Make corporate limo service simple with Denver Limo, we have always provided Denver corporate limo service for all your corporate transportation needs. We provide reliable and professional ground transportation to businesses that require professional and exceptional luxury car service.
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We are a reliable, consistent, and seamless Denver limo service for business travelers. Check out what we can do for you and your business!
We take Denver birthday limos to the next level. Change the idea that age is just a number and make any birthday a great one with our birthday limo Denver service.
Why not make the statement you deserve the one time of year you can let loose and have some fun! Good parties usually start with good ideas, so don't let this one pass you up. We have a variety of vehicles to match your birthday desires. Whether you want a custom limousine, classic town car, party bus, or stretch Hummer limousine we have it all with more than you could even imagine as amenities. So bump your own birthday playlist while enjoying a drink bar with our services we let you truly enjoy your birthday.
With Denver Limo, Inc. birthday limo services you can have your cake and eat it too!
We provide the best Denver Wedding Limousine service around! Your wedding transportation is way more important that just a way to get from one point to another. We make it an opportunity to make a bold and elegant statement. So when it comes time to pick your perfect wedding car, look for a ride that fits, and even enhances, your wedding day style you are looking for.
stylish, comfortable and equip to make your special day exceed every expectation.
Check out our wedding limousine rentals and services.
Our DIA limo service is always available from and to Denver International Airport and around the Denver metro area. We have a wide range of choices for you to choose from including but not limited to luxury sedans, SUVs limousines, black cars, and town cars.
Our experience and professional private drivers give consistent customer service that focus on your safety, satisfaction, and comfort, exceed expectations every time. Every driver is very familiar with our limo Denver airport service and will always provide exceptional service.
It doesn't matter if you are trying to make a business trip exciting for business partners or just want a reliable airport service we provide it all! Our goal will always be to provide safe, Top-quality, luxurious and comfortable rides for leisure and business travelers coming from or going to airports in Colorado.
Don't worry about timing, we are available at all hours to get you and drive you where you need to be.
One of the most important night out with the guys is for your Bachelor Party. We make sure it is one you make count for the books!
Your bachelor party is a night that should be safe, memorable and fun. Our Denver bachelor party limousine will get you to your destination of choice in style with any of our awesome vehicles; stretch limo, Exotic LIMO SUVS, party buses and more!
Denver limo, Inc. provides service to hundreds of bachelor parties through out the year and the best part is we know where the latest events, clubs and local hotspots are. Our Denver Bachelor Party Limo service will always provide a night to remember and more than a limo ride.
For you bachelorette party we know that the girl's night has start with chic, stylish and reliable Denver Bachelorette Limousine service. Our variety of bachelorette limos fit everyone of your besties besides the groom- sorry!
We know the Mile High City and all the right places including clubs and hot spots. Our chauffeurs are courteous, professional, and friendly so don't worry we make sure fun and safety are on our top priority list. Our fleet for your special girls night out are impressively clean and always arrive spotless. Look through our fleet selection to look into your ride for the evening whether that be our stretch limousine, party bus, luxury sedan, Hummer Limousines, Escalades and more! You will be able to find the perfect limo for your posse.
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Definition: Definitions from the Official Rules of Golf appear courtesy of the USGA.
Out of Bounds: "Out of bounds" is beyond the boundaries of the course or any part of the course so marked by the Committee.
When out of bounds is defined by reference to stakes or a fence or as being beyond stakes or a fence, the out of bounds line is determined by the nearest inside points at ground level of the stakes or fence posts (excluding angled supports). When both stakes and lines are used to indicate out of bounds, the stakes identify out of bounds and the lines define out of bounds. When out of bounds is defined by a line on the ground, the line itself is out of bounds. The out of bounds line extends vertically upwards and downwards.
A ball is out of bounds when all of it lies out of bounds. A player may stand out of bounds to play a ball lying within bounds.
Objects defining out of bounds such as walls, fences, stakes and railings are not obstructions and are deemed to be fixed.
Your ball is lying in-bounds next to a fence that marks the course's boundary. You can't take relief without penalty, and the only way to play the next shot is to stand on the other side and hit the fence.
Objects defining out of bounds such as walls, fences, stakes and railings are not obstructions and are deemed to be fixed, therefore a part of a boundary fence that is bowed towards the course so that it is inside the boundary line is deemed to be fixed – it is not an obstruction.


text:
Q: Filter table and render in shiny based on multiple values from select input I am trying to filter and render a table in r shiny based of mutiple values from select input. The idea is the user can select multiple values from options 1.Select config and one value from 2.Select var. Based of this values it should filter that data from the table testdata and render it in mainpanel. What The values in the dropdowns are nothing but a unique of strings from columns config and var. Below is the code with the data. So the user selects multiple values from first dropdown, one value from second dropdown and when clicked on select it should show the table.
library(shiny)
testdata <- tibble::tribble(
  ~config,       ~construct, ~var,
  "alpha,beta", "This is line 1",   12,
  "beta,gamma,alpha", "This is line 2",   15,
  "delta,alpha,tetra", "This is line 3",   21,
  "quad,core ,delta", "This is line 4",   12,
  "alpha,gamma", "This is line 5",   12,
  "beta,core", "This is line 5",   11,
  "delta,quad,tetra", "This is line 5",   21,
  "quad,tetra", "This is line 5",   12
)
config <- unique(unlist(strsplit(as.character(testdata$config), ",")))
var <- unique(unlist(strsplit(as.character(testdata$var), ",")))

ui <- fluidPage(
  title = 'Selectize examples',
  sidebarLayout(
    sidebarPanel(

      selectizeInput(
        'e2', '1.Select Config', choices = config, multiple = TRUE
      ),
      selectizeInput(
        'e3', '2. Select Var', choices = var, multiple = TRUE
      ),
      br(),

      actionButton('select', 'Select')
    ),
    mainPanel(
      width = 10,
      DT::dataTableOutput(outputId = "mtable")

    )
  )
)

server <- function(input, output) {

  filtered_year <- reactive({
    filter(testdata, (config %in% input$e2) &
             (var %in% input$e3)
)
  })

  fully_filtered <- eventReactive(input$select, {
    filtered_year()
  })

  output$mtable <- DT::renderDataTable({
    DT::datatable(data = fully_filtered(), options = list(pageLength = 10),
                  rownames = FALSE, class = 'display', escape = FALSE)

  })
  output$ex_out <- renderPrint({
    a <- str(sapply('e2', function(id) {
      input[[id]]
    }, simplify = FALSE))
    a
    print(a)
  })

}
shinyApp(ui = ui, server = server)

Updated Code: Added to show the table which doesnt display filtered values.

