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Houses 804
Monuments 77
Museums 199
Personalities 123
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Romantic route
53 Arbat, bld. 1 - 17, Spiridonovka street
Interesting around
7 houses 1 hour 30 minutes 4 km
Pushkin's appartment museum
"It was here that the poet brought his young wife Natalia Nikolaevna Goncharova-Pushkin after their wedding on February 18th, 1831". Monument to this wonderful couple located across the street from the house.
A.S. Pushkin
Facing Pushkin Museum turn left and follow 200 meters down Arbat street, then turn left and go 100 meters. There is church a on the right.
Church of the Saviour on the Sand
The Church has a rather complicated story. It stands in the center of the mysterious lanes of Arbat area and surrounded by old houses where famous historical figures ones lived. Also there is a special wedding alter in the church. Soyuzmulfilm studio located here in the 20th century.
Return to the Arbat, turn left and continue to move away from Pushkin Museum. Having passed 200 meters, turn left and follow straight 150 meters. Scriabin's house will be on the left side.
The house where A.N. Skryabin lived
Composer AN Scriabin with his wife and 3 kids settled in the house in 1912. Soon their apartment became a center of cultural and musical life of Moscow - there often held house concerts. Rachmaninov, Balmont, Bulgakov, Pasternak were among the guests. It is here that Scriabin fulfilled the most	fruitful in the creative plans of his life.	...More info
Return to Arbat again, turn left and follow to the end of the street, about 700 meters. Turn left and go across Novy Arbat street. Then turn left and go straight 100 meters. You will see a church.
Church of st. Simeon the Stylite
The church is known as the place of the wedding many figures in Russian history and culture: Aksakov and Zaplatina, Earl Sheremet'ev and Zhemtchugova-Kovaleva. Gogol, Motchalov, Lermontov were the famous parishioners at the church.
Exit to Povarskaya street and walk straight 450 meters. Then turn left and go 200 meters. Marina Tsvetaeva's house will be on the left side
Marina Tsvetaeva house
Marina lived in the house of eight and a half years. Here were the first happy years of her marriage. Then she called home, "a well of comfort and magic", "magic house." Here she experienced two revolutions, wars, terrible poverty, hunger, birth and death of her second daughter	- Irene, the news (false) on the death of her husband. Then the house was "strange and even scary." Here she took as a poet and novelist, wrote 11 books and numerous poems. Hence in 1922, Tsvetaeva and her daughter went to emigrants wandering	...More info
Return to Povarskaya street and turn left. Continue straight ahead and walk 400 meters. On the right side of the street is the "House of the Rostovs'
"Rostov's house"
Manor began to take shape in 1756, when II Vorontsov-Velyaminov built a small house with corner pilasters along the line Nikitskaya. In the 1770s, ownership passed to Dolgorukov, in which the estate was expanded to Povarskaya Street. This mansion was familiar Leo Tolstoy, as he was bound by family	ties with the owners. It was the house he described as Rostov house in his novel "War and Peace"	...More info
Continue on Povarskaya Street to the Garden Ring - about 100 meters, then turn left and walk along the Garden Ring 600 meters. After turn right onto Spiridonovka and go straight 250 meters. On the right side of the House will Z.G.Morozovoy
Z.G. Morozova Mansion
In 1893, Savva Morozov bought an old family homestead Aksakovs. Then the area was dilapidated wooden house in the Empire style, built in 1814 by the famous arhitektoromA.L. Vitberg poet II Dmitrieva. Savva Morozov ordered to demolish the old building, and in its place build a big beautiful house	designed by the young architect Fyodor Shechtel. Manor equip for his beloved wife Sawa Timofeevich. At the time, love and Savva Morozov Zinaida done a lot of noise in the Moscow merchant. Young 18-year-old wife of Sergei Morozov Vikulovicha met at the ball of his uncle - Savva Morozov. Love broke so strong that for her Sawa stepped over religious canons and pious customs of the Old Believers and offered to become his wife Zinaida. Old Believer family were lovers. Relatives and all merchant society embraced divorce and marry a divorced as a great shame. In spite of that, in 1888, the Sava and Zinaida were married and lived together for 17 years	...More info
Joseph Brodsky's Monument
22 Novinsky Boulevard
Sculptor called this monument his "personal gift to the city"
Verigin's house
46/54 Kudrinskaya Square
This is the only surviving house where Pyotr Tchaikovsky, the great composer lived.
(no votes)
"First step" house
20/2 Tverskoy Boulevard
This is a brick apartment building in the style of "avant-garde" was built for educators .
24 Tverskoy boulevard
Catherine Petrovna Stroganov owned the building at 24 Tverskoy boulevard since 1780.
Arseny Morozov's House
16 Vozdvizhyenka street
"Previously I was the only one who knew that you are a fool, and now whole Moscow knows." This is how V.A. Morozova commented on the design of the hose built by her son.
Monument to Leo Tolstoy
Cook Street, Building 52
Sculptural monument to L. N. Tolstoy was installed in 1956 in front of an old mansion on Povarskaya Street.
