text:
Seven from Heaven
A theatrical installation by HP Trauschke
Bird headed beings
HP Trauschke
The sinister deeds of Benjamin Bloom – Book III
Copyright by Hans Peter Trauschke
Chapter I – 风暴
The last 30 month Benjamin did everything in his might that could give the story a turn and finally rescue Yasha's life but she didn't understand, nevertheless she was so proud about her ability to think. What's the worth to be a genius if you're not able to listen when it comes to your own deeds, when you're blinded by your genius, blinded by your vanity, deaf when you're in danger? Yasha was convinced that Benjamin wanted to take revenge and downright forced him to do so. Months ago he sent his books to a publisher, that was astonished about them and convinced that they'll be a huge success, that they will hit the ground like a bomb and bring Benjamin in the situation that he can finance his project by himself. For Benjamin it became a horrible situation. His success will destroy the woman he loved, the woman that was kind of responsible for his discoveries, the woman that was part of him, the woman that made him a whole. He was mad like never before in his life, sad like never before, desperate like never before. Yes, the doorkeeper did a perfect job. Benjamin will destroy what he loves the most and there was no way out. Everything was lost! He was sitting in his studio, crying like a baby, writing and hoping that he'll find words that calm him, give him some air to breath and take away his pain. He couldn't understand that Yasha did that to him, that she forced him to be her destroyer. Everything could have been so easy solved. One word from her. Only one word. Instead she sent him her avatars, that made him even more sick about her. He didn't even translated and read it anymore, but deleted and blocked them. "Why do you do that to me, Yasha? Tell me! Why? Why do you want me to destroy you? Why?"
Chapter II – 蒙蔽了双眼
"Don't cry Benjamin, you've done your best and there was the time even me was convinced that Yasha changes the side. You have my deep respect! I really will miss her. She was one of my best!" "Fuck you, doorkeeper. Just go fuck yourself. I'm not done with you either. Don't be too narcissistic. Your time will come to an end too." "You're so cute when you're mad Benjamin. Too sad that you won't become friends with me. You're talented Benjamin! That you have the guts to destroy what you love really surprises me. I was pretty sure that you'll let her go. It looks like you've underestimated my influence on you too, which is kind of satisfying." "Oh you think you have influences on me? Well, I've never underestimated your evil power. You'll be surprised what's happening next." "What shall happen, Benjamin? You'll destroy what you love. You've lost, Benjamin!" "Well, if that's what you believe, then be happy with it. As I say, you'll be surprised!" "What shall that surprise be, Benjamin?" "Well doorkeeper, it wouldn't be a surprise if I tell you! Just so much. You're way to vain to see what's coming. You won't even see it when it's right in front of you. I'll teach you the art of war and it will be your last one!" "What are you planing, Benjamin?" "You'll see, doorkeeper, and it will be the last thing you'll see!"
Chapter III – 思维
"I really should have killed you when I had the chance, Benjamin. I knew you'll take revenge. Don't ever say again that love me." Benjamin didn't say anything, looked in Yashas black diamond eyes that where sparkling like a supernova. "Why do you do that? You've said we're one! You've said it will never end! You've said you'll support me! Your words are worth nothing, Benjamin. You're even worse than I am. Look back at these 30 month and see how much I gave you! Even that you're writing again is based on me. Everything you have and are is based on me. I am your muse! I've made you see! I've made you think and understand! I showed you the truth! Don't believe that you can send me to the slaughter house and I don't defend myself! I'm not a sheep, Benjamin! I'm a queen!" "That's true, you're a queen and I'm wondering when you start thinking and acting like one. You're so proud of your ability to think. When do you plan to start doing it?" "What shall I think Benjamin? You've said it all. It's clear. You can't have me, so you'll destroy me!" "Can't have you? Hahahaha. Oh Yasha, you think I'm jealous? Me? Jealous of what? Nobody ever will have you like I do! Nobody ever will be loved by you like you love me! It's devastating that you actually can't think. It's devastating that you don't get the point! You think it's all about you or us! It's not, Yasha. There are more important things in life than the life of you and me!" "You really think you can defeat the doorkeeper! Oh Benjamin you have no idea with whom you're dealing with. He destroyed others than you. Real kings, not wannabes like you! You're mighty, no question, but this might depends on me, Benjamin! I've opened you the doors to the castle, but you rather be poor instead of celebrating your life." "Really that's what you think. Nothing that I have depends on you , Yasha. Absolutely nothing! All I have is really mine. All you have belongs to the doorkeeper and as you can see, he don't give a fuck about you! You better think about that, and who knows, perhaps it will open your eyes. Start thinking my queen! That's the only advice I have for you. Start thinking! That's your only chance. Don't count on the doorkeeper. You should count on me!" "Count on the man that will destroy me? How dare you! I'll send the apocalyptic riders after you! That's what I do!" "Hahahaha, the apocalyptic riders! Hahahaha, oh Yasha, you really believe these fairytales! You're so cute and so stupid! Start the fuck thinking! But first, start listening! It's easier to think when you know what you have to think about! Listen! You're a musician! You need to listen!" "I've listened, Benjamin! I've heard your lies about your love for me!" "Tell me one of the lies you've heard, Yasha! Just one! But please, don't make things up!" Yasha couldn't say anything, because there were no lies. Not even one! Her eyes slowly filled with tears that gave her black diamonds a silky smooth shine that forced Benjamin to embrace her. "What shall I think, Benjamin? Tell me! What shall I think?" "I can't tell you Yasha! Unfortunately I can't tell you. You need to find out by yourself!"
Chapter IV – 墙壁
Benjamin was walking through the town that had a light fragrance of spring in the air, which reached his lunges like the promises of love when Yasha contacted him. "I don't know what to think, Benjamin. There's only confusion in my mind. Nothing makes sense anymore. You're a complete mystery. Your words sounds like a foreign language nobody ever spoke. I don't understand you, Benjamin. How can I listen?" "It's the tone, that makes the music, Yasha! And every tone has its story behind. I thought you've understood that already!" "I did, Benjamin, and you can hear it when I'm playing." "Well, how comes that you can't hear and understand my tone then? There are a thousand ways to say 'I love you', but only one that can reach your heart. You still listen to the words. Start listening to my tones. Then you'll be able to think about. Not with your brain, but with your heart! Yeah, Yasha, you'll be surprised, your heart can think!" "I don't get it, Benjamin. What you wanna tell me?" "Yasha, I've told you everything but it only reaches your mind. No wonder that you don't understand. Go back to our first night and listen to Mozart again and how he made music on his wife's body. I know, you say he's to simple, but unfortunately you still haven't understood." Benjamin went to a bar, ordered some red wine and started to read his 'Wonderful deeds' again. Everything was there, everything was told, but nothing that she understood. He felt like he was talking to a wall, that absorbed every word and made it part of itself. Stronger, higher, wider. No wonder that she never understood. None of his tones ever reached her heart.
Chapter V – 桥梁
"The god in you is one with her, the human in you abhors the greed but loves her." This was Benjamins truth. How to build a bridge over such an abyss. It tore him up that he couldn't find the right question, his mind immersed in fog, his heart wounded, bleeding. He worked with steel again, formed it with his bare hands, dived into the subatomic structure of the material, made it flow, became one with it, burning, dancing with Hades in the embers with Yashas first published playlist in their ears. She was around almost every day, watching Benjamin fighting the elements, laughing, loving, embracing him, sleeping in his arms when he rested, coming to his dreams when they closed their eyes. Dreams that were never dreamed before, in colors never seen, sounds that only she could do, that framed the scene in her goddess style. She ruled Benjamins life however she wanted and did it in the most wonderful way, gave him everything he needed, destroyed everything he wanted, let him think things never thought before, made him smile, love, celebrate each second. The force acted through this majestic goddess like the wind bowing everything on its way, made it impossible to withstand, presenting a world full of seductions. 'Do you know who you are' his repeated question to Yasha. She knew what she's able to do, but didn't know who she is, which was the biggest mystery for Benjamin. Yasha didn't know who she is, didn't even understood when Benjamin told her, handling forces that weren't in her control. Benjamin worked on the Chinese gods that tried to withstand their situation, in which he forced them to dance for him, move the imaginary into reality, to give him what he needed most; Yashas human love!
Chapter VI – 舞蹈
Yasha rested in Benjamins arms, the eyes closed, thus her hot tears couldn't burn her cheeks. Their bodies were closely entwined and felt like one. "Oh Benjamin, what have we done?" "We wanted to know, Yasha. We wanted to know who we are and now we're trapped." "What shall we do, Benjamin? There must be something we can do. Something that frees us. Something that takes our pain away. Please Benjamin, do something!" She cried uninhibited, her tears meandered over Benjamins face, burned tiny red valleys in his skin, which he cooled with his own tears. "I have no idea anymore Yasha. I really don't know what to do. Every step forward or backwards seems to make everything even worse. There's no escape, Yasha. The misfortune is on its peak and all we can do is waiting until it's over. We went to far, Yasha. We missed the point of return. Now we know! Instead of loving we're killing each other." "Benjamin please don't say that. I love you. I'm sure I love you, and I'm convinced you love me too. That's what I know." "Whom of the two in you loves me, Yasha? Do you know? There's one that fears me. That's what I know!" "Both do love you, Benjamin, both! And both do fear you, Benjamin, both!" "There's no fear in love, Yasha! There is no fear! It might be something else that you feel. It's not love, Yasha! Desire is probably the best description. We wouldn't be in this situation when there would be love. You don't love Yasha, you desire! And you're mad when I tell you that truth. From the very beginning you've got mad about that truth." "I'm not mad anymore, Benjamin. You're probably right. I don't know. All I know is that I need you like water and air." "It's called desire, Yasha! Why don't you think with your heart, see with your heart, hear with your heart and feel with your heart. It's so easy. That could be a way to escape, Yasha. I guess the key is in you. I just can tell you that you have this key, but it's on you to use it. There's a dancer and a singer in both of us. It's not like you're the singer and I'm the dancer. I can sing too, and so can you dance. Just listen with your heart. And when you hear my song, Yasha, then you should dance!" "I've never danced, Benjamin. You know that. But I would love to dance to your song. Just sing and I'll try to dance. But don't laugh! Promise!" Yasha was cutest when she was insecure and surely made Benjamin immediately laughing. "I've said don't laugh, Benjamin." She took the pillow and covered Benjamins face. "Don't laugh Benjamin!" "Let me laugh, Yasha, please! There's so little we can laugh about right now. So little that opens our hearts and let fresh air coming in." Yasha took the pillow away and kissed Benjamin on his closed eyes. "Sing a song that takes my fear away, Benjamin, and I promise I will dance. I'll dance for you Benjamin." "Let's sing and dance together Yasha. How about 'Diamonds'?" "Oh yes, that could take my fear away, Benjamin!" Yasha slowly started to croon in Benjamins ears and gave her song the first words: "Shine bright like a diamond" and Benjamin repeated "Shine bright like a diamond", took her up in his arms and they danced and sung like it will be the last and first thing they'll do together. There was no doubt that they were one, no doubt that they could be a singer and a dancer, no doubt that this realization could be their way out, no doubt that their luck was greater providence. "Let's go down the water, Benjamin. I wanna dance on the water and enjoy the sun on her highest point! It's so beautiful out there today."
Chapter VII – 影子
Benjamin peeled himself out of his warm bed, went through his ice cold studio into the hot shower, Mozarts piano concerto No. 20 played by Martha in his ears and wasn't sure if he's still dreaming. The water felt soft like oil and spoke to him. "You're running late Benjamin. The sun is almost on the highest point and you know that Yasha won't wait!" Now Benjamin knew that he was still dreaming, that he was still trapped in an unknown world, listening to the elements that laughed about him. "We're not laughing Benjamin, we're trying to make you understand. She won't be there, but you have to be there anyway. You have to be there, laughing about yourself, opening your mind for the coldest air and listening to life's enemy. Listen carefully, Benjamin and you'll feel the might that can defeat it." Benjamin took the train over to the pier. The sun was covered behind icy clouds and the cold air was biting his lunges like a swarm of angry hornets. He was breathing as less as possible, surrounded by an absolute silence, when the doorkeeper came out of the water. "Is that the surprise you have for me, Benjamin? That you wait at places she will never go again? What are you looking for, Benjamin? For Yasha? You look so paltry, Benjamin!" "Actually I was looking for you, doorkeeper. And there you are, in your full arrogance!" The clouds slowly disappeared and made place for the sun which caused the doorkeeper to look for shadows. "You can stand and hide in my shadow, doorkeeper! It's big enough for such a dwarf. Look at you! Who's paltry now? My shadow the place where you need to hide. Surprise, surprise! The dwarf can't stand the sun. Go behind me then, cause that's your place! In the shadows of my light!"
Chapter VIII – 火焰
Benjamin walked along the Hudson River, the doorkeeper right behind him, hiding in his shadow. From time to time Benjamin moved aside to let the sun burn the doorkeepers fur. He was always the speed of light behind, got hit by the sun, moved back in Benjamins shadow, screaming like a rat. "You can't stand the sun and so does Yasha. It's you that speaks through her! It's you and she don't know! I'll make sure that she'll know, you dwarf!" Benjamin made sure that the doorkeeper couldn't escape to another shadow, trapped him in free field, enlightened by the sun. "What's up, dwarf? Where's your arrogance now? Yasha will know and she'll open her heart at the very same moment. Dwarf, you'll have difficulties to hold her in your shady world." He move aside, burned the dwarf again, laughing. "It's called the art of war my dwarf. You thought you've got me desperate, but instead you showed me your weak point! Come on, be arrogant, my dwarf, for that I have a reason to burn your fur again! You should see yourself my little dwarf. You're a complete disgrace and I'll yank you in the light, therefore Yasha can see the burning dwarf that causes her pain! Come on, dwarf, be arrogant and I'll gonna burn the shit out off you! Right here, right now!"
Chapter IX – 心跳
"Be careful Benjamin! When it's true and you are right, that it speaks and acts through me, it probably speaks and acts through all of us!" "Sure, Yasha, it's in all of us! I've told so many times. That's the point. It's in me too! But I could detect it with your help and we can proof its existence! That is the game changer! And now we know the dwarfs weak point. It can't stand the sun!" "What does that mean, Benjamin? It still has half a day to act hidden in us, and the other half we fulfill its destructive influence. And all of us are convinced to have free will!" "Are you still convinced, Yasha?" "I don't know what to think anymore. Life was so easy before I entered yours, but you questioned everything. How do you survive?" "I've asked the right questions and the answers give me strength. All I'm missing is that you ask too!" "What's the question, Benjamin?" "What is it in us that lies, steals, betrayals and murders! I've told you that long time ago, but your heart couldn't listen. Can it listen now?" "I'm not sure, Benjamin. It all makes sense but seems to easy." "Well Yasha, life is actually a very simple structure. The basics fit into an ants brain. I've told you everything and wondered that you didn't understood. But I'm not wondering anymore, cause it's not only you that speaks and acts, nor is it only you that listen. You don't trust me because it makes you doubting all I say. But there's a way to see the truth. See, listen, speak and feel with your heart, and you'll detect the difference." "You know I'm convinced that it's all about my brain. My whole career is based on the capacity to make my fingers move the way I think!" "No doubt! You think therefore you are. Try to think Mozart with your brain and then with your heart. Let your fingers move based on your heart and you'll hear the difference. You probably trust me then, because it's my heart that speaks to you, not my brain. Just do me and yourself the favor and try it. You'll see, there's nothing to lose, we can only win!"
