text:
Zach Selwyn
Actor. Musician. Host. Writer. Dinner Guest.
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By Zach Selwyn
I can vividly picture the scene taking place on a Newark, New Jersey street corner in 1922… Prohibition is hanging heavily over every boarded up bar and single family household on the block. The streets are full of the penniless, making bedding out of old jackets on the grey and crunchy dirty sidewalk snow. Children are wrapping up nightly stick ball games to return home for dinner as the streets darken with denizens of the nightlife and small time hoods…
And then suddenly, out of the darkness, trotting up in a horse-drawn buggy, appears Rabbi Levi Zalman, who is suddenly swarmed by scores of men from these homes looking to procure the finest bottle of bootleg wine they can get their hands on. Money is exchanged, prayers are said and the men race home to their families. With every sale, Rabbi Zalman mutters, "Baruch Hashem." (Blessed be the name of the lord). When it's all over, Rabbi Zalman rides away a very rich man…
Of course, Rabbi Levi Zalman is not a Rabbi at all. In fact, he is Jack Joseph Brauer, an out-of-work shoe peddler from East Jersey City who has just unloaded his Government-relegated weekly supply of booze for a shade over $5,000.
He is also my great-great grandfather. This was his "congregation."
Ratified in 1920, the 18th Amendment to the Constitution – which is America's only Amendment to later be repealed – federally prohibited the manufacture, transportation and sale of alcohol. Of course, this was one of our biggest failures in our short history, and led to the golden age of organized crime, corruption and sheer madness across the country.
Doing some research (And I am not the first to report this – just giving you some background) Jewish households were allowed a certain amount of wine per household per year. To top that off, if you were a Rabbi, and you lead any type of "congregation" (12 members or more) you were allowed to get as much wine as you wanted for religious purposes at any time you desired… So guess what happened? A lot of "new Rabbis" suddenly started showed up.
"There were fake Rabbis everywhere," my grandmother told me years ago before she died. "If you knew 12 people, that was a congregation… why do you think so many people started converting to Judaism during the 20's? FOR BOOZE."
So, when Jack Brauer's shoe business got hit with hard times in the early 1920's, he bought some religious robes, sported a fake beard and marched up to the proper Governmental distribution center and bought as much alcohol as he needed… He flipped it in two days and kicked off a successful six-year-run as the biggest "Rabbi Bootlegger" in Newark, New Jersey.
A few years later, when the American Jewish Committee began cracking down on the large number of fake Rabbi's, my great-great grandfather Jack was NOT on the suspected fraud list. In fact, he continued to support his family until 1931, just before the Amendment was repealed. How? He had the third largest congregation in New Jersey at the time. (Even though it was 95 percent FAKE.)
Now, according to the three part documentary Prohibition by Ken Burns, other religions had these loopholes as well. In fact, Priests were ALSO able to purchase liquor for religious ceremonies. Of course, the government could actually reference records to determine if someone claiming to be a Priest actually was a Priest. But Rabbis? There was NO WAY OF TELLING WHO WAS A RABBI.
Starting to see why I'm obsessed with this stuff…
According to writer Daniel Okrent, "Rabbis were suddenly showing up everywhere. Irish Rabbis, Black Rabbis…" Nobody ever doubted their religious claims.
As is turns out, my grandmother was correct. In the 1920's, Jewish congregations increased in membership by like, 75 percent. In short? BOOTLEG LIQUOR BUILT MODERN DAY JUDAISM. In fact, I don't think you can reference a time in history when more NEW Jews suddenly showed up out of the woodwork to embrace Judaism in our nation's history. No wonder we say prayers over the wine…
A few years ago, my grandmother Florence passed away. Readers of my stories should be familiar with our adventures together in her later years, which included a trip to the Ace Hotel, smoking medical marijuana and leafing through her old photo albums so she could announce who was presently, "Dead." When she passed, it was a sad moment, and a week later, our family went through her home to get rid of old useless items…(My grandfather's 5000 VHS tapes of classic movies) and save valuable ones… (My grandma had always claimed that she had hidden "thousands of dollars in cash" all over the house and that it was our job to find it when she died.)
Of course, knowing this, we tore open her home like Jesse Pinkman looking for hidden cash in that drug dealer's condo in the film El Camino…
My mom and I found some money, but the "thousands of dollars" my grandma promised turned out to be something more like 220 bucks. We also uncovered a lot of jewelry and a stamp collection valued at about $39. So, if you're the new couple that bought the place? If you ever find some ungodly wad of $100 dollar bills in a crawl space, hit me up…
Aside for a few of my grandma's stray Vicodin, which I squirreled away in a jacket pocket, the only other item in the home that really intrigued me was my grandmother's birth certificate. On it was listed her parent's names and occupations – (Ruth Brauer-Kaplan – housewife. Jacob Kaplan- Dentist) – as well as her GRANDPARENT's names and occupations… What intrigued me was the job description as reported to the state of New Jersey by JACK JOSEPH BRAUER –
His job: RABBI.
"Wow so Grandma's story was true?" I asked my Uncle Steve who was helping my mom go through Florence's old belongings.
"Yes indeed," he answered.
"So was he really a Rabbi?" I asked.
"Do you know what a 'Rabbi' was back then?"
"I'm guessing a bootlegger?"
"It's great getting to know your family, isn't it?"
I went into the kitchen and poured myself a large glass of wine. I toasted my grandma on her final journey and raised my glass up to Jack Joseph Brauer – my great-great grandfather who kept so many families buzzed during the dark years of Prohibition…
"Baruch Hashem," I said.
STREAM ZACH'S NEW SONG "Red Fuckin Wine" NOW!
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Zachariah's new song explores the corporate logo marketing travesty that all of us 90's kids endure every time we see a Nirvana or Ramones shirt for sale in Target or Wal-Mart. Back in 1992 I had to go to the concert to buy a $30 shirt. Now the logo is on onesies.
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Zachariah & the Lobos Riders are set to release their newest 6 song EP "Cloud Road." Z details how this surprise record came about…
Cloud Road EP * 2020 By Zachariah & the Lobos Riders
In December of 2019 I blew out my knee playing basketball. I vowed to return to the court within a year and elected for surgery in January of 2020 – Following the surgery came the Norcos. As a decent wine drinker, painkillers were never my thing and I have been able to avoid them after major surgeries – of which I've had my share… But this time, things were a little different. Lying in bed, unable to walk or barely get up to use the bathroom, I would play a lot of music and drift off into the spacial tranquility of a few pain pills. At first it was 2, then it became 3 and I was pretty soon out of my bottle… The doctor had told me it would take about three days to not need them anymore, I was on day 11. What came to me during these lost moments was a lot of lyrics about childhood memories, dreams dying, and the main street that I grew up on in Tucson Arizona in the 80's and 90's… Cloud Road. The first song is the raw file you hear "Cloud Road Painkiller Freestyle." That was done in one take off the dome. I quickly understood why so many artists get involved with Vicoden, Percoset etc. These five songs came to me in three days. The sixth was written for the TV show "Breaking Bad" but ultimately not chosen.
CLOUD ROAD (CLICK FOR SAMPLE)
A different approach for me for sure. A nod to my teenage years in Tucson dying to go anywhere… now looking back and realizing I have gone everywhere. What's next? I need another motivating factor to push me into whatever is next…
PRAY TO THE LORD
Back in high school, my friends and I would drive around all night and break into unlocked cars and steal stuff. We then took the stuff to Zia Records for trade money, Play it Again Sports for cash and second hand shops… One night a few guys broke into my old football coach's truck and he was watching us from his window. At one point, one of the guys said he saw him flash a gun. We ran. The part about dropping my high school ring at the scene of the crime is based on a separate incident involving a girl's bedroom when her boyfriend stopped by – but combining these two incidents into this song made sense.
MY MIND GOT MIXED WITH WANDERING
Yeah, where does the motivation go? I think I speak for a lot of young people here when I talk about how we all want to find that one comfortable place but then see something else a little more appealing just around the corner. I wasted a lot off my 20's looking for something else and not recognizing what was in front of me.
JUST A LITTLE INTERMISSION
Again, painkillers had me rapping to myself a lot. And for some reason I was doing it in a Humpty Hump – Special Ed voice… This is a nod to the 90's hip-hop I loved – and it's really just a joke – as most of my rap songs are.
CLOUD ROAD PAINKILLER FREESTYLE
When putting this EP together, I came across this a week before releasing it. It is the seeds that grew into the title track of the record as well as the "Intermission" song. I was rapping into my phone on a galaxy of pain meds… In a studio this might actually be dope.
THE BALLAD OF JESSE PINKMAN
Since I rhymed about Jesse Pinkman in "Intermission," I felt like this fit on this record as well. I wrote this before a season of breaking Bad and sent to the EP's, tweeted about. And had a lot of show fans RT it as well. Ultimately, someone heard it and said they did not need any new music. So FUCK THEM. This song deserves to be heard, even if the show hasn't been on for six years.
"ALEXA PLAY RED FUCKIN WINE!"
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48 hours into a nine-day cruise on the Baltic Sea, I successfully traded a first season DVD of the TV show SMILF for a bottle of French wine.
