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Stop Spinning, Start Breathing

Published by Zari Ballard @ Smashwords

Copyright@2013 Zari Ballard

SMASHWORDS

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only,

Note to Readers

In this book, when I refer to narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths as being of the male gender, it is only for the sake of convenience and because I am speaking about my own relationship experience. An N/S/P can be male or female with the exact same characteristics and I absolutely welcome any reader of either gender who has experienced a narcissistic partner.

Also, please understand that Stop Spinning, Start Breathing is a recovery journal written from my own personal perspective. Deliberately non-clinical in content, this book offers no psychological explanations for the behaviors of narcissists or anyone similar (or for our behaviors relative to them) nor does it encourage cutting these types of partners any slack whatsoever. Like When Love Is a Lie, this book is about the reality of the situation and those having had the experience will understand exactly what I am talking about.

Thank you for reading.....

#  Table of Contents

Copyright

Note to Readers

What We Allow, Will Continue

How to Use this Workbook

Introduction: Clarifying the Moral Compass

Part I: Putting the Relationship in its Proper Perspective

Exercise 1a: Managing the Memories

Exercise 1b: Lies, Lies, Lies

Exercise 1c: Navigating Cognitive Dissonance

Part II: Working Through the Pain

Exercise 2a: Why so Much Pain?

Exercise 2b: Silence Appreciation

Exercise 2c: The Revenge Factor

Part III: Moving Forward

Exercise 3a: Facing Our Fears

Exercise 3b: The Undeniable Truths vs. The Obvious Reason

Exercise 3c: Kicking the Codependency to Hope

Exercise 3d: Creating Deal-Breakers

Some Final Thoughts: No Contact & Being Single

About the Author
What We Allow, Will Continue

At the grandiose point that we realize that our partner is a **narcissist/sociopath (N/S)** , we can also safely assume that we've been his/her enabler for a very long time. It's a crazy, addiction co-dependency that has _almost_ has as much to do with our allowing it as it does with the **narcissist's manipulation**. I say almost because I believe that credit should be given where credit is due – and the narcissist deserves most of the credit. Victims are manipulated into uncertainty to the point of second-guessing even the cold, hard facts. Our "love" life is continually played out on an unsteady high wire....that incredibly fine line between what we know is happening, what we think is happening, and what we hope isn't happening. So, when we do realize "what's up" and that – lo and behold – we were, for all intents and purposes, a willing participant, it's a hard pill to swallow. The good news, however, is that if we choose to accept it and vow to undo it, we get to take a giant step forward on the game board, moving us that much closer to mentally breaking free from this very toxic individual...moving us that much closer to our much-needed recovery.

The truth of the matter is one that applies to just about any uncomfortable situation: _what we allow is what will continue_. If we allow the narcissist to disappear and reappear...to give us the deafening **silent treatment over and over**...to press the proverbial relationship reset button whenever he feels like it...then he will continue to do so until the end of time. Keep in mind that to a narcissist, this kind of bullshit never gets old. He _loves it_. It makes him feel gloriously alive and in control. If you allow it...hell, he's in narcissistic heaven.

And, on the chance that you feel I'm being judgmental about game participation, here's a few darkly comedic anecdotes from my own narcissistic hell:

_One wee morning hour (around 4am), approximately two years and four silent treatments into the relationship, my ex and I were sitting in a studio (we were both musicians) playing guitar and having a grand old time. About eight hours earlier, he had finally called wanting to see after six weeks of absolute silence. During those six weeks, I had been inconsolable, having no idea why he'd disappeared again (this being a time pre-"aha" moment, of course). I'd stopped eating, been unable to sleep, and written letter after letter trying to get him to respond but to no avail. Needless to say, relieved that he finally called, I happily accepted. So there we were, singing, laughing, and me feeling skinny, sleep-deprived, and as happy as can be when he suddenly put down his guitar, looked at me in loving amazement and pondered out loud "Wow. Why do you love me? I don't even call you."_

Nice. My response, if I'm not mistaken, was to have sex with him right there on the studio floor. Wow is right. Even the narcissist was amazed at my enabling capabilities.

_Then there was the time, about six years later, that Wayne (yes, that's his real name), after cheating on me, admitting it, and then trying everything - including smacking me on the head - to pull me out of my crying jag, finally realized he might have gone too far. Feigning remorse, he begged me to forgive him. I continued to sob, pleading "Why? Why? Why did you do it?" until the N, unable to pretend a second longer, threw up his hands in exasperation and yelled, "I don't know! I always figured I could do whatever I wanted and you'd still take me back!"_

My reaction to this burst of honesty escapes me (thank God) but let's just say that this particular incident occurred _after_ the "a-ha" moment and about four years _before_ we broke up...so, (sigh) we can all do the unfortunate math.

_Over the years, there were countless times where I'd ask "Why do you do it?" or "Why do you treat me this way?" and he'd calmly reply, "Why do you let me?" I'd counter that with something brutally honest (but ineffectual) like "Because I'm an idiot"_ or something equally pathetic and implausible as "B _ecause I keep hoping you'll change"._

Either way, what came to pass for me as a result was inevitable and, even now, it gives me a knot in my stomach. I was a Narcissist's Enabler. And the fact that you're reading this probably means you've been a Narcissist's Enabler as well. In fact, I can say with confidence that anyone who lets a narcissist back in even after just one silent treatment is a Narcissist's Enabler.

The narcissist _uses_ the silent treatment to not only gauge _our_ level of codependency and/or enabling capability but also to gauge _his_ level of control at any given time. This is why the silent treatment always seems to occur out the blue, catching us off-guard. Something that we do or say causes a warning bell to go off in the narcissist's twisted head indicating that we might not be as gung-ho for his program as he'd assumed.

_Shit, what's going on here? Better give her the silent treatment so I can get the levels on this._

What we allow is what will continue. And I understand this because I allowed for years and years. I was all apologies all the time without knowing what I was apologizing for. In the end, after nearly thirteen years, when I finally stopped allowing (and my levels kept coming back negative), the N left for good and he has never returned. That was a little over a year ago and not a word since. Obviously, the person(s) on the _other_ receiving end of his narcissistic evil was - and still is (are) - being compliant. To whoever holds this coveted position, I say _good luck with that_ _and_ _better you than me_ _. But nothing about any of this is easy and the pain is as painful as it gets._

This book is about feeling better....about getting back on the road to normal and away from the spinning. By that, I mean the mindset of madness that prevents a narcissist's victim from ever getting to a place where feeling better – let alone feeling normal \- seems even the slightest bit possible. Spinning is all about the thinking...the ruminating...the dwelling....the misappropriated concentration...the twisted focus...yes, it's all about that. The N encourages our spinning by giving us a long list of things to think and worry about - none of which are good and all of which are about him. If he's performed his duties well, he may not have to utter even a single word to get you to worry as hard as he'd like you to. Or he may choose to do the opposite, speaking the words "don't worry about a thing" with just the right inflection in his voice to keep you off-balance. Either way, you're smart and he knows it... so he's confident you'll get the message.

To those on the outside, the fact that we have to "recover" from any toxic partner may appear, at best, peculiar and, at worst, maybe even ludicrous. Why would anyone have to recover? Why can't these whiners just shake themselves off and move on? Why all the damn suffering? And, based on normal circumstances, I can even understand this way of thinking. But the truth, as you and I know, is that there is nothing normal about the circumstances a toxic, disordered narcissist will create in order to sabotage a relationship. There is no level to which he won't stoop, no rock under which he won't crawl, and no personal boundary over which he won't eagerly leap (like an evil Superman) in his quest to make another person insane. It's a mission so cleverly disguised at the outset that no one but the perpetrator himself is ever the wiser until it's far too late to back out comfortably. A person who has never experienced this type of relationship will simply never understand. So, that being said, if the narcissist's mask has finally slipped far enough for you to see underneath...if the a-ha moment has made itself horribly clear...if your emotions have been pushed to the absolute brink of destruction and your expectations of the relationship managed down to near nothingness, the next step, which can only go up, had better be on a path to recovery or else. Other than continuing to suffer in a manipulated reality, planning a recovery strategy for taking your life back is the only alternative.

Now...if only it could be that simple! To begin, let me ease you onto the right path via five important key points – or recovery takeaways – based upon the content of this book.

When our partner is a narcissist, by the time we figure it all out (and recognize our accountability), we've already accumulated an arsenal of emotional road blocks that eventually will stand in the way of our getting better. The biggest of these self-made deterrents is, of course, our enabling and the fact that we unwittingly become codependent on the very narcissistic drama that we hate. We actually become attached to the suffering. It's horribly unfair but it is what it is. Suffering over the narcissist inevitably becomes part of who we are (which, by the way, is exactly what the narcissist intended all along) and "spinning" is what we do to try to make sense of something that is entirely nonsensical.

Because our mental road blocks will never go away by themselves, it's imperative that we act aggressively about recovery. By this, I mean that we can start any time. No waiting until tomorrow or next week or after you've given him one more chance to get it right. It means getting started now which leads me to:

IMPORTANT TAKEAWAY #1: it doesn't have to be over between you and the narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath in order for you to begin working on recovery.

Indeed, if we waited for the end, most - if not all - of us would never have a chance. Why? Because when you're involved with a narcissist, the possibility is very real that it could never end. Why? Because, for a narcissist, watching you suffer never gets old, it just gets better. Furthermore, the narcissist knows that healing, for any victim, typically begins when a relationship ends so his entire purpose is to ensure that never happens. So, I emphatically encourage you to start your recovery right now while you're thinking about it or while this toxic individual is out of the room or while he's subjecting you to a silent treatment...and even while he's in the middle of hoovering to get you back. The sooner you start taking steps towards getting better, the sooner you'll start feeling the relief of detachment and the easier a break-up of any kind with the narcissist will be later on.

For just a second, put aside all notions of procrastination and assume that today is the day that you will finally put your foot down. If you're not ready for a confrontation or to go "no contact" – hey, that's perfectly okay! You can still put your foot down even if it's only in your mind. There's nothing wrong with keeping your recovery a secret from the N because, honestly, this isn't about him at all. It's about you! For the first time in a very long time, you are actually going to stop spinning and start breathing and it's really going to be okay.

As you move through the steps of this book, it's important to stay centered in reality – your reality. You already know what the truth of the matter is or you wouldn't be here hoping to get better and stronger. Your time as a super-sleuth investigator is over, my friend. There's nothing about the narcissist that you need to figure out or find out about anymore. Now going forward, whether you're in the relationship or out of it, it's all about figuring you out and where your head is at....which leads me to:

IMPORTANT TAKEAWAY #2: the main reason that a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath returns again and again is to make sure _that you never move on from the pain he caused you_.

And while this isn't the only evil reason, it certainly is the Grand Daddy of them all. He doesn't return because he misses you or loves you or realizes the error of his ways – no, unfortunately, it's none of that. Narcissists, specifically, will return (or hoover) for the purpose of keeping victims in the queue alongside all the others for as long as possible, thus ensuring that back-up narcissistic supply is always available. _You see, by pressing the relationship reset button, the narcissist_ _is allowed_ _to repeat the honeymoon phase over and over. The honeymoon phase is always fresh and new and narcissists_ _love, love, love_ _things that are fresh and new. And, hell,_ _we_ _love things that are fresh and new too but it's never long before the narcissist's fresh and new turns into_ _what the fuck_ _and we start - God forbid – questioning suspicious behaviors. To the narcissist, this is like the picture tube on a TV going out in his brain. He literally can not compute the resistance._

_What did she just say? Where was I_ _when_ _? What? Is she speaking English? Who is she? Where'd the_ _other_ _girl go? Where the fuck is the channel changer?_

_Then, with legs spinning in circles like a frigging cartoon, he's gone and the silence begins. He literally punishes us for ruining his good time (even though he would have left anyway_ _eventually_ _, of course!)._ Narcissistic hoovering (via text, email, Facebook, or sporadic phone call) is the N's way of "checking in" at a certain point to make sure you're still in grief-mode - and if you're not, he'll be sure to change that. Rarely lacking in confidence, the N knows all the buttons to push to make you feel and behave in very specific ways - and the bottom line, to him, is that you be there when he gets back....that you allow yourself to suffer just enough to keep him interested but not enough to interfere with his good time. It's a twisted game of cat and mouse that is strangely addicting to the mouse even though the mouse never wins. Moreover, in this version, while the cat's away, the mouse won't even play. The mouse just waits. And the cat just does whatever he fucking pleases with all the other mice.

In order to get past the pain, we've got to look at the narcissist and see him for exactly what he is. Recovery from narcissist abuse, according to my thinking, is all about realizing that nothing about this person is real except for the fact that he wants to destroy you. He is a pretender...an emotional impersonator...an anomaly that spends every waking minute trying to compensate – in the worst possible way - for human qualities that he can never have. Love is boring. Peace and calm are worse. Happiness is unforgivable. An N only "puts up" with niceties because he has to – of that, he is very much aware. Why do you think he's so good at making us think he's the good guy? The N has learned that certain emotions produce certain results and so he uses "mimicking" to get him what he wants from people who can provide. This strategy, while certainly effective, only works around those who have yet to see beneath his mask and of this, he is also aware. In your relationship, for example, the N has likely figured out (or has a good idea) that part – if not all – of his gig is up. If this the case, you've probably noticed either a significant increase in the amount of narcissistic chaos being created (ridiculous fights, ludicrous accusations, nit-picking, trying to instill jealousy, gas-lighting) or an unusually long and torturous silence taking place (sudden disappearance, silent treatment, no calls, texts, nothing) or perhaps you're being subjected to a little bit of both (silence for a few days, then a mean text or voice mail, rinse and repeat). Bottom line is:

IMPORTANT TAKEAWAY #3: if he knows you know, you may be on the verge of being (figuratively) erased. Let it happen.

Seriously, if you think he might be erasing you (as he's done many times before), it's because you're close to finding out something he'd rather you not know right now. Nothing you do is going to stop it from happening. Take a breath and let it play out. In the meantime, while he's gone, silence appreciation (Part II – Exercise 2b) is going to save you from yourself.

So, now for the question that weighs most heavily on the mind when it comes to recovery: How long is this going to take? How long until I stop thinking about the bastard? Well, I browsed around the internet and it appears that nobody seems to know. Some "experts" say it's different for everybody, some say it takes about a year, others say it could take forever, and I'm giving my answer as:

IMPORTANT TAKEAWAY #4: if you really make a commitment to some version of recovery, then you can plan on giving yourself one month for every year you've been in it to feel better.

But you must become an active participant (as I'm sure you will). If you do nothing and continue to ruminate on The Relationship (which was imaginary, by the way), yes, it could possibly take forever. Or you could die. Either of those could come first and neither option is hopeful. OR you can commit to getting better one baby step at a time (just as you would with any other unhealthy addiction) and reap the instant reward – a recovery deadline to look forward to. After all, who wants to even think about recovering from anything without knowing when you'll see or feel the results? Not me, that's for sure.

Let's imagine that you've been living in narcissistic hell for five years and today you've committed yourself to doing the work for recovery. In that split second, just from making that decision, your focus will have shifted just enough so that feeling a whole lot better in about five months is a perfectly attainable goal. By this, I mean that you'll feel like doing things that normal people do – such as getting out of bed, going to work, meeting up with friends, watching a movie, listening to music, etc. – and you won't feel like losing it. You'll smile a little freer and laugh a little louder. And while this doesn't mean that you won't ever think about what happened or what he's doing (because you will), it does mean that your thoughts will be presented with much less fanfare. After all of the obsessing, waiting, and non-stop hoping, the relief you will feel will be noticeable. Finally, you won't be inconsolable.

