text:
**Table of Contents**

Table of Contents

Cover

Other books by Bonnie Kaye

Introduction

Chapter 1: Why Do Good Women Make Bad Choices?

Chapter 2: Sexuality

Chapter 3: Can A Man Change or be "Trained"?

Chapter 4: Men Who Are Bad Risks in Relationships

Chapter 5: The Issue of Self-Esteem and Sexual Esteem

Chapter 6: The Prototype of Woman That A Dysfunctional Man Seeks Out

Chapter 7: Common (Mis)Behaviors to Watch Out For

Chapter 8: Finding the Right Help

Chapter 9: How to Become Your Own ManReader

Chapter 10: Some Final Postscripts

Additional Reading

Signs of Cheating

Emotional Abuse

Sexual Esteem

The Problem of Communication

About the Author

Back cover

ManReaders

A Woman's Guide

to Dysfunctional Men

by

Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.

CCB Publishing

British Columbia, Canada

ManReaders: A Woman's Guide to Dysfunctional Men

Copyright © 2012 by Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.

ISBN-13: 978-1-927360-71-2

Second Edition

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Kaye, Bonnie, 1951-

ManReaders [electronic resource] : a woman's guide to dysfunctional men / by Bonnie Kaye. – 2nd ed.

Electronic monograph in PDF format.

ISBN 978-1-927360-71-2

Also available in print format.

1. Mate selection.

2. Man-woman relationships. I. Title.

HQ801.K395 2012 646.7'7 C2012-904060-6

Cover artwork by: Robert Lesser

Extreme care has been taken to ensure that all information presented in this book is accurate and up to date at the time of publishing. Neither the author nor the publisher can be held responsible for any errors or omissions. Additionally, neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the express written permission of the publisher.

Publisher:

CCB Publishing

British Columbia, Canada

www.ccbpublishing.com

This book is dedicated to:

My Mother who inspired me to take chances and be my best,

My Soulmate who has taught me how to build my self-esteem to new heights,

And to the many millions of women throughout the world who suffer from Low Self-Esteem.

**Other books by Bonnie Kaye**

The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder

Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages

Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives

Straight Wives: Shattered Lives (Volume 1)

Straight Wives: Shattered Lives (Volume 2)

Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk

How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths About Straight Wives

and

La Lista de Control para Esposos Gay Y Para Mujeres Que se Preguntan

Spanish edition of

The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder

**Introduction**

I have been practicing relationship counseling since 1984. I have worked with more than 76,000 women who wasted too many of their best years on men who were unworthy of their love and affection. Sadly, this is not an isolated situation. In fact, it is more common to find unfulfilled relationships even in our society where women have choices to end them as opposed to cultures that do not allow a marriage to end.

When a woman finds herself in this dilemma, the most common question that people ask her is, "Didn't you know what he was like before you were involved/living/married to him?" I believe that in almost all cases, women did **NOT** know what was lurking inside of the hearts or heads of the men they trusted with their lives, happiness, and futures. This is because women, by nature, are far more trusting and believing than men. That is a fact.

Women who are giving, caring, and nurturing often end up with guys who are jerks. Unfortunately, this is human nature. These qualities attract men who are takers - in addition to men who are outright predators. Men like these drain every ounce of emotion out of you, leaving you susceptible to becoming a "dishrag" which I define as a woman who has lost her sense of self because her life revolves around taking care of the needs of her man. Whatever it takes to make her man happy, she does. And you know what? No matter how much she devotes her life to making her man happy, it just doesn't happen. He is always complaining, criticizing, and finding fault with her.

Most of the women that I have worked with live in a constant state of gray. There is always a dark cloud hovering over them. The sun isn't shining on any given day because there is constant sense of gloom overhead. And yet they stay in unfulfilling relationships where they "exist" instead of live.

I understand why women stay in debilitating or emotionally destructive relationships. Not only have I worked with thousands of them through the years but I also have lived through this experience during numerous points of my own life. However, it is not my intention to focus on the psychological aspects of why women find and stay in bad relationships. Rather, this is a book to help educate women on what could be contributing to their unhappiness in their marriages/relationships or what to look for before making the next mistake in a future one. It will also hopefully help you to build up the strength to walk away before being dragged down one more time. Although we all say, "This will never happen again," it does - and sometimes over and over again - IF YOU ALLOW IT TO because you haven't really learned from your past mistakes in order _not_ to repeat them.

All relationships with a man have a major impact on a woman's life. Once you are together, much of what happens in your future depends on how he treats you. In order to have the best chance at success in the future, you need to find a man who is emotionally, mentally, and sexually healthy. You also have to make sure that you both have common value systems when it comes to love, passion, intimacy, mutual respect, and sexual compatibility. If this sounds like a lot, well, it is. But it's the least you need to make a relationship work in a happy and fulfilling way. _U_ _nhealthy_ _men_ in any of these areas will never allow you to grow and thrive as a woman.

No relationship is perfect all of the time. There are always bumps along the road because that is human nature. But if you have the basic ingredients for a good relationship, those bumps will be nothing more than that - bumps - as opposed to quicksand or a mudslide where you are sucked in and destroyed.

Although this may seem like common sense, why do so many women still make poor choices when entering relationships? What are they missing when they are getting to know a man? What questions _aren't they asking_ up front, and what answers _aren't they listening_ to? Why do they ignore the red flags in the beginning only to be devastated down the road?

This book will give you the information for making better decisions for your future choices. I will focus on giving you the information that will show you when to **STOP** before you **BEGIN** to spiral downwards unable to catch yourself until you crash into a cement wall.

It is also my hope that if you are in an unrewarding relationship, you will find the courage, support, and help you need to gather the strength to leave it. Life is much too short to have to waste time being unhappy. Start by repeating my personal mantra daily:

"Life was never meant to be this complicated. Period!"

**Chapter 1**

Why Do Good Women Make Bad Choices?

I have spent my entire lifetime fighting the chronic disease of **Low Self Esteem** **(LSE),** a common disorder shared by many millions of women. Although I have spent years studying this topic, I still haven't concluded how so many of us become part of this large majority. Is it nature or nurture? Is it inherent within, or do you develop it depending on your surroundings and circumstances? This subject fascinates me because there are so many variables and possibilities beside the obvious ones.

I have suffered with LSE since childhood. I cannot exactly pinpoint when it started. I had a mother who was extremely beautiful, but I resembled my father's side of the family - the rounded, overweight side. My parents praised me and gave me lots of positive reinforcement when I was young, but that changed as I grew into the awkward adolescent period and became an overweight pre-teenager. I was not overly obese at ten years old, but I was overweight enough to have to shop in the "chubby" departments as they were called in the 1960's. I remember the frustration of trying on the pretty clothes only to find they were not my size or even close to fitting me.

My parents, in their desire to see me thin, took me to a diet doctor at the age of twelve, and this was the beginning of a lifetime of unsuccessful dieting. It also started an inner awareness that being "fat" made me less "desirable." I was never part of any popular crowd, and I always felt left out of the mainstream action. It was a lonely existence for many years which did have a direct effect on the bad choices and mistakes I made in my future years.

As far as the "nurture" aspect of my life, my father was never able to express love and acceptance of me because I was overweight. You may think this is an exaggeration, but it is not. From the age of twelve when my parents decided that I had a weight problem, my father took aggressive action to change it. When the amphetamines that the doctor prescribed for me made me sick because my heart was palpitating and racing, I stopped taking them. Then a new "plan" to help me was initiated. Every Wednesday evening, my father would put me on the scale. If I lost weight or stayed the same, I was safe. If I gained weight, he hit me on my backside with a belt. At this point of my life, I was **10** - **pounds** **overweight**. Every time my father would hit me, he swore he was doing it out of his love for me. His thinking? _Fat was unhealthy - my life would be shortened. Someday I would suffer with all kinds of physical ailments. I would never have the best chance to meet a successful man as long as I was fat_. The list of justifications went on and on, but the pain this caused me both physically and emotionally negated all of his reasons. In reality, I was an embarrassment to my father because he believed it was a reflection of himself.

After two years of my weight going nowhere, my father tried a new strategy. If I did not lose weight, not only would he hit me with the belt, but he would also hit my younger brother, Lance. It was called "collective responsibility." My father thought if I did not love myself enough to lose the weight, maybe I would love Lance enough not to get him hit. You can only imagine the psychological damage done and how it impacted on the relationship between my brother and me.

When I was sixteen, my father walked out on my mother and their five children (I was the oldest) and moved to California with Gloria, his new girlfriend who later became his wife. At the age of 17, my mother sent me to stay with my father because she said my behavior was out of control. _And it was!_ Gloria had a daughter who was my age. Tammy was a **thin,** adorable teenager my age with a nasty personality. My father made it very clear to me that this was what I should strive to look like. Now, at the age of 17½, he felt that I was too old to hit with the belt, so he came up with a different form of punishment. Once a week on Wednesdays he would put me on the scale and if I didn't lose weight, the family would not talk to me for the week except if they had to. I was left at home alone while my father, Gloria, and Tammy went out for dinner. My father made sure to add, "You're too fat for us to be seen with you. Maybe next week you'll try harder." I weighed 130 pounds at that point, but I felt like I was 500 pounds.

How would my life have differed had my father made me feel beautiful instead of ugly? I believe it would have been much better. You see, all of his messages became self-fulfilling prophecies. I became an obese adult by the time I was 21 years old. Food was always immediately comforting. It made me feel good while life disappointed me.

In addition to my father's constant disgust, I had plenty of other reasons not to feel good about myself. For instance, when I was in junior high school at the age of thirteen and throughout high school, I was the girl who was picked last or next to last to be on the sports teams during gym class. I lacked the motor coordination to be effective in sports, and my excess weight slowed down my athletic abilities. It was pretty heartbreaking and humiliating knowing that you would always be the last person chosen for a team.

I was the girl who was never asked to dances or proms. I was the girl who did not have dates on the weekend because the guys I wanted did not want me. They wanted the pretty cheerleaders or the girls who radiated confidence. I was the girl who fell in love so often but always had her heart broken time after time when some girl who was prettier, thinner, or more graceful crossed my path. **Ultimately, I was the girl who was left out.** In hindsight, there were many other girls like me when I was growing up, but that didn't make me feel any better while living it day-to-day. I wanted so badly to be someone worth loving, but that didn't seem within my reach.

Sadly, I was born a romantic which was definitely a downfall in my life because it influenced the poor choices that I made in my future partners. Even as a young child of five or six, I had fantasies about finding someone who would love me. I believed in all of the classic fairy tales and hung on to their words of hope. I was the ugly duckling that would someday turn into the beautiful swan. I wanted someone to fall in love with me and help me live happily ever after. As a teenager, I was always falling in love with someone - mostly someone who was unobtainable to me. So by the time I entered high school, I was determined to change my loneliness. To do this, I learned a new tactic - **SEX**.

When I was growing up, sex was still a taboo word. I was a child in the 1950's when sexual innocence was prevalent. I suspect that sexual activity with teenagers was not nearly as non-existent as we believed, but it was kept quiet and rarely spoken about. If my peers were doing it, they certainly weren't talking about it. **Except me.** I was **_doing it_ and _talking about it or shall I say boasting about it_**. In my desperation to be wanted, I let the most popular guys know that I was available - for sex. I was able to attract the best athletes and the most handsome ones. I was never seen in public with them, but I felt a twisted sense of importance nonetheless. These guys publicly went with the girls who looked down on me because I wasn't thin enough or beautiful enough to be friends with. But in my own distorted thinking, this was my way of feeling that I had a part of their boyfriends that they didn't have.

My feelings of worthlessness were epitomized by my promiscuous behavior. Sex was a tool. When you're 15 or 16, there is not much you can understand about sex. If it feels good, it's good; if it's not great, it's not great. It was a physical function to fulfill an emotional need rather than a part of a loving, caring relationship. The sexual act meant little to me compared to the emotional boost. My values were so screwed up by this point. I was just so desperate to be wanted, it didn't matter how or how belittling it was in reality. When I turned eighteen, I continued this destructive pattern by choosing married men to have sex with. They seemed very available and willing. Once again, my self-worth was so minimal that I thought it was wonderful that men with wives chose to have sex with me instead of their own wives. It helped me to feel "validated" as a woman, when in truth and retrospect, **I was pathetic.**

At the age of nineteen, I left California and moved back to Philadelphia and into my own apartment. Several months later, I met a man, Danny, who was 23. After three chance meetings at the corner bar where I practiced being "of age" while I was a minor, he became my "live-in roommate" for the next three years. Of all of the relationships throughout my life, this one best illustrates my lowest level of self-esteem.

Several months before we met, Danny had arrived home from active duty in Viet Nam after being wounded by shrapnel. He was living with his family but looking to move out. I offered to share my apartment with him. Back in 1969, people took more chances on virtual strangers than they do today!

I was not sure what kind of arrangement Danny was looking for, platonic or romantic, but after spending our first night together with me sleeping in his arms, I knew what I was looking for. Within days, I was falling in love with this handsome man who made me feel "wanted." I think back to how little it took for me to feel "validated" as a woman back then. Here was a man who was _willing_ to "live" with me. It didn't cross my mind that he was willing to live " _off of me_." In the past, most of my encounters had been based on "meet and sleep" with just a few short-term boyfriends along the way. Moving in with me represented a "commitment."

Danny had limited financial resources, but who cared? He liked me! I had an apartment that was big enough for both of us. He was only working once or twice a week as a bartender, but that was fine with me. He may not have been contributing anything to our living expenses, but he also was not taking anything from me. That made it okay in my mind.

I spent the next three years of my life with this man who gave me nothing emotionally and financially. Sexually, we were in synch. But sex is not enough of a reason to stay in a meaningless relationship. I was financially supporting him by buying the food and paying the bills, but I justified it by telling myself that if you really love someone, what you have is his. I read an article in a romance magazine about helping a man when he was down, and it helped to justify my own life.

At least three nights a week, Danny was out with his friends at the local bar, coming home drunk after 1:00 a.m. I learned to accept that this was his way of life and excused his actions by thinking he was trying to forget the horrors of Viet Nam. During the summers, he would leave for the New Jersey shore with his friends every weekend and return two or three days later. I really hated it because I was never invited, but it wasn't as if I ever had much of a say in this relationship. If I would have said, "Don't go," I feared he would have said goodbye to me.

I was in charge of doing the laundry, and when emptying Danny's pockets, I occasionally found matchbook covers with girls' names and phone numbers written on them. He always had an explanation that I wanted to believe. **Women like me are so easily appeased - and grateful - when they are living in denial.** All explanations and denials of wrong-doing are appreciated - no matter how unbelievable they are. Danny had a previous girlfriend, Mary Ellen. He had told me about their past together early in our relationship and mentioned how she had left him for someone else. He claimed that he had not seen her since he returned from the war, and I was happy to hear it because I had this terrible fear that she might want him back.

My lowest point in this pathetic relationship came at the end of our second year. A mutual friend of ours mentioned to me that he had seen Danny at a restaurant with Mary Ellen. I was crushed because I believed he was cheating on me. I envisioned them dancing together in each other's arms, leading right to her bed. When he came home later that evening, I confronted him. He was very angry that I was accusing him and decided to leave. As he packed his bags, I fell to the floor and grabbed his leg, begging him not to leave. I was crying and begging. Can you imagine? **I felt I deserved so little, and I was willing to settle for even less.** He agreed to stay, but he knew from that point on, he could do what he wanted, and I would keep my mouth shut in fear of his leaving me.

Miraculously, after spending one more year of letting Danny use me, I started to believe that my life was worth more than he was giving me. Finally, I said goodbye to bad news. This time I packed his bags and left them outside the door. After getting emotionally slapped down for three years, I was ready to hang on to what little self-respect I had left.

This relationship may have been my most pitiful, but I had a string of future ones that were also destructive, including two marriages. They were all damaging to different degrees and in different ways. The bottom line is that **I made poor choices** based on what I thought I needed - namely a man who would love me. I was hoping against all logic that I would live happily ever after. Even if there were glitches starting off in the relationship, with time and love, I was sure they would fade away.

MISTAKE NUMBER ONE: If you walk into a relation-ship where there are problems that haven't been resolved, they won't be resolved after you are in the relationship, and you will _never_ live happily ever after.

Women believe that if they keep working hard enough to change a man, he will change. I constantly work with women who throw away valuable years of their lives trying to make a man into the prince of her dreams. If she loves a the man ENOUGH, if she is good ENOUGH to him, if she nurtures him ENOUGH, if she devotes her life to him ENOUGH, then he is going to miraculously change into the man she wants. History proves this just doesn't happen. Women need to know when to cut their losses and then MOVE ON. **Anyone can make a mistake getting into the wrong relationship, and there is no shame in this.** The **shame is not correcting it** and staying with the wrong partner for too many years, and in many cases, the rest of your life.

Even though I made poor choices in most of my relationships, I prided myself in knowing when to cut my losses. In comparison, I've counseled thousands of women who languished in destructive relationships for years - the type of relationships that squeeze every bit of life out of their souls. They were in relationships with men who exhibit sexual dysfunction, emotional detachment, physical violence, control-ling behavior, narcissism, mental illness, and codependency.

We are living in a society that is still dominated by male thinking. That is why women believe that they are stuck together with a man for richer or poorer, in good health and in bad, and whatever else those male-designed marriage vows would like us to think. If a marriage or relationship is not working out, more likely than not, the woman will stick in there and look _inward_ to find the problem, when most of the time, she needs to look _outward_ \- namely at the man's faults.

No matter how lonely you are, finding the wrong match will not change those feelings and make you feel better. In fact, they will only intensify your loneliness and take you to a darker place than you are in now. That's why in the chapters ahead, I will teach you how to make better choices in finding a man by giving you tips on how to become your own "ManReader."

**Chapter 2**

Sexuality

Sexuality is an important part of life that is highly underrated by too many women. Although the media has us believing that we live in a sexually driven society, sex is not approached as it should be by many couples. They assume that when a woman and man are together over a period of time, the passion that was once ignited will fizzle out. This assumption is based on the reality of many couples who respond by saying that sex is the part of a relationship that takes the least amount of time. And after being together for a long time, what is sex anyway?

For 28 years, I have done relationship counseling and coaching with over 75,000 women who married men with specific sexual problems in their marriages - the problems included homosexuality, bisexual, sexual addiction, cross dressers, transgendered or transsexuals. I have also worked with hundreds of women whose husbands have problems other than sexual ones, namely abuse, control, narcissism, and codependency. Over the years I have formulated my points of view based on my own personal experiences and those of thousands of others. Here is what I have learned.

Sexuality is one of the most important parts of any woman's identity. Having **high sexual-esteem** is an essential part of **high self-esteem**. Why does this seem to be confusing for some women? They are hammered from an early age that sex is forbidden, taboo, ugly, or dirty. Some women are taught that sex is for the purpose of having children, not for enjoyment. Many times religious teachings and cultural traditions are responsible for taking away what was given to us - the right to make love and enjoy it. Sadly, just as many men are socialized in the same way. They do not believe that women should enjoy sex - they just believe that sex is a commodity for their own personal satisfaction, as if it is their right to relieve or please themselves. This is not sex; rather, **this is a disgrace** _._

Sexuality is one of the most difficult subjects for women to discuss with their men. I believe the main reason that we don't speak about it is because so many of us are _sexually mutated or sexually dead_ during and after our marriages. We have lost our sexual esteem by being made to feel as if our wants and desires are not important. Women easily develop a sense of shame and embarrassment when their internal feelings of sexual worth are torn down layer by layer. In order to understand how women relate to sexuality, allow me to digress and give a historical perspective.

In the 1960's when I was in my teenage years, the sexual revolution was in full force. Sex was definitely the "in thing" by the time I reached my late teens. As I mentioned earlier, in 1968, at the age of 17, I moved - or was "shipped" - to California to live with my father. He had relocated there after he abandoned my mother a year earlier. This was during a period of time and in a place where there were no limits - on anything. The drug revolution was in full swing. Everything and anything was acceptable when it came to sex. In California, sex was abundant. It was not uncommon to see adults being invited to sex "orgies" in the most affluent of neighborhoods.

As teenagers, we took advantage of our raging hormones and had sex to make ourselves feel good. Back then there was no AIDS. The worst that could happen was a sexually transmitted disease that was treated with a week's worth of penicillin. I remember going to those free clinics that were jammed with people awaiting an impersonal and often painful gynecological examination to determine if it was syphilis or gonorrhea. We all breathed in a sigh of relief when it was gonorrhea. There was actually no shame or embarrassment when a sexual partner called you to inform you about a "problem." You just picked yourself up, went to the clinic, and took care of it. We were the "love children" generation because we were sexually liberated. No hang-ups, no inhibitions. Sex became a recreational activity.

By the time I moved back to Philadelphia in 1970, the East Coast was getting in synch with the West Coast. It was not unusual for people to have very casual one night sexual encounters with no emotional attachments. The younger generation knew that **sex** was no longer a forbidden word, and people were talking about how wonderful it was to have "great sex."

With the woman's movement fighting for equality, sex was one of the benefits of that struggle. Women were no longer just recipients of men's natural functions. We wanted to be fulfilled and satisfied. We wanted our needs be acknowledged. Women would no longer stand for men just jumping on top of them and getting their kicks. Now there was going to be an exchange of mutual pleasure. Women wanted orgasms just like their male counterparts.

It took men time to catch on to this to this sexual revolution. They had been spoiled throughout history thinking they could just do it when they wanted it and how they wanted it. And it wasn't their fault entirely either. They did not have teachers to tell them that it was their job to make a woman feel as satisfied as they were feeling. They now had to learn.

One of the great benefits of the sexual revolution was that it gave women a forum to learn about sexual behavior. Not all women were participating in this new sexual freedom, but at least they were hearing the talk. They learned that there were expected "norms" when it came to sex, and their sex lives were falling short of having them. It made many of these women start to wonder what was wrong in their relationships/marriages.

While there were women who did not have a problem communicating what they wanted to their lovers, I - _like many women -_ did. It was so difficult for me to tell a man this kind of information because it is so personal. I worried that my lover would take it as criticism or an insult. What man wants to be told that he is not a great lover? What man's ego is strong enough to _not_ take this personally and feel rejected? And yet, I was selfish enough for myself to know that I could never last in a relationship without feeling satisfied sexually - at least sometimes.

One thing that makes it so difficult to express sexual dissatisfaction with a man is the fear of the repercussions when he responds back to you. Here are some of the rebound comments that I have personally heard:

One response _: **"I've never had any woman complain before**_."

Our translation of his reaction: " **Maybe I'm just too sexually demanding** _."_

Another response **: "That's ridiculous. I've never been with a woman before who needed me to do that to feel satisfied."**

Our translation of his reaction: " **It is me - not him** **. I'm too pushy, aggressive, demanding in bed."**

How ridiculous is it to know that you are not being sexually satisfied only to have the tables turned around making the problem **you?** And yet, when men react in an aggressive manner, we internalize that **we are the problem**. After working with thousands of women, I know that I am not alone in feeling this way.

It is hard to believe, but even today, in 2012, many women are still not sexually experienced and do not understand sex. Here is one of my theories why. Where the sexual revolution was in full swing during the 1960's and 1970's, it went on a sharp decline by the 1980's. A new sense of morality was brought about in the face of the newly developed disease AIDS that swept through the country. When people learned that sex could be a death sentenced, they were more comfortable saying _"no thanks"_ than _"yes."_ The practice of multiple sex partners lost its popularity. The message was loud and clear - the safest sex was **no sex.**

Women began to wait longer than in the past before entering into sexual relationships. They spent more time getting to know their men before jumping into bed with them. Many held out for marriage to make sure that they would avoid dealing with this deadly disease and then demanded proof from their mates through blood tests long before it became a law for all marriages. Other sexually transmitted diseases started to develop and increase at the same time. None of them had the fatal consequences of AIDS, but they were still horrible. Herpes became a popular sexually transmitted disease that could not be resolved by a dose of antibiotics. Once you had it, you were stuck with it for life. Hepatitis which could also lead to death became common. And so the previous years of sexual revolution came to a dead halt, and women waited for marriage or strictly limited their sexual activity to longer term relationships.

AIDS also created mass hysteria when it was first discovered. All fingers pointed to homosexuals, and homo-phobia was greatly heightened in this country. Very little was known about this deadly disease at first other than it was killing gay men by the thousands. In the early years, it was nicknamed "The Gay Disease." Straight people felt a false sense of security in the beginning because they didn't hear about straight people getting infected or dying. And later on when straight people started dying from AIDS, it was because they were infected with "gay blood" during a transfusion in surgery or when transfused for hemophilia. And when straight men who didn't need blood transfusions started dying from AIDS, it was because they were with prostitutes who gave it to them. These prostitutes were drug addicts and contracted this disease through shared needles. And then IV drug users who weren't prostitutes were coming down with AIDS. As long as society's "undesirables" were the ones getting infected, people did not seem too concerned about finding a cure.

AIDS hysteria was everywhere. Misinformation was rampant and paranoia was at an all-time high. Back in the 1980's, one of the most popular shows on television was the soap-style drama Dynasty. I remember when the movie star Rock Hudson was diagnosed with AIDS, and society was so worried about Linda Evans, his female co-star, because he kissed her during a segment of the show _._ They feared that she was put at risk from the kiss and could be infected with AIDS from that love scene. People thought that AIDS was airborne and warned you not to get too close to gay people without risking your life. Drinking from the same cup or using the same towel was enough to send someone into a panic.

And so throughout the mid-1980's and early 1990's, our once "everything goes" society reverted back to a modern day Victorian age where women were wearing chastity belts that were tightly buckled _. "Say No To Sex"_ became a popular slogan - and women were taking it seriously. They didn't want to take a chance of dying a horrible death in return for a hot time in bed.

