text:
Airbnb delays IPO and makes leadership changes
The home rental company announces a departing CFO, and new COO and no plans for an IPO this year
Airbnb has announced that an IPO will not be happening this year, and the company's CFO and former Wall Street executive Laurence Tosi is stepping down from his position. In the end, Tosi and Airbnb founder Brian Chesky simply wanted different things.
Tosi was previously CFO at Blackstone Group before joining Airbnb in 2015. The Wall Street executive didn't fit Airbnb's progressive "world-changing" culture, according to information gathered by Bloomberg reporters; he was more focused on cost cutting and looking for businesses that could increase company revenue.
Chesky thanked Tosi in a press statement for what he had achieved in his two and a half years at the company:
"He helped Airbnb establish a rigorous financial discipline, aided our expansion into new businesses including into luxury rentals, which is now one of our core businesses and helped us develop new and innovative ways to grow Airbnb and our businesses," he said.
"Today, the company is one of the world's fastest growing at our scale and is profitable, as measured by EBITDA, and cash flow positive with a $5.5 billion balance sheet, and we continue to see material growth momentum in markets around the world. I want to personally thank LT [Laurence Tosi] for his leadership, creativity and lasting contributions to Airbnb."
Meanwhile, fintech markets were no doubt disappointed to hear that the founder and CEO was not planning an IPO in 2018 as hoped. The 2008 startup is now said to be valued at $31 billion.
"We are not going public in 2018," Chemsky said. "Our primary focus is becoming a 21st-century company and advancing our mission. We're working on getting ready to go public, and we will make decisions about going public on our own timetable."
The company is searching for a CFO to replace Tosi, who according to the company, is planning to spend more time with his personal investment fund, Weston Capital Partners.
Chesky also announced that chief of business affairs and legal officer Belinda Johnson has been promoted to chief operating officer — a position Tosi was rumored to have had his eye on as he wanted more control at Airbnb, according to reports from Bloomberg.
"As our COO, Belinda will be responsible for the systems and teams that enable our businesses to function, as well as our legal, policy and communications teams," Chesky said in a company announcement. "Belinda will also be a partner to me. Belinda and I often approach things differently, and this is one of the reasons we've worked so well together over the years. I learn from her every day, and I'm a better leader because she is my partner," Chesky said.
Email Gill South
Article image credited to Daniel Krason / Shutterstock
To whom it may concern, We are tenants with ZillaState and have been for almost a year now. We had the privilege of working with Kyle. Kyle got us squared away and moved in with no trouble. His efficiency is unmatched. A couple months with ZillaState and we got to meet Shayna and start working with her. Shayna in incredible. She has been on point and takes care of things immediately. Working with ZillaState has been a relief and I would recommend them to anyone dealing with real estate.


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Q: How to set up equations in python I have a list with coefficients which define a system of equations I would like to solve. The first term in my list of coefficients is always 1 and the first variable in the solution is also assumed to be 1.
If
coeffs = [1,2,3,4]

then system of equations I would like to solve are the circular convolution of coeffs with the variables [1, x[3], x[2], x[1]]. In this way we get
1*1 + 2*x[3] + 3*x[2] + 4*x[1] = 0

1*x[3] + 2*x[2] + 3*x[1] + 4*1  = 0

1*x[2] + 2*x[1] + 3*1 + 4*x[3] = 0

1*x[1] + 2*1 + 3*x[3] + 4*x[2] = 0

Given coeffs, how can I set up this system of equations in numpy so I can solve for x? In practical cases coeffs will have length in the hundreds.

A: >>> import numpy as np
>>> coeffs = [1, 2, 3, 4]
>>> N = len(coeffs)
>>> a = np.tile(coeffs, (N, 1))
>>> a
array([[1, 2, 3, 4],
       [1, 2, 3, 4],
       [1, 2, 3, 4],
       [1, 2, 3, 4]])
>>> for i in xrange(1, N):
...     a[i] = np.roll(a[i], i)
...
>>> a
array([[1, 2, 3, 4],
       [4, 1, 2, 3],
       [3, 4, 1, 2],
       [2, 3, 4, 1]])
>>>

A: Extending the answer of simleo, you can generate it using numpy's speed (for larger data) instead of using a python loop:
>>> coeffs = [1, 2, 3, 4]
>>> N = len(coeffs)
# Create coeffs matrix
>>> coeffs = np.tile(coeffs, (N, 1))

# Create grid of indexes
>>> rows, column_indices = np.ogrid[:N, :N]
# Create shift vector (shift each row by its index)
>>> shift = np.arange(N)
# Create shifted column indexes for each row
>>> column_indices = column_indices - shift[:, np.newaxis]

# Reorder
>>> coeffs = coeffs[rows, column_indices]
>>> coeffs
array([[1, 2, 3, 4],
       [4, 1, 2, 3],
       [3, 4, 1, 2],
       [2, 3, 4, 1]])

Given coeffs = [1 2 3 4] = [a b c d] and considering your variables x = [1 x3 x2 x1] you can transform the problem in a form x3 * b + x2 * c + x1 *d = -a (for your first case):
>>> a = coeffs[:, 1:]
>>> b = -coeffs[:, 0]
>>> np.linalg.lstsq(a,b)[0]
array([-0.47058824,  0.01960784, -0.47058824])

A: >>> import numpy as np
>>> a = [1,20,300,4000]
>>> b = np.arr[a[n:]+a[:n] for n in range(4)]
>>> sol = np.linalg.solve(b[1:,1:],-b[1:,0])
>>> print "Using last N equations the solution is:", [1.0]+list(sol)
Using last N equations the solution is: [1.0, -0.11111111111111105, -0.11111111111111113, -1.2222222222222223]
>>> print "Substituting in first equation gives:", a[0]+sol.dot(a[1:]), "= 0"
Substituting in first equation gives: -4.44444444444 = 0
>>>

at this point your program can decide if the residual is too much or the solution is good enough.
If the solution is good enough, maybe you want to minimize the error using
>>> sol = numpy.linalg.lstsq(b[:,1:],-b[:,0])

note that the other element of the solution tuple give important insight into the nature of the least squares solution,
>>> print np.linspace.lstsq.__doc__

to know the whole story.
About efficiency, when you're going to solve a large system (NxN, almost...) of equations, you don't mind the 0.2s that you can shave with a pure numpy solution for building the coefficients matrix.

A: You can use the pseudoinverse matrix of A denoted as A+. A solution exist if and only if AA+b = b and all solutions are given by
x = A+b + (I - A+A)*u
import numpy as np

def solvep(coeffs, tol=1e-10):
    a = np.array([np.roll(coeffs, i) for i, _ in enumerate(coeffs)])
    A, b = a[:, 1:], -a[:, 0]
    x = np.linalg.pinv(A).dot(b)
    z = np.abs(A.dot(x) - b)
    if np.all(z < tol):
        return x
    else:
        print "There is no solution, max error = {}".format(z.max())
    return None

Example:
>>> solvep([1,2,3,4])
There is no solution, max error = 2.1568627451
>>> solvep([1,1,1])
array([-0.33333333, -0.33333333, -0.33333333])

A: Using numpy linalg.solve
example from http://docs.scipy.org/doc/numpy/reference/generated/numpy.linalg.solve.html
Solve the system of equations 3 * x0 + x1 = 9 and x0 + 2 * x1 = 8:

>>>
>>> a = np.array([[3,1], [1,2]])
>>> b = np.array([9,8])
>>> x = np.linalg.solve(a, b)
>>> x
array([ 2.,  3.])

