, which is strange because cherries and raspberries are good sources of the vitamin that prevents scurvy.

Overall, I have mixed feeling about McDonald's Cherry Berry Chiller. It's sweet, damn tasty, and refreshing, but by saying it's made with 100-percent fruit juice, McDonald's is giving me the impression that there's some nutritional benefit from drinking it. But it turns out that's not really the case since it doesn't provide any vitamins, which is, you know, one of the benefits of consuming fruits.

  * **Item:** McDonald's McCafe Cherry Berry Chiller
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 22 ounces – 330 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 40 milligrams of sodium, 81 grams of carbohydrates, 81 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 4% calcium, and 2% iron.
  * **Price:** $3.99
  * **Size:** Large
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Sweet, Damn tasty. Refreshing. Pleasant tartness. Made with 100 percent fruit juice. McDonald's blenders. Rhyming. Alliteration.
  * **Cons:** Provides no vitamin C. My Care Bears knowledge. Appears to melt faster than McDonald's smoothies. Drinking too many Slurpees for adults. McDonald's being generous with the ice in their soft drink cups.

## McDonald's Cheddar Onion McChicken Sandwich

McDonald's has been coming on pretty strong lately.

I swear, it seems like every week, they've got something new on the menu. Despite whatever reservations you have about spending your hard-earned cash on food that could make you die faster if consumed in excess, one must admit that McDonald's has pulled out all the stops to keep you coming back for more, and it seems to be working. McDonald's knows you want to leave them, but they refuse to let you go.

It's like at any moment, they'll show up in their vintage convertible outside your school, beat down your best friend in a fit of jealous rage, then prison-tattoo your name on their chest right above the words "4-EVA." But don't get me wrong, I approve of their efforts so far, most have been radical and delicious. It's true that after a very long time of not setting foot inside a McDonald's, I too have been lured back by the promise of novelty and exciting new flavor sensations. Among them is the Cheddar Onion McChicken.

Sorry, Cheddar, but after sampling this new item, I can confidently say that Onion deserves top-billing, for it's clearly the star of the show. The Cheddar Onion McChicken is very similar to the other new chicken sandwich (Jalapeno Cheddar McChicken) since it's constructed with white cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a (subtly) spicy chicken patty, but it's an entirely different flavor experience. The combination of caramelized onions with the white cheddar slice creates a slightly creamy texture that, thankfully, isn't slimy. The breaded chicken patty has a wonderful crunch that complements the smoothness of the cheese and onions. Now, I'm a fan of grilled onions, so the fact that the first bite of my sandwich was bursting with onion flavor was a good thing.

The only drawback is the bland white cheddar. They had already slapped that white cheddar on the Jalapeno Cheddar McChicken, and it didn't add anything to the overall experience except gooeyness. On the Cheddar Onion McChicken, the cheese seems smoother, but it still doesn't add much in the way of flavor.

At first, the idea of pairing a breaded chicken breast with onions and cheese didn't seem all that exciting to me, but this sandwich was pretty bomb. McDonald's has figured out how to keep you locked in their strong embrace even when you know they're dangerous.

The franchise has made a bold (for them) move by trying out these jazzed-up yet affordable chicken sandwiches, and I think they did well with the Cheddar Onion McChicken. On the pleasure scale, it's no sexy rollercoaster ride, but it's better than finding your dog's severed head. Maybe we have nothing to fear after all.

  * **Item:** McDonald's Cheddar Onion McChicken sandwich
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 sandwich – 370 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 1050 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $1.49
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Carmelized onions are the bomb. Mid-90's teen thrillers starring Mark Wahlberg. Chicken patty is delightfully crispy on the outside. Sexy roller coaster rides. Costs a buck forty-nine.
  * **Cons:** Available in limited markets. Severed heads. As usual, white cheddar cheese doesn't add much in the way of flavor. Prison tattoos immortalizing your L.O.V.E.

## McDonald's Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal

I own this amazing pair of sleek, light-as-a-feather pants that changed my attitude about what pants could be. I knew that I had to buy them when the changing room attendant began to wax poetic about her own pair that was waiting for her at home after a long day at work. These pants had it all: comfort, good taste, and style. I would not be embarrassed to be seen wearing them in public, unlike other "comfortable pants" I happen to own (I'm looking at you faded high school gym sweatpants). The price was a little steep, but I knew I was making a good investment on these heavenly pants.

I recently discovered that the same could be said for McDonald's new Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal. Since it's the latest in a long line of fast food establishment oatmeal initiatives, it's certainly fashionable, and since it is only available in a few markets right now, it's something you can brag about to friends (if you're in the habit of bragging about what you ate . . . which is pretty ridiculous, so please don't.)

The Apple Cinnamon Walnut oatmeal also costs more than you'd want to pay for instant oatmeal, but you knew what you were getting into when you pulled your car into a McDonald's drive-through for breakfast, instead of boiling some water and tearing open a packet of Quaker Instant, so shut your mouth.

The oatmeal itself is pretty hearty. When you receive it, it's already filled with generous chunks of apples (different types of apples, I may add) and thickened with light cream. In fact, if it weren't for the delicious cinnamon flavor of the rolled oats and the accompanying packet of chopped walnuts you have to add in yourself, this oatmeal would be almost the same as the Fruit and Maple version, minus the dried cranberries and raisins. Even the McDonald's where I bought my Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal got confused and handed me the older variety without so much as a blink! I mean, I understand the two oatmeal varieties look sort of the same, but you'd think there would be safeguards in place! Oh, wait, never mind, this is McDonald's during the breakfast rush, not NASA. If someone's headed for a burst O-Ring it would probably be the dudes in the headsets who don't make eighty grand.

The Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal is warm, filling and tasty, but the only thing that keeps it from getting a higher rating from me is the presentation. Seriously, it looks very unappetizing. When they first give it to you, the cream hasn't really seeped into the oats, so it leaves a thin, cloudy layer of liquid at the top. Not cute. You really have to stir it up a bit to give it a more natural-looking (and non-disgusting) appearance. It's confusing to the senses.

The oatmeal smells wonderful, and the container is hot and inviting, but it looks like baby food after the baby has eaten it and spit it back up. As we've already seen with the Fruit and Maple Oatmeal, it's not guaranteed that every McDonald's location will serve its oatmeal in this horrible fashion. Just be prepared to be a little frightened by the oatmeal straight off, give it a good stir and enjoy. Hopefully in some comfortable and stylish pants.

  * **Item:** McDonald's Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal
  * **Nutrition Facts** : 1 bowl – 270 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.19
  * **Size:** 1 bowl
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Oatmeal initiatives. Generous amount of apple chunks. Delicious cinnamon flavor. NASA. Heavenly pants.
  * **Cons:** Can be easily mistaken for the Fruit and Maple version by non-NASA employees. Only available in limited markets. Must mix in the chopped walnuts on your own. Oatmeal's presentation can be likened to baby vomit.
  * **Other McDonald's Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal reviews:**

  * Brand Eating
  * Serious Eats

## McDonald's McFlurry with Reese's

They say bacon makes most things better, but I believe the same can also be said of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. (See here, here, and here.)

Blending Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with soft serve ice cream to create the limited time only McDonald's McFlurry with Reese's sounds like McMagic.

By the way, McMagic is quicker and cheaper than regular magic, and if you use it too much, you'll get fat.

To be honest, I thought the McFlurry with Reese's was on McDonald's menu all this time, which I guess shows how often I eat a McFlurry. After accidentally Googling McFluffy and then correctly Googling McFlurry, I learned the McFlurry with Reese's is somewhat similar to the McRib in that it comes back every so often, people have created Facebook pages dedicated to it, and they both don't have bones.

While I don't really care for the McRib, I did enjoy the McFlurry with Reese's.

If you look at the pictures, the McFlurry is topped with what appears to be a generous heaping of crushed Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and that crushed candy gives the dessert a wonderful peanut butter and chocolate flavor. However, even after mixing the McFlurry, the bottom fourth of it had very little candy pieces, and I was left eating what was pretty much just vanilla soft serve.

Also, there's something else I noticed about the peanut butter cup bits. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups have a distinct peanut butter flavor, but I didn't quite taste it in this fast food dessert. It's as if the vanilla soft serve ice cream is a flavor vampire.

But, again, I did enjoy the McDonald's McFlurry with Reese's. It's a satisfying dessert and I definitely prefer it over another limited time only McFlurry variety – the Rolo McFlurry. I can taste why people will take the time to set up and manage a Reese's McFlurry Facebook fan page.

Now, of course, this begs the question, if people love them so much, why doesn't McDonald's permanently add the McFlurry with Reese's to their menu? Because it's not as if its availability is based on pork prices. There's a lot of soft serve ice cream and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the world.

  * **Item:** McDonald's McFlurry with Reese's
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 12 ounce cup – 610 calories, 220 calories from fat, 25 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 85 grams of carbohydrates, 77 grams of sugar, 4 grams of fiber, and 15 grams of protein
  * **Price:** $2.99
  * **Size:** 12 ounces
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Wonderful peanut butter and chocolate flavor. Satisfying dessert. Nice small bits of peanut butter cups. Decent source of fiber. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups make almost everything better. I now know what McFluffys are. No bones.
  * **Cons:** Only available for a limited time. Not a permanent menu item. Contains trans fat. Could not really taste the peanut flavor from Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Not enough crushed peanut butter cups. Performing too much McMagic.
  * **Other McDonald's McFlurry with Reese's reviews**

  * Brand Eating
  * Would I Buy It Again

## McDonald's Caramel Apple Sundae and Caramel Apple Parfait

McDonald's once used fresh apples slices for good, but with their new Caramel Apple Sundae and Caramel Apple Parfait, they've now gone over to the dark side of the Force.

I'm sorry. I should warn you that this review might be sprinkled with Star Wars references because I have both trilogies in my head thanks to Spike TV, who showed Episodes 1-6 multiple times over the Labor Day weekend. This is not the first time I got caught up in watching all the Star Wars movies on Spike.

Much like Bothans losing many lives to provide the Rebel Alliance with information about the second Death Star, I have lost many three-day weekends watching all the movies multiple times since 2008, when Spike TV started broadcasting all the films. Although, to be honest, it's not a complete waste, if you count the custom permanent butt mold in my couch that was made with all the sitting I did.

With all the Star Wars in my head right now, my dreams are a little weird. Do you know what it's like having Jar Jar Binks popup in your dreams? It's like having a car alarm go off in your head. Not even imagining gold bikini Princess Leia can help overcome that.

Wait. What was I talking about before? McDonald's Chewbacca Anakin Solo? McDonald's Calrissian Antilles Padmé? Oh, that right. McDonald's Caramel Apple Sundae and Caramel Apple Parfait.

Both desserts use the apples found in the much more wholesome Fruit and Walnut Salad and Fruit and Maple Oatmeal. The apples in both desserts are smothered with a generous serving of gooey caramel, making the apples look like they're floating in a Dagobah swamp. While the apples will keep the doctor away, the caramel might not keep the dentist away. The sundae version also includes McDonald's reduced fat soft serve ice cream, while the parfait has low fat vanilla yogurt.

The caramel is the Order 66 that turns the apples from wholesome to evil. And when I say evil, I mean really good.

Both desserts had a delicious caramel apple flavor. Although I could taste the apples more with the parfait. The crunchy apples were cut into small enough pieces that it easily allowed me to mix everything with the included spoon and, thanks to the added calcium ascorbate (calcium and vitamin C), the apples looked as golden and fresh as a recently cleaned C-3PO. As I mentioned earlier, there's a lot of caramel, but there's also enough apple chunks to ensure you get a little bit of everything in each spoonful.

Now, the thing is the caramel is the dominant flavor in both the sundae and parfait. It's dominant enough that it negates the flavors of the soft serve ice cream and vanilla yogurt. Basically, the Caramel Apple Sundae and Caramel Apple Parfait pretty much taste the same. So deciding which one to choose really depends on how much you're willing to spend or how many calories you're willing to take in. Although, the Caramel Apple Sundae's serving size looks smaller than McDonald's regular sundaes, so you should also take that into consideration.

However, whichever one you choose, you can't go wrong. The McDonald's Caramel Apple Sundae and Caramel Apple Parfait are both really good desserts.

May the Force be with you.

  * **Items:** McDonald's Caramel Apple Sundae and Caramel Apple Parfait
  * **Nutrition Facts:** (Thanks to "Impulsive Buy" reader, Lane, for letting me know about these.)

  * **Caramel Apple Sundae** \- 330 calories, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 35 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 130% vitamin C, and 20% calcium.
  * **Caramel Apple Parfait** \- 180 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 130% vitamin C, and 20% calcium.

  * **Price:** $2.29 (Caramel Apple Sundae), $1.99 (Caramel Apple Parfait)
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10 (Caramel Apple Sundae), 8 out of 10 (Caramel Apple Parfait)
  * **Pros:** Tastes like caramel apples. Lots of caramel and apple chunks. Small apple pieces made it easy to mix. Star Wars. Custom couch butt molds. Gold bikini Princess Leia. The Force.
  * **Cons:** More expensive than regular sundaes and parfait. Sundae and parfait pretty much taste the same. The Caramel Apple Sundae's serving size looks smaller than regular sundaes. Wasting a three-day weekend watching nothing but Star Wars movies multiple times. The dark side of the Force.
  * **Other McDonald's Caramel Apple Sundae and Caramel Apple Parfait reviews:**

  * On Second Scoop
  * Brand Eating

## McDonald's "New" Chicken McNuggets Sauces (Creamy Ranch, Honey Mustard, Spicy Buffalo, and Sweet Chili)

McDonald's didn't put much effort into creating their "new" Chicken McNugget sauces, because they're mostly the same dipping sauces from their Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips line. Since they're not putting much effort into their sauces, I'm not going to put much effort into this review of their sauces.

How much work am I going to put into reviewing these sauces? Significantly less than what I put into playing this McNuggets dipping sauce memory game that McDonald's is using to promote the sauces on their website.

By the way, my high score was 712 points.

For starters, to show how little effort I'm going to put into this review, I'm just going to list all the "new" flavors, but not take the time to put them in alphabetical order: Spicy Buffalo, Honey Mustard, Sweet Chili, and Creamy Ranch. Then, I'm just going to link to my Sweet Chili sauce review from last year and then not mention Sweet Chili anymore.

I'm also going to link to my my Chicken Selects review from 2004 which included my thoughts on the Spicy Buffalo sauce. Although, the sauce might've changed over the years, so I will say the "new" Spicy Buffalo sauce was tasty, spicy, and orange. It tasted like other buffalo sauces I've had, but it had a bit more kick than my beloved Hot Mustard Sauce and it was definitely my favorite of the four "new" flavors.

Geez, that was more effort than I wanted to exert for the Spicy Buffalo Sauce. I'll do better with the last two sauces.

Honey Mustard tasted like a sweet weak dijon mustard and Creamy Ranch tasted like the salad dressing you'd find in the middle of a barely-touched vegetable platter at a barbeque.

How's that for little effort?

Overall, McDonald's "new" Chicken McNuggets Sauces range from decent to good, but none of them can compete with my beloved Hot Mustard Sauce. Besides that, it's hard to get excited about sauces that we could've dipped our McNuggets into for years if we either asked nicely, paid 10 to 20 cents, or flirted with the right cashier for the McDonald's Chicken Selects sauces.

  * **Item:** McDonald's "New" Chicken McNuggets Sauces (Creamy Ranch, Honey Mustard, Spicy Buffalo, and Sweet Chili)
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Not available at McDonald's website or I didn't want to put any effort into finding out what they are.
  * **Price:** 2 free with 10 piece McNuggets; 30 cents for each extra
  * **Size:** 1 ounce
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10 (Creamy Ranch), 5 out of 10 (Honey Mustard), 7 out of 10 (Spicy Buffalo), 4 out of 10 (Sweet Chili)
  * **Pros:** More sauces for you to choose from. Spicy Buffalo had good flavor and a decent kick. Hot Mustard Sauce. Flirting with McDonald's employees to get Chicken Selects sauces.
  * **Cons:** McDonald's didn't put much effort into the "new" sauces. Sweet Chili sauce is still mediocre. Honey Mustard tasted like a sweet weak dijon mustard. McDonald's calling these sauces "new." Not putting much effort into this review.
  * **Other "New" McDonald's Chicken McNuggets Sauces reviews:**

  * Foodette Reviews

## McDonald's Jalapeno Cheddar McChicken Sandwich

For me, the smell of sliced jalapeno peppers is inextricably linked to the spring of 1996.

One evening, during the waning days of ninth grade, I had joined a small group of friends at the movie theater to catch a screening of _Down Periscope_. (Look, the first _Mission: Impossible_ movie wasn't out yet, so we were pretty hard up for national-security-related entertainment.) As magnificent as the on-screen pairing of Kelsey Grammar and Rob Schneider in a submarine promised to be, I certainly had not come for that cinematic gem. I'd shown up because it was my very first co-ed outing. There were BOYS there. Woooooo!

One boy in particular, a 15-year-old upon whom my friends and I fixated daily was in attendance, and he had a jones for some nachos that night. Being a popcorn-and-Junior-Mints girl, the concept of fast food in a movie theater was still a novelty to me, so when my crush brought his plate of nachos and cheese buried beneath a pile of jalapenos into the theater, the distinctive spicy aroma of the chopped peppers was all I could smell. It was intoxicating. He was sitting so close to me, and the fragrance of jalapenos mingled in the air with the scent of CK One and hormones.

So what does all that have to do with a chicken sandwich? Well, this particular sandwich is loaded with chopped jalapenos, and it was the magical portal through which my olfactory nerves whisked me back to that little Midwestern multiplex. At first whiff, I knew I was gonna enjoy this chicken sammich.

It's a fact that McDonald's isn't exactly a place known for its spicy foods. It's also a fact that in Southern California, it's illegal to operate a dining establishment without jalapenos somewhere on the menu. I'm sure I read that somewhere. In general, McDonald's is trying to break away from the norm and create truly unique flavor combos, and their Jalapeno Cheddar McChicken sandwich is the latest creation to make the regional rounds in California before (perhaps) breaking into other markets. I'm sure people in other states have the ability to appreciate jalapenos as much as we do. I mean, if jalapenos have been movie theater snacks for close to 20 years in the Great Plains then that should certainly be enough evidence. But here in Cali, we ride or die homies with our peppers 4 life, and McDonald's knows we don't play.

My first hint that McDonald's is really serious about their new jam was the wrapper. Stamped there, in bold, red font is the name of the sandwich, and the accompanying sketch of a pair of jalapenos shows McDonald's means business. Upon unwrapping it, I quickly discovered that this sandwich is just like a regular McChicken sandwich, except in place of mayonnaise they've added a generous portion of jalapeno sauce and a thick slice of white cheddar cheese. The jalapeno sauce contains actual chopped jalapenos, which provide a good amount of heat to each bite, and the melted white cheddar (while not exactly bold) is smooth and not waxy. When combined with the umami of the seasoned, crispy breaded chicken patty, the flavor profile is complex and delicious. Not at all how I would describe most sandwiches from fast food joints, let alone McDonald's.

As for the serious jalapeno's commitment indicated by the wrapper, I'd characterize the jalapeno sauce level of spiciness as "lip spicy" more than anything. It didn't exactly threaten to liquefy my insides (something for which I'm grateful, since my Teflon esophagus and cast-iron stomach are both on back-order through SkyMall), but it was sufficiently zesty. I think the jalapenos themselves were probably pickled, but I could barely taste the tartness beyond the kisser-searing wall of spice.

The cheese was really the only downside. I'd say it was closer to American cheese than cheddar, and there was no flavor to speak of, despite the warm, melty texture. Just like that memorable night at the movies seated beside the JNCO-clad object of my adolescent affection, the cheese didn't really amount to much. (I think he didn't like any of us.)

It's comforting to know that for about a buck fifty, I can revisit the past, and this time, Frasier, Deuce Bigalow, and a janky-ass submarine are nowhere in sight.

  * **Item:** McDonald's Jalapeno Cheddar McChicken Sandwich
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 sandwich – 360 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 1220 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $1.49
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Lip spicy. The aroma of jalapeño slices. Sky Mall. Cartoon jalapeños show they mean business. _Mission: Impossible_. Seasoned, crispy, breaded chicken patty provides nice touch of umami. Movie-going in mixed company. Tasty and cheap. Ride or Die.
  * **Cons:** Not available everywhere in the US-of-A yet. The cheese was bland and didn't really taste like cheddar. Kelsey Grammar and Rob Schneider. The amount of spice doesn't represent real business. JNCOs.
  * **Other McDonald's Jalapeno Cheddar McChicken reviews:**

  * An Immovable Feast
  * Brand Eating

## McDonald's McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade

If I didn't have a calendar, all I would have to do is see what McDonald's is offering in order to figure out what time of the year it is. When they release their Holiday Pie, I know it's fall. When the Shamrock Shake is available, I know spring is right around the corner. And, whenever the McRib is offered for a limited time, I know it's that time of year when I eat a McRib and then think to myself, "Nope, it's still horrible."

But now, I have the McDonald's McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade to let me know summer is near. Although, I think it's a permanent addition to the McCafe menu, so I may think it's summer all the time. But then again, I do live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where it pretty much always has nice beach weather.

The McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is made by pouring blended frozen lemonade into a cup with strawberry syrup. As the lemonade slush is poured into the cup, the strawberry syrup mixes with some it, creating a swirling pattern. After the two are put together in a cup, they aren't completely mixed together to blend all the flavors. That mixing is up to you, the straw that's included, and your wrists.

However, I think McDonald's doesn't want you to mix the two because it's kind of hard to do so with the included straw and because that swirling pattern looks so pretty before the heavier strawberry syrup settles to the bottom of the cup. But, I'd recommend fusing the two flavors together because when the strawberry goop comes to rest at the cup's bottom, a sweet strawberry shot is what you'll be tasting with every suck from your straw, leaving you with less of the syrup to slightly neutralize the tartness of the lemonade slush.

If you owned a box of crayons as a child, you know red and white make pink, while red and yellow make orange. But get ready to have your primary colored world turned upside down because thoroughly combining the yellow lemonade slush with the red strawberry syrup turns the McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade pink. It's what Hello Kitty would drink if she wanted brain freeze.

Looking past the weird color anomaly, the McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is tasty and refreshing. The ice crystals have a satisfying crunch and create a fluffy slushie. The tart blended frozen lemonade is front and center and the strawberry syrup moderately turns down the tartness, but in the process the strawberry flavor is nearly non-existent. So, basically, McDonald's should've called this slushy beverage the McDonald's McCafe Frozen Lemonade That'll Turn Pink If You Mix It.

But, as tasty and refreshing as it was, I had trouble finishing the entire 16-ounce cup. Because, at a point the lemonade got annoyingly tart and the drink as a whole got annoyingly sweet. Thank goodness for freezers because I can enjoy the leftovers later by throwing it at the faces of glee club members.

Overall, the McDonald's McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is a pleasant reminder that summer is near.

  * **Item:** McDonald's McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 16 ounces – 270 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 67 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 310% vitamin C.
  * **Price:** $2.59
  * **Size:** 16 ounces
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** A tasty and refreshing reminder that summer is near. Fat free. Awesome amount of vitamin C. Swirling pattern is pretty. Shamrock Shakes.
  * **Cons:** Not enough strawberry flavor. Becomes hard to finish since it gets to be annoyingly tart and sweet. You have to do the mixing. Breaks the laws of primary colors.
  * **Other McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade reviews:**

  * Brand Eating
  * Drink What
  * We Rate Stuff

## McDonald's Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder

Besides helping to increase toilet paper usage more than other foods, using the same ingredients to create new menu items is what Taco Bell does best. But it appears McDonald's took a page from Taco Bell's playbook when they came up with their Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder.

The latest addition to the McDonald's Angus Third Pounder lineup combines the 100 percent Angus patty, bun, bacon, cheese, onion and pickles from a Bacon and Cheese Angus Third Pounder with the Chipotle BBQ sauce McDonald's includes in their Chipotle BBQ Chicken Snack Wrap.

I didn't expect McDonald's, the 800-pound gorilla of the fast food world, who by the way probably got to 800 pounds by eating McDonald's food, to stoop to the same level as the company who couldn't be honest enough to name their Fourthmeal, which happens between late night drinking and breakfast, what it really is: Drunkfast.

Just like all of the other Angus Third Pounder burgers, the Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder has a bit of heft thanks to the meaty 100 percent Angus beef patty. Or maybe they feel heavy because the only regular arm exercise I get is lifting 20-ounce bottles of Pepsi Max. The Angus patty is, by far, better tasting meat than what's offered with other McDonald's burgers. Too bad its flavor gets lost in this burger.

The Chipotle BBQ sauce is one of the main ingredients of the Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder, but it's also the burger's main problem.

The Chipotle BBQ sauce is like a telenovela without the sensuality – all flavor, almost no heat. But that was to be expected since the McDonald's Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap also isn't spicy. While it may not provide any heat, what it does have is a sweet and smoky flavor. However, that sweet and smoky flavor dominates the Angus beef and all of the other burger's ingredients, because it appears the burger jockeys in the McDonald's kitchens have their sauce guns set to splooge.

The burger also come with three strips of bacon, pickles, red onions, and cheese, but, again, the chipotle BBQ sauce doesn't allow any of them much face time, just like I'm not giving them much attention by only talking about them in this one sentence paragraph.

The Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder is my least favorite Angus Third Pounder variety. Not only is its flavor disappointing, but also its lack of creativity. What was so impressive about the original Angus Third Pounders was that McDonald's was able to take a giant leap away from what we thought a McDonald's burger should be, with better beef and colorful, fresh ingredients. They've shown they can make that leap and create a decent burger, so I'm disappointed all they could do is swap condiments to make something new. All they're showing now is that they perhaps no longer want to take leaps, just baby steps.

Just like Taco Bell.

  * **Item:** McDonald's Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Not available on website. But I'm pretty sure it contains trans fat and enough sodium to make dogs want to lick you when you sweat.
  * **Price:** $6.99
  * **Size:** Regular Value Meal
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Great if you're really sick of the other Angus Third Pounder varieties. Three decent sized slices of bacon. Angus beef patty. Hefty burger. Pepsi Max. The original Angus Third Pounders.
  * **Cons:** Chipotle BBQ sauce brought no heat, and it's sweet and smoky flavor dominated all of the other ingredients. Setting sauce guns to splooge. Swapping condiments isn't very creative. McDonald's take a page from the Taco Bell playbook.
  * **Other McDonald's Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder Reviews:**

  * Grub Grade
  * Brand Eating
  * An Immovable Feast

## McDonald's Angus Snack Wraps (Mushroom and Swiss, Deluxe, and Bacon and Cheese)

If you're expecting the new McDonald's Angus Snack Wraps to taste exactly like their bigger brothers, you should know that, just like Owen Wilson's nose alignment, they're slightly off. This can be attributed to the use of a soft tortilla instead of a bun. But the folks at McDonald's have captured almost all of the great taste of their Angus Third Pounder Burgers with these burrito-ized versions of them.

The Angus Snack Wraps come in the same three varieties as their bigger brethren: Mushroom and Swiss, Deluxe, and Bacon and Cheese. All of them come wrapped in a soft tortilla and with half of an Angus third-pound patty, which, if my math is correct, equals more meat than what's attached to the bones of a waif supermodel or more meat than the amount a waif supermodel has eaten in past six months.

The Deluxe also comes with half of a tomato slice, a leaf of lettuce, red onions, pickle slices, American cheese, mayo and mustard. The Bacon and Cheese is also made up of red onions, pickle slices, a strip of bacon, American Cheese, ketchup and mustard. And the Mushroom and Swiss has sauteed mushrooms, Swiss cheese, and mayo.

When you compare these Angus Snack Wraps with all previous Snack Wraps, it makes the older varieties look as sad and pathetic as I do whenever I put on running shorts and walk around with my pale hairy legs exposed. Each Angus Snack Wrap has a nice heft and look much more substantial than the chicken and Big Mac Snack Wraps.

Because of their weight, I wondered if eating one could be more of a meal instead of a snack. But after chomping down the first one, I forgot about what I was trying to do and ate all three varieties in one sitting. I ended up consuming 2,800 milligrams of sodium, not including fries. It made me wish silly ol' me looked up the nutrition facts before eating them, which might've prevented the gluttony and future high blood pressure.

Because I really enjoyed the Angus Third Pounder Burgers, I knew the likelihood of me enjoying the Angus Snack Wraps would be as high as the percentage of failed attempts to find love via reality shows. The Deluxe Angus Snack Wrap (view innards) tastes like a classic burger and every ingredient was noticeable. But none of them overpowers the others, even the red onions. It's probably the most appetizing of the bunch because of the vegetables, which look surprisingly fresh. The Bacon and Cheese Angus Snack Wrap (view innards) is also very flavorful, but the bacon disappoints a little. While it's a nice sized slice of bacon, it wasn't noticeable enough when mixed with the stronger flavors of the mustard and ketchup. It was also extremely soggy, but that's par when it comes to fast food bacon. As for the Mushroom and Swiss Angus Snack Wrap (view innards), I definitely could taste all of the major ingredients, especially the mushrooms. However, I think whoever made mine went all Duck Hunt with the mayo gun, since a lot of it oozed out from the Snack Wrap.

I like all three varieties, but a few items bother me about them.

First of all, the patties are slightly dry, which isn't surprising for McDonald's and will probably never change. But despite being dry, I like the meat's flavor, which is definitely of a higher quality and is better than the usual McDonald's patties. Also, at $2.49 each, they seem a bit pricey. Fortunately, for most of you, because you don't live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, you'll be paying $1.99, which is what they're worth.

Overall, I really enjoyed all three varieties of these slightly less guilty versions of McDonald's Angus Third Pounders, and I believe they are the best menu items McDonald's has in Snack Wrap form.

Just don't eat all three of them in one sitting.

  * **Item:** McDonald's Angus Snack Wraps (Mushroom and Swiss, Deluxe, and Bacon and Cheese)
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 wrap

  * **Mushroom and Swiss** \- 430 calories 230 calories from fat, 26 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar and 22 grams of protein.
  * **Deluxe** \- 410 calories, 220 calories from fat, 25 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 20 grams of protein.
  * **Bacon and Cheese** \- 390 calories, 190 calories from fat, 21 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1080 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar and 21 grams of protein.

  * **Price:** $2.49 each ($1.99 at most McDonald's)
  * **Size:** Varies
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10 (Mushroom and Swiss), 8 out of 10 (Deluxe), 7 out of 10 (Bacon and Cheese)
  * **Pros:** McDonald's best Snack Wraps. All three were very tasty. Captures almost all the flavors of their Angus Third Pounders. Their heft makes previous Snack Wrap varieties look sad and pathetic. Slightly less guilty than McDonald's Angus Third Pounders. Lettuce and tomato in Deluxe were colorful and fresh.
  * **Cons:** Patties are slightly dry. Having to pay $2.49 for them and not $1.99 like most people. Great source of sodium and trans fat. Mushroom and Swiss had too much mayo. Bacon in the Bacon and Swiss was limp and was overpowered by the mustard and ketchup. My pale hairy legs in running shorts.
  * **Other Angus Snack Wrap reviews:**

  * Hamburger Calculus
  * Grub Grade

## McDonald's McRib

Just like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, AMC Pacer, and the Grateful Dead, the McDonald's

McRib has a cult following.

Although the McRib's following isn't as dressed up or gay as those who follow the Rocky Horror Picture Show or isn't as stoned as the Deadheads, but the McRib cult probably has a much wider ass than all of the other cults combined.

Currently, the McRib is on its McRib Farewell Tour II 06, which when it ends, means the McRib will no longer be offered on the McDonald's menu.

Now I don't know about you, but when I see Roman numerals after the words "Farewell Tour," it makes me a little skeptical that this is the last hurrah for the McRib. After all, if it's the McRib Farewell Tour II, there apparently was a Farewell Tour I, so there might be a Farewell Tour III, since Roman numerals have been used to keep track of long-running series and events. For example, there have been XL Super Bowls, XXIII Wrestlemanias, XXVIII Summer Olympics, and XXX Asian Poontang videos.

(Editor's Note: Here's a quick handy guide to Roman numerals if you're not familiar with them: I is one. V is five. X is ten. L is fifty. C is one hundred. D is five hundred. M is one thousand. So Asian Poontang XXX is really Asian Poontang 30, but looks much more masturbatable as Asian Poontang XXX.)

Another reason why I expect to see the McRib in the McFuture is because of the petition on the annoying McRib website to save it. Although if I have learned anything from signing petitions, it's that they aren't very effective at making things happen, but it's a great way to find out the address and phone number of the hot chick who signed it right before me.