Sexual attitudes not only changed in the general public, but also throughout churches all over America. This now became a new morality issue. And so, once again, sex took one giant step backwards and the sexual revolution movement was nothing more than a vague memory.

By the late1990's, sexual attitudes started changing again - for the better. AIDS was no longer a death sentence because all kinds of modern drugs were helping people live with this illness. AIDS/HIV infected people were having a better quality of life. With persistence in taking and monitoring medication, they could lead fulfilling lives with increased life spans. Thus, people got bolder once again with their sex lives. There was no public sexual revolution like the 1960's, but sex was not "taboo" anymore.

This certainly was a positive step forward. Why you may ask? Because one of the most important lessons that I have learned in my counseling is this:

The less sexual experience you have, the more likely it is that you will have a problem finding a suitable sexual partner.

That's a fact. Men who are sexually dysfunctional can sense when a woman has limited sexual experience and they search them out like vultures seek out a dead carcass.

If you are not sexually experienced, you may not have an idea of what I am taking about. This is the problem with innocent, unsuspecting women. They don't know what a "Sexual Norm" is because they don't have enough experience with men to compare it with.

So, here is some sad news, ladies. Not all men have the potential to be good lovers nor will they ever satisfy your sexual needs. It's a fact. There are plenty of men who lack technique. Their intentions may be good, but that is where it ends. _They are duds in bed._ Of course, a man who is willing to try is always better than one who has no interest at all due to his own sexual hang-ups. And ladies, beware. I have worked with so many different kinds of sexual problems through the years that you would be shocked to hear them.

To give you an idea of the problems that millions of women innocently walk into, here is the list with some realities you need to know about.

Sexual Orientation – Gay/Bisexual

This may seem inconceivable, but there is an estimated 4 million gay men who are or have been married to straight women in this country. You ask, "Why would a gay man want to marry a woman? " Simple. He is hoping that if he loves his straight wife enough, he won't be gay anymore. At least 20% of gay men are able to "perform" heterosexual sex when they are in their teens, 20's, and sometimes even in their 30's. They can even enjoy it and have an orgasm. That's because their testosterone is at a very high level and any kind of sex feels good. Add that to the hope of possibility that they really aren't gay, and it boosts their performance levels for a while.

But as they get older, that changes. Their true sexual and emotional needs eventually surface, and no matter how much they love their wives, they feel unfulfilled. Their need to have male bonding takes over, and they often leave their wives and families to find that fulfillment.

Unfortunately, that is not the case all the time. Some men will continue living in a straight marriage no matter how miserable they are because they don't want to deal or accept the fact that they are gay. They still fulfill their gay sexual needs sneaking around on the outside, but they don't develop any kind of emotional attachment to men because in their own minds, that would make them "gay." They justify their indiscretions this way. These men are never going to admit that they are gay, no matter how much proof you have. They will turn the tables on you and make you feel that _you_ are the inadequate one in the marriage. Chances are your sex life has become non-existent, but your husband will make sure that you feel responsible for that. If only you weren't _so pushy.... so demanding.... so uncaring.... so sloppy.... so fat.... etc., etc_., etc. There is plenty of blame coming out of his mouth - all aimed at _you._ The truth is, you just have the wrong plumbing. There is nothing wrong with you - it's him.

And then there are several million men who call themselves "bisexual." In almost ALL cases, bisexual is nothing more than a more chic way of saying "Gay." It is a lot easier to say bisexual than gay, which is why so many gay married men use that expression. If someone is truly "bisexual," then he should feel satisfied having sex with either a man or a woman. If he is married, his wife should satisfy his sexual needs. But she doesn't. HE WANTS A MAN. To me, this means he is gay. I always say the "penis" is the dividing line. If a man thinks about it, looks at it, fantasizes about it, or touches it - it's gay. The gay men who use that word think that a trendy word like "bisexual" will be more acceptable to their wives, families, friends, employers - and of course, themselves. Well, it's not. A better word for this is "Limbo Man." These are men who are emotionally straight but sexually gay and caught in-between both worlds, never finding real happiness in either one. The bottom line - call it whatever you want. But do you want to live with a man who wants to have sex with men? Do you feel like building a life with a man who can never make you feel like you truly are his first choice? Nothing is more debilitating to a woman than feeling that she is not worthy as a sexual partner. It not only robs you of your self-esteem, but also your sexual esteem.

Sexual Orientation – Transsexual/Transgender

This situation is far less common than gay men who get married; however, it is estimated that there are over 20,000 transgendered men living in marriages with women. A transgendered man is one who believes he is a woman living in a man's body. Transgendered men often come to terms with themselves in their late 20's or early 30's. They know from the time that they are children that they feel "different," even if they can't define what it is. Some of them make the life-changing decision to transform into a woman which means they are now "transsexuals." This happens over a period of time and starts with intensive counseling, then hormonal treatments and ultimately ends with reconstructive surgery, removing the penis and having it restructured into a vagina. The marriage often is over from the early stages of the hormonal changes.

Some transgendered men continue living in their marriages and live out their fantasies without their wives finding out. They do other things to satisfy their needs and fantasies such as hair removal and cross dressing. They usually have poor sexual relationships with their wives. I counseled a man like this a few years ago. His wife was totally unaware that her husband was transgendered. He would shave his body hair and pose in women's lingerie and have professional pictures taken by a photographer who catered to transgendered people. He didn't have sex with his wife - and no doubt - had her believing there was something wrong with her as he carefully hid his identity. He wasn't looking for sex with a man either and didn't identify as gay. Most of his sexual activity was masturbation while he looked at pictures of himself.

After spending several hours working with him, I strongly urged him to tell his wife why he didn't want to make love to her - or why he didn't want her to be with him sexually. Sadly, he stopped seeing me when I kept bringing up the same subject. He wasn't ready to leave his marriage. I questioned him, "What marriage?" I refused to call him by his female name "Sherry" because I wasn't going to encourage his behavior unless he was honest with his wife.

These men live tortured lives - but so do their families. They are too busy fantasizing about their other identity that they seldom have time to recognize the needs of members of their families. They truly are caught between two different worlds but always trying to keep track of their lies needed to survive in the straight world.

Sexual Fetishes

Sexual fetishes refer to being sexually aroused by an object instead of a living thing. When man has a fetish, it is a form of mental disorder because he cannot experience true sexual fulfillment or arousal unless he has these specific objects to sexually stimulate him. Fetishes range from the mild to the extreme. Some men are happy just to wear a feminine object like women's underwear or pantyhose. Others go far beyond this.

In my research, men with fetishes who marry seldom have satisfying sexual relationships with their wives. It is not uncommon for the sex to be very infrequent and unfulfilling to both partners. Men who have fetishes have a difficult time keeping an erection. They also have a difficult time developing a sense of intimacy in the relationship. It is estimated that one out of 30 men has some kind of fetish. Chances are, if you meet enough men, you will run into one of them. And be assured that these men do not sit and give away their secrets in the beginning. They are going to hide their obsessions until they feel you are in love with them enough to overlook or accept them. They work very hard to keep their secret a secret from you, fearing you will run the other way once you learn about it.

Women often say to me, "I am not comfortable living with this." I can understand that. Not many women could be comfortable with their soulmate wearing ruffles, heels, fur costumes, or diapers even in the privacy of their own home. Most of these men need these "props" to become sexually aroused or turned on. For many women it is a turn off. But some women could not care less, and in fact, embrace their husbands' whims. It is all up to what you are willing to live with and accept. But if you cannot accept it, then leave. Fetishes are deeply rooted with little chance for change. So if you think your husband can change - you're wrong.

To give you a better understanding, here are some examples of common fetishes:

Sexual Fetish – Cross-dressing

Amazingly, 90% of men who cross dress ARE NOT GAY. Shocked? So was I when I first learned about it many years ago. I was always under the impression that men who wore women's clothing were gay. That is the stereotype that we are used to seeing in the media. I later learned that most men who wear women's garments do not do it because of their sexuality - they are sexually aroused by wearing women's clothing. You see, unlike transgendered men who want to be women, cross dressers are happy being men and do not want to change that. But if you are their size, expect them to be borrowing your clothes and/or shoes. If they are not your size, they will be happy to go clothes shopping with you so you can be their cover.

Sexual Fetishes – Foot Fetish/Shoe Fetish/Boot Fetish

It may seem odd to categorize "feet" in the fetish arena since I just stated that fetishes revolve around inanimate objects. But since many people who have a foot fetish also have a shoe fetish, I am leaving it in this category. I have worked with some men who have this particular fetish. They are obsessed with looking at women's feet. This is their sexual turn-on. They are unable to get sexually aroused unless it's by a pair of shoes or feet.

These men can also get sexually aroused by sucking on your toes which may or may not be a turn on to you. But without this form of arousal, the foot fetish man will not be able to have successful sex with you. A boot fetish is closely related to the shoe fetish. Men who are sexually aroused by high-heeled shoes often feel the same about high-heeled boots. Some men also have a fetish from the materials that boots are made from such as leather or latex. And it's not quite as simple as you may think. There are various lengths of boots from ankle to mid-calf to high boots which men get fixated on.

Stockings/Pantyhose Fetish

A stocking fetish is a sexual fetish relating to women's stockings. Stocking fetishists usually find sexual partners clothed in sheer nylon or silk stockings to be sexually stimulating, or find the act of a person donning or removing a pair of stockings arousing. Some men find it arousing to collect and wear stockings, sometimes hidden under a pair of trousers. Of course, in the modern era we are living in, pantyhose fetishes have greatly replaced the stocking fetish. In fact, many males prefer pantyhose over stockings because they are in direct contact with female genitalia. This heightens the fantasy for men to get sexually aroused.

Panties Fetish

Panty fetishism is a sexual fetish relating to women's panties. It usually starts with the person looking or touching women's underwear and fantasizing about women wearing the garment. After imagining, they move on to the second stage which usually means masturbation into a pair of panties. There are also men who enjoy women's underwear. They feel it brings out the "feminine side" of them. It's not necessarily a "sex thing," but more of an emotional need.

Schoolgirl Uniform Fetish

A schoolgirl uniform fetish is a sexual fetish in which someone derives sexual pleasure from viewing others dressed like schoolgirls or someone enjoys dressing in the typical uniform of a schoolgirl. In pornography, the typical uniform is described as a Catholic school uniform. It usually includes a pleated skirt similar to those which actual schoolgirls wear for school. Usually the ones used in porno are cut much shorter to increase the sexual appeal of the look. Sometimes there is a blazer with a school insignia and a blouse that is usually white. When the shirt is worn without a blazer, it may be knotted at the bottom to show the girl's abdomen.

I recently read that this type of porno is very popular with men who enjoy Japanese porno. Interestingly, I saw the movie "Kill Bill" which was a very violent movie. In the movie, one of the trained female killers was wearing the school girl uniform complete with the school insignia. I assume that the imagery of young Asian women wearing schoolgirl uniforms creates the ultimate submission fantasy to men.

Leather Fetish

A leather fetish refers to the attraction to people wearing leather or in certain cases, to the garments themselves. The smell of the leather and the creaking noises it makes is often an erotic stimulus for people who have this fetish. It is not unusual for people with this disorder to become very turned on by leather uniforms. This combination of leather and the uniform symbolizes authority and power.

People who are into sexual bondage are often into leather because they are attracted to the tight fit of it or get stimulated sexually by bondage equipment such as whips and restraints made out of leather.

Spandex Fetish

A Spandex fetish is an attraction to people wearing stretch fabrics or to the garments themselves. Wearers of skin-tight nylon and cotton spandex garments can appear naked which can be a sexual turn-on. Sometimes the tightness of the garments may also be seen as sexual bondage"). Another reason is that nylon-spandex fabric is often produced with a very smooth and silk-like finish, which feels smooth and erotic, and it provides a visual turn-on as well.

On a side note, I only learned in recent years the connection between comic book heroes and sexual fantasies in a variety of the fetish categories. All of those years while I was reading Superman comic books growing up, I never connected them as being sexual. However, for some men, this became their first sexual fantasies. In comic books, super heroes and super villains are generally depicted as wearing costumes made of spandex or a similar material. The super heroines always wear skintight, very flashy, and bright-colored costumes that usually cover only just enough of the female body to be presentable. Fantasies involving superheroes or the wearing of superhero costumes is commonly associated with the spandex fetish.

Latex/PVC

A Latex fetish is the attraction to people wearing latex clothing or just to the garments themselves. Sometimes this is called " **rubber fetishism"** because latex is closely related to rubber. Rubber is usually thicker and less shiny. Latex or rubber fetishists sometimes refer to themselves as " **Rubberists**."

A PVC fetish is closely related to the latex one and refers to shiny clothes made of the synthetic plastic polyvinyl chloride which is similar to another fetish material - patent leather. The Latex fetish often involves dressing up in the material or looking at it worn by sexual partners. Men with this fantasize about wearers of skin-tight or other latex garments, such as scuba divers and workers wearing industrial protective clothing.

For men who are into the domination/submission scene, the women who are dominatrix often wear a skin-tight latex or PVC suit which is usually black which further peaks the sexual arousal.

Fur Fetish

Fur fetishism is a fetishistic attraction to people wearing fur, or in certain cases, to the garments themselves. I must admit I don't get this fetish at all. Although people who are "Furries" claim that they enjoy dressing up as animal characters because it is "fun," there are those who find it sexually stimulating. If you look on line for Furries, you will see a number of sexual sites related to this fetish. One woman whom I was counseling several years ago told me that her husband developed this fetish. The only time he was able to have sexual relations with her was when he was dressed in his fur costume. He was a member of a club for Furries, and when he would come home after a meeting, he was aroused and wanted to have sex with her - but only in his fur costume. The costumes were very expensive, and they were made with appropriate holes in the right places to allow for sexual relations. She tried her best, but she was totally turned off to the experience. He couldn't change - or wouldn't change. She ended up leaving the marriage.

Diaper Fetish/Infantilism

A "Diaper Lover" is a person who feels a strong desire to wear or use diapers without a physical need to wear them such as incontinence. This is different from infantilism which is a totally different fetish. Men into infantilism are obsessed with returning to babyhood in ways other than by wearing diapers. Sometimes they are discussed together, but they are not the same.

Infantilism is where a man has the fantasy of being an infant or small child, giving him the feeling of sexual innocence and lack of power. This is more of a psychological fetish. These men's fantasies involve diapers, baby clothes, and toys. Men with this disorder want women to cuddle them while they explode in baby talk such as, "Ga-ga-goo-goo." In this fetish, there is more of a role play. The man likes to be around a woman where he can be the baby.

The diaper lover, on the other hand, is a sexual fetish. Men who are into this fetish are looking to have an orgasm and ejaculate into a diaper. This is more of a sexual activity done alone.

By the way, there is a name for people with this disorder. DL's are diaper lovers, and AB's are adult babies.

When I plugged in the information to research this information, I found a website called BabyClub – A Club for Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers. The site advertises over 4,500 men who are registered to this site. Once again, I'm not judging - I'm just wondering. I'm wondering how women cope with this behavior, but some do. In fact, a sex therapist recently told me that this is the most harmless of fetishes and she rather enjoys it.

Several years ago, I had a woman come to my on-line support session one evening. She was very distraught because her husband was claiming to be bi-sexual. She explained that he was into infantilism. I asked her what was involved with this. She explained that he became sexually stimulated by wearing diapers and having baby powder put all over his front and back private parts. I told her how horrible that must be, but she wasn't upset about that - she was upset he was bi-sexual. She claimed the fetish didn't bother her at all. Different strokes for different folks. The diaper fetish definitely would have bothered me.

Sexual Fetish – Toys

Lots of romantic couples use a variety of ways to spice up their sex life. One way is by using toys. By toys, I mean a selection of vibrators and other sexual objects in various sizes and shapes. Is there something wrong with this? Absolutely NOT - EXCEPT (1) when it is the only way that a man can be stimulated and (2) if the woman IS NOT COMFORTABLE with it. There are men who have erectile dysfunction, and using toys for them may be a solution to satisfying a woman. The important thing is that the man needs to be honest if this is the problem and realize that using toys for sexual fulfillment is a solution for a woman to have a sexually rewarding experience in lieu of no activity. I have women who write to me about the reverse. Their husbands are sexually stimulated by wives using toys on them anally or request they use "strap-on" toys. If this is the only way your husband can enjoy sex, you really have a problem. If you are not comfortable doing this, then DON'T DO IT. Your husband has sexual issues that need to be addressed. It is beyond your ability to change him.

Sexual Deviance – Domination/Submission

This is a scary category that is a world unto itself. I am the first to admit that I never really understood the concept that pain is a sexual turn-on. There are so many different forms of this fetish from mild to extreme. This ranges from females verbally humiliating males to making men into slaves with whips in hand to men tying up women with leather restraints and hitting them. There is lots of psychological mumbo jumbo of why people are turned on by these roles, but the main point is, don't feel compelled to have to participate in this lifestyle.

And it is a lifestyle. People with this common "bond" know where to find each other. They travel in packs and have their own clubs. In fact, this past year, I interviewed a woman on one of my two radio shows who is an author of books on "paddling. I really tried to understand better why people are attracted to this behavior. She explained to me that there are all different levels of this activity, and she was into the lighter version - not the painful one. She also explained that they have clubs for this throughout the country, so people who are into it can find each other. It seems as if they act out stories that lead to light paddling. Then sometimes couples would break off and engage in sexual activities - but not always. She told me that some wives drop off their husbands there because they are not comfortable being part of the "scene." She said that the wives know their husbands are in a safe place and don't mind. Okay.

I am not trying to be judgmental - I just don't understand - never have, never will. I consider myself to be an open, liberal person. But when it comes to pain and deviant humiliation, I'm stumped.

While we are on the subject of pain, there are other forms of humiliation when it comes to domination and submission. This includes "golden showers" where men either urinate on their partner or have their partner urinate on them. I do not think it can get much more humiliating than this, but it does. I have seen documentaries of men wearing latex body suits and walking on all fours while some dominating woman humiliates them. Once again - not judging, but I just don't get it. I also do not want it, and I do not care if I cannot understand it!

Sexual Deviance –

Multiple Sex Partners for Sex, Swinging

Some men cannot find satisfaction with one sex partner, even if it is the woman he loves. In time, he wants more sexual stimulation. So rather than go out and cheat on you, he may ask you to join the party with another man, woman or couple. After all, the more the merrier, right? Wrong. I have met women whose husbands were swingers. They wanted their wives to participate in group sex. The women were half-heartedly convinced by their men that it would enhance the marriage and make things more exciting. Well, guess what? It was a bust. These marriages ultimately fell apart because the wife was not willing to share her husband or herself with other men, women, or couples.

However, there are definitely people who are into this scene. I make no judgment if both parties want to swap and know the agenda going into the relationship. But the problem is that many men are not honest about this upfront. They are hoping that they can manipulate their wives into doing things that are not their nature. They are often successful at least once or twice. After that, the woman cannot deal with it anymore.

Once again, this is not a judgment on this form of sexual behavior. If people have this as a common interest, well, then great. But no woman should feel compelled or convinced to do something that is unnatural to her because her husband makes her feel either inadequate to satisfy him or that the marriage will improve by getting involved in something that is outside the realm of what she morally feels is correct.

Sexual Addictions

Sexual addictions are a constant or escalating pattern of sexual behaviors. When someone has a sexual addiction, this takes priority over everything and everyone in the man's life, even if it means the destruction of a personal relationship or marriage.

There are a variety of addictions that cover this category. They include:

1. Excessive Masturbation

2. Multiple Sex Partners of either sex

3. Pornography on the computer or in bookstores

4. Cyber Sex

5. Phone Sex

Can sex addicts be treated? Well, according to the research, with extensive treatment and the desire to change, maybe. But that is not a real positive "maybe." It's a doubtful "maybe." Most sex addicts, like people with other addictions, do not want to be cured. They say they do, but they don't. Just like people with other addictions such as drug, alcohol, and gambling, the rate of success is very minimal. It is much easier to change yourself than to change someone with this addiction. And even if you think things have become better after your man makes numerous efforts to change including medication, support groups, and years in therapy, he usually relapses, and now you are back where you started.

Sexual Addiction – Masturbation

Now before you say, "DON'T BE RIDICULOUS," because masturbation is a normal function of life, let me explain the difference between sexual addiction masturbation versus normal masturbation.

Masturbation is a normal way for people to relieve sexual tension. From the time we are babies, long before we understand the meaning of sexuality, we touch our sexual body parts because it feels good. As we grow into puberty, we understand how to better manipulate these sexual places to make us feel even better. Sexual needs are normal needs. That is why masturbation is a normal way to fulfill those needs. However, when masturbation goes beyond sexual relief and becomes an every day obsession, it crosses over the line.

My first marriage was to a man, Barry, who had obsessive compulsive behavior. I will talk about some of his other mental problems later on in the book. One of his compulsions was sex. I was 23 years old when we first met. Once we moved the relationship over to the point of "making love," I was very flattered that this tall, handsome man wanted to make love to me two or three times a day. I mean, what more could any obese young woman with very strong hormones ask for? The actual act of intercourse seemed like it would never end. That's because it lasted between a half-hour and forty-five minutes. Once again, at first it was flattering. But after a while, it was, well, for lack of a better word - extremely boring and irritating. I remember going through an embarrassing period of time where in the middle of the act, I'd burst out laughing. This went on for weeks. No matter how I tried to suppress the laughter, after about 20 minutes, the laughter began. Barry was very understanding about the disruptions, but it made me dread the conclusion of every evening.

By our second year together, I made it clear that I was unable to keep up with the constant sex. It was never physically satisfying because it was stiff and mechanical. By that, I mean it was like being with a machine with no technique.

When I declined the ritual, Barry would relieve himself through masturbating. I had no problem with that - at all. This ritual happened every day and sometimes two or three times a day. In our small apartment, I was always able to hear the bed rocking back and forth, as if he were having sex but without me being underneath him. It still took at least a half-hour to forty-five minutes each time, but I busied myself by doing the dishes or watching television. It kept us both happy, and I did not feel so pressured to do something that had become worse than washing the dishes.

This degree of masturbation is classified as a sexual addiction. We did not understand what that was about 30 years ago, but today there is so much more information about these compulsions and addictions. At the age of 23, I was hardly equipped to understand this type of behavior.

I have worked with other people who had obsessive compulsive behavior (OCB). Some of them had sexual compulsive behavior. It's always the same - long lasting and mechanical. This is not an act of making love - it's an act of personal gratification and relief.

Often men who compulsively masturbate have little interest in having sex with a partner. That requires intimacy and giving of oneself which men with this disorder are not interested in doing. I have had hundreds of women write to me about their husbands' habits of masturbation and how bad it makes them feel because their husbands do not desire sex with them. They need to understand it has nothing to do with them - their husbands have a mental problem. I advise these women to move on in their lives to find the fulfillment they deserve.

Sexual Addiction –

Multiple Sexual Encounters with Any Sex

Women who live with sex addicts often do not understand their husbands' sexuality because they are confused by their behaviors. They catch them having sex with men, but then they also catch them having sex with women. Does this mean that they were "bisexual"? No, it means that they have a sexual addiction and cannot control themselves. This is not now and then sex. This is continuous looking at sexual porn, calling sex lines, and meeting people for sexual encounters. There is no emotional tie in here - it's just sex - with anyone and anywhere. Sex addicts confuse you because you cannot understand why they are so willing to have sex with strangers but not with you. That is part of their disorder. Having sex with their spouse may mean making some kind of emotional connection - which just is not happening here. It would not matter how much you want to have sex with the sex addict - you are not part of the addiction. He may fit you in now and then, but you will never be able to satisfy his craving.

Sexual Addiction –

Sex with Strangers in Obscure Places

Although sex addicts do not have emotional ties with the people they choose to have sex with, there are men who go even beyond that point. For instance, for married men looking to have sexual encounters with other men without any strings attached, there are bookstores in every city that have rooms with walls between them. In the walls are holes that are called "Glory Holes." That is where men place their penises and have sex with a stranger on the other side of the wall. There is nothing less personal than this, but some sex addicts do it frequently. Remember, sex addicts do not care whom they have sex with, and it doesn't have to do at all with sexual orientation.

Sexual Addiction - Obsessive Pornography

Studies show that there are approximately 2 million men who are into online pornography.  Cybersex is a term that is used in relation to men who use the Internet for sexual fulfillment. The most common form is the online exchange of pornography in snapshot and video formats. This takes place via e-mail, newsgroups, or home pages. This form of pornography is used just for looking as a way to get aroused.

The second form is live communication such as chat rooms. There are thousands upon thousands of chat rooms for every possible sexual fantasy that a man can have. Often these chat rooms lead to live meetings and sexual activity for the participant - either online or in person. Men actually have sex while sitting at the computer while an unknown stranger "talks" him through it. Of course, there is pornographic software which a cyber-addict can run on the computer and relieve his sexual needs.

Sexual Addiction - Exhibitionism, Voyeurism

There are men who enjoy exposing themselves or get aroused by watching other people have sex. This is the way they achieve true sexual fulfillment. Often, exhibitionists are compulsive about exposing themselves. Sometimes it is in public places like parks where unsuspecting women are now exposed to as man's naked genitals. Exhibitionists get aroused from shocking their victims. They usually complete their excitement by masturbating. These are compulsive behaviors that are very difficult to change.

Sexual Dysfunction – The Madonna/Whore Complex

There are men who are very sexual with their women before marriage and enjoy an active aggressive relationship. The woman is swept off her feet. But once they get married, that ends the sex life. This is called the Madonna/Whore Complex. Experts say this comes from the man having a fixation on his mother since she was his first love object. Such fixated sons become passionate suitors in adulthood, but when the love object becomes his wife and then becomes a mother to his children, unconscious memories of his own abnormally intense relationship with his mother intrude into the relationship. That is when the husband may unconsciously see his wife as his mother and then becomes a reluctant or even impotent lover.