If you're the mouse, it's time to change the game. The relationship will never get better than the bad that it is – and nothing you can do or say can ever change that. We have to stop enabling. We have to stop allowing. If we do that, nothing – but nothing – can ever continue to hurt us. So, whether you've recently ended a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath or a narcissist/sociopath recently ended it with you or whether you're still in the middle of the mess and looking for help, my hope is that the written exercises on the pages that follow will demystify the recovery process, enlighten and unburden your weary mind, and put the situation in its proper perspective. And that is my wish for you.
How to Use this Workbook

This workbook is intended to help you "journal" about your relationship. My wish is that you will use it as a tool for putting the pieces of your broken heart back together.

If you glance through it, you'll see that I've split the journaling process into three distinct sections: Putting the Relationship in It's Proper Perspective (Part I), Working Through the Pain (Part II), and Moving Forward (Part III). Each section contains a group of discussions and written exercises that serve as the actual lessons for that part of the recovery. By following this journaling process, victims who suffer the type of mental/emotional abuse dished out by narcissistic/sociopathic partners will finally get relief. It's a strategy that focuses, especially in the beginning, on managing the memories of our relationship that keep us stuck in the whole damn mess. Only by putting these memories in the proper perspective can we ever begin the purging process that eventually leads to recovery. I believe it can work because I've done it myself. And, in this workbook, we're going to journal together as a team – me and you.

Like the first book, When Love Is a Lie, this workbook was written from the heart and deliberately contains no medical jargon or psychological explanation for the behaviors of toxic people. For me personally, during those times when I really needed comfort and relief, clinical mumbo jumbo about narcissism did nothing for me. I'm fairly confident, even now, that it only takes one book out there explaining why these types of disordered personalities can never be fixed for us to get that part of the situation. But then what? Making the discovery – finally – that the person we love is a fake, while certainly giving us an "a-ha" moment, doesn't magically give us the ability to walk away or make the heartbreak any easier to handle. The problem, as I see it, lies in dealing with the aftermath – the emotional collateral damage - of what we have experienced or are still experiencing. And that became my starting point for this recovery workbook.

For me, the only relief I ever received came from sharing my experience with others who knew exactly what I was talking about and from writing all the ugliness down on paper. Albeit, most of my writing occurred in letters to the N (literally hundreds of letters during hundreds of silent treatments) but this only now serves to further confirm my theory. One anxious evening in 2011, after scribbling furiously for hours, I looked up after I was done and felt suddenly better. I realized, in a split second, that I'd always felt better after writing him a letter and, given the fact that his receiving the letter never brought about the change I'd intended anyway, maybe the writing of the letter was cathartic enough. After that night, I would write and write and then throw the letters out. The next year passed without the N receiving even a single written word from me although, in my sadness, I would write thousands more. And shortly thereafter, the relationship ended without fanfare. It's now been a year and I've yet to cry a tear on his behalf. Coincidence? Maybe, but somehow I don't think so.

As we all know, writing things down on paper is a powerful internal healer. Actually "seeing" your life in words is a healing process that is based in reality and nothing else. Rarely do we sugarcoat the passages of our diaries and journals and this is why these types of writings are so personal and profound. Sometimes we need to see our pain laid out in all its nakedness to understand it and to determine how best to release it or, perhaps, live with it. With this recovery workbook, although it is laid out in three sections, you are free to jump around to the exercises that feel the most comfortable and to which you can provide the most honest response. In my quest to make this a team effort, you will see where I have completed the exercise ahead of you in the grey shaded areas and you can follow my format for the "answers" or choose to do it any way that you please. If you don't feel ready or the thought of answering a certain question is overwhelming or irrelevant, then skip to the next. This is your recovery and your road to happiness or to "no contact" or to wherever you want to go. I don't care how we recover from this time-wasting nonsense as long as we recover!

My suggestion to you for actually doing the written work is to 1) print out the pages of this book, staple it together, and work directly on those pages and in the designated areas, or 2) buy a separate notebook to use exclusively for working on the sections as you read from your PC, tablet, or other device. Consider that the second suggestion allows you as much room as you need to complete the exercises and this is very important. However you choose to do the work, be comfortable and free with your thoughts and your words. Make this recovery your own and let nothing stop you. Make this recovery about saving the rest of your life.
[Introduction:
Clarifying the Moral Compass](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

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Loving a narcissistic partner or any other toxic individual with a borderline personality is one of the most thankless and mind-boggling jobs on earth. The relationship itself - with all its twists and turns – is far different than any other we might experience in our lifetime. Because a narcissist is seemingly born not only with the ability to deceive (as we all are) but an (eager) willingness and, it appears, a necessity to deceive as well, the depth of the betrayal cuts bone deep. Victims feel a level of despair that exceeds far beyond the typical drama-trauma of even the most dysfunctional of relationships. So when people outside of the relationship – even those personally close to us - don't get it, it's simply because they aren't grasping the concept of what makes us – as "normal" people - different from them.

Here's how I look at it: we're all born with the ability to do bad things and to treat others badly but we're also born with a moral compass that, for the most part, prevents us from acting on those abilities. Although it certainly doesn't make us perfect, our moral compass does keep us human, allowing us to have loving relationships with the right people. In life, we get used to the moral compass and we expect everyone we meet to have at least some version of it. It all comes down to whether or not a person has the willingness to cross that line...not the one that separates good from bad but the one separating good from evil, thus adding yet another complex element to what outsiders "don't get" about having a narcissistic partner – that it represents a whooooole other level of line-crossing. The truth is that, if inclusion into a category for "evil" was based on the sum total of all the bad choices we've ever made (and especially those that affected other people), most of us wouldn't make the cut. A narcissist, on the other hand, as a human anomaly that completely lacks a moral compass and, thus, will not only cross that line a million times over but actually prefers to live on the other side of it, will happily qualify every time. No matter how and from what angle you try to spin it, the relationship is guaranteed to be a roller coaster ride from hell.

No matter how smoothly it starts, a relationship that involves one partner having a narcissistic personality will inevitably take a mind-numbing turn for the worst, leaving the victim partner in emotional shreds, trying to make sense as to why it all happened. The montage of disturbing events that starts to occur – one after the other after the other - feels, to the unsuspecting partner, like a series of emotional sucker punches, each one more painful than the one before. Typically, the nightmare starts long after we've grown attached to the narcissist's fake persona.....the person that the narcissist pretended to be....the person that we thought he was...the person that he is incapable of being.

Lacking a moral compass, a narcissist will stay in multiple relationships, diligently working to keep partners unsure or unaware of the existence of the others, for as long as he can and even after it's clear that he needs to leave everyone alone. The fact that he causes pain to others is the fuel to his fire. Narcissists live their lives via the proxy of their partner's suffering and via the "rules and requirements" of the narcissist's pathological relationship agenda. My first book, When Love Is a Lie, is all about this agenda and how it very deliberately wrecks the victim partner. This workbook, on the other hand, is all about the recovery and how we can begin to mend the post traumatic stress of loving someone who seemingly exists or existed to ensure our emotional demise.

There's no way I could even begin to care about why a narcissist does what narcissists do or why a narcissist thinks and behaves like the devil's minion that he is. I just don't care. And I say this because if you, as a reader, are looking for clinical explanation, I do not want to waste a minute more of your precious time and I encourage you to seek out other information. For all others, consider the afore-mentioned my disclaimer and let's dig in! When it comes to this particular type of relationship, I believe that those of us who have – or are still – experiencing the hell will, at some point (if we haven't already) become perfectly qualified to write about it, talk about it, and advise others in similar situations. Mentally breaking free from what happened will always be a work in progress and we all need to stick together, to learn from each other, and to do our best to help prevent others from going down the same road. Above all else, I have complete faith that we can all survive.

So, without further ado, let's move forward.

Part I:

[Putting the Relationship in its
Proper Perspective](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

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[Exercise 1a:
Managing the Memories](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

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I assume that if you're here reading and working in this workbook, you must certainly have an idea of how the narcissist behaves and manipulates. Consequently, most of the exercises created for this book are about understanding (not to be confused with excusing) those behaviors and putting the relationship, as a whole, in its proper perspective. It would be great if this was the type of relationship we could just end without ever looking back but that's not the case. A narcissistic/sociopathic partner is like no other and to experience one makes never looking back nearly impossible. That being said, it's how you look back and how you choose to manage the memories that count when you're trying to recover and that's what this first exercise will be about.

When we leave or get discarded by a narcissistic partner or by someone we care about who has a narcissistic personality, we are often so crippled by the loss that we tend to forget just how awful he or she really was. We develop a type of relationship amnesia that I personally feel is more a symptom of narcissistic emotional abuse than it is, on our part, a conscious decision to forget. Much of this book, as you will see, is about reminding you of that awfulness lest you have a permanent lapse in memory and – God forbid – allow the monster back in your life. I know, first-hand, what the repercussions are of that particular memory lapse, having willfully allowed my ex-monster's re-entry into my life probably a thousand times in 13-years. My hope is that, by working through the exercises in this workbook, we can eliminate the probability or our ever doing it again!

The unavailable man, psychopath, sociopath, narcissist – whatever you want to call him (because, to me, they're all the same) – is a very passive-aggressive individual with all the time in the world to wreck your life. A normal person simply doesn't have the same kind of time on their hands. In the beginning of the relationship, the signs and behaviors of the narcissistic disorder are deliberately subtle, complicating the whole damn thing for the victim and giving the narcissist exactly what he wants. It's all part of a very methodical calculation connected to the pathological relationship agenda that most toxic people – and especially narcissists – live and "love" by. Unfortunately, those who were initially deceived by and now love these individuals do not typically discover what's happened until it's emotionally too late to break away easily. This is why I can say with great conviction that you can start from whatever point you happen to be in the relationship. It is never too early and it is certainly never too late.

Since dropping the mask or even letting it slip slightly too often too soon - especially during the all-important honeymoon, love-bombing stage – would certainly thwart the plans of his agenda, the narcissist has learned how to spread his work out over a long period time. This is no problem for the narcissist because everything he does is a means to an end and waiting is just part of the process. When my online investigations finally panned out and I figured out what was going on, I was already seven years or eight years in and I thought I could fix it. I read through list after list of behaviors and was continually flabbergasted (and sickened) how everything matched with the events I'd been suffering through. Even now, I still think it's a crazy thing. But what's even crazier than all of that is the phenomenon of forgetting how awful he is once he's gone. I don't know what psychologists call it but I call it relationship amnesia and it's very real. It's what keeps us going back for more pain every time the narcissist comes calling. To me, it's so very important that we keep what he is and what he does in the forefront of our minds as we try to recover......as we regroup within ourselves and find our way back to some semblance of sanity.

Now, the list that I use as part of this exercise is one that some of you may recognize from When Love Is a Lie. Although I use it again for this book, it's being presented with a much different purpose. Whereas my first book provided the list as a way to help the reader recognize the signs of narcissism, in this book it is being used as a way to help you remember exactly what it is that we're trying to recover from and why your guy fits the bill.

Again, because I'm doing the work right along with you, you'll always see my example in shaded grey italics preceding the bold sentences that indicate the reader's work area. For this exercise, I'd like you to read through each item on the list and write down an example from your relationship where the ex (or current partner) acted (or acts) exactly as the narcissistic agenda dictates.

So, are you ready? Let's see how well we resonate with the following list of narcissistic behaviors and expectations:
Typical Narcissistic Relationship Behaviors:

1. The narcissist (N) demands that you tolerate and cater to his every need and always be available when it works for him. He, of course, does not have to be available for you ever. If you dare to question his unavailability or show an emotional reaction towards a manipulative behavior, you will likely receive a "punishment" such as the Silent Treatment (a narcissistic favorite) or the proverbial cold shoulder (if you live together) as a reminder of who has control.

I remember that I had to be available whenever he called - to the point where I would freak out if I missed his phone call. And he hated when I locked the front door and he couldn't just walk in whenever he wanted to so I made sure it was always unlocked. Although I was always angry at myself for giving in to his demands, I still did it because I didn't want the anxiety of the punishment. Now, he certainly never had to be there for me at all. In fact, he didn't even have to have a phone at times or even answer the door when I came by.

Did your N exhibit this particular narcissistic behavior and, if so, write out the details of one or two examples and describe how this type of control made you feel during the relationship. [your answer]

2. The N is aware that his passive-aggressive indifference (not calling, disappearing, etc.) hurts you. By acting aloof and secretive, the Narcissist is able to continually test the mental limits of your patience. The partner of a narcissist is always made to feel that something is slightly "off" and, thus, will feel compelled – and eventually obsessed – with finding answers to the unsettling experience of day to day life with a narcissist.

He could literally ignore me for weeks at a time (with a silent treatment) over something completely ridiculous (e.g. me not being there to catch his calls). It never ceased to be a painful experience and I would become obsessed with getting him to break the silence, pounding on his door, leaving notes, voice mails. It was horrible [My book When Love Is a Lie details my behavior during a silent treatment and how I finally put an end to my own madness]. I also became obsessed with trying to figure it all out...internet searches...researching strange names and phone numbers that appeared to be connected to his other life. I was sure that being able to connect the dots would ease the unsettling feeling and give me the peace I was looking for – but it never did.

How did your N make you feel day to day? Did you find yourself struggling to be at peace in your own mind? Were you always pre-occupied with fact checking and getting answers to your own nagging questions? Keeping victims on the edge of their seats 24/7 is a very common narcissistic tactic for whittling away at a person's self-confidence and inner security. Describe examples of this type of behavior in your relationship and pin point exactly how it made you feel day to day. [your answer]

3. The N will jump at the chance to be physically abusive if you allow it because they always feel you deserve it. However, physical abuse being too obvious a slip of the narcissistic mask, the N will typically rely on his venomous mouth as the most effective means of inflicting emotional abuse and controlling you.

Although my ex-N found his sinister narcissistic strength in words and in silence (silent treatment), for the first eight years of the relationship, he would periodically be physically abusive....slapping me hard across the head and several times knocking me to the ground. Then, as I got mentally stronger in the relationship, I would fight back both verbally and physically and he started to slowly back off. One day, out of the blue, he announced matter-of-factly, "I'm not going to hit you ever again" and he never did – not one time. To me, however, the "decision" was so obviously more a strategic move to suit his own purpose in the relationship than a realization that what he was doing was wrong (of which there was no mention) that to hear him say it like that made me sick. When I look back on it, I don't feel that there was a difference between the physical and emotional abuse – meaning that I don't remember one being worse than the other. All of his behaviors – even those that were passive-aggressive – were so connected and so much a part of the overall relationship agenda and what he hoped to achieve out of any given encounter that the intensity of each event was the same. It wasn't until I started deliberately detaching from the emotional "hurt" that I felt any kind of relief.

A good number of narcissists and sociopaths are either never physically abusive or not physically abusive for any long length of time in the relationship. Even the narcissist knows that this behavior pushes the limits of what others outside of the relationship might be sympathetic to. Simply put, emotional abuse is harder to prove from a victim's standpoint. My observation is that a narcissist will eventually try it at some point simply because he needs to know, for his own satisfaction, that he was at least able to go there. The psyche of the narcissistic personality is primarily focused on causing emotional pain and this is why the relationship at times is so complex.

Was or is your N a physical abuser or did he stick to primarily causing emotional destruction? Describe how this aspect of the relationship affected your own psyche and how did you deal with it while trying to get along in the normal functions of everyday life? [your answer]

4. The N will cheat on you numerous times – of that you can be sure. If you catch him, he will dismiss your feelings, threaten to do it again to shut you up, or act as if you are making a big deal out of nothing. At the same time, he will accuse you of doing the very same thing. This is a distraction maneuver and one of the most hurtful ploys of a narcissist. However, because Ns are like children who give themselves away without knowing it, understand that whatever the N is accusing you of is exactly what he's up to at that moment in his life. Turn his ploy into your advantage.

At one point, he was adamantly accusing me of cheating (which I wasn't) and then he just disappeared. When he showed back up two weeks later, he was full of apologies but never really told me where he had been. Then, he answered his cell phone thinking it was work and it was the OW demanding to know why he had left her. He had to talk to her right in front of me. I was devastated and cried non-stop for days. At first, he pretended to care but it wasn't long before he was screaming "Get over it!"From then on, when he accused me of cheating, I knew he was. When he accused me of lying, I knew he was. All I had to do was really listen to his words – his accusations – instead of screaming over him. He thought he was winning but the reality is that I always knew what he was up to because he told on himself.