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text:
Similarly, How has AI been used in business today?
Today's Artificial Intelligence and Business Self-driving vehicles and other autonomous technologies, the internet of things (IOT), medical diagnostics, robotic aid in manufacturing, contactless purchasing, job prospect screening, and so much more are all common AI application cases.
Also, it is asked, How do Machine Learning and AI help businesses?
How can Machine Learning and Artificial Intelligence (AI) help organizations make better use of their data? They swiftly curate data for a variety of business situations. They compile qualitative data content (like text and images). They enable technologies to function without the need of data.
Secondly, What is AI in business analytics?
Artificial intelligence enables a user to compete with other data sources by using their own data. Users will be able to put AI to the test by detecting new patterns and developing suggested actions based on those new trends.
Also, What is artificial & business intelligence?
Human-like computer intelligence is involved in artificial intelligence. Intelligent decision-making is a part of business intelligence. Focus. It covers statistical analysis concepts. It is concerned with deep learning and machine learning algorithms.
People also ask, How will artificial intelligence change the future in business?
Artificial intelligence enables company owners to provide their clients a more tailored experience. AI is much more efficient at analyzing large amounts of data. It can swiftly spot patterns in data, such as previous purchase history, preferences, credit ratings, and other similar threads.
1 How many businesses use AI?
2 What is artificial intelligence and how does it affect businesses?
3 What does business intelligence really mean to a business?
4 How AI and digital transformation will change your business forever?
5 How can artificial intelligence benefit our future?
6 What is the main purpose of artificial intelligence?
7 What are the main goals of AI?
8 Why are companies adopting AI?
9 How Fast Is AI improving?
10 How many small businesses use AI?
11 What are the impact of artificial intelligence in online business?
12 How can AI help an organization increase profits and reduce costs?
13 How does business intelligence helps in improving decision-making?
14 How is business intelligence used in marketing?
15 What type of AI is Siri?
16 Where is AI used the most?
17 How AI is used in digital marketing?
18 How could artificial intelligence change the way employees work?
19 How AI and automation is shaping the industry?
20 What are 3 sectors of business that use AI?
21 Which of the following are the 5 big ideas of AI?
How Do Business Loans Work?
How many businesses use AI?
AI is used by 37% of enterprises and organizations. Despite the fact that nine out of ten of the world's most successful companies have invested in AI technology, only around 15% of them use AI in their daily operations. By 2025, AI will have eliminated 85 million jobs while creating 97 million new ones.
What is artificial intelligence and how does it affect businesses?
Artificial intelligence in business simply refers to the use of a smart machine with human-like skills to boost revenue, enhance customer experience, boost profitability and proficiency, and drive corporate growth and transformation. Let's take a closer look at the essential function of AI in the corporate world.
What does business intelligence really mean to a business?
Business intelligence is the process by which businesses analyze current and historical data using methods and technology in order to improve strategic decision-making and gain a competitive edge.
How AI and digital transformation will change your business forever?
It has the potential to help businesses become more imaginative, agile, and adaptable than ever before. Artificial intelligence is one of the most important digital transformation drivers since it promises speed, convenience, and cost efficiency while simplifying complicated processes and systems.
How can artificial intelligence benefit our future?
In cybersecurity, AI and machine learning will be key technologies for detecting and anticipating attacks. Given its ability to handle enormous volumes of data in order to forecast and detect fraud, AI will be a critical tool for financial security.
What is the main purpose of artificial intelligence?
Machines may learn from their experiences, adapt to new inputs, and execute human-like jobs thanks to artificial intelligence (AI). Most AI examples you hear about today depend largely on deep learning and natural language processing, from chess-playing computers to self-driving automobiles.
What are the main goals of AI?
AI's main goal (also known as heuristic programming, machine intelligence, or the simulation of cognitive behavior) is to enable computers to perform cognitive tasks like decision-making, problem-solving, perception, understanding human communication (in any language, and translating between them), and the like.
How Difficult Is Business School?
Why are companies adopting AI?
By scanning data, automatically conducting transactions, and identifying concerns for additional inspection, AI may assist in automating such processes, allowing workers to concentrate on more value-added work.
How Fast Is AI improving?
In the near future, an outstanding 20 percent annual increase is expected.
How many small businesses use AI?
Today, just 23% of firms have integrated AI into their operations and product/service offerings (source). Only half of the biggest organizations (those with at least 100,000 workers) have an AI strategy (source).
What are the impact of artificial intelligence in online business?
The use of artificial intelligence (AI) will help to increase the efficiency of search, retrieval, and buying experiences. More than ever, online firms must embrace innovation and, at the very least, consider using AI to protect their profits, if not to preserve or gain a competitive edge.
How can AI help an organization increase profits and reduce costs?
Artificial Intelligence (AI) may help to improve processes and guarantee effective project management by automating and intelligently completing repetitive and time-consuming manual operations. It also saves money by removing repeated activities from the equation.
How does business intelligence helps in improving decision-making?
Business intelligence (BI) assists firms in making educated strategic choices by giving critical information about the company's present and past performance, as well as future trends, predicted needs, and consumer behavior, among other things.
How is business intelligence used in marketing?
Marketing using business intelligence tools Know who you're talking to. Marketing efforts will fail if a company does not know who its clients are. Look for patterns in consumer behavior. Determine how successful your marketing efforts are. Get a leg up on your competitors.
What type of AI is Siri?
Siri is an AI-based voice assistant that works on all Apple devices and is similar to Amazon Alexa and Google Assistant. Apple has been serving as a helpful assistant for almost a decade and has a lot more to show off.
Where is AI used the most?
Healthcare is one of the sectors that uses Artificial Intelligence the most. When it comes to the scope of AI application, this is one area that stands out. Education. Marketing. E-commerce and retail are two different types of businesses. Markets and services in the financial sector
How Diversity and Inclusion Drive Business Value?
How AI is used in digital marketing?
Four major AI breakthroughs stand out when it comes to enhancing the customer experience: chatbots, predictive and targeted content, content production, and picture recognition technology. Each of these may assist enhance customer care and support while also delivering more relevant and targeted information.
How could artificial intelligence change the way employees work?
As a result, people will be enhanced and routine chores will be eliminated. AI will automate an increasing number of activities. Many present work processes will be disrupted, supplemented, and improved. As a consequence, humans can concentrate more on the people inside the firm (your workers and customers), making it more compassionate.
How AI and automation is shaping the industry?
Business Efficiency is Boosted by Intelligent Automation More than half of the world's largest corporations, including JP Morgan, ANZ Bank, and Netflix, have used this technology, increasing their company productivity by 20% to 60%. Every sector may benefit from using IA.
What are 3 sectors of business that use AI?
AI applications have the potential to enhance not just corporate outcomes, but also the human experience in general Here are some of the most important AI applications that are causing big industry disruption. Healthcare. E-commerce and retail are two different types of businesses. Food Science and Technology. Financial Services and Banking
Which of the following are the 5 big ideas of AI?
Class is only offered once. Students will learn about the Five Big Ideas in AI (Perception, Representation & Reasoning, Learning, Human-AI Interaction, and Societal Impact) via talks and activities in this entertaining one-hour lecture.
Artificial intelligence has the ability to help businesses gain competitive advantage. It is becoming increasingly important for companies to invest in artificial intelligence.
The "impact of artificial intelligence on business pdf" is a document that provides information about how artificial intelligence can help your business.
how do machine learning and artificial intelligence technologies help businesses
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artificial intelligence benefits to society
How Business Development Manager Works?

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


Action Alert! Say No to Herbicides in Humboldt Bay Salt Marshes!
Tell the Coastal Conservancy you support Spartina eradication, but not the use of herbicide in Humboldt Bay and the Eel and Mad River estuaries. Ask them to adopt Alternative 1, Mechanical Methods Only, for the Spartina Eradication Programmatic EIR!
The California Coastal Conservancy's draft plan to eradicate the invasive cordgrass (Spartina densiflora) would allow spraying the aquatic herbicide "imazapyr" on Humboldt Bay salt marshes, despite the fact that non-chemical methods like mowing and weedwhacking are highly effective.
The incoming tides could spread the herbicide far and wide, potentially exposing rare native plants, eelgrass, fish, and shellfish.The current plan does not propose any protections for the risk of exposure to people eating fish or shellfish harvested near spray sites, merely stating that such exposure poses minimal risks. These risks should not be taken when there are safe, effective alternatives.
Tell the Coastal Conservancy to adopt Alternative 1, Mechanical Methods Only, for the Spartina Eradication Programmatic EIR!
Comments are due Tuesday, January 15th.
To download the Draft PEIR, click HERE.


text:
UAMS-ACH Clinical...
The growth of new clinical and research programs developed by physicians of the Department Dr. Watson Arnold, the first pediatric nephrologist in Arkansas, directed the first pediatric dialysis treatment in 1978. Under his leadership, followed by Dr. Eileen Ellis in 1990, the of Pediatrics with ACH support was broad and varied. The following describes some of these programs.
Dr. Watson Arnold, the first pediatric nephrologist in Arkansas, directed the first pediatric renal dialysis number treatment in 1978. Under his leadership, followed by Dr. Eileen Ellis in 1990, the number of dialysis treatments grew exponentially. From 1993 – 2018, 15,254 hemodialysis procedures were performed along with 13,057 peritoneal dialysis treatments. The first pediatric renal transplant at ACH occurred in 1987, and by 2018, 227 renal transplants had been performed at ACH.
Dr. Debra Fiser joined the department faculty in 1981 as the first pediatric intensive care specialist, and she opened the first real intensive care unit at ACH in 1981. Overseen by Dr. Robert Arrington, the first generation air transport occurred in 1983 with a fixed wing twin engine airplane. This aircraft was used primarily to transport preterm newborn infants, but it was also used to transport older children who were too unstable to transport on the ground. The first helicopter, named Angel One, began transport services in 1985. Under the leadership of a recently recruited intensivist, Dr. Michele Moss, this service continued to grow.
The first bone marrow transplant occurred at ACH in 1981 under the supervision of Dr. Russell Steele. The cardiology group under Dr. J.B. Norton's leadership continued to grow during these years. The first cardiovascular intensive care unit opened in 1983. The cardiologists cared for more than 250 heart surgeries that occurred that year. The ECMO (Extra Corporeal Mechanical Oxygenation) program was established in 1989 under the leadership of Dr. Bonnie Taylor of the neonatology group, and Dr. James Fasules, a cardiologist. Cardiology became the first section of the Department of Pediatrics to provide outpatient services in local communities, beginning in 1983 with clinics in Jonesboro and Fayetteville, and later expanding to Lake Village, Texarkana, Fort Smith, El Dorado, and Mountain Home.
The Emergency Department at ACH and the Emergency Medicine Section of the Department of Pediatrics group grew significantly during these years. The first 24-hour emergency "room" opened in the fall of 1981, was expanded in 1984, and expanded again in 1987 due to the rapid increase in patient visits. In Stephen Handley's history of ACH, Dr. Randall O'Donnell was quoted as saying that the original ER was designed for 5,000-6,000 visits per year, but by 1987 approximately 50,000 visits per year were expected to occur.
Dr. Jerry Jones initiated the program for children with suspected child abuse and neglect during the 1980s. He established protocols for evaluation in the emergency room and provided 24-hour coverage for inpatient evaluations seven days per week. He became an expert in providing court testimony and provided training to pediatric residents to provide testimony when subpoenaed to court. He established the Arkansas Children's Health Clinic for outpatient evaluations of children with suspected abuse and neglect.
The Neuroscience Unit was established at ACH in 1990 to treat children with brain tumors, seizure disorders, and other neurological problems, under the leadership of Dr. Stephen Bates, then the Chief of Pediatric Neurology in the DOP. In 1995 the ACH comprehensive neurology and epilepsy center opened to serve as a one-stop shopping clinic for all the needs of children with seizure disorders.
The Schmeiding Developmental Center and the Schmeiding Kids First Program opened in Springdale in 1991 with support from the Schmieding Foundation of Springdale. These programs were initially located in Springdale in a trailer, and after several moves were located in a free-standing building adjacent to the hospital in Springdale. This Developmental Center and Kids First Program provided services like their sister programs located in Little Rock.
Other clinical sections in the Department of Pediatrics thrived during these years, including the following: hematology/oncology under the leadership of Dr. Daisilee Berry; pulmonary medicine under the leadership of Dr. Robert Warren; genetics under multiple leaders; allergy/immunology under the leadership of Dr. Wesley Burks; adolescent medicine under the leadership of Dr. Susan Jay; infectious diseases under the leadership of Dr. Terry Yamauchi, followed by Dr. Richard Jacobs; endocrinology under the leadership of Dr. Jocelyn Elders and later Dr. Steven Kemp.