Sexual Dysfunction – Sex from Behind Only

I have women who tell me that the only way their husbands can have intercourse with them is from behind them. There is no foreplay, no intimacy, just pulling the woman back and entering her that way. Some of these women believe that their husbands must be gay because they are only able to have and hold an erection if the man is behind her with no emotional contact. In all of these cases, their husbands have very poor emotional relationships with their wives. It doesn't mean that your husband is gay, but it does mean that he has issues with sex and intimacy. These are men who are controlling and like to make you feel inadequate.

Sexual Incompetence

The next set of problems I have categorized as "Sexual Incompetence" because for one reason or another, men are unable to have fulfilling sex with you.

Sexual Incompetence - Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is the inability of a man to achieve or maintain an erection sufficient to fulfill his needs or those of his partner. Most men experience this at some point in their lives. This can happen for numerous reasons including health issues, conflicts in the marriage, pressure at the job, or any other problems that crop up in the day-to-day living of all people.

There are some men who are impotent and can't obtain or maintain an erection at all, and others who can only maintain a partial or brief erection. Frequent erectile dysfunction can cause emotional and relationship problems and often leads to diminished self-esteem and sexual esteem for both parties. Although there are many reasons for erectile dysfunction, most of them are treatable if a man **WANTS** to do something about it. One study done by the National Institutes of Health in 2002 estimated there are 15 to 30 million men in the United States who experience **chronic** erectile dysfunction. Yes, that is a lot of men. Sadly, so many women feel that it's their fault when it has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Sexual Incompetence – No Foreplay, Touching, Kissing

Women often ask me about men who won't engage in foreplay, meaning kissing, touching, caressing and other forms of sexual arousal. There are many psychological reasons for this, but there is no point in going over all of them. The important thing to know is that these guys who will not touch, kiss, or form an intimate relationship with you are broken men. They don't get fixed. And even if they spend years in therapy trying to fix themselves, those are years of your life that you are putting into a relationship that will most likely have no resolve. Women hang on and hang in hoping that if they love these men enough they will change. Cut your losses. It's just not happening.

Sexual Incompetence – No Technique

This is a sad reality. There are men who just don't have sexual technique. It's not for lack of trying because they do try. But no matter how many attempts they make, they just do not get it because they are lacking where it counts - in the technique. Men have these hang-ups about penis size. They think the bigger the better. Women know this is not the case. Although penis size does count, it is not the primary concern. Knowing how to please a woman involves much more than the size of a penis. It is how to touch, arouse, and bring a woman to absolute excitement before the final event. The guys without technique are not selfish men or uncaring men. They are just not good at making love. If you find that your lovemaking is unsatisfying and that your partner is trying his best, this is something you have to think about before you make a life-time commitment no matter how nice the man is.

Sexual Incompetence –

Sexual Hang-ups from Cultural/Religious Traditions

Many people have distorted views about sex due to religious and cultural beliefs. They are taught from a young age that sex is for a man's pleasure or just for procreation. This is disturbing because something that should be wonderful and beautiful is viewed as shameful or necessary on very limited terms. If your man uses religion as his excuse for not performing, tell him he has a chance to change that. But if he will not or cannot, say goodbye because you will never feel fulfilled.

When you look at all of the sexual diversities and deviances listed above, it really is scary. What is most frightening is that statistics indicate that close to 50% of all men has some kind of sexual problem, hang-up, perversion, or dysfunction. The saddest part of this is that women personalize and internalize these problems believing in time that the failures in their men are _their_ failures. This strips women not only of their sense of self-esteem, but their birth given right of sexual esteem. As women, we all deserve fulfilling lives which include a sexually fulfilling life. We may all have different levels of libidos, but the important thing is to nurture it, not extinguish it. Without the proper sexual partner, you are prone to allowing negative feelings of self-worth filter through into your life.

Sexual Perversion – Sex with Children

This is the greatest fear any mother can have - sexual molestation of her child. And yet, statistics confirm this is very common. I have read studies that 1 out of 4 females and 1 out of 6 males have some kind of sexual exploitation by a man before adulthood. Here are some additional statistics:

1. In 2009, there were over 94,000 cases of substantiated child sexual abuse in the United States.

2. In rapes of children under the age of 12, 90% of the children knew the offender. 43% of these known offenders were family members.

3. 34% of the victims were under age 12.

4. 1 in 4 imprisoned sexual assaulters said the victim was their own child or stepchild.

These are very frightening statistics. Don't forget, these are statistics with substantiated abuse. Professionals believe that the majority of sexual abuse is never reported and that the numbers are at least 10 times higher.

There are many reasons why these cases are not reported. Children are very vulnerable. If the person doing the molesting is a family member, the child may feel a sense of "disloyalty" to the person. Children do not understand someone they love and trust having sex with them. Often the molester is threatening. Sometimes the child is fearful that she or he will be blamed by the mother for the problem, and sadly, this happens because women are so beaten down by these men emotionally, that they live in a state of denial, unable to protect their children.

Child molestation is the one mental disorder that cannot be changed no matter how much therapy someone receives. There is no cure for it, and these men need to be isolated away from society. They will harm your children or the friends of your children if you allow them to stay with you. If you are suspicious, boot them out.

Child molesters are also extremely clever. Due to the seriousness of the nature of this criminal behavior, I would like to sidetrack for a moment to show you that these are not necessarily men leering around the corner watching for children to pass by while they grab them.

Four years ago, Dee came to me for help. We had met each other through professional connections. She was having some reservations about her wonderful, supportive second husband, Walter, because she found him watching "pictures" on the computer of young boys around the age of ten to twelve. She had some concerns, and she discussed it with him. He assured her that this little "problem" was no "problem." The fact that she had two sons from her first marriage who were 9 and 11 was a problem to me. I warned her she was playing with fire.

Dee told me she wasn't really worried because she spoke to an "experienced" counselor in this field who assured her that there are two types of men who fantasize about young boys - those who act on it and those who will never act on it and just look at pictures. The counselor reassured Dee that to her it seemed that Walter's habits were limited to fantasies that he wouldn't act on. I told her that I wouldn't want to make love to a man who had to fantasize about 10-year old boys who in order to get sexually aroused, but she didn't answer.

Sadly, she loved Walter so much because her first husband, the father of her two sons, was a physically abusive alcoholic. Walter was totally the opposite - he was loving, kind, and generous with his time and words. He treated the boys as if they were his own children. In fact, he even coached the boys' little league team and their Cub Scout troop. YIKES! If ever there was a blazing red flag on fire, this was it. No matter what I said, Dee found an excuse to dismiss my warnings.

So then I questioned if things were going so well why she was coming to me to have this conversation. She explained she just wanted to talk to another professional who could reassure her that her husband's behavior was not something she had to worry about.

I met with Dee several times during the next three months. I was unable to give her those reassurances. If anything, I expressed my fear and told her that she was sitting on a time bomb that was waiting to explode. I tried to back her up with the facts and the reality of the situation rather than give her false hope when it came to her children. Actually, I was rather forceful telling her that every time a scout or ball player would be around her husband, he was sexually fantasizing and it was only a matter of time until his fantasies became realities.

Dee was not happy with my responses, and so she said she would keep in touch, but she didn't. I didn't hear from her again until two years later when I received a short email saying:

Dear Bonnie,

I just wanted to let you know that I have split with Walter.

Dee

I called her to check to see if she was alright. She told me she had been in intensive therapy for over three months with a psychiatrist and on medications. She felt too guilty to call me after she found out that Walter had taken her younger son and his friend to a picnic and encouraged both of them to get naked while he masturbated. Even though there wasn't any sexual molestation that she knew of, this was enough to jerk her head out of the sand and open up her eyes. She told Walter to leave and to stay in a hotel until she could sort things out. He begged her for another chance promising to get immediate help. She was about to give in when the older son revealed that Walter had done the same thing to him five or six times while she was at work. Ironically, these boys loved Walter because he treated them so well, and chances are they would not have said anything to Dee at his pleading. But the younger son's friend threatened to tell his parents, so the younger son became afraid they would all be in trouble and told his mother.

The moral of the story? Those naked children porno fantasies started to become a sick reality. I have no doubt in my mind that the actions would have become far more aggressive over time. It wouldn't have been long before Walter moved from masturbating in front of a naked child to touching the child and having the child touch him.

Where women make their mistakes with child sex abusers is not recognizing the signs of the clever predators. These men seek out vulnerable women, in other words women who are single parents and raising children on their own. Men who prefer little boys are smart enough to realize that most women would like their sons to have a positive male role model figure. Many of these men are often in respectable positions such as teachers, sport coaches, camp counselors, and youth workers. They form brotherly or fatherly relationships with the boys and the mothers of the boys. Some bloom into full time relationships and even marriages like Dee and Walter; others are just "mentors" that become involved in the daily day-to-day living situations of the boys. Women are so happy to have a man interested in their child hoping this will help develop a positive male figure where often a father is either missing, incarcerated, or just disinterested.

In the past few years, we have been besieged by headlines about respectable people who have molested children. As a Pennsylvania resident, the news of Jerry Sandusky, a former coach at Penn State University became headline news in 2011 when ten different young adult men accused him of on-going sexual abuse when they were between 10 – 14 years old. Some of the child sexual abuse took place in his basement at his home while his wife was upstairs, as well as at various hotels when he was visiting the Penn State games that were in other areas. People were shocked when this successful high-profile coach was indicted by the Grand Jury. His crimes shook the world of college football. This "grandfatherly" public figure was raping boys for years, and yet he still remains free today while awaiting trial. It could take years until this case is resolved.

More shocking than the Penn State coach was the hundreds of cases exposed about pedophiles hiding in the most sacred of all places - the Catholic Church. It is inconceivable that monsters were in the church satisfying their pedophile urges whenever they had them and scarring children for the rest of their lives.

I bring up these two examples, but predators can be found wherever children are. They are not wearing signs saying PEDOPHILE. They are your friendly clergy, coaches, and teachers waiting for a moment to lunge and take what they want - namely the innocence and bodies of your children.

Sexual Perversion – Sex with Animals

This may be unthinkable. This may not be very common, but it does exist for thousands of men; therefore women need to know about it. There are men who have sex with animals or who fantasize about women having sex with animals. Gag. Yep. That is the only one word I can think of to describe it. Remember, I try not to judge anyone's sexual desires, except for child molesting, but this is the second area where I draw the line.

Men who have sex with animals are in two distinct categories. The term bestiality and zoology are different. Someone who practices bestiality just has casual sex with an animal. Someone who is into zoophilia has emotional attachments to the animal and treats it as a mate. Chances are you do not have to worry about zoophiliacs because they have emotional attachments to animals, and they do not need a relationship with a woman. But guys who are into bestiality are a worry because they most likely do marry. There is a smaller percentage of women who have sex with animals. Once again, I don't get it, nor do I want to. But no woman should feel compelled to ever have to think about this if her man mentions this deviant act.

Ironically, over the past few years, three women who are part of my support network walked in on their husbands having sex with their pet dogs. They explained it away by telling their wives that it is only the dog licking their private parts - and they were just lying there innocently when the dog jumped them. Regardless, I have issues with this - and so should you. This is much more common than people are willing to discuss.

Chapter 3

Can A Man Change or Be "Trained"?

My grandmother and mother were great believers in the phrase, "You have to know how to train a man." I heard it often both as I was growing up and as I entered into adulthood making my own poor relationship choices. The irony of this was that neither my grandmother nor mother had good marriages or post-marriage relationships. My youngest sister used to retort back when they would tell us about learning how to train a man, "They are not dogs that you can train." Well, who was right?

History has shown us that people are basically who they are. For some reason, women have a very difficult time accepting that truth. They work so hard to change someone who just cannot be changed **because he does not want to change**. And the worst part about it is these women look at the failure as their personal failures when their man does not change. Women play the "If Only" game. This is the one where you keep giving yourself internal messages of, "If only I was more attractive ".... "If only I was more supportive"..... "If only I was thinner".... "If only I was smarter"..... "If only I was more loving".... "If only, if only, if only."

I have seen women try every trick in the book to try to change their husbands, but nothing works. They marry men with a myriad of problems expecting that enough love will resolve these problems. It doesn't happen. My mother taught me a valuable lesson before my last marriage. When I introduced her to my handsome, charming, soon to be husband, I was really expecting her to be thrilled by my choice, but she was not.

The next day, she said to me, "He is a bad risk for marriage." I was stunned. I couldn't understand where she was coming from. When I questioned her, she said, "He comes from a bad background. That will always stay within him." I was so hurt. I knew that my husband-to-be was from a poor neighborhood. He had grown up in the city projects with family members that adopted him as an infant. But so what? I misinterpreted what my mother was saying because when you are in love, it is easy to protest anyone who _sayith_ too much and to find fault with their opinions. That is because love is blind. **And women who want to love and be loved are even blinder.**

Later, I came to understand what my mother meant is that you are marrying someone's baggage. Whatever baggage they bring into the relationship becomes part of your relationship. If someone comes from an unstable family background, that will follow you for all the days of your life. That's the truth. People carry with them the years of dysfunction that they grew up with. In time, some things can change, but it takes so much work. It is rare to find a man who escapes unscathed when he is from a dysfunctional family background. Sometimes it can work to your advantage, depending on the dysfunction, but most of the time it will not.

One of the many lessons I have learned is that learned behaviors repeat themselves. When I studied child abuse in college, the statistics shocked me when I learned that 80% of the people who perpetrate child abuse were abused themselves. I thought how can this possibly be? If someone was beaten as a child, how could they do that to their children knowing the pain first hand? When I was told that this was "learned behavior," it did not make a lot of sense to me. Who would want to "learn" a behavior to hurt her children?

Once I became a parent, I came to understand that the "learned behavior" theory is totally true. Learned behavior is not cognitive or thinking behavior - it is an automatic response. Here's my best example. When my children did something wrong - as all children do - the way I responded was to yell at them. And when I raised my voice, the words that came out of my mouth were the same words that either my mother or father yelled at me when I was a child. Those were the same words that I swore that I would never say to my children. They were hurtful words, and when I said them, afterwards I thought to myself, "How could I ever say something so mean to my children? I love them." Ugh. Then I realized - LEARNED BEHAVIOR. When you don't have time to think, you just react. And how do you react? By repeating the first thing that comes to your memory which is usually what your parents said to you.

Example: Your child accidentally spills a cup on the floor splattering juice all over.

Response: (Said with anger) "How could you be so clumsy?"

Example: Your child comes home with a bad grade.

Response: (With nasty sarcasm) "What are you, stupid? I'm not raising an idiot."

This is one way that you can tell the difference between people who come from nurturing, loving, supportive families versus people who come from dysfunction. And guess what? Dysfunction may be a modern day terminology, but it is no more prevalent today than it ever was throughout time. There was just not a fancy term for it when I was growing up.

People are under the misimpression that life in the old days was better. I think it "appeared" better, but it wasn't. Expectations were different. Couples were "expected" to stay together forever for better or worse until death did they part. But that did not mean that they were happy or that there was a good quality of life. Plenty of women suffered under the oppression of their husbands. Plenty of children suffered because parents stayed together and led unhappy lives. And even worse - these families were the role models for their children. If a father demeaned the mother, the female children in the family "learned" that this is to be expected in a marriage. The male children observed that this is how you treat a woman. Once again - LEARNED BEHAVIOR. Statistics are overwhelming that show that women who came from families where there was abuse are likely to repeat that same pattern in their own lives with their future mates.

Whenever I counsel women who are in destructive relationships, one of the main factors I bring up to them is that they are setting a bad example for their children. They are taken aback when I say that, until I explain the theory of learned behavior. If the woman won't stand up for herself in the marriage, it is likely the daughter will not stand up for herself either when she gets married. And that's how the cycle repeats from generation to generation.

Several years ago, I asked one of the women from my support network if she would be willing to share her story because it proves everything that I've just said. She was kind enough to write this letter to share with the readers of this book.

Dear Bonnie,

I used to keep track of how many minutes a day I spent in tears... and now I can't remember the last time I cried over something other than a tear jerking movie! I had been married about 5 or 6 years when I began to think that the life I was living actually fit the description of 'abuse'. I wasn't any different from any other abuse victim though - there were so many excuses... so many "I'm sorry's"... so many promises... and I believed it would get better.... someday. Of course - that "someday" never came... not in that life, with that husband anyway.

The biggest regret of my life was that I allowed my two beautiful daughters to grow up believing that their father's abusive behavior was acceptable.

After twenty-five years of enduring abuse, a visit to my oldest daughter's home made me realize that the change was up to me, I was the one that had to change. I was never going to change him - I couldn't do that. I also knew... that as I stood there looking at the bruises on my gorgeous daughters face, if I didn't make the change now, her abuser would end up killing her. If I continued to let her believe the abuse was acceptable, she would also continue to live it.

The legacy had to STOP - and if it didn't, my precious grandson would also grow with the same skewed belief of normalcy that would either turn him into an abuser or a life as a victim of abuse.

I left my abuser - it was probably the hardest decision of my life. I knew I would be giving up a life of beautiful material goods while also giving up a life of painful emotional and physical abuse. It was difficult to see that the payoff would be worth it - but it didn't take long. I knew I made the right decision to divorce when I didn't even think about keeping track of tears and conflict. I was able to sleep at night, I was able to work all day without abusive interruptions, I was able to call my mother and my friends and family whenever I wanted. I was FREE!

There aren't enough material goods in this world to be worth my life of freedom and happiness and the freedom and happiness of my children and my grandchildren.

I am now happily married, to a wonderful, peaceful man. My daughter also divorced her abuser, and she is also now in a healthy, loving marriage. Life is good - and I tell my new husband every day that I don't take a minute of this peaceful life for granted. I never will.

Bonnie, I pray that all women in abusive relationships can gain the self-confidence and esteem to find the peace that I have found.

Thank-you so much for your hard work toward this effort! The LEGACY must be stopped!

Sincerely,

Mindy L.

When I ask women who have daughters or sisters if they would want them to marry a man who was like their husbands, they always say a resounding "No," and they bemoan how horrible it would be to see their daughters end up like they are. And yet they are so willing to settle for this life themselves. They are willing to compromise happiness and emotional well being for merely "existence" while they stay locked beneath that gray cloud year in and year out. Why?

The reality is that before almost any of the men will change, the women will change - and not for the better. This is so ironic because these women went into the marriages believing that even if there were problems, they would change if they provided their men with tender, loving care. Instead, the woman ends up being the one who changes. She loses her sense of identity, self-esteem, sexual-esteem and self-worth. And what happens to the man? Nothing - he remains the same. No change noted.

How does this happen? Quite easily. Our self-esteem grows with positive reinforcement. Each accomplishment we have adds to our feelings of self-worth. When you are living with a man who needs to change but does not want to, there is very little you can do to accomplish this. It is not long before he resents what you are trying to do, no matter how nicely you say it to him. Then the resentment turns to anger. The anger does not have to be volatile - although it certainly can be. It can manifest as emotional abuse which is sometimes worse than physical abuse. You see, physical abuse can be proven because there are tell-tale signs. But emotional abuse leaves no outward scars - just inside permanent bruising. Emotional abuse also involves passive-aggressive behaviors which is very demeaning.

It is not unusual to find that men who treat women abusively are well liked or loved by the outside world. They are charming, likable, and excellent at hiding their real nature. Isn't that why you fall in love with them? Of course, they reassure you that you are the only one who has a problem with their behavior. Everyone else thinks they are great guys. So therefore, **YOU are the problem**. Get it? One more layer of self-esteem peeled away. After all, why are you the only one who can't seem to make him happy? He sure seems happy when he's with other people. Yikes!

At this point, the feeling of sinking starts setting in. You are very unsure of yourself. Maybe he is right. And of course, these guys know how to push your buttons to make you feel worse about life than you feel already. They start to criticize you not only as a wife, but also as a mother. This makes you question your sense of judgment. Emotional abuse is a constant. Usually physical abuse goes in cycles, but emotional abuse is practiced every day.

**AND YET WE STILL LOVE THESE MEN**. We are still convinced that if we love them enough they will love us the way we want them to love us. Well guess what? It's not happening. They are not capable of treating you the way you deserve to be treated. I tell women, " **CUT YOUR LOSSES**." It makes no sense at all to stay in a relationship where your needs are not the most important consideration to a man.

I know that there are good men out there who can be "cultivated." I like that word better than "trained." My current soulmate of almost 20 years suffered from another form of **E.D.** \- namely **Emotional Dysfunction**. I knew it was going to take a lot of time and work, but I believed that it would be worth it in the end because he had potential that had never been developed - like many men. Men are not brought up to be emotionally in tune to women's needs. Some of them are just uneducated but with potential. Then there are those that have absolutely no potential because your emotional needs don't matter enough to them. In those cases, there's no chance, so you will only be wasting your time. The trick is to know the difference. My soulmate was kind and caring, or I never would have bothered spending those initial years trying to "educate" him on the importance of meeting my emotional needs.

My soulmate stills screws up sometimes, but I forgive him because he really does feel bad when he slips. He feels bad because he knows that he has hurt me, and that hurts him because the last thing he would ever intentionally do is hurt me. Sometimes he feels bad because he knows that no bad deed goes unpunished with me, and sometimes I make him go the extra emotional mile which is really hard for him! But when people truly love each other, they are willing to "compromise." Maybe this does mean "change." And most importantly, he has never said one unkind word to me or every made me feel bad about myself no matter how much we may disagree.

The key to any successful relationship is to remember that it starts with the golden rule. Treat your mate the way that you want to be treated. I have extended the rule one step further: If he does not treat you back the same way, then there is a problem and you need to decide why you are staying with him.

Over the years, I have worked with thousands of women who stayed in destructive relationships for far too long. They went for therapy, marriage counseling, breast implants, liposuction, and body makeovers, trying to make their husbands love them more. Nothing worked because the relationships didn't work. And the relationships didn't work because just one person in the relationship was trying to make it work. The other person wasn't doing anything but taking advantage of the situation. You see, selfish men do not care about your needs - they only care about their own. Sadly, there are lots of selfish men out there that think that they are owed something - BY YOU.

I attribute this way of thinking to that "Learned Behavior" situation I explained earlier. If a man comes from a family where the father tells the mother what to do, then he expects that this is the way you should behave. It's not a partnership - it's a **"Do What I Say" ownership**. This is how your husband's mother accepted her fate - and you are expected to do the same.

So knowing that he is coming from a different space and place, can he change? Well, all things are possible - sometimes. The important thing is to set a goal for events to happen. And the goal should be one that is not going to drain away years of your life. You should have a timeline with benchmarks. If you see that after a year or two nothing is changing, it is time to admit defeat and move on. Even small changes are good because it shows there is a willingness to change, but it has to be constant and continuous.

What kind of changes should you look for? The first one is that your mate has an understanding of treating you with respect. Without having proper respect for you, there is no way to advance in your relationship. Showing respect means engaging in constructive communication. You need to be able to let your man know when he is doing something that is hurting you or belittling to you. And he has to be willing to make a conscious effort to stop doing whatever it is. You can expect he will slip and fall a number of times, but as long as he picks himself up and acknowledges that he screwed up, it is a good start.

He needs to understand the whole concept of "learned behavior" and work to change whatever negative patterns he has learned from. When people are aware of why they respond the way they do, then they can start to change their actions. Instead of just "reacting," they can start thinking before they respond. That is the key to success - replacing auto-responses with cognitive responses. And guess what? It is a lot of work - a lot. Most men don't feel like working that hard, and that's the problem.

I have heard men tell me, "I don't have a problem in the marriage - she does. She's the one who is not happy." This is the way they think. Of course the man is happy because he is not doing anything to change.

There is something else that I hear quite often that makes me want to gag. Men are quick to say, "My wife doesn't like sex." It never occurs to them that their wives don't like having sex with THEM. The sad fact is plenty of men are ineffective in bed. Why would their wives enjoy having sex with them? But once again, rather than take any responsibility for this, it is the wife's fault.

Part of this is our own fault because we have such a difficult time talking about sex. It stems from women's non-assertive behavior. Assertiveness is a concept that cropped up in the 1970's during the women's liberation movement. Back in those days women were burning their bras in protest rallies looking for equal rights. They were tired of being treated as second class citizens. They stood up and took action through protests and legal proceedings in the courts to bring the issues to the forefront. It is thanks to those brave fighters that women have the rights they do today.

Getting back to assertive behavior, it's essential for women to understand how to be assertive in a relationship. The word " **assertiveness** " is often mistaken for " **aggressiveness**." Nothing is further from the truth. When you are assertive, it means that you understand how to express your feelings to others and stand up for yourself during conflicts.

There are three basic behaviors that people display. The most common behavior that women exhibit is **Passive Behavior**. This means that we go out of our way to make everyone happy because we are looking to avoid conflict. These are the ultimate "People Pleasers." We are socialized this way from the time we are babies. Children who behave well and do what they are told are "good" children. If you question, bend or break the rules, you are punished. All of us are looking to be loved at a young age, and so the early messages are "you will be loved if you do what you are told." Because there are different standards for males and females, this way of thinking is geared specifically toward females. Keep in mind that women have been socialized throughout history to "serve men." Therefore, we are taught these expectations from the moment we arrive in this world. Although the women's movement advanced women into thinking more independently, there are still millions of women who buy into the passive way of thinking because of the way their mothers raised them or cultural/ religious values.

