text:
Archive : Tag
Home / Posts Tagged: "Music industry"
Some Recent Music Trends
POSTED ON January 23rd - POSTED IN Community, independent music, music, news, Opinion
Seems that the ever-changing music industry is continuing to do just that. 2015 saw some interesting music trends. First off, streaming is up and digital downloads are down. Even The Beatles are now available on streams. In many ways, it makes sense that streaming is up. You pay for a service, or get it free, and you don't need to buy each release. However, vinyl is making a comeback at the same time.
Music Sales Up… Finally? Huh? What?
POSTED ON February 26th - POSTED IN site
Talk About Misleading Headlines!
I happened across an AP news article which, paraphrasing so that we don't get sued, claimed that music sales are finally inching up… for the first time since 1999. (I know I am taking a chance even using "1999" for Prince and the Universal Goons may still be lurking out there, just waiting for another opportunity to swoop down and swing their IP sword of death.) Fortunately, they provided a link to the source. It is a report from the IFPI which is short for the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry. While not the RIAA, it is a similar such organization certainly spouting similar rhetoric with this report.
I have been aware that many associations in the music and film industry are not the best at math and statistics. I have often written about how the legal system is skewed by political favoritism regarding IP, how the industry skews law enforcement and, recently, their further adventures on the road less logical.
Megabox, Back with Exclusive Artists
POSTED ON September 26th - POSTED IN Business, Copyright, independent music, Intellectual Property, Law, music, New Media Order, news, Opinion
Image via CrunchBase
Being in the news is nothing new for Kim Dotcom. I recall the YouTube take down fiasco, his song to the president, the raid, and, as almost all of us at Indie Nation News believed, learning the raids were very likely illegal. If you need to catch up on this ongoing adventure, I suggest this page at TechDirt with lots of articles on Dotcom, otherwise wait for the movie. I am sure that someone is going to do one soon.
However, I wonder how many others remember "Megabox" and Mr. Dotcom's pledge to take down the modern music industry?
2012.06.04 – Tech Net News and Opinion
POSTED ON June 10th - POSTED IN android, Blues Rock, Business, Copyright, funk, games, Hardware, independent music, Indie Nation News, Intellectual Property, Live Show, music, New Media Order, news, Opinion, Podcasts, rock, Tech and Net News, Tech and Net Opinion, Technology
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (118.0MB)
Greetings listeners,
English: Wil Wheaton at the 2011 Phoenix Comicon in Phoenix, Arizona. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Welcome to this week's episode of Tech Net News and Opinion. This week we accidentally/intentionally did things a bit differently. For those of you who have been asking for more news and less music, you got it. Brian, Knowles, Meshelly, Knunez (iPhone at Geekshed), OmniDragon and Lumpy start and end this week's show with music but the rest is all news talk.
Remember listeners and readers, if you wish to participate, the way to do so is to get on over to the Geekshed IRC Network and join us in #indienation. We do the news live almost every Monday from 8-10 PM EST. (As a general rule, if a Monday is a holiday in the USA, we do NOT do the news.) If you have items you think we should cover as news, shoot us an email at news@indienation.fm or tweet us @indienationfm.
An Interview with Gabriel Redding
POSTED ON May 15th - POSTED IN independent music, Interview, interviews, Live Show, music, Podcasts, pop, rock, site
In this podcast interview featuring the music of Gabriel Redding, we opened with the title track, Untethered, from his most recent release. Immediately after we started conversation with this awesome pop rock artist.
Tech and Net – News and Opinion – Episode 001
POSTED ON December 5th - POSTED IN Business, Copyright, EFF, Indie Nation News, Intellectual Property, Law, Law, New Media Order, news, Opinion, Podcasts, Tech and Net News, Tech and Net Opinion, Technology
Google Music Launches
Although pretty much everywhere, I caught the news of this via my EnGadget RSS feed. Google Music has launched and offered over 8 million tracks the first day. The selection of music will soon increase to over 13 million.
While the music program has been known and in beta, there was speculation as to which and how many labels would be on board, EnGadget reports that 3 major labels and 23 independents have signed on.
In conversation, we discussed how the MPAA likely cost Hollywood more than Torrents, MP3 vs Physical Media, why do people pirate and how these items relate.
Motorola Approve Google Purchase
Image by bigdigo via Flickr
Following up on recent old news, more specifically the recent "Google bought Motorola" stories. First off, to clarify what I have too often heard, Google did not buy Motorola in entirety, specifically only Motorola Mobility. In Lumpy's opinion, likely for patents to defend the Droid phone.
They announced sticking to a "hands off" approach regarding operations. The purchase, however likely, needed final approval from the "actual" owners of Motorola.
According to a post at Physorg.com, Google's purchase of Motorola Mobility was given final approval by the Motorola stock holders. The deal was valued at 12.5 billion dollars. Of note however, though no problem is expected, the regulators has still not officially approved this purchase.
RIAA Does Not Like The Used Digital Music Sale Business
This is one we may wish to file under "no surprise"… After all other than there outdated-make-no-sense-lobby-and-sue-to-make-it-our-way business model what part of the music business does the music industry actually love? This is the same organization that tried to stop 8-tracks, cassettes and used record stores for they were all certainly going to destroy the music business.
Thanks to the ingenious strategy of "sue em all" and total alienation of their customers, the Racketeering Idiots Association of Absurdity has kept this dying business alive for decades. Unfortunately, when they are done paying the organization's officers, legal fees and lawyers, there is nothing left for the artists.
Slashdot points to a few good articles relevant to ReDigi, a company which is claiming to re-sell digital music. The RIAA has sent ReDigi a letter, more or less telling them to stop. This one should be an interesting one to follow. Will it reverse the decision of Vernor v. Autodesk, Inc. or will the industries stance of "first sale" win?
Unfortunately, with both the US legal system and the RIAA involved, one has no clue what a court may decide. While I am not too sure, "re-selling" digital media is actually legal. The case referenced was more specifically involving software not music… software purchased and physically resold. As for music, sooner or later a line must be drawn in the litigious sand that fills the litter box of the current war over content, distribution and ownership.
SOPA Not Well Liked By Many
Mike Masnick of TechDirt posted that many have been expressing a dislike for SOPA. The "Stop On-line Piracy Act" or H.R. 3261 is currently in committee hearings. One of the more popular news stories which came out of the public reaction to this potential law was "Free Justin Beiber". The bill would make on-line streaming copyright offenses a felony, with up to 5 years prison time. Ironically, Beiber sent a cease and dessist order to Free Beiber which was started by Fight for the Future.
The TechDirt article lists the following as opposing this bill:
Hacker News who has actually put up a site so that you can send representatives a letter.
The ACLU regarding free speech issues
The American Library Association as part of the Library Copyright Alliance
Association of Research Libraries (PDF of letter) as part of the Library Copyright Alliance
New America Foundation's Open Technology Initiative
TechFreedom
FreedomHouse
The Competitive Enterprise Institute over due process concerns
EFF – Has many articles on this topic
Consumers Union
Consumer Federation of America
US PIRG
ESET over security concerns
TechAmerica
The EFF lists even more who oppose this bill, "including Facebook, Google, Twitter, eBay, Yahoo, AOL and Mozilla".
Image by ElectronicFrontierFoundation via Flickr
The process of approving this bill has also come under scrutiny, TechDirt discusses that the committee is perceived as biased and, add to that, those opposed to the bill have not been permitted to attend the hearings. The EFF has more on those who are not permitted to attend and states that many of those who are permitted to attend actually helped draft the bill.
An additional link was also brought up during the live discussion:
Former RIAA boss replies to TechDirt
If you would like to participate in this show's live discussion, contact us at 818-81-INDIE or news@indienation.fm.
Cautious Optimism Follows SOPA Hearings: Don't Get Cocky (readwriteweb.com)
SOPA copyright bill draws fire (news.cnet.com)
TechFast: SOPA Backlash, Google's Music Store, Tablet Wars (techland.time.com)
Stop the Stop Online Piracy Act Now (dailyfinance.com)
Stop the Stop Online Piracy Act Now (fool.com)
ISPs versus SOPA: Anti-piracy bill could force severe privacy-invading measures (zdnet.com)
Google Music debuts, with downloads and sharing (live blog) (news.cnet.com)
How SOPA would affect you: FAQ (news.cnet.com)
Tech Giants Take Out Newspaper Ad Blasting Net Censorship Proposition (ostatic.com)
Google Buys Motorola (indienation.fm)
RIAA goes after ReDigi for selling "used" iTunes tracks (electronista.com)
T-Mobile may be part of Google Music launch (news.cnet.com)
UMG Ask Insurance Companies to Help with Royalty Payments
POSTED ON November 24th - POSTED IN Copyright, Indie Nation News, Intellectual Property, Law, Law, music, news, Opinion, Podcasts
Another Lawsuit, to Pay for a Lawsuit
I have often said that the current music industry is a dinosaur, many have. I often use terms such as "new media order" and "new business model". It is obvious that I feel the way the big boys play is obsolete and I am not alone in that feeling.
Band Lets Fans Design Their Own Album
POSTED ON June 15th - POSTED IN music, New Media Order, news
TechDirt brought this interesting story to my notice. A band, the Kaiser Chiefs, is allowing their fans to design their own album. The band is releasing a digital only album online at their website. The release consists of 20 songs and the purchaser can pick any 10, arrange them in any order and then a custom album cover is created based on the choices made. In my opinion, this is a great example of taking advantage of what I always call the new medial order. This pick and choose idea is a great way to satisfy the masses who often complain that they only want certain songs off an album.
RIAA, Google, Gaga, Apple, the Cloud and Horses – Lumpy's Thoughts
POSTED ON June 8th - POSTED IN Copyright, Entertainment, independent music, Law, music, news, Opinion, RIAA, Technology, Things that make you go hmmm
I did just a tad bit of digging on this one because the abused phrase "never look a gift horse in the mouth" originally entered my head as I read it. The phrase originated in and era when horses were commonly used in trade and, big surprise, gifts. In that era, according to this little post, it would have been rude or stupid, when gifted such, to look into the mouth of the animal to determine it's age and value. I wonder how a punch, kick or a cattle prod would go over?
According to Mashable and in my opinion, The music industry did just that. At first, it may seem like a stretch, however, I beg to argue that it is not. While Apple may be announcing the securing of cloud deals with labels and launching as soon as June 6, what sense does it make for an industry, supposedly in trouble, to chop off 100 M? Mashable is reporting that Bloomberg Business stated that Google was willing to pay 100 million to the four major labels for cloud license. Apparently the labels were concerned about the fact that Google often points to video and music that violates copyright and the talks broke down.
I think it parallels the gift horse analogy pretty well and I am sure that the Racketeering Idiots Association of Absurdity would have not only punched the horse but would certainly take the next step and sue it, it's owner, the local blacksmith and the company that sold the owner the grain.
Sticking with the pun, they are also putting the cart before the horse. Even if Google did somehow completely stop linking to copyright infringing material, does the industry not realize that some other search engine would still link to said content? If the industry claims it losing billions per year to illegal downloading, why not take the 100 million and let the search giant create the legal cloud service? Seriously, Google is big time and business smart. Does the industry not understand that if Google had a legal service would it not follow to tweak it's search results to point to it's own money maker? Perhaps the industry doesn't get that because, at least in my lifetime, they have specialized in business models to drive away their few remaining customers.
RIAA and MPAA Back Legislation to Support Warrentless Searches of DVD Duplication Labs
POSTED ON May 27th - POSTED IN Government, Indie Nation News, Law, Movies, music, New Media Order, news, Opinion, Podcasts, RIAA, Technology, Things that make you go hmmm
A post over at Boing! Boing! points to a disturbing article. Wired is reporting that a California Senate Bill has already passed two committees. This bill would make it legal for warrentless searches of CD and DVD plants legal. The MPAA and the RIAA, in true form, are backing this bill. The RIAA claims that 90 % of counterfeiting is done is such plants and that the sunshine state has 70 such facilities. This author must note that the RIAA does not have a, shall we say, an undisputed track record regarding mathematics.
Follow Up – RIAA Will Give "Some" of the Royalties to The Artists
POSTED ON May 26th - POSTED IN Copyright, independent music, Indie Nation News, Law, music, New Media Order, news, Opinion, Podcasts, RIAA
It was previously reported that the recording industry (RIAA or Racketeering Idiots Association of Absurdity) was not going to give any of the money awarded in the recent LimeWire settlement to the artists. The story at The Huffington Post referenced a post at Torrent Freak and reading it today it reminds me of the news re-writes in 1984. Strangely the Huffinton Post now claims that the Torrent Freak article was incorrect. The original Torrent Freak article reads:
RIAA spokesman Jonathan Lamy previously told TorrentFreak that the 'damages' accrued from piracy-related lawsuits will not go to any of the artists, but towards funding more anti-piracy campaigns. "Any funds recouped are re-invested into our ongoing education and anti-piracy programs," he said.
Hmmm…. seems like a pretty clear to me. Based on the track record of the RIAA have any artist actually received anything from these lawsuits? Remember they announced the end of the "sue em all" campaign? Now if they announced the end of it, why do they need to "re-invest" any of the settlement money? It seems that what he previously said was taken out of context… Or is it just being re-written?