About two weeks ago, my friend Dan asked me to help punch up some scripts for a new live music/theatrical show he was producing on the Lightdream Cruise Line – a ship that is the size of some small cities – with 4000 passengers aboard and over 1200 staff members… Always one for an adventure, I took the gig, fondly recalling the last time I was on a cruise back in high school… I bathed in crystal blue waters, ate unlimited five star food, seduced beautiful women and sipped tropical cocktails by the pool… I was hoping this would be the same thing.
Ehhh, not so much.
Following a 17-hour travel day, Dan, the show's producer Mark and I boarded the ship in Brest, France. Following our long trip, I was craving a glass of red wine and some Netflix. We met our cruise liasion, Sarah, and she gave us the lay of the land…
"So where's like, the best bar on the ship?" I asked.
"Oh honey, there's no alcohol until we reach Copenhagen in four days," she said.
"Excuse me?" I replied.
"Yep. And all the restaurants are closed. Oh, and be aware that there's no internet or facilities open now… This is called 'Dry Dock.'"
"And where can I jump overboard?"
As I contemplated learning how to make "toilet merlot" in my cabin, I got the rundown on what exactly "Dry-Dock" is.
"Dry-Dock" is when the ship is being refurbished, rebuilt and cleaned. For weeks, it is in a state of disrepair and thousands of contractors from over 50 countries tear up carpets, put up stages and gather for their three meals a day in the makeshift dining room. People are monitored, allowed 45 minute meal windows, told to avoid sexual contact, can be kicked off board if they have weapons or contraband and nobody is allowed off the ship once they are on…
Sound familiar? Yeah, that's because it sounds exactly like prison.
The view during 'Dry Dock.'
If I was going to write a Yelp review about the makeshift dining room where we were forced to eat, I would describe it as "Just a cut below Cracker Barrel…with all the ambience of a shopping mall Red Robin."
Still, it was our only option and Dan, Mark and I became our own little prison gang, talking under our breaths about Broadway shows and musical theater as massive Scottish, Irish and Croatian guys cursed in their own languages, swallowed gallons of coffee and made us feel like we had to kick one of their asses to establish our dominance in the jail yard…
"I guarantee you we're the only guys in this dining room right now discussing The Greatest Showman," Mark said.
The food was constantly recycled and turned into a "new dish" the following day. For instance, the leftover "Breaded Chicken and Peppers" from the night before suddenly showed up again the next morning in the "Breaded Chicken Veggie Scramble." At one point, I counted four meals in a row featuring a fish called branzino.
Enjoying my 5th Branzino dish of the week…
Common Mistake
One day in the slop line, I chatted up one particularly nice Irish pipe-fitter named Lochlin as we were served what was being passed off as "Lamb Stew."
"Hey man – where's the booze on this ship?" I whispered. "Somebody's gotta have something?"
"Booze? You gotta cohme to Deck One," he replied in a thick brogue. "We smahggled in everything… booze, dihrty mags, DVD's."
And just like that, my trip was saved.
"Wait – why do you have DVDs?" I inquired.
"Shite – with no intehrnet – DVD's are our only fohrm of entertainment. They're in high demahnd… Unless you have a thumb drive with pornahgraphy on it – that's what everybady wants."
He wasn't lying. As it turns out, thumb drives with porn on them were traded among the contractors like cigarettes at Riker's Island. If I could only download my weekly browsing history on Redtube.com, I'd be a very rich man.
"So how much are DVD's worth?" I asked.
"Depends," he said. "I just traded seahson one of Stranger Things for four pahcks of smokes… it was fookin' brahlliant."
It was then that I remembered I had a few DVD's with me in my backpack. With any luck, I'd have something valuable on me… I also had a thumb drive that, if I recalled correctly, had Toy Story 3 on it from a family trip a few years back. I ran to my cabin to assess my stash.
In my bag, I had brought DVD's of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Why I had this I have no idea.) Major League and Major League 2 (Research for a baseball comedy I was writing) and the first season DVD screener of the Showtime TV show SMILF – about a single mom who dates the wrong guys in Boston. It didn't look very good, but the actress was hot. (I was sent the screener by the Emmy nominating committee, fyi).
I then checked my thumb drive, for Toy Story 3. It was gone. The only thing on it was my latest acting "demo reel."
That night, Dan and I went downstairs to Deck One to see if we could get our hands on anything… a sip of wine, a beer… something to take away the endless jet lag and long nights of rehearsal.
Lochlin vouched for us – and the DVD's were thrown on a table. About nine guys came and glanced at them, seeing if any of these films seemed appealing. Sadly, nobody was interested in Benjamin Button or the Major League movies.
"The Benjamin Button movie is too sad and we all fookin hate bahseball," Lochlin informed me.
SMILF however, had some people intrigued. They wanted to know if the girl got naked, had any sex scenes, if it was funny, etc. I told them I wasn't sure because I hadn't watched it yet, but a small bidding war began.
My SMILF DVD's started a crew-wide bidding war
One guy offered up a German porn magazine and two Heinekens. A Croatian guy said he had two packs of cigarettes and homemade Rakia – some type of homemade alcohol. Finally, Lochlin offered me a bottle of Bordeaux he had paid a Phillipino busboy 5 euros to smuggle on.
Lochlin took me to the bowels of the ship. These were the DiCaprio cabins from Titanic and the party going on down there was exactly what you think it would be. A guy was DJ-ing off a laptop, people were dancing and drinking… and there was even a guy giving makeshift haircuts using what I would refer to as my "pube clippers."
10 Euros got you a trim.
In Lochlin's room, he showed me how he and four other guys slept in the same room and shared a "Shoilet" – which is a combination of a shower and a toilet. I looked in the bathroom and nearly had a panic attack. These guys were living like pirates in the 1700's but without barrels of rum, wenches and chests of gold.
He also told me the ship's morgue was only two doors down the hall.
"The morgue?" I cringed. "For what?"
"About ten fuckers a year die on this ship," he said. "Someone will prahbably die before we set sail tomorrow."
Jesus Christ.
I urgently prodded Lochlin to produce the wine and I swiftly stuck it in my bag. I also noticed a couple of other bottles in his room as well. With two more days until Copenhagen, I offered up my thumb drive for another one.
"OK, look my friend – I'm actually an actor – on this drive is a three minute demo reel of a bunch of TV shows and movies I've been in… it aint much, but maybe worth at least a glass of wine?"
"Hmmm, "he said, actually contemplating the trade. "What mowvies have you been in?"
"Uhmm… A couple Disney shows, a Jim Gaffigan movie … I dunno – nothing you've probably ever seen…"
"Fuck that, Ill just take SMILF."
I handed it over to him, and with that, I had my hands on a mediocre bottle of French Bordeaux.
Dan, Mark and I savored every pour of that wine that evening. As we giddily went off to bed, hoping to finally have a decent night's sleep, we passed three contractors casually walking from the top deck somehow holding six beers in their hands.
"Woah, what the fuck?" Dan said. "Where'd you guys get that?"
"At the contractor bar upstairs," the guy said.
What? A contractor bar? We ran up and caught the last five minutes of a ship regulated "pop-up bar" for the workers. It had been here the whole time and nobody had told us. As it turns out, all of the ship contractors were allowed to come to this bar for a two hour drink window… It was like when the caddies are allowed an hour in the swimming pool in Caddyshack.
Beers were $1.00 and a mini bottle of wine was $1.75. Mark bought the entire bar a round for $14.50.
$1.75 for a Mini Bottle of merlot? HELL YEAH.
The following night we were back up with the contractors, who were amazed that a couple of Americans had actually gone down to Deck One and made a wine deal with a Irish guy. One guy from Warsaw informed me that I had been ripped off. He would have given me three bottles of wine for SMILF.
We finally sailed towards Copenhagen and I was reminded of how beautiful the world can be outside of Los Angeles. The contractors left and the passengers got onboard and the drinks flowed and a lot of overweight older couples explored the ship and bought things that nobody in their right mind should ever buy.
At an onboard art auction, I watched two 75-year-old women violently bid on a 72 x 36 painting of a unicorn walking through Times Square… The lucky winner paid $2875 dollars for it.
Meanwhile, the cruise sailed on. We helped establish the flow and structure of the show. After a few days, you start to learn a lot from cruise employees. Most of them are on board for nine months at a time, and many of them are running from some dark, hidden past. It's almost like the porn industry mixed with hotel management… Which often leads to bad decisions.
Sarah explained it further.
"Everybody sleeps together at first," she said. "But then you realize you're gonna have to see them every day for nine months. One night you have sex, the next day you're fighting over the last box of Frosted Flakes in the buffet."
"So I'm guessing you've stopped sailing your boat in company waters?" I joked.
"No way," she said. "I banged a sushi chef last year."
Another thing about cruise employees is that they are obviously extremely removed from current pop culture. At one point, Sarah told me that her favorite film of the past five years was "That amazing Ben Affleck move The Accountant."
"You have to get off this ship," I said.
The final night of the cruise and our show was up and running. I had befriended a bunch of new people and watched the show come together. One of the stage directors actually told me that I'd make a great cruise employee as I enjoyed talking to everybody and having a good time.