A: Does this do what you need?  Also, if you only want the user to be able to select one value from the second dropdown, you should use multiple = FALSE.
library(shiny)
testdata <- tibble::tribble(
  ~config,       ~construct, ~var,
  "alpha,beta", "This is line 1",   12,
  "beta,gamma,alpha", "This is line 2",   15,
  "delta,alpha,tetra", "This is line 3",   21,
  "quad,core ,delta", "This is line 4",   12,
  "alpha,gamma", "This is line 5",   12,
  "beta,core", "This is line 5",   11,
  "delta,quad,tetra", "This is line 5",   21,
  "quad,tetra", "This is line 5",   12
)
config <- unique(unlist(strsplit(as.character(testdata$config), ",")))
var <- unique(unlist(strsplit(as.character(testdata$var), ",")))

ui <- fluidPage(
  title = 'Selectize examples',
  sidebarLayout(
    sidebarPanel(

      selectizeInput(
        'e2', '1.Select Config', choices = config, multiple = TRUE
      ),
      selectizeInput(
        'e3', '2. Select Var', choices = var, multiple = TRUE
      ),
      br(),

      actionButton('select', 'Select')
    ),
    mainPanel(
      width = 10,
      DT::dataTableOutput(outputId = "mtable")

    )
  )
)

server <- function(input, output) {

  observeEvent(input$select, {
    print(input$e2)
    print(input$e3)
    fully_filtered <- testdata[grepl(paste(input$e2, collapse = "|"), testdata$config) &
                                 testdata$var %in% input$e3,]

    output$mtable <- DT::renderDataTable({
      DT::datatable(data = fully_filtered, options = list(pageLength = 10),
                    rownames = FALSE, class = 'display', escape = FALSE)

    })
  })

  output$ex_out <- renderPrint({
    a <- str(sapply('e2', function(id) {
      input[[id]]
    }, simplify = FALSE))
    a
    print(a)
  })

}
shinyApp(ui = ui, server = server)

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaStackExchange


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text:
Q: Fourier series and Gibbs phenomenon $cosx$ I want to calculate Fourier series.
$$f\left( x\right) =\begin{cases}\cos x\left( 0 <x\leq \pi \right) \\ 0\left( \pi <x\leq 2\pi \right) \end{cases}$$
I think

$$\begin{aligned}a_{0}=\dfrac{1}{\pi }\int _{0}^{\pi }\cos xdx\\ =0\end{aligned}$$
$$\begin{aligned}a_{n}=\dfrac{1}{\pi }\int _{0}^{\pi }\cos x\cos nxdx\\ =-\dfrac{\pi \sin \pi n}{\pi \left( n^{2}-1\right) }\end{aligned}$$
$$\begin{aligned}b_{n}=\dfrac{1}{\pi }\int _{0}^{\pi }\cos x\sin nxdx\\ =\dfrac{n\left( \cos \left( \pi n\right) +1\right) }{\pi \left( n^{2}-1\right) }\end{aligned}$$
So Substituting these into a Fourier series equation
$$\sum ^{\infty }_{n=1}\left[ \dfrac{-nx\sin \pi n}{\pi \left( n^{2}-1\right) }\cos nx+\dfrac{n\left( \cos \left( \pi n\right) +1\right) }{\pi \left( n^{2}-1\right) }\sin nx\right]$$
I made this graph with using gnuplot and confirmed that this is a Gibbs phenomenon.
I write command in gnuplot.
gnuplot> f(x,N)=sum[i=1:N](-1)*i*sin(pi*i)*cos(i*x)/(pi*(i**-1))+i*(cos(pi*i)+1)*sin(i*x)/(pi*(i**-1))
gnuplot> f(x,1000)

This is graph.

Is this a Gibbs phenomenon? Please tell me.


Getting engaged is one of the most exciting times in anybody's life, and it's only natural that you want to celebrate this love in style.
However, it's important to remember that the average UK wedding costs roughly £15,000. So you best not waste too much money on this party, even if there are ways to enjoy your special day on a budget.
If you've got the space at home, it can be the perfect place to hold your engagement party. For starters, it makes things a lot easier for you. Meanwhile, your friends and family should have no problem finding the venue. And if some relatives live far away, they've instantly got a place to stay for the night.Besides, it can be a lot more fun too.
Here's how to make it a memorable event.
You can never trust the weather, and the last thing you want if your special night to be a washout. Thankfully, you can overcome this potential problem with a marquee hire.
The marquee won't just provide cover if it rains, though. It's a great place for guests to eat, mingle and generally have a good time. Besides, older relatives might not want to stay in the sun too long. Whatever the weather, investing in garden cover is advised.
If nothing else, it will transform your garden into a stylish outdoor area. Enjoy.
No party is complete without great food, and the engagement is certainly one that will benefit from having some tasty treats.
Garden parties are very versatile in terms of food. You could host a BBQ to impress your guests. Alternatively, you could put out a buffet of various party foods. This is another area where that marquee could come in handy.
Best of all, food for the garden party will be much cheaper than paying a catering firm at the venue. To be honest, your guest will probably enjoy it more too. After all, this occasion is meant to be social.
There's nothing worse than sitting at a party and being bored. We've all been there, and none of us enjoyed it. Once you start clock watching, you know it's going to be a long night. Don't let your guests fall into the trap of a boring event.
This occasion is meant to celebrate your love with the people you hold dearest. It's the start of a new and exciting chapter, make sure you start it in the possible fashion. You don't have to spend loads of money to get the party started. Simple garden games will provide enough entertainment for everyone, even if kids are involved.
Meanwhile, it's important that you've got some decent music. A party without tunes tends to carry a strange atmosphere. If you've not got any quality CD's, streaming sources like Spottily are your friend.
Oh, and don't forget the alcohol. Even if you're not planning to drink, there's a good chance that your guests will. Besides, there will probably be a few toasts throughout the night too.


