text:
Even Jokes
A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.
They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.
Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a "good morning."
One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said "I know we haven't been introduced but if you don't mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky."
"My false teeth are killing me."
"Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you."
"Oh please do..."
"Give me a da...
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"
He walked all the way to the airport and got home.
Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.
There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.
Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What...
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she whispered. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"You're so drunk you miscounted," said the wife. ...
I saw a girl crying, so I asked her "Where are your parents?" and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
Im not going to vaccinate my children, even if its "completely safe".
Im going to leave it to the doctor.
A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him
and whispers zombifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"
The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!
Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil...
Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But that is comparing apples to orange
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
"Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"
He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking.
This same hting kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the p...
Even during COVID, my church insists we line up and kiss the statue of Jesus on the Crucifix.
Have they never heard of cross contamination!?
Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.
As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...
What do you call someone who keeps talking even if nobody cares?
At my city, we have a zoo which is only filled with dogs. Even worse, there's only one breed of dogs inside the zoo.
It's a shih tzu.
My wife said "you arent even listening to me are you"
That's a weird way to start a conversation
I dont even know what borrowing language is...
But I'll take your word for it.
Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.
It was a rip-off.
Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.
You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.
Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...
...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!
An older white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went...
I spent $1500 on a limo the other day, but it didn't even come with a driver.
Imagine that, I spent all that money and nothing to chauffeur it
Even Santa can have a bad day.
There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...
Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.
He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...
My wife asked me if I'd like to spend the evening at home or go play a game of bowling.
So I told her that putting my fingers in sweaty holes where everybody had been before wasn't what I had in mind for tonight. And we went play some bowling.
even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14
Extremely basic
One day a horse asked God "Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?"
And thus the giraffe was born.
The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...
....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...
...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.
"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".
The nigh...
Jack Daniels couldn't be with us this evening....
.....but he's here with us in spirit.
A Jewish pilot and Chinese pilot are flying together for the 1st time.
An hour into the flight, the Jewish pilot says to his Chinese counterpart "I don't like the Chinese."
Stunned, the Chinese pilot replies "Why don't you like the Chinese?"
"Well" says the Jew, "the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor."
Even more stunned, he replies "The Chinese didn't bo...
I got my kid a trampoline and he doesn't even play in it
He just sits in his wheelchair and cries, so ungrateful.
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped...
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I ...
I hate when people use "big words" they don't even know the meaning, in order to look samrt.
For me, they are completely photosynthetic.
I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover's pizza
She's a vegan and I hate her fucking guts
America: "It's terrifying so many of us are dying to something we can't even see."
The Middle East: "We fucking know"
The drone pilot: "lol"
I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.
Damn I love being a sniper.
Applied so hard and got so far.. But in the end, i wasn't even hired
~ Linkedin Park
Not having sex tonight
One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,'I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me.'
I said,'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
"That's just simple thievery," the Irishman replied. "I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...
Even the Jewish people didn't believe they had an independent state.
So they called it IS REAL?
A man, tired of being cheated on, makes a resolution that he would only marry a girl who doesn't even know what a penis is.
He begins his search for the ultimate soulmate from his village. He sees a girl standing near a field, says "Pardon me but..." whips out his penis and asks, "do you know what this is?" "A penis" she responds and the man leaves the scene.
Unable to find anyone in his village after tens of tri...
A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.
"There's nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.
My wife left for a business trip one morning. And later that day our dog died. That evening, she called and asked how everything was and I told her, "The dog died!"
Crying into the phone she sobbed, "You could've broken the news to me gently!"
I asked her, "What should I have told you instead?"
She opined, "This is how you should've done it: First, you tell me she's on the roof. Then the next day, you tell me she fell off. Then the nex...
I took my new girlfriend out for a walk on a beautiful evening and...
.....we saw two dogs mating, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex'?
I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works!
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was re...
"I don't even know what the cloning machine does"
Well, that makes two of us
A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.
During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...
He's not even your father.
Son: dad, I wanna marry that girl in the apartment below us.
Dad: don't, I had a relationship with her mom. I'm afraid she turns out to be your sister.
Son: thenlet me marry the one in thr apartment above us.
Dad: forget that one too, I had it with her mom. I'm afraid she turns ...
I was arrested for illegal fishing even though there was clearly no "fishing prohibited" sign...
...apparently that's "very clear" if you're in a hotel lobby with an aquarium.
An old man was sitting on his farm porch one evening and saw a kid walk by holding a roll of duct tape.
Man: "where you going with that duct tape?"
Kid: "Duck hunting"
Man: "you don't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Kid ignores him and and hour later comes past with a few ducks.
The next day he's walking by with chicken wire.
Man: " where you going with that chicken wire?...
Even after my grandpa died 4 years ago, I still remember his final words
"STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE CUNT!!! "
I listened to him boast about standing head and shoulders above the rest and how he felt it was acceptable, even encouraged, to look down on others. I realized I couldn't cast a vote for this man.
He was a height supremacist.
A man awoke one evening to dis...
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator...
It's pretty sad that even though women have had the right to vote for 100 years now...
we still spend more time talking about mail ballots.
Who even needs a wife anyway?
How hard can it be to boil a toast?
A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.
Can you imagine to drive for miles and miles on the wrong side of the road without even realizing it?
Well, I can't, but the English are supposedly very good at it.
My shorter boyfriend left me even though we would have the most amazing sex.
He said id never understand him.
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice b...
I constantly tell dad jokes even though I have no kids...
...Guess that's what they call a faux pa.
I never get tired of jokes about dyslexia even though I have it.
I wish I could read all of them.
I'm 45 and I can't get school shooting jokes even though I have lived in America my entire life
I asked my friend and he said it's probably because they are aimed at a younger audience
Trump ends up in hell...
Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper. The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?" To this Little Jimmy replied, "I want some of them fuckin' peas." In a flash, dad slapped the shit out Little Ji...
One evening at the nursing home...
One evening at the nursing home the attendant finds one of the guests rubbing shoe polish on his penis. The attendant asks why he is doing this. He says, "They said it was daylight savings time." The attendant says, "No no, sweetie. You're supposed to turn your clock back."
It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore....
Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".
I don't even know where that is!!
Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?
Because they literally can't even
Life in Russia.
A girl from a kolkhoz became a prostitute. Even worse, she became a "Dolarnaya prostitutka" (one sleeping with Western tourists for dollars). After few years she came back for a visit. Head of the kolkhoz gave her an emotional speech in front of all kamerades: "Look at you! We all work hard 12 hours...
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