A passive person believes that if you behave nicely to someone who is displaying bad behavior, that person will be swayed by your good behavior and back down. This is how men gain control over women very easily in relationships. Passive people spend their lives being the caretakers of the world. They look to please everyone except themselves. This is all tied in with low self-esteem.

For the past 26 years, I have taught part-time GED preparation to help high-school dropouts how to prepare to pass the high school equivalency test. I taught for 21 years at the Philadelphia Community College, and five years ago started my own GED Center. I have taught more than 5,000 adults over the years and observed a common thread. Before I tell you what that is, let me state for the record that I am a high school drop- out. I didn't return to school until I was an adult. This is why I understand my students so well. The majority of them did not leave school because they were not capable of the work. They left because of other problems they were having in their lives.

People who drop out of school are typical of the passive personality. They are the natural caretakers of the world, helping everyone with their needs and problems. This comes from having low self-esteem because they never finished school. People who drop out of school feel on a conscious or unconscious level that they are not "as good as" or "as smart as" others. This is not the truth in many cases but rather their personal perception, but psychologically, they feel that way for many years. That is why high school drop-outs who return to school as adults often try to overcompensate for their lack of earlier educational success.

When I do my orientation at the beginning of each session, I ask people to be honest and raise their hands if they fit into this "caretaker" category. Almost all of the women raise their hands. I explain to them that now that they are doing something to improve their own lives, it will sometimes become an issue with people around them who seem to be encouraging about their returning to school. I see it happen in every class. Women who thought they had the support of their husbands or boyfriends end up dropping out after a few weeks. Why?

It is always the same story. The caretakers are now taking care of themselves and that presents a threat to those who expect to be taken care of. When the men see that their needs are not being met because their women are busy doing something positive for themselves, they start putting on the pressure. It may be subtle at first, but then it steps up a notch with overt remarks such as, "Your school means more to you than I do," or "Don't you care about what the kids are doing when you're in school?" or "Are you going there to meet other men?" What originally started off as the cheering team of "Rah Rah" now becomes "Ugh, Ugh."

I warn my female students that some men feel very threatened when they return to school because they fear that the women will leave them behind. Do you think this sounds ridiculous? Well, it's not. Most women return to school when they are looking for a change in their lives. They are tired of being caretakers and realize that there are better things waiting for them if they have an education and a chance for financial mobility. Unfortunately, many of them have to wait a long time when those depending on them try to keep them down.

This is all tied in with passive behavior. Frequently a passive individual keeps her personal opinions, feelings, or desires to herself while looking for those things to say that will best win the other person's approval. The passive woman frequently feels frustrated and angry inside, believing that people don't truly "understand" her or don't really "care" about her. The passive woman cares too much about other people's approval and does whatever she has to in order to make them happy. She does not know how to honestly express herself to others for fear of rejection and/or criticism.

The opposite of " **Passive Behavior** " is " **Aggressive Behavior**." This is when someone doesn't care about other people's opinions, feelings, or needs. Women with this behavior are overpowering and threatening. Aggressive behavior, like other behaviors, can be learned behaviors from families where there is a lot of yelling going on in order to grab attention or just for the person to get his or her way. People with this behavior like to control others and they do this through physical or verbal abuse or threats of abuse. This kind of behavior is destructive. People who are aggressive have a difficult time forming positive relationships, especially with their partners.

What I find so interesting is the number of women I have met through the years who have very aggressive behavior and manage to find the nicest of men as husbands. These are " **Passive Men** " who are controlled by their wives and learn to accept their aggressive behavior. These nice guys most likely came from families where the mother was aggressive and in control. Their fathers were often passive and allowed the mothers to take control and accepted it. They may not be happy, but they stay in their marriages because they have low self-esteem and because of "learned behavior."

This is where " **Assertive Behavior** " comes into play. A woman exhibits assertive behavior when she knows how to express herself concerning her needs without fear of what someone is going to think. Someone who is assertive stands up for herself and doesn't care what other people think. She realizes that certain people will not agree with her points of view, but that doesn't have to influence or change her way of thinking. In other words, she is true to herself without intending to hurt anyone. She refuses to "go with the flow" if it isn't what she wants.

I have been a lifetime participant in non-assertive behavior; however, I am improving as I get older - because I constantly work on it every single day. I was the ultimate "people pleaser" feeling the need to make everyone like me. This carried over from my teenage years when I was very lonely, feeling like an outsider and spilled into my adulthood when I felt the need to have people care about me. This behavior is directly tied to a sense of low self-esteem which has been part of my persona since childhood.

When I teach groups how to work on their assertiveness skills, I go through a list of behaviors that passive people (non-assertive) have in common. I then give them a list of tasks to practice that is so difficult for people with passive behavior. The list includes actions such as:

1. Going to a restaurant and returning something saying it wasn't prepared properly.

2. Going to a store and returning an item of clothing saying it doesn't fit correctly.

3. Asking someone to return something he/she borrowed and never gave back such as clothes or money.

4. Saying no to someone who asks you to do him/her a favor.

5. Saying no to someone who asks you out on a second date when you didn't enjoy the first one.

6. Walking out of a store while a salesperson is trying to get you to buy something.

7. Going to the supermarket to return something stating that it isn't fresh and asking for your money back.

8. Asking to have your seat changed in a restaurant because it's too noisy.

To a person who is assertive or aggressive, these exercises may seem silly. But to the numerous passive people like me, each one of these tasks is a monumental challenge. Here is an interesting observation: all of these tasks revolve around asking something of a stranger whom we have either never met before or will be unlikely meet again or someone whom we have had minimal contact with at one time or another.

Passive people are so afraid of being thought of negatively even by a stranger. A behavior that is so natural for some seems overwhelming. Throughout my 20's there would have been no way for me to do any of the above exercises. Now that I hit 60, I am better at doing most of those exercises, but sometimes I just walk away from the possible confrontation of asking for what I want. I did practice many of those exercises mentioned above just to try to get past my own fears.

Why is being assertive important to women? If you can't overcome your fear of asking for what you want with strangers, you will never be able to do it in your relationships with men, families, and employers.

Let me explain how it can affect you in the workforce first. If you don't have assertive behavior, you may lose out on opportunities for job advancement. Opportunity comes to those who know how to find it. A person who sits back and doesn't assertively talk about her qualifications can lose out on advancement even if she is the most qualified. If you are afraid to advocate for yourself, don't expect others to do it for you. It's just human nature.

I will give you an example of my non-assertive behavior in the workplace. It is certainly embarrassing, but I believe that by sharing my own weaknesses and downfalls, you can learn to avoid the pitfalls in life or at least know that you are not alone in this behavior! The situation happened 20 years ago when I was working with welfare clients helping them find job training to lead to self-sufficiency.

At that point, I had been working at a non-profit agency for five years. It was automatic that every year, all employees received a raise on a certain date. When I looked at my paycheck, I noticed that nothing had changed in the amount I was receiving. Then I waited for my next check and again, no change. Rather than approach my boss and ask why I had not received a raise, mentally I went through a whole list of reasons why I didn't get one. "Maybe they don't think I deserve a raise because I'm making too much money." "Maybe they thought I could have done a better job this year and don't really deserve to get more money." "Maybe they didn't have enough money in the budget to give me a raise." I just accepted it and felt happy that I still had my job.

Four months went by, and I put it out of my mind. Then my boss called me into her office and said that she received a call from the payroll department stating there was a bookkeeping mistake, and I never received a raise. She asked me whether or not I had noticed it. When I told her _yes_ and all of the reasons why I did not think I received it, she looked at me like I was crazy. She told me my pay would be adjusted, and I would get a retroactive check for the four months that passed. I felt so happy. I also learned a lesson from that experience. If something is owed to you, don't be afraid to ask for it. The only one you are cheating is yourself.

Some of you may be laughing at this story, but a lot of you are not because you know you have the same passive behavior that I have battled throughout my life. Where this passive behavior really hurts is when it comes to relationships. Ouch. That is just a preview of how much it hurts when you do not know how to stand up for yourself. The good news is even if you aren't assertive, you can practice and become assertive if you have a true desire to change where you are in life.

Why is it so difficult for passive women to be assertive with their men? Logically, it is because we want so much for our men to love us, and we are afraid of hurting their feelings for fear of rejection. It just seems easier to give in rather than to fight back and lose the love of your man. For some reason, we have been conditioned to believe that if we offend the man we love, he just won't love us anymore. He will think that we are not supportive... not caring.... not compassionate.... not interested etc, etc.

And so we go along with his requests or demands, giving in to things that we don't want to do. We don't compromise - we just give in. This is the big difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.

In any healthy relationship, two people can discuss almost anything and come to some kind of mutually agreeable solution. For instance, one of my marriages was with a man who was very controlling. Whenever we would go to the movies, it was always the movie of his choice. I never enjoyed his pick of flicks, but I just went along with it because he had no interest at all in anything I wanted to see. If I couldn't even stand up to express my desires when it came to a movie, you can imagine how it impacted on everything else within the relationship. He had an aggressive personality while I liked living in peace and harmony. He knew how to push my buttons - he would scream a little, and I gave in.

Of course, controlling men who exhibit aggressive behavior know how to do more than scream to get what they want. They know how to find your weakest points and dig in with a giant sized shovel. Whatever insecurities you brought into the relationship, no matter how well you think you have them buried or hidden, will resurface as your aggressive man finds each and every one of them. They are experts at this.

An assertive woman would never allow this to happen because she would cut her losses early in the relationship. As soon as she would see that the man didn't understand her needs, she would say goodbye and move on. Sad to say, a passive woman or one with low self-esteem seems to draw these men to them like magnets. A controlling man seeks a woman whom he can control. At first, this type of woman is flattered by the initial attention and falls prey to these manipulative men. She thinks it is wonderful that this man is paying so much attention to her. Little does she understand how controlling he is until she is sucked into the relationship like a fly into a spider's web.

Most of these guys don't start out nasty. They are nice. Passive women are not so far gone that they are willing to enter a relationship with a guy who is vicious and mean. That comes later - after they get you hooked. In the beginning, it is lots of kind words and promises of a happy future. Different signs that you should look for include an accounting of your time and alienation of family and friends. This is where the passive aggressive behavior steps in. "How much could you love me if you don't want to spend time with me?" "You love your friend... sister... mother... child... better than me?"

I will never forget an incident that happened to a friend of mine. She was dating a man who seemed madly in love with her - as a controlling man often does. When he was not with her, he was calling her at least five or six times a day. I would like to say he was "checking in," but I later learned he was just "checking." One night they had a particularly bad fight which put an end to the relationship. He came to her apartment, and found a piece of hair on the floor. He knew it was not hers or his, so he accused her of bringing other men to her apartment and cheating on him. This was the kind of controlling behavior he was starting to display in just a few short months.

Controlling men usually are able to work their way around passive women. After they smack them down literally or figuratively, they often rush out to buy them gifts accompanied by promises that, "It will never happen again." "Honey, you know I love you so much that the thought of you being with another man kills me. I would die if that ever happened. That is how strong my love for you is." And their women, in most cases, are so relieved and confused, that they give in and forgive. Confused? Well, they do love their men and want their men to love them. It takes a long time before they understand that this is not love - it is control.

You have to sneak around the controlling men because if they find out that you are doing anything they don't want you doing - like discussing their behavior with anyone - they make your life miserable. This does not happen overnight, sad to say. If it did, then many more women would have a chance to escape. It happens over time, step by step, word by word, action by action, slowly but surely. Are these moves calculated by this type of men? Of course they are. They know how much they can get away with from the beginning. As I mentioned earlier, men who abuse women don't start out that way. You can be sure that a man who is going to hit a woman is not going to do it on the first or second date.

I have worked with hundreds of women who faced domestic violence. In almost all cases, the brutality started after the couple was married. If there were signs or instances, they were rare before the final commitment with promises of "It Will Never Happen Again. I Swear." And oh how we want to believe! And when their "abnormal" behavior starts to seep right back into the relationship, it starts out slowly. These guys reassure you and beg over and over again for another chance. They will shower you with kindness and gifts to keep you confused.

After the first few times of physical abuse, in addition to their reassuring you, they will also somehow throw in that maybe you have to take some responsibility for the incident because you know how upset they get when you.... criticize them... put them down... don't clean up the house.... don't have dinner ready when they are starving... can't control the kids... flirt with other men... breathe too loud and the list goes on forever.

The saddest part is that women buy into this. They actually start to believe that they are the cause of their husbands' misbehavior. This is how living with someone who is abusive affects you. He robs you of your sense of judgment, self-confidence, and sensibility. What you were sure about before, you have no clue about at the moment. The confusion sets in because the messages you are receiving are very mixed. In the early stages, there are still of lot of "I'm sorry's," but as time marches on, the abuse becomes worse and the apologies become fewer. Why? It is because these guys are not sorry. The only time they become sorry is when you report them to the police. Then they are sorry that they got caught. Sadly, that does not necessarily happen. Some women are too beaten down physically, mentally, and emotionally to ever do anything about it, so they live a tortured life making up excuses for their blackened eyes and broken bones. But some other women find the inner strength to escape, in spite of threats of physical violence.

When I was younger, I used to think that women who stay in abusive relationships were weak. I would sit and judge them. How difficult could it be to walk away from someone who mistreats you? I used to think like so many **uneducated and uninformed** people think - **SHE MUST LIKE TO GET BEATEN. SHE IS ASKING FOR IT BECAUSE SHE REFUSES TO LEAVE.**

No woman likes to get beaten, and no woman is "asking for it." People don't understand how difficult it is to walk away from someone who has turned your mental state into a pile of dust when you believe that you are not capable of doing anything for yourself anymore. Some of these men are very violent. They threaten to "find you wherever you go and kill you" if you leave them. And women believe it because we always read stories about men who do exactly that. Or they threaten to take the children and leave so you'll never find them again if you try to get help. Usually at this point women are so fragile, they believe this as well.

Regardless if the abuse is physical, emotional, or both, we all read stories about men who do kill their women and other men who steal the children and run. It is not as though these are impossibilities - they happen all of the time. Women who live with this fear factor have reason to feel this way.

As for the women who are emotionally abused by men, maybe your bruises don't show on the outside like the physically abused women, but they are very dark on our insides. I see how many women languish in emotionally abusive marriages for years if not forever, crying themselves to sleep at night and feeling unworthy as a human being. They try so hard to do everything right in hopes of getting praise from their husbands, but it never comes. In time they stop crying because they have given up all of their emotions and their tears run dry.

The mind is a delicate thing. I have seen the most beautiful, successful women become reduced to a shell when paired with a man who makes them feel ugly and insecure. Even if their self-esteem was strong going into the relationship, living with a man who has issues can change that. It may not be immediate, but rather a slow deterioration over a period of time. If that happens to women who are at the top of their game going into a relationship, imagine what happens to women who are starting out at a lower point. What chance do they have? Virtually none.

Bottom line: Instead of spending years of your valuable time trying to "change men" who have no potential of changing, take this time to work on **changing you.** Walking into a relationship with a man who is emotionally healthy will have enough challenges along the way, but at least you can face them together. Going after the "bad boy" types because you find it a challenge or they seem more exciting is a major, monumental mistake **. You can't change them, but they can change you - and not for the better.**

While it's true for the most part that people don't learn from others' mistakes, a smart woman will not throw caution to the wind so to speak. Women have to learn to be smart enough to just say **"NO"** to men who are never going to be worthy of their love. There is no dishonor in walking away from a bad situation. Too many women stay in bad relationships because they are trying to "save face."

I always tell women if you make a mistake, have the courage to walk away from it rather than spend years living in it. We are all entitled to make mistakes - there is no shame in that. But there is shame in staying with it. As my friend Viv so eloquently states, "If you don't realize that your husband is dysfunctional, you are a victim. But once you figure it out and continue to stay, you are a volunteer." You not only destroy your chances for happiness, but you set a bad example for your children who will model their futures after yours. The cycle of failure continues generation after generation. But you have the power to stop it although you may feel very powerless when you are living with a controlling man.

There is always help available - somewhere. There are organizations that work with women who are in transition to help them find their way to independence. There are counseling agencies to help women as well as agencies to help victims of domestic violence. If you need help, you can find it. And if you can't, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and I will help you find the resources in your area. Although you may feel alone, you're not - anymore!

**Chapter 4**

Men Who Are Bad Risks in Relationships

There are a number of important factors to consider when you are ready to spend time with in a man leading to a relationship. One of the primary reasons why women end up in bad relationships is because they think with their hearts and not with their heads. Until women learn to make smart choices based on logic and common sense, bad relationships will continue to be a mainstay.

Sometimes it's just a matter of NOT KNOWING. Believe me, I understand that more than anyone having made some very poor choices in my life. They say that youth is wasted on the young, but I certainly made some poor choices after I grew older. Now since I've hit middle age, I know better. I'm hoping that women who are armed with the right information will start making the right choices.

Here are some things to look at before you jump into a relationship with a man:

1. Family Stability

As I mentioned earlier, you must judge a man by his family. If the man does not come from a stable family - meaning any kind of major dysfunction such as mental illness, drug/alcohol abuse, domestic violence, lack of work ethic, etc. stand back and reconsider. It's just a sad fact of life, but men carry their family dysfunctions with them into your relationship. It may not seem like this when you first meet them, but inevitably, those dysfunctions will most likely start creeping up into their lives and then spill over to yours like ivy slowly climbing up a vine. Sometimes it's because people take on these traits later on in life, and sometimes it's because you are blinded to them at first because you are in love.

Family stability doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the traditional definition of a family. There are some single family homes with very stable parents versus two parent households plagued with fighting or dysfunctional. There are also extended families where people grow up with grandparents or other relatives when parents are not in the picture or alternative families such as gays and lesbians. All of these non-traditional families can produce a stable living environment.

Unstable men often come from situations where there was limited or no family involvement. For instance, men who grew up in foster care or in orphanages may not make the best potential mates. They are often living with their own demons, such as why their families didn't want them, which means they could be extremely possessive with you in an unhealthy way. I have seen men like this try to pit themselves against their wives when it comes to children. "You know I love you more than your mother does. Daddy loves you best." In case you don't believe me, trust me, it's true. My own father did it to me. He was always trying to make me think that he was the one who loved me while my mother didn't. He would take me aside and say, "Bonnie, why do you think your mother buys you candy bars? She wants you to be fat so you won't have to compete with her." I was in my early teens when he started telling me this. But when I was younger, he came up with plenty of other reasons why he loved me more than my mother did, and he never missed an opportunity to try to poison my mind against my mother.

As an adult I can look back and understand it was because my father's childhood was so unstable. His mother, Elsie, always favored her daughter, my aunt. When Elsie was a child, her father had taken off with a showgirl leaving her mother alone with three small children. This was back early in the 1900's when a scandal like that impacted a family in a very negative way. Elsie was taught to hate men by her own mother who felt betrayed, and it certainly showed by the way she treated my father.

My paternal grandparents had a terrible marriage. My grandmother could be described as "cold," but that would be an understatement. "Frigid" is closer to the truth. When my father was 13, his parents split up for a few years. They stuck my father in a military school in Georgia where he was constantly abused. His father was a gambler and a run-around. He cheated often and openly on my grandmother. In fact, when my father was in his early 20's, they used to double-date. In time, the grandparents reunited and spent the rest of their lives making each other miserable.

This is why in spite of the way my father abused me over my weight and other issues, I came to understand why he was so screwed up. He had no positive role modeling. His mother was kind to his sister who was four years older than him but very cruel to him because of her hatred for men. This was made even clearer to me because my grandmother had no desire to spend any time with me or my siblings because we were my father's children; however, she was very nice to my aunt's children.

My grandmother Elsie was not mentally stable. She had to have everything spotless and had obsessive compulsive behavior. You couldn't wear shoes in her home because they would stain her white carpeting. And she was not even nice or pleasant to us when we visited her - encouraging us **not** to come back.

As a result of this long-time personal rejection, my father wanted his children to love him more than our mother because he never felt he belonged to or was loved by his own family. He was determined to have children so he could have something to call "his" own. I have seen this thinking from a number of men who came from this kind of instability.

I spent a year working in an adolescent group home for boys while working on my Master's Degree in 1987. I met some of the broken down families that these boys came from. Just living in a children's home instead of a real home has an impact. In most cases, these kids were better off living there than in their real homes where there was physical abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, and chronic poverty. They had so many self-esteem issues from not having caring families. No matter how nice some of them were, are these young men good candidates in the future for successful relationships? In almost all cases, the answer is NO. They have very little experience, if any, of living in a stable, nurturing environment. Their intentions may be honorable, but their coping skills are so limited because they had a lack of meaningful role modeling.

The other reality you need to face about a family's stability is that you may end up having some of those unstable family members living with you. This is something that happens when the unstable family member or members have nowhere else to go and your husband can't turn them away. You may find your in-laws, nieces, or nephews becoming part of your household without having any say in the matter. Remember, when push comes to shove, blood is always thick.

2. Men Who Live at Home with Their Families Past the Age of 30

I am giving men who are under 30 the benefit of the doubt. I think a more realistic age is 25. A man who doesn't leave his family by the time he is 30 has issues. I'm sorry if that offends those men who are in this situation, but I believe that it guarantees problems in a future relationship. Men who are going to be good partners need to have some sense of independence. Otherwise, they are likely to become codependent on you. Most of the men who have not ventured out on their own by this point have been spoiled greatly by their mothers. They are used to women doing for them, and they will have the same expectations of you.

If a man is still living with his family after 30, his life is already too intertwined with them. They have too much influence over his decisions and that will filter into your relationship. Most men who are looking to grow up want some form of "independence." Most of the men in this situation never grow up. They are always "little boys" stuck in men's bodies. You don't need to be a mother to your husband - you need to be a wife.

3. Men Who Haven't Married By the Age of 35

If a man has not been married or had a long-term live-in relationship and/or has never had children by the age of 35, he is a bad risk for a relationship. Why? He is too set in his ways because he has never had to share or compromise with anyone. When I question women why their boyfriends of 40, 45, or 50 have never been married, I get an assortment of answers that never seem to make sense. "He did meet a lot of women, but none of them were the right one - until he met me." "He did live with this one girl for two years, but she wasn't right mentally." "He claims that he was waiting for me and wouldn't settle for anyone less." Silly women. They really believe these explanations.

I am not saying that every man who has not married by the age of 35 has something psychologically or sexually wrong with him. However, I do believe that he is a bad risk for marriage. You are much better off going with a man who has been married and divorced or who has children because he had to make compromises at some point of the relationship, even if it didn't work out. Remember, many men were married early before they grew up emotionally, and their marriages broke up because it was the wrong relationship. Or sometimes the wife had unrealistic expectations of marriage because she was young. People grow apart and cannot get back together. That's okay. It is human nature and it happens quite a bit. But at least the man took the chance to love and live with someone which is better than never having that experience.

4. Men with a Prison Background

Although there are certainly men in prison who are innocent, most men who are incarcerated are guilty of some kind of crimes. The longer a man remains in a jail cell, even if he is innocent, the less likely he is to ever have a stable life outside the prison walls. I have seen a few men readjust, but most of them carry around "issues" that are deep. Men who commit a crime often have sociopathic behaviors, which mean they operate outside the rules of society.

There are men in prison who are looking for lonely, vulnerable women whom they can romance and target. I know because I was once a victim of this. Six years after the divorce from my second husband, my mother believed that it was time for me to make an effort to meet someone. This was before the days of household computers. She paid for me to put an ad in the local magazine that had personals. I put in my description and what I was looking for and received a barrage of responses. It was a very scary experience because some of the responses were - well - for lack of a better word - distorted.

Most of the responses I threw away. There were three letters remaining that were possibilities. One man sent me a beautiful letter. He had a wonderful sense of humor and asked me to write back if I was interested. The return address was a post office box in a neighboring state. I wrote him a note telling him how much I enjoyed reading his letter. When he wrote back to me, he explained that he wasn't a "professional" as I had requested in my ad, but rather a "professional carpenter." That didn't bother me at all because this man, Denny, sounded like such a romantic soul.

We wrote back and forth for a few weeks. After all the loser men I had letters from, and the two others that I met in person with no success, I was drawn more and more to this stranger whom I still had yet to speak to. His letters were sweet and caring. He wanted to know all about me. The fact that I was a "queen sized" woman only made him more excited to meet me. He was previously married and had a child somewhere in Texas. He said nothing derogatory about his wife and blamed himself for the failure of the marriage, which I thought was humbling. After the fifth letter, when I wrote to my mystery man about the possibility of meeting, he sent me a letter explaining the part of his life story that he left out in his previous letters.

He apologized for not telling me, but he was presently behind prison walls. However, he was going to be released within the next few months which is why he wrote to me. He explained how he was innocently picked up and wrongly convicted because he was mistaken for someone who looked like him. He had been away for five years, but now his release date was finally about to happen any day.

I had to do a lot of soul searching about this. Did I really want to get involved with a man in prison? But his letters were so wonderful and supportive. He seemed too good to be true. Another lesson I have learned in life is when something seems too good to be true, it usually is. This is because too often, women think with their hearts and not their heads. I forgave him for not telling me the truth from the beginning, and I said that I understood why he was hesitant to reveal the information. He said to me, "If I told you the truth in the first letter, I knew that there was no way that you would ever write back." And he was right. I would have tossed that letter into the trash with the 50 others no matter how nice it sounded.

After corresponding for a couple of months, Denny asked if he could call me because he wanted to hear my voice. Of course, from prison, you have to call collect, but I said it was fine. We spoke a number of times over the months ahead. Denny kept telling me that he was going to be out of prison shortly, but something always came up as to why his parole hearing was being delayed.

