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We bought this 100-year-old fixer-upper on Virginia's Eastern Shore in 2016 to fix up as a family vacation house. It's been a total gut job and one of our most challenging projects today, but we love the result!
Beach House: End Of The Year Tour!
The Beach House Has Furniture!
The Pine Floors At The Beach House Are Refinished – AND IT CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!


or State court for the purpose of actions brought under subsection (b)(2).
termination date provided under paragraph (3).
Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996) during any such period.
such qualifying quarter of coverage is so credited.
(SAVE) described in section 1137(d)(3) of the Social Security Act.
be necessary to carry out subparagraph (A).
an action against the sponsor pursuant to the affidavit of support.
affidavit of support is enforceable.
under subsection (b)(2), with respect to reimbursement.
annual income equal to at least 125 percent of the Federal poverty line.
percent of the Federal poverty line.
revocation of such petition under section 205 would be inappropriate.
States Code, that the copies are certified copies of such returns.
support of the sponsored alien.
social security account number data provided under paragraph (1).


text:
Discovery Committed to Advancing the Sustainable Development Goals
The 17 Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) put forth by the United Nations is a call to action to end poverty, improve health and education, reduce inequality, increase economic opportunity and preserve our natural resources. Discovery's RISE program supports this framework for people and the planet and is committed to implementing these goals through our mission to Reduce Inequality and Support Empowerment.
WE STAND TOGETHER IN SOLIDARITY AGAINST RACISM AND VIOLENCE
Discovery is proud to support organizations like Save the Children and others fighting to Reduce Inequality and Support Empowerment. Our partners at Save the Children reach hundreds of millions of children every year, promoting racial equity and ensuring children have access to the learning and resources they need to succeed in school and life – empowering future generations today.
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redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


A printed compact antenna array for small wirelessly powered device operating at 900MHz is proposed. The prototype is developed by printing antenna pattern on a 0.1 mm thick flexible substrate and folding the printed sheet into a rectangular volume measuring 33 mm by 56 mm by 12 mm. The edge-to-edge distance between array elements is only 0.078 λ. An isolation structure is added to minimize the coupling between the elements. Measurement results show a -27 dB minimum coupling between the elements, which yields significant gain improvement up to 3.6 dB and radiation efficiency improvement up to 28 % over the design without isolation structure. When integrated with rectifier circuits, the proposed design also demonstrates superior performance by generating more DC power. The results have shown the proposed work to be a feasible solution of implementing antenna array for small device to enhance of RF power receiving capability with high compactness.
© 2014 IEEE. Personal use of this material is permitted. Permission from IEEE must be obtained for all other uses, in any current or future media, including reprinting/republishing this material for advertising or promotional purposes, creating new collective works, for resale or redistribution to servers or lists, or reuse of any copyrighted component of this work in other works. The published version is available at: [DOI:http://dx.doi.org/10.1109/LAWP.2014.2322397].


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text:
West Virginia Medical Marijuana Qualifying Conditions
By Dr. Anand Dugar | October 22, 2021
A Natural Alternative for WV Residents The state of West Virginia has provided a list of "serious medical conditions" that they consider to be qualifying for the use of medical marijuana. Below you can view the list of serious medical conditions provided by the WV Office of Medical Cannabis to find out if you qualify…
The Complete Process of Obtaining a Medical Marijuana Card in West Virginia
By Dr. Anand Dugar | January 23, 2021 | 0
Around 85% of Americans support the legalization of medical marijuana, and it is estimated that several million currently use it to treat certain medical conditions. With that being said, if you live in West Virginia, and meet certain qualifications, you can obtain a medical marijuana card. On April 19, 2017, Governor Jim Justice signed Senate Bill 386 into…
Is CBD Legal in West Virginia?
By Dr. Anand Dugar | November 9, 2020 | 0
Some states impose strict prohibitions on CBD usage. Is West Virginia one of them? Learn the state laws and other important information about CBD.
West Virginia Senate Candidate Announces Plan to Curb State's Opioid Epidemic
By Dr. Anand Dugar | October 23, 2020 | 0
West Virginia Senate candidate Paula Jean Swearengin is focusing much of her attention on the state's skyrocketing opioid epidemic. Learn more.
Cabell-Huntington Health Department Approves Medical Marijuana in Cabell County
Medical cannabis will soon be coming to Cabell County, West Virginia. Learn what this means for patients and local residents.
Can You Get a Medical Marijuana Card for ADHD in West Virginia?
Although ADHD is not recognized as a qualifying condition for medical marijuana in West Virginia, you may still qualify under the new law. Learn more.
West Virginia Medical Marijuana Laws Patients Should Know
West Virginia's medical marijuana laws are strict, and you can face steep consequences if you don't follow them to the letter. Get the facts.
Can You Get a Medical Marijuana for Cancer in West Virginia?
By Dr. Anand Dugar | September 7, 2020 | 0
Cancer patients are eligible for West Virginia's medical marijuana program. Learn what's required and how to become a patient.
Can You Get Medical Marijuana for Arthritis in West Virginia?
If you suffer from arthritis in West Virginia, you may qualify for a medical marijuana card if you meet certain other criteria. Get the full story.
Can You Get Medical Marijuana for Insomnia in West Virginia?
West Virginia doesn't recognize insomnia as a qualifying condition for medical marijuana, but you may still qualify with an underlying condition. See more.


text:
Wildz add Lightning Baccarat
Wildz adds Lightning Baccarat
The Live Casino at Wildz Casino is growing. We're always looking to expand our offering, and now we have early access to Lightning Baccarat from Evolution Gaming.
Evolution is among the most popular Live Casino game providers in the world. One of the first things we did after launch was making sure we could add them to our list of game providers. Their game's hold the highest standard, and we're confident this new title will excite our players.
What is Baccarat?
Baccarat is a long-term favourite among players, both online and in landbased casinos. The concept of the game is simple: It is played between the "player" and a "banker". Every round of play has three possible outcomes: either the "player" has the highest score, the "banker" has the highest score, or the round ends in a tie.
Playing Baccarat, you will place bets on which hand you think will win. The objective of the game is to come as close to nine as possible. Depending on the value of both hands in the game, there might be a third card drawn.
There is also a bunch of side bets available in Baccarat, especially if you play one of the numerous live offerings from Evolution Gaming. The Live games will also a big choice of roads and cards are dealt face down. If you don't pay attention you might even forget you're not in a landbased casino.
And what is Lightning Baccarat?
Before each hand is played, the game randomly selects between 1 and 5 Lightning Cards. These cards will receive additional multipliers, ranging from 2x to 8x. If these Lightning Cards form part of a winning bet, including side bets and bets on Tie, all the multipliers will be added together before your win is calculated.
This is a game mechanism found in other popular Evolution Gaming titles, such as Lightning Roulette and Lightning Dice. If you, for example, have 3 Lightning Cards with 8x multipliers forming part of your winning bet, they will be added together like this:
8 x 8 x 8 = 520x multiplier.
These Lightning Cards adds excitement to an already popular and easy to learn Live Casino game. This title proves why Evolution Gaming is the industry-leader for Live games, and we're proud to offer Lightning Baccarat in our game library.
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Surya Hospitals have been a pioneer in offering modern healthcare services for Women & Children in India since 1985. Over the last three decades we have regularly embraced the latest advancements in medical science and introduced cutting-edge medical technology to offer 'best-in-class' clinical outcomes and patient experiences.
Patients have shown a relentless faith in our services and that has given us the confidence to grow from a modest 22 bedded paediatric nursing home in Mumbai more than three decades ago to a chain of multiple hospitals offering standardised care to women and children in the country. We are further expanding our footprint and setting up facilities which will offer similar services to patients in Jaipur, Thane and Delhi. This makes us one of the fastest growing single speciality hospital chain in Asia.
With a view to spread the knowledge and clinical experience we run various academic courses in Paediatrics, Gynaecology and Obstetrics. We are one of the largest institutes running such government approved academic courses in Western India. You can find more information on this in the Academics section.
While Surya Hospitals makes rapid progress in widening our reach, we are simultaneously committed and focused on further elevating our patient experience to greater levels of satisfaction, and increasing our services by introducing more super-specialty services that makes us a leading name in neonatal & paediatric care, and the best in class women care facilities.
Some of the 'state-of-the-art' facilities include – India's largest level 3 NICU facility, dedicated neonatal ambulances for free transport of neonates, fertility treatment for women, specialty services in gynaecology, Gynec-oncology, high risk Obstetrics, in-house foetal medicine centre and experts, in-utero transfer facility, state-of-the art operating rooms and private suites, experts for OPD consultations, research and education for new and innovative health treatments.