"I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs", he said
"By all means officer, just don't go in that field over there", I replied.
That cop exploded saying "Do you know who the fuck I am ?! I have the authority of the government with me", he shouted before pulling a badge out...
There was a story in the news this morning (really!), that researchers have determined that dogs can tell who is infected with COVID-19 with 96% accuracy, even before someone is symptomatic.
My dog is scaring me to death. He came over to me just now, wearing a surgical mask and face shield. I think he's trying to tell me something.
Also suspect that when you go to the hospital with COVID symptoms, they will do a DG scan. It's like a CT scan, only with a dog instead of a cat.
Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?
While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in tr...
One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .
The son never sits on the brutish umpire.
A new guy starts work at a bakery.
He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...
Someone saw an ad stating "I make your excellent birthday parties or weddings even better " then got curios and called the number on the ad then asked.
\- What do you do to make good birthday parties or weddings even better?
\- I sing on the cake.
Note: just a little cake day joke.
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint
You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall
What was the name of King Arthur's faithful sidekick who would go through the castle in the evening reading stories and tucking everyone else into bed?
Bill's had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun
It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.
So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.
When he finally arrived h...
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...
My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.
...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...
"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...
A guy picks up a lady of the night one evening.
After discussing a price he takes her home to have sex. Once they're done they lay in bed and the prostitute begins to caress and massage his testicles. It was ok and fine for the first couple of minutes but after 20 minutes the guy found it weird and says "You really have a thing for nuts huh?" She...
How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Did you hear that even with Covid, Trump just signed a new executive order?
He wants a complete overhaul of the poetic justice system.
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It is simple" billionaire boasts....
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensati...
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You do not even know what the carburetor si."
"I am tlling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Whe...
One evening, an Army Major Arrived at a Base
Feeling hungry, he went to the Officers' Club for supper. He sat at the bar and asked the waiter.
"What's good here, Soldier?"
The waiter snapped to attention, "Discipline, Sir!"
(This is supposedly a true story.)
As George got home a long day, his wife asked him to mow the lawn that evening.
"Why do I have to the lawn now?" he asked.
"Because the neighbors are going to think we are slobs, and lazy!" Martha said.
They argued for several minutes, and George threw up his hands. "I don't care WHAT the neighbors think!" he yelled. "In fact, I'll go outside right now and mow...
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, "What are you two arguing about?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it."
"You two should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
There's a Miss Philadelphia contest, there's a Miss Pennsylvania contest, a Miss America contest and even a Miss Universe contest....
I wonder why the town of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania has never had a beauty contest?
The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...
Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.
The other is the Sith.
John leaves the tent where he is with his girlfriend in the campsite late in the evening.
- John, where you go?
- I'm going to pee outside. Be right back!
Two minutes later when he sits next to his girlfriend:
- John! It's raining?
- Nah! Just a lil bit windy!
A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...
A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- "I think we figured out a solution, but you're not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop". ...
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes ...
This cop had just finished his shift one cold July evening and was sitting at home next to his wife.
"You won't believe what happened this evening, Hallie. In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Really?" She says. "Tell me what happened."
"Man, I came across these two dudes down by the river. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating firew...
A man is walking by a bar one evening
When he sees a sign in the window with the words "FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!"
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:
"Hey, you've got a sign out there talking about free beer, what's that all about?"
(The bartender)"Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says....
Someone asked an old man "Even after 70 years you still call your wife darling, honey luv. What's the secret?"
The old man replied " I forgot her name and i was too scared to ask her"
it's fucked up that for the 2020s we didnt even get the roarin part like in the past
we just went straight to the depression
A Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off....
Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.
"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"
"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"
"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"
An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?
A Brazilian!
You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.
"I have to go out, honey," he said to his wife.
"Oh no, not again," she said. "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes," replied her husband. "There are three doctors there already."
I went to a sad wedding
Even the cake was in tiers.
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
Man, I hate babies...
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Bec...
There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)
On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.
The King returned after a couple o...
My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my pussy...
... He's going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.
Sex pill
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she's back at the doc...
A mom takes her daughter to the doctor
The doctor says, "Okay, what seems to be the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don'...
My teacher asked me if π was a rational number even though she hadn't thought us the concept of rational numbers...
I mean that's just not rational.
It's easy to tell how big a woman's breasts are, but now it's even easier to see the biggest dick
They're the one not wearing a mask
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you're having. It only costs $...
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...
A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an "I am a Vegan!" t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..
All that before they even left the house!
I don't know why Donald Trump wants four more years.
He can't even handle 60 minutes.
An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery
As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.
He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."
The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"
The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...
I've been playing Bonopoly this evening.
It's like Monopoly, but the streets have no name.
So I went on a date with this woman who didn't stop using similes all evening...
I don't know what I metaphor.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Do not move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you are a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, ...
A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...
...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been think...
I had both my legs amputated even though only one had gangrene.
I had to sell the other one to pay for the surgery.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I g...
The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replies.
The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.
"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.
The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a...
In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down.
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one.
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sal...
The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.
in the evening, while she is sleeping.
Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:
\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...
Moses, Jesus, and an old man go golfing...
They've been going for a bit now and they're at the final hole. It's a large course with a big lake right in the middle of the fair lane, with the hole on the other side.
Jesus goes first. He hits the ball and it lands on the shallows of the lake. Jesus walks across the water and hits it and...
The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first.
Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!
I always make sure to get totally stoned before going to auctions, so even if I don't snag anything...
...I'm always the highest bidder...
I met a girl named Terese on Tinder. She was so guarded she wouldn't even tell me her last name.
She's just Miss Terese to me.
eveningevent plannereventevening standard christmas
levelsteadyequalstillyetsymmetricalflushflatregularevedusknightfalltwilightsunsetsundowndaydaytimedaylighttiedfifty-fiftysamejustifiedplanestraightsymmetrictruebecausemuchthoughtooperhapsnotactuallyindeedprobablyonceenoughthatcertainlysimplyfarlongerneverofteneveronlyrarelyjustlesshardly