text:
Tag: Toronto Raptors
Let's talk about kids' piggy banks, Peter Warren and empty seats…the Winnipeg Jets D…Tiger's tell-all tome…a coverup in Tinseltown…dumb stuff at Sportsnet…St. Louis Blues visit the Trumps…and other things on my mind
Another Sunday smorgas-bored…and I understood some of what Don Cherry said on Saturday night, so I've made an appointment with my shrink…
Okay, kids, time to bust open the piggy banks and empty the coin jars.
And, hey, is it too soon to send an S.O.S. to Peter Warren, asking him to fire up the flatbed Ford and start tooting around town to prod senior citizens into turning over their pension cheques?
I know. Sounds crazy.
Bobby Hull and Peter Warren.
I mean, just because our hockey heroes recently performed in front of (unsold) empty seats for the first time (officially) since 2011, there's no cause to declare a state of emergency. The Winnipeg Jets aren't going anywhere anytime soon, so let's have no talk of Houston or Cleveland or San Diego or Ville de Quebec.
Still, for those of us who recall dire times and more than one Save The Jets campaign that really did include kids and piggy banks—and Warren turning his CJOB Action Line into a Jerry Lewis-style telethon—it feels like deja vu all over again.
We remember Warren's pleas from the lobby of the Marlborough Hotel in June 1974, and on downtown streets in May 1995. The legendary broadcaster who always got "right down to business" did more groveling than a dude whose wife found the wrong shade of lipstick on his collar.
It worked in '74. Not so much 21 years later.
Benny Hatskin
Benny Hatskin, noticing too many empty seats in the Winnipeg Arena and weary of writing cheques in red ink in 1974, turned his then-World Hockey Association franchise over—lock, stock and Bobby Hull's hairpiece—to civic leaders with all the right intentions, but only after the rabble had ponied up in excess of $600,000 in nickels, dimes and cashier's cheques not made of rubber.
One of the many who helped save the Jets that year was Margaret-Ann Farr, a 76-year-old who had earmarked $500 in savings for a trip to her homeland in Scotland. Instead, she gave it to the Jets, even though she had never seen them play. No, I can't tell you if Maggie eventually found her way home to the ol' sod, but I can tell you that your favorite hockey team was once owned by a dog, because one guy donated $25 on behalf of his pooch, Lady Jet.
And so it went.
The old barn on Maroons Road.
It was much the same in 1995—not enough customers in the old barn on Maroons Road, amped-up salaries ($13 million player payroll), lousy Canadian dollar and, most important, no one with deep pockets interested in frittering away what remained in their deep pockets. Again, they went hat in hand to the people and raised more than $13 million in a bid to preserve their National Hockey League outfit. Trouble was, they needed $32 million, thus the Jets swanned off to Arizona.
And now we're noticing reminders of the way it was.
The Jets were 561 people short of a sellout at the Little Hockey House On The Prairie last Tuesday with the Arizona Coyotes in town. Two nights later, they were 262 shy of a full barn for a visit from the New York Islanders. The Jets payroll is now $75 million, with gusts up to $83 million depending on Dustin Byfuglien's mood du jour, the dollar is about as strong as the Jets penalty-kill, True North is charging more for a beer and a hot dog than what a ticket cost back in the day, and some folks are taking out second mortgages to pay for their season packages.
The difference, of course, is in ownership.
David Thomson
This time around, the dude with the deepest pockets in the country, David Thomson, is part of the package, and you're never going to see him standing at the corner of Portage and Main asking little, old ladies to nix a trip to Scotland so he and Puck Pontiff Mark Chipman can keep Blake Wheeler and Rick Rat Scheifele in champagne and caviar.
A 4,000-person waiting list for season subscriptions suggests there's plenty of shelf life left in these Winnipeg Jets, but I'm guessing some of you would probably feel a lot better if you were hearing that from Chipman instead of me.
Bottom line: You can tell your kids to keep what's in their piggy banks. Once they've grown up, they can use it for college tuition or a mortgage on a nice house.
They just won't be able to afford Jets season tickets.
Both main columnists with the daily rags weighed in on the head counts at last week's Jets jousts, with Mad Mike McIntyre of the Drab Slab pointing to Good Ol' Hometown's "saturated" sports/shinny market as one possible reason for the non-sellouts. He added, "While there's no sign a divorce is on the horizon, it seems the (fan/team) relationship is a lot more complicated than it used to be." It isn't complicated at all. As Paul Friesen pointed out in the Winnipeg Sun, it's all about costs. The Jets, according to numerous folks who contacted Friesen, are pricing themselves out of their own market. As for a "saturated" market, what, they don't have sports entertainment options in Edmonton, Calgary and Vancouver? As if.
If you're wondering, the highest average head count for Jets 1.0 was 13,620 in 1985-96. That's only 1,144 customers fewer than last week with the Coyotes in town, and they weren't paying anyone $8.25 million per annum (hello, Blake Wheeler). In their final whirl at the old barn on Maroons Road, Jets 1.0 attracted an average of 11,316.
Tiger Woods has taken up the quill and will write a memoir to tell the "definitive story" of his life as a golf prodigy and icon. So we'll finally get the answer to that burning question: "When Elin found out about all the blonde cocktail waitresses and escorts that Tiger was shagging, did she attack him with a nine-iron or a pitching wedge?"
HarperCollins Publishers considered several titles for Tiger's tell-all tome before settling on Back, and it's believed these were among the rejected suggestions:
1) Birdies, Bogeys, Bunkers & Bimbos.
2) That's Not A Putter In My Pants…I'm Just Happy To See You.
3) T&A at the R&A (Tits & Ass at the Royal & Ancient).
4) Pin High & Horny.
5) Tiger Woods: My Pants Were Always Lower Than My Score.
News item: The NHL tells Valentin Zykov of the Vegas Golden Knights to get lost for 20 games because he either stuck a needle in his butt or swallowed a PED. Imagine that, a Russian using illegal drugs. Who would have thought?
I could be wrong, but it seems to me that young Ville Heinola has become the darling of the local media. The Finnish kid can do no wrong with news snoops, even when he's doing something wrong on the Jets blueline. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just saying.
The more I watch the NHL, with its limited fisticuffs and greatly reduced body belting, the more I think of former Jets centre Peter Sullivan. Today's game was made for the man we called Silky.
Stupid headline of the week No. 1, from Sportsnet: "Why the Maple Leafs need a statement game against struggling Wild." Oh, c'mon man. No one makes a statement game against the Minnesota Wild, the worst team in the NHL. Beating a team with a pulse, like the Boston Bruins, is a statement game.
Stupid headline of the week No. 2, from the Drab Slab: "Pionk steadies young D." Good grief, Charlie Brown. Two days earlier, the Jets surrendered seven—count 'em seven!—goals v. Sid and his Pittsburgh pals. Then they gave up a four-spot v. Arizona. Then three v. the Islanders. Fourteen goals in three games. That's steady like the back of a garbage truck is a salad bar. The accompanying Taylor Allen article was no better. It read like a puff piece hot off the True North propaganda printing press. Look, it's time the Drab Slab told the truth, which is this: Neal Pionk is a top pairing defenceman for one reason—everyone who can skate and chew gum at the same time left Dodge long ago, Josh Morrissey being the exception.
Oh, wait, now I'm really confused. Just four days after Allen's puff piece on Pionk and the "steady" blueline, along comes Mad Mike McIntyre to tell us this about the Jets: "The needs are many, with two major areas of concern—the blue-line and the penalty kill." I see. The steady defence actually sucks. Methinks the boys on the beat might want to exchange notes before hitting the send button.
Los Angeles Kings fans decided that Taylor Swift had a curse on their team, so a banner saluting the pop singer's record number of sellouts at Staples Center is now blotted out by a large black cloth at each game. It's the most talked-about coverup in Tinseltown since the O.J. Trial.
Stupid tweet of the week, from Kristina Rutherford of Sportsnet: "The NHL season is underway and MLB playoffs are happening and the #1 article on @sportsnet yesterday was about the @nwhl and pro women's hockey. So I guess all y'all that say 'nobody cares!' about women's hockey can go fly a kite." That smacks of Grade 5 schoolyard na, na, na, na, na-ism. Yes, it's juvenile. The placement of Rutherford's article at the top of the main page on the Sportsnet website means just one thing—they did something dumb again. You know, like on Saturday morning after a Major League Baseball playoff game, numerous NHL games including the Edmonton McDavids, two CFL games, Brooke Henderson firing a hole-in-one and leading an LPGA tournament, Sportsnet's main story was an exhibition basketball game. Like I said, dumb.
On the matter of Pontytail Puck, I wonder why it is that the National Women's Hockey League refuses to include attendance figures in its game summaries. I asked but didn't receive a reply. So I can only assume they're embarrassed by the modest head counts.
I also find myself wondering why no one in mainstream media is challenging the Professional Women's Hockey Players Association on their true mission, which is to put the NWHL out of business. They can talk all they like about building a better future for little girls, but I'll believe that fairy tale the day they actually sit down with NWHL commish Dani Rylan and look for ways to make the women's game work. As it is, the PWHPA refuses to engage in meaningful dialogue, instead serving up a sham called the Dream Gap Tour.
Interesting take from Cathal Kelly on the St. Louis Blues' visit to the Trump household last week. The Globe and Mail columnist had no problem with the Stanley Cup champions' Tour de Oval Office, and he managed to squeeze in a swipe at National Basketball Association stars. "NBA players often make a bit of a deal announcing they will not set one foot in the White House while Trump remains in office, always to great cheers," he wrote. "These are occasionally the same players who don't know anything about China, won't take questions about China and couldn't find China on a map, all while they are in China." Here's my question: Why would NBA players need to find China on a map when they're already in China?
Got a kick out of a couple tweets from Steve Simmons of Postmedia Tranna. Apparently, he's "still walking on air" after being elected to the media wing of the Canadian Football Hall of Fame, and he's "still walking on air" about the Tranna Jurassics hoops title. I know the air is thick in the Republic of Tranna, but unless Steve has dropped a few pounds since I last saw him, it ain't that thick.
And, finally, the Drab Slab devoted an entire page to curling in its Saturday edition. Nice. The three-part package included a sidebar from Taylor Allen on new mom Rachel Homan's balancing act of mother-curler. Good stuff.
Author pattidawnswanssonPosted on October 20, 2019 October 20, 2019 Categories SportsTags Arizona Coyotes, Blake Wheeler, Bobby Hull, Boston Bruins, Brooke Henderson, Canadian Football Hall of Fame, Cathal Kelly, Charlie Brown, China, CJOB, David Thomson, Don Cherry, Donald Trump, Dream Gap Tour, Dustin Byfuglien, Globe and Mail, HarperCollins Publishers, Josh Morrissey, Kristina Rutherford, Los Angeles Kings, LPGA, Major League Baseball, Mark Chipman, Mark Scheifele, Marlborough Hotel, Maroons Road, Mike McIntyre, Minnesota Wild, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League, National Women's Hockey League, Neal Pionk, New York Islanders, O.J. Simpson, Paul Friesen, Peter Sullivan, Peter Warren, Pittsburgh Penguins, Postmedia, Professional Women's Hockey Players Association, Rachel Homan, Save the Jets, Sidney Crosby, Sportsnet, St. Louis Blues, Stanley Cup, Staples Center, Steve Simmons, Taylor Allen, Taylor Swift, Tiger Woods, Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Raptors, Valentin Zykov, Vegas Golden Knights, Ville Heinola, White House, Winnipeg Arena, Winnipeg Free Press, Winnipeg Jets, Winnipeg Sun, women's hockey, World Hockey Association2 Comments on Let's talk about kids' piggy banks, Peter Warren and empty seats…the Winnipeg Jets D…Tiger's tell-all tome…a coverup in Tinseltown…dumb stuff at Sportsnet…St. Louis Blues visit the Trumps…and other things on my mind