The Museums Department is the administrative unit that coordinates all museum-related activities in the Autonomous Community of Galicia. It is responsible for the control of the movable heritage stored at the museums and other visitable collections owned by the Regional Government and the Spanish state and assigned to the Directorate General of Cultural Politics, as well as those that make up the Galician Museums System. This Department also provides advice and acts as a vehicle for continuous collaboration between technical staff from the different museums, so as to achieve a single, unified institutional policy regarding the procedures and the technical care and treatment of the collections.
Technical management and coordination of the Galician Museums System and its various networks, and inspection of Galician museums and the cultural heritage they contain.
Managing the Museums owned by the Regional Government and assigned to this Ministry, and those owned by the Spanish state whose management has been transferred to the Autonomous Community of Galicia.
Processing and reporting on the procedures for the creation, authorization and classification of museums and visitable collections in accordance with current legislation.
Updating and control of the registry and census of museums in Galicia.
Keeping an inventory of the movable heritage conserved in Galician museums, and careful control of all movements, restorations and reproductions of said movable heritage.
Technical support and advice in all aspects of movable heritage and museums of interest for Galicia.
Scheduling, coordination and management of all activities relating to the increase, conservation, documentation, research and dissemination of the movable heritage stored in Galician museums.
Valuation for administrative purposes of cultural assets of interest to museums.
Dealings required for increasing the movable heritage of the Museums owned or managed by the Regional Government by assignment or deposit and the different ways in which pieces can enter the collection.
In general, all those functions that may be entrusted to it on the basis of its particular expertise.
The control of movements, restorations and reproductions of the movable heritage in the museums and collections belonging to the Galician Museums System: control of the pieces leaving the museums and of those undergoing interventions or restorations.
Acquisitions, donations and deposits (on loan) of pieces in the museums managed by the Regional Government of Galicia.
Inventories of the movable heritage in the museums and collections in the Galician Museums System.
Deposits of archaeological findings in museums and collections in the Galician Museums System.
Authorization, recognition and creation of museums or visitable collections in the Autonomous Community of Galicia.
Authorization of publications, reproductions and the economic management of regional and state-owned museums assigned to the Directorate General of Cultural Politics.
The Galician Museums System is made up of all the museums and visitable collections of different kinds owned by different bodies in the Autonomous Community of Galicia, authorized by the Regional Ministry of Culture and Tourism and registered in the Census of Museums and Collections.
The powers attributed to the Regional Ministry of Culture and Tourism in this field are exercised above all in the museums it owns and in the state-owned museums that it manages, and also in the over 70 museums and collections spread around the different parts of Galicia, and belonging to local administrations, private foundations and the Church.


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Home > Institute of Photography > BA(Hons) Marine & Natural History Photography > Bradley Sharp
All work presented on this page is copyright of Bradley Sharp
Bradley Sharp
Tattoos have a mixed perception from the time they were first used to decorate a person's skin. From Vikings that marked themselves with Runes and other markings both to bring themselves protection and inspire fear in their enemies, to the more modern Yakuza depicting Japanese Mythology and history in bodysuits of imagery like Koi and Dragons depicting wealth and prosperity.
But a common theme among many cultures and designs is the incorporation of wildlife for the different ways they are interpreted by the people.
This project's aim was to explore the reasons behind why people decided to choose wildlife themed tattoos and what personal connection they had with the animal or wildlife scene they had.
The Wolf in the Dream Catcher
Native Americans have a legend about Dream Catchers, the Ojibwe people speak of a spider woman know as Asibikaashi. Asibikaashi took care of the children and the people of the land, but as the Ojibwe Nation grew it became difficult for Asibikaashi to protect the people and reach all the children. So mothers and grandmothers thought of a solution, the Dream Catcher.
They weaved webs for the children and calling them 'magical webs' using willow hoops, and they believed that these magical webs would protect their children from negativity and evil thoughts by filtering out bad dreams.
I leaned into the mythology of the dream catcher to initially protect myself from the dreams and nightmares I have been having all my life, but for an added measure I added some wolves into the design.
Wolves have many meanings and depictions depending on where you draw your influence from. But a strong trait of the wolf is that of loyalty and protection, a protection I was in need of against my own mind and thoughts whilst I slept.
I added a wolf into the dream catcher itself to reinforce the notion of protection from negative thoughts and dreams. But I also had a wolf put in amongst the trees and mountains, howling at the moon above it.
The forest and mountains bring me peace of mind as I walk amongst them, but are known to carry many dangers if you stray too far from the path. So I added a wolf into the landscape to watch over me as I travel through these areas that I love and to keep me safe should trouble ever arise.
The Dream Catcher was done by an artist in Australia, but the rest of the band was filled in by Justin from Time and Tide in Falmouth.
Twin Snakes
Jasmine chose to get her snake tattoo for two primary reasons. Firstly, because she is fascinated by the elegance of the snake form. Secondly and more importantly because her great uncle has a snake wrapped around a dagger tattoo which he got back in the '60s when tattoos were far more taboo than they are today. She wanted a visual reminder and connection to her extended family.
Delving deeper there are two snakes for a reason but the sense of dualism they evoke is effectively counteracted by the radiant sun at the top of the tattoo where their heads meet. Jasmine wanted a tangible symbol of emancipation and rebirth. Going through a breakup at the time she felt like she was shedding the skin of that relationship so that she could move forward and become someone better, stronger, healed.
The entwined Rose and Thistle represents my parent's union and mine and my three sisters' English and Scottish heritage. But it is also the principle tattoo, the root so to speak, spanning both shoulders that unites the rest of my father's body art. Our names and birthdates are inscribed beneath to serve as a visual reminder, he jokes, he can refer to when memory begins to fail.
He chose to put his trust in a renowned tattoo artist in High Wycombe called Woody who he hoped would understand the essence of what he wanted, which he did.
"This tattoo is for our heritage and my children, a permanent reminder of each of them" - Stephan Sharp 2021
Finding your way home
My Sister chose to get a Swallow tattoo during a year travelling in Australia. Lauren loves to travel but at this point she had been away travelling for a long time and was missing home, family and friends. She felt that she wanted to express in a very personal way that home was where her heart was and that she would always go back there and so she chose to do this with a tattoo. The permanence and creativity appealed but because the meaning was so important to her she wanted to be sure the artist listened to exactly what she had in mind. She chose the Swallow because wherever a swallow is they are always able to find their way home. Swallows are also one of the only animals that mate for life, something she knew she wanted for herself. A few months after getting her tattoo while still in Australia she met her future husband and a year ago they welcomed their baby boy into the world.
Lauren did her research and picked Bondi Ink studio because she had heard good things about them and loved Bondi beach, so it felt right.
"I got this tattoo as a permanent reminder of my travels in Australia, and now it reminds me of the place I met the love of my life" - Lauren Sharp 2021


"Statistics in Volcanology" by H. M. Mader, S. G. Coles et al.
Statistics in Volcanology is a comprehensive guide to modern statistical methods applied in volcanology written by today's leading authorities. The volume aims to show how the statistical analysis of complex volcanological data sets, including time series, and numerical models of volcanic processes can improve our ability to forecast volcanic eruptions. Specific topics include the use of expert elicitation and Bayesian methods in eruption forecasting, statistical models of temporal and spatial patterns of volcanic activity, analysis of time series in volcano seismology, probabilistic hazard assessment, and assessment of numerical models using robust statistical methods. Also provided are comprehensive overviews of volcanic phenomena, and a full glossary of both volcanological and statistical terms.
Statistics in Volcanology is essential reading for advanced undergraduates, graduate students, and research scientists interested in this multidisciplinary field.
Mader, H. M.; Coles, S. G.; Connor, Charles B.; and Connor, Laura, "Statistics in Volcanology" (2006). School of Geosciences Faculty and Staff Publications. 791.


