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Another Community Study
Edmund Case Children of intermarriage, Engaging Interfaith Families Jewishly, Raising Children children of intermarriage, efforts to engage interfaith families, raising children	0 Comments
Last month I blogged about what new community studies in Washington DC and San Francisco had to say about interfaith families. The Cohen Center at Brandeis, which did the Washington DC study, has released a new study of Pittsburgh.
An article in the Pittsburgh Jewish Chronicle reports the study's findings that one-third of all children in Jewish households are in intermarried families, that 33% of children of intermarried families are being raised exclusively Jewish, and that "few intermarried families in the Pittsburgh community 'feel very much a part of the local Jewish community.'" The study found that 11% of children of intermarried families are being raised Jewish and something else, and the Chronicle article notes that "for intermarried families who are raising their children Jewish in some way, 'nearly as many are sending their children to Jewish preschool as are inmarried families.'" The study's principal author, Matthew Boxer, said that "Reaching out to intermarried families may provide a good opportunity for growth…and Pittsburgh should see 'what else can be done to make them feel welcome.'"
The study was also the subject of a front-page story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which reports that "Intermarriage remains a concern. Of local Jews who are married, engaged or living together, 29 percent are in an interreligious couple. Among young adults, the figure is 40 percent, and that's among those who are coupled up." The article reports that Len Saxe, head of the Cohen Center, said that children raised in interreligious marriages in recent years are more likely to grow up claiming a Jewish identity than in the past, when mixed couples felt marginalized. "The Jewish community, particularly the liberal part, said, 'We're going to welcome particularly the children.'"
The recent studies, as well as past studies in New York (2011), Boston (2015), and the Pew Report (2013), have a pretty wide variation in what they report about how the children of interfaith families are being raised. That's a subject I'll return to soon.
The Latest on Birthright Israel and Intermarriage
Edmund Case Birthright Israel, Children of intermarriage, Engaging Interfaith Families Jewishly, Identity, Israel, Raising Children Birthright Israel, children of intermarriage, efforts to engage interfaith families, intermarriage and Israel, Israel, raising children	0 Comments
The latest evaluation of Birthright Israel, Beyond 10 Days: Parents, Gender, Marriage and the Long-Term Impact of Birthright Israel, has important information and implications for intermarriage policy. The headline, as reported by Len Saxe, the leader of the Cohen Center team that did the evaluation, in a piece for the Forward, is that "Birthright's alumni, compared to similar young Jews who did not participate in the program, are more highly connected to Israel, more likely to have a Jewish spouse and raise Jewish children, and more likely to be engaged in Jewish life."
The study makes many interesting observations:
For much of the twentieth century, women were more likely to inmarry than men; today, among married Jewish adults under age 40, 20% of Jewish women have a Jewish spouse compared to 41% of Jewish men (p. 4).
Spousal conversion is relatively rare, less than 5% of Jewish women's partners convert, and 16% of Jewish men's partners (p. 13)
There are also extensive discussions on differences between men and women in terms of behaviors and impacts of Birthright.
I am most interested in the study's findings on how children of interfaith couples are raised. The study reports that among intermarried Jewish men, 38% of Birthright participants are raising their first child Jewish, compared to 17% of non-participants; among intermarried Jewish women, participants and non-participants are "equally likely" to be 51% are raising their first child Jewish (51% of participants compared to 56% of non-participants, which the study says is not a statistically significant difference). To me, the influence Birthright apparently has on influencing participants to raise their children Jewish is its more important impact, even if limited to men as opposed to women.