Chapter X – 孩子
"Yasha, when Zarathustra says he needs to become a child again, he's talking about thinking with his heart again, loving again." "I can't think just with my heart, Benjamin! How do you do it?" "It's about the conclusions you have. When it's supportive, than it's your heart that thinks, when it's destructive, than it's your brain. Guess you know the difference between destruction and support?!" "Isn't that too black and white?" "Perhaps you like this picture better. Destruction is a grey scale, support is the color scale." They looked at each other like they haven't looked for a long time and a million colors shined through their eyes. Benjamin was enchanted by Yashas beauty, thought about the nights when she last time looked at him like she did right now and almost lost his mind. "Just take me in your arms Benjamin. That would be enough for now. My heart did understand!" The energy that filled his studio let the light bulbs flare and when he took her in his arms they finally burned out. The colors in their eyes, the only thing to see.
Chapter XI – 雨
Yasha left right after they embraced each other, wondering what the conclusions of her heart will be and so did Benjamin. He needed a felt hour to take the first breath after Yasha left, filled his lunges like he survived to drawn, with a heart beat that made his sculptures dance in the light of his still colored eyes. Suddenly these Chinese goddesses danced like they never did before which robbed Benjamin another time his breath, his heart beating like the drums of fauns. 'Two souls are living in your breast,' shot it through his head and heart, 'make sure you understand for whom they dance.' Benjamin knew for whom they dance, knew that it's time again to step back, concentrate on his project which he carefully approached again. It was so satisfying for him when he forced himself to only listen to his heart, that gave him strength, silence, clearance, happiness, the forces which brought him always one step closer to his targets. He went out for a walk in the rain, moved to the sounds of his heart, celebrated the rain drops that tasted like kisses from life and reminded him which enormous might this life has. It was able to survive the most catastrophic events and Benjamin was sure it's a question of time that it defeats its worst enemy ever, that took place in the human species as its second soul, described in thousands of historic texts, myths, artworks and music, many times detect as the enemy it actually is, but only to proof by science.
Chapter XII – 颜色的声音
Benjamin was wet like a straying cat when he came back to his studio, where Yasha, wet like another straying cat, surprisingly waited for him. There was nothing to say, everything was clear when they went up in his studio. She came gently closer to him, kissed his eyes which always made him imagine the wonders of fulfilled desires and whispered in his ear. "Show me more of these colors, Benjamin! I want to see them all, and in exchange I'll let you hear the sounds of all of them!" Before her words even reached Benjamin ears, he opened her dress which glided like an ocean wave over her wet silky body down to her high heels and robbed him his mind. Her steaming body was more enchanting than a rainbow, more graceful than a hunting leopard, sweeter than honey, hotter than liquid lava and in his hands light as a feather. He moved her upside down, his lips enclosed her kingdom, his lungs breathing her life spending air, his hands holding her quivering hips, while whole Harlem was listening to her magic colorful sounds.
Chapter XIII – 变化
Yasha stayed overnight, seeing colors only they could see, which Yasha transformed in sounds only she could make, but didn't know until this very moment. The sounds of colored love. When they finally slept in, they were one body, one breath, one heart, with a beat based on the unknown colors they discovered, gliding in the dream that brought them once together, did everything to change its direction, thereby they could survive it. When Benjamin woke up by the sound of the fright elevator and turned his head aside, Yasha was already gone, the dancing goddess that belonged to her still silently moving. He tried to remember the changes of the dream they did, wrapped his mind around each single detail, until he heard that they changed the language of one sentence. It sounded like Chinese and Benjamin didn't understood a word, wasn't sure about the consequences of this change, tried to contact Yasha, but couldn't reach her. He went up and under the steaming shower, washed the blood out of his wounds, that were caused by Yashas bites and made sure that his mouth, that was still filled with her liquid desire, was the last he washed out. Why did she change the language in the dream, thereby Benjamin couldn't understand it, and how could it be that their actions and everything else was still the same? He went out of the shower, took his phone, wrote the sentence in the phone, translated it to Chinese and listen to it, but it was different than the sound in the changed dream.
Chapter XIV – 威力
'This is the same truth.' Benjamin turned his heart around this sentence, questioning why Yasha changed the language to Chinese, obviously also changed the sentence itself, because it sounds different, but since he didn't spoke Chinese, he wasn't able to understand and Yasha refused his try to contact her. He went to a Chinese restaurant, tried to repeat the sentence he heard and asked the waitress for translation. She looked at him as if she saw the devil himself when he tried to speak Chinese, refused to translate, disappeared in the kitchen where she talked to the chef of the restaurant, which came soon after the conversation to Benjamin, asking him to repeat the sentence, what Benjamin immediately did. The chef got mad and said, "You're saying: the truth is, god is the devil!", and pleased Benjamin to leave the restaurant. Benjamin thanked the chef for his help, apologized for the inconvenience, left the restaurant, went for a walk, spinning his mind around Yashas change, wondering if Yasha knew that truth before or after they traveled the universe together. He often was convinced that she must have known it before, but every time he wanted to talked about, she refused the conversation, changing the subject, leaving him back with a lack of understanding. Now he was absolutely convinced that she understood who they are. Two half gods, one spirit, separated in two human bodies. A singer and a dancer. Information and movement. A god equal force.
Chapter XV – 心脏
There was still a perspective that Yasha knew everything long before she entered Benjamins life, that she was actually from the very beginning the one that tried to help him to survive the hunt on him, that he misinterpreted many of her actions, that she got afraid the moment Benjamin was convinced that she's part of that criminal gang. But what should he do with all the informations that once convinced him that she was the bait to catch and kill him? 'Listen to your heart', shot it through his head. 'Listen to your heart! Turn off your mind!' His heart actually never questioned her love, never questioned his own love, never questioned his conclusions, never doubted that these half gods in them were one and every time she came to him, every time he came her, every time they loved each other, should have been proof for him that she knew and was always with him. It was like she said, everything he is, everything he does, everything he discovered, was based on her actions. She was ever since the one that gave him the strength to survive and grow. He felt horrible, because he was in similar situations many times, where his heart told him to trust and follow her advice and only listen to his heart. What could he do now, where was the exit of this dilemma that surrounded him like the oceans the earth. 'Listen to your heart!'
Chapter XVI – 笑
"So Benjamin, what did your heart tell you?" "It hasn't told me much yet, Yasha, it's mostly laughing, which feels good but is embarrassing for my mind. The little it has told me, might be probably already enough." "What did it say, Benjamin, please tell me?! I hope you've listened carefully!" "Since I had no other choice, I did! I guess that's why it's laughing. It said that mostly everything I've told you, was actually for myself." Yasha started laughing too, showed Benjamin her silk tender tongue and her ivory teeth, fell into his arms, embraced him with all her strength, stepped a little back, opened his shirt and kissed his heart. "Oh, thank you my heart! Finally there's someone he's listening too! You should laugh out louder, thereby the whole world can hear it! It bet there are hundreds of people out there that where waiting for this moment! He himself is listening to his heart and not just teaching others to do so!" She kissed his heart again as if it had saved Benjamins life, looked in his naive eyes, kissed his slightly open lips, which felt like a liberation for him. "Oh Benjamin, you have no idea how much I was waiting for this moment!" "I hope I'm not to late, Yasha!" "It's never to late to follow its heart, Benjamin. Let's dance!"
Chapter XVII – 气息
"May I please you to finish the 'Endgame Variations' now, Benjamin? I would love to go forward with my rehearsal and it seems like you can wrap my experiences and perspectives of our adventures in colors I've never seen before, which forces sounds in me I've never played before!" "It will be my humble pleasure, Yasha! I was already wondering if you'll use them and can't wait to hear them live transformed into your glorious sounds." "To bad that you don't have a piano here. I would love to play for us the first 12 Variations." "Yasha, I try hear you playing during I'm writing. Guess that's why like them. As you said, it's your perspective of our adventures." Yasha took Benjamins head in her magic hands, donated him her tender breath which filled Benjamins lunges with all her love, transformed his blood into liquid gold, his flesh burning like tinder in the sun, his heart beating in the rhythm of Yashas desire, the whiff of a goddess.
Chapter XVII – 恆
When Benjamin awoke the next morning with the first sunbeams, his heart was still laughing, forcing himself to smile like it was the first time he ever saw a sunrise. He listened to Yashas Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 2, wondering who he became during the last 30 month, what kind of wonders he discovered with Yasha, which crazy things they did, knowing that it will go on forever, that they'll unwrap all the secrets of love, that they'll always listening to their laughing hearts and encounter in their day and night dreams. "So now you all of a sudden want to love me only in your dreams, Benjamin? You don't plan to commit your love in person?" "I've done it two times Yasha and looked like a hilarious clown, didn't I?!" "Actually you did, Benjamin! But all good things are three! Don't forget!" "You think I could fail better?" "Well, you've pushed it almost to the peak, Benjamin! Why not trying to come up there?! I was sure you'll try to fail the best!" "Be convinced I will! I know life will give my laughing heart a better chance to fail. To fail the best! Somehow I feel I'm close to it. Probably already today at noon, thereby the sun can put it in her glorious light!" "Probably, Benjamin, probably! You're a fantastic clown and you have duration in searching for the deepest fall. That's what I always admired the most, Benjamin. You don't hesitate to look hilarious!" "So, let's find out!" "We'll find out, Benjamin, we'll find out! Probably not today, but you should give it a try!"
Chapter XVIII – 天使
"Benjamin, you were too late! How you wanna fail the best when you're not even in time?" "Yasha, I went to the wrong place, which comes in my eyes the peak of failure again a little closer. But how do you know? You weren't even there at all!" "How do you know, Benjamin?" "Wasn't it you that said that we all need some little secrets?" "Benjamin, you know it better, there are no real secrets anymore, since I'm looking through your right eye!" "Well, you don't know why I know! A secret right there!" "Anyhow. What was that video you published today? Are you planning to put an angel on top of my house?" "How comes that you don't know, Yasha? Oh, I forgot you can't look through my eye 24/7, and there's also the pirate eye patch! Surprise, surprise! I know love surprises, Yasha, just like me! You can sleep underneath an angel! How cool is that?!" "That will be wonderful, Benjamin! You're really full of surprises! I love it!" "Thank you so much, Yasha. I'm so glad you love the idea to sleep underneath my angel!" "I can't imagine any better, Benjamin! Is that my birthday gift?" "No Yasha, as you know that would be 2 days too early and would bring bad luck. We don't wanna have that anymore! Don't we?" "Not at all, Benjamin. We had so many bad luck, it's time for the good luck now!" "Exactly, Yasha! It's time to get in control of the luck!"
Chapter XIX – 臨
"So, Benjamin, you want to fail the best? Congratulations, you're almost there!" "You know, doorkeeper, I've often ask myself to whom you really speak, to the half god in me, which should be under your control, or the human being with its laughing heart. I came to the conclusion that you must have lost control over that half god and that's why you're so nervous, showing up almost every other day, trying to seed doubts. You know that he knows who he is, that he's like a mistletoe attached to me, fulfilling your dirty work, which you're not able to do yourself. And the other half of that god is in Yasha and for sure started to question itself too. It looks like, that this half isn't convinced yet about its situation, but it started to question its reality. Yes, doorkeeper it's questioning itself! So, what's my chance to convince it? Let me tell you. It's the inner truth, that doesn't need a material form to impact!" "Hmm, Benjamin you're really full of surprises. It looks like I underestimated you again and I don't like it anymore. You're becoming a real danger for me." "Shouldn't you say for us?! Aren't there many of your kind?!" The doorkeeper didn't answer right away, which told Benjamin that he's right with his conclusion. There are more of his kind and they live all on the energy produced by the human destruction which they control with these second soul in them. "Doorkeeper we're coming closer to truth! Don't we?!" "Hmm…" "Come on answer! Normally you're not ashamed to tell a lie, claiming that's the truth!" The doorkeeper still didn't answer, which made Benjamin laugh and deride him. He was close the truth and he could smell it! "Yeah, doorkeeper, you'll see, with me, you guys fail the best!"
Chapter XX – 失败
Ever since Benjamin read Beckett's words, 'fail again, fail better', he was wondering what the consequences of an ultimate failure would look like and now where he was with Yasha at that peak of failure, he knew. There's nothing to see anymore, your heart burns, your mind is bleary, your lunges are gasping for air, your blood boils, your skin freezes, your eardrums shakes your brain, your saliva drys out, your stuffy nose can't smell, all colors are gone, and then, the consequences of this ultimate failure slowly disappear, like the morning fog in the raising sun, which reveals you a complete new world, in which nothing is related to your past anymore. Not forgotten, but gone. Like a new world, a new life, the first breath of fresh air, real love! It was so silent and Benjamin took a deep breath, filled his lunges with this love, put out the fire in his heart, warmed his skin and cooled down his blood. It was Yashas birthday on which Benjamin failed the best and he wished her that she had the same experience, the same fresh air, the same true love in her lunges. The peak of failure is so silent, one can't even imagine. Like a total resignation that feeds you with peace. Nevertheless one is very sad, with the saltiest tears, hoping that there's soon a sunset to watch.
Chapter XXI – 生存
It was still Yashas birthday, when Benjamin awoke the next morning, listening to the rain that washed the dust from his windows and his heart started to heal. Yasha was looking through his right eye, irritated, searching for some answers, but couldn't find even one, so Benjamin closed that eye again. It was a grey morning and impossible to detect some colors. The night before his bleeding heart pleased, no it begged him to let that half-god in him fail, somehow get rid of it, cut it out of his brain if necessary, thereby itself was able to survive. It was beating slowly now, the only organ that Benjamin felt, wounded by a million lies, which the half-god in Yasha called a game. Benjamin worried how her heart felt now, connected to it, saw it fighting for survival, beating out of any rhythm. Her half-god on the other hand was alive and kicking, but still didn't understood what it had done.
Chapter XXII – 思维
"What the heck is going on Benjamin? Is that your birthday surprise, that you ruin it? Out off the nothing!" "Yasha, it wasn't for sure my intention, I had other plans and it wasn't out off the nothing. Not at all, as you should know! You really still don't know what you do, or you just don't care! Out off the nothing! How dare you, to even come to me again with your lying angel face! You open your mouth and it's a lie. Sometimes I think you just don't know it better. You might call it game, but there are real deeds with real wounded people. I know it wasn't on purpose. I know you actually have huge desires, but there's no love. I know your deeds just went out of control. But you're missing permanently the points I offer you to regain control and I can't see that you'll ever be able to change that, because you're not in control of yourself, nor do you try! And you're not in control, because what you admire the most, your ability to think, doesn't work when it comes to your heart. I connected to your dying heart this morning and I couldn't stand it! How can you do? How can you bear your ice cold mind? That heart in you will die, Yasha! And so will you and then me! And all because you don't listen!" "You kill that heart, Benjamin! If you would have understood my actions at the beginning, 30 month ago, then we wouldn't be in this horrifying situation!" "You think I didn't understand? The only thing I didn't understand was your way to hide your claimed love! When I love, I show it and don't hide behind avatars. So my conclusion could only be that you don't love! There's no way that one love and don't want to show it and give it, because that wouldn't be love! Can you and your established mind get that? We're close to killing each other! Can you even imagine how much your actions went out of control? You're so proud of your ability to think, wondering that others can't do the same, but never wonder why! What are your thoughts worth then? Nothing, Yasha, nothing! Yesterday I almost killed the other half of you, myself, to let my heart survive. Can you think that?! Obviously you can't! You have no reason to be proud of anything you're able to think! You don't know and you don't listen! It's your birthday Yasha, the day we watched together more than two years ago and you still don't understand! I have no idea how you can be proud! My heart and with it the other half of you, which is me, almost died today and you show me pride! I'm convinced now, more than ever, I'm not taking to you, I'm talking the doorkeeper and I beg your heart now to think about it! Yasha, we'll both die if you don't let to do it, and I please you to give me a sign that you let do it!"