text:
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Members Spotlight
Cooperation Canada Accessibility Statement
Cooperation Canada strives to ensure that its services are accessible to people with disabilities. Cooperation Canada has invested a significant amount of resources to help ensure that its website is made easier to use and more accessible for people with disabilities, with the strong belief that website accessibility efforts assist all users and that every person has the right to live with dignity, equality, comfort and independence.
Accessibility on cooperation.ca
Cooperation.ca makes available the UserWay's Web Accessibility Widget is powered by a dedicated accessibility server. The software allows Cooperation Canada to improve its compliance with the Web Content Accessibility Guidelines (WCAG 2.1).
The cooperation.ca accessibility menu can be enabled by clicking the accessibility menu icon that appears on the corner of the page. After triggering the accessibility menu, please wait a moment for the accessibility menu to load in its entirety.
Cooperation Canada continues its efforts to constantly improve the accessibility of its site and services in the belief that it is our collective moral obligation to allow seamless, accessible and unhindered use also for those of us with disabilities.
In an ongoing effort to continually improve and remediate accessibility issues, we also regularly scan portal.cooperation.ca with UserWay's Accessibility Scanner to identify and fix every possible accessibility barrier on our site. Despite our efforts to make all pages and content on portal.cooperation.ca fully accessible, some content may not have yet been fully adapted to the strictest accessibility standards. This may be a result of not having found or identified the most appropriate technological solution.
If you are experiencing difficulty with any content on cooperation.ca or require assistance with any part of our site, please contact us during normal business hours as detailed below and we will be happy to assist.
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Q: Deleting Text Substings with a Wildcards r I would like to delete a portion of several text strings which are part of a vector.  The instances I would like to delete are #.##oz.  Where # is any integer between 1 and 9 (inclusive).
FoodVector <- c("kraft easy mac cup 2.05oz each", "tuna kit bumble bee 3.05oz each", "lance cheddar cheese wh grain 1.50oz each", "some item 1.0oz")
The result should be:
[1] kraft easy mac cup each
[2] tuna kit bumble bee each
[3] lance cheddar cheese wh grain each
[4] some item 1.0oz

For something like this I would normally use gsub() or str-replace().  However I can't figure out the wild card language. For instance
gsub("*.**oz", "", FoodVector)

Results in:
Error in gsub("*.**", "", FoodVector) :
  invalid regular expression '*.**', reason 'Invalid use of repetition operators'

A: You can use gsub to delete all instances of a single digit, then a ., then two digits, then a space.
Note: Your description says integers between 1 and 9 and doesn't mention a space. This solution looks for digits between 0 and 9 and also looks for a space, in order to match the result shown in the question
gsub('\\d{1}\\.\\d{2}oz ', '', FoodVector)
# [1] "kraft easy mac cup each"
# [2] "tuna kit bumble bee each"
# [3] "lance cheddar cheese wh grain each"
# [4] "some item 1.0oz"

To address Rui's point below, you could allow the space to be before or after the d.ddoz
FoodVector <- c(FoodVector, '1.23oz some words', 'more words 3.45oz')

gsub('\\d{1}\\.\\d{2}oz | \\d{1}\\.\\d{2}oz', '', FoodVector)
# [1] "kraft easy mac cup each"
# [2] "tuna kit bumble bee each"
# [3] "lance cheddar cheese wh grain each"
# [4] "some item 1.0oz"
# [5] "some words"
# [6] "more words"

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaStackExchange


An energy performance certificate is produced after an assessor carries out an energy assessment on your property. The property is graded from A to E, the higher the points the better the energy rating. A 92(plus) being very energy efficient and G(1-20)being the least efficient.
If you do not have a valid EPC for the building on which you intend to install or wire to your solar PV, you should obtain one in order to identify the current energy performance and EPC rating of your building and any cost-effective measures you can install to improve the rating of your building.
If the EPC shows that your property is not currently at level D or above, you will need to install measures to improve the energy performance of your property and obtain a new EPC certificate showing a rating of level D or above before you apply for FITs.
Can I install Solar PV to get a level D certificate then apply for FITs?
In some cases this may be possible. However, you should be aware that if you decide to install solar PV on a building that has a rating lower than D and a subsequent EPC assessment shows that the solar PV installation has not improved the rating of the building to a level of D, you will be unable to obtain the standard tariffs without undertaking further improvements to the energy performance of your property and obtaining another EPC assessment.
This is because a generator must be able to provide as part of their application for FITs an EPC certificate showing a rating of level D or above for the building to which the solar PV installation is attached or wired to provide electricity.
Does the EPC rating requirement apply to non domestic properties too? What about farmers and barns?
The requirement for EPC level D applies in respect of both domestic and non-domestic buildings. There are limited exceptions – see paragraph 33 and 34 of the Phase 1 response document.
Are there any circumstances in which an installation could be eligible for the standard solar PV tariffs without needing to meet the energy efficiency requirement?
The only circumstance where an installation can be eligible for the standard solar PV tariffs without meeting the energy efficiency requirement is where a generator can demonstrate that it is not possible to obtain an Energy Performance Certificate (EPC) for a building that the installation is attached or wired to provide electricity to.
in many cases we expect that solar PV installations which are attached to a building for which it is not possible to obtain an EPC, will nonetheless be wired to provide electricity to a building that is able to obtain an EPC. For example, this might include a solar PV installation attached to a barn that is also wired to provide electricity to a farmhouse. In this example, the requirement would still apply and could be met if an EPC were provided demonstrating that the farmhouse was rated at EPC level D or above.
Because of this, application of the "exemption" will need to be considered on a case by case basis. In other words there isn't a list of exempt building types as in all cases it will depend on the particular circumstances.
Generators will need to satisfy FIT Licensees and Ofgem that it is not possible to obtain an EPC for a particular building in support of their application for FITs. This evidence could, for example, be in the form of a declaration or letter from an accredited energy assessor who has visited the site in question and who confirms that it is not possible to provide an EPC for the building to which the PV installation is attached should be submitted. Generators will also need to satisfy FIT Licensees and Ofgem that the installation is not wired to any other buildings for which it is possible to obtain an EPC.
Decisions on eligibility for FITs are ultimately a matter for FIT Licensees and Ofgem to make on receipt of an application for FITs, and not a matter that DECC can offer a view on. Ofgem will shortly be issuing further guidance for generators and suppliers on the changes to the FITs legislation resulting from the first phase of the comprehensive review, including the application of the energy efficiency requirement.


text:
Als Wirtschaftsgeflügel wird in der Viehwirtschaft Geflügel zur Fleisch- und Ei-Erzeugung bezeichnet (→ Geflügelproduktion). Die Züchtung des Wirtschaftsgeflügels kann sowohl in Reinzucht als auch durch Kreuzungen erfolgen.

In der Geflügelmast und als Legehennen werden meist Hybridhühner eingesetzt. Im Ökolandbau wird vermehrt auch auf Zweinutzungsrassen mit erhöhten Produktionskosten für Fleisch und Ei zurückgegriffen.

Einzelnachweise

Geflügelhaltung

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaWikipedia


You are the girl and these are IT! Simple sophisticated Art Deco style vintage lucite purple swirls dangle in delight from dazzling vintage purple rhinestones.
Large statement earrings that hang lightweight and full of retro style from comfy gold hooks.