Let's talk about the Winnipeg Jets and their Sideshow Bobs…someone told someone something about Big Buff…Buffpubry…a Big Blue hair ball…the life of Reilly…Andrew Harris and the MOP Award…little green men in Area 51…Ponytail Puck…and other things on my mind
Another Sunday smorgas-bored…and it's out with summer and in with autumn colors…
Coach PoMo and Sideshow Bob
Now playing for the Winnipeg Jets, Sideshow Bob and Bob and Bob and Bob.
Seriously, I was sooooo wrong about the Winnipeg HC training sessions.
I mean, this is what I scribbled last week: "There are a limited number of interesting storylines and, in the case of the Jets, they've already been exhausted. Big Buff's taken leave. Blake Wheeler had his say. Paul Maurice went zen master about his 'sparrows.' Patrik Laine and Kyle Connor are in RFA limbo. What's left to write and talk about?"
D'oh! Double d'oh! Triple d'oh!
But, hey, how was I to know Puck Finn would decide to skip stones across the Atlantic Ocean and one of them would whack Bryan Little in the privates? How was I to know Big Buff's retreat might have reached the point of no return and the club would put him on the suspended list? How was I to know that Puck Finn and Little would kiss and make up via text/phone, even though there really wasn't anything to kiss and make up about? How was I to know that Big Buff would search for the meaning of life in a pub?
Who's the producer of this drama, Jerry Bruckheimer? And who's writing Coach PoMo's material? Matt Groening?
It's become a cross between CSI: Jets and Big Buff Does Moe's Tavern.
Here's the deal, though: The Sideshow Bobs have turned this into the most interesting Jets camp. Ever. Tis a shame they have to interrupt all the shenanigans by playing meaningless games on the ice.
Big Buff and his buddies engaging in Buffpubry.
On the matter of Dustin Byfuglien and his navel gazing at the crossroads of life, we've had confirmed sightings of the will-he-or-won't-he rearguard in watering holes/eateries about town, and he's been hobnobbing and making nice with the rabble. One of the minions who observed Big Buff in his at-ease habitat swears on a stack of empties that No. 33 isn't ready for last call on his National Hockey League career, and his 260 pounds of girth will return to the Jets blueline as soon as they start playing for keeps. I don't know about you, but I can't think of a more reliable source than someone who heard someone say something to someone in a gin joint.
The folks at Merriam-Webster added 533 words and meanings to their dictionary this month. One of them is "Buffpubry." It means "to drink beer and schmooze during the deliberate avoidance of NHL training camp."
What's that you say? I shouldn't make light of Big Buff's play-or-quit quandary? I suppose you're right. Retirement is a serious bit of business. Plenty to ponder for a 34-year-old man who's already earned north of $50 million and has an additional $14 million on the table. If I was Buff, I know exactly what I'd do—go to a pub and drink about it.
The Toad In The Hole
You think I'm kidding? That's exactly what I did when it came time to fish or cut bait in 1999. I found the answer I was looking for while sitting in solitude one afternoon in the Toad In The Hole Pub & Eatery in Osborne Village. Left the rag trade shortly thereafter and, just shy of age 49, moved to Victoria, as poor as Second Hand Rosie with holes in her pocketbook. If anyone noticed my adios, they didn't give a damn. Big Buff won't be able to sneak away to count his millions so quietly.
Coach Grunge
So, here's what disturbed me after the Winnipeg Blue Bombers hacked up a hair ball the size of a mule's arse on Saturday afternoon in Montreal: Head coach Mike O'Shea suggested his large lads "maybe underestimated" the Alouettes. Excuse me? The boys in blue-and-gold linen believe they're so high and mighty that they looked at les Larks as pushovers? Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the dumbest of them all?
Coach Grunge was right about one thing, though: The Bombers gagging on a 24-point lead in a shocking 38-37 loss was "sickening." And I'm not sure a visit by the Hamilton Tabbies on Friday is the cure they're looking for.
Andrew Harris
Yes, now that you mention it, I detected an extra helping of oomph in Andrew Harris' giddyup v. les Larks. He certainly seemed to have a serious grouch on.
"Pissed off" is how Coach Grunge described his tainted tailback in advance of the skirmish at Percival Molson Stadium, and I suppose you and I would be wearing our grumpy pants too if squints in lab coats called us cheaters and told us to get lost for a few weeks.
So Harris returned to the fray with a chip the size of a totem pole on his shoulder pads and toted the pointy ball for 188 combined yards in Winnipeg FC's losing effort, and he did so, presumably, without the benefit of anything that will attract the attention of lab techs tasked with the chore of squinting into a microscope in search of squiggly, little nasties in his pee.
The thing is, we have yet to determine the full and final fallout from L'affaire Harris.
He committed the crime (a trace amount of an illegal somethingorother was discovered in his pee in July) and he's done the time (a two-game suspension), but the matter of the Canadian Football League's year-end trinkets and whether Harris is now considered a pigskin pariah is yet to be determined.
This is normally an interesting debate and, as the leading lugger of mail in Rouge Football, Harris certainly has the bona fides to warrant consideration for the Most Outstanding Player bauble. In fact, I'd say he was the leading candidate BBP (before bad pee) and was likely heading to a landslide victory at the polls.
That all changed when the lab rats confirmed the Bombers tailback was (officially) a drug cheat.
A-Roid
Sounds so cruddy, doesn't it? Drug cheat. Puts Harris in the same sinister sphere as Big Ben, A-Roid, Lance Armstrong and all the other needle jockeys. Difference is, a lot of people like me want to believe Harris when he swears there was something fishy in the supplement he took. It wasn't poison fruit; someone poisoned the fruit.
Alas, that's what they all say when caught with their hand in the juice jar, and I can't imagine all the boys and girls on the beat are buying his denial. Surely a number of them will consider his yardage total ill-gotten. Question is, how many?
News snoops in Good Ol' Hometown will be the first to pass judgment on Harris and, although we won't hear from them until late October, I'm guessing some have already discussed/debated the merits and optics of choosing a guy branded a drug cheat as the Bombers MOP and/or most outstanding Canadian.
I don't think it's a tough call, though.
Forget that it would be a horrible optic. Awarding the highest individual honor to a player forced to sit down midway through the season due to a drug rap is just wrong.
This isn't a moral dilemma about the ayes and nays of performance-boosting drugs. I think most people are guided by the same compass in that area, and they're straightforward against. Thus, it's a matter of belief. Do news snoops believe Harris' story about a contaminated supplement? If so, they can vote him MOP with a clear conscience. If not, to vote him MOP is to excuse, if not endorse, performance-enhancing drugs.
It's my understanding that Harris is a media favorite because he's accessible, obliging and delivers quality sound bites. But how much does likability come into play in MOP voting? And should favoritism forgive him his sin?
John Bowman and Andrew Harris
Harris tells Ed Tait of bluebombers.com to "look at the facts" in his illegal drug case. "It wasn't like they found a massive amount. I got tested earlier in the season and there was nothing and then 10 days later there's a small trace. I'll be tested for the rest of the season and there's not going to be anything. It was one game where I had this trace in my system and it was probably my worst game of the year, too." Harris repeated his "look at the facts" mantra to news snoops in Montreal after Larks D-lineman John Bowman called him a "cheater," but he seems to be missing the point, which is this: Lab squints found a no-no substance in his pee. That's the fact. It doesn't matter if it was a "small trace" or a "massive amount." Metandieonone was in there. It's a banned substance. He got caught. Henceforth, suspicion and doubt will dog Harris the remainder of his CFL days, and it won't be just John Bowman who's skeptical of his achievements. That, not the two-game suspension, is the real punishment.
Mike Reilly, down again.
How in the name of Jackie Parker and Kenny Ploen has Mike Reilly made it through this CFL crusade in once piece? Angry large lads with malice in mind have beaten the poor man like a rug during spring cleaning, but the B.C. signal-barker is the last of the original starting QBs still standing. He really is the toughest dude in Rouge Football.
That was quite the crowd the Argonauts attracted to BMO Field for their skirmish with the Calgary Stampeders on Friday night: 9,819. Apparently the guy who won the 50/50 draw doesn't know what to do with his $8.40 windfall.
Just wondering: Why is Mad Mike McIntyre selling subscriptions to the Drab Slab on his Twitter feed? Things must be grim at the broadsheet if they've got the scribes peddling papers.
Here's the kind of stuff I like to see in a newspaper: Justin Emerson of the Las Vegas Sun asked members of the Golden Knights if they believe the U.S. government is hiding E.T. and some of his little green friends at secretive Area 51 in Nevada. Some of the answers are classic.
Head coach Gerard Gallant: "Ya, for sure. I've seen a couple in the stands."
Alex Tuch: "I think we should be more working side-by-side with them instead of keeping them captive."
Nate Schmidt: "There's no live ones. Ever see Independence Day? That's a factual movie."
According to scientists, there's been a dramatic decline in the North American bird population in the past 50 years, with a loss of 2.9 billion of our feather friends. If only something could be done to get rid of the Baltimore Orioles.
Talk to the 'stache.
Some women are playing exhibition shinny in the Republic of Tranna this weekend. Apparently all the major media outlets planned to be there, except Auston Matthews scored a goal on Friday night so they had to interview his mustache.
Actually, Dave Feschuk of Toronto Star scribbled a piece on the women's Dream Gap Tour a couple of days ago, and he only managed to squeeze three Drake references into his article. I'm quite uncertain what the Tranna Jurassics groupie has to do with women's shinny, but apparently it's compulsory for scribes in The ROT to mention Drake in every essay.
And, finally, I don't think any of us expected Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir to be pitching faux woo to one another at the 2022 Winter Olympic Games in Beijing, but the finest of our fancy skaters made their retirement official last week, and that's sad. What a trip, though. For us.
Author pattidawnswanssonPosted on September 22, 2019 October 31, 2019 Categories SportsTags 2022 Winter Olympic Games, A-Rod, Alex Tuch, aliens, Andrew Harris, Area 51, Auston Matthews, B.C. Lions, Baltimore Orioles, Beijing, Ben Johnson, Blake Wheeler, bluebombers.com, BMO Field, Calgary Stampeders, Canadian Football League, Dave Feschuk, Drake, Dream Gap Tour, Dustin Byfuglien, E.T., Ed Tait, Gerard Gallant, Hamilton Tiger-Cats, Homer Simpson, Jackie Parker, Jerry Bruckheimer, John Bowman, Kenny Ploen, Kyle Connor, Lance Armstrong, Las Vegas Sun, Matt Groening, Mike McIntyre, Mike O'Shea, Mike Reilly, Moe's Tavern, Montreal Alouettes, Nate Schmidt, National Hockey League, Nevada, North America, Patrik Laine, Paul Maurice, performance-enhancing drugs, Scott Moir, Sideshow Bob, Tessa Virtue, Toad In The Hole Winnipeg, Toronto Argonauts, Toronto Raptors, Toronto Star, Vegas Golden Knights, Winnipeg Blue Bombers, Winnipeg Free Press, Winnipeg Jets, women's hockeyLeave a comment on Let's talk about the Winnipeg Jets and their Sideshow Bobs…someone told someone something about Big Buff…Buffpubry…a Big Blue hair ball…the life of Reilly…Andrew Harris and the MOP Award…little green men in Area 51…Ponytail Puck…and other things on my mind
Let's talk about the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and hold the tar and feathers…QB Matt Meh…mirror, mirror on the wall…The ROT's big secret…TSN's cleavage is showing…ugly on ugly…Button's not down on Jets…big loss for the Dub…the Blue Jays dog-and-phony show…and others things on my mind
Another Sunday smorgas-bored…and you know these are the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer when you're walking downtown and see a naked woman sitting on a blanket in the middle of a four-lane street (true story)…
Coach O'Grunge
Looking for symbolism, kids?
Try this: Mike O'Shea was wearing a tattered ball cap during a natter with news snoops on Thursday night.
That pretty much describes Winnipeg FC: Tattered.