Flume debuts new 38 minute mixtape 'Hi This Is Flume'.
Flume has had us hooked since his debut album in 2012 and has maintained his status as a musical genius, with consistent chart-topping EPs and LPs since. The latest drop - a mixtape titled 'Hi This Is Flume' - comes along with a full-length video.
We see Flume (real name Harley Streten) wander desolate wastelands, run through expanses of greenery,and fill up his car at a gas station at night - alongside trippy visuals and microscopic views of cells.
MusicFlume - 'More Than You Thought' music video.
MusicFlume previews new album, 'Skin'.
MusicFlume rejecting Lorde's invitation to hang out.
MusicFlume feat. Moon Holiday - 'Insane' music video.
MusicListen: Vince Staples' new album 'Big Fish Theory' feat. Flume, Justin Vernon & Damon Albarn.
MusicFlume teases collab with Glass Animals' Dave Bayley.
MusicMust-listen: Flume + Glass Animals = 'Fantastic'.
MusicFlume covers GQ Australia's 2017 'Men Of The Year' issue.


Hollywood's golden age may have passed, but the glamour and sophistication live on at MGM Grand. This self-proclaimed "City of Entertainment" has recently undergone significant renovations in an effort to recapture the elegance of Hollywood's heyday. Choose from more than 5,000 rooms and suites, 5 pools, five performing venues and Studio 54 - a recreation of the famed New York nightclub made famous in the '70s. Fans of chef Emeril Lagasse will be happy to dine at his New Orleans Fish House, and those itching to play have 3,500-plus gaming machines to choose from. The action is endless at MGM with a 30,000-square-foot spa and a state-of-the-art fitness center. There's also the Lion Habitat where visitors can observe as many as six adult lions from the safety of a see-through tunnel. And what Hollywood haven would be complete without shopping? If you'd rather have something to show for your money rather than empty pockets, head to one of the many specialty shops selling everything from fine cigars and jewelry to your standard souvenirs.
Main Attraction: The entertainment. Britney Spears, Elton John, the Rolling Stones, Neil Diamond and Cher have all performed here. What more can you ask for?
Dining Options: Choose NOBHILL for a meal inspired by the traditional neighborhood restaurants found in San Francisco; Emeril Lagasse's New Orleans Fish House for, well, fish; Mark Miller's Grill Room for Southwestern cuisine; Olio! for a hip dining experience; or Neyla for Mediterranean specialties. Other eateries include The Hollywood Brown Derby, Pearl, Dragon Court, Wolfgang Puck Cafe, The Rainforest Cafe and more.
Accommodations: MGM Grand has 5,005 guest rooms and suites from 446 to 6,040 square feet.
Fascinating Fact: MGM launders more than 29 million pounds of sheets each year. And nearly 22 miles of bedding is changed throughout the hotel each day.
Claim to Fame: It's the "City of Entertainment."
Entertainment Options: New in 2005 is Cirque du Soleil's show, Ka, that blends martial arts, pyrotechnics, and stunning acrobatics. Also, you'll find concerts, boxing matches and special events in the Grand Garden Arena; headline entertainment such as Tom Jones, Carrot Top and George Carlin can be seen in the Hollywood Theatre; and the La Femme Theatre is home to the show of the same name. And for visitors who'd rather dance till dawn, there's Studio 54 - a recreation of the original New York hot spot.
Activities: There are the 5 pools, complete with a 1,000-foot-long river pool, the shopping at Studio Walk, the pampering and exercising at the Grand Spa and fitness center, and the gaming at the enormous casino. Don't miss the Lion Habitat, either.
Casino Stats: 171,500 square feet of gambling room (that's the size of four football fields); 3,500 gaming machines including slots, tables and a remodeled race and sports book and Keno.
One of the grande dames of Las Vegas, the Tropicana first opened its lavish doors in 1957 and was quickly dubbed the "Tiffany of the Strip" by the Saturday Evening Post.
Renovated guest rooms, amazing pirate decor and a classic Cirque du Soleil show make this resort like a Caribbean paradise.
Since 1989 the Mirage has made a name for itself as a top-notch Vegas resort with all the trimmings of a South Seas paradise.