text:
I've been easily grumpy lately. Mainly I'm okay though. This pandemic has made everyone at least a bit off, if they're taking it seriously. Those who aren't taking it seriously are some of the biggest causes of stress. If we were all being responsible then we could all relax a little.
Multiple friends are telling me that they're suffering depression. My mom has noticed every single person she talks to, as well as herself, are having more trouble finding the right words lately.
Yesterday my husband found a video from NJ where a flying saucer was spotted. It turned out to be a blimp but honestly, I wouldn't have been surprised.
2020 is insane.
I am not sure what my point is yet but I guess just wanting to say hi, I still exist and I'm glad you do too and the whole world is in this together. I'm typing in my phone and so I don't want to make a long post, I don't prefer typing without an actual keyboard.
Posted by Pamela M M Berkeley at 4:33 PM
I wondered if I was crazy. Each time I'd pray for God to lead me He would but this time I was just wandering around my parents yard. It was early and the dew was soaking my feet through my shoes. I was a little grumpy, as is my morning normal, but trying to be obedient and willing. I followed the nudge of God and He walked me right into the edge of the woods.
My parents have three acres, with about one and a half being woods. However, this little slice was only maybe twenty feet wide, a separation of us and our next door neighbor's acreage. What in the world could there be to see here? I was pray thinking something like, "oh, come on, God!"
Then, six inches in front of my face a chickadee, a tiny little puffball of birdy cuteness, burst into song. My eyes widened in awe and wonder as the little feathery dear sang to me instead of flying away or trying to hide in fright of the giant human invading his sacred tree.
Tears prickled my eyes and my heart swelled with love of my creator and friend. He had arranged this private seranade of love, a sheer delight for His beloved.
This happened years and years ago, before India, but for some reason it keeps coming back to my mind. My beloved God, my eternal love and His joyous surprise for me. I love Him.
Posted by Pamela M M Berkeley at 12:15 PM
There was a knock on the door. Ryan opens it and speaks to someone in Hindi then shuts it. "They're killing the bees, don't go outside they said," he informs us.
"Killing them?" I say, upset, "hopefully not! Bees are important. Hopefully he misspoke; last time they just moved them."
"Why are bees important?" Dreamer asks and we have a brief discussion about pollination and she's all in now too. She and Rider peer outside to see if they can see them killing bees.
"We're just the first floor," I point out, "they're probably warning everyone not to go outside, it'll be a while before they start." We live in a 14 floor high rise.
"They're looking up above us," Dreamer informs me. "If it's above us how can we see the bees?"
"Just wait," I say, because this has happened before, twice now since we moved in. A hive of bees moves in and they chase it off.
After a while suddenly it begins. Bees swirling outside. "Look!" I point out and we're all at the window.
There aren't that many, it's not a full swarm like I've seen before. After a few minutes I smell smoke, they're probably smoking them, not killing them. It's also possible that smell comes from a burnt neighbor's lunch but I'm hopeful it's the bees and they're humanely being transported away.
I see bees zoom past the window, and in the distance behind them I see echoes of similar movement far off. But at that distance it'd be birds swooping, not bees.
This causes me to sit and reflect. At some distance, the bees become invisible. Which makes me wonder: between me and those birds how many insects are flying that are invisible to my eye? How much of the world around me is visible and yet, I cannot see?
May 4- Puppers
First of all, May the fourth be with you.
Secondly, meet Lief!
At least that's what he looked like when we met him back in March. Ryan, the kids and I went for a family walk and came into a park and there he was. He had two siblings with him but he was the only one who didn't go fall asleep under a bush. Ryan and I knew it was insane. But we have also always wanted a dog and he wouldn't have much of a life as a street dog. He seemed about eight weeks and we took him home "on trial."
Dreamer named him. I asked her if she had thought of names for him thinking she'd come up with something fantastical I wouldn't want to yell in a park and I'd have to coach her into something more acceptable. But she said, "I was thinking... Leaf." I decided we'd spell it Lief, like the Viking, Lief Erickson, and loved it.
At first it was not that bad. Vex has been stressed but Princess was cool with the puppy at first. But now they're both stressed and that's not great. A lot of the issue is the puppy isn't yet house trained and I think they are upset by the dog rudely going all over and not covering it. And I'm obviously frustrated by that as well but he's still a puppy and I know he'll get there.
The kids love him, though his exuberance both delights and terrifies them. He's less nippy than he was when we first got him but still tries to play bite us sometimes. Mainly he's just jumping up on them in excitement too much. But I figure we'll tackle house training first and then worry about further training.
It's been pleasant that each evening we put Rider in the stroller and Dreamer and I take Lief for a long walk. He really needs a morning walk too but at this point I can't fit that in since my sleeping disorder has me too stupid to handle two kids and a dog at that hour safely. We have a terrace that functions as a small yard but if I leave him out there by himself for longer than ten minutes he starts barking. Our terrace is in the midst of our highrise apartment towers, of which we live on the lowest floor-- basically meaning if he barks out there he can annoy dozens of neighbors.
During the day it's getting to 110 degrees farenheit so really exercise needs to be morning or evening. Ryan doesn't get home from work until 2am, usually gets to sleep around 3 or 4am. Rider wakes up between 7 and 8:30. So I can't leave the kids with Ryan and take the dog myself. And a couple mornings a week I work once Ryan does wake up. The remaining mornings Ryan usually wants to sleep in. So for now one walk in the evening has to do during the weekdays at least. Tonight I took him out for an hour and a half walk though, solo, to hopefully help get some of that energy out. I am thinking I'll do really intense walks like that each weekend and we'll do our like 20-40 minute walks each evening during the weekdays. Once monsoon gets here in July and things cool off a bit maybe we can do an afternoon walk too.
Overall we're exited to have a puppers! We're a little worried about the cats and their stress, but hopefully once he's house-trained things will be smoother. I also hope we can figure out a good rhythm to keep his hyperness at a minimum. I don't think he's actually a high energy dog, Indian dogs spend most of their day sleeping and while they're active at night they're still just patrolling limited territory. So I think once he gets older one walk would be sufficient anyway, it's just getting through these puppy days.
May 3- Funny Moments
Decided to go with something briefer and lighter today: sharing a few funny moments with my kiddos. Rider just turned two by the way and Dreamer is a few weeks away from FIVE!
Yesterday we went on a walk with Rider in a stroller. There are bushes of flowers along the path in our society (apartment complex). Yesterday he reached out to grab a flower... and yanked a marigold plant up by the stem, but breaking at the root so I couldn't replant it. Oops...
On our walk tonight he got another flower, just the bloom this time and dropped it out of his lap. So Dreamer picked it up and gave it backed to him. He dropped it again. She gave it back. Then he obviously deliberately threw it. She said, "I don't want to give it back if he's just going to throw it."
I said, "(Rider), will you promise not to throw the flower again?"
He looked at me and said bluntly in cute toddler voice, "No!"
We all laughed. At least he was honest!
Overheard with no context a few days ago while they were playing together:
Dreamer to Rider, "Can you go out and hunt some animals and turn them into grapes? And also get me some tea?"
Several times in the past few weeks when Carsten is put on a stool to wash his hands, he walks away with a wet head. I would set him on the stool, put soap on his hands, turn the faucet on and then leave for a few minutes. He likes to play in the water and it's harmless. So when I got back I'd been assuming the wet head was caused by attempts to wash his face. Today I put him up there and stayed in the bathroom-- and saw him take his sister's toothbrush, run it under the water and proceed to brush his hair.
The other day I stood up and started leaving the room.
Dreamer said, "where are you going?"
"The bathroom."
Dreamer turned to Rider, "Let's follow her!"
Last week Rider is eating jam on bread, which he begged for. His hands get jam all over them, which distresses him. His solution? Wipe his hands in my hair! Then he starts shrieking angrily because now his hands are covered in jam and hair.
Dreamer wanted the watermelon in the fridge.
Me to Ryan, "Can you carve it up?"
Ryan sighs, "I'll see what I can do."
Dreamer eagerly, "I know you can do it, Daddy!"
Ryan amused, "Oh! Thank you for the show of confidence!"
"You're so BIG and STRONG! You can do it, Daddy! I know you can!"
Hope you enjoyed those little stories!
May 2- My Heart Poured Out
So we do have water right now, but we did briefly run out for a few hours earlier. And now there's rumors the temporary RWA has been dissolved... No idea. Craziness. No one seems to know what's happening. But that's not what I want to talk about today.
Earlier I was listening to a Christian women's podcast that reminded me of the lonely and bewildering time after moving to India. The first couple years here in India were very hard.
I wasn't really able to be open with the blog then. Indian culture cares way too much about what others think and honestly I was being emotionally abused by my in-laws then. People they knew were curiously reading my blog so I had to be vague. Sadly this transformed my blog into a less safe place for me. When I was pregnant with Dreamer suddenly I had critical commenters who were tearing me down when my blog had previously been my safe place. While I missed what blogging had been I was too emotionally raw and damaged to persist with the vulnerable style of blogging I had used for years and basically I've never really gotten back out there regularly.
We've worked through some of these issues over the past 6 years so I don't want anyone to read this, including my in-laws if they do, and think I'm saying this is who they are. But I need people to understand that the experiences I'm about to share utterly changed me for the rest of my life. If I am reclaiming my blog as a place that is free in Christ, I also need to be able to tell the truth. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Truthfully this is a writing of forgiveness. I'm not angry or hurting writing any of this and the purpose is just to shed light on one of the darkest valleys I've walked through so I can be honest going forward.
