Charting the truth about marijuana and cannabis – Just how badly can a BBC Health Editor write an article? An addict's opinions.
As this article covers how not to write about a subject, it is always helpful to have a contrast to compare with. The first linked article appears to have been carefully researched and cites true experiences and facts relevant to the fast developing research into cannabinoids and cannabidiol that expands daily. It also references actual statistics from Colorado describing a lessening in deaths from other substances since the legalisation of cannabinoids denoting further positive indicators that those in the cannabinoid community have been crying out for.
Not as is portrayed in the media by drug addled fools giggling incoherently (that's alcohol users BTW) but by people desperately trying to raise awareness that it is incongruous in the extreme to restrict research into the benefits of any drug, especially if there is a chance it can better the lives of many and even save the lives of many more.
On to the commentary itself then.. In a career where I have regularly been used to shoot down the claims of liars, buffoons and the incompetent, it rarely brings me pleasure to do so. In most cases, I would work with such people to bring a different perspective to their approach in the hope of understanding leading to altered perceptions. I would even defend many to those who had claimed the person intractable or difficult. In some cases however, the person or people deserve to have their nose rubbed in the mess they have imposed on others by the lack of accuracy and effort put into creating their work. In my experience there is generally a direct correlation between these type of people and those who shout about how great their own work is. Some people just don't care to learn.
I am not a journalist nor do I claim speciality in any field beyond that which I work in. I do however read a lot, drawing from medical research papers and studies, news reports from many organisations, my own experience working with dozens of corporate and government organisations and by reading many volumes on military, cultural and linguistic history, besides what I read and watch recreationally. I thus often find myself questioning what actual research and validation a supposedly respected journalism organisation has undertaken of their own employees, when reading articles that seem to say nothing that hasn't already been said. It is even worse if these articles expand upon common misconceptions thus spreading further confusion and disinformation.
Journalism has become a far less respected profession in the modern world. Remarkable really. One would have hoped that, with the dawning of global connectivity and faster dissemination of information, journalists would be able to produce articles of a far higher quality and accuracy, spreading knowledge and understanding to a broadening section of the human race. Shame it seems to be harder and harder to find a consistently trustworthy source that puts quality of articles above quantity.
So now I find myself beginning a long-awaited path into medical science for many reasons. I realise one of the reasons for this is to help destroy the mountains of disinformation that liars, buffoons and the incompetent continue to perpetrate to the detriment of general human health. In starting this journey, I immediately noted the standard expectation for the preparation of a piece of work, particularly in citing sources for information and validation of such information. How is it then with the expectation that most 'professionals' are expected to have studied at least a degree in some subject, there is such poor referencing submitted in most 'news' articles? My excuse is that I'm first and foremost lazy and secondly that I hadn't undertaken any formal education beyond that expected in secondary school until recently. What is theirs?
As a good starting point in my attempts to observe referencing of information, I thought a recent article by a BBC Health Editor, Michelle Roberts (https://www.linkedin.com/in/michelle-roberts-927ba310), deserved greater scrutiny to demonstrate how even respected media institutions are following the premise "Publish something, anything at all, so I can justify my position as a … Editor". It is easy to sit surfing the web, echoing official views as gospel without undertaking any proper research to provide provenance to one's claims (or even, dare I say it, a balanced view).
To be fair, the BBC website is becoming filled with such articles that detract from what is traditionally classified as 'news' so it isn't really entirely fair to single out just one. To be entirely fair, the BBC is one of the few organisations I have worked at where I was truly in awe at the professionalism and talents of some staff, alongside advanced technology and social awareness (For the mid-90s) present in the organisation. So it irks more to see such professionalism now associated with such sloppiness. I had wondered at the time with the closing down of all the old, quirky offices and the move to the shiny new open plan, soulless, White City site, it might kill off something of the spirit of the BBC. It does feel that way on reading articles such as this.
In this world direly in need of accurate and responsible reporting, 'News' needs to be most accurately defined. Separating out Entertainment 'News' from events of significance would be a great start. The Oscars have little significance in terms of global news yet the event is prioritised and given top billing alongside stories about child abuse, assassination and political intrigue. This muddying of what is important is exactly where most news organisations are failing to properly serve the public. Stories about pointless media celebrities who are famed for leaked photos of their private parts may qualify as important news for some, yet by associating such stories with the blanket term of 'news' it creates a cultural belief that poorly educated and opinionated people are capable of deciding the fate of the world, alongside allowing important and significant news items to be marginalised and ignored.
Even as an addicted user and self-proclaimed 'functioning herbaholic' I do not promote the use or advertisement of any so called 'recreational drugs' as I would hope that the factors driving people towards an escape from their lives, managing a condition or the effects of experiences, should reduce as humanity progresses. Most people living busy, comfortable and happy lives will never encounter nor seek to try such things.
In practice though, the causes and sometimes just the predilections of certain people will mean that recreational use of drugs will continue for the foreseeable future. As long delayed research into the benefits of cannabinoids accelerates, we are also now seeing the factual and indisputable benefits of their use in many areas of medicine. I can attest from my own addiction that the presence of negative aspects from abusing cannabinoids is no different from other addictive drugs. The impacts on one's life may be lesser and easier to mask and hide than with many other drugs but they are there all the same and need the guidance of professional medical practitioners to control them. The move towards legalisation can only be good as it will allow people to honestly discuss their use with doctors rather than often confusing a medical diagnosis by not disclosing important diagnostic information, purely for legal reasons.
Finally, some people can do something that makes them feel good at an appropriate recreational time and do not do it at other times. Works for alcohol, as we are all told by even our Health Secretary that anyone responsible can responsibly enjoy alcohol. How does that differ from responsible people responsibly enjoying cannabinoids or other drugs? Probably the demonising of the ill-defined term 'drugs' created this concept that a drug taker has no moral fibre, acts entirely irresponsibly and is a danger to society. Then again, those holding such perspectives completely ignore the regular carnage perpetrated at drinking establishments.
On to the article then. May help to compare side-by-side to get the full context as only key sections are quoted below.
No source quoted nor validated. Same goes for estimates of users who exist in all walks of life. How many people will tell a stranger taking a 'survey' they indulge in illegal activities? My own first sight of marijuana was watching the son of a high court judge throw a bag of weed he'd sold to our English tutor in class, whilst telling the story of how his father kept finding his stash and explaining how much trouble he'd be in if his son were known to be a dealer. Hardly evil drug lords selling on the streets of London to kids is it?
Blunderbuss fear reporting – fire a half dozen unlinked claims in one sentence and hope people don't read carefully.
Based on the NHS page linked in the article and above, 'Cannabis: the facts', the depth of understanding demonstrated therein would seem to reflect the dilettante approach to journalism evinced by the likes of the BBC Health team. Given there are currently around 368 research projects underway relating to cannabinoids in the UK alone and that the official NHS source of 'factual' information was last updated on 30/10/2014, it doesn't take a genius to understand how flawed any data on that page could be. Topical enough for Michelle though.
The proof of research into driving impairment references a French test that states it is twice as likely to cause a FATAL car crash. Not just a car crash – only FATAL ones? Interestingly specific interpretation of something that sounds scary, obviously cannot be proven and thus if it stinks of merde de vache, it probably is.. If, as it is agreed, this drug is in use by tens of thousands of people medically, should the UK not undertake tests of recreational, medical, regular and heavy users to understand, if nothing else, the capability of such people to operate a vehicle and thus if there is any 'safe' or acceptable level? This alongside a timescale for the effects to be deemed an impact to one's capacity to drive? It would also provide valuable information in relation to detecting potential offenders if driving behaviours differ based on the substance in use. Police may stop someone who appears to be driving under the influence of alcohol, it is very unlikely this would occur with users of cannabinoids.
Comparable to those on common medications that people are not generally disqualified from driving whilst using. Hmm.
Smoking cannabis is harmful to lungs. Well, once again this cannot be quantified any more than tobacco as the cause of specific lung cancers when no research is undertaken to map cases of lung cancer to areas of high industrial and vehicular pollution. But it is nice and easy to make this claim as it cannot be separated sufficiently to be disproved or to highlight the true relevance in making healthy choices for our lives. To be completely fair though, common sense would dictate that inhaling any smoke is not likely to be a good long term plan for lung health. So let's give this half marks as the likely true statement mixed in to add credence.
Mental health effects. Nice and easy again to link something that cannot be quantified even by respected professionals in a field, let alone journalistic dabblers. Yet no mention is made of myriad factors that can cause the mental health issues being linked here to cannabinoid use or the common sense and accepted fact that people with pre-existing or underlying conditions should not ingest any psychoactive recreational drugs at all (including alcohol).
Fertility or birth defects. Once again sadly adding in a set of unreferenced data that fits the same as with the lung claims, as no clear separation between the various causal or incidental factors exists.