"I'm flattered, man – but I gotta get back to my family," I said.
"Oh, you're one of them…" he said with a sense of disappointment.
I had just been "Family Shamed" by a cruise ship employee.
He apologized for the way he reacted and just said he didn't know a lot of people who were married with children. I told him not to worry about it and we wrapped up the show for the night.
He then excused himself and went to the shoilet…
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My wife and I once hired a hippie nanny named Sioux who hid little bags of weed for me around our house. I remember the day we interviewed her – she was about 19, naturally slender with long blonde hair and she was wearing a skirt that looked like it was stitched out of the AIDS quilt… She had on Birkenstocks. She smelled like lavender. She was gorgeous. My first thought was, "I would have totally dated this girl back in college."
I would have totally dated this girl back in college.
When you've been married as long as my wife and I have, the best way to say you think somebody is attractive is to say that you would have dated 'back in college.'
Of course, I told my wife this very fact.
"Well keep your hippie dick in your jorts," she responded.
I laughed. I love my wife. Meanwhile, after a few conversations, I was sold on Sioux to become our nanny for our then five and two-year-old kids… but my wife wasn't so into it.
"I don't know – she seems flighty," she remarked.
"Cmon, what's the worst that can happen?" I asked. "She gets high and eats all of our ice cream?"
My wife agreed, mainly because we had a wedding that Saturday night and our other go-to nannies were already busy.
"If she fucks up, that's on you," she said.
She didn't fuck up. At least that first night. In fact, when we came back from the wedding a little buzzed from the wine, we stayed up late with her and talked about the kids, how hard it was to meet guys in Los Angeles and eventually, she secretly told me that she hid a tiny bag of weed for me underneath the sage candle she had lit to ward off bad spirits on the coffee table. As she left, I thanked her and imagined that if she was my age in 1995, we would have been one of those hippie power couples that I was always jealous of at Phish concerts.
My 1995 hippie dream.
The second time Sioux babysat, I casually came downstairs wearing my old Grateful Dead 1992 Spring Tour shirt. She went ape shit. Told me it was the coolest thing she'd ever seen. I immediately felt like Phil from Modern Family, pretending that I didn't even know I had the shirt on… even though I had been calculating the move since the week before. From the corner of my eye I saw my wife shaking her head while watching my pathetic attempt to connect with Sioux over a t-shirt.
"Nice shirt, babe," she said.
"I guess I'll go get ready," I added before running upstairs to change.
When I came back downstairs, Sioux had prepared some food for the kids (all macrobiotic) and smiled one of those young hippie smiles at me – as if we were college sophomores peaking during a Run Like an Antelope solo. My wife smiled at me. I smiled at my wife. She smiled at Sioux. I kissed my kids. Sioux leaned in and hugged Wendy. They separated. The kids ate. My wife watched me as I leaned in and hugged Sioux. As I did, I stupidly whispered a single word into her ear…
"Candle?"
Sioux smiled. My wife looked confused. I brought myself out of this fantasy hippie love triangle and said, "OK, bath at 7:15 and bed by eight."
My wife and I walked outside to catch our Lyft.
In our ride to the birthday party that night, my wife cleared her throat and calmly asked me exactly what "candle" meant.
I told her.
"Last time she babysat, Sioux left me a part of a joint underneath the candle on the coffee table and I smoked it."
"Oh great, so she's high around our kids?"
"Well, I mean… so what? Sometimes I'm high around our kids."
"This is her last night babysitting," my wife said.
I could understand her frustration. It wasn't because Sioux was this macrame Goddess with rings on her fingers and bells on her shoes… but face it – if your nanny was sneaking joints around your two-year-old daughter, you might think about getting rid of her too.
Still, I argued that we had nothing to worry about and that by the time we returned home, we would be thrilled to find our kids in bed and that maybe we could even split the little bag of weed I was expecting to find underneath the sage candle on our coffee table.
Until we got back around 11:45 p.m.
As it turns out, Sioux had started a bath for the kids upstairs… and forgot that she began running it. She turned on the water and then came downstairs to get the kids and somehow got distracted… By what, nobody knows – food? A text? A documentary on YouTube about the benefits of Dr. Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar? Whatever the case, she suddenly remembered that the bath was on just as drops of water began seeping through our living room ceiling and landing on the floor. The puddle stain on the roof was large and substantial and we knew we were looking at some serious water damage and mold repair.
Sioux was in shambles.
Our ceiling
As she tried to explain how she forgot to turn off the water, we examined the damage and quickly lost the hippie buzz we had all generated earlier. I informed Sioux that we would pay her for her time, but that we fully expected her to be responsible for the damages once we had the roof inspected. She agreed and left, her head hung low, embarrassed and ashamed.
"OK, so she was probably high and forgot about the bath," I said.
"Ya think?"
Stupidly, I checked beneath the candle for some weed.
There was nothing.
The damage came to over 1000 dollars. Sioux was broke and we felt bad charging her, so she offered to babysit for free until she could pay us back. Amazingly in Los Angeles, that's only like, five nights of work…
However, my wife and I chose to not use her again.
The last I saw on Facebook she was living in Oregon with a Spanish guy named Pau.
Lucky bastard… He was living my hippie dream…
Preview an upcoming song from Zach's new album!
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My wife and I received an Air BNB request online two weeks ago… It read as follows:
We're five guys from Germany who don't do drugs. We are excited to visit LA and really enjoy clubs and West Hollywood.
"What do you think, babe?" My wife asked me. "Should we accept their request?"
"I dunno," I responded. "Five guys? Clubs? West Hollywood? Sounds like we're inviting a bunch of Europeans over for a Bacchanalian orgy."
"You're an idiot," she said. "They seem nice AND they said they don't do drugs."
"When you have to tell people you don't do drugs, it means you definitely do drugs."
"I'm approving them. We can always charge them if they mess anything up."
I don't know if I am the only one whose mind works like this, but when I hear that a crew of 25-year-old German dudes want to "go to clubs and enjoy West Hollywood," I immediately think of that scene in Wolf of Wall Street when Jordan Belfort waltzes into his apartment early from a business trip and finds 25 guys sucking each other off on his $50,000 couches.
When you "Air BNB" your house out, you can't help but formulate some concerns. We have rented to people of all sexual orientations and we are not bothered by any of it, however, in the six years that we have been doing this, I still haven't come to terms with the fact that at some point, two strangers from Idaho fucked in our bed the night after they took their kids to Universal Studios.
My wife and I have been Air BNB'ing as long as it has been approved in Los Angeles. We own our house, travel often and don't stress out when a family of four comes to LA and wants to rent our place for the week. We are often out of town during these times and for years most of our vacations have pretty much been paid for.
When we first began doing this, we rented our place to some younger twenty-somethings and their abhorrent treatment of our property became a serious issue. One six-person rock band from Brooklyn decided that our couch cushions would make fine ashtrays. Following another rental, three bachelorettes from Colorado accidentally left two dildos in my 9-year-old son's bedroom.
After that, we decided that our home would be rented to families only.
But then we had the request from the five guys from Germany. Since we were going to be out of town that week and we didn't have any other requests, it seemed like a safe option. Not only that, but the money we would get for the week would sure help us pay some badly overdue bills.
"Fine," I told my wife. "But if our place gets wrecked that's on you."
We traveled to Tucson to visit my mom for a week and asked our dear friend Lauren to help check them in as they arrived. She called us that night with some interesting news.
"They seem sweet," she said. "It's weird though… all of them shave their legs."
"Told ya, they're male escorts," I blurted.
"Shut up… maybe they're like, on a swim team or something," my wife offered.
"Well, they're all in their early to mid 20's," Lauren relayed. "Good looking guys… but they are using one of your potted plants to put their cigarettes out in."
I envisioned this happening in my bathroom
500 miles away, I decided to just let it be. There wasn't much to worry about. I had hidden my guitars in the basement, my vinyl collection was labeled off-limits (A 6-year-old had ruined a treasured Dire Straits LP I had left on the turntable a couple of years earlier) and we had a grand total of $32.16 in cash in the house. My wife's jewelry was locked away in her closet and about the only valuable thing in our home was a shoe San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker had given me about 13 years ago… So what if they shaved their legs and smoked? Outta sight outta mind… We spent the week in Tucson hanging with my mom.
When we got back to our house on Saturday night, we anticipated the place would appear like it always does post Air BNB… Most people do their best to tidy up, take out trash, re-set furniture and clean out their leftovers from the fridge.
Upon entering our house, the first thing I noticed was that the entire place smelled like Axe Body Spray. Like, the entire house. Every room, every hallway, every bathroom… It had a post 9-keg fraternity party eminence to it.
My entire house smelled like this guy
When a toilet paper roll was finished, rather than replace the roll on the dispenser, they managed to just toss the empty cylinder behind the toilet.
We pride our house on our "Kids Art Wall" where we encourage guests to add to the collection. Over the years, dozens of kids have contributed drawings to the wall and it's a fantastic little abstract collection of developing artistic minds across the world.
Needless to say, these guys didn't add anything to the art wall.
They also did not bother to turn off any light in the house.