Visit our YouTube Channel - for walkthroughs of administration and user features!
Check out the OpenText Core Blog to learn what's new!
Follow @OpenTextCore for tips, new feature announcements, and news!
They file format cannot be viewed inside CORE. Having to download, then launch in a local app doesn't line up with CORE being a SaaS solution.
If there is a video format that is compatible with the web app, please convert them and update. Or link to a Youtube video or something.
After some testing, it appears that pptx, pdf, and docx file types preview successfully on a public link. However, the .mp4 and .mov files only preview when logged in, not in a public link.
I have submitted this to our development team. Thanks for the suggestion.
I watched the video on Installing the Desktop Client, but when I logon I don't see it listed as one of my files. Is that supposed to be a shared file across all Core users that should show up if I view All Files?
I apologize that our team has not responded to you in a timely fashion.
The How To videos are public links, so will not be included in your "Shared With Me" listing when you log in to OpenText Core.
It's been a while .... I created an account to see the Enterprise World material, then the notifications started to come in the e-mail. I went to my profile to turn notifications off (and I think I was successful) however I could not navigate to the notification settings as the help instruction appeared to show me.
Can you give me the quick 'how to'?
- Head to your Profile (click on the profile circle) and a menu of options will drop down.
I was surprised that for any content I was looking for, I had to download files, of view PDFs.
There is a YouTube Channel at https://youtube.com/c/opentextcore if that helps. There is also the support email at otcoresupport@opentext.com and a Twitter account @OpenTextCore.