The report notes that "those who are not raising their oldest child Jewish are most likely to be undecided or not raising their child in any particular religion" (58% of intermarried Jewish men participants and 44% of intermarried Jewish women participants) and that "For both men and women with non-Jewish spouses, the likelihood of raising their oldest child in another religion is less than 10%." (p. 15)
It is a fine thing if more Birthright participants than non-participants marry other Jews, but if you invert the study's information on rates of inmarriage, it is clear that there is extensive intermarriage among participants. That is especially true among participants who themselves have one Jewish parent. Thus:
38% of all participants who are married are intermarried, compared to 56% of non-participants (because 62% of participants and 46% of non-participants are likely to have a Jewish spouse) (p. 12)
of men and women with two Jewish parents, 30% of participants who are married are intermarried (because 70% are likely to have a Jewish spouse), compared to 45% of non-participants (p. 14); for men, 24% are intermarried, for women, 37% (p. 13)
of men and women with one Jewish parents, 67% of participants who are married are intermarried (because 33% are likely to have a Jewish spouse), compared to 80% of non-participants (p. 14)
These high levels of intermarriage will continue as more and more young adults with one Jewish parent participate in Birthright: the study notes that applicants with one Jewish parent have grown from less than 20% almost two decades ago to nearly 35% in 2017, and those applicants are still under-represented, given that half of Jewish millennials have one Jewish parent (p. 4).
This evaluation amply supports the continuing importance of making Birthright widely available, including especially to young adults with one Jewish parent. But I believe it supports the need for programmatic interventions aimed at interfaith families with young children and at new interfaith couples to support their Jewish engagement.
One of the most important conclusions of this and past Birthright evaluations is that interventions work: childhood experiences influence adult Jewish engagement, and "educational interventions have the capacity to continue shaping Jewish identity through multiple stages of development including the college and young adult years." (p. 26) There is no reason that would not be the case for interventions aimed at interfaith couples before they have children and after they do.
The study aptly notes that strategies for engaging young adults with one Jewish parent or two Jewish parents "likely need to be tailored to their unique backgrounds" (p. 26), which I believe supports the need for programming that is targeted to young adults with one Jewish parent as well as to interfaith couples and families. Saxe notes in his Forward piece that developing Jewish identity requires experiences as well as knowledge and the central role of having those experiences as part of a Jewish group; that fully applies to designing programming for new interfaith couples and for interfaith families that builds knowledge and brings them together for Jewish experiences.
Finally, to me there is huge potential in the 58% of intermarried Jewish men participants and 44% of intermarried Jewish women participants who are raising their first child as "None, Undecided" – to say nothing of the 72% of men and 35% of women non-participants who are doing the same.
Inside Intermarriage
Edmund Case Children of intermarriage, Engaging Interfaith Families Jewishly, Inclusion and Welcoming, Marriage and Relationships, Raising Children children of intermarriage, efforts to engage interfaith families, inclusion, Jim Keen	0 Comments
August 1, 2017 is the publication date for the new version of Jim Keen's Inside Intermarriage: A Christian Partner's Journey Raising a Jewish Family. I was honored to write the Foreword to this one-of-a-kind book: the warm, personal, light-hearted but very serious stor y of a Protestant man raising Jewish children together with his Jewish wife.
When Jim Keen and his fiancée Bonnie were planning their wedding, her Jewish grandmother wasn't sure she would attend, because she disapproved of intermarriage. But she chose love, and danced with Jim at the wedding, saying "you're my grandson now." That story brought tears to my eyes, and it and others in this book might to yours.
Interfaith couples like Jim and Bonnie who care about religious traditions face what I call "eternal" issues. Not in the sense that the issues can't be resolved, because they can be, as Jim's story vividly demonstrates. But all interfaith couples who want to have religion in their lives have to figure out how to relate to each other and their parents and families over religious traditions; they all have to resolve whether and how to celebrate holidays, to be spiritual together, to find community of like-minded people.
This book follows Jim's journey through all of those issues. From dating, falling in love, meeting the parents, deciding how children will be raised religiously, considering conversion, to getting married; from baby welcoming ceremonies, to celebrating holidays, finding community, and meeting his own needs in a Jewish family. It's a deeply moving story, told with humor, and it's an important one.
Jim Keen's example of one interfaith couple's journey to Jewish continuity is reassuring. Interfaith couples who are or might be interested in engaging in Jewish life and community can learn from Jim's story how doing so can add meaning and value to their lives.