So it should be said that they had no idea what they were doing to me at the time. But it's also true they made no effort to understand. 90% of what they knew about me I'd had to volunteer because after like "so what do your parents do? How many siblings do you have?" and other basic questions they didn't even attempt to get to know me any deeper but 100% expected me to assimilate to their world.
I had never even been outside the US before moving to India and yet 6 weeks into living here my father-in-law berated me "What are using culture shock as an excuse for? When I went to America I figured it out the moment I got off the plane. You have already been here six weeks, culture shock isn't an excuse anymore!" I am a socially anxious person and we'd go out and I'd be all nervous but eager to socially interact with new people. I'd do my best, probably stepped on some toes unknowingly but was trying. We'd get home and I'd be verbally assaulted with a list of all the mistakes I'd made and told over and over again that I needed to just keep my mouth shut and observe until I knew EXACTLY how to behave like an Indian. When I tried to explain that like most people I'd learn faster through trial and error and people knew I'd just got here and didn't expect perfection they'd get angry at me talking back and tell Ryan to teach me better.
I was desperate for social interaction and friends in part because I'm an extrovert. Ryan and his parents all were working full time. I was alone all day and forbidden to go out alone because "who would get the packages?" I remember being like "well who got the packages before I moved here?" But really it was about control and fear. It was less than two weeks after I moved here that the infamous Delhi bus rape in December 2012 happened and his family and him were terrified of something happening to me. His mom spent every evening for two weeks telling us all the newest grisly details of the crime, she was obsessed. It absolutely terrified Ryan and I remember wanting to walk like 500 yards to a store to get like a soda or something and him begging me not to go with tears in his eyes because he was so scared. He was being emotionally abused too though it took me a few years to really realize how much. I felt imprisoned.
I remember one time, months in when things were a little more relaxed telling Ryan's dad I was going to the store to get a drink then going to the park to paint. Ryan had bought canvasses and paints for me because I was desperate for a creative outlet. I got to the park and set up my canvas and it was amazingly blissful and exactly what I needed. I felt relaxed and at peace. But when I'd only been there 20 or 30 minutes suddenly Ryan's parents car pulled up and they barked at me angrily to get in. I did, bewildered and frustrated. Well apparently Ryan's dad had misheard me and thought I had said I was going to the store to buy paint and when I hadn't gotten back in a reasonable time frame they'd all jumped in the car driving around looking for me hysterically thinking I'd been murdered, raped or kidnapped and now were totally pissed off at me despite the cause of the stress being Ryan's dad mishearing me and not anything I'd done. I felt so oppressed and frustrated.
And Ryan's mom had a heart attack two months after I moved to India, one month before the wedding. Frustratingly it was after the first time I lost my temper with her. My mother-in-law has a very caustic way of communicating. She does it with Ryan too, but when he gets frustrated he'll tell her off and they'll argue and then all is well. But if I wasn't peaceful and demure I was the "rudest person on earth". I was just supposed to take it. So after several months I didn't take it anymore and I bit back and for the very first time treated her the way she was treating me.
The next morning when I woke up she looked very gray and I asked her if she was okay. She said she'd woken up with chest pains and they weren't going away and she was staying home from work. His dad had gone to work. I was very concerned and begged her for hours to get to the hospital. But she said no, and was trying to clean the living room. Ryan was reluctant to force his mom to do anything she didn't want to but started to realize maybe I was right. So he suggested maybe we could call his dad to come back and get her and finally she agreed if he came she'd go to the hospital. So we called, it was just after lunch. He took a few hours to get home, I think he only left work an hour or two early at most. He clearly seemed irritated that we were making a fuss, he openly stated it wasn't a attack. But we all went to the ER. My FIL turned white when after tests they told us indeed she had had a heart attack. But instead of being glad that I had persisted and got her to a hospital many hours earlier than she would have gone if I hadn't been around he blamed me and gave me the silent treatment for many weeks. And while she had been sweet and appreciative of the care I'd shown during the attack after talking to him she decided it was all my fault too.
She had only known me for two months before the heart attack. At the time her health was poor enough that whatever incident next stressed her would have caused it, which happened to be me. But life is stressful and it still would have happened. Happily, since then she got on heart medication and as long as she walks regularly she keeps her diabetes managed. She's had one cardiac event since then but it wasn't an attack and she just needed her medication adjusted.
But way back when I was new to India being blamed for this was so traumatic. Even Ryan was like "well it's not your fault but don't you think you had a part to play?" I was like she's been mean to me almost every single day and I return in kind once and suddenly I'm responsible for her heart attack?
One time we were at a meal and I asked my MIL to pass me the salt. Suddenly my FIL lurched up and started screaming about how I was the rudest, most awful person in the world and how dare I talk to her that way. He told Ryan to "control his woman" and make me keep my mouth shut. Praying silently with all the self control the Holy Spirit could give me I said not a word and got up from the table and went into the bedroom while I heard him scour me and yell about my flaws for like 45 minutes. Afterwards my MIL and Ryan came in and asked me why I said what I'd said. I told them all I'd done was ask MIL to pass me the salt. Their jaws dropped. I forget what it was my FIL thought I'd said but basically he'd misheard me and exploded irrationally over a misunderstanding. However he never apologised for that or anything else he's ever done to me. Which made me upset and unable to forgive this for years but finally I grew past it. Ryan says he's never apologised to Ryan in his entire life for anything. And I've heard from others this is very common of Indian parents, especially fathers.
As an American to me an apology is the foundation of all reconciliation. If you aren't even willing to admit you were wrong verbally then you aren't actually sorry in American culture. Period. Actions are nice but without a verbal acknowledgement of the wrong doing they seem empty to me. However after literally years I've come to a place where I can forgive even without the apology. I've come to accept it's cultural and the American way is not the only way. But it saddens me. I feel like apologies done honestly are one heart humbling itself in repentance and without that while I can forgive now, it's hard to have any trust. If you can't admit when you're wrong, you're not able to be fully honest; if you can't be fully honest you're not someone who can ever be trusted.
One thing I wish I'd known then but had had no idea is why my MIL was so angry at me. Like a year and a half or two years after my marriage a woman from her church told me that "the way Ryan went about the engagement was so wrong" and I asked what she meant.
Apparently in India engagement is a formal event, like a party, with a ceremony. Ryan and I had realized quietly we'd get married within two months of meeting each other without even letting each other in on it. But as our relationship progressed we kept talking about "when we get married" and in time that turned into actual plans like me deciding to move to India and getting my passport. As we got to the getting a visa and a plane ticket stage my family was freaking out because I'd never even met Ryan in person. We'd been dating over two years but he was a total stranger. They were afraid I was going to be trafficked. I told Ryan we definitely can't have me moving to a foreign country if we're not even formally engaged! And if you don't get me a ring they won't believe you're serious. So we picked out a ring on Etsy and mailed it to me and once I got it resized I took a ring shot, put it on Facebook and we both changed our status to "engaged."
In India apparently my MIL was getting phone calls congratulating her on an engagement that she didn't know had happened. She was humiliated. Now I wasn't a secret, she and I had talked on the phone a couple times, but she was upset by the way it had been handled. But she didn't tell Ryan or I that. She instead told the ladies at church.
If I had had any idea than I totally would have been all for an engagement party/ceremony. Sure we'd done a ring picture and a Facebook status change but everyone knew we weren't in person so I'm sure her community would have been happy to celebrate with us once we were. But she never told Ryan or I that was something that mattered or needed to be done and since in America engagement parties tend to only happen with the wealthy it never crossed my mind I just knew I was twisting myself inside out trying to please her and failing miserably no matter what I did.
The wedding itself was sort of a highlight of my relationship with my FIL in those early days. Someone insulted us because we were having a civil marriage for legal purposes-- religious marriages are under a different law in India and foreigners who marry that way have difficulty legally with visas and stuff after. But another Christian told us we weren't having a "real marriage" because it wouldn't be in a church. My FIL came to our defense so fast! I felt a lot of love for him then. And I still do when I remember that. I do actually love both of them, it's just a very complicated love.
I was never cleaner than when I lived with her. But she was furious at how "messy" my room was. She'd go complain to Ryan then send him to take it up with me, putting him in an awful position. And I remember one day when I heard her voice slip out of his mouth "is this how you kept your room at your parents house?!" And I burst into tears saying, "My room was NEVER this clean at my parents house! This is the cleanest I have EVER BEEN and I can't do better" and I sobbed hysterically and Ryan totally melted and held me in his arms and let me have a melt down.