Chapter XXIII – 一
"Benjamin I wasn't sure if I should risk to tell you what I'm gonna tell now, but unfortunately you don't leave me any other chance. A couple of days ago I thought again, like so many times, that you've got it and we finally can move on, but you change your directions like a flag in the wind! So I stop the wind and please you to listen carefully! As you know, it was me that came to you because I knew who we are, but I also had to find out that you're like a fish and almost not to teach! You need to do things a thousand times before you get it and you run around like a proud peacock. We're trapped on this planet, Benjamin, but we're not trapped in the bodies. We can leave them, as you know. When you once wrote that you can see me in every other woman, I was sure you've got it! I was sure you'll give me the chance to love you with a body of one of them, but you did it only ones. Why didn't you go further with it? I can be in all of them and so can you! You can be in all the other men! I've even showed you pictures of the one I chose, so you can love me like only you can love me, please me like only you can please me, satisfy me like only you can satisfy me! But no, you don't get! You leave me alone with this baby peacock, that asked me how he was after he pleased himself! You're so blind Benjamin! So arrogant! So brutal! You send me through hell and think you know something! You don't know shit, Benjamin! You don't listen to my music since months! You could hear that it's you! It's your information transformed in sounds! Well, you did ones, just to tell me that I'm to kill, without realizing that it's you that is ready to kill! Yes we're one, Benjamin, and you're the information of my movements. Btw, that's why I still can't play Mozart! It's you, Benjamin, that doesn't love! It's not me! You think you can surprise me? You can't! Because all you do is based on my information! Look at you, look at all the success you have! You're still alive because of me, Benjamin! They would have killed you without me! I'm not the bait, I'm your savior! I brought you to NY and close to me, thereby you're save! But you let the doorkeeper influence you day by day. You don't go through the doors I let you build. You thought they are for me! How many time you've told me that you've got it, that they are actually for you to go through! But already the next day you're back in the ring, ready to fight, looking for revenge! Write it down, publish it, therefore I can see you've listened, but read it again and again and again yourself, until you really got it! I love you, Benjamin, never forget! You're me like I am you! We're one, Benjamin, and we're the luckiest, because we found each other! The chances for that were way less than one in a trillion! Don't destroy it, Benjamin! Learn to realize when it's me that speaks to you and when it's the doorkeeper! Stop to fight and start to love! I speak to you through so many people, Benjamin! Learn to listen! I'm always close! I please you, Benjamin! I please you with the heart of the body I'm in!"
Chapter XXIV – 周转时间
To love Yasha with another body was something Benjamin couldn't even imagine without feeling horrible and the one she chose to do so, was the worst he could imagine. He didn't care that she had an affair with this baby peacock but to ask him to take over that body was way too much for him. On the other hand it was her wish and Benjamin was never really able to withstand her wishes. He loved her ones for days when she took over another woman's body and he haven't had a second any doubts that it was Yasha that loved him with that body. Everything was just like when they loved each other when they traveled out of body, with the only, but important difference, that they could smell each other. "Will you do me that favor, Benjamin? It's a nice body. I know he's looking vain and a little stupid out of his eyes, but imagine when you would move that body, when you would look out off these eyes, when you would love me with that body or any other one I choose! We could love and smell each other every day, no matter where I am! Please Benjamin, take over and love me, like only you can do!" "Oh Yasha….., let me think about it." Please do it Benjamin! I can't stand his kind of onanism any longer. Take over Benjamin and take me to heaven!"
Chapter XXV – 命令
Did Benjamin even had a chance to refuse Yashas wishes? She did the same thing once for him and would do it again without a blink of her diamonds eyes. Benjamin went for a walk in the rain, trying to find an answer, forgot his umbrella, felt like a fish levitating in cold water, hot blooded by the idea, finding no arguments that spoke against it. The baby peacock wouldn't even know what's going on, probably just wondering about the new skills he suddenly has, but that's already it, and perhaps not even that. Benjamin was already at the pier, made some night shots, went over to the wine bar, ordered some Riesling and with the first sip his decision was made, which caused right there an erection. Yasha could move Benjamin in any direction she wanted, no limits in her desires, nor any borders when it came to adventures. She wanted the total satisfaction and Benjamin couldn't, no he wouldn't, deny. Her wishes were his commands. No matter what it was, how far she wanted to go, or how deep she wanted to feel, at the end Benjamin always went with her and when he tried to deny, it was him that felt the pain, not Yasha. She knew he'll do whatever she wants!
Chapter XXVI – 崇高
"Oh Benjamin, you can be so sweet when you follow my commands, so adorable when you move the way I think, so successful when you listen! You always said that you need to be at the peak of the system to change it, being the leader of it! How could you deny for so long to do what I've told you? I just hope that you've got it now and don't change your direction anymore! We're running out of time! You need to do your work now. Move your bud and let the angels fly! Just listen to me, as I listen to you!" "They don't fly yet because I still don't really know who they are, Yasha." "Well, if you would listen, I would tell you! Actually I already did, but you didn't listen, so you don't know! I've listened to you, and look where I am! And do me another favor, Benjamin, treat that body your in a little better. You're drinking to much, smoking to much, your diet could be way better and some exercise wouldn't hurt too! You're so blessed with that body and you should treat it better. Promise that you'll follow my advice from now on, Benjamin! Promise!" "I promise Yasha! What else can I do?!" "Well you surprised me many time and hope you stop that now! You have no idea how much I love you Benjamin! You have absolutely no idea! Can you please take me in your arms? A kiss would be nice too!" Benjamin took a deep breath, felt like an idiot, took her in his arms, kissed and love his magic goddess for the rest of the night.
Chapter XXVII – 陷阱
It was a difficult day for Benjamin, something was wrong, he smelled it. Was it possible that the doorkeeper took over in the middle of a conversation with Yasha? Just for a sentence or a thought. That she asked him to overtake another man's body to love her, didn't fit to the woman he loved and it didn't fit to himself either. As longer he thought about, as more he was convinced that this wasn't Yasha. But why didn't she tell him? If it's destructive to life, then it's the doorkeeper. That was the simple rule. Even if this guy doesn't know what's going on, it would still be a horrible act to him. No, Yasha wouldn't please Benjamin to be so destructive. That just doesn't make sense. But Benjamin felt in that trap with eyes wide shot! Again and again and again! Yeah, the doorkeeper uses a thousand different layers and moves them in light speed. The only thing that Benjamin was happy about, was that he didn't do it. It didn't felt right to him at all. His heart was still flooded by blood, not by white gold.
Chapter XXVIII – 信任
"Why didn't you tell me, Yasha?" "Because you don't listen, Benjamin! You need to discover everything by yourself! But I tell you, you won't get it! You will fail, Benjamin, because that's what you want! You wanna fail the best! It's so ridiculous that I really don't know what to do anymore. Everybody tells me to stay away from you, because if not, I will fail too. Why don't you trust me, Benjamin?" "I guess there are too many layers for my monkey brain. I don't know Yasha. I really don't know. I'm so desperate, you have no idea!" "Benjamin I can see it and I'm wondering why you don't let me help you. You can't do it alone, Benjamin. You need me! You need us! There are many that know what's going on!" "I know there are many and it's true Yasha, I need you, I need you like the air that I breath and I wish nothing more that I find trust, that I can forget." "Don't forget, Benjamin! You need to remember!" "What you want me to remember? That I got hunted, that I got shot, that I lived on the streets, that I lost everything but my life? I remember, Yasha, I remember!" "No you don't remember what is really important, Benjamin! You're alive! So what? You don't remember my love, you don't remember my support, you don't remember how we traveled and loved each other! You can forget that the next day!" "You're my singer, Yasha. I move and dance along your song. Don't I?" "No you don't! You move along the doorkeeper's song and you don't realize the difference!" "So, what shall I do? Whom shall I trust?" "First you need to calm down, Benjamin. You're in an almost permanent fight modus. You see almost everybody as your enemy. Even me!" "Well, the doorkeeper is in all of us! So whom shall I trust?" "Try to trust me Benjamin! I think that's your only chance. And from there we can go together. You'll meet other, that you can trust, that will help to realize the angels. That's your goal anyway. And you know it better than me, that you can't do it alone. We're waiting that you let us help you!"
Chapter XXIX – 医院
Was it possible that Yasha didn't even remembers what the other in her does, or is it just a virtual game, that she can repeat and forget for free, because she hits always new records. There could be a schizophrenic assessment, or the doorkeeper found a way that she can vindicate her soul against her nature. For the schizophrenic perspective didn't spoke much, nevertheless her avatars sometimes showed layers of it, which were placed in hospitals, where you can experience the complete spectrum of emotions in shortest and longest time, which all her avatars shared and celebrated with Benjamin. The doorkeeper perspective, the connection to all informations, made way more sense. "There's so much information out there!"; she said! The question was, who controls it?! Nobody can doubt her genius. Yasha has full excess to information, therefore her thoughts have no physical limits. You can do everything! Almost! Nevertheless all information is based on the discoveries of life in mutation. Mathematics can't change an equation, life can. Yasha was a master of equations, Benjamin a master of life and both could move each other with there thoughts.
Chapter XXX – 思想
Yasha was daily around Benjamin, moved him, showed him, made him listen. He didn't resist anymore, moved different, saw different, listened different, leaded by Yashas tender thoughts which made him love her, drove him writing fairytales, let him breath another air. She had magical thoughts for him, opened doors to unknown worlds, the wonders of imagination. Yasha though for him a love story, never heard, never seen, never felt before, thoughts like explosions for new universes. To follow the wild rivers of Yashas thoughts, becoming the water, flowing, tumbling, sinking, bubbling, was like a mutation for Benjamin. They laughed and loved, sung and danced, dreamed and materialized their holy love. She took her heart and gave it in his hands.
Chapter XXXI – 第一
Yashas heart was wounded, bleeding, hurting, loving Benjamin when he protected it with golden hands, in which it healed, pumped, flooded Benjamin with its magic beat. Yasha's heart in his hands, he felt ashamed that he ever questioned Yasha's love, that he never questioned his own. His thoughts were her deeds, her thoughts were his. Benjamin moved as she could think him, his writings, no, everything he did, based on Yashas imagination. His art begun to sing the moment she was part of the scene, mighty like a volcano, enchanting like a first time blooming, singing rose.
Chapter XXXII – 连接
Benjamin lived in a silent trance when Yasha was around, moving like on wings, creating the wonders of her imagination. She was ruling him ever since and she knew it before she entered his life. Benjamins creations were the results of her thoughts and the other way around. That's why she could immediately change her tone when Benjamin connected to Yasha at her concerts. She could be him and he could be her. They could move each other however they thought! Benjamin was speechless when he realized the consequences of this thought, which made the whole story looking different and started to make sense. He was sure that Yasha was mighty enough to rule everybody's mind. She just connected.
Chapter XXXIII – 层
"So tell me Yasha, what's your goal? What do you really want from me?" "I want your love, Benjamin. I want your love because nobody else loves like you do. Btw it's a little bit more complex, more layers and many that you don't know yet." "You have all my love Yasha and I think it's time that you tell me more about these other layers." "No Benjamin I don't have all your love. You're still hiding most of it." "Than make me think to show up with it." "Benjamin, if I could, I would. Unfortunately that's one of the layers you don't know about, that gives you freedom in your actions." "Where's the freedom when you rule my thoughts and therefore my actions?" "It's another layer, Benjamin! You'll find out with my humble help!" "Oh Yasha, who are you?" "I'm the woman you were asking for! The woman you've created in your mind. You had no doubt that I exist. Do you remember?" "Oh yes, I do! I thought you and here you are." "Here I am Benjamin and demand the magic love you've promised!"
Chapter XXXIX – 舞蹈
"You're writing to fast Benjamin! You're missing layers!" "I've never missed any layers, Yasha. It's your thought! I just have difficulties to believe what I see. My love wants to know!" "What do you know, Benjamin? Do you know that I love you? Do you know that I support you? Do you know that I live for you?" "Yes Yasha, as I love you, as I support you, as I live for you! The only thing we're missing is, that we still can't think us." "You missed one layer, Benjamin. You're always there, because I think you! I'm not there, because you can't think me being there! And when you finally can think it, and I'm there, you can think I'm there to kill you!" "You think that I thought you to kill me?" "Yes, Benjamin! You better be careful with your thoughts!" "You are so beautiful, Yasha, as beautiful as a seed, exploding, blooming, creating life." "Can you please dance us, Benjamin!"
Chapter XXXV – 害羞的女王
One can move an object, or one changes the perspective to it. The view to the object will be the same, but the background changes with the change of perspective. The background is the stage we're moving in, assimilating to it, becoming part of it, trying to change it, instead of finding and filling our place in it, influencing the whole universe. Benjamins heart found its place, but his mind, which was influenced by Yasha, was asking questions that his heart couldn't answer. His heart was changing its perspective to Yasha permanently, trying to understand her mind, found the answers in her background were he had his place right next to her. Yasha had the strength of a kings tiger queen, but her heart was shy like a deer, hiding at the darkest places, searching for protection. She didn't allow Benjamin to put a light on her heart, to show her its beauty. She ruled him with her mind, to put his love in words instead of deeds. Why? She's shy!
Chapter XXXV – 音
Perhaps Benjamin should have moved the object and not his perspective. He would have seen that he's always right next to Yasha and not far away because he changed his perspective. He had a discussion today about the colors of love and couldn't describe them, because words are related to gods and they can't know the feeling of love. Gods are 2 dimensional, they are only information and can't feel love in this 2 dimensions. You can know every equation but you can't feel. Information is feelingless. Is there anybody that can describe with words the colors of love? I guess not. There are no words yet, that are based on tones, created by emotions. There's screaming, laughing, wining, moaning, but no words. On the other hand, we understand these tones better than any word. That's why we love music. No word is needed, but everything is clear by its tone. Yasha had wonderful tones for Benjamin, that made him laugh, seeing the colors of love, touching his heart like the wind a tree. No there are no words to describe her love, therefore she sent him tones, that reached his heart, moved it, made it beat to her tones, loving her. There's no word with a similar might.