Along his journey, Jim shares extremely helpful insights. For example: his and his wife's feelings and attitudes changed over time, with him moving from feeling different, "standing out," "not belonging," to feeling "part of." For another: interfaith couples, no matter what path they follow, have to make a conscious effort to work out their religious traditions, which can lead to more thoughtful and deeper engagement. And another: interfaith couples aren't alone, and it's very helpful to become friends and work through issues with other couples.
Interfaith couples follow many paths, and Jim Keen doesn't say his path is right for everyone. He continued to practice his own religion; some partners in his position don't practice any religion, or practice Judaism, or even convert. Jim and his wife chose one religion for their children; some couples decide to raise their children in two religions, and many couples haven't decided, or haven't yet. The clear advice Jim does give is that there are solutions to the issues that interfaith relationships raise, and that the key to resolving them is early and ongoing respectful communication. How Jim spells out the negotiation and communication he and his wife had over many issues will help couples facing the same issues, no matter what paths they may be thinking of taking.
Jim expresses deep gratitude for finding very warm and welcoming JCC pre-school and synagogue communities, and especially a rabbi by whom he felt genuinely embraced. It is essential that more interfaith couples experience that kind of welcome. Most Jews have intermarried relatives now, and many Jewish professionals are working with people in interfaith relationships. This book promotes better understanding not only of the eternal issues interfaith couples face, but in particular the perspective of the partner from a different faith background.
Jim Keen doesn't promote intermarriage, but he does recognize its positive impacts, including an appreciation for tolerance and diversity. He writes that being in an interfaith relationship has broadened his perspective and enhanced not only his life, but also his parents' and in-laws' lives too. He still enjoys "belonging to [his] Scottish-American, Protestant group, but it's a warm feeling being able to see the world through Jewish eyes, as well." He also rightly recognizes his and his family's contribution to the Jewish community: "I am proud to say, there are some Keens who happen to be Jewish. I love it." I love it, and I think you will, too.
Today, with intermarriage so common, Jim Keen's perspective is more important and valuable than ever. Jim Keen and his family – on both sides – are heroes of Jewish life. They are role models for how a parent from a different faith background and a Jewish parent, together with all of the grandparents, can support the Jewish engagement of their children and grandchildren. They all deserve deep appreciation for this utmost gift, Jim especially for shedding light on the journey.
You can order the book here.
The Flip-Side: Positive News About Intermarriage
Edmund Case Attitudes About Intermarriage, Discussion Groups for Couples, Engaging Interfaith Families Jewishly, Life-cycle, Raising Children, Wedding Officiation attitudes towards intermarriage, efforts to engage interfaith families, PJ Library, United Kingdom, wedding officiation	0 Comments
Alongside the negative comment about officiation in the Conservative world, there has been some positive commentary and news about officiation and intermarriage.
Leave it to Rabbi Keara Stein, director of InterfaithFamily/Los Angeles, to provide a much-needed perspective on how rabbis asked to officiate are actually helping interfaith couples.
By telling someone we will not marry them, we are not stopping them from marrying someone of another faith background. What we're stopping them from (and I have heard this time and time again) is engaging in Judaism and being part of the Jewish community.
The couples who are told by rabbis and communities that "We accept you and your partner" and also, "I cannot officiate your wedding, but you can still buy High Holy Day tickets"… often come to me dejected and confused and wondering how to fill their desire for Jewish engagement. During my first meeting… I spend most of the session repairing the hurt and rejection they are feeling.
One such couple… said "We were planning on having a friend do our ceremony, but now we're excited to have a rabbi." I hear this refrain over and over from interfaith couples as they are searching for a way to engage Jewishly and are hearing "No, you're not welcome here" either explicitly or by liberal rabbis who mean well but whose boundaries are so tight that they do not allow them to see the people sitting on the couch in their office.
I hear a lot of people say that interfaith marriage is always bad for Judaism and always leads to disengagement and the decline of Jews. But the truth is, life is not that simple. Families are complicated and most people's religious experience lives somewhere in that gray area between full observance and secular identity. To flat out deny someone the possibility of Jewish engagement at the beginning of their union ignores the real life experiences of people in our communities.