text:
Zen and the Art of Running Very Slowly
January 30, 2010 February 3, 2010 1 Comment
My family does things real fast. "Let me make this clam dip real fast." "I have a story I have to tell you real fast." "Just a sec, I gotta go the bathroom real fast." Normally we are a family who enjoys the use of proper grammar, but when it comes to doing things real fast, we just don't have time for –ly. That would constitute a whole other syllable, and syllables take time. And so, we get up out of bed real fast, we load and unload cars real fast, we make a drink real fast, we fix meals real fast, we get errands done real fast. We're perpetually in a race, a race against doing anything real slow. My brother, what with his "chess" and his books on "neurology" is an outlier, but nonetheless he shares the underlying trait that fosters this obsession with real fast – a complete and total absence of patience. It is a quality possessed by exactly no one in my immediate family.
My sisters, although they may protest, are also real fast in the literal sense. Back in the day Becky used to run around Lake Morton, a small lake near our house, and it would boggle the mind how quickly she would make the journey. So, too, with Cindy, who likes to pretend to be unaware of how speedy she is. While my dad is not real fast he is real quick, the kind of real quick that astounds the eye. My mom was not just real fast but extraordinarily fast, and put on an exhibition of her still formidable speed last year when she sprinted to prevent a mare and foal from reaching an open gate and a highway beyond. My brother is also real fast, at least when sprinting, a fact few know.
I am neither real fast nor real quick. I am simply real slow. But this does not stop the impatient spirit of real fast from burning brightly in my heart. And so it was that when I took up running, I was obliged to also take up the art of zen and running very slowly. When I first begin my run – even to this day – there is a flurry of panicked thoughts. "But I have to get to the grocery store! I don't have time for this!" "I still need to do laundry!" "I need to hurry!" "I need to do this real fast!" But I cannot do this real fast. My body will not let me. If am to do this, I will be doing it real slow. And so, one by one, I have to reject the messages from that panicked voice.
As the run goes on the voice changes. "This hill is hard. If we can't do this real fast, let's just not do it at all." I always answer the voice, "are you dying?" "No," responds the voice. "Then I say good day to you, sir." Considering that the benchmark required for stopping is being near death, the voice always loses. Although it may sound like an odd sort of encouragement, I cheerlead the negative voice by saying, "let's resign ourselves to the idea that we will be running forever. We will never stop. It doesn't matter how fast or slow, hill or flat, pain or no pain, we will run forever. So we don't need to keep thinking about it." It takes a couple of miles, but eventually, this voice wins. Once the win is had, the run settles into something continuous, neutral. When I get back no longer matters. Neither do the pending chores. Thoughts flit by and go along their merry way, but the mind is quiet. It no longer asks the body to do anything but continue on, slowly, steadily. Patience is at hand. And it stays with me for a good ten minutes upon arriving home.
Destination: Awesome
December 3, 2009 February 9, 2010 1 Comment
Josh Gates' half decent Britney impression.
I remember precisely the moment when I fell for Destination Truth, the Sci-Fi – oh, I'm sorry, the 'Syfy'—Channel's paranormal adventure show.
Host Josh Gates was in a small Mexican town, where he had become involved in a parade. And by involved I mean to say he made like Ferris Bueller and took over a float. The emcee announces something in Spanish, Josh turns to camera and translates, telling us, "that man just said I was in the new Batman movie."
And so it was done.
This episode had already featured a near death experience in Romania wherein their plane decided to let go of its own roof – I don't know what that roof had ever done to that plane, but that plane had had enough – and a scary-fun paranormal encounter in a haunted Romanian forest. As though there were any other kind of Romanian forest. Did I mention they had been in Romania? Romania is entertaining. You can pretty much film anything in Romania and it's going to be a smash hit. (See, Borat.)
In that first episode, and in the rest of season 3, I found something more than Romanians using a car as a horse drawn cart. In a world that is smothered by not only overproduced one hour dramas and sitcoms, but overproduced reality shows, and most damning of all, overproduced reality thanks to the 24 hours news cycle and those that ceaselessly manipulate it, Destination Truth is blessedly free of the ties that bind. Even with the blatant Orbitz product placement. Also, Google Earth. Use it. After the Orbitz and Google Earth plugs are done, Josh Gates and company get into the business of randomly traveling hither and yon, searching for strange things and always finding them – though not usually the ones they set out to discover in the first place.
Once upon a time, we had a sense that the world was a huge place, filled with strange things. As a kid, it was my ambition to become a naturalist and move to either Africa or Australia, as I believed them to be largely untouched wilderness areas. Somewhere along the way, the idea that the world was a known entity seeped into our collective consciousness. Nature documentaries went from exploration and descriptions of the wild to a never ending drumbeat of habitat loss, extinction, and destruction of primitive cultures, oh my. Not that these aren't important messages. They are. But they also make you want to shoot yourself in the face.
Destination Truth, with humor, moxie, and a refreshing disdain for political correctness, opens the world back up to joyous exploration. And holy crap – how wonderfully bizarre this great big world is. For example – the Island of the Dolls. An Island. Filled with Dolls. Dolls are, of course, the most frightening objects on earth. Screw vampires and werewolves, show me a porcelain doll that can open her own, possessed-by-Satan eyeballs, and I'll show you my pants – filled with fear poo.
And while I'm at it, thank God for doing stupid nonsense. Josh Gates and company do stupid things they shouldn't at least twice an episode, and God bless them for it. If only the rest of us were smart enough to do stupid things we shouldn't, we'd all be a lot better off.
The Last of the Pioneering Brumbachs
In 1495 history records an individual known only as Der Sohn. Prussian by nationality, perhaps German by blood, he resided in the Rhineland, West and South of the Baltic homeland of the Old Prussians, since conquered by the Teutonic Knights. He came from a farm "in der Brumbach" and so it was that the Brumbach surname sprang forth, with the clan content to stay in the shadow of forbidding Siegen Castle until the intrepid Johann Heinreich Brumbach sent the family tumbling West across Europe, leapt the ocean waters, and fell upon American shores, settling in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia. Johann Heinreich became Henry, became an American patriot, became a man recognized for his valor in the Revolutionary War. His grandson, Joseph, born in 1799, the year of his grandfather's death, had inherited Henry's fearless heart, and again the family set forth towards the setting sun, stopping in Illinois to take stock of where they stood. Joseph became more than just a man, he became a patriarch, burying four wives in the process and siring 19 children and giving 8 stepchildren the Brumbach name. His last wife was a lass from County Cork, who bore six children, the very last of which, Olive, was born to a father 72 years of age. The second to last, Ezra Herbert, known as Zeke, inherited the Prussian pioneering spirit, and once more they rolled on, flowing like water through the valleys and the low places, across the vast, forbidding wilderness of the American West. With him he brought his bride, an Irish girl like his mother, by the name of Mary Theresa Phelan. Zeke and Mary, who went by Mame, traveled by wagon to the Oregon-Idaho border, and there this tributary of the Brumbach family stopped, and put down roots, deep roots, all the more necessary in the softly undulating, treeless hills of that new frontier.
Irish fire forged Prussian stoicism into a substance stronger than steel. Mame was a woman who had taught school in Illinois, the sound of wolves howling accompanied her pre-dawn walks to the one room schoolhouse. In her youth she had encountered a traveling salesman proffering impervious pots and pans, when he challenged Mame to test the strength of a saucepan, she bent it double. The Irish-American proved herself more than equal to the uncompromising demands placed upon her by the role of frontier wife, and helped Zeke establish the family farm. It was anchored by a white American farmhouse, the sort that would permeate the imaginations of Wyeth and Rockwell. Zeke and Mame brought Joseph and then Rex into the world, followed by the twins, Ira and Irene, in 1908. Many years later, in 1917, along came Ezra, the last of the pioneering Brumbachs.
The Brumbach family epitomized the American pioneer, living the predawn life of the farmer, a life of darkness and of light, an Easter life, of Good Friday hardship, and joyous Resurrections. The family accumulated stories, as all families do. Of the Brumbach spirit that lived on in Ira, sending him still further West to the Alaskan wilderness, where he passed away, still just a young man. Of the daring spirit of the only daughter, Irene, who attended college and played on the basketball team while there. Of Ezra's war hero record in WWII, where he fought in Northern Italy and was formally honored for his ability to keep up troop morale. The intrepid family was the first in the region to own a car, and quickly adopted the most cutting edge farming equipment, which they then rented to other farmers. Smart, pragmatic, quintessentially American, the Brumbach family thrived.
Eventually these Brumbachs, compelled by an unquenchable desire to see and do, moved on, seeking out life wherever they could find it. But Ezra, having returned from Europe and the ravages of war, having missed death by a matter of inches more than once and on one memorable occasion when his helmet, acting as a pillow, was shot out from under him, Ezra stayed. Blessed with the Brumbach intellect, he became a master of the game of chess. Blessed with the Brumbach stoicism, he lived the difficult life of a sheep farmer. Blessed with the Brumbach appreciation for family, he took up the task of maintaining the white American farm house, its barn and outbuildings, its farm land and sheep pastures. He did not marry, he did not have children, he did not move along with time, but stayed still, like a rock in a river, as it all flowed past.