The McRib I tried recently was the first one I ever had and it will definitely be the last one I have, even when the McRib Farewell Tour III rolls around in 2008. For those of you who haven't had the opportunity to eat a McRib, it consists of a boneless piece of pork, dipped in some kind of tangy barbeque sauce with pickles and onions in between a special McRib bun.

The boneless pork was slightly rubbery and the barbeque sauce was not so tangy or tasty. Although, if you look at the picture above, it seems like most of the barbeque sauce ended up on the box it came in instead of the sandwich, causing its bland taste. The barbeque sauce also ended up on my fingers, shirt, and the crotch of my pants, which would've been trouble (or fun) if I owned a dog. Also, I'm not too sure why there are pickles in it.

Due to its blandness and messiness, I don't ever see myself joining the McDonald's McRib McCult. If I had to choose between joining the McRib McCult or a cult that involves wearing matching baby blue jumpsuits with matching black Nike shoes and drinking a magical fruit punch that "puts me to sleep" so that I can be taken up in a flying saucer to meet Ldlfjadlrdoiueoriadfij (pronounced Frank) and be married to fifty virgins beyond the Gates of the Shining Starlight, I would probably choose the cult with matching baby blue jumpsuits, not because I would meet Frank or the fifty virgins, but because the magical fruit punch would probably taste better than the McRib.

  * **Item:** McDonald's McRib
  * **Nutrition Facts:** **** 500 calories, 26 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 22 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $4.59 (Value Meal)
  * **Purchased at:** McDonald's
  * **Rating:** 2 out of 5
  * **Pros:** Boneless. AMC Pacer. Magical fruit punch. Asian Poontang XXX.
  * **Cons:** Rubbery pork. Barbeque sauce wasn't so tangy. Bland like a CBS sitcom. Messy like the money shots in Asian Poontang XXX. Napkins required. The McRib is overrated. The addition of pickles. McRib website is annoying. Petitions.

* * *

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Burger King

III.

Burger King

## Burger King Jalapeno and Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger

Children have such innocent minds, and those minds ask silly, but innocent questions, like: Does chocolate milk come from a brown cow? Why is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? Does daddy like to drive a car with no top because daddy has no top on his head?

Another silly question a child might ask a parent is: To make the new Burger King Jalapeno and Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse burger, do they make the cows eat jalapenos and cheese?

If a child asks a parent that, it's the responsibility of the parent to set them straight and tell them that pieces of jalapenos and small chunks of cheddar cheese are added later to the ground beef.

However, if a child turns the question into a statement, he or she might be eating glue.

Stuffing a burger patty with ingredients that are usually on top of it isn't something Burger King came up with first, although they are the first of the fast food giants to do so.

Almost exactly two years ago, Burger King released the Angry Whopper for a limited time. When I reviewed it back then, I was disappointed to discover it wasn't as angry as I hoped. I would consider it having a level of anger that could easily be controlled with taking a timeout or deep breathing exercises.

However, the Jalapeno and Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse is definitely angrier than the Angry Whopper, but not drunk Mel Gibson talking on the phone to his girlfriend angry. It's angry enough that I think it might need to take anger management classes or a low dose of prescription drugs.

The jalapeno pieces in the burger patty aren't the only ingredients that make the Jalapeno and Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse spicy hot; it's also the creamy poblano sauce, which tastes like a spicy thousand island salad dressing. These spicy ingredients not only brought the heat, but they also gave it a flavor that I think makes it tastier than any other BK Steakhouse burger I've tried. Although, in my eyes, that's not hard to do, since I think other Steakhouse burgers are quite bland.

The Jalapeno and Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse has the same lettuce, tomatoes and bun as the regular Steakhouse, so I'll only spend these 26 words on them. Surprisingly, the thick burger patty didn't turn out as dry as I thought it would be. Perhaps my slightly juicy burger turned out the way it did because of the liquid from the jalapenos, or maybe the Burger King I went to has a flame-broiling master.

As for the cheddar stuffed in the ground beef, it does add to the flavor of the burger, but the spicy ingredients are definitely the screaming children trying to gain your attention. I'm just glad they didn't go all Pizza Hut on this burger and stuff the cheese into the bun.

Oh great, I probably gave Burger King another idea. I hope if Burger King does come up with a Jalapeno and Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse with a stuffed bun, it's as good as the regular Jalapeno and Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse.

  * **Item:** Burger King Jalapeno and Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 burger – 590 calories, 34 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,240 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar and 26 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $3.99
  * **Size:** 1 sandwich
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Nice heat from jalapeno and poblano sauce. Tastiest of the Steakhouse burgers. Poblano sauce tastes like a spicy thousand island dressing. Stuffing jalapenos in burger patty and not under the bun means no falling jalapeno slices. Surprisingly slightly juicy burger patty.
  * **Cons:** Probably not good to eat daily, or every other day. Lame iceberg lettuce. Buying a convertible to make up for balding. Eating glue. Mel Gibson drunk dialing.
  * **Other Jalapeno and Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse reviews:**

  * Grub Grade
  * An Immovable Feast
  * Me So Hungry
  * Junk Food Betty

## BK Burger Shots

Geez, it seems like everyone is reproducing by the litter. First, it was the single mother in Southern California who gave birth to octuplets and now Burger King has spewed out BK Burger Shots from it's flame-broiled uterus.

I wouldn't be surprised if TLC offered either of them a reality show on their network.

The BK Burger Shots come in either a two- or six-pack. I bought the six-pack because sometimes I like to pretend I have friends. Each shot comes with a wittle flame-broiled burger topped with a wittle bit of mustard, a wittle bit of ketchup and a pickle in between a wittle fluffy bun. Those of you who have the privilege of living near a White Castle or Krystal, and love their sliders, are probably screaming obscenities at your monitor and calling Burger King an unoriginal bastard. But those of you who don't live near a White Castle or Krystal can now have your own Harold and Kumar adventure after smoking a big bowl of the ganja.

As you can see in the picture above, the BK Burger Shots six-pack looks like an actual set of six-pack abs, making them the newest item that looks like six-pack abs but will ironically prevent you from obtaining your own six-pack abs. It joins such products as the six-pack of beer, six-pack of soda and six-pack of butter.

From the top, they may look like individual abs, but each pair is joined at the beef so they're actually more like Siamese twins that you have to rip apart. Once you rip them apart and look under the bun, you will channel the ghost of Clara Peller and ask out loud, "Where's the Beef?" The burgers are round and noticeably smaller than the squarish buns they're in, which were roughly the size of a standard dinner roll.

If you've had a Burger King hamburger, then you probably have an idea of what a BK Burger Shot tastes like, although I have to say that they didn't taste as flame-broiled as their Whopper. It's good, but there's nothing truly special about them because they're just smaller versions of their regular hamburger.

I think it would be so much better if Burger King pushed out of their flame-broiled womb either a six-pack of mini Whoppers or something like a White Castle slider.

  * **Item:** BK Burger Shots
  * **Nutrition Facts** : 6 pack – 660 calories, 33 grams of fat, 13.5 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 1260 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 42 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $5.49 (retails for $4.09 in most other places)
  * **Size:** 6-pack
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Good. Comes in a two- or six-pack. Now stoners can have a Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle-like adventure. Pickles in burgers.
  * **Cons:** Nothing special since they taste like a regular BK hamburger. Seemed to taste less flame-broiled than a Whopper. Burger patties looked noticeably smaller than the buns they're in. Will not help you obtain six-pack abs despite looking like six-pack abs. Copying White Castle and Krystal.

## Burger King Quaker Oatmeal

I'm disappointed with Burger King.

They're the "Home of the Whopper," not the "Home of Whole Grains and Fiber," so their new Burger King Oatmeal puzzles me. Instead of clogging my arteries, the fiber in their new oatmeal is scraping away the stuff that shrinks my arteries' passageways, some of which was put there by their food. By scraping away that plaque that lines my arterial walls, what they're really doing is scraping themselves away.

I wonder if I just blew Burger King's mind.

So Burger King should forget about oatmeal and get back to doing what they're good at — making Whoppers, making other burgers and sandwiches that aren't as good as the Whopper, and making crappy French fries.

But, if they're really attached to making oatmeal, I'd suggest revamping their menu with nothing but healthier fare and changing their name to Garden King. Although, if they do, I'm pretty sure a bunch of Chinese restaurants will be upset with the name change.

But until either one happens, it's going to be oatmeal and a whole lot of fried stuff on Burger King's menu boards.

Oh, but their oatmeal isn't just any ol' oatmeal. It's Quaker oatmeal, which means two things:

  1. Burger King wants people to know they're serious about their oatmeal.
  2. I could make the exact same thing at home in 3-4 minutes.

Burger King's oatmeal is quite good, if you get it with the dried fruit (raisins, golden raisins, and dried cranberries). While the oatmeal is sweetened with brown sugar, it's easily ten times better with the fruit, which there is enough of to have a little dried fruit in every spoonful. The oatmeal does have a nice thick consistency, even though the picture above may show otherwise.

Although I really do like Burger King's oatmeal, I prefer McDonald's Fruit and Maple Oatmeal. Burger King's oatmeal (7 ounces) is smaller than McDonald's Fruit and Maple Oatmeal (9.2 ounces) and McDonald's oatmeal includes fresh apples. Although McDonald's uses fast food black magic to prevent the apples from turning brown. Also, Burger King's oatmeal is only available during breakfast hours, while McDonald's oatmeal is available throughout the day.

So now that Burger King has oatmeal, does this mean we'll see more wholesome items on their menu board or will their oatmeal end up like the BK Veggie and just be a novelty stuck in the sea of saturated fats and grease on Burger King's menu board.

  * **Item:** Burger King Quaker Oatmeal
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 oatmeal with fruit – 270 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 4 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 29 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.49
  * **Size:** 7 ounces
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10
  * **Pros:** It's good. Uses Quaker oatmeal. Lots of dried fruit. Thick consistency. Burger King Whopper. Made using whole grain oats. Good source of fiber.
  * **Cons:** Only available on the breakfast menu. I could probably make it at home in 3-4 minutes. The number of King Garden restaurants. Fiber scraping away the Burger King inside of me. BK Veggie.

## Burger King Bacon Sundae

The Burger King Bacon Sundae is a little disappointing.

Oh, it's tasty and you'll gobble it up hard, like you're a sugar monster, but it's disappointing because after all the artificially-flavored bacon products I've tried over the years, I kind of miss the fear I had with each and every bite as I tried to consume them.

Well, the ten grams of saturated fat and 61 grams of sugar this sundae contains evokes fear, but I'm sad there's nothing unnatural tasting about it that made me pause every time I put it near my mouth.

There aren't any cerebral alarms going off to warn me. There isn't an angel on one shoulder telling me not to do it and a devil on the other shoulder yelling at me, "Eat it, you pussy!"

Burger King went the safe route and just put chopped bits and a slice of their new thick hardwood smoked bacon on top of chocolate fudge, caramel, and their vanilla soft serve. There's no bacon-flavored syrup, no sprinkling of Bacon Salt, and there isn't even a cup shaped like a pig's snout that I can wear on my face when I walk out of a Burger King and yell, "OINK! OINK! OINK!"

The Burger King Bacon Sundae comes with what I estimate to be two slices of bacon — one chopped up and the other sticking out of the vanilla soft serve like a bacon tombstone. Oh, when I say, "slices," I mean Burger King slices which are shorter than the slices you would get if you threw some bacon into a pan. Two slices may not seem like a lot, but there's enough bacon to have a little bit in every spoonful. The bacon wasn't what I would call crispy. Perhaps hardened would be a better adjective.

I don't think the bacon adds much of a pork or smoky flavor, instead it's more salty, and I thought it went well with the gooey chocolate fudge and caramel. However, if I scooped up too much of the sweet sauces, which there were a lot of, they totally porkblocked any bacon flavor from my taste buds.

Burger King does a good job creating the coveted sweet and salty combination with its bacon sundae. Although bacon is the dessert's special ingredient, its flavor is relegated to the background, which might disappoint hardcore bacon lovers. It's a really nice treat, but my masochistic taste buds wish Burger King went way over the top with its bacon flavor.

Perhaps BK should've added a dollop of Baconnaise.

Thanks to TIB reader Stephen for demanding the Burger King Bacon Sundae be reviewed.

  * **Item:** Burger King Bacon Sundae
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 510 calories, 18 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 670 milligrams of sodium, 75 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 61 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $3.49
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Tasty. Nice combo of sweet and salty. Lots of bacon. Nice sized sundae. Lots of chocolate fudge and caramel. Subdued pork flavor will make this appealing to more eaters. Thank goodness, no Baconnaise.
  * **Cons:** Doesn't come in a cup shaped like a pig's snout. Bacon flavor is muted. Might be disappointing if you're a bacon lover. Probably not the best thing to eat, health wise, after consuming a BK combo meal. Being pork blocked.
  * **Other Burger King Bacon Sundae reviews:**

  * So Good Blog
  * Brand Eating

## Burger King Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

With the introduction of their new Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich, Burger King now has their own McRib. Actually, to be more accurate, Burger King now has their own limited time only pork sandwich slathered with sauce that's kind of scary looking when you pull back the bun.

BK's pulled pork sandwich brings together pulled pork, Memphis BBQ sauce, sliced onions, and a sweet southern sauce on a toasted artisan-style bun.

To be honest, I've never experienced Memphis barbecue because I've never been to the great state of . . . (double-checking on Wikipedia) Tennessee. So my digestive system hasn't had the pleasure of eating at fine Memphis BBQ establishments like...(checks Google) Central, Neely's, Corky's, Payne's, The Bar-B-Q Shop, and the G'town Commissary. Since my taste buds have never tasted Memphis barbecue, I can't determine how offended Memphians (I hope that's correct) should be or if they should feel offended at all.

As you can see in the photo above, the BK Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich comes with a lot of pulled pork. Although, the pulled pork looks more like finely shredded pork. Perhaps, too finely shredded, because when I pulled back the artisan-style bun, the amalgamation of pork looked like clumped wet cat hair. So if you purchase this sandwich, DO NOT TAKE IT APART! Also, DO NOT LOOK AT THE SANDWICH WHILE EATING IT OR ELSE YOU WILL SEE THIS:

I know fast food in promotional photos never look like that in real life, but there was a major difference between BK's photos of the sandwich and what mine looked like. While the beautifully photographed sandwich had pulled pork drenched in sauce, my pulled pork was just topped with sauce.

Because the pork wasn't soaked in sauce, I noticed the pork was a bit dry and with some bites it was slightly tough. It had a mild pork flavor that doesn't get completely overwhelmed by the sauces.

Wait. Now that I think about it, maybe it's good the pork wasn't drenched in sauce because the two sauces that top this sandwich made it extremely messy. I think I used three napkins to clean my hands. The BBQ sauce had a wonderful sweet and smoky flavor. Because there's no spiciness to it, it's slightly different from the usual barbecue sauce BK uses. The sweet southern sauce was also tasty, although its pastel yellow color looked a little weird. It gave the sandwich a little tanginess. The onions added crunch and complemented the pork and two sauces.

Even though it's probably not comparable to a pulled pork sandwich from a Memphis barbecue joint and the pork is a little dry and looks like clumped wet cat hair, I think the Burger King Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich is surprisingly decent, thanks to the two sauces. It's also on the smallish side, but I think it's a better tasting pork sandwich than the McDonald's McRib*.

*I don't really care for the McRib.

  * **Item:** Burger King Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 sandwich – 470 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,420 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 29 grams of sugar, and 27 grams of protein
  * **Purchased Price:** $4.99 (sandwich only)*
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Surprisingly decent. Tasty sauces. Lots of pulled pork. Onions were a nice addition. Bun held together despite absorbing lots of sauce.
  * **Cons:** On the smallish side. Pork not drenched in sauce. Pork looks like clumped wet cat hair. Hella messy. Sweet southern sauce has a weird yellow color. McRib.
  * *Prices will vary. I will pay more than most of you because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
  * **Other Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich reviews:**

  * Grub Grade

## Burger King Sweet Potato Fries

I'm not a fan of Burger King's French fries because of their unnatural starchy coating and weak potato flavor, so I had low expectations for their new Sweet Potato Fries.

These sweet potato fries are part of Burger King's new limited time only summer BBQ menu, which includes Texas and Carolina BBQ Whoppers and chicken sandwiches, frozen lemonades, a Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork sandwich, and a bacon sundae.

As interesting as a bacon sundae sounds, which has already been done by other places, I really do think these sweet potato fries are the most compelling item on the new menu because with their release Burger King becomes the first of the major fast food burger chains to offer sweet potato fries.

These fries have a beautiful orange color, which make them look as if they enjoy spray-on tanning or eating lots of carrots. They're not thick like Burger King's regular fries, in fact they're noticeably flatter. These sweet potato fries are also not as erect as regular potato Burger King fries, instead most of them are quite limp.

That limpness probably makes you wonder about crispiness. When I comes to French fries, I don't like to put limp ones in my mouth. Crispiness is what I want to put into my mouth, and these sweet potato fries are somewhat crispy. Now when I say, "somewhat" I mean the tips are crispy, but the rest of the fry, not so much.

Also, these sweet potato fries don't have a very long crispy life. If you're dining in, you'll experience their crispiness. However, if you're ordering from the drive-thru and you're not one of those people who eat fries along the way to your destination, by the time you do eat some, you will be disappointed by how soggy the fries got.

After my drive home from Burger King, which Google Maps says takes eight minutes, the fries I purchased ended up soggy. Fortunately, I did eat some crispy fries since I'm one of those people who eats fries while driving.

Even though they don't have the crispiness staying power I would've liked, the Burger King Sweet Potato Fries are quite delectable. If you've had sweet potato fries before, you'll know what these taste like. They have a wonderful sweet potato flavor that's enhanced by the salt, although some fries were a bit too salty. When they're fresh, they're addictive. When they've been sitting in a car for eight minutes, they're still good.

If you're getting a combo meal, you can switch the regular fries with these sweet potato fries, but it will cost a little extra (I was told 30-cents). Also, while they were fine with ketchup, you really should ask for a container of BK's Zesty sauce to dip your sweet potato fries into. You'll thank me later.

Although they get limp quickly, I enjoyed BK's new sweet potato fries significantly more than Burger King's regular fries, and I hope they become a permanent addition to the menu.

  * **Item:** Burger King Sweet Potato Fries
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Medium size – 390 calories, 190 calories from fat, 21 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 720 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.99
  * **Size:** Medium fries
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Wonderful combination of sweet and salty. Much better than BK's regular fries. Tips of the fries are crispy. Pretty orange color. Goes good with ketchup. Goes great with BK Zesty sauce.
  * **Cons:** They get soggy quickly. Flatter than BK's regular fries. Available for a limited time. Getting oil on your steering wheel. Some fries were too salty. BK's regular fries.

## Burger King Frappé (Caramel and Mocha)

McDonald's Frappé is a photocopy of Starbucks' Frappuccino. So Burger King's Frappé is a photocopy of a photocopy. Although, if I were to include Cinnabon's Mochalatta and Dunkin' Donuts' Coolatta, then Burger King's Frappé is a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy.

Do you know what happens when you photocopy a photocopy, then photocopy that photocopy, and photocopy that?

Let me explain using the following example. Let's say I were to walk into a Kinko's at two in the morning, go up to one of their copy machines, pull my pants down, jump up onto the copy machines, gently sit down on the glass plate, and take an awesome photocopy of my butt with its crack going perfectly down the middle of the 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper.

Then let's say I further waste the machine's toner by photocopying that perfect butt photocopy, taking the result of that, placing it into the feeding tray, photocopying it, and then wash, rinse, and repeat several times. Eventually, that perfect photocopy of my butt won't be so perfect. My butt crack that went straight down the middle will, instead, drift to the left or right. You can still tell it's my butt, but it isn't quite like the original.

So, basically, the Burger King Frappé looks like a Starbucks Frappuccino, but is inferior to the original.

Like McDonald's, BK's Frappés come in two flavors, Caramel and Mocha, and are topped with whipped cream and drizzled with mocha or caramel syrup. Wait. Did I say drizzled? I meant splooged, like it was shot out of a fast food mayo gun. The whipped cream dollop on top of the blended coffee beverage, surprisingly, stayed perky after the 10 minute car drive in my air conditioner-less car, which is something I can't say about the whipped cream on top of the McDonald's Frappé.

The Burger King website says each Frappé is "made with a hint of coffee." To be honest, I wish they were made with a KAPOW or BLAMMO of coffee because I thought the BK Frappés had less coffee flavor than the McDonald's version. Between the two flavors, the Burger King Caramel Frappé is more guilty of hiding the coffee flavor. As someone who likes his iced coffee with lots of cream and sugar, I never thought I'd miss the bitterness of coffee.

Now with all of that said, the Burger King Frappés are like BK's fries, they're decent, but I prefer

the McDonald's version. They have a pleasant smoothie consistency and, if you look at the table above, they're slightly better for you than McDonald's Frappés. But I really think Burger King should've given them a stronger coffee base and I'm disappointed they didn't take advantage of their partnership with Seattle's Best Coffee.

To sum up what I think of Burger King's Frappé, I've created a simple formula:

Starbucks Frappuccino > McDonald's Frappé > Burger King Frappé

And while I'm getting comparisons off my chest . . .

Broccoli > Carrots > Cauliflower

And . . .

Pandas > Penguins > Koalas

  * **Item:** Burger King Frappé (Caramel and Mocha)
  * **Nutrition Facts** : 12 ounces/small – 410 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 39 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)
  * **Price:** $3.29
  * **Size:** Small/12 ounces
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10 (Caramel)
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10 (Mocha)
  * **Pros:** Decent. Less calories and sugar than McDonald's Frappé. Perky whipped cream topping. Nice smoothie consistency. Broccoli. Pandas.
  * **Cons:** Weak coffee flavor. Not as good as McDonald's version. Having an over-photocopied photocopy. Having to put an accent mark in frappé. Cauliflower. Koalas.
  * **Other Burger King Frappé reviews:**

  * So Good Blog
  * Brand Eating

## Burger King Chicken B.L.T. Garden Fresh Salad

All things considered, there's really nothing stranger than walking into a Burger King andgetting green ketchup. Scratch that. On second thought, walking into a vintage 1950s decorated Burger King with booths shaped like cars and getting green ketchup, _while_ staring at an obnoxiously large LCD menu board pulled from _The Jetsons_ , might just qualify.

These oddities notwithstanding, my purchase of a salad at Burger King clearly puts this scenario in the realm of the SyFy channel.

Burger King, as you're probably well aware, is attempting to revamp its menu to draw closer to a certain fast food giant which boasts a smiling clown as its spokesman. Ditching its previous botox-injected spokesman of questionable royal bloodlines, Burger King has also revamped its menu to diversify its offering. How diverse are we talking? Lets just say it includes drinks that rhyme with how I'd assume the French to pronounce "crappy," as well as lettuce. Lots and lots of lettuce.

Seven kinds to be exact, which, along with a whole bunch of other fun vegetables, are offered in the new B.L.T. Garden Fresh Salad.

Putting on the man pants and ordering the $5.49 salad, I got the distinct impression that the staff of this particular Burger King doesn't often prepare salads. I only say this because the girl taking my order had to check what exactly was in the salad when I asked her, and even after verification, presented me with a crouton packet, Caesar dressing, as well as a cup for soda – none of which should have been included in my order. Likewise, an essential component of the Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato acronym was missing, although five perfectly ripe and juicy grape tomatoes were delivered to me in an extra cup after half my salad was eaten and my own spelling shortcomings realized.

You'd think that after such an auspicious start I'd be loath to partake in this feast of classical "Health Halo" consequence, but in the interest of complete objectivity, I have to say it shows promise as permanent menu item. It starts with the chicken, which – while only offered to me in the grilled variety – had a seriously and none-to-fake chargrill taste. Moderately juicy and marinated in a lip-smacking glaze, it may have qualified as salty, but it didn't come across as saline injected or overly enhanced.

The bacon, too, was quite good by fast food standards. Its thick and meaty with a dominant smoke flavor, although I'd prefer the pieces to have been reheated or freshly grilled, as to release some of that chewy fat into a glorious natural vinaigrette of bacon drippings. Such a scenario would have aided in the melting of these three-cheese blend, which while adding a moderate amount of flavor and salt, was otherwise just there.

I honestly was quite surprised in how much I enjoyed the dressing. Having only known one Ken in my life (the victim of childhood G.I. Joe raids on my sister's Barbie gatherings) I didn't know what to expect from Ken's Avocado Ranch, but it manages to combine a fantastic buttermilk tang with a peppery and slightly sweet kick. While the 170 calories in a single pack won't endear it to the diet crowd, it does serve its flavor purpose as a foil to the otherwise meaty and smoky overtones of the salad, which, after applying tomatoes, also received a hint of sweet relief to go with the buttery and bitter lettuce crunch. Were all seven lettuces present and accounted for?

Well, having slept through most of my _Plants in Civilization_ class during my senior year of college, I cannot verify this with absolute certainty. But there was clearly more than just iceberg, which for a dude buying a salad at Burger King is not half bad.

Clearly, Burger King has some work to do in the execution department of this salad. And while any review of a fast food salad begs the proverbial viability question in a market which can see me blow 500 calories for something cheaper and, to some extent, much more tasty, there is also something to be said for offering items that appeal to a larger audience. For the time being though, I'd make these suggestions:

  1. Lighten up the dressing
  2. Include more tomato
  3. Get more from the red onions

If those three issues can be corrected then this salad is worth your time even if you're not in the salad crowd. Heck, if the bacon can be rendered a bit further and served warm and crispy with fat drippings, then this salad is worth your time even if your definition of salad hereto now includes only the pickles and onions on your burger. But before any of this happens, Burger King has got to get its crews up to speed, and teach them to associate the "sculpted Roman head guy" with croutons, and the acronym B.L.T. with, among other things, tomatoes.

As for that interior decorating, I've seriously got nothing.

  * **Item:** Burger King Chicken B.L.T. Garden Fresh Salad
  * **Nutrition Facts:** One salad with Tendergrill chicken and Avocado Ranch Dressing – 510 calories, 33 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,610 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, and 42 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $5.49
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Surprisingly flavorful and juicy chicken. Smokey and thick-cut, ribbony bacon. Ken's Avocado Ranch gives all Kens a good name. Cheese is slightly melty. Tomatoes had good sweetness. Protein power.
  * **Cons:** Costs more than one of those Chefy burgers. Total assembly failage. Having to correct people at their jobs. A buttload of salt. Where the hell did that trans fat come from? Five tomatoes is too little. Curios interior decorating.

## Burger King Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps (Honey Mustard and Ranch)

I just spent the last hour reading about trademarks on Wikipedia and the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) website. While staring at pages that had very little pictures, I learned about "trade dress" and "trade dilution." However, I didn't learn why Burger King can offer their new Ranch and Honey Mustard Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps when McDonald's was first to offer Ranch and Honey Mustard Snack Wraps and owns the "Snack Wrap" trademark.

Well, I don't know whether McDonald's really owns the trademark because while using the USPTO's Trademark Electronic Search System (TESS), I learned McDonald's registered the Snack Wrap trademark in 2007, but also learned they abandoned the trademark in 2007. To be honest, I don't know what any of that means.

Also, to be honest, I didn't really spend an hour learning about trademarks. For 15 minutes I read about trademarks, got extremely bored, spent five minutes reading a Wikipedia entry about parkour, then wasted 15 minutes watching European parkour videos on YouTube, followed by six minutes of attempting parkour, and then spent 19 minutes on the ground in pain after tripping on a fence I tried to jump over.

But let's not dwell on my poor athletic ability, but instead focus on whose Snack Wraps are better: McDonald's or Burger King.

A McDonald's Snack Wrap brings together one of their Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips with shredded lettuce, a shredded cheddar and Monterey Jack cheese blend, either McDonald's ranch or honey mustard sauce, and a flour tortilla. Burger King's Snack Wraps combine seven lettuces, one of their new Chicken Strips, a three-cheese medley, and either Ken's Ranch Dressing or Ken's Honey Mustard Dressing in a white flour tortilla.

Who's Ken? This is Ken.

After pulling out the Burger King Snack Wraps from their paper wrapping, I was surprised by how small they were. They were shorter than McDonald's Snack Wraps. Because of their size, I felt the $2.29 I paid for each was a slight rip-off. Of course, here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we tend to have higher prices for things, so you'll probably pay less than I did. But even at two dollars, these are still a little pricey since I pay $1.49 for a McDonald's Snack Wrap.

Maybe it's pricier because of the seven lettuces Burger King stuffed into each Snack Wrap. Or, in other words, it takes more green to make these Snack Wraps more green.

I'm sorry for the previous sentence.

However, in both Snack Wraps I purchased, I only counted only two different leafy vegetables. Mind you, I only know of three lettuces: dark green, light green, and red. However, even those two were a colorful step better than McDonald's one iceberg lettuce. As for the cheese, it didn't seem to do much to enhance the flavor and the flour tortilla was just like the one McDonald's offers. I would like to say it would've been nice if the tortilla was warmed up.

The chicken strip in the Burger King Snack Wraps had a pleasant crispy exterior, but the meat inside was dry and a little tough. The chicken was marinated, and I could taste some of it while mowing through each Snack Wrap, but most of the Snack Wrap's flavor comes from Ken's dressings, which were tastier than their McDonald's counterparts. Ken's Honey Mustard had a stronger flavor and more mustard spiciness, while Ken's Ranch Dressing was mild, but it still made the McDonald's ranch sauce taste a little watered down.

So if I had to choose between Burger King's and McDonald's Snack Wraps, which would I choose? I'd have to pick the McDonald's Snack Wraps, because their flavors aren't vastly inferior compared with BK's Snack Wraps, they're cheaper, I have the option of getting grilled chicken, and they have fewer calories, fat, saturated fat, and sodium.

**Update: Grilled chicken is now being offered. Grilled chicken was not available when this review was posted.**

How much less do they have?

The McDonald's Crispy Honey Mustard Snack Wrap has 330 calories, 15 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, and 700 milligrams of sodium, while the Burger King Crispy Chicken Honey Mustard Snack Wrap has 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, and 990 milligrams of sodium.

Overall, Burger King's Snack Wraps are a tasty addition to the menu, even though they're pretty much photocopied versions of McDonald's Snack Wraps.

  * **Item:** Burger King Crispy Chicken Snack Wraps (Honey Mustard and Ranch)
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 snack wrap

  * **Honey Mustard** – 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein
  * **Ranch** – 370 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,060 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.

  * **Price:** $2.29 each
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10 (Honey Mustard), 6 out of 10 (Ranch)
  * **Pros:** Really good Ken's Honey Mustard. Decent Ken's Ranch. Crispy chicken exterior. Watching parkour videos on YouTube. Vegetation variety.
  * **Cons:** Pricey. No grilled chicken option. More calories, fat, and sodium than McDonald's Snack Wraps. Chicken meat was dry and a little tough. Photocopied versions of McDonald's Snack Wraps. Learning about trademarks is boring.

## Burger King BK Chef's Choice Burgers (Bacon and Bleu and Bacon Cheddar BBQ)

I shall begin this review with the true story of how I ordered the new limited-time-only Burger King Bacon and Bleu and Bacon Cheddar BBQ BK Chef's Choice Burgers.

When I ordered the new varieties, the employee who rang me up didn't know what burgers I was talking about, even though on the large LCD screen behind her there was an image promoting all three BK Chef's Choice Burgers. Unfortunately, the image was part of a slideshow of Burger King's latest products and the new burgers weren't anywhere else on the menu board, so when I pointed them out on the screen behind her and she turned her head to look, the image changed to something else. She then gave me a look that I've only seen when I ask people to pull my finger. She called over the manager who verified the new burgers and pointed them out on the register.

And that's how I consumed almost a day's worth of saturated fat and sodium in one meal.

As for the burgers themselves, I have to say they are the best looking major chain fast food burgers I've seen in real life. Okay, they still look nothing like their promotional photos, but they don't look like the smashed blobs of meat, cheese, and bread that other burgers look like in real life. Of course, my burgers could've been made by the slowest and most careful BK employee in the company, so yours may not look like mine.

The Bacon and Bleu BK Chef's Choice Burger consists of a 5.5-ounce flame-broiled premium ground chuck patty topped with naturally smoked hardwood bacon, Wisconsin buttermilk bleu cheese, romaine lettuce, red onions, tomatoes, and mayo on an artisan-style bun. Maybe it's the addition of the bleu cheese, but this burger sounds more deserving of the title "Chef's Choice" than the Bacon Cheddar BBQ one.