Naomi Schaefer Riley has an interesting take on the Conservative debate, focusing on the B'nai Jeshurun decision to officiate if the couples promise to raise their children Jewish. Echoing Keara Stein, she says
If there's one thing that drives intermarried couples around the bend, it's the fact that the same rabbis who refuse to marry them because one spouse isn't Jewish will turn around a few years later and push them to send their children to the synagogue preschool. In my interviews [for her book on interfaith couples], this practice is commonly labeled "hypocritical" by those affected by it.
Riley makes the interesting observation that the Catholic church used to require the non-Catholic spouse to promise to raise children Catholic, but decided it couldn't in good conscience make that request, and changed its policy. She says that Jewish leaders "have no standing to demand that a non-Jewish spouse do anything at all." Despite that, Riley does think the B'nai Jeshurun policy will lead interfaith couples to have an important discussion before they marry about how they will raise future children.
In my view, one of the most important things Jewish communities can do to engage interfaith couples – after ensuring that they can have a positive experience finding a rabbi to officiate at their wedding – is to foster just those kinds of discussions in groups or meet-ups for interfaith couples. So I was pleased to see, in the midst of all the debate about officiation, an excellent article in the Boston Globe about Honeymoon Israel, an excellent program that fosters those kinds of discussions within the context of a heavily-subsidized trip to Israel. The article quotes Avi Rubel, co-founder, as viewing intermarriage not as a loss – "It's not a minus one, it's a plus one."
Rubel says Honeymoon Israel's goal is not to convert couples or convince them to raise Jewish children, but "to empower the couples who go on the trip to question those things." Sixty percent of the couples who take the trip are interfaith, including the author of the article, who writes that a few months after the trip, her group "had settled into a pattern of Friday evening Shabbat dinners with our new friends." This is very important. It shows what's possible when interfaith couples are welcomed with positivity and trusted to work out their prospective Jewish engagement with other interfaith couples.
After officiation and discussion groups often come interfaith families with young children – and there's positive news from PJ Library, one of the most important Jewish engagement programs ever. PJ commissioned an evaluation of its impact on families based on 25,270 responses to a survey, and 45 interviews. They highlight that 28% of the families receiving PJ books and materials are intermarried and that intermarried families report even more favorable influence than in-married families – for example, 89% of intermarried families say PJ has influenced their decision to learn more about Judaism, compared to 67% of in-married families. The evaluation includes selected quotes from respondents; several highlight intermarried families, including one that explains how the books help the parent from a different faith tradition learn about Judaism. It is refreshing to read an evaluation report that says it is "exciting" to see intermarried families reporting enjoyment and use of the books equally or more than the aggregate.
One of the report's conclusions is that "there is room to grow the program among … intermarried families" and that PJ needs to expand efforts to reach more of the less-connected, less-affiliated families. I very much hope that PJ does that. It's interesting that PJ's influence is greater within the home; other studies have found that interfaith families are more comfortable engaging in Jewish life at home with their family than in more public, organized settings. The report notes that PJ traditionally has reached families through organized institutions such as synagogues, Federations, or JCC's; that's not where interfaith families tend to be. The report notes that interfaith families tend to have a lower level of Jewish engagement than in-married families; their scale of Jewish engagement awards points for having children in several Jewish education sessions, belonging to or participating in a synagogue, donating to a Jewish charity, having mostly Jewish friends, and feeling it very important to be part of a Jewish community; again, these are factors favoring Jewish engagement in public settings.
The report also contains a seed of explanation as to why interfaith families are less engaged. While some families want to see more diversity in the types of families represented in the books – with one quote from a respondent explicitly saying "more cultural books… more related towards interfaith-style families would be amazing" – other families do not want this type of diversity, with one quote saying "We value traditional values and have had to screen some of the books out as not appropriate for our children." It's very clear to me that the continuing negative attitudes many Jews express about intermarriage are related to interfaith families' lesser Jewish engagement, in both public setttings and at home. But I applaud PJ Library's efforts which over time can lead to a change in that dynamic.