On the fertility side, I'd guess also the four children I fathered over the course of 12 years having now used cannabinoids daily for around 30 years, is probably just good fortune. Regardless of my statistically irrelevant case, it would be more helpful to explore the fertility and birth defect question in more depth than a headline. Fertility problems in men or women? Birth defect statistics per 100,000 cases? If a cause of birth defects at the least, that must imply an infant mortality rate statistic is also available based on parent(s) using the drug? Come on Michelle, earn your salary..
Empty 'facts' reported from the same All Party Parliamentary Group who claim 'tens of thousands of people use the drug for symptom relief', without any proof of this or the following claims.
No detail provided of the actual survey or number of people surveyed. Most current surveys are also based on such small numbers of participants (due directly again to the suppression of research) that for statistical analysis purposes they are almost entirely worthless.
As you can see based on the capitalised text, only one of these is quantifiably true (i.e. if you are already likely to suffer with a mental illness) but guilt by association allows 'journalists' to distort facts to continue framing a negative effect even in something that is building up volumes of proof to the contrary.
If somebody is predisposed to suffer a psychotic episode in their life, thousands of things can trigger this. Environmental, emotional, chemical impacts amongst them. Why are cannabinoids singled out? Because it makes better copy doesn't it? There are a raft of drugs that would be deemed unsuitable based on the specific condition of any given patient. "The prescription of cannabis would need to be subject to the same controls as any prescription drug used for medical purposes." would be a more accurate statement.
How also does this work then for the cases where cannabinoids are deemed likely to benefit those with particular mental health conditions? Sorry Michelle, it doesn't just fit a single, standard answer. Medical work is like that, you should try it.
How has this been calculated? It took from the publication of La Guardia Report in 1944 until 2006 for the first published medical study to state there are a specific set of conditions denoting cannabinoid addiction and that they fit within similar frameworks as many other drug addictions. That a long term user could list each and every one of the effects on an addict and that they are held as common knowledge in the cannabinoid community, denotes once again the unique aspect of cannabinoids in that the general public has long known more about the effects of this substance than the medical community. Why did it take 62 years to categorically prove something a regular user could have told you in moments?
One could state, "The likelihood of long-term users growing an extra arm from their heads is not understood at present" and be just as headline grabbing. Framing facts accurately would paint a clearer picture, such as stating that it is impossible to be clear on any long-term effects for users as research has not been undertaken for long enough to provide data to draw conclusions from.
All properly researched medical papers that are written by doctors and researchers who actually work in the field of medicine (rather than say someone who spent five years qualifying as a doctor and moved straight into 'journalism' and whose Linkedin profile contains NO recommendations in relation to medical competency) quantify uncertainty as best they can in aiming for the highest levels of accuracy. I would ask specialists working in the field of Neuroscience to qualify if the evidence for cognitive impairment resultant from medicines used to treat various brain diseases is clear? If it is not clear for approved medications, then what relevance has this beyond adding another line to an article?
'A Home Office spokesman said' Well that is far better than 'Heard it off some bloke in the pub'. Far more specific and traceable so it must be true?
No there isn't. Simple. We don't need a new term such as 'fake news' to describe what is simply a lie. This statement is no different to a politician having previously said "There is no link between tobacco use and ill health" until enough evidence piled up to prove them to be entirely erroneous, let alone working for the tobacco industry. There are withdrawal effects and there are specific effects which are not solely due to the use of cannabinoids or relate to their method of absorption but one would have to explain more, rather than cut and paste, to get that across.
Think about it this way, no politician currently makes money from cannabinoids so there is little benefit to legalisation for them. Might take a little longer before the enough income reports arrive from US States that have legalised before our politicians see enough of a nice little earner to support it.
Note even there that Michelle has written her article to denote Professor Barnes' findings differently to his actual words. She does not separate the disorders that have limited or no evidence for and states CATEGORICALLY, there was "limited or no evidence" for all, where Professor Barnes more accurately states "We have found some limited evidence of efficacy, but further studies are required, in;" relating to conditions there is limited evidence for and where Michelle states there is "no evidence", he states, "We have found that there is a theoretical basis, but so far no convincing evidence of efficacy;" 'No convincing evidence' is far from 'no evidence' when we are discussing human lives.
Loses something in translation by a lay person doesn't it?
The self-defeating arguments in Michelle's article also start to increase the more one reads Professor Barnes statements. If cannabinoids can help with Anxiety, sleep disorders, PTSD and Parkinsons, how is it that it is deemed a danger to mental health by an unspecified, unqualified Home Office spokesperson and echoed by a journalist who did a medical degree 16 years ago?
If you're going to write an article, at least learn how to précis a document accurately.
How is it then that other countries have allowed medicinal use to be approved? Could it be that (possibly in a previously known fact?) it is growing harder and harder to prove that cannabinoids DON'T work? Is there therefore a reason governments, who have undertaken a thorough risk assessment for not legalising, wish to quickly make it legal so everyone is too busy working on the future to notice the massive slap in the face humanity has suffered?
It is said, to find the answer follow the money, well here's a money question that governments are praying is not put to a competent class action lawyer.
It is becoming apparent that Marijuana is clearly far better for humans than governments have claimed for many years. Fundamental to this is the subject of legal liability for withholding access to a substance that could have saved countless lives in the past hundred years, yet has been subject to controls that did not exist for any other substance. Cocaine and Heroin have been available to doctors to test and research with, yet not marijuana. The impact of the side effects of any drug prescribed where cannabinoids could have otherwise been prescribed can therefore be used as the negative impact on hundreds of millions of lives in justifying costs sought from health organisations and pharmaceutical companies.
Consider how this is pretty much the opposite argument to tobacco support from governments historically. Tobacco was making a lot of money and was the favoured career path of ex-UK Prime Ministers and MPs after their time in parliament. Pressure from the (unpaid by tobacco) medical community reached a point that liability would begin to play a part. Suddenly many governments' public positions changed (of course out of sight, the likes of Margaret Thatcher still got to sit on the board at BAT during 'retirement') and tobacco users went from promoted (from Grand Prix to Snooker) to vilified (second hand smoke from evil smokers killing rather than general pollution) and their addictions and exposure to unnecessary extra toxins that continue to be added to tobacco, ignored.
Cannabis research is now leading towards proving something that has been illogically withheld from any use with thin justification for decades, could actually help millions of lives become better. Governments and pharmaceutical companies are directly complicit in this act and so… abooooooooouuuuuut turn, quick march, hope nobody notices while we try to create a brand that encompasses ownership of all plant life on Earth so only 'official Monsanto TM' plants may be grown in future..
Were cannabinoids shown to be beneficial in treatment of terminal diseases and governments were shown to have been restricting access to research and testing of this substance, how much would they be liable for to relatives and current sufferers who cannabinoid treatments are too late for? Quite a lot?
Take it one step further and how many pharmaceutical companies could be held liable for providing a drug that negatively affected people's health by treating symptoms of 'incurable' diseases and which contributed to the deterioration in health of those being given no choice but to take the only government approved medicines for their condition?
Perhaps, to hold out a minuscule olive branch to BBC Health employees, you could write an article covering how much money would be saved by the NHS overall, were people not scared to tell their doctors about any illegal substances they use? The fact is that many diagnoses could be improved were doctors to be given a true picture of people's recreational drug use beyond alcohol and tobacco. In practice, most do not. Let's face it, most lie about alcohol or tobacco consumption levels and they are legal. That's not even bringing to bear the rising data from the US covering the reduction in Opiate related deaths following the legalisation of cannabis.
Legalise cannabis to save lives and reduce healthcare loads and costs that will help rescue the NHS? Now that's news worth reading about.
This entry was posted in Cannabis - A Rational Perspective and tagged BBC Health Editor, cannabidiol, cannabinoid research, cannabinoids, cannabis research, legalisation, marijuana, marijuana research, Michelle Roberts, Professor Michael Barnes. Bookmark the permalink.
2 Responses to Charting the truth about marijuana and cannabis – Just how badly can a BBC Health Editor write an article? An addict's opinions.
Probably one of the most erudite portrayals of what is really happening in the world regarding the worlds most blessed bit of green that I've ever read. Excellent work. As an IT Pro/Functioning Herbaholic I can only commend you on your work…………..now I must get back to this bloody public folders headache I was researching!
Hi Joe, Thank you for your kind words. We've come a long way in the thirty years I've been questioning the incongruities surrounding cannabis. It is hoped that by rationally and accurately dispelling the long maintained distortions, the most worthy and helpful uses of this plant can be shared with those who need it the most.
Ahh, Public Folders, many's the night spent stood over a vent in a server room rebuilding them. In the good old days before they were so 'modern'.. Best of luck and much patience to you!