Use this tab to proactively track changes on the Virtual Machines (VMs) deployed on any of these sources—VMware ESXi server, VMware vCenter server or the Amazon Web Services, Virtual Private Cloud (AWS-VPC).
When monitoring ESXi hosts that are part of the VM-Series NSX edition solution, use Dynamic Address Groups instead of using VM Information Sources to learn about changes in the virtual environment. For the VM-Series NSX edition solution, the NSX Manager provides Panorama with information on the NSX security group to which an IP address belongs. The information from the NSX Manager provides the full context for defining the match criteria in a Dynamic Address Group because it uses the service profile ID as a distinguishing attribute and allows you to properly enforce policy when you have overlapping IP addresses across different NSX security groups. A maximum of 32 tags (from vCenter server and NSX Manager) can be registered to an IP address.
The firewall can monitor the VMware ESXi server, VMware vCenter server and the AWS-VPC environments and retrieve changes as you provision or modify the guests configured on the monitored sources. For each firewall or for each virtual system on a multiple virtual systems capable firewall, you can configure up to 10 sources.
in an active/passive setup, only the active firewall monitors the VM information sources. in an active/active setup, only the firewall with the priority value of primary monitors the VM information sources.
For information on how VM Information Sources and Dynamic Address Groups can work synchronously and enable you to monitor changes in the virtual environment, refer to the VM-Series Deployment Guide .
For IP address to user mapping, you can either configure the VM Information Sources on the Windows User-ID agent or on the firewall to monitor the VMware ESXi and vCenter server and retrieve changes as you provision or modify the guests configured on the server. Up to 100 sources are supported on the Windows User-ID agent; support for AWS is not available for the User-ID agent.
Each VM on a monitored ESXi or vCenter server must have VMware Tools installed and running. VMware Tools provide the capability to glean the IP address(es) and other values assigned to each VM.
To collect the values assigned to the monitored VMs, the firewall monitors the following attributes.
For VMware ESXi or vCenter Server, see Settings to Enable VM Information Sources for VMware ESXi and vCenter Servers . For AWS-VPC, see Settings to Enable VM Information Sources for AWS VPC.
Refresh Connected —Click to refresh the connection status; it refreshes the onscreen display. This option does not refresh the connection between the firewall and the monitored sources.
Delete—Select a configured VM Information source and click to remove the configured source.
The following table describes settings you can configure to enable VM information sources for VMware ESXi and vCenter servers.
Name Enter a name to identify the monitored source (up to 31 characters). The name is case-sensitive and must be unique. Use only letters, numbers, spaces, hyphens, and underscores.
Type Select whether the host/source being monitored is an ESXi server or vCenter server.
Description (Optional) Add a label to identify the location or function of the source.
Port Specify the port on which the host/source is listening (default port 443).
Enabled By default the communication between the firewall and the configured source is enabled. The connection status between the monitored source and the firewall displays in the interface as follows: —Connected —Disconnected —Pending (The connection status may also display as yellow when the monitored source is disabled.) Clear the Enabled option to disable communication between the host and the firewall.
Timeout Enter the interval in hours after which the connection to the monitored source is closed, if the host does not respond (range is 2–10; default is 2). (Optional) To change the default value, select this option to Enable timeout when the source is disconnected and specify the value. When the specified limit is reached or if the host is inaccessible or the host does not respond, the firewall will close the connection to the source.
Source Enter the FQDN or the IP address of the host/source being monitored.
Username Specify the username required to authenticate to the source.
Password Enter the password and confirm your entry.
Update Interval Specify the interval, in seconds, at which the firewall retrieves information from the source (range is 5–600; default is 5).
The following table describes the setting you configure to enable VM information sources for an AWS VPC.
Source Add the URI in which the Virtual Private Cloud resides in the following format: ec2.<your_AWS_region>.amazonaws.com. For example, ec2.us-west-1.amazonaws.com .
Access Key ID Enter the alphanumeric text string that uniquely identifies the user who owns or is authorized to access the AWS account. This information is a part of the AWS Security Credentials. The firewall requires the credentials—Access Key ID and the Secret Access Key—to digitally sign API calls made to the AWS services.
Secret Access Key Enter the password and confirm your entry.
Update Interval Specify the interval, in seconds, at which the firewall retrieves information from the source (range is 60–1,200; default is 60).
Timeout The interval in hours after which the connection to the monitored source is closed, if the host does not respond (default is 2) (Optional) Select this option to Enable timeout when the source is disconnected. When the specified limit is reached or if the source is inaccessible or the source does not respond, the firewall will close the connection to the source.
VPC ID Enter the ID of the AWS-VPC to monitor, for example, vpc-1a2b3c4d. Only EC2 instances that are deployed within this VPC are monitored. If your account is configured to use a default VPC, the default VPC ID will be listed under AWS Account Attributes.


As my title states, 2018 is upon us.
August: Ohio for Camping & Ultimate Frisbee, Indiana (again!), also went to Kingston for work!
One thing I noticed, was I got behind on posts real fast. I had too many pictures to sort through, and pare down. And I just wanted to share all my pictures! That wasn't really conducive for prompt, on-time posts. So my goal this year is to keep up with my posts! My proposed posting schedule is Wednesdays at midnight. If a lot happens one week, then an additional post may appear on Saturday!
My second resolution was to challenge myself to make my own curry spice blend. From scratch.
I'll still be catching up last year's activities while moving forward with this years.


In recent months, Greane Tree Technology has been working on high-profile, high-traffic web applications for clients. The resulting sites make extensive use of streaming video, social media integration, and responsive design.
Complex needed a web application that would fetch assets from the Ooyala video content management and analytics system, then display them in a stylish and user-friendly video portal or in widgets that could be deployed in other web properties. The software had to be built quickly to capitalize on trending content, but to withstand millions of views, it had to be built well.
Following the Agile methodology, Greane Tree worked with Complex to prioritize features and deliver functionality in small, well-crafted increments. Within two months of project start, the dedicated video portal, complex.com/tv, was launched. Since launch, the videos have been receiving about a million views per month. Greane Tree Technology continues to make enhancements, such as new Twitter Player Cards to facilitate video sharing via social media.
Complex is only one of the clients for which Greane Tree Technology has created applications integrating video and social media and supporting a high volume of users on multiple platforms. We're not yet at liberty to discuss the particulars of all our current work, but suffice it to say, the projects' high profile and technological interest keep us motivated and keep our skills sharp. Greane Tree is always looking for more top-notch developers; contact Annmarie Lanesey if you are interested in joining our team.


text:
Cancer Center Amsterdam
The Cancer Center Amsterdam is a multidisciplinary research institute that aims to innovate cancer care. We therefore focus on excellent research programs connecting fundamental and translational research with clinical studies and care.
Amsterdam Cardiovascular Sciences
In Amsterdam Cardiovascular Sciences, research, education and clinical activities are concentrated in five Research Programs that cover all aspects of basic and clinical Heart and Vessel related diseases.
Amsterdam Gastroenterology Endocrinology Metabolism
Amsterdam Gastroenterology Endocrinology Metabolism unites the research at Amsterdam UMC involved at the intersection of nutrition, microbiology, digestion, endocrinology and metabolism.
Amsterdam institute for Infection and Immunity enables multidisciplinary basic, preclinical and clinical research on fundamental aspects of infectious diseases and immunity during infection, auto-inflammation and cancer.
Amsterdam Movement Sciences
Amsterdam Movement Sciences strives to optimize physical performance in sports, health and disease, through interdisciplinary, translational research that covers the ranges from fundamental to clinical and from cellular to population studies.
Amsterdam Neuroscience
Amsterdam Neuroscience connects researchers and clinicians of fundamental, translational and clinical brain research. To collective accelerate knowledge into therapies for patients.
Amsterdam Public Health
Amsterdam Public Health is a research institute that connects researchers from multiple disciplines to contribute to the health and care for all people, respecting social, ethnic and cultural diversity and across the life course.
Amsterdam Reproduction & Development
Amsterdam Reproduction and Development studies the effect of environment, genetics, diseases and interventions on human reproduction and development covering the full circle of life: from gamete, through childhood to adult life.