Tickets are now on sale for a "Hip-Pop Up Dinner" at The Stand in Fairfield. Chef Jeff Taibe will present vegan dishes on November 15 from 7-9pm. Don't forget to BYOB!
Bobby Q's Cue & Co now serves Happy Hour from 4-7pm Monday-Friday. Join them in the bar for $2 off wine, beer,bourbon, and cocktails; $1 off apps and flatbreads; 50 cent wings (minimum of 6); $3 pulled pork sliders; and $10 pork belly cracklings.
Geronimo Tequila Bar & Southwest Grill has launched a new Fall Cocktail menu in its New Haven and Fairfield locations. Highlights include Pumpkin Pie (Espolon reposado tequila, ginger liqueur, pumpkin puree, nutmeg, cinnamon, fresh lime), Cranberry Mule (888 Cranberry vodka, cranberry juice, ginger beer), Apple Cinnarita (apple and cinnamon-infused tequila, green apple pucker, cinnamon, fresh lime), and PSL Martini (Herradura silver tequila, espresso, Bol's Pumpkin Smash, Pumpkin Spice Kahlua, cream). Prices range from $8 - $13.
Chop Shop Cooking continues its cooking classes with "Delicious Fishes" on Wednesday November 1 from 7-9pm. It costs $80 per person.
On Wednesday November 1, The Lace Factory in Deep River, CT invites you to a wine dinner highlighting J. Lohr. The night begins with a reception, continues with a three course meal, and ends with dessert. It is $65 per person, plus tax and gratuity. Please call for reservations : 860-526-4445.
Habitat for Humanity of Coastal Fairfield County's (Habitat CFC) Women Build program will hold its 9th Annual Gourmet Tasting & Fundraiser on Thursday November 2. Join them from 6-9pm at Aitoro Appliances in Norwalk for samples from local restaurants, caterers and chefs in Aitoro's state-of-the-art kitchens, and complimentary craft beer and wine.
Attend a book signing for Jacques Pépin's latest release, A Grandfather's Lessons, at Stew Leonard's in Norwalk. It will take place on Saturday November 4 from 11am-1pm.
Science meets brews at the BrewFest at Discovery Museum on Saturday, November 4 from 6-9pm. Featured breweries include Aspetuck Brew Lab, Back East Brewing, Brewport, Charter Oak Brewing, Fairfield Craft Ales, Maltose Express/Veracious Brewing Company, New England Brewing Company, Ninety 9 Bottles, and Two Roads Brewery. Fortuna's Catering will provide tasty bites too. Proceeds benefit Discovery's STEM programs for young learners.


text:
Q: How do I read words from a file, assign them to an array and analyze its content? I (a student whose professor encourages online research to complete projects) have an assignment where I have to analyze the contents of a file (frequency of certain words, total word cout, largest and smallest word) and I'm getting stuck on even opening the file so the program can get words out. I've tried to just count the words that it reads and i get nothing. As I understand it, the program should be opening the selected .txt file, going through its contents word by word and outputing it right now.
Here's code:
#include <iostream>
#include <string>
#include <cctype>
#include <fstream>
#include <sstream>

    string selected[100];
    //open selected file.
    ifstream file;
    file.open(story.c_str());
    string line;
    if (!file.good())
    {
        cout << "Problem with file!" << endl;
        return 1;
    }
    while (!file.eof())
    {
        getline(file, line);

        if (line.empty())
            continue;

        istringstream iss(line);

        for (string word; iss >> word;)
            cout << word << endl;

    ```

A: Because of the simplicity of the attached code, I will not give detailed explanations here. With the usage of std::algorithm every task can be performed in a one-liner.
We will read the complete source file into one std::string. Then, we define a std::vector and fill it with all words. The words are defined by an ultra simple regex.
The frequency is counted with a standard approach using std::map.
#include <fstream>
#include <string>
#include <iterator>
#include <vector>
#include <regex>
#include <iostream>
#include <algorithm>
#include <map>

// A word is something consiting of 1 or more letters
std::regex patternForWord{R"((\w+))"};

int main() {

    // Open file and check, if it could be opened
    if (std::ifstream sampleFile{ "r:\\sample.txt" }; sampleFile) {

        // Read the complete File into a std::string
        std::string wholeFile(std::istreambuf_iterator<char>(sampleFile), {});