After six months of loving letters and conversations, I realized that this was not a relationship that I wanted. Denny swore when he got out of prison, he would show me how much he loved me, but I was leery. I wrote him a letter saying we could be friends, but I was not interested in a relationship. I stopped accepting his phone calls, and no matter how much he begged, he had to accept this would never be more than a friendship.

Being a good friend, I set Denny up with a woman who was twice my size and who had even lower self esteem than me. He began romancing her and eventually, I stopped hearing from both of them. Two years passed and I started getting notes from Denny every few months just checking in and wondering how I was doing. I never responded, and soon I just threw the unopened letters into the trash can.

Another two years passed, and I found myself at a very vulnerable time in my life. I was about to turn 40 and I realized how empty life felt. I knew that I was now ready to open up my heart again after 10 years of being alone, but I could not find anyone to open it up to. So when Denny's next letter arrived at my door, I opened it up. It was the usual, "I miss you. I wish you would let me know how you are doing. I'm stuck here for another year due to a misunderstanding." As so many women that I know would say, "Yadda, yadda, yadda."

This time I answered his letter. It wasn't long before I was anxiously looking forward to his responses in the mail. His letters were pages of wonderful words to make me feel good. They were romantic words with promises of happy future times together. I so wanted to believe this was possible for me, that I allowed myself to get more deeply involved emotionally. The phone calls started again, and pledges of "we'll have a wonderful life together soon" were flowing.

After five months, I decided to take a trip to the prison and finally meet my sweetheart in person. I was so nervous, wondering whether or not he would find me attractive. I knew that thin women turned him off, so I felt secure that my size would be fine. I had a friend drive me to the prison. Once inside, I had to show identification and be body searched. Next, I was led into a large room with guards posted at every corner. He knew what I looked like because I had sent him my picture. His only picture was 20 years old so I wasn't exactly sure what he looked like. He did say he had long hair and tattoos.

As the door opened and a number of prisoners walked out, I saw a man with long hair who was heading my way. At that instant, I felt as if my heart deflated. Denny came right to me and gave me a big hug. We sat down together, and he started kissing me, tongue in mouth. He was holding my hand, and telling me how excited he was to finally meet me. He told me I was beautiful - more so than he ever could imagine. What girl who looked like me wouldn't be flattered?

I stayed for 45 minutes trying to overcome my feelings of revulsion. I didn't have the courage to tell him that this was the first and last time that I would be seeing him. I could never hurt him that way in person. I explained that my ride was waiting outside and only had an hour because he had previous family commitments. I allowed him to kiss me goodbye and promised I would talk to him soon. I refused his phone calls later that day and over the next few days. When I received his next letter, which was filled with suspicions about my rejection after meeting him, I did write back and told him that I was sorry, but I had to end things. I explained that the reality of going to a prison, being body searched, and watched in a large room with guards was more than I could deal with emotionally. He was distraught, but I wouldn't give in.

As low as my self-esteem was at that time, I had enough self-respect to not want to live a life as a prison girlfriend. It was humiliating. It is one thing when someone you love commits a crime and goes to prison and you decide to stick with him. But to enter into a relationship with a man who is already in prison is doomed. These men are sociopaths who know how to prey on lonely women. They make a practice of finding women and using them. How do they use them? By getting women to give them money, gifts, and company.

Several months after I ended the Denny relationship, he sent me a letter with the word "Urgent" printed on it. I decided to open it because I could not imagine what could be so important. It started out with how much he missed me and loved me. Then he went on to how he decided to take drugs for the first time in 20 years. He did this because he was so distraught that I broke up with him. The only way he could console himself was to take heroin. While he was high, some other inmates stole all of his personal belongings, including his money. Now he owed the drug dealer $200.00, and he was asking me if I could help him this one time. After all, _it was my fault._

I was enraged by this letter and threw it in the garbage. I felt seriously violated. Can you imagine him telling me it was my fault that he was in this situation? Then, he asked me to pay for it. I can't even imagine how many lonely women fall for lines by con men, but I bet there are a lot. I found out there's a whole network of women who get involved with men in prison. In fact, there are online dating services which carry over 10,000 ads from men and women in prison looking for relationships. I'm not sure of what all the psychological reasons are that women do this, but I've learned about some of them.

Some women are just attracted to "bad boys" because they seem more exciting or more unobtainable. Women who receive these loving, caring letters from criminals who have committed violent crimes feel that these men are capable of loving them despite their criminal background. They believe they would never be hurt by these men. Other women with low self-esteem feel that this relationship will be a safe one. They are needy women going after needy men. It all comes down to the bottom line of LOW SELF-ESTEEM. Women who feel good about themselves would never consider looking for a man inside prison walls.

5. Ex-offenders with Violent Backgrounds

Although I know that a small number of people do change through religion or spirituality or years of psychological help, ex-offenders with violent behavior backgrounds are definitely not good bets. Men who are violent tend to stay violent - and that violence turns to you in time. These men will swear up and down to you that they have changed. Most of them have not. Some of their behavior may be modified, but you remember that old "learned behavior" situation that I spoke about earlier. When frustration builds up or anger sets in, expect a reaction based on past experience rather than cognitive or thinking behavior.

You have to question men who have committed violent crimes. I professionally worked with them for over 25 years and saw the patterns that they repeated. A violent crime includes assault with a deadly weapon, sexual assault, general assault and murder of any degree. I am not saying that some crimes are not justified, but usually when you find any history of violent behavior, you find a host of other dysfunctional issues included with them.

6. Men with Mental Health Issues

Going into a relationship with a man who has mental health issues is putting you at risk. If a man is bipolar, manic depressive, schizophrenic, obsessive compulsive, paranoid, or chronically depressed, you are taking on more than you bargained for. There are other mental health behaviors such as narcissism that are destructive even if more difficult to see at first. All of these behaviors are disruptive in a relationship. All of us have a number of quirks or "kooky and fluky" behaviors. However, men with diagnosed mental illness are different. A recent report in January of 2012 states that 16.8% of American men have mental illness that needs to be treated through medication.

The report went on to say that, "Less than half of those in need get treated. Those who seek treatment typically do so after a decade or more of delays, during which time they are likely to develop additional problems. And the treatment they receive is usually inadequate." This is scary.

Unless you have lived with someone with a form of mental illness, you will never understand how debilitating it can be. I know. I married a man who was diagnosed with chronic depression and obsessive compulsive behavior. I spoke about Barry earlier in this book and his compulsive sexual behavior. But there was more to the story. To refresh your memory, Barry and I met when I was 23 years old. We were both involved in activist activities back in the early 1970's. I was so attracted to him. He was 6 feet 4 inches and quite attractive. How would a short, fat woman like me ever have a chance with him? But he found me intriguing and attractive. I was so happy that he was interested in me.

At 23, I was very naïve when it came to mental illness. I didn't have the life experience that comes with age to understand what was wrong with him. I noticed some odd behaviors, but wrote them off to "quirks." For instance, he kept a small tape recorder with him at all times to record different songs that came into his head. If he would be around music, he would have to hum the tunes into his tape recorder. At first, I thought that was great because I loved music so we had a common bond. But when it got to the point where he would disappear from our bed at 3 a.m., and I would catch him singing into the tape recorder, I realized it was more of a problem than I thought.

Other behaviors were odd too. Barry would cut out newspaper articles about current events he was interested in and underline them in red. Then he would line them up on a large table. There were hundreds of them laid out layered one on top of the other. Barry also had 3 X 5 cards that he kept little notes on. If he would lose a paper, misplace a card, or forget a song, he would go crazy. He would throw things around, pace the hallways, and be inconsolable. His mood swings could last for hours or days.

At first, Barry hid these behaviors from me. When you _do not_ live with someone, it is easy to do this. But as we became closer and he felt more comfortable with me, they started seeping out. I mentioned earlier about his compulsive sexual behavior. At first it was flattering having someone I loved wanting to make love to me, but in time it became burdensome. This is when Barry started masturbation up to three times a day. It was never offensive to me because he would close the bedroom door after always offering me the "first shot" at it. When I declined, I would say, "Enjoy yourself," and feel a sense of relief that he was willing to do it himself rather than pressure me.

Within two years, our life was really draining my nerves. Barry couldn't secure employment for any length of time because he was too distracted by the music playing in any office he went to. He had saved a significant amount of money over the years, so we were not under financial strain, plus I was working. He also hoarded his money because that was his sense of security for times when he did not have an income because he didn't have a job. His compulsions seemed to be progressing as time went on, so I insisted that he go for help, or I would have to leave him. As much as I loved him, that love was wearing thin.

He agreed to see a therapist and started going on a weekly basis. After his initial assessment, we went in together and the doctor explained that Barry had obsessive compulsive behavior. He explained that this is a mental disorder that often comes from growing up with very rigid parents and not having control over anything. Barry's mother was very stern, sterile, and cold. She was not a warm or loving person. She really disliked me and was opposed to our marriage. This woman was very vocal to Barry about her disapproval of me, which alienated their relationship. I felt as if I was dealing with my grandmother Elsie all over again. They had very similar personalities.

After six months of therapy, I saw no improvement. Barry was taking medication which seemed to suppress his sexual needs, but that didn't make him any happier. I called the doctor and told him that life was not getting any better. In some ways, it was even getting worse. He then explained to me that he wasn't expecting things to get better. When I questioned why, he explained that Barry had no interest in getting better. He told me that the only reason he was going to therapy was because I threatened to leave him if he didn't. But that did not mean he was working at it or was ever going to make a change because he did not want to do it.

That was a powerful lesson to me at the age of 25. **People who don't want to change won't change no matter how much _you_ want them to change.** This was the beginning of my understanding that **women need to work on changing themselves rather than work on changing their men.**

Barry was also diagnosed with severe depression. The doctor said that he was in the top two percent of depressed people nationwide. Continued medication may have helped him, but he wasn't willing to keep taking it. I learned that many people with obsessive compulsive behavior do not want to recover from their disorder. Their obsessions give them a sense of security and a feeling of control because they feel they do not have control in their own lives.

I am able to recognize people who are like this very quickly. Any time a man keeps 3 X 5 cards in his shirt pockets, it's a sure sign. Anyone who has to wash his hands for a half-hour at a time or takes hour-long showers at a time is struck with this. Anyone who continually collect objects that mean more to him than his relationship is a sure bet. And the dozens of men I know with this disorder - without exception - come from very controlling and rigid parents.

Barry became dangerous towards the end of our relationship. I know that he loved me immensely and would never intentionally hurt me - but it was the unintentional part that scared me. One day, he couldn't find a newspaper clipping and he went into a terrible rage. He took some plates and cups and threw them across the room in frustration, breaking glass all over. Some of that glass hit me and cut me. He felt terrible, but I was scared. The incident happened again two weeks later. That is when I decided it was time for me to cut my losses and move on, and that is exactly what I did.

Of course, there are so many hard lessons in life to be learned, and I certainly made my share of other mistakes in relationships in future years. But as I always tell the women I counsel, practice, practice, practice until you get it right! And of course, try not to make the same mistakes. Let life be a learning experience.

7. Men with Drug and Alcohol Issues

I have met some wonderful men who are sober or clean for a period of time. They really work at it very earnestly, "going with the program" as they say. Staying clean and sober is one of the greatest challenges that any person can face. Sad to say, I am not a stranger to this problem. My younger brother died in my home at the age of 33 after a 20-year addiction. An even greater tragedy was the loss of my daughter, Jennifer, at the age of 22, after a three-and-a-half year heroin addiction in 2002.

I was naïve about drugs when my brother was using them. I watched him get stoned and zonked out. He lived me the last three years of his life because he had burnt all of his other bridges. This is often the case of addicts. My brother was a loveable addict, but his habit was unlovable and uncontrollable, often leading to family friction. I loved my brother, so I let him live with me, but it was taxing at best. My brother loved being high and never promised he would recover. He was open and honest about not recovering - ever. He died peacefully after taking his typical daily dose of narcotic pills the way he wanted to be - high. He didn't die from an overdose, but rather a toxic build up in his body from the overuse of narcotics.

The death of my brother greatly impacted my family, especially my mother, who never totally recovered from his death. My two children were both members of anti-drug groups when they were elementary school, and, in fact, my daughter won various awards in the say "no" to drugs campaign. That was the irony of her life. She started using drugs recreationally by the age of 14. You may wonder, "Where were you - in La La land?" Honestly, I was clueless. She never let me see her high and even when I questioned her about her sometimes red eyes, she would start sniffing and say it was allergies. "Honest mom. Don't you believe me? Why are you always accusing me?" The demise of my daughter's life through heroin is a story for another time. It was one of the two greatest tragedies that I faced in my life, and I have had some real challenges put in my path but none with hurdles like this.

The reason that I bring up my daughter's addiction is because I really worked it with her for three years when she revealed her heroin addiction up until the last three months of her life when I practiced tough love. My ex-husband and I had her in 12 different programs in her attempts to recover. She would do well for a while, but then the lure of heroin was too strong for her.

Now, it has been ten years since her death, and I am no longer angry at her or disappointed by her. I believe addiction is a disease. When I was going to the numerous Narcotic Anonymous meetings with my daughter, and the speakers would talk about addiction being a disease, I didn't buy it. I thought it was a weakness rather than an illness. At these meetings, I would listen to the stories of the other addicts sitting in these "recovery" programs. The stories were heartbreaking, but I wasn't feeling sympathy for the addicts - but rather their abandoned spouses and children.

Even though I have come to believe that addiction is a disease, I still think you have to have a certain amount of selfishness not to care about anyone around you and how it emotionally impacts the people who love you. When my daughter wasn't using, she was a caring, giving person. She was always trying to help others and inspired quite a few. At her funeral, a number of young women were there who told me that Jennifer was instrumental in their recovery. This was certainly somewhat of a comfort, but I resented that she was the one who was dead. In grieving, you think many things that change over time. But the pain was so overwhelming with the loss of a child, that you lash out looking to put the blame anywhere - but especially on yourself.

Getting back to my point, when I went to these rehabs and met the people going through recovery, there was a disturbing pattern. Too many of these people had spent a lifetime in recovery. They were in and out of the recovery cycle: picking up, sometimes overdosing, then ending up in detox centers, rehabs, half-way houses, clean and sober houses and then repeating the cycle. It amazed me that someone could stay clean for 20 years, have a family, be a drug counselor, and then end up in a rehab after falling down again. Of course, most people relapsed far more quickly and often. Their families went through these cycles over and over again. It was a lifetime of standing up and falling down, and never knowing when the fall would take place. Talk about walking on eggshells....it is a very difficult way to live.

I know there are people who have been in recovery for long periods of time and put their lives together. But relatively few people who do hard drugs do recover totally. It is still taking a risk to go with someone with this problem in his background. I believe so strongly that drug addiction and alcoholism are genetically predisposed. I see it all of the time wherever I go. These genes run in a family. It may skip some of the people or even a generation. But the potential is there and it may affect your future generations.

Even if you are not having children together, it's important to realize that someone with a past history of drug and alcohol abuse most likely has other problems relating to mental health. Most drug centers believe that depression or other forms of mental illness are tied in with all drug addiction. They are not sure whether or not the person was depressed and therefore took drugs, or the person is depressed after he/she has to recover because they are giving up drugs. Either way, the vast majority of people are on some kind of medication. As I discussed earlier, it is never easy living with someone who has mental health issues even if there are no addiction problems.

8. Men with Sexual Issues

Even though I have written extensively on sexuality, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for a man to be sexually functional when you hook up with him. Too many women are so uneducated about this aspect of life, and it really concerns me. In nearly 30 years as a relationship counselor, I have worked with over 75,000 women with husbands who were sexually dysfunctional in some way. Let me go through just a few of the problems here.

I know that people state that you can't look at _just_ the sexual aspect of a relationship before committing to someone. But if you are a sexually healthy woman, **YOU BETTER LOOK AT THAT ASPECT FIRST BEFORE YOU MOVE AHEAD.** A woman with a healthy sexual libido deserves a man who can make her feel wonderful in the bedroom or wherever else making love takes place. With so many men having so many sexual problems, it is imperative that you go into a relationship at least knowing that your mate can satisfy you in a meaningful way. I have worked with too many women who told me they knew that their sex life wasn't great _before_ they committed, but they kept hoping that in time it would improve.

People smile or snicker when I brag about my sexual situation with my soulmate. We have been together for over 18 years and every time we make love, it's like a theatrical production that brings down the house. And my man has the best attitude about it. He tells me that, "Making love to you is a way that I express how much I love you." I know he loves me a lot because he makes sure that I feel totally satisfied every single time. That is what makes him happy. What makes me happy is knowing that I do the same for him. What also makes me happy is the intimacy that has built up through the years that carries us through the times when we may not be able to make love due to illness. We can still lie in each others' arms and feel the love. Sex is not the only part of our relationship, but it sure is an important part of it, even though we are beyond middle-aged. Without it, I would not feel as if I were with my soulmate, but rather with my brother. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is like my "brother" - I want a lover!

I say this because there are some women who write to me to tell me that their husbands are their best friends. They have wonderful friendships with them and love being with them to go shopping, vacations, dinners, outings with friends, and family holidays. "We are the perfect couple. I think we are the perfect couple. Well, other than having no sex, we are the perfect couple." I think some women just don't get it. Without sex, **there is no perfect couple**. Sex is part of the foundation of having a healthy relationship. It is not the icing on the cake, it is the cake. It is not extra sprinkles - it is the cake. In other words, if the marriage is missing the sex part, there is **SOMETHING WRONG.**

If there is anything that you are not comfortable with sexually prior to or after marriage, **PUT A STOP TO IT IMMEDIATELY.** This is a letter I recently received from a woman to give you an idea of what some women put up with:

Hello Bonnie-

I heard you on the Z morning zoo radio station in Salt Lake City. I decided to look at your web site to see if it could answer my question. It didn't say anything about this topic so I decided, with lots of guilt, to write you. Here it goes....

My husband really likes to have anal sex, a lot. Even when we have normal sex it seems like the only way he can climax is if he puts his finger in my anal. He says he just really likes my "ass" and to see it. I say to him he can still see it from behind the correct way. I ask him why he likes it so much and if it is because it is tighter. He responds saying, "Kind of." He says he thinks I get into it more. I don't think that can be true because I've told him several times how it hurts and I even come to crying in the action sometimes. I don't think he is trying to hurt me; in fact, he is more gentle and romantic with me that way. He also likes me to give him attention in that area. I don't do it very much but when I do he goes crazy.

He always wants to be with me and another girl and I have given him that twice even though it was not something I wanted to do. Curiously, I asked him how about another guy. He was completely repulsed. He thinks guy on guy is completely disgusting. I caught him looking at porn on the computer. None of it was guy on guy anal but girl with guy anal. We have only been married for 4 years and I am scared that with the kind of sex we are having now, how is it going to be in the future. Will I ever be able to please him and be enough for him? Please help me as soon as you can!!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

I was so disturbed when I received this letter. The fact that this woman has to cry during sex because it is painful is very upsetting. The fact that some women will resort to anything to please their husbands, including sex with another woman to make him happy, is repulsive to me. And sadly, I have received thousands of letters over the years from women who have entered into all kinds of sexual arrangements that were hurtful to them just to please their husbands in their attempts to become "better wives." **Ugh.** **WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?** In some countries and cultures, women have no choices. They are slaves to men and have to take this abuse. But in our world, in the year 2012, you would think that women would realize that they don't have to live like this. They have choices - including the choice to say **NO** and **GOODBYE**.

Sexual esteem is so easy to destroy. Some women just shut down because they feel as if they are failures in the bedroom when, in fact, it is their men who are the failures. Women, in general, are at a disadvantage when it comes to sex because most of us don't have the sexual experience that men have. And even if the men don't have much sexual experience, their egos don't allow them to believe that they could be the failures - it is the woman who is cold, frigid, unfeeling, non-sexual, hung-up, etc., etc., etc. I have not met the man yet who has said, "I am not a great lover." **They all think that they are great lovers because they satisfy themselves**. I have been with a number of men who honestly believed that because they were satisfied, I should be satisfied.

That is the sad part. We feel that if we are not satisfied, **we** are the failures. We are just not good in bed, and these men know how to talk us into that. There are plenty of men who are inadequate at making love for whatever reason. There are dozens of reasons, but none of them matter much to me. They can come up with whatever excuse they want including previous sexual abuse, medication, stress from work, financial reasons, religious reasons, family situations, and this list is just beginning. I don't mind being sympathetic as long as they take responsibility for the problem and do not pass it on to you, the innocent party.

If you are not satisfied with your mate in the bedroom, trust me when I tell you that in time you will not be happy with _yourself_ when you are out of the bedroom. When you lose your sexual esteem, it walks hand and hand with your self-esteem.

9. Men with Diverse Cultural Differences

Beware of men who are tall, dark, and handsome. When I was growing up back in the old days, that term was quite popular and it referred to men who were Latin or Italian. Women are intrigued by men of different cultures. There is a cloud of mystery about them, and some women find this exciting and challenging. I find it exhausting. I have been in short-term relationships with men from different cultures in my younger years. I have known women who thought that they found the loves of their lives only to be sorely disappointed once the cultural differences started taking over.

It reminds me of the true story that was made into a movie **Not Without My Daughter** with Sally Fields who played the American woman, Betty Mahmoody, who married the Americanized Muslim Arab doctor. Betty is a devoted wife and mother. She appears to have a wonderful marriage with her husband, Moody, who was born and raised in Iran. Moody pleads with his wife to visit his relatives in Iran for two weeks. She feels uneasy about it, but gives in. Once the couple is in Iran, Betty, who is troubled by the oppressive way that women live, is told that they will not be returning to the United States because they are relocating. She is forced to wear Muslim clothing to cover her body and not allowed to question her husband at the risk of physical abuse.

Betty went to the U.S. Embassy for help because she was desperate to leave. The embassy tells her that she has the legal right to leave the country, but she cannot take her daughter because in Iran, the father has legal custody of the children. Betty is determined not to leave without her daughter and resolves to try living in Iran. She is beaten and locked inside her room for days for disobeying her husband or questioning him. Her daughter is constantly scolded and punished at the school that she is attends. Betty and her daughter, Mahtob, must learn to survive in a country where she knows nothing of the language, customs, or laws.

Eventually, through a wing and a prayer and very clever work, Betty and her daughter are able to escape the country. I know this movie was really a wake-up call to many women because it sure was to me. It was so disturbing to see how a man who seemed so kind and compassionate could turn into such a horrible monster when put in a different environment.

Many different cultures have different values. For example, the Latin culture has what they call "Machismo." This is supposed to mean "manly," but in fact, these men have been brought up culturally to believe that the men rule and the women do what they are told to do. This is also a prevalent thought in many other cultures including Arab countries where women have no choices. They are at the whim of their husbands.

Sometimes it is very difficult to bridge the gap between different cultures, and sometimes there can never be a bridge between them because the differences are too diverse when it comes to male expectations of women. Also, there are tens of thousands of men from different countries who are here looking for an opportunity not to be deported back to their countries. They will charm the pants off of you literally looking for a marriage partner because their visas will soon expire and they need a legitimate reason to be here. Women who are vulnerable and looking for love but not finding it often fall prey to these men. I have met them before their marriages and after. When their husbands have the bait on the hook, the honeymoon is usually over. The reality sets in, and it is usually shocking.

With more and more men trying to escape their countries for a variety of reasons such as poverty and lack of opportunity, this is a situation that can easily happen. There are other reasons why foreign men are in this country as well. Several years ago I watched a program where a woman, Saraah Olson, discovered she was married to one of the men involved in the Al-Qaeda terrorist organization. Olson was 22 when she met her husband while she was working at a local college in California. Her job was to issue foreign students visas. She fell in love with her future husband, Diab, who was then 32.

When Diab was unable to renew his visa because Saraah told him that he wasn't qualified, he asked her out on a date, treated her with love and affection, and in a few months, they were married. Olson and her 4-year old son from a previous relationship both converted to Islam to please Diab. She had no idea what horror laid ahead.

Her husband made her wear the scarf to cover her head worn by Muslim women. She also had to practice other Muslim customs. Diab set up strict rules, and when she violated them, he would beat her. He also started giving her son regular beatings for any infraction of the rules including mispronouncing Arabic words. .Saraah told a reporter that her husband said, "You have to listen to me and I am God. Follow the rules."

In order to escape being beaten, Saraah participated in a number of illegal activities which she wasn't proud of. She claimed that she alerted the FBI, but they never took her seriously. She was too scared to walk away. In time, after all of the fallout from 911, someone took her seriously.

This is my point. There is an old saying, "Beware of strangers carrying gifts." Let these two stories of Betty Moody and Saraah Olson be a warning to you. Ladies, think very hard before you find yourself getting involved with someone whose culture is totally different than yours. These men will charm you because they know how to do it. They will promise you a wonderful, bright happy future that could easily turn into a personal hell.

**Chapter 5**

The Issue of Self-Esteem and Sexual Esteem

I am the first to understand the need to be wanted and loved. We live in a society that still has the expectation of marriage as the bottom line. We grow up reading fairy tales like Cinderella and Snow White that end happily ever after because some handsome prince comes along, and we want to believe this will be our ending. We are quick to look for Prince Charming from the time we first become interested in boys as teenagers. Rarely can a teenager make the correct decision in a mate for the right reasons. I, like most girls, was immature and superficial at that age, basing most of my decisions on the looks of a guy, not his qualities or lack of them.

A famous psychologist, Abraham Maslow, developed the theory on people's needs in life. Of course, the strongest needs are physiological needs such as food and water. The second strongest needs are safety and security, primarily a safe place to live without threats of violence, war, and other tragedies that produce fear and anxiety.

The third greatest need is for love and belonging. This is where you feel the need for friends, a life partner, children and affectionate relationships. What this means is that we have the desire to marry and have a family. Without this love, we become increasingly susceptible to loneliness and social anxieties.