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


Click the button below to add the 100 SYNTHETIC SPONGES 2.5" FOR ART, PAINTING, CRAFT to your wish list.
Hundreds of art, craft, household & hobby uses!
This wholesale lot features 100 long lasting, synthetic, silk type sponges. These sponges are used for everything from sponging down pottery prior before painting - to cleaning up your work area - to using for faux painting techniques and washes.
Decorative Painting, scrapbooking and stamping are all crafts that use sponging techniques for applying paint to your projects. These sponges have pores so you can achieve that sponged look.
Don't let the price fool you, these sponges are high quality and are soft and pliable. Save money by buying by the lot in our wholesale auctions!
These are great for ceramists, teachers, studios, potters and more!
PLEASE NOTE: These sponges ship in a tightly packed bag and may need to be dampened with water to expand back to their regular shape. This is completely normal and will not effect the permanent shape or performance of the sponges. We purchase these by the "Bale" of 5,000 pcs and they are tightly compressed for shipping purposes.


As many know, the Tucker House in Raleigh holds a special place in my heart as this is where Brian and I had our wedding reception! I fell in love with the Neo-Classical Revival architecture - those stately columns, the romantic balcony, and a sprawling mahogany staircase.
Built in 1915, this house belonged to Garland Scott Tucker (what a cool name!), his wife Toler Moore, and their four children. While the house was damaged by a fire in the 1930s, the original floor plan included a reception hall, library, radio room, telephone room and dining room downstairs, as well as the kitchen, bathroom and a butler's pantry.
Look at the details in these columns! So pretty!


Teams participating at the 11th SAFF Cup (South Asian Football Federation Championships), starting on 23 December said they look forward to competitive matches but voiced dissatisfaction over lack of facilities.
Addressing a pre-match press conference, coaches of participating teams-India, Nepal, Sri Lanka, Afghanistan, Maldives, Bhutan and Bangladesh, said they were disappointed due to poor organisation.
Peter Segrt, coach of defending champion Afghanistan, said they faced lot of problems with regard to accommodation, travel and even in getting a training ground.
All coaches replied in the negative when asked if their teams had visited the stadium where the tournament will be held till 3 January.
However, Segrt said, "We have to accept the situation. People here are very good. But we are happy to be here to play in the tournament. We will try to do our best."
Voicing similar sentiments on the facilities, Indian coach Stephen Constantine said he had not faced this kind of problem anywhere. He also said no one was taking responsibility for the poor organisation of the event.
However, Indian team captain Sunil Chhetri said "we have to think about the game and we are doing it".
On the championship, he said they were looking forward to good matches and it would be a good experience and exposure for the youngsters. "Being the home team, we hope to perform better", he added.
Head coaches Patrick Aussems (Nepal), KM Sampath Perera (Sri Lanka), Rickie Herbert (Maldives), Pema Dorji (Bhutan), AK Maruful Haque (Bangladesh) plus the captains of all seven competing teams were present at the conference.
India, Nepal, Sri Lanka are in Group A; while Afghanistan, Maldives, Bhutan and Bangladesh are in Group B. Pakistan had pulled out of the tournament due to security reasons. The opening match is between Nepal and Sri Lanka.
Soon after the pre-match press conference, state organising Committee Working President V Sivankutty, also local CPI(M) member of legislature, put the blame for poor facilities on the event organisers.
"Everything is done by them. Travel, accommodation and other logistic support are being made by them. It is very sad that foreign teams coming to Kerala have to face such a situation," he said.


text:
Ezekiel Joseph Bassey (Nigeria, 10 de noviembre de 1996), es un futbolista nigeriano que juega en la posición de centrocampista. Actualmente milita en el Paykan FC de la Iran Pro League.

Trayectoria

El extremo nigeriano es un jugador formado en el Enyimba Aba, y que ocasionalmente puede jugar de mediapunta. Bassey es considerado uno de los jóvenes talentos del fútbol africano, ya que es uno de los habituales en las convocatorias de la selección sub-20 nigeriana.

En el mercado de invierno de la temporada 2016-17, se llega a un acuerdo entre la entidad catalana y el club africano incluye una opción a compra por dos temporadas. El jugador formaría parte del F. C. Barcelona "B", equipo que milita en Segunda división B, con el objetivo de ascender de categoría.

El 31 de enero de 2017, en el último día del mercado de invierno, se anunció la contratación de Bassey, pero el problema es que los trámites para conseguir toda la documentación pertinente se alargarían. El jugador viajó a Barcelona tras anunciarse su fichaje, pasó revisión médica, firmó su contrato y se mostró ilusionado con esta etapa; horas después voló a Nigeria para iniciar todos los trámites.