Sadovaya Kudrinskaya Street
From this very street - Sadovaya Kudrinskaya - the "garden" part of the ring started – it was decorated by frontgardens on both sides.
Ivan Morozov's mansion
10 Leontief lane
This house is a monument of the creativity of three famous architects: Kaminsky, Shechtel and Erichson.
Arbatskaya subway station
Vozdvizenka Street
Arbatskaya subway station opened for passengers on April 5th, 1953.
52 Povarskaya Street
In the 1770s, this property passed to Dolgorukovs. They built two symmetrical service buildings at the edges of the main house with round-cornered rooms. At the turn of XVIII-XIX centuries, the main manor house was built on a mezzanine, decorated with two porticos and received a strict classical facade design. The house was described as a "House of growth" in the novel "War and Peace".
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Apparently last week truly marked the end of summer here in Boston – not the Labor Day weekend. As of yesterday a lot of the summer activities here in Boston have shut down, such as the Harbor Ferries. Perhaps it is fitting that today is gray, cloudy, and rainy. Last week began a bit slow for us, with not much on the table. My continued job search prospects looked a bit shaky at the beginning of the week, but as the week drew to a close, there were some opportunities that look promising.
I was fortunate to respond to a job search from a small office called CUBE Research + Design. Looking through their website, I loved their clean and elegant design sensibility. What really got me was many of their projects, especially single family residential, had a hint of mid-century modern embedded within the work. This really drew me into their projects, and I was hoping to have a chance to talk with them about some possible opportunities.
As luck would have it, I was contacted by Chris Johns from the Boston office, and asked to come in for a meeting. So, on Friday I headed down Summer Street delighted to be able to meet with CUBE. We chatted for about an hour regarding my past experiences and jobs, and looked at some of my work materials. Chris showed me around the office and then we sat at his computer and he showed me several of his projects – nearly all of them really. We spent almost 2 hours looking over their past and current projects – some really thoughtful work, I was impressed. So, after nearly 3 hours of hanging out at CUBE and meeting with Chris I left feeling confident, but know they will be looking at other talented candidates.
In addition to CUBE, my good friend Daniel was able to email a few larger firms on my behalf. Two of them responded right away, and as of right now, I have scheduled a meeting at Elkus Manfredi Architects for Tuesday the 27th. Hoping to have a few more meetings scheduled by the end of the week.
Apart from the job search I asked Adam for possible tickets to Yankees v Red Sox on Thursday night, and of course he obliged and gave Ash and I two great seats on the third base side. Fenway is a great place to be, even if you don't love baseball. The evening was nice and crisp, cold but not too cold.
Ash at Fenway, the Green Monster in the background.
At the top of the 7th the Yankees were leading by about 4 runs, and it was already getting pretty late so we decided to make our way home. We stopped in for a quick dinner and then took an Uber back to Lexington. Once home I checked the score of the game to find that the Sox had come back in dramatic fashion to win. Adam said it was the best comeback in many years. Oh well. Highlights below.
On Saturday, Ash and I went to seek out some authentic Mexican food. I've been told that its pretty impossible to find the quality we were accustomed to in Arizona, but there was promise with Taqueria Mexico in Waltham. It was located in a run down area of Waltham, which made me think this might be the real deal. We ordered some beers and they brought us chips and salsa. We sat outside on a nice patio on a warm afternoon. The chips and salsas were quite good. They had one spicy salsa and one more traditional style salsa. Both excellent. The food was good, but not quite the same as we can get from home. I had a taco and enchilada, and they were good. The beans were not quite right, nor was the rice. I'd definitely go back, but I'm still left missing that part of home.
After our Mexican food we headed to South Boston for the American Field Boston event at the Design Center. American Field is a pop up market for handmade goods made in America. It was quite the hipster crowd on the 7th floor of the Drydock Building, and while there were certainly some nice items, we did not end up making any purchases.
It was a pretty lazy Sunday for us, lounging around the sofa most of the day, although we did walk to Wilson Farms and back to get some items for dinner.
Well, as always, hopefully there will be more to report next week.


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This is how to mirror your Android screen and audio to your PC, this will work on any version of android and any pc as long as it is using Windows. You will not need any sort of special software for this like vysor however you will need some tools like ADB or Android Debugging Brigde which is a special tool used for communication between your Android Device and PC.
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Unlike Minecraft, Minecraft Dungeons doesn't feature an open world, nor mining or building. Instead, it is a hack and slash-styled dungeon crawler, rendered from an isometric perspective. Players explore procedurally generated and hand crafted dungeons filled with randomly-generated monsters and also deal with traps, puzzles, bosses and finding treasure. There is no class system; players can use any weapon or armor they wish. The game includes a four-player local and online multiplayer.
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* Registration includes admission into Festival!
***For the safety of all participants, only runners and walkers will be admitted onto the race course.
***No scooters, skateboards, bicycles, rollerblades, will be permitted. We thank you for your understanding!
All registration fees include a swag bag and admission to our Kids Fun Fest featuring face painting, games, music, food trucks, and more!!!
***You may also pick up your bib until 8:00am on race-day.
I am unable to pick up my packet.