The bleu cheese wasn't crumbled cheese sprinkled on top of the burger, it was more of a chunky bleu cheese spread. I prefer this since the crumbles fell out of other bleu cheese burgers I've tried. Although the layer of bleu cheese didn't look like much, it did pack quite a punch, so much so that it taste bud-blocked almost every other ingredients. The thick bacon slices tasted like bleu cheese. The lettuce, red onions, and tomatoes tasted like bleu cheese. A little bit of the beef patty's flavor hit my taste buds, but it was mostly bleu cheese. The bleu cheese also made the burger taste really salty. I know. I know. Fast food burger = salty. But, it made this burger taste especially salty. In order to finish it, I had to scrape off the bleu cheese.

My taste buds had a much better experience with the Bacon Cheddar BBQ Chef's Choice Burger, which is made up of the same beef patty, bacon, lettuce, tomato, red onions, mayo, and bun as the Bacon and Bleu, but also includes two slices of cheddar cheese and a BBQ sauce. The BBQ sauce is the same stuff found in BK's Western BBQ Topper burger, which I found tasty. Speaking of ingredients found in the Western BBQ Topper, I really wish the Bacon Cheddar BBQ BK Chef's Choice Burger also had onion rings.

I've complained several times on this blog about flavorless bacon in fast food burgers and cheese being used more as a glue to keep the burger together instead of flavor enhancement, but the thick hardwood bacon slices and mild cheddar cheese in this burger surprised me since I could actually taste both. The beef patty was dry, which is par for the course when it comes to fast food burgers, but I just like with the regular BK Chef's Choice Burger I enjoyed the flavor of the patty. Overall, it's a really tasty burger, thanks to the BBQ sauce, meat, cheese, and bacon combination, and it's my favorite of the three BK Chef's Choice Burger varieties.

While I didn't really care for the Bacon and Bleu and enjoyed the Bacon Cheddar BBQ, there's something that really bothered me about both burgers — the inclusion of mayonnaise. It's completely unnecessary in either burger when both contain a topping that provides a lot of flavor (i.e. bleu cheese and BBQ sauce). The mayonnaise's flavor is nonexistent in both burgers, so why include it? Is it there to make sure the lettuce doesn't fall out? If not, all it really does is include more fat and sodium to burgers that already have a lot of both.

I don't know if you can still have it your way at Burger King, but if you can, I'd suggest getting the Bacon Cheddar BBQ BK Chef's Choice Burger without mayo and the Bacon and Bleu BK Chef's Choice Burger without mayo and less bleu cheese.

  * **Item:** Burger King BK Chef's Choice Burgers (Bacon and Bleu, and Bacon Cheddar BBQ)
  * **Nutrition Facts:**

  * **Bacon and Bleu** – 760 calories, 51 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,310 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 17 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.
  * **Bacon Cheddar BBQ** – 820 calories, 56 grams of fat, 22 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,800 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, and 40 grams of protein.

  * **Price:** $6.99 (sandwich only)
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 4 out of 10 (Bacon and Bleu)
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10 (Bacon Cheddar BBQ)
  * **Pros:** Tasty BBQ sauce. Tasty beef patties. Nicest looking fast food burgers I've seen in real life. Awesome sources of protein. Thick slices of bacon. I could taste the cheese and bacon!
  * **Cons:** Pricey. Dry beef patties. Bleu cheese overwhelms all other ingredients and makes the burger super salty. Dear Lord that's a lot of sodium and saturated fat. Mayo was unnecessary. The number of times I typed "blue" instead of "bleu" while writing this review.

## New Burger King French Fries (2011)

Some people love Burger King French fries, I'm not one of them. In fact, I believe it's the third worst way for a potato to meet its end, right behind getting potato blight and being turned into Pringles.

As I've confessed in previous French fry reviews and to Ronald McDonald at knifepoint, I'm a McDonald's fry guy and think they're far superior than fries from other major fast food chains. They're so far ahead of the competition, they're like Tiger Woods before all the hookers.

Over the past several years, some of the major fast food chain have released new versions of their deep fried potato sticks. Jack in the Box has done it twice, Wendy's did it last year, and now Burger King has introduced their new French fries.

What's new about Burger King's fries? According to the company, they're thicker, have a better potato flavor, and have 20 percent less sodium than their previous fries. So what they're basically saying in a press releases' worth of words is that their old fries sucked. And they're absolutely correct. They had a weak potato flavor, they weren't salty enough, and, my goodness, what the hell was up with that starchy coating that made the fries seem a little unnatural.

But Burger King's old fries are now in the past, joining their old old fries that were available until the mid-1990s. So what about Burger King's new fries. Are they better than their old fries? Also, are they better than McDonald's fries?

Well, I'm happy to say Burger King's new fries are an improvement, but it's slight. If you liked the flavor of Burger King's old fries, you'll enjoy these because they pretty much taste the same and they have the same starchy coating to keep them crispy and hot for longer. The potato flavor is slightly enhanced, but I really was expecting more. And, while having 20 percent less sodium than Burger King's previous fries helps blood pressure, it doesn't help with the flavor.

Also while I'm talking about sodium, can someone explain to me how it's possible for Burger King's fries to not have much of a salty flavor, even though they have significantly more sodium than McDonald's fries, which have a wonderful saltiness to them. A small-value serving of Burger King's new fries has 330 milligrams of sodium, while a small serving of McDonald's fries has only 160 milligrams. Heck, a large McDonald's fries has 350 milligrams of sodium. This blows my mind.

Perhaps the most noticeable difference Burger King's old and new fries is that the new fries are thicker, which obviously makes them appear more substantial than other fast food fries. But I have a problem with Burger King putting their new bigger fries in the same Frypods and sleeves Burger King put their old fries in. Maybe it's just me, but I feel kind of gypped getting less fries.

Burger King's new fries are thicker, but are they better than McDonald's fries? Oh, hell no.

The thing about McDonald's fries is that they're addictive, like potato chips. It's hard to stop eating them. They have a flavor that's robust enough that it doesn't need ketchup. When I run out of McDonald's fries, a part of me feels sad and wishes I had more. These are things I've never felt towards Jack in the Box, Wendy's, or any of the Burger King fries, even these new ones.

But, again, I have to say Burger King's new fries are an improvement over their old fries. It's a slight improvement, but it might be enough for me to consider being turned into Burger King fries the fourth worst way for a potato to meet its end, right behind getting blasted into a wall with a potato gun.

  * **Item:** New Burger King French Fries (2011)
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Medium size – 410 calories, 18 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 570 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)
  * **Price:** Part of Whopper Jr. value meal
  * **Size:** Medium
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Thicker fries. A slightly improved potato flavor. Starchy coating makes the fries crunchy and hot for longer. There's 20 percent less sodium than Burger King's previous fries. McDonald's fries.
  * **Cons:** Tastes almost exactly like their old fries. Doesn't even come close to being as good as McDonald's fries. Has less sodium, but still much more than McDonald's fries. Starchy coating makes the fries seem unnatural. Potato blight.
  * **Other New Burger King French Fries reviews:**

  * Serious Eats
  * Grub Grade

## Burger King California Whopper

The Burger King California Whopper is not a new product.

In the United States, it's been available exclusively at BK Whopper Bars since 2009 (Warning: Automatic music playing website), and last year it was available throughout the fast food hungry countries of Norway, Sweden and Denmark.

I find it a bit strange that California didn't get to experience the California Whopper before the Scandinavians did. I'm not one for conspiracies, but it's as if the United States-based Burger King, wanted to knock Sweden and Denmark out of the Top 10 World's Healthiest Countries so that the United States, which is the 11th healthiest country in the world, can sneak into the top ten.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

But, of course, a conspiracy to get the United States to move into the top 10 healthiest countries in the world can't be true. Besides, the Burger King California Whopper is now available to all Americans, so just like a person who ate a large-sized Burger King Whopper value meal, the United States won't be moving anywhere anytime soon.

To make a California Whopper, Burger King takes their regular Whopper; leaves out the ketchup, pickles, and onions; and replaces them with bacon, swiss cheese, and guacamole. The green Mexican dip made from avocados is the only ingredient that allows this burger to be called the California Whopper.

At first, I thought it's called the California Whopper because guacamole is Mexican and there are a lot of Mexicans in California. But then I realized that might be a little racist. Thankfully, I found out California produces 95 percent of the country's avocados and Fallbrook, California claims itself to be the "Avocado Capital of the World." So the avocados in the guacamole is the reason why it's called the California Whopper.

As for the amount of guacamole in the California Whopper, there's a lot of it. So much so that if Ghostbusters 3 ever comes to fruition, Burger King should do a movie tie-in using the California Whopper, but renaming it to the Ecto Whopper, because with the amount of guacamole it has, it looks like it's been slimed. But despite it oozing guacamole everywhere, its flavor is subdued enough that, at times, it's almost like I'm eating a regular Whopper.

Taco Bell makes a better tasting guacamole.

Shit. I never thought I'd type that sentence above EVER.

That's how little I think of Burger King's guacamole. When one makes a guacamole that's worse than Taco Bell's, they should be running towards the border and past it...so that they can learn how to make a better guacamole. Perhaps add some onion flavor. Or a little more salt. Or a little bit of spice.

I sound upset, because I am upset. I really wanted to love this burger, because I love guacamole. I wanted to get fat from this burger. I wanted my doctor to tell me I should stop eating them. I wanted it to be my only source of polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats, along with saturated and trans fats.

Not even the other ingredients in the burger help. The swiss cheese doesn't add anything. And the bacon is typical fast food bacon that, despite being called "crispy" in every promo, is never crispy and hardly brings any flavor. I really wish fast food companies would tinker with their bacon instead of their french fries.

Look, I know I just used the last 265 words to rant about the Burger King California Whopper, but I sort of liked it whenever I could taste a little guacamole. Do I feel like it could've been better? Oh, hell yes! But I also realize my expectations for it (Whopper = YUM! Guacamole = YUM! Whopper + Guacamole = YUM! YUM!) were probably too high and that I shouldn't expect Burger King to make a burger that moves me as much as the San Andreas Fault moves California.

  * **Item:** Burger King California Whopper
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 California Whopper – 820 calories, 500 calories from fat, 56 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1400 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $5.99 (sandwich only)
  * **Size:** 1 sandwich
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** I kind of liked it, but it could've been so much better. Smooth guacamole. Lots of guacamole. Flame-broiled patties. Avocados are a great source for poly- and monounsaturated fats. U-S-A!
  * **Cons:** Guacamole needed more flavor. Bacon was useless. Cheese was useless. Pricey for just the sandwich. Not being able to watch Ghostbusters 3. There's a guacamole worse than Taco Bell's. Saturated and trans fats negating the poly- and monounsaturated fats.
  * **Other California Whopper reviews:**

  * Tampa Bay Food Monster
  * Grub Grade
  * Fat Guy Food Blog

## BK Fire-Grilled Ribs

Burger King has ribs now! Is that the appropriate level of excitement? I can't tell, because The King has given me no direction on how to feel about his new ribs. I look to fast food restaurants' media and marketing departments to tell me how I should feel about their food, and there is absolutely no information about the ribs on their website. Usually, companies assault you with their new products on the front page of their sites, making sure you know damn well that there's a new product and _you're going to love it_. I couldn't even find the nutritional information on the ribs. I had to find that through other, _nefarious_ means. Is Burger King trying to hide them? Should I be worried?

I'm glad I called my local BK earlier to make sure they were carrying the ribs, because, again, there was no indication of their existence at the restaurant. No big pictures on the drive-thru menu, no posters in the window...nothing. There is no way in the world for you to know these ribs exist, unless you stumbled upon a news story about them on the Internet. (Or the editor of the website you review for told you about them.) I felt like I was in on some sort of secret, like In-N-Out's not-so-secret secret menu.

I don't even actually know what these things are officially called. The box says, "Straight from the grill", but there's no name on it. The side of the box at least has little pictures of ribs on it, so at least I know I've got the right product.

Edit: The Internet just told me they're called BK Fire-Grilled Ribs. Mystery solved.

According to the box, you can get either six or eight pieces, but my secret nutritional information source says that you can also get a three-piece box. Who knows? Burger King certainly isn't going to tell me. And that creepy King never talks, so he's of no help. Yeah, you just keep standing over there with your arms crossed, The King. Looking all creepy and smug, knowing that nobody knows a damn thing about your ribs.

I dunno about these guys. They look kind of weird. And . . . burned. There is a pleasant smell of grilled meat faintly wafting from the box, but it does smell a little like what happened when I tried to use a grill once. Considering I once managed to ruin a package of ramen, I think you see where I'm going with this.

These certainly don't look like any ribs I've ever seen before. I guess they're supposed to be short ribs? Hey, wait, is that...is that a bone I see? Oh, these are _actual ribs_! Up to this point, I thought they were just going to be strange and boneless, like that mutant piece of meat on the McRib. Burger King copies all of McDonald's other ideas, so I just figured this would be more of the same. Good thing I noticed the bones before I bit into them. That could have gone poorly.

They look mostly like seriously failed chicken wings. Or perhaps the severed limbs of infant burn victims? Okay, that's just tasteless. C'mon now. Seriously though, it looks like a Chihuahua caught on fire in the Burger King parking lot and they decided to call it a "happy accident." I mean, I'm not a rib expert, but these just don't look right.

They don't taste right, either. The first one I tried was dry and terribly burned. The second one was moist, and by that I mean greasy, and burned. And that's pretty much the story for the rest of the box. The few moist bites I got showed that the meat closest to the bone had some good flavor and texture, but there wasn't much of that on those little ribs. One person on the Internet noted that they got barbecue sauce with theirs, so I made sure to ask for some at the window. The King's serf assured me that it was in the bag. It was not in the bag.

The ribs seemed like they didn't have any seasoning on them, unless you count "burned" as a seasoning. If I've learned anything from Bobby Flay, besides the fact that you can cook _anything_ on a grill (I think I saw him make a bowl of Frosted Flakes on there once), it's that your ribs need to be properly seasoned, whether that's with a dry rub or a wet one. If I've learned anything from the various barbecue shows I've seen on the Travel Channel, the nation is polarized between wet and dry rubs, but I'm pretty sure they'd all agree that a naked rib is a no-no.

Honestly though, any seasoning they might have applied to it would have been overpowered by the taste of charred flesh. The flavor stayed in my mouth long after I'd finished the ribs, leaving me feeling like I'd just eaten a box full of the remains of someone's tragic house fire. No amount of barbecue sauce is going to cover that up. Speaking of covering up, I see now why Burger King is keeping these ribs under wraps. These ribs just ain't right.

  * **Item:** BK Fire-Grilled Ribs
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 6 ribs — 450 calories, 33 grams of total fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,290 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars and 35 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $5.69
  * **Size:** 6 ribs
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 3 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Some meat was moist. Feeling like part of a secret club. Actual meat on a bone and not fake, formed ribs. Getting to call a Burger King employee a serf.
  * **Cons:** Charred as all get-out. The King, being smug and creepy. Lots of dry meat. Making infant burn victim jokes. Charcoals-in-my-mouth taste will not leave.
  * **Here are other BK Fire-Grilled Rib reviews:**

  * Brand Eating
  * Everyview
  * Hamburger Calculus
  * Wandering Foodie
  * Mishen's Fast Food Reviews

## Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks

Thank goodness for carnivals and circuses.

They give us the opportunity to consume foods we normal wouldn't eat anywhere else, like cotton candy; something deep fried that shouldn't have been, like a Snickers, Oreo or Twinkie; and you can eat funnel cake, which has a shape and look that makes it appear to be poop that got snowed on.

Carnivals also allow you to upchuck those foods, thanks to rides with names like "The Zipper," "Gravitron," "Twister," "Tilt-A-Whirl" and the appropriately named, "Vomit Comet."

Like beauty and the fame from being the first person booted off of a reality show, getting to enjoy carnival food is fleeting, unless you're a carny or follow the carnival from town to town, sort of like an overweight Deadhead, except a carnival follower's munchies aren't caused by smoking weed.

Sure you could make your own funnel cake, but you know it won't be as good as the stuff at the carnival, because you lack carny magic. If you're hoping the new Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks are a good substitute for carnival funnel cake, think again . . . or think about growing a long beard, if you're a woman, or working on your throwing accuracy with knives so that you can have your own tent to show off your freakish beard or pinpoint knife flinging.

The BK Funnel Cake Sticks come with nine pieces and a container of white icing dipping sauce. Each stick is 3.5 inches long, is covered in powdered sugar and has almost the same consistency as Burger King french fries — a slightly crunchy outside and soft inside.

The funnel cake sticks without the icing didn't have much flavor, unless you count greasiness and my salty tears of disappointment. It didn't remind me of funnel cake, instead it reminded me that I don't really care for what Burger King produces in deep fried stick form, like their french fries and Chicken Fries.

Not even the container of icing helped make it sweeter and taste better because it just couldn't subdue the greasiness. Adding more sugar might improve it. Or maybe casting some carny magic.

  * **Item:** Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 9 sticks – 300 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 30 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.49
  * **Size:** 9 sticks
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 3 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Comes with 9 sticks. Crunchy outside, soft inside. No trans fat. Comes in a convenient box that hold the sticks and dipping icing. Carnival rides. Carny magic.
  * **Cons:** Really greasy flavor. Didn't remind me of funnel cake. Icing didn't help with the greasy flavor. The Vomit Comet. How quickly people forget the first person kicked off of a reality show. Fried Twinkie/Oreo/Snickers. Carnival rides after eating carnival food.

## Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake

I wanted to use the festive-looking Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake as my birthday cupcake replacement, but it probably wouldn't have been suitable.

Because by the time someone lit the candle and everyone finished singing "Happy Birthday" to me in English and Japanese, while holding sparklers, the candle probably would have melted through the whipped cream and sprinkles and then extinguished itself in the ice cream.

Also, since I wouldn't have blown out the candle, my wish for either world peace or the 2010 Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year to be "redonkidonkulous" wouldn't come true.

By the way, "redonkidonkulous" is used to describe how ridiculous it is to use the word "redonkulous" all the time.

Like all fast food milkshakes, the Cup Cake Sundae Shake is high in saturated fat and sugar, which means, if you have children and want to lower their weight and your electricity bill, just get a hamster wheel that your child can fit in, connect it to something that can convert the motion of the wheel into electricity and let the dozens of grams of carbohydrates and sugar power your child as they provide energy for your home by making the hamster wheel move and a brisk, consistent pace.

The milkshake really did taste like a cupcake, thanks to the yellow cake-flavored ice cream. It looked and tasted like I was eating yellow cake batter, except without the possibility of getting salmonella or getting my tongue stuck in a hand mixer. It also almost tastes like egg nog ice cream. The milkshake was really good and brought back memories of those days when my classmates would call me "Cupcake Face," not because I ate a lot of cupcakes, but because when I put a rain hat my head, it would look like an upside down cupcake, thanks to my chubby cheeks and lack of a hamster wheel for me to get some exercise.

The whipped cream and candy sprinkles didn't add much flavor, but it did make it look prettier, like normal clothing does with Lady Gaga. The sprinkles did end up getting stuck on my molars, but since I didn't brush my teeth right after consuming it, I got a little treat about 20 minutes later.

Overall, the Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake was a pleasant treat, and if it could hold a candle without melting the dessert, I would blow it out and wish for it to come back again.

(NOTE: Thanks to TIB reader Nadia for suggesting the Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake. Also, here's another review of it from The Ridiculous Food Society of Upstate New York.)

  * **Item:** Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 22 ounces – 680 calories, 25 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 330 milligrams of sodium, 115 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 103 grams of sugar and 10 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.89
  * **Size:** Small
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Tastes like a cupcake. Also kind of reminds me of egg nog ice cream. Looks like yellow cake batter. Comes with a fat ass straw. Candy sprinkles made it look pretty. Hamster wheels for children to power your home. Lady Gaga with normal clothes.
  * **Cons:** Whipped cream and candy sprinkles didn't add flavor. Not wise to eat with a value meal from Burger King, unless you love being overweight. Candy sprinkles got stuck in my molars. My head in a rain hat. Lady Gaga with whatever she usually wears. Excessive use of the word "redonkulous."

## Angry Whopper

With the name Angry Whopper, you would expect this burger to be one spicy mofo that burns

worse than the penis of a 1980′s rocker who's conquered way too many groupies. However, despite containing jalapeno slices, pepper jack cheese, spicy onion rings, and a spicy Angry Sauce, the Angry Whopper produced just a whimper.

The only anger I get from the Angry Whopper is the anger I feel for it not being spicy enough. The red Angry Sauce was more peppery than spicy, the onion rings tasted normal, and the pepper jack cheese produced jack shit in terms of spiciness. The pickled jalapeno was the only ingredient that produced any spicy heat.

On an angry scale of one to ten, with ten being Naomi Campbell beating your ass with a cell phone for not ensuring her Starbucks order was at her desired temperature of 63-degrees Celcius and one being an even-toned "I'm disappointed in you" from your laid back parents who don't really believe in discipline, the Angry Whopper was a three, or a quick Three Stooges-esque slap to the head.

The Angry Whopper may not be able to burn Satan's mouth or my own, but it's damn tasty. The two ingredients that made me kind of forget about this burger's lack of heat was the tangy Angry Sauce and the smokey bacon, both of which turned this burger into one delicious mamma jamma. It's so good that if a Whopper Virgin were to eat this burger, they would love how tight it is and become a huge Whopper slut.

  * **Item:** Angry Whopper
  * **Nutrition Facts** : 1 burger – 880 calories, 55 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1670 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 37 grams of protein, and minutes of regret.
  * **Price:** $5.29
  * **Size:** 321 grams
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Very tasty. Angry Sauce was really good. Bacon. Best name for a Whopper spinoff EVER. Groupies.
  * **Cons:** Not very angry (spicy). Pricey. An insane amount of sodium. Getting beat down by a skinny supermodel with anger management problems. Parents who don't believe in discipline. A burning penis.

## Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt

The new Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt is so greasy that if I wanted to experience puberty all over again and have my face break out into pimples, I would rub my face liberally with this burger.

I know what you're thinking, pretty much all fast food burgers are greasy, but I felt this limited time only burger was so greasy that if I were in prison and the burger was a bar of soap, I would feel the need to tie a rope around it.

So what makes the Bacon Double Homestyle Melt so greasy?

It's the Killer Bs: bacon, burger, and butter. It's got slices of crispy bacon, three slices of Swiss cheese, two flame-broiled hamburger patties, and a creamy garlic cheese sauce all between a buttery flat bun. It was probably the buttery bread that made this burger seem almost as greasy as two used car salesmen in a bikini baby oil wrestling match.

The bread portion of the burger didn't have enough butter to make Food Network personality Paula Deen cream in her pants, but there's enough to make my hands just as greasy as the hands of the hairstylist for _The Sopranos_.

On paper, the Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt looked like a really good burger, but unfortunately the grease from the burger soaked the paper and it fell through.

The burger was small — a little bit bigger than a Whopper Jr. — and I wondered if to compensate for its size, it drove either a Corvette or an Escalade. I thought the creamy garlic cheese sauce would be as artery-hardening good as it sounds, but the garlic was either very faint or non-existent in all of the bites I took, which again wasn't many, since the burger was Lilliputian in size.

The combination of meat, bacon, and cheese is a great foundation for a burger, which the Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt had, but its weak sauce and buttery bun cracked through that foundation. I thought about risking diabetes, heart disease, and the sight of my penis to try another, but in the end I was all greased out.

  * **Item:** Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt
  * **Nutrition Facts** : 810 calories, 58 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 1370 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 39 grams of protein, 10% Vitamin A, 35% Calcium, 25% Iron, and 25 grams of bigassness.
  * **Price:** $5.49 (Value Meal)
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 2 out of 5
  * **Pros:** Lots of protein. Lots of grease...if you love grease. Lots of sodium...if you love heart disease. Meat, cheese, and bacon is a good burger foundation.
  * **Cons:** Small burger. Seems extremely greasy. Couldn't really taste the creamy garlic cheese sauce. Buttery bun made the burger even less enjoyable. Paula Deen creaming in her pants.

## Burger King Quad Stacker

One of the goals in my life is to be a speaker at a high school graduation. I don't know how I'm going to do it or why anyone would invite me to speak, but I want it to happen. So in preparation of this goal, I wrote the speech I would present to some graduating class, and I'd like to share it with all of you.

"I'd like to thank the graduating seniors for inviting me today. I'm honored to be here at some high school that I didn't attend, but rest assured if I did go to this school, I would be the one all of you would ignore, beat up, or steal lunch money from.

Students from the Class of (Insert Class Year Here), I'm here to talk to you about goals. It's something you probably have on your mind as most of you make your way to college or into the work force. Hopefully, my words here today will inspire, but if not that, I hope that you get a good nap from it, much like I did while attempting to listen to the guest speaker at my high school graduation.

I believe there are pillows under your chairs. You may take them out now. Remember, no drooling on the shoulder of the person next to you.

Remember when you were little and people asked what you wanted to be when you grow up. You all probably said occupations like police officer, doctor, lawyer, fireman, astronaut, and pizza delivery guy. But if you think about it, you were kind of forced to say these things because you didn't really know of any other occupations out there, like data entry clerk, account executive, financial planner, or whatever people do on the TV show America's Got Talent. Sure you also could've said teacher, but even at a young age, you all knew that teachers are overworked and underpaid.

Now that you're older and wiser, most of you realize how crazy it was to consider being any of those things. Becoming a doctor or lawyer means more years of school and large college loans. Becoming a police officer isn't as fun as any of the Police Academy movies. Finally, becoming a pizza delivery guy isn't as glamorous as what was shown on your friend's videotape, which he stole from his dad's hidden video collection.

However, there are some of you who aspire to do things that are greater than what you are capable of. One of you probably wants to become a neurosurgeon, but unfortunately lack the hand dexterity and steadiness needed for the job, which was probably lost after taking too many spills on your Rollerblades without wrist guards. Another one of you may have dreams of become a Broadway dancer, but lack the rhythm, flexibility, stage presence, and high leg kick to do so.

Since you lack the skills necessary to do those things, you probably think that hard work and perseverance may help you reach your goals, but as someone older than you and someone who has gained some sort of success, since I'm speaking in front of you today, I'm here to tell you that you should really just settle for something else.

Don't feel sad about settling, there is absolutely no shame in doing so...Unless your parents live vicariously through you, then you'll probably feel guilt for the rest of your life. But you shouldn't think of settling as giving up, you should think of it as Plan B.

For that person who wants to be a neurosurgeon, settle for being a psychologist instead. You still get to cut open the heads of patients, except instead of saws and scalpels, you will use phrases like "How does that make you feel?" and "What do the voices in your head say?" to look inside people's heads.

As for the Broadway dancer wannabe, I'd suggest you settle for becoming a stripper. You still get to dance, the pay is usually better, and I believe you can write off breast implants as a tax deduction.

Personally, I've had to settle for many things. For example, I wanted a Lexus, but had to settle for a Toyota Corolla, due to not being able to pay the $800 monthly loan payments. I've also wanted to date Winona Ryder, but instead had to settle for ANY woman who wouldn't say "no" to me, but I wasn't successful with that either, so I just settled for ANYTHING with legs.

I've also had to settle for a Burger King Quad Stacker instead of a Hardee's Monster Thickburger.

Instead of the 1,410 calories, 107 grams of fat, 45 grams of saturated fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,740 milligrams of sodium from the Hardee's Monster Thickburger, I had to settle for the 1,000 calories, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,800 milligrams of sodium in the Burger King Quad Stacker.

It totally feels like wanting the homecoming queen, but instead ending up with one of the other members of the homecoming court. It may seem like I totally regret settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker, but let me tell you, I am content with my decision.

Sure the Burger King Quad Stacker's four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, eight strips of bacon, BK Stacker Sauce, and sesame seed bun may not seem heavy at 311 grams, compared with the 413-gram Hardee's Monster Thickburger, but as all women know, size doesn't matter.

I believe I made the right decision in settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker.

Sure there's really nothing special about its taste, because it tastes like any other bacon cheeseburger out there, but sometimes it's not the taste that really matters, it's the fact that there are four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, and EIGHT strips of bacon.

So I hope I've made you all realize that settling is okay. Just as long as you don't look back and think 'What if?'

Thank you."

(Editor's Note: I originally read about the BK Stackers at Fast Food News.)

  * **Item:** Burger King Quad Stacker
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1,000 calories, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,800 milligrams of sodium
  * **Price:** $4.49 (sandwich only)
  * **Purchased at:** Burger King
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Settling. It tastes like any old bacon cheeseburger, except four times bigger. Perfect if you HATE veggies, LOVE meat, or enjoy a little bread. Lots of protein (62 grams). My dream of speaking at a high school graduation. Anything with legs.
  * **Cons:** A tall sandwich, but not wide. It's not a Hardee's Monster Thickburger, but that's okay and I'm content with settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker. Being a police officer is nothing like the Police Academy movies.

* * *

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Taco Bell

IV.

Taco Bell

## Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco

I imagine the executives in the Taco Bell wing of Yum! Brands sitting in their secret think tank. The foreboding hidden base is heavily fortified by seven layers of sour cream, guacamole, seasoned rice, beans, cheese, and tomatoes. Security guards armed with squirt bottles filled with "Fire" sauce ready to squeeze into the face of any unwelcome visitors.

Preening and fretting in their dark tailored suits, the executives were going over the 3rd quarter sales while trying to figure out the next big thing. "We need something that will put us at the Gorditop!" shouted Mr. CEO. "We need the public to get Chalupexcited again!!"

"I sure love Doritos," said Executive One as he mowed in such sloppy fashion, leaving orange fingerprints on the papers he shuffled. Narrowing his eyes, Executive Three had an idea. She scribbled her notes in a frantic manner as everyone at the long conference table stared at her.

While clearing her throat, she asked, "What if we joined with Frito-Lay and asked them to make a big ass Doritos taco shell?" The silence was uncomfortable as everyone's eyes now laid on Mr. CEO. More awkward silence and Executive Three began to wonder if the position at Taco Viva was still available.

"Get me Frito-Lay!" Mr. CEO gruffly said into the intercom. "And give Executive Three the keycard to the grand executive bathroom with the chaise lounge! Begin phase one of our Meximeltamaster plan!" (Cue brooding evil music)

That is how I imagine the origins of the Doritos Locos Tacos began, but I am sure that it is much more mundane. I love Taco Bell. I love Doritos. Not since the team up of Marvel and DC comics in the late 90's where they gave birth to joint character, "Access", have I been looking forward to a shared creation.

Taco Bell and Frito-Lay should be commended. I am sure amongst the egos, logistics, and red tape; both companies eloquently persevered through all of it. And unlike the maligned superhero "Access", I suspect that this product will prove to be popular with the consumers out there. I mean it's a freaking taco with a nacho cheese Doritos shell. Gluttony be damned, this thing is tasty to put it directly.

Now we all know that Taco Bell has recently encountered controversy whether the beef is real. Coupled with the "pink slime" stories making the rounds at news outlets, some of you may still be put off by the idea. Look it's Taco Bell, it's the handjobs of food. We're not talking about a meal worthy of Michelin stars or a dissertation of what the "chef" thought about when creating this. It's Taco Bell and if you don't like at least one item from the dependable Bell, you have no soul.

Excited I rode my scooter up to the drive-thru and bought the handy Doritos Locos Tacos big box. Each kit contains a burrito supreme, normal taco and a Doritos Locos taco (sauce packets not included so get out of your introverted shell and ask). By the way, is it me or don't you love the way they are simplifying things and just handing you a box?

Anyhoolies, the Doritos Locos Taco is basically a taco supreme dressed up in a giant Doritos chip. It's akin to exchanging your shorts and Stereolab t-shirt for a pair of Banana Republic boot cut jeans and a black blazer. So if you do not like Taco Bell or their taco (you soulless bastard) then this item is not going to persuade you to turn.

The wrapping of the taco is decorated with bold typeface proclaiming things such as "Awesome!" and "Doritos!" It put a tingle in my reconstructed metal reinforced spine. Tossing the paper, I am greeted by the smells of alpha male beefiness that is tempered by the crisp scent of lettuce. My urge to ravish this taco was uncontrollable but first I had to remove the additional wrap that said "Taco Bell on the inside. Doritos on the outside." Yes, voice in my head, I will do your bidding.

The richness of the beef in the taco sauce balanced extremely well with the generous amount of crunchy shreds of lettuce. The tomato bits were slightly sweet and added a necessary acidic touch. Additionally the cold milky sour cream is pleasant with the warm taco meat. I don't know if it is real sour cream or something made in the back with powder, Taco Bell's sour cream is aces. If I could buy the sour cream, I would and brush my teeth with it.