A Roman Catholic, he did not turn away from the altar after Vatican II, attending the Tridentine Rite throughout his life. He kept with him his books, his chess, his way of life. He maintained a long tradition of letter writing, drafting compelling notes of wit and wisdom, treasured by those who received them, in much the same way his humor was treasured by his fellow soldiers. Long lived and sturdy, like most Brumbachs, Ezra maintained his farming life far longer than most expected. Finally, a degenerating hip forced his retirement and his movement to an assisted care facility. Stubbornly recovering from surgery, Ezra took up the habit of strolling to an old fashioned soda shop down the road from his new residence.
But no amount of stubbornness can indefinitely hold off the advance of time, even the rock in the river is eventually washed away. And so it was that Ezra passed on this March 19th 2008, having turned 90 last December 2nd. His funeral mass, held in the traditional Latin, will be taking place the day after today, the day after Easter Sunday, in the tiny town of New Plymouth, Idaho. New Plymouth, founded in 1896, was the first planned community west of the Mississippi. And so it seems appropriate that this stoic son of pioneers, this descendent of early American settlers, would find his final peace in a place named for the pilgrim's progress in the land of hope and opportunity, a place whose name evokes the spirit of simplicity and austerity, the shedding of excess, and the bedrock of faith upon which this country was founded.
It is cloudy in New Plymouth today, with rain predicted to fall through the night. But after the rain there will be moments of sun, and though I will not be there, I can already see Ezra resting within his pine box coffin. A man of the earth held by the warmth of clean wood, adorned by his overalls and boots – a true pioneering farmer, a war hero, a Prussian, an Irishmen, an American. And as I take in the sight, the sun breaks through the clouds, and lays a blanket of light upon him, beatifying his image. He lived an Easter life, of Good Friday hardship and joyous Resurrection. For all of us who carry his blood in our veins, his passing signals the end of an era. And yet, Ezra and Zeke and Joseph and Henry all live on in us. Their faith and stoicism, their fearless sense of adventure, their capacity to triumph over adversity, their very toughness, is honored whenever we, their descendents, express that fortitude we have inherited. Tomorrow, his body will be laid to rest beside his parents, Ezra Herbert and Mary Theresa. But it is with Easter joy that we celebrate the rising of his spirit to Heaven, where even now he is welcomed by the Brumbachs who passed away before him, including my grandmother, his sister, Irene.
October 26, 2007 February 7, 2010 Leave a comment
Elvis, King of Dobermans
In June of 2004, my then newly wedded husband was working in the garage when he heard the sound of heavy footsteps approaching. He pivoted around in his kneeling posture in order to see who had walked in. Instead of looking at a person, as he had expected, he found himself eye to eye with a truly enormous Doberman Pinscher. The dog began to cry, and then laid himself flat out on the concrete. Evan came and fetched me, and that was the moment I first met Elvis. He was extremely thin, with open, festering wounds around his neck and between his shoulder blades. He was passing blood, and a lot of it. We gave him water and the only cooked meat I had on hand – a pound and a half of thin sliced frozen Virginia ham. He swallowed it in one bite. After a good deal of confusion and chaos involving animal control (who wanted to put him down because he was a male Doberman), animal rescue groups and neighborhood rumor, I eventually found Elvis' rightful owner. He lived around the corner, and he was severely stricken by alcoholism.
Because I could not legally wrest the dog away from him and have Elvis live to tell the tale, I decided on Option B. I approached him one day when he was outside his home, and said in a cheerful voice, "I love your dog! I was wondering if you might be willing to sell him to me?" The man was grateful, as he assumed I was coming to complain about Elvis' wanderings through the neighborhood. I gathered that the man did love Elvis, in so much as he was capable of loving anything through the haze of his disease. I learned that he sometimes disappeared for long stretches, and when that happened, Elvis didn't eat until he escaped to find his food on his own. That's when the man wrapped the chain around his neck, and around his chest, and criss-crossed it between his shoulders. He said that the last time he returned, to find Elvis so thin and covered in sores, he was devastated. But he also was not yet ready to sell him. "Well, how 'bout I help you take care of him?" I said. The man brightened considerably and took me back behind his house to show me where Elvis lived. "This," he said proudly, "is Graceland."
Graceland was a screened-in porch so filled with detritus there was barely home for Elvis to lay down. As soon as he saw me the giant dog arose, his face nothing but a smile, his whole body wriggling in excitement. The man showed me where the food was kept, where the water was, and for three months I went to Graceland three or four times a day to walk Elvis and feed and water him. I got him a collar and a leash, better dog food, and took him to the vet for a preliminary exam. My vet diagnosed him with a severe parasite infestation, but unfortunately, it was more than that causing him to pass blood continuously – he also had cancer. That August, his owner told me that he wanted me to have Elvis. I asked how much he wanted for the dog, but he replied he wanted no money, adding, "I only have one condition – that you keep his name Elvis. Elvis was the King of Rock 'n' Roll, and Elvis is the King of Dobermans." And so it was that Elvis, King of Dobermans, moved one block down the road and became our dog.
Elvis, recuperating after one of his many surgeries.
During this time Elvis was in the prime of life. His weight quickly soared from 85 to 105 pounds. His energy, strength, and endurance were extraordinary. Tremendously tough, nothing slowed Elvis down. He had his first surgery to remove ulcerated tumors from his colon. They said it would take several hours before he came around – by the time the short car ride was over he was ready to go on a walk. He had another surgery, and another, for his horribly bad teeth, for additional cancers and tumors, he went through heartworm treatment and swallowed what must have been hundreds of pills. He became a favorite at the vet's office, where he serenaded the staff with his signature "singing" – as they called it.
Throughout it all, Elvis' joy for living was unparalleled. This joy permeated his being, and made him a very kind dog. Despite his experience with starvation he was never possessive over his food, and this was a dog who was quite passionate in his love for kibble and doggie treats. He was always kind, always a gentleman, and accepted his difficulties with grace. As our vet would always say, when his hand was halfway up the rear end of a truly powerful killing machine, palpating for tumors, "I'm so glad you're a good dog, Elvis."
Unpleasant medical procedures notwithstanding, Elvis saw life as one gigantic party to be enjoyed. Being a clever dog and quite the Houdini, if he ever heard the far off sounds of a college party, he would find a way to escape and join it. I will never forget the calls I received. "Um, your dog's at my party? Take your time getting here, though. He's really sweet!" "Your dog is at Spittoono. He's eating all the children's hot dogs." The greatest lure of all was Spittoono. Where else can a dog find a live band, fried Twinkies, and hot dogs to steal all in one place? I took to writing in Elvis' voice in notes to my friends. Elvis' greetings always began in the same way, "Hi! I'm Elvis!" It was just the way he said hello to the world.
As time progressed, and Elvis added deteriorating hips to his long list of ailments, he began to slow down. He did not pull on the leash anymore – although he would still strive to figure out a way to make his walks longer – an Elvis trademark. No matter what he had going on, he was out to live life, and live it thoroughly. Last summer, Elvis developed an abscessed tooth. Nothing unusual, and we'd been down that road before. But then what had appeared to be an abscess grew and grew, and it became apparent that the inevitable had finally occurred. On October 13th 2007, Elvis was diagnosed with bone cancer in his jaw. We knew that his propensity for growing tumors would one day catch up with him. But when it finally did, it still felt like a surprise. Elvis had been cheating death for years. It turns out death always keeps an ace up its sleeve.
Our vet expected us to put him down within three or four days, as the cancer was extremely painful. He sent us home with painkillers to buy us time to say goodbye. Elvis, it turned out, would not be denied one final minor miracle. One day after his diagnosis I discovered him leaping up and down in front of the back door, his black head bobbing into view with excitement over his favorite combo – dinner and a walk. As soon as the painkillers reached his system he had rallied, and for two wonderful weeks he was as bright and bold as he had ever been. He rode in the car, he went on nature walks, he made new friends, he ate as much as he wanted, and life was a joy.
And then, on October 25th, it wasn't anymore. The pain had returned, and this time there would be no rally. Our vet, who had tended to Elvis so carefully for so long, came to our house. He gave him a sedative, and explained that Elvis would be quickly dropping off to sleep. And we stroked his beautiful face, deformed by the tumor and the nerve damage it had caused, and told him what a good boy he was. Time passed. And more time passed. And then Elvis sat up, brightened, and looked like he was thinking a walk sounded like a good idea. Our vet walked back over, saying, "Elvis, I gave you enough sedative to put a 190 lb. dog under a surgical plane of anesthesia. You should not be awake right now." I said, as I said so many times over the course of Elvis' life, "he's the toughest dog that ever was."