Nor did they take out the trash… at all. In our backyard, stuffed in about 25 paper grocery bags, resided the ruins of their week… hundreds of beer bottles, countless empty boxes of cigarettes, discarded Red Bull cans and bottles of Starbucks Double Shot Cappuccinos. There were over a dozen empty pizza boxes from three different delivery joints nearby and nine discarded Jack Daniel's bottles… Not to mention the new cigarette butt succulent plant they had crafted. Maybe they didn't do drugs, but these guys fucking partied.
Birds-Eye View of our new planter
According to my calculations… and to the grocery store receipts I found in one of the random trash bags, these guys lived on beer, cigarettes, pizza, energy drinks and coffee for five days. That was it. There was NO sign anywhere that a single meal other than pizza had been consumed. There was, however, one ominous item listed on a grocery store receipt from Thursday: MAYONNAISE.
"What do you think they bought mayonnaise for?" I yelled to my wife across the house.
"Uggh, there are shaved pubes in the sink!" she responded.
As I went around the house opening every window to air it out, I could only imagine what kind of debauchery these Euro-bros got into in our house. Was there any freaky sex? Any late night drug use? Did they jack-off in every room? After finding a piece of pizza jammed in our pool filter, my wife panicked, called our cleaning lady and told her she would have to work a double shift the next day. After finding an empty carton of cigarettes that said "Smoking Kills" on the floor of my daughter's room, we decided to sleep on the floor in the one room where we do not allow renters to use rather than in our own beds.
My daughter's room. Morning.
The next morning, the Axe Body Spray scent was still lingering. We had taken out the trash and emptied the fridge, but our cleaning lady had the hardest job. When she was done for the day, she mentioned that these five guys had managed to use 32 bath towels during their five day stay. 32 fucking towels. When I was 25-years-old, I owned ONE bath towel that I washed like every six weeks! Who the fuck did these guys think they were?
I decided that a quick internet search on these guys might alleviate my concerns. The kid who had booked the place and had been responsible for the payment was listed as simply a "coach" in Munich. Not sure what kind… Soccer coach? Life coach? Sober coach? (Doubtful). Whatever the case, I checked out his Twitter account and he had recently tweeted about his upcoming trip to the United States. It read as follows:
Me and the boys are going to Hollywood to parteeeey with movie stars! Then VEGAS BABY VEGAS! What happens in Vegas STAYS in VEGAS!!!
After realizing that this guy was still quoting Vince Vaughn from Swingers, a 20-year-old film, I felt a small bond with him. He had probably tried to find a decent place in LA to rent, but was met with rejection after rejection by worried homeowners like myself. He was 25 and just looking to party with movie stars and now he was apparently in Las Vegas, most likely contracting that new un-treatable strain of gonorrhea I keep seeing on billboards all over town.
Drug-Resistant Gonorrhea is here!
After a few days, the house felt like home again and my son and daughter fell into their summer routines of Fortnite, swimming and staying up until 11. I thought of this strange world we were subjecting them to… After all, not many kids are forced to leave their houses for Air BNB renters every few weeks. Still, maybe the constant travel and new experiences will teach them more about the world and someday they'll thank us for forcing them into the car for 8-hour road trips to Arizona… Maybe someday my son and his good friends will go desecrate a family's house in Germany with their own beer bottles, cigarettes and sink pubes. If anything, these are experiences that not every kid gets to have.
I put my kids to bed and brushed my teeth. My wife and I agreed to watch a new Netflix show and I drank some water. Happy to be back in my bed, I finally felt relaxed for the first time in a week…
And then I found a used condom in the drawer of my bedside table…
ZACH SELWYN'S HOUSE IS CURRENTLY AVAILABLE ON AIR BNB… FOR RESPECTABLE FAMILIES ONLY.
Watch Zach interview BOB DYLAN!
air BNB bukowski cigarettes david sedaris essay gonzo journalism humor hunter s. thompson short story tom wolfe Zach Selwyn
America's Secret Slang
Zachariah & The Lobos Riders
WHERE'S ZACH ON TOUR!?
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Tag: Comedy Central
Horny Moms, Sleeping in Cars and Deflated Aerobeds: A Middle Aged Man's Live Music Tour Diary. By Zach Selwyn
by zachselwyn
· Comedy · Hero · Homepage · The Writer · Uncategorized · Zachariah & The Lobos Riders
It was around 2:15 in the morning when a hammered single mom of three kids with a very visible C-section scar approached me following my music gig at a place called Peri's in Marin County, California.
"Hiiii Mr. Talented…" She slurred. "I live two blocks away and my kids are prolly asleep – D-ya wanna come have a drink and smoke and hang ouuuuut?"
I looked this woman over. She was about 40, had a swollen and (possibly) fractured purple ankle and was heavily puffing on an e-cigarette…. From behind, half of her dress had hiked up and lodged itself in her butt, revealing a horrifying leg tattoo of a dragonfly that started mid-thigh and ended probably just above her Va-jayjay.
She also had one dreadlock.
"Uhhh… Well, the thing is…" I stumbled. "I'm married – sooo I don't think it would be a good idea, ya know?"
"Fuck you! You're an asshole for leading me on!" she snapped.
Wait, what? Leading her on? How was I leading her on?
A few seconds later, it hit me… When I was performing on stage a few minutes earlier, I recalled saying:
"Who's the hottie in the back/Nice body, nice rack/
Meet me outside in five – My name is Zach."
Look. If you have ever seen me or my band perform live, I often jokingly flirt with girls in the crowd with improvisational freestyle rap lyrics from the stage… This, however, was one of those rare moments when the girl actually stuck around and thought I was serious… I felt terrible. (Here's a sample of a freestyle from NYC in 2017)
"Sorry, it was a joke, – like a part of the show??!??!?" I tried to explain to her.
She threw a drink at me, turned around and stopped at the door to say good-bye.
"Your music fucking sucks anyway," she screamed.
By the way? I never made it home that night. Since I was too drunk to drive, the bartender let me sleep in the back seat of my Prius in the bar's parking lot…
Did I mention it was a Tuesday?
What the fuck am I doing?
I am 44-years-old. I have two kids and a wife. Most men my age are in bed by 8:30 every night, binge-watching Netflix and thinking about some meeting they have at work the next day with Nancy from H.R.
Not many dudes I know are living like me this summer… touring bars in their mid-40's trying to sell 20-something kids t-shirts and CD's of their country hip-hop band that – in most people's eyes – peaked when they opened for Jason Mraz in 2008…
For the record? On this tour I sold ZERO CD's.
But let's go back a few years…
In the 2000's, every bar I played in was always PACKED. Friends, fans and industry folks lined up outside awaiting new songs – or a 10-minute freestyle rap where I might drop their names into a verse… They bought CD's and shirts and sang along and I would walk out of the bar with $400 and a thousand business cards… My band played across the country and stayed in fine hotels, sipping top shelf whiskey and partying with rock stars…
But, then came adulthood. People had kids and a lot of my musician friends got real jobs. Some band members moved out of town… Most guys gave up or got into real estate. Even I took a break from it for a while to be around the family and work in the TV business. However, the thrill of performing live was always missing…
So, this past summer I decided that a 9-venue mini music tour of Northern California would be the best thing for my mind, body and soul.
Tour posters from the road…
As the days rolled on, I sort of forgot about the ways of the road… Late nights, uncomfortable beds… bad habits reintroducing themselves… When you're out driving down I-5 at 9:30 at night – a restaurant like Subway suddenly becomes a solid option. The Yellow American Spirit cigarette suddenly becomes "healthy" decision… Not to mention that most bars where I play like to avoid paying musicians – and instead – offer up FREE DRINKS instead – which ultimately leads to me drinking $4.99 mini bottles of Sutter Home Cabernet – guaranteeing a foggy and painful morning.
Oh, and most bartenders who hear me ask for "the best red wine in the bar" often think I'm joking and laugh in my face.
In all honesty, I quit drinking hard liquor ten years ago…. Waking up in a Super 8 Motel with two lines shaved into your eyebrows like D'Angelo Russell will do that to anybody…
But that's a whole 'nother story…
The "Zachariah: Backyard and Wineries" tour began in San Francisco, at a private party where some tech geniuses of the world dug my music and my improv songs about how expensive the city had become… The host had somehow procured 25-plus bottles of the legendary Pliny the Elder beer from Santa Rosa and he was extremely generous with his liquor cabinet. However, as people got more sloshed, a supremely drunk friend of theirs named Kelly demanded I sing Shallow by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.
"Are you gonna sing it with me?" I asked her.
"Fuck YESSS!" She screamed as the party encouraged her.
A few chords later and she was warbling through the "Wooooaaaah – ohhh – h ohhh ohh ohh oh AWWOWOHHHWHWHWH" section of the song. Let's just say she didn't nail it, but it didn't matter. The vibe and energy was fantastic and I assumed every gig would end up this beautiful and natural.
But the next night I drove up to gig at Peri's Bar in Marin County. It was certainly a success, but I was definitely under-paid and over-served awful tiny bottles of Sutter Home… (Thus the reason why I slept in a parking lot).