If your partner is a narcissist, infidelity or the fact that he will cheat is inevitable. This, of course, is the most crushing behavior of all and the most debilitating for us emotionally. A narcissist is as chronic a cheater as he is a liar. Prowling for new narcissistic supply is a thrill a minute for these guys and they feel perfectly entitled to do it. Again, it's all a part of the pathological relationship agenda – an agenda where the intent is to make you suffer – and what better way than to sleep with other people? The saving grace, however, is that once we realize that the narcissist can't help but accuse us of doing exactly what he happens to be doing, simply listening to his words begins to save us a whole lot of anguished guesswork.

Describe the cheating and infidelity that you either think happened or you know for sure happened in your relationship with a narcissistic partner. How did you know and how did it make you feel? [your answer]

5. Because a narcissist knows he is emotionally incapable of providing support, sympathy, or empathy, he will use his indifference to your life as a way to keep you unbalanced and confused as to his intentions.

In 2001, soon after the narcissist and I got together, my son – who was 10 years old at the time – developed child-onset schizophrenia. So, during all of the narcissist's treatment of me and the relationship, I also had my son's suffering going on and our subsequent journey together to get a handle on the illness. This included hospital stays, numerous medications, doctors, the situation at school, and the general horror of the disease itself. The N, for the most part, would conveniently disappear during many of the most traumatic events, only resurfacing when things had calmed down. Looking back, I think I jumped through a lot of hoops to keep things separated so he wouldn't see the situation as a pain and use it to leave – but he did anyway. I'm pretty ashamed of that now and I'm also obviously disgusted at his behavior. In 2006, after writing and publishing an article online about my son's journey, I showed the article to the N and, although he was complimentary, he read it without any emotion whatsoever. I remember being quietly stunned that he acted completely detached to the horrific story as if it had happened to someone else, somewhere else, and that he had no connection whatsoever. It never affected him ever.

Loving a narcissist is not only a thankless job, it's a lonely one as well. It's very, very common for the narcissistic partner to disappear at the most opportune times (i.e. when you need him the most) in order to avoid the annoyance of having to feign sympathy, empathy, and compassion in general. Situations where he is not the focus or won't benefiting from the outcome in some way simply serve no purpose whatsoever in his life. This would include, of course, any event in our lives where having the support of the one that we love would be most helpful. In my case, considering the fact we were together 13-years, there really weren't a whole lot of these events where I expected him to be present. But for those few that I did, he would literally kiss me good-by with the promise to be back shortly and literally disappear until he knew the crisis had passed – no matter how long it took! And, seriously, just having to type that last sentence....seeing it all spelled out for me...is further confirmation of the fact that, indeed, he was and is a fucking loser.

How about you? I know you've experienced this type of abandonment in your relationship with the narcissist. Write out an example of this type of emotional abuse (and it is abuse in every sense of the word) and describe exactly how it made you feel. [your answer]

6. Over time, a narcissist slowly manages down your expectations of the relationship by putting forth only the most minimal of efforts required to maintain his part. The N's rule is "just enough, just in time" to keep the farce moving forward and not a bit more. The N has no intention of filling anyone's expectation but his own.

My N was an expert at managing down my expectations over time so that I would expect less and less from him in the relationship and he could get away with more. For example, every time he'd disappear, he'd stay away just a tad longer than the time before and then resurface as if he'd never been gone. After crying a river of tears, I'd take him back without really pushing the issue and risk and earlier departure. He knew this and played it for all it was worth. He also knew that I'd be home waiting for him to return because that was how he had managed it. Eventually, he could pretty much stay away as long as he wanted because he had all but trained me to wait. One time, towards the end, when he rightly thought he had pushed me a little too far, he forced out a few fake tears and said, "I always figured I could do anything I wanted and you'd still take me back." Oh my God, when I think of that now, it still makes me sick to my stomach.

The fact that the N has managed down our expectations is not something we typically realize has happened until we stumble upon the phrase itself and discover exactly what it means. That said, when we do make the discovery, it usually triggers an "a-ha" moment relative to our own behaviors as well as to his. For most of us, as time passes in the relationship, although we might realize that we allow the narcissist to hoover back in, sometimes without so much as an explanation (at least a logical one) in sight, we're, for the most part, not exactly sure why we do that considering that the N is such an awful person. Our own behavior baffles – and disappoints – us. We think back to past relationships where we would never have let these things happen and it confuses us. Why, now, do we allow ourselves to be swept up in the moment by mere crumbs of affection? The answer is that our expectations in the relationship have been methodically, deliberately, and fairly brilliantly managed down, down, down to the ground until we robotically begin to give everything and, literally, expect nothing in return.

Think back to how creatively the narcissist performed this managing down of your expectations. If you can't recall specific events, recall those times when you took him back and then were shocked at how easily you gave in. Those were the times when his management tactics were working. Think hard and long about what he did and how he played the game to get the end result: you...over and over and over. It's important that you realize just how deep the wounds of narcissist abuse go. There are reasons for your own incredulous behavior in the relationship – and it isn't your fault. [your answer]

7. The N is very good, when he needs to be, at mimicking the appropriate emotions of normal people to get a desired result or something that he needs. By doing this, he is able to continually throw you off-guard by blowing hot and cold. This is how he snagged you to being with and how he is able to attract women to him whenever he needs narcissistic supply. This is also how he is able to make you think all is okay right before a Discard so that his vanishing act confuses and hurts you the most.

He could always "trick" me into thinking we were having a good day by being funny, having great sex, being generally affectionate and complimentary... and then, at the last moment, he would create some kind of weird chaos over something unimportant and absolutely cripple me on his way out the door. It was as if those precious moments just before that had never happened – and, of course, for him, they hadn't. Unfortunately, I wanted so bad for things to work out that I fell for the trick every time.

Narcissists are very good at what they do and we, being normal humans with real feelings, are inclined to believe what we see and take it at face value. We are also inclined, at least at first and especially with people that we love, to believe a person's words. Narcissists know this and will use it against us at every turn and when we least expect it. Think back to certain specific tactics of the narcissist in your life. How did this person follow through with their intentions to deceive you and why do you think you were so easily baited? [your answer]

8. The N truly believes that his presence is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection, and respect that he expects from you (his object). Therefore, the narcissist will postpone, withhold, or procrastinate on any continuing, normal efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship. Again, this is another way the N manages down our expectations, allowing him to get away with more and more abuse.

He never went out of his way to do anything special with me and, if he did, it was always something that ended up being about him. He acted as if the fact that he showed up at all or whenever he pleased should have been enough for me and, unfortunately, for a long time it was. We never made plans to do things like normal couples and, if we did, it was he who would initiate the plan and then proceed – without fail – to disappear the night before as if the plans had never been made. I became so used to this behavior that I never really expected to go anyway even as the event drew near. And if I did seem hesitant about making plans, he'd just accuse me of living in the past. So, in thirteen years, although we went a few places together, he never took me anywhere – ever – on his own (like a date). We never went on vacation or out to dinner or anything like that. He simply couldn't make a plan and keep it and, therefore, I never had anything to look forward to the entire time we were together. I hate him.

A narcissist will always let us down – sometimes for the little things and always during the times that we need him the most. Narcissists are especially fond of ruining holidays and birthdays and, for that matter, any type of celebration – particularly those that have nothing to do with him. Unfortunately for us, a narcissist never brings anything to the table yet fully expects his presence to be all the motivation we need in order to love him. Describe a time when you expected the narcissist in your life to be there and he wasn't. If you confronted him, what was his typical response? If you have children together, describe a time when he let the children down and how you felt about that. Were your expectations managed down to where you didn't expect his support and he, therefore, was able to get away with this behavior? [your answer]

9. Because a narcissistic has no capacity for a committed relationship, he is unable to fake an emotion of love for you for a long period of time. Consequently, he will disappear for long periods of time (invoking the infamous Silent Treatment) and return whenever he's ready, expecting no repercussions for his behavior.

The silent treatment was my ex-N's answer to everything. Every year for thirteen years straight, he would create a ridiculous fight sometime in October and then disappear without a trace until the holidays were over. During the first three years of the relationship, in addition to the holiday disappearances, he would subject me to a six-week silent treatment about every four months. Around the eighth or ninth year, in addition to the holiday disappearances, he switched to a two weeks on/two weeks off silent treatment rotation that lasted about six months (after which he'd stick around until, of course, October). During the final three years, he simply extended his October holiday break until around February and then returned to torment me until the next October. Just recently, I read an article that described narcissists as seasonal and then went on to explain how they typically spend summers here, winters there and vice versa. Every word of that article was spot-on. And, yes, a narcissist returns expecting little or no repercussion for his behavior.

As any victim partner will tell you, the silent treatment is one of the most powerful weapons in a narcissist's arsenal of passive-aggressive punishments. Narcissists love using the silent treatment because it is the quickest way to manage down a partner's expectations in the relationship and the most effective way to show who's in control.

To gather article topic ideas for my website, TheNarcissisticPersonality.com, I frequently study the site's analytics (search engine results) to determine what phrases and keywords are searched in Google most frequently by people looking for information on narcissism. With the results, I then create new and informative content...in effect, giving readers what they want. That being said, there's a reason why I've featured over six articles in the last few months on the topic of the silent treatment alone. According to daily analytics, the top keywords (related to narcissism) searched on Google always include the term "silent treatment", meaning that out of all of the searches conducted on the topic of narcissism, the narcissistic silent treatment is the most "popular". What does this really mean? It means that today's narcissists are more passive-aggressively sinister than ever before and that the narcissist's use of the silent treatment as a way to demean, demoralize, humiliate and punish others has reached epidemic proportions.

I know how horribly sad, abandoned, and rejected my ex's constant use of the silent treatment made me feel. Did the narcissist partner in your life subject you to silent treatments or, if you lived together, the cold shoulder? If so, for what "reasons" would he take this action and how far would he take it? Since a silent treatment is always used to disguise or distract from what a narcissist is really up to, what do you think now, looking back, were the real reasons for his silence? How did the abandonment affect your life and when would he return? Did the N have a pattern? Try to write down at least a few sentences pertaining to each question and answer as honestly as possible. [your answer]

10. A Narcissist is typically in total control of all communications in his primary and secondary relationships. This is necessary because, during certain times that he is up to no good, he will not want certain people to be able to communicate or contact him. Consequently, he may often have no phone – at least not one that you know of – or he will a secret phone or he will change numbers frequently so that you cannot contact him while he is with someone else or so someone else cannot find him while he's with you. All communication is only when he wants it.

I talk about the communication issue relative to narcissists quite a bit in my book When Love Is a Lie simply because the "cell phone game", without a doubt, became the biggest cause of my anxiety throughout the nearly thirteen years we were together. To quote from the book, "If, at any given time, he was feeling particularly evil or planned to be with another source of narcissistic supply for longer than a week, he would opt to change his cell number, ramping up the insanity even further. He changed his cell number so many times during one three-year stretch that I became confused which number he did have when we were back together."

You see, changing cell numbers (and maybe even having different phones for different relationships) put him in total charge of all communications. Yes, my ex was the Manager of Communications in our relationship and he took his job very seriously. He had no problem at all cutting me off completely by disconnecting or changing his number. In doing this, he unequivocally placed a big, bold exclamation point after the word silent treatment. To me, it hurt to the point of making me physically sick but that was okay with him too – in fact, my pain was the intention. He never stopped with the number changing all the way to the end. So, in effect, we spoke only when he wanted us to....when things were working in his favor. When he was ready to make up or when he was done with the other relationship, he simply dialed me up from his new number and we took it from there. The cell phone game became yet another cruel and demeaning way to manage down my expectations....and, over all those years, he did it too many times to even count. And I let him. On that, shame on me.

How did the narcissist manage the communications in your relationship? Or did he? Was he readily available or mostly unavailable? Bottom line...did you always have a way of reaching him even during times when he appeared to have vanished? Throughout your relationship, knowing how important communication of any type is to a healthy relationship, how would you describe the level of communications overall? [your answer]

11. Narcissists have no problem performing normal human obligations in the global arena of their lives (i.e. with strangers). This is why it appears that your partner gets along with – and is willing to do things for – everyone except you. It's possible this issue even became the cause of many major fights and, if so, there certainly was a good reason – you were right. The fact is that a narcissist will go out of his way to charm and impress strangers because every stranger could potentially one day become narcissistic supply. With you, however, the person he has already captured, the N finds the expenditure of civil treatment taxing to his mental reserve and not really necessary.

I knew that, outside of our relationship, the N was very concerned about how other people viewed him and so he made a point of really getting to know everyone he worked with (and he had a lot of jobs over 13 years). If somebody gossiped, he'd gossip too just to get on their good side. If someone complained, he'd complain as well and even offer a shoulder to cry on. He particularly latched onto the girls, sympathizing with this and that. It was ridiculous and, for me, sometimes embarrassing behavior that would, inevitably, get him into trouble (particularly in the workplace) – but he ignored my repeated warnings. To a narcissist, future consequences warrant no immediate concern whatsoever. Now, when someone is suspicious of a partner's behavior and complains about this person's indifference towards them, I always ask, "How does this he/she behave in the global arena toward everyone else?" It's a simple question but the answer will always be very telling.

This question is fairly cut and dried. How did your partner treat you in comparison to others? If the difference was obvious, how did those behaviors make you feel and, if confronted, how did he respond to the allegations? Looking back, can you see how your partner's behavior in the global arena directly related to his (pathetic) self-esteem and self-image? Were others easily charmed?

[your answer]

12. Narcissists will never accept blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They will always blame the other person involved – you, his employers, his parents or siblings, co-workers, ex's, etc.

This is a given with narcissists. Nothing – but NOTHING – is ever their fault. Mine blamed everything bad that he ever did to me and to anyone on a bad childhood. He would go on and on about how abusive his mother had been – I mean, horrible things that I am not sure even ever happened. If he got fired, he ALWAYS blames himself or his boss or another worker. If he cheated, it was because of something I did. In the end, when it was clear I wasn't buying it anymore he would resort to saying, "Yup – just blame it on me – I'm the asshole!! You never do ANYTHING wrong". It certainly wasn't an apology and it had nothing to do with accountability. It had everything to do with hating and mocking me.

Narcissists are notorious for blaming others for everything negative that happens in their lives. Literally, it's not unusual for someone with a narcissistic personality to never accept blame and to be completely incapable of understanding how such an accusation could ever be made against them for anything. To blame a narcissist for anything opens the door for retaliation.....some type of punishment to be implemented immediately to teach us never to blame them again! Yes, "blame" makes a narcissist very, very angry. Describe examples of your partner's reaction to blame or to any type of accusation towards him – even those that undeniably are right and true. To keep the peace, did you find yourself accepting blame when it actually belonged to your partner? [your answer]

13. A narcissist, in a very passive-aggressive way, expects to be the center of attention all the time and also that his every wish be fulfilled by their partners. With each request that, for whatever reason, you cannot fulfill, the N feels perfectly justified in asking it of someone else – and specifically of someone whom you might feel threatened by. This is why you, as his partner, will always find yourself jumping through hoops to please him at every turn, even if, in doing so, you complicate other areas of your life. In the back of your mind, you always feel threatened in some weird, untrusting way.