I'm an artist, a people lover, an intellectual and a God girl. I like to occupy my mind with beauty, politics, the theology expressed by a flower, the economic status of Finland despite not really being into economics or any connection to Finland. I love people and love learning about them. I eschew shallow talk but adore exploring the depths. And most of all I just shrivel up when my mind is occupied with only the monotonous material. Like I can do dishes but I don't want to think about doing dishes. Doing dishes is a good time for prayer or phonecalls or for podcasts or blaring a TV from another room. If my mind is feasting on the life of a friend or the goodness of God or on the next election then I can do the dishes and it doesn't stress me out much. But if I actually have to think about the dishes (or the laundry or picking up trash or sweeping or etc) while I do it then I just am crushed under the weight of the stress that descends on me. Cleaning and other simple practical material things are extremely, extremely stressful for me. But my MIL only cared about those things. I'd spend hours doing dishes or laundry only to be told the ten ways I did it wrong. And there wasn't much else to do.
I should have just not worried about it. Looking back I wish I'd shaken younger Pam and told her "don't kill yourself, no matter how hard you try she won't like you!" But I desperately was seeking her approval. I wanted her to like me so bad. So I kept just letting her treat me miserably, swallowing 99% of my misery and only exploding when it was something super serious. But I was losing it and falling apart inside.
One side effect of moving to India was my hormones shifted to allow weight loss. I have PCOS and no matter how hard I tried in the US the scale wouldn't budge. But after a very short time in India I'd already lost 8 pounds even though I was doing zero exercising and was actually eating a lot of fast food because if we went out they were worried outside Indian food might give me "Delhi belly" so we'd always get McDonald's or Domino's or KFC. In America I'd have fast food once a month maybe and here I was having it twice a week and still losing weight without trying.
So I started trying. And it worked. For the first time exercising and eating less actually equaled weight loss! I'd been frustrated to tears attempt after fruitless attempt in America, always gaining never losing. But now weight loss was "easy" which is to say if I ate less, I lost. I didn't have to put in a fraction of the effort I had put in America to get a zillion times better results so it seemed easy when really it's just what normal people experience when they try to lose weight.
"Wow! You look fantastic, it's obvious moving to India agrees with you! You look so much happier!" That was what I was hearing from family and friends in America. And it wasn't true of course, I was on the verge of a mental breakdown from the stress of living with emotional abuse but oh how good that felt to hear!
It doesn't take a genius to see mentally being unhealthy already paired with finding validation in weight loss equals developing an eating disorder. Especially since I felt so trapped, unable to leave the house unaccompanied without anyone freaking out, being treated like a stranger, unfairly blamed for the heart attack, etc. I wanted to take control back of one part of my life. So I began eating 500 calories or less each day. Took pleasure in eating a single slice of cucumber or making sure I drank 3 liters of water before I'd allow myself more calories.
It took only three weeks of this behavior before a sensible part of my brain said, "Hold up what the HECK?!" And I went to Ryan, confessed my newborn anorexia and told him that if he didn't find us an apartment of our own in the next three weeks I was packing my suitcase and living on the streets because it would be an upgrade from spending one more day under that roof. We fought for several hours but ultimately he did what I asked.
This didn't solve everything as sensible people might imagine. I wasn't one of those though. I thought as soon as we got away from his parents we'd be freeeeeeeeee and we'd be the happy newlyweds we were supposed to be. But Ryan was resentful about how we moved out and his mom's fearful influence did not cease. He'd agree to let me go out by myself then have a phone call with her and be in tears again. She fed his fears and it was extremely noticable because if he went a few days without talking to them our marriage would start to improve-- then she'd call and we'd be fighting again.
Not that that was the only thing we fought about. Ryan had never lived away from his family and had had no idea how much I was compromising. I had been allowing his family to oppress me, giving them their way in 80-90% of matters. So when we got our own place I was like FREEDOM and wanted to do everything in a more natural and happy and joyful and comfortable way to me-- but of course having only ever lived with them, this was all crazy town to him. From doing the laundry or the dishes differently to different meals or rhythm of the day etc it all was making him very uncomfortable. Meanwhile I got two kittens.
Now I had totally asked Ryan and he'd totally agreed I could get them. But then he turned around and for the next 4 or 5 years he would fight with me every time they annoyed him talking about how I "made" him get them. Which I resented since of course I hadn't made him do anything, I just held him to the choice he had made. In my family culture if you get animals, you commit to them. So we weren't going to adopt cats and then get rid of them just because they knocked down a coffee mug! And I took it very personal because to me I'd given up my country and my family and my friends and my church and moved to a foreign land where I didn't know the language (and he didn't pay for classes for me) and I wasn't free to go find friends easily (because his parents seemed to have spies on all my social interactions) and I just wanted something familiar, something joyous, something loving and to me that's obviously pets. My family adores pets, I've always had them. In some way to me I was trying to create family for myself in a land where I was so alone. So him attacking that and threatening to get rid of them all the time was him attacking my family and my right to have family in India. To me he was saying while I had to maintain a relationship with people who had emotionally abused me to the point of developing an eating disorder and he'd get furious whenever I said anything bad about them and instead had to go have dinner with abusers all the time and keep my mouth shut for his sake, he couldn't abide living with two innocent kittens with zero malice for my sake.
It was bad.
Additionally he was having meltdowns because the house was messy. Which to me was him pulling a bait and switch. When we were dating I'd told him I was messy. I'd even taken a picture of my bedroom which was like 6-10 inches high in laundry and the floor wasn't visible. I was honestly afraid he'd break up with me and was being incredibly emotionally vulnerable. And he amazingly lovingly didn't care. He told me it'd be a relief to not be married to someone as clean as his mom, that he was messy and would be relieved to not be lectured at for his mess. I was so happy and relieved and even more in love. And now here we were getting our own place and every single day he was railing on me about the mess. Thirty or forty times per day, no exaggerating. We lived within walking distance of coffee shops and I dreamed of taking my laptop there and chilling and writing but I never did it because every time I tried I'd be leaving the house with something undone and pause and think about how angry and mean Ryan would be when he got home and stay to do that thing instead. And then whenever he did get home he'd beeline to whatever I hadn't gotten to and focus on that. So if I spent the whole day at home cleaning and got the kitchen and living room and laundry done but the bed wasn't made and the bathroom was messy that's what I'd hear about. I was miserable.
Then I got dengue fever. And I couldn't get out of bed for three weeks. And the house disintegrated around us and I thought finally! Now that I am not doing it he'll realize how much I want doing and finally appreciate me and be kind and grateful going forward.
Nope. He was just angry about the mess.
And then I found out that I was pregnant. And I was so exhausted. My first trimester fatigue was insane. I realize now with hindsight that the dengue was probably the reason, it had forced me to lose stamina being on bedrest and I hadn't yet recovered (I'd had the dengue when I was unknowingly four weeks pregnant.) But then I was just frustrated and upset because I only energy for like 2 or 3 hours of activity a day and otherwise just needed rest. So of course the mess multiplied. And my parents couldn't miss how stressed I was all the way from America and talked to Ryan and began sending me money to hire a once a week maid. Which helped.
The second trimester came and I recovered and we had one good month when I had energy. But this was also when I really lost my blog. I was frustrated with being a slave to housework by both his mom and then Ryan and posted about Mary and Martha and how I was more of a Mary type and Jesus Himself said that was the better way so why do we, Christian women, still expect everyone to be Martha. And the comments were so unkind. Up until then I had relied on my blog as a safe zone to escape the stress of my new life and suddenly I was being attacked. It broke me. And I knew that the readers didn't know how much this messy/housework thing had been causing me suffering over the past year, but at that time I was too afraid to post about it, knowing his parents would hear from someone about it and then they'd yell at Ryan who would yell at me. And at that point I kept blogging but I never had the same relationship with the blog again... Though I'm trying to get something close back with this post.
It was also then that we picked out a new apartment because the little newlywed place we got was a third story (American fourth story) walk up that was 540 SQ feet. But as I said walking distance to coffee shops and shops and restaurants.
Our new place was 1000 sq ft and further out. And was where we lived until just a few months ago, we stayed there over four years.
But a few weeks before the move I began bleeding. An infection was attacking my placenta and I was put on immediate full can't even sit up bedrest. Needed to keep the pressure off of the placenta until it healed and even after that I was on modified bedrest until 37 weeks. I couldn't even blog because I couldn't sit up and my laptop had broken and the only place to blog was Ryan's desk top. This meant Ryan did the move without me and I couldn't really organize my new home or nest. I had one week of freedom of movement and then she came at 38 weeks.