When I woke up in the back seat of my 2008 Prius at six the next morning, having sweat through my clothes on stage the night before, I decided that a shower was indeed in order. I quickly Googled "YMCA Marin County" on my phone and found one 10 miles away where my Hollywood "Family Membership" would let me use their facilities. This is also a practice that HOMELESS people participate in.
I ended up spending 45 minutes in the sauna listening to two men talk about their new tech venture that would "change the dumpling game forever." After they noticed me listening in, they began whispering and eventually left the sauna altogether, protecting their billion dollar dumpling idea.
A billion dollar dumpling idea? What I derived from this moment was that I am definitely in the wrong business…
That night, I performed at the Lagunitas Tap Room in Petaluma. The venue was amazing and they even offered up cash ($80) for the gig. Plus, per usual, they served me all the beer I could drink. Initially I had planned on having one or two beers because I had to drive to meet my wife and kids up north in Cloverdale once the night ended…
However, after my show, I quickly found myself 8 beers in. Since my head was spinning, I asked my new friend Pete (who booked me there) if he had a better idea than drunk driving to Cloverdale.
"Yeah brother… my buddy Andy has an Airstream in a forest that he rents out – it's $45 for the night," he said.
"Uhh… like, HOW in a forest?" I inquired.
"It's desolate, man… super chill and quiet and you won't hear anybody's voice for like, 9 hours straight!" Pete replied.
OK. Look. I enjoy nature. I love converted Airstream trailers. But 9 hours alone in one in nature? Yo, I'm not trying to live that Into the Wild life… I am a social person. I need conversation. Shit, I need some WiFi, ya know?
"I don't know Pete," I explained. "I sorta need a bed – I slept in my car last night."
"They have a killer Aerobed," Pete said. "I've slept there sooo many times, you'll love it – I'll even drop you off!"
And with that, Pete took me to a beautiful house with 40 acres of land in the woods, where we knocked on the door and met Pete's buddy Andy who was extremely tired and reluctantly thrust the trailer keys into my hand. He also passed me a Romancing the Stone-like treasure map explaining how to find the forest Airstream… Pete left and I slugged through the dark forest, absolutely fearing for every second of my life, before coming across what was a beautiful 1950-something converted Airstream "Cabin."
This was terrifying.
I unlocked the door and went inside. It was about as rustic as you could expect.
There was an Aerobed with a blanket on it…
On the wall hung a calendar from the year 2013…
And there was a shovel in the corner next to a roll of toilet paper beneath a sign that said, "Use Nature's Facilities."
Holy shit. What? So no bathroom? Was I gonna have to re-learn the "One-armed tree hang" I had been taught at summer camp as a kid?
I decided to just crash and wake up as early as possible to split.
30 minutes after I went to sleep, I woke up on the floor. The Aerobed had deflated. It was about 45 degrees in the trailer. With no visible air pump nearby, I turned the deflated Aerobed into a pillow and did my best to sleep for the next six hours.
A couple of hours later I woke up to the sound of what must have been two bears humping in the woods… I also swear a mysterious light flashed across the sky and for two hours I panicked about being abducted by aliens and anally probed above the Redwoods. Eventually, around 6:30, I awoke with a stiff neck and took a $20 taxi back to my car at Lagunitas.
Up in Cloverdale I met my family and began thinking that perhaps, the road life was no longer for me… I took the family to the local trampoline park and hit up some small town burger place and I was amazed at how comfortable the safe and respectable family life felt again… For a minute, I almost cancelled my final three gigs…
But, since I can rarely turn down a chance to perform, I decided to carry through on my commitments.
As I was playing the night at an all ages restaurant, the local town drunk "Banjo Bob" (yes, his real name) taught my 13-year-old son how to best hold a pool cue if he was ever to get into a bar fight.
(His advice? Hit the guy with the skinny end, that way if it breaks off – you're left with the more dangerous thick end of the stick as a weapon.)
To quote my late grandmother: "That's wonderful?"
The following night, I played at a pretty cool bar in Healdsburg where I ate pizza that a guy had made from an oven that he dragged behind his bicycle… I know what you're thinking: Bike Pizza? Trust me – It was absolutely delicious.
On the last night, we drove down to San Francisco and the tour ended at a bar in the Marina called Jaxson for a friend's fundraiser party in the city – where, as I was playing live, a man and woman dry-humped each other on the dance floor in front of me…
Now look, I'm all for dancing, but this was kind of ridiculous… I actually didn't care. They were wasted and they loved my music and I felt at home for a few minutes with the young Marina area crowd of San Francisco…
Here – watch the video and make your own assumptions:
For the record? That girl dancing did not ask me to come back to her place after the gig.
But the guy did…
"Hi Mr. Talented," He said… "Wanna come party with me at my place?"
"I'd love to, but, the thing is… I'm married," I said.
I woke up the next morning in the back seat of my Prius…
ZACH IS NOW BOOKING VENUES FOR HIS SUMMER 2020 TOUR!!
Red Fuckin Wine – New single coming SOON!
www.ZachSelwyn.com
Zach's Web Series "The Reportist" Returns! His Target? INTERNET PORN!
· Comedy · Film/TV · Hero · Homepage · Sketch Comedy · Television · TV Shows · Uncategorized
Watch Zach's new TBS Music Video: "Dong on the Whiteboard!"
· Comedy · Comedy Music News · Hero · Homepage · Sketch Comedy
Watch "The Worst Ideas in Mafia History" starring John Walsh
· Comedy · Sketch Comedy
We lost a terrific man this week. Here he is saying more with no dialogue than most actors can say with Shakesperean prose. – RIP to John Walsh… aka "Jimmy the Taint." (Originally aired on G4 "Attack of the Show" in 2007)
Zach releases EP of Comedy Central / Film songs from 2009-2011
· Comedy Music News
Zach is finally releasing a collection of songs never available to the public before via itunes! Most of these songs are from the SELWYN BROTHERS series of videos done for Comedy Central from 2009-2011 – but also included is "Im in Edukashun" from the film "Lower Learning…" Check it out!
CLICK HERE TO BUY CHICK DRINKS
TRACK LINEUP
1. Im in Edukashun
2. Chick Drinks
3. Hello, Beautiful Homeless Girl
4. Recession
5. Porky Piggin' It (Featuring Eli Braden)
6. Imagine a World
7. Whole Foods Song
8. Tonto Gets All the Chicks
Watch! New Selwyn Bros. SKETCH – "BABY UBER"
· Sketch Comedy
Directed and Edited by Jesse Selwyn
Written by and Starring Zach Selwyn
Produced by Selwyn Brothers
http://www.cutawaycreative.com
with Amy Redford, Matt August, Opal, Wendy Selwyn, Southerly Selwyn, Aria August and Tiara
Watch Selwyn Brothers video "Chick Drinks"
· Comedy Music News · comedy, music, lyrics, jay-Z, beyonce, blue ivy
Purple hooters, watermelon shooters…
Directed ad Edited by Jesse Selwyn
Written and performed by Zach Selwyn
song produced by Dan Wistrom
Come see Zach live at the Irvine Improv all Weekend with JOHN HENSON!
Zach is joining Wipeout host/comedian JOHN HENSON all weekend at the Irvine Improv for 4 nights of insanely funny comedy. Also on the bill are the very funny HALLI BORGFJORD http://halliborgfjord.com/
and ROB O'REILLY http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2688418/
September 6,7,8,9 -Irvine Improv with JOHN HENSON and FRIENDS (The TV HOSTS of Comedy!)
Please CLICK HERE to buy tickets!!!!!
See Irvine Improv website for more information. 6 SHOWS!!!
Watch Zach and Jon Reep's new video: MOO'VES LIKE HAGGARD
· Uncategorized
Download Song here!
Recorded in Nashville, TN. March 2012 – starring Jon Reep, Zach Selwyn and Brian Kiley. Song produced by Toby Semain. Directed by Z.S. Edited by Jesse Selwyn
Zach's KIRK CAMERON vs. CHARLES DARWIN song w/ TIM LEE!
<div style="background-color:#000000;width:520px;"><div style="padding:4px;">http://media.mtvnservices.com/embed/mgid:arc:video:comedycentral.com:d0a56927-aa5d-44b6-879f-217e61524419<p style="text-align:left;background-color:#FFFFFF;padding:4px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:12px;">Get More: <a href='http://www.comedycentral.com/cc-studios'>CC Studios</a>,<a href='http://www.comedycentral.com/cc-studios/animation'>Animation</a>,<a href='http://www.comedycentral.com/cc-studios/web-series'>Web Series</a></p></div></div>
The debate continues with this epic rap battle between Creationist KIRK CAMERON and Evolution theorist CHARLES DARWIN
song and music by Zach Selwyn, Tim Lee and Toby Semain


Historically provocative documentary about a Salt Lake City girl's efforts to form a gay high school club, tied to the venerable tradition of homosexual repression in the United States.
Ultimately uplifting and highly valuable as a document of struggle for gay acceptance.
There are no featured reviews for Out of the Past at this time.


Thank you for checking out our private practice coaching tab on our website! We are glad that you did!
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With this package, you get 4 one-hour calls or face to face meetings per month with one of our leaders within our practice. The calls are provided either over the phone or using video-conferencing technology. We prefer using video-conferencing to help us make a better connection with those we coach.