The cheddar cheese scattered in the taco didn't really do much for me on its own. It was on the lettuce so it's not melted and the bits are so thin, it was almost flavorless. A taco, however, is a complete package. Unless you are psychopath, no one deconstructs a taco and eats each part separately. The cheese makes its personality known when you eat everything as a whole, as it accentuated the creaminess in texture.

Be careful, my taco fell apart after a couple of bites. Sometimes the sauce will soak through the shell and the end result is messy. The filling slathered my hands like the worst but most delicious lotion ever.

The nacho cheese Doritos shell adds a slight punch of saltiness to the taco that gives it a satisfying full mouth flavor. The shell alone has a slight smoky flavor that lends well to the taco. This is not a gimmick alone, the shell makes a difference. The shades of salt and vinegar from the nacho Doritos shell compliment the taco very well.

I bought the taco twice from two different Taco Bell locations to ensure consistency and taste. They were both identical and damn yummy. One notable drawback is if you wait too long to eat the taco, it will get soggy within its package. That's not the fault of Taco Bell, it is only natural that occurs.

I believe these should be available at Taco Bell's near you as most of the ones around me carry it. The Doritos Locos Taco is pure sadomasochistic joy joy for your tongue. The wrapper says "Celebrate Awesomeness" and yes, every time you bite into one of these you are doing just that.

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco
  * **Nutrition facts:** 1 taco – 200 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, and 9 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $1.79 just for the taco or $5.00 for the box (which includes a normal taco and burrito supreme)
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased:** Taco Bell
  * **Rating:** 9 out of 10
  * **Pros:** The Doritos shell adds depth and flavor. It's Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you like them. Great texture. All the tastes balance extremely well. Gimmick or not, this taco is delicious. Darkclaw.
  * **Cons:** Soggy if you don't eat it right away. It's Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you do not like them. Unhealthy but you have to live once in a while. Falls apart at times. Access.
  * **Other Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco reviews:**

  * Tampa Bay Food Monster
  * That Bootleg Guy
  * The Smidview
  * An Immovable Feast

## Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack

You know how you're not supposed to play with food? Well, how the hell can I contain myself from playing with the Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack? Its flatness makes me want to bust out my die-cast toy planes and turn it into an aircraft carrier called the USS TSS (Triple Steak Stack).

Also, because it's flat and has a light exterior, I want to pretend its Barbie's waif Russian supermodel friend, Katherina, who likes to go shopping with Barbie during the day, but is a secret KGB spy at night.

The list of ingredients for Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack isn't very long, although, because I feel sorry for its lack of ingredients, I'm going to try to make it look longer than it really is by using the power of unnecessary words. The Triple Steak Stack contains a triple serving of marinated steak and a triple cheese blend of low moisture part skim mozzarella cheese, pasteurized process Monterey Jack cheese, and American cheese in between a nine-inch bolillo flatbread.

With a limited number of ingredients, I expected Taco Bell's newest addition to be bland, and it turns out I was correct. Taco Bell's "improved" steak may be an upgrade over what they used to serve, but it still tastes like cheap meat. How cheap? It tastes like the roast beef and gravy from a 99-cent frozen meal. However, that cheap meat was tender and the triple serving of steak was enough to nicely fill the nine-inch flatbread.

The cheese just lies there like its Jabba the Hut after being choked by Princess Leia and it adds almost nothing to the Triple Steak Stack's flavor. Speaking of things that don't have much flavor, the bolillo flatbread was not only quite bland, it was also not sturdy enough to handle the amount of steak in it. The soft, but thick flatbread easily fell apart while I ate it.

If you're going to eat the Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack, might I suggest asking for extra Taco Bell sauce packets on top of the handful they already give you, because you're going to need a lot of sauce to cover the taste of the cheap meat and to spread across the nine-inch flatbread. I'd also suggest taking more money than you usually do when visiting Taco Bell. Five bucks will usually get you a full Taco Bell meal, but that same five dollars will get you only one Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack.

WATCH: "REVIEW: TACO BELL TRIPLE STEAK STACK" | THE IMPULSIVE BUY

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 690 calories, 120 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,950 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 46 grams of protein.)
  * **Price:** $6.49 ($4.99 at most locations)
  * **Purchased at:** Taco Bell
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** It's long. Lots of tender marinated steak. Awesome source of protein. Makes me want to play with my food.
  * **Cons:** Bland. Pricey. Steak tastes cheap. Cheese and flatbread bring very little flavor. Going to need a lot of Taco Bell sauce packets to give it some flavor. Flatbread not sturdy enough to handle the steak in it.
  * **Other Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack reviews:**

  * Smidview
  * Grub Grade

## Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco

I wanted to ask the slightly above minimum wage earning person behind the Taco Bell counter if I could buy a large container of their nacho cheese sauce.

I didn't ask because I wanted to be a dick, I asked because if all it takes is their nacho cheese sauce to magically come up with new menu items, like turning their Double Decker Taco into a Cheesy Double Decker Taco, then I'd rather to do it myself. I could also use it as a prop to act out what I imagine the Taco Bell new product brainstorming session was like when the Cheesy Double Decker Taco was created.

**Taco Bell Executive #1:** We need a new product for next month and I need it right now. And I need it to be good.

(Rumbling among the other executives)

**Taco Bell Executive #2:** How about we offer the Crunchwrap Sandwich, which has a generous helping of seasoned carne asada steak, sour cream, and refried beans in between two Crunchwraps The tagline for it can be, "Your mind has to wrap around it before your mouth does."

**Taco Bell Executive #1:** That's a horrible idea. Are you trying to kill our customers? Let me ask, are you high right now?

**Taco Bell Executive #2:** Maybe.

(Taco Bell Executive #2 giggles)

**Taco Bell Executive #3:** I got it. Since we've done a red taco shell and a black taco shell, how about we make a blue taco shell and use it for a shrimp taco. It'll look like the shrimp are swimming in water.

**Taco Bell Executive #1:** Really? Lemme guess. You just watched _Avatar_ again, and you're probably high too?

**Taco Bell Executive #3:** Maybe.

(Taco Bell Executive #3 giggles and then high fives Taco Bell Executive #2)

**Taco Bell Chihuahua:** Yo quiero Milkbone Crunchwrap Supreme.

**Taco Bell Executive #1:** NO!

**Taco Bell Bell:** DONG!

**Taco Bell Executive #1:** NO!

(Taco Bell Executive #1 rolls her eyes.)

**Taco Bell Executive #1:** All right. We've got a lot of this nacho cheese sauce, so let's just squirt some of it into our Double Decker Taco and call it the Cheesy Double Decker Taco. Are you all okay with that?

(Other Taco Bell executives nod to approve)

**Taco Bell Executive #1:** Good.

Taco Bell's original Double Decker Taco is my favorite Taco Bell menu item and was the number one cause for my Freshman fifteen in college. The combination of a warm, soft flour tortilla, filled with refried beans, wrapped around a taco that contains seasoned beef, shredded cheddar cheese, and shredded lettuce gets my heart to beat quickly, although that could just be from the sodium. Combining the nacho cheese sauce with the refried beans obviously adds a lot more cheesiness, and that was nice. However, I didn't find it to be better than the original, but I did think it's just as tasty as a regular Double Decker Taco.

While I didn't think the nacho cheese sauce makes it better, I do think it makes it several times messier than the original Double Decker. Alone, the viscosity of the refried beans is high, but when combined with the nacho cheese sauce, it significantly lowers it, causing refried beans and cheese sauce to ooze out from in between the taco shell and tortilla when you bite into it. If you're eating the taco with the wrapping it came in below you, you'll find yourself scooping up escaped refried beans and cheese from it.

Overall, I liked the Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco, but that's mostly because of my love for the original. Sure, it's not very inventive and a monkey with a picture book of ingredients could develop something better, but if you think about it, it's what we expect from Taco Bell. Personally, I think not straying too far creatively is the reason why when they introduce something a little more outside of the box, perhaps a blue shell taco, it blows our minds a little

more than it should.

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco
  * **Nutrition Facts** : 1 taco – 350 calories, 15 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 760 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $1.49
  * **Size:** 1 taco
  * **Purchased at:** Taco Bell
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Just as good as a Double Decker Taco. Nacho cheese sauce brings on the cheesy. Provides 8 grams of fiber — thanks beans! I <3 Double Decker Tacos. Pretending to hold a Taco Bell new product brainstorming session.
  * **Cons:** Nacho cheese sauce makes it messier than a regular Double Decker Taco. Not inventive. A monkey with a picture book of ingredients could come up with something better.
  * **Other Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco reviews:**

  * We Rate Stuff
  * Smidview
  * Random Dude Eats Random Food

## Taco Bell XXL Chalupa, Fire-Roasted Border Salsa and Verde Border Salsa

**XXL Chalupa**

Described by Taco Bell's website as "A double-sized Chalupa shell packed with seasoned ground beef, crispy lettuce, tomatoes, real cheddar cheese and nacho cheese sauce, red strips and topped with reduced fat sour cream," the XXL Chalupa flies in the face of common sense and the recommendations of any nutritionist. Weighing in at 266 grams, the XXL Chalupa is 57.5% larger than the original Chalupa. I have this delightful mental image of Jillian Michaels screaming at the XXL Chalupa with all the rage she can muster, which, if _The Biggest Loser_ is any indication, is a _lot_ of rage.

I also like the inclusion of "reduced fat sour cream." That has to be a little wink-wink nudge-nudge from Taco Bell to us, right? It's like they're saying, "C'mon, we know you're going to order a Diet Coke to go along with this monstrosity." Taco Bell has their finger on the erratic

pulse of their clientele.

I certainly did not expect to be handed a giant box when I ordered my XXL Chalupa, but that is what I got. I'm not sure the box was _entirely_ necessary; they probably could have wrapped it up pretty snug, but it's smart from a marketing standpoint. I felt like I'd just purchased something with real heft. An _event_ , not just a taco.

It does not fail to impress upon opening the box, either. The XXL Chalupa actually has sides that curve up to keep all of its innards from spilling out like a teenager in a horror movie who just got eviscerated because he had sex with his girlfriend. Poor guy, he just wanted a little action. In a barn. In the middle of nowhere. With a crazy serial killer on the loose. I mean c'mon, he's got his priorities in order.

As you can see, my chalupa had a containment breach, and all the sour cream on my XXL Chalupa was globbed onto one side, half of it not inside the taco. Whatever, it happens. You roll the dice when you get fast food; you're lucky if you actually get what you ordered, and you're lucky if all the ingredients are distributed properly. That is just the way of things.

The shell was crispy and fried to perfection. It seemed more deep-fried than a normal Chalupa; it actually reminded me strongly of frybread, which is definitely a good thing. There was just the right amount of Taco Bell's mystery ground beef and nacho cheese sauce. I think the addition of the nacho cheese really stepped up the flavor. It also had shredded cheese, but I always found the shredded cheese on fast food tacos to be weak and almost flavorless. Nacho cheese all the way.

The lettuce was nice and crunchy and the tomatoes were tasty and fresh. Unfortunately, the red strips were buried between the ground beef and the rest of the toppings, resulting in soggy tortilla that added no flavor to the party. I topped one half of my XXL Chalupa with Fire-Roasted Salsa and the other with Salsa Verde, but we'll get into those later, as I want them to get their own time in the spotlight. I will say, however, that both worked nicely on the taco.

Overall, I really enjoyed the XXL Chalupa. I challenged myself to finish the whole thing, and much to my disbelief, I actually did it! And then I felt miserable for two hours afterward. And I still have heartburn. I think I covered my second, third, and fourthmeal. But it was worth it! I may have a dainty feminine appetite, but I think even a big guy with a big appetite would feel satisfied with the XXL Chalupa. There's no actual new ingredients here, but the amount of them in the taco is impressive. You'll find the contents of a regular taco to be severely anemic after eating the XXL Chalupa. You'll also need at least two napkins while the turned up sides do help a little, this is something you certainly wouldn't want to eat while driving.

Now then, to the Border Salsas!

I have always enjoyed Taco Bell's Border Sauces. I love condiments in general, (I even had a shirt with a mustard packet on it from the now-defunct Condiment Packet Museum that I wore _in public_ ) but for some reason, Border Sauces were always my favorite. Mild, Hot, Fire, it didn't matter. As a youth, I would just rip them open and empty the entire contents of the packet into my mouth. In hindsight, putting a sauce packet to my lips was not the most sanitary thing in the world, but, considering the strange things I ate as a child, I've probably put worse things in my mouth.

No comments from the peanut gallery, please.

So you can see why I was excited when Taco Bell announced two new members of the family, Verde and Fire-Roasted Border Salsas. Note that these are _salsas_ , not _sauces_. Given, "salsa" is the Spanish word for "sauce," but I think most Americans associate "salsa" with the chunky dip, which makes me wonder if these new Border Salsas are going to be more chunky than the already existing Border Sauces.

**Fire-Roasted Border Salsa**

It may be hard to see in the picture, but there are lots of dark flecks in Fire-Roasted Border Salsa. I think those are supposed to represent the char you get when you actually roast tomatoes. I decided it would be a little more hygienic to squirt the salsas onto a plate instead of sucking the condiment straight out of the packet, and it definitely came out thicker than the three existing Border Sauces.

The flavor is surprisingly rich; it's got a sweet heat that isn't too spicy but sneaks up on you gradually. I could really taste the underlying tomato flavor, but it wasn't a cheap tomato-y flavor, like, say, ketchup. The vinegar complemented the rich flavor of the tomatoes. Fire-roasted tomatoes are actually the second ingredient listed, which means that rich flavor is genuine.

I have to say, I was quite pleasantly surprised by Fire-Roasted Border Salsa. The three existing Border Sauces: Mild, Hot, and Fire are pretty much just what they're called. "Generic hot sauce," not that I think there's anything wrong with that. But Fire-Roasted has a real _flavor_ , and while I have never allowed ketchup to enter my home, I wouldn't mind having a bottle of this around. It would be great on a hot dog. Actually, since I demanded a fistful of each of the new flavors, I could make that dream happen.

I also like the message on the packet!

**Verde Border Salsa**

You can see the flecks much more clearly in the Salsa Verde. They could be either green chile pepper or tomatillo, which are the second and third ingredients in this salsa. Again, it came out of the packet thicker than the Border Sauces, and again, it had a depth of flavor that they lack.

The vinegar plays well with the pepper and tomatillo flavors, too. However, unlike Fire-Roasted, Salsa Verde has more of a vinegar twang with the chile pepper for a mild spice, instead of the sweet/spice combination of the Fire-Roasted. The depth of flavor seems to come from the tomatillo, which tastes great, and also has a tartness that works with the vinegar. Interestingly, I have a feeling that many people in this country don't actually know what a tomatillo tastes like, which may leave them wondering what mysterious flavor is in this salsa. Kudos to Taco Bell for actually introducing people to an authentic Mexican flavor, for once!

Apparently, Taco Bell thinks "Spanish" is a synonym for "fancy." Those same people who have never eaten a tomatillo are the same people who will think this is true.

All in all, I loved both new Border Salsas and think Taco Bell really outdid themselves. If only they could put forth this kind of effort on all their new menu items. Between these and their Cantina Tacos, they seem to be heading in the right direction.

  * **Item:** Taco Bell XXL Chalupa, Fire-Roasted Border Salsa and Verde Border Salsa
  * **Nutrition Fact:** 1 taco (266 grams) – 650 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams total of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,300 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugars and 23 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.79 for the XXL Chalupa; both Border Salsas free
  * **Size:** 1 taco (266 grams); 2 salsa packets
  * **Purchased at:** Taco Bell
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10 (XXL Chalupa), 10 out of 10 (Fire-Roasted Border Salsa), 10 out of 10 (Verde Border Salsa)
  * **Pros:**

  * **XXL Chalupa** – Had tons of fillings. Frybread-like shell. Jillian Michaels screaming at a taco. Crisp, fresh toppings. Lots of nacho cheese sauce. The feeling of victory when I conquered the whole thing.
  * **Border Salsas** – Had lots of flavor depth. Actual fire-roasted tomatoes used in Fire-Roasted. Squirting Taco Bell sauce onto a hot dog. Little char flecks. Verde had great mix of twang and spice. Great tomatillo taste. Taco Bell teaching gringos about tomatillos.

  * **Cons:**

  * **XXL Chalupa** \- " Sour cream unevenly distributed. Fitting into an XXL shirt if I keep eating them. Can be quite messy. Unfair evisceration. Soggy red tortilla strips. Heartburn.
  * **Border Salsas** \- The fact that I can only get them at Taco Bell and not in gallon jars. Possibility of contracting infectious diseases by sucking on the packets. Gringos thinking "Spanish" and "fancy" mean the same thing. Ketchup.

## Taco Bell Cantina Tacos (Carnitas, Chicken and Steak)

When I saw that Taco Bell was going to start offering street-style tacos with their new line of Cantina Tacos, I immediately volunteered to be the test subject, er, reviewer – of this new product. I'm not trying to sound pretentious, but out of all of the esteemed TIB staff, I probably have the most experience in eating authentic Mexican cuisine. You can't throw a rock in my town without hitting a taqueria that looks like it was dropped straight outta Mexico. For you gringos out there who have no idea what a taqueria is, it's basically a small hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint offering super-authentic food. It may not be air-conditioned, it may look a little dingy, there might be some minor language barriers, but here you can find things like barbacoa (cow head meat) and lengua (cow tongue), offerings that I'm pretty sure you'll never see on Taco Bell's menu.

A brief explanation of what a street taco actually is: two small, soft corn tortillas (we're talking three or four bites, here) wrapped around chopped meat, which is then covered with fresh onions and cilantro. You can also top that with whatever salsa is available, if you like. That's it. There's no iceberg lettuce, no nacho cheese sauce, no sour cream. They are called street tacos because traditionally they are sold from carts on the streets of Mexico, like hot dog vendors in New York. They are fast, fresh, and small enough to devour in two minutes, perfect for a hungry pedestrian. Oh, right, and they are also delicious.

According to Taco Bell's press release, "'Our Cantina Tacos are based upon authentic-style Mexican street tacos, which are designed using simple, fresh ingredients, that customers regard as high quality,' said David Ovens, Chief Marketing Officer, Taco Bell Corp., Irvine, Calif." I'm not sure if the meat I get in a street taco from a taqueria would be considered "high-quality," but it certainly is tasty. I don't ask questions about where it comes from or what happens in the back alley after closing time. I just stuff the taco in my mouth and walk away.

Taco Bell is offering three different meats in their Cantina tacos: Premium Fire-Grilled Chicken, Premium Cut Carne Asada Steak or Carnitas Shredded Pork. I'll give "Carne Asada Steak" a pass, but saying "Carnitas Shredded Pork" is basically saying "Shredded Pork Shredded Pork." Someone alert the Department of Redundancy Department! I guess they are trying to save thousands of Midwestern Taco Bell employees from the task of explaining what carnitas are. I find it mildly insulting, but perhaps that's my Mexican food snobbery kicking in again.

Let's check these Cantina Tacos out, and see how many times I can insult the majority of the United States with my pretentiousness in one review.

Impressions on all three: The Cantina Tacos come wrapped in tin foil, which is how street tacos are originally sold. Unfortunately, they don't come labeled, so you'll have to check the innards to see which taco you're about to eat. As you peel back the top layer of foil, there's a little wedge of lime tucked securely into the bottom layer, which I found to be a clever bit of packaging. This could have been stolen wholesale from Mexican taco carts. I've somehow never made it south of the border. But my taqueria experience is solid, and they always offer lime wedges at the salsa bar. I've just never thought try lime on my tacos. I never thought Taco Bell would teach me to have a more authentic street taco experience. I'm a little embarrassed, actually.

Okay, now let's break these down separately.

**Carnitas Cantina Taco:**

Taco Bell's website describes these as: "Two freshly grilled, warm corn tortillas, filled with new slow-roasted carnitas shredded pork then topped off with freshly chopped onions and cilantro, and served with a freshly sliced lime wedge for a fresh, citrus burst of flavor."

I have to say, they aren't too far off the mark. The pork is surprisingly tender, flavorful, and practically dripping with delicious juices. The onions add a nice crunch, but lack the burst of flavor that fresh onions deliver. The cilantro was present, but doesn't really pop. I hate Taco Bell for making me sound like a judge on _Top Chef_.

The two tortillas holding the taco together were okay, but not exactly thrilling. They were soft and pliable, but could have used a little more time on the grill, or griddle, or whatever. Their flavor was that of a decent soft corn tortilla; however, that flavor kind of overwhelmed the flavor of the contents inside. I was left wishing I had about double the amount of filling that was present, especially since the meat was so juicy and tender.

The wedge of lime that came with my carnitas taco was disappointing. They claim that it was "freshly sliced," which is obviously not the case. I have drank my fair share of tequila with training wheels, and I know that a freshly sliced wedge of lime is shiny and slick with yummy citrus juices. The one that came tucked in this foil pouch had a dried skin over it, indicating that it had either been sitting out for quite a while or was even possibly pre-sliced at a different location. I was only able to get a few sad drips out of it that didn't really add anything to the taco.

This is something Taco Bell really should have been careful about, because it is one of their big selling points on the Cantina Tacos. Their commercial even has a lime wedge as their spokesfruit, touting the deliciousness of these tacos in a sexy Latino voice that belongs on the male protagonist of a telenovela. If you're going to put so much emphasis on the lime, you should really make it shine, and the one I got with this taco certainly didn't.

**Chicken Cantina Taco:**

Once more, from the mouth of Taco Bell: actually, all the descriptions are pretty much the same as the one above, so just replace " new slow-roasted carnitas shredded pork" with "marinated all-white meat chicken." Done and done.

This taco had lots more filling than the carnitas, which was good to see. The chicken was very tender, and I could see the coloring from the supposed marination on it, but not a lot of seasoning came through. That's okay though, because the meat had great texture, and the addition of more onion and cilantro really made them play well with the chicken.

This taco came with a much juicier lime, which allowed me to really get the whole street taco experience. I have to say, you wouldn't think a little bit of lime would do much, but the tartness of the citrus juice contrasts with the bold flavors of onion and cilantro, and it really makes a whole package that floods your mouth with saliva. Which sounds kind of gross when I put it that way. "It'll make ya mouth water!" I guess that works better.

The tortillas on my chicken Cantina Taco seemed to be a little better cooked, and because there was so much more filling than on the carnitas, the tortillas were able to take their proper place in the taco, adding more flavor instead of smothering the contents therein.

**Steak Cantina Taco:**

Taco Bell: "marinated steak." Okay then.

My steak Cantina Taco had lots of meaty bits in it, but the onion and cilantro were practically nonexistent, which made my face turn into a colon and "begin parentheses" sign. The steak was quite good, though. Taco Bell already offers several different products that contain steak, and I've always been impressed by the quality of the beef. You'd expect shoe leather from a Mexican fast food joint that sells something called a "Crunchwrap," but they usually deliver a tasty steak experience, and that doesn't differ in the case of this taco. The meat has a nice texture and you can definitely taste the marinade here, as opposed to the chicken.

While I was sad about the lack of toppings, I still managed to enjoy this taco because of the steak. I also got a lime that was middlin' juicy, which added a little extra flavor, but it was probably sad that it didn't have its friends to play with. Now I want to make a t-shirt design with a cartoon lime wedge, onion and bundle of cilantro all having a party and looking adorable. I'll submit it to Threadless. It's sure to be a hit.

Overall, Taco Bell's Cantina Tacos have their ups and downs, but all in all I'd say they're a fantastic addition to the fast food giant's menu. It seems like Taco Bell has been mixing around the same six ingredients to make "new" menu items for years now, so seeing such a stark departure from that is actually exciting. Would they hold up in a cart on the mean streets of Mexico or in a taquerÃa on the mean streets of Arizona? Eh, probably not. There's a serious inconsistency in the amount of filling and the onion and cilantro are chopped much smaller than I've ever seen in a street taco. I'd go so far as to even guess that Taco Bell gets them pre-chopped; they've got some flavor, but it seems more muted than what you'd get on a street taco, where the onion is chunky and bursting with flavor, and you can tell the cilantro was fresh and chopped by hand.

But this isn't about holding up to the standards of a good taqueria. This is about a fast food conglomerate dipping its toe into the waters of authentic Mexican food. Many of the people who try these tacos have no idea what a street taco even _is_ , and if you dropped them smack-dab in the middle of our friends to the south, they would probably try to order a Cantina Taco from a street cart. They might even be incensed that the vendor did not ask them which kind of Border sauce they would like with their order. And they would be laughed at, mercilessly.

So when it really comes down to it, I think Taco Bell did the best they could with their Cantina Tacos. Maybe the ingredients aren't straight-from-the-market fresh, but you've got to cut them some slack" they're a multimillion dollar corporation, not one old dude cooking the food he loves in the back of a hot little shack while his daughter takes orders up front. I think any gringo would find these tacos to be a refreshing change of pace and a new and unique flavor profile that they've never experienced. For that, Taco Bell gets great props from this reviewer, who is apparently the snobbiest Mexican food gringo in the world.

And hey, if Cantina Tacos really take off, maybe they'll start introducing lengua tacos! Take THAT, Iowa! (Sorry, I just had to get one last jab in. I have no beef with you, Iowa.)

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Cantina Tacos (Carnitas, Chicken, Steak)
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 taco (113 grams)

  * **Carnitas** \- 200 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams total of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars, 9 grams of protein
  * **Chicken** \- 170 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2.5 grams total of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars, 11 grams of protein
  * **Steak** \- 160 calories, 60 calories from fat, 2.5 grams total of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, 9 grams of protein.

  * **Price:** $2.79 for the CANTINA Tacos Bundle (2 tacos of choice), $1.49 for 1 taco
  * **Size:** 1 taco (113 grams)
  * **Purchased at:** Taco Bell
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10 (Carnitas), 7 out of 10 (Chicken), 7 out of 10 (Steak)
  * **Pros:** Total departure from the usual Taco Bell fare. Teaching gringos about street tacos. Tender meat. Learning that lime juice makes a street taco even better. "Spokesfruit." Cilantro is yummy. Adorable cartoon food.
  * **Cons:** Uneven distribution of fillings. _Top Chef_ foodie terminology. Lime wedges were not fresh. Looking like a snob on the Internet. Genetic predisposition that makes some people think cilantro tastes like soap.

## Taco Bell Salsa Roja Tortada

Taco Bell likes to keep things fresh. I'm not talking about their food, of course. That would be ridiculous. I'm referring to their constant stream of new menu items that can range from mildly delicious to head-scratchingly bizarre. I'm looking at you, Black Jack Taco.

I appreciate their moxie, though. It takes some creativity to take five core ingredients and find different ways to repackage them as a new product. Their latest attempt has resulted in two new products: Taco Bell Tortadas. One is Salsa Roja flavored, and the other is Bacon Ranch.

I had the exact same thought that Marvo did when he wrote his Week in Reviews post — Taco Bell had made up the word "tortada." It's not like it would be the first time. Again, like Marvo, I immediately ran to Google and was surprised to discover that, no, tortada is a real thing. This mildly disappointed me, because I really wanted to say that Taco Bell making up the word tortada is tortarded. Reality is fucking with my puns. You could say I've been _pun_ ished.

There. I feel better now.

"Pie" or "tart," which are the English translations of the word "tortada," are not the first words that come to mind, looking at Taco Bell's Tortada. I'd say they look more like pita pockets. They should have called them Torpitas! No, no, that's terrible. That's tortarded.

I decided to try the Salsa Roja variety, since Bacon Ranch has already been covered by other blogs, like Brand Eating and We Rate Stuff. Branching out into the world of bacon and ranch is a fairly new thing for Taco Bell, so I'll throw them a little props for expanding their ingredient list. I will say, though, that anything "Bacon Ranch" doesn't exactly scream "Mexican food" to me. Of course, Taco Bell in general doesn't scream "Mexican food" at all, so hey. Go for it, guys. Don't let hundreds of years of an entire country's well-established culinary cultural heritage hold you back.

Salsa Roja sounds decidedly more authentic. Taco Bell describes it as "A warm flour tortilla loaded with fire-grilled marinated all-white meat chicken, crisp shredded lettuce, fiesta salsa, flavorful salsa roja, and a blend of three cheeses, cheddar, pepper jack, and mozzarella, all grilled together hot and toasty."

Sounds tasty. Fiesta Salsa AND salsa roja? Taco Bell knows the way to my heart is through multiple condiments. For any of you extreme gringos out there, "salsa roja" translates to "red sauce." Try not to fall out of your chair in shock. With a translation that vague, the flavor could go dozens of different ways. Fiesta Salsa is often used in Taco Bell's "Fresco" menu, which is a collection of items that supposedly won't cause your arteries to immediately clog, unlike the rest of their menu. So when you think Fiesta Salsa, think less picante and more pico de gallo.

At $3.29, the Tortadas are one of the more expensive items on Taco Bell's menu, but when you pick one up you'll find it has some surprising heft. The smell is enticing; there's nothing quite like the scent of warm tortillas, and the Tortada adds a hint of cheese and spice to really make it inviting.

There's the innards, right there. As you can see, there's no shortage of chicken. I really expected the lettuce to be limp, since it is apparently cooked with the rest of the ingredients, but I found it to be an interesting, crunchy contrast to the meatiness of the chicken, which was indeed plentiful, and surprisingly tender. The cheese was indeed melty, although I didn't really detect any pepper jack. It just tasted like general cheesy gooeyness. The Fiesta Salsa also added a nice texture contrast and a fresh burst of tomato and onion.

What's most surprising about this Tortada is that the ingredient that gives it its name, the salsa roja, is almost undetectable. You can detect a little bit of spicy kick that must come from the sauce, but you can't really distinguish its flavor in the food. I found this most disappointing, because I was really looking forward to getting a good taste of the salsa roja. I thought it might have a nice enchilada sauce flavoring, but instead I got pretty much nothing.

The Taco Bell Salsa Roja Tortada is a decent-sized meal and has decent flavor, but it doesn't live up to the chain's ambitious description of their new menu item. The chicken is tasty, the Fiesta Salsa adds a nice, bright flavor, but all the cheeses taste the same and you can't taste the salsa roja at all, which, if the name is any indication, is supposed to be the star of the show. It's a tasty, fulfilling meal, and seems like it would be a good choice if you're eating on the go, but it just doesn't live up to Taco Bell's claims. My salsa roja hopes were Tortadashed.

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Salsa Roja Tortada
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 Tortada (268 grams) – 480 calories, 130 calories from fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 14 grams of total fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,860 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugars and 30 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $3.29
  * **Size:** 1 Tortada
  * **Purchased at:** Taco Bell
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Tender, plentiful chicken. High portability. Tortada puns. Fiesta Salsa brings bright flavor. Moxious fast food maneuvers. Miraculously crisp lettuce.
  * **Cons:** Salsa roja not actually detectable in Salsa Roja Tortada. Finding out tortada is a real word. Cheeses are indistinguishable. People who think Taco Bell is actually Mexican food.

## Taco Bell Black Jack Taco

As you can see, the most intriguing ingredient of the Taco Bell Black Jack Taco is its black shell, which looks like its been either out in the sun for too long, touched by the Grim Reaper or farted on by someone who just ate food from Taco Bell.

The black taco shell is the ONLY thing interesting about the Black Jack Taco and I think it's the ONLY reason why people are buying it. It's just like Playboy Magazine; guys only buy it for the pictures of nude women inside. The articles are only there so that they have something to read during their refractory periods.

While it may look interesting, the black taco shell is like Lady Gaga when she picks something to wear, it doesn't have much taste. It tastes like Taco Bell's normal yellow taco shell, which I guess I should be glad about, since my imagination believes if the black taco shell were to have a flavor it would be gangrene.

The filling has the same seasoned ground beef, shredded lettuce, and shredded cheese you will find in 75 percent of the items on Taco Bell's menu, so it's not worth writing about beyond the almost 40 words in this sentence.

The Black Jack Taco also comes with a white pepper jack cheese sauce. The white sauce combined with the black shell give the taco a color contrast usually found with piano keys, TV's made before the 1960s and Spy vs. Spy comics. While not as interesting as the black taco shell, the slightly spicy pepper jack cheese sauce does give this menu item some flavor and spice, although it's not as tasty as Taco Bell's nacho cheese and Volcano sauces.

With all the ingredients combined, it creates a taco with a taste that doesn't really impress me. The pepper jack sauce isn't bold enough to me and the shell is only for show. But it's what I expected from Taco Bell — taking whatever ingredients they have, pouring them into fine China, sticking them in a China shop, releasing a bunch of bulls in the shop and whatever ingredients weren't trampled on gets chosen for the next menu item.