text:
Mad Hot Ballroom
Director: Marilyn Agrelo
U.S.A.| 2005. Colour. Dolby stereo. 110 min.
One of the most unlikely success stories of the year, Mad Hot Ballroom is a perky and effortlessly smooth documentary about New York teens in a citywide ballroom dancing competition and the caring adults who surround them. At its heart, the film is about the making of 'little ladies and gentlemen', in the words of teary-eyed teacher Allison Sheniak of PS 150 in Tribeca. But it's all much less square then it sounds, since director Marilyn Agrelo is able to capture with easy charm and grace what happens between 10- and 11-year-old boys and girls as they break out of thei r childhood shells and interact with each other—and surprise themselves with abilities they didn't know they had.
The documentary takes great joy in the people it films, allowing kids to be themselves at school and home (where the boys and girls let their hair down and say what they really think about the other sex) and showing, even more than Spellbound, jus how important teachers are. The film tends to soften the dangerous lives of the kids at 115, in a poor area of mostly Dominican Republic emigres, but it also shows that, even at age 10, these little one are fully aware of the risks around them and are driven to succeed, and avoid drugs and crime. Besides getting a bevy of cute shots of kids awkwardly trying to coordinate with each other, Agrelo couldn't have been luckier with the story's Hollywood ending, imbued with a sense that what's being observed isn't just kids winning or losing, but lives being saved from the mean streets.

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


text:
Supernatural 11×3
Supernatural: 11x3
While Rowena tries to consolidate her power to protect herself from the Winchesters, Sam and Dean search for a missing baby connected to the Darkness. Meanwhile, Castiel struggles to heal and Crowley tries to find a way to use the Darkness for his own personal gain.
Out of the Darkness, Into the Fire Oct. 07, 2015
Form and Void Oct. 14, 2015
The Bad Seed Oct. 21, 2015
Baby Oct. 28, 2015
Thin Lizzie Nov. 04, 2015
Our Little World Nov. 11, 2015
Plush Nov. 18, 2015
Just My Imagination Dec. 02, 2015
O Brother Where Art Thou? Dec. 09, 2015
The Devil in the Details Jan. 20, 2016
Into the Mystic Jan. 27, 2016
Don't You Forget About Me Feb. 03, 2016
Love Hurts Feb. 10, 2016
The Vessel Feb. 17, 2016
Beyond The Mat Feb. 24, 2016
Safe House Mar. 23, 2016
Red Meat Mar. 30, 2016
Hell's Angel Apr. 06, 2016
The Chitters Apr. 27, 2016
Don't Call Me Shurley May. 04, 2016
All in the Family May. 11, 2016
We Happy Few May. 18, 2016
Alpha and Omega May. 25, 2016


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Student accommodation in the UK - Education for rent
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Publish Date: 20 August 2019
What could be better than tapping into the boom in tertiary education while also reducing exposure to economic risk? Student accommodation has been a fast growing property sector as it satisfies investor demands for more growth and less risk. This piece looks at a recent transaction in this sector in the UK and highlights why student accommodation has investor appeal.
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In early July Unite Group*, a UK publicly- traded landlord, purchased Liberty Living from the Canada Pension Plan Investment Board. Liberty Living has 43 student accommodation assets totalling 20,541 beds. Unite Group paid a reflected price of £1.9bn and the transaction has a net initial yield of 5.3%. This reflects a price per bed of £92,500. The acquisition will increase Unite's size by about 50% and establish it as the clear market leader in the UK.
The transaction reaffirms existing student accommodation valuations in the UK, which have risen substantially over the past decade. The high quality portfolio is 82% aligned to British high and mid-ranked universities, with 51% master leased via "nomination agreements" with the universities with a weighted average lease term of 6 years. The portfolio has averaged over 99% occupancy over the past 3 years.
The British university sector is highly regarded with the University of Cambridge and the University of Oxford ranked in the top 10 universities globally. There are currently 1.88m fulltime university students in the UK, of which 19% are overseas students with 7% coming from the European Union. The British university sector continues to be highly sort after, with 690,000 student applications in 2018 and 530,000 acceptances. In the UK, initial student higher education applications for the 2019/20 academic year are up 0.4% with overseas applications up 6%.
As with all real estate, location is very important. The top 10 British universities have grown their student numbers by 50,000 since 2012 with these top 10 universities accounting for 42% of all student numbers growth. The student accommodation fundamentals are strongest in the top tier university markets. We believe these markets will continue to offer good returns into the future. In 2016 Government student control limits were removed leading to further growth in student numbers. The Augar Review of Post-18 Education and Funding is recommending reducing tuition fees to £7,500 per annum, which could further drive student numbers.
Occupancy rates are attractive
The British student accommodation fundamentals continue to be strong with occupancy rates remaining at very high levels. There are 627,000 purpose built student accommodation beds in the UK, approximately half total student numbers. Supply has been consistent with long term trends with 31,348 beds built in 2018 and an estimated 36,000 beds to be delivered in 2019.
Approximately 50% of all student accommodation beds are private, off campus assets, with the balance located on campus and affiliated directly with the universities. Over recent years there has been a move for the universities to enter into concession agreements with the private owners to increase the development of more on campus beds. Average rents outside of London total £127.51 per week, with the higher quality off campus rents higher at £137.6 per week, an increase approximately 3.5% over the year. Average rents in London are commensurately higher at £223.04 due to higher land values.
The private purpose built student accommodation market in the UK has become increasingly sophisticated with the adoption of technology. The landlords have apps providing 24 hour service, students can check into their room online and log maintenance issues etc. They also focus on offering a safe and secure environment and offer WiFi throughout the buildings. Today there are 750,000 1st year and international students. These students tend to have a higher propensity to use purpose built student accommodation. Although with the improvement in student accommodation product offering, the percentage of 2nd and 3rd year students using purpose built student accommodation has increased from 16% in 2011 to 21% today.
Recession-proof demand
Over the past 10 years, UK student accommodation has delivered very good returns of 13.2% p.a. and capitalisation rates have firmed to 4.25% for prime London and 4.5%-5.0% for prime tier one markets. However, the prospects for future returns remain very good. The attractiveness of the British university sector to overseas students continues to drive increased student numbers. With student demand being lowly correlated to economic conditions, the demand is sustainable through cycles. These factors combined with the increase in the quality of product offerings through location, improved building amenity, security and technology are leading to increased student adoption of student accommodation. Overall, the strong fundamentals of the British student accommodation sector are expected to continue well into the future.
*Disclosure: Unite Group is currently owned in many global portfolios managed by the CFSGAM Property Securities team.
This material has been prepared and issued by First Sentier Investors (Australia) Limited (ABN 89 114 194 311, AFSL 289017) (Author). The Author forms part of First Sentier Investors, a global asset management business. First Sentier Investors is ultimately owned by Mitsubishi UFJ Financial Group, Inc (MUFG), a global financial group. A copy of the Financial Services Guide for the Author is available from First Sentier Investors on its website.
This material contains general information only. It is not intended to provide you with financial product advice and does not take into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Before making an investment decision you should consider, with a financial advisor, whether this information is appropriate in light of your investment needs, objectives and financial situation. Any opinions expressed in this material are the opinions of the Author only and are subject to change without notice. Such opinions are not a recommendation to hold, purchase or sell a particular financial product and may not include all of the information needed to make an investment decision in relation to such a financial product.
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6x24 "American Skyper"
The whole family is at Jay & Gloria's for Alex's graduation party, except for Phil, who ingeniously figured out a way to be there via skype and a robotic vessel after being unexpectedly detained in Seattle on a business trip. During the celebration, Jay frets about Gloria's cousin who has overstayed his welcome, Claire stresses out about giving Alex the perfect gift, Mitch hides news of being laid off from Cam and Andy's girlfriend, Beth, is in town stirring up a whole lot tension with Haley which finally leads to a realization that may have come too late MORE -LESS
Well, if I were a bear
[ Laughs ] You're so adorable.
Oh, my gosh! That's fantastic!
I thought Mitchell would be more excited about the unit upstairs.
That 16-piece luggage set was a real winner.
[ Sighs ] Phil, really? Come on.
Uh, uh, how I'm only into Korean dudes.
Why do you want it to go away? [ Sighs ]
Well, heigh-ho, heigh-ho. It's off to work I go.
And then, one day, I met Spencer.
Mitchell, you can talk to me. I'm a realtor.
[ Imitates beeping ]
Yes, I brought it back from Colombia.
You treat my family like they're criminals.
Uncle Mitch, this is amazing.
and you gave me a B-minus as an uncle.
What about here?
S-so, no one thinks
and that is not me.
[ Both laugh ]
but... I just don't know how she feels.
is the touch of a gentler man.