After young interfaith families often come b'nai mitvah, and the Arizona Jewish Post has a very sweet story about two families' wonderful experiences at Temple Emanu-El in Tucson. One family had a father and son bar mitzvah – the father's mother was not Jewish, he was raised Jewish but didn't have a bar mitzvah, he and his son converted before the bar mitzvahs "to confirm their identity." The father's wife/boy's mother is not Jewish but experienced Judaism to be welcoming; the father says without her support, he wouldn't have been able to do it. The other family included a Jewish mother from the FSU, married to a man named Bernstein who had a Jewish father but was raised Catholic; the father says, "I'm still Catholic, but I love being a member of Temple Emanu-El. I'm Jewish culturally and by identity. That works." The son says, "The tradition was in my family, but it got lost. There was this connection with Judaism that was renewed when I had my bar mitzvah." One more proof of what's possible and positive when interfaith families are embraced.
That intermarriage is an inexorable worldwide phenomenon is again confirmed in a fascinating episode on interfaith marriage on the BBC radio show All Things Considered. The four panelists include Rabbi Jonathan Romain, who has been one of the most progressive rabbis on interfaith family issues in the UK, a Christian woman married to a Jew who started an interfaith family network, an imam and a minister. Among other things, Rabbi Romain said that 50% of UK Jews are now intermarrying, and that more UK Reform and Liberal rabbis are starting to officiate at weddings for interfaith couples – as recently as two years ago, as far as I know only two Reform rabbis were willing to do so. The minister made a great point about people from other than Christian traditions celebrating Christmas – for them it can celebrate peace and good will to all, not Jesus' divinity.
Finally, the new rabbi at Montreal's Dorshei Emet, reportedly one of the few if not the only Reconstructionist congregations where interfaith weddings are not done, comes with experience officiating for interfaith couples and "makes the case that such marriages can be beneficial to the Jewish community, even when no commitment to later conversion is made by the non-Jewish partner." And Keren McGinity persuasively presents the need for Jewish professionals to study intermarriage.
Another Problematic Article About Intermarriage
Edmund Case Raising Children doing both, raising children	0 Comments
The other day I blogged about an article about intermarriage that got a lot of recent attention. Three Jewish women's non-Jewish husbands didn't participate in raising their children Jewish. I said it was a sad story, but not typical.
Another article about intermarriage, this one in the Huffington Post, also elicited a lot of comment recently: Interfaith Families: Can You Be Jewish and Christian at the Same Time, by Kate Fridkis. I won't say this one is sad, but again, it's not typical, and it's problematic.
The article starts off with the provocative question, "Can someone identify as a Jew and a Christian simultaneously?" and says that people involved with The Interfaith Community are doing just that by educating children of interfaith marriages in both Jewish and Christian traditions.
I know and respect Sheila Gordon, the founder of The Interfaith Community, as a serious and well-intentioned person. Sheila persuaded me years ago to list the IFC on InterfaithFamily.com's Network, even though the Network is primarily meant to connect interfaith families with welcoming Jewish organizations, by contending that the Jewish identity of the Jewish partners was strengthened by their involvement with IFC.
After that InterfaithFamily.com still didn't want to have much to do with IFC, although our thinking has evolved. We now would be happy to present, to people who gravitate to the IFC's approach, the Jewish perspective and the model of interfaith families choosing Jewish identity for their children while learning about and respecting the other religious tradition in the family.
I'm sure that there are some number of interfaith couples for whom the IFC's approach resonates. At IFF we would not presume to pass judgment on them or suggest they were making a mistake. But educating children in both traditions is not the approach we recommend.
Fridkis writes that "a growing number of people are unwilling to give up their religious tradition just because their partner has a different one." I question whether she has any data to back up that statement. She may be right that there is a trend in that direction – but I hope she isn't.