I took this shot on a really bright day and the light was very harsh, thats why the clouds are a little blown. I did try and remedy the situation usinga shadows/highlights adjustment layer.
Any comments on my efforts would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks for your editing Bahadir, and also for your comments. I am new to PS so will have a play with the burn tool and see what i can come up with. I will post the re-edit!.
Other things you could try: making a graduated selection of the sky area and then applying a levels or shadows/highlights change to the sky alone. Or selectively increasing saturation in the red/green channels only to bring out the flowers.
Hi guys, thanks for all your helpful comments.
Bahadir and John, your tips regarding PS were invaluable and proved really insightfull. I have taken on board your suggestions and made my final edit of the image, please let me know what you think!
I think you achieved this by selecting the flower field with lasso tool to enhance, which is observable in the trunks of the trees split into two tones to the bottom and, inevitably, which results in the trees at the background and the top of the treesat the the foregroundremain somewhat pale . I think you should have selected them too. The blue ares between the branches of the trees won't be as difficult as it seems when you zoom in while editing Keep up the good work, Longside!
Bahadir, you are too observant! Absolutely correct with my method of improving the flowers. I would have tried to incorporate the trees's too, but i can feel a headache coming on when trying to sort out the sky amidst the branches.
I may practice my PS skills by possible desaturating the image and adjusting the colours to be able to capture just the trees....or i may just zoom in and darken the pale segment of the trunk. The latter sounds tempting!
Gisli, thankyou for your kind comments.


text:
Sherlock: The Blind Banker Review
SHERLOCK: THE BLIND BANKER
Sherlock Is Tong-Tied...
After some time I have decided to watch as many Sherlock episodes as time will allow before Season Three of the cult show premieres. I think I am right in calling Sherlock a 'cult show', not because it is obscure. Far from it: Sherlock is WILDLY popular. Sherlock is a cult show because its fans, Sherlockians, are so fanatical as to be unhinged. The CBS Sherlock Holmes-centered series Elementary is seen by the Sherlockians to be downright Satanic (I'm honestly surprised the Sherlockians haven't gotten together in some Comic-Con and made voodoo dolls out of Lucy Liu and Jonny Lee Miller, let alone Elementary creator Robert Doherty, who in their minds cannot touch the shadow of 'genius' Steven Moffat).
That Sherlock fans and Elementary fans are engaging in some sort of online nerd war doesn't bother me all that much. Sherlockians thinking that Benedict Cumberbatch is THE Sherlock Holmes, the ONLY Sherlock Holmes (and their fierce dismissal of Basil Rathbone or Jeremy Brett as being somehow inferior to Benny) DOES bother me tremendously, so much so that it's the fanbase itself rather than the show that has made me highly reluctant to watch Sherlock.
People who insist Sherlock is somehow the Citizen Kane of all Sherlock Holmes adaptations: past, present, and future, and that there was no Sherlock Holmes prior to A Study in Pink and there will be no Sherlock Holmes after Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman's John Watson (or as I lovingly call them, Benny & Marty) end their run should be publicly horsewhipped.
Nevertheless, it is unfair to dismiss a whole program because a group of devotees make Al-Qaeda look like the Rotary Club. I am letting my disdain for these nutters get in the way of what could be and what I am told by rational people (those who don't dream of when the TARDIS will land in front of 221 B Baker Street) is a good show. With that, I return to the second episode of Sherlock's first season. The Blind Banker has good ideas within it, but somehow I am surprised at how dumb Sherlock Holmes is in it. I'm not saying that Sherlock Holmes is stupid. I am saying that at least twice I figured things out faster than HE did, and from I know of The Great Detective that isn't suppose to happen.
Holmes is asked to inquire on a case by a former university classmate Sebastian Wilkes (Bertie Carvel) where someone broke into the former head's office and left odd graffiti on the walls and leaving a paint slash across the painting's eyes (hence, The Blind Banker). While Holmes has no interest in taking payment, Watson (financially strapped) is more than willing to take the check in Holmes' name. When Holmes works out that the symbols were a message of some kind for a particular employee, said employee, Edward Van Coon (Dan Percival) is found dead in his apartment.
A suicide, both Watson and Detective Inspector Dimmock (Paul Chequer) hold. Nonsense, says Holmes. It was murder, painfully obvious too. Van Coon was left handed, so he couldn't have shot himself from the right side. Now, the question is, who killed him and why? We then come across another strange death, that of journalist Brian Lukis (Howard Coggins) is also killed, and with a library book as a clue, we find similar strange writings in the library.
How are they connected? Well, to coin a phrase, 'ancient Chinese secret'.
No Sino Bigotry Here
It takes a bit before a secondary story is tied into The Blind Banker, that of Soo Lin Yao (Gemma Chan), an expert on ancient Chinese tea sets. Her co-worker Andy (Al Weaver) fancies our lovely Asian lass, but she kindly declines his offer of coffee (seriously, being Chinese he should have said tea). It's not just because she may not like the likable Andy. It's because she recognizes the markings.
Sherlock gets advise from his 'art expert' (a graffiti artist) and eventually connections are made. The two victims are connected by their constant travels to China and visits to a particular shop, where the markings are discovered to be Hang Zhou numerals, which can also be translated to particular symbols. Holmes finds a connection to antiquities smuggling and the Tong of The Black Lotus, and its nefarious head, General Zhi Zhu (sadly, not the Brazilian children's television host Xuxa). Holmes also finds Soo Lin is in danger, but despite this a figure still manages to care for ancient Chinese teapots.
Eventually, this story is tied into Watson's love life. Watson, in need of cash and some stability, begins working in a clinic, but these late nights investigating force him to nap at the office. The office manager Sarah (Zoe Telford) steps in, and the good doctor and good manager fancy each other, so Sarah agrees to go on a date with John. This peeves Holmes only in that it interrupts their work, but fortunately, Holmes has found a brilliant way to mix everything: he suggests Watson take Sarah to a Chinese circus, where John discovers that the reservations are for three, under the name Holmes.
The Blind Banker wraps with Sarah and Watson (who through a series of misunderstandings, been confused for Sherlock Holmes) taken by General Xuxa...I mean, Zhi Zhu, and the object of the murders, an ancient Chinese Hairpin, eventually recovered from the unwitting owner, one of the two victim's mistress. Our Dragon Lady, having failed in her mission, is bumped off on orders by a mysterious "M".
Jealous? Whatever gave you that idea?
I am trying to not let the fact that Steve Thompson, The Blind Banker's screenwriter, has written two of my Eleven Worst Doctor Who stories so far (Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS and The Curse of the Black Spot at Numbers 9 and 3 respectively)* influence what I think of The Blind Banker. I, however, did find things that I found odd and distasteful, but I'll get to those in a moment. For now, let's focus on the positive.
The interplay between the two main leads and Telford's Sarah is sparkling. Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch make these two figures appear genuine and more importantly, friends, if not ones that would really express it as such. Holmes doesn't leave Watson out of things as much (Holmes' attack in Soo Ling's flat an exception). Even in this we see that connection between these two is one that can be at times frustrating. Freeman's angry rebuke of Holmes while the latter is being strangled isn't as funny as the screenplay thinks it is, but it does show Freeman's Watson to be someone who can stand up to Sherlock.
Similarly, the relationship between John and Sarah is pleasant, almost endearing. Even the normally remote Sherlock Holmes is allowed a moment of unwitting levity. When Watson tells Holmes he has plans and thus cannot help him that night, Holmes is confused. A date? In a somewhat sarcastic manner John explains to Sherlock what a date is.
"Where two people who like each other go out and have fun."
An incredulous, almost hurt Holmes replies, "That's what I was suggesting," to which Watson says, "No it wasn't. At least, I hope not."
In this little exchange, we see that the relationship between Holmes and Watson has developed to where Holmes admits that he likes Watson (and given how remote Holmes can be, haughty with everyone, this is a subtle and extraordinary admission).
I also enjoyed how Thompson managed to tie in a series of random events into a logical conclusion that the tong reached that Watson is Holmes. It is almost as if the tong were using the same methods Holmes would have used only to arrive at a totally erroneous conclusion. I was even pleased by Freeman's comic foil, him constantly getting in odd situations due to Sherlock's behavior.
I'm prettier than Brett or Rathbone...
However, sometimes I think there was simply too much effort to make Martin Freeman into someone closer to a Nigel Bruce, the bumbling dimwit who isn't quite there. Freeman's Watson isn't nearly as dim as Bruce's Watson, but the opening where Watson ends up arguing with a check-out machine is a bit cringe-inducing, especially when it is intercut with Holmes fighting off an assassin simultaneously only for Watson to arrive at 221 B unaware of what had been going on (the puns weren't helpful in that aspect either). Later on, when Watson is being tortured, there is a mention of the Empress Hairpin, but when Holmes brings up this Empress Hairpin, Watson behaves as if he's never heard of it. This is highly odd given that General Zhi Zhu had mentioned it a few hours earlier.