[ Laughs ]
I-I could take her there again. [ Ukulele plays ]
Has he said anything to you about the unit upstairs?
[ Dog barks ]
Why'd you sit so close to it?
Can you open the door? I'm feeling claustrophobic.
♪ When you don't know what a word means ♪
Haley.
Why is that not -- Okay, there's no sound.
Alex needed to write a report about a family member,
I'm so lucky to have you in my life, baby.
Okay, I've had enough. I need to know.
It is. It's a kennel for birds.
I'm sorry. I just --
We already have the down payment.
Honey, I want to give you a present.
6x23 "Crying Out Loud"
The family is determined to make Alex celebrate her senior ditch day and Phil, Luke and Haley forcefully take her out but end up at an unexpected detour. Claire is torn when she gets a job offer from a big hotel chain but feeling torn quickly gets replaced with feelings of confusion when she can't tell whether or not Jay really cares if she stays or goes. And with Manny groggy off of pain killers from his wisdom teeth procedure, Gloria seizes the moment to put a sabotage plan into effect to break Manny and his new girlfriend up. MORE -LESS
I may have been a bit hasty
Ay, I know, papi, I'm so sorry,
She was getting too serious too fast.
It's the milkshake I brought you.
Ditch day. Ditch day. Ditch day.
Plus the 28 hands of 14 other guys.
You know what? We're bustin' in.
Maybe Lily hasn't learned empathy
It's just -- it's heartbreaking.
- Mom? - Ah! You're awake.
Time for more pills, baby.
You're so sweet.
like the cutest teepee ever.
I snuck back here with you guys after work one day, and...
Grab what, the cement?
I'm going to turn this off and pretend I was reading this.
What, that our marriage bed is a 1,200 thread-count charade?
And you would only know that
staring at us with a terrible look on your face.
- Like what? - You know what?
Street name? Like you're in a gang?
Yes. No. Yes. No.
If you want to go, go.
Hmm. Anything up there?
Are you ever gonna call me?
Oh, right. Yeah, sisters.
I'm surprised you didn't ask me to stand on top
I didn't wanna hang out with you lately.
That's bound to get annoying.
- He's one of the big mucks at the Grand Royal Hotels. - Oh.
She strung her along for eight years,
Well, then why did you tell me about it in the first place?
Well, maybe because I didn't want that to be a factor.
I pour my heart out, and that's all I get?
Claire, this is the big cheese, Dan Signer.
in the break room, and it wasn't that long ago
I'm gonna be spending it with...
6x22 "Patriot Games"
Alex's worst nightmare is realized when she gets news that she has to share the Valedictorian title with her number one competitor, Sanjay! Both sets of parents get equally caught up in the rivalry and convince Principal Brown to let them break the tie via a gym grade they both have not completed - a one mile run. Elsewhere, Gloria is studying for her upcoming U.S. citizenship test and a visit from Javier throws her off her game, and Mitch and Cam blindly agree to join a protest against a local restaurant that they are actually secretly excited about. MORE -LESS
that, uh, made me nervous, and so I wrote down my remarks.
- Oh. - No.
I agree with them. Ties are un-American.
[ Sighs ] Not all the grades.
Name two cabinet-level positions.
This little jumping bean's about to become an American.
Do you know that once I pass, I can serve on a jury?
Really? You're gonna lecture me on abandonment?
Enough. We will do a makeup race.
with their friend's older brother who's home from college.
Sanjay was forming full sentences at 13 months.
- We owed a lot more money than I realized. - Hmm.
That's fine. I'll get someone else.
[ Groans ] Is that a word?
Oh, like "shame" doesn't cover 1,000 different things?
Longinus and Jotham do this all the time.
- Table for two? - No, no.
[ Sniffs ]
She's surprisingly graceful for being so uncoordinated.
[ Thud ] Oh. There it is.
Maybe a little bit.
- I am having some doubts. - Okay.
Don't worry. We're not gonna eat this. We're gonna eat steak.
That son of a bitch wants me to turn my back on my homeland
What are those?
You know how hard it's been to keep up with you my whole life?
Why are we so focused on helping Alex win
was our competition, and...
Think about it, sweetie.
Tomorrow, Sanjay Patel begins a lifetime of second best.
I'm not gonna lie, I like where this is going.
Well, I'm not gonna do it.
Yeah, I heard the moaning. Are we terrible people?
We don't support corporations that contribute to super PACs
- Right now? Ah. - We're here! We're queer!
I don't know why this is a surprise.
and we demanded a refund for our gift cards.
and we stumbled, but who amongst us hasn't?
- But it's hard to keep track... - So hard.
You are no better than the people in that restaurant.
You still have his last name. You're both Colombians.
That's the longest you've ever been quiet,
this is what you always wanted.
It's not rocket science, unfortunately for you,
6x21 "Integrity"
Phil and Jay run an errand together to pick up Lily's hand me down princess castle for Joe, both though are in a mood because Phil is upset that Claire won't let him buy an arcade machine, and Jay thinks Gloria is letting Joe play with too many girlie items. Mitch and Cam babysit Joe and both get the itch for another baby -- that is until Joe presents to be quite the handful! Meanwhile, Gloria tries to help Haley stand up for herself at work, and Claire tries to bribe Luke's principal to give him one of the student awards this year. MORE -LESS
Cameron: Looks great.
I think I may want another child.
That we're both on the same page.
Sounded a -- A tiny bit prostitute-y.
Is that the science rabbit?
he was in the running for the integrity award.
Or perhaps the soccer team could use some new cleats,
I'm headed out the door to go shopping with Gloria,
Where are the photos from the Milan show I asked for?
Oh, look what's new for fall.
But I bite my tongue, because in this family,
What are you doing? I told you to go shopping without me.
I mess with something he loves.
Yeah, he was a narc and a goody two-shoes,
Oh, yes -- Well, no, but, I mean,
the happy look on your face.
I-I just really miss having a baby around.
There's water underneath the seat there if you want it.
It's like I don't want to be happy.
She just made a disapproving noise, and I rolled over.
and, "whatever you need, dear,"
And you're getting that damn game, Phil!
Thanks, Jay. Ahh.
What the hell did you do?!
We get this thing on the backyard
They count on that fear. They feed off it.
It was killing me this morning
so that we can turn this princess thing
- How does that solve my problem? - Just go!
It is. Where is that little pudding-filled rocket, anyway?
No, no! No! No, no, no!
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
and it's like nothing ever happened, see?
Plus, we're not as young as we were when she was like this.
today I lost a little bit of respect for you.
Which is why, in case you haven't noticed,
It's over. I can't be seen there.
What? Why not?
to swallow my pride.
who would love to do her a favor?"
so he can run through birds when he gets home.
- Well -- - Manny!
[ Grunts ] Get off me!
Because I didn't know it was a nerd award.
[ Hammer pounding ]
6x20 "Knock 'em Down"
Jay agrees to sub in on Cam's bowling team, not knowing it's an all-gay league. Phil and Clair have an unexpectedly nice time with their neighbors. Gloria and Mitch agree to go out with Haley.
- I just wish he was more concerned with being a better neighbor. - Yeah.
A-are you saying no?
Forget it. Not doing it.
And most prominently, you've got your
Oh, hello, Martin. You're looking unwell.
It's a Michael's, and you know it, you son of a bitch!
Hey! I am in the best mood.
I'll uncover the cheese.
So, we need to get you lighter in those rental loafers.
Oh. Very nice.
Um... uh, good. It's a little intense right now.
Well, we wanted him to go to college for business,
There we are. Would you like to taste?
Oh, damn it!
Look, okay.
Cam, you're up.
We do love zing.
now I have a boyfriend.
Oh, my god. I've been holding that in for an hour.
Oh, my god. Your kids give you that look, too?
It's not right that a guy like you can't even get his job done.
paired my Cabernet with fish.
What do you think of that picture?
Who wouldn't want to be between them, huh?
Whoo! There's the real Jay!
Hey, when did you get back?
this is not about Cam and Jay making us old,
Uh, d-do -- wondering -- I don't know,
I don't think it's gonna be six, guys.
Yeah, that's true. He told me.
- What do we do? - Here, take that. Put it around.
- You're such a boy scout! - Open the door. Open the door.
6x19 "Grill, Interrupted"
Jay's birthday brings everyone together and Phil is beside himself over the super cool gift he got Jay, a high-tech outdoor grill. Claire and Mitch decide they will "offer" to pay back the money Jay loaned them ages ago as their gift not really thinking he will take them up on it, and Gloria teaches Manny and Luke a lesson about drinking, while Andy gets real awkward with Haley when she brings over her new doctor boyfriend. MORE -LESS
where the cable doesn't get Bravo.
If it's a good shot, get a print, put it in an album.