The Black Jack Taco is only around for limited time, but it's not something I'll miss when the Fast Food Grim Reaper takes it away.

(NOTE: Grub Grade said it was decent. Junk Food Betty liked it a lot. Review Spew gave it a 2-star rating...barely. Fast Food Reviewed said it was okay. Would I Buy It Again wouldn't buy it again.)

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Black Jack Taco
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 Black Jack Taco – 210 calories, 17 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 430 milligrams of sodium, 6 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $1.09 (almost everywhere else it's 89 cents)
  * **Size:** 1 taco
  * **Purchased at:** Taco Bell
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Black taco shell looks interesting. Something different to order. Pepper jack sauce had a little spice to it. Playboy Magazine.
  * **Cons:** Black taco shell is just for show. Pepper jack sauce wasn't bold enough for me. Not something I would miss when it's gone. Lady Gaga's wardrobe choices. Black taco shell looks like its been touched by the Grim Reaper.

## Taco Bell Volcano Taco

Why must Taco Bell insist on painting the taco shell red for their Volcano Taco to let you know that it's spicy? Most of us are probably functionally retarded during the times we're eating there at two in the morning, but it doesn't give them carte blanche to rub it in our faces. We shouldn't take this lying down, no matter how fat and lazy their food has made us!

This is Taco Bell flipping us off with one hand and biting their thumb with the other. We already knew that their product wasn't healthy, but now they're basically admitting the food is by no means real or to be taken seriously. You might as well swing by the drive-thru window and ask for a cup of Play-Doh so you can make your own taco shells at home.

Aside from the food coloring, I was excited about the prospect of a new affordable taco with a "cheesy lava sauce" that would allow me to spew fire and blow smoke from my head. As I was figuring out the logistics of trying how to make a taco stand up for a picture, I had two of my buds perform an informal taste test.

The first looked rather disgusted and deadpanned that it "tastes like old mayonnaise" as he reached for a bottle of beer.

The second response started off more promising. "I like it better than a regular taco," he nodded, before continuing, "I'd probably give it a 4 out of 10."

Apparently, he doesn't like Taco Bell's regular tacos very much.

I agree with his score, but not with his original assessment. Taco Bell's original tacos are unabashedly generic Tex-Mex tacos, but they typically hit the spot. Even doused with hot sauce, the smattering of iceberg lettuce does an admirable job of being a refreshing palate cleanser.

With the Volcano Taco, the cheese sauce overwhelms all of the other ingredients and leaves you with a rather tangy aftertaste. I wouldn't say that it tastes like bad mayonnaise, but it does have a pretty thick and heavy mouth feel which threw me off a bit. In regards to the heat, I'd say that the red shell warning was unnecessary. It's moderately spicy, but it's not anything that will have you blowing fire or reaching for the nearest icy beverage.

Unless, of course, it's to wash the taste out of your mouth.

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Volcano Taco
  * **Nutrition Facts** : 1 taco – 240 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 490 milligrams sodium, 14 gram of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.)
  * **Price:** 89 cents
  * **Purchased at:** Taco Bell
  * **Rating:** 4 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Cheaper than most of their items that come with cheese sauce. Moderately spicy. The ability to breathe fire.
  * **Cons:** Not nearly as spicy as advertised. Tangier and thicker sauce than I expected. Sauce masks the taste of lettuce, beef, and shredded cheese. Aftertaste is not pleasant.

## Taco Bell Zesty Nachos

I think nachos were invented by someone who was either really high or really hungry. That is perhaps the reason why nachos look so good when you're really high or really hungry.

Just like boob jobs, nachos come in different forms. I think someone's momma once said, "Life is like a plate of nachos, you never know what you gonna get."

Sometimes you get nachos with just cheese. Other times you get nachos with chili and cheese. Some nachos come with cheese and refried beans. Nachos can come with guacamole, sour cream, and/or salsa. Some nachos come in a tortilla chip sombrero you can wear outside to protect you from the sun.

Sometimes you get a whole bunch of chips and not a lot of other toppings, but that's not nachos, that's just chips somebody accidentally spilled some stuff on.

(Editor's Note: That last paragraph sounded like a Mitch Hedberg joke and I can imagine him saying it in my head, but I don't think it's one. I hope.)

Nachos may not be the prettiest food when you're sober or not really hungry, but you have to admit they look much better than Tara Reid or Courtney Love in a bikini. Actually, nachos do a great job with satisfying one's appetite, while seeing Reid or Love in a bikini makes one lose their appetite.

Just to let you know, I'm not high right now, but I do think that the new Taco Bell Zesty Nachos are a metaphor for life. It comes with tortilla chips, seasoned beef, zesty nacho cheese sauce, tomatoes and sour cream. Each of those ingredient represents a part of every individual.

The tortilla chips represents one's mind. Much like tortilla chips, the mind can easily crack, but also like tortilla chips, your mind can hold a lot. A single tortilla chip has the power to hold seasoned beef, cheese, tomatoes and sour cream, while your mind can hold memories, online passwords, lame knock knock jokes, dialogue from Star Wars movies and horrifying images of celebrities in bikinis.

The seasoned beef is like the muscles on your body, because the beef is technically muscle from a cow. The zesty nacho cheese sauce is like your soul, because when you pass on your soul will still be around and when you pass gas the nacho cheese sauce smell will still be around. The tomatoes represent your heart, because just like your heart, tomatoes are red as well. Finally, the sour cream is your experiences. Your bad experiences are the sour part, while your good experiences are the creamy part.

All that stuff put together makes you and who you are, and unless you're an asshole, it's a good thing.

Okay, those last few paragraphs sounded like I was high, but I was not. I think I'm just hungry, because one of these Taco Bell Zesty Nachos wasn't enough to fill me up. I'll admit that it was good and for a buck and a half I shouldn't expect much, although for the rest of the United States, it costs only 99-cents.

Despite having the meal-like nutritional values, I think the Taco Bell Zesty Nachos make a much better snack than a meal.

(Editor's Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Daniel for letting me know about the Taco Bell Zesty Nachos. Thanks to him, I think my trans fat intake is about to go up.)

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Zesty Nachos
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 470 calories, 32 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 40 mg cholesterol, 730 mg of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, and 10 grams of protein
  * **Price:** $1.49 (99 cents for the rest of the country)
  * **Purchased at:** Taco Bell
  * **Rating:** 4 out of 5
  * **Pros:** Tasty. Kind of cheap for me, but really cheap for the rest of the United States. Makes a great snack. Nachos are a metaphor for life. The human mind.
  * **Cons:** Small serving size and not filling, but kind of worth it for the price I paid. Messy. 1.5 grams of trans fat. Tara Reid or Courtney Love in a bikini. Nachos without a bunch of toppings. Being an asshole. Taco Bell prices on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

## Taco Bell Steak Nachos BellGrande

Come on, Taco Bell! Can't you do better than this?

Can't you come up with something better than the Steak Nachos BellGrande?

You've come up with some great ideas, but Steak Nachos BellGrande just isn't a fun name to say.

GORDITA!!!

Look how fun it was to say Gordita.

CHALUPA!!!

Saying Chalupa was also frickin' fun.

BEAN BURRRRITO!!!

Even saying Bean Burrito was fun, not just because I rolled the R's and said it in a high-pitched, stereotypical, borderline offensive Hispanic accent, but also because of the alliteration.

Sure, I could roll the R in "BellGrande," but it still wouldn't sound very fun because there are too many words and syllables in the name and it also wouldn't be fun to say, "Yo quiero Steak Nachos BellGrande" in my best Taco Bell commercial chihuahua voice, while ordering in the drive-thru lane.

It's also not exciting to yell whenever I'm swinging at a pinata.

How about Mucho Nacho? Or Nacho Rancho? Or Steako Greato?

Even some of the ingredients in the Steak Nachos BellGrande have better names, like the carne asada steak and nacho cheese sauce. Okay, the tortilla chips, green onions, tomatoes, sour cream, and refried beans have plain names. But if you add the optional jalapenos, you not only add some heat to the Steak Nachos BellGrande, you also add another ingredient that's fun to say and you can have fun with Taco Bell employees by asking for the jalapenos phonetically.

The Steak Nachos BellGrande was good. The steak was surprisingly tender and the optional jalapenos gave it a nice kick. However, I think what really made this product tasty was the nacho cheese sauce, which also made the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme tasty and added a nice crayon orange to the dish.

Hey! Maybe it should be called Nacho PoopGrande?

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Steak Nachos BellGrande
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 770 calories, 41 grams of fat, 7 grams of trans fat, 1230 milligrams of sodium, enough carbs to make Dr. Atkins weep in heaven, 10 grams of dietary fiber.
  * **Purchase Price:** $3.59
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Tasty. Steak was surprisingly tender. Nacho cheese sauce is frickin' addicting. Optional jalapenos gave it some nice heat. Lots of dietary fiber. CHALUPA! GORDITA!
  * **Cons:** Boring name. High in bad trans fat and other things.

## Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme

Oh man, I so badly wanted to chuck the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme.

Not because it didn't taste good, but because it looked like a discus and I wanted to set the Guinness World Record for longest Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme throw.

I also wanted to start a food fight in the middle of Taco Bell with some guy who was looking at me weird as I was practicing my discus throwing form.

Anyway, the Crunchwrap Supreme was around seven inches in diameter and three-fourths of an inch thick, which is roughly the size of a regulation Olympic women's discus. Inside its soft flour tortilla was seasoned beef, nacho cheese sauce, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, and a crunchy tostada shell.

Not only are the nacho cheese sauce and sour cream the perfect ammo for messing people's clothes in a food fight, they also make the Crunchwrap Supreme very tasty and, quite possibly, help me come closer to my goal of having my blood replaced with dairy products.

Perhaps the best thing about the Crunchwrap Supreme is the fact that, despite its size, you can eat it with only one hand and you don't have to worry about it falling apart like other tacos, unless your hands are small like carnie or you're the notoriously clumsy pirate, Captain Stubsforlimbs.

Of course, being able to eat it with one hand has many advantages.

For example, you can drive and eat it at the same time, flip channels with a remote control and eat at the same time, slip a ten dollar bill under a stripper's g-string and eat at the same time, and masturbate to a continuous loop of Victoria's Secret television ads and eat at the same time.

In other words, it's the perfect food to multitask with.

You don't need to worry dipping it into something, like those who dated Paris Hilton. Also, you don't need to worry about things falling out, like Tara Reid does all the time.

  * **Item:** Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme
  * **Nutrition Facts:** **** 540 calories, 21 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 1110 milligrams of sodium, 71 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 16 grams of protein.
  * **Purchase Price:** $2.49
  * **Rating:** 4 out of 5
  * **Pros:** Tasty. Nice size. Can eat with one hand. The perfect multitasking food. Makes the perfect food to fling in a food fight.
  * **Cons:** Hard to add taco sauce, but it really didn't need it.

* * *

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Jack In The Box

V.

Jack In The Box

## Jack in the Box Taco Nachos

As I've said many times before, I'm not a fan of Jack in the Box's tacos because there's not much filling in them and they're greasier than a Best Buy employee trying to sell you the extended warranty, TV calibration and the overpriced HDMI Monster Cable to go with your new HDTV. Because of my feelings towards Jack in the Box's tacos, I didn't expect much from their new Taco Nachos.

The Jack in the Box Taco Nachos is made up of their regular beef nachos cut up into thirds, placed on a bed of shredded lettuce and topped with a cheddar cheese sauce, pepper jack cheese and pickled jalapeno slices with salsa and a plastic fork on the side.

As you can see in the picture above, it looks like the Jack in the Box tacos went partying with Tara Reid, then puked out most of its fillings and ended up lying in its own filth. As you can also see in the picture, the taco shells look soaked which means that they're either oil sponges or they competed in a wet t-shirt contest while partying with Tara Reid.

If you like Jack in the Box tacos, the orange glow of melted cheddar cheese and jalapenos, you will like the Taco Nachos even though they look like a bastardized version of nachos. I may not enjoy Jack in the Box's regular tacos, but I did somewhat enjoy the Taco Nachos thanks to the previously mentioned cheddar cheese sauce and jalapenos. Both of them added a lot of flavor to the dish and the jalapenos also gave it a little heat. There were enough jalapeno slices to provide one for each Taco Nacho piece.

At $1.99, the Jack in the Box Taco Nachos is a decent meal or snack. If it was priced at $2.49 or more, it wouldn't be worth it, since Jack in the Box's regular tacos are pretty much dirt cheap.

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the Jack in the Box Taco Nachos, but I guess my heart has a place for radioactive orange cheddar cheese sauce and pickled jalapeno slices. If Jack in the Box's regular tacos had on the inside what the Taco Nachos had on the outside, I might actually like them.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Taco Nachos
  * **Nutrition Facts** : Unavailable on website. I guess they're all worried about Jack to update their site.
  * **Price:** $1.99
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Surprisingly good. Cheddar cheese sauce and jalapenos make it tasty. Jalapenos provided a little heat. It's worth $1.99. If you enjoy JITB tacos, you'll like these. Comes with plastic fork.
  * **Cons:** It's not worth it if it's more than $1.99. Looks like it puked out its filling. Oil soaked taco shells. Aggressive Best Buy salespeople.

## Jack in the Box Chipotle Chicken Club Sandwich

I hate to admit, but Jack in the Box has taught me a lot about food.

The fast food chain introduced me to the tough-on-the-outside-but-soft-on-the-inside ciabatta bread. With a breakfast menu that's available all-day, they assured me it's okay to eat breakfast at three in the afternoon, seven at night, or right before I go to bed. And, Jack in the Box got me acquainted with the smoky and spicy chipotle pepper when they released their Chipotle Chicken Sandwich in the late 2000s.

Back then, the extent of my chili pepper knowledge didn't go beyond the jalapeno, I believed breakfast ended at 10:30 in the morning because that's when McDonald's stopped serving it, and the breads Subway offered were the fanciest I knew of.

Jack in the Box's latest chicken sandwich, which uses the chipotle pepper, is the Chipotle Chicken Club. The sandwich combines a spicy crispy chicken breast topped with chipotle sauce, hickory smoked bacon, American cheese, lettuce and tomato on toasted sourdough bread.

After unwrapping the sandwich from its paper enclosure, I was instantly a little disappointed with its size. It makes a newborn kitten look big and it doesn't look like it's worth the $4.79 I paid for just the sandwich. The Chipotle Chicken Club Combo here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean is $5.49, while most other places it's $4.99, so the sandwich will be cheaper where most of you live. However, I wouldn't complain so much about its size if I could buy the sandwich for $3.99.

While I'm in the complaining mood, I'd like to point out the thin chicken breast patty I got with my sandwich. Look at it in the photo below. They must've gotten it from the most flat-chested chickens on the farm. However, while the chicken patty was thin, it was also crispy. Well, the edges at least. Even after the 10 minute ride home from the drive-thru to my place, the chicken patty had a lot of crispiness. However, what was even more impressive was how much crispiness it had the following morning.

Oh, I should let you know that I now have a habit of splitting a fast food sandwich in two before eating it and putting the other half in the fridge so I don't consume all the fat and sodium in one sitting.

Anyhoo, after I microwaved the other half for about 40 seconds in its wrapper, I took a bite and noticed the chicken patty's ability to maintain some of its crispiness. Ain't fast food technology scary great?

With my complaining about the sandwich's size and the flat chicken patty, you'd think I don't care for the Chipotle Chicken Club. Well, I have to say it's my favorite Jack in the Box chicken sandwich, because the chipotle sauce makes up for most of the sandwich's faults. The chipotle sauce tastes as if Jack in the Box combined their taco sauce with their mayonnaise, but with a bit more smokiness. It's a tasty sauce and it gives the sandwich a nice heat that might cause some of you to reach for some cool liquid relief. I was surprised the sauce had flavor and wasn't all about the heat, like other chipotle items I've tried.

If you're a bacon fan, the amount of piggie in this sandwich will satisfy your pork needs. I wouldn't call the bacon included crisp, but I wouldn't call it limp either. The sourdough bread is a little greasy, but as someone who has consumed his fair share of Sourdough Jacks, it wasn't a surprise. As for the tomatoes, they made my sandwich look like Quasimodo's back and didn't really add anything, unless you consider having an ingredient that easily falls out something. I'd suggest ordering the sandwich without tomatoes or discard them and make the farmers who harvested them cry.

If you're planning to try the delicious Jack in the Box Chipotle Chicken Club, do so soon because it's only available for a limited time.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Chipotle Chicken Club Sandwich
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 686 calories, 329 calories from fat, 35 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 77 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,292 milligrams of sodium, 580 milligrams of potassium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 34 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $4.79 (sandwich only)
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Tasty, spicy chipotle sauce. My new favorite Jack in the Box chicken sandwich. A good amount of bacon. Impressive, but eerie, crispiness. Reasonably priced combo, if you're paying $4.99. My new found willpower to not eat an entire fast food sandwich in one sitting.
  * **Cons:** Thin chicken patty. Kind of small. The tomatoes are useless. Awesome source of saturated fat and sodium. My lack of chili pepper knowledge in the mid-2000s. I used to think Subway bread was fancy.
  * **Other Jack in the Box Chipotle Chicken Club reviews:**

  * Brand Eating

## Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger

Eating the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger really does make me feel like an outlaw, if being an

outlaw means not listening to the recommendations of my doctor who says I should avoid eating things like the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger.

YEEHAW!

If you happen to find yourself at a Jack in the Box, you can rustle either the Outlaw Burger, Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich, or if sodium intake is no object, both. I chose the Outlaw Burger because, according to a t-shirt I read, real outlaws eat beef. Also, according to t-shirts I've read, a lot of women are bitches.

YEEHAW!

The Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger is constructed using a beef patty topped with onion rings, two slices of American cheese, hickory smoked bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, and bourbon BBQ sauce on a sesame seed bun. Jack in the Box claims the Outlaw Burger is new, but I think Jack getting hit by a bus in 2009 made him forget the Outlaw Burger was originally introduced in 2006. Even though this blog was around then (when it and I were much skinnier), I never tried it.

In a previous review, I mentioned I didn't think too highly of Jack's bourbon BBQ sauce, but for some strange reason I like it in the Outlaw Burger. Although, I do wish the person who made my sandwich squirted on a little more BBQ sauce.

Despite the inadequate BBQ sauce squirtage and ordinary Jack in the Box beef patty, I really enjoyed the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger. There were decent-sized bacon strips, which were, surprisingly, crispy and provided a little smoky flavor. The onion rings added a bit of crunchiness, but the onion flavor could've been stronger. As for the two slices of American cheese...well, they allow the burger to contain four of the five USDA food groups and, looking at the photo above, they're also the glue that prevents the onion rings and bacon from falling out of the burger.

YEEHAW!

The Outlaw Burger is probably one of the better tasting burgers Jack in the Box currently offers. Sadly, it's only available for a limited time. So while it's here, I'm going to ride with an Outlaw Burger, and maybe die with an Outlaw Burger.

YEEHAW!

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 burger – 725 calories, 39 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 72 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,558 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 28 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $7.98 (combo)
  * **Size:** Medium combo
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10
  * **Pros:** One of the better tasting burgers at Jack in the Box. OMG! The bacon actually turned out decent. Bourbon BBQ sauce with this burger. Eating it makes me feel like an outlaw. YEEHAW!
  * **Cons:** Needed more BBQ sauce. Onion rings needed to bring more flavor. Not new. Contains trans fat. Great source of sodium and saturated fat. Pulling quotes from Lonesome Dove.
  * **Other Jack in the Box Outlaw sandwich reviews:**

  * An Immovable Feast (Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich)

## Jack in the Box Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Over the past few weeks, something disturbing has been appearing in my dreams. No matter how hard I try, it's an image I can't get out of my head and it's been causing me to wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat.

No, it's not Nancy Grace's nipple. Although, now that I've brought it up, it'll probably start materializing during my REM sleep as well.

The image that's been appearing regularly in my dreams, and turning them into nightmares, is the woman at the end of the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger/Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich commercial who yells, "Ride that spicy chicken!"

There's something about her that scares me. It could be her teeth. It could be her eyebrows. It could be the way she said her line in the commercial. Or it could be the way I think her mouth is going to unhinge when she tries to eat that Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich in her hand. Whatever it is, it's made me not want to try the Jack in the Box Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

But I figured since I already reviewed the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger, I should complete the fast food bifecta and also try the Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

The sandwich is made using a spicy crispy chicken filet topped with onion rings, cheese, hickory smoked bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, and bourbon BBQ sauce on a sesame seed bun. It uses the same chicken patty that comes with Jack's regular Spicy Chicken Sandwich. I don't consider the patty very spicy. To me, it has a very mild heat. It's noticeable, but I don't feel the need to have any cool liquids handy when I eat it.

Just like the Outlaw Burger I tried, there wasn't a lot of BBQ sauce on my Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich, which was disappointing since it's the best part of the sandwich. The slices of bacon were a little crispy and added some flavor, the onion rings need to be improved, and the cheese provided very little flavor. But overall, the Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich is good and I'll be sad to see it go since it's a limited time offer.

Actually, I take that back. I'll be glad to see it go because that means I'll won't have to see the Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich commercial anymore.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 sandwich – 771 calories, 294 calories from fat, 32 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 82 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,859 milligrams of sodium, 648 milligrams of potassium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 37 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $7.98 (combo)
  * **Size:** Medium combo
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Good chicken sandwich. BBQ sauce is good. It's got vegetables. Has a nice heft to it. Good source of protein. Completing a fast food bifecta.
  * **Cons:** Spicy chicken patty not as spicy as I would like. Needs more BBQ sauce. Onion rings need to be improved. Nancy Grace's nipple. The end of the JITB Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich commercial.

## Jack in the Box Bacon Shake

Jack in the Box's new Bacon Shake is damn intriguing, but it also sounds gross and I'm scared of it. I'm pretty sure I'm afraid of it because I haven't gotten over that time I spent with my lips around a Jones Bacon Soda.

Oh dear, I just gagged. Will these emotional scars ever heal?

The Jack in the Box Bacon Shake isn't like the Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae we reviewed last year, which was topped with real chopped bacon. Instead, the Bacon Shake uses bacon-flavored Torani syrup, which is blended with vanilla ice cream. To maximize the unusualness of the bacon shake, I hoped the suckable dessert was bacon colored, but as you can see in the picture, the Jack in the Box Bacon Shake looks as harmless as a vanilla milkshake. It's not even raw bacon pink.

The bacon-flavored shake also smells harmless. There's a very slight hint of smokiness, but not enough to cause a bunch of red flags to pop up in your head. When I ordered my shake, I was asked if I wanted whipped cream and a cherry on top. I said yes and then asked if I could also get chopped bacon on top of that. The Jack in the Box employee laughed and then said "I'm sorry, no." A part of me wanted to slam both hands on the counter and yell, "I'm not going to settle for that answer!"

I find it a little strange the shake didn't come with bacon sprinkled on top of it. Every Jack in the Box restaurant has the means to fry up bacon and chop it up, so why not take that extra step and add a little texture to the shake? It would've made this bacon shake many times more fascinating.

Many of you might be expecting me to say the Jack in the Box Bacon Shake is repulsive, but, surprisingly, it's not. Although I have to admit it was slightly off-putting at first. But the more I ate, the more I enjoyed the bacon flavor of the shake, which wasn't anything close to being overpowering. Instead it had a very mild smokiness, albeit an artificial smokiness. The weirdest thing about this shake (yes, weirder than the fact it's bacon flavored) is the way it ends up tasting like coffee at the back end.

Overall, I wouldn't call the Jack in the Box Bacon Shake "scrumptious," but I also wouldn't call it "revolting." I think "pleasant" would be the best word I could use to describe it. If you're REALLY into bacon, you should definitely give it a try. Would I buy another? I probably would. Although, if it came topped with chopped bacon, I'd change my answer to most definitely.

**Item:** Jack in the Box Bacon Shake

**Nutrition Facts:** 16 ounces/regular size – 773 calories, 358 calories from fat, 40 grams of fat, 28 grams of saturated fat, 2 gram of trans fat, 127 milligrams of cholesterol, 319 milligrams of sodium, 691 milligrams of potassium, 89 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 75 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.

**Price:** $3.99

**Size:** Regular

**Purchased at:** Jack in the Box

**Rating:** 6 out of 10

**Pros:** Not revolting. Pleasant flavor. Creamy. Tastes like coffee at the back end of the flavor. Bacon lovers will probably enjoy it.

**Cons:** Not sprinkled with chopped bacon. Might be gross to some people. There's no signage for it in restaurants. Not bacon colored. The deep emotional scars from drinking a Jones Bacon Soda two years ago.

## Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter with Sausage

For me, breakfast for dinner means serving myself a bowl of some cereal that's either rainbow-colored or chocolate brown and watching on my computer, and in my pajamas, old episodes of Spongebob Squarepants I bought via iTunes. But now I can enjoy the new Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter while I watch Spongebob Squarepants in my PJs.

Just look at the conglomeration of carbohydrates, fats, and proteins in the picture above. If that doesn't fill you up, remind me to never treat you to self-serve frozen yogurt at places that charge by the ounce. The items in a Jumbo Breakfast Platter sound like they could replace some of the gifts in the song, "Twelve Days of Christmas."

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

**What looks like 12 scrambled eggs**

11 Pipers Piping

10 Lords-a-Leaping

9 Ladies Dancing

**8 Mini Pancakes**

7 Swans-a-Swimming

6 Geese-a-Laying

**5 Hash Brown Sticks**

4 Colly Birds

3 French Hens

**2 Pancake Condiments**

And **a greasy sausage patty**.

Of course, this changes slightly if you order the Jumbo Breakfast Platter with Bacon, which I instantly decided against, because I have yet to find a fast food place that fries up decent bacon slices.

Now some of you might be thinking that this conglomeration of carbohydrates, fats, and proteins is unhealthy. But, I believe everything is fine in moderation, and the Jumbo Breakfast Platter isn't as bad as what Burger King and McDonald's offers. A Jumbo Jack Breakfast Platter has 747 calories, 47 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1,168 milligrams of sodium. However, a McDonald's Big Breakfast with Hotcakes has 1090 calories, 56 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, and 2,150 milligrams of sodium, while a BK Ultimate Breakfast Platter has 1310 calories, 72 grams of fat, 26 grams of saturated fat, and 2,490 milligrams of sodium. But, again, everything is fine in moderation, even the BK Ultimate Breakfast Platter.

As you can see in the photo, someone at Jack in the Box doesn't know how to make good scrambled eggs, but they tasted fine. And so did everything else. The mini pancakes were soft; the sausage patty had a wider circumference than other fast food sausage patties; and the hash browns, being in stick form, were easy to dip in ketchup. Overall, the Jumbo Breakfast Platter is a tasty, filling, and inexpensive meal. I paid $3.99 for it, but most participating locations not on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean sell it for $2.99. At either price, the Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter is a bargain.

However, there's a way to make it better.

Using the mini pancakes as buns, I stacked half of a hash brown stick, some of the scrambled eggs, and a fourth of the breakfast sausage patty to make a mini breakfast sandwich, which I dipped into the container of Log Cabin syrup. It was damn good and it was as if sugar and salt were consummating their marriage in my mouth.

Sadly, I won't be able to enjoy it for very long, since Jack in the Box's Jumbo Breakfast Platter is around for a limited time.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter with Sausage
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 breakfast platter with sausage – 747 calories, 426 calories from fat, 47 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 438 milligrams of cholesterol, 1168 milligrams of sodium, 586 milligrams of potassium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $3.99
  * **Size:** Lots of food
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 9 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Tasty greasy breakfast. Filling. Soft mini pancakes. Wide sausage patty. Helluva lot of scrambled eggs. A good bargain. Making mini breakfast sandwiches.
  * **Cons:** Limited time offer. Eating just a bowl of cereal for dinner. Treating people with big appetites to self-serve frozen yogurt at places that charge by the ounce.
  * **Other Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter reviews:**

  * Brand Eating
  * A Fistful of Suck
  * Some Dude on YouTube

## Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich

Indecisive people must HATE Jack in the Box.

If I was indecisive, I'd take one look at the vast menu board, feel completely helpless, and then weep. And if the cashier told me I could also choose something from the breakfast menu at two in the afternoon, I would fall to my knees, put my hands on top of my head while it shakes side to side, and then yell, "There's so much to choose from, I don't know what I want! Please help me!"

By the time I stopped yelling, Jack in the Box probably would've added something new to the menu since it expands faster than the waistlines of those of us who eat Jack in the Box food. Seriously, Jack in the Box is the Cheesecake Factory of fast food chains. Did you know they have funnel cake?

Anyhoo, Jack's latest addition to the menu board that makes the indecisive pull their hair out is the Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich, which is made up of steak strips, grilled onions, cheese and Jack's new Bourbon BBQ sauce in between two slices of grilled artisan bread.

Of course, my first thought when I heard about the Bourbon BBQ sauce was whether or not it contained alcohol. I'm pretty sure it doesn't, but my extremely low tolerance for alcohol, plus my urge to take off pieces of clothing when alcohol is in my system would be an accurate way to find out.

After eating the entire sandwich, no article of clothing was removed, so it seems there's no alcohol in the BBQ sauce. Although my taste buds could've told me that, since the BBQ sauce tasted like any run of the mill sauce. This was disappointing because I hoped it would taste more like licking a drunk than licking a designated driver.

As for the rest of the sandwich, the steak strips were surprisingly tender and there were a lot of them. The grilled onions were a nice touch and complimented the steak well. The cheese seemed to be there to only to act as a glue to make sure the steak strips and onions don't fall out of the sandwich. The artisan bread wasn't crispy, it was a little soggy with chewy edges. But at least it wasn't as greasy as Jack's other Grilled Sandwiches.

So if you're an indecisive person staring at the Jack in the Box menu board, I want to let you know that the Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich was a good sandwich, but I expected more from the featured ingredient, the Bourbon BBQ sauce.

You know what? After rereading that last sentence, I realized it probably won't help you come to a decision. I'm sorry. You should start weeping now.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 595 calories, 206 calories from fat, 23 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 2022 milligrams of sodium, 495 milligrams of potassium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 33 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $6.49 (small combo)
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Good, but could've been better. Steak strips were tender. Cheese keeps steak strips from falling out. Grilled onion complimented the steak. Bread wasn't greasy.
  * **Cons:** Bourbon BBQ sauce was disappointing. Artisan bread wasn't crispy. Cheese brings nothing to the table, flavor-wise. An indecisive person staring at a Jack in the Box menu board. The nudity that follows when alcohol is in my system.
  * **Other Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich reviews:**

  * An Immovable Feast

## Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries

I don't enjoy Jack in the Box's fries, because I find them to be sticks of golden brown boredom. My palate thinks they're not salty enough, not potato-ey enough, and they somehow make me cry, like I'm watching _Toy Story 3_.

When I do end up at the box Jack built, I always order the curly fries instead. But sometimes they mess up my order and I end up with their regular fries. When this happens I get extremely angry, and, I swear, when it happens again I'm going to buy a gigantic white plastic sphere; cut a hole in it; draw a mouth and angry eyes on it; glue on a pointy nose; put it over my head; walk into the Jack in the Box that messed up my order; ask for the manager; then demand they switch my regular fries for curly fries; and, if they don't, I'm going to threaten to fire all of them.

Because I dislike Jack in the Box's regular french fries, I wondered if they would be tolerable in the forms of Jack's new Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries.

Both fry varieties consist of a small serving of Jack's regular fries, which are topped with either a cheese sauce or a cheese sauce with crumbled chorizo sausage. Personally, I wish Jack in the Box called them "potato nachos," but according to Urban Dictionary, the term has already been used in a different, and surprisingly, non-sexual way.

The Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries look like what I imagine my arteries would look like if I were able to turn them inside out after eating the Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries, while the Chorizo Cheese Fries look like a Frankenfood made by a drunk guy at one in the morning that combines the seasoned ground beef and cheese sauce from Taco Bell with Jack in the Box's crappy regular fries.

The cheese sauce that's dumped on top of the Cheesy Fries tastes like cheddar, and it surprisingly makes Jack's fries a little more than tolerable. Although, I wish they were drowning in cheese sauce or at least waterboarded a few times with cheese sauce, because I believe Jack's fries need to experience a cheesy death or, if waterboarded, near death.

But if you're planning to experience either of these new fries, I'd suggest coughing up the extra scratch to pick up the Chorizo Cheese Fries. The slightly spicy flavor of the chorizo sausage is what makes these fries stand out. It's like eating chili cheese fries, except greasier, however, with the same level of guilt. Just like with the Cheesy Fries, I wish there was a bit more cheese sauce, since the cheese flavor was a bit lacking, although not an amount that drowns or waterboards.