For the first five years of the relationship, he would, whenever we "broke up" go out of his way to befriend certain girlfriends even though he spoke horribly about them to me at every turn. He particularly made a point to become friendly with the girls that I no longer spoke with due to reasons that had much to do with him! I would hear through the grapevine that he had "stopped by" to visit these women and it would make me insane. Other times, he would passive-aggressively dangle a female co-worker into the picture as a threat and to encourage jealousy or resentment. This, by the way, is called triangulation and it's a method narcissists are extremely fond of using to keep their partners in heightened states of anxiety at all times – whether your together or not. My way of trying to avoid the anxiety was to bend over backwards to fill all and any of his requests even when they were inconvenient or interfered with important areas of my life. If I dared to call him out on his behavior or on my suspicions, he'd proceed to gas-light, calling me ridiculous and delusional. This controlling, gas-lighting relationship behavior, also typical of narcissists, is used with the full intention of keeping the victim partner feeling off-balance, insecure, and unsure of their own interpretations of events.

Did your partner go out of his way, using various forms of triangulation – albeit passive-aggressively - to make you feel suspicious, jealous, or threatened by another person or persons? Was your partner prone to gas-lighting during certain situations, making you second-guess your intuition and suspicions even though you knew deep down that what you were thinking was the truth? Gas-lighting and triangulation – tactics intended to break down confidence and self-esteem – will often be the cause of severe post traumatic stress in victim partners long after the narcissist has gone for good. If any of these methods, no matter how subtle, were part of your partner's arsenal, it's so very important to get it down on paper and work it through. Describe a few events where you remember being deliberately manipulated by your partner to feel a certain way. [your answer]

If you answered each of the above questions honestly, you may be feeling a little uneasy right now and that's okay. It's important to get a clear picture of the (ex) narcissist in your life...to see how, in fact, he and all of his behaviors do indeed fit nice and neatly under the given label. You deserve to see it, your recovery demands it, and, believe me, when you're dealing with a narcissistic personality, there's no such thing as too much confirmation.
[Exercise 1b:
Lies, Lies, Lies](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

I emphasized it in When Love Is a Lie and I'll emphasize it again right now: narcissists lie even when the truth is a better story. Everything about the relationship itself and as a whole is false...a fabrication....a big fat lie. This habit of the narcissist to lie about everything - no matter what it is or how significant - is the core of our pain.....the nucleus around which our tears revolve day after day after day. My thought is that developing relationship amnesia is just one way our brain protects us from having to obsess about the past even more than we already do. But now....now that we're here trying to recover from the whole mess, we have to focus on all of it, including the lies. Not obsess, but focus. And that's why this section is about putting the relationship in its proper perspective. So, what better way to do that than to talk about all those lies?

How strange that, as soon as the relationship is over, we can't, for the life of us, remember why the narcissist is bad, bad, bad. All we can think about is the great sex or the last time he made us laugh or how long we've been "together" or how cute he is or whatever. Certainly, under normal circumstances, there wouldn't be a problem with thinking back on good times and cherishing certain parts of the relationship. But these are not normal circumstances. The fact is that none of what we remember as being good was ever real. Maybe those moments felt good to us right then but goodness is supposed to last longer than a moment. For the narcissist, nothing – not a single part of it - was real because he/she felt nothing. I know that's hard to wrap your head around but it's the truth.

This exercise is, again, about remembering the relationship as it truly was...the reality of it. While you're hurting, it's so easy to wrap the sadness of the situation in a delusional light but "delusional" is not what we want to be or how we want to feel right now. We want to be clear in our minds about what we just encountered.....the abuse...the manipulation...and, most importantly, the lack of reciprocated love. Unfortunately, we loved someone who was clearly not only unlovable lovable but unworthy as well and we need to accept that and have a clear picture of it. No more relationship amnesia or selective memory. No more sugarcoating the abuse and offering mental forgiveness before it's due. Now, I know there will be a certain number of readers – just as there were with my first book - who will insist that I don't hold myself accountable for anything. I, of course, know that that is a crock of shit and this isn't about accountability anyway – at least for this moment. It's about betrayal and pain and a broken heart. It's about the butterflies in your gut that never go away and the anxiety, the wondering, and the anger.

In order to heal, we simply must set aside the tears for right now and put the relationship in its proper perspective. Are you ready to begin?

1. Once, when he disappeared for two weeks...simply vanished...he finally hovered with a text (as usual) saying he had flown back east to visit his sick father for two weeks and had just gotten back. LIE! I insisted that I saw his car around town but he insisted otherwise. LIE! Tickets, please. Nope, he said he'd thrown them out. LIE!

2. When he first came back around after being gone for three months and wanted to see me, he was going to come over but called to say his mother had had a stroke and was in the hospital and he couldn't make it. He even faked crying the entire call except he forgot to fake it right at the end, letting his voice completely go back to normal right as he hung up and I caught it. A call to every hospital in town confirmed what I knew. LIE!

3. When he'd moved of his apartment and swore up and down he was homeless and living in his truck. However, when he'd call, I could tell he was in someone's house and even heard voices in the background that he denied were there. It would take him a long to call me back if I left a message. Many other things led me to believe otherwise. LIE!

Now it's your turn. Looking back, write a few paragraphs, each describing a fictitious story, fabricated excuse, a lie by omission, or just an out and out lie told to you by the Narcissist at any point in your relationship. The lie's level of significance isn't important because a lie is still a lie. Feel free to write out as many as you can remember. Fill up a whole damn notebook if you like. This is a time to purge no matter how painful the memory. [your answer]

This – the endless lying – is at the heart of the emotional suffering that we endured and that is a fact. To expect us to "just get over it" is not only ludicrous, it's completely unrealistic. Being lied to over and over and over by someone we love is the ultimate betrayal and breeds general mistrust all around. The affects of the narcissist's lies spill into other areas of our lives and disrupt the normal flow of everyday life. It affects our children and our families. Without a doubt, I feel that this is the most damaging part of the narcissist's pathological relationship agenda and the more we purge...the more we accept and release the words of the betrayal, the lighter our hearts will be.
[Exercise 1c:
Navigating Cognitive Dissonance](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

By most definitions, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort or torment a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously. On other words, we are torn between believing what we want to believe and accepting what we know to be the truth about someone or something. It happens to everyone numerous times in a lifetime and oftentimes will result in our making an important decision that ultimately works in our best interest or for the best interest of our family.

Cognitive dissonance is not always a bad thing because it helps us weigh both sides of a situation and make (hopefully) the best choice based on the truth and on the facts. Cognitive dissonance is not always a bad thing, that is, until it becomes the catalyst for our inability to leave a narcissistic partner or to remain in a state of "no contact" or to not give in to the hovering or to recover from the whole ordeal when it is finally is really truly over. It becomes a problem when it keeps us shackled to a codependency to hope that will never get us anywhere as long as we choose to remain chained.

The hardest part about letting go of the narcissist is our reluctance to accept what we already know to be true – that nothing about anything we experienced in our own mind was real.....that he didn't love us (never did and never will)....that every precious moment, every kiss and caress...all those times when we really thought it was coming around and oh-how-glad-we-were-that-we-stuck-it-out....that all those times were LIES. It was all fake, a fabrication created by the narcissist to benefit the narcissist. All those things that we miss – the sayings, the gestures, the witty comments – were falsities....clever workings of a con artist who knew how to present his stuff in a way that tugged at our heartstrings. So, not only do we suffer relationship amnesia when it's over, we suffer selective relationship amnesia, remembering only the best of the best in high definition and with all the sounds and smells in tact as well. No doubt, cognitive dissonance is a bad trick the brain plays on those already suffering the grief of love lost. And, yes, it is very sad.

The fact, unfortunately, is that the narcissist hates you, me, and anyone who truly has a heart. He hates us because we are capable of loving. He has hated us from the day we became his target. Oh, but that wasn't true the whole time, was it? Yup, it was. Just think about it. While you may not want to believe it, how many times did he climb out of your bed early after great sex, giving some illogical excuse for the departure and disappear for two unexplainable days...just vanishing into thin air? You get my point. In fact, the N probably did that or something similar to you many times over the years. And what about the sex? Ohhh yes, the sex. For me, the sex was my everything. How could he not love me if the sex was so great? That just wasn't possible! So, okay, he does a million bad things that scream hatred towards me but I'm going to cling to the sex and pretend that that's how he really feels. Sure, that makes sense. Or does it? And so it goes....our cognitive dissonance sends us to hell and back once again. Struggling to accept that your entire relationship was a fake even though you know in your heart of hearts that it was....wanting to believe that the narcissist must have loved you at some point in the relationship even though you know that no one who loved you would have ever done the things that he did to you (and behind your back).

The one belief that saved me from dying from a broken heart throughout my 13-years with a narcissist motherfucker is my belief that all things have to be, for the most part, logical in order to be true. In other words, something has to make sense before I believe it. Towards the end of my relationship, when I couldn't take it anymore...the constant lying and the constant insult to my intelligence, I started tossing out the same response to his word salad: "I'm sorry, but that's not logical, Wayne. It couldn't have happened that way. You're lying" and it absolutely infuriated him. And since he had no intention of ever telling me the truth, he simply started mocking me about it – "Logical, logical, logical...I'm sick of your "logical" bullshit!" and he'd mock me all the way out the door and then, of course, he'd vanish.

You can't argue with logic. You just can't. I used logic to navigate my way through – and up and out of – the muddy waters of cognitive dissonance. And you can too, my friends. In order to wake from a narcissistic nightmare, you must start observing the processes of your recovery logically. Things that make sense are good for you and the narcissist, as we know, is completely nonsensical. We can't keep postponing our recovery based on conflicting beliefs about the narcissist – especially when we know the truth. Unlike a narcissist, we know right from wrong.

To escape the grief and emotional torment of cognitive dissonance, you have to choose between the two beliefs and using logic is one way to ensure that you make the right choice.....for yourself, for your children, for your future, and for your sanity.

This exercise is about recognizing your level of cognitive dissonance and understanding that there really is a name for all those conflicted feelings.....and I'll go first:

Even though I know now it wasn't real, I still miss the way he'd hold my face in his hands when he kissed me.

Even though I know now he didn't mean it, I still liked it when he told me that he thought I was a really smart person.

Even though I know now it would have never happened, I still wish we could have grown old together like he always said he was sure would happen.

Even though I know now it was just a ploy, I still laugh when I think about how he would "affectionately" mimic some of my more dramatic mannerisms.

Even though I know he could care less about me, I can't help but hold on to the belief that surely he must think of me and my son many times in a day.

Even though he'd done it to me a thousand times and I have absolutely no reason to believe that the next time would be any different, I can't help but think that maybe he really has changed and finally he can stop with this bad behavior, realize what a good catch I am, and love me like I deserve to be loved.

In the section below, I've started a few sentences that you can finish in any way that you want. You'll notice that I start each sentence under the premise that you already know that the things that you miss about the N are a falsehood. I've also provided some blank areas as well where you can develop similar sentences on your own based on the pieces of your own experience Again, writing things down – even though it can be bittersweet – is a great way to release the mental image of the lie itself and, so, with this exercise, we'll deliberately allow ourselves a few more nostalgic moments. To navigate the waters of cognitive dissonance, we have to resolve to the fact that whatever we thought was real in the relationship never was. When love is a lie, we simply have no choice but to make the right choice lest we sentence ourselves to waste what's left of our life as well. And be proud of yourself in the process because it's a monumental step in starting over.

Even though I know now it wasn't real, I still miss: [your answer]

Even though I know now his feelings weren't genuine, I still liked it when: [your answer]

Now feel free to make up your own sentences representing the cognitive dissonance you feel about your relationships – the untruths that you can't let go of....the "wishes" for things that you know in your heart wouldn't have or will not ever happen. It is our understanding of the difference that gives us the strength to let go of a relationship that, for all intents and purposes, existed in our imagination. When we finally "get" this, then and only then can we being to break our codependency to hope and, consequently, our attachment to the narcissist. [your answer]

To begin recovery, we have to decompress and deprogram ourselves from the brainwashing of narcissism. We have to learn to make the right choices and to come to terms with our conflicting beliefs about the person that is hurting us. Once we do that, things start to calm down. Being confused about our feelings...knowing one thing to be true yet feeling something totally different is exhausting and will wear your moral, self-esteem, and overall self worth into the ground before you even know what's happening.

Keep an eye on your cognitive dissonance because, if the problem is a narcissist, I am certain you've been struggling with it. Keep your beliefs about this person in check at all times and you will start to see the forest for the trees. Things will go from dark to light and the narcissistic fog he has placed over your life will slowly start to lift. Being mindful of you at all times is the only real way of working through the pain.
Part II:

# Working Through the Pain

##
[Exercise 2a:
Why So Much Pain?](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

Before we pull ourselves up and start working through the pain, we have to understand why there is so much pain. Why this relationship is different than alllllllllll the others...different than the boyfriends of years back who you could have sworn devastated you (did they?)...different from the husband you divorced even though the divorce itself dragged you through the mud (did it?)...why, why is there now, when facing the bright possibility of a future narcissist-free, so much gut-wrenching pain...so much separation anxiety? Why is it so damn difficult to just suck it up like a big girl (or boy) and get on with it? Are we really that pathetic? Why are we whining? Is a relationship break-up with a narcissist that different? Yup, you bet it is.

Oddly enough, most women and men who end up in a relationship predicament with a narcissistic partner are amazed (and disappointed) to find themselves behaving in ways that are completely out of character. It's as if the narcissist molds and shapes the persona of us that he meets (and targets) into lots of little weaker versions that, in the end, don't even resemble who we once were. We are transformed, seemingly in seconds, from confident, successful women and men into needy, whiny newborns...newborns that will eventually be abandoned not once, not twice, but many times over before the end comes. And in the end, we feel like rejected newborns because whether it ends because he never returns or because we've decided that enough is enough, we still have to start over going forward and I mean start over. Suddenly, it's as if the narcissist was the only person we ever loved or who ever loved us and we know this isn't true...yet we turn this terrible "mis-belief", this utter fabrication.. into our catalyst for grieving. Lord Almighty, how did we get here?

First, all relationships end "sadly" for one reason or another. Sometimes the sadness is bittersweet which means that both parties love each other but have accepted the fact that, in the best interest of both, it all must end. Bittersweet sadness is what makes a tear-jerker movie a tear-jerker. Bittersweet sadness is what makes you leave the theatre rooting for both characters. So, no, breaking-up with the narcissist (a.k.a The Evil One) doesn't constitute bittersweet.

Other categories for break-up sadness might be anger sadness, cheating/infidelity sadness, realized-we're-better-as-friends sadness, grew-out-of-each-other sadness...or whatever. The point is that any of these sadness categories (yes, even the cheating/infidelity), while certainly justification for a break-up, has the potential to heal over time. Face it, there are simply some exes that don't deserve being hated forever – and this goes for you as well, in reverse. Time passes and we get over the hurt without even knowing it. Then, somewhere, someday, you'll see this person and realize that your first reaction isn't a jolt, or an urge to run, or bad butterflies in your stomach. You'll be able to give this person a hug, meet the new girlfriend or boyfriend, chat about the weather or even old times for a minute, and then be on your way feeling perfectly fine.

Now, understand that, with the narcissist, it will never be any of the above – ever. And you know it. And that is the difference. That is why there is so much pain right now and that is why we feel the need to recover from the whole damn mess.

A break-up with a narcissist hurts because: 1) you loved him and you thought he loved you, 2) you loved him and found out he never loved you, 3) you loved him and found out he'd been with others the whole time, 4) you based your entire future on this false love (and he went along with it), 5) you forgave him for everything in hopes he'd see the error of his ways but that never happened, 6) you invested so much time – maybe years – for nothing and he offers no apology (in fact, he blames you for all of it, 7) his ability to erase you (and even the children, if you have any together) is still, to this day, hard to fathom, and 8) he's simply fucking evil.......the list could go on and on.