If you are not able to pick up your own packet, a person you designate (with proof of the participant's identification) may pick up your packet for you. You may also pickup your packet the day of the run starting at 7:00AM.
A letter signed by the runner authorizing the person picking up permission to do so. The pick up person should bring their photo identification. The signature on the letter should match the signature on the mailed in race application. The runner's confirmation post card or a photocopy of the card. A printout of the online confirmation if the runner registered online.


Preconceptions are the issue. This is a book like no other, partly a true story. Someone I knew. The problem: Words like God, angel, devil, demons, afterlife etc etc have been so distorted and subject to a million and one interpretations; founded entire religious edifices and caused both ecstatic joy and immense suffering. What if they meant something else entirely? Something hidden from the human race until the veil is swept from its collective eyes? As though the Earth itself was moving into a kind of spiritual and galactic influence. And, what if the word messiah did not mean the messenger of God but an individuality that would sweep away all known religions and cause mankind to transmogrify into a higher plane of existence? And what if that 'messiah' could not read or write. Somebody needs to be chosen to write down the words of the 21st century book of wisdom – don't they?
Paul took another deep breath, trying to unblock the pressure. He looked around him. It was terrifying and disturbing, he thought anxiously for the hundredth time, to be talking to angels and other spiritual beings whilst in the midst of normality.
He was sitting in a chintzy sofa in his familiar and comfortable living room. Logs were piled high on either side of the fireplace and out of the French windows he caught a glimpse of the midwinter clouds racing across a bleak sky. He squeezed his hands together in a childhood gesture of anxiety.
"No," he replied without speaking. He just blinked his answer in the shorthand language he had become accustomed to using during these strange, transcendental and celestial conversations. He thought deeply about the task for which he had been supposedly chosen. He did not feel at all comfortable at the prospect. In fact, a large ball of fear had formed in his solar plexus just as it had been doing on and off as the precursor to all the traumatic events he had been experiencing.
This had been an intense and life threatening period in his life that he once believed would never come to an end and one he would never be able to forget or wish to repeat. Until now his interest in metaphysical and spiritual matters had been, he realized bitterly, purely academic. Even when the angel group first made contact and later, when the dark forces almost drove him insane, he still, somehow, held on to a semblance of his everyday normality. This then must be the true test of whether these experiences were real, or just a terrifying mental aberration. The problem was that the everyday definition of reality had no meaning in this situation.
Paul could sense the presence of the angel group. Each member of it was an individual and left a definable personality impression on his mind so that he was able to distinguish one from the other.
Paul knew that he could keep no secrets from this group, whatever and wherever it was. No part of his mind, even the deepest recesses where he hardly dared penetrate, was hidden from these angels. He had learned not to care about this, but to allow himself to feel as deeply and as emotionally as he could, irrespective of whether they observed or not, and to learn to recognize his own inner demons; something he would have found impossible to do before all this began. He also thought that he must be crazy to be agreeing to such an absurd proposition or so-called destiny. His rational self still believed none of it. The obvious culprit for all of these staggering events was stress. The problem was that he was not suffering from any form of serious stress as far as he could tell. Madness was, of course, another distinct possibility that came to mind, but then, could a person wonder rationally if they were mad if they actually were mad or insane? The angels had told him that the whole mind and soul bending episode was coming to an end and that he would not have to endure contact with these forces for very much longer.
Nevertheless, it was a nerve wracking moment of decision. To make it would denote an acceptance that what had been happening to him was in some way real. If it wasn't, and it was some kind of weird hallucination, then it didn't matter anyway. He would say anything to get rid of these spiritual intruders.
But, it was also a seductive and mind blowing prospect. To play a part in the next phase of the development of the human race was simply an orgasmic notion. Paul had asked the 'why me' question over and over and no explanation had ever been forthcoming, other than that he had been born for this destiny or fate. This is what made the whole situation so absurd. There was nothing special about him. He was a middle aged IT consultant who had developed an interest in spirituality, religion, magic, the occult and so-called new age matters and had delved deep, but no more than many people. Why he should be chosen to transcribe a book which would apparently herald a new world order he simply could not fathom. Right now, he just wanted to agree to anything and get rid of them all so that he could get back to work and to his normal life. He was certainly no writer.
"Lie back," commanded Punishment Angel.
"Goodbye, my little cherub," said Guardian Angel with real warmth.
"Goodbye, Paul," crooned Development Angel.
"Goodbye, Paul," said Prosperity Angel.


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Jokes > Search Results > going to alcohol seminar at 3 a m
Best Jokes and puns for going to alcohol seminar at 3 a m | Best Jokes and Puns
Jokes and puns for going to alcohol seminar at 3 a m:
Related Tags: going to m&m at going seminar alcohol to alcohol poisoning who wants to be a millionaire A/C a little a lot m-1 tank not to worry used to be gates to heaven just a whim take a walk riding a bike a lot more a whim away need to talk letter to God letter to IRS gate to heaven difference between a hippo and a zippo change a light bulb step on a duck chased by a bear mary had a little lamb
Three Paralympian Swimmers Go Head-to-Head
Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games. The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block. The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in. They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line. Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water. He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says: "I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start an idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me!"
sports joke swimmers Paralympic
Eye Puns
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Fire Puns
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Going to See the Doctor
It was early morning and an old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said,"Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why, are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again then I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"
senior joke doctor joke Viagra sick coat shot tetanus rocker sweater pills
The Special Cuckoo Clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a conflict. (Even when very drunk I figured 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him "MIDNIGHT". He didn't seem angry in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh cr*p.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and passed wind."
marriage joke drunk joke cuckoo clock
Math Puns
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can't even.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Jokes For Women
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Cookie Puns
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
It's Going to Cost You...