The next need that Maslow puts on his scale is for self-esteem. This ties in directly to the need for respect from others, status, fame, glory, recognition, attention, reputation, appreciation, and dignity. On another level, this includes self-respect, feelings of confidence, competence, achievement, and independence. This builds self-respect which is the key to self-esteem. Without having these qualities, we end up having low self-esteem and inferiority problems.

In poorer cultures, the need for love and respect are not nearly as strong because they have to worry about surviving while finding food, water, and shelter. But in our country, where most of these needs are met for most of the people, we move up the ladder to the areas of needing love and self-esteem. Ironically, what many of us think of as "love" will in time destroy our self-esteem. Self-esteem is a tricky issue for women. I used to think that women who were beautiful all had high self-esteem. All they had to do was look in the mirror to feel good about themselves. Of course, I have learned throughout the years of my counseling that looks have nothing to do with it. I have seen beautiful women who have less self-esteem than women who are not as blessed by nature. That is just the way it is. It still shocks me to find beautiful women floundering in life and not feeling good about themselves because I always think, "If I looked like that, I would be in Hollywood." That is how beautiful some of these women are - Hollywood caliber - but they still feel unattractive, worthless, and like failures.

I have seen women whom I honestly believe had high self-esteem transform into a stranger not only themselves but also those around them. This is because they are living with men who know how to strip them down layer by layer until they no longer remember who they were before the relationship. That is what living with the wrong man can do to you. In addition to robbing women of self-esteem, some of these men are quick to steal away a woman's sexual esteem. Without sexual esteem, you feel even worse. Men who continue sexual rejection make you feel inadequate.

When a woman feels as if her husband would rather be anywhere but in bed with her, she starts to wonder what _she_ is doing wrong. If she knew that her husband was sexually dysfunctional, that would certainly explain it. But when she doesn't know, these women personalize the failure of their sex life as _their failure_. Why doesn't my husband want me.... why doesn't he find me arousing..... what am I doing wrong..... maybe if I was more attractive..... maybe if I lose weight.... maybe if I have breast implants..... maybe if I try liposuction... maybe, maybe, maybe.

I hear people say that sex is the part of a couple's relationship that takes the least amount of time. Let me emphasize this again. Maybe the part about the amount of time is true. But it is such an important part of a relationship because it creates intimacy, closeness, and trust. A healthy sexual relationship builds sexual and self-esteem in a woman because she feels desirable. I had the good fortune in my life to learn this after having the misfortune of being robbed of what belonged to me too many times by men who were selfish and uncaring about my needs.

I counsel women whose marriages/relationships need to end, and yet they continue to stay year after year after year. When I think about all of the wasted time that women spend in these marriages, it makes me very sad. These are years that lack affection, passion, compassion, and intimacy. These are years that drain away their sense of self-esteem and self-worth. These are years when these women are forced into the exile of celibacy because their husbands will not have sex with them. For many, they are years of stunted personal growth because without nurturing, people don't grow to reach their potential. It is like watering flowers so they can bloom. These are years filled with frustration, anger, self-blame, and tears. I used to be one of these women who would go to bed crying out of hurt and loneliness - even though someone was lying in bed right next to me sleeping soundly. **This is not the way life was meant to be.**

I never judge women who write to me about their pain. I am a patient woman. I know how difficult it is to walk away from a mudslide - or more like a pool of quicksand. Every woman has to move at her own pace. And as long as a woman recognizes that there is a problem in her marriage/relationship, there is hope. As long as a woman knows that she is unhappy because she is living with a man who is dysfunctional, there is a chance of changing her life. I have worked with the most shattered and battered of women who felt there was no way out - short of death. But with enough support, encouragement, and logical thinking, they have realized that there are positive choices they can make - and in time, they make them.

**Chapter 6**

The Prototype of Woman That A Dysfunctional Man Seeks Out

Men who are dysfunction, regardless of it is emotional or sexual dysfunction, are quick to turn the tables on the women they live with and make them feel like all of the problems in the relationship are their fault. The blaming kinds are the selfish ones who would rather blame you than find out what their problem is. Or, they know what their problem is and rather than admit that they have a problem, feel better blaming you.

That is not to say that there are some women who are bad risks as well, but for the most part, women are not "built" like men emotionally, and they have far more humanity and humility than men as a whole.

When men are dysfunctional either emotionally, sexually, or both, there is a prototype of a woman that they seek out. If you are aware of this information, and you find yourself in one of these categories, it is important to be aware that you need to work on your issues before you fall victim to a man's issues that will drag you down to the depths of his hell. Sometimes in our desperation to be loved and wanted, we so easily jump into destructive relationships with predators. Many of us have been with men whom we knew were not worthy of our love, but we felt, "Well, it's better than being alone." I think we are all entitled to make this mistake at least once, and believe me, who am I to throw stones at glass houses? Mine would have been shattered dozens of times. But one thing I must say that I admire about myself is if I find out that I have made a mistake, I have the inclination to find a way out of the mistake. I have never, ever said, "Well, this was my choice and I have to live with it." You don't have to live with it. You need to end it and start again. In other words, **there is no shame in making the mistake. The shame is in not correcting the mistake.**

These are some of the common characteristics I have found in women who marry dysfunctional men:

1. Low Self-Esteem

Women who have low self-esteem are prey to a variety of undesirable men including those who practice physical, mental, verbal, and sexual abuse. And, in a society that rewards people for beauty, business savvy, and intelligence, I would estimate that half of all women are lacking in the area of self-esteem for one reason or another. It is not our fault, but rather the fault of a male-driven society that sets these standards of desirability for women. Even if we spend years achieving extraordinary accomplishments, it just takes one jerk to knock down whatever confidence we have built up.

The women I counseled with a higher self-image walked away from destructive relationships more quickly because they believed they deserved better. The ones with lower self-esteem prior to marriage tried to make them work in every possible way, fearing loneliness and fearing financial disaster. They believed that having an abusive husband is better than having no husband.

Women with low self-esteem equate being alone as being a failure. They would rather suffer more being married than suffer less being single. A dysfunctional marriage robs them of their self-worth, and they feel as if they are unable to cope alone. After all, they weren't coping that well on their own before the marriage. The longer they remain in the marriage, the more their self-confidence erodes and the less likely they are to leave the relationship.

Dysfunctional men easily recognize this trait in women. Either consciously or unconsciously, they choose this type of woman as a wife knowing that they can do what they want without fearing a penalty if they are caught. They have faith that their spouse will accept their bad behavior, and they are often correct.

2. Women Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Homes

Another factor that plays a role in the choices we make is the home environment that a woman grows up in. If a woman is raised in a home where her father was controlling, domineering, emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive, chances are she will find a man just like her dad. I know this has no sense of logic, but remember, it is that learned behavior that I spoke of earlier. If the mother of the woman hung in through the years of dysfunction, then the message is that this is acceptable and expected. When the woman picks a husband who has similar traits to her father, she believes that this is acceptable behavior - and it's not.

Too many women have told me that their mothers encouraged them to learn to "overlook" some of the idiosyncrasies about their husbands. "No one is perfect. He's a good provider. So what if he.... talks to you in a degrading manner.... stays out late with his friends.... has a little indiscretion.... gambles away the savings.... hits you one time.... etc., etc., etc.

I know right away that these mothers led unhappy lives and that is why they are giving their daughters bad advice. I feel very blessed that I had a mother who always supported my breaking up of unsuitable relationships/marriages. She never questioned why I wanted to break up, just what was taking me so long to make the decision! She never said that, but I knew she was thinking it. She was one of the few women that actually learned from the unhappiness of her own marriage.

My mother passed away in April of 2000 from lung cancer at the age of 67. She was the most beautiful of women both inside and outside. My mother was my best advocate. She was always encouraging to me no matter how much she may have disagreed with my decisions. I was the oldest of five children, so I had the benefit of spending the most number of years with her, developing a close and loving adult relationship with her after a rocky one throughout adolescence. I always walked to the beat of a different drum, which can be quite taxing to those who are walking on a straight line. But over time, my mother came to appreciate our differences and never failed to supply whatever material, monetary, and emotional support I needed in the difficult years of being a single parent after the breakup with the father of my children.

My mother's life was not an easy one. There are multitudes of men who are irresponsible - my father vying for a place at the front of the line. My father left my mother walking away from five children, bankrupting his business, moving 3,000 miles away, and leaving us virtually homeless while he lived next to Beverly Hills with all the luxuries life has to offer. Back in the 1960's, the courts were not very responsive to child support and my mother lacked the resources to fight my father at the other end of the country. And so my mother began a struggle to survive and feed us. They were difficult and trying years, but she had a great sense of inner strength. With nothing more than a high school diploma, no viable work experience, and five children, my mother went to work as a typist for $75.00 a week and struggled to jump over every possible obstacle life presented. At that point, I was 16, but my sisters were babies - 2, 4, and 6 years old. I was rebellious and clashing and always on my own page. And yet, my mother was able to overcome whatever adversity was thrown her way. She battled back, worked many extra hours, educating herself in the world of business by going back to school. In time, she became a highly respected marketing manager for a major national insurance company, spending her last working years in the World Trade Center in New York City. When people ask me where I get my survival inner strength, I tell them from MY MOTHER. She was my role model to look up to and try to emulate.

My father tortured my mother long after he walked out on her. He purposely delayed getting a divorce for years playing all kinds of psychological warfare games with her because he was so dysfunctional. One day, many years later when he decided to get remarried, he gave my mother the divorce. I mention this so you'll understand the context of the words my mother wrote to me upon the completion of my divorce in 1985. Here are those words:

Dearest Bonnie

This is not the funny card I was going to send, but instead one the color of sunshine, the sun bringing to mind that whatever happens to people, joys, tears, health, sickness, weddings, or divorce, the sun always rises bringing new life, spirit, and vitality to the world. Remembering the words, "On This Joyous Occasion" from the first time, those occasions change, and we do the best we can to look ahead to brighter days and happier times. Divorce is a finality and a conclusion to a mistake. You should be proud that you brought this to an end from a legal standpoint and a morale standpoint. Your children will someday admire your decision, as to not divorce but know of the reason for your unhappiness would lower their feelings of strength they see in you and count on for their future. Someday, they may have to accept his failings but never your weakness. My life, in limbo all these years to suit your father's fancy, has been unproductive, restrictive, and foolish on my part. Now it is too late to recapture my years, but I'm comforted in the fact that you face a free new road. Enjoy your freedom and strength. I am proud of you always.

Love Mommie.

My mother was a woman of few written words. This was why I was so overwhelmed when I received this card with pictures of rainbows and sunshine. Re-reading it all these years later reinforces for me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful mother. That is why I feel so saddened when I get letters from women who tell me how their mothers don't support them or their decision to leave their dysfunctional husbands. It is not bad enough that they have to travel through a maze of confusion and hurt, but to not have family support with this makes it so much more difficult.

I am sharing the words my mother wrote to me at a low point in my life. In case your families don't give you the support you need, hang on to the words of my mother, because they were written to me, but I am sending them to you for support.

3. Women with Limited Sexual Experience

If a woman has had a diversified sex life, she is more likely able to tell when there is something wrong sexually in a relationship. Although most of my counseling through the years has been with women who have husbands with sexual differences such as homosexuality, bisexuality, fetishes, and transgendered, I have also worked with hundreds of women whose husbands' sexual dysfunction was not due to sexual differences. The common bond was that most of these women had either very limited or no sexual encounters prior to marriage. A man who is sexually dysfunctional knows that he will have a difficult time when it comes to making love, and therefore, he consciously or unconsciously tries to find a woman who will not be able to compare him to other men.

The problem is that women who grow up with different religious and cultural backgrounds are taught that sex before marriage is not allowed. I have worked with women who remained virgins until marriage because this is what they were told they had to do or else in the next lifetimes, they would suffer in the depths of hell. Religion and culture are powerful forces. And although I don't always feel comfortable trying to persuade women to go against their upbringing, I feel it is essential that they go into a marriage knowing first if there are obvious problems and saving themselves from suffering in those depths of hell now while they are here on earth with a husband who is dysfunctional.

Many women whom I counseled told me that they had "satisfactory sex lives." They thought their sex lives were satisfactory because they had nothing to compare it to. Once they moved on and found new relationships, they first realized how terrible their sex lives really were. They could have saved themselves many unhappy years by knowing ahead of time.

4. Women Who Have Been Abused Sexually

Some women who have been sexually abused through their years of growing up are happy when they find a man who is not sexually aggressive. Sexually dysfunctional men are thrilled to find a woman who had sexual issues in her past and not looking to rush into anything sexually in their present. These women enjoy the companionship and outward affection of a man such as hand holding and a non-aggressive kiss. But there is no need to go any further than that because of the fear of what could and would trigger terrible memories.

Sometimes, these are the marriages that really work well because there are no sexual expectations so no one is disappointed. Loving someone like a brother is enough of a reason for these women to stay in this relationship. And the dysfunctional man never feels pressured to take Viagra or perform, so he's happy too. In fact, if he is having "indiscretions" with his fetishes - no problem. His wife is happy that someone is taking her spot in the bed so she won't have to.

5. Tolerance and Acceptance

Some wives of dysfunctional men are the most tolerant and accepting people that I have ever met. They would be my choice as friends because they have a great sense of humanity. A dysfunctional man is attracted to this type of woman because he believes that once his dysfunction comes out, the wife will accept the situation because she is so accepting of people in general. These women are different than the ones with low self-esteem. They are generous in their compassion for their husbands in hopes that they will change and become better men. These women have an easier time leaving than the wives who have low self-esteem because they realize in time that their husbands can't change no matter how much support and nurturing they give them. Then again, sometimes they stay because they are able to accept their husbands with all of his faults. They keep hoping that in time, their husbands will change at least a LITTLE for the better. But they don't.

**Chapter 7**

Common (Mis)Behaviors to Watch Out For

In addition to watching out for the numerous problems that I have already warned you about, there are four other areas that fall into the category of **personality disorders** that you need to understand. These are:

1. Narcissism

2. Sociopathic Behavior

3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

4. Emotional Manipulation

Millions of dysfunctional men suffer from these destructive behaviors - meaning "destructive to you" behaviors. They can be well hidden in the beginning of your relationship or somewhat overt without you recognizing what the behavior really means because some of these men are lifetime liars and con men. Let's take some time to learn about them.

1. Narcissism

"Narcissism" refers to men who are egotistic, self-absorbed, selfish, vane, and braggarts. It is easy for vulnerable women to fall for men who are narcissists. Some of them are quite charming, and they often stretch the truth about what they have accomplished in their lives. Actually, in some cases, they downright lie about their importance and talents convincing you that they are leaders in an industry or famous in their field. Because they are so convincing, you are often falling for someone who doesn't really exist - except in his own mind. You feel flattered because they spend so much time talking to you until you realize that they are talking to you only about themselves. They may ask you how you feel, but regardless of your answer - good or bad - they then turn the conversation back to them within 30 - 60 seconds whether you are finished replying or not!

Men who have narcissistic behavior make life "all about them." The world around them has to revolve around them. Their needs will always supersede whatever needs you have because they lack empathy when it comes to the feelings of others, including those whom they claim to love.

These men are very needy. They don't just want to be "in" the center of attention, but rather "the center of your attention" demanding constant attention and positive reinforcement from those around them. In other words, they are obsessed with themselves. And if you try to divert the conversation to you, don't expect it to last for more than 60 seconds before you are back on his track talking about him. Narcissistic men are poor risks for relationships because no matter how needy a woman is, there will come a time when she will want her feelings validated. That rarely happens with a narcissist, and if it does happen, it is very momentary.

A narcissistic man is not accepting of criticism. In fact if you mention something that he may not like - even if it is constructive criticism - he will lash out at you and attack your weakest spots in order to embarrass and humiliate you so that you will shut-up and eventually shut down into submission. He will ask your opinion about countless things - but if you don't agree with his off-center points of view, you are now going to be under attack.

These relationships are lose-lose situations. You would have to devote your full time worshipping this man, and at best, he may throw you a kind word here and there. But in the end, he will never be able to love you nearly as much as he loves himself.

2. Sociopaths

This type of behavior is also referred to as anti-social behavior. It refers to people who don't have a concept of right and wrong. Sociopaths build their lives based on lies and deception. They look to con others and take extreme pleasure in doing it. Men with this defect disregard the boundaries of humanity; rather, they make their own set of rules that benefit themselves. They don't care about the law or think about the repercussions of how it will affect others around them if they are caught. In fact, they continue to break the law and justify it. Men who are repeat criminal offenders are part of this group. Like vultures, they prey on the weak and vulnerable. They live for the moment without thinking about the future or how it will affect you or your future children.

These guys usually job hop, never lasting at one place for long because there will always be a conflict with people at their job. They are usually in debt because they have no second thoughts about taking out loans or borrowing money from people and not repaying their debt. In fact, they believe they deserve whatever they are able to con out of people because they feel they "deserve" it. They take their failures out on their wives because you are an easy target. They can be hostile and violent to you and your children. They like to keep moving around from place to place, so don't unpack your suitcase because it won't be long before you're packing up again. Hopefully, you'll be packing your bags to get out.

3. Passive Aggressive Behavior

Men with this personality disorder are different in many ways than overt abusers, but they are what you call "covert" abusers. He won't be yelling and screaming like the rageaholics or beating you like physical abusers, but he will be letting you know on a regular basis that you are the cause of the problems in the relationship. Men with this behavior have usually been taught not to express themselves verbally when they were growing up, so now as adults, they won't be yelling or screaming even in a healthy way. But they will constantly find ways to put you down and make you think you are crazy.

Passive-aggressive men always believe they are victims. They avoid responsibilities and expect you to take care of the problems in the relationship. They often use sex as a way of punishment by withholding it from you. They truly lack intimacy because they don't know how to form deep bonds with their partners.

Most women who marry men with this disorder state that they were loving, kind, and attentive during the courtship and even early in the marriage. But then the behaviors start setting in. It may begin with subtle disapprovals and criticisms. Then it becomes regular with everything you do. In fact, nothing you can do is good enough to make your husband happy. You're not a good enough cook, mother, lover, or house cleaner. In most cases, he won't give you any help - just lots of put-downs making you feel inadequate or crazy. With these guys, everything will be your fault no matter what. They don't do anything wrong - at least in their own minds - and you are responsible for their unhappiness because nothing you do is right. It is so much easier for them to blame you than internalize anything that they have done wrong.

Passive-aggressive men have difficulty keeping any kind of commitments. They promise to do things that never happen. Then they lie and tell you that you're making it up and they never said they would do it. Most women who are with these men feel as if they are living in the movie "Gas Light."

4. Emotional Manipulation

Emotional Manipulation is not a behavior disorder in the same sense of the previous ones listed; however, it is a combination of a number of these behaviors all rolled up into one. Therefore, I felt it was certainly worth mentioning here.

Men in this category are experts at manipulating those around them as far as making people feel guilty. They try to make you feel sorry for them because they feel as if they have been victimized - by everyone - including you! One way they manipulate you is by trying to control you. They tell you what both of you will be doing and when. You don't get a choice in the matter whether it is going to a restaurant or seeing a movie. If you suggest you might like to do something different, they throw back at you that you are always trying to do what you want to do and never what they want to do which makes you give in. In other words, _you are the one who is controlling._

Emotional manipulators know all your weak points and play on them. They encourage you to do things when you say something is important to you, but then when you do them, they try to block you. A good example of this is when I have women who come back to school at my GED Center which helps people prepare to earn their high school equivalency diploma. They come to school all excited because they have a built-in cheering section prior to beginning class, but once they actually start, after a few sessions, things change. Their partners start making them feel guilty for (1) not paying enough attention to the children, (2) not taking care of the household duties like shopping, cooking, and cleaning, and (3) not taking care of them. They make statements like, "I thought your family was important to you, but I guess you're more concerned about yourself than us." They also make sure an argument starts right before it is time for the woman to come to class so she won't want to go. I warn women that the emotional pressure can really be intense and may force them to make a decision to leave the class - and that does happen.

One lesson I tell women to learn from this is that so many of us are caretakers. When we start wanting to take care of ourselves, those around us start to resent it because we have been taking care of all of their needs for so long and they feel threatened. And in some ways, those feelings are legitimate. Some women don't want to keep living in an unfulfilling relationship. She knows that the only way she can move ahead in life is to financially support herself by working. Their men have made them financially dependent which keeps them stuck in the muck unable to do anything. Many of these women have been alienated from their families and friends by these men - either emotionally or physically - so they don't have much of a support system.

Emotionally manipulative men will try to change your mind by making you feel guilty. They can do it through their lack of response to you or by pouting around the house. Some women describe living with them as "walking on eggshells." They may not yell at you, but they know how to throw those little zingers at your weakest points. They want to be in control, and that means controlling your life.

These men mimic a combination of the traits of the three previously mentioned personality disorders. Their world focuses on them - not you; they are not concerned about your well-being or how their attitudes affect you. They are overly needy and demand that you take care of their needs without regard to your needs. Men who are emotionally manipulating never let you take a day off - especially if you are sick. Whatever illness you have is not that earth-shaking - at least to them - and certainly not enough to stop you from doing for them. It is funny how that doesn't work in reverse. Never ever. You can be in the worst pain - like labor - and your man will tell you that he pulled his back and he's in excruciating pain. If you have a throbbing headache, he'll complain that he may have a brain tumor because his head is exploding. Any ailment you have he can have better. He can always out-sick you - and he will. If you are looking for attention or sympathy, look elsewhere because you'll never get it with him.

**Chapter 8**

Finding the Right Help

Women all over the country ask me if I can refer them to a counselor or psychologist for help. This is a major responsibility, and I never refer anyone if I don't know the therapist personally and trust the person's ability to help you move ahead instead of linger behind.

But this raises an important issue. I want to warn you about finding incompetent or misguided counseling. This disturbs me deeply because I receive letters from women who are investing hard earned money but obviously getting very counterproductive advice which leaves them more confused and doubting of themselves. Most people are not familiar with the world of therapy and depend heavily on the feedback they receive from the counselor or therapist. I have learned over the years from women who tell me about the direction of their therapy that this can only add more problems to an already problematic situation.

The majority of women who write to me do not need therapy - they need support. And once they learn that the problems they are facing in their marriage are not their problems but rather the problems of their husbands, they are able to find resolvable solutions just through the support of others who have experienced similar problems.

I have spoken to women whose therapists definitely gave them destructive information. For instance, one woman recently told me about a therapist who advised her to stay with her husband who is a sex addict. Her husband is fixated on pornography and masturbation, but the therapist said that this will pass in time with help and therapy. She has him attending Sexual Addiction meetings and is encouraging the wife to stay "focused" on the marriage and not give up. The wife feels very discouraged because her husband continues to watch these pornographic videos on the computer while she is there, claiming that it excites him to do so because it is like "forbidden fruit." She also knows from her own minimal sex life that her husband has sexual problems. And yet, she has been told to hang in with him because he "can change." This is ludicrous. Watching pornography and masturbating on a daily basis is not a "normal" situation. Trust me on this.

Let me assure all of you that going for marriage counseling together is not going to be the answer to fixing a dysfunctional marriage that is plagued by unsolvable problems. Any therapist who tells you that the problems can be worked on in these marriages is really clueless or out to take advantage of your vulnerability. These are not marriages that have the traditional problems that other marriages face. Marriages with dysfunctional men have a unique set of problems that need to be viewed in their own right.. And all of the counseling in the world is not going to make your husband's problems disappear if they are outside the realm of "normal."

Another important problem that I want to discuss is counselors who hold their own personal beliefs as the truth in their therapy approach. These are therapists who have religious convictions that cloud their objectivity. I have worked with hundreds of women who went to faith based counseling. Their therapists advised them to stay in their marriages, even if their husbands had no intention of changing. Obviously, these women are having doubts about this kind of help being effective because they are coming to me out of frustration and despair. Although I do understand and respect religious personal convictions, I have not found any happy results from women who have to spend years of time trying to make something work based on someone's ability to change into something that he is not. I know that people can change behaviors when forced to do so, but it doesn't change deep rooted problems so the changes are usually temporary. It is similar to what a "dry alcoholic" is. There are people who stop drinking, but inwardly, they can't change what they are. They are never happy, and they resent those around them who have "forced" the change.

If there is counseling to be had, it needs to be counseling with the woman in order to build up self-esteem and independence so that she can make the right decision to leave the marriage. Women in dysfunctional marriages are often emotionally broken and lack the ability to believe in themselves. In these cases, finding a good therapist to help you regain your confidence and courage can be very important. But the direction of the counseling needs to be one of moving ahead, not staying stuck in an unhealthy situation and seeing how you can make it work.

Another word of caution - if you are not connecting to a therapist, end it early and keep seeking someone that you find to be helpful and encouraging. Just because someone is practicing doesn't mean that he/she is competent for helping you. Keep seeking help until you find someone that you feel comfortable with.

At the age of 22, MANY YEARS AGO, I was having some personal problems and decided to seek professional help to guide me through this period. At that point, I had no understanding of counseling or therapy. I went to a local counseling center and they assigned a therapist to me. I went to him for six sessions over six weeks, and after each session, I found myself more and more depressed. He was practicing a form of therapy that was totally ineffective for my problems, but I was too inexperienced to understand this. Rather than switch to a different therapist, I stopped going thinking there was something severely wrong with me because I wasn't benefiting from the treatment. It took me many years and lots of schooling to understand what this man was doing. He was a new therapist and practicing his style of therapy that was not suitable for my type of problem. I wasn't smart or savvy enough to understand that I could have requested someone else who could have been more effective for me.