        // Put all words from the whole file into a vector
        std::vector<std::string> words(std::sregex_token_iterator(wholeFile.begin(), wholeFile.end(), patternForWord, 1), {});

        // Get the longest and shortest word
        const auto [min, max] = std::minmax_element(words.begin(), words.end(),
            [](const std::string & s1, const std::string & s2) { return s1.size() < s2.size(); });

        // Count the frequency of words
        std::map<std::string, size_t> wordFrequency{};
        for (const std::string& word : words) wordFrequency[word]++;

        // Show the result to the user
        std::cout << "\nNumber of words: " <<  words.size()
            << "\nLongest word: " << *max << "  (" << max->size() << ")"
            << "\nShortest word: " << *min << "  (" << min->size() << ")"
            << "\nWord frequencies:\n";
        for (const auto& [word, count] : wordFrequency) std::cout << word << " --> " << count << "\n";

    }
    else {
        std::cerr << "*** Error:  Problem with input file\n\n";
    }
    return 0;
}

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaStackExchange


There was this wonderful Gold Zebra song I discovered few years back which led me to its mother label. You can see that I'm referring to Visage Musique, one of the finest record labels in Canada. Based in Montreal, the label was probably established in 2010 and since then, it has released material of very distinctive synth driven electronic sound. Best known for Brusque Twins and Gold Zebra who share the history with the label and are there since its launch. Visage Musique certainly is the Face of the Montreal's electronic music scene and I'm sure there are more synth pop artists lined up and waiting to be heard. One of my personal favorite from VM's catalog certainly is Violence who released their debut album this year.
They will join us for an exclusive interview this month. Stay tuned!


text:
Apocalipsa Fecioarei este un text apocrif al Noului Testament, atribuit Sfintei Fecioare Maria , care a circulat în paralel cu textele canonice recunoscute de instituția Bisericii.

Variante

Sunt cunoscute două variante ale textului, una scrisă în limba greacă și una etiopiană de proveniență arabă.<ref name=autogenerat1>The Apocalypse of the Virgin, from "The Apocryphal New Testament", M.R. James (Translation and Notes), Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1924', accesat 2013.11.20</ref>

Textul Apocalipsei Fecioarei''' (bazat pe cea mai veche variantă în limba greacă – identificată în manuscris în Biblioteca Bodleiană), a fost publicat de M. R. James în 1893. Acesta a atribuit manuscrisul secolului al XI-lea și a emis supoziția că originalul ar aparține secolului IX. Însuși textul original, ar fi fost de fapt o compilație târzie efectuată fără îndemânare, ce a avut la bază atât "Legendele Răpirii" cât și "Apocalipsa lui Pavel"The Apocalypse of the Virgin, Ante-Nnicene Fathers – The Writings of the Fathers Down to A.D.325, Volume 9, Allan Menzies D.D., Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, Grand Rapids, 1897, Michigan [revised after T&T Clark (Edinburgh) Ed.], accesat 19 noiembrie 2013

Varianta etiopiană a fost publicată în limba latină 1909 de către Chaine.. Spre diferență de manuscrisele în limba greacă, textul este aproape în întregime împrumutat din Apocalipsa lui Pavel, fiind, în opinia lui Chaine, o variantă arabă tradusă tot din greacă. Una dintre secțiuni relevă însă afinități cu Apocalipsa lui Petru.

 Trăsături
Trăsătura sa definitorie, intervenția pentru cei ce sunt osândiți, este regăsită atât în "Testamentul lui Avraam", cât și în "Apocalipsa lui Pavel", "4 Ezdra", "Apocalipsa lui Baruh", "Apocalipsa lui Ezdra" și "Apocalipsa lui Zedra"''.

Vezi și
 Apocalipse apocrife ale Noului Testament
 Apocalipsa lui Moise
 Apocalipsa lui Ezdra
 Apocalipsa lui Pavel
 Revelația lui Ioan Teologul
 Cartea lui Ioan despre adormirea Mariei;
 Apocalipsa lui Petru
 Apocalipsa lui Zedra

Referințe

Literatură suplimentară
 "Apocalipsa Fecioarei", în "Apocalipse apocrife ale Noului Testament", Traducerea textelor și îngrijire ediție: Gheorghe Fedorovici, Monica Medeleanu, Editura Herald, Colecția Manuscris, București, 2007, ISBN 978-973-7970-62-6 , pp. 179–199

Legături externe
  Electronic edition of the Early Church Fathers series

Apocalipse apocrife
Texte creștine antice

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaWikipedia


Suhaila's complete Zei El Hawa performance has been added to Suhaila's Official YouTube Channel; see links for the three parts below. A complete copy of the performance plus Suhaila's performance to Tamra Henna are available on the 1991 BC DVD at the Online Store.
The performance was filmed at Cabaret Tehran in Los Angeles, one of the places at which Suhaila was performing at the time. (Incidentally, this was the same location where Dances for the Sultan was filmed.) The lighting and sound crew for the video were the same that worked at Cabaret Tehran in the evenings during Suhaila's show. They opted to use the "controversial" strobe light. The strobe light was used during the live performances, and it helped provide some light and dynamic to the atmosphere in a subtle way; however, the strobe did not translate well to the video and resulted in a more extreme effect and didn't quite capture the true ambiance of Cabaret Tehran's environment.
This video also included the legendary sarcophagus shot. Before the film shoot, the crew went to a movie studio warehouse and were able to borrow some props free of charge. They were excited to find a sarcophagus which they brought back for filming. The joke on set was the Suhaila should "enter" by coming out of the sarcophagus and then "exit" by returning to it. Because the crew was so proud of finding the sarcophagus, Suhaila improvised with it a bit. . . and the "joke" ended up making it into the filming.


Please provide a lunch or snack for your child. Your child must be picked up by 1:15 p.m. or a fee of $1 per minute will be charged, per our camp policy. If registering for an AM and PM camp, aftercare is not needed.


> 1- The JIRA task related to that patch is RESOLVED and then go to step (2).
> review and then commit the patch.
>  3.1- If patch was OK, send e-mail stating that.
> task, and hence the cycle is started from the beginning.
effective. However, my concern is that it is a bit process heavy.
> the request for Sqoop repository.
I am not sure what FishEye is and how does that work with ReviewBoard.
>>> review submission or from last activity on the review? Any ideas?
>> idea of a set timeout will not be fair in all cases.
>> reviews it can commit it.
>>>> respond within a certain time, the change can be committed.
>>>> Please share your thoughts, comments and concerns on this.


text:
Torre Cajetani é uma comuna italiana da região do Lácio, província de Frosinone, com cerca de 1.279 habitantes. Estende-se por uma área de 11 km², tendo uma densidade populacional de 116 hab/km². Faz fronteira com Fiuggi, Guarcino, Trivigliano.