Since the Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries are extremely messy if eaten the same way one eats regular fries, Jack conveniently provides forks. If they don't provide utensils, might I suggest buying a gigantic white plastic sphere; cutting a hole in it; drawing a mouth and angry eyes on it; glueing on a pointy nose; putting it over your head; then walk into the Jack in the Box that didn't give you forks; ask for the manager; demand they give you forks; and, if they don't, threaten to fire all of them.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 Cheesy Fries – 504 calories, 262 calories from fat, 29 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 23 milligrams of cholesterol, 1145 milligrams of sodium, 511 milligrams of potassium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar and 11 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $1.99 (Cheesy Fries), $2.69 (Chorizo Cheese Fries)
  * **Size:** ???
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10 (Cheesy Fries), 7 out of 10 (Chorizo Cheese Fries)
  * **Pros:** Both make Jack's fries more than tolerable. Both need more cheese sauce. Chorizo Cheese Fries are really good. Spiciness of the chorizo sausage. Pretending to be Jack Box. Toy Story 3.
  * **Cons:** Jack in the Box fries. Chorizo makes Chorizo Cheese Fries a little too greasy. Jack in the Box messing up my order. Jack in the Box forgetting to give you utensils. Constructing a Jack Box head.
  * **Other Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries reviews:**

  * An Immovable Feast
  * Junk Food Betty

## Jack in the Box BLT Cheeseburger

To best describe Jack in the Box's new BLT Cheeseburger, I'd like to use some of the lyrics from this Jack in the Box commercial:

"First you take the Jumbo Jack with Cheese.

And then you add strips of bacon and take away the ketchup and onions.

Whaddya get?

BLT Cheeseburger! BLT Cheeseburger! BLT Cheeseburger!"

Yes, the Jack in the Box BLT Cheeseburger is basically a baconized Jumbo Jack with Cheese. If you've never had the burger with the alliterated name because you're hundreds of miles away from a Jack in the Box, let me break it down for you.

A Jumbo Jack with Cheese consists of a beef patty topped with lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles, ketchup, a slice of American cheese, and onion mayo in between a sesame seed bun. A BLT Cheeseburger is made up of a beef patty topped with lettuce, tomato, pickles, hickory-smoked bacon, a slice of American Cheese, and onion mayo in between a sesame seed bun. If there was such a thing as fast food DNA, I believe these two burgers would be brothers, sister, brother and sister, or maybe first cousins.

One of the ways Jack in the Box has been promoting the burger is with their Marry Bacon website, which follows some dude named Neal who married bacon. Of course, the whole marrying bacon brings up several questions in my head.

How does a slice of bacon say "I do"? How does the stripper at the bachelorette party give a lap dance to a strip of bacon when it has no lap? How does a strip of bacon throw the bouquet? Does the bridal party consist of pigs or other strips of bacon? Where does a strip of bacon put a wedding garter? If the newlyweds vacation at a beach resort and go sunbathing, will the bacon shrink as it fries in the sun? Also, how does one consummate a marriage to bacon?

I'll never know the answer to those questions, but I do know the answer to this question: Does the bacon in the BLT Cheeseburger make me want to marry bacon or, at least, fondle a BLT Cheeseburger whenever I'm at a Jack in the Box?

Maybe.

Last year, Jack in the Box started using a different type of bacon and I have to say that it's an improvement over the old stuff. And thank goodness it is because there's a lot of bacon in this burger. It's crispier and its flavor doesn't get lost behind all the other ingredients, which means it actually makes a meaningful contribution to the flavor of the burger.

This new-ish bacon combined with Jack in the Box's new beef patties that are seasoned while they cook make the BLT Cheeseburger a decent sandwich. Although, perhaps, the person who made my sandwich went a little overboard with the seasoning because it was awfully salty. The American cheese seems to be there just to keep the bacon from falling out of the burger, since it doesn't provide much flavor. The pickles and tomatoes make up for the lame vegetation that is the chopped lettuce.

The Jack in the Box BLT Cheeseburger is a good burger, but it's around only for a limited time. If you miss out, who knows when or if they'll bring it back again. Although, if they don't, you could just purchase a Jumbo Jack with Cheese and order it with bacon.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box BLT Cheeseburger
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 649 calories, 326 calories from fat, 36 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,658 milligrams of sodium, 520 milligrams of potassium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 37 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $4.99
  * **Size:** Small combo
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Good. Better bacon. Better beef patties. Lots of bacon. American cheese keeps the bacon from falling out. Part of a decently priced combo.
  * **Cons:** It's pretty much a baconized Jumbo Jack with Cheese. Lettuce is pale and falls out easily. A bit too salty. Marrying bacon.

## Jack in the Box Really Big Chicken Sandwich

The Jack in the Box Really Big Chicken Sandwich isn't really big.

Heck, I don't think it can be even considered just "big" by today's fast food standards, which have been set by burgers like BK's Steakhouse XT and whatever monstrosities Carl's Jr. and Hardee's come up with. To me, even the Big Mac shouldn't be regarded as "big" when compared with the latest fast food burgers.

The sandwich has two chicken patties, but even with them it looks small. But if the Really Big Chicken Sandwich can be considered big, then there are certain men out there who should have no reason to buy a 450-horsepower sports car to make up for particular inadequacies in their nether regions.

The size of this Jack in the Box chicken sandwich disappoints me not only because I feel it's false advertising, but also because if there's a fast food company that should understand what "really big" is it's Jack in the Box, whose fake CEO has a head so comically large that I'm surprised people who come near him don't get caught in his gravitational field and orbit around his head.

Jack in the Box's Really Big Chicken Sandwich is made up of two crispy chicken patties with two slices of Swiss-style cheese, lettuce, tomato, bacon, and mayo-onion sauce in between a bun. The sandwich kind of looks like the reproductive result of what would happen if a KFC Double Down and a McDonald's Big Mac got all hot and oily with each other.

While I don't think it's really big, I do think it's a mighty tasty sandwich, mainly due to the mayo-onion sauce and an ingredient that seems to make almost everything better. No, not the tears of a child whose ice cream has fallen off of its cone and onto the ground; I'm talking about bacon.

The strips of pig may not be visible in the pictures above and they may not be crispy, which is almost always the case with fast food bacon, but they do add a pleasant smokiness to the sandwich. The chicken patties were crispy and flavorful; the cheese was hardly noticeable; the lettuce and tomato allowed me to say I ate a serving of vegetables; and the bun was surprisingly durable and not bad tasting.

A Jack in the Box Really Big Chicken Sandwich small combo will run you $3.99, even in Hawaii, which is a reasonable price for what you get. But it would be an even better deal if the Really Big Chicken Sandwich was actually really big.

Wait a second...If the Really Big Chicken Sandwich isn't really big, then shouldn't we also be wondering if it's really a chicken sandwich?

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Really Big Chicken Sandwich
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 sandwich – 748 calories, 44 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat* (*contains less than 0.5 grams of trans fat due to the use of partially hydrogenated oils), 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1834 milligrams of sodium, 471 milligrams of potassium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar and 30 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $3.99 (small combo)
  * **Size:** Small Combo
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Tasty sandwich. Bacon gives it a smokiness. Affordable combo price. Awesome source of protein and potassium. Mayo-onion sauce is tasty. Eating vegetables. Durable bun. Tears of a child whose ice cream has fallen onto the ground.
  * **Cons:** Not a really big chicken sandwich. Awesome source of sodium and fat. Cheese was hardly noticeable. Looks like what would happen if a KFC Double Down and a McDonald's Big Mac hooked up.

## Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad

The Jack in the Box Grilled...Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

W-w-what . . .

Oh, I'm sorry I fell asleep and started sleep drooling mid-sentence. But I couldn't help it because the Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad is one boring salad.

It's so snooze-inducing that if you have an infant who has trouble falling asleep, I recommend you go The Impulsive Buy's Flickr page, download the high quality version of the photo, print it out several copies of it on your inkjet printer (or nearest photo center), then attach those photos to the mobile hanging above your child's crib and then watch your child instantly enter a deep slumber, allowing you to find out what that Chatroulette is all about.

The salad contains a list of vegetables that bores me, but would give the Easter Bunny a hard-on. It has a blend of romaine, iceberg and spring mix lettuce, along with shredded cheddar cheese, grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, red onion and shredded carrots. Seasoned croutons and low-fat balsamic dressing are served on the side, and the salad is topped with strips of grilled chicken. As you can see in the boring salad photo above, it's a rainbow coalition of ingredients, if the rainbow contains mostly orange and green.

As with most fast food salads, the Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad contained mostly the nutritious-empty and flavorless iceberg lettuce. But thankfully, all of the vegetables looked fresh — no wilting or bruises. The only vegetable I disliked more than the iceberg lettuce was the red onion because of its strong flavor that dominated the rest of the salad like it was paid $500 an hour to make the salad its bitch via gagging and restraining it in chains.

The grilled chicken seemed like it was just there for protein and sodium because it didn't provide much of anything else. As for the low-fat balsamic vinaigrette dressing, it gave the salad enough flavor so that it can legally be called a salad, and not just something to cushion my head if it were to fall into the salad because it's so sleep-inducing.

Despite being a boring salad, I'd probably hit the Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad again. Its nutritional values don't make me feel guilty, unlike most of Jack in the Box's menu and paying some woman $500 an hour to gag me, chain me to a wall and call me a filthy pig who should be punished.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 salad with low-fat balsamic vinaigrette – 275 calories, 9.5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1130 milligrams of sodium, 965 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 28 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $5.99
  * **Size:** 1 salad
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Filling salad. One of the healthier items to eat from the JITB menu. Low calorie compared with other JITB salads. Great if you like the colors green and orange. Paying $500 an hour to be some woman's submissive slave.
  * **Cons:** Boring salad. High in sodium. Too much iceberg lettuce. Dominating flavor of the red onions. Paying $500 an hour to be some woman's submissive slave. Chatroulette. Pictures of it may help babies fall asleep faster.

## Jack in the Box $2.99 Big Deal

Earlier this year, Jack in the Box came out with their $2.99 Jumbo Deal, which consisted of two beef tacos, a small fries, a Jumbo Jack and the feeling in your stomach that you're doing something horribly wrong by eating it all. It was great for those who wanted their Jack in the Box saturated fat and sodium fix in this tough economy.

But, like most of the money in everyone's retirement funds, this cheap meal disappeared. Thankfully, Jack has been kind enough to bring back a $2.99 meal, and this time it's got a name that was probably conceived with the help of the old name and a Roget's Thesaurus – The Big Deal.

The name is not the only thing different about this $2.99 meal. It comes with a small fries, a beef taco, either a chicken sandwich or cheeseburger and, most importantly, a beverage, which was something the Jumbo Deal didn't have, making it hard to satisfy your thirst caused by consuming all the sodium in it. This orgy of trans fats, which by the way is the least sexiest orgy ever, has enough variety to make sure there's something for even the pickiest stoner.

Despite having variety, none of the items in the Big Deal were new or interesting. The cheeseburger was so boring that I'm surprised the microwave oven used to warm it up didn't fall asleep. If you've had a mediocre cheeseburger in any time of your life, whether it be in a school cafeteria or at some shitty diner at 3 a.m., you'll have an idea of what this wimpy cheeseburger tastes like.

As for the beef taco, well, I've said it before and I'll say it again, the Jack in the Box beef taco is one of the most vile fast food menu items. It takes some huge balls to deep fry an entire taco and then sell it to the public. Not even Taco Bell is willing to do that, and they put out a lot of crap.

Jack in the Box's Natural Cut Fries may not have been circumcised and still have the potato skin on them, but they are quite possibly the most limp fast food fries around. I'm talking seeing your grandma naked and in spread eagle position limp.

By themselves, the boring cheeseburger, deep fried taco and limp fries, aren't going to encourage me to raise my blood pressure and harden my arteries by eating them. But when all of them are offered together with a medium drink for only $2.99, it makes the cheeseburger a little exciting, the fries a little crispy and the taco a little less greasy.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box $2.99 Big Deal
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 Big Deal with cheeseburger minus drink – 764 calories, 37 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 6 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1414 milligrams of sodium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 26 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.99
  * **Size:** Enough
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Good variety of food. It's only $2.99. Nice amount of food. It's only $2.99. It comes with a drink. It's only $2.99. Its price makes everything slightly better than they truly are. It's only $2.99. High in protein. It's only $2.99.
  * **Cons:** 6 grams of trans fats (Seriously? 6 grams? If KFC can go trans fat free, then JITB should too). High in sodium. Boring cheeseburger. Greasy deep fried taco. Limp fries. Mental erectile dysfunction caused by seeing your grandma naked and in spread eagle position.

## Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches

If Jack in the Box are "herding cows the size of schnauzers, but they're cattle" for their Mini Sirloin Burgers, then I wonder what they're using for their new Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches.

Oh wait. . . Could it be?

Tweety Bird! Nooooooooooo!

It looks like Jack was able to do what Sylvester the Cat couldn't. Sufferin' Succotash! It seems like for Tweety, it's Th-Th-Th-Th-That's all, folks! I guess instead of the puddy tat, Tweety taw a puddy Jack!

Aaaah, Looney Tunes references – so 1950s.

Jack in the Box's Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches comes in a pack of three and each is made up of white meat homestyle chicken filets, a drizzle of lettuce, ranch sauce and Frank's RedHot Sauce. I don't know Frank, nor do I know the reason why he made RedHot a compound word, but I do know that the sauce is tasty, although it wasn't as red-hot as I hoped. The lack of redheat might've been caused by the addition of the white-cool ranch dressing, which if that's the case, would be a shame for those who really enjoy the redspice of buffalo sauce.

The lack of heat also might've been caused by the semi-conservative use of Frank's RedHot Sauce on each mini chicken sandwich. While I could taste the sauce, I really wish they dipped the chicken filets in the sauce, like they were Salem witches, instead of just topping them. I think doing that might make up for the unnecessary gram of trans fat per mini sandwich. The ranch sauce, while quite visible when pulling back the top bun, wasn't noticeable flavor-wise, the chicken filets were slightly tough and the lettuce was just there, like the stiff-bodied person on the bottom of a sexual position who is having no fun or significantly less fun than their partner on top.

Overall, I thought the Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches were decent, but they don't come close to being as tasty as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. I guess, for some reason, cows the size of schnauzers seem to taste better than Tweety Bird.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 3 mini burgers – 738 calories, 27 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 51 milligrams of cholesterol, 1877 milligrams of sodium, 461 milligrams of potassium, 92 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar and 31 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $3.99
  * **Size:** 3-pack
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Frank's RedHot Sauce was tasty. Looney Tunes references for older people. Photoshopping. Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers. Perfect if you love sodium.
  * **Cons:** I didn't like them as much as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. Could've used more sauce. Frank's RedHot Sauce wasn't as red-hot as I would've liked. Ranch sauce wasn't noticeable. Chicken filets were a little tough. The use of lettuce. Three grams of trans fat. High in sodium. Looney Tunes references for younger people.

## Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

I've been trying to figure out who Burger King, with their BK Burger Shots, and Jack in the Box, with their new Mini Sirloin Burgers, are targeting with their smaller sandwiches. I don't think it's the penny-pinching crowd since the cost, combined mass and nutritional value of the mini burgers are somewhat equivalent to a regular sized burger. After thinking about it for a time equivalent to the time it takes for one to come up with an idea, I came to the conclusion that these mini burgers are meant for babies and their psychotic mothers who want to live vicariously through their child's successes.

In this day and age of baby pageants, the pressure is on for babies to be their cutsy-woosy-est. You know what makes a baby cute? Baby fat. Babies with chiseled faces and sculpted abs are just plain creepy. The more fat your baby looks, the cuter they will be. Chubby cheeks attract pinches from aunts, untranslatable baby babbling from adults and good marks from baby pageant judges. Maintaining that baby fat is going to take more than anything Gerber can provide in pure form and that's where these mini burgers come in handy.

The Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers consist of three mini burgers with sirloin patties topped with American cheese, grilled onions and ketchup in between a sweet mini bun. Each burger is roughly 2.5 inches in diameter and 2.5 inches tall, thanks to the quality bun and the thick sirloin patty. Its size is just about right for the mouth and appetite of a baby. A BK Burger Shot is smaller and will fit into a baby's mouth much better, but the Mini Sirloin Burger definitely looks much more appetizing.

The use of the sirloin patty was a good touch because it gave the burgers a nice slightly peppery taste and more calories, sodium and carbohydrates than the BK Burger Shots, which will help keep babies plump and cute, because a fat happy is a happy baby. . . that can steal the hearts of judges. The grilled onions in the burger were quite noticeable, which added a nice flavor to go along with the sirloin patty, cheese and ketchup, but will cause bad marks on scorecards if the baby's bad onion breath isn't taken care of before the competition.

Overall, I liked the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers and thought they were much better tasting than the BK Burger Shots. I think the use of sirloin patties made the difference. I also think they are a great way to ensure babies look their cutest for baby pageants. So if you're a wrong-minded mother who wants to put their young son or daughter (but hopefully daughter, because there aren't beauty pageants for boys) through a possibly psychologically damaging competition, the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers are all you need to keep your kid doughy cute.

And if you're entering a daughter, winning baby pageants can lead to child pageants, then teen pageants, then beauty pageants and then years of therapy and/or a possible pictorial spread in Playboy for your child.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 3 mini burgers – 748 calories, 29 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1606 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar and 42 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $3.99
  * **Size:** 3-pack
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Good tasting burgers. Will help keep babies fat and cute. Definitely better than the BK Burger Shots. Just fits into a baby's mouth. Quality bun. High in protein. Thick sirloin patty. 3 grams of fiber. Winning baby pageants.
  * **Cons:** They maybe small in size, but all three burgers combined have a lot of calories, saturated fat, and sodium. Not cost efficient. Pack of three makes it hard to equally share with another person, unless you're willing to fight over the third burger. Mothers who live vicariously through their children. Losing points for bad baby' breath. Years of therapy.

## Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal (Jumbaco)

Dear Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal,

By the time you read this, I'll be eating a salad with a low-fat balsamic vinaigrette. I apologize for doing this, but it's something I had to do for the both of us. I know this might come as a bit of a surprise to you, especially because you're so cheap and mostly delicious, but I need to be far away from you as possible. I think you're wonderful and me love you long time, but I don't think we're right for each other.

First of all, we're not very compatible. With 2,178 milligrams of sodium, you're a salt lick and that does not go well with my high blood pressure. You like clogging my arteries and I like them unclogged so that I can properly distribute blood throughout my body. Heck, we don't even enjoy the same types of movies and music. I still don't understand your fascination with Pokemon movies and your love for the Jonas Brothers. Also, what's up with you and all those Betamax tapes?

My gut tells me that I should be with you every day, but my heart says the opposite. And I'm going to listen to my heart because if I were to stay with you, there's no way my heart would be able to take it.

You have to admit that we met under desperate situations. I only had $3.25 in my wallet and you needed a gimmick that would encourage people to spend money during these tight times. Your Jumbo Jack, two beef tacos and small order of natural cut fries for $2.99 is hard to resist. Your Jumbo Jack is delicious because it's so simple. It's just a beef patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, mayo and ketchup in between a bun. Your natural cut fries are decent fare because they're a bit too soggy for my tastes. And your beef tacos are probably the worst fast food tacos ever, but combined with the other two for a $2.99 price tag makes me forget that they're greasier than a used Yugo salesman. In the end, I guess you only loved me for my money, no matter how small of an amount it was.

Anyway, I want to eat other cheap meals that won't make my heart explode...if I can find some. But if you like, we can still be friends with benefits. So maybe once in awhile, when I want to be naughty, I can come over and nibble at you. Let me know if you would be willing to do that.

So take care of yourself and good luck.

Sincerely,

Marvo

PS – I went down on a Whopper and Big Mac at the same time while we were together.

  * **Item:** Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 Jumbo Deal – 1236 calories, 66 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 8 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 2178 milligrams of sodium, 1591 milligrams of potassium, 122 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 35 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.99
  * **Purchased at:** Jack in the Box
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Cheap and mostly delicious. Jumbo Jack is tasty. Fries are decent. Great source of protein. Great for a cheap date. Friends with benefits.
  * **Cons:** Extremely unhealthy. Does not include drink. Does not include Accupril (high blood pressure medication). Jack in the Box tacos are the worst fast food tacos. Jonas Brothers. Pokemon movies. Used Yugo salesmen.

* * *

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The Other Guys

VI.

The Other Guys

## KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl

I want to mouth kiss the KFC Chickengineer who came up with the KFC Famous Bowl. I don't care if it's a man, woman, bionic chicken, or the computer that reads the thoughts of Colonel Sanders preserved brain, which holds the only list of all 11 secret herbs and spices.

When I find that person, I'm going to treat their mouth just as good as they treated mine when I ate their way to feed me popcorn chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and cheese in bowl form.

I also want to mouth kiss the KFC Chickengineer who developed their new KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl, but not because I was to thank them for creating it, but to help me get rid of all the saltiness in my mouth.

You'd think combining a KFC Famous Bowl with bacon would be one of the tastiest forms of gluttony ever and make the computer that's hooked up to Colonel Sanders preserved brain feel the emotion of happiness, because after all, like resting my head on the bosom of a well-endowed woman, bacon makes everything better. However, with the KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl, that's not the case.

The bacon comes in small chopped bits and, before being eaten, my KFC Cheesy Bacon bowl looked like it was caught in a bacon hailstorm or a drunk bacon fairy went a little crazy with the bacon dust. Actually, the amount of bacon isn't surprising because there's a lot of everything in this bowl, especially mashed potatoes, gravy, and meaty pieces of popcorn chicken. I was surprised by how heavy the KFC Cheesy Bacon bowl was. So much so, that I felt compelled to weight it.

It's hard to taste the bacon, because there are so many pieces to this fast food puzzle called the KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl. It's there, but it gets lost among the chicken and gravy. The bacon doesn't make it better. All it really does is make it saltier, and that's sad because I had high expectations for the combination of the KFC Famous Bowl and bacon. As matter of fact I was so eager to eat it that I forgot to take a photo of it before mowing it down with my KFC-issued spork, hence the half eaten bowl above.

However, with that said, I have to say I enjoyed the KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl. But just as much as the original KFC Famous Bowl, because they're pretty much the same tasty amalgamations.

WATCH: "HOW HEAVY IS A KFC CHEESE BACON BOWL?" | THE IMPULSIVE BUY

  * **Item:** KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Not available on website yet, but a regular KFC Famous Bowl has 680 calories, 280 calories from fat, 31 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 2,130 milligrams of sodium, 74 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $4.99 (most other places $3.99)
  * **Size:** More than a pound
  * **Purchased at:** KFC
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** As good as the KFC Famous Bowl. Heavy. Lots of bacon bits. Sporks. The KFC Famous Bowl. Meaty pieces of popcorn chicken. Lots of mashed potatoes. Lots of gravy.
  * **Cons:** Bacon doesn't make it better. Bacon makes it saltier. Just as unhealthy as a KFC Famous Bowl. Not being able to meet the KFC Chickengineer who created the KFC Famous Bowl and make their mouth feel as good as they made mine.

## Wendy's The "W"

"W" can mean a lot of things. It is the 23rd letter in the alphabet. It could be the line of luxury hotels owned by Starwood properties. It's the name of the glossy fashionista magazine that nobody reads but it looks great on your coffee table. It also reminds me of a campaign used by a certain former President. Currently, it means a hamburger that promises each heady mouthful will be packed with the flavor of pickles.

Meet Wendy's new and arrogantly named hamburger The "W." Yep. It. Is. THE. "W!"

I have to admit the name commands attention. The "W" conjures up ideas that this burger is the beginning and end of all fast food hamburgers. The ornate packaging would have me believe The "W" is not merely a double meat patty with cheese between two pieces of bread. No, it is the sandwich that will bring about world peace, help you find the mysterious God particle (that's Higgs Boson to you brainiacs) and hold promises of giving your partner multiple orgasms.

Like the hucksters of yesteryear offering a tonic for all that ails you, most things that promise too much are bound to disappoint. Anybody who has played Skyrim or seen this season of _The Walking Dead_ knows what I am talking about.

The burger is eloquently wrapped in white paper to suggest that what you are actually carrying is a fine marbled rib eye freshly cut from the butcher. Underlining the importance of this sandwich and adding to the pomp, it is tucked in a folder shouting all kinds of things like "fresh!" and "quality!!"

That, however, is where the facade ends and what you have is the fast food equivalent of a Pandora's Box. Comparable to the Big Mac, The "W" has two patties, special sauce, tomato, pickles, red onion and two slices of cheese. And trust me, the sauce is very special which I will get to in a minute.

The promotional pictures for The "W" appeared nothing like the actual burger. My sandwich consisted of two limp square beef patties bordering on a chic gray color scheme. There's the obligatory cheese topped on each slate. A wilted leaf of iceberg, a depressing slice of tomato, some pickles and slivers of red onion complimented the disaster. Then the sauce was slathered sloppily on the bun, which was toasted but not buttery as Wendy's promised. I could be wrong since freckle face was so heavy handed with the sauce.

Now about that sauce the website states is the savory signature sauce with hints of tomato, pickle and red pepper. To hint is to suggest slightly, but for Wendy's it means to grab you by the head, slam your face into the wet spot on the carpet, nose buried deep and then scream in your ear "BAD DOGGIE! BAD BAD BAD DOGGIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

If the sauce is signature, it is not a graceful Hancock. It is a scrawled letter X signed by an incompetent psychopath who flings their own poop at the television when the theme song to "The Price is Right" comes on. The sauce is so briny and strong with pickles, it tastes like thousand island dressing amped up with mega-ultra-relish. It is also very vinegary which intensifies the brine and is off-putting. Honestly, drinking a douche would rival the tang of the sauce.

This did not help the cadaver-like meat or the drippy cheese or the lettuce which seemed like an afterthought. The toasted buns were soggy. It was like a victim of a circle jerk but the loser did not eat the bread. The only positive note was the red onion which added a nice sweet and spicy bite. However, you would be wise just to buy a red onion and eat it like an apple.

I am surprised by this evil offspring from hell because I normally like Wendy's. I have fond memories of The Baconator. The website said "it is doubly amazing" and they list it as a premium hamburger. This sandwich is no more amazing in the single sense than it is twice. Forgetting to flush the toilet after a dinner of tripe sauteed in black bean sauce and reconstituted dried salted fish is more amazing. Damn, emptying the contents of my used condom on to a hamburger would be more amazing!

Wow, I'm really angry about this. When I eat at a fast food place, I'm not expecting meat at Luger levels but I'm also not expecting inmate cafeteria dreck. I agree there are so many tasteless "potty jokes" in my review. Yes. But they taste much better than this burger. "Big flavor doesn't have to mean big bucks," touts the website. The flavor is indeed very big, but Wendy's forgot to make the flavor good.

  * **Item:** Wendy's The "W"
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 580 calories, 290 calories from fat, 33 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fats, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,480 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and 32 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.99 (sandwich only)
  * **Purchased at:** Wendy's
  * **Rating:** 3 out of 10
  * **Pros:** You can pick up a Frosty or a Baconator while there. The red onions add a good kick. Images of people flinging poop in top hats make me laugh. Toasted buns are a good idea. Freckles.
  * **Cons:** The beef, the cheese, the pickle, the tomato. The sauce is too briny. Saying things that are "double amazing" when you cannot even get to the "singular" amazing. Loser eats the bread. Speaking of bread, the nice texture of toasted buns are nullified when it becomes soggy due to too much sauce. Skyrim, like seriously what am I supposed to do next?

## Wendy's Signature Sides (Mac 'N Cheese, Baked Sweet Potato, and Chili Cheese Fries)

You know, you've got to hand it to Wendy's — they really are making an effort to step up their game. As we discussed previously, the little red-haired girl is on her toes recently to stay ahead of emerging competitors like Five Guys, despite having recently gone regicidal on Burger King in terms of overall U.S. sales volume. This has led the flame-tressed siren to double down on greater variety and better quality ingredients. Today, we're looking at the latest result of this rebranding, three new "signature" side dishes.

Though I've always been a burger and fries guy, I understand the wisdom of trying to branch out a little with a healthier option (Baked Sweet Potato) and one you normally don't associate with fast food (Mac 'N Cheese). The Chili Cheese Fries are obviously more in line with Wendy's usual offerings, but if you're craving fast food but are also counting calories, the sweet potato — at least in theory — would make a nice compromise.

But enough about theory, let's dive into the food. I began with the Mac 'N Cheese and was happily surprised with the size of the bowl it comes in. It's definitely a side dish rather than a full meal, but you get a decent amount of pasta, even if the bottom of the container is a little higher than it looks from the outside. Another nice surprise was the quantity of cheese — the macaroni is literally SLATHERED in it. My wife felt it looked artificial, but I was just impressed by how much of it there was. Of course that's irrelevant if it tastes like roasted turd, but luckily this didn't.

It won't win awards for innovation or being _haute cuisine_ , but it's definitely a solid macaroni and cheese dish with plenty of creaminess and good texture. A little more bite would've been great (a small amount of chili powder can really make a mac 'n cheese), but I have to label this one a definite success.

Then there's the Baked Sweet Potato. Confession time, folks: I really had a difficult time with this dish. I love regular potatoes and I'm okay with sweet potatoes mashed or pureed, but this may have been my first experience with a baked sweet potato. Let us say the veiny texture, combined with the gooey cinnamon butter, made me, um, queasy. I don't blame Wendy's — it's my issue, not theirs, and my wife liked it perfectly well — but I could barely stomach more than a few bites. To be fair, the cinnamon butter spread carried a distinct sweet taste that was good on its own, and it was a large potato that should do a nice job of filling you up. Unfortunately, texture was a definite problem, and the taste of the potato itself was not overwhelming. But while I wasn't a fan, if you know you like baked sweet potatoes, I imagine you'll enjoy this.

And finally we have the Chili Cheese Fries. Here's a good example of how what you eat growing

up influences you: when I went away to college, I learned that what I knew as "chili" is what the rest of the world calls "tomato soup with some chili powder and ground beef in it." It turns out most people put beans and peppers and pieces of tomato in their chili, if you can believe that shit. Unfortunately Wendy's has opted to use this more "traditional" form of chili on their fries, but for the 99.99 percent of you who didn't grow up with Chili For Kids Who Won't Eat Anything, that should be perfectly fine.

As you can see, they didn't skimp on the chili or the cheese. The number of fries seem fine, not unbelievably generous but acceptable. I thought the cheese tasted okay, though not as flavorful as that found in the Mac 'N cheese dish. There are a TON of beans, but since you're eating fries, you need to be using a fork or spoon to really get them in your mouth — trying to consume this dish like regular fries invariably results in eating a fry with some cheese and a little bit of chili residue left on it. I also can't say there's a lot of heat to it, so if you prefer your chili with some bite, Wendy's does not have you covered. Overall it's a filling side dish and people who enjoy thick, chunky chili will get their money's worth, though they'll also be getting their calories' worth and that of a couple of other people too.

In the final tally, I would get the Mac 'N Cheese again; it definitely wins the side dishes competition I just made up. The chili cheese fries are in there for the silver medal, if you're willing to loosen your belt and eat fries with a fork instead of just your hands. Alas, the sweet potato pulls up the rear — it's a nice thought and the low calorie option is appreciated, but the texture just wasn't appealing, even if the cinnamon butter was. But as I said, even if they aren't all winners, kudos to that ginger tart for making the effort. You don't get better without trying some new things.

**Editor's Note/Disclaimer:** We received a gift card from Wendy's in order to try their new Signature Side Dishes. Yup, a gift card. Because FedEx-ing the products would've been gross.

  * **Item:** Wendy's Signature Sides (Mac 'N Cheese, Baked Sweet Potato, and Chili Cheese Fries)
  * **Nutrition Facts:**

  * **Mac 'N Cheese** : 1 bowl – 370 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of total fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fatty acids, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 940 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugars, and 17 grams of protein.
  * **Baked Sweet Potato** : 1 large sweet potato – 380 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 69 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of dietary fiber, 29 grams of sugars, and 6 grams of protein.
  * **Chili Cheese Fries** : 1 serving – 570 calories, 270 calories from fat, 30 grams of total fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fatty acids, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1200 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugars, and 18 grams of protein.