I also question what "giving up a religious tradition" means in this context. When IFF does holiday surveys, for example, we consistently find that high percentages of couples who are raising their children as Jews participate in Christmas and Easter celebrations, but not as religious holidays involving affirmation of the divinity of Jesus. Have the parents who are not Jewish in those families "given up their religious traditions"? Other than the theological beliefs – no.
I don't like the imagined conversation Fridkis scripts in her article. She suggests that most interfaith couples are not observant "so maybe they can just flip a coin" and has the partner who is not Jewish describe Easter as "the most bored I've been in my life" and the partner who is Jewish saying "I eat bagels and lox ALL the time, though." This depiction remains demeaning of interfaith couples even after Fridkis says "OK, so maybe people don't really talk like that." I hate to come off as humorless, but it isn't funny.
The serious point Fridkis makes is the argument that educating children in both traditions allows for "more in-depth future exploration" and leaves them "better prepared to make their own choices." Here is the brief counter to that: I once heard a young adult woman express the great sadness she felt when her parents left her to pick a religious identity and community – she felt like she was choosing between, not her mother and her father, but between her two grandmothers. And there are numerous personal narratives and "expert" opinions on InterfaithFamily.com to the effect that being grounded in one religious identity and feeling part of one religious community is important for children and young adults.
What motivates the Board and staff of InterfaithFamily.com is the firm belief that engaging in Jewish life can be a source of profound meaning and value for interfaith couples and their children. It's a shame that Jewish leaders and institutions have neither presented Jewish life in compelling ways nor genuinely welcomed interfaith couples to engage in it. If that were to happen more of the folks who are attracted to the idea of "doing both" might decide that the identity of their family and their children is Jewish while one parent's is not, and that the non-theological traditions of that parent can still be part of the family's life.
This post originally appeared on www.interfaithfamily.com and is reprinted with permission.
A Sad Story, But Not Typical
Edmund Case Attitudes About Intermarriage, Raising Children attitudes towards intermarriage, raising children	0 Comments
A recent article in Tablet Magazine has elicited a lot of comment: Private Practice: A group of intermarried Jewish women gather for Shabbat but pack away their identities, by Elizabeth Cohen.
Cohen's article is very sad. Three Jewish women meet for Shabbat dinner with their young children. Their non-Jewish husbands don't participate. Turns out that each keeps her Judaica hidden away in a drawer, a box, a cabinet. Turns out they don't discuss or mention Jewish topics with their significant others. The "cancellation [of Judaism] through silence and storage." A grim picture.
But wait – all of their children are "enrolled in the same Jewish day school. Their Hebrew is impeccable. Their understanding of Torah … is profound for grade-schoolers. And it was they who led our Shabbat, singing prayers aloud, blessings as second nature as those their grandparents uttered."
For me, this article doesn't hang together. Sending children to Jewish day school is an expensive and serious commitment to Jewish life. Some of the comments on the article also question whether there are other issues in the relationships or the personalities of the author and her friends.
If there's one thing I've learned at InterfaithFamily.com, it's that every family is different, but there are patterns. I'm sure there are families where the partners who are not Jewish don't participate in the Jewish life of their partner and children. From my point of view that is an unfortunate situation. But I wouldn't want this article to be taken for more than it is, as representative of intermarriage in general. Some of the comments on the article would do just that – one suggests that the article be required reading in every Hillel. As Cohen herself recognizes, "It isn't always like this, of course. There are plenty of mixed marriages where the spouse gets involved, shares the traditions, looks on with something like admiration, maybe even converts."
Catholic Father, Jewish Daughter, Part Two
Edmund Case Raising Children divorce	0 Comments
The Joseph Reyes case that we blogged about a month ago is in the news again – there is a court hearing today on whether he should be punished for violating a court order that he not expose his daughter to any religion other than Judaism.
I'm concerned about the news slant on this story – on the ABC website part of the headline is "Afghanistan War Vet Faces Jail Time For Taking His Daughter To Church." If you don't know more, it makes the Jewish mother look bad, objecting to her child being exposed to the father's religion.