One day, while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father, this place is great, but there is one thing missing," he said. "What is that my son?" God asked. "Well, it would be nice to have a mate: I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animals have mates but me. All I'm asking for is: a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who likes making love like I do, never has a headache, will cook, clean and be at my beck and call morning, noon and night," pleaded Adam. "Wow, that's a tall order, though perhaps I have just such a creature in mind. But," said the Lord, "it's going to cost you big time." "Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam "An arm and a leg," replied God. Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked: "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
religion joke God adam and eve garden of eden
The Wifi Password
A man goes into a bar in the airport and asks the bartender what the password is to their wi-fi. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wi-fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
Jesus & Moses Go Golfing
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green. Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green. The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it. Startled, the eagle dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus sighed and turned to the old man: "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time."
religion joke God golf joke jesus
3 Village Women
It was 1832, and three women of different ages were walking back to their small farming village. They were carrying their shopping from the market from the next town. As they draw nearer to their village, they turn a bend in the road and suddenly hear a mumble from what they thought was a pile of mud. They cautiously moved closer to the sound, and in the golden light of the setting sun, they saw that indeed it was a mud puddle, but with a naked man lying face down in the puddle, with his head just out of it. "Could be someone from the village." Said the first woman. "We should check and help them back, they could freeze when night comes." Said the second woman. However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell. "Turn him over." Said the third, older woman matter-of-factly. The other two use their feet to gingerly turn the man over. Then let their eyes go downwards. "Well," said the first woman dryly, "He's not my husband, that's for sure." The second woman looks over her shoulder and says: "Yep, that's not your husband." The third woman takes a closer look and straightens with a curse. "Don't worry girls, he's not even from our village."
rude joke farmer joke village women passed out naked man
Tried it Once...
A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No thanks." says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it". The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks. "No, thanks." the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it." Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf" says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club". "That's kind of you, but no, thanks." the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it". Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Mike.." says the plant manager. "Let me guess" the salesman replies with a bitter smile: "An only child?"
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Cheese Puns
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
3 Old Ladies and the Flasher
Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation. Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park. He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't seem to be wearing anything underneath it. The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Seeing her friend's reaction, Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble then her friends, couldn't quite reach that far...
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Little Johnny Describes His Future
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girl with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her 3 times a day." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of this child, decides not to linger on what he said and so continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? What do you want to be?" she asks. "I wanna be Johnny's wife!" Says Susie.
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If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
3 Russian Prisoners
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail cell together. One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
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A Funny Christmas Tale
Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation, Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation. The stockings were hung on the wall with great care, Next to some T-shirts and old underwear. I was working the night shift compiling stats, Answering the phone, and feeding the rat. When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter! I opened the door with a creak and a crick, And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick. I had seen his picture a time or two, He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342. I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!" "Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees." But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew, with me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew. When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh, Throwing down toys and blocking my way. As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack, I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back. To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank, And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank. "On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear. Then I got off three rounds and just missed the lead deer. And I heard Santa say as he sailed into the blue, "Merry Christmas to all! My Lawyers will sue!"
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Dirty Puns
What do you call an alien with 3 balls? An extrateresticle.
Bubba and His Wife Go Fishing
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake. They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home." On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?" "Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water." "Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"
marriage joke fishing redneck stupid
Blonde Jokes
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
3 Boys and a Ferrari
Three little lads were on their way home from school when one of them noticed a red Ferrari parked at the side of the road. He said: "When I'm older I'm going to get a great job and buy one of them." The second lad said: "I am going to university to get a great education, and a great job and buy one also." The third lad says: "I'm going to get a job like my sister." The other two asked what she did. "She's a prostitute." "What's a prostitute?" the other two ask. "I don't know, but that's my sister's car."
children family joke hooker joke
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
The Most Amazing Story
A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman. "And that, your honor, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room."
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Firefighter Lovemaking Rules
A firefighter came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night." His wife thought it was a bit strange but also kinda kinky, so she agreed. The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" "What the hell is Bell 4?" asked the husband. The wife said, "Roll out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire."
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The Mysterious Smiles
Three new corpses are delivered to the morgue one day, each with a smile on their face. The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death. "First body, Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face. Second body, Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face." The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?" The mortician says, "Ah, this is perhaps the most interesting of all. This is Justin, aged 25, a flat-earther. He was struck by lightning". "Why's he smiling, then?" "He thought he was getting his picture taken".