During my bedrest the mess of not having me clean was driving Ryan crazy. He also didn't know how to cook at all. I had to walk him through making toast. He begged me many times to violate the bed rest and I felt so attacked and alone having to oppose him for the health and life of our child. I was so scared. The whole time I only violated the rules of bedrest once. A friend from the US was in India. I was so lonely. I felt so misunderstood. I ached and longer for that connection. She was touring India and briefly was in Delhi and they couldn't come all the way to us like to our house but suggested she could meet us at a mall so I went out and went to the mall and sat in the food court and waited and waited. And finally she sent a message saying things are crazy and she wasn't going to be able to make it and Ryan held me while I sobbed and lost it in the middle of the mall.
When Dreamer was born it was wonderful. But now I look back at realize I had post partum anxiety. I heard people say they'd wake up to see if their baby was breathing so I thought that was normal. But I'd do it four or five times a night. Every night. It wasn't until Rider was born years later and I wasn't nearly so anxious that I was able to see how anxious I really had been.
When Dreamer was two months old she got her vaccination and we went over to my in-laws for dinner afterwards. She developed a fever and was crying and my in-laws swooped her up and were trying to comfort her. And every cell in my body knew she needs her mother. But I also knew that just like any time I show any backbone, initiative or idea that they don't agree with if I had taken her out their arms they'd be furious and wrathful. So I sat on my hands in misery, my heart breaking listening to her wail. When we left I held her and she was happy. We went home and I nursed and snuggled her to sleep and realized that I had failed her. That I had known she needed me but hadn't advocated for her and had allowed his parents to once again diminish me but this time she was the victim. And I vowed not to allow that to happen again.
After that I got more assertive. When at three months my "slow to warm up" darling started tensing up in my arms whenever strangers tried to hold her I wore her in the baby carrier everywhere and refused to take her out to be passed around as many do with babies in India. The aunties were offended and I was told by probably a dozen women that I caused her shyness due to baby wearing but I knew actually I was just picking up on the body language she was already expressing that told me she was miserable with people she didn't know well long before she could talk. Let them blame me, I would take those social blows for her sake.
Once Ryan's dad drove us to the doctors appointment. He was outside the office while we were in the waiting room. But when the nurse called us in he saw us get up from through the window and suddenly he entered the exam room with us and I would have had to cause a scene to kick him out. Then he proceeded to ask the doctor questions-- every single one of them an attempt to assassinate my parenting style. Didn't baby wearing cause bow leggedness? Shouldn't breastfeeding be supplemented with formula? Etc. Thankfully our doctor, without knowing it, supported every one of my parenting decisions.
When we got to the car Ryan's dad said he thought the guy was a quack and we should get a new paediatrician.
When we got home I turned to Ryan, "Can you BELIEVE your dad?!" And he was like "what are you talking about?" He didn't understand and hadn't realized his dad had done anything "wrong".
Which was a lot of the trouble. Ryan would take any anxiety or frustration or fear on my part about being with his parents as a "lack of trust" in him. He'd say "just trust me and I will put my parents in their place if they cross a line, just let me do it because you don't know how to talk to them." But then something as insanely outrageous as probably the most blatantly aggregious thing his dad ever did to me with this doctor visit and he was totally oblivious. Truth is at least 50% of the time that his parents were being controlling, unreasonable, unkind, rude, or otherwise hurtful completely flies over Ryan's head. But he'd get mad if I tried to set boundaries or talk to them directly.
Finally it all came to a head. Ryan's mom always unkindly complained we didn't change our curtains enough each time she'd come over. In America you buy curtains and you keep those curtains for several years, maybe a decade. I told Ryan this and he was like "and you don't wash them?!" Well, no, you do. But you pull them down throw them in the washing machine, pop them in the drier then hang them back up two hours later. For that brief time yes, the windows are bare. No one cares.
But in India you change the curtains every few months, at least if you're Ryan's mom. So she was getting frustrated that each time she came over the curtains were the same. So one day she came over and gave us new (used) curtains. They were a muted dark pink and I did not like them at all. And I thought in my head that if I accept them I knew I would never hang them up. And she'd come over next time and when she saw the same curtains (that I liked) up she'd be upset and it would cause drama and in the end I'd either be forced to admit that I thought they were ugly or put them up (and I wasn't going to be usurped in my own house anymore.) So having played this out I smiled and thanked her for the curtains but gently said, "but they're not my style" and refused them. And she looked a little hurt but was accepting that and I figured being upset for five minutes was better than a fight down the line...
When my FIL exploded. It was like "pass the salt" all over again! My MIL kept trying to calm him down but he was like "NO! NO! Her rudeness won't be tolerated!" And he screamed at me for like ten minutes then stormed out. My MIL lingered for like 30 seconds to convey she wasn't actually upset and didn't know what his problem was, but after she went home with him he talked her into being angry too.
This was a few weeks before I was going to America to visit for the first time. Ryan had supposed to join us, to get to meet my parents for the first time and see my world. You have to remember and understand Ryan doesn't have context to understand how much I sacrificed and bent myself over backwards and that's part of why he was so unreasonable. He would see a situation and know what he expected of me and see me fail to meet it and get upset. Not understanding that if I was like a foot away from meeting his expectation I was 30 feet outside my comfort zone. But a trip to America, meeting my family and seeing my culture and most of all seeing how they talk to me and how they treat each other-- I bet it'd set light bulbs off many times a day as I began to make more sense to him. But I don't know for sure because the US denied his visa (and we haven't had the budget for another trip yet.) So we were upset about that already.
And now this ridiculous curtain fight was hanging over our head.
Finally I told Ryan I needed to stop this going through him thing. They may hate me being "direct" but holding back was damaging all of us. And so we called them over and I prepared a speech.
I talked to them about all the stuff I've been telling you and more. I talked about how they never tried to look at it from my point of view, that we are talking two different cultural languages and every time there's a misunderstanding they assumed the worst. I illustrated this with an incident from the first week I had arrived. I'd unpacked in their guest room and wanted to be neat and tidy. So I'd put all my shoes in the bottom of the wardrobe because clean Americans keep their shoes in closets. My MIL had been disgusted I'd keep my dirty shoes in the cabinet with my clean clothes and had asked Ryan to ask me to move them because that was just filthy. But I explained I'd actually gone out of my way to put my shoes in the wardrobe as an effort to be clean and she'd culturally misinterpreted it be messiness, the exact opposite of what I'd intended. And how that was a common pattern in our communications. I talked about the pass the salt incident and how I'd decided refusing the curtains would cause the least hurt feelings and drama. I talked about many hurtful things they'd said to me, including at least one I've not written about here because I am still struggling to forgive it and I am trying to only write about things I've already forgiven and moved on from. I talked about how in my culture you can "agree to disagree" and disagreement has no relationship to disrespect and indeed some of the people I have respected most in life are people I don't agree with, but adore anyway. And how what they call "directness" is just abhorring dishonesty. That if they ask me a question I give an honest answer and if they say are you going to hang up this curtain I'd say no because that's honest. How I had decided years ago to take the Bible seriously when it says Satan is the Father of all Lies and I will not do one thing and say another like they want and expect me.
My vulnerable sharing of my heart went completely over my MIL's head. She said how can we speak different cultural languages when we both speak English?
My FIL seemed receptive and he was upset but he listened and since then he's not had had a crazed outburst like the salt or the curtains that I can remember.
But afterwards he and my MIL didn't really say much at all. And they left. And a few days later I went to America with Dreamer for five months.
They didn't mention any of this during our few phone calls while I was there. And I really expected us to talk when I got back... But we didn't. It was just there in the air, unacknowledged. Which basically there's nothing more stressful than that. Our relationship began to improve though because I began to speak for myself a bit more and I began (indirectly through Ryan) laying down boundaries. Actually it's super sad because I wanted Ryan to be open about the boundaries and he refused. So I'd have to head my MIL get upset every time we'd say no to something.
For example, when Dreamer was a newborn baby my ILs mentioned having her over for sleep overs. That very first time they mentioned it I told Ryan I wouldn't be comfortable with that until she was like eight. I don't know why eight, but it seemed right. Ryan was shocked he thought that was crazy but I told him I didn't think it'd be right for either of us to be forced into allowing our daughter into a situation we're uncomfortable with and if we weren't in agreement the default should be not allowing that. He reluctantly agreed, but every weekend nearly the next three years or so he'd get asked by his mom about Dreamer sleeping over and say no. It's insane.
But when like a year ago I tried to show her some respect and told her outright that I wasn't comfortable with it and didn't see myself becoming comfortable with it for years... Well that was a mistake.
So I have learned and haven't pressed other boundaries which Ryan and I actually know the "rules" about but my in-laws exhaust us all by pushing against constantly testing our limits because apparently telling them "we don't allow X" so that they stop trying for X is somehow worse than this. Sigh.