Demografia

Comunas de Frosinone (província)


text:
Jokes > Search Results > senior hearing
Best Jokes and puns for senior hearing | Best Jokes and Puns
Jokes and puns for senior hearing:
Related Tags: senior hearing senior joke hearing device senior couple senior jokes hearing problem
Chemistry Puns
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
The Phone Call
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" *Long pause* "Uh .... is this 555-4821?"
marriage joke cheating joke maid phone call
Fishing Drunk
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it. As he does so, a loud voice from above says, "There are no fish down there." So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole. As he peers into it he again hears a voice say, "There's no fish down there." So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole. Once again the voice says, "There's no fish down there." The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks, "God, is that you?" "No, you idiot," says the voice. "It's the rink manager."
animal joke fish fishing drunk joke fisherman hole rink
Did you hear about the celebrity murderer? He was shooting for the stars.
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? He could read lips.
Feeling Like a Baby
Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other: "Ralph, I'm 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?" Ralph says, "Like a brand new baby." "No kidding! Like a brand new baby?" "Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers."
senior senior joke porch baby teeth pain hair lemonade diapers
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Are You Sure You Have Enough?
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
senior senior joke condoms
An Old Canadian in Paris
An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show it to."
senior airport comeback joke Paris army joke canadian wwiii frenchmen passport
The Naughty Baby
A woman is riding the bus while trying to breastfeed her baby. The baby, however, isn't interested. After several tries, the mother is quite angry. "Drink the milk or I'll give it all to the man sitting at the back!" she says. The baby is still playing around. A few minutes later she tries again, "drink the milk or I'll really give it all to the man at the back, and you'll go hungry!" The baby continues rejecting her. She tries again, very angry this time, "I'm definitely going to give it all to the man at the back if you don't behave!" This goes on a few more times. Suddenly she hears a voice from the back of the bus - "Lady will you please make up your mind? I was supposed to get off 5 stops ago."
joke about men baby milk bus breasts angry hungry back sitting minutes breastfeed
Get Out of My Car
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida): An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable!
senior funny crime senior joke car thief
The Hillbilly and the Whistles
A man who had spent his whole life in the countryside visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the hillbilly, "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?" "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
farmer joke redneck train hillbilly kettle house friend small kill kitchen bone gotta attending ruin
The Farmer, the Mule and the Rifle
A farmer named Rick had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Rick. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Rick responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Rick said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Rick's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now, what the heck would YOU say?"
lawyer accident farmer joke judge police officer trial joke rifle courtroom
The Inefficient Concert
The CEO of a company fell ill on a day when he had tickets to see a concert. As a gesture of kindness, he gave the tickets to the company's efficiency expert, to enjoy with his wife. Next morning, the CEO was surprised to find a report on his table, written by the efficiency expert, and this is what it said: "Dear Sir, I was sent, by you, to the concert, the main piece of the evening being Schubert's unfinished symphony, although personally I think unfinished work should be disqualified. I have watched the performance and here are some, but not all, of the malfunctions I found: 1. The most obvious problem was that they had 22 violinists play the exact same tune! Such reckless waste! I believe that at least 21 of them should be fired. 2. The drummer was doing nothing for long stretches of time. I would suggest he be put on a different clock, so we can keep an eye on him and only pay him when he actually does any work. 3. Many of the musical segments kept repeating themselves, and I fail to understand the point of having the flutes play the same segment as the oboes. If we can cut down on these repetitions, we can finish the symphony in 20 minutes instead of 2 hours. 4. Regarding the equipment: I've noticed a horrible lack of stardanization when it comes to musical instruments, and especially when it comes to string instruments, I've seen small ones, big ones, one you hold under your chin and some you hold between your legs. I think that one size for all these instruments will save time, money and confusion, as well as make maintenance easier. 5. The conductor, the most senior employee, did not play as much as a single tune the entire concert, and showed a lack of respect to the customers, while standing with his back (his back!) to the audience. There were even a few times he was threatening his staff with a stick, which should never be allowed. I would suspend him with no pay until we can get to the bottom of this. Psychological councling may be advised. To summarize: I am quite sure that if Mr. Schubert had avoided these issues, he would have managed to finish his work, instead of leaving us with an unfinished symphony! Kind Regards, Barry Efficiency Expert"
business joke office joke concert music
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It's tide.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
True Answers About Retirement!
Question: How many days are there in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time."There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!" Groucho Marx Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Idiot Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Lunch. "I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." Danny McGorty Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday, I rest. "I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day." Gene Perret
senior joke answer question one liners retirement short jokes
When You Drive Erratically
Three buddies are out driving around in a sports car. It's all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection. Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly. Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"
religion family accident death heaven joke doctor heaven comeback joke pearly gates casket fun and games
The Alarming Wives
Two wives finally find some time to have a night out, just the two girls. After a night of happy drinking, they decide to wobble home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee. They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that. Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, voicing there concerns. "I'm not happy", says one husband, "she came home with no underwear on!" "I hear you" replies second husband in a sad voice. "But if you think that's bad, my wife had a card stuck in the crack of her backside saying, "From all the guys at the fire station, we will all miss you!"
phone cemetery fire station happy underwear card wives concerns husbands night out girls' night out wreath
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Dinosaur Puns
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Tiger vs. Dog
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about he notices a tiger heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching tiger. Just as the tiger is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man! That was one delicious tiger. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the tiger halts his attack in mid-stride as a look of terror overcomes him and slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the tiger. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So, off he goes. But the dog sees him heading after the tiger with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the tiger. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving dog." Now the dog sees the tiger coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another tiger, and he's still not back!" The tiger ran away.
dog animal joke tiger monkey jungle animal delicious bone pretending attacker trust ran away around leap
Marriage Puns
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they're already expecting some BBs.
A Senior's Rhyme
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount." I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free." Understand — I'm not old — I'm merely mature; But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer — can't hear what they say. My teeth are my own (I have the receipt), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I've slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure. You see, I'm not old… I'm only mature. The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don't call it gray… saying "blond" is just right. My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer… get off of the road!" My car has no scratches… not even a dent. Still, I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent." My friends all get older… much faster than me. They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. I've got "character lines," not wrinkles… for sure, But don't call me old… just call me mature. The steps in the houses they're building today Are so high that they take… your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow. But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new, And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I'm still in the running… in this I'm secure, I'm not really old… I'm only mature!
senior joke running lines old years funny poem mature building streets rhymes boogaloo
Duck Puns
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
A Senior Customer
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "But I won't be able to..." "C'mon man.... give it a try... " She says. Old man says okay. They go in. The moment they get to the bed, the old timer becomes a machine and makes passionate love to her an hour straight. When he's done, the prostitute catches her breath. Exhausted and tired she says, "But you said you won't be able to...." "...pay you." completed the old man.
senior senior joke old man business joke machine hooker joke prostitute able fun passionate
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Did You Know That Americans Eat Dogs?
Decades ago, two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"
rude joke nuns United States hot dogs bench mother superior counter hurry unwrap dogs americans
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
Rabbit Puns
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
Sports Puns
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Now That's Crossing the Line
Three divorced men meet up and talk over beer. "You know, I'm not really enjoying this whole divorced thing." Says Bill, sighing. "Me too," says Sam, "I was sure I'd be sowing my wild oats by now! But I've had no wild adventures to speak of." "I hear ya," says Jeremy, "I haven't had one exciting encounter. Even the women I do sleep with never offer anything new or exciting." "Sounds like we all have the same problem," says Bill. "What do you say we find a brothel and make ALL of our fantasies come true?" The three, now quite inebriated, all think this is an excellent idea, and follow Bill to the nearest brothel. When they get there, Bill goes to the madam and tell her they'd all like to do something special and naughty. She gives him a smile and a wink and all three are led by beautiful women away. An hour later, Bill and Sam meet up in the lobby, both smirking. "Wow," says Sam, "I just the time of my life! That wasn't bad at all!" "You have no idea," grins Bill, "She catered to my every fantasy!" Suddenly, they both hear a woman scream. "No... NO!! Anything but THAT!" Rushing to see what the matter is, they find Jeremy getting dressed while his 'lady of the night' is screaming at him. "Woah!" Says Bill, "What did you ask her to DO, you sick bastard?" "I just asked if I could pay with discover."
joke about men brothel hooker joke smile fantasy encounter lady of the night divorced wink smirking
Cow Puns
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
A Special Hearing Problem
An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, suggested a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens when I talk to her." "Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls. No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. He starts shouting. "HONEY, what's for dinner?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "HONEY, what's for DINNER??". No response. So he walks right up behind her and screams: "HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!" His wife turns to him a rage and screams. "CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!"
senior senior joke husband wife marriage doctor deaf
Chuck Norris Jokes
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Senior Window-Shop Vacations
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came into his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
senior senior joke old lady tickets travel agent
Management Knows Best
A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wanted a rematch next year so they could save face. The other company agreed. Right away, the Swedish team started to examine the reason they lost. The company created a special task force. After a lengthy examination for several months, the report was submitted that it appeared the Japanese team had one person at the helm and the rest were rowing. On the Swedish team, one person was rowing as the rest were at the helm. After this report, the company decided to hire a consultant to solve the issue. After experts went through the findings of the task force for a few months the judgment was clear: there were too few people rowing and too many people at the helm. Armed with this knowledge, the Swedish company took swift action and the result was that there would be 2 steersmen, 2 senior steersmen, a captain and a rower. In addition, the rower was enrolled in a bonus scheme system to motivate him for better results. So a year went by and it was time for the rematch. Surprisingly, the Japanese won again, this time by 3 kilometers! The Swedish company management knew exactly what to do. They fired the rower due to poor performance, got large bonuses for all managers for their initiative in trying to solve the issue and for next year, they decided they would try to design a better boat.
business joke competition japanese swedish sports consultant rowing steersmen
The Sad Occasion
One day, a senior man awoke and made his way to the community breakfast room of his nursing home. \ He looked awful, quite forlorn. Ms. Rudder, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Ferguson allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Rudder knew that Mr. Ferguson was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Ferguson was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Rudder whereupon, although somewhat startled, she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants. "Today is the viewing."
senior breakfast rude joke tie nurse nursing home genitals coat viewing.
Lemon Puns
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Selective Hearing
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."
senior doctor woman patient heart physical health
Fish Puns
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Can You Say Daddy?
Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "No. Say daddy." Baby: "Mommy." Dad: "Crap! Say daddy!" Baby: "Crap!" Dad: "What did you say?" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "I'm home!" Baby: "Crap!" Mom: "What? Where did you hear that?" Baby: "Daddy."
children joke baby home hear daddy mom crap say mommy
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
A Dirty-Minded Captain
A jumbo jet is on its final approach coming in to Toronto Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom. "This is your Captain speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what you gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give it to her big-time all night." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta use the bathroom first."
plane joke stewardess pilot
How to Hear a Confession
A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips. After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes, my child. Go on". The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock. "You've done well," said the older man. "Isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling 'No way! What happened next?'"
religion confession young priest
That Little Pill