But, no, not in ruins.
True, the suddenly shabby Blue Bombers limped home after a faceplant, a pratfall and perhaps too much down time for Tom foolery in Southern Ontario, but when I checked the tables this morning Coach O'Grunge's group was joint leader in the West Division of a Canadian Football League crusade that's become a crap shoot. And I don't know why anyone wouldn't be cool with that.
What's that you say? I've got the rose-tinted goggles on?
Matt Nichols, whipping boy.
It's just that I don't get all bent out of shape in early August over a first-place outfit that grew accustomed to having its own way, only to discover that the other kids in the schoolyard aren't quite so eager to turn over their lunch money anymore.
Trust me, I saw the flaws, first when the Bombers stumbled v. the Tabbies in the Hammer, then on Thursday night v. the previously laughable and mockable Arrrrrrgoos at BMO Field in the Republic of Tranna, where Winnipeg FC piddled away a 20-point advantage like it was summer wages.
Matt Nichols, the starting quarterback who's become the rabble's favorite whipping boy again, was gawdawful in the opening act of the Bombers' pilgrimage to the Golden Horseshoe, and the best he could do for an encore was upgrade to meh in a 28-27 loss to the Boatmen. Matt Meh would be wise to keep the ear plugs close by, because he's sure to hear it from the peanut gallery when the Calgary Stampeders trot onto Football Follies Field in Fort Garry later this week.
Coach LaPo
The rabble might want to save a hoot and a holler for the guy who plots offensive strategy, though.
Unless there's something about Nichols' pitching wing that Winnipeg FC medics aren't sharing with us, Paul LaPolice apparently has forgotten that a Canadian football field is 110 yards in length. I mean, Willie Jefferson can probably toss manhole covers farther than Nichols is allowed to fling the football. How often did Coach LaPo instruct his QB to stretch the field v. the Argos? Here's a hint: It's the same number of Grey Cup victories for the Bombers since 1990.
So, barring a Nichols owie that's being kept on the QT, LaPolice's play selection is dismal.
And now let's talk about Richie Hall's defensive dozen.
The lads went from swagger to sleepwalking v. the Argos in less time than it takes a Democrat to call out Donald Trump for one of his hot-take tweets. I don't know if the Boatmen were boring them, but I'm guessing it was by Hall's design that the Blue and Gold laid down like a picnic blanket as time expired in the first half. Thus, 20-nada begat 20-3 begat 20-10 and the Scullers had wind in their sales.
Anyone can see that's dumb coaching—on both sides of scrimmage—but I'm still not prepared to pick up and run with the "off with their heads" mob. Not yet.
As much as losing to the CFL Sad Sack is an irksome bit of business, I can think of worse places for Winnipeg FC to be than atop the tables, so let's save any talk of pitchforks and torches because we all know the season doesn't really begin until the Labour Day weekend and, of course, when they break out the banjos a week later.
If Coach O'Grunge and his chief lieutenants haven't figured it out by then, I'll supply the tar and you can bring the feathers.
These are words I didn't want to hear: Quizzed about Nichols' play, Coach O'Grunge went all wishy-washy, saying, "That's a question that has to be answered after we, unfortunately, look at the film." I don't know about you, kids, but I don't need to see the film. The QB has quickly become Matt Meh, and we'll be hearing the name Chris Streveler mentioned frequently between now and the Stampeders' visit on Thursday. But I suggest you save your breath. It will take the jaws of life pry the football away from Nichols.
Another disturbing remark was delivered by running back Andrew Harris, whose otherwise boffo performance was scarred by a fumble that cost the Bombers points: "They wanted it more tonight obviously." Really? Getting a W meant more to the bottom-feeding Boatmen than it did to a top-dog club looking to keep ground between itself and a closing posse? If that's true, Bombers brass needs to pass out mirrors with this week's paycheques.
During the E-Town Eskimos/Cowtown Stampeders clash on Saturday, TSN sideline talker Sara Orlesky reported that wounded QB Bo Levi Mitchell tossed 50 passes the other day, all of them 10 yards or less. Hmmm. Sounds like Coach LaPo's game plan.
CFL commish Randy Ambrosie has been known to puff out his ample chest and gab about transparency. So how about ordering the Argos to release the head count at BMO Field, Commish Randy. We know it's as bad as a bear's breath, but why is the number a secret?
We might have to call the folks at Guinness, because I swear TSN directors/cameramen set a world record for most closeup shots of young ladies wearing tank tops and other tight, skimpy summer attire during the Bombers-Boatmen telecast. Seriously. You'll see less cleavage on an episode of the Kardashians. (Not that I watch Kim K and the girls as a rule, you understand, but it can be a hazard of channel surfing.) I'm sure it wasn't intentional, though. All those attractive girls simply got in the way of the camera.
More honesty in broadcasting: A week ago, TSN natterbug Duane Forde described the Calgary Stampeders-Bytown RedBlacks joust as "remarkably ugly," and Davis Sanchez was similarly unimpressed with the RedBlacks-Montreal Larks on Friday night, telling us, "I can't lie to you, that was ugly, really it was." I should point out that Chez was talking about the offensive play, not the Gizmo/Pinball-like kick returning of Devonte Dedmon that had breathless Rod Black gasping for superlatives.
Every time I see Dave Dickenson, I think of a yappy, little lap dog. Coach Chihuahua, the Calgary Stampeders sideline steward, is forever tugging on game officials' pant cuffs and you just want to slap him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. But in today's CFL that's definitely a 15-yard penalty and probably a fine.
Craig Button
Shortly after the National Hockey League grab bag of awe-shucks teens and the initial free-agent frenzy expired, I went on a manhunt for a pundit who saw silver linings in the Summer of Chevy. Turned out that man or woman didn't exist. But now along comes Craig Button, the self-proclaimed TSN opinionista, and he's pumping Winnipeg Jets GM Kevin Cheveldayoff's tires.
Button analyzed a five-item Chevy-to-do list:
1) Sign Patrik Laine and Kyle Connor: Hasn't done it.
2) Trade Jacob Trouba: Been there, done that, received Neal Pionk in barter and that was a "really good move. Neal Pionk plays 22 minutes a night, he's a good, solid player. Kevin Cheveldayoff did what was necessary."
3) Get the names of tier II RFAs Pionk, Andrew Copp and Laurent Brossoit on contracts: Been there, done that, which was "very important."
4) Improve forward depth: There are some "very good depth forwards"
5) Sign Josh Morrissey long term: Hasn't done it.
Button summarized by gushing like an overflowing toilet: "To me this is still a very, very good team. This is still a very good team. This is still a very good team."
I don't know if Craig was trying to convince us or himself, but he's mightily impressed that Chevy has managed to check off two of the five boxes, three if you consider Mark Letestu, Andrei Chibisov and Kristian Vesalainen "very good depth forwards."
I beg to differ with Button, and I don't care if hockey is the bread and butter on his dinner table and just a hobby for moi. The Jets, as of today, are not "a very good team." There's been a substantial downgrade on the blueline, and why are we still growing worry lines because of the iffy No. 2 centre slot? The good news, of course, is there's plenty of time for Chevy to check off the most important box (Laine/Connor), plus amend his roster with player movement, before the puck is dropped in October.
The ol' Greaser
Well, this is not good news for followers of the Dub: The best blog on all matters Western Hockey League is no more. Gregg Drinnan, the ol' Greaser, is shifting gears from shinny to kidneys, and I really don't know where we'll find indepth intel on the WHL now. Greaser was the go-to guy and he leaves a big, empty space. But, hey, it's all about priorities, and I know Gregg's bride Dorothy had a kidney transplant a few years ago. He assures me that she's A-okay, and that's really what I wanted to hear after I caught wind of his change in direction. As someone with Stage 4 chronic kidney disease, I can relate, so nothing but kind thoughts to both of them. Meanwhile, Gregg has pulled the plug on his WHL blog, but not his Taking Note bit, whereby he does some good, old-fashioned scattershooting on Sundays. It's good stuff.
Just an observation: Brooks Koepka is the alpha dog of golf, but I can't recall anyone looking so bored while being so great. I sometimes wonder if he'll need a wakeup call to play the back nine.
Marcus Stroman and Aaron Sanchez
What do you call what's left of the Tranna Blue Jays roster and management sugar-coating the value of trades that sent hurlers Marcus Stroman, Aaron Sanchez and others down the road? A dog-and-phony show.
What do you call what's left of the Blue Jays pitching staff any time they face the Yankees or Red Sox? A three-dog night.
Cutting comment from baseball columnist Gregor Chisholm of the Toronto Star on Jays management: "The lies that get told around this place sometimes just have to make you laugh."
Seriously, can anyone tell me why it's so important that the Tranna Jurassics play on Christmas day? An even better question: Why is anyone playing hoops on Christmas day?
Similarly, why are our teenage boys playing high-level hockey tournaments during the dog days of August? Bobby Orr and Wayne Gretzky weren't on the ice 12 months a year. Why should these kids be?
And, finally, the ladies will be bringing on the glam with their fancy bonnets and summer frocks for the 71st running of the Manitoba Derby at Assiniboia Downs on Monday afternoon. It's always a highlight on the River City sports calendar, and the ponies break from the starting gate at 1:45, with the Derby scheduled as the final gallop on a seven-race card.
Author pattidawnswanssonPosted on August 4, 2019 August 6, 2019 Categories SportsTags Aaron Sanchez, Andrei Chivisov, Andrew Copp, Andrew Harris, Assiniboia Downs, BMO Field, Bo Levi Mitchell, Bobby Orr, Boston Red Sox, Brooks Koepka, Calgary Stampeders, Canadian Football League, Chris Streveler, Craig Button, Dave Dickenson, Davis Sanchez, Devonte Dedmon, Donald Trump, Duane Forde, Edmonton Eskimos, golf, Gregg Drinnan, Gregor Chisholm, Jacob Trouba, Josh Morrissey, Kevin Cheveldayoff, Kim Kardashian, Kristian Vesalainen, Kyle Connor, Labour Day, Laurent Brossoit, Manitoba Derby, Marcus Stroman, Mark Letestu, Matt Nichols, Mike O'Shea, Montreal Alouettes, National Hockey League, Neal Pionk, New York Yankees, Ottawa RedBlacks, Patrik Laine, Paul LaPolice, Randy Ambrosie, Richie Hall, Rod Black, Sara Orlesky, Toronto Argonauts, Toronto Blue Jays, Toronto Raptors, Toronto Star, TSN, Wayne Gretzky, Western Hockey League, Willie Jefferson, Winnipeg Blue Bombers, Winnipeg Jets2 Comments on Let's talk about the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and hold the tar and feathers…QB Matt Meh…mirror, mirror on the wall…The ROT's big secret…TSN's cleavage is showing…ugly on ugly…Button's not down on Jets…big loss for the Dub…the Blue Jays dog-and-phony show…and others things on my mind
Let's talk about the CFL's QB carnage…"remarkably ugly" football…Argos no laughing matter…Popp's big hairy deal…news snoops in a snit…Miss Manners' son Stevie…old broadcasters and friends…and green leaves and jujubes at Carnarvon Park…
Another Sunday smorgas-bored…and if I want to eat plants I'll have a salad, not a plant masquerading as a hamburger…
If that was a Grey Cup preview Friday night at Timbits Field in the Hammer, I might opt for a Steve McQueen or Duke Wayne marathon on the final Sunday in November.
Shabby? Like an old hobo's hair.
Alas, that's what we get when there's a neophyte quarterback on one side and a veteran quarterback playing like the neophyte's understudy on the other.
The Hamilton Tabbies certainly were the superior outfit in the short time Jeremiah Masoli was behind centre during their 23-15 W, but a wonky left knee forced the all-star QB to excuse himself and the Tiger-Cats spent the remainder of the evening in safety-first mode, with tenderfoot Dane Evans barking signals into one of TSN's live mics. He was meh at best.
If only the game itself had reached that level.
This was (supposedly) the Canadian Football League marquee match, with a pair of first-place outfits grabbing artificial grass and growling. The visiting Winnipeg Blue Bombers arrived in the Hammer sans an L on their registry. A perfect 5-nada. The Tabbies had just one hiccup in five assignments. So, ya, it walked and talked like a Grey Cup dress rehearsal.
Then they kicked off and the large lads forgot how to play.