Clubes

Referencias

Enlaces externos
 Ficha en transfermarkt

Futbolistas de Nigeria
Futbolistas del Enyimba International Football Club
Futbolistas del Fútbol Club Barcelona Atlètic
Futbolistas del Paykan FC

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaWikipedia


text:
package com.bluelinelabs.conductor.archlifecycle;

import androidx.lifecycle.Lifecycle;
import androidx.lifecycle.Lifecycle.Event;
import androidx.lifecycle.LifecycleOwner;
import androidx.lifecycle.LifecycleRegistry;
import android.content.Context;
import androidx.annotation.NonNull;
import android.view.View;

import com.bluelinelabs.conductor.Controller;
import com.bluelinelabs.conductor.Controller.LifecycleListener;

public class ControllerLifecycleOwner implements LifecycleOwner {

    private final LifecycleRegistry lifecycleRegistry;

    public <T extends Controller & LifecycleOwner> ControllerLifecycleOwner(@NonNull T lifecycleController) {
        lifecycleRegistry = new LifecycleRegistry(lifecycleController); // --> State.INITIALIZED

        lifecycleController.addLifecycleListener(new LifecycleListener() {
            @Override
            public void postContextAvailable(@NonNull Controller controller, @NonNull Context context) {
                lifecycleRegistry.handleLifecycleEvent(Event.ON_CREATE); // --> State.CREATED;
            }

            @Override
            public void postCreateView(@NonNull Controller controller, @NonNull View view) {
                lifecycleRegistry.handleLifecycleEvent(Event.ON_START); // --> State.STARTED;
            }

            @Override
            public void postAttach(@NonNull Controller controller, @NonNull View view) {
                lifecycleRegistry.handleLifecycleEvent(Event.ON_RESUME); // --> State.RESUMED;
            }

            @Override
            public void preDetach(@NonNull Controller controller, @NonNull View view) {
                lifecycleRegistry.handleLifecycleEvent(Event.ON_PAUSE); // --> State.STARTED;
            }

            @Override
            public void preDestroyView(@NonNull Controller controller, @NonNull View view) {
                lifecycleRegistry.handleLifecycleEvent(Event.ON_STOP); // --> State.CREATED;
            }

            @Override
            public void preContextUnavailable(@NonNull Controller controller, @NonNull Context context) {
                // do nothing
            }

            @Override
            public void preDestroy(@NonNull Controller controller) {
                // Only act on Controllers that have had at least the onContextAvailable call made on them.
                if (lifecycleRegistry.getCurrentState() != Lifecycle.State.INITIALIZED) {
                    lifecycleRegistry.handleLifecycleEvent(Event.ON_DESTROY); // --> State.DESTROYED;
                }
            }

        });
    }

    @Override @NonNull
    public Lifecycle getLifecycle() {
        return lifecycleRegistry;
    }