A senior couple decides to try Viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together. In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"
senior food senior joke Viagra marriage lovemaking cheese soup sandwich bowl appetite edge
Football Puns
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
Halloween Puns
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
The Special Job Conditions
A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says "Sorry to hear that... Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day." The man says: "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I'll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part." "You misunderstand." Says the interviewer. "This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
political joke disabled testicles government job
"Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away."
The Ineffective Guardian
A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying: "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you." Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him. Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again: "Stop! Don't cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!" The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car. The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: "Who ARE you?!?" "I am your guardian angel!" Answers the voice joyfully. "REALLY??" says the man in sudden anger, "Then where the heck were you when I got MARRIED??"
relationship joke marriage joke couple joke angel
Blonde, Brunette & Redhead Escape From Prison
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead. They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said: 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.' The officer kicks the red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and she screams: 'POTATOES! POTATOES!'
blond joke potatoes prison escape sack
Water Puns
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
The Hunter's Daughter
A hunter takes his daughter deer hunting for the first time. As they get to the deer stand, the hunter tells his daughter to get in the stand and sit very still, and if a deer comes out, shoot it. The hunter leaves his daughter in the stand and starts walking to his own stand. After walking for about five minutes he hears the loud bang of a rifle echoing through the woods from the direction of his daughter's stand. He thinks, wow! My daughter must have already shot a deer! So he turns back and heads to her stand. But when he gets there, he sees his daughter arguing with a game warden. He hears his daughter yelling at the game warden, "get away from my deer!" The game warden yells back, "look, girl, I already told you, this is not a deer. I should have you arrested for such negligence with a firearm!" The hunter's daughter is so pissed at this point that she loads a round into her deer rifle, points it right at the game warden's face, and says, "this is a deer. I shot it. It's my deer. Now step away or I will blow your head off." The game warden slowly puts his hands up as he's staring down the barrel of her loaded deer rifle. He then nervously says, "okay Ma'am. I was wrong. I see now that it is a deer. But before you take it away, can I get my saddle off of it?"
dark humor hunter's daughter deer game warden saddle
The Weird Leg Noises
A man went to the doctor. He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can." I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places."
doctor joke money books idea leg need knee bucks dumbfounded noises blown away ankle plead
Hard to Hear
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
senior joke family doctor hearing
The Thumping Noise
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
boy mother cheating joke children joke
Math Puns
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
A Telling Phone Call
A woman meets with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi..." "I'm so glad that you called..." "Really?" "That's wonderful..." "Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time..." "Oh, that sounds terrific.. Love you too." "OK. Bye-bye." She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was THAT?" "Oh," she replies, "That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
love husband marriage joke phone cheating joke fishing bed make love best friend called rings terrific
Beer For Everyone!
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "Nah," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
drinking bartender money drunk joke bar joke beer pub violent payment beating disgust
They Unionized...
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
business joke brothel union seniority
Swimming Puns
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Ear Puns
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Being Senior Can Be a Funny Thing...
Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions: Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest! Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. Old printers never die, they're just not the type. Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip. Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. Old actors never die, they just drop apart. -------------------------------------- Three old guys were out walking. First one said, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!" -------------------------------------- Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
senior joke dad joke forever lawyers actors printers short joke collection archers limbo bankers
Driving Senior
Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car. Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard. When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through. The passenger thought to herself, "I feel like I'm losing it, but I swear we just drove through a red light." A few minutes later, they drove through another red light. The passenger was almost certain that the light had been red but was still slightly concerned that she might be going mad, so she decided to give the driver one last chance. As they were approaching the next intersection, the passenger paid a great deal of attention. This time the lights were certainly red, yet just as before they just sped past. "Susan!" the passenger yelled. "Do you know we just ran 3 red lights in a row? We could have been killed!" "Oh, am I driving?" came the reply.
senior joke car joke old lady seniors driving red light
A Very Wrong Answer
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you: One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three... you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
children teacher school joke
Dear Mom and Dad
A college student sends a letter to his folks back home Dear Mom and Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi*$$ you guy$! Love, Your $on - - - - - - - Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Mom and Dad
family joke father son mother letter college student studying
The Lost Coat
Two senior gentlemen are working at a sewage treatment plant. One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake. "What are you doing?!" he yells "My coat fell in!" his buddy yells back "You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!" his friend said worriedly. "No, no. Gosh no!" Says the old man to the relief of his friend. "I have to get it back though. My teeth are in the pocket!"
senior joke old man teeth coat lunch buddy vat sewage treatment plant
A Sudden Confession
A woman driver is speeding along the highway, when suddenly she gets stopped by a police car which instructs her to pull over. Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Woman: "Oh, I see." Officer: "Can I see your license please?" Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." Officer: "Don't have one?" Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving." Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please." Woman: "I can't do that." Officer: "Why not?" Woman: "I stole this car." Officer: "Stole it?" Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Officer: "You what?" Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Sargent: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: "Is there a problem sir?" Sargent: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Woman: "Murdered the owner?" Sargent: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please." The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Sargent: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The first officer is stunned. Sargent: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license." The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Sargent: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Woman: "I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too."
sergeant police joke confession woman driver speeding
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
DR. SUESS For Seniors
I cannot see I cannot pee I cannot chew I cannot screw. My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell. How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before they year's grown, My goodness, how the time has flown. The Golden Years have come at last The Golden Years can kiss my ass!
senior joke dr. suess funny limerick funny poem golden years
The 2.99 Special
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet..God willing, someday you will be.- the 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
senior breakfast
Using Cold Water to Clean the Dishes
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied: 'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said: 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled: 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: 'Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me!?!'
funny gross animal joke food rural joke animal
Pray For Me, Father
Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it. When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer. The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance. He patiently waits his turn, until he's up next. The preacher asks him: "Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?" "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." he replies. The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear and places his other hand on top of Larry's head. He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn't have any further problems with his hearing. After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry: "Larry, how is your hearing now?" "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."
religion joke priest prayer haring
Owl Puns
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
The Music of the Rainforest
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides... when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, "we hear drums? What does that mean?" The Natives answered, "When drums stop, very bad." Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers started getting nervous. "The drums sound closer, and we think they are getting louder! What does it mean?" "When drums stop, very bad." Doing their best to maintain composure the Europeans kept moving. About 5 minutes later the drums abruptly stop and the explorers panic. "The drums have stopped! What should we do?!" "When drums stop, very bad, now comes bass solo."
dad joke panic nervous amazon bass drums guide solo exploration rainforest natives reluctantly
The Surprise Gift
It was a man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift. Since he was a widower of many years, and after some discussion, they decide to have a hooker come to his house that night and give him the time of his life. Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and sees a hooker standing there in a sexy outfit. She says to the senior: "Hi there, I'm here to give you super sex!" The old man thinks for a moment... then says: "I'll take the soup".
senior joke ring bed gift doorbell dad joke hooker thinks widower
Deaf mute gets new hearing
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
In the French Countryside
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed. Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the police station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah - L'amour! Zis is OK." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Upon hearing this, Jean, leaped up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex." To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." "Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British."
political joke lovemaking joke Joke about British people Joke about English people
Calling the Doctor
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied: "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS."
senior joke doctor joke pharmacy joke prescription medication life refill condition
Teaching a Tribe New Words
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? "My bike."
bike missionary chief tribe tree english rock response teaching ballistic civilized riding a bike grunts
The Physics Oral Exam
The Physics professor decided to test the new students with a simple question: "What is faster, light or sound?" "Well obviously light." "Alright, why?" "Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound" The professor sighs and gives a you're-an-idiot look. He moves to the next student asks the same question. "What is faster, light or sound?" "Well obviously it is sound." "Uhhh what?? Why do you think this?" "Well when I turn on my TV, I first hear it and then comes the picture." Extremely annoyed the professor is now a bit pissed off. He believes that maybe the question is too hard for these pea brains and tries to vary it. The next student he asks "You are on the foot of a mountain. On the summit there is a cannon being fired. Do you first see the light of the fire or do you first hear the sound?" "Obviously you first see the light." Slightly hopeful the professor says "YES and why is that?" "Well the eyes are obviously further ahead than the ears."
school joke professor student physics eyes light tv teacher joke ears sound question
The Booming Voice
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. "I'm done for!" he cries in despair. "No you are NOT!" - comes a booming voice from all around him. "Listen carefully son, and do exactly what I say. Grab the spear from the man on your left use it to stab their chief in the heart." The man grabbed the spear and in a strength born of panic he stabbed the chief, who collapses, dead. The remainder of the tribe stare at him in disbelief. You could hear a pin drop a 100 feet away. "Now what???" - the man asked the voice. And the booming voice answers: "NOW, my son, you're done for."
religion joke island chief voice beach native surrounded warrior dark joke booming despair
How to Annoy Nelson Mandela
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Please leave", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he shoves the smaller man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, the same man is standing there thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
political joke silly joke nelson mandela chinese delivery man
Flower Puns
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Going to Hooters
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay, let's give it a try."
food senior joke golf legs parking lunch washington florida new york boobs shorts gorgeous discount hooters
Space Puns
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
Monkey Puns
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
The Best Senior Games
Lately there has been talk about inventing some more fun games for seniors. After all, we're the ones with all the free time! Some suggestions: Sag, You're it. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. Questions Shouted into your Good Ear. Kick the Bucket. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over. Doc, Doc Goose. Simon Says Something Incoherent. Hide and Go Pee Spin the Bottle of Mylanta and last but not least - A Fun round of Musical Recliners!
senior senior joke games
The New Confessional
Michael Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Sighing, thinking about his many sins, he gets into the church. Spotting there is no line at the confessional, he pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. Shocked, he realizes here's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. On the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. "Father, forgive me." Says Murphy. "I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that this place is much better than it used to be!" The priest freezes and stares at him. "Get out, you idiot. You're on MY side!"
religion joke priest confession church years confessional idiot murphy sins freezes stares get out
A Politician in the Village
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. "We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader. "Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor." On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem. "...secondly Sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in this village."
political joke phone doctor hospital politician village reception
Fire Puns
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