It's important that you understand that you deserve to hurt. You are not being a baby, you are not being weak, and you are not losing your mind. Don't worry about what others think because anybody who judges your pain obviously has never experienced this type of relationship ever so who cares what they think! And anybody who has experienced it will know exactly why you suffer and it's all okay. So, for this exercise, make a list of the elements of this break-up that make it different for you than all the others. Why do you think that the pain is so much harder to bear? [your answer]

My point with this particular section is to let you know that it's not your fault. Toxic people are very good at what they do. When others don't understand why we have such a hard time letting go, it's because they don't understand the level of betrayal that's involved in these types of relationships. Much of the abuse is passive-aggressive and passive-aggressive abuse is all about control. It's hard to explain passive-aggressive manipulation because much of it is unspoken and takes place over a long period of time. In one of the reader reviews written for When Love Is a Lie, a woman wrote "wow, you've just described the relationship I've been in for 43 years". Forty-three years!! I almost fell off my chair. It made me want to cry, it really did. Can you imagine going through this bullshit for forty-three years? Either can I. But, obviously, the possibility is there.

In the next exercise, I'm going to explain how to appreciate the silence of the narcissist's absence in the wake of a silent treatment or break-up. It took me years to realize the importance of using that time wisely and, when I did, it saved my life and my sanity. If any of you have read self-help books that talk about mindfulness and meditation, silence appreciation is very close to that. I promise you, it will do you a world of good and results come quickly.
[Exercise 2b:
Silence Appreciation](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

As we talked about in the last section, the N/S/P creates so much havoc and chaos that we become immune to – and codependent upon - the constant din of the narcissistic nonsense. The noise that he creates, of course, is nothing but a distraction – a play of smoke & mirrors – to divert your attention away from what he knows you know about what he's really up to. Again, it's all in the strategy guide for the pathological relationship agenda and the narcissist follows it to a tee. He makes your world so frigging noisy that you can't possibly pay attention to every suspicious behavior (although you try!) or you'd make yourself crazier than you already are. The narcissist counts on this to happen and so he ramps up the volume with nonsense and bullshit and illogical lies until all you hear is the drone of the Charlie Brown "WUA WUA's" every time he opens his mouth. Then, while the noise and chaos is swirling all around you, he disappears or pulls a silent treatment because he's now free to go – at least temporarily – and, although you'll be suffering as intended – you will have been too distracted to really have connected with his malevolent scheme.

My initiation into the narcissistic world of silent treatments was a prime example of a narcissist's determination to get the pain just right. For Wayne, at least initially, it was a bumbling disaster because I honestly didn't get it. A silent treatment? What's a silent treatment? I swear to you...I didn't know what that was. I'd never experienced that with anybody, rarely even heard about it, and certainly never expected it. Consequently, the first two times that he tried to implement it, my unassuming reaction was to leave worried notes and voice mails showing nothing but genuine concern for his health and safety. I thought surely he must be dead to be gone so long. This, of course, completely thwarted his plans, forcing him to resort to Plan B which involved making up a quick story, returning quietly to the fold, and committing himself to getting better results the next time around. Damn it, this isn't working. Doesn't the stupid bitch know I'm giving her the silent treatment? Since the whole point of a silent treatment is to obviously be silent, I can only imagine his frustration when, by the second week, he realized that I had no clue he was trying to hurt me. At that point, his only option was to settle in, kick up some more chaos, and crank up the narcissistic noise.

A few months later, it was time for Silent Treatment Take 3. Determined to get it right, he cleverly added a little something extra to the mix for the very first time – he changed his cell number. At first, thinking his cell must have run out of minutes, I felt only mildly annoyed. It never even occurred to me that what was happening was deliberate. Even when days turned into a week and then two weeks, my only thought was that he was letting his phone stay off – and that hurt bad enough. For the first time, I felt sad enough to cry about the silence. How could he do that? Why would he want to? I thought we were good together. Then, as I waivered on the brink of depression, Wayne resurfaced, hoovering via text - only this time the son-of-a-bitch had a new number. The realization, to me, was unfathomable. He changed his phone number? Changed it – as in got a new one? Who the fuck does that? Someone who hates me, that's who! So why is he standing here? The silence was one thing but this blew me away. I couldn't get it out of my head. There are times that I still can't get it out of my head. As for Wayne, once he saw my reaction to his clever new trick, he knew he'd struck gold. With every silent treatment thereafter for the next thirteen years, he made the cell phone number change his permanent calling card.

Unfortunately, when the vanishing happens, the silence is painfully deafening. Yes, when the N leaves, he takes all that noise with him just for effect. Believe me, it's an intended discard residual meant to torment you in much the same way the noise itself did. Only worse. It is the silence that makes us panic – OMG, I've got to get him back! I was as guilty as all hell in this respect. As soon as the phone stopped ringing and all the commotion had halted, I literally was beside myself with anxiety. In the silence, my mind would be whirling a mile a minute, conjuring up all kinds of scenarios about the N and about what he might be doing and thinking and why he might be doing and thinking it.

In order to work through the pain of a discard, we must partake in a good bit of silence appreciation. You see, the silence, when it happens, in that split second becomes very representative of change and we all know what we feel about change- especially that kind. Just like the noise was all about him, the silence becomes all about him as well only this time it's worse because now you have no idea where's he's at. Basically, whatever we feel is a direct result of the deafening silence combined with overwhelming separation anxiety and, no matter how you look at that, this can only mean a broken heart.

So, how can we fix it and move forward? By learning to appreciate the silence. Once you learn to do this, the rest takes care of itself. In When Love Is a Lie, I talk about a series of mental shifts that began to occur for me out of nowhere once I got a grip on the big picture and started letting go. This didn't happen until many, many years later and long after I'd realized the enormous role that the silent treatment was going to play in my relationship with the narcissist. Sick and tired of being sick and tired, one day I simply let him throw his usual idiotic rant without saying a single word in response. When he got up and walked out, I still said nothing. I let him go. I didn't cry. I didn't chase him. I didn't scream after him. In fact, I never got up from behind my desk. He was so busy lecturing the air that he never even noticed my peaceful expression but that was okay. After the front door slammed, I just waited in the quiet...and, lo and behold, my reward for this mindful silence was an instant epiphany. Without the phone ringing (and me waiting to jump on it lest I – God forbid – miss his call), without feeling homebound in the nervous anticipation that he might stop by (and I wouldn't be there), without feeling that my life, from moment to moment, depended solely upon his next narcissistic move, I could finally breath. Wow...pretty amazing.

I decided right then and there that if Wayne considered himself disconnected from me, then anything that I wanted to do from that moment forward (or at least until he came back which I knew he would) was none of his fucking business. I was – albeit temporarily – free to do whatever I pleased. And, at that point, anything that I did would serve to be a beautiful distraction from the pain and that's exactly what I needed and now it's exactly what you need as you read this book and begin to get better.

Like everything else in life, silence appreciation following the discard begins with baby steps. That being the case, try to look at it this way: if you're still with the narcissist and believe he'll be back (like he always does), then take this wonderful time he gives you in between to do whatever you want. You know damn well that there is nothing you can do right now to keep him from doing whatever (or whoever) he's planning to do – so enjoy the time off! And if you feel that, this time, it really might be over or that you don't want to want him back anyway, then this is your time and your time only going forward to mend the old wounds. By taking total action and immersing yourself in silence appreciation, you can turn a silent treatment into a win-win situation!

Even thought the silence is deafening, I've been here a thousand times before and I know dwelling on it is a waste of time. Therefore, I am going to use the silence in a positive way by doing the following things:

1. Starting a journal that documents my feelings about the relationship. Every time I get a twinge of separation anxiety or an urge to contact him, I am going to write in the journal instead and I'm going to keep writing until the feeling goes away.

2. Go out with my girlfriends – especially the ones I've been desperately missing but kind of ignoring because the N never liked them. And I'm not going to talk about him at all while I'm out no matter who asks me. Not tonight.

3. Register for school or sign up for some classes. I'm going to do something for myself that makes me feel good about myself. And it has to be something scheduled so that I can put it on a calendar and see it ahead of me.

4. Plan something for me and the kids to do that will take up an entire weekend. And I'm going to turn off the cell phone while we're doing it.

5. Make a list of things I've been neglecting to do and see how many I can check off during the rest of this week. The list could include trivial household tasks or anything on this list. "Work on my recovery" is going to be at the top.

6. De-clutter my house. Get rid of every thing that I don't need by asking myself "Do I love it?" If the answer is no, I'm going to get rid of it. Clutter breeds emotional chaos and that's the last thing I need.

7. Dye my hair auburn red. That way, even if he sees me, he won't recognize me.

8. Go to bed early. When I stay up real late, it's usually because I'm worrying about him, what he's doing, waiting for him to call or text, writing him letters, investigating his bullshit, or driving around looking for him. Now I can go to bed without worrying about what he's up to. It's not my concern.

9. I'm going to designate a quiet place to sit for fifteen minutes every day. I am going to listen to the silence and soak in the non-noise. I am going to work up to two times a day, once in the morning and once at night.

Now it's your turn. Make a list of things you can do to appreciate the silence and also write, next to each item, the reason why you will be doing it. Make the list as long or as short as you need but think about each item. If you create a random list just to make a list, you'll never complete a single thing. Create a Silence Appreciation list and make it count.

Even thought the silence is deafening, I've been here a thousand times before and I know dwelling on it is a waste of time. Therefore, I am going to use the silence in a positive way by doing the following things: [your answer]

Keep a little notepad in your purse or pocket calendar for jotting down things you want or need to do as they come up. Get organized about your life. When our partner is a narcissist, the days, weeks, and months become an emotional blur and we get nothing done. If we do, it's only because we absolutely have to because, as you and I know, we'd much rather be sitting around filled with anxiety trying to predict the narcissist's next move – which, by the way, is exactly the intention of a narcissist's passive-aggressive nonsense.

The more that you practice silence appreciation, the better you'll get at remembering all those things that you wanted to do but never did because the narcissist was controlling your life. You'll find yourself saying "Oh yeah! I forgot about that! Cool, and now I can actually do it..." and it will feel good. And that's what you want...to feel good.

When I finally started appreciating the actual silence of the silent treatments/break-ups and using that time to do things that the narcissistic noise had kept me from doing, that's when things started changing for me. I wouldn't go so far as to say I started looking forward to the next silent treatment, but I will say that, after I started taking advantage of those silences to focus on me, I was less and less responsive to his return appearances.

You see, when a narcissist hoovers and returns, nothing changes. Ever. He just pushes the relationship reset button and picks up right where he left off with all his spoken and unspoken rules in place. He expects you to pick up right where he left off as well and that means following those rules as if he'd never been gone. Once you practice and get used to being free of his bullshit during the off-times, I promise you that you'll find yourself feeling more resentful than relieved each time he returns. I admit, for me, this feeling was unsettling at first because it meant I was standing up for myself even if he didn't know it. I had made a connection with the silence and it was very freeing. I felt like I had a secret and it felt good. I want you to have the connection as well but you have to allow yourself to do it. When you start taking advantage of the silence instead of succumbing to it in sadness or fighting it tooth and nail, your life will begin to change.

So, get started. Make every day that the narcissist is away Silence Appreciation Day. It's all about moving on, my friend.
[Exercise 2c:
About Those Boundaries](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

What are your personal boundaries? Do you know? I'll bet you don't – at least not off the top of your head. I, for one, know that I'll have to really think about it for this exercise and it's not going to be easy. To me, personal boundaries are basically unspoken and represent something about ourselves...such as our deepest feelings or our most important belief systems...things based on our own integrity that we (should) protect from harm. We develop boundaries naturally and that's what makes them so personal. Even if we don't think about them – which, of course, becomes a problem - we still have them. I bet if you asked the narcissist what your boundaries are, he'd know! In fact, nobody in your life right now knows your boundaries better.

You see, over time, in normal relationships, partners typically figure out and learn to respect each others boundaries without having to be told and without having to ask. In normal relationships, we can even fight with our partner to the point of breaking up and still not be fearful that he or she will do or say something that 1) could get us fired, 2) could get us in trouble with the law, 3) could embarrass us in front of friends or family, 4) could put us in a financial bind or even financial ruin, or 5) tarnish our reputation in the community...and so forth. When your partner is a narcissist, there is always that fear and with good reason.

Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths are natural boundary crossers and there isn't a boundary in this world that, to them, is untouchable or off-limits. Crossing boundaries is what they do and big or small, they like them all. Without having boundaries to cross every day, a narcissist will literally have nothing to do. Life will be "ho-hum" boring with no thrills whatsoever and he can't have that. To ensure this never happens, the narcissist taps into your boundaries early on by watching you and the way you live and work. Quite the impressive observer, the narcissist keeps a mental note of each and every fear, feeling, belief, and vulnerability he sees so that he can use one or more against you later in the most hurtful way possible. He has an entire mental list of things he "can hold over your head" if need be and everything you've ever told him in confidence is on it.

If we never make a conscious effort to take inventory of our own fears and vulnerabilities (See Part III, Exercise 3a), eventually we will find ourselves in trouble or, more than likely, trouble will find us. Boundaries protect things about us that are both fragile and strong. When we truly set boundaries, it means we that we understand – and respect - the lines of our own emotional and physical thresh hold and we will not allow anybody to cross. It means that we have inventoried our fears and vulnerabilities and now have committed ourselves to protecting them at all costs.

There's a host of self-serving reasons why manipulative, toxic people deliberately keep us so busy and hoping we'll forget our boundaries – albeit temporarily – is a big one. Always keep in mind that nothing a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath does is random. When a narcissist crosses one of your personal boundaries, he is intentionally making the leap from bad to evil. Because my ex was so good at crossing boundaries I didn't even know that I had, I used to say he had an "emergency boundary bag" that he'd dig into only at opportune moments. For example, my finally calling him out on certain repeated behaviors that he'd been enjoying for some time with no repercussions would certainly warrant dipping into the boundary bag. Oh yeah? Take away my fun? I'll show her! Eneey meeny miney mo, over the boundary here I go!" The same goes for any time that the narcissist feels that his worlds may be colliding or that you're getting a little too close to finding something out. For that, he'll need to cause a fairly big distraction and there's no bigger distraction than crossing a personal boundary.

So, we really owe it to ourselves to know our boundaries. It's our only protection. Later in this book, we'll talk about deal-breakers which actually protect our boundaries. We need to draw those lines in the sand. The more we care about ourselves, the less chance the N has of breaking our heart during the next go-around.

For this exercise, we're going to uncover a few personal boundaries. I found that an easy way to do this is to think back to the times when the narcissist really crossed a line....times when he went above and beyond the norm of his evilness. In the spaces below my own examples, start writing about a few of these events. Those times where his behavior really struck an emotional chord are the times that he crossed a boundary that was likely very important to you.

My ex had a penchant for threatening my work situation because he knew how much my job at the time meant to me. Therefore, one personal boundary concerned my job. To cross it, he would call me at work and harass me or threaten to call my boss.

He liked to threaten me with calls to CPS that I was neglectful (a common narcissistic tactic) even though he knew I was an excellent mother. Therefore, a huge boundary for me was my child. To cross it, he would threaten me with bogus calls to Child Protective Services.

He once called and harassed my mother over money that I never owed him because he knew how I felt about keeping my parents out of my personal business. Therefore, this boundary concerned my relationship with my parents whom I am very close to. To cross it, he called my mother and upset her. (Thankfully, she'll always be my mom no matter what and so she basically told him to fuck off)

He knew I took pride in my personal possessions so he would often destroy them, break them, or take them apart under the guise of "fixing" them and then leave them apart. Therefore, this boundary concerned a few possessions that I really cared about. To cross it, he once threw my guitar off the second story landing at his apartment complex. Several times he vandalized my car. Many times he would take one of my computers apart and leave it like that.

The above is just a short example but you get the idea. What were some of the personal boundaries the N ever crossed with you and how did he do it? How did it make you feel? [your answer]

Putting these incidents down on paper will bring clarity to the insidious nature of boundary crossing. If the boundaries you've uncovered still matter to you, make a mental note. Allow whatever you've written to stick in your mind from this moment forward.

And don't ever let anyone do any of those things to you ever again.