Our vet administered another shot, and then Elvis did drift off to sleep.
In the weeks after Elvis' death I felt restless. I kept thinking I needed to feed him. Kept wanting to check on him. Eventually this abated, and life returned to something like normal.
My husband and I recently got a kitten for his mother. She has a grown cat who we felt needed a friend. As we took the kitten home she took to purring in the carrier, and upon arrival, she immediately made herself at home. She dashes from me to him, and from him to me, purring and loving up a storm. Thanksgiving gatherings left her unfazed, as she went from guest to guest to spread her love and joy. "Hi!" She seemed to say, "Hi! I'm a Kitten!" in a very Elvisian manner. We then introduced her to the cat who would be her friend, and he tried to eat her.
And so now, as I write this, a little creamy colored ball of fluff with blue eyes and an uncomplicated, joyous heart, purrs beside me, as unlike from the giant Doberman as she could be, and yet, in the matter of spirit, beautifully similar.
The Half Marathon
February 3, 2007 February 7, 2010 Leave a comment
This was originally written at the conclusion of my time in Team in Training.
O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weatherd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring.
Okay, so, not directly applicable, and yet the Walt Whitman poem has been going through my head with all the tenacity of an 80's pop song, and so perhaps placing it here will exorcise it from my mind. Yesterday was the day of reckoning, a blind date you can't ditch and yet you know is going to last for hours and cause you suffering, you just don't know how much.
Had the Myrtle Beach Marathon come at the end of November I would have been in fine shape. I was fit, mentally in the game, and ready to roll. But then there was a sickness, and then another sickness, and then, right there at the end, the massive implosion of my mental health as I quit my job. The moment that sums up this period of my life: jogging in Pendleton, crying. Woman runner passes me, presumes I am in the 10th mile of a marathon training session, gives me double thumbs up. I kind of nod in her direction, in a "let's just go ahead with your version, and skip over the fact that I am on mile one and having a nervous breakdown."
With all this Mary J. Blige-worthy drama leading up to the race, I had become a giant stress ball, a giant stress ball who hadn't been in proper training for months.
But then my dad talked to me and said, "what's the worst that could happen?" And I answered, "I'd have to walk." "Big deal," said my dad.
And I realized that it wasn't. What was the big deal in walking? Would walking mean I was a failure? Would walking take away from the incredible experience of having connected with all of you? Would all the dollars you donated be worth any less if I walked during the race? With all of that said, would I be willing to nearly kill myself in order to avoid the shame of walking during the race? The answer is yes, yes I would.
But I went into the race at peace with whatever the outcome would be. I went to sleep the night before at nine, happily snoozing away until my sister Cindy called me at ten, tension in every syllable. She had sick children on her hands, didn't know what was going on, and knew she had to get up in six hours. As she drilled me with questions about the location of the start of the race, she sensed my drowsiness – "were you asleep?" she hissed resentfully. Ah, siblings. Love on top of love. Once we got Cindy's situation figured out I went back to bed and woke up at 4:30, surprisingly chipper. Cindy, too, was a happy camper when I met her down in the lobby, and we had a good time driving to the start of the race, despite the circuitous route we were forced to take. We arrived literally two minutes before the start. The mass of humanity, 3,500 runners in all, created a palpable warmth – a welcome change from the 26 degree walk over to the starting line.
And then we were off and running. I said good-bye to Cindy. I only saw her for a brief moment or two before she disappeared into the crowd. In fact, I only saw everyone for a brief moment or two. No matter how much you want to believe that "what really matters is just doing it" it still sucks to have hundreds and hundreds of people sweep past you as though you were standing still. And run past me they did – old people, disabled people, heavy people, little people, big people, fit people and unfit people alike, all of them were faster than me. At least 3,000 people ran by me in the first mile. It was disheartening. It went on and on and on, and, knowing that the water stations were at every other mile, I determined that there must be mile markers only on the even numbered miles. And then there it was – mile marker one.
Uh-oh, thought I.
But I kept going, and listened to the sounds of the conversations around me. Everybody, it seemed, had a buddy. Two people behind me talked about textbook storage. "Teachers," I thought. Four older gentlemen talked about how they were Larry, Moe, Curly, and Shemp. "Old friends," I concluded. But my eavesdropping was distracted by a new, unexpected threat – people passing me at a walk.
Yes – people passed me at a walk. A lot of them.
At mile four I started to feel fatigued. My right hip wasn't happy. I started thinking about the Cliff Shot energy gel I had in my pocket. I was going to take it at the halfway mark, and the station at mile six had water. Between mile four and mile six I began to hurt. My right leg, and everything that keeps my right leg attached to my body, was seriously unhappy. Volunteers, almost all of whom were elderly folks, rooted us on at every block. I thanked all of them, but I don't think they know just what a service they provided.
And then people started passing me in wheelchairs. Their race started 30 minutes after mine. As we crossed one intersection a cop cheered a wheelchair athlete as he whizzed by. I couldn't help but think, "what're you cheering that guy for? He's faster than the wind."
In the fifth mile I became very concerned. I started thinking about my grandmother Francis, who died of brain cancer, a cancer that began as lymphoma, and my grandfather, John, who died leukemia. "Don't go to the well yet," I thought. "It's way too early to start that." On my toughest hills I think about my grandparents who died of leukemia and lymphoma. I mentally refer to it as "the well." But I didn't want to have to pull out that mental leverage over my body so early in the race. I wasn't even halfway through, and already I was falling apart. It was around eight in the morning, and I concentrated on the ocean to my left and the volunteers to my right.
And then, a woman walked up to me (yes, she walked up to me. As I was running.) and she asked my name. Her name was Pat, and she was a walking coach with Team in Training in Columbia, SC. Pat and I began to talk, as she walked and I ran, and there was the sixth miler marker, and water so that I could take my energy boost gel. As we continued on, Pat told me about her family, and I told her about mine, and there was mile seven. She told me about her work, and I told her about mine, and there was mile eight. Another woman joined us and told us about her dog, and we told her about ours. And there was mile nine. We turned away from the ocean and headed back inland, and the neighborhood was cute and charming. And there was mile ten. Somewhere in there my right hip had stopped bothering me – I didn't notice when it stopped.
I took another gel boost, which turned out to be unadvisable as it made me nauseous. I didn't tell Pat that, but I think she sensed it. So she told me about her son in college and her other son in Iraq, and about how he had just been sent to Baghdad after having been stationed in Okinawa. She told me about her student who had leukemia. He was in the 5th grade, and I could tell from her voice she didn't think he was going to make it. And there was mile marker 11. We turned into the wind, and headed for mile 12. Pat asked me, "does your back hurt?" "No," I lied. We ran into the wind for what seemed like eternity, and finally, finally, finally – there was mile marker 12.
This is the last mile I thought, I better enjoy this. I drank some water, which made the nausea come back. But really, I wasn't doing too badly, all things considered. A little bit of a sore back and a little bit of a sick stomach – not bad at all. I picked up my pace a little and enjoyed the final mile – Pat took a picture of me running by the sign that said "turn left – finish line" and then she turned back to coach somebody else to the finish line. As she left I thought, 'that woman was my guardian angel in this race.'
As I ran down the chute I felt pretty good, pretty strong – much better than I had felt from mile four to six. I came around the corner and saw Evan and his mom, Alice, waiting for me. Everyone else finishing at this point was walking, and walking very slowly at that. Evan told his mom that they should start checking first aid stations for me. Ye of little faith. While I cannot independently verify this, I'm pretty sure that I was the last runner to finish. A dubious accomplishment to be sure, but hey – it's unique talent to be able to run that slowly. My final time? 3 hours and 25 minutes.
I totally forgot I put that sticker on my face. Huh.
I found Cindy at the Team in Training tent. We were anxious to get out of there. Especially Cindy, as I'd told her to wait for me, and she'd gone hypothermic in the meantime. Not surprising, given that she finished in less than two hours. My sister – she is wicked, wicked fast. And so we snapped this picture and went on our way.
And so our Team in Training adventure has ended. Cindy is already agitating for another half-marathon, and I suppose I am stupid enough to go along with that. I didn't, after all, die, so I guess there's no harm in going in for a second try at that.
While it goes without saying that the running aspect of this experience has been illuminating (you never know what you can do until you try), without a doubt the best part of participating in Team in Training has been connecting with all of you. It has been an incredible blessing.
P.S. As a little post script to this story – as soon as I found Cindy she told me our mom had called her right after she crossed the finish line. She said that at 8:20 I had popped into her mind, and she was worried I'd hit a wall and wasn't doing well. 8:20 is right about when I'd reached bottom and had gone to my mental well. And then found my guardian angel.
You can never underestimate the power of a mom. Or of dead grandparents.