Matt Nichols
Correction: Matt Nichols forgot how to play.
I keep hearing that football is the ultimate team game, but the Bombers' first stumble of this crusade is mostly down to QB Nichols, who kept throwing passes he had no business throwing, and three of them landed in the eager and welcoming arms of guys dressed in black and gold.
Had a quarterback more accomplished than Dane Evans been available to make Winnipeg FC pay for Nichols' (also the kick returners) sins, we might be talking about a rout of biblical levels.
Sadly, Evans' presence and Masoli's absence is part of the CFL's increasingly bleak big-picture story.
Bo Levi Mitchell
Forget that Masoli has the worst QB body since Danny McManus. (Seriously. He looks like Fred Flintstone in shoulder pads.) He gets the job done. He's elite. But he's the sixth starter to go down for the count this summer, joining Bo Levi Mitchell, Zach Collaros, Antonio Pipken, Dominique Davis and James Franklin in the repair shop. And it's only due to extreme good fortune that someone hasn't put a toe tag on Mike Reilly's season.
Commissioner Randy Ambrosie spent much of the past winter and spring blah, blah, blahing about a new vision that he likes to call CFL 2.0. What I didn't know is that CFL 2.0 meant every team would be starting its QB 2.0 before Labour Day.
I mean, by the time the playoffs commence, the body count will be so high that we might be watching Andrew Sheer and Justin Trudeau fling the football in the West Division final instead of Nichols and Trevor Harris.
Can anything be done to halt the QB carnage?
Simoni Lawrence took out Zach Collaros.
Well, quarterbacks are now treated like pricey porcelain figurines, with better protection than Queen Liz. Hostile defenders breath on them at their own peril, and Commish Randy underscored the CFL's keep-QBs-vertical agenda by ordering Simoni Lawrence to take a two-game respite for the unlawful hit that sent Collaros to a dark room.
Unfortunately, threats of vacations without pay couldn't have prevented the Masoli owie. It was the result of a freakish play, whereby his left knee caved in during his attempt to escape large, angry men with a different agenda.
So on came neophyte Evans and, with the inept Nichols far off his game, it made for rather dreary theatre with four picks, seven turnovers and not a single play from scrimmage exceeding 27 yards.
I hate to say this because the CFL is my favorite pro sports league, but it's becoming almost unwatchable.
It doesn't help, of course, that TSN insists on trying to doll up its broadcasts with that annoying split screen, the voices of natterbugs in the booth competing with live-mic'd players/officials, and cameras that appear to be located in a distant area code. Live mics are boffo for curling and golf, and even baseball, but not so much during a football telecast.
Here's truth in broadcasting: During the first half of the Calgary Stampeders-Bytown RougeNoir frolic on Thursday night, TSN natterbug Duane Forde described it as "remarkably ugly." That is remarkably honest. Also remarkably refreshing.
Neither of the two skirmishes on the Thursday menu will be included in CFL promo material. On the entertainment scale, they were somewhere between an Adam Sandler movie and the ear-blitzing screeching of a Yoko Ono concert. I mean, three teams—Tranna Argonauts, Calgary and Bytown—had a combined total of one touchdown. In 148 plays from scrimmage. The Argos couldn't even scrounge up a measly rouge vs. the Eskimos in E-Town. You know how difficult it is to get blanked in the CFL? O.J. Simpson will have an easier time getting through the Pearly Gates. But the bottomless Boatmen managed it. Uh-glee. I suffered through both jousts and, yes, I'd like to have those six hours of my life back, if you don't mind.
Many of us who dwell in the colonies aren't opposed to crude jokes and rude laughter when outfits from the Republic of Tranna perform face plants, but there's nothing funny about the oarless Scullers being oh-fer-2019. The Argos are the boil on the CFL's butt. On and off the field. Their freshly completed (mis)adventure on the Prairies was a ghastly bit of business, and you know losing three games and being outscored 100-37 won't win them new admirers. Mind you, they're still mourning the loss of Kawhi Leonard in The ROT, so it's unlikely that anyone there noticed. That, too, is sad.
Jim Popp
In the department of 'what have you done for us lately,' I present Jim Popp, GM of the Boatmen. Once considered a gridiron guru in three-down circles, it's become apparent that Popp has a fabulous head of hair and not much else. He failed to find a replacement for Anthony Calvillo in Montreal (the Larks have been paying for it ever since) and he hasn't found a replacement for Ricky Ray in The ROT. No QB, no hope, no job for Popp if he doesn't do something about it.
Beastmo Bighill
Prior to the Bombers' departure to our eastern precincts last week, it was noted that neither Beastmo Bighill or Chris Matthews was made available for chin-wags post-practice on Monday. Not surprisingly, there was harrumphing among news snoops. "This is the CFL," Steve Simmons of Postmedia Tranna squawked on Twitter. "Every player should be available to media every day. Doing the opposite is small-time, small-town backwards thinking." Hmmm. You mean like Kawhi Leonard and the Tranna Jurassics? He spoke less often than a street mime during his one-and-done pit stop in The ROT, yet somehow those pesky jock journos managed to get the job done without Kawhi's daily pearls of wisdom. Is every player on every team in the National Hockey League available every day? Nope. Problem is, some news snoops have a misguided sense of entitlement and still believe athletes/coaches are at their every beck and call. Doesn't work that way, kids. Not anymore. So boo freaking hoo. Find someone else to talk to.
The outrageously arrogant Simmons didn't limit his pompous tsk-tsking to the CFL last week. No sir. He slid into full Grandpa Simpson, fist-shaking mode after Kawhi Leonard was introduced as a member of the L.A. Clippers. "Four people Kawhi had to thank and didn't," he tweeted from the fetal position. "1) Masai (Ujiri) 2) Larry Tanenbaum 3) Alex (load management) McKechnie 4) Nick Nurse. He did thank restaurants for giving him free food, though." Why, shame on Kawhi. I mean, such nerve. How dare he wag his tongue without first conferring with Miss Manners' son Stevie. I hope all the nominees for Emmy Awards in September realize they must clear their acceptance/thank you speeches through Stevie before approaching the microphone.
Others on the hoops beat in The ROT resisted any urge to play the jilted lover role, offering less of an emotional take on Leonard's first utterings as a Clipper:
Bruce Arthur, Toronto Star: "(Kawhi) did it right."
Leo Rautins, TSN: "(Kawhi was) very thoughtful in his words."
Tim Micallef, Sportsnet: "I don't care about any of that stuff. I really don't. I understand the fans do. I really don't care about it."
So nice to see Brian Williams on TSN's coverage of the Prince of Wales Stakes last Tuesday. Brian is a lovely man and an exceptional broadcaster. Not many talkers on TV are more polished and, hey, he's one of us. Which is to say, he drew his first breath in Good Ol' Hometown.
I hear they had a big adios bash last week for three Globe and Mail sports scribes, including Dave Shoalts. I worked with Shoaltsy in Calgary and I can report that he's one of the truly good guys in a business full of good guys. He's also a funny man. Enjoy the rocking chair, Shoaltsy.
A big hi-de-ho to old friend Peter Young. Pete's ticker gave him a spot of grief not so long ago, but I see the old broadcaster is back on social media and taking aim at Bob Cameron.
Michelle Liu
And, finally, ever since I heard that 12-year-old Michelle Liu had qualified to play with the grown-ups at the CP Women's Open golf tournament next month in Aurora, Ont., I've been trying to remember what I was doing in the summer of 1963, when I was her age. I believe I was building sand castles at Willows Beach in Oak Bay (Victoria). No. Wait. Now I remember. They wouldn't allow me to play with the 14-year-olds in a baseball tourney at Carnarvon Park (arrived too late for registration), so I sold programs instead and made $5 one day and $3 the next. That bought a kid a lot of green leaves and jujubes back in the day.
Author pattidawnswanssonPosted on July 28, 2019 July 28, 2019 Categories SportsTags Adam Bighill, Adam Sandler, Alex McKechnie, Andrew Sheer, Anthony Calvillo, Antonio Pipkin, Bo Levi Mitchell, Brian Williams, Bruce Arthur, Calgary Stampeders, Canadian Football League, Carnarvon Park, CFL 2.0, Chris Matthews, CP Women's Open, Dane Evans, Danny McManus, Dave Shoalts, Dominique Davis, Duane Forde, Duke Wayne, Edmonton Eskimos, Fred Flintstone, Globe and Mail, Grandpa Simpson, Grey Cup, Hamilton Tiger-Cats, James Franklin, Jeremiah Masoli, Jim Popp, Justin Trudeau, Kawhi Leonard, Larry Tanenbaum, Leo Rautins, Masai Ujiri, Matt Nichols, Michelle Liu, Miss Manners, Montreal Alouettes, National Hockey League, Nick Nurse, O.J. Simpson, Oak Vay, Ottawa RedBlacks, Pearly Gates, peter Young, Postmedia, Prince of Wales Stakes, Queen Elizabeth, Randy Ambrosie, Ricky Ray, Simoni Lawrence, Sportsnet, Steve McQueen, Steve Simmons, Tim Micallef, Toronto Argonauts, Toronto Raptors, Toronto Star, Trevor Harris, TSN, Victoria, Willows Beach, Winnipeg Blue Bombers, Yoko Ono, Zach Collaros2 Comments on Let's talk about the CFL's QB carnage…"remarkably ugly" football…Argos no laughing matter…Popp's big hairy deal…news snoops in a snit…Miss Manners' son Stevie…old broadcasters and friends…and green leaves and jujubes at Carnarvon Park…
Let's talk about Megan Rapinoe and the gay Yankee Doodle Damsels…turn down the volume, Kate…a death watch in The ROT?…the rouge…Mike Reilly's panic attacks…Kawhi and Shane, please don't go…and les Habs by the numbers
Monday morning coming down in 3, 2, 1…and the best female soccer player in the world is a lesbian…imagine that…
A lot of people don't like Megan Rapinoe because she's loud, proud and gay.
I like her because she's loud, proud and gay.
It isn't easy being part of the LGBTQ(etc.) alphabet. Yes, even in 2019. Too many among the rabble still believe being gay is sinful and unnatural and as wholly contemptible as child porn, and it makes them blanch and climb atop soap boxes to hurl fire-and-brimstone condemnations and dire warnings of an eternal inferno.
Which means the spectacle that was Rapinoe in France likely had the homophobes choking on their Cheerios.
The purple-haired U.S.A. co-captain became the face of women's soccer during the 31 days of the World Cup, in part because she kept hoofing balls into the back of the net (six of them), but also because she kept getting in everyone's face. Sometimes intentionally, other times not so much.
Donald Trump, for example, tried to pick a fight with her on Twitter.
"Megan should never disrespect our Country, the White House, or our Flag," the Bully-in-Chief harrumphed.
Piffle. As if a scornful tsk-tsking from the resident in the big, white house on Pennsylvania Avenue would convince her to sing along and place a hand over her heart during the playing of the Star-Spangled Banner. In your face, el presidente. Megan remained mute, hands clasped behind her back, in silent/loud protest against social injustice in America. Besides, she had another use for her hands—to reach out and collect trinkets.
Give that girl the Golden Boot.
And the Golden Ball.
And the Women's World Cup Trophy.
Rapinoe won them all in France. Top goal-scorer. Top player. Top of the world.
She scored five times in knockout tests, including the only goal the Yankee Doodle Damsels required in a 2-nil dispatching of a game-yet-overmatched Netherlands side in Sunday's final, and along the way Piers Morgan made note of Megan's "stupendous ego" and called her "smug, arrogant, entitled and annoying." The British broadcasting blabbermouth and confirmed Trumpite was just warming up. "I don't like footballers being extreme activists. Just play football. Seriously…nobody wants to hear it," is how the second verse went.
Well, he certainly didn't want to hear Megan say, "Go gays. You can't win a championship without gays on your team. It's never been done before."
"Yes you can," Morgan begged to differ on Twitter. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves here, Ms Rapinoe…football competence isn't linked to sexuality."
No, but that might have been the ultimate "in your face."
Sue Bird and Megan Rapinoe.
Rapinoe, you see, isn't the only out lesbian among these Yankee Doodle Damsels. Jill Ellis, the coach, is married to Betsy Stephenson and they have a daughter, Lily. Five other players—Tierna Davidson, Adrianna Franch, Ashlyn Harris, Ali Krieger and Kelley O'Hara—are out gays. Harris and Krieger are engaged and will exchange vows later this year. After the final, O'Hara sought her girlfriend and they exchanged a kiss at the edge of the stands at Parc Olympique Lyonnais. Ditto Rapinoe and girlfriend Sue Bird.