[Exercise 2d:
The Truth(s) About Closure](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

One of the biggest laments from anyone who has ever been discarded by a narcissist or sociopath is that there wasn't any closure. Oh my God, we'll say it over and over, whining and crying until either we believe it or everyone around us believes it: "But I didn't get any closure! There's never any closure...I need closure!"

So, now that we're working through all this pain, let's talk about this "closure" that we all want so bad from these unfeeling, uncaring, unlovable individuals. Since closure can mean different things to different people, then what is that unique, one-of-a-kind closure that, if we had it, would make this whole situation so much easier to bear?

I mean, since much of what all of us in narcissist recovery do is cry and weep and whine over the lack of closure, then we surely must know exactly what this closure is, right? Of course. And it shouldn't be anything we even have to think about, I would imagine, since we spend so much time grieving its absence.

Well, here's Truth #1 (which is both the good news and also the problem) about this elusive "closure" character (and this goes for any type of ending to any type of relationship, by the way): there's no such thing. And I'll say it again. There's no such thing. I used to cry about it too every time my ex walked out the door and I didn't think he was coming back. I wrote letter after letter after letter demanding my fucking closure and I never did get it. It took me a long time to realize that it didn't exist and that the pain I felt over not getting it was really something else (more on that coming up).

What I realized, through much soul-searching, was that "closure" is a made-up word that people associate with a happy ending...a word that signifies or describes all those events that happen at the end of fairytales (thus, the fairytale ending)...the events that result in all the loose ends being tied up in neat little bows on pristine emotional packages. In real life, the term closure, by normal definition, simply doesn't – and can't – logically co-exist with an ending of any sort. Now, I'm not saying that, in life, there are no happy endings....but, damn it, they sure are far and few between. With that being true, how can terms like "happy ending" and "narcissist" even sit side-by-side in a sentence? They can't – so how in the hell can we even think (never mind cry) about this "closure" thing when it's very existence ever – and particularly in our type of relationship – is a complete impossibility?

Seriously, if we think about it logically, what "closure" could the N/S/P ever give us that would make a damn difference after all the crap he's put us through? And, since we can't even define the closure we want, how can an empty, shell-of-a-man narcissist even offer up anything close to what we think it is that we need to make it all better for ourselves? Moreover, I'm sure most of us got the finger on his way out the door or a hang-up or a nasty remark or maybe nothing at all – and that, I'm sorry to say, was our closure. The fact is that it's supposed to be over and anything that ends when we don't want it to is just not going to make us happy no matter how we try to spin it.

But I know and you know that, whether there is such a thing or not, closure and our lack of getting it hurts. So, for this exercise, we're going to pretend that closure does exist for a minute and that our tears for not getting it are justified. This being the case, let's write about it. Since not getting closure is one of the things that keep us from moving forward, my hope is that, by pushing the agony out of our ruminating brain and onto the paper, we can move past it. So, what is the closure that we didn't get? If we could have gotten it from the narcissist, what would it have been?

You walked on me again and this time it's for good, I guess. I can tell you hate me because, again, you leave me with no closure. I don't feel good....I want to feel good like you do. You don't seem to have a problem with closure. As long as it's over so you can go do what you want to do, what do you care if I'm alone and miserable and missing you? I want you to say I'm sorry and that you know it was all your fault – every bit of it! Maybe if you at least said that, I wouldn't feel so bad. Maybe I'd feel some finality to the situation that would make it bearable. Of course, if you told me you were sorry and that it was all you, I'd probably cry even harder and beg you to stay so we could fix it...because you know I'm the most forgiving person you'll ever know in your whole life! You owe me closure and until I get it, my heart will never heal. And you do want my heart to heal, don't you? Oh yeah, you don't care about that. Then, for my closure, I just want bad, bad things to happen to you and I want you to think about ME while they're happening. Yeah, that's what I want, you sorry, selfish son-of-a-bitch.

Now, it's your turn. Write from the heart about this closure issue. What is the "closure" that you didn't get? And how would it have made you feel better in your given situation? Imagine you could pluck the N from his current situation so that he's standing right in front of you. Now, demand your closure. [your answer]

Now, as I mentioned earlier, it took me many, many years to realize that closure – by the definition that we all know and love – didn't actually exist (Truth #1). I did, however, still have to account for the pain I was feeling.........which brings me to Truth #2: what we really want is revenge.

If you think this sounds harsh (which I bet most of you do not), the next time your heart is breaking over the fact that the narcissist erased you from his life without giving you the closure that you want, replace the word "closure" with "revenge" in your mind and see which image paints a truer, more comforting picture.

Now, let's talk about that.
[Exercise 2e:
The Revenge Factor](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

Thinking about getting revenge on these motherfuckers doesn't make us bad people and it doesn't make us just like them...it just makes us normal. Now, I'm sure, as a writer, I'm going to get a lot of flack (and bad reviews) for this particular chapter from readers who have never been in a relationship with a narcissist - but I don't care. It's worth the risk for me because I'm confident that all other readers will know exactly what I'm talking about. And besides, I, personally, couldn't write these types of books honestly without addressing what is a very real issue. Now, that being said, what I figured out, after realizing that "closure" didn't exist, is that we only cry about wanting "closure" because, in our moral, conscious-laden minds, wanting to perform atrocities on these animals seems...well...too narcissistic. What we really want is something else. The truth is...fuck closure! We want revenge and we want it now!

We might not be exactly sure what closure means and how it would make us feel even if we did get it... but revenge? That's an entirely different story! Most of us can easily imagine – even if it's fleeting - how vindicating a good dose of successful revenge on the narcissist would feel.

So, let's work with the revenge factor for a moment. Now, I'm being flippant about it, obviously, because I do want these exercises to be something other than another reason to cry about love being a lie. I want you to find, as I did, that there's always a bit of humor in the sadness (and the madness). Truthfully, humor, more often than not, helps us to measure - with precision accuracy - the actual level of importance of any given situation. Measuring the significance of anything through a veil of tears is rarely an accurate depiction of the true reality and I think we all know this to be true.

When the N discards us, the message he sends is that we are no more important than the dirt on his shoe. He erases us. He erases all of our history together. He erases the memories. He squashes us like a bug. And this hurts horribly....sometimes unbearably.....and we simply wouldn't be normal if we didn't imagine, in our shattered little minds, getting a bit of revenge....of making him hurt just like we hurt...of ruining his life and, more importantly, his next relationship...of making him regret the very day he was born! For an instant, when we think of this, we feel something close to better – and this matters, it truly does.

So, we're going to write about it for a minute or two. We're going to play it out in a statement to the narcissist and then let it go so that we can move on. Why? Because we are not narcissists and he did not succeed in destroying our soul (as he'd like to believe) and, therefore, we can imagine a scenario of revenge and then release it to the Universe. It's a part of the process of acceptance and letting go of the relationship without attachment. So, let's play it out in a statement to the N/P about all of the things you'd like to punish him for. Let's be honest to a fault and then let it go – and I'll go first:

I'm angry that you left me and I really hate you right now. I really wish I could ruin everything for you. I want to make you suffer to the point that you actually feel the exact pain that I feel every time you walk away from this relationship as if it never meant a thing....for every time you walked out after creating a ridiculous fight just so you could disappear, for every time you decided to subject me to a Godawful silent treatment as punishment for some made-up crime, for every time you changed your phone number so that I couldn't find out about your other life or it couldn't find out about me, for every time you turned into a jerk right after we had great sex, for every time you compelled me to apologize when I didn't do anything wrong, for every time that I begged you to stay but you turned and left anyway, for the hundreds of promises you broke without blinking an eye, for all the times that I forgave you thinking that eventually it would matter but it never did, for all the hours that I wasted trying to investigate you and all of your lies, for all those hours I spent driving around in the middle of the night trying to find you but couldn't because you're so very good at what you do, for all those times you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me and that we were perfect for each other...for all those things, for all those times, I want you to hurt, to bleed, to feel sorry for throwing away our history together. I want you to feel something – anything – for me and for the life we were supposed to have together. But I know that you can't because you are what you are and, that, perhaps, is the true source of all my awful pain.

Now, it's your turn to vent your peace about the revenge/closure factor in your relationship. You can 1) write a bit about your opinion relative to revenge (and feel free to do it from any angle), or 2) you can write to the narcissist as if you were speaking directly to him, explaining how you feel and what you think he deserves, or 3) you can do a little of both. [your answer]

It may be different for you but I found as I wrote my section that it wasn't so much about me wanting to list the ways that I wanted revenge as it was about me wanting to list the reasons why. I'm fairly certain that most who are reading this book will discover something close to that if you re-read what you wrote.

The truth is that we are, in most cases, not going to do a single thing to "get back" at the ex lest we become just like him. Unlike a narcissist, we do believe in and understand consequence and repercussion and how our negative actions can affect the people who we love and who love us. Thus, because of our normalness, our focus on the revenge factor will be naturally minimal and fleeting as it should be.

The truth is that we loved this person and that is why we hurt. We wanted him or her to feel our love and reciprocate with feeling. The fact that we know now, in understanding the vileness of narcissism, that he or she never loved us to begin with is the true cause of our pain. And, so, the best revenge we can get on these monsters is to feel better. With the pain and the hurt still fresh, I know that concept may be difficult to grasp. But the truth of the matter, my friends, is that a healed heart really is our best revenge. And besides, out of all the acts of revenge that they deserve, it's the only one that happens to be legal. So, we have no choice. We have to move forward.

# Part III:

# Moving Forward

[Exercise 3a:
Facing Our Fears](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

One of the biggest reasons we stay in a relationship such as ones that involve a narcissist.....knowing it is wrong and that this person is very, very bad for us... is because we are afraid of other things. Fear is the super-crippler of emotions and will paralyze us from living life if we let it. When the narcissist leaves, disappears, gives us the silent treatment, does the big Discard...what happens? What happens when we think it might be over...that he really means it this time? That he won't come hovering back in one week, two months, or even a year from now? What's the first thing we do?

We panic. We feel afraid. Okay, but what about? That's what we need to figure out – and fast!

Are we afraid that this person who treats us so horribly might not want to treat us horribly anymore and, therefore, will want to leave? No, because that's ridiculous. Are we afraid that we'll have to live the rest of our lives without being subjected to this person's abuse? No, not really..no. Typically, are we hating this person at this moment? Sure, we are. So what are we fearing? What are we fearing that has us all wrapped up in a big cocoon of anxiety? The answer, as I'm sure you know deep down, has nothing at all to do with the asshole narcissist. It has to do with our own flaws – flaws that we get to ignore when the narcissist is keeping us busy with his ridiculous, hurtful, and crazy-making behaviors.

So, when the narcissist leaves, there we are...all vulnerable and quiet with nothing but our own issues for company. It is a creepy feeling, I totally agree. For me, as soon as I'd realize that a Discard or silent treatment had started, it was as if someone reached into my head and flipped a switch, shutting off the background noise. I never knew how fucking "noisy" the narcissist had made my life until he'd officially make himself "gone" for a period of time. And there I'd sit in the quiet with knots in my stomach...no phones ringing, no texts beeping in, no nasty notes taped to my car window, no knocks on the door or unexpected visits...no nothing. Suddenly it all stops in the snap of a finger....all that dysfunctional "noise" goes silent. The N is in charge of turning it on and the N is in charge of turning it off. It's a very intentional move and all a part of the pathological relationship agenda that I talk about in When Love Is a Lie. So, there I'd be, sitting in the quietness, thinking I was all twisted up and anxiety-ridden over him when really I was scared to death to be alone with my own painful weaknesses.

So, this first exercise has to be about facing the reality of that fear and what it's really about. Years and years ago, a child psychiatrist that I'd taken my son to see just a few times actually observed enough of me during that time to make this statement to me one day: "You have a fear of the mundane." I remember being puzzled and mildly insulted at the comment but it sure stuck in my head for years and years after. I realize now that I didn't understand – or, more likely, didn't want to understand – what he was meant by his statement. I know now that no truer statement about me has probably ever been made. Fear of the mundane – I am certain – is what kept me addicted to the narcissist's bullshit for over a decade. I was addicted to the very drama that I professed to hate and I think a lot of women who are drawn to these types of relationships probably have the same issue. After being immersed in all the drama and literally hating it while it's happening, the moment we think it might be gone, we panic. It's very discouraging, to say the least, because this Catch 22 is painful in and of itself. No one wants to believe that it's the chaos we're missing but the fact is that yes, we miss it. In a way, it becomes a part of who we are. We begin identifying with it. In fact, we identify with it to the point that it becomes us and we become it...and when it's gone, we feel lost...alone...because a big part of us goes with it. This is terribly sad and horribly true.

Since we are fully aware that our narcissistic partner treats us badly, the reasons that we stay in the relationship or the reasons that we stress so hard when it appears that it's over again are most likely based in fears that that have little to do with him. In fact, its more likely that the fears we suffer with now – and those associated with the narcissist – existed long before the narcissist ever arrived and he, being the calculating mastermind that he is, quickly targeted these vulnerabilities, laying the groundwork for the pathological relationship agenda that he would later use to wreck us emotionally (which, as we must always remember, was his intention all along). Because we've allowed ourselves to identify so strongly with it, the drama of the relationship has overshadowed everything. We get used to the narcissistic "noise" of the narcissist's existence in our lives and we miss it horribly when it's gone. In essence, we fear the silence of normalcy. We fear the calmness, the peacefulness of regular life. We fear the mundane.

Of course, there are other things that we could fear as well – rejection, abandonment, loneliness being just a few of those on what could be a very long list. And, of course, when we fear something, there has to be a reason why we fear it and to get to the bottom of that takes a little digging. Often, as we know, our childhood has much to do with how we behave as adults and how we interact with people and why we do things that are detrimental to us even though we are well aware of the choice we're making. Because I'm no psychologist or even slightly educated on the topic in any way, I can't begin to explain the psychological reasons for why we do what we do. That doesn't mean, though, that we can't begin the process of moving forward by at least trying to determine what our fears are so that we can, even if we don't quite understand them, release them.

For instance, there are a couple of family stories about me as a little girl that came to mind when I was thinking about writing this chapter. Up until now, except for the fact that, over the years, they've occasionally entertained the family, I never really gave these childhood anecdotes much thought. Now, though, I find these tales rather telling about how I've would later behave as an adult.

Much to the amusement of my entire family, I was, as a little girl, famous (or notorious, maybe?) for being dramatic and emotional. As my mom tells it, at the age of six or seven, I was quite a popular kid – so popular, in fact, that every day from the bus stop, a rather large group of neighborhood girls would follow me home to play. Everything typically went well until dinner time rolled around and it came time for everyone to leave. Then, the drama would start. With mothers waiting out front and the announcement made that playtime was over, everything changed for me. As the story goes, I would run to the front door, throw my arms out dramatically to block the exit and literally beg for my friends not to have to leave. Exasperated, my mom would practically have to pry my fingers off the screen door so that my little friends could sneak past. She describes one little girl, who was new to the group and understandably mortified by the outburst, being consoled by another little girl who calmly remarked, "Oh don't worry. Zari does this every day. She'll be fine tomorrow." And every day, these little girls returned to play and every day I acted like they'd never return. My mother says my saving grace was that I was so much fun to play with and she was thankful for that!

Other family anecdotes revolved around my ability to cry on the spot whenever something even appeared to be sad. When I was three or four, my parents discovered, quite by accident, that there were certain songs – such as Andy William's "Moon River" and the theme song to the TV show "Flipper" – that, from just hearing the opening notes, turned me into a sobbing ball of mush. My parents, who affectionately found this reaction very amusing, would often, at parties, prove the phenomenon to non-believers by dropping the needle onto the Andy Williams record and calling me into the room. Right on cue, I would start wailing as if my heart was broken - much to the amusement of the crowd and my parents.