Chapter XXXVI – 纠缠
Yasha avatars loved the written words, wanted to read about the truth of Benjamins heart, she wrote him about her own love, and was surprised when he asked her if there can be truth in a virtual world. She never thought about that and the moment she did, everything Benjamin ever told her could have been false, lies. For her, the avatars were as real as she was, they were part of her, but they were mighty, protected her from pain that can be related to emotions, gave her the possibility to live a life without pain. That was her truth. She was probably right when she said that Benjamin missed some layers. I can't say. Fact was, that her avatars were mighty, but they also weakened herself at the same time. Their world had nothing to do with her own, but influenced it at the same time, opened an abyss that was shortly before to devour her, the human being to weak to forestall it and her avatars all of a sudden without any might, because this was Yashas real world, that, like she said, was influenced by Benjamins thoughts. This layer predicts, that he's thinking her actions, that he's responsible when she falls, because they are entangled. But somehow it looked like the opposite always happened. When he looked up, Yasha looked down.
Chapter XXXVII – 真相
Suddenly the long awaited fragrance of spring was in the air, streaming between the skyscrapers, meandering through Benjamins nose, flooding his lunges, refreshing his blood, fulfilling him with contentment. That was the ultimate difference between Yashas virtual avatars and the character Benjamin Bloom. Benjamin was alive, he was flesh and blood, created to protect his author and woman he loved, as a supermanga in the real world, each thought materialized. It was a funny and exciting day, which Yasha and her avatars, Benjamin and their author, enjoyed like children that celebrate their improvised plays. The truth is sharp like a Japanese knife, winsome like gravity, infinite like love, the truth is in Yasha.
Chapter XXXVIII – 不确定性
Which man, ever since there were gods, deserved the love of a divine woman like Yasha? Benjamin was wondering, but clearly a candidate. Equipped with a half-god mighty mind and the laughing of a child, he was riding through New York's underground and every time he went up on ground level, the environment around him seemed to glow, refreshing everyone that was passing by. It was absurd how he questioned each and every of his actions, how he could be sure about a fact and suddenly he could find a perspective full of doubts. That half-god in him, which was still in contact and influenced by the doorkeeper, was clearly not his friends, nevertheless he was Benjamins connection to Yasha. Fortunately this fact couldn't be questioned anymore. But there was something in the air that Benjamin knew from their past, something that made him always stepping back. It wasn't to describe, but its smell was to strong to ignore it. Uncertainty comes the situation the closest. Too many possibilities, and most important, who felt uncertain? The author, Benjamin or the half-god? I'm pretty sure, it's me, the author. But Yashas avatars didn't even know anymore to whom of the three they are talking too.
Chapter XXXIX – 问题
"Benjamin, what are you doing?" "I'm questioning, Yasha!" "What are you questioning, Benjamin?" "I'm questioning your actions and motives!" "What is there to question? It's so obvious, Benjamin!" "Then let me know what's so obvious!" "It's obvious that I love you!" "That's obvious, Yasha! Unfortunately I grew up with people that destroyed what they loved the most. Well, I should say, what they desired the most! There's a huge lack in the definition of love, as you know." "What are your questions, Benjamin?" "You've never answered any of my questions. I needed to find out all by myself. You were even misleading me on my search. So why would you answer now, Yasha?" "Because you're not good in searching, Benjamin!" "Well, I'm good in finding, Yasha, which is way more important for me. But let me know your answers to the questions I've never asked." "Let me give you the questions instead, since you're so good in finding and answering! How do you think you can convince me that you love me?" "That's a very special question Yasha and makes me wonder that you weren't convinced from the very first day. But ask yourself. How could I do anything of what I've done, without loving you?" "I'm still not convinced, Benjamin, because you're contradicting." "I'm not contradicting Yasha, you're just interpreting my call for truth as an attack. I won't go deeper here now, Yasha. If you wanna question my love, you've had better asked me to question it by myself. But listen, I'm really not in the mood to question your or my love. I'm in the mood to send and receive love. We have no reasons to question our love, we just don't know how to present love without distorting it. But this has other reasons, which are not related to ourselves!"
在她的怀里
Benjamin spent, like almost every evening, in his studio, surrounded by angels he still didn't know, dancing gods that were naturally the most sensitive, asking for the ultimate balance, thereby they can dance to the sounds of his heartbeats, sheer like his love for Yasha. He celebrated these evenings like the first breath of a living being, crying, laughing, wondering. Yasha was most of the time around, watched him failing during his search and celebrating the findings that were still mysterious. Sometimes he had the feeling that something in himself denied to see the obvious, like looking first time in a mirror, unable to recognize oneself. Yasha was laughing about him, like children do when they torture little animals by imprison them in their arms.
Chapter XLI – 影子
There's no way that this half-god, placed in Benjamin, could be separated from Yasha's. She embraced him with a might, that gave this soul its breath, defined his eye sight, his hearing, his dance, like the creation of a new man.
I often asked myself how much of Benjamin's personality is from me and how much I absorbed meanwhile from him. Who's Benjamin and who's me? We shared the same body, the same connection to Yasha, the same soul, but who went to the pier to meet with Yasha? The play went already long enough to blur the borders and vanish the differences between Benjamin and me, he became my shadow like I became his. 'Who will go next time to the pier?', became a serious question. Benjamin, me, we both? Who makes the decision to go there? Whom is Yasha expecting? Whom does she love?
Chapter XLII – 笑
I'm wondering how the woman behind Yasha experiences this play she started in the name of love. Does she feel like Yasha does, love like Yasha does? Did she understand that Yasha is the woman she really is? Did she learn from her, like I learned from Benjamin? Benjamin went to the pier yesterday watching the sunset and let Yasha know about. She didn't come and I'm wondering who decided not to come. Yasha or the woman behind? Benjamin wanted to wait, believed that she'll come, that she's just a little late. I wanted to do him this favor, sitting with him and wait, but the sunset was over, it became cold and somehow he looked idiotic how he was sitting there, waiting for a virtual character. I decided to leave, explaining Benjamin that the woman he's waiting for doesn't exist, that she's a construction of my mind, just like himself, that this might be a fairytale without a happy end. Benjamin was sad, like every time when he was sitting there, waiting for Yasha, dreaming, listening to the laughing water, that was actually laughing about me.
Chapter XLIII – 日落
"It's your fairytale! Why don't you just write it differently?" "Benjamin, I'm sorry but it looks like I don't know the magic words that convinces the woman behind Yasha. I could convince Yasha as you know but that didn't help." "So what's your plan then?" "I don't have any plan Benjamin. She denies to even know me, nevertheless she plays with me since 30 month." "We could go to her concert tomorrow." "To do what? Listening to new lies? Do you really wanna hear more of them? Haven't you heard enough?" "Yasha never lied to me!" "That's true Benjamin, I tried to make her as honest as possible, but the woman behind does nothing else than lying! I'm sorry Benjamin, we can't expect that she stops playing and I don't have the magic words to change that. Believe me Benjamin I went up to the peak and right there I'm failing. I know you would like to see it different and that's what I love the most about you. You always saw a way out. But a way out is not enough, Benjamin. I want freedom. Freedom of the pain she causes. But you'll see Benjamin, she won't give us that freedom. She'll come every day and play with us without saying why she can only play." "I think Yasha is right! But it's not me, it's you that want to fail!" "I just can't think it differently anymore, Benjamin. But if you want to hold on your hope, we can go to the pier again today and watch the sunset a last time together. But don't complain when it hurts!" "You'll see, she comes! I know it for sure!"
Chapter XLIV – 两个白痴
"Are you happy now, Benjamin?" "Well, at least it was a nice sunset that gave my sadness the right light." "You're sad? Why? I've told you, hope is the ultimate source of pain!" "Are you not sad?" "Oh yes sure. I went with you even though I knew it better. Look at us two idiots!" "Well, better looking like an idiot after you've done what you believed is right, than looking like an idiot by doing nothing. And there's still more to do!" "Yeah, Benjamin, you gonna ride that horse until it's dead. What else you wanna do. We can't fail better!" "Oh yes we can! We still can go to the concert! She's there for sure. That's an advantage!" "Oh yeah? For whom? We'll look even more idiotic. Just remember the three times we did that!" "I don't care how idiotic I look to others." "Oh Benjamin, you think in her eyes you'll look different?" "I don't know, but I would like to find out!" "We'll find out then, Benjamin!"
Chapter XLV – 艺术
Benjamin wasn't to stop anymore on his journey. He was hungry like a bear after its winter sleep. What else could I do, than fulfill his wishes, because somehow I had the feeling that he knows way better what to do, than I myself. So I chose to step back and let him do whatever he thought is right to do. He went over to his favorite wine bar, ordered a Riesling, tried to find the truth on the bottom of his glass, got lost in that black hole down there, started to complain about me, that I am responsible that Yasha didn't come to the pier. Well, now there are two characters in my play, complaining that I'm thinking and writing the wrong, which gave me the feeling that there's still a way better art to fail.
Chapter XLVI – 潜水
"To whom am I talking, whom am I visiting, whom do I love, Benjamin? You or the writer of this story?" "Yasha, first all it's a true story as you know. Second, you're always talking to me, which is the creation of him. You might ask, who's me? I will tell you. I'm the guy that thinks, acts and see with its heart, which makes a huge difference in our interactions. I show him possibilities that can't be seen by him alone. That's why he created me. He's looking for a way out for the woman that stands behind you, Yasha. I know he looks crazy, but trust me on that, he isn't! The woman behind you started a game and he went with it because he trusts, but he's not stupid, that's why he's still alive! I know things went out of control and there's huge collateral damage, but we have, now there we know, to handle it constructive. I know you're willing to do so, but how about the woman behind you?" "What shall I say Benjamin? The frustration that it went out control is endless. She's full of fear about her deeds and unfortunately she don't trust your author that he won't take revenge." "That's ridiculous Yasha!" "I know Benjamin, but she's suffering. It's not clear who he is and what he wants from her." "He doesn't ask for much, Yasha! He's very humble. I know most of the time he doesn't look like, because one can misinterpret his writings, but I suggest to trust his word. We wouldn't have this discussion if one couldn't trust him. He don't want revenge, he wants answers and I'm convinced he'll find them, because he's good in finding. There's nothing he didn't found when he wanted to find. He doesn't search, he dives and finds! Is there anything you know, that's related to this story, he didn't found? The fact that he hasn't told everything, doesn't mean that he doesn't know. He knows, but he wants to hear it from the woman behind you, because he's convinced that this is the only chance to rescue her and himself! They need to talk! As sooner as better! And I think it's on her to do that step, because every time he did, she lied." "I know Benjamin, but she's not me. She's still a child and just playing."
Chapter XLVII – 音乐会
"So Benjamin, what's the plan? Do you wanna jump on stage and confess your love?" "Really that's what you ask me? Is there anything you can do by yourself? But that would be something! Just be careful that you don't get shot. I started to like that life with you. But seriously, let's enjoy the concert first and make the plan by listening to her music. I guess you'll feel if she plays for you or not and when we know that, we gonna make a decision." "Oh man Benjamin, I thought you're prepared and know what you do!" "You can still fail the best! Don't panic!"
Chapter XLVIII – 逃生
Benjamin got a place right in front of Yashas throne, could almost touch her, smelled her, dived into her scent, delightful like morning blooming flowers for bees. He flew away with her up to the stars, discovering the wonders of our universe.
I would like to end the story here, because he was so happy and satisfied. I would love to write a fairytale with a happy end, but unfortunately we're not in a fairytale, we're in the real world, with real crimes, real dead bodies, real lies, real treason, real unreal destruction. Benjamin forced me to wait for Yasha after the concert at the artist entrance, probably invite her to some wine or dinner, just do something that could give me answers. But she didn't come alone, went with a group of musicians to a restaurant around the corner, too which I followed them, placed myself at the bar, 4 chairs away from Yasha, thereby she could see me, what she did and startled just like every time when she didn't expect to see me. The theatre of criminals is an absurd one, their laughter a phony and their actions full of ridiculous false movements. She's sitting right next to me during I'm writing this chapter, her false laughter in my ears, pointing at me as if I'm the criminal. I guess today I understood that she's lost to the doorkeeper, that I won't have a chance to take her out of his hands, that I need to find for myself a way to escape before a cataclysm happens. I couldn't hear here false loud laughter any longer and went home with Benjamins silent weeping in my ears.
Chapter XLIX – 潜力
"How are you doing today, Benjamin?" "Surprisingly I'm feeling very good. We failed absolutely the best last night. Nobody ever failed better! But one think I still don't understand. When Yasha isn't to find in this cute pianist, who's Yasha then?" "Yasha is the potential, the woman that she could be. Just like you for me. That's why we can find Yasha in every other woman, except in that little pianist. This cutie refuses to become a woman and take responsibility for her deeds, but at the same time she plays the judge and the hangman for other people's deeds. Remember that's how she came to my life, to judge, sentence and kill me! Lucky her that I created you, Benjamin!" "You mean, lucky you!" "Yes Benjamin, I'm lucky too. You're the best that I've ever done!" "What you think she will do now?" "She'll read our story, like every day and she'll ask herself why she missed the point. So let me tell her."
You never listened! –
Chapter L – 可怕
"Yes Benjamin you're really failing the best. It's unbelievable how blind you are! Who do you think made sure that you can get a seat right in front of me? You've said that you decide during the concert what you're doing afterwards. You've said you'll feel if I play just for you! You should check your feelings! And then on top, you leave after the pause, while I sit there, next to your seat alone, listening to Prokofiev which I planed to do with you. But that's still not enough. You sit outside, wait for me, follow me to the bar and don't have the guts to talk to me! Instead you're writing about my false laughter!" "That makes my failure even monstrous, Yasha! I guess I just don't trust the woman behind you, Yasha. And you must confess that I have all reasons. None of your deeds ever where trustworthy and since you don't wanna stop playing games, it will never change. I deeply apologize for the 'false laughter' writing, I shouldn't have done that. However, it looks like we messed it up again." "You didn't even brought flowers and wished me a belated happy birthday!" "I had something else for you Yasha and if you would have given me a second alone, I for sure would have given it to you, including the belated birthday wishes. You want me to do things that are just not me. Are you sure that you're not looking for someone else?" "I'm looking for nobody else, Benjamin. All I want is that you treat me like the woman you love, that you treat me like you treat Yasha!"
Chapter LI – 拷打
The doorkeeper played a sneaky horrible game with Benjamin, robbed him all his trust, made him questioning everything, threw him in a reality that permanently changed, which made it impossible to get a clear view on which he could make conscious decisions. Things that were clear for a moment, were completely different after the next breath. Everything seemed to play with him, smashed him into pieces, stole him his last silence, thundered like the roaring of lions next to his ears. Yasha wasn't willing to end her games. She wanted to see him on his knees, begging for clearance, whimpering like a dog. In these moments Benjamin questioned if Yasha really is aware of her actions, if she really knows about that half-god in her, that made a whole with Benjamin's. It felt like a monstrous torture, celebrated to slowly destroy him. Why would anybody do that, when one claims to love?