I'm just-- I'm stressing out, so--
So, you want to head down front?
Well, my chisel is a Long Island iced tea,
[ Banjo playing "Turkey In The Straw" ]
It's so... It's so musical.
They fit him perfectly.
- [ Clears throat ] - Dressing room? Ay, show me.
But that is your song.
and I'm from Canada.
[ Sighs ] Okay, but imagine--
The move you're about to see was first developed
Eins... zwei... drei--
I'm gonna... just adjust these springs.
I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
[ Gasps ] Is Luke doing the Dunphy Tuck?
When you guys are done out there,
Sorry to interrupt, but I just took a break from painting.
[ "Dueling Banjos" playing ]
Uh... nothing.
No! It hit my eye!
Haley, are you with Alex? She's not answering her phone.
No, I was worried about this when you two left this morning.
But it's not like I poured it down her throat!
Have fun breaking your daughter out of sleepaway camp.
I was-- I was cold, and I was scared,
is an important part of becoming a man.
If that's your idea of a dramatic exit,
Because you insulted me, maimed me, and belittled
Then, today, it's everything I can do, you can do better.
I'm not as much of a man as you think, dad.
I fumbled for so long, she started to laugh.
but enjoy it while it lasts.
Oh, Lukey!
Oh, okay. So, we'll see you in, like, what, 10 years,
- Alex, I r-- - No! What's the point?
than the guy wearing a ferret as a scarf.
You're obviously going to get into
Look, you are a superstar!
I... don't want to talk about it.
if I'd performed in a litter box.
Okay, look, I can't sing "Memory."
But to see him crash and burn on stage, that...
- [ Branch snaps ] Girl: - What was that?!
6x18 "Spring Break"
Spring break has Claire doing some spring cleaning, while Phil struggles with not being a spring chicken when Luke starts outperforming him at seemingly everything. Haley takes Alex to a music festival to take her mind off of colleges, and Gloria and Jay challenge one another to give up Spanish soap operas and cigars respectively. However, when Gloria accompanies Cameron to his faculty talent show, she projects the soapy drama she craves onto Cam's rivalry with Senor Kaplan, and Jay tags along with Mitchell to pick up Lily from camp so he can sneak a smoke. MORE -LESS
They should tell you that when you check in.
and I use it to free the party girl from the block of nerd.
If anything, they're a little snug.
I can't. It's the handicapped stall in the men's room.
Okay, but imagine--
No good. Okay.
You might cement in some bad... habits.
Is Luke doing the Dunphy Tuck?
do you think you could give Luke my list?
He tripped on one of Coach Tucker's paint cans.
- What are you doing?! - Last item on the list--
♪ you are not the man you used to be ♪
Is that...
Take me to my sister!
especially after this kid told this terrifying ghost story,
it's no wonder Todd Jansen got that part.
my achievements in the banjonic and trampolinic arts?
That's not the conversation I thought we'd be having,
Someday, your life's gonna be moving faster than you want,
Do you need a hug?
when you spoon-tunnel your way out of Weasel's basement?
Get straight A's for 10 years,
I don't care anymore!
and sometimes you're gonna come in second...
you're gonna be on the supreme court.
I had killed with that song at three amateur productions,
So when I found out that Coach Tucker
It doesn't get better than that.
is you never know what you're gonna run into--
I don't know, but let's hit it with a shovel.
6x17 "Closet? You'll Love It!"
Jay and Claire shoot a Pritchett Closets commercial. A drone is spying on Gloria. Lily prepares to perform in her school talent show. Haley's feelings for Andy become even more complicated.
The client loves the whole re-design.
How's your trip? Are you having any fun? _
I am very good cutting boys' hair.
- Mm. - Fly safe.
Watch it, or I'll sing to you.
Isn't it fantastic?
- Oh. - Lily, honey,
She's still talking to Dylan? Really?
Oh, please, I can see your eyes darting around the screen.
but I know that's a picture of Chachi.
[ Sighs ] Then why did she change her Facebook status?
Something borrowed, something blue? Do you get it?
- Are you with Haley? - In what way?
You mean spiritually, geographically?
Okay, so, last night when you were with her,
Yeah, she gave it to me in a little envelope
[ Keyboard clacking ]
Oh, no! She's in Vegas.
I don't know! Alex, she had to have told you something!
than they are finding them.
Honey, what did I tell you about being selfish?
Yeah, I need to know who she's been dating.
- What are you doing in my phone? - You called me, dad.
Hey, Mitch, I'm liking the new hat.
- Oh, thank you, ma'am. - Well, you're welcome.
Whoa, Haley got married?! She is in so much trouble!
but I've been researching annulments.
Hold on. Someone's at the door.
Andy is dating some girl in Utah, and Haley knows that.
No, it can't be him. He's a very nice boy.
[ All gasp ] Oh, my God!
Jump? Let's review.
How could he be so irresponsible?
Oh, my God, she's gonna be Haley Bailey.
Okay, hang on, honey. I am sending you a picture.
Gloria, where did you find Andy?
No, dad, no, I haven't found her. And you know what?
Jay, stop kicking her while she's down,
[ "House At Pooh Corner" playing ]
♪ as our days disappeared all too s-- ♪
You're not near the bottom of that tin, are you?
Okay, Claire, listen, listen.
Oh, God, I got to go.
and give her husband-to-be one of these.
The minute they got rid of rotary phones,
Look... you're in the eye of the tornado right now,
6x16 "Connection Lost"
Claire's computer becomes the hub of all the family's activities when she gets stuck at the airport and is desperate to reach Haley after a big fight. After FaceTiming with Phil and the rest of the family to help track her down, Claire quickly turns to online snooping which inevitably becomes disturbing real quick and everyone gets sucked into the online drama. MORE -LESS
I reminded him and dialed the phone.
Oh, well, I can't wait to open it
Relax, Cam.
behaving.
Paragraph three had some of my favorite--
That trick might've worked on Haley,
There's no way Haley's married.
She borrowed a blue suit from Mitchell for a wedding.
Do you have Haley's iCloud password?
If she's not with Dylan, who would she be marrying?
Although, they are better at making girls disappear
- What?! - What?!
- Dad? - Mitchell?
- Thank you so much. - Of course, dear.
I know we're not there yet,
who Haley has married in Vegas.
- What bet did he lose? - No, no, no, no, no, no.
"What To Expect When You're Expecting."
Let's not jump to any conclusions.
I'll kill that Andy.
His last name is Bailey?
before she got pregnant.
What's going on? Did you find her?
I can't think of a better time.
♪ posing our questions to owl and eeyore ♪
You're not gonna find her at the bottom of that tin.
- Well... - _
I was supposed to walk her down the aisle
Thumb, dad.
Yeah. Guess what goes around comes around, huh?
6x15 "Fight or Flight"
After a long reunion weekend with Phil's old cheer buddies, Claire jumps at the chance to snag the only first class seat left on the return flight home, leaving Phil in coach. Gloria forces Jay to teach Manny how to defend himself against a bully in his cooking class, but when things backfire it seems that the real bully might be someone else. Mitch, Cameron, Pepper and the whole gang throw Sal a belated baby shower. MORE -LESS
because there's a boy there that is picking on him.
The kid is just not a fighter.
You think calling us pretty is gonna get you a ride?
So, what did she do that was so crazy, Luke--
Ugh, when did you become a guy? It's gross.
so if you want it done, here.
I may have, uh, what you're looking for...
- Oh, I-I had a suitcase land on me. - Oh, let me see.
Ooh. Caramel truffles.
I want the gutters cleaned today, not mañana.
I'd put down the burrito and get up that ladder.
was a little baby.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
That gin-soaked tart abandoned the little bastard.
when we're accusing a mommy
Oh, no. This-- Uh, h-here's a note.
My friend Claire would like to meet you in the bathroom.
"C," for Catherine.
who keeps digging into my elbow
Oh, geez.
I'm not fighting anymore. It's not worth it.
Well, that's the goal, anyway.
"Thanks for the dumbest breakup text ever.
There was nothing dumb about it.
that she's on a plane to Cabo.
sent Moses down the river in a basket,
- That's crazy. - Aww.
[ Dramatically ] But, you know,
Pleasure to meet you.
But I need you to check your pocket.
Why would I thank you for giving you an awesome weekend?
Oh, my heart goes out to you.
and don't wind my fist up like Popeye.
- Because without that... - I-I get it.
What? You were not.
and he made me that dessert as an apology.
like it's some rabbit you found in the yard.
Y-you're very nice people, but we've done this before.
[ Scoffs ] Fine!
Honey, what are you doing?
You didn't have to be so great this weekend.
Gloria: Wipe your feet before you come in!
Thanks to me? What, did--
and wants you to be safe in this world.