The child's best interests are paramount in a divorce case. Joseph Reyes converted to Judaism and obviously he and his wife must have agreed to raise their child as a Jew. Courts should require parents to live up to their agreements in a divorce. I would feel the same way if the mother were Catholic, the father converted to Catholicism, then divorced and wanted to expose the child to Judaism.
Plenty of intermarried parents have written for us that they are raising their children Jewish but on occasion take them to a church service. If the Reyes' child were older, I don't think there would be any problem with doing that, and don't think the mother would have a good reason to object if her ex-husband requested her agreement. But baptizing a young child seems to clearly indicate an intention to raise the child as a Catholic, contravening the parents' earlier agreement.
I would never say that it is a mistake to convert just prior to a marriage or in order to get married, because in many cases when that happens the conversion is sincere. But apparently, Joseph Reyes' conversion was not – he is quoted as saying he did so because his in-laws wouldn't accept him otherwise. If that was the case, it certainly was not a good way for the marriage to get started.
There are other parts of this story that strongly suggest that Reyes' motivation is not one of sincere religious conviction, but instead just part of a bitter divorce struggle. Reyes, a law student, says that Catholicism "falls under the umbrella of Judaism"? That he was just taking his daughter to hear the teachings of the greatest Jewish rabbi ever? Please. He called a reporter to film him going to church in violation of the court order?
Again, the child's best interests should be paramount to both parents. Exposing children to conflict like this between two trusted parents is the worst possible thing. And to repeat, I'm not disapproving of Reyes' conduct because he is trying to raise a child Catholic who would otherwise be Jewish – if he were trying to raise a child Jewish who would otherwise be Catholic, I'd feel the same way.
A Terrible Message from the "God Squad"
Edmund Case Anti-intermarriage, Attitudes About Intermarriage, Engaging Interfaith Families Jewishly, Inclusion and Welcoming, Raising Children anti-intermarriage, God Squad, raising children, welcoming	0 Comments
We got a Google alert about an April 3 "God Squad" column that appeared in the Edmond Oklahoma Sun. In the column, Rabbi Marc Gellman responds to a young Jewish woman who wrote to him in pain, seeking advice because of her parents' rejection of her Catholic boyfriend, even though she says she intends and her boyfriend accepts that their children will have the same connection to Judaism as she had. His response is a classic example of the wrong way for Jewish parents (and leaders) to speak to young adults about their interfaith relationships:
I've tried to write you an equally eloquent response that could have come from sensitive parents. It may not reflect your parents' sentiments, but they are mine. I want you to understand how they view things, not so you'll agree with them but so you might understand them. Hopefully, reconciliation will come on the far side of understanding.
To our dearest daughter:
We will always love you, and even in the heat of this disagreement, we believe in you and are happy you've found love. We don't care about the color of your boyfriend's skin, and we don't hate his religion. What we do care about is your life and your duty to preserve the faith and traditions of the religion in which you were raised.
Our task in life is not merely to find love for ourselves, but also to honor and preserve the spiritual legacy and traditions bequeathed to us. Hundreds of generations of Jews before you have lived as Jews and sacrificed as Jews, even in the face of terrible oppression and death. If they could preserve their faith through times of hell, why can't you preserve your faith in times of freedom?
The idea that Judaism will end in our family with you for no other reason than that you met a nice Catholic guy is devastating to us. There's nothing wrong with him or with his faith, but there is something right about our Jewish heritage, and this fact must be weighed, even against your own personal happiness.
Furthermore, we disagree with you because of the rights of your future children. A child needs to be able to walk into a church or a synagogue and in one of the two places be able to say, "I am home here." Despite your protestations, your children may not be able to do that with one Jewish parent and one onlooker.
May God forgive us, but we'd be more able to accept your conversion to Catholicism than your present plan. At least then your kids would have a single religious presence in the home and full and clear support from both of you to give them firm religious identities. Of course, if your boyfriend were to convert to Judaism, we'd be more than slightly happier, but that is his choice and cannot be coerced.