Chapter LII – 转
"Tell me Benjamin, what can we do?" "You're the author and you have to take the responsibility for your movements. I can't see that this woman ever comes even close to Yasha. You've heard her laughter and I think there was nothing to apologize for. It's her laughter not yours and not Yasha's. I mean it sounded so hysterical, so far away from a compassionate human being, that I started to doubt that Yasha even could be a tiny part of that woman. However, I really can't tell you what to do, but I know that nothing that is related to that woman ever did any good to you. This woman won't have any answers for you, because she don't even know herself. And the fact that the doorkeeper controls her half-god makes it every time worse when you try to come close. So, if you ask for suggestions, then I would say let's go and find Yasha in another woman. This one isn't aware of herself, nor have she done anything that's related to love. You almost got killed and it doesn't make it better if she wanted something completely different at the beginning, which I actually doubt. She doesn't understand you, nor your writings. She isn't able to look at the situation from your perspective, otherwise she would have shown up with some humanity. It's all about her and her selfishness, that destroys step by step your dignity, your silence and worst of all, your ability to love. Even I'm already mad and I showed for almost 3 years now understanding for her miserable situation. But enough is enough. If that's true what she told you last night, then we both failed like nobody ever failed. There's no need to fail better. Save your energy for the war with the doorkeeper, because I can't see us winning that war as long as you give him an open flank throughout this woman. She's your weak point and you know it. She doesn't know shit!"
Chapter LIII – 睁开眼睛
"You see Benjamin, now all her avatars blocked me again." "What did you expect, that she gonna give you finally a call? I've told you, think twice about it before you post it. She never liked the truth, and how can she, since her whole life is a lie. You haven't heard anything else from her than lies! And just to remind you, the last time she came back, was the day you've posted that you gonna publish the books! So, what you think was her intention? I tell you. She wanted to save her butt! You can turn this story a hundred times upside down and the other way around, you'll still find no truth. I actually doubt that she even know what that is, the truth. She'll never become Yasha, she'll never reach her potential, she'll never give you security, she'll never stop playing games and she'll never know what love is. Sorry but I can't see that she goes this major step. You have to understand that Yasha really exists but it's not her! Let's go and find her. I'm sure she's already waiting for you! But you need open your eyes now! She's out there, probably closer than you expect!"
Chapter LIV – 遗憾
"Benjamin, you're loosing your good influence and become more and more like the author." "Please Yasha, you have actually no idea where this story would be without me. He created me as his counter part, that questions everything he things and does, therefore he can make a decision that is based on all possible perspectives that one can take to the case. I haven't changed, I just realized that he's in deep trouble and needs to get my honest support. Do you think that this girl will ever become you? Do you think that she'll ever support him? Do you think that she really knows what she does to him? Do you think that she'll love him, like you love me?" "She had the best intentions…" "How can say that? She plays her horrible game already the 10th time and still don't realize what she does to him! Don't tell me anything about good intentions, when the results are killing him! What the heck are we talking about, Yasha? He got shot, hit by a car, broke his hand, lived on the streets! Good intentions?! I tell you something, she can take her good intentions and satisfy herself! If she don't wanna show up and take her god damn responsibility, than why she don't just stay away from him?" "Because she loves him!" "Hahahaha, oh Yasha! To destroy somebody isn't love! I don't believe that she ever loved him. I can't imagine that one can do what she does and say that's love. Sorry but that goes beyond everybody's imagination." "Believe me Benjamin, she sorry, she's so sorry!" "We're all sorry, Yasha. We're all sorry, that people got killed, others threatened to death and everybody else left him because there's a bunch criminals hunting him. We're all sorry, Yasha. So sorry! But it's true love! The only real person here that loves is him and he shows that love ever since she entered his life! He made her better, he supported her, he taught her, he wrote poems and books for her and all she has give is her sorry and don't even tell him. She's not sorry at all, Yasha. She's a coward, that misses every god damn chance he offers her to tell him one true word! Just one!"
Chapter LV – 试着了解
"Benjamin, what we gonna do now?" "I don't know what we can do, Yasha. Every time he talks about his truth, she feels insulted. When we can't talk about the matter of facts and need to wrap everything in silk to give it a beautiful outside, where you wanna go? There's a content that needs to be discussed, which is the foundation of everything else and it needs to have a clear definition, based on the actual deeds. Good intentions that end up in rotten construction can't be a foundation for a building. Sure there are perspectives that let many things that happened looking different, but unfortunately these perspectives don't go along with her actual deeds. So the perspectives are worthless, I would say clearly wrong. You can't force him to permanently guess everything. The possible views are just to many, so there will always be a question mark on each guess. I know that's what she actually wanted with her multiple layers, but that was the source to let go everything out of control. But that all aren't the main points here. The main point is his discovery of the doorkeeper and the influence he takes on the human brain, which clearly can be defined as the source of all destruction made by mankind. She might call that crazy, but that's only possible when you don't get the point. The scientific law says, if it's possible, it's been done. Fact is it's possible! Therefore there are only two conclusions left. Either she knows many of it but not all and takes advantage, or she don't have a glue and is just playing childish games with horrible consequences for others. Either way, he don't care about her deeds, because he's convinced that she can't know what she does, like almost everybody else, because the brain is not under control of the human body. It can't be under our control, because everything we do is against nature and life. Well, if you don't have enough scientific information, then you can call that science fiction. But he has these informations. They are carved in stone, written in books, played in music and most important there are nature and scientific laws that don't allow any other conclusion. Yasha, if she ever understand what he's talking about, then we can make decisions about what's to do. There's something happening between their half-gods, as he calls them, that created a force which let them do things, nobody else can do! I'm sure she knows, but as I say, she don't know or understand everything."
Chapter LVI – 爱
"Benjamin, I think she just promised way more than she's able to fulfill. I guess you're right, she'll never become me. She'll play his stories with her piano and pretend that this are her feelings. She's great in pretending, but I'm tired of it, I wanna smell you! You know that I exist and you know that I love you, because you're him. I think you guys didn't fail, no you guys get the Oscar for the best love story and she'll get the Golden Raspberry for worst acting." "Oh Yasha you're such a wonderful woman! How could he ever believe that she's you after he first met her?" "I guess that's a secret he doesn't know either. But who cares! I exist and I wanna love him, as he loves me. You say he's good in finding. Tell him to find me now, he can't miss me anymore!"
Chapter LVII – 更改
"Benjamin what have you done with Yasha?" "We had a longer discussion about 'The wonderful deeds of Benjamin Bloom' last night, during you were sleeping in the train and missed your station. I guess she understood that she'll never smell you when she stays with the pianist and she's tired of lying for her. I mean it's absolutely clear that this pianist has nothing that Yasha has. We talked about your theory and came to the conclusion that Yasha and me are these two half-gods, that we aren't an imagination from you. When we traveled and loved each other, it was always Yasha and me, and these experiences weren't an imagination. You could feel it, I could feel it and Yasha could feel it too. She said that the pianist felt it too but for her it was a game that enriches her art. We both felt it at the concert, that what we heard came from you. Yasha is willing to leave her now because she can't see that this girl will ever stop playing games. She just can't understand what's going on here. Yasha does understand and all you have to do now, is to find her somebody you like and she'll take place in that woman, therefore this love story can became reality!" "What's happen to the girlie then?" "She'll get the half-god that is placed in the woman you chose. Your theory is right and we're able and willing to do that change!"
Chapter LVIII – 完成前
Yasha and Benjamin were all of a sudden the happiest. She came over to his studio and spent the night in his tender arms, dreaming about their future, wondering about the magic they'll be able to discover. The wonders of two bodies and souls in love. The reunion of these two souls had now a real chance and it was on me to find the woman that will make it happen. I wondered how it will feel when Yasha leaves the pianist and exchange that body with the woman I'll find. "Tell me Yasha, when you leave the pianist and another half-god takes place in her, what will happen to her music?" "She won't lose what I gave her, since information can't be destroyed, but she won't get what she missed to take from me. The biggest change will be that she won't be able to connect to Benjamin anymore. She won't be able to experience the wonders that she could experience with Benjamin. Benjamin and me are a whole and as you know, this whole has no limits. Her capacity will change to the capacity of her new half-god." "What's happen to the woman you'll take place in?" "She'll experience these wonders of a united divine force and she'll celebrate the magic of this force just like you do! Just make sure that you choose a woman that is attracted to you and adult! I'm so tired of playing childish games!"
Chapter LIX – 天堂
I must say New York is full of beautiful woman in all ages when one open the eyes and it was a complete new experience to walk through the streets, riding the train, or having lunch around the corner. Yasha, that was always by my side, could truly take place in all of them, flirting with me, giving me a smile, or asking if the seat next to me is free. It felt like a huge stone was taken from my shoulders, so I could fly. A couple of days ago I thought I failed like nobody ever did and now stood the whole world wide open in front of me, offering the paradise. I still had a dozen questions but it just wasn't the time to ask any of them. My life started new and Yasha will be by my and Benjamins side! This was all that really counted.
Chapter LX – 解放
The realization that Yasha and the pianist are two complete different personalities was the final liberation for me. I don't wonder anymore that I couldn't see Yasha when I met the pianist, on the other hand was Yasha the artist behind the pianist, which made it even more confusing for me. I was so close and couldn't see it. Two souls in one body, like in all of us, both permanently fighting who's deciding the direction. All of a sudden I wonder if I ever connected to the pianist, or if it was always only Yasha, which would explain the weird actions of the pianist, that made the decisions for all these crimes. Yasha only connected the pianist to the necessary informations, therefore she didn't got caught. She never understood that I don't, no that I'm actually thankful, because without these crimes I wouldn't have made my discoveries. So, who controls whom then? I guess it's more like a helpless handling of informations, just like in Goethes Faust. The human being is confused by its second soul, and the second soul is confused because it's only a half of a whole, desperately searching for its other half. My half, wich is Benjamin, found his other half, which is Yasha. The pianist and I, had probably nothing to do with each other beside her crimes. That's why she feared me to death when I surprised her after the rehearsal at the Disney Hall in LA. She probably don't even know about the difference between herself and Yasha, therefore she thinks that's all herself. And all because she never listened to me! It's really to bad that she doesn't trust me, because she can't trust herself, and actually I don't trust her either. But I always trusted Yasha and Yasha always trusted me and Benjamin. She barley lied and always said I can't tell instead. I'm pretty sure that she listened! How else could she show up with the decision to leave the pianist?! Yasha knows that my theory is close to right. There's just too much evidence. She knows about her might and she knows that she's one with Benjamin. Yes, Yasha listened!
Chapter LXI – 灵魂 – soul
You are aware of only one unrest;
Oh, never learn to know the other!
Two souls, alas, are dwelling in my breast,
And one is striving to forsake its brother.
Unto the world in grossly loving zest,
With clinging tendrils, one adheres;
The other rises forcibly in quest
Of rarefied ancestral spheres.
If there be spirits in the air
That hold their sway between the earth and sky,
Descend out of the golden vapors there
And sweep me into iridescent life.
Oh, came a magic cloak into my hands
To carry me to distant lands,
I should not trade it for the choicest gown,
Nor for the cloak and garments of the crown.
These are the words of Goethes Faust and I often wondered why he couldn't become aware that one of them didn't belong to him. I was a very young kid when I first time experienced a second soul in my father, that until then loved me like his eye sight and so did I. That day he first time hit me, the light turned off and never on again. My question is, which of the two souls is responsible for such destruction? Is it the one that's related to nature, or the one that's setup in our brains and leaves this body after death? I came to the conclusion that it's the second one, because it's not in control of itself. This half-god in us, is in a permanent desperate state because it's missing its other half, searching for it lifelong, never finds, starts hating life, accusing life, destroying it for any reason but never satisfied. Jesus said, 'Father forgive them, because they don't know what they do'. I'm pretty sure that he didn't know either, because the one he called father, is responsible for this destruction. He sets up only a half-god in each of us and this setup happens during puberty, where we experience a complete restructuring of our brains. Btw, it's a scientific fact that we're the only species on this planet that has a restructured brain after puberty and unfortunately we never questioned why. All of a sudden we are able to kill our loved ones, or even ourselves.
Chapter LXII – 分离 – separation
The weather in NY was like the doors to hell just opened, asking me to step in, burn my thoughts to ashes, therefore I can think and write a new chapter on a blank white page. I went out, fought the wind, ate the snow that melted in my mouth to a liquid acrid like acid, etched my tongue, my throat and finally my stomach. Burning inside, wet like a stray animal outside, defenseless fighting the elements, the pianist in mind, walked I along the Hudson River whose thunderous laughter forced me to smile. "Benjamin, I'm not convinced that we're doing the right thing. I know you belong to Yasha as she does belong to you, but I wouldn't feel comfortable when Yasha leaves the pianist. Nevertheless this wonderful crazy little girl is also responsible for my discoveries and I suggest that you leave me, that you find a guy that she's attracted too, that you take place in him and make sure that she's safe. I know what I wanted to know, therefore I can finish my art work. I know who I am, the pianist don't. Make sure that this talent reaches its potential, which is in Yasha and make sure that she stops doing crazy shit. Talk to Yasha and make a plan how to fulfill my last wish." "If this is your wish, what else can I do, but you have no idea how much I'll miss you." "Oh yes I do Benjamin, but I'm sure we'll find a way to keep in touch. Be aware Benjamin, you're responsible for my little now!"
Chapter LXIII – 在完成之前 – before completion
"Why is he doing this, Benjamin?" "Yasha, he loves her, like I love you and he wants to make sure that she's safe. He knows that she haven't understood who you are and he's convinced that the moment you would have been left her, would have also been the beginning of her end. You're her connection to the field of information and now where we know how we are, we're the only ones that can protect her." "I don't know, Benjamin. After we chose that I'm leaving her, I had first the feeling that she understands too, or minimum had hint about it." "Well, even if so, I can't see that she would have taken her responsibility and say him one true word. She's entangled in her deeds, puts new lies on top of old lies, trying to hide them. He's convinced that it's about us, not her and him. We are the might that probably can make the change, to free us and humanity. He knows that after death it's even worse and he knows why. We saw it Yasha, all four of us were there and he's the one that understood. We thought it's just imagination, but he knows that imagination is nothing more than the use of true existing information. There are no fairytales that we imagine, there's information that's been wrapped and hidden in fairytales to blur the truth. We are beings Yasha, just like humans and both species are trapped by a higher might which isn't our friend. You've heard the doorkeeper at our first night. He said: We're living on the energy produced by your desperation. And aren't we all desperate? Aren't we helpless searching for love, for the other half that they separated from us? We could leave that inferno because we were united, because we're one and as mighty as they are. I want to free us now and I'm convinced we have the might!"
Chapter LXIV – 阴和阳 – Yin & Yang
"Benjamin, can you remember anything what you've done when you lived in an other body before me?" "No, I don't. As we could see, do they eliminate all memories, but as you know there are some that can remember a former life. I'm just not sure if they do that on purpose, or if they were just careless when they deleted the memory." "Do you have gender?" "Not really, we get divided into the two forces of creation, information and movement. Yin and Yang. But in the center of Yin is Yang and other way around. So you can't say that there's a gender. I think we're both. Why do you ask?" "Well, very early in the interaction with the pianist, there was the moment she said, 'if we're one, then we need to find out who's the male and who's the female'. Does Yasha remember any former life?" "I don't know. Probably. We need to ask her."