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


Summary: Why distinct thoughts can feel like random, chaotic chatter the longer one practices. The dynamics of balance. Exploring teacher-student interactions under the client model. Working with the emotions of intolerance and hatred; desire, attachment, frustration and action; anger, sadness, and loneliness. Topics: emotional reactions, teacher/student relationship.
September 11, 2011, Against the Stream. Okay.
This morning I thought we'd go back to the title of this series which is Sutra Sessions. Now, sutra is a Sanskrit word, the Pali word is sutta, and it's the word for Buddhist scriptures. But all of the Buddhist scriptures have a very particular format. They're records of Q&A sessions with Buddha. Every sutra begins with a set-up, you know—Buddha was at this grove, or Vulture Peak Mountain, or Sravasti, or one another of these places—and depending on whether it is a Theravadan sutra or a Mahayana sutra, the set-up can be more or less elaborate. In the Mahayana sutras it's like, "…and there are five hundred thousand arhats and sixteen hundred million bodhisattvas," and then it goes through like five pages of naming all of the bodhisattvas, and so forth. And on such-and-such occasion so-and-so asked Buddha this question. And then Buddha replies. And some of them it goes back and forth a lot. For instance in the Diamond Sutra, which is one of the most important sutras in the Zen tradition, there's a back and forth between Subhuti and Buddha, and they just go back and forth for 32 times or so. So it's really a question and answer period.
Now why is this important? Because it's only in the actual interaction between a teacher and a student that the teachings become alive. Because in this interaction, the student is coming with a question out of their experience. Like, "I don't understand this," or "How does this work," or "What do you do here," etc. And it's not a theoretical question usually, and even if it is a theoretical question, it is coming from something in them, like curiosity, lack of clarity, whatever. But because it's coming from an actual person's life and practice, the teacher doesn't have the luxury of giving pat answers. And if they do they should be shot. So, you know, it has to actually respond to that student in that situation, and it's where the teacher's experience or understanding or whatever comes alive as well. So this is the only place that it really comes alive, and that's why I think they're so important.
So we have a microphone, and you can either volunteer or you will be volunteered. [Laughter] Okay, let's start right here.
Student: When I first started practicing about ten years ago, at that time what arose while I was sitting were sort of distinct thoughts or things I could actually recognize—thoughts and sentences, and emotions—and it feels more and more these days when I sit, it's just sort of indistinct chatter. Some of it doesn't even seem to have content. It just feels like—it's actually more disturbing because it doesn't feel content-full—it just feels sort of chaotic.
Ken: Okay, how is your body when you sit? See this is where it gets alive: you get more information here.
Okay, one of the things about meditation is that there are different levels of thought. And one way of describing this in the past is when we start practicing meditation, it's like having a picnic, and a herd of elephants walks through. Does anybody know that experience? You know there you are sitting quietly, and any sense of attention is just completely demolished, and you sort of wake up afterwards like, "What the hell happened there!" That's the herd of elephants. But you keep practicing, and it changes. And now it's like a pack of dogs walks through. Like there's a picnic but now you're grabbing at stuff and trying to keep it from the dogs, who are just nibbling and grabbing at everything. You know you don't go completely unconscious, but it's a struggle. You with me? And then you keep practicing, and then it's like having a picnic with ants. And that seems to be what you're describing. Is that right?
Ken: Slip into dullness. So you just get a little hazier, a little foggy. And that sounds like what's happening to you. So meditation practice is very much like riding a bicycle. You know, on a bicycle we have left and right. Now if you notice when you're beginning to ride a bicycle you are going like this [Ken gestures], and as you get more and more expertise and familiar with it, then you're going like this [another gesture]. And eventually you think you're going absolutely straight; you don't even have to have your hands on the handlebars, the bike just goes straight. But it's not quite true. Because if you look at it very closely there's always a slight going back and forth. Now the gyroscopic effect of the wheels and the speed which you are going, all help to keep the bicycle straight, but it's still going back and forth just a little bit; you may not even notice it.
So in meditation the right and the left are busyness, on the one hand, and dullness on the other. And many people when they meditate, they try to make their mind absolutely still. Well, you know, this is a bit like herding cats, or trying to get rid of the ants at the picnic. And they slip into dullness, and then they try to make the mind absolutely clear so they're going like this. [Ken tenses] And it gets very, very tiring and frustrating, and so forth.
So what I encourage people to do is just correct the imbalance. Don't try to be in balance; just get really good at noticing and correcting the imbalance. So there you are, you're sitting, and you notice, "Oh, I slipped out of the posture." That's usually a sign of dullness of some form. So reset the posture. And in resetting the posture, you'll become clearer just by doing that, and then you go back to resting.
Now if you start thinking a lot, that's a sign of busyness, and it's reflected in our body almost always as some kind of tension. So when we find we're busy and thinking a lot, then it's good to just relax a little bit. But what you're probably going to find in your meditation is that you're sitting, and sometimes you will sit straighter, because that counteracts the dullness. Then sometime you'll sit a little bit—and they won't be big movements, they won't be like this! This! [Ken demonstrates] They will be just little movements. And now you're making these little adjustments as if you were riding a bicycle. And sometimes, "Oh, okay a little more attention on the breath. Make the mind a little brighter." Okay? And okay, "Just let things go a little bit more just don't try so hard." That's the relaxation which lowers the tension, and so rather than trying to make our minds or ourselves a certain way and hold it, just get very good at making these little adjustments and see how that goes.
Okay, any other question, follow-up?
Is there a question right here? And then you had a question? Okay.
Student: I don't know how much of a question it is; maybe it might be more of a gripe or a complaint.
Student: It may be this way in the East, but I know in the West that with our capitalist society, that it's become…I guess…I mean you have to make a living, so I've found over the years that I've been practicing it's hard to—I don't know, I guess I'm a little confused—I'm wondering if it's sufficient to have the types of teacher relationships that I've had with people at places? I love Against the Stream, and it's you know, it's a big, big part of my practice.
Student: But sometimes it feels there's a void in between the teacher-student relationship. You're allowed to ask questions in the environment, but you only have a certain amount of time, and at the end, people are trying to get home to their families, so you're encouraged to almost…I've seen that some teachers do private practices where they charge money; it's kind of a therapy session afterwards, and it's kind of this—it's…I don't know what it is to me—but it just seems kind of unfair to the student, or maybe in the past there's been a stronger relationship in the East with student-teacher, and in the West we just haven't cultivated that? I don't know.
Student: I can't wait to listen.
Student: I said I can't wait to listen.
Ken: Yeah, you see I was the person who invented that private practice model. [Laughter] And a lot of other teachers have used it, because it actually makes it possible for a teacher to live in this dog-eat-dog capitalist world in, you know, in a way. And I did for two reasons [Ken laughs]. One: I taught a retreat, a 10-day retreat at a center where I was very well known. And there were about 25 to 30 people at this retreat, and it was on a donation basis, and everybody agreed that it was one of the best retreats that had been taught that year at that center. Do you know how much I walked away with from that retreat? Guess.
Ken: Yeah. For a 10-day retreat. I'd do better working at McDonalds! You know, totally unsustainable!
And then what really clenched it was when I met with a group of people who said they were interested in me establishing a center, and we met for an afternoon, and I asked them what their commitment was, you know, what they were willing to commit to a center, and it was astonishingly clear, that their expectation was I would put all the work into establishing a center and teaching it, and they would come when they chose! [Laughter] You talk about balance! This is not balanced, so I did something else.
Ken: Well, yes, but then I would take care of you. I would give you a place to stay and food to eat.