6x14 "Valentine's Day 4: Twisted Sister"
Valentine's Day means 'Juliana' and 'Clive' are back, but things get worrisome when Claire starts sensing Phil may be more into Juliana than her. Jay goes from feeling disappointed to scared when Gloria's visiting sister becomes a larger deterrence for a romantic evening with Gloria than he thought. Mitchell and Cameron get themselves in a precarious situation with a good friend. MORE -LESS
how I stole her one chance to escape the village
Where do you people live, National Geographic?
I know only girls are supposed to care about Valentine's day, but--
[ Sternly ] Carmelina, that's for company.
Hint-- apparently you need your original hips
but once we heard, we didn't think it was appropriate.
stylish cheese-delivery system?
Just go!
so you can have a romantic evening alone.
Oh, Jay, it's so beautiful.
and I threw a little charm her way.
Claire: I know. We ran late.
Maybe we'll have a romantic Easter.
almost instantly ask for some alone time.
Oh, glass elevator. Should make for an exciting view.
in case she falls out of bed.
- Carmelina, are you trying to be deported?! Mitchell: - [ Sighs ]
Now get.
Yeah, but now the poor kid's got the hots for me.
- Not lonely. She's a forest ranger. - Mm.
and she quenched my thirst with a big goblet of "wow."
Hey, would you see if there's any sewing kits? I think we're out.
Oh, that's so nice.
[ Bell dings ]
It's straight out of "Lethal Ladies."
and sprinkled it into mom's soup.
She wants you all to herself.
to go with your pretty necklace.
I heard everything on the baby monitor.
the whole week,
or, I don't know,
Give in to it, Jay. We both--
- [ Quietly ] Ladies, ladies, stop. - [ Women grunting ]
Yes, mother moving in was inconvenient,
You know that-- that fish I gave you and Mitchell?
Carmelina's probably halfway home with it,
- Oh. - Look, Anders gave us the bowl after all.
6x13 "Rash Decisions"
Phil starts to feel the teenage cold shoulder from Luke and, with Andy hanging around a lot as his apprentice, he easily steps in as his new right hand man. Gloria and the doctors suspect that Joe might be allergic to Stella. Mitchell does some freelance legal work at Jay's closet company and working with Claire becomes a very enlightening experience for the both of them. MORE -LESS
Okay, guys, listen up.
Lily, don't forget to give Stella lots of belly rubs.
was like their Facebook page,
And majoring in having your cats eat you when you die.
I feel like a mechanic.
"Wipe down the microwave," "Clean the coffee pot,"
men will want to be me, women will want to shop with me.
She's new, and dad wants me to talk to her
So, listen, if you were looking for some clothes for work,
Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Uh, Pasta Factory Monday.
- Yes! - What are you guys doing?
Laid-back Mitchell doesn't mind.
This is my fault.
No. Lots of people like you.
Not the one on Barrington.
Well, do it again. Louder. This is a place of business.
Keep your eye out for randy chows.
What's that thing around her neck?
Oh, my God. You're such a slut.
So I'm like, "Screw it, let's do it."
"Whoa, you're not Justin Bieber."
I am sitting here trying to mentally prepare
Ooh, tell her cute dress-- Nanette Lepore, fall collection.
I'm a little nervous.
Sorry to disappoint you.
Good idea. Pretend to be my son.
- Ooh, sounds dangerous. - Luke...
Good. Is this finally done?
Don't. Don't!
we weren't this aggressively boring when we applied.
Oh, great. Have a seat. I'm Vanessa.
and you play the cello.
and we convince the grounds keeper that she's Justin Bieber
Yeah, I came home from work early to cook us dinner.
she needs to stay with Mitch and Cam.
Yes, we have. It's what's best for Joe.
'Cause it's so much cuter driving down the road
Okay, do not read too much into that--
Don't give me that look.
Goodbye, Stella-Bella.
I saw that. Andy sent it to me.
It just seemed like you needed some space, so I gave it to you.
"No way, Bradley, not without my little pal, here."
Pickles are better than men.
6x12 "The Big Guns"
Claire is furious about neighbors Ronnie and Amber's eye-sore of a boat on their front lawn and it soon becomes an all-out war when Phil calls in the "big guns" as back up -- his dad Frank and all his retired friends to give them a taste of their own medicine. Elsewhere, Jay is trying to potty train Joe but Gloria does not think he's ready yet, and Cam secretly takes Lily to clown school behind Mitchell's back. MORE -LESS
I've got a lunch meeting and then a meeting after lunch.
W-Wait, we had the radio on and we were talking about some goofy stuff.
I mean, you should get an eye patch.
Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys!
God, this is a more disturbing sight then Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia.
Ahhhh, Kristallnacht!
I'm going to fire this canon all over your store. Hahahahaha.
Dear me, it's almost 3 o' clock.
Oh, no. Privateers.
I said, shoot it again. But I said it pirate like.
Well done, you barnacle-munchings-callywiggers.
Who was that masked man who saved us?
Noooooooooo!
I tried to pick him up,
Um.. I'm Chris.
Wow, we're having a conversation.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved working with animals.
and then you'll think I'm made up of two different guys that were sewn together,
Gooey!
Kids?! Kids?! It's so awesome!
and, if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions,
Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories,
K, bye Chris.
If you want to get anywhere with a chick, you can't treat 'em too nice-like.
wait for the beep!
Why in the world I wanan do that after what you just said?
- We had sex. - We had sex!
You're not the first person whose life he screwed up.
My man Ranold, who did this!?
'cause now Chris is all sad and crying and fat and bad at sports.
Well, what dou you know about that!?
See, look at this-
But I don't want to date anyone else.
6x11 "The Day We Almost Died"
While driving out to get breakfast, the Dunphys plus Manny have a near death experience causing everyone to reevaluate their lives. Claire resolves to be more fun and less uptight, Haley and Alex agree not to fight anymore, Manny refuses to ever ride in a car again, Luke wants to check off his bucket list, Phil decides to be a take action type of guy, and the rest of the family has to bear the brunt of all the new attitudes. MORE -LESS
Okay. All right. I think I just skated through some pee.
What do you mean, "still"? What do you mean, "scared"? What underpass?
Oh, didn't I?
I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me?
N-n-no. No, no! No! N-n-no! Claire, no!
- They took my wallet and my skates and my tie. - No.
- Just let it go. - Stop it! Stop it.
Hey, Phil. Honey, how you holding up?
It was time to start crossing things off.
Girls, are you sure?
Well, you miss a lot of it.
Makeovers.
It's from when I walked into the stop sign
Well, you had quite a bit of growth.
I was not one of them.
Look, I've tried really hard to put up with a lot since...
Karate-chop me or something!
Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Again?
Is your lip getting better or your face getting redder?
Ohh! Why do you have to be such a silly...
when some guy on a bike swiped her phone.
Now, can you just support me here?
Positive. I-I'll walk home.
I thought your phone got stolen?
This was all Phil's fault, wasn't it?
I know how to fix my son.
In. Trust me.
He's terrified to be in the back.
Manny, you don't want to do this right?
We're doing this my way.
I always thought there monsters in there and whatnot.
but, you know, right now we... have to...
The phone burglar! He's getting away!
I am not going to drive my son around until he's 40.
Just go. I'm walking home.
The listing at 225 cedar street, it's mine now. You poached my listing?
Why are we stopping?
Calm down. Let's not overreact.
Mostly, I was thinking about racquetball later
and then offers him a piece of his banana loaf.
Trust me, this house is gonna sell at Thorpe speed.
You will be losing some sleep,
Oh, by the way, if you ever speak disrespectfully again
Life's too short to be ruled by fear.
Not white, not oatmeal, not Swiss-coffee,
who ask me where they should buy their dryer.
What? No. What? No.
We're gonna want to put a blanket down on that backseat.
You think? That's it. Pull over.
6x10 "Haley's 21st Birthday"
Haley is turning twenty-one and the whole family is taking her to a bar to celebrate! Claire really wants Haley to start seeing her as a friend rather than her uptight mom, Mitch and Cam make the sad realization that they may not be as cool as they thought, and Phil and Jay's quick pit stop to pick up Haley's gift, a new car, becomes a disaster. Back at home, Alex, Luke and Manny babysit Lily and she decides to drop the 'where do babies come from?' bomb. MORE -LESS
One quick thing -- if you really want to
Um, Daryl, this is my father-in-law, Jay Pritchett.
So, come on. Let's see you wiggle.
Are you a nerd?
Uh, yes. The stork brings them.
...giving a gift to a niece as hip and chic as Haley.
- Really? You think? - Yes! Totally! Super cute!
These guys don't have feelings.
Why do I keep fighting you on this?
I'm sorry, buddy.
We're supposed to be at the bar in 20 minutes.