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A Theory of Happiness
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar. He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. "How many people here make love once a day?" Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. "Once a week?" A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. "How many of you make love once a month?" A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted. Then he asks, "OK, how about once a year?" To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling. The therapist is shocked - this man's reaction completely disproves his theory! "If you make love only once a year," he asks, "why are you so happy?" The man shouts: "Today's the day!"
marriage lovemaking joke happiness therapist
The Wife That Wants to Be Six Again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster - everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress size, you dumbass!"
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Nerdy Pick Up Lines
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
Two College Students and a Beggar
Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money. Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on. Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity. "Why the hell did you do that? You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!" Desmond laughs: "What...and we weren't?"
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Unicorn Puns
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
It's not Easy Being Casual
Week 1 - Memo No. 1 We are glad to announce that the company will be adopting Fridays from now on as Casual Day. All employees are free to arrive at work with the casual attire they wish to wear. Week 2 - Memo No. 2 Attention to all employees: Giant hats and chicken costumes are no longer alloweed on Casual Day. Neither are wrestling outfits or edible underclothes. Week 5 - Memo No. 3 To all employees: The phrase Casual Day refers to attire, not attitude. When on smoke break, please avoid bringing 'joints', bongs or glass pipes to the office. Remember that our conduct dictates our success. Week 7 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on the appropriate attire and attitude on casual day will be held at 4PM on Friday in the cafeteria. Attendance is mandatory. Week 8 - Memo No. 5 Following the tragic events of the seminar, the 8 members of the Casual Day Task Force will be seeing to your safety during Casual Day, and will be preparing new guidelines for proper conduct. Week 12 - Memo No. 6 Attention all employees! The 26 members of the The Casual Day Task Force would like to apologize to Louis' family, he will be missed. Today you will receive the complete, 277-page manual for 'how to relax on Casual Day without receving a penalty'. Please see the chapter on 'keep it clean, keep it covered.' for some great tips, as well as the chapter 'Say no to animal costumes' Please read it and memorize for upcoming exam. Week 16 - Memo No. 7 Good news: Our medical coverage has now been altered to include psychological counceling for trauma. Please fill prescriptions and follow directions in order to be in the right state for Casual Day. Week 18 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts, several law suits, and an ongoing police investigation, we are sorry to announce that we will be discontinuing Casual Day.
business joke memo office employees casual
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn't it?
Knock, knock.
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Two Priests Go to Hawaii
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blond, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father - Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
blond religion joke priests
Squirrels in the Church
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
religion joke God baptist church whiskey presbyterian synagogue squirrels circumcise lutheran episcopalian
Dark Short Jokes
What did the drunk woman said to the man after leaving the bar? Alcohol-you later.
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
Why was the anti-vaxxers 3 year old son crying?
He was having a mid life crisis.
A Doctor and His Wife "Go At It"
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. Things in the bedroom hadn't been good for a while, so they were going at it over that. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. He began his working day, and didn't hear a peep from his wife. By mid-morning, he decided to make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "I was getting a second opinion."
marriage joke cheating joke second opinion
An Excellent New Soldier
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
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An Ounce of Brain
A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford." "Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce." The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?" The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"
political joke doctor hospital politician engineer transplant brain insurance congratulations astrophysicist
Chocolate Puns
The Best Hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
marriage joke drunk joke
3 Nurses Go to Heaven...
Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their case for entering paradise. So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: "I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter." The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse then says, "I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best." The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter. "And you?" He asks the third nurse. "I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with thousands of patients." She answers confidently. The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman's file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says: "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven... for five days!"
political joke surgeon gates to heaven HMO nurses heaven afterlife gatekeeper stress days paradise
Men and Women Take Different University Courses
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back.. Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. Resistance to Beer 4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks") 9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You, The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please 17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat 18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies 19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost 20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes 22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too 23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous 24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home 27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary 28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag 2. You Can Change The Oil Too 4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug 5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness 7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football 8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around 9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right 11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself 12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right 13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex 15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours 16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door 18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank 21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation 22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend 24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous 25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother 26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack 27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most 28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving 30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
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Their Obsession
A renowned psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their little children. After a few hours of talking and analyzing their words and behavior, he said: "I believe that you all suffer from some obsession." He turned to the first mother and said, "You obviously have an obsession with food. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. And it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny," He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and said, "Come on, Richard, Peter and Willy, let's go".
rude joke children mothers psychologist names
A Drunk Minister
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the cowboy with scorn - he viewed alcohol as being the work of the devil. Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
plane alcohol religion joke cowboy minister drink
Bowling Puns
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Sports Puns
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Where Are You Going, Missy?
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager yells back: "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She lets her grandmother know that she has friends coming over shortly, and that it's just not appropriate... The grandmother says: "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
senior rude joke senior joke grandmother hanging baskets
Going to Hooters
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay, let's give it a try."