One thing that I really did not care for in The Blind Banker was in how I figured things out faster than Sherlock Holmes. Granted, I had more information (the subplot of Soo Lin) but even when watching the scene at Van Coon's flat I thought the only logical explanation was not as Detective Inspector Dimmock put it, Spider-Man commit the crime, but that it had to be someone quite agile who could climb. When we got the connection to the Black Lotus Tong, I thought the only way they could travel incognito was via a Chinese Circus (which would give them an agile acrobat).
Why Holmes didn't come that conclusion sooner surprises me.
Also, if Soo Lin was in such danger, why would a.) Holmes and Watson leave her unguarded, and b.) not bother to take any weapons to which to protect themselves? How did no one notes the graffiti on the sculpture in the Antiquities Museum?
For my next trick,
I'll make Tibet disappear.
Even that was not as appalling as the 'yellow menace' The Blind Banker indulges in that went out with Fu Manchu. We see only two types of Asian women: the victim who was forced into prostitution (Soo Lin) and the Dragon Lady (Zhi Zhu). Even the tong's name, Black Lotus, smacks more of something out of a Charlie Chan movie than something from the 'progressive' Twenty-First Century. Throwing in this idea that Soo Lin's brother was this acrobatic assassin made things to me even sillier. I don't think the people involved with The Blind Banker are bigots, but one would have hoped that perhaps we could have seen Soo Lin be less victim and more victor.
Still, in a rare turn it is Sarah who gives Sherlock a vital insight, and in another rare turn the lightness between Sarah and John made their budding relationship sparkle. Even poor Molly Hooper (Louise Brealey), the morgue worker who fancies Sherlock, gets a moment of humor though with Sherlock still oblivious. I did enjoy some of the humor (like Watson so knocked out he literally sleeps on the job), though some (Watson arguing with that check-out machine) didn't work.
As a side note, Watson's hope that Sherlock wasn't suggestion a 'date' as Watson understood it is a bit bigoted on his side, not to mention it continues Sherlock's odd habit of wanting to suggest there is something more to Holmes and Watson other than work relations. Despite Elementary having a female Watson, there is less sexual suggestion on that show than there is in Sherlock with its two male leads. It's almost as if Sherlock wants to both elevate the idea of sex between Holmes and Watson and ridicule the idea of two men having sex at all simultaneously. I sense a little homophobia in all this, but in the traditional sense of the definition of 'fear of homosexuals/homosexuality'. Somehow, the idea that two men could enjoy each other's company and even be close without it either leading or suggesting anything sexual is unknown to Sherlock.
The Blind Banker was a bit of a letdown after the much better A Study in Pink, but not terrible. There were good moments of humor, a plot that mostly held up, and a continued great teamwork between Cumberbatch and Freeman. With one more episode before finishing Season One, I still find little in Sherlock to suggest I will become either a Sherlockian or a Cumberbitch.
Always Two: A Master and an Apprentice.
* Sherlock's co-creator Steven Moffat has two stories on that list: The Snowmen and River's Secret Parts I & II (A Good Man Goes to War/Let's Kill Hitler) at Numbers 7 & 6, and Sherlock's other co-creator Mark Gatiss has one: Cold War at Number 5. Gatiss, however, also has The Unquiet Dead, which I voted the Tenth Best Doctor Who Story reviewed so far.
Next Sherlock Story: The Great Game
James the Reviewer January 3, 2014 at 5:14 AM
While I do believe this Sherlock is superior to Elementary, I do not hate Elementary at all actually. I suppose I am not in the "Sherlockian cult" by your definition since I enjoy Jeremy Brett's excellent adaption of the character.
Because it has been around three years since I watched the Blind Banker, I do remember it being a weak episode, but I can't comment on the actual plot.
Rick January 3, 2014 at 6:42 PM
I think Brett is the best Sherlock Holmes, topping Cumberbatch and Miller. I respect all the actors, but James, the Sherlock fanbase is what drives me crazy. They insist no one other than Benny can be Sherlock, and they either don't know or dismiss Brett or Rathbone or anyone prior to Cumberbatch. THAT, I cannot bear.
I think I can like Sherlock more if we toned down the rabid fanbase. It's not like Moffat/Gatiss created Sherlock Holmes, but sometimes they behave as if they did. My views are based on talking to Sherlockians, and once I finish Sherlock and Elementary, prepare for the Ultimate Comparison!
James the Reviewer January 4, 2014 at 3:58 PM
Brett is an excellent Sherlock, and even though Cumberbatch is my personal favorite, Brett is significantly underrated and easily my second favorite actor to play Sherlock.
I do not believe I have encountered the type of Sherlock fan you describe. Most, if not all, of the Sherlock fans I know personally were fans of the original stories and Rathbone before watching Cumberbatch and he is their favorite.
Your dislike of the fanbase is similar to the one I have with the "Nolanites" that believe anything and everything Nolan spits on is sacred and beyond perfection, so I can relate to that. It took me several years and about five rewatchings of The Dark Knight to actually like the movie because of the rabid fanbase.
I look forward to your Elementary vs. Sherlock comparison! I have been working on something similar myself for quite some time now where I compare RDJ, Cumberbatch, Rathbone, Millier, and Brett's versions of the character.
If you hit the Sherlock Holmes tag you'll find other thoughts on other aspects of Holmes, like my thoughts on my Best Holmes and Watson Poll winners.
If you ever go to London, I HIGHLY recommend going to 221 B Baker Street. I spent many happy hours (and pounds) there. This was before Sherlock premiered, so it was dominated by Rathbone and Brett (I don't remember Downey, Jr. featured). Maybe now there's room for Benny and Jonny.
As for the fans, it's bad when fans push others away. I LOVE Sherlock Holmes, and contrary to any impression I might have left I like Sherlock. The show's good, but some fans. I also understand the Nolanites...when I made a crack about the Joker some went off on me.
Ah, we just try to enjoy something and hopefully not let the crazies get in the way.
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What is Marta Kauffman Net Worth 2023: Overview, Interview
Marta Kauffman is an American film and television writer, producer and philanthropist. She is best known for being one of the creators of the highly successful comedy series "Friends" (1994-2004). Marta is an inspiration for entrepreneurs and her journey of success has seen her earn a hefty net worth in the process.
This article from Fidlar will give you an overview of Marta Kauffman net worth in 2023, as well as insights from an exclusive interview with her.
What is Marta Kauffman's Net Worth and Salary 2023?
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Marta Kauffman is an American television writer and producer who has a net worth of $400 million. Kauffman is best known for co-creating the classic NBC sitcom Friends alongside David Crane. She also created the Netflix series Grace and Frankie, which stars Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin.
Marta Fran Kauffman, born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, on September 21st, 1956, grew up in a Jewish household with her mother, Dorothy and father, Herman.
She later changed her name to Marta Kauffman, the name she is now renowned for.
After graduating from Marple Newtown High School, where she showcased her acting talents and directed a 1974 production of "Our Town," Marta Kauffman went on to further her theatrical studies at Brandeis University, where she earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in Theater in 1978 and was also a member of Sigma Delta Tau sorority.
In 1987, Marta earned her first writing credit on the CBS sitcom "Everything's Relative," and three years later, she co-created the beloved show "Dream On" that aired 120 episodes over six seasons.
She also wrote for the CBS series "Sunday Dinner" in 1991 and, together with Kauffman and Crane, co-created the NBC comedy "The Powers That Be," which ran from 1992 to 1993.
Marta and her partner co-developed the 1993 sitcom "Family Album", and in 1994, Marta crafted the script and held the associate producer role on the TV movie "Couples".
Marta Kauffman is an American television writer, producer and director who has had a long and successful career in the entertainment industry. She is best known for co-creating the popular sitcom Friends with David Crane.
After graduating from Brandeis University, she began her career as a comedy writer, working on shows such as Growing Pains, Dream On, and The Powers That Be.
She then co-created the hit series Veronica's Closet with David Crane and later created the long-running NBC comedy series Friends. The show ran for 10 seasons and was a massive success, garnering numerous Emmy Awards and Golden Globe nominations.
In addition to her work on Friends, Marta Kauffman has gone on to create and produce several other successful television series, including Dream On and Veronica's Closet.
She was also the executive producer of the television series Cybill, starring Cybill Shepherd. In recent years, she has been involved in creating and producing the Netflix series Grace and Frankie, which stars Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin.
Marta Kauffman is a highly respected and accomplished figure in the entertainment industry and has been nominated for numerous awards throughout her career, including 16 Emmy Award nominations and 11 Writers Guild of America Award nominations.
In November 1984, Marta and Michael Skloff tied the knot, and little did they know that Michael would later become famous for composing the beloved theme song of the hit show, "Friends." After many years of blissful marriage, they were blessed with three children: daughters Hannah and Rose and son Sam.
Sadly, after more than three decades together, they ended their marriage in 2015. Marta, a staunch Democrat, opened the doors of her home in 2013 to host a Democratic National Committee fundraiser with a reception and a rare opportunity for attendees to snap a photo with President Barack Obama.
Kauffman has amassed an impressive tally of Emmy and CableACE Award nominations throughout her career, having been nominated seven times for a Primetime Emmy, six of which were for Outstanding Comedy Series for her beloved show "Friends" (which she won in 2002), and one for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Writing in a Comedy Series for "Dream On."