Many times when we seek out help because we find ourselves in vulnerable situations, we put all our faith in professionals who may not have the expertise we need to resolve our problems. This does not just happen in counseling, but many other situations such as legal or medical problems. That is why it is so important to recognize when something is not working for you and to keep pursuing the professional help that will work best for your specific needs.

During one of my marriages, I sought out marriage counseling because I believed that I was unable to solve the mounting problems we were having. I remember calling a marriage counselor and asking her to make an appointment for me. She told me that without my husband, she could not do marriage counseling. I explained that my husband had no intentions of attending counseling sessions and was strongly discouraging me from seeking help, fearing that I would tell her things that he didn't want me to share. I was very angry when she turned me down because I did not understand that marriage counseling took the willingness of two people to address the problems and work on them. It can't be one party or the other - IT HAS TO BE TWO PEOPLE. Women have told me similar stories and now I can explain why it is a two-party venture. I also tell them that if their husbands refuse to work on the marriage, then there can be no success. However, they do need to go for individual counseling to build the courage to make the move away from the destructive relationship.

The bottom line is this: If you are having problems in your marriage and seeking help to resolve them, don't allow your partner to deter or stop you from getting the help. Most likely he will try to dissuade you or even threaten you. I have women coming to me secretly because they fear the repercussions of what will happen if their husbands find out that they are discussing their dysfunctional marriages with someone. These men know that knowledge brings about power - specifically the power to leave the marriage. Don't allow yourself to be hindered by this. Whatever you have to do to get help, do it. Otherwise, you are doomed. No man should have the power to stop you from finding the comfort and support you need.

**Chapter 9**

How to Become Your Own ManReader

Women fall much too easily into relationships thinking with their hearts and hormones rather than with their heads. Treat your relationship as if you are going for a job. Do not accept anything less from the man than an employer would want from you. When you seek a job, you are looking for employment that has a secure future, upward mobility, excellent benefits, and a boss you can communicate with in an easy going manner. Think of finding a man in the same context. If you take a dead-end job, you become frustrated, angry, and bitter. No one likes to put in hard work without having some type of reward. Try to remember when you jump into a job because you are desperate, it usually ends up being a disaster and you quit. Look at a relationship with a man in the same way. After all, this is not a job - it's your life. Just like an employer, you need to check references on the new man. You can be clever about obtaining this information or you can be direct. By clever, I mean you don't have to let him know why you're asking questions. You can always come up with reasons or justifications.

Here is where to start:

1. Ask for Proof of Who He Is

When you meet a man, the first thing to ask for is proof of his identity. I have seen women tripped up by men who are **game players**. They don't give their real name or their real address. I once dated a man for several months that I developed strong feelings for. He seemed so credible and sincere. We had some wonderful times, but certain stories were not adding up. One night, I was able to sneak into his wallet when he went to the bathroom. Sure enough, his driver's license had a different last name and address than what he had told me. That was a hard lesson. I didn't confront him because I was afraid he would be angry and walk away. That is how insecure I was. However, once the trust was broken, I knew that I had to keep digging to find the truth.

This was before computers were so common or it would have been easy to "catch him" by using spyware. I ended up trapping him when I set him up through my girlfriend who called him pretending to be someone he spoke to in the past and was now ready to meet him. My friend asked him directly if he was involved with anyone at the moment because she wasn't looking to date anyone who wasn't totally available. He took the bait, telling my friend that he was not dating anyone nor had he met anyone recently that he wanted to date. He said he would be happy to go out with her and set up a date for the following week. The day she picked was the one that we normally spent together. The day before our usual date, I mentioned to Andy that I had a special dinner I was cooking the next evening,. He seemed really excited so I was confused. But the next morning, he called me grimacing in pain from a terrible "stomach virus." Then I had to accept the truth - and dump him.

It broke my heart, but it was better to have it broken sooner than later. When I started dating again, I immediately asked the man for his identification when he walked through the door. On three occasions I caught men lying about their basic information. They always seemed to have an explanation such as the changing of their names after their licenses or some other less credible story. I knew that the date would be the last one after the lies.

2. Google Him

Thankfully technology has taken us down a new road that women were unable to travel a dozen years ago. Technology has enlightened us as far as checking out potential relationships through a number of ways. Start by checking him out on Google. People end up on Google for all kinds of reasons - for good and bad. I know dozens of women who were shocked when they followed this advice to find scary information about the men they were dating and ended it when learning the information was true. This leads to the next step.

While we're on the subject of checking him out on the Internet, you can also check him out on the numerous social networking organizations such as Facebook. It's amazing what you can learn about people via that route. A friend recently told me that she met the best guy ever and how she was really falling for him. She did absolutely NOTHING to check him out. After less than a half-hour, I had him all figured out by showing her his "game" on line. All that I told her came true - mainly that he was a game player that just wanted a sexual liaison. He didn't want it to go any further than that. Sadly, she refused to believe me until she got kicked out of bed - so to speak - after he had sex with her. He was totally predictable based on his profiles on line.

3. Check His Police Record

I say that knowledge is power. There are free Internet sites to check criminal records of people and every woman should take a moment to use them. When I have women check this public data base, a number of them are quite shocked to find information that their men never revealed. Some of this information can be from former youthful offenses or DUI's, but it can also reveal other violations that are monumental.

4. Learn Good and Active Listening Skills

Learn to be a good listener and how to ask the right questions. Ask up front questions about values, ethics, and attitudes. Pretend you are interviewing the man as a potential mate for someone you know and love. If the answers do not sound like the kind of answers you are happy with, then back away. **Remember, you are not going to be able to change the basic nature of a person.** If the answers you get do not "feel" right, cut your losses early in the game. If a man does not want to talk about certain issues, **this is an issue.** Men who are hiding their agendas upfront have something to hide. For instance, I have worked with women who are confused about their husbands' sexual dysfunction. Ten, twenty or thirty years down the line, their husbands tell them that when they were in their youth or adolescence, they were molested. These are the kind of issues you need to know upfront because they will affect your relationship sooner than later.

5. Ask the Man for His Resume

Ask a man for his resume. You can use the premise that there is a great job opening where you work for someone with his skills. Or you can say that you need help in writing a resume and would like to see his. Take a look at his work history. If you see too many short-term jobs or too many gaps in his employment, that is a red light. Men who do not have a stable work history are for the most part not stable in their own lives. If a man moves from job to job, he has a problem. It could be a personality problem, a work ethic problem, a social problem as far as getting along with others, or a lack of ambition. Whatever you want to call it, it is a problem.

6. Find Out About His Family

Make sure you meet the man's family. If he tells you that he is not in touch with his family or that he has no local family for you to meet, this could be a problem. If a man doesn't have family ties, it is an indication that there is something wrong with either him or with his family. Even if he is a nice guy and you believe that his family is the problem, realize he comes from a problematic family which will carry into his relationship with you. Remember what I mentioned about "learned behavior."

7. Ask to Meet His Friends

Ask to meet the man's friends. You can judge a person by the friends that he has. If you see that his friends are not the kind of people that you would want to hang around with, then do yourself a favor and don't become more involved. For instance, if a man hangs out with men who are drinkers, chances are he will be a drinker. If his friends are immature and have not developed social skills, chances are he hasn't developed them either. Mature men do not choose immature men to be their friends. If the man tells you he does not really have friends that he hangs out with, this is going to be a problem as well. If he tells you he's a loner, then you will have one of two problems: (1) he will emotionally abandon you in the relationship, or (2) he will try controlling you in the relationship and watch your every move. Men who do not form friendships with other people, men or women, have their own set of problems. Some of them may have compulsive jealousy and controlling ways. This is not a man you want to hook up with.

8. Ask Him to Take You to His House

If a man won't take you to his house, it is usually because someone is living there that he isn't telling you about - like a wife or a girlfriend. This needs to be a red flag. If he won't tell you where he lives or he won't allow you to visit, dump him because there is definitely something wrong.

9. Learn About His Medical Issues

Try to obtain any information you can about his medical condition. Too many men with sexually transmitted diseases are not honest about it. I have had women come to me broken down in tears because they discover that they have herpes, hepatitis, Chlamydia, syphilis, and/or HIV/AIDS. They trusted the man and had unprotected sex, and now their lives have changed - forever. Sometimes a man will be honest. I once went out with a man who really treated me well. He was very enamored with me, and I was beginning to like him. The first time we were about to become intimate, he was upfront and informed me that he had "herpes." He stated that they were not active at the moment, and that he would never do anything to jeopardize me in that way which is why he was telling me. I did not like him enough to take that chance. I would have never felt at ease, and I would always worry if I was going to be infected. There are women who love a man enough to overlook this, but I am just not one of them.

Women with low self-esteem are sometimes willing to accept men with sexually transmitted diseases because they justify the situation this way: "If I were to fall in love with someone and he became ill, would I walk out on him?" This is not a good comparison. When you fall in love with someone and go into the relationship, you always know the possibilities of illness coming up in the future. Even if you meet someone and they have other health issues, you know what the problems are going into it and then you have to make a decision whether or not you are willing to live with someone whom you may have to become a caretaker for. But sexually transmitted diseases are different because there is the strong possibility that you will be infected by them and then have to live with the consequences.

Unfortunately, too many men are not honest in this situation until after the fact. Once they have you hooked they tell you. By checking out a man's medical status, you have a much better chance of uncovering any possible problems that already exist. If your man refuses to share this information, start wondering why. Ask the man if you can meet his doctor to discuss any health issues. If he has nothing to hide, it should not be a problem.

10. Check Out His Computer Habits

If your man spends too much time on the computer, check out what he is doing on it. I am suspicious of men who spend hours on the computer because they are usually not doing research. I have seen computer romances bloom and grow, only to dry up and die after the woman is hooked. There are many women hoping that the computer will introduce them to their soulmate on the many assorted on-line dating services and chatrooms.

There are men who have obsessive needs to keep meeting women online. Even when they are going with you, they can't stop the urge to keep meeting others. These are men who are addicts and just cannot stop themselves, no matter how much they really try. They're addicted. Period.

There are men who have cybersex with women on the computer or men for that matter. When women write to me to find out if they can track the websites their husbands are visiting, I send them directions on how to do some basic checking on their computers. But the most effective way to monitor your man's computer habits when it seems out of control is to purchase spyware. There is spyware available that you can install from the Internet and it will record every single letter the person is typing in. He will never know what you have done, and you can get a print out anytime you like to check out anything including his password, Internet mail accounts, mailbox, and emails. I know many women who have been successful in finding their husbands' infidelity by doing this. You can also purchase spyware for his cell phone. A number of my women had great success doing this. This spyware records all text messaging as well as a log for every phone number he calls.

11. Check the Man's Financial Resources

Before you make any permanent commitments to a relationship, ask to see the man's bank statements. Bank statements can tell you a lot, specifically if the man is financially stable. My grandmother used to tell me that it is just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man. There are some valid arguments to be made in that statement. This is not to say that you have to love a man for his money, but it is so much more difficult to live with a man who has no money. Money cannot buy happiness, but lack of money guarantees that you will have additional problems along the way. If you want the best for yourself, do not put yourself in a situation where you will never have the basic material things in life you desire.

Looking at a man's bank statement should be done in either one of these scenarios: A. If a man tells you up front that he does not have anything, he could definitely be lying because he does not want you to have access to his money. If a man tells you that he has money, he may want to get his hands on yours. This may sound callous, but it is a reality that you'll pay for later down the line. You need to know upfront so that you can make an intelligent decision.

12. Get Sexually Involved Quickly

Get involved sexually in the beginning of the relationship. I say this because so many women are thrown off track when men are acting "respectful" to them. Healthy men with healthy libidos will want to be affectionate and intimate with you. Those men, who say that they "respect" you and will wait until you are married, often have hidden agendas. I always tell my women getting out of unhealthy relationships with sexually dysfunctional men that they should "practice, practice, practice" until their soul mate comes along. By becoming intimate with a man, you can often tell upfront if there is a problem. Men have all kinds of sexual issues. They will also tell you all kinds of interesting stories justifying their lack of sexual interest. It can range from physical illness to emotional trauma. Let's even say it is true. Who cares? The bottom line is that you will be the one cheated out of the life you deserve. Sexual esteem is such an important part of a woman's makeup. If you don't feel wanted and loved as a woman, no matter how nice a man is to you, you start doubting yourself as a woman. In time, this will strip away your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

If your relationship does not start off with good sex, well, guess what? It's not going to "get good." If you start off with good sex, you can build it in time to "great sex."

**Chapter 10**

Some Final Postscripts

I would like to leave you with some final thoughts and words of wisdom. At the age of 60, I have lived life to its fullest and tried to learn from each experience. I have loved many men, and some of them have loved me back. When my self-esteem was low, "loving me back" seemed to be enough. But as life moved on and I started feeling better about myself, I realized it took a lot more than love to make a relationship successful. Love often changes as you change and grow or as your man changes directions. Here are some important final parting thoughts I would like to share with you. Excuse me for repeating some key points, but you can never hear them enough!

When it comes to relationships, I believe there are two distinct kinds of women even if some characteristics overlap. The first kind is the **Romantic Women**. They love to be in love. They love the romance and excitement in a relationship. They thrive on feeling the excitement that passion brings. This passion gives them the energy to go through the days and be productive. With men, they love hard and they hurt deeply. They put all of their energies into a relationship, overlooking many of the basic flaws in their men because they are fixated on the fun and exciting moments. They also are able to make internal excuses for their men even if it is very obvious that there are serious problems.

Women who are Romantics are less likely to remain in their relationships over long periods of time because once the romance is gone, they are gone and on to new adventures. And guess what? There is nothing wrong with this as long as the expectations are understood going in to the relationship. Women like this are often more in love with love than the men they are with. They can fall in love over and over again and really have those strong feelings of passion every time as if each man was the first.

Women who are Romantics need to find men who have a strong sense of excitement and self-growth. If a man is too stable in a relationship, he becomes boring to her. The man needed to sustain this relationship must also have that sense of romance and passion. Sex plays a big part here because it is a way of expressing love for the romantic woman. It also helps develop intimacy for the times when sex not may be possible due to a temporary circumstance such as illness.

The Romantic Woman will do lots of things to prove her love in terms of romantic cards, little gifts, special meals, writing poems, buying lingerie, lighting candles and creating an ambiance that is synonymous with romance. They expect something in return that will keep their interest afloat, even if it's not nearly what they are putting out in effort. After a while, if the man doesn't respond, those overpowering feelings of love and excitement will quickly fade and the relationship is over.

I personally fall into this category. When a relationship is over, I call it the "Jughead Syndrome." Most of you remember the character Jughead from the Archie comic books. Jughead was the silly joker who never had the sex appeal or pizzazz that Archie had. When I married my second husband, he reminded me of Sylvester Stallone. He had the look and certainly the charm. I was in love with my husband, and as a romantic, I looked away at any potential problems because I was mesmerized in by his magnetism. Any of the stop signs that were put in my way I quickly knocked over because I wanted him, and I wanted _us_ to work. We were married after three intensive months, and I didn't really have time to know him. I remember asking myself, "Who is this man?" when we moved into our first apartment together. I realized that I had married a man who was really a stranger to me. We both tried to make the best of an unrealistic situation, but our differences were too overwhelming. As things started to deteriorate in our relationship, I remember looking at him one day. He no longer looked like Sylvester Stallone. He did, however, look very much like Jughead. No matter how I stared at him, his face became distorted and I saw Jughead. That is when I knew the relationship was over. I could not see the same man anymore.

The Romantic Woman often has unrealistic expectations in terms of a long-lasting relationship. She believes in her heart that the bond will be forever and goes into it with all good intentions putting on blinders when it comes to reality. Unfortunately, when the man cannot fulfill her emotional, sexual, and/or romantic expectations, the love dies, and she withers and then slithers out the door. On a personal note, I have been with my soulmate for over 18 years. I am still in love and in lust with him. I know it is because we don't live together. We see each other four or five times a week and talk in between. We are both always at our best when we see each other. Sometimes too much togetherness can take away the excitement factor.

The other category of women is what I call the **Companionship Women.** These are women who are far more realistic in terms of what they are looking for in a relationship. Stability is the name of the game. They look for a partner in life who will be there with them and for them for the long run. Romance is nice, but they are not concerned if it fades in time or for that matter, if it is even there. They love their men for the stability they bring to the relationship. They want men who will grow with them and develop common interests, friendships, and values. While Romantics lose interest with this type of men, the Companionship Women have no intention of ending a relationship due to the lack of excitement. They love their husbands in a deep and caring way and do not necessarily have to be "in love" with them. They hang in against adversity. Their expectations are not nearly as high as far as feeling passion and excitement. When complacency sets into the marriage, they can live with it because they prefer that to a roller coaster.

Companionship Women don't jump into a relationship as quickly and recklessly as the Romantics. They take their time feeling no need to hurry because they really plan to make this relationship one that lasts for a lifetime. They are very calculating in deciding who they will pick to be their husbands. They are not so quick to let those images of hearts and flowers distort their vision because they have different standards of judging than the Romantic Women. They do not need the glitz and glitter that the Romantics require. They seek truth, honesty, family values, and a work ethic as part of the package.

The problem with the Companionship Women is even though they are more careful in choosing their mates, they are also more likely to stay in a destructive relationship because they believe in going down with the sinking ship. In many cases, they are not seeking a divorce because they believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment - no matter what.

Even though the expectations of the marriage are different, and even though Companionship Women may choose more carefully, this is no guarantee that the man they choose will end up being the man they were hoping for when they made their decision. People often grow in different directions as the years progress, and sometimes, one partner or the other doesn't grow at all.

Where the Romantics learn to cut their losses, these women linger on for years of their life, and in many cases forever, because they cannot justify a reason for leaving the relationship. In the end, their personal growth is thwarted because they emotionally admit defeat and live in a state of existence. Some also become co-dependent on their men because their need for companionship overtakes their desire for personal growth and fulfillment.

There are certainly good marriages and relationships because I have seen them. I have not seen many, but I have seen them. These are marriages where couples love their partners and learn to respect each other enough to overlook basic shortcomings, appreciate diversities, and grow together as a couple with common interests and values. They can be the best of friends and lovers. They learn to put the needs of each other before their own personal needs without allowing them to take over their own identity and sense of self-worth.

There needs to be open communication that leads to the resolution of problems rather than fear of confronting them and letting them fester inwardly until resentment builds up and explodes. It takes a lot of hard work to make a marriage successful, but it should not have to be a daily struggle.

People often remark that marriage today is so different than it used to be when they were growing up. The high numbers of divorces today were unheard of when our parents were raising us in the 1950's and 1960's. Guess what? I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing. In my parent's generation, people stayed together no matter what. When my parents split up back in the late 1960's, it was a stigma because we were one of the only families that came from divorce. But it did not mean that people who stayed together were any happier. Many of them were definitely not. Expectations were different in those years. Women had their place in raising the family and taking whatever kind of abuse that came their way. There were double standards. A woman was supposed to lead her life to satisfy her husband. Those days have changed and now women have options without the stigma - at least externally.

I say that because internally, some women still feel that it is their own personal failure if they end a marriage. They believe that it is "admitting defeat," or that they haven't tried hard enough to make something work that just doesn't work. They are willing to endure the personal punishment of living with all types of emotional, mental, and sexual disorders rather than say "I give up." What they don't realize is that they have given up - on living. They live in the valley of the shadow of doom because each day brings them one day closer to emotional death until they become numb and life really does not have that much meaning anymore. It is waking up, doing the day, going to sleep, then waking up and repeating this pattern for years. There is no real personal satisfaction, but these women will stay because they are stuck. I refer to this as "stuck in the muck." It's like quicksand sinking you down, and yet you allow yourself to just sink a little more each day, even when they are outstretched arms trying to pull you out.

At least the Romantics have a better sense of internal survival. They will try it all to make it work, but when it fails, they walk. They pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and start all over again. And even if they do not find someone to fall in love with again, they do not have the need to jump in to be with someone whom they will not be happy with just to have company. They are more contented being on their own than Companionship Women. They do not need someone to validate their self-worth because they are not willing to compromise their happiness as much as the Companionship Women.

There is no victory in staying for the long run if you are not happy. I tell women whom I counsel that you were given one chance to live and be happy. To throw this away is committing a slow suicide each day. You deserve to be happy no matter what the cost is. Financial security is nice, but it cannot buy happiness. I would rather have less to live on and peace of mind than more material trappings and just exist. Life is for living, and if you cannot find a man who makes your life happy, you need to **CUT YOUR LOSSES.**

I have learned that high self-esteem can easily become low self-esteem when you are in the wrong relationship. Self-esteem is a tricky thing. You work hard to keep feeling good about yourself, but those feelings of self-worth can plummet down the drain when you are with a man who doesn't know how to nurture and emotionally support you. Clearly, you don't need a man to "pump you up" everyday with words of kindness just to feel good about yourself. However, when you are with a man who needs to knock you down to build himself up, the deterioration begins. It can be a quick or a slow decomposition depending on your level of inner self-worth when entering the relationship, but regardless of the timeline, it will happen.

Some women tell me that they are afraid to be alone because they are afraid of being lonely. What they fail to realize is that when someone is not emotionally connecting to you, you are alone. There is another body physically living in the house with you **, but this does not mean you are not lonely**. When you are living with a man who is not responsive to your needs, you can be much lonelier living _with him_ than _without him_.

Investing years with someone is not enough of a reason to keep spending more years with him. I never quite understand why women feel the need to keep giving away precious days, weeks, months, and years to a man who will never be her soul mate or partner but _rather an albatross around her neck_. A marriage or relationship is not a death sentence, and yet some women allow themselves to mentally die rather than gasp for breath and come out living. And the funny thing is women in this country have more opportunities than so many other women who are truly stuck in a marriage. Some cultures will never allow their women to leave a relationship, and in many cases, they have no choice in whom they marry. Women in many cultures have arranged marriages. No choice. Love is never a consideration. But in our country we have choices and look how many women just stick in destructive relationships for no apparent reason at all. Although I'm sympathetic, I will never quite understand it.

The main key to being happy is loving yourself. If you don't love yourself, you will never truly be able to love a man enough in a healthy way for either one of you to find a fulfilling relationship. When you learn to love yourself, you develop strong self-esteem. You are able to seek someone who will complement you rather than dominate you. Even if the man of your dreams someday becomes the man of your nightmares, you are able to find the inner strength to say goodbye because you love yourself enough to rescue yourself.

Sometimes the best way to get out of a relationship is to meet someone else. This does not have to be your soulmate. It is what I call a **starter relationship.** It does not hurt a woman to meet a man who makes her feel alive and excited again. So many women lose their sexual esteem while languishing in dead end relationships and forget how wonderful and exciting life can be if they allow it to be. Sometimes when our emotions have been muted for enough years, we don't believe there is anything better in life. That is why I encourage women to find someone who can bring that spark back for them. Sometimes this is the key to ending a bad relationship. But if you admit defeat, you are defeated.

I have worked with women who were the most hopeless of hopeless. They came to me in a state of depression and little motivation to keep living. They really believed that life was over because they were in broken relationships that were beyond repair. They did not understand that walking out a door was not nearly as complicated as they believed. I tell women to make an escape plan. There doesn't have to be a number of days or weeks tied to it - just a plan. When women resolve in their minds that they are going to move out of the relationship, they are halfway there. The rest of the issue is making the plan to do it, following it through, and adjusting it if needed without giving up hope all together if something throws you off track.

I have worked with women on timelines that are comfortable to them, but they seem embarrassed when they discuss it with me. I immediately let them know that the road to escape is a road they must travel and be able to live with. Losing two, three or five more years of your life to a bad marriage while you are preparing for independence is better than spending 20 or 30 years until death do you part - the physical death. You have already died the emotional death.

I believe that there is a soulmate for everyone. Maybe that is the romantic part of me, but I like thinking that there is someone for everyone out there who wants a mate. You have to be open to finding your soulmate, and you have to search for him. It is unlikely that he will just show up at your door unless your soulmate turns out to be the mailman! If you do not seek, you will not find. I looked high and low until I found mine, but it was worth the journey. Until you find your soulmate, I encourage you to practice, practice, practice, so that when you do find him, you are ready emotionally and sexually. Do not be afraid to meet men. Just be cautious so that you don't find yourself spending time with the wrong man. But you can have lots of positive experiences along the way if you enter a relationship with a healthy state of mind, high self-esteem, and great expectations rather than no expectations.

I believe you can have more than one soulmate in your lifetime. Sometimes, life hands you a cruel blow and you lose your first soulmate due to an untimely death. Some women shut down believing that there was only one man who could fill that role. But that is not the case. There are some wonderful men out there, and if there is nothing wrong with finding someone else to fulfill your needs in another relationship. After all, you already know how good a relationship can be when you have the right man.

Sometimes you think you have found your soulmate, but the truth is you made a mistake. For the past 28 years, I have specialized in working with women whose husbands have sexual orientation issues. Through the years, I have received thousands of letters from women who truly believed that they married their soulmate only to learn that the life they were living was an illusion or a lie. They start doubting their sense of judgment because they were so sure that they knew their men, only to learn that they were gay/transgendered/cross dressers/ sex addicts etc. They were shocked to learn that the man they thought they knew so well were strangers who were living separate lives with other partners. I tell these women that it is extremely important to take the time to rebuild their confidence because after this kind of news is revealed, it's easy to doubt yourself for years to come.

The important thing to remember is that by shutting down, you are shutting yourself out of life. You cannot allow yourself to not try again because you did not see what was going on in your life of smoke and mirrors. Take the negatives and make them into positives by learning from each failed experience so that you are more cautious the next time around.