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Flower Puns
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Romantic Pick Up Lines
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
Going Under the Speed Limit
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two in the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't going over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven't said a word since I pulled you over." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!"
car joke silly joke stupid police joke slow
The Alcoholic Connoisseur
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable." "That's... that's correct.", said the boss, astonished. Another glass... "This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results." "Correct!" A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was blow away, but in case this was some sort of hoax, he wanted to put the man to a real test. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
cheating joke drunk joke alcoholic expert
The Special Seminar
At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary? Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."
senior senior joke marriage joke wedding anniversary
The 3 Gentlemen and the Wall of Lies
Three men are walking in the desert for days, seeking a way out of the heated hellscape. There was an American, An Englishman and a Brazilian man. After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. They break down weeping, when the American spots a sign near the wall. The sign reads: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try." The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "We, the English gentlemen, never drink tea with milk." The wall cracks. The American adds: "We, the American gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work." Again, the wall cracks. Now all left up to the Brazilian man, he takes a deep breath and starts: "We, the Brazilian gentlemen-" The wall shatters.
American desert milk Englishman beware wall tea damage smoke lies brazilian gentlemen stogies too high
What Size Will You Be Going For?
Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a "small," $6,500 for a "medium," and $14,000 for a "large." Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium... and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
marriage joke doctor joke rabbi lovemaking
To Be Eight Again
A husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like as a gift. "I'd like to be 8 again," she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 8 again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!"
joke about men husband wife marriage joke marriage mirror birthday moral dress idiot eight size
3 Men with 3 Cheating Wives
Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives. The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there". The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a tool belt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house in years..." The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad as I do... My wife is having an affair with... (stops for dramatic effect) a horse!" The two other man both look at him with a confused look and demand an explanation. Has he gone insane?! Has she?! What the heck was he talking about? The third man lies back and says: "It's very simple, boys, when I got home last night, I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."
joke about men horse cheating joke
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
An Experiment Turned Race
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Chevelle if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure." So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend: "I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you to maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down." With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, an orange Camaro came up beside them and before you knew it, the fellow driving the Chevelle forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Chevelle. A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Camaro and a Chevelle racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
car joke police bike race chevelle camaro
This Nun Needs Help
A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!" The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips." "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ..." "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me." "Well let's go inside and settle this" "No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy. The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please" The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn "nun" out there again!?!"
bar religion joke nun drunk joke
Why Go to the Bar at All?
This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies . So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India - they had it all. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I promise. OK?" You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. The husband tries once again. "But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, sweetie pie? Smiled the wife. "Then drink your bloody beer in your darn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, moron?"
marriage joke bar joke snacks swearing puppy frozen hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh coochy cooh dirty words
An Unlikely Destination
2 policemen went on patrol and at 4 o'clock at night when they suddenly saw an older man walking alone in the street wobbling and barely walking a straight line. They stopped him for questioning, make sure he's not drunk in public or getting into a car to drive home. "Where does sir come from please?" They asked him. "I come from the best place in the world!" He answered in a very slushed voice. "This is my favorite bar that has the best drinks and the nicest girls! Each one is friendlier than the next!" The man continued and winked at the cops. "It sounds like a great place." Said one of the officers. "And where are you going at a time like this? Shouldn't you be in bed?" "What? sleep!? No way, I'm on my way to a lecture on alcohol addiction and its effects on the body, the harms of smoking and proper social behavior." "Reaaaally?" an officer said dubiously, exchanging knowing looks with his partner. "Are you sure you didn't drink too much tonight? I seriously doubt anyone is giving lectures on these topics at a time like this." The man sighed and said, "Tell that to my wife...
bar drunk joke police joke bar joke lecture patrol wink slushed wobbling cops
The Old Lady and the 3 Wishes
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck. The genie says "I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes." The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says "Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more." BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says "genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!" BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said: "you have one wish left." The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building's transformation. The woman looked up at the genie and said "this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!" BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered... "I bet you wish you hadn't had me fixed."
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Curing the Stutter
A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure. He walks into the doctor's office and says: "D D D D Doctor, you've g g g g got to help m m m me, I'll d d do anyth th th th thing." The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem.... "Your genitals are massive, and it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutter. I can, if you'd like, shorten your penis and relieve the great tension on your larynx. The effects will be instantaneous, and we can operate today." "D D D D Do it!" So they prep for surgery and very quickly the operation is performed. It's a complete success, and the man leaves for home delighted to be cured. But that night his wife finds out what he did. She is very unhappy and urges him to reverse the surgery. The next day, the man returns to the doctor's surgery. "Hello doctor, and thanks for seeing me again. I'm completely cured and most of all I'm very grateful, but unfortunately my wife is not, I want to reverse the surgery." The doctor replies: "N N N N N N No Refunds!"
doctor joke stutter
A Politician At the Chocolate Store
Once upon a time there was a thief and a politician who were friends. One day, they entered a chocolate store. While they were busy looking around, the thief stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the thief said to the politician: "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that." The politician replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing." So they went to the counter and politician said to the shopkeeper: "Hey do you wanna see magic?" The Shop keeper replied: "Sure!" The politician says: "Give me one chocolate bar!" The shop keeper gave him one, and he ate it. He asked for a second, and he ate that as well.. He asked a third, and finished that one too. The shop keeper asked: "But where's the magic?" The politician replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find it!"
political joke thief chocolate politician shopkeeper magic stealing chocolate shop
Koala Puns
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
Horse Puns
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
"I lope so!"