}

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaGithub


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text:
Application Developer - Integrations
Technology Full Time - Continuing
Application Developer Analyst II
This is a intermediate level role that under general supervision, works closely with customers, business analysts and team members to understand business requirements that drive the analysis and design to develop quality technical webservice solutions. Candidates should have a solid understanding of IT systems, development lifecycle, quality assurance/testing, and integration methodologies.
Projects & Enhancement Development: Involved in the full systems life cycle and will assist with designing, coding, testing, implementing, quality assurance, maintaining and supporting software that is delivered on time and within budget. Analyzes and revises existing system logic difficulties and documentation as necessary. Analyzes requirements and performs enhancements to existing software; develops new software; develops design options, identifies and analyzes problems, author's code, tests and debugs code, troubleshoots software, maintains installed systems, produces and maintains documentation and programs, and conducts quality assurance.
Technical Design/Solutioning: Assesses design options and designs technical requirements for software. Formulates and defines system scope and objectives through research and fact-finding to develop or modify complex systems. Prepares detailed specifications from which programs will be written. Formulates technical solutions for new IT applications and enhancements to existing applications. Assists with recommendations towards the development of new code or reuse/enhancement of existing.
Support: Develop technical documentation (designs, specifications, systems processes) and communications. Provide technical mentoring for less experienced developers as needed.
Standards: Develops best practices for development and execution of web systems across the organization. Fosters the use of standards within the organization.
About UF Information Technology
The UF Information Technology division is comprised of seven departments reporting to the Vice President & Chief Information Officer. The departments reporting directly to the VP & CIO are: Academic Technology, Research Computing, Infrastructure & Communication Technology, Enterprise Systems, Information Security Office, and the UFIT Business Center. With established governance advisory committees and a set of well-defined, transparent processes aiding decision-making, UFIT strives to provide exceptional IT services in support of UF's mission. For more information about UFIT and its goals and governance, visit: http://www.it.ufl.edu/vp-cio-office/strategic-plan/.
Learn more about UFIT at https://it.ufl.edu/ and @GoGatorsUFIT.
About the University of Florida
UF is one of the nation's top-5 universities and a dynamic and rewarding place to work. The University seeks to recruit and retain a diverse workforce as a reflection of its commitment to serve a diverse global community. Plus, UF is in Gainesville, one of Florida's most livable cities. Known for its natural attractions (wetlands, forests, springs, wildlife) and cultural offerings (music, theater, visual arts, and historic districts), the area also is gaining a reputation as a thriving hub for high-tech start-ups, as well as invention and research collaborations. We are excited about what's happening here and know you will want to be a part of it.
UF Information Technology is committed to attracting, hiring, and retaining a diverse workforce and values diversity of thoughts, background, and experience. Achieving a top-5 public university ranking means we make it a priority to employ and work with people with different backgrounds, cultures, abilities, and ethnicities to discover new ways to leverage technology for teaching, learning, research, and the business needs of a comprehensive land-grant institution. We welcome applications from individuals who would bring additional dimensions to the university's vision and mission.
$68,000 – $75,000; commensurate based on education and experience. In addition, the University of Florida offers a very competitive benefits package. https://benefits.hr.ufl.edu/
Master's degree and one year of appropriate experience; or a bachelor's degree and three years of appropriate experience. Appropriate college coursework may substitute at an equivalent rate for the required experience.
The ideal candidate will possess the following experience and skills:
Proficiency in multiple software development languages (Python, JavaScript, C# preferred)
Experience developing scalable web services
SOA, ESB, messaging, transformation engines, web services, data integration techniques and design patterns
Developing software interfaces between systems using protocols such as XML, REST, SOAP, HTTP, SSL, FTP, MQ
Working with database systems such as Oracle & Microsoft SQL Server
This position requires U.S. work authorization.
Applicants are required to submit with their application:
Resume or CV
Professional References (Minimum of 3)
Application must be submitted by 11:55 p.m. of the posting end date.
Application Developer Analyst II<\/p><\/td><\/tr>
This is a intermediate level role that under general supervision, works closely with customers, business analysts and team members to understand business requirements that drive the analysis and design to develop quality technical webservice solutions. Candidates should have a solid understanding of IT systems, development lifecycle, quality assurance\/testing, and integration methodologies.
Projects & Enhancement Development<\/strong>: Involved in the full systems life cycle and will assist with designing, coding, testing, implementing, quality assurance, maintaining and supporting software that is delivered on time and within budget. Analyzes and revises existing system logic difficulties and documentation as necessary. Analyzes requirements and performs enhancements to existing software; develops new software; develops design options, identifies and analyzes problems, author\u2019s code, tests and debugs code, troubleshoots software, maintains installed systems, produces and maintains documentation and programs, and conducts quality assurance. <\/p>
Technical Design\/Solutioning:<\/strong> Assesses design options and designs technical requirements for software. Formulates and defines system scope and objectives through research and fact-finding to develop or modify complex systems. Prepares detailed specifications from which programs will be written. Formulates technical solutions for new IT applications and enhancements to existing applications. Assists with recommendations towards the development of new code or reuse\/enhancement of existing.<\/p>
Support:<\/strong> Develop technical documentation (designs, specifications, systems processes) and communications. Provide technical mentoring for less experienced developers as needed.<\/p>
Standards:<\/strong> Develops best practices for development and execution of web systems across the organization. Fosters the use of standards within the organization.<\/p>
About UF Information Technology <\/strong><\/h3>
The UF Information Technology division is comprised of seven departments reporting to the Vice President & Chief Information Officer. The departments reporting directly to the VP & CIO are: Academic Technology, Research Computing, Infrastructure & Communication Technology, Enterprise Systems, Information Security Office, and the UFIT Business Center. With established governance advisory committees and a set of well-defined, transparent processes aiding decision-making, UFIT strives to provide exceptional IT services in support of UF\u2019s mission. For more information about UFIT and its goals and governance, visit: http:\/\/www.it.ufl.edu\/vp-cio-office\/strategic-plan\/<\/a>.<\/p>
Learn more about UFIT at https:\/\/it.ufl.edu\/<\/a> and @GoGatorsUFIT.<\/p>
About the University of Florida <\/strong><\/h3>
UF is one of the nation\u2019s top-5 universities and a dynamic and rewarding place to work. The University seeks to recruit and retain a diverse workforce as a reflection of its commitment to serve a diverse global community. Plus, UF is in Gainesville, one of Florida\u2019s most livable cities. Known for its natural attractions (wetlands, forests, springs, wildlife) and cultural offerings (music, theater, visual arts, and historic districts), the area also is gaining a reputation as a thriving hub for high-tech start-ups, as well as invention and research collaborations. We are excited about what\u2019s happening here and know you will want to be a part of it.<\/p>
UF Information Technology is committed to attracting, hiring, and retaining a diverse workforce and values diversity of thoughts, background, and experience. Achieving a top-5 public university ranking means we make it a priority to employ and work with people with different backgrounds, cultures, abilities, and ethnicities to discover new ways to leverage technology for teaching, learning, research, and the business needs of a comprehensive land-grant institution. We welcome applications from individuals who would bring additional dimensions to the university\u2019s vision and mission.<\/p><\/td><\/tr>
$68,000 \u2013 $75,000; commensurate based on education and experience. In addition, the University of Florida offers a very competitive benefits package. https:\/\/benefits.hr.ufl.edu\/<\/a><\/p><\/td><\/tr>
Master's degree and one year of appropriate experience; or a bachelor's degree and three years of appropriate experience. Appropriate college coursework may substitute at an equivalent rate for the required experience.<\/p><\/td><\/tr>
The ideal candidate will possess the following experience and skills:<\/p>
Proficiency in multiple software development languages (Python, JavaScript, C# preferred)<\/li>
Experience developing scalable web services<\/li>
SOA, ESB, messaging, transformation engines, web services, data integration techniques and design patterns<\/li>
Developing software interfaces between systems using protocols such as XML, REST, SOAP, HTTP, SSL, FTP, MQ<\/li>
Working with database systems such as Oracle & Microsoft SQL Server<\/li><\/ul><\/td><\/tr>
This position requires U.S. work authorization.<\/p>
Applicants are required to submit with their application:<\/p>
Cover Letter<\/li>
Resume or CV<\/li>
Professional References (Minimum of 3)<\/li><\/ul>
Application must be submitted by 11:55 p.m. of the posting end date.<\/p>


Handmade with love and expertise in Rome, Italy.
Brass tends to darken and develop a patina with time. This is a natural process, however, it can be removed using polishing/cleaning products for brass. You can get the polish in most DIY shops. This piece, however, is coated with a protective layer, which delays the patina process.