These aren't my sunglasses.
Pull them off and give them to somebody 20 years younger.
I know I have not done a great job of it so far,
- Come on. Haley, let me in. - Okay, fine, so we were laughing
just want to talk about politics all the time
We should have just told them we're straight.
- Do you? - Really?
He was losing money on that car.
during the hot dog-a-thon,
Uh, yeah, he says that unless you buy a car,
I'm not immature, butt face.
What was I supposed to think?
Can I just say that I'm glad they didn't come get us?
Oh. Let's show them what we got.
Oh, thank god. We need to tap out.
- You guys, don't go! - Oh, yeah, don't worry about it, ladies,
Huh. You know what? I kind of get him now.
I'm gonna respect your decisions,
and I was afraid you'd say no.
I'd love to, but your dad played hardball and we lost it.
No, no, no, no. I'm done listening to you.
I researched that car online for weeks,
I'm going old-school on this sales weasel,
I don't know why you Americans are so uptight about sex.
Can we finish our conversation?
Hey, that's why you asked if we knew where babies came from --
Well, Private Dorchester reporting for duty.
I mean, not that, but, like, let's get matching tattoos!
I don't even need to be cool anymore.
As serious as Bert and Ernie.
I just beat your unbeatable deal by 500 samolians.
Some more good news for you -- Your father-in-law
You got a much better deal than he got.
Hey, dumbass, enough with the horn, huh?
6x9 "Strangers in the Night"
When Alex tells Phil and Claire she has a boyfriend, they worry they've put too much pressure on her and has made up an imaginary boyfriend. Jay and Gloria both have parties that they are dragging the other to and Jay has a clever plan to get himself out of it, but Manny just might spoil everything. Mitch and Cam just got a beautiful white couch delivered but when Mitch is stuck helping out Brenda, a distressed co-worker, and allows her to stay - it is a mishap waiting to happen. MORE -LESS
To teach her about respect.
That you wore cargo shorts to my middle-school graduation,
in a pyramid scheme.
Stop being such a patsy.
What picnic -- somebody's cat going to college?
If not, he's gonna freak out.
So, how's your first week been?
We haven't had sex in 14 months.
Oh, she's gone. People leave.
I thought we had something.
Okay? I -- I-I-I talked to her.
to write about you in our Christmas letter.
Before today, I had never seen a gravy fountain.
Now, really get tight this time.
There's a buffet and an open bar for dogs.
Well, I'm just letting a person
Okay, my sinuses leak, my -- my ears run,
His dumb dad got transferred to dumb Africa
Bye, Alec.
Oh, it looks like "Alex."
Because they need grocery models in Africa.
After two hours of mind-liquefying "Zooboo,"
Why are you home?
But the people in this party,
He never listens, but -- but he's sweet.
Probably without those hand gestures.
There we go. Okay.
So that means that I love dog parties.
Well, come on. Give me a hand.
as a chip to get out of that stupid picnic tomorrow.
Do you see anyone else in here?
that you would have an admirer.
or by making up a boyfriend...
You don't believe me, do you?
He works at some mattress store -- Mattress King.
I have never met that girl she tutors in math.
Yes! Our little girl isn't crazy!
What is she doing out here?
We'll get this underneath her.
Doug, no, I don't wanna.
6x8 "Three Turkeys"
Phil is cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year with Luke as his sous chef, and Claire has no confidence in them and prepares a secret turkey of her own as backup. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria had plans to spend the holiday away but when the trip gets canceled last minute, they decide not to tell anyone which quickly becomes the worst idea ever since the family dinner gets suddenly moved to their house and it turns into a mad scramble to cover their tracks. Mitch is tired of always being the bad cop so when Lily refuses to wear a nice dress to dinner, he forces Cameron to deal with it who then comes up with a very unconventional approach. MORE -LESS
But if it doesn't, this could save him a lot of embarrassment.
- Not this again. - What?
Absolutely not, Lily.
Hmm? This is how she sees us.
and I'm just the pitchfork-wielding she-devil.
Is that a sock in your sleeve?
I'm not gonna throw away 20 years of --
I don't love being the person
Please, while you and I are busy being responsible,
Hmm. Look at this.
Con-garage-ulations.
that pretty, new Thanksgiving dress.
I'm afraid we can't leave until you put that dress on.
Oh, and right in the middle of getting up
they might still have this country.
It looks fine. The porch light's on.
You just relax.
that I would never leave town without it.
The gravy has a skin on it like a sharecropper's neck.
I left the centerpiece in the trunk.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
- You have my underwear?! - No.
one of my dad's hideous leisure suits.
Mitchell, it won't have any impact if I do it by myself.
No, that's your father's way.
You heard them. They're coming back.
over our boy clothes, like you.
Hola, family!
That's not necessarily a good thing.
But it's time to cross the finish line.
Just some last-minute touches, and we're good to go.
No. No, it was an accident. We're good.
I swear. I barely even look at you anymore.
- Uh, you meant "hug," didn't you? - Yup. Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna get them all loaded up on bread.
Ju-- but just so you know, I had one parent growing up
Lily.
Now, put that backpack on and march it out to the car!
Claire, why is there a fully cooked turkey
6x7 "Queer Eyes, Full Hearts"
Phil and Claire don't know if they should be happy or concerned that Haley and Andy are spending a lot of time together, however, they soon find things are not what they appear. Gloria is pushing Manny to learn Spanish instead of French so she goes ahead and hires a Spanish tutor, Diego, who also happens to be very handsome, much to Manny and Jay's chagrin. Meanwhile, Mitch and Cam meet a popular news reporter at a school function and one of them piques her journalistic interest. MORE -LESS
- Hey, honey! - Oh, hey!
I don't think she's getting enough sleep.
I was getting a 4.0 in college.
Already? Must be nice.
Traditionally, the varsity coach and his wife
No, unless you can convince Tom Brady to spend the night,
as any straight couple.
Andy. Of course. Come on in.
Sorry. I didn't... See you.
Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction?
Don, can you tell there's nothing in here?
What's up, guys!?
so he's going to teach Joe to swim.
You know, after you showed us that cool model,
finding passive-aggressive ways
I'm sure Alex slept.
with her skirt on my head.
I am not having sex with Andy. We're just friends.
Come inside. Are you ready?
Oh, this one?
Mitchell, she was an equal to Coach Taylor.
and know how important it is.
but I resent the way you're treating me today.
I also know you can't force a kid
I can't believe that you're being so...
You should try talking in my shoes for one mile!
is for "women," am I right?
Oh, yeah? What can I do for ya?
a guy who provided all this for his family.
I'm just not in the market for an assistant right now.
Uh, I'm a hard worker, I am very clean,
I'm introducing you to my new assistant.
No. We were just helping each other
I felt awful after that pancake breakfast,
And he wasn't doing any of it for himself.
But what this case...
Listen, I'm sorry I let Manny switch over to French
until I meet with Gavin Sinclair.
- put you -- - Ah! I'm really too busy right now.
Thanks for coming by, though.
There are five things wrong with Nikki's outfit.
6x6 "Halloween 3: AwesomeLand"
Claire allows Phil to take over Halloween this year, so he decides to turn the house into AwesomeLand. Cameron gets overwhelmed by the day's activities. Mitchell has closing arguments for a huge case, and it doesn't help that the stenographer is dressed like a spider.
Big, pretty umbrellas -- those are awesome.
Wait. Where is Holly?
are complicated and technical,
So, because of this marriage,
and I got Stella cat ears.
I have an idea.
Ohhh. Honey, I don't think that fits.
I kiss my mom hotter than that.
We're not doing scary this year.
I'd have to see a prescription for that.
You are so lucky that I have to go to work today,
Well, since you got an excuse, princess,
I meant, how are your costumes related?
I haven't gone out with a whitebeard
run my hand through my hair.
you were using this morning on your finger?
Shouldn't you be at work?
The kids are gonna be deranged mental patients,
You know, I put a lot of time and energy into my thing,
Well -- honey, look!
Oh, my God. I have to tell Lily.
Oh, so this is how we call each other now?
Well, you have no idea what's happening here.
No, Lily! Wait!
handsome Hawaiian or sexy scotsman?
I don't understand your relationship with her.
You really think it's appropriate
This thing is like a Temple Grandin hug.
Do I look happy?
No, it's supposed to be awesome.
No, it's not okay, Ronnie!
she spent six months in a cuckoo farm in Nevada.
the intricate web of deceit.
You're losing your fifth case in a row?
Oh, come on! Come on!
the court stenographer will now remove the costume.
if someone had dipped into my nest egg like that, uh...
You should check it out sometime.
Claire, I know this isn't the Halloween you wanted,
"shut up, troll. Why am I even talking to you?"