You know, that worked in an agrarian society, and under many, many examples of that. My teacher said that at three different points of his life he gave his teacher everything that he owned. You know, well this doesn't work in our society because we aren't land-based; we don't have this land which just generates wealth naturally. It's very different, and so I'm not recommending that. I'm just giving you that as an example. We haven't developed, or we're in the beginning stages of developing the models by which teaching and practice can take place. And, it is much more challenging in this society than it is in an agrarian society, and the reason is, is because the society is much wealthier and we have a higher standard of living. And this was beautifully pointed out to me by a friend of mine, who's a research doctor.
You know you've heard all of this business about the health care costs just keep rising and rising, well there's an economic reason for this. This is probably more, this is way too much information I know, but you asked so you're going to get it.
There was an economist who wrote a paper fifty years ago about why health care costs are going to keep rising, and it applies to Buddhist practice, and a lot of other professions, too. And the way he explained it is that in Mozart's day, you had four people playing a violin quartet. Okay. Say it took an hour for them to play this piece of music. And you had—I'm going to use a different example from what he did—but you have four people who, you know, they make nails, okay. Just routine job, but don't forget this is right at the beginning of the Industrial Era so they didn't have many machines. So how many nails could they make in an hour these four people? Well, let's say they could make—let's be really generous, they're really fast—they make a thousand. Okay? So you have four people who can play one violin quartet in an hour, and you have four people who can make a thousand nails in an hour. Let's transpose this now two hundred, over two hundred-fifty years later. How long does it take those four people to play the violin quartet? One hour. How many nails can those four people make today?
Ken: Oh, this is very frustrating!
Ken: So this is very important to you, yeah. And so you're in the phase of how you're working out your life so you can do what's really important, and that's wonderful. But is it easy? No, it's not. But this is where our practice takes hold; and I think it's wonderful that, "Okay, this really means something to me." And now we have to figure out, "Okay, I got all this work to do. That produces X amount of dollars. I'd like to do this retreat. That means I can't do this." You're a freelancer of some kind?
Ken: Oh yeah so it gets…I can relate, because, you know, when you're a freelancer, your time in retreat is right out of your income. Big time. You know, it's not like you're on salary.
Student: No one's paying me, too.
Ken: No, no nobody's paying you. Yeah, I can relate, you know, because I do business consulting. It's the same for me; if I do that, then I don't get any of that money. So, you know, you work it out, and you've got to focus on what are those aspects of the freelance work that you do that really produces, and is this retreat of sufficient import that you're going to forego say that $10,000 gig or something like that, and those are real decisions.
Student: So it's not a matter of East or West or, you know, a thousand years ago or now. It's…there have been different levels of how much people are willing to give up, and we're starting to work through those in our society. I mean it may have been even more…you might have had to give up more a thousand years ago in Tibet, then it's not relative.
Ken: Again it depends. Well, the first part of what you said there, yes, I don't think it is East and West. The East developed certain models, and by and large, teachers and monasteries, and teaching institutions were funded by the aristocracy. I mean with really, really large land grants and funding, you know, building and things like that.
Ken: Yeah, that's how they were funded. And because the people who had a lot of wealth valued the teachings, but their relationship with society was such that they wanted to make these teachings available, so they just funded teachers, and funded institutions, and funded monasteries, and that's what made it possible for many other people to come and just donate whatever they could. But that's really how it was funded for centuries. And that's absolutely how it was funded in Tibet, except there's one other thing there is that the monasteries became very large landholders, as they were in medieval Europe. So they had a huge amount of income coming from the serfs that farmed their land, so they were feudal estates.
We haven't developed that, but it's happening. There's a center back East called the Garrison Institute, which was bought and refurbished by—it's an old Catholic monastery, actually it's a seminary—which was bought relatively cheaply from the Catholic Church. Relatively cheaply like a few million dollars! And these people have created a foundation, in which people who have lots of money make donations to that foundation, and it puts on programs and they try to make the programs self-sustaining so that the actual whole thing can hold together. But it's very much a case of people with large resources themselves valuing the teachings setting up an institution, which can then provide teachings to a much larger number of people at a moderate cost. It's exactly the same kind of thing.
And a few months later he got another note from his friend saying—oh, and the case was always settled after a couple of days, both cases. And then the same thing happened when his friend said, "You know like I'm really sick now, and I'd really like to see you." And he was feeling really badly. And so again he made arrangements to go and again, as he's going to the airport he gets a phone call from the law firm which says, "Is there anything you can do? We've just got this big case coming in and we really need you to do the research." So he turned around and went back. And the case settled three or four days later, didn't go to trial. Then he got a note saying that his friend had died.
Ken: His friend had died. So he went to the airport, was on the plane, he gets a phone call from his firm saying, "This big case has come. Can you change your plans?" and he says, "No." And he went and he attended his friend's funeral in Hawaii, and the case settled two days later.
So it's very easy to get caught up in the work world and miss what's really important in our lives. It's really easy. And he really remembers that very, very vividly, and that's one of the reasons he just stepped completely out of it, he never wanted to get caught in that kind of thinking again!
So, your concerns, the challenges you face are really legitimate. Do we have it all worked out? No. It is going to inevitably be a more professional model than it was because, you remember, there are a lot of people I guess may not be aware of it. You see back in the days of monasteries, if you were ill you went to the monastery and there was a monk there who specialized in medicine, and he was the doctor. And if you had legal problems you went to the monastery, and there was a monk there who specialized in canon law and the king's law and he would help you figure that out. And if you had wealth or something like that you were expected to make a donation and if you didn't, then they were available.
But as we went through, you know, through the Renaissance, and then through the Industrial and other revolutions that we've gone through, each of those professions left the monastery. You know, those monks who were good at medicine became doctors, and those who were good at keeping track of things became accountants, and those who were good at figuring out all these legal tangles became lawyers. And now we've had the counselors leave, and they've become therapists; and now we have people who have a certain amount of spiritual understanding and experience being available as not therapists but as spiritual guides. In the Catholic Church they're known as spiritual directors. But those are actually becoming professions now in a way that they weren't a hundred years ago, so we're going through these changes.
Student: So it's even happening outside of the Buddhist community, happens in the Catholic Churches and stuff?
Ken: Oh, in the Catholic Churches, look at what's happened with yoga—I mean the model for yoga is totally different—look at what's happened to the martial arts. You know, martial arts, you couldn't even get a lot of the training because they were family secrets, like they were trademarks. And so the only way that you could get certain kinds of martial art training was to join that family, and that was it. So you really had to give up a lot. So, yeah, and it's way beyond Buddhism—it's everywhere.
Student: Well thank you for explaining it a little better.
Ken: Okay. Well, you're very welcome.
Now, you had a question, totally different topic I imagine.
Student: I think so. I am dealing with like hatred and intolerance, and it comes up when I'm sitting and I think, "Okay, well I'll try to just be present for it, and maybe be curious," and while compassion kind of eludes me, like just sort of a radical curiosity I guess, I've heard. But it's very overwhelming; it's like for exterior stuff that happens, you know, and so then I'm attached to that hatred, and it's again, I shouldn't, and then I shouldn't for the shouldn't.
Ken: Okay, is it okay if we engage this a little bit here?
Ken: Okay, so can you bring up the feeling of intolerance or hatred?
Ken: Can you bring it up?
Student: Like at just in a moment's notice?
Ken: Yeah. Can you recall it?
Student: Can I recall it? Yeah.