Remote work ranks up there with one of the coolest perks a company offers. Who wouldn't want to trade a workspace in a noisy open office for a hammock on the north shore of Hawai'i? Plus, with inter-office communication tools like Slack and Google Hangouts and project-management programs like Trello, it's never been easier for employees to work outside the main hive.
But making remote work successful requires effort on both sides. The company has to trust its employees are putting in the same amount of work as they would in the main HQ. The remote worker needs the assurance that their decision to work outside the office won't affect their standing or be judged against them.
Being "out of sight and out of mind" is the biggest challenge that remote workers have to overcome. Overcommunicating, as explained above, is crucial for keeping up with an ongoing workflow – but even more important than that is the need to demonstrate your impact. Someone working next to your boss will always have an advantage in that they're more visibly present, so you have to overcompensate a bit (which can be a challenge for introverts).
Properly structuring your workday is critical to being a successful remote worker. It can be easy to get distracted and spend two hours watching Star Wars trailers on YouTube when you're working solo. Linda Jonas, our Director of Brand and Community, recommends creating a dedicated space for work, whether in your home, in a cafe, or at a coworking space, so you can have a physical designation that it's time to focus.
The theory goes that a remote working culture is more beneficial for introverts, particularly those who feel more creative working in solitary environments and perhaps struggle to focus in open offices. Many of our remote employees consider themselves extroverts, though, and have found as much joy and productivity in working remotely, despite the lack of day-to-day contact with their coworkers.
Sarah Burgess, who works in Customer Support, notes that she can feel over-stimulated in office environments. So she likes having the option to detach and maintain communication with coworkers virtually – along with the flexibility of being able to work remotely from places like Silicon Valley or New Orleans.
Scott, on the other hand, will take his work to a nearby cafe for a change of scenery, or hop into his 4G-equipped Westfalia van and work from the beach.
Scott Faverty's Westfalia van during a remote-working trip to Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, USA.
At some companies, remote workers must agree to a number of performance-tracking measures to ensure productivity, be it screen monitoring, keyboard/mouse tracking, etc. At Small Improvements, we don't believe in checking up on people's work, but instead, trust that they're responsible and delivering on what their role requires. A culture of regular 1:1 meetings helps ensure that managers and employees are in the loop on current progress.
Like it or not, employees who work remotely need to tailor their schedule around the office. Our West Coast employees, for example, wake up early on Tuesdays to join in our company All-Hands to compensate for the nine-hour time difference with Berlin (5 pm for us, 8 am for them). Or it could mean the occasional late night for someone working out of Sydney.
Remote workers suffer one distinct disadvantage – little-to-no connection of the office culture. For some, it's a pleasure to come to the office and grab some fresh fruit and a cafe latte before starting work. For others, it's those conversations around the proverbial water cooler that are essential to unlocking mind blocks and solving problems. It also means missing out on things like office celebrations, parties, and Lunch-n-Learns.
Olga Oulie, who heads up our People Department, has worked to integrate our remote workers into the Small Improvements' culture. In addition to the annual four-week Berlin trip that everyone can sign up for, remote workers routinely receive small, Berlin-inspired goodie bags for their birthdays and are sent Polaroids from office events.
"It's simple. Everything that we do here, we should celebrate there as well," Olga says.
At Small Improvements, our US team has been remote right from the start, and we have long encouraged all employees to work wherever they desire for a couple of weeks a year. We've had developers fix bugs from locales like Laos, South Africa, and Italy. Customer Success has provided demos for potential SI users on the beach in Carmel, Calif. Linda went completely nomadic and has worked remotely for the last two years.


The world is changing and so is our community.
As many of you know, I have been teaching my free total body fitness class for 22 years, since 1995 in the second floor of the church at Redstone on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On a yearly basis, my class has given donations to the church for the use of this space.
I have worked with Pastors Jim Jarmon and Bruce Gledhill throughout the years.
The second floor of the Church is a large open space with beautiful stain glass windows, a piano and moveable chairs. This space is used for Sunday church services and has consistently been used for various other activities such as public meetings for the county and community, my class and the list goes on. This space works well for these meetings, and my students and I have loved being in this unique and beautiful space.
The church is heading in a new direction. The church is working to create a new policy for the usage of the church premises. Recently, I was asked by the Elders and Leadership Group of the church to move my class downstairs. In respect of the Church's request, I have been teaching my class downstairs.
Unfortunately, the space downstairs does not work for me. With regret, I have made a decision to end my decades of offering free classes Tuesday.
I want to thank all women and men who have attended my class over the years. What a great journey of hard workouts, sore muscle, joy of being fit and able to move and many stories and sharing life together.
We need to give of ourselves in love and service to others, in a spirit of generosity and good-fellowship.
I joyously give, in greater gratitude, for the abundance that I have already received.


The Sackler Trust suspended its U.K. philanthropy and the Guggenheim said it will no longer accept Sackler funds.
The Guggenheim Museum in New York City. Photo by Jean-Christophe BENOIST, via Wikimedia Commons.
The Sackler Trust, the philanthropic organization run by the Sackler family—members of which have profited enormously from sales of the drug Oxycontin, which is at the center of the global opioid crisis—has halted all donations in the U.K. amid mounting pressures from institutions, members of the public, and hundreds of lawsuits filed against the drug's manufacturer, Purdue Pharma. The Sackler Trust is said to have donated over £60 million ($79.2 million) to groups in the U.K. this decade, from the arts and culture sector to education and medicine.
The trustees of the Sackler Trust have taken the difficult decision to temporarily pause all new philanthropic giving, while still honouring existing commitments. I remain fully committed to all the causes the Sackler Trust supports, but at this moment it is the better course for the trust to halt all new giving until we can be confident that it will not be a distraction for institutions that are applying for grants.
Last week, the Sackler Trust and London's National Portrait Gallery put a planned grant of £1 million ($1.3 million) on hold, shortly thereafter the Tate museums group announced it would no longer accept Sackler money, and on Friday, the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum in New York followed suit. Hyperallergic reported that the Guggenheim would no longer accept donations from the family of the late Mortimer D. Sackler, the former board member who was a co-owner of Purdue Pharma, the company that did much to accelerate the current opioid crisis through its marketing of Oxycontin. Nearly 2,000 individuals or entities are currently suing Purdue for its reckless Oxycontin marketing, and in 2007 the company's parent company pleaded guilty to a federal felony charge for misbranding the drug.
The news comes on the heels of announcements made by two institutions in London, the Tate and the National Portrait Gallery, which both distanced themselves from the Sackler family. The Tate said it would no longer take donations from the group of philanthropists, and the NPG said it would reject a long-planned $1.3 donation from the Sackler Trust.
The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum received a total of $7 million in gifts from members of the Mortimer D. Sackler family initiated in 1995 and paid out through 2006 to establish and support the Sackler Center for Arts Education, which serves approximately 300,000 youth, adults, and families each year. An additional $2 million was received between 1999 and 2015 to support the museum. No contributions from the Sackler family have been received since 2015. No additional gifts are planned, and the Guggenheim does not plan to accept any gifts.
Goldin is scheduled to have a year-long retrospective at the Tate Modern starting in April, and was prepared to stage protests in the Tate Modern's Turbine Hall if the museum did not disavow future donations by the Sacklers. After the Tate's decision last week to reject all funds, The Guardianreported that Goldin was "so happy" and would not be staging any protests.