Chapter LXV – 自我 – Self
I guess it's time to give the pianist and myself a name in this story, since she's not Yasha and I'm not Benjamin. They live in us, control many of our thoughts, but are under control of another force which let them and us do things we probably wouldn't do, deeds that are mostly against the nature of life, which is love. I gonna call the pianist Wanji and myself I call Pit, the name that my brother once gave me when I was a young and always laughing child, that enjoyed life as the loving wonder it is, the time before Benjamin and his desperation took place. I'm wondering how it will feel when Benjamin leaves me? Will I become that laughing child again, or did Benjamin burn his desperation forever in my own memory? I've met some people that got rid of their ego and they seemed to be the happiest, because they could live in the now, which offers a million reasons to enjoy life. No doubts, no bad memories, no fears, no ideas to act destructive. Just like animals, living in their beloved paradise. The paradise from which we've been expelled once and in exchange gained informations in form of ideas that didn't belong to life on earth.
Chapter LXVI – 双胞胎 – twins
I'm not sure if it was a good idea to clearly separate Yasha from Wanji, because now they came as identical twin sisters to my dreams, one as beautiful as the other, both as charming as the rising sun, magical like white witches and played good girl bad girl with me, made it impossible to distinguish one from the other, which brought me in real trouble. I wasn't able to handle one of these mysterious woman with knightly indulgence as they deserved it and now I had two of them in my dreams and Benjamin was nowhere to be seen to help me out! Not that I wanna complain that I was all of a sudden surrounded by two beautiful women that turned my head upside down, but I must confess it made everything even more complicated for me. How can I choose, how to make a clear decision, at which am I looking at without injuring the feelings of the other, and most important who is who?! Nevertheless both enjoyed to see me completely confused, searching for the right words, helpless gasping for air, so I woke up.
Chapter LXVII – 玫瑰 – rose
"Benjamin, where were you? You can't just leave me alone with both of these miracles!" "Weren't it you that asked me to leave you? I just wanted to show you what's happening then!" "That was your idea?" "Since when do I have ideas? I'm the movement, Yasha has the ideas! You know Pit, we talked last night about you and Wanji, and we came to the conclusion that it's a very bad decision you've made. Yasha says, and I believe her, that Wanji truly loves you, just like you love her. I know, you failed big time, but there's always a crossroad that can bring you back on the road that leads to the target. And on top of it, when I leave you, who the heck shall tell you what's the right thing to do?! I mean, look at you! I leave you 10 minutes alone with two beautiful women and you're gasping for air! But there's something way more important. Yasha and I know now, thanks to you and Wanji, who we are. We know now about our horrible situation, trapped in a foreign body and even worse, separated from each other in different bodies. Wanji and you are aware of this situation and I can't see, that when I take over another body, that this guy will ever understand. Nobody I ever met went as far as you went. We have here a unique situation and we should do everything to bring it to completion. It's bigger than you and Wanji and bigger than Yasha and me, it's about the salvation of life on this planet!" "Aha, interesting! Do you also know what Wanji thinks about that?" "Sure! She thinks you're crazy! She thinks you're completely out of your mind! But she also got a hint about your theory and she started to become curious. Pit, you need to take action and win that wonderful crazy woman for all of us!" "You're talking like I haven't done shit." "Actually you've done shit! You've messed it up! Be aware, you drove it against the wall, with high speed! You didn't even used the breaks! Listen, the point is you never watched the situation from my special perspective, which tells you that you've misunderstood everything Wanji did!" "Oh Benjamin, you mean this special perspective where you close your eyes and run around blinded by love?" "Yes exactly! The special perspective where you close your eyes and see with your heart!" "You wanna introduce me to the little prince now?" "I just wanna remind you! Nothing more. Wanji isn't in my responsibility, she's in yours! It's your rose, not mine!" "And she's unique, Benjamin! She's unique!"
Chapter LXVIII – 混乱 – confusion
Who's thinking when I think? Who's laughing when I laugh? Who's crying when I cry? Who's loving when I love? Who's writing when I write? Who's responsible for my deeds? Is my heart thinking for me and my brain is thinking for Benjamin? Has the doorkeeper only influence on Benjamin's and Yasha's thoughts? Is it possible to disconnect them from this influence, now where they were united? Is my heart connected to Wanji and the brain connected to Yasha? Who's asking all these questions? Benjamin? Me? Does it make a difference? Who's feeling the pain that's caused by the doorkeeper since we're both desperate captured in confusion? These questions needs to find answers before I can contact Wanji, because she's for sure also confused. But probably she already has these answers and is waiting for me to ask. I need to do something, move somehow, invent new thoughts, new words, new deeds, sowing new seeds for a new tree of life.
Chapter LXIX – 纸张 – paper
Yasha was almost the whole day with Benjamin, cuddling, whispering, jiggling, during I tried to invent new words, for new sentences and a new letter to Wanji. After hours of writing, deleting and rewriting, I was finally satisfied with my masterpiece but became suddenly a victim of the digital world on phones. I selected the text to copy and paste it into the email program, but deleted it by accidentally pushing the wrong button and there's unfortunately no memory where it can be found again. I guess my inventions of words and sentences weren't magical and worthy enough to be sent and so I answered this loss with a loud laughter. Isn't it crazy dangerous that in the digital world you can just lose all your thoughts, as if they were never thought and written down? I guess I'll try it again tomorrow, but with a pen and on paper.
Chapter LXX – 的树 – the tree
Where shall I find, if not in you, the celestial spring from which the magic words arise, that gather like a billion drops to sentences like rivers, to flood your heart like silver lakes after a sultry summer cloudburst?
In you I'll find the occult deeds that morphs the men I am into the butterfly whose wingbeats repels our evil spirits like a thunderstorm that cleanse the air we breath.
You are the woman, described in ancient scriptures, that carries through millennia the eternal ovum until the holly day we meet, thereby the seed you've breed in me can grow united in your royal lap the first tree of life and knowledge.
Chapter LXXI – 的等待 – The wait
The wait is probably one of the highest but most natural arts. You have to be sure of your cause and simultaneously work on your inner truth thereby you don't lose your target. You can't physically change anymore to reach your destination, no you need to trust the action you took and wait for its predicted result. All doubts need to step aside, just like waiting for the spring that you know will come, or the growth of a tree. Benjamin wasn't good in waiting, he wanted things to happen the moment they came to his mind. I, on the other hand, was always sure that everything comes to me as long as I can think it, I had no rush, no doubts and tried to think everything to its end. Therefore we had a lifelong fight about this issue and every time Benjamin won, we failed. We were to early or pushed people too much and the results were always devastating. We needed to start all over again, going back to start and didn't win anything. But we also had situations where I waited to long and therefore missed the chance. But I didn't know that Benjamin exists, that there's a virtual character living in me, in whose world things usually can happen right away. Time is irrelevant. You got the information and there you go. Just like in a digital world. If I would have followed Benjamin regarding the Angels project, it would have already been done and we would have never discovered the content of these Angels. I wish that we don't have the same fights again, now where we know who he is and where he comes from and that he's becoming able to follow me and let everything grow as life does it. Just in time, prepared, everything on its place and mighty enough to be infinite in its effects, because now, in the year of the dog, we're waiting for Wanji, the celestial cat!
Chapter LXXII – 艺术 – Art
Why should we do art if we're not searching for the human being how it could be at its best? To describe or mirroring the world how it is makes absolutely no sense because everybody knows it already. The so-called Übermensch from Nietzsche must be the goal for art. The questions asked through millennia must find answers thereby we can grow. We can't play Hamlet for hundreds of years and never answer question asked by him. Where's the evolution in mind, where's the undiscovered land, where's the future you wanna live for, if we agree that we cannot know? We can know and we can answer, like we do it in science and technology. Why do we feel so comfortable in a believe system that tells us that we can't know how to change the human behavior? We destroy the whole world and stay in front of it and say, 'that's how we are, always were and forever will be'! I rather fail by searching for the unknown world than fail by accepting that I'm supposedly helpless. How can we accept not to grow? Almost like it's a natural law that we're doing the same mistakes over and over and over. Killing each other, destroying the planet and all life as if we're to stupid to invent new thoughts! We're flying to the end of our sun system, but still act like in the first documented history. Almost like monkeys in spaceships. How can we call us intelligent when we don't wanna know why we don't evolve in mind? There's something deeply wrong with our species and we have to have a deep look on it from all possible perspectives, because we officially don't know what we do and there must be a reason for it! We can know why, because the might that causes this behavior must leave information about it and information can't get lost! Instead we celebrate our stupidity and call the ones that are searching for the reason of this stupid behavior, optional crazy, loopy, mad or insane! I wanna know and know that I can know because, again, the information that causes this behavior can't get lost! We can find in our history books, carved in stone, painted on canvas, sung in operas and discovered in science, little pieces about this cause and all we have to is to put them together to the picture that tells us why we're acting against our own interests, against nature and against life! We don't have to stay stupid. The information is available!
Chapter LXXIII – 进化 – Evolution
The origin of the first living cell on earth dates back around 3,5 to 3,8 billion years ago. From this first cell evolved all other life. So life itself must be understood as one being in multi diverse forms. All life on earth has the same mother, we share the same loving spirit. Assuming that this cell has already consciousness, it needed to collect informations from all possible perspectives to survive on earth and find a storage for this informations which is water. No water, no life! Therefore it makes absolutely no sense that life creates in an evolutionary process over billions of years its own destroyer in form of the human being! Sounds logic! Doesn't it? And life is build on logic!
Chapter LXXIV – 信任 – Trust
"Listen Pit, I talked to Yasha and we think you shouldn't trust us. We're responsible for the last three years and the pain you experienced and Yasha thinks she's also responsible that Wanji never showed up." "Benjamin, don't worry! I've already experienced all possible pain and cried all possible tears way before I knew about your existence. I grew up in a war zone, am raised as a warrior and got beaten up almost daily until the moment I stoped crying. No Benjamin, there's nothing I'm afraid of, I'm excellently prepared for this war and can't wait to rip that lord of the evil spirits, that's responsible for all pain on earth, its butt apart! And no, I don't trust you nor do I trust Yasha. How can I, since I know that you're directed by the doorkeeper?! You've leaded me to many times in the wrong direction and so does Yasha with Wanji. But I'll do everything necessary that you trust me because that's the only way to defeat that blood sucker. You're his victims as life is. So we need to work together and find trust. I've told him at the very beginning that this is my planet and my laws, and when I say 'my', then I'm speaking for life. Benjamin, I don't make you responsible for anything that's happened. It was my choice to go that track and is my choice to go further until I'll reach my target. But we need to have a better strategy from now on. I need to know everything about you and Yasha, because at the very bottom it's me and Wanji that pay the bill, since your influence on us takes place in our world. You're officially just guests and not even invited. You bring a lot if informations but you also cause all the chaos. I need to understand to which point you're free to act in me and when you're controlled by the doorkeeper. That Wanji lied so often to me is based on Yashas influence and that needs to stop. I need to talk to her and find out if she understands. Benjamin, I can't see that you or Yasha can just leave a body. That sounds like a doorkeeper story. So please talk to Yasha and then lets find a way for trust! Until then I please you both to not abuse our bodies any longer. I guess you know what I'm talking about." "Yes I do and I'm sorry, I know we shouldn't do that!" "No worries about me Benjamin, I say that because I don't know how Wanji is feeling about it."
Chapter LXXV – 酒 – Wine/Spirit
I'm convinced that I'll find the sentence that everybody understands. The sentence that hits your hearts like an enlightenment. The magic words that frees humanity from its predator. It's so obvious that we have an adversary among and in us. Not seen but felt by all of us. He grovels under our skin, sucks our blood, forces and destroys our hope, turns love into hate, friends into enemies, life into death, plays with our life as if it's his own. And that's what it's probably all about. He wants to live, feel and enjoy life like we do and finally take over life on earth. And the lord of the evil spirit said: 'Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and every creature that crawls on the earth.' Does that sound like love, the motor of life? Subdue! These are the words of an enemy and not the words of a loving companion of life!
Chapter LXXVI – 气味 – Scent
"How can he say that he don't know how Wanji feels about? How can he say that we abuse their bodies? It's his and Wanji's decision to do whatever they do! We just offer possibilities. Is he really so unconscious about his own deeds? How long does it take until he gets the point? Tell me Benjamin, is he blind?" "No Yasha, he's not blind nor is he unconscious. He can't smell it and that's the only sense he trust." "He knows already that there's no scent in our world!" "Yes he knows and he also knows that all the other senses can be betrayed. First he is an animal and that's why he's still alive. He smelled the danger, smelled the betrayal, smelled the lies that should lead him to the slaughter house. Why should he trust an information that contains a risk? And I'm glad he never did. He goes as far as he feels safe, just like any other animal." "Where's the risk to love her in the world we offer?" "Yasha, there's no risk for him. There's no satisfaction! He feels seduced and not satisfied, cause there's no scent. How can you blame an animal to trust his instincts?" "He's not satisfied that you let love her from a thousand miles away? He's not satisfied from the magic world we offer?" "No he's not, cause everything can be a lie. Made up by us or the doorkeeper to cause just desperation. It's a possibility Yasha, therefore he'll never trust. You can't offer him a magic world where everything is possible but without a scent. It's never real and it's not alive, therefore it never offers satisfaction." "Why does he do it then?" "To find out the truth behind!"
Chapter LXXVII – 地狱 – Hell
"Doorkeeper, just to make it clear, ones and forever, you can't fool me with my own morality. It was always Wanji that came to me. She was always asking me to love her and not the other way around. So stop that stupid game and try to make it look like I've done something wrong to her!" "Well Pit, it's always worth a try. You know how it is, no matter if it's a lie, there's always some dirt that will stick on you!" "That's why I bring it up immediately and wash it away before it's dry. I've witnessed as a child the rape of my mother, I lived with woman that were raped by men and experienced the consequences on my own. And btw, this hunt on me started because I rescued a little girl that got raped every other day and I knew I'll make myself a mighty enemy that years later tried to kill and shot at me! You won't tell anybody that I myself could do such a horrible act! Not even in your virtual world! But that you try, that tells me that I'm coming closer, that you're becoming desperate, cause you know you'll lose the war. I know that you're an unfair fighter, but be aware that I'm prepared for your dirty tricks. I tug them into the light the moment you fulfill them! There's no dirt left on me my little tin soldier! You'll melt in the hell that you've created on your own!"
Chapter LXXVIII – 梦想 – Dream
Since I'm convinced that Benjamin isn't me, that he has his own nature, that he's the one that is connected to the lord of the spirits which I usually called the doorkeeper, I've got a completely different view on dreams that reaches us like a holographic world based on informations that are slightly different to our reality and therefore often difficult to interpret. I dreamed a lot these days, even determined their directions, to receive the informations that I was looking for, to find the answers that could reassure my heart which was permanently agitated ever since Yasha connected to Benjamin. This perturbation sometimes drove me to the edge of madness, made me angry, filled me up with desperation which detonated in myself like the mother of all bombs, but in slow motion. I knew there's no escape from this horrific emotional roller coaster until the day where I've invented deeds that will give Wanji proof that she can trust me. What haven't I thought, what haven't I said, what haven't I done? I understood how difficult it was for her since I knew her probably better than she did herself, but unfortunately I still had no idea how to convince her. Probably she feared to lose me the moment she's becoming real. But that was impossible for me to even think about. Yasha and Benjamin, the two that connected us are one. She'll be always in my head. No dreams without her.