3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem
Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. They sit down and after a while Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So she gets up and gets the coffee. Some time later, old Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So again she gets the coffee. Half an hour later, the scene repeats for the third time. Finally the two ladies say goodbye. "Mary is acting really weird, don't you think?" says the first one. "All the time we spent there, she hasn't even offered us coffee!". The second one looks at her in amazement: "What? You've been to see Mary, and you haven't even invited me??"
senior joke friends old lady memory coffee weird invitation foolish
The Statsitician
It was a dark winter night, and among the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club's bouncer was surprised to see a man in an expensive suit and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Sir, are you lost?" asked the doorman. "Oh, I'm the statistician." came the reply. "Then, what are you here for?" With an unsettling grin, the statistician pulls out a knife. "Oh, just standard deviation."
dark humor knife statistician bouncer
The Genius Student
Tommy was sitting in math class when suddenly his teacher asked him "Tommy, How much is 2 + 2?" Tommy, caught off guard, begins counting his fingers under the table mumbling to himself: "1…2…3…4," before happily exclaiming "The answer is four!" "That's correct," answered his teacher, "but I saw you counting your fingers instead of doing the math in your head. So I want you to put your hands behind your back and tell me what do you get if you add 3 + 3?" Tommy put his hands behind his back, but his teacher saw that he was still moving uncomfortably as if he were trying to count fingers. After a few moments he said uncertainly, "is the answer six?" "You are correct," she replied, "but I see you're still counting fingers despite me asking you not to! Put your hands in your pant pockets and tell me what you get if you add 5 + 5." Tommy put his hands in his pants and his teacher saw him looking at his pants and moving his lips without uttering a word. Finally the teacher became impatient and said: "I see what you're doing there and I can tell you right now that the answer is not eleven!"
rude joke teacher school joke child five fingers six student answer pockets pants class math
A Prisoner's Dilemma
An English, Irish and French soldiers are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land. As prisoners of war, the judge sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a year's supply of a luxury item of their choosing. He asks the Englishman what he wants. He says: 'I'll have some of the finest English Gin!' The judge agrees and sends a years of Gin into his cell. Next the Irishman: 'I'll have to go with the finest Irish Whiskey' The Judge agrees and sends in a years supply of 12yo. Irish Whiskey He asks the Frenchman what he wants and he replies: 'I'll have a case of the finest French cigarettes' The judge orders in a case of the finest French cigarettes he can get. The three prisoners are sent into their cells with their chosen comforts and locked for a year with only meals being sent under the door. After the 12 months is up, the judge returns to release the POWs. He opens the door to the Englishman's cell and the Englishman hobbles out and says: 'I'm finally free'. before falling down dead and dying of alcohol poisoning. They head to the Irishman cell and open it and out scuffles the Irishman and says: 'Free at last'. takes a few steps, straightens himself and keeps walking slowly towards freedom. The Judge turns to the Frenchman's cell and opens the door. The Frenchman looks horrible. He takes a few shaky steps forward, raises his hands and pleads: 'Please... PLEASE... Does anyone have a light?!?'
prison joke cigarettes Irishman whisky Englishman Frenchman jail horrible gin pow scuffles
Juice Puns
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
The New Bible Salesman
Two bible salesmen, Rick and Martin, are going on their regular route when the boss rings them. "Guys," he says, "you two are my best, can you please take my sister's son Andrew with you to try him out? He's got a bit of a stutter but he's a smart boy. I promised her I'd give him a shot." The two reluctantly agree and wait for Andrew. "Wasted day." grunts Martin sadly. "Yep. Gotta help the boss though." says Rick patiently. Once Andrew arrives and, slowly, introduces himself, they are even more dismayed to discover his stutter was quite pronounced. Deciding to make the best of it, they go from door to door with Martin and Rick showing Andrew their sales pitches. After the first couple of hours and a few neighborhoods, they had sold 7 bibles. At the next neighborhood, Andrew shyly asks: "D-d-d you m-m-mind if I t-t-t-t take the nex-x-x-t-t-t one?" The other two exchange embarrassed looks. They both knew how impatient people are. Andrew seemed like a nice boy, and they didn't want his hopes crushed. But there was no help to it. "Well," Rick drawled, "he'll have to learn sooner or later. You take the next one, kid." Andrew asks them to wait for him and he makes his way to the first few houses. After about 15 minutes they spot him making his way back. They are initially glad to see he didn't seem crushed or disappointed, then shocked when he brandishes money for 10 bibles sold. "What in goodness name did you DO, kid?" Martin whispers, staring at the money. "I-I-I t-t-t-told them t-t-t that they c-c-c-could b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible or I-I w-w-w-would r-r-read it t-t-t-to them." Says Andrew.
money stutter salesman bible learn sales pitch stutterer
Three new corpses were delivered to the morgue one day, each with a great big smile on his face. The mortification examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death. "First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face. Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face." The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?" The mortician says, "Ah, this is perhaps the most unlikely of all. Billy-bob, a farm boy from Oklahoma, aged 25, struck by lightning". "Why's he smiling, then?" "He thought he was getting his picture taken".
doctor joke smile face lightning body corposes morgue alcohol poisoning farm boy
Lion Puns
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Yo Mama So Ugly
Yo Mama so ugly she went to the salon and it took 3 hours just to get an estimate.