  * **Price:** $2.76 (each)
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Wendy's
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10 (Mac 'N Cheese), 4 out of 10 (Baked Sweet Potato), 6 out of 10 (Chili Cheese Fries)
  * **Pros:** Non-standard fast food fare. None of the three side dishes skimped in quantity. Mac 'N Cheese emphasized the "cheese" part and tasted great. Cinnamon butter was sweet and flavorful on its own. Sweet potato is low in fat. Not crazy expensive.
  * **Cons:** Seems more expensive when you remember you can get a Jr. Cheeseburger and small fries for the price of a "side dish." Finding out your entire conception of chili is based on a lie. Texture of the sweet potato. Fries got kinda soggy under all that chili and cheese. Little heat to the chili.

## Wendy's Spicy Guacamole Chicken Club

John Cusack was wrong. The world will not be destroyed by a Mayan calendar. It will come to an end by an angry and determined reanimated Dave Thomas stomping on the competition to the soundtrack of Joy Division's "Transmission" then the Universe.

How else to explain their shrewd ability to kick the King out on his ass and entrench themselves into the number two spot? Ronald McDonald should be afraid or at the very least slice Grimace up like Han Solo did to a Tauntaun and hide inside. I too would be scared of a zombie Dave Thomas in red pigtails.

Like the long-term girlfriend I had back in college, my affair with Wendy's has been tumultuous. Sometimes I was all right with what I ate. Other times I was so disappointed I would watch a Uwe Boll film just to make myself happy again. I know a lot of you out there are extremely passionate about Wendy's which makes me chuckle. To Wendy's merit, they have worked hard to distinguish themselves from the big two.

Wendy's is somewhat successful in an attempt to place themselves above the grease-shacks and giving customers a higher end fast food experience. Witness the sea salt fries,Black Label burgers, and signature drinks. On a side note, sea salt has become so ubiquitous like the ahi tuna of the late nineties.

Perusing the Wendy's menu demonstrates an uppity foodie vibe. The new Spicy Guacamole Chicken Club fits right in with what reanimated Dave Thomas demands you to eat before he takes your soul like Shang Tsung (cue Mortal Kombat shout).

The folks at Wendy's went ahead and picked up the tab for me to try the latest offering. However, I really fumbled the first time. Besides the enjoyable texture, I thought the sandwich was just okay. My wife asked why it was called a club since there was no sign of the promised Applewood smoked bacon and club sandwiches have bacon. I said "shut up" and threw a sea salt fry hitting her left boob. Things bouncing off breasts make me laugh, but she was right – where the hell was the bacon?

Strange but true, Seventh Day Adventists own the property where this Wendy's was located. Hence, no bacon in my club. They don't eat pork which makes me wonder if their Baconator is just a plain cheeseburger with a wrapper in large red fonts? However, back from the dead Dave Thomas snarled and demanded I buy another at a different Wendy's to truly get the experience.

The sandwich was wrapped in clean white butcher-like paper to underline the high-end feel. Ranch and guacamole smeared on butter toasted buns houses the entire ensemble which consists of a tomato slice, lettuce, a black pepper encrusted battered chicken breast that is adorned with a slice of pepper jack cheese, and sweet salty thick bacon slices. That sounds like a bold flavor megamix that only the likes of Bobby "I'm on a lot of reality shows" Flay can wrangle.

I believe there is no better first time bite than something that is simultaneously creamy and crunchy. Now that doesn't mean I would dollop Cool Whip on pork rinds because mouthfeel or not, the thing has to be tasty. Although that combo does sound good after coming home late hammered on cheap scotch. It's a proven equation, the creamy condiments and battered chicken is akin to buffalo wings and bleu cheese so of course this would work.

The guacamole is as authentic as the Mexican cuisine from Chipotle but here's the surprising part, there are real chunks of avocado. Among the creamy bites are diced tomato and bits of onion. It is a step up from the questionable green globs some places try to pass off as the condiment, so I was a bit impressed.

Said chicken was very moist, no doubt helped by the thick encasement of peppery batter which was awesome. As most things that tend to orbit close to ingredient overload, the pepper jack cheese gets lost in the guacamole. To be honest so did the ranch dressing and I am not sure there was a need for it anyway since the guacamole tempers the fried chicken.

They say bacon makes everything better right? It does because without it, the sandwich was slanting towards mediocre. However the bacon's sweetness really compliments this towering 770-calorie behemoth. The two flavors that really come to the forefront are the sweet smoky bacon and the pepper.

I love spicy heat and I went through a phase where I would put Sriracha, the Thai hot chili sauce, on everything. Like my wife does with Reddi-wip, I would squirt that stuff straight into my mouth. So the sandwich is not as spicy as I would like but I have to say this colossus heat lingers and has a good punch.

Speaking of punch, the sandwich with bacon or not, is a little too salty at times for my taste buds. As you can imagine some bites reminded me of gulping seawater when a wave crashed on me unexpectedly when I was a little boy.

The high sodium levels are not a surprise considering and the number of fat grams would make Dr. Oz wage war with a sharpened tongue depressor. Hey, assholes, this is not diet food, it is a hedonistic guilty pleasure between two slices of bread. Sometimes you need that in your life and despite the saltiness, it's not that bad.

Who needs a return of the living dead, red pigtailed Dave Thomas to crush your neck to kill you? Eating a couple of these in one sitting should give you a tasty coronary failure massive enough to blow up your heart Michael Bay style. Speaking of explosions, since the sandwich is practically an encyclopedia of all things yummy, it was freaking messy to eat. I grew frustrated at how things slid off or splooged out like a porn moneyshot. This happened to both sandwiches.

Messy or not, I would recommend at least trying this sandwich from Wendy's once. It is a step above the similar fried chicken choices from other chains. While Wendy's and I will still have that hate/love relationship, I have to give credit for what they have done. They are raising expectations from a fast food perspective. Win or fail, Wendy's is at least offering something different and isn't that what we want in the end?

**Editor's Note/Disclaimer:** We received a gift card from Wendy's in order to review their Spicy Guacamole Chicken Club. We hope our aunts and uncles will give us gift cards for Christmas in order to buy something we want, instead of giving us clothing from Sears or chocolate Santas.

  * **Item:** Wendy's Spicy Guacamole Chicken Club
  * **Nutrition facts** : 770 calories (less if you go to the pigless Wendy's), 42 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,790 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and 41 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $4.79 to $5.49 (sandwich only)
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased:** Wendy's
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** There are creamy chunks of avocado. The peppery batter on that chicken is delicious. Joy Division. Spicier than most offerings than other fast food restaurants. Bouncing things off boobies. Bacon.
  * **Cons:** It is so messy to eat which is annoying. Some of the flavors get lost. Can be a bit salty. Picturing a red pigtailed back from the dead Dave Thomas frightens me. Every Uwe Boll film ever. Baconless.

## Pizza Hut P'Zolo (Buffalo Chicken, Meat Trio, and Italian Steak)

When I was a child I would grab pizza crusts and pretend I was one of those boss villains chomping on a cigar yelling things like: "Get them boys and show em' what it means ta dubbahcross me" or "Those guys will never know what hit them!" I got in trouble once because I lit the end of a crust and attempted to smoke it. That was the earliest of many disappointments and shame I have brought to my honorable family. Damn you, tiger mom.

Well, forget about play cigars, I cannot do that with these P'Zolos for two sad reasons. One, they are too big. Two, they are really greasy.

The P'Zolo resembles a limp stromboli. It is less dense than a calzone but has more filling inside than a Hot Pocket, albeit not as fun. Pizza Hut is trying out some new concepts on their menu but I'm not sure what the thinking is behind these tubes of cheese and meat. I do know that, like Hot Pockets, you need to eat these quick because when they cool off, they become a congealed rubber cement of cheese and meatstuffs.

Speaking of meat, vegetarians are, unfortunately, screwed in the broccoli because the three varieties contain meat, which is fitting with the phallic nature of these P'Zolos. I guess you could order one without animal carcass, but I won't. Because at my neighborhood Pizza Hut, I don't want to be "one of those" who gets the eye roll, which is normally reserved for those who shop at Whole Foods.

Each P'Zolo has a nice aroma. The yeasty scent combined with Asiago cheese is rustic and welcoming, that is, until you open the box. Not one of my P'Zolo resembled the pictures advertising them, instead they were ill formed and looked shrinkled (my word for shrunken and wrinkled).

The other problem (besides this product giving me anxiety over penis size) was that each P'Zolo was scored, allowing the cheese and meat to ooze out, which contributing to its greasiness. All of the advertised pictures show them intact with the cheese and meats encased. This probably keeps the cheese melted longer as mine started to solidify into a glop.

Yes, they weren't pretty, but if we didn't put ugly things in our mouths, no one would eat a raw oysters or French kiss my stupid grad school ex. Anyhow, I had to get all three flavors because they were so cheap. Each one comes with your choice of ranch dressing (which is prepackaged like one would find in a convenience store salad) or fresh marinara sauce in a small Styrofoam cup.

The Buffalo Chicken P'Zolo intrigued me as buffalo chicken is quickly becoming a throwaway flavor and can range from tasty to overpowering vinegar tang that makes my balls shrivel (or shrinkel). The crust had a nice chewy give and the nutty taste of Asiago complimented the dough. After biting into the P'Zolo, my skepticism faded. The buffalo sauce drenched chunks of chicken were tangy and mildly hot, which was awesome. The bits of grilled chicken were shredded and uneven indicating that this is the real stuff and not processed chicken slurry from a can. I liked that quite a bit, however the best part was the spicy tingle mellowed by the creamy mozzarella. The chicken was mildly smoky and the punch of vinegar from the buffalo sauce added a nice element.

On the other end of the spectrum, I had to use a fork because the grease just poured out and made the crust soggy. If you look at my pictures, it looks like a crowd of Black Friday shoppers who met an enlightened end via an oversized redneck pickup truck careening into Best Buy to pick up $5 Git-R-Done comedy DVDs.

The ranch dressing added depth and it actually tasted like I was eating a plate of hot wings without the mess of wet fingers. I enjoyed this to some degree but not enough to buy it again. The flavors are solid but I love ripping into crispy fried chicken skin, and there's no replacement for that, except a slug of whiskey.

My next P'Zolo, the Meat Trio, was disastrous, and I mean _Hellgate: London_ disastrous (those of you who got suckered into the lifetime subscription, like me, know what I am talking about). This P'Zolo was stuffed with Italian sausage, pepperoni and ham. The oily, translucent Asiago crust was muted, as well as the mozzarella, because of one simple fact: It was P'zalty!

I can only believe this P'Zolo was seasoned by the tears of thousands of underpaid Pizza Hut employees, which are then reduced over medium heat for fifteen minutes and another generous sprinkling of salt. It does not help the pepperoni is a little salty anyhow.

Speaking of the pepperoni, I love it on top of a pizza but for whatever reason when encased in this cheese pipe, it was gross to me. Don't get me wrong, I love a good pepperoni calzone but I'm not sure why this did not work for me. Maybe the acne level oils pulsating from the meat buried in cheese grossed me out. You would think some sauce might help, but dipping it into the marinara sauce is similar to dousing a kitchen fire with oil. I could only take a couple of bites before I tossed it with contempt back into the box, you know the way that bad guy did to that kid in 2008's _Rambo_.

Not only was this a strong salt lick of a snack, the black pepper from the sausage also overrode the flavors. I love Italian sausage but this tasted more like Jimmy Dean crumbles you add to a harmless breakfast casserole. I think you could use the Meat Trio P'Zolo as a torture device; make someone eat it with only their own saliva to quench their thirst.

Finally, I reached for the Italian Steak P'Zolo. The thick slices of sweet and smoky steak are a great compliment to the mozzarella. The green peppers and onions were plentiful, like a good Steak-Ummms, and the flavors all played nice. The flavor of the Asiago crust blended well with the steak, but the crust was also soggy like a bloated corpse found in those underwater horror films I watch too often.

If you do get this one, I would suggest eating it naked (the P'Zolo, not you, unless you're into that) because the sweet tomato flavor from the marinara dipping sauce only lower the intensity of the nice beefy, cheesy and onion combo. There is no alchemy that can bring pleasure like the carnal nature of beef and melted cheese.

Another critique is that the P'Zolo will make you want a hot slice of pizza. Midway through eating one, I was left with an unanswered desire. It is akin to ordering a chicken breast at a steak house, then sitting at a table looking forlorn at everyone's aged cuts while you sadly shovel bland shrinkled poultry in your maw.

Sure, I liked the few bites of the P'Zolos I had, but, again, it will not be a repeat purchase. I think the problem is that I want either a pizza or a calzone. The P'Zolo fits somewhere in between and, according the advertisements, maybe it is supposed to replace a submarine sandwich. It's like the _Back to the Future_ series, sometimes I want to see the 1985 classic. Other times, I am in the mood for the grimmer second installment (still waiting for a bottle of Pepsi Perfect). But, like the P'Zolo, I don't have a use for the third one, except for that ZZ Top single.

  * **Item:** Pizza Hut P'Zolo (Buffalo Chicken, Meat Trio, and Italian Steak)
  * **Nutritional Facts:**

  * **Buffalo Chicken P'Zolo** : 420 calories, 12 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1350 mg of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of protein.
  * **Meat Trio P'Zolo** : 550 calories, 28 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1310 mg of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 24 grams of protein.
  * **Italian Steak P'Zolo** : 400 calories, 12 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1130 mg of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 21 grams of protein

  * **Purchased Price:** $3.00 each or $5.00 for two
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Pizza Hut
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10 (Buffalo Chicken)
  * **Rating:** 4 out of 10 (Meat Trio)
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10 (Italian Steak)
  * **Pros:** The chewy crust with nutty Asiago adds a nice rustic touch. Affordable. Real chunks of grilled chicken. Pretending pizza crust are cigars. The smoky sweet slices of steak. Crispin Glover in _Back to the Future_. Heavy handed with the onions. Shrinkled, the word. "Doubleback" by ZZ Top.
  * **Cons:** The soggy, depressing oily crust. Meat Trio is not worth the price regardless of how cheap. The scoring of the P'Zolo caused the cheese to congeal into a clunk of rubber. Actually lighting and smoking pizza crusts. Heavy handed with the salt for the Meat Trio. Pretend Crispin Glover in the sequels. Shrinkled, the action. Food that makes you question penis length (stay away foot-long Subways).

## Domino's Stuffed Cheesy Bread (Cheese, Spinach/Feta, and Bacon/Jalapeno)

It's a wonderful time for cheese lovers. Cheesy Christmas music is playing everywhere, Cheeseheads can purchase shares of the NFL champion Green Bay Packers, and Domino's recently introduced their new Stuffed Cheesy Breads. While watching another Packers victory as well as the 60 Minutes segment on Michael Bublé's Christmas special, my roommates and I decided to make it 3-for-3 on the cheesiness for the day and ordered all three Stuffed Cheesy Breads varieties: Spinach/Feta, Bacon/Jalapeno, and Cheese only.

The Stuffed Cheesy Breads looked like big calzones with garlic and cheese seasoning on top. One order had eight pieces, with each piece weighing in at 140-160 calories. Normally we'd be concerned about such high caloric intake, but since it took us so much energy to sit on the couch in our underwear and watch football that day, we felt completely justified in carbo-loading before the rigorous evening TV lineup. I had expected the orders to come with marinara sauce, and I was disappointed to find out that wasn't the case. But sometimes life throws you curveballs, and all you can do is roll with the punches and mix your sports metaphors, so we dove right in sans dipping sauces.

Domino's claims each Stuffed Cheesy Bread contains as much cheese as their medium pizza. The pieces on the ends, then, were akin to the pizza crust, as no cheese was actually inside the two end pieces. The remaining six pieces really were quite cheesy. The gooey mozzarella and cheddar mix on the inside played well with the different texture and taste of the crusty Romano cheese seasoning on the outside. Similarly, the top of the bread had an appropriate amount of crunch, while the inside was soft and doughy (though occasionally too doughy). The bottom of some pieces got to be a bit soggy and grew soggier as we slowly made our way through each Stuffed Cheesy Bread.

The Cheese Only one was fine but quickly became boring, especially in the absence of any dipping sauces. I won't ever order it again if only because the other two varieties were clearly tastier. The Spinach/Feta Stuffed Cheesy Bread contained a reasonable amount of both titular ingredients, and the sharp, salty tanginess of the feta really shined. I only wish the feta had been spread more evenly throughout the order. The Bacon/Jalapeno one had a hefty amount of both ingredients, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the bacon came in actual strips and the jalapeño came in whole slices that gave the Cheesy Bread a real spicy heat. I suppose I don't have any Bacon/Jalapeno-specific complaints, unless you count the fact that Domino's doesn't use a tilde in their spelling of jalapeño (in which case, you and I would probably make great friends, but possibly only because you've driven away all your other friends with your grammatical nitpicking).

One final thought: This might sound silly to a lot of you, but it kind of bothers me not to know what role these Stuffed Cheesy Breads should play in a meal. Is it a side dish or is it a main dish? Breadsticks are clearly appetizers, but ordering bread stuffed with the cheese of a medium pizza to serve as the appetizer to an actual pizza feels like a convenient semantic loophole for fat people to exploit. (Note: I may be one of these fat people.) If you don't particularly care about the identity crises of your foods, just go out and get cheesy this December. Take a Lactaid supplement, turn up the Michael Bublé Christmas album, and order a couple Domino's Stuffed Cheesy Breads.

  * **Item:** Domino's Stuffed Cheesy Bread (Cheese, Spinach/Feta, and Bacon/Jalapeno)
  * **Nutrition Facts:**

  * **Cheese** : 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 420 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.
  * **Spinach/Feta** : 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 260 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.
  * **Bacon/Jalapeno** : 160 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 350 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

  * **Price:** $5.99 each
  * **Purchased at:** Domino's
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10 (Cheese Only), 7 out of 10 (Spinach/Feta), 8 out of 10 (Bacon/Jalapeno)
  * **Pros:** Really cheesy. Nice contrast between gooey mozzarella and cheddar on the inside, crusty Romano on the outside. Top of bread has crunch, inside of bread is soft and doughy. Spinach/Feta had good amount of spinach and feta. Bacon/Jalapeno had tons of bacon and jalapeños. Bacon came in strips. Jalapeños came in whole slices, which added some nice heat.
  * **Cons:** Bottom of some pieces grew soggy. Two of eight pieces had no cheese inside. Didn't come with marinara sauce. Cheese Only got boring fast. Feta could have been more evenly spread. Domino's doesn't use a tilde when spelling jalapeño. Grammar nitpicking. Semantic loopholes. My roommate is going to be mad when he reads I think Michael Bublé's music is cheesy.

## Domino's Artisan Pizza (Spinach/Feta, and Italian Sausage/Pepper Trio)

When I signed up to review Domino's new Artisan Pizzas, I immediately began thinking of disparaging comments to make about their choosing to use the word artisan. "Domino's employees are to artisans," I imagined myself writing, "as the Noid is to a relevant cultural icon." That's not even the cleverest or pithiest analogy I had lined up, if you can believe that's even possible.

I was so ready to do the whole snarky-blogger thing, but Domino's has preempted any snark by actually embedding it into their ad campaign. The text on their new pizza boxes starts with, "We're not artisans, we don't wear black berets," and their new TV ad vilifies some vaguely French chef who's acting like a prima donna. By acknowledging the images associated with artisans and wink-winking at the ridiculousness of their artisanal aspirations, the folks at Domino's have managed to take all the fun out of making fun of them. (Although it's great we can all still make fun of the French, what is with those berets, amirite?)

While they could get out in front of my snarkiness, I knew they couldn't stop me from criticizing their crappy pizzas, and I was intent on writing a blistering review. There was only one problem: these pizzas were actually pretty good.

Each pizza was rectangular and cut into eighths, with all the toppings reasonably well-distributed across the slices. Both pizzas had crusts that were thinner and crispier than usual Domino's fare but still structurally sound enough to support the toppings.

The Spinach/Feta pizza had alfredo sauce, feta and parmesan-asiago cheeses, fresh baby spinach, and onions. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there was a significant amount of feta, as its sharp tanginess was the primary flavor of the pizza. In some places the cheese was spread almost from edge-to-edge, leaving the crusts quite tasty, as well. The spinach and onions were noticeable in their contributions to the texture of the pizza, but I wish there had been more of each topping, as both were mostly overwhelmed by the feta.

The Italian Sausage/Pepper Trio had parmesan-asiago cheese, sliced Italian sausage, and red, green, and banana peppers. The sausage was nothing special; it had some sweetness but wasn't particularly spicy. I imagine it was the same as can be found on any other Domino's pizzas, but serving it in thicker slices rather than the usual crumbles seemed to hold in the flavor better. The green and red peppers added some mild crunch, but they were completely upstaged by the banana peppers. The banana peppers were the clear-cut stars of the Pepper Trio, much like Beyonce to Destiny's Child or Joe to the Jonas Brothers or somebody else that would make you look less poorly upon my musical tastes. I had never ordered a pizza with banana peppers before, but their strong vinegary, spicy presence on the Italian Sausage/Pepper Trio has convinced me to add banana peppers to the toppings rotation from now on. A generous dusting of oregano rounded out a pretty well-made pizza.

As far as other complaints go, the pizza was relatively pricey and fairly small compared to their regular offerings (they measure in at 13″ x 9″, so roughly the size of one of their medium pizzas for the price of a large). Still, I give these pizzas a thumbs-up, and they're certainly better than Domino's re-launched pizzas from last year. Domino's, you guys are running some annoyingly self-aware ad campaigns, but as long as you keep up the tastiness of these Artisan Pizzas and the Francophobia in your commercials, I will make sure to keep my blogger snark in check.

  * **Item:** Domino's Artisan Pizza (Spinach/Feta, and Italian Sausage/Pepper Trio)
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1/6th of a pizza

  * **Spinach/Feta** \- 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.
  * **Italian Sausage/Pepper Trio** \- 160 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 330 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.

  * **Price:** $7.99
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** Domino's
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10 (Spinach/Feta), 7 out of 10 (Italian Sausage/Pepper Trio)
  * **Pros:** Crust was thinner and crispier than regular Domino's pizzas. Spinach/Feta had significant amount of feta cheese spread from crust-to-crust. Italian Sausage/Pepper Trio had delicious banana peppers and thickly-sliced sausage. Vilifying French people. Referencing the Noid. Beyonce's having a baby!
  * **Cons:** Not enough spinach and onion to stand out against the feta. Green and red peppers were kind of useless. Pizzas were a bit expensive for the size. Domino's pre-empting my snark. Spellcheck not recognizing snark as a word.

## Subway Smokehouse BBQ Chicken Sub

I have good news and I have bad news when it comes to Subway's new Smokehouse BBQ Chicken sandwich. The good news is that's it's significantly better than just smearing BBQ sauce over Subway's "Oven Roasted" Chicken. The bad news is that you may very well incur the wrath of an esteemed sandwich "artist" in ordering one.

If the guy smoking freshly-killed chicken with Applewood out back in his shack in the North Carolina woods is the Rembrandt of the barbecue universe, then I suppose we should extend the metaphor and proclaim Subway's very own "artists" as the equivalent of first graders during arts and crafts time.

I knew the sandwich was new and expected some kinks going in, but the look of befuddlement I received when asking for the sandwich (despite, I should add, several prominent displays in the windows for it) was enough to make me wonder if my artist had even brought her brushes to work. That she continued to refer to the meat as "pork" and asked me if I wanted cheese with it made me question if it wasn't "switch place with your spouse at work day," but the real kicker was when she proceeded to grow noticeably angry at my polite insistence that she construct this masterpiece to include whatever the picture called for.

Clearly, I must not understand tasteful art.

But I do understand barbecue, and when it comes to something you can order at a suburban fast food restaurant, this is about the high point. Obviously that's not saying a lot should you live south of the Mason-Dixon Line, but who are we kidding, this is a Subway review. The chicken itself is an admirable stab at smoked and pulled chicken. Despite coming from one of those dreaded pre-portioned containers held in a refrigerator, it manages to convey a certain less-than-cloying sweetness with an unexpected lightness of acidity and tang of apple cider vinegar.

The shredded chicken has a mild spice and hint of smoke flavor, which, I'm almost 100 percent certain, was conveyed in the meat and not just the sauce. The meat avoids any fatty strings or cartilage, and has a succulent taste about it which could pass for the kind of really solid imitation pulled chicken BBQ your Weight Watchers Aunt (or Charles Barkley) makes in the slow cooker. Above all, it's a step up from Subway's floppy Oven Roasted Chicken, which, even with barbecue sauce, mostly just tastes like rib meat and salt.

That said, the portion is meager and looks nothing like the advertisement. Crunch (like slaw) is needed on top, while a potato bread base could go a long way to imitate the authentic barbecue experience. Some shaggy interior decorating and southern rock music wouldn't hurt to inspire the faux atmosphere either, although something tells me that may clash with the artist process.

If you prefer chicken to beef, have exactly four dollars (plus tax) to spend, and decline to dine outside the confines of fast food restaurants, I can see this being a frequent purchase. If, however, you happen to just be some schmuck who's running late for work and falls victim to unrealistic advertisements (like me), then I would suggest passing. That is, unless you insist on some finger painting and stick figure drawing, for which I'm sure your sandwich artist would be happy to provide on your complimentary napkin.

  * **Item:** Subway Smokehouse BBQ Chicken Sub
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 6-inch sandwich – 380 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 950 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 5 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 32 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $4.00 (6-inch)
  * **Size:** 6-inch
  * **Purchased at:** Subway
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Chicken gets good BBQ sauce coverage and has a nice smokey-sweet flavor. Not too salty. Better than Oven Roasted Chicken. 32 grams protein (allegedly). Fingerpainting.
  * **Cons:** Getting yelled at by a sandwich artist. Holding up the line at Subway. Too little meat. Needs crunch. Bring your own Skynyrd. Admitting I don't dislike healthy crock pot "BBQ" chicken.

## Subway Western Egg and Cheese

Right now, I'm chillin' like a villain who gave every superhero an ass whippin' because I just ate what I consider to be one of the best Subway sandwiches I've ever had: their Western Egg and Cheese.

I don't understand how a sandwich so simple could stimulate my taste buds in a way I haven't experienced in a long time with a Subway sandwich. The Western Egg and Cheese consists of only ham, cheese, eggs, red onions, and green bell peppers in between a flatbread.

I'm surprised it didn't come with some kind of barbecue sauce, because if eating fast food has taught me anything besides eating fast food is bad for me, it's that any fast food item with "western" in its name must have barbecue sauce, like the Burger King Western BBQ Cheeseburger and Hardee's Western Bacon Thickburger. But, again, it doesn't have any, nor does Subway offer barbecue sauce, so it appears they're breaking one of the cardinal rules of fast food.

Since there's no barbecue sauce, I wondered why Subway called it the Western Egg and Cheese. To find out, I put on my cowboy hat and leather chaps, which were probably unnecessary because finding out didn't involve riding a horse, or even going outside. It just involved me, a computer, and Google.

It turns out there's a dish called the Western omelet, which is filled with ham, onions, and green bell peppers. I didn't know about it because I know it as the Denver omelet. If I was a foodie, I probably would've known that Western and Denver omelets are the same. Also, if I was a foodie, I probably wouldn't eat a Subway Western Egg and Cheese, instead I would turn up my nose at Subway and head to a weird part of town where there's a quaint, hole-in-the-wall sandwich shop that has many five star reviews on Yelp, crappy parking, and for some reason is closed on Tuesdays.

I've eaten enough Subway sandwiches to span across the length of several football fields, and with most of them they need mayo, mustard, or some kind of sauce to make them palatable. But with the Western Egg and Cheese no liquid condiment is necessary. The red onions and bell peppers do a wonderful job of giving the sandwich flavor, but not overpowering the cheese, ham, and egg. The flatbread is tasty, warm, and soft, but doesn't fall apart easily like other flatbreads.

Sure, the eggs patties they use look unnatural and look like they came from a giant egg from the Flintstones, and a Western Egg and Cheese footlong has over 2,400 milligrams of sodium, but even with those faults, I still think it's a really good Subway sandwich.

  * **Item:** Subway Western Egg and Cheese
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 6″ with egg whites – 350 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,200 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 24 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $6.00
  * **Size:** Footlong
  * **Purchased at:** Subway
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10

## Subway Oven Crisp Chicken Sub

Yes. No. Yes.

Those are the answers to the following questions about Subway's new Oven Crisp Chicken sub.

Are they really prepared in an oven? Yes, the pieces of breaded chicken are heated up in Subway's proprietary toasting oven (yes, the same one they toast the bread in).

Are the breaded oven baked chicken pieces crispy? No, they are not at all crispy.

Are they using real pieces of chicken? Yes, they are real pieces of chicken. Although, after eating them, some might disagree.

Preparing the Subway Oven Crisp Chicken sub looks like it's a pain in the ass for the Sandwich Artists behind the counter. I ordered a footlong on Italian bread with honey mustard sauce, lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers, and while it sounds like a simple sandwich, it sure took awhile to make. The guy who made my sandwich had to stick the two pieces of chicken in their super-duper proprietary toasting oven for what seemed to be a long time when you have a slowly growing line of people wanting you to make a sandwich for them.

But all that time spent in an oven that, to be honest, doesn't even do a good job of toasting bread, didn't help with making the exterior of the chicken crispy. I couldn't hear or feel any crispiness. Oh, the sandwich did have a little crunchiness, but that was thanks to the lettuce and cucumbers I put in it and definitely not the chicken.

If you look closely at one of the pieces of chicken in this sandwich, it looks like there are some herbs in the breading. However, whatever flavor is in the breading, it easily gets lost if you add any condiment. Even a bite of chicken, sans honey mustard sauce, had very little flavor. Along with not having much flavor, the chicken is also a bit dry, which is actually par for the course when it comes to any Subway chicken sandwich.

Overall, I think the Subway Oven Crisp Chicken sub is slightly better tasting than Subway's Oven Roasted Chicken. Although, to be honest, that's not saying much since I don't think too highly of the Oven Roasted Chicken sub.

  * **Item:** Subway Oven Crisp Chicken Sub
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 6-inch sub – 420 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6.7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 940 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 23 grams of protein.)
  * **Price:** $7.00
  * **Size:** Footlong
  * **Purchased at:** Subway
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** It's new. Slightly better than the Subway Oven Roasted Chicken sub. The bread is making my bones strong.
  * **Cons:** It takes awhile to make. Not crispy. Chicken didn't have much flavor. Subway's proprietary ovens can't make chicken or bread crispy. Vegetables provided all the sandwich's crunchiness.

## Panda Express Shanghai Angus Steak

With menu items like Beijing Beef and their new Shanghai Angus Steak, it's safe to say Panda Express likes using alliteration and Chinese locations in their entree names, so I'm hoping the next item that pops up on Panda's menu is Canton Chicken Feet.

If you're a Chinese cuisine expert, or read Wikipedia entries about Chinese cuisine for 15 minutes, you would know Shanghai is not known at all for steak. Instead, Shanghai, one of the most populated cities in the world, is known for two other foods that begin with the letter S: seafood and stinky tofu. While I could see Shanghai Shrimp being served at Panda Express, I don't think most American palates and olfactory organs could handle stinky tofu.

But back to Panda Express' new Shanghai Angus Steak, which consists of thick slices of Angus Top Sirloin marinated with Asian seasonings, asparagus, mushrooms, and Panda's new zesty Asian steak sauce.

PanEx wasn't kidding when they said on their website that this entree has "thick cut slices" of Angus steak. (Yes, I'm going to start calling Panda Express, PanEx, like I call American Express, AmEx. Be one of the cool kids and do the same.) Look at the photo above. Then look at the photo below. Some of those chunks are the size of baby limbs.

Baby limbs!

And they're also as tender as I imagine baby limbs to be. Occasionally, there was some connective tissue or something else, which made part of the meat a little tough, but 98 percent of the time the thick steak slices were easy to chew. The Angus steak also has a nice flavor that wasn't overwhelmed by the dish's sauce, which I'll talk more about in a moment.

The mushroom slices were also substantial. Their size made me wonder if any Smurfs are now homeless. As for the asparagus, the stalks were chopped into one inch pieces, but there weren't any asparagus tips in the two Shanghai Angus Steak servings I purchased. The "zesty Asian steak sauce" tastes like a light teriyaki sauce with a slight kick at the back end. I could've done without the zesty part, but the rest of the sauce was pleasant and, again, it didn't drown the flavor of the steak.

The Shanghai Angus Steak isn't as tasty as PanEx's Beijing Beef, but it's significantly healthier. A serving of Beijing Beef has 690 calories, 40 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, and 890 milligrams of sodium, while a serving of Shanghai Angus Steak has 220 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, and 910 milligrams of sodium.

Just like when you order a shrimp entree at PanEx, you have to pay an extra dollar for the Shanghai Angus Steak. Is it worth it? I say yes.