To top it off, she also won two CableACE Awards for "Dream On": Comedy Series in 1992 and Writing a Comedy Series in 1993.
In 2002, Marta was honoured with an Online Film & Television Association Award for her writing in the comedy series "Friends" and two years later with a TV Quick Award for Best Comedy Show.
Furthermore, she received Gold Derby Award nominations for Episode of the Year (2004) and Comedy Episode of the Decade (2010) for the highly acclaimed series finale "The Last One".
At the 2020 PGA Awards, she was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award in Television, and the Women's Image Network Awards crowned her show, "Five," as Outstanding Show Produced by a Woman in 2012.
Kauffman and Skloff splashed out a whopping $1.47 million in 1997 to acquire a luxurious abode in the esteemed Hancock Park area of Los Angeles. Marta and Michael sold their palatial 8,500 square-foot Malibu home to interior designer/television personality Nate Berkus in 2016, for a cool $8 million.
Two years prior, the couple had successfully offloaded the same abode to "Grey's Anatomy" star Ellen Pompeo for a healthy $6.37 million.
Kauffman wed Michael Skloff, the eventual composer of the beloved Friends theme song, and made their home in Los Angeles. The couple were blessed with three children.
In the closing montage of "The One With Ross' Wedding, Part 1", she lent her vocal talents to Chandler's stop smoking tape, appearing alongside Joey and Chandler on a London sightseeing bus – seated next to the show's producer, Adam Chase.
Inspired by their own daily lives in New York, Marta Kauffman and David Crane created a show that was based on a tight-knit circle of six friends, who were like family to each other. As Kauffman fondly reminisced to The Cut, "We were all each other's best friends, and we hung out all the time – we were like a family."
No one knew Rachel Green (played by Jennifer Aniston) could have made such a massive fortune! The famous actress has a net worth of an astonishing $320 million (£258.5m), making her the wealthiest of the 'Friends' cast.
Marta Kauffman is an incredibly successful television writer and producer whose creativity and vision has made her one of the most influential women in the entertainment industry.
We hope that this post has provided you with a better understanding of this esteemed television writer and producer. For more information on Marta Kauffman and her work, please visit her official website or follow her on social media.
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NEW YORK, July 8 (UPI) -- Wendy Williams has clarified her recent controversial comments regarding actor Jesse Williams' popular BET Awards speech, the NAACP and Historically Black Colleges and Universities.
"On yesterday's show, a lot of you all misinterpreted some of the things I was saying regarding black, black schools, being black in the world, being a human being. So I will clarify again then if you misconstrued. I'll be back tomorrow to clarify again," the daytime host said Thursday in an attempt to clear the air.
Originally, Wendy spoke out about a petition circulating online to remove Jesse from Grey's Anatomy following his speech on racism stating that she sees both sides to the story and how pro-black institutions could be offensive to others.
"I would be really offended if there was a school that was known as a historically white college. We have historically Black colleges. What if there was the National Organization for White People only? There's the NAACP," she said Wednesday on The Wendy Williams Show.
After receiving backlash on social media from fans regarding her comments, Wendy sought to further explain what she really meant. "Be very clear, I find nothing wrong with historically black colleges. My father graduated from Lincoln, which is a black college. My brother graduated from Virginia State, but my thought in my mind was, and what I said to you is, 'how would I feel if I was applying to colleges and that they were historically white was part of the marquee?'" Wendy continued on Thursday's show.
"Now, I understand historically black organizations and universities have been around because we as black people were not allowed to go to your schools, drink out of your fountains, ride in the front of the bus, sit at your counter tops. In 2016, racism is still alive and, well, very much so. I have to say in light of the two police shootings in Baton Rouge and Minnesota, stuff is still going on in 2016, I don't know when it will stop."
"The best I can say as a regular woman observing the world like we all are, is it starts in the four walls we call home. If we can teach our children better and educate ourselves more as adults to the multitude of racists around the world as well as religious groups, then we'd all be better as a society," she concluded before denying that was like outspoken actress Stacey Dash whom internet commentators compared her too.
"For the record, no I am not a Stacey Dash and for the record, I am a very mighty, proud Black woman. Hopefully you got what I said and will not screw up my words like you always do, and read me for filth on the worldwide web."


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What do they specialize in?
Soft shell crab is native to South Carolina waters so it was one of my food goals to eat some while travelling.
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With technology use so prevalent in our daily lives, computer-human interaction professionals have the opportunity and responsibility to design and implement elegant, useful and usable interactive environments that enhance the quality of life. This year's ACM conference on Computer-Human Interactiofutn (CHI 2012), scheduled 5-10 May 2012 at the Austin Convention Center in Austin, Texas, offers a rich program of emerging interaction technologies. "It's the experience that sets one technology apart from another, and that is what we present at the CHI 2012 conference," explained Dr. Joseph Konstan, CHI 2012 General Conference Chair, Distinguished Professor and Associate Department Head of Computer Science and Engineering at the University of Minnesota. Join us at CHI 2012 and catch a glimpse of innovative ideas in research and practice that boldly predict and influence the future.
Originally a small conference for psychologists interested in user interface design, the annual CHI conference has grown to include a very diverse participant group (such as interaction designers, computer scientists, engineering psychologists, developers, performing artists and more). It has also grown to deal with larger problems such as the organizational integration of technology and the use of technology in the home rather than only office settings. This year's conference marks 30 years of research, innovation and development in the field of Human-Computer Interaction and is expected to draw more than 2500 professionals from over 40 countries. The experience at CHI 2012 offers innovative opportunities for interacting with future technologies. The following areas represent a small portion of the total conference. For complete information about this year's conference, consult the Advance Program.
Featuring over 900 works, the CHI conference is the premier worldwide forum for the exchange of information on all aspects of human-computer interaction. Typically the works presented address the concerns of design, engineering, management and user experience professionals. This year's conference also features works that focus on: Digital Arts, Games and Entertainment, Human-Computer Interaction for Kids, Health and Sustainability. Works are presented in several different venues. After two days of intimate pre-conference workshops, the main conference includes panel discussions, courses that provide leading-edge HCI knowledge, paper sessions, case studies, works-in-progress, student competitions (involving design, research and games), interactive demonstrations, special interest groups, and a Tuesday evening video night (popcorn included).
Opening the conference, Margaret Gould Stewart, past Director of User Experience at YouTube, presents the keynote, Connecting the World Through Video. Stewart notes, "From my talk, you can expect to learn about the YouTube experience from both filmmakers and viewers, stories behind the videos, and design principles that apply to your work".
In addition to the technical presentations, CHI 2012 offers a diverse series of 38 courses. These courses range from basic classes, such as Human-Computer Interaction: Introduction and Overview to narrowly focused advanced topics, such as Designing with and for Children in the 21st Century: Techniques and Practices. Other examples of the wide range of offerings include Inspiring Mobile Interaction Design, User Experience Evaluation in Entertainment and Games and Innovating from Field Data: Driving the Voice of the Customer into Solutions that Transform Lives.
Valued equally with the technical sessions and courses are the informal conversations that help form a community of Human-Computer Interaction (HCI) professionals. Many attendees return each year because the relationships formed with other members of the community are as important as technical sessions. Conference attendees can spend their days encountering unexpected new ideas and taking advantage of formal and informal networking opportunities to discuss them. Of special interest is the Tuesday night Job Fair, a scheduled time for interested participants to explore employment opportunities. Many of CHI's exhibitors are active recruiters, in addition to demonstrating prototypes or fully developed products.
Interactivity is a highly interactive (Don't just sit there!) program that features 66 hands-on demonstrations and performances. Interactivity is an opportunity to fully engage at a personal level by touching, squeezing, hearing or even smelling interactive visions for the future: they come as prototypes, demos, artworks, design experiences as well as inspirational technologies. Interactivity promotes and provokes discussion about the role of technology by actively engaging attendees one by one. There are two types of interactivity exhibits this year, explorations and research. Interactivity Explorations present cultural applications and explorations of future technologies. Interactivity Research presents an exciting collection of hands-on research demonstrations and prototypes. These exhibits, developed by leading researchers and designers, will be on display in the Exhibition Hall.
Richard Shusterman presents Somaesthetics and its Implications for CHI.
Organizations contributing to the financial support of the conference include Champion Sponsors, Autodesk; Bloomberg; eBay; Google, Inc.; Microsoft Corp.; the National Science Foundation (NSF) and SAP. Contributing Sponsors include Facebook and Nokia. Friends of CHI include Adobe Systems, Inc.; Disney Research; Samsung UX Center America and University of Michigan School of Information. See a complete list of the conference sponsors.
CHI 2012 is sponsored by ACM's Special Interest Group on Computer-Human Interaction (ACM SIGCHI). The scope of SIGCHI consists of the study of the human-computer interaction processes and includes research, design, development, and evaluation efforts for interactive computer systems. The focus of SIGCHI is on how people communicate and interact with a broadly-defined range of computer systems. SIGCHI serves as a forum for the exchange of ideas among computer scientists, human factors scientists, psychologists, social scientists, designers, educators, and practitioners involved in the design, implementation, and evaluation of interactive computing systems. Over 5,000 professional members of the SIGCHI community work together toward common goals and objectives.