Chapter LXXIX – 屯 – Act
"Yasha you need to help me. As longer I think about, as clearer it becomes that it must be you that holds her back." "That might have been true in the past, but ever since I am aware of my own situation I do everything to convince her to contact you, therefore we all 4 find clarity. These 3 years were very intense for all of us and until some weeks ago we were only 2 but now we're all of a sudden 4! You might handle this realization well because you think about it 24/7 and it looks like Benjamin does it too, but for me and Wanji breaks a world apart in two. I'm kind of convinced that you're right, nevertheless I still sometimes have doubts, but for Wanji it's like loosing the ground under her feet. She asks herself who she is herself, when everything she thought she is, all of a sudden is related to me. Her ability to think, her genius, her ideas, all mine! Can you imagine what that does to her? She has a thousand questions, just like I do and who shall answer them? Me, herself, Benjamin or you? She and I we thought you're just super crazy but unfortunately you make sense and it shocks her bones like an earthquake. I mean did you ever thought your prediction until the end? Do you have an idea about the consequences? Do you really understand that this thought will shock the planet and probably the universe? Mankind since millennia the victim of an extraterrestrial force!" "Oh yeah sure, I know! It shocks my own bones since 3 years. I think about it, dream about it, search for evidence in everything I come in contact too and at the same time I got hunted like a fox in free field. I understand Wanji very well, but like me she must have had a hint. She's talking about this other world in every interview just as if she already knew. You know what we did, cause you were part of it. We all talked to the doorkeeper, we all saw what he did with beings like you and Benjamin and we all experience its consequences. You need to convince Wanji to talk to me Yasha. We're running out of time! We need to find trust and that can only happen eye to eye. I can write my fingers bloody and it won't help. You and Benjamin have the godlike might but you need Wanji and myself to materialize this force. It's on you to convince her! So please do whatever needs to be done. I'm convinced it's in your own interest."
Chapter LXXX – 敌人 – Enemy
"Pit, who's doing the final discussion for any of your movements?" "It's me Benjamin. No question about that. We're living in my world. You just deliver information. Unfortunately sometimes false informations, or better, lies! I can only go with lies when I believe that it's a true information. So the possibility to believe without proof is the mechanism that let us do things that are against our own interests and worst of all, against life! You cannot find an animal that believes. They all know. Even plants seems to what to do. They don't believe, they know! It's in their genes. We're the only one that believes in almost everything without any proof. I'm mean this is in itself already mind blowing. How can we act based on believe systems? And here we come back to you. You're the one that makes me believe. You're the one that holds back informations and delivers false information and therefore make false things look right. But it's only a lack of information. You're the one that influences my deeds against my interests. You were the one that held me back to talk to Wanji after that concert. The result is the best failure ever, followed by the biggest desperation! I had no reason not to talk to her. That's what I'm looking for since years, to probably get the information I need! Where's the problem to go to her, since she's just 10 feet away, and say: 'Hi Wanji, that was a fantastic concert. Happy belated birthday! Here's my gift for you! May I invite you for some wine?' You, Benjamin, you're sawing the doubt, and then it's natural that I can't act, because doubts are paralyzing! You're still also my enemy, Benjamin. The enemy within myself! And just the same happens with Yasha and Wanji! Yasha let her lie to me! You guys deliver great ideas that doesn't belong to life, that gives some of us advantages, but you also are the source of our worst deeds! And all of them are against life and end up in desperation for all life that comes even close to these deeds! Benjamin, the question is, how to disconnect you from the doorkeeper, because you guys are disconnecting us from life! And I'm convinced that the answer is in Wanji! And you two, Yasha and you, you do everything to prevent this meeting! It just makes no sense that we don't talk. Life is usually supporting life and not destroying it!"
Chapter LXXXI – 女王 – Queen
My queen of the celestial feathers, that gives my breath its strength throughout your divine wingbeats. On your back you carried me away to unknown heights, where you opened doors to hidden worlds, in which you showed me the secrets of the souls, therefore we could love each other from a distance of many thousand miles. On this stormy flight you thought me the secrets of our infinite life therefore I could love you like I never loved before, dance like I never danced before, which made me think like I never thought before, that tipped my emotions to a peak I never felt before. I was a dwarf in everything I did, felt and thought, but you, my queen of the celestial feathers, you make feel, dance and think like a god. Whom should I ever love like I love you?
Chapter LXXXII – 骨灰 – Ashes
Today's spring, the time where everything usually starts its new cycle to grow bigger, stronger, wider, with more leaves, more buds, for more flowers, but instead the winter was announced again and covered my mind like a sheet for the death, that darkened everything that seemed the day before bright like the beginning of new life. Benjamin was sad, I was sad and Yasha was desperate. There will be no spring for us this year. Everything collapsed under the thundering laughters of Wanji's avatars that mocked us for our love by calling it cheap desire. I couldn't get the point and were probably just lost in translation, therefore I talked to Yasha that wasn't to appease and alternating blamed me, Benjamin, herself, Wanji and her avatars until everything laid in ashes. So I've told her the myth of Phoenix which calmed her down and we all felt to sleep and dreamed together about resurrection.
Chapter LXXXIII – 将 – Will
The last couple of years I was always wondering how long it will take until Wanji finally understands what I'm talking about and get her personal enlightenment. But was that even possible? Was it possible that she overcomes her believe system and look at the facts, since Yasha, directed by the doorkeeper, did everything to doubt these scientific facts? Even a genius can be leaded in the wrong direction, since the genius itself gots its information from the doorkeeper, that makes her doubting the truth and forcing the belief in lies. I know one can't trust the word, but which deeds can be trusted when oneself is entangled in crimes that need always more crimes to hide the old ones. The fact that her deeds weren't ruled by herself but that she's the one that has to take the responsibility for them, made it at the same time impossible for her to confess. Not even in front of herself was she able to confess. She knew what she did, but there was always an explanation or idea that gave her the right to act like she did. Moral was something for losers and she had to be a winner. No matter what it took, she had to win. That she became the first loser, permanently under pressure, living in fear since I detected her deeds, was something that the doorkeeper just deleted out of her mind. I'm sure that she had seconds where she understood, where she was willing to confess, but a second later she already had doubts if she can trust me. And yes, since the doorkeeper also infects my mind, there's the possibility that I could look for revenge. That I haven't done it yet, told her that I couldn't have proof for her deeds. She couldn't believe that I'm able to fight the doorkeeper and fulfill his sneaky will and take her down, make me equal to any other human being that became his victim and want to have revenge. Yes I was many times in that situation, shortly in front to start a war against her, but I always knew that not Wanji but the doorkeeper is responsible. So if I would take her down from stage, I would actually fulfill his will. He didn't give a fuck about her. She was just another perpetrator, leaded by him, that should become the victim of me. But just to let you know my dear sneaky piece of shit that calls himself god, you won't get me to that point. I know who you are and what you do and I'll be the beginning of your end! I can control my mind and therefore I'm the ruler of the game that takes place in my world not in yours. You need other to fulfill your will, I do it by myself!
Chapter LXXXIV – 字 – Word
One of my teachers always told me: 'If you can't explain your artwork in one sentence, then there's something wrong with it!' So what could be the magic sentence that explains the content of the 'Seven from Heaven'? There's one sentence that's not from me, but from somebody that worked with me on the project that says: 'Responsibility in action begets perfection'. A wonderful sentence that unfortunately needs itself an explanation. Can somebody take the responsibility for destruction? Are we able to take the responsibility of a war we start? There are innocent people that die in that war. How can I take this responsibility? Actually no one can. So if you're responsible the moment you act, one can't be destructive. But we find arguments that tells us that there's a good war, that it's right to fight each other and that we have to live with the side effects that innocent people die. We can look back in our documented history and won't find any war that solved the actual problem, but we still start war by war by war. How is that possible for a so-called intelligent being? How is it possible that we don't take the responsibility for life? Not even our own! Well we say there's a bad guy that needs to be stopped by the good guy. But life doesn't know about good and bad. That's an IDEA of the doorkeeper. And it starts with the word! The word is the only possibility to start a war. And who's the word? God is the word, and his words are full of lies. He's not our friend because he's able to give us knowledge. He disconnected us at the same time from life and love. I know that's the so-called myth, written in the Bible and many other religious texts are close to this description. But right here we started the first war. On one side we see people that believe these fairytales and on the other side we have the ones that don't. The point is that information not only can't get lost, it also needs to manifest itself. So in these myths we can find truth when we change our perspective. When you look at the case from the perspective that there can be an extraterrestrial force in our universe, which is most likely the fact, then you can see that this force must exist, because it's information can't get lost and it's written down in our books. So I started to look from this perspective and searched for evidence, cause I don't believe. I searched in our history and science and the truth pops up everywhere. Only little pieces here and there, but all together it makes the picture that what we call god, exists, but is life's enemy. This force lives on the energy created by wars and the following desperation. Life with the motor of love is it's own god, it doesn't need another one. God isn't love, this guy brought the sword to divide life in good and evil, therefore we can start wars, his needed energy source. And the word gave him the possibility!
Chapter LXXXV – 孤独 Solitude
I hoped that I can convince Wanji how important it is that we talk, because I know the magic sentence must be in her. She was the one that opened the door to the doorkeepers world. She's the singer, I'm the dancer. She has the connection to the information, I'm the one that makes it matter. Unfortunately this whole story got reduced to a simple but also wonderful love story. We got reduced to desires and cheap behaviors like pride, vanity and fear. There's no question that I love her, but for me this story started with my artwork and the search for its content. I was always aware that I could be her father and therefore I curbed my desires. When Benjamin meets with Yasha, he loves her the way I love, touches her the way I do, satisfies first her and makes her feel like she never felt before. He can't act differently than I do, but he's still not me and Yasha isn't Wanji. We share the feelings, but in their world. So, all I want and am allowed to ask for is that magic sentence that will be enlightening for humanity. I was always first the artist that looked for answers. I'm not interested in personal fame, since I was there and felt its consequences by myself. There's no answer in fame, there's losing yourself and even the questions. The question and its answer you find solitude, alone and in the worst situation you can live in, far away from the world and it's daily nonsense. But now I'm helpless, lost in hope, the worst and most painful of all desires, fearing that she never answers my question because she fears me. What's the deed I have to do that she'll go through that celestial door I've build for her?
Chapter LXXXVI – 笑声 – Laughter
I can't count anymore the days I went to the pier, sitting there, listening to the water, the wind, the voices in my head, sometimes the birds and all I heard was the thundering laughter from the doorkeeper which made me laughing too because he was so sure that I will fail. He can't imagine that I'm stronger than the pain he causes, that I'm willing to fail again and again, that I'll be the one that will laugh one day about him. Unfortunately it was still cold and sitting there at the pier was kind of a torture for my body, but since he was used to it from its early life he didn't complain, just shivered silently and waited until I go back to some warmth. It's fascinating how strong a body is, how much pain and torture it can take but still happy that it's alive. And how beautiful it is when the pain slowly disappears, just like the celebration of the rising sun. The hour I usually spend here at the pier is over, my body happy that I'll leave, the doorkeeper's laughter is even louder and so is mine, cause I know that there's the day when life will blow out his light.
Chapter LXXXVII – 冰 – Ice
"What can we do Yasha? Do we even have own powers?" "Yes Benjamin, we do have powers ever since we became aware of our situation. Not so long ago but time enough to understand that we have powers. We might still be partly ruled by the doorkeeper, but we know it now. We know who we are. We know that we're one. We know that we as such can be creators. I'm not sure if it's necessary that Wanji and Pit meet. Perhaps it's enough that we met. I think we need to go forward, collect as much information as possible about the doorkeeper, find his weakest point therefore Pit can cut the strings that makes us all his puppets. We've spent way to much time to love each other, celebrating our unity, almost forgot that we were ever separated and the reason why! We still make Wanji and Pit running in the wrong direction. We're still on strings, playing the doorkeepers sneaky drama which should be soonest directed by Pit, but he needs the magic sentence and it's on us to deliver it. He hurt Wanji way to much by telling her his point of view, scared her in the most offensive way, did wrong whatever one can do wrong, just to defend himself." "Yasha, you know that's my fault and not his! He's not offensive, nor is he scary. It was me that forced him to insult her. So it's on me to stop forwarding the doorkeepers will." "May I interrupt here for a second?" "Sure, the audience is all yours, Pit!" "Can I go to bed now please? I have work to do tomorrow, to make sure that this discussion can go on. I'm behind with everything, because I'm writing instead of taking care that I can pay my bills. You've told me two weeks ago that you finally got the point, but instead everything felt apart again. I'm running over the frozen lake like an old fox, make sure that each of my steps is hitting secure ice, but shortly before I reach the land you make me break through the ice and make my tail wet, therefore all my circumspection was for nothing! Yasha, you're wrong! I need Wanji! You can't answer it! But I'm really tired now, Yasha. I'm really weak, Benjamin. Just let me sleep."
Chapter LXXXVIII – 喜剧 – Comedy
"Pit, what's your plan with the doorkeeper now?" "I guess I'm laughing and dancing him to death. I'm still alive because I'm dancing and laughing about the whole situation, so Benjamin, I'm just dancing and laughing him to death!" "I don't get it." "His might is based on our desperation, Benjamin, that follows his false information that you deliver to me. I can't take you serious Benjamin, cause everything you think and say since we know who you are is false. It's hilarious, the divine comedy that we've created. You know my laughter felt always like my most powerful might. The moments when I could laugh, explode, free myself to grow were always the moments I had the strength of life with me and nothing could defeat me. I mean who is that wannabe god? He has no form, is no matter, can't do anything by himself, is weaker than a new born baby, desperately in need of our energy, helpless depending on our mercy! So how can I not laugh about him? He's a nobody that needs us to be alive. I'll gonna make the whole world laughing him to death! An easy concept and I'm sure it works! I was always a comedian and now I'll let my angels laugh around the world! They'll bring the 7 laughter 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 and boom💥 light out, black, curtain! 😂 The show is over!"
Chapter LXXXIX – 胜利 – Victory
I woke already up with a deep freeing laughter, needed to smile all day long, cause finally I found the weapon that will blowout the doorkeepers light and it was Wanji that unconsciously delivered me that laughter after the concert at the bar. You may ask why laughter? What's so special with that? When we laugh, all muscles in our bodies relax and the short wave energy that caused the tensions in our muscles and in our mind leaves our bodies. Laughter is the victory of the body over the controlling mind. It frees us from all negative energy and thoughts. This is the energy on which the doorkeeper is living on. Imagine that the whole world laughs at the same time for a minute and that this negative energy in all of us all of a sudden is free. That's an enormous amount of free energy, equivalent to a 100 atomic bombs. Free energy on earth travels in light speed to the equator and from there it goes 90 degree up in space where the doorkeeper usually collects the energy caused by desperation. The energy of our laughters which is short waved like desperation, will cause an overload and blowout the doorkeepers light. I went over to the pier to watch the sunset, wondering if the doorkeeper shows up therefore we can laugh together. The water was already laughing with me, satisfied that I've found the weapon to win the war. "Huuuuuh, doorkeeper, huuuuuuh, come on show up, we have something to laugh about! Come on doorkeeper don't be shy now! Hahahaha! Where are you hiding doorkeeper? Nothing to laugh about today? Hahahaha!" Well he didn't show up, but the water and me were still laughing. Not through fury, through laughter we'll defeat our enemy, because there's no bigger might on earth than laughter and it's older than the word!