text:
Medline NLM definition for head injury: General or unspecified injuries involving the head.
Medline NLM definition for brain injury: Acute injuries to the brain, general or unspecified.
see also Migraine and headache pages
Brain injury: factsheet from NINDS, the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (US site)
Brain injury: information from the NHS website
Head injury: information from Patient UK website
PubMed (Medline) search on brain injuries
Promotes understanding of all aspects of head injury and provides information, support and services to people with head injury, their families and carers.
Brain Injury Rehabilitation Trust (BIRT)
Provides residential and day services to meet the needs of individuals with Autism, Brain Injury, Physical Disability and Learning Disability, also provides care and support to enable living in the community and support at home.
Brainwave is a UK Charity dedicated to provision of therapy programmes for the brain injured.
British Institute for Brain Injured Children
Information and advice for families with children with brain injuries
Child Brain Injury Trust (CBIT)
The Child Brain Injury Trust (CBIT) is a UK-wide charity offering support, information and training on acquired brain injury in children.
The Migraine Trust
The Trust provides a helpline, newsletter, information service, and local support groups.
NHS Inform: brain, nerves and spinal cord NHS inform is Scotland's national health information service, with the aim of providing the people in Scotland with accurate and relevant information to help them make informed decisions about their own health and the health of the people they care for.
Queen Square Library, incorporating the Queen Square Archives.
UCL Institute of Neurology & The National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery
1st Floor, 23 Queen Square, London WC1N 3BG, UK | Tel: 020 3448 4709 x84144 | neurolibrary@ucl.ac.uk | follow us on twitter