You get the idea…
I wrote this letter to the editor (and to Rabbi Gellman):
Rabbi Gellman's response, conveying his sentiments about intermarriage, is based on two wrong assumptions. First, he says that children need a single religious presence in the home in order to develop a firm religious identity; the fact is that many intermarried parents — in Boston, 60% — are raising their children as Jews. Second, he says that a non-Jew willing to raise Jewish children has no good reason not to convert; in fact, many of the thousands of non-Jewish parents who are raising Jewish children have very thoughtfully decided not to convert for important reasons such as maintaining their own religious beliefs and lack of familiarity with Judaism.
Guilting young Jews with the notions that their ancestors preserved Judaism through persecution and that they should choose their Jewish heritage over their personal happiness, as Rabbi Gellman does, will alienate young Jews today who know that is a false choice. They know they can intermarry and still maintain their connection to Judaism and raise Jewish children — but being made to feel terrible about their choice by Jewish leaders is bound to push them away for Jewish involvement.
I surely hope this column is not picked up and published anywhere else.
"Jewish parent + Christian parent = Jewish kids"
Edmund Case Raising Children raising children	0 Comments
Amy Klein has a terrific article in the current edition of the Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles that features InterfaithFamily.com and some of our writers. The title, "Jewish parent + Christian parent = Jewish kids," expresses our organization's mission better than we've been able to do ourselves! Along with Julie Wiener's (New York) Jewish Week article we mentioned in our last entry, yesterday was a big press celebration of InterfaithFamily.com's fifth anniversary and 200th Web Magazine issue.
Why Jewish Life?
Edmund Case Holidays, Jewish Sensibilities, Raising Children Jewish sensibilities, raising children	0 Comments
My Yom Kippur experience was especially meaningful this year–I hope yours was too. It's a wonderful opportunity to reflect on and evaluate my life, and consider what I can do better. I feel I have an entire clean slate of a New Year to fill, and the prospect is very exciting.
I think my main motivation in founding InterfaithFamily.com, Inc. was my belief, based on my own experience and that of many friends, that participating in Jewish life can be a great source of meaning and fulfillment, not just for Jews, but in particular for interfaith couples. The Yom Kippur opportunity to reflect and evaluate is one example of that. Coincidentally or not, a wonderful article in Sunday's New York Times Magazine is another great example.
So the Torah is a Parenting Guide by Emily Bazelon tells the story of Wendy Mogel, a child psychologist who wrote a book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children. As the book's title indicates, Mogel finds relevance in ancient Jewish texts to the most current of issues, in her case, raising children in our modern world. The book has become something of a best-seller–and not just to Jewish parents.
For many years I was privileged to take an early morning Talmud class taught by a wonderful Orthodox rabbi, Reuven Cohn. I was repeatedly struck then by the relevance of Jewish texts to modern issues. When I went back to school as part of my career change, I wrote a paper for Robert Reich's class on social policy that applied lessons from the Talmud tractate on Pe'ah (about leaving the corners of the fields for the poor to harvest) to current welfare policy.
I have often felt that the Jewish community does not do nearly a good enough job in "marketing" the appealing aspects of Jewish life, again, not just to Jewish couples, but in particular to interfaith couples. Doing a better job of that continues to be one of InterfaithFamily.com's most important goals, as this bright New Year begins.


Problem youth -- Behavior modification -- Research.
Behavioral assessment of teenagers -- Research.
Middle school students -- Research.
The purpose of this study was to create and implement a verbal de-escalation procedural plan that staff can teach and students can implement in order to cut down on physical restraint in a Behavior Learning Support (BLS) self-contained classroom for students with behavioral issues. The study was a quasi-experimental design with a pre-test/post-test assessment strategy. The purpose was to determine if the students who received elements of a Learned Resourcefulness curriculum during a social skills class gained self-awareness of what leads to a crisis. Selfawareness did increase from the results of a pre-survey and post-survey, resulting in the null hypothesis that self-awareness would not increase, not being supported. Overall, further research across a larger population is recommended due to the increase in self-awareness.