Ken: Okay, so just recall it, and tell me what happens in your body.
Student: Umm. It's like a black ball right here.
Ken: Okay, what physical sensations?
Ken: What's the ball made of?
Student: Like fire, and like black tar.
Ken: Okay. It's right here—solar plexus?
Ken: Okay. Now in this exchange we just go as far as you want.
Ken: You tell me, okay? Okay now my sense is you're already feeling something else.
Ken: Like…if I'm reading you correctly it's hurt and pain.
Ken: You know, you don't have to explain what it's about.
Ken: We don't need to do that, okay?
Ken: Okay. But it's there; so on the one hand there's this hatred which is—and intolerance—which is a hardening.
Ken: Right. And on the other hand there's a hurt and pain, but you can only experience that because you are softening.
Ken: Okay? So you'll have this hardening and the softening going on at the same time, and it's probably a little confusing.
Ken: Okay. Now, that's always the case.
Ken: Wherever we are angry there's that hardening and that heat and fire. But wherever there's that anger there's also the hurt, where we feel weak, and vulnerable, and at threat, and hurt, and so forth. Now I'm going to ask you to do something that may be a little challenging. Okay? And I want you to do this at this point only at the level of the body.
Ken: Okay? I want you to feel the hardening and the softening at the same time. So just take a couple of moments.
Ken: And there will be parts of you that harden like this, and burn, and then parts of you that soften and feel hurt.
Okay, that's really good. What was that like?
Student: Umm, like I'm shaking kind of.
Student: Like I'm…like I could like convulse kind of.
Student: Like convulsing almost sort of feeling.
Ken: Yeah, there's a lot of energy there isn't it? Okay. Was it tolerable?
Ken: Well actually they were probably all doing it themselves.
Student: Because I knew I was…I'm holding a microphone.
Ken: Didn't want it to go flying across the room.
Ken: Yeah, okay. Yes and that may be because usually when there's that kind of hardness and that kind of pain, there's something in us that's trying to come out.
Ken: Okay. And when we go with the hardness we just shut everything down, and it doesn't feel very good.
Ken: You include both of these. And don't try to be balanced but you just keep including both.
Ken: And so sometimes the body is shaking, but it allows whatever is at the core, to start to come out. Don't try to do this necessarily all at once.
Ken: Because the sense that I have is there may be something a little deep. But when you practice rather than, you know, being curious, which is good, or trying to be a certain way, just open to exactly what you're experiencing, and use your meditation practice to stay with it, and when you notice that you're hardening against it, ease off because that doesn't help.
And when you notice that you're getting lost in it, ease off, because that doesn't help.
Ken: And you just kind of feel your way with this.
Ken: Yeah and you are going to be doing that a lot. [Laughter] Because there's all of this stuff in us that we haven't experienced, and when anything outside resonates with it, all of these very powerful feelings are coming up.
It's interesting what you say about that ball of anger being like this black burning thing. Because that's exactly how the hell realms are described in Buddhism.
Ken: You have this thing inside of you, which is burning you from the inside out.
Ken: You know. Does this help?
Student: It does, thank you.
Ken: Yeah, so you make it really alive that way, and just what you experience. And you can see we didn't have any shoulds or shouldn'ts in here.
Ken: They're not helpful. Okay.
Student: All right, I appreciate that, thanks.
One here, and then we will come back to you, okay. I think that we just have time.
Ken: What are you trying to work with here? I mean what are you trying to get rid of? It sounds like you're trying to get rid of something.
Student: You know, it's just this whole story that comes up, and it's creating a lot of suffering for me.
Ken: Yeah, okay, one thing that I want you to do: go to my web site, which is unfetteredmind.org. HYPERLINK I can give you a card so you don't have to remember.
Ken: And you will find an item there called Master List which just lists all the content on the site, which is way more than you want to know.
Ken: And do you remember where it is Art? That will be in Making Things Happen.
Ken: Yeah, it will be under classes or retreats.
Student: Okay so it's a podcast.
Ken: It's a podcast, and it's called Making Things Happen.
Ken: Okay. So it's a workshop that I did three or four years ago, which was just about how to make something happen. Now, the first thing I'm going to say to you is don't try to get rid of this attachment!
Ken: No, I mean this is where you're alive. This is what you want to do. Why would you want to get rid of that?
Student: Well it's the suffering I think that I want to get rid of.
Ken: Oh that's totally different!
Student: Yeah, yeah, it's more of the suffering that the attachment is producing.
Ken: You know attachment's got such a bad name, and I think it's a really bad translation, because there's a lot of confusion about it, but then I can get on my high horse and go on forever about that.
Student: I think it's more the suffering because what happens is there's so much suffering that I become—I feel paralyzed.
Ken: Yeah, but look at what you're saying here.
Ken: That suffering is an expression of your longing.
Ken: Why would you want to get rid of that?
Student: In getting what I want.
Ken: And you know why?
Student: So it's very…to me it's a very pragmatic kind of thing that is happening that I don't know how to solve with my meditation practice.
Ken: Yeah, right, well you're not going to solve it with your meditation practice.
Ken: But you know, that's—meditation practice is going to give you the capabilities to solve it, but you're not going to solve it with your meditation practice. That's an important distinction.
Ken: Okay. So, you want this to happen tomorrow, don't you?
Student: Yes, actually today would be good. Now.
Ken: What today would be good. Oh, okay.
Ken: Oh I'm sorry I forgot my magic wand. Come back next month and I'll try to remember it. [Laughter] Okay, now there are actually quite a few good books on this subject. I'm not sure—one good book is What Color is your Parachute, which you might pick up because it's helped a lot of people make career changes. But I would suggest you listen to that podcast because there are some very practical things about how to make something happen. But the one thing I am going to say is, every day do one thing that moves you in the direction you want. It doesn't have to be a big thing; it can be a very small thing. It may be a phone call, and you're going to talk with someone. Maybe it's looking up and getting some information from a website. Whatever. But every day you do one thing.
Student: …but it's never enough to get what I want. So it's kind of like, if I was just doing more, that's why it's not—so that's where the suffering kind of comes in. It's this bar, this kind of bar that I continue to raise, and so how do you move through that using you know just being…I guess just bringing equanimity to what I am doing right now and letting it be enough. I guess is what I am trying to.
Ken: Yeah, and see that is very different from working with attachment isn't it?
Ken: "To the point that it's generating income." But you see what you're doing is putting the things in place which are going to allow you to make the shift.
Student: Yeah, that helps a lot. Yeah, thank you.
Ken: Okay, quick question right at the back here. Back to you.
Student: Mine was kind of in relation to her; you were kind of giving her a model for working with anger and frustration.
Student: Is it kind of the same model for sadness and loneliness, and the softer side? Because you were referring to one as hard and one as soft.
Ken: Yes, that's a very good point. Where there's sadness there's always anger, you know. So find the anger and then include both. With loneliness, there's either a feeling of connection or a longing for connection. Because you don't feel lonely unless you want connection, so there's something you feel very connected to. So include both of those. And with everything that's throwing us out of balance in our lives, there's always the other pole, and the way to work with that is, find that other pole and then include the experience of both, and start with the body because it stops you going off into all kinds of stories. Okay?
Ken: You're welcome. Okay. So you've wasted another perfectly good hour and a half [laughter]. Let's close with the dedication here.
Ken: Pardon? You recognize it? [Laughter] See I really need someone to do this with, and then we could have a great time [laughter]. There's a person up in Portland that I sometimes teach with, and we did a couple of retreats, and it was Mutt and Jeff, except one person wrote us an email afterwards and said, "The Buddhadharma should be taken seriously." [Laughter] So, we do in our own way. Okay.
And awaken good through out the world.


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Lewis, Ann (2012) 'Une tâche ineffaçable?' Rétif's representation of the prostitute in 'Le Pornographe' and 'La Paysanne pervertie'. In: Arnaud, S. and Jordheim, H. (eds.) Le Corps et ses images dans l'Europe du dix-huitième siècle/The Body and its Images in Eighteenth-Century Europe. International Eighteenth-Century Studies. Paris, France: Champion, pp. 49-71. ISBN 9782745322678.
This list was generated on Thu Apr 25 03:24:45 2019 BST.


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