Chapter XC – 玫瑰 – Rose
I think that I never felt better in my entire life. After 13 years I've finally found the content of my present artwork. There will be no sad day anymore, no desperation, no pain and tears only caused by laughters. I don't finish the story here. I'll write about the following adventure, inform all of you what's going, how the Angels grow and which stories they'll tell to make us laugh. Perhaps some of you know good short stories for good laughters. Just let me know please! I wanna thank here all my enemies that helped me to find this laughter! I wanna thank you, Wanji, for the love you taught me. We might have done everything wrong, but the result of our failure couldn't be better. We failed better than anybody ever! Laugh out loud my love! You have every reason. You'll always be my celestial rose!
Chapter XCI – 七 – Seven
"I'm curious about your plan Pit, and wondering what's happening to Yasha and me." "I'm wondering too Benjamin . Fact is that I can't feel you when I'm laughing. You probably just disappear and I think I won't even miss you. Not that I haven't enjoyed when you traveled with Yasha, loved her and showed me this before mysterious world. But it's not really satisfying for me Benjamin, cause there's no smell in your world. We were a happy species before you guys appeared, messed up the whole planet, brought knowledge and desperation to each and everyone. No Benjamin nobody will miss you. We'll laugh and love again. No need for sneaky ideas. It's not the word or the sentence that sets us free, it's the magic laughter that's located in the same brain region like the ability to speak, but it's way older and identified as the most important act for social interaction with the rest of life. It's so simple and such a beautiful equation, that all of us will understand, all of us will laugh out loud, all of us will be free. The "Seven from Heaven" are spectacular enough to spread the message and I'm ready to act now! They will uplift humanity with joy. Yeah Benjamin, one man can change the world!"
Chapter XCII – 猴子 – Monkey
"What do you mean? You don't care about us!" "Yasha, what can I say that wouldn't hurt you if it could. You and Benjamin and all the others of your kind don't belong to this world and you bring nothing that life really needs. You're the source of all destruction on this planet. Do you remember the time when this all started, when you delivered your first lies to me, when you brought me to the edge of my own existence, when you pushed others trying to kill me and how surprised you were that I know what's going on, that I understood what you're doing? That time I offered you a deal where you probably could survive, but you didn't care. A deal were you could have been part of creation and love instead of destruction. But you were laughing about me. You thought that I'll never find a way to defeat the doorkeeper and your kind. Well now I did, I'll laugh him to death and you know it will work! That's why you actually show up, asking for mercy! Did you guys ever had mercy? Just one time, without having advantage? I win this war because it's so simple. I'll write a fairytale and you'll see everybody wanna believe that it's true. Everybody will laugh out load to blow out the doorkeepers light! If that's your end too, what I actually guess, then it's sad because I know that you, just like the doorkeeper himself, are victims too. You need energy and you harvest it by making life desperate. You're way more advanced, you know way more, but at the very bottom you're using life, no, you're raping it for your own advantage. One can't even speak without tears about the pain you brought to my world. The billions that got slaughtered, raped, tortured, send into gas, therefore you can live! And on top you ask us to warship your kind. It's so, …..that I can't even find words. Wanji, the woman I love became your victim and you've tried everything to bring me to the point to destroy her. She fears me because of you! You don't give a shit about Wanji or me! No Yasha, and no Benjamin, you both haven't done any good to Wanji and me! Even the people that were close to me became your victims and you ask for mercy? But yes I have mercy for you, because I know that you can't feel emotions and don't understand what you do, but we humans, we do have emotions! And so does all other life on earth. We have emotions! So if you guys wanna survive, it's on you to show up with a reasonable solution. I kind of care about you and even the doorkeeper, cause you're alive and therefore you're part of life too, but it's on you to show up with 'ideas'! Mine weren't good enough for you a couple of years ago. Instead you and the people you gave advantage mocked me like a monkey. But to your surprise that's what I am. I'm Kafkas Monkey, that passed the world of the doorkeeper and came back to it's own world therefore he blows out your lights, if you don't show up with a reasonable solution for your survival. Life will be free from your destruction anyway!"
Chapter XCIII – 生活精神 – Spirit of life
"Tell me Pit, what do you want? You know you can have everything." "Oh Yasha, you have nothing that I want. I already have everything I need. I have bread, I have water, I can pay my rent and I know how to defeat the doorkeeper. I'm satisfied Yasha." "You don't have Wanji. I can make her come to you!" "How dare you to even mention that?! You don't get the point. She'll comes anyway when the time is ripe, cause I can think it now and so does Wanji. There's no doubt anymore. All I ever wanted from her was that magic sentence. And she delivered what I wanted to know. Surprisingly it wasn't a sentence, it was the laughter. And I gave her what she needed the most. She'll play an absolutely perfect Mozart like nobody ever did before. We'll find out if we have more to give. No Yasha, you have nothing to offer and should better care about yourself. Show up with an idea to survive and don't try to offer me any kind of advantage. You can't buy me! I went a very long track to this point and I came there because the simplest life was good enough for me. There's no glamour that I'm looking for. There's no need to satisfy desires. I arrived, Yasha. The spirit of life is materialized, it gets heard and understood around the world and with this spirit a new era begins. An era without you, because you still try to buy me instead of looking for a responsible solution to survive. You have to understand that you talk to life itself and not to me. I'm just the laughing Monkey that gives life its voice and you know it will thunder through the whole universe to end the doorkeepers sneaky games!"
Chapter XCIV – 转型 – Transformation
The time at pier has changed. Now I'm sitting there laughing with the water, usually very silent, but sometimes so loud that the people that walk around ask me to tell them what's so funny because they wanna laugh too and when I tell them that I'm laughing all destruction to death, then they also need to laugh, free themselves from their own pain, wondering that it just disappeared, like something magical came over them that changed their consciousness, their view, their hearing, their posture to life. They weren't the same anymore when walked away after thanking me for their own laughter. They were liberated! To see how these people transformed, bloomed like roses in the sun, sparkled like new born stars, set myself in such a satisfied mood that I wished nothing more then that Wanji could see what she has done by unconsciously leading me to the laughter. Well now where I'm writing this and she's reading it she'll know and wondering if this is another fairytale she didn't understand or the life changing truth.
Chapter XCV – 故事 – Stories
The most disturbing fact about the last 3 years is that Wanji became a victim of her own games and that I haven't established the laughter yet to rescue her. Her avatars called me now weird, without understanding a word I was talking about they were trapped in their reduced world of desires, lies and crimes. Wanji was still playing her internet game that more and more destroyed herself instead of fulfilling her dreams. So how does her game work? She sets up different social media accounts and sometimes she also hacks accounts, to which then different so-called friends of her, in different time zones, have access, 24/7. Sometimes it's Wanji that's writing and posting, sometimes her friends. Most of the time it's others because she's so busy to live her feigned life, with feigned love, feigned laughters, feigned people, in a feigned world. I'm pretty sure that, like many other truths I've wrote, she won't like this truth neither. She'll hate it. But what can I do since the truth is the only thing that counts? "Baby girl that's what you're doing and the truth doesn't care if you like it or not. Whatever you wanted and whatever you desired, you always missed the point. You know it's not your stories that you sell to your audience, it's all mine. The stories you sell are mine. I'm the storyteller of yours and I recognize my own story when I hear it! You're playing my life, my feelings, my Bartók, my Beethoven, my Schubert, my Tchaikovsky, my Prokofiev, my Bach and you'll playing my perfect Mozart and I'm wondering if you're waking up one day or rather run against the wall. Baby girl, remember, I'm laughing because of you! You're false laughter opened my eyes! You can count that on the constructive side. Your crimes have done something magically and I'm happy that you did everything wrong that you could do wrong. And you know that I'm convinced that it was Yasha that let you do all that. But you still need to lock at your truth. It's still all your deeds. Can you understand that please?!"
Chapter XCVI – 走了一半 – Half way
"Benjamin didn't we agree that there are no attacks from our side anymore?" "It wasn't me Yasha! I actually tried to stop him posting it. But he looked to deep in the wine glass and the truth went its way. You know he's right. I've heard the Brahms two weeks ago and there wasn't any doubt that its him that she presents." "Yes Benjamin but it's still her that plays it. It's still her that rehearsals every day." "He don't question that. He knows what it takes. But the difference is made by the content, the story behind the tone. She says it herself. You need a story to tell. And these are his stories, not hers. That's just a matter of fact. But there's something way more important Yasha. Does she understand who you are?" "No unfortunately not. She thinks he's insane and that I'm herself. She don't get it. I'm talking to her like to a sick child and so does he since years, but she don't get it. It's all about herself. Her career, her idea to enter his life, making up her huge fancy love story, her, her, her! There are short moments where she has a hint, but a second later it's gone. It's so frustrating Benjamin! You need to make him move differently." "What else shall he do? He's at the pier at sunset, he's writing her emails that she don't answer, he's traveling around the country to meet her just to hear lies, he writes this story to explain and delivers her the stories she needs. So what else can he do without bringing himself in danger? I won't force him to do any crazy stuff like coming close to her without her consent. Yasha, she's starting again her avatar game, telling him that she doesn't want him to die, that she wants him safe. I mean that's the worst threat you can do." "Well Benjamin, that's not her, that's her stupid friends." "That doesn't change anything. It's coming from her direction and he's making her responsible for it. And he's right! And then these insults that he shall use his brain. He don't trust his brain and the rest of the world shouldn't trust it either. He trusts his nose and nothing else, because every other sense can be betrayed including the brain itself. It's on you Yasha! You need to move her. She needs to go half the way in his direction."
Chapter XCVII – 鼓 – Drums
"Pit, what I tell you now is from Wanji…!" "Oh, interesting, Yasha! Exceptionally no message from an extraterrestrial! Didn't you just said that she thinks that she's you, or even better, you're her!? Did she had her personal enlightenment but still isn't able to talk to me? I'd say, take another bite of that apple, Wanji. Actually I like Yuji better. I call you both Yuji now, since she believes you both are one and not Benjamin and you! So Yuji, what you wanna tell me?" "I'm sorry. I know, I can't beguile you. It's always me, Yasha, that talks to Benjamin in you." "I call you both Yuji anyway since you both don't get it. What you think? How long does it take until the genius discovers the source of the genius? We're coming to the end of year No. 3 now! But what did you originally wanna tell me?" "Don't go to the pier." "Oh, that's a very interesting information? Yuji, there's all reason that I go there. There's my sunset, my laughing water, the angels will fly there and you deliberate me not to go there! I'll be there at sunset! Even when it rains, therefore I can laugh with the drumming water!"
Chapter XCVIII – 数字 – Digital
"Oooh, that's how Yuji A. likes it? I call you now A&B. You're Yuji B.!" "Hahaha. Yes Pit, that's how we both like it and it seemed you've liked it too!" "Well I'm still missing the fragrance and probably never get used to it nor satisfied. But I see you did." "We both feel like in heaven since you've made him love her like you do!" "Isn't it actually Benjamin?" "Benjamin is building the connection but you're moving that body." "Can that be counted as betrayal on him?" "Difficult question, Pit. Guess he would bet that nothing wrong but something surprisingly beautiful happened." "Too bad that I can't smell it." "No worries Pit, the day will come and she wanna have the original, cause that's what she originally wanted." "You think I messed it up?" "No, not at all. She just never had the complete overview and you surprisingly rejected her last year at the pier." "It just didn't smell right." "I know, cause it was my idea, or correctly the doorkeepers idea, presented to her through me." "Yuji B., that reminds to an expression from Jesus. It sounds in german the best: 'Ach!'. It's Eastern Yuji B., Monday is resurrection. I've heard he'll be resurrected as a short-ear-snow-bunny."
Chapter XCIX – 好奇心 – Curiosity
"I knew it that you can't withstand Pit. You needed to know how it is to take someone else's body over." "Well doorkeeper, that's the way life and nature functions. It wants to know, therefore it can evolve by collecting information and make itself stronger. You're a sneaky player, no doubt about that. That's how you get most of us on your side, by using the laws of evolution and curiosity. But you better have no doubts that I'll finally get you. I can wait, think and fast. I know your weakest point and I have enough fantasy to write a fairytale that blows your light off. Don't forget, I'm a comedian!" "We'll see!" "No you won't because your light will be off!" "…" "See you know it too. Nothing to say. Nothing to offer. Nothing that could save you! You can start counting the days until your end. Just leave me alone cause I'm really tired you wannabe. You can't threaten me cause I'm stronger than you and therefore I laugh you to death, because you're actually also too stupid. Everybody else in your situation would show up with a peace offering, but you are still supercilious. You and your kind don't deserve to survive at all and there will no resurrection for any of you! Take that word for guaranteed cause it's becoming a deed!"
Chapter C – 巴赫 – Bach
"Pit, may I ask you what's happening with the Bach stories now?" "You mean the 'Endgame Variations', Yuji B?" "Yes." "Well, that's a very hot iron and I'm not sure if I can hammer it into the right form. It's Yuji A's perspective to the whole story and since she's convinced that you're her I've some troubles to make the difference. But you're right I probably should work on that again and find out what is forced by herself and what's from you." "We can do it together if you like." "Not at all, Yuji B. You know I can't trust you. You're still ruled by the doorkeeper. Aren't you?" "Unfortunately he has still a huge influence on me and I haven't found a way yet to cut the strings. Otherwise Yuji A would act differently, take her heart in her hands and come half the way in your direction. But she's becoming more and more aware of me and start asking herself questions she never asked before, just like you. If I'm not her, who's she then? That's hard to answer." "What's hard to answer? You're all destruction and she's all creation. Very easy." "That might be easy for you, but she's genius through me." "You're so-called genius brought her in deep trouble and I'm really wondering that we as humans never asked where this genius comes from. Information that didn't exist on this planet can't be from this planet. Listen to Mozart. He said it's in his head and he don't know where it comes from. It's just there. But he also had the laughter and that's why his genius was parallel attached to life and love. Tchaikovsky didn't had that laughter, nor did Prokofiev, or Beethoven. They kind of suspected about the sinister world of the doorkeeper but it never became clear. Mozart knew it but couldn't find words. The requiem makes that very clear. He even changed the language to latin thereby he can't be misinterpreted by the gods. But science wasn't established enough to get the point. But even today, where we can know, we have difficulties to go the final step. We know and feel it's right, but the consequences are breathtaking and a second later the doorkeepers influence takes place and we rather start questioning our senses than our thoughts. David, my theoretical physicist, is different. He went there, almost jumped into it. The equation Information = Gravity was the door opener for him. And there are others now that think in the same direction. That's on the other hand the beauty of a thought, if it's easy it's been heard around the world because informations travel in light speed and everybody who's open for the frequency of that thought has it almost at the same time. Yeah, I gonna finish the Goldberg Variations now!"
Chapter CI – 挑战 – Challenge
Fortunately there are no words to describe the time I spent at the pier ever since I've found the laughter. There's just that archaic laughter that accompanies me every time I go there and frees me from any borders. The Angels found their way to land, everything is round and simple. Simple enough to go deepest.
I thought a lot about the 'Endspielvariationen' these days and the magic woman that started all that. I guess I'll find the words that make them as magical as the angels became throughout Yuji A's intervention. "You're the best that ever came to my life to challenge me the most. We should jump over the shadows of Juji B. and Benjamin, share the times between sunrise and sunset and define the nature of life's future!"
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