Wine Puns
"Alcohol you later."
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
This Englishman's Wishes
An Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they were all sentenced to 50 whip lashes each. On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who was going to whip them announced: "It's my wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 20 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 35 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly. The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a part of the world I really like. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 50, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. Would you like pillows as well?" The Englishman smiled and said, "Nah, just tie the Frenchman and the German to my back."
lashes pillows sheikh Englishman Frenchman German
Yo Mama So Stupid
Yo Momma so stupid she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the Ws.
Yo Mama so stupid she put two M&Ms in her ears and though she was listening to Eminem.
Doctor Puns
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Respective Developments
Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual meeting of technological advancement reports. The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!" The crowd was shocked and murmurs of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun." The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean." It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!" Now the UN meeting was in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering. "Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses."
Military joke submarine UN meeting
Where Should We Go For Our Birthday?
Four women share a birthday and always celebrate it together. For their 30th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants. For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list. For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it's quiet and has a nice view. For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it's wheelchair accessible. For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they've never been there before.
senior senior joke restaurant birthday
Salt Puns
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
My coworker is unable to attend next week's innuendo seminar.
I have to fill her slot instead.
Why did god invent alcohol? So fat women can get laid too.
When does 1 + 1 = 3?
When you don't pull out.
3 Men in Heaven
The Day of Judgment came, and all the people in the world who were worthy reached heaven, where the heavenly angels divided them into men and women. The angel Gabriel was revealed before all the men and ordered them to stand in two rows; One would be all the men who had retained their strength in the relationship, and the other - men who had surrendered to their wives. Meanwhile, the women were taken elsewhere, apparently to pass their own test... Of course, as soon as the women disappeared, most of the men immediately made their way to the first row of men who stood their ground, did not give in and wore the "pants" in the house. But under the scrutiny and judgment of the angels, they slowly began to wander to the second line of the submissive men. So it went on for a long time until finally there were only three men left in the first row, while the second row lengthened and extended beyond the horizon. Gabriel looked at this scene with a very disappointed look and turned to all the men: "You should be ashamed of yourself, you were created in the image of the Creator, and the woman was created from your bones, but you have allowed yourself to let her rule over you, only these three men are exceptional and I am sure they can teach you a thing or two." "Hey you," he said to one of the three men, "How do you describe your relationships? How do you feel knowing you are one of the most special men in the world?" "The truth?" answered the man, "I was lonely or stuck in unhappy relationships all my life, and now that we are here, my greatest regret is that I did not treat women better." The surprised angel did not lose his enthusiasm and hurried to ask the other man how he described his relationships in life. "All my life I've gone from relationship to relationship, I've never found love and I've always wanted to change my ways and treat women better, now I can never do that ..." he said and burst into tears. The confused angel hurried to the third man. "Please tell me, you seem quite satisfied and relaxed, what's your secret, how did you manage to be the only man in the world who controls his relationship, that stands his ground, doesn't give in to women, and still looks so sure of himself?" "I'm sorry but I don't have an answer for you," said the third man. "I'm just standing here because my wife told me to wait here and not move until she comes back ..."
joke about men marriage joke angel relationship heaven lines bones stuck creator special relaxed ashamed
A Question of Origins
My 3 year old daughter came to me and asked: "Mommy, where does poo come from?" I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: "You just had breakfast?" "Yes", she replied. "Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo." She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: "And Tigger?"
breakfast food children joke confused poo seconds bottom mommy stunned tummy tigger good stuff toilety


My work is a culmination of my studies of graphic design methods and principles, including the extensive research I have completed on Louisiana and the city of New Orleans. I created a large-scale poster series of information graphics that explores the main cultural characteristics and statistics of the parishes in Louisiana of which I was raised. The series contains two types of graphics, a website, and a QR code system. A QR code is a matrix barcode that is readable by QR scanners, mobile phones with cameras, and smartphones. The QR codes I created link the viewer to specific websites related to the information on display. The placement of the QR codes brings in a useable application to the design. The two types of graphics consist of one being purely illustrative and the other based off-of statistics and graphs. The illustrations contain iconographic designs that focus on the main attractions and cultural icons of the city, while the other information systems are based on statistics such as the parish's population, income, sales, and land area. I focused on the three main parishes where I was raised for the statistical infographics. They were all based on the same information so that they are easily comparable to one another. The system I developed is large in scale, filled with visual abstractions, and allows for communication between the diagram and the audience. It is very important to me that my audience can visually enjoy my work and has the opportunity to interact with it as well. I have created graphic visual representations of data that present complex information rapidly and clearly. My work has allowed me to cross language barriers and inform viewers on the history of Louisiana.
Mullins, Kelly Michelle, "Where y'at" (2014). LSU Master's Theses. 2867.