But whenever I get twisted up about my MIL I remind myself of one particular incident. I was so used to her twisting my words and overanalyzing my tone and reading into it twenty or thirty nuances that don't actually exist that I decided I was way too anxious to call her to wish her a happy anniversary. But my MIL has this obsession with people "wishing" each other on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. I don't really understand the rules, but basically while if on my birthday people wish me happy birthday I'm pleased but I don't notice or care who forgets to do so, she's all about that and notices and holds a grudge. So I decided I would text her. I thought about texting my FIL, but the truth was at that point I'd literally never sent him a text so I decided that'd seem weird and plus she could share the "wish" with him. So I typed "Happy Anniversary 😊". I figured the smiley face ensured it couldn't be misinterpreted as anything negative.
So my MIL first contacted Ryan and tells him why is she texting not calling? And don't think we didn't notice she didn't wish FIL! We know that that means!
Ryan assured her it meant nothing. This made her angrier.
So a few hours later she's sent him an email basically disowning him as a son saying even if she was dying in the hospital she wouldn't tell him and Ryan is crying.
And I'm like... Wow.
The entire day my only interaction with her was "Happy Anniversary 😊" and this is what happens.
And suddenly in that moment it became clear. None of this has anything to do with me. All of it was and has always been about Ryan and his mom (and dad.)
If he had married an Indian, it all would have still happened. I mean she'd probably be neater, but no one could have been neat enough for his mom. Whomever he married would have "caused" her heart attack because the stress of him marrying anyone at all would have triggered it. Anyone who Ryan could have wanted to marry would have displeased his mom because a) she wasn't ready for him to marry and b) she'd probably only be okay with him marrying someone who shares her exact same values and priorities. But Ryan wouldn't have married that person.
That's what Ryan and I have in common. We share a heart for the same things, we share values, we both adore Christ. But sadly so much has held us back from pursuing him together. And there's a direct correlation between his parents and this because Ryan's a loving son who wants to "honor his mother and father" but what his parents want for us and those places and times we hear the Lord are just completely opposite. I have realized there is no way to please my ILs and please God at the same time, at least as things have been. But I am hopeful that if we pursue God then they'll see His light in us and be transformed at least in their expectations for us and be happy for us. But I'm okay if they're not.
But Ryan's still torn in two. And it's still hard.
He's told me many times to write something like this. He's told me to be open and "don't worry about what people think" a million times. I've talked about writing something like this and how it might upset his parents and he's told me not to worry about that. So when he called in the middle of me writing this and I told him what I was writing I fully expected him to be my cheerleader. Instead he freaked out on me. Said he's worried it'd upset his parents.
I am so upset because it feels like after six years of marriage we're still here. I was writing this as a way to say hey, this is behind us. We have worked through most of this. I see his parents and I try hard to be myself though it's certainly uncomfortable and unnatural after our history. And when they read into things stuff that doesn't exist, I tell myself as long as I wasn't trying to hurt them and I was honest then I can't do anything if they choose to manufacture complicated lies in their heads instead of just believing the simple truth. But Ryan still feels a burden to refute lies we didn't create, to take responsibility for stress we didn't instigate, to suppress the truth so it doesn't upset them.
Anyway this is why I stopped blogging. And I won't let it stop me anymore.
Posted by Pamela M M Berkeley at 3:55 AM
May 1- RWA Water Woes
I've decided that I miss writing on this blog and that I'm going to restart by writing a brief post, unedited, while putting the kids to bed each night in May. My kids fight sleep so I end up spending a lot of time in the bedroom. It's time I can't really do anything practical like the dishes but maybe I can write a little note.
Tonight after they drift off I have to go finish some laundry and do the dishes. We have an insane situation going on here. Tomorrow we may not have any water. In November we moved to a new "society" (apartment complex) in November. We love it in general, but there are politics ruining it. Basically there's an RWA (Residents Welfare Association) which is kind of like an HOA. They take the maintenance fees we pay monthly and pay the staff and organize events etc. Well the RWA who was in place when we moved in didn't hold elections to replace themselves like they were supposed to and haven't been transparent about how they are handling the money. So some residents went to the city and got an "ad hoc RWA" put into place whose duties are just supposed to be holding an election. But while they're arranging for that the bills still need to be paid and the ex RWA isn't paying it and the ad hoc doesn't have the authority to sign checks so now our garbage collectors are on strike and our gardeners. Tomorrow the plumbers go on strike and they think the water will be turned off because we've been having pipe issues and without the plumbers working on the main pipes we may have zero water. And in two weeks we'll lose electricity.
So I've been doing a ton of laundry today and before I go to sleep I have to get all the dishes done, bottles of drinking water filled and buckets of water for bathing and anything else filled. My guess is we'll do okay up to three days without water. Which would take us to the weekend where maybe we can go to Ryan's parents for showers and fill more containers plus there's always bottled water. But if we lose electricity... Well it's like 110 degrees out and if we can't even run ceiling fans...
Okay kiddos have drifted off. I had thought I'd share deep thoughts about the Lord and stuff because honestly that's most of what I've been thinking about but maybe tomorrow. I'll add some random photo for fun and press publish without editing so forgive any typos.
Singing Pilgrim
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E3 Expo 2009: Cool New Games for the Nintendo Wii
Delphi NAV300 Portable GPS Navigation System Review
Futurelooks' Spring 2009 Guide to Cell Phone Accessories
CES 2011 Video Coverage - nVidia Shows Off Beer Dispensing Gaming System the KegPuter!
PAX 2011 (PAX Prime) Seattle (Video) - NZXT Shows Tempest Elite 410, Pink Phantom and Sentry Mix Fan Control
Becoming a Master of the Digital Media Universe
CES 2012 – NZXT Shows Off Phantom 410 in New Colors and the Switch 810 Hybrid Full Tower Chassis (Video)
Stephen Fung
Shows & Events, Videos
Futurelooks has been following NZXT for a very long time. Ever since interviewed the company's front man, Johnny Hou, we realized just how hard it was for a fledgling company to do what they wanted to do and have people accept it. Now that the company is a little mature, Johnny and his team are finally getting the opportunity to create the things they've wanted to create from the very beginning. The first was the Phantom. And now NZXT has a new flagship case called the Switch 810. With some help from NZXT in Las Vegas, we've put together this look at this new case and more in full 1080p HD or you can catch it directly on YouTube.
NZXT Phantom 410 and New Power Supply Warranty
The Phantom is the case that really put NZXT into the race for mindshare. Its sports car like physique and curves made it a favourite amongst enthusiasts immediately. NZXT then came out with a more refined mid-tower edition called the Phantom 410 and it was also a hit at a crazy $99.99 US price point. Recently, they had a shout out to their social media network for suggestions on new colors. Three colors were chosen from that exercise and we now have a new White with Blue Trim, Black with Orange Trim, and a Black with White Trim version. The best part is that they'll still cost the same at $99.99 and now you'll have more colors to choose from for your next build.
Moving on, NZXT also wanted to make sure that you were aware of how great their HALE90 and HALE82 power supplies were. But it wasn't totally about the build quality, finish, efficiency or the modular construction. NZXT wanted to make sure you were aware of their industry leading cross-shipping warranty. As mentioned in the video, if your PSU were to somehow "bust a cap", just call up NZXT and they will ship a replacement PSU to you first so that you can get up and running again fast. This is good for three years from date of purchase and I have to admit, even I totally missed this crucial differentiating feature since we all obsess over specifications and build quality. Good on them!
The New Flagship Switch 810 Hybrid Full Tower Chassis
At CES 2012, NZXT released the next case that will solidify their position as a company that builds great looking and functional cases at a really affordable price. The new Switch 810 is a massive full tower chassis that has a design that is known as a hybrid. The hybrid part is related to the cooling and configuration options in this new case. Shin Feng, the man behind this new chassis, told us that the hybrid design was a way to allow people to configure cooling and noise the way they want. It employs elements of silent cases (like the opening and closing top vents) and provides for the ability to have the craziest water cooling system installed, or the largest heatsinks for a more passive cooling design. Or you can use a lot of fans and heatsinks. It's totally up to you.
The case uses a good selection of dust filters throughout which are easily removable, dual 120/140 fan support at all fan fittings, and support for massive 360mm radiators up to 90mm tall in a single fan configuration, though it was recommended that a good way to go was a 65mm tall radiator with dual fans for a push pull configuration. You'll of course get USB 3.0 support, pivoting internal cooling fans, modular drive bays, even a card reader as standard equipment. But I think the best part is the price. It's only $169.99 US and it's built way to good for that price. That's just how NZXT rolls and this case actually hits the market today. We've got more pics in the gallery below and we'll be doing one of our awesome video overviews of this case very soon!
Check out our complete listing of CES 2012 Las Vegas Articles and Coverage Right Here!
ATXCES 2012Computer CasesConsumer Electronics ShowHALE82HALE90Kitty MachLas VegasLiquid CoolingNZXTPhantom 410Shin FengSwitch 810XL-ATX
CES 2012 – ASUS Show Off New ROG X79 Boards, A Monster Workstation Board and WiFi Innovations for the Home (Video)
CES 2012 – CORSAIR Unleashes the 550D Silent Case, the 300R Sub $100 Case and SSD Caching For Every Platform (Video)
Stephen is front man, and Editor in Chief of Futurelooks.com. His interests include all things techie, but in particular, computer hardware, and cooking. When he's not geeking out, he's a father of three kids, Lexi, Tiberius, and Jaxon.
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