The most difficult part of any relationship is trusting someone again once he has be unfaithful to you. I know women who do it, but I am not one of them. My ego is too fragile to forgive someone who can't be true to me. Quite honestly, I don't know how women can forgive when they know that the man they love has been making love to another partner. I know that some professionals will disagree with me and try to work people back together through lots of hard work in therapy, but once again, I'm just not one of them. Once the trust is broken, I am moving on. And guess what? I'm not ashamed of this. My days of playing detective are long over. I can't live my life watching the daily moves of a man I don't trust. I did that for years, and it was too destructive to me. I know women do it, but it's very debilitating at best.

The longer you allow yourself to dwindle in a wrong relationship will only delay you from finding the right relationship. Your soulmate is out there looking for you, but you'll never find him if you remain where you don't belong.

The bottom line is this. No one was born into this world to be unhappy. Life is a gift that no one has a right to take away from you. If you find that you are loading your body with prescription medications just to cope because your relationship has brought you to that point, you need to move on and find a better space. In almost all cases, happiness is within your reach if you have the courage to reach out and grab it. First you have to believe that you deserve it - then you can make a plan to get it.

**Additional Reading**

After my first _ManReaders_ was published in 2006, I started a newsletter called ManReading. There were some interesting points in this short-lived publication, so I've copied them here for you. I hope they guide you in your journey to be a ManReader.

**Signs of Cheating**

In 2006, a reporter from the Detroit News, Kim Taylor, asked if I could provide her with a list of signs a man is cheating on your because she was doing an article for her newspaper on this subject. Kim had read _ManReaders_ and asked me to provide that list. Here is what she reported in the article:

According to Bonnie Kaye, a counselor based in Philadelphia and the author of the new book _ManReaders: A Woman's Guide to Dysfunctional Men_ , these are the signs women come up against the most when there is going to be a problem in their relationships with cheating:

When you suspect that your man is being unfaithful, and it is a constant feeling... you are generally correct. Most women see signs through changes in their men's behaviors or characteristics. Here are some of the things that you should be looking for:

1. If you see a sudden change in appearance through exercise, clothing, haircuts, and colognes and a decline in his attention to you, this is a sign.

2. If you notice a changes in sexual activity - decrease or increase - and change in sexual habits, this is a sign. Some women ask me why increasing sexual activity would be a sign. Often, if a man feels guilty for cheating on you or afraid that you will suspect he is going elsewhere. He goes out of his way to pump up the action to allay your suspicions and fears.

3. If your man starts to find fault with you even though you are doing nothing differently, this is a sign. Criticizing you is a way for him to ease his guilt.

4. If he is constantly checking on your schedule and what time you are doing things, this is a sign. Cheating men try to plan their activities - liaisons, phone calls, dinners, etc. around times that you will not be around.

5. Some men change their working habits, working late or going out of town on trips too often.

6. If he has a sudden lack of affection, this could be a sign. The less affection he shows, the more likely he is getting it somewhere else.

7. He may go through a period where he feels guilty for his actions therefore he may shower you with gifts. If you notice that you are getting frequent gifts outside the norm of his giving, start to wonder why. You know the story: "If it looks too good, it usually is."

8. When he begins grooming himself like he used to or even dressing differently, it is a sign that he's looking good for someone else. I know when my husband was cheating on me, he would get dressed up, spray himself with sexy cologne, and look much better than he ever did going out with me.

9. If he begins listening to different types of music, he didn't like before, it may be because that is the music choice of his "new lover".

10. Pay close attention to smell. If he smells like smoke or perfume, and you don't smoke and wear that perfume, he is with someone else who is.

11. Look for make-up stains or lipstick on his clothing. Remember, some women who are cheating with your man want to leave signs for you to find.

12. If you are getting too many wrong numbers or hang ups on your home phone, this can be a sign that someone is calling your house who shouldn't be.

13. Watch out for unusual computer habits of spending much too much time on the Internet, opening up email accounts or not wanting you to be around when he's on the computer. Also, watch to see if sleep patterns change because he could be going into chatrooms late at night while you are sleeping. I know men who have online relationships for hours each night while their wives sleep.

14. Money habits such as too many withdrawals from the bank account or opening up a separate account can be a sure sign. Make sure you go over the monthly bank accounts even if you don't handle the money. If your name is on the account, you can always have access to it by going to the bank and asking for a print out.

15. Communication is the key to all relationships, so if you find that he used to talk to you about anything and everything, but now he doesn't, this could be a problem. If he avoids you around the house, secludes himself in other rooms, or is more irritable when asked of simple questions, cheating could be the reason why.

Since that article came out, I have come up with an important point. Keep in mind what the goal is: to find out what is wrong in your relationship because your partner is displaying suspicious behavior. Once you get your first piece of evidence, as difficult as it is not to shout out this news to the world, you will be shooting yourself in the foot if you do this. Why? Men who cheat usually work hard to cover their tracks. If you let on that you are suspicious, he will be able to plan far more carefully as far as activities are concerned. Compile as much evidence as possible before you confront him. Don't tip him off so he has time to cover his tracks.

**Emotional Abuse**

One of the common problems of living with a man who is not worthy of you is emotional abuse. Women tell me that it can be much worse than physical abuse because there are no bruises or physical marks that show. Often, you have a man who is perfectly charming to the outside world, but when he's inside his world with you, it's a totally different story.

I remember a passage from the thousand year old poem called the Rubiyat of Omar Khayyam. This passage has stayed in my mind since my teenage years when I first heard it. It goes:

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,

Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,

Nor all they Tears wash out a Word of it.

These words are quite profound. Think about it. Once someone says something to you, once the words are spoken, they are out. There is nothing you can do in sorry or in humor to take them back and cancel what is said. All the tears that a man breaks down with after the damage is done doesn't change a thing in the long run.

One of my readers who asked not to be identified sent me her list of what she has endured with emotional abuse and asked me to share them with you. In her words:

I don't know if you would like to share this with other people on your websites but I feel moved to share some of what I've learned about the emotional and mental abuse (and men, because I'm sure) that keeps one immobile.

**(+) Money** ; (a primary tool for control; somehow no matter what you do or have done you are always, always in so much debt but your spouse has enough for to spend on whatever their wants or "needs");

**(+) Not communicating** (spouse is "at" a conversation but never "of" it; generally responds with sarcasm and cryptic non-answers to direct questions; the only exception is if the topic centers on the inanimate "thing" they use to control);

**(+) Secretiveness** (about their youth, their work and business trip events; some won't even share their political, social or religious views nor dreams and aspirations);

**(+) Possessiveness** , **Jealousy** of any attention given to others; displays and expresses a **Proprietary claim** on other's achievements or accomplishments even though he/she actively discouraged, was extremely unsupportive and deliberately placed obstacle in the path of your progress toward a goal and/or deliberately caused hardships forcing you to make a choice as who and what is more important);

**(+) Aversion to emotional intimacy** (can't say I Love You; another area where sarcasm and cryptic non-answers are used);

**(+) Aversion to any physical contact** (has to be on their terms - when, where, how all the time);

**(+) Manipulative** (master of the "double-bind" expectations and "double-standard" school of thought which they practice with great subtlety);

**(+) Disproportionate and/or volatile reaction to simple frustrations** (simple accidents like spilling a glass of water may elicit vehement self-disgust - to a computer freezes up or printer malfunctions elicit volatile reaction);

**(+) Must always be seen as Perfect and Right** (takes self so seriously he/she won't accept responsibility or will hide evidence of/or information about simple accidents even when the truth is found out; is risk averse even if it is a calculated risk);

I could list more that I've learned through my 22 year odyssey but I'm not a professional counselor. I just want to share some of the things that nearly drove me crazy - literally. I wouldn't wish the mental and emotional confusion, pain and chaos these behavioral tactics cause on my worst enemy.

**Sexual Esteem**

I am a strong advocate of high sexual esteem. I think people underrate the issue, but I don't for even a moment. So, let's talk about sex!

Thousands of women have talked to me over the years about sex. Some say it is overrated. And believe me - I can understand why they feel that way. It's because the man they are having sex with leaves a lot to be desired. If you are with a man who can't respond to your needs or satisfy you in a way that makes you to look forward to it each and every time, then you've never really experienced the wonder of sex.

It's amazing how many women believe they are having a "good sex life" just because they are having sex. The sad part is that due to lack of experience with sexual partners, they think that they are having a good sex life just because they are having sex - not that it is satisfying.

I have often heard men talk about their wives as being "ice princesses" or "disinterested" in having sex. The truth of the matter is that their wives are disinterested in sex - with them! A lot of men don't get it. They think that sex is an entitlement - for them. _They_ are satisfied because it doesn't take that much to satisfy their needs. But what about you, the woman? Are you walking away feeling fulfilled and satisfied? In too many cases, the answer is no. And that's because the man doesn't care enough about your needs to make sure that you are happy.

I grew up during the era when it was not unusual for young women to be involved with multiple sex partners. I was. I'm not boasting at all - I'm just stating the facts. Due mostly to my low sense of self-esteem, I equated having sex with being wanted by men. Well, I was wanted - but I was wanted for sex because I was easily available. For those of you who don't really know me yet, I try to take all of my negative life experiences and find a bright side. The bright side to this is that I know the difference between a man who knows what he is doing and a man who is clueless.

There are men who know how to make a woman feel sexually complete. In my experience, however, I have not found that to be the majority of men. Most of the men were not sexually tuned in to my needs, but rather to their own needs.

The most difficult problem that I faced for many years was how to tell the man that **I was _not_ feeling it**. I haven't met the man yet who doesn't think he's a great lover. That's because HE is feeling satisfied which equates to YOUR feeling satisfied. And because he is and you're not, either he or you look at this lack of satisfaction as YOUR failure - not his.

I hear from many women how sex diminishes in a relationship as people get older. I seriously question the reason for this. Most of the rhetoric we hear is that women lose interest in sex. I don't believe that at all. I think women lose interest in their sexual partners because there was nothing great there to start with. If a woman has a lover who is creative, passionate, and caring, her sexual interest will continue to be there.

I have friends who are having sex well into their 70's, and still loving it. They look forward to it because it is a way that they express their love for each other - in the best of ways! I am blessed to have found a soulmate and after 12 and a half years, our sex life is at the top of the line - and I'm a middle aged woman in love with a man who is 11 years older than me. We don't have sex - we make passionate love - twice a week. I'm not bragging - I'm just stating a fact.

I have a man who is blind to my overly-abundant body. He just says there is more of me to love. This has made me feel complete as a woman after plenty of experiences that left me feeling bad about myself.

And while we're on the subject of sex, my dear friend Misti from Florida sent me this letter to tell about her experience with her ex-husband:

Dearest Bonnie,

Why is it that hind sight always 20/20? I look back on my marriage and wonder why I have put up with so many things. Little by little I put up with more things and more things. Actually it is sad to say that I can't think of anything good to say about the marriage. The ex was very abusive - emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive. Thank goodness and six peaceful years later most all of those abusive wounds have healed. Of all of the abuse....the worse abuse for me was the abuse that attacked my own sexual identity. As you know, my ex-husband was gay and I didn't know when I married him. He was always degrading me in some way. He was especially good at removing my own femininity. Over the course of our almost 9 year marriage, I went from a young woman to an "IT" than packed on over a 100 pounds. I truly think I packed the weight on for a symbolic protection. If I was only fat enough.....I could "cushion" my feelings and a fat woman in our society surely didn't deserve to be looked at in a sexual way....not even by her husband. I felt neither male nor female.....I would define myself during that time as an ASEXUAL being: Someone who had no value as a woman whatsoever.

The hundred extra pounds and the removal of my femininity didn't come over night. It took years of the ex's comments and actions to remove it. For example, he would even yell at me and tell me that I smelled so bad when I had my period that it made him sick. He said that I stunk......and smelled the whole house up. He said he couldn't sleep with someone that smelled as bad as I did. However, during the time he accused me of stinking so bad.....I had some female problems going on......and I had not had my period in about two years which he did not even realize. Of course, I didn't see that he was insane by saying something such as this....because I wasn't even menstruating. However, I was so emotionally beaten that I internalized all of it........and of course it was my fault that he didn't want to sleep with me. On rare occasion, we did have sex.....and it was always at his discretion. Usually, it wasn't even sex for both of us.....it was oral sex for him. He thought it was my privilege to perform oral sex on him. Not that there is anything wrong with oral sex.....it was just how he expected it.....and told me that men did not perform oral sex on women. It was nasty and there was hardly any men that performed oral sex on women because it was nasty and unnatural to do so. It was the years of hearing this that completely stripped away my femininity.

Finally, after years and years of this.....I realized many things were not good with my marriage. However, over the years I accepted so many things for "normal". I was living in an abusive situation and this insanity really warped my sense of normalcy. I accepted so many as okay.....and my mind and sexual identity paid the price. It took a while to feel like a woman again........ especially a desirable woman. However, to all those out there... you can be restored!!! Life can be transformed and it is too short to live in misery and abuse. It is my wish to everyone that they have a happy, meaningful, joyful, spiritual, and beautiful life filled with love and most importantly filled with SELF LOVE!!

Thanks,

Misti

Sometimes women jump to the conclusion that their husbands are gay because their sex life has disappeared. But there are many reasons other than gay why men are not able to make love to a woman. Sometimes it's due to medical problems and other times it's because of mental health problems. Other things factor into this such as children and stress from the job. But if you see that the days are turning into weeks, the weeks into months, and the months into years, you have reason to suspect.

And while we're on the subject of sexual problems, Linda from Arizona sent me this letter to respond to:

Dear Bonnie,

Thank you so much for your new book, ManReaders. I feel I have a better understanding of my husband, but I'm still very confused and depressed. I recently learned that my husband of four years is dressing up in women's clothing. I caught him accidentally when I came home from work one day two hours earlier than usual due to a migraine headache that was setting in. When I walked into the living room, there was my husband wearing a dress and high heel shoes. Bonnie, I was shocked beyond words. I am a size 10; my husband is double my size. He wasn't wearing my clothes - he had his own wardrobe.

He was as shocked as I was. I may have overreacted, but I started screaming. I didn't know what else to do. He ran over to me and tried to calm me down promising to explain everything to me. At that point, I was sobbing. When I calmed down, he sat with me and told me that for many years, he had been dressing up privately when I was not around. He said that he had been doing this for over fifteen years (we are both in our late 30's). He said that it sexually arouses him when he does it, and he becomes a much better lover to me.

Actually, we do have a very good sex life. My husband is caring and takes his time in making sure that I am satisfied. But I can't help wonder if there might be a gay side to him that will surface in time. I don't understand why a man has to dress like a woman to have sex with a woman. Since I have found out, he promised that he would never do it again, but can I trust him? I haven't made love with him since then because the images in my mind just come flooding every time he tries to touch me. Help!

Well Linda, first let me assure you that your husband is not gay. He is a cross dresser. He likes to wear women's garments to get sexually stimulated. It's amazing, but 90% of all cross dressers are straight. Shockingly, it is estimated that over 7 million men are into this practice in various degrees.

Women ask me why these men are stimulated by women's clothing. And different men are pleased by different stimulation. Some men dress up in full clothing such as dresses and shoes; some just wear pantyhose and/or women's panties and get aroused that way. There aren't too many theories about cross dressing, but the one I've heard that makes the most amount of sense is this: Sometime in a male's early, formative years, your man was touching a female (most likely his mother) with some kind of feminine clothing such as a dress or stockings. At that particular moment, the male had an erection. Young boys can't have orgasms, but they can still feel sexual pleasure and get erections. At that particular moment of the erection, he was touching the clothing, thus the equation with sexual pleasure.

One thing I do know - cross dressing is a compulsive behavior. The need for it is always there in one form or another in order to be sexually aroused. Like other compulsive behaviors, it's nearly impossible to get rid of it - even if it can be controlled to some extent.

Some women have accepted this about their husbands, and still others enjoy it. A friend of mine recently went on a cruise and there were 200 cross dressers and their wives on the ship all having a great time. They didn't seem to have a problem with their husband's activities. In fact, I have met women that go shopping with their husbands for clothes. Different strokes for different folks.

The main thing is to know what you are able to live with. Many women are unable to accept this practice. They take an attitude that as long as they never have to see it, they will live with it. Other women just can't accept it or live with it, and so they leave.

Most likely, the most difficult part of learning this information is knowing that your mate kept this secret from you all of this time. And let's be honest - if he had told you ahead of time, would you have still married him or stayed with him? I don't know - and neither does he. That's why he didn't tell you. Now that you know, you have choices to make. If you decide not to stay with your husband because this is beyond your ability to cope with, then do what you need to do. Nothing is worse than living with a situation that you can never feel comfortable with. You don't have to feel guilty about it. You didn't know this before you got involved, so you weren't able to make a choice.

**The Problem of Communication**

Asserting yourself when something bothers you is a win-win situation. Women are not good at achieving this goal because we are so afraid if we say something that hurts our mate, he will be angry... disillusioned... hurt... seek another person who will do whatever he wants and leave us behind (the real reason). Let me tell you something - I had to learn the hard way about speaking up when something bothers me. I've been with my soulmate for the past 18 years, and in my early years, communicating was a problem because of my own personal insecurities.

I wrote this piece in my Straight Talk newsletter back in May 2004. Although it was aimed at straight wives of gay men, it applies to other women who have been in destructive relationships and now want to start over with someone new. When trust has been broken in a relationship, moving ahead and trusting again can be so difficult for women which is why these words are still so relevant. Although eight years have passed since I wrote this, I think the message remains the same. Let me share it with you:

The Issue of Communication

The most important part of any relationship is communication. This seems to be something that is sorely lacking in straight/gay marriages namely because they are built on lies and deception. Of course, this is not to say that it isn't missing in other kinds of relationships, regardless of sexuality issues, but it is even more so for ours. It's bad enough when we read about straight relationships and the lack of communication because women are from Venus and men are from Mars as the saying goes. But in our marriages, women are from Venus and men are from the Twilight Zone.

I always say that for the most part, straight wives married to gay men are far above the standards of wifedom. You see, women married to straight men have a fighting chance of pleasing their husbands just based on who they are. But we can never please our husbands because of who we aren't - namely men. But that doesn't stop us from trying harder and harder to put that round peg into a square hole, does it? And it never ceases to amaze me how so many of us just can't cry "uncle" and walk away from a no-win situation. We keep trying while we keep crying to figure out where we are going wrong long after we suspect or know the truth. Go figure.

It also saddens me to talk to women who just can't get it. Even when they are faced with the truth, they keep trying even harder to be the perfect wife as if perfection will turn around the gene pool. And I can say that it's not always their fault. Often it is the fault of the "confused" gay husband who just can't let go of the straight world even when he is not confused over what stimulates his sexual organ. Again, go figure.

Excuse me from digressing from my original thought of communication. I have recently revisited a painful part of my past. You see, even when the years have passed, as in my case, and the marriage is long over, the scars still remain. In spite of all of my expertise and counseling skills in relationship issues, I still have to be my own best student. And though it pains me to have to discuss my weaknesses in a forum read by thousands of people, I am a great believer in people learning from each other. So I will proceed to talk about this with you.

One of the areas of self-improvement I work on constantly is self-esteem. This is a definite tie to my ability to communicate in a healthy way in my relationship with my soulmate, which will soon reach the ten-and-a-half year mark. I have found a man who truly loves me more than I could have imagined. And yet, I still have fears that if I ask for some additional emotional support when I need it, I will be rejected. This angers me because it is so typical of behavior by someone who feels she is unworthy, which I do not feel about myself. So why do I have to keep trying so hard?

My years with my gay husband trained me to be an excellent partner for any man. I am fully seasoned as far as working my hardest to make someone love me like all of you are. And to be honest, I've put everything I have into this present relationship. I work hard to keep it exciting and new after all of these years. We're middle-aged, but we feel like we're young and in-love. Our relationship is solid. I trust this man with my life. It took years of working at it to get it this way. We have both learned to compromise. He works hard to meet my emotional needs because to me, that's an important part of a relationship.

Well, to get to the point, several months ago, my soulmate didn't meet my expectations concerning something that was very important to me. I was hurt and angry. It was something simple that required very little effort, and yet it was very significant to me. He blew it and he knew it. He knew it instinctively and also because I did tell him. I honestly think he felt worse than I did because the last thing he ever wants to do is hurt me. In the following two days, he tried his best to make up for it by buying me flowers and cards that said emotional things. And I acted like I forgave him even though in my heart, I was still hurting.

So life went on and all was well - or so I thought. But over the days and weeks that followed, something was amuck - with me, not him. I didn't worry about it because I am pre-menopausal and expect to feel highs and lows. But the feelings I had were neither high nor low. There was a slow but gentle decline in my feelings for my soulmate. I went through the motions, but I wasn't feeling them. My soulmate knew something was off, but I kept saying it was everything but what it was.

Although I made excuses for why this was happening, I was unable to discover the real reason until weeks later. As I started to see that nothing was improving and it started impacting on our intimacy, I realized that there really was a problem that I needed to work on. I did some mental backtracking to the time when my feelings started to shift, and voila - I finally figured it out. It all led back to the time when he screwed up weeks before. And although he tried his best to patch it up with words of regret and flowers, I hadn't inwardly resolved the hurt.

I analyzed why I buried the hurt and it all comes back to the same thing - lack of self-esteem. Lack of feeling worthy enough to express my true feelings for fear he will back away or think that I am "nagging" or "suffocating" him. My gay ex-husband had me very conditioned not to ask for what he didn't want to give me. It always started a fight and I always lost because he had better verbal damaging skills than I had. In fact, all these years later, he still knows how to trigger those buried feelings of inadequacy whenever we have an argument. He can shout me down and shut me up because I don't like fighting on such a low level. I find it degrading.

My soulmate is not my ex-husband. He is kind and gentle, caring and giving. If I am upset about something, he takes it to heart. He has worked hard to change so he can meet my emotional needs. And 98 percent of the time, he does. It's the two percent of the time that always gets to me. And most times, I let it slide because no one is perfect and I know he has tried so hard to make me feel good about myself and about us. But this one time was something of great importance to me, and the usual "I'm sorry" just didn't cut it.

Once I recognized where the problem stemmed from, I sat down with him and said we need to talk because I finally understood what the problem was. And guess what? He didn't laugh at me or blow me off. He wasn't annoyed or angry. He listened and accepted my feelings, acknowledging that the hurt was deeper than we both realized. All was well again after that conversation. It was like a dark cloud being chased away and replaced by a lovely day.

It taught me a lesson, which is why I am sharing this with you. Through the years that our feelings are ignored or scowled at, we become conditioned not to ask because we would not receive. This behavior is easy to carry into our new relationships because we are still trying hard to please our new partners, subconsciously feeling that we failed with our gay ones. Every time we can't express our feelings fearing rejection, we are giving in to the horrors of our past marriages. Not being able to assert yourself in a relationship only continues to build on your feelings of inadequacy even when you are sure that they are dead and buried. It doesn't take much to revive them no matter how much you think you've left them behind.

**Unless you internally believe that you are deserving of more, you will always settle for less.** _This is why I tell women who are leaving marriages with their gay husbands to wait before they jump into a new relationship with a man. You need time to relearn who you are and to work on the issues that can haunt you forever if you don't face them. Coming out of relationships with there is a lack of trust, intimacy, self and sexual esteem, and communication takes time. If you don't give yourself time to repair, chances are you will jump into the wrong relationship, or take a potentially good relationship and destroy it all on your own._

I have seen women who have met good men but destroyed the relationship because they haven't resolved their own issues with their gay husbands. They transfer them into their new relationships and disaster occurs. We allow our feelings of inadequacy and mistrust to surface anytime there is a problem, rather than allowing ourselves to rationally work it out. That's why we all need time and breathing space after our marriages to regroup and regenerate.

Now, this is not to say that you have to stay home and become a hermit like I did for many years. You can go out and have fun - and practice for your soulmate. But before you get in the relationship mode, make sure you work out kinks from your marriage. If you don't, you are setting yourself up for a big fall. You may choose the wrong partner because you still haven't restored your own sense of self-esteem. And one thing I've learned - no one can make you feel better about yourself except you. Only then can you find long-term happiness and fulfillment.

The most important thing to work on is overcoming your fear of asking for something that is important to you for fear of being rejected. We've tiptoed around our gay husbands, not feeling worthy because they could never love us the way we needed to be loved. In a new relationship, stand up for yourself and don't be afraid to ask for what you want. That's how communication in healthy relationships works. Don't allow your insecurities of the past overtake your happiness in the future.

These words are relevant to women in any type of an abusive relationship. They are powerful words - read them over and over until they burn in your memory.

And the most important thought that I will leave you with is this:

Unless you internally believe that you are deserving

of more, you will always settle for less.

I believe that if you love yourself enough, you'll never settle again.

**About the Author**

Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed., is an internationally recognized relationship counselor/author in the field of straight/gay marriages. She has provided relationship counseling and advice for nearly 30 years to more than 75,000 women who have sexually dysfunctional husbands due to homosexuality, bisexuality, or sexual addictions. She is considered an authority in this field by other professionals and the media. Kaye has published seven books on straight/gay relationships, which have sold thousands of copies. Her website **www.Gayhusbands.com** has consistently remained in the number one position on Google, Yahoo, and other major search engines since its launching in 2000. When media contacts want an expert, they go to Bonnie Kaye who has more experience and expertise than any other person in the United States. Her official book website is located at **www.BonnieKayeBooks.com**. Kaye's support network has over 7,000 women around the world who receive her free monthly newsletter. She also has online computer support chat as well as a weekly internet radio show on Sundays, **Straight Wives Talk Show** on www.Blogtalkradio.com that can be accessed 24/7 around the world.

Kaye's other books include: _The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder; Straight Wives: Shattered Lives (Volumes 1 and 2); Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives; Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk; How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths About Straight Wives;_ and _Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages._

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