Law programs sometimes use targeted questions that will help them get to know you even better. Let's look at 3 of the most common supplemental essay prompts here. Even if you don't have one of these exact prompts, it's highly likely that you're dealing with something similar.
For more information on how to deal with these essay questions, or with any more specific essay questions you might have, visit EssayEdge and start working with its crew of expert essay editors today!
It seems like a simple question, but in reality the answer is rarely anything simple. If you're applying to a school that you've always wanted to attend, and you have a million different reasons for wanting to go there, you probably won't have any trouble with such a prompt. But what about all the other schools you're applying to as well? And what if you don't even really have a favorite or top choice yet?
The secret to succeeding with a prompt like this is to take time and do some research. I'm not talking about simply cruising over to the program's website and throwing some figures about job placement and faculty accomplishments into your essay. The admission officers are all too familiar with their institutions' talking points, and if they see those in your response, they're probably just going to yawn.
Instead, try to figure out at least one aspect of that program that really calls to you. Look for professors who have conducted research or study that somehow connects to your own prior work. Look for opportunities that are unique to that place and that you fully plan on seizing. Look for ways in which you match what that school is looking for, and then sell yourself to them.
Such a topic may be closely connected to a personal statement, but in this instance, they're specifically asking you to focus on nothing but the future. In fact, they probably want to hear your plans for the post-law-school future, so don't spend a bunch of time focused on your research plans. A question like this enables the admission committee to gauge what you'd do with the degree you're seeking to earn. If you don't have a relatively clear and planned answer, it will make them wonder why you're pursuing this degree in the first place.
To tackle this prompt, sketch out your 5 and 10-year goals, along with some longer-term aspirations. Don't worry about making these too detailed; everyone knows that it's extremely difficult to hit the nail on the head when you're looking so far into the future. Instead, try to make sure that they seem plausible and are clearly connected to you and your intended course of study.
When confronting a prompt like this, your task couldn't be any simpler. My only comment here is to avoid repeating your resume in essay form. You probably can't fit everything in, so you're going to want to focus on the most important and influential experiences. When discussing these, focus on your own work/contributions and what you ultimately gained from those. Don't delve into a play-by-play of course syllabi or the methodology of your research project.
That doesn't cover everything, but it should give you a decent starting point regardless of what type of essay that you're working with. Regardless of your particular prompt or program, the most important thing is that you begin the essay writing process by carefully analyzing what you're supposed to be writing and who's going to be reading what you write. Diving right in without such careful thought will often result in an essay that misses the mark.


text:
Metoxipentano é um éter de fórmula

Éteres