We all do, but I lost my wig,
Did you just ask that fake doctor about hair plugs?
When you were a little extra-enthusiastic?
I loved that you were having fun with us.
That's your costume? A big nose?
I bet all the full-size candy bars are gone.
- It's right here. Stop. Just calm down. - Okay.
6x5 "Won't You Be Our Neighbor"
Phil is selling the house next door and he and Claire are excited by the prospect of having wonderful new neighbors, but that quickly turns into panic when a loud and obnoxious couple come to look at the house. Jay forbids Manny to see his new girlfriend when he realizes she's the granddaughter of his biggest business rival. Mitch and Cam are determined to switch Lily out of Mrs. Plank's class since she is known to rule with an iron fist – and she also scares them. MORE -LESS
That's exactly right.
- Closets. Yeah. - ...Closets.
It was devastating.
It wasn't a real unicorn.
There's an opening in Miss Sparrow's class.
who is stressing Lily out.
I have the courage to say what others won't.
So, what do ya think? Do you still love it?
I've had that dream.
We did it. We are gonna have the best neighbors ever!
or you can go live with your boyfriend.
It'll be like living at an El Torito.
And this hot lady right here is my wife, Amber.
Well, I'm basically a doctor.
She's the granddaughter of my worst enemy.
Damn it, she saw the sock it to me!
we've been experimenting with lighted hanging rods?
I don't want all this sap all over my lawn couch.
What?! That's a terrible idea!
Uh, well, we're Lily's parents.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that something that you would...
Are you suggesting that your daughter is at a disadvantage
in Miss Sparrow's class.
So she can go.
this is where I first tried pretzel bread?
This is crazy.
People were gonna get hurt!
Sooner than you think.
Let's off that top, Lisa.
Nothing inappropriate, of course.
and bought in the orient -- like your wife.
from their grandfathers about boys.
We -- we know you've been stressed out at school,
I don't want to play with yarn.
I could not sleep all night
We went to her brother's restaurant.
Maybe, isn't it possible
I'll never send you to bed without a hug.
Those lunatics priced themselves out of business years ago.
We got to put an end to it right now.
Okay, keep in mind I'm not in makeup yet,
You said you were under pressure...
Pritchett, I wish I had a number-10 mirror
Well, look at this bachelor pad.
6x4 "Marco Polo"
The Dunphys stay in a cramped hotel room while the house is treated for mold; Gloria feels protective when Manny starts dating an older girl; Cameron wants to maintain his team's winning streak but fears Mitchell is a jinx.
See, the mailbox is like a time portal.
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you
What? No, it wasn't.
Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed.
that, that would show her.
God, he's right.
astonished, at their lustrous brilliance,
All right, so we're driving up to get this abortion
So, we turned around and went home and two-and-a-half months later
You've totally ruined this trip for me!
what are you doing with a gun?
And finally, still no word on the disappearance of Lois Griffin,
Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her.
I want my family back!
in bed.
- Joe's a friend of mine. - No, it's okay.
Did we get any mail from Mom at the health spa today?
Stewie,
Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here.
Honey, I'm going shopping.
"I wish you were dead," right before I never saw her again.
That son of a bitch! He's a killer, like Bernie Goetz!
Wouldn't mind having him with me next time I go see my mother-in-law.
Um, someone who rented a speedboat must have left it there.
We won! We won!
Man, I haven't dug through these cans since Lois died.
Hobey's right, Peter. It doesn't look good for you.
Look, don't you kids buy any of this for a second. Your father is innocent.
Oh, nasty!
Peter called me right after he killed my daughter
6x3 "The Cold"
Phil must make creative edits in Cam and Mitch's wedding video when footage reveals that Phil is responsible for a terrible cold that has plagued the family; Gloria and Jay try to help Manny cope with stress in different ways.
And risk our perfect 3-0 record
You know what I could do... is coach.
Sydney Barrow -- like my Lily, a gifted child,
I got my kid's game.
Ay. Don't pay attention to Jay, papi.
Because I have a job and people are counting on me.
Daddy's approval is not the medicine that you need.
Dog, dog.
Great contact on that last one. This time, aim for the ball.
You'll be fine during the game.
Call dad.
- What's up? - Nothing. I just...
well, you sprained your ankle.
Here I am right before the cake sneeze.
Like when I do Yoda walking into a spider web.
Now sad.
Okay, two things -- a movie is a video,
so I've been keeping my distance to protect him.
I'll bet he's chewing on his own stomach acid right now.
May your first marriage be as happy as my second.
What am I gonna do? We have to show this thing in an hour!
How does someone so smart sneeze on so many things?
Okay, Lily knows all the capitals.
Okay. Sydney, forget that I said that, okay, honey?
Ow! All right, little pull. Little pull!
What kind of a person calls a 6-year-old a know-it-all?
Oh, my gosh. I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, we are so excited to see it.
You're the coach. You can't play favorites.
and I thought you were sending me some signals,
I probably did send you a signal.
You would've been destroyed.
Sit down. This is a family dinner.
Or did she make you feel bad?
Jay does it all the time with Manny's football.
what exactly did you mean by that?
I'm sorry. Hasn't Beth broken up with you, like, 10 times?
I didn't mean to imply that if we kissed,
Are you prepared for a bum-scrubbing today, sir?
Aw, come on. Don't be so formal.
6x2 "Do Not Push"
Jay and Gloria can't agree on what kind of anniversary gifts they want to exchange; the Dunphys go with Alex to Caltech for her college tour; Mitch, Cam and Lily take a new family portrait.
- Carl, I'm so sorry. - Wow, Meg,
I don't have any money so I'm going to have to pay
- You could do that?! - Absolutely.
"Faster Than the Speed of Love."
one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway.
- Oh, definitely. - Am I right?
It'd be so great if we were at least living together.
Don't you understand?! I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian.
Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler.
And that's the worst part. I can't afford the rent.
That's a mighty full sack you're carrying.
Hey, guys. Um...
who never take the moff are hot, you know?
where is the chase and how do I cut to it?
You're so fatherly. It really turns me on.
There aren't any, Brian! You need to come in here!
Meg, less talkie, more sweepy.
Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot in kind of a screwed up way?
You know, she was in Leaving Las Vegas in addition to Adventures in Babysitting.
Like, uh...
And then he meets a whore and pays her a bunch of money to stay with him,
- She was in that. - Yeah.
Stewie, what the hell are you doing? Go back to bed.
- What did he say? - Uh, nothing.
Well, honestly, no.
And then he got Parkinson's.
"that all men are created equal."
Hardly anybody's hiring right now.
I'm sorry, what?
I just got my paycheck and my salary's doubled ever since Meg got fired.
And you'd be one terrific brother if you could help her.
The runners will score and a cascade of "boos" rain down from the stands
which calls to mind the question once again,
Yeah, everybody's having a good time.
Hey there, buddy. Check it out. Check it out.
No way! We have to talk about it!
She's hired, she's hired!
I know who can cheer you up.
6x1 "The Long Honeymoon"
When Alex returns from a humanitarian trip, the family dynamic shifts; Cameron remains in a lovey-dovey mood even after the honeymoon ends; Gloria gives Jay a taste of his own medicine after noticing the lack of effort he puts into his appearance.
(crash)
Well, contribute to pointing your gun at that door.
- OK, I clicked "Preferences". - Now go to "Default media browser".
All right. It's telling me I have to download RealPlayer 7.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
"No, it's OK, he won't mind."
Ooh, ooh! OK, OK. I'm feeling number 14. Let's go with number 14.
- My father was a service droid! - Hey, where are you going?
Oh, man, this looks like the wrong neighbourhood.
(♪ Minuet from "String Quintet No 5" by Boccherini)
No. It's virtually indestructible - like, 99.99%.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw.
That would look terrible - we gotta think about resale.
That property is in a prime location - 20 minutes to the beach, same to downtown.
- We'll get estimates. - Get estimates, yeah. Yeah.
(woman) Luke? Luke?
One day, I'm just gonna take off and join the rebellion, whether you like it or not.
(melancholy music)
John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody!
Now do the theme to The People's Court.
Oh, this oil bath is gonna feel so good.
Due to a garbled subspace transmission,
My God, you shoot small animals for fun?
- R2, what are you doing out here? - Beep, oop, beep.
Who the hell are you?
General Kenobi, many years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.
... Joey Lawrence haircut. So I'll assume we can count on your help
Luke, you must learn the ways of the Force and come with me to Alderaan.
Yeah, everyone in the neighbourhood has one.
But if they find out who the Jawas sold them to, that could lead them back... home!
(♪ parody of theme from "The Simpsons")
Sorry, private party tonight.
- I don't like you either. - You don't even know me!
- Same song. Here we go. - (same tune resumes)
so I'm gonna assume there's no one in there.
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