Oh, and five of the conquered Dutch are lesbians.
So, ya, if Megan Rapinoe tells me no women's side has ever won the World Cup without lesbians on the pitch, I'll take her word for it and Piers Morgan can talk to the hand.
Kelley O'Hara and girlfriend.
Should any of that matter? No, it shouldn't. But it does matter—and will continue to matter—as long as those under the LGBTQ(etc.) banner are discriminated against due only to their choice of romantic/sexual partners and are considered lesser-thans.
Megan Rapinoe is no lesser-than. She might not be your cup of tea. Too brash. Too cocky. Too arrogant. To full of herself. Too defiant. Too aggressive. Too political. Too gay.
Fine. But she's also almost too good to be true for a community still struggling for acceptance. The most visible, most talked-about footballer on the planet today is an out lesbian. Imagine that.
As Megan said after a quarterfinal victory over the French: Go gays!
Best quote, by far, during the post-match revelry was delivered by play-by-play broadcaster Steve Wilson, who, upon seeing Rapinoe greeted warmly by French leader Emmanuel Macron, said: "There is a president she's happy to meet."
Kate Beirness, Clare Rustad, Kaylyn Kyle and Diana Matheson.
I didn't think anyone on TV could talk louder than James Corden, the late-night gab guy who's forever yelling, but Kate Beirness makes him sound like a street mime. Host of TSN's excellent all-female soccer panel featuring Clare Rustad, Kaylyn Kyle and Diana Matheson, Kate's high-volume delivery is an assault on the ear drums and the sole negative note struck during coverage. Tone it down, girl. We get it. It's a big event.
So this is how bad it's gotten for the Argonauts and the Canadian Football League in the Republic of Tranna: They refuse to reveal the head count at BMO Field. The best I could dig up for the Boatmen's skirmish vs. B.C. Lions on Saturday night was "sparse." That could mean 10,000 or fewer fans. It could mean between 10,000 and 12,000. Whatever, given the shockingly low quality of play it's safe to assume that much of the "sparse" audience won't be back for more on Aug. 1, when the Winnipeg Blue Bombers trot into town. If, that is, the Argos are still in business.
What does a sportswriter call it when he's assigned to work an Argos home game? The graveyard shift. Seriously, that's a death watch.
The Argos-Lions joust ended on a rouge. I love the rouge. It's as Canadian as a Gordon Lightfoot concert, a Pierre Berton book, or the Littlest Hobo eating poutine. But I don't like it on a wayward field goal attempt. Rewarding failure is just wrong.
Mike Reilly
Bravo to Mike Reilly, the Lions quarterback who's stepped forward to discuss his battle with mental health issues. It's a powerful, enlightening story that, hopefully, will help others gripped by anxiety and panic attacks, and Reilly isn't shy about sharing the gory details.
"It hit me as soon as my head hit the pillow," he tells Chris O'Leary of his first panic attack. "The only way I can describe it is a full-blown panic attack.
"I can't even say that my heart was racing. It was like it was trying to beat its way out of my chest. It was racing faster than I'd ever felt before. It felt like everything was kind of closing in around me. I couldn't breathe. I honestly in that moment thought I was going to die. It was the scariest thing I've ever felt in my entire life.
"I felt frozen, like I was stuck in my bed. I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything and I thought that was going to be it. I thought I was going to die.
"Emily (his wife) came in from the bathroom and I remember thinking, 'I don't know what caused that, I'm still feeling the effects of it and I don't want to close my eyes. If it happens again I'm going to die.' I remember telling her, 'Let's turn the TV on and let's pick a show and just watch it.' I remember thinking, 'I just don't want to lay back down. If I lay back down and close my eyes, I will die right there.'"
Been there, felt that and I don't wish it on anyone.
So, Kawhi Leonard is taking his ball and going home, and the mourning continues in The ROT, where no one—not even the impossible groupie Drake—is feeling it more than Steve Simmons, the Postmedia columnist who long ago showed signs of a serious man-crush on the hoopster.
It began with an open love letter: "I'm writing this with the hope you'll consider remaining with the Raptors after this season, making Toronto your basketball home, because in many ways, it makes sense—for you, for the city, for the basketball team, for Canada."
Shane, come back…and bring Kawhi with you.
Later, there was this: "If this is it for Kawhi Leonard, one season of mystery, magic and memories in Toronto, one year and one unexpected and exhilarating NBA championship, then, really, all you can say is thanks. Thanks and you'll never be forgotten."
And the latest: "You can't dislike anything about what Leonard brought in one calendar year to the Raptors and to basketball across this country. We will be walking on air, living with this, celebrating the championship, for years. Maybe our whole lives."
Oh, my. Walking on air our whole lives. We haven't read or heard that much melodrama since teary-eyed little Joey Starrett begged his hero not to go in the final scene of the western classic Shane. "We want you Shane, Shaaaaane!…Come back! And bring Kawhi with you!"
Minnesota Whitecaps have signed just seven players for the 2019-20 National Women's Hockey League crusade, but season tickets are already available for, get this, $420 (between the bluelines), $315 (inside the bluelines) and $210 (standing room). That's for 12 games and it breaks down to $35, $26.25 and $17.50 per. I'm a fan of female shinny, but 35 bucks a pop is excessive. Actually, it's crazy. Or maybe not. The Whitecaps sold out every date at the 1,200-seat TRIA Rink last season and, with those non-refundable sticker prices, it's little wonder they were the first NWHL outfit to show a profit.
And, finally, terrific Montreal Canadiens story from longtime shinny scribe Dave Stubbs: "Roman Hamrlik asked for No. 4, his Calgary number, when he signed in 2007," Stubbs tweeted. "Equipment mgr Pierre Gervais: 'I'll give you Mr. Béliveau's phone number. If he agrees, I'll give you a long ladder and you can take down his banner.' Hamrlik opted for 44."
Author pattidawnswanssonPosted on July 8, 2019 December 17, 2019 Categories LGBT and sports, SportsTags Adrianna Franch, Ali Krieger, anxiety, Ashlyn Harris, B.C. Lions, BMO Field, Chris O'Leary, Clare Rustad, Dave Stubbs, Diana Matheson, Donald Trump, France, Golden Ball, Golden Boot, Gordon Lightfoot, homophobes, Jean Beliveau, Joey Starrett, Kate Beirness, Kawhi Leonard, Kaylyn Kyle, Kelley O'Hara, lesbians, LGBTQ, Littlest Hobo, Lyon, Megan Rapinoe, Mike Reilly, Minnesota Whitecaps, Montreal Canadiens, National Women's Hockey League, panic attack, Parc Olympique Lyonnais, Pierre Berton, Piers Morgan, Postmedia, poutine, Roman Hamrlik, Shane, Star-Spangled Banner, Steve Simmons, Sue Bird, the Netherlands, Tierna Davidson, Toronto Argonauts, Toronto Raptors, TSN, U.S.A., USNWT, White House, Winnipeg Blue Bombers, women's World Cup4 Comments on Let's talk about Megan Rapinoe and the gay Yankee Doodle Damsels…turn down the volume, Kate…a death watch in The ROT?…the rouge…Mike Reilly's panic attacks…Kawhi and Shane, please don't go…and les Habs by the numbers
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text:
ENGAGING AUTHOR TALKS - INSPIRATIONAL WRITING WORKSHOPS -
BOOKS WITH EDUCATIONAL ELEMENTS.
Elaine has a Master of Letters in Creative Writing. She teaches writing to adults, organises literary festivals, presents workshops for students, and gives talks to writing groups and at libraries. She has several published books and more are being released each year. Select the covers to read more about the books.
Elaine is available for author talks about her books and the animals, or for writing workshops for adults or children. Her sessions are interactive, educational and engaging. She is experienced at talking to groups and modifies her talk to suit the various age groups and needs of the school, library or writers' group. More details below.
HER BOOKS:
Her latest book, Fearless Friends - Graffiti Fighters, has a theme of 'do unto others what you would have done to you', this book teaches the importance of respecting other people's property.
The first book in her series, Barben's Magic Quest, has a theme of saving the forests of the world. More books in this series will follow. This book teaches the reader the importance of saving the forests to save the animals who live in them and save the environment.
The Mystery of Nida Valley, a fantasy/adventure series, is an engaging, entertaining story for children from nine to young teens. Firmly based in Queensland, the story has the added appeal of an educational element as the reader learns about the Australian dinosaurs and the megafauna that roamed Australia before and just after human settlement. Extensive research was undertaken to ensure the accuracy of her information on the animals and dinosaurs.
Two books in the series have been released and Elaine is working on the third. Reviews by Michael Gerard Bauer, Michael Pryor, Karen Brooks and many more are on the book's website http://themysteryofnidavalley.com
Meet the Megafauna is a non-fiction picture book with illustrations and information on 15 of Australia's most unusual megafauna. This will be followed by a series of picture books with an entertaining story featuring two of these animals and showing how they lived and interacted with their natural enemies.
Dippy The Dancing Diprotodon, the first of the megafauna picture books, has now been released. The story of the marsupial lion and the diprotodon tells the reader how they would have lived in the wild.
Bush Tails: A new series called Bush Tails now has two books; The Bunyip in the Billabong and A Close Call. These books are for early readers and tell stories from the Australian country.
Lost in a Strange Land, is a chapter book for early readers and is an animal adventure story that shows the reader the differences and similarities between four of Australia's native animals and their closest counterparts in Britain.
AUTHOR TALKS:
The books:
Lost in a Strange Land - A talk on writing the story and on the animals of Britain who live in a similar manner to our Australian animals.
The books: The Mystery of Nida Valley series – How and why I wrote the series and the research needed and information on the megafauna and dinosaurs features in the books.
For younger children - a reading of Dippy The Dancing Diprotodon.
The story of the marsupial lion and the diprotodon tells the reader how they would have lived in the wild. It will be accompanied by a slide show and talk on the megafauna animals.
Barben's Magic Quest. How and why I wrote the series and the importance to the environment of saving the forests of the world.
The Megafauna of Australia.
Becoming an author.
- Turning an idea into a story
- Waking your imagination
- Plotting a story
- Creating suspense
- Creating a wondrous world
- Keeping the reader hooked
- Writing believable dialogue
- Creating exciting believable characters
These talks and workshops can be adjusted to suit any age group and time frame.
More information on the workshops can be obtained on the workshop page.
No booking fee is required. No travel or accommodation is charged if the distance is under 100 kilometres.
Costs: $3.50 per student for local schools for one 1 hour workshop for under 50 students.
Three 1 hour workshops with up to 100 students can be held over the course of a school day for a fixed fee for local schools. Contact Elaine for a price.
A 20% commission in books or cash for sales of the authors' books will be donated to the Library Fund or to the P&C. A collection envelope for prior or later sales, will be supplied before the event. A book stall with other author's books can be provided and 20% of the total sales for the day will be donated to the Library Fund or the P&C. This donation can be taken in books from the stall for the library or in cash.
More workshops and more details on these subjects are available on the Gondor Writers' Centre website: www.gondorwriterscentre.com
Elaine's books are available from the BOOK AND BAGS STORE or from the following places:
Your local or online bookstore. If they are not in stock ask the store to order them.
Morris Publishing Australia: - http//www.morrispublishingaustralia.com
James Bennett Library supplies - http://www.bennett.com.au
Teachers' notes are available for The Mystery of Nida Valley series. They may be downloaded from the book's website http://themysteryofnidavalley.com or ordered by contacting Elaine. elaine@elainejouston.com or phone 0417 351 717.