So, what does this all mean? Maybe nothing except that I do know now that I've always been an emotional person...someone who cries easily about things that, much of the time, have absolutely nothing to do with me. So when they do, watch out. Did the narcissist know this about me? Sure he did – I knew him a nearly a decade before he became my boyfriend. He was around as my "friend" during two major break-ups in my life – one of them being my divorce from my son's father. Did he know I was a loyal girlfriend and wife and an even better friend to everyone else? Did he know how I felt about infidelity and about being lied to? Yup, he knew all of it. Even now as I'm typing this, it still pisses me off.

Narcissists target our vulnerabilities and "weaknesses" and use it against us at every turn. If a victim happens to be fairly emotional...well, hell, that's a bonus to a narcissist because he loves to play with the emotions of others. Having none of his own, a narcissist finds the whole concept of emotions enormously fascinating. He's learned, through experience and practice, that manipulating, twisting, and even mimicking emotions can produce desired results. The narcissist is, after all, a great pretender and, thus, will try to mirror our goodness while at the same time taking it from us. Known for being a strong-willed person outwardly, I'm sure I confided the truth about my emotional self at some point to Wayne (the narcissist) – who I considered to be a very close, platonic friend - during those first ten years. Did he know that, for whatever reason (and I'll leave that to a psychologist to figure out some day), I had feared rejection and abandonment my whole life? Yes, I believe that he did. In essence, I was a perfect candidate for his pathological relationship agenda.

Since I've already taken up too much of this chapter with my story, consider all of the above my peace. Now, it's your turn. What do you think your fears and/or vulnerabilities are? How do you feel either right now – if you're in the throes of separation anxiety from the narcissist – or at the moment he leaves and you think he's not coming back? Can you think of any instances from the past that are telling of your behavior as an adult? Did your ex know your story? [your answer]

A wise holistic doctor I once worked for told me, "If you face your fears, they fall away of their own weight." He was absolutely right although facing our fears is never easy to do. But when it comes to our understanding of why we fall prey to toxic people, it's imperative that we break through the fear of facing our fears! We've got to move forward to keep from falling back and this is just another step in the process.
[Exercise 3b:
The Undeniable Truths vs. The Obvious Reason](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

In When Love Is a Lie, I dedicate a couple of chapters to my "undeniable truths". Basically, an undeniable truth is a reason for detaching from and/or leaving the N that surpasses all other possible reasons. It's a reason for which there can be no argument (logical or otherwise) – hence, its undeniability. As explained in the book, I knew from the start that in order for these reasons to be undeniable, they had to be bigger and more meaningful than, say, the most obvious reason - the fact that the narcissist is abusive \- because the obvious reason apparently just isn't enough to make us go anywhere.

At the time of the writing of When Love Is a Lie, my decision to ultimately not go into full-on detail about my undeniable truths was based on the fact that, at some point during the writing process, the book came to be more about the journey towards discovering those truths than it was about the truths themselves (and I was okay with that). Now, with this workbook, I am grateful to have waited with those details because I truly believe that it is on these pages that my...our...your undeniable truths will have the most productive and lasting impact. And, now, you will be in charge of that discovery.

An undeniable truth, for me, can be described as a cross between a boundary and a deal-breaker (Exercise 2d and Exercise 3c, respectively). When I began to mentally detach from my ex, it was about two years before his final walk-out. I already knew, at that point, that I'd allowed my boundaries to go all to hell and the realization was really forcing me to look at myself. Silent treatments grew longer and the time in-between grew shorter and shorter - over and over and over. At times, I felt like a neglected punching bag...a worn-out doormat...a nothing and a nobody. There was literally nothing he wouldn't do....no boundary that was off-limits...no time that he wouldn't find it appropriate to disappear. Then, out of the blue, he'd be back like he never left. As I'd cry, he'd tell me to stop dwelling on the past but how could I stop dwelling on the past when the past was only yesterday? It was gas lighting and manipulation and all the fuckery in-between...day after day after day.

Why do we stay in such an unloving relationship with someone who clearly has it out for us? Why is the fact that these human anomalies are abusive not enough to make us leave? I needed to know why. What on earth was it going to take? What reason would be good enough? Uh, nope, not that one...could you throw me another...nope, not that one.

For me, I knew that if I was going to stay, the least I could do for myself is detach (a.k.a. mentally break free) in preparation for an ending that I knew would come eventually. I had to come up with reasons for leaving that would be impossible to argue with...reasons that stood all on their own whether I liked them or not...reasons that made so much sense in the Universe that I would have no choice but to relinquish my grip on the sorrow of the relationship and let it all go.

Well, I did come up with some reasons and I call these reasons my undeniable truths. It was during that time that my perspective on day to day life with the N began to change.....my behaviors began to shift and the weight began to lift. Maybe I grew up or just woke up – I'm not sure. But it was all about finally deciding what is truly worthy of love in this lifetime – and it wasn't him. Now I would like you to try and make the same determination.

It's very possible that, when all is said and done, your undeniable truths will be very different from mine – and that's fine. Just be sure you know what they are. You may even call them something else and that's fine too. To me, an undeniable truth could be several things: 1) a quality a person should have, or 2) a quality they are incapable of having, or 3) a quality they should have but choose not to have, or 4) a quality I want or don't want in any person that I love and who loves me.

Once you decide what's really important to you in this life (and, face it, we have to decide sometime), to deliberately stay with someone who is incapable of having any of these qualities and who, at some point, has probably even chosen not to have them is unacceptable. These truths, when you finally decide what they are, will prove themselves to be undeniable and you will have no choice but to start moving in the right direction.

Nothing happens overnight so time is truly not an issue. This is why I say that you can begin right now, today, tonight, even if the N is in the next room. Once the Universe knows your intention, your life will begin to change for the better and you will notice the difference. You will begin to feel shifts in your behavior that will bring you great relief. Suddenly you won't obsess or cry at the drop of a hat or really be concerned that his call didn't come. You'll go to bed early or read a book or write a book or take a bubble bath or have a glass of wine or whatever you feel like doing. You'll suddenly be too tired to partake in a desperation ritual. Suddenly everything that you do and everything that you feel won't be about the N. It seemed strange to me at first because in many ways I had grown attached to my anxiety and it to me. Nonetheless, though, when my ex discarded me for the final time, I never shed a tear. The sadness was very different and I could tell immediately. I waited every day for the break down but it didn't come. I started to feel like hopeful about salvaging something wonderful out of the next half of my life after all. Maybe I could actually create memories for my son that didn't include his mother's broken heart.

Okay, with that said, my undeniable truths are about cooperation and compromise and, for lack of a way to explain it better, I'd like to include two brief excerpts from When Love Is a Lie to explain how I figured it out:

"I came up with these truths by asking myself a couple of very important questions – questions I should have asked myself many, many years ago: What do I consider to be love worthy qualities in a person? In other words, what are the qualities – going forward - that I am going to consider, in fact, to be deal breakers.....the qualities that will determine who's company I keep in the next chapter of my life? And, of course, we're talking about that kind of company at least for the moment.

The qualities, for me, that from now on will be my undeniable truths (my deal breakers to top all deal breakers) are a person's ability to cooperate and compromise so that everybody around him or her has a chance to be happy and this is why: I feel that "cooperation" is right up there next to love and money when it comes to what actually makes the world go 'round." In that book, in order to paint a clearer picture of the type of cooperation I'm talking about, I ask readers to think of a huge, busy 4-way traffic light stop (every town has one) and to imagine themselves in one of those cars at that intersection. From that viewpoint, take a real good look at all the action going on around you. How does all that really work and, more amazingly, why does it all work? How does the person crossing at the crosswalk really know that the person in the car sitting at that light won't step on the gas? How do the cars in the turn lane really know that, even though they have the right of way, the first car in the oncoming lane won't gun it to try and beat the red light? How do the sounds of a fire truck or ambulance coming from somewhere cause all the cars in all the lanes - no matter what color the lights are, all at once and with no real confusion - to either sit still or move over to make way for the responders? Is it me or is that not frigging amazing? The truth is, we have no way of knowing what people around us – complete strangers \- are going to do. Imagine if nobody did what they were supposed to do at that intersection. Imagine if everyone, walking or driving, just said fuck it and moved on into the intersection with no regard whatsoever for the people and cars around them? During every second of our lives, there is a possibility of that happening. Why doesn't it? Call me dramatic if you like, but that intersection is but a small piece of the big picture and we, for the most part, we take it all for granted. Here's what makes it all work: cooperation and compromise.

"Cooperation and compromise are what marriages are made of...and families and businesses and countries and governments. Some situations, without a doubt, work better than others and some might not even work at all...but the point is that, without cooperation and compromise, there isn't a chance in hell that we'd all survive another minute without killing ourselves or each other."

What's really happening at that light – whether anyone knows it or not – is that everybody has each other's back. Somewhere along the line, a "normal" person learns to understand that, strangers or not, we have to place a certain amount of trust in strangers if we want to make it through our day. And we do it without even thinking. Sure, it doesn't work all of the time...but, for the most part, it does. That blows my mind.

So, when I can go about my day trusting a world full of strangers without giving it a second thought yet I have to worry minute to minute that the person I love, the person that I am committed to, will at any given moment, stab me in the back, lie to me, cheat on me, not be there to protect me or back me up.....that's a bunch of bullshit and I can't do it anymore.

You've got to start looking at the big picture. What do you really want and how do you really want to feel in this life (and, by the way, it's the only life you've got)? Below, I give a quick synopsis of my decisions and then, in the space that follows, I want you to commit to a few of your own. Trying to get a handle on the things in life about which you'll now refuse to "settle" is the reasoning behind this workbook and will ultimately be the foundation for your recovery.

1. Going forward, I have decided that I won't put myself in another relationship with a disordered personality that could care less about making those around him comfortable and happy. Narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths could care less about cooperation, compromise, or having anybody's back.

2. Going forward, I've decided that I don't want to spend one more minute of my life – especially when I'm in a relationship - feeling alone in times of crisis or feeling as if I can't call my significant other (whether we happen to be fighting or not) to rescue me from an uncomfortable situation. I can say with all confidence that I had my boyfriend's back countless times throughout the years and not once – I'll repeat that...not once – did he ever have mine.

3. The qualities, for me, that from now on will be my undeniable truths (my deal breakers to top all deal breakers) are a person's ability and willingness to cooperate and compromise in this life.

Going forward, I have decided that I won't put myself in another relationship with: [your answer]

Going forward, I've decided that I won't spend one more minute of my life – especially when I'm in a relationship – feeling: [your answer]

The qualities, for me, that from now on will be my undeniable truths (my deal breakers to top all deal breakers) are: [your answer]

It's going to take a bit of practice to really see the world through an unobstructed set of glasses. Because you've been conditioned throughout your relationship to accept so much less than what you deserve, you've developed a complicated codependency that is based on expectations that never come. This codependency deliberately keeps you separated from the present moment where the undeniable truths do the best work. It keeps you looking backwards (to the past) or forwards (to an uncertain future). You're either worried about what happened yesterday or what could possibly happen tomorrow – and it's never good. And, make no mistake, this is exactly how the narcissist intends for you to feel...co-dependently uncertain about everything. Let's see what we can do about that.

[Exercise 3c:
Kicking the Codependency to Hope](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

Why do we develop such a twisted codependency to the narcissistic nonsense? Well, there are obviously a quite a number of reasons it could happen with many of those reasons being those only a trained psychologist could explain. Since I'm nothing of the sort, I won't be defining or explaining codependency in a psychological context but rather by what I feel to be true based on my own experience, my keen observations, and my coming to terms with this whole damn thing. That said, let that be my disclaimer (and now we can continue).

Personally, I feel – and have come to believe – that the agonizing codependency that we develop when we love a narcissist is really more a codependency to hope than it is a codependency to anything else. By this, I mean that we become codependent to hoping the relationship will get better or that the narcissist can be fixed or that, realizing the error of his ways, he'll change on his own. All three possibilities, as we know now, are absolutely impossible – but we never seem to stop hoping. In the process of developing this codependency to hope, we inadvertently become the narcissist's enabler, enabling him to treat us in very disrespectful and demoralizing ways. It's horrible, it really is. And the entire time that it's happening to us, the narcissist is gleefully watching his plan take shape right before his very eyes.

Our development of (again, what I call) a codependency to hope is yet another intended and desired result of the narcissist's pathological relationship agenda. It begins with the **passive-aggressive conditioning** put upon us by the narcissist/psychopath - conditioning that is fully intended to make us feel desperate and insecure within the relationship. Since desperation and insecurity are two of the biggest catalysts for any type of codependency, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to make the connection. Starting with the idealization phase very early on, the narcissist uses tactics deliberately passive-aggressive and deceptive in nature to whip us into shape. In essence, he streamlines the path of our codependency. Granted, we allow it to happen but the bottom line is that we are deceived from the get-go. It doesn't matter how smart, how pretty, how educated, or how intuitive we believe ourselves to be, deception is deception and narcissists deceive us into falling in love. This doesn't make it okay or erase our accountability for becoming codependent; it just makes it what it is. Narcissists are masters at what they do to "the unsuspecting" or they wouldn't be narcissists.

**Our codependency to hope and to the narcissistic game** of cat and mouse builds gradually - just as the narcissist intends. The more gradual the build, the less likely we are to notice it's even happening until we are smack dab in the middle of the shit! At that point, we feel nearly powerless to pull out because there's always more to _do,_ to _find out_ , to investigate, and, above all else, more bullshit to put up with. The narcissist keeps us so deliberately busy molding and shaping our own codependency that anything that takes any amount of time to do (like, for example, thinking) in all practicality doesn't get done. Again, this doesn't excuse our accountability...I'm just stating the facts. Instead of planning our escape, we spend our time hoping that this time it will be different...that this time we can _love_ the narcissist out of his bad behavior and this time it will work. But we never can and it never will.

The victim of **narcissistic abuse** spends a good deal of her waking life in a relationship with a person who neglects her and will, in a moment's notice, abandon her. She is forever trying to figure out "the secrets" - of which there are many (although he will state otherwise) - and this can take hour after consuming hour as the desperation mounts. Keeping the codependency alive and strong in his victim/partner is very much a requirement of the **narcissist's pathological agenda**. The victim, in much the same way, actually becomes addicted to the agenda as well but receives far less pleasure than the narcissist or psychopath who literally thrives off of his partner's suffering.

**Certainly, to be codependent in a relationship** without the other partner having a personality disorder is hard enough. When narcissism becomes part of the equation, it is inevitable that life will take a very dark turn. Codependents have a high tolerance thresh hold for pain and will dutifully accept themselves as being damaged in order to "fix" another person. Typically neglectful of their own **personal boundaries** , codependents will willfully allow the manipulative partner to breach these boundaries over and over in the cruelest of ways. With a narcissistic partner, they will tolerate behavior they wouldn't have even considered tolerating prior to this relationship.

With the narcissist's claim to fame always being his fondness for crossing the most private, off-limits, button-pushing, pain-inducing boundaries possible, understand that the main difference between a person who will tolerate narcissistic manipulation and a person who won't is a willingness to set boundaries. _In fact, setting personal boundaries (and then protecting them) is pretty much the_ **only** _protection against narcissism_ _for anyone_. A codependent is typically skittish about setting boundaries of any kind as this would indicate a willingness and an ability to assume control over their own lives (and who has time for that with all this hoping going on?).

Breaking this type of codependency is difficult because we associate the desperation that we feel with our love for the perpetrator. This causes mental confusion and an anxious willingness to hang in there.... to _try it one more time_ because _maybe he'll change_. Our life becomes about waiting for the narcissist's next move, hating the drama when we're in it and missing it when it's gone, and hoping, hoping, and more hoping. Then, before we know it, years have passed yet everything is exactly the same as it has always been.

In my opinion, this particular codependency (by my definition) is the saddest and most bittersweet of all the co-dependencies because it is based on two very positive human feelings/emotions: love and hope. And how we can't beat ourselves up for loving and hoping? With the more common types of co-dependencies, we can give up the drugs, the booze, the food, the sex, and even the man and our chances of surviving happily are still good. But how do we commit ourselves to giving up hope? How do we convince ourselves that, just this time (but not the next?), we need to give up on someone we love...give up on all hope...give up without ever looking back in order to be happy? For however long we've been entangled, we've counted on this hope to get us through. How did our hope for a happy ending turn into a codependency that can never end happily? How are we not supposed to feel....deep down in our broken heart... that, maybe in some small way, hope failed us?