  * **Item:** Panda Express Shanghai Angus Steak
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 serving – 220 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 910 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $9.69 (2-entree plate)
  * **Size:** 2-entree plate
  * **Purchased at:** Panda Express
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Baby limb-sized slices of Angus steak. Huge mushrooms. Tender steak. Pleasant Asian steak sauce. One of the healthier items on the menu. Good source of protein. Calling Panda Express, PanEx.
  * **Cons:** Not as tasty as Beijing Beef. Zesty part of sauce seemed unnecessary. Charging an extra dollar per serving. Around for a limited time. Not as tasty as Orange Chicken. Stinky tofu. Homeless Smurfs.

## Panda Express Garlic Lover's Chicken Breast

I might be one of the few people on Earth who eats the fortune cookie _before_ digging into a styrofoam takeout tray of Panda Express food. I prefer to know my fortune before knowing what faux Chinese food tastes like just in case I get a fortune that says: "You have paid for this meal, but get ready to pay for it again."

During my latest visit to Panda Express to pick up their new Garlic Lover's Chicken Breast, I received an extra fortune cookie. After opening each cookie and reading their fortunes, I wondered if one of them was trying to tell me something.

The first one said: "Your warmth radiates on those around you." It was a fortune I received before, and I didn't think anything of it. However, the second one said: "People in your background will be more cooperative than usual."

That fortune made me wonder if the amount of garlic in Panda Express' new entree would make the people in my background be more cooperative than usual because the people in my foreground are frozen by my garlic breath.

Along with a vampire-repelling amount of minced garlic, Panda Express' Garlic Lover's Chicken Breast also includes broccoli, red bell peppers, baby corn, white meat chicken, and a savory black bean sauce. However, despite what appears to be a cockblocking amount of garlic, the dish isn't as garlicky as I would like.

But, there's enough garlic to make baby corn taste better. Although, there's not enough garlic in the world to make them less creepy to eat. Maybe it's just me, but there's something weird about eating undeveloped corn. It's like the vegetable equivalent of balut). It doesn't even taste like any corn I've had, and I've had it cobbed, canned, creamed, and sold to me in popped form in a movie theater for seven dollars a bag.

The black bean sauce wasn't noticeable and I didn't even know it existed until I did some research for this review. To be honest, if this entree is supposed to be for garlic lovers, it should have some kind of garlic sauce. As for the rest of the dish, the broccoli is always a welcomed addition because it makes me think I'm eating something healthy, the red bell peppers were just there for color, and if you've had Panda Express' Mushroom Chicken, then you know what the chicken's texture is like.

Personally, I wish this dish was call Breast Lover's Garlic Chicken, because that would make me giggle like a 12 year old boy. Overall, I thought the Garlic Lover's Chicken Breast was decent, but I don't see myself ordering it again because the amount of garlic flavor it has doesn't make me feel like its aroma would radiate on those around me.

  * **Item:** Panda Express Garlic Lover's Chicken Breast
  * **Nutrition Facts** : 5.8 ounces – 180 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.)
  * **Price:** $6.59
  * **Size:** 2-entree
  * **Purchased at:** Panda Express
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Broccoli. Lots of garlic pieces. Good source of protein. Corn on the cob. Panda Express' Orange Chicken.
  * **Cons:** Despite the amount of garlic pieces, it wasn't garlicky enough for me. Baby corn freaks me out. Black bean sauce wasn't noticeable. Balut. Getting fortune cookies that warn you about the Chinese food you just ate/are about to eat.

## Starbucks Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino

I adhere to a lot of the unofficial guidelines for being a proper yuppy 20-something. I own a half dozen cardigans and am beginning to curate a "crazy" sock collection. I have business cards but only use them to try to win free lunches. I spend more time complaining about my deteriorating metabolism than actually figuring out how to adjust my dietary and drinking habits.

And of course, I keep a Starbucks rewards card that automatically re-loads when my balance falls below $10.

Despite going to Starbucks a couple times each week to fulfill my yuppy responsibilities, I don't think I've purchased a Frappuccino since my teenage years, when I would hang out at Starbucks to feel more grown-up. Back then, the Orange Mocha Frappuccino was a completely fictional drink, and I could reference _Zoolander_ quotes all the time without getting weird looks. (My last realtor wasn't amused when I said, "the apartment has to be at least three times bigger than this!")

I do have fond memories of those pre-yuppy, Frappuccino-drinking days, so I had high hopes for the newest version, the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino. To make sure that I was judging the new Frappuccino on the right scale and not against, say, my usual Starbucks order (grande skim latte, no sugar, extra espresso shot if my first meeting of the day is before 9:00 a.m.), I purchased a regular mocha Frappuccino to remind myself what these types of drinks taste like. And I was reminded that these types of drinks taste really good. If it weren't for that stupid metabolism, I would totally start ordering these again.

Given that I apparently have the exact palate of my 16-year-old self, I would say that the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino was better than the regular one, but really not by very much. The barista added three scoops of cookie crumbles and three pumps of chocolate mocha sauce to my drink. I think the crumbles were of some kind of Oreo-esque chocolate cookie, but it was honestly hard to tell what flavor they were because the taste of the mocha syrup was so much stronger. At first, the crumbles were underwhelming in their contribution to texture, too, since they were blended down to the exact same size as the ice. As the ice began to melt, however, the cookie crumbles allowed the Frappuccino to retain some crunchiness. Even then, the crunchiness was a little too close to graininess for my liking.

The real positive differentiator for the new Frappuccino was the chocolate whipped cream on top. The hint of chocolate sweetness made it more interesting than regular whipped cream, yet it remained much milder than the rich mocha flavor of the drink itself and acted as a nice change of pace.

Since the whipped cream was the part I liked best, I guess I should recommend that you forgo the extra cost of a specialty Frappuccino and just order any Starbucks drink with chocolate whipped cream instead of regular. Just be careful of the hordes of yuppies our sock/cardigan combos might get too crazy for you to handle.

  * **Item:** Starbucks Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 16 ounces – 470 calories, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 76 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 69 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $4.95
  * **Size:** Grande/16 ounces
  * **Purchased at:** Starbucks
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Regular mocha Frappuccinos are already good. Cookie crumbles added some crunchiness. Chocolate whipped cream was mildly sweet and a nice change of pace for the drink itself. Zoolander quotes.
  * **Cons:** Cookie crumbles didn't add any taste. Crunchiness was too close to graininess. Lots of sugar and fat. Having the same palate as 16-year-old me. My metabolism. Complaining about my metabolism.

## Dunkin' Donuts Texas Toast Grilled Cheese Sandwich

I don't eat breakfast on-the-go very often, usually opting for a simple bowl of cereal and some OJ at the kitchen table with my kids. Very Norman Rockwell. But on rare occasions – like if between the baby and me it's been a 3-diaper-change morning, or one where I have to shave, put the garbage out, AND explain why you can wear the sparkle shoes or the pink shoes but not the pink sparkle shoes – well, I might have to skip the suburban flakes and grab something on the way.

When that happens, it's always Dunkin' Donuts and I invariably get the same thing: a bismark, and a chocolate glazed (January-August) or pumpkin donut (September-December). This does not change, because while there are other donuts I like, those are the best. Feel free to disagree (everyone should take up a lost cause once in their life), but it should help you understand why I recently confused myself by walking into DD and not only not getting my usual order, but not getting a breakfast food whatsoever.

That is, of course, due to DD's latest offering, the Texas Toast Grilled Cheese. Sort of a lunchtime offshoot of the recent Big N' Toasty Breakfast Sandwich, your first thought on seeing one might be that it looks like they took the BN'T and stripped out the bacon and eggs. And. . . there would be a lot of truth to that, as it does play sort of the basic model compared to the fully loaded BN'T.

To be specific, the new sandwich is two thick pieces of Texas toast with two slices of American cheese and one slice of cheddar in between. The whole thing is ironically oven toasted rather than grilled, served hot (or in my case, kinda warm).

Any good grilled cheese sandwich obviously lives or dies by the cheese. If you were hoping the Double D was going to get esoteric with their diary selection, guess again – American and cheddar are about the most predictable options they could've gone with. The other side of that coin is that those are the most popular cheeses because they're both really good. However, I still think DD might've increased this sandwich mass appeal by giving us a few options to choose from, like Monterey Jack or Swiss. But they didn't, so you'll get American and cheddar and like it. And I did, mostly. The cheddar had just a bit of kick to it, slightly sharp, which I like in a cheddar. But it was mostly overwhelmed by the decent but standard American cheese, no doubt due to the 2:1 ratio. Both kinds were melted well, another key component of any successful grilled cheese. Overall, my impression of the cheeses was that they're pretty good, but not exactly lighting the world on fire.

Ironically, my favorite part might've been what's traditionally the most boring aspect of a sandwich, namely the bread. Texas toast is one of those foods that's fantastic when done well but really disappointing if it's either under-toasted or burned. Fortunately mine was just the right texture, toasted perfectly so that it was soft enough to easily dig into, but with enough crunch to feel satisfying. It also tasted buttery, another must-have.

But that's really it, because the cheese and the bread are the only two components of the sandwich. Apparently it can be customized with bacon or ham, but DD might be shooting themselves in the foot by not better advertising that I didn't see any such option listed on the menu and my server didn't offer it. Which is a shame – I would've been willing to throw in a few more cents or a saucy wink in exchange for meat, because that's the kind of carniv-whore I am. Other than the missing pork, I didn't mind too much because I'm a sandwich minimalist, but those who like to indulge in things like "pickles" and "condiments" and "fixins" will no doubt be left wanting worse than my high school girlfriend. You know, when she didn't get into the college she wanted. Obviously.

Finally, not for nothing, but the fat and sodium content are more worrisome than my longstanding crush on Erin Esurance. (Whatever, I'm not the only one – the internet told me so!) The sandwich is pretty filling, but unless it's the only thing you're eating for lunch, it could easily have you packing on the ell-bees. I know, unlike the rest of Dunkin' Donuts' fare, but still. Moderation is advised.

  * **Item:** Dunkin' Donuts Texas Toast Grilled Cheese Sandwich
  * **Nutrition Facts** : 1 sandwich – 510 calories, 270 calories from fat, 30 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 940 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, and 18 grams of protein
  * **Price:** $2.99
  * **Size:** 1 sandwich
  * **Purchased at:** Dunkin' Donuts
  * **Rating:** 6 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Breaking out of your routine. A little bite to the cheddar. Melty, melty, melty. Crunchy Texas toast. Buttery flavor. Fairly filling. Ability to add meat.
  * **Cons:** Not publicizing the ability to add meat. High fat and sodium content. Lacking in the ingredients department. No additional cheese selections. I can make this exact sandwich in my kitchen in 5 minutes.

## Dunkin' Donuts Angus Steak and Egg Sandwich

Is it me, or is Dunkin' Donuts just constantly trying out new stuff? I've been with TIB for a year and a half, and I swear they've rolled out at least a half dozen different products within that time. And that's just hot foods; I'm not even counting new donuts or drinks. Far be it from me to tell a massive multinational conglomerate how to run their business, but is that really productive? How is there even time to analyze market data on how a product is being received before it's gone and replaced by something new?

But ultimately, that's not what we're here to answer; you're wondering whether DD's latest offering, the Angus Steak and Egg Sandwich, is worth a try. Or you're bored at work and they've disabled Minesweeper on your computer. Either way, let's get down to business. The Steak and Egg sandwich is being marketed as a very masculine sandwich. It drinks whiskey straight from the bottle. It has only cried twice in its life. (It's father's funeral and at the end of _Old Yeller_.) And if there's truth in advertising, it will help you "Show Your Morning Who's Boss." This is a sandwich for men, manly men, the kind who build skyscrapers, tame wild animals, and "wear the big boss pants." Stay away, ladies – you couldn't handle this sandwich. Why, one bite would send you scurrying back home to your momma. Angus doesn't need you and it doesn't want you.

Hopefully that's also true of the men who'll be consuming it, since the Angus Steak and Egg comes standard on an onion bagel, meaning you won't be locking lips with anyone after eating it. That's okay, real men don't have time for kissing anyway. Since I'm a writer and thus not particularly manly, I got mine on a plain bagel, but be aware you have to ask for that – onion is the default, which could be a nasty surprise if you're not expecting it. On a plain bagel, it smells good, though not substantially different from most breakfast sandwiches; in other words, the cheese and egg contribute more to the aroma than the steak does.

Appearance-wise, it looks. . . above average. The cheese, steak, and egg are all clearly visible within the sandwich from almost any angle, and when you remove the top you see they didn't skimp on any of the components. As the picture illustrates, my bagel got burnt, but hopefully that was user error specific to my server instead of just the way they're made. On the other hand, the cheese was quite melted, which is great. Can't complain about the size of the Angus patty, though I'll offer that it looks more like a standard fast food hamburger than anything you'd actually think of when hearing the word "steak."

As for the taste, it's quite good, assuming you're able to manage your expectations. If you're genuinely expecting the equivalent of a nice porterhouse or New York Strip steak on your mass-produced breakfast sandwich, well, I guess you're out of luck. (Also, dumb.) It tastes a bit like adding eggs to a cheesesteak, and I don't mean that as a criticism. I found that the combo of the cheese, egg, and steak melded well together in my mouth, warm and savory with reasonable juiciness. The bagel was decent, crisp enough but, again, relatively burnt. Taken as a whole, the sandwich was both filling and tasty.

Not nearly as impressed was I by tearing off a small piece of just the steak. It's not bad, but fair or not, the word "Angus" conjures up a certain beef pedigree that can be hard to live up to. This is like Angus's great-grandson, the one who gets a cushy executive job at the family business and is told to just show up most days and try not to knock up his secretary. And like a 4th generation executive, it seems much more impressive when bolstered up by the hard work of its undervalued support staff, eggs and cheese. Together they make a good team and can actually capitalize on the steak's strengths while effectively masking its limitations. For that reason, I'd call the Angus Steak and Egg Sandwich a relative success and encourage you to try one sometime in the next two weeks, before it gets replaced by the Lobster Bisque Croissant or whatever.

  * **Item:** Dunkin' Donuts Angus Steak and Egg Sandwich
  * **Nutrition Facts** :1 sandwich – 630 calories, 230 calories from fat, 26 grams of total fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 255 milligrams of cholesterol, 1390 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of total carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugars, and 34 grams of protein
  * **Price:** $3.99
  * **Size:** 1 sandwich
  * **Purchased at:** Dunkin' Donuts
  * **Rating:** 7 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Always something new to try. Good smell. Cheese is melted nicely. A sandwich that'll put hair on your chest. Doesn't skimp on the egg or steak patty. Won't stick around long enough to get boring. Cheese and egg meld nicely with the steak for a savory taste.
  * **Cons:** Onion bagels. Burnt. Women who come within 10 feet of this sandwich often become spontaneously pregnant. 85%(!) of your recommended daily intake of cholesterol, and 58% of the sodium. The steak on its own is uninspired.

## Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer

I'm a little skeptical the limited-time only Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer smoothie has the ability to cheer me up. After all, I have yet to bust a cold with Jamba's Coldbuster, achieve nirvana by drinking their Strawberry Nirvana, or get horny while sucking down a Caribbean Passion smoothie, even when I'm also sucking on a Peach Pleasure at the same time.

By the way, sucking on two Jamba Juice smoothies at the same time is called a ma jamba trois.

If there ever was a time to test the Apple Cinnamon Cheer's ability to turn my frown upside down, it would be now, because it's raining outside, I just found out my favorite T-shirt has a hole in it, NBC's _Community_ isn't on the network's midseason schedule, and I just found out Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are divorcing, which means, if they can't make it, it doesn't give me hope for me and Cloris Leachman.

While I have my doubts that Jamba Juice could blend a smoothie that brings me cheer, there's also a part of me that thinks it might be possible because if there are two things that can bring a smile to my face it's the combination of apples and cinnamon. If warm apple pie a la mode doesn't bring a smile to your face, you either have no heart, are allergic to cinnamon, or you're Snow White and you've never gotten over your fear apples.

The Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer smoothie contains apple-strawberry juice, soy milk, cinnamon, an apple cinnamon base, frozen yogurt, bananas, peaches, and ice. It's not surprising to see Jamba Juice use cinnamon in their latest smoothie since cinnamon is a common flavor during the fall season. It's just as common during these fall months as two other ingredients found in the smoothie – tropical bananas and summer peaches.

The smoothie looks like applesauce, or if you hang out in the aisles filled with Gerber bottles, it may also look like baby food. However, I assure you it tastes better than applesauce and much better than baby food. Jamba Juice's Apple Cinnamon Cheer tastes as if someone left an apple pie on a windowsill for too long on a frigid day, a passerby steals the pie, gets rid of the crust, dumps the innards of the pie into a blender, blends it, then dumps the contents into a cup, and sucks it through straw. Or if you prefer the shorter version, it tastes like the filling of an apple pie, which is the best part of the dessert.

The Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer smoothie is really good and I have to say that its cinnamon flavor did cheer me up. But, that happiness quickly went away after I sucked out the last of the smoothie. So like any pharmaceutical upper, I guess I have to keep sucking on an Apple Cinnamon Cheer to maintain some level of cheeriness. But, I don't mind because I could see myself getting brain freezes regularly from it, whether I drink it by itself or joining Caribbean Passion, Peach Pleasure, and me for a ma jamba quatre.

  * **Item:** Jamba Juice Apple Cinnamon Cheer
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 1 Power Size/30 ounces – 630 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 145 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 122 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 50% vitamin C, and 15% iron.
  * **Price:** $5.95
  * **Size:** Power (30 ounces)
  * **Purchased at:** Jamba Juice
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Tastes like apple pie filling. Brought me cheer while drinking it. Looks like applesauce. Nice cinnamon flavor. Ma jamba trois brain freezes. NBC's _Community_. Apple pie a la mode.
  * **Cons:** A cold smoothie might not be appropriate for some to have during the fall/winter months. Cheer went away after drinking it. Looks like baby food. Limited-time only. Have yet to bust a cold with a Coldbuster smoothie.

## Jamba Juice Fruit and Veggie Smoothies (Orange Carrot Karma, Apple 'n Greens and Berry UpBEET)

Fruits are sexy. Vegetables are not.

Think about it. Large breasts on a woman's chest are also called melons, not cabbages; sex education teachers don't use carrots or cucumbers to show students how to put on condoms, they usually use bananas; Adam and Eve used fig leaves to cover their naughty bits; and a peach looks like a round, sexy ass in tight red and yellow Spandex.

Since vegetable aren't sexy, I became concerned when I heard about Jamba Juice combining them with fruits to create their new line of Fruit and Veggie Smoothies. I thought it would make the fruits in them less sexy. Sure, combining the two could be like the pretty girl who surrounds herself with less attractive friends to make her look prettier, but if you think about it, those less attractive friends could also bring her down.

Jamba Juice's Fruit and Veggie Smoothies come in three flavors. Berry UpBEET combines strawberries and blueberries with the juices from carrots, beets, broccoli and lettuce. Apple 'n Green brings together apple-strawberry juice with the juice from dark leafy green vegetables, carrots, and lettuce. It also includes spirulina, peaches, mangos, and bananas. Finally, Orange Carrot Karma blends carrot juice, orange juice, mangos, bananas, and ice.

The Orange Carrot Karma is my least favorite of the three because it doesn't do a good job of hiding the carrot flavor. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy carrots and beta-carotene as much as the next rabbit, but I wish it wasn't the most noticeable flavor. The citrus and banana are there, but they're both too light to make the smoothie taste less carrot-y. Perhaps it's called Orange Carrot Karma because it's getting back at me for not eating more vegetables.

If you've had Odwalla's Original Superfood Smoothie, the green one that looks like algae, you'll be familiar with how Jamba's Apple 'n Greens smoothie tastes. The similarity isn't surprising, since the types of fruits both contain are identical, and both also have the nutrient-rich spirulina. However, Jamba's Apple 'n Greens smoothie is lighter in color, which makes it look more like zombie blood. I personally think it tastes better than it looks. The Apple 'n Green smoothie has an unusual fruity flavor at the beginning, mostly the apple-strawberry juice and banana, and then a sweet leafy vegetable flavor at the back end. The aftertaste might be a little weird for some, but just like the Odwalla Original Superfood Smoothie, I really enjoyed the Apple 'n Greens smoothie.

Berry UpBEET is the least veggie tasting of the three. However, it doesn't taste like any of the two berries added to it, blueberry and strawberry. Strangely, the combination of ingredients make it taste like pomegranate. It's a little tart and there's not a hint of vegetables, although I don't think beets have a very strong flavor. It's my favorite of the three Fruit and Veggie Smoothies, but not by much over the Apple 'n Greens.

If your doctor says you need to eat more veggies, then these Jamba Juice Fruit and Veggie Smoothies might get you a serving or two, since a 16-ounce serving contains three servings of fruit and vegetables. Since I really enjoyed two out of the three flavors, I guess sexy fruits and not-so-sexy vegetables can go together, sort of like Ralph and Alice, Doug and Carrie, Peter and Lois, Jim and Cheryl, Homer and Marge, and other mismatched sitcom couples.

  * **Item:** Jamba Juice Fruit and Veggie Smoothies (Orange Carrot Karma, Apple 'n Greens and Berry UpBEET)
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 16 ounces

  * **Orange Carrot Karma** – 180 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 90 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 38 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 430% vitamin A, 6% calcium, 90% vitamin C and 6% iron.
  * **Apple 'n Greens** – 220 calories, 1 gram of fat, 115 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 40 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 240% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 90% vitamin C and 25% iron.
  * **Berry UpBEET** – 230 calories, 1 gram of fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of fiber, 38 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 120% vitamin A, 10% calcium, 100% vitamin C, and 10% iron.)

  * **Price:** $5.00
  * **Size:** Original (24 ounces)
  * **Purchased at:** Jamba Juice
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10 (Orange Carrot Karma), 8 out of 10 (Apple 'n Greens), 8 out of 10 (Berry UpBEET)
  * **Pros:** Beautiful colors. Good source of vitamins A and C. 3 servings of fruit and vegetables. Berry UpBEET tastes like pomegranate. Apple 'n Greens tastes like Odwalla's Original Superfood smoothie. Eating vegetables. Fruits are sexy.
  * **Cons:** Orange Carrot Karma was a little too carrot-y. Apple 'n Greens' flavor might not appeal to some and it looks like zombie blood. Orange Carrot Karma might be getting back at me for not eating more vegetables. Vegetables aren't sexy.

## IHOP Chicken and Waffles

As someone who has never had chicken and waffles from one of the many establishments noted for their chicken and waffles dish, you may think I'm not the best person to review IHOP's Chicken and Waffles.

However, I've watched enough shows on the Food Network and Travel Channel to know what makes a good plate of chicken and waffles. And, as someone who once combined a Cinnabon cinnamon roll with a flame-broiled Burger King Whopper patty to create a monstrosity called the CinnaWhopper, I feel I'm qualified to judge foods that combine sweet and savory.

Traditionally, chicken and waffles include fried chicken breasts and waffles topped with butter and syrup. IHOP's bastardized version takes away the fried chicken breasts, replaces it with four boneless chicken tenders; includes four wedges of Belgian waffles with a container of butter; and adds a little something something called honey mustard dipping sauce.

Now, the honey mustard sauce is a strange addition, and it's the more bastardizing part of the dish. I don't think any of the chicken and waffles places featured on television shows hosted by a chubby guy with bleached spiked hair or a chubby guy with a Brooklyn accent include any dipping sauces with the dish. Traditionally, the dish is enjoyed by combining a bite of the fried chicken with a bite of syrup and waffles, hence the sweet and savory. The honey mustard sauce would throw a curve into that.

I can only come up with two reasons why IHOP included the dipping sauce: 1) It gives people an out to those who try the dish and don't care for the sweet and savory combination. 2) Their chicken tenders suck, and not even the addition of waffles and syrup could make them remotely tastier.

Well, it's probably a combination of the two. The breaded and lightly seasoned chicken tenders look and taste like something I could get from Banquet in the frozen food aisle. The chicken tender's exterior was crispy, but interior ended up being a little dry.

Before I could taste the sweet and savory combination of chicken and waffles, I had to choose from IHOP's array of syrups. I chose to be old fashioned and use their Old Fashioned syrup, which is probably made in a non-old fashioned way. I'm not sure exactly how it's made, but it probably involves large machines that people who do make syrup the old fashioned way wish they had.

Based on what I've seen on television about the chicken and waffles dish, IHOP's Chicken and Waffles probably doesn't come close to being as delicious as what one can get at a dining establishment, like Gladys Knight and Ron Winans' Chicken and Waffles. However, as the bastardization of the amalgamation of chicken tender, waffle, and syrup, I thought IHOP's Chicken and Waffles could've been much better.

The size of the chicken tenders and waffles wedges are equal enough that you can have a bite of chicken with a bite of waffles and not have to worry about either of them running out before the other does. The flavor of the chicken with the waffles and syrup does create an adequate sweet and savory flavor, but I wish the chicken's seasoning was a little stronger. Or, perhaps, it lacks the greasiness that regular fried chicken has, because you know what they say about grease, "Grease makes us obese, but the right release of grease makes taste increase." I also had high hopes for the waffles, after all, IHOP knows breakfast. However, they had a not-so-crispy exterior, a fluffy interior, and they were a little bland. Thank goodness for their Old Fashioned syrup.

Since I have a curious soul, and I occasionally enjoy messing with my taste buds, I decided to combine the chicken, waffles, syrup, and honey mustard sauce into a culinary clusterfuck. The result? It definitely doesn't make it better. It also definitely doesn't make me gag, but the flavor is a bit odd.

IHOP's Chicken and Waffles can probably match the caloric value of a real plate of chicken and waffles from somewhere like Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles with its 1,110 calories. However, it could never equal Roscoe's tastiness. I know. It's a bastardized version of the dish, but I really wish it wasn't, because it makes real chicken and waffles look bad.

  * **Item:** IHOP Chicken and Waffles
  * **Nutrition Facts:** Not available on website, but we do know it contains 1,110 calories.
  * **Price:** $8.99
  * **Size:** N/A
  * **Purchased at:** IHOP
  * **Rating:** 5 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Adequate sweet and savory flavor. Allows people around the country to try chicken and waffles, even though it's a bastardized version of it. Crispy exterior on the chicken tenders. The right release of grease makes taste increase. Old Fashioned syrup. Includes a lot of butter.
  * **Cons:** A bastardized version of chicken and waffles. Makes real chicken and waffles look bad. Chicken tenders too lightly seasoned and a little dry. 1,110 calories. Waffles were a little bland. The addition of honey mustard sauce was a unusual. The CinnaWhopper. Not having eaten a real plate of chicken and waffles.

## Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae

I've already written about my love for bacon a couple times on this site, so I've had to do more research and solicit more suggestions than usual to get new material for this review. (Friends' proposed angles included Bacon the card game, Kevin Bacon, bacon-related April Fool's jokes, and anti-Semitism. I've had such bad writer's block that only one of those suggestions was categorically dismissed, and only because that new Kevin Bacon Google TV commercial really freaks me out.) During my extensive research of bacon, I discovered that, apparently, Bacon-mania is over! Evidently, bacon as national obsession is no longer relevant, interesting, or hip.

And to that I say: GREAT! Now that hipsters and the haute cuisine establishment are "over" bacon, maybe bacon need not be a statement of personality any longer and can once again be consumed simply for one's own enjoyment. The reclamation of bacon by the Everyman has perhaps reached its completion: Denny's, that most accessible of rest stop diners, recently introduced a new "Baconalia" menu, with bacon un-ironically added to such everyday items as meatloaf and pancakes.

Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae is probably the most eyebrow-raising dish on the Baconalia menu; our waitress certainly widened her eyes and expressed some skepticism when we ordered it. But as someone who's always liked to dip his fries in his Frosties (wow, that sounds oddly dirty), I had no doubt that a bacon, maple syrup, and vanilla ice cream combo could absolutely work. Any concoction that hits so many dimensions as sweet and savory, creamy and crispy and gooey, hot and cold has a lot of potential.

The Maple Bacon Sundae definitely lived up to my expectations. The first few bites were the tastiest, as the diced bacon was still slightly warm and was layered on top of an even coating of maple syrup. The flavor emerged in two distinct waves. First came the "maple crunch," where the taste of ice cream and maple syrup was texturally supported by the crunchiness of the diced bacon. Then, as the ice cream began melting away in my mouth, the smoky bacon taste finally shined through. I suppose higher-quality bacon would be more flavorful and allow all three tastes to present themselves at once, but I kind of like having the bacon taste just be a smoky afterthought. You could describe the bacon flavor as the post-coital cigarette of the love-making session that is the ice cream/maple syrup. Or rather, I'll describe it as such, and you can shake your head and pretend I didn't just write that.

Maple syrup on its own is actually an underrated topping for vanilla ice cream, and I'd say it's a viable alternative to chocolate syrup or caramel. But after I made it through the top layer of bacon, I was worried I would be stuck with just syrup and ice cream for the rest of the sundae. Just as I went to go scribble this concern into my notebook, BOOM, I found another layer of bacon! Is there a better surprise in life than surprise bacon? If you just compared eating a bacon sundae at Denny's to having sex, then no, quite clearly there is not.

I do have two relatively small complaints. Much of the maple syrup was poured into the bottom of the sundae glass, leaving it hard to reach without destroying the structural integrity of the ice cream scoops. Since the density of the syrup causes sinking anyway, it would've been better to put more syrup on top and let it slowly make its own way down. Also, some of the bacon pieces were too large and threw the toppings-to-ice cream ratio on my spoon all out of whack. But like I said, these are minor issues.

Altogether, I really enjoyed Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae. I would definitely encourage you to try the sundae as well as any other dishes off the Baconalia menu that tickle your bacon fancy. Reclaim bacon for yourself! Vive la Bacon!

  * **Item:** Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae
  * **Nutrition Facts:** 810 calories, 40 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 150 milligrams of cholesterol, 460 milligrams of sodium, 97 grams of carbohydrates, 85 grams of sugar, and 16 grams of protein.
  * **Price:** $2.99
  * **Size:** 12 ounces
  * **Purchased at:** Denny's
  * **Rating:** 8 out of 10
  * **Pros:** Sundae hits many dimensions (sweet/savory, creamy/crispy/gooey, warm/cold). Maple syrup goes great on vanilla ice cream. Bacon adds crunchiness and smoky second wave of taste. Surprise layer of bacon. Bacon-mania being "over." Dipping fries in Frosties. Coupons.
  * **Cons:** Too much maple syrup at the bottom of the sundae glass. Some bacon not diced small enough. Squeez Bacon not being a real product. Comparing sundaes to sex.
  * **Other Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae reviews:**

  * Grub Grade

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Conclusion

VII.

Conclusion
Congratulations!

You have finished an ebook filled with fast food reviews. If you feel a little rumbling in your belly, this book might've made you hungry. However, if you're a dietician who accidentally bought this book, that rumbling in your stomach is probably nausea.

We covered a saltlick's worth of fast food in this book, but, as you may have noticed, many classic menu items, like the Big Mac and Whopper weren't reviewed. But give our arteries a break. No, seriously, give them a break. Trying to review all the new products fast food companies introduce is hard enough.

Speaking of new fast food items, if you see a commercial for one and want to know how it tastes, there's a good chance we'll have a review of it over at The Impulsive Buy (theimpulsivebuy.com). If we didn't review it, use The Impulsive Buy's contact form to virtually nudge us to do so. Or, if you want to virtually shove us into doing a review, we'd suggest you send your message in all caps with an excessive amount of exclamation points at the end of every sentence.

We'd like to thank you for purchasing and reading this ebook, unless you somehow got it via a torrent site, then, we guess, we'd like to thank someone for seeding this ebook. We hope our taste buds have helped your taste buds.

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## About The Author

Marvo & the Staff of The Impulsive Buy

The Impulsive Buy is dedicated to providing quasi-reviews about various consumer goods. Each review goes off on some tangent, but almost always comes back to complete the review. If it didn't, we wouldn't be a quasi-review website. Instead we would be some quasi-babbling website. TIB has been named a Yahoo! Site of the Day and has been mentioned in Marie Claire and Buffalo Spree magazine. It was also named one of the Top 100 Undiscovered Websites of 2008 by PC Magazine and one of their Favorite Blogs of 2008.

The staff of The Impulsive Buy are not experts, but they do like to try anything that has any of the following words on the product: new, improved, new and improved, better tasting, reconditioned, less fat, fat-free, best-selling, less calories, reduced for quick sale, limited edition, free toy, 50% off, or now with Olestra.

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