In These Shoes was the theme tune to Catherine Tate's first TV series. But now it has another comedy meaning –a split-personality sketch show: a mix of shouty, unsubtle and clunkily unconvincing caricatures relieved with a small handful of subtle, inventive and musically adroit songs from Jay Foreman.
He provides the male component of the skits, too, alongside Mandy Dassa, who wrote it all, and Jen Aries. The 45-miunte show is brash in tone, with a series of larger-than-life characters ranting away hysterically. From the vegetarian who not-so-secretly craves meat to the gym bunny who gushes about her fitness regime before mainlining whipped cream, the difference between each personality's ideals and actual behaviour is never particularly nuanced.
The writing tends to be over-wrought, too, never adhering to the maxim that less is more and ramming the point home with little finesse. When the point is so weak as Ryanair's penny-pinching, charge-for-everything attitude, the effect is especially laboured.
Performances – Dassa's especially – are equally exaggerated, creating the idea that this is a stage-school showcase of loud grotesques rather than anything more credible or well-observed. However, subtle wouldn't have played too well in this late-night, free festival pub slot, where at least a couple of well-lubricated girls in the audience couldn't keep their vacuous inner monologues to themselves.
Against this landscape of shrieking New York fashionistas and loony loo attendants, Foreman's delicately funny ballads make for a strange contrast. But with quirky premises, such as his quest for a 'slightly imperfect girl' and a celebration of the joys of stealing food, they pique the interest and generate the laughs. He has his own solo show of such compositions, so his association with this blunt and bawdy offering is a riddle.