Below are a few of the signs and symptoms of the codependency you may feel to the narcissist in your life. Relative to codependency, these "symptoms" may sound rather basic but the truth is that, when the controlling partner is a narcissist or anybody with a knack for passive-aggression, the codependency is compounded. Remember that passive-aggression, by its very nature, is often unspoken. You just know what you're supposed to be doing (although a narcissist will gas-light this feeling...Baby, I don't know what you mean. Did you ever hear me say that? It's all in your mind. Stop acting crazy. It's freaking me out. ). As a result, you go day to day hoping you're wrong. Hope, hope, and more hope....

For this exercise, I share a few of my own scenarios related to the codependent "behavior". Let's see if I hit the nail on the head. Think about each one carefully and then, in the space that follows, share a story or just simply talk about how your situation...the way that you feel or have felt....relates or reminds you of your situation. We need to paint a clear picture for ourselves of our level of attachment before we can fully break it once and for all.

1. In a codependent relationship, you will oftentimes find yourself waiting around to do something with the narcissist. You become hesitant to make plans without him and may stop making plans altogether unless they include him. Consequently, you may find yourself often sitting around doing nothing because God knows the narcissist doesn't put you at the top of his list of activity partners. Basically, you allow your social life with anybody other than the narcissist to deliberately become non-existent.

This happened to me all the time. It often seemed that my entire schedule was based on what he was or wasn't doing – and typically both of those things did not include me. I would cancel plans with friends or pass on the invitation or simply procrastinate long enough to where it became basically too late for me to show up. Invariably, I would end up sitting at home waiting for a phone call or for him to maybe pop in but that was still better than any repercussions I might receive for not being around when he called or came by.

How about you? Did you find yourself revolving around his schedule and temperament? [your answer]

2. In conjunction with #1, you, as a codependent, will often find yourself doing things or not doing things based on a narcissist's subtly and passive-aggressively enforced ultimatums. There may be certain friends and even completely innocent activities that you enjoy of which he disapproves. If you continue those friendships or even consider participating, he may threaten you with an activity of his own that is presented as a manipulative threat or ultimatum. To avoid the emotional consequences, the codependent eventually finds it easier just to avoid doing anything of those things. When that happens, of course, the pathological relationship agenda is going according to schedule.

My ex would make comments under his breath every time a certain girlfriend called. He'd also become either completely silent if he thought I was going somewhere or he'd threaten me with a "read between the lines" scenario that would put a knot in my stomach. He'd smirk and say, "Sure, you do what you want. Really, I don't care. Well, I gotta get going...uh, you can try to call me later...". I knew then that if I did go out and try to call later, he wouldn't answer, thus elevating my fears that he was with someone else. And, as punishment for even considering the event, I also knew that he was probably going silent on me anyway. Either way, I was fucked. Eventually, I went nowhere and did nothing and even disconnected the home phone while he was over so my girlfriends wouldn't call me.

How was your situation? How often were your own plans thwarted due to your partner's direct or indirect threat toward the relationship? How did that make you feel and did it change things for you? [your answer]

3. Codependency to a narcissist has no breaks. In other words, there aren't going to be moments where you will ever feel free. To cover his own ass, the N has to make sure he keeps you in a heightened state of anxiety 24/7. For you, this means feeling anxious even during non-threatening, mandatory events such as work, school, dinner at your parent's, etc. Wherever you go, you are subjected to his shenanigans by phone, by text, and maybe even by pop-in (if it's possible). However it's done, it's done with the intention of making you feel that you can't 1) smile let alone enjoy yourself, 2) concentrate on any part of the event, 3) think of anything else except what he might be doing or who he's doing it with, 4) wait to leave early, feign sickness, cancel the dinner, or sneak out of class to you can drive to where he's at, and 5) forget who's in control, bitch!

When you could get away or when you had to get away to do even the most ordinary of tasks, were you able to keep it separated or were there times during your relationship that you remember being completely consumed by his passive-aggressive behavior? [your answer]

I believe that everything we do in this relationship is based on the hope that have that it will all change and that we are wrong after all. The behaviors of a narcissist, again, are so unfathomable that it's hard to believe that he really did that. Our hope is all we have and, based on this codependency, we either keep going back or we allow him to return again and again. But you know and I know that narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths can never be fixed – not with love, not with therapy, and not with any pill under the sun. No matter who we are, no matter what we do, no matter how much love we have, no matter how hard we hope, hope, hope.....nothing will ever make a difference in how this person behaves. That part is completely out of our hands. What we do with our own lives...the choice to let ourselves be treated this way...is up to us. In that, we have complete control.
[Exercise 3d:
Creating Deal-Breakers](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

I said it before and I'll say it again, don't – under any circumstances \- settle for crumbs in your life anymore. We can't continue to forfeit boundaries and deal-breakers that, in the end, would have saved our lives, saved us from the suffering and anxiety, saved us from ourselves and from that false, false love that we now have to recover from. Life is so very short and every moment far too precious to waste on loving a toxic, unfixable person. If narcissists are perfectly happy living their lives in disguise on the pretense of a lie, then let them be so they can do just that. Going forward, we simply can't afford to let ourselves falter on boundary protection.

Now, although they may appear similar, deal-breakers and boundaries are not one in the same. Whereas personal boundaries are basically unspoken and represent something about ourselves that we need to protect, a deal-breaker is something about someone else that we'd prefer to protect ourselves from. Deal-breakers, too, represent how we feel about things and may even represent a belief system but, overall, our creation of deal-breakers is based on our opinion only and more or less tells the world what we might be willing to or absolutely won't accept in the next person we sleep with, date, marry, or what have you.

Deal-breakers, if you create them appropriately, will help you weed out the boundary crossers in one fell swoop. Keep in mind that even if a quality, habit, or characteristic about someone doesn't exactly float your boat, it's not necessarily a deal-breaker unless you say it is. And what may be a deal-breaker for you might actually be a turn-on for someone else. And just because a person has too many deal-breakers for your likening doesn't necessarily mean he or she is a bad person, it just means that the two of you may be better off as friends.

I think it's really important that, as part of the recovery plan, we get absolutely "right" with our boundaries and deal-breakers. It's our only protection against the narcissist who's an avid and enthusiastic boundary crosser. A boundary, of course, goes much deeper emotionally that a deal-breaker because when our boundaries are breached, it's a very personal violation. To discover another deal-breaker in someone simply means you have a choice to make whether to stop associating with this person or whether to continue and compromise based on all the qualities that you do like about that person. You have to decide whether the good qualities are good enough to override the deal-breakers? Sometimes they are and sometimes they are not. Pay really close attention to the deal-breakers you set because they offer a world of insight and go a long way towards helping us weed out potential boundary crossers.

From now on, I refuse to continue to keep company with anyone who.....

1. ..doesn't have my "back" all of the time – meaning in my defense, in times of crisis, and even when we are angry with each other for something unrelated

2. ...behaves in a way that makes me feel even the slightest bit compelled to "investigative" or fact-check

3....subjects me to silent treatment for even five minutes (never mind five weeks!)

4...has difficulty assuming responsibility for even the simplest things

5...attempts to turn others (my friends, family, etc.) against me when it suits his purpose

6. ...treats me one way in bed and another way with his clothes on

7...is a continual promise-breaker

8...is disrespectful of my job, my property, and my personal possessions

9...goes for any length of time without a phone or changes his cell phone number for any reason whatsoever

10...cheats on me even one time

11...doesn't say what they mean and mean what they say

12...makes me doubt or question, even for one second, my memory of an event or my intuition of the truth

The list, of course, could go on and on. When I was writing the chapter on deal-breakers for When Love Is a Lie, I remember having great difficulty weeding down my initial list of 100 to the forty or so that finally made it to the book. It's amazing how looking back in retrospect can bring such clarity. How was it that I had no problem creating, just a few months after the break-up, a list of well over one-hundred deal-breakers yet for thirteen-years I never held the narcissist to a single one?

How about you? Going forward, what are some of the deal-breakers that you can use to weed out the boundary crossers? What's important to you in a person? Think of your undeniable truths and the boundaries that you created in the earlier exercises and make a nice long list! [your answer]

Transform your codependency to hope into something wonderful by allowing yourself to mentally break free from the grip of the narcissist. From this moment going forward, your life is going to change.
[Some Final Thoughts:
No Contact & Being Single](tmp_619c1de65a958b5821346bdafa325f79_SmbKr_.ch.fixed.fc.tidied.stylehacked.xfixed_split_002.html#TOC)

When Love Is a Lie ended with some final thoughts about No Contact and I find it appropriate to do the same here as well. Although I know its hard now, once you've started working on your recovery, you will find no contact easier and easier to maintain. This is why I stress the importance of working on your recovery – whether it's by using this workbook or some other method – even if you are still in the relationship. There's no time like now to start getting stronger!

If you are at the point of no contact, then be clear about what it means for you. Playing by the No Contact Rules means just that and there are many wonderful, fun ways to enforce it: blocking his number and his email, not answering the door, banning yourself from Facebook, no text-messages or letter-sending, no drive-bys in the middle of the night, maybe changing your number, moving if you have to, or changing jobs if he's a co-worker, avoiding shared social circles, and so forth and so on. NC, of course, gets better and easier with time but you don't have to sit around and wait for that to happen. You can feel better now – even if you are still with that guy.

Be aware of your own behaviors. Sometimes when we go no contact, we are actually still playing the game via reverse silent treatment in hopes of luring him back. If this is the case, he will recognize your intentions and continue to play right along, making your life an endless hell of seduce-and-discard with each discard being more painful than the one before. If you stay present with your feelings, you will view your own intentions with clarity and be able to change them if you have to.

And, don't forget, as I said in When Love Is a Lie, breaking no contact is not the end of the world, it's only the end of no contact. Get up, dust yourself off, and start it again. In many ways, our codependency to hope is an addiction just like any other....it's a compulsive way to self-medicate. The biggest difference is that when we do self-medicate, it doesn't even feel good. It's hardly worth all the trouble we put ourselves through.

If you're not ready to go NC, then fall back on Silence Appreciation and use to its full advantage for as long as it lasts. Use it to breath, to write in a journal, to write a book, to start getting angry, to do all those things you can't do when he's manipulating the situation – and your life \- to suit his own purpose. Your recovery will make you feel the whole spectrum of human emotions...but you must do it. And I know you can.

....and on being single

Now, when I was younger, I truly believed that the best way to get over an ex was to find someone new right away and that's what I would do. And while, for many, many years, this method of relationship rehab actually worked, I know now that it only worked because the relationships that had just ended were, for all intents and purposes, normal relationships and therefore the pain was truly temporary and passed quickly as soon as I found someone I liked. During those times, I still remember missing that other person and feeling hurt by the break-up, but it was different. When a relationship break-up is "normal", life simply moves forward without a whole lot of effort. This is the way it's supposed to be whether you find someone else or not. You're not supposed to shrivel up and die because a relationship ends or some asshole walks away.

Now, that being said, when your partner in the ended relationship was a narcissist, the residual damage is much, much different as are the psychological tools that could possibly help us to recover. I certainly can't speak for everyone here - and it's possible I'm speaking for no one - but allow me to use myself as an example to explain why I honestly feel that jumping in the sack with the next best thing when you're trying to get over the narcissist is not really a great idea.

You see, just because the ex-narcissist/psychopath has already hooked his next victim doesn't mean that we have to jump on the same band wagon. The N/P does it because that's what he does and will always do. You need to think rationally when it comes to this part or else you'll find yourself back in the same sinking boat you just jumped out of. I, for one, didn't think rationally about this at all many times during periods that the narcissist and I were apart and I don't feel very proud of the memory.

Over those twelve years, there were certain splits initiated by the N during which sitting around and crying was not my first order of business. In fact, it never took long before some attractive, funny guy would step in to temporarily fill the void, providing me with a distraction that certainly should have lasted longer than twenty-four to forty-eight hours. But it never did although I'd always hope going in that it would (and there's that hope thing again). Nope, I never gave any of those guys a chance – not a single one of them – even while presenting myself as a very enthusiastic date. Inevitably, something this new person would do – some benign behavior - would inevitably make me suddenly and desperately miss the N. It was never a rational moment but when it occurred, I was done. Suddenly, I went from being a nice girl to a girl not much different than the N. I would - as shameful as it is - simply disappear. Without warning, I'd stop answering the phone or returning texts and this poor new guy – whoever it happened to be - would invariably get slightly panicked for a week or two and then, eventually, much to my relief, he would just fade away. In the back of my mind, having him fade away on those terms meant less of a chance that he'd resurface after the N and I got back together. And, after all, that was my conditioned intention all alone, of course – to get back together with the N - and we always did.

I wish I could say that each of the guys that I behaved this way with were jerks or inappropriate people in some way but I have to be honest and say that I remember very clearly that none of them were. I, on the other hand, acted like a jerk – just as if I were the N himself. And for that, I'm not very happy.

In retrospect, I'm smart enough to know that if I had waited a good period of time....time enough to think about the whole damn thing...time enough to have worked through the parts of the process with, say, a workbook of this nature...I might have given a one of those decent guys a fighting chance. Or, better yet, I would have avoided the whole hurtful situation and simply stayed single so I could get my shit together.

By jumping right into a situation where any little flaw...any little uncomfortable moment...made me suddenly miss the passive-aggressive dysfunction and abuse of my previous relationship, I was just priming myself to get back with the N as soon as he was ready. The fact that we even miss the narcissist at all has everything to do with how low they manage down our relationship expectations. We become convinced - in the back of our damaged minds - that we miss the measly crumbs of attention....that we want those measly crumbs. Because I wasn't ready emotionally, I was willing to kick a nice guy to the curb in order to get those crumbs back in my life! Staying present in the moment and working through the pain before I even entertained the thought of seeing another man would have avoided all of that.

Be good to yourself and be mindful of the present moment. Understand that any time spent with a narcissist is time wasted and none of us have time to waste. Watch for the signs, the red flags, and learn from the mistakes of others. Make the steps of your recovery a big part of every day. Separate from the sadness one day at a time. Fight the urge to succumb to the hovering and commit yourself to no contact at all costs. Memorize the boundaries and deal-breakers you've created in this workbook and guard them with your life. They are your only protection from someone who has a narcissistic personality. Don't dwell on the history of your relationship because it was a history based on a lie and you deserve better. Make a new history with a person who is worthy of your attention. Make your undeniable truths the foundation for what you believe and know in your heart to be true from this moment forward.

Return to this workbook whenever you need to and redo the exercises. You are also always welcome to contact me via my website (thenarcissisticpersonality.com) and let me know your story as well as the progress of your recovery. It's a learning experience for everyone - including myself – and I welcome the opportunity to hear from you.

Go forward, find your happiness, and have the beautiful life that you so deserve.

#####

#  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Zari Ballard is a home-based Freelance Writer/Author (and single mom!) who resides in sunny Tucson, Arizona at the base of the beautiful Catalina Mountains. In 2005, four years after her son's diagnosis with child-onset schizophrenia, Zari set aside the corporate rat race in lieu of a home-based career as a Freelance Writer. A leap of faith that could have gone either way, the choice was meant-to-be and she has never looked back.

Now, along with providing ghostwriting services to a handful of long-time clients, Zari plans to dive head first into self-publishing for 2014. Readers will soon enjoy two new additions to Zari's self-published book set (alongside When Love Is a Lie & Stop Spinning, Start Breathing) - a memoir about her son's life as well as a fictional novel about the end times. Be sure and stay tuned!

P.S. Zari's been narcissist-free since 10/2012 and plans to keep it that way....:)

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaBook