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Category Archives: Little Gou
The Crocodile Princess is coming to the big screen!
Posted on January 10, 2017 by UltraRob
Now that the ink is drying on the contracts, I have an announcement to make. My novel, The Crocodile Princess, has been licensed by Keller Entertainment to become both a graphic novel and a feature film in conjunction with a Major Chinese studio. (Not sure I'm allowed to say who yet, so we'll leave it at that.)
I've been sitting on this news for two months now, since the fine folks at Keller Entertainment first approached me, but wanted to wait until the contract was officially signed before I made the announcement. I've worked with the Kellers to get the story down to a more manageable form (it's a bit long for a film) and I'll be scripting the graphic novel myself. (But not the film, although I will be working with the scriptwriter.) This is why I stopped writing stories for a while, as I've been too busy with the development process.
Now, there is something I should mention that isn't going to make everyone happy, but I want to be upfront about it. The Chinese studio wants to make an adventure film set in China, but which will also appeal to an international audience. What that means is that they asked that at least three of the main characters become foreigners so they could put famous Hollywood actors in the roles for some star power outside of China. This is part of the current Chinese strategy to reach a global market, and upcoming films like The Great Wall with Matt Damon are examples of this approach. Long story short- Little Gou has been replaced by a Scottish sailor who's been living in China, and Sister Cat by a similar character (still Chinese) who is a little more petite than the mighty warrior nun of the Gou adventures. This comprise allowed me to keep Gou and Cat separate from the film rights, while finding the balance the producers wanted. I know there will be claims of whitewashing, but it was the only way the project would move forward. Think of it as an alternate reality version of my original novel's story. 🙂
Speaking of stories, I have to say the revised version of the story is awesome, and much better than my original in some ways. Getting to work with entertainment professionals has really helped to up my writing game, and the story has only benefited from it. For example, the character replacing Sister Cat is no longer a sidekick character, but an equal partner to the roguish gambler, and helps to drive the story in a way Cat never did. I'm really excited to see this character and her story evolve, and this new pair are quite the swashbuckling duo! You'll get to see them in action on the page, and hopefully on the big screen not too long afterwards.
The truth is, I can hardly believe it myself and it still seems unreal to me, but every word I've just written is true. One of my stories is jumping to not one, but two other media, and it's going to be incredible to watch it all unfold.
I'll update you all from time to time, and if there are any questions just ask! And, if you want to read the book that inspired all this, why not click this link and pick up a copy?
Posted in Little Gou, My Stories	| Tagged Graphic Novel, Keller Entertainment, Movie, The Crocodile Princess
Rob Talks the Love of Podcasting with Jack Ward
Posted on April 5, 2015 by UltraRob
I recently paid a visit to the Sonic Society's Sonic Speaks podcast to talk with the incomparable Jack Ward about the history of my podcast- Kung Fu Action Theatre. In the interview, we talk about how I got into podcasting, my experience running KFAT, and my eventual decision to stop doing audio drama. Along the way, we discuss writing and the transition of going between being an audio dramatist and a prose fiction writer, and the challenges that come with learning to tell stories in audio before you've mastered prose.
It was a fun chat, and I hope we can do it again sometime. It made me think a lot about the differences between writing for audio and prose that I hadn't considered, and I think I too learn from the exploration. If you're planning to do Audio Drama, or make the jump from Audio Drama to fiction writing, it would definitely be a good one to listen to.
Posted in Little Gou, Recommended Listening, Twin Stars, Writing Audio Drama	| Tagged Audio Drama, Interview, Jack Ward, Podcast, Podcasting, Sonic Society, Sonic Speaks, writing
Crocodile Princess Excerpt 3/3- The Happy Ox Inn
Posted on September 5, 2014 by UltraRob
For these three days, I'll be posting three chapters as an excerpt from my newly released novel Little Gou and the Crocodile Princess, available now wherever eBooks are sold!
Chapter 18- The Happy Ox Inn
It was late afternoon when it happened.
Baking under the mid-day sun, most of the crew had retreated under the shade offered by the sail and superstructure as the ship cut through the green waters of the canal. Meiyu had let herself doze in the heat, but the Lin clan members were still up and awake around her, watching for trouble. They were an extremely careful lot. With only a few exceptions she had noticed that they ate only their own dried rations to make sure no-one could poison them, and there were always two of them awake at any given time.
At the moment, Madam Lin was the one sleeping, while Dancing Blade watched Meiyu and Dancing Cloud ate. The dried meat and pickled vegetables had a strong, pungent odor to them that made most of the people around her move far away.
Then, without warning, one of the four horses tied in the center suddenly let out a cry and started thrashing around. Everyone who had been asleep was instantly awake, and the crew erupted into worried shouts as the animal began to kick and try to pull itself free. This also upset the other horses, who began to react by pulling away and trying to escape from their panicked brother.
Four large, upset animals anywhere is a problem, but on a boat only five arm-spans wide it could be a disaster. So, the Lin clan members leapt into immediate action, with Dancing Blade rushing for the horse which had started the problem, while Dancing Cloud and Madam Lin rushed into try and separate the other three horses from their disturbed brother.
As this happened, Meiyu was watching in fascination, but then felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking up, she saw one of the boatmen, who laid a finger in front of his lips.
"You have a beautiful voice songbird, but moreso, you have a clever way with verses. Child of the great Crocodile of White Fox Town, is it? We have great respect for him, and would do anything to help his child stuck in a time of need." He produced a small knife that he used to cut her bonds. "Fly, little songbird. While you have the chance."
In an instant, she was free, and she did the first thing that came to mind- she jumped up, ran to the edge of the boat and jumped off.
Hitting the cool water, she took a moment to kick off her shoes, and then swam up to the surface. The boat had already sailed past her, but there was no sign any of the Lins had noticed she was gone- yet. Seizing the moment, she began to swim as fast as she could for a clump of bushes near the shore. Once there, she used the plants as cover while she crept out of the murky canal and headed into the forest beyond.
Being Northerners from the dry plains, she considered it likely that her former captors couldn't swim, which meant they would have to get the boat to shore to follow her. That would buy her time, but even more importantly, they wouldn't know which side of the canal she was on. With just three of them, it would be hard for them to pursue her on both sides, and that gave her odds she could work with.
They would have horses, but they were also strangers to the central plains, which meant that the locals wouldn't be as inclined to help them as they would her. If she could just find a large enough town, she could get help from some of her family's allies.
For now, Meiyu just focused on running as fast as her bare feet could carry her.
Last Brother Shou had seen everything.
Sitting atop a horse on a nearby hilltop that looked down on the canal, he and his two companions had watched as the girl jumped from the boat and fled into the forest beyond.
They had tracked the Lin clan members to the place where they'd gotten passage on the riverboat, and spent most of the day following the boat's slow passage along the canal. It wasn't hard for their horses to overtake the boat, and they'd been content with pacing it and waiting for it to make landfall so they could make their move.
Now that was in the past, and their quarry was again escaping them on the other side of the canal.
Shou frowned. "Is there a crossing near here?"
He looked at Xiao, and Xiao looked at Mah.
Mah said nothing.
"Then we find one." Shou said, bringing his horse around and gesturing ahead of them along the road. "She'll head for the nearest town, we'll catch her there."
"This'll do. Thank you."
Meiyu hopped from the cart and bowed a more formal thank you to the old farmer who'd been kind enough to give her a ride into town. Then she turned and looked about. It wasn't a large town, perhaps fifty or sixty families, but Willow Garden was on the caravan routes, so there was a chance she might find some of her family's allies here.
The market square was mostly empty, with the majority of the businesses having closed for the day. All that remained open were a few lantern-lit outdoor wine gardens and a couple street food sellers. A scattering of people wandered about- people strolling to enjoy the cooling early evening breeze as the sun set in the west.
Picking an older couple, Meiyu approached them cautiously and politely, brushing her hair back and arranging herself to try to make up for her disheveled, barefoot appearance. While the husband recoiled at her approach, the wife seemed more sympathetic, and after a brief conversation Meiyu learned what she needed to know. There were three large inns in the town, each of them just off the market square a short distance. The roughest was a place called the Happy Ox Inn, and it was also the largest of the three, which made it her best choice.
Making her way down the side street, she located the Happy Ox fairly easily by following the sounds of laughter and singing. It had an extensive wine garden patio, and as Meiyu passed she could see it was filled with tough looking drunken travelers and overly painted women enjoying themselves under newly lit lanterns.
To most, that sight alone would have been enough to turn them around and send them in another direction, lest the revelers took notice of them. But Mao Meiyu was a resident of White Fox Town, and the daughter of an armed escort agency headman. To her, this wasn't dangerous, it was a small touch of home.
Meiyu wandered into the inn's central hall and looked around. It was a typically laid-out country Inn, with a two level central hall and little in the way of decoration. A bit stuffy from the lanterns and back ovens, it was not as full as outside, and the smells of food that filled the place pulled hard at her empty stomach.
As the Lins had taken her money purse, there was little she could do about that. So, she steeled herself and hoped for the best as she headed straight for the bar along the wall to her right.
A soot and cobweb encrusted placard reading "The Happy Ox" hung above the bar along with a small mounted box containing the customary shrine to the Seven Lucky Gods. She tossed a silent prayer to them herself as she eased up to the bar and caught the innkeeper's attention.
He gave a yellow-toothed smile, looking her up and down, and letting his gaze linger on her chest for just a bit too long.
"Yes? Can I help you?"
"I'm trying to find someone from the Mao Family Armed Escort Agency, or someone who knows them. Is there anyone like that around here?"
The innkeeper's smile faded to almost a frown, then he indicated the stairs at the back with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"Go the second floor, blue trimmed door on your right." He said, and then wandered off to tend to another customer.
Meiyu blinked. She hadn't hoped, but now she was so close! Her heart leapt as she turned around to head for the stairs.
And, that's when she saw Dancing Cloud.
The unhappy looking Lin clan fighter was coming around the tables to her right, between her and the stairs. And a quick look showed Dancing Blade was there as well, coming at her from the main entrance to her left.
She was surrounded!
What could she do? She was so close! She just had to find a way to get across the room to the staircase and up to her father's people on the second floor. If she got there, they could help her fend off these her pursuers- but how?
Then it occurred to her- the people upstairs weren't her only source of help.
Her eyes darted around the room, and she spotted the person she was looking for. Across the hall was the biggest, toughest looking man in the room- a hairy mountain of muscle clad in animal furs and surrounded by other rough looking fighters. They looked like a bunch of bandits in to spend their ill-gotten gains.
Snatching a half-empty wine flask from the top of the bar, Meiyu wound up and threw it with all her might at the lead bandit's bald head.
Out of the corner of her eye, Meiyu caught a flash of panic on Dancing Cloud's face, and the Lin girl started to move to intercept the bottle, but it was much too late. There was a resounding "crack!" as the bottle hit, and then the crash of ceramic shattering as it hit the floor.
In an instant, the whole inn was filled with the sound of chairs flying as a whole table of bandits leapt to their feet, weapons at the ready. They scanned the room, looking about for whoever had just signed their grave marker, and their eyes all fell on Mao Meiyu.
At first, they seemed a bit confused, but then at a barked order from their still cursing, wine-soaked leader they rapidly began to advance at her, throwing tables and people out of the way as they charged across the room like an advancing horde.
Meiyu looked at Dancing Cloud.
Dancing Cloud looked at Meiyu.
"I hate you." Said the Lin girl's eyes.
Then she and her brother both leapt to put themselves between Meiyu and the bandits, their jian swords drawn as both took up a side-by-side battle stance.
The appearance of the green and black clad Twin Dancers of the Nine Trees Armed Escort Agency may have caused a hesitation in the bandits, but it was nothing significant. No-one here knew who they were, and all they saw was a pair of finely dressed young adults with swords. Nothing to be concerned about.
As a result, the charge continued, and in seconds the first of the bandits reached the Lin fighters, axe held high and wailing from the top of his lungs. At least, until Dancing Blade's swordtip carved out most of his throat. He hit the ground in a gurgling mess.
But, even though he was down, the rest of them already had momentum, and so where he fell, five more took his place to surround the pair.
Meiyu watched as the twin combatants, clearly experienced at dealing with situations such as these, fell into a series of practiced moves. At first, one would defend while the other attacked, and then at an unknown signal, they would switch positions without losing a beat. This created an almost unbreachable wall of death that the bandits threw themselves against, and as a result, the second wave went down mere moments after the first bandit had hit the floor.
Meiyu had known the pair were good, but she hadn't realized how good, and she now knew that this distraction wasn't going to last much longer. So, leaving them to fight off the remaining bandits, Meiyu dashed around the fight and made an arc right for the back stairs- almost reaching them when something in the back of her head told her to duck.
Instinctively, she dropped and rolled, hearing the whoosh of the hand axe pass over her head and the deep "thunk!" of it burying itself into the wooden pillar beside her.
Spinning around, she saw the bandit leader coming at her, a second larger axe in his grip. Screaming obscenities, he brought the axe down at her head, forcing her to roll out of the way and dive beneath a nearby table in an effort to stay away from him.
On and on he came, flipping the tables as she scrambled this way and that, trying to avoid the axe that just kept coming. In the back of her head, it occurred to her that perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all, and she cursed herself for underestimating the potential downside of her strategy.
Spotting a saber lying on the floor nearby, she seriously considered fighting back, but that idea died a quick death when she realized that it wouldn't be much use against the power of the axe that she was facing. She was out-classed, out-powered, and- as she dove to avoid another attack- quickly running out of places to hide.
Then she saw her opening.
The axe had become stuck in the floor after that last strike, and the bandit leader was having trouble freeing it. In that fraction of a second, she dove past the bandit in a roll and came up on the other side running. With all her effort, she bolted to the stairs and bounded up them three steps at a time.
Behind her, Meiyu could hear the thunderous steps as the bandit leader followed, and as she hit the corner on the stairs she saw him charging up the steps right after her. There was blood on his face and murder in his eyes.
But she was faster, and she continued up the stairs and out into the hall balcony. It was filled with inn girls and their clients leaning over the railing to watch the fight. Seeing the bandit come up behind her, they began to scream and scatter, which suited her fine since she needed the way clear.
Sprinting forward, she searched frantically for the blue trimmed door- finally seeing it just ahead at the end of the corridor. With her chest heaving, she prayed that there would be some of her father's fighters inside, or at least someone who could help her escape from the giant looming up at her rear.
However, just as she was about to reach the door there was a whistling sound and pain screamed from her back as something hard and heavy struck her. She was thrown forward, slamming into the floor and everything went black for a brief moment as the world became a spinning mess.
As soon as she could even try to think, she was moving again, forcing herself to try and get up. Twisting around, she saw the bandit leader's oversized hand lift up the heavy axe from where it had struck her and stride forward. He had thrown the blunt end to bring her down, but now the gleaming blade was hanging above her as she scrambled backwards as fast as she could- her body screaming when she slammed against the door.
"You little witch." He growled. "I'm going to skin you alive."
"W-wait," she said, raising hand in feeble defense and yelling as loudly as she could. "If you harm me, you'll regret it, my father is Crocodile Mao!"
But the giant shook his bloody head, "Don't know him, but if he wants your skin he can pay me for it."
The axe went up, preparing for a killing blow.
But, just as it did, Meiyu felt the door behind her open, and she fell onto her back, looking up at the ceiling.
From the room with the blue trimmed door, a man Meiyu had never seen before ducked and stepped into the corridor. A handsome face with sad eyes looked down at her, framed by a flowing mass of long black hair that ran down over the shoulders of red armor. Almost as big as the bandit leader, he was clad in the dress of a military man and carried a halberd.
"Crocodile Mao's daughter?" He said, looking down at her.
"Y-yes!" She gasped. "Help me!"
He nodded once, and shifted his gaze to the bandit leader. The barbarian had been so shocked by this soldier's appearance that he'd not only stopped his attack, but stared at the new arrival in wonder.
"Leave her," said the armored man.
Not quite willing to give up, the bandit leader brought his axe to the ready. "This one owes me. Are you going to pay her debt?"
But, just as he finished those words, his eyes went wide with shock, and he looked down to see the blade of the soldier's halberd embedded deep in his chest. It had happened so fast he hadn't even seen the man move, it was like it had just appeared there on its own.
Just as quickly, the halberd was gone, and the bandit leader collapsed to the floor- his huge body a twitching lifeless mass.
Meiyu stared at the dead bandit, shocked by the sudden violence. Even she, who had been right there, hadn't seen the attack until it was finished.
Who was this soldier?
She had never seen anyone like him before, and certainly would have known if her father employed such an incredibly skilled fighter.
The soldier leaned down, offering his hand to help her up.
"Come."
Hesitating, Meiyu began to reach out to take it, but then another voice called out.
Both Meiyu and the soldier turned to see the battered pair of Dancing Blade and Dancing Cloud rushing along the corridor at them. It was Dancing Blade who had shouted, and both had their bloodied weapons at the ready.
"She's ours!" The Lin brother called out as the pair drew close. "Leave her be if you value your life!"
What to know what happens next? Check out Amazon, Smashwords, or your favorite eBook seller. (Printed copies coming soon!)
Alternatively, if you're interested in a free Review Copy, then email me at rob_paterson@hotmail.com and I'd be happy to give you one in the format of your choice in trade for a review if you like it.
Posted in China, Little Gou, My Stories	| Tagged Crocodile Princess, Excerpt, Little Gou, novel, WuXia
Crocodile Princess Excerpt 2/3- The Lin Family
Chapter 17- The Lin Family
"…His daughter's life for the box."
Meiyu stared at the scene in shock- her maid, her closest friend, Little Jing was only a thin silver blade away from death. She couldn't believe that the Lin family could be so ruthless or underhanded as to do something like this. Didn't they know what this would do their family reputation?
And what was this box she was talking about? What could be so important?
But Meiyu pushed aside such questions as she heard her uncle finally begin to speak below.
"Madam Lin!" Gan gasped. "This is outrageous!"
The prune faced old woman merely looked at him curiously. "Clearly you are unaware of the stakes involved. Nothing is too outrageous in times such as these."
At this, the assembled Mao family escorts wanted to lunge forward and attack, but Gan held them back with a gesture.
"Madam Lin…" He said, his voice showing the great effort it was taking to remain calm. "Whatever grievances you have with our master, the girl is no part of this. Don't sully the names of your family or shame your ancestors by engaging in such low acts as kidnapping."
"She is a member of your clan, that is enough." Said the elder. "Now, lay down your blades."
Meiyu watched as her Uncle Gan gave a deep sigh and shrugged. "Fine, if you wish there to be blood, then that's how it will be." Then at a whistle from their leader, the nine warriors of the Mao Armed Escort Agency who stood with Gan moved in a flash to surround the old woman and her grandson with their blades.
"Even with your skill, madam." Gan said in an intimidating voice that Meiyu had never heard before, "You and your grandson will not escape us alive." Then he looked up menacingly at Dancing Cloud. "The girl will not escape us either, when we are done with you. So I offer you a trade, your lives for those of your hostage."
It was a standoff. And, Meiyu watched in rapt fascination as each side faced down the other, neither saying a word as a war of wills took place. She knew her uncle was the veteran of over a hundred caravans, and had no doubts had been in this situation many times before. However, she also knew that Madam Lin was long experienced in these manoeuvers of deceit and treachery that often took place within the martial underworld.
Against another opponent, each would likely win, but against such fearsome opposition, who would be victorious was anyone's guess. Either way, the outcome was likely to be short, fast and brutal if one did not back away from the challenge…
One of her uncle's fighters gave a loud groan, and doubled over.
Everyone looked at the man in shock, but then, another man did the same!
Gan gave Madam Lin a sharp look, "We checked the food for poison."
The crone smiled. "Do you know why my grandchildren are called the Twin Dancers? Because two things which are good when apart can be most deadly when they are brought together."
"No!" Gan shouted, and lunged at her with his sword, but the poison was already starting to affect him as well, and she easily avoided his clumsy attack. Then she counterattacked with her small hands in a burst of moves that left Gan, and the two nearest Mao men lying crumpled on the floor. Her grandson finished the others with equal speed, not leaving a single member of the Mao escorts standing.
Meiyu then watched as Madam Lin stood over the barely conscious Gan.
"I apologize for the methods, but we cannot have you following us. The poison is not lethal, and you will recover…in a few weeks."
Then she turned and stabbed a finger at the innkeeper.
The short, chubby man bowed nervously. "Yes, my lady?"
"Their servants, fetch them."
While the innkeeper sent a boy to do so, Meiyu considered her options. There wasn't much she was going to be able to do against this old witch, and it sounded like if she kept still these devils would be gone soon. On the other hand, if they left they would take Little Jing, and when they learned she wasn't Meiyu they would likely kill her.
There had to be a way out of this, and Meiyu struggled to think what it was as she watched Dancing Cloud escort Jing down the stairs to join the others below. What would Little Gou do in a situation like this, she found herself thinking. If only she'd paid more attention to those ridiculous stories he always told while trying to impress her. Perhaps there would have been something there she could use.
But no, she wasn't Little Gou, she was Mao Meiyu, her father's daughter.
And she knew what had to be done.
Meiyu waited until the lead servants appeared, and then made her move.
While Madam Lin instructed the servants to take the poisoned men to their master and pass along the message of her hostage, Meiyu got from her seat and walked down the stairs.
Dancing Blade saw her coming, and perhaps concerned she might be fighter or escort he let his hand fall on his sword hilt as he fixed her with his sharp gaze.
"Begone," he said, watching her approach.
His need to speak caused the others to turn and look at her, and Meiyu saw the shock in Little Jing's eyes as her friend saw her approach. She could see the pleading look in Jing's expression, not for help, but for Meiyu to leave her be! But, this attempt at sacrifice only made Meiyu's determination to carry through even stronger.
"You have the wrong girl," Meiyu said, pulling off her black cap to let her long hair flow free. "I'm the one you want."
For the first time in the evening, even Madam Lin looked confused.
"I'm Mao Meiyu," she said, standing before them. "That girl is my servant who was taking my place while I ate out here."
The elder Lin looked her over with care, then had Dancing Cloud bring Jing closer so she could be examined. Finally, the old fighter looked at the servants from the caravan she had summoned.
"Is that one," she said, pointing at Meiyu. "Your master's daughter?"
No, the three servants assured her, Jing was in fact their master's daughter, not this stranger.
Satisfied, the old woman made her decision, and at a nod from her, Jing was released and Dancing Sword grabbed Meiyu's arm.
"You resemble your mother," Madam Lin commented. "But, I needed their lies to be sure."
"Hold."
When Last Brother Shou raised his hand, his two companions brought their horses to a stop. It had been almost a full day and a half since they had stolen these mounts after setting the barge on fire and fleeing from Green Rapids Town. Now, they were searching from inn to inn, looking for any sign or trace of the Mao bridal caravan.
Having stopped for dinner, their questions had borne fruit- some merchants had seen the very caravan they were looking for to the west earlier in the day. They didn't even stay to finish their meals before they were on their hard-worn mounts again and riding, following directions to the most likely place where such a caravan would spend the night.
Now, just before midnight, they had found the Inn in question.
The three dismounted, and Shou sent Xiao to look in the stable yard.
He came back a few minutes later to indicate that there was indeed a large caravan here, including a bridal palanquin.
They had found the right place, at last.
Forming up with Shou at the lead, the three headed straight for the front gate of the Inn. It was quiet inside, but that wasn't unusual for this hour. Only a few lanterns were lit, which meant most of the people would probably be asleep.
All the better for them. [Author's Note: Shou, Xiao and Mah are not the good guys. ]
Pushing open the gate, they walked inside. The main hall of the inn was quiet, as expected, and the only occupants of the many tables were a chubby, balding man and what looked to be two servants sitting and talking over wine. The chubby man, who Shou took to be the innkeeper, jumped up and scurried to greet them.
"Gracious guests," he said, bowing slightly, "Welcome. Welcome. Do you need a room for the night?"
Shou kept his voice low, glancing about.
"I'm looking for a bridal caravan owned by the Mao family. Are they staying here?"
The innkeeper froze, his smile fading.
"Ahh…Yes…" He finally said, and something about his tone and odd expression made Shou pause.
"Have they not all come?"
The Innkeeper hesitated, and then explained…
The sun had just crested the horizon to the east and the air was still filled with the light mists of morning when the horse Meiyu was riding came to an abrupt stop and jolted her out of the half-sleep fatigue had pushed her into.
Looking up, she saw they were now on the bank of what looked to be a long but extremely straight river. Dancing Cloud was beside her, looking as tired as Meiyu felt, and the elder Lin had gone forward with the girl's brother to a very small port along the waterway. There, she could see them bargaining with some dark-skinned merchant from the South who was using his hands a lot.
"Where are we?" Meiyu asked, hoping the sister was feeling talkative.
The girl gave her a sharp look for talking, but then her face softened. She was too tired to play the captor. "It's a canal," she said in her thick Northern accent. "We're going to travel by boat to prevent them from finding us."
Meiyu nodded, but didn't say anything. Weary as she was, even she knew that wasn't correct. Maybe to Northerners, who lived in a dryer climate, water and river travel represented a way to lose their pursuers, but here in central China travel on the canals was anything but private. Not only would everyone in this village know the way they had gone, but everyone along the canal who they passed (and there would be many) would also take note of them.
Her father, Crocodile Mao, had earned his nickname because of his fondness for escorting people and goods on the rivers and canals of the central plains. The Empire was built on its ancient canals, and there was always trade passing along these busy networks of waterways. While it was not the majority of his business anymore, many of the tales Meiyu had grown up on were of jobs done on the water.
She knew the tricks of the trade here, but wondered if the Lin family did.
After a time, Madam Lin returned to the horses and ordered the girls to dismount. They untied Meiyu's hands from the saddle horn, but kept her hands tied together and Dancing Cloud led her along like a horse. The whole group and their horses were escorted to the dock, which at the moment was empty of boats, barges, or anything else resembling transportation.
Dancing Cloud put her on a stone bench and told her to sit quietly, trying the end of the rope to nearby post, and then left Meiyu alone while she walked a short distance away to see to the horses. Not that this gave Meiyu a chance to escape, for Dancing Sword was still near her, seeing to his grandmother's needs.
It seemed they were going to have to wait for the next barge. This suited Meiyu fine, as it meant she wouldn't be on a moving animal. After the night before, even the bruises on her backside had bruises, and she enjoyed sitting on something flat and stable. She leaned back against the wall behind her and closed her eyes to enjoy the moment.
She must have dozed, because the next thing she was aware of was Dancing Cloud talking to her and shoving a steamed bun into her hands. As she accepted it, the other girl sat down beside her and began to eat. Meiyu watched as the desperately hungry girl, who wasn't much older than herself, tried to find a way to eat the still too hot bun by blowing on it and taking small bites. It was all very childlike, and she began to feel that Dancing Cloud was actually a bit immature for her age, despite her stern manner.
Maybe, she thought, under other circumstances she and this girl might have been friends. They really weren't so different, not at all. Well, except for this girl having the manners of a wolf cub.
Then the Lin girl, perhaps realizing that she was being watched, looked at her crossly and gestured toward Meiyu's own bun.
Meiyu nodded and began to nibble, then she said. "Can I ask you something?"
The Lin girl looked at her suspiciously, but didn't say no, so Meiyu continued. "Your grandmother said she wanted to trade me to my father for a box. What kind of box?"
"It is important, that is all I know." The girl said. "Grandmother says we need it to get justice for my grandfather."
Meiyu leaned in. "Master Lin was murdered?"
Dancing Cloud gave a sad nod of her head.
"Who did it?"
"We do not know. We sent letters to the council, but they refused to help us. If we have the box, grandmother says they will listen."
"Wuyun," Meiyu pleased. "This is wrong. Kidnapping me isn't going to help bring justice for your grandfather."
"You are the one who is wrong, child." Came a voice, and Meiyu turned to look up into the angry eyes of Madam Lin. "The only thing those ***** sons of the council care about is power, so we will take their precious box from them and use it to make them help us. My late husband's spirit will not rest until the blood of his enemy is poured on his grave."
A fire burned brightly in the old woman's eyes, one that Meiyu had seen many times in her short life as a member of the Jianghu martial arts underworld. It was the flame of vengeance, and it made a person sacrifice anyone and anything in order to achieve their bloody dreams. Seeing it in Madam Lin, Meiyu realized at that moment that there would be no reasoning with this woman or her grandchildren.
Talking her way out of this situation would be useless.
She was going to have to find another way.
It was well into the morning when the boat they were waiting for finally came. Manned by thin, bronze skinned men wearing broad-rimmed straw hats, the flat bottomed riverboat coasted up to the dock. Almost as soon as it was tied up, the men were scampering to take down the single white sail and transfer the wide boat's cargo to the merchant's men. Busy as ants, the bags of grain and boxes of vegetables they carried were unloaded onto carts that were driven up, and then left once they were full.
Once that was done, the dark-skinned merchant she had seen Madam Lin talk to earlier motioned for them to approach, and Meiyu saw him take Madam Lin's money. The horses were taken aboard first, carefully tied in the middle of the boat, and then Meiyu and the family boarded and were given seats near the front.
The boatmen eyed Meiyu curiously as she was led aboard, but were smart enough to keep their questions to themselves in light of her armed escorts. She was again placed on a bench with Dancing Cloud as her guard, and after the boatmen loaded some other smaller cargo the ship cast off, heading south along the busy canal.
Meiyu drifted back to sleep for a time, the rocking of the boat soothing her, and was only awakened when she became conscious of the singing. Craning her neck around, she saw it was the boatman at the rudder. He had a strong, hearty voice for so thin a man, and the song was a familiar tune in one of the Southern dialects that Meiyu had heard many times. It wasn't long before the other boatmen joined in as well, and soon the whole ship was filled with harmony.
Dancing Cloud looked around at them in wonder.
"Do you want to know what they're singing?" Meiyu asked.
The Northern girl nodded.
"It's a homecoming song," Meiyu said, and then began to translate. "A husband has traveled far to make money for his family and braved many storms and bandits. Now he's coming home, and they're listing off the things he's bringing for his wife and children. The chorus is the list of things he's bringing back for them. 'A jade for my wife, pure as the sky. A dress for my daughter, to bring a tear to her eye. A peach for my mother, as round as can be. A pole for my son, to be strong like me.'"
Dancing Cloud listened for a time, then said. "The caravan men of the North sing something like that when we travel with them. But, the lyrics are different."
"There are many different versions of this song too, it changes depending on the singer and what they can come up with. Each singer will take his turn singing the chorus and add his own words to suit his song."
As they listened, one of the men at the prow sang his version of the chorus, changing it to say what he'd be bringing back for each of his three sons while the others listened and laughed at his bawdy humor.
The verse done, the rest of the crew joined in the Chorus again, and this time Meiyu joined them. Her high soprano rose up to counterpoint their baritones in a way that made everyone sit up and listen.
When it came around to her turn for a verse, her voice raised into a beautiful tremolo, the words woven with imagery steeped in an archaic dialect from her ancestors.
The boatmen hummed quietly to her melody, smiling languidly as if this were a daily occurrence, and carried on with poling the barge. They were happy to have new voice in their old song, and listened with great intent. Despite themselves, the Lin family had to admire this beautiful melody echoing like a flock of songbirds hidden the surrounding trees.
Finally, her verse done, her voice drifted off and the crew once again picked up the rhythmic bass tones of the chorus.
"You sing very well." Said an appreciative Dancing Cloud and Meiyu nodded her thanks. The Mao girl felt more relaxed now, much of her stress having been drained away by the effort of singing. She couldn't help but smile that she'd finally put her hated singing coach's long efforts to use.
The cicadas ringing in the distance, the afternoon wore on.
Continued tomorrow!
Or, if you want to read the whole book you can find it for Kindle right now for 99 cents for this month only! A deal so good even a cheapskate like Gou wouldn't pass it up!
Posted in China, Little Gou, My Stories	| Tagged Crocodile Princess, Kung Fu, Little Gou, Martial Arts, novel, WuXia
Crocodile Princess Excerpt 1/3- Meiyu
For the next three days, I'll be posting three chapters as an excerpt from my newly released novel Little Gou and the Crocodile Princess, available now wherever eBooks are sold!
Chapter 16- Meiyu
In a bridal caravan, there are few people more uncomfortable than the bride, especially when her father insists that she ride in a proper palanquin the whole way. While such a conveyance might offer luxurious comfort to some, to Mao Meiyu, the palanquin was a hot boring box that offered neither enough light to read by, nor enough comfort to sleep in. If there had been a method of torture more certain to drive one mad than this, she hadn't heard of it.
As she gave up trying to read for the umpteenth time in a week, Meiyu cried out for her bearers to stop. The men carrying her did as she ordered, and she whipped back the green door curtain and hopped out as quickly as she could.
"My lady, what seems to be the problem?"
Meiyu turned as her "Uncle" Gan came riding back on his horse. The burly old swordsman was one of her father's most trusted lieutenants, and had long cared for Meiyu much like a real uncle would, even following her to the imperial capital to take over operations there when she had been sent there to be educated by her father. He had claimed it was all a coincidence when he'd come to pay his respects shortly after she'd settled in, but she knew better- he was there to keep an eye on her.
"Uncle, please. Please. Please. Please! Let me ride a horse!"
The old man shook his head. "Tradition states…"
"You know damn well that this isn't tradition! I'm not going to my husband's home- I'm returning to my own!" She glared up at him, challenging him to tell her she was wrong.
"That may be," Gan said, not backing down. "But a young lady, and especially a young bride to be, cannot risk the dangers of a horse when her wedding night is so close."
He emphasized those last words to drive his point home. He had been perfectly fine with Meiyu riding a horse all these years, and in fact had overseen her being taught to do so when she'd been barely six. However, that had all ended when an old meddler of a nurse had taken him aside and whispered in his ear the potential riding a horse carried for a loss of maidenhood, and thus a ruined first night that might also be the quick end of a marriage.
Not being willing to risk being blamed for such an event, Meiyu's riding days had come to an abrupt halt, and Gan clearly had no intention of changing that rule under any circumstances.
"If my lady is feeling cramped, she is most welcome to walk." He told her, then wheeled around his horse and gestured for the caravan to begin moving. There were over fifty people in the wedding caravan, which brought not only Meiyu from the center of the empire, but also an abundance of gifts, foodstuffs and other items. Six carts and twenty pack horses worth of goods to be precise, in addition to what the servants carried on their backs.
Meiyu watched some of them pass her by, and then fell in step with the procession, her own personal maids appearing around her with an umbrella to shield her from the summer heat as the caravan threaded its way down south through the central plain towards Zhejiang and White Fox Town.
"Where are we now?" Meiyu asked one of her maids, Little Jing, who was also one of her closest friends.
"Near Xuzhou," the small, sharp eyed woman answered. "We'll be crossing the Feihuang River soon, and entering Tongshan."
Meiyu nodded. "Over halfway then," she said thoughtfully. "I wonder how he'll look?"
"I am told the second son of the Yun family is not unattractive."
Meiyu looked at her maid, and her eyes sparkled with laughter. "Oh yes. Him. I suppose he'll be good looking enough, although his younger brother has the nose of a monkey, so it does make one wonder…"
The maids laughed at that, and Meiyu grinned.
With the coming of dusk, the caravan found and settled at a large country inn of the kind that specialized in trade caravans between north and south. While the carriers settled and unpacked, Meiyu took the time to ready herself to be presentable for dinner. However, when she went to leave her room, her uncle appeared and barred her way.
"You will be dining in your room tonight," he informed her in a serious tone.
When she pressed for details, he finally relented and explained that several disreputable characters had been seen around the busy inn and he was concerned for her safety.
Of course, telling this to a young lady with Meiyu's temperament just made her want to attend the communal dinner even more!
She waited until he'd left, then quickly switched to some boy's clothes she'd brought for just such an occasion.
"How do I look?" She asked Little Jing as she struck a serious and thoughtful pose. She was now a handsome looking young man in blue pants, a grey longcoat with white sequins, and a black cap atop her head to hide her hair.
"Kind sir, will you marry me?" Asked the maid, looking at her with big, adoring eyes.
"Sorry, my dear." Meiyu replied in the deepest voice she could manage. "The world is filled with too many beauties for a man such as myself to settle down."
"Oh dear sir! You're so cruel!" Cried the maid in mock despair, and then they both laughed.
"Wear my dress," she told her friend. "If anyone comes to serve food, pretend to be me but don't let them in. Have them leave it just inside the door."
The maid agreed, and then after her maids distracted the guards her uncle left, Meiyu slipped out the door and down the hallway into the communal dining room.
The inn's great hall was a large noisy affair, filled with the sights, sounds and smells of over a hundred travelers taking their evening rice. Dishes of all kinds flowed around the room on trays, while wine was toasted and men and women of all shapes and sizes laughed, yelled and chattered like birds. Trays of seasoned beef in soy sauce, barbecued pork and drunken chicken made Meiyu's mouth water as their smells wafted up, and flowed in the smoky lantern light that kept the hall lit as summer evening descended.
Unable to resist, Meiyu quickly found a spot near the railing where she could look down upon the diners, and ordered up several dishes. Then she sat back with her tea and began to observe the people below her, feeling a little thrill at the power anonymity afforded her. She could see without being seen, and observe freely in ways that her school's headmistress would most definitely disapprove of.
It made her lips curl into a smile as she watched the bustle below.
Her uncle, and the rest of the guards and caravan leaders were gathered at a long table just underneath her, with the carriers and other staff consigned to eat in the servant's quarters behind the inn. Her own maids would eat in their rooms, as had been decided by her overprotective uncle.
The other tables were mostly occupied by people she judged as merchants and their companions, as one would expect at a trade crossing like this. Among them she also spotted a few swordsmen, obvious bodyguards and escorts, although none were people she knew, or who looked especially interesting or famous. In fact, as she surveyed the room more closely, she became less and less impressed with its contents. Her uncle had promised danger, but she saw none here, just boringly normal people stained with mud and wine.
Still, the night was young and there was always hope. So she tucked into her dinner and enjoyed her meal, keeping an ear and eye open for whatever might pop up below.
It was as she was finishing the chicken she'd ordered that her eye caught motion on the other balcony across from where she sat. Glancing over, she saw three people standing solemnly at the rail, looking down at where her uncle and the others sat below.
There were two women- one prune faced, one around her own age- and a young man who had the build and bearing of a swordsman. All three were clad in black, with each also having an article of bright green to offset their plain attire. The ugly older woman had her black hair piled up into a topknot with a bright green ribbon, the slender and attractive young woman had a bright green sash around her waist, and the swordsman wore a bright green vest with a golden slash on the lapel. All three carried long, slender Jian swords in ornately gilded sheaths.
So distinctive were they that Meiyu was positive she knew these strangers, but couldn't quite put her finger on their names. What was clear, however, was that these three were focused on her uncle, and from them she could feel a strong air of menace and malevolent intent. As she watched, the girl stepped back and left, while the older woman and the young man headed for the stairs.
Her pulse quickened as the old prune led the young man down the side staircase and through the assembled until she reached the table where the members of the Mao Family Armed Escort Agency sat enjoying their meal. She approached from behind Uncle Gan, and for a moment Meiyu wanted to yell out a warning before the old witch tried something, but just as the words started to form in her mouth the conversation at the table died and she saw hands lay on swords. Her uncle casually rose from his seat and turned to face the new arrivals while the men behind him stood up.
Meiyu now wished she'd thought to bring a sword. While she was no master of the blade, she knew how to use it better than many of her father's men and could make herself useful in the right moments. This looked to be one of those moments, and she unconsciously leaned in, expecting to see metal flash like it often did when members of the Jianghu martial underworld met.
Instead, what she saw was her uncle clasp his hands together and bow deeply to the old woman, and many of the other men do the same!
"Madam Lin!" Exclaimed the old swordsman. "This is a most unexpected pleasure!"
Meiyu's memory clicked the pieces into place. The old woman was Madam Lin, head of the Nine Trees Armed Escort Agency, a group that guarded caravans from the Mongol raiders up in the Northeast around Ningyuan. That meant her companions were her granddaughter, Wuyun (also known as Dancing Cloud) and her grandson Wudao (called the Dancing Blade) who had both made a name for themselves in the martial world for their refined paired style of swordsmanship. Their techniques were handed down from their grandparents, and with their parents lost to a fever they had taken a lead in the clan's activities after the recent death of their grandfather.
Even without the grandfather, the elder madam of the Lin clan was still a force to be reckoned with, and there had long been rumors that when Mongol tribes bent on raiding saw the Nine Trees flag they quickly retreated rather than risk her wrath. She was the force that made her clan a power in the escort trade, and now she was facing Meiyu's uncle with unknown intent.
"Master Gan," the old woman said with only a slight nod of her head to return the bow. "It is fortunate that we might meet here. You know my grandson, I presume?"
"Dancing Blade?" Gan said cordially. "I should hope so. The name of the Twin Dancers has carried far and wide. It is a pleasure to meet you, lad!" He greeted the young warrior, who returned his courtesy, then looked at Madam Lin with some curiosity. "I am surprised to see you here. If I may be so presumptuous, is there a special reason for this honor?"
"There is," agreed the Madam. "We are on our way to an event near Suzhou."
"Ah," Gan answered as if he understood. "Yes, you would be, wouldn't you? When I think of it, this meeting was most expected after all! Excuse this old man and his ignorance."
"Yes," the old woman said simply. "In relation to that meeting, I wish you convey a message to your master."
"Yes?" Old Gan said, surprised. "And what might that be?"
It was as she said this that Meiyu noticed something that made her look up and gasp! Standing at the balcony near the entrance to the rear rooms was Dancing Cloud, and with her was a young woman dressed in wedding finery with her hair over her face- Little Jing!
She heard gasps from below as well, and her uncle stammering in shock.
"I believe," said Madam Lin. "The message is clear enough. Tell him we wish an exchange- his daughter's life for the box."
Posted in China, Little Gou, My Stories	| Tagged Crocodile Princess, Excerpt, Little Gou, novel
My Second Novel- Little Gou and the Crocodile Princess, is done!
In Summer, 2008 I started what was to be my first novel- Little Gou and the Crocodile Princess. A thrilling WuXia adventure story centered around everyone's favorite gambler in his first long-form adventure. I wrote the first 40,000 words of the story at a rapid pace, with everything coming together like a finely crafted puzzle. It was great, it was fun, it was going to rock!
Then I hit writer's block with the story so hard that I think it gave my grandchildren a bloody nose.
Try as I might, I couldn't get the story moving again. All my attempts failed, and the tricks I used to plot it out produced nothing but boring crap.
So, I set it aside and moved on to other projects. I was in full audio-drama production mode, so it wasn't hard to just let that fill my creative needs and figure that I'd return to Crocodile Princess when the time was right.
Well, after 4 years of aborted attempts, and one novel (Twin Stars, Book One) completed, I sat down at the end of July and told myself I was going to finish this thing. I'd just gotten done listening to Stephen King's book "On Writing", which I adored, and decided that instead of plotting it out and trying to force things, I'd follow his approach and just sit down each morning and let it flow. I started using my old laptop, which can't connect to the net, stuck it in the basement and used that as a writing area. I decided that I wouldn't force it, just try to feel my way through the story inch by inch as naturally as I could.
Then I wrote. Every day.
I also decided to take some writing advice I'd heard once from Podcaster Mur Lafferty- "It's okay to suck." (Which I took to mean your first draft will often suck, but just write it anyways and then fix it during revision.)
Well, this morning, on the last day of Summer (as we teachers reckon it) I wrote the work FIN at end of page 511 and saved it. (Then saved it again on a memory stick, and stuck it up on Carbonite to make sure it doesn't get lost- ever!) At 96,449 words, I wrote roughly 54,000 of them in just the last month, which means I both won by NaNoWriMo standards, and have now written my longest 100% original work ever. (Twin Stars being an adaption of the first season of the audio dramas.)
Now, I will set it aside and let it sit for a few months while I focus on work, editing Twin Stars and getting it out for sale, and possibly writing my third novel. (Which will likely either be a Young Adult fantasy novel, a detective novel set in Taiwan, or a techno-thriller set in the near future.) Editing Crocodile Princess will also be an interesting challenge, because my writing style has changed a lot in the past four years, and I will have to make the two halves blend with each other. Either way, I've finished a novel, and now know I can do it if I try.
For now, the important thing is letting my brain rest and catching up on all the movies and other media I've ignoring over the past month while I focussed on writing.
And get lunch. Lunch is good.
Posted in Little Gou, My Stories, Novel Writing, Uncategorized	| Tagged Crocodile Princess, KFAT, Little Gou, Novel Writing, Novels, writing, WuXia
Free eBook: Suffer the Poisoner
"There's poison in your soup."
With these words, Little Gou is thrust into another adventure as he finds himself struggling to get the woman who poisoned him past an army of soldiers hunting her. Even if they can get past the army, their greatest challenge lies ahead- facing an ancient secret society who will stop at nothing to keep their existence hidden.
I've just released my newest Little Gou adventure, and I'm offering it for free for the next two weeks! Until July 2nd, if you go to Smashwords and enter the coupon code EG77P you can get it in the format of your choice absolutely free! All I ask is that if you enjoy it you leave a rating on Amazon, Smashwords or Goodreads to help me promote the story.
Posted in e-books, Little Gou, My Stories	| Tagged China, ebook, KFAT, Kindle, Kung Fu, Little Gou, Smashwords, writing
Little Gou hits the Kindle!
Well, it finally happened. 🙂
My first Little Gou short story -Hot Soup- has been published on the Kindle. The story itself is an adaption of the very first Little Gou adventure- Little Gou and the Emperor's Cousin. Although much expanded, I used the original story as the template, and somehow a 10 page script turned into 26 pages of action, comedy and adventure!
I plan to do a reading of the story for my new KFAT Audio Fiction segment on the Podcast in February, but anyone wanting to get a jump on reading it is welcome to check it out. At 99 cents, it's a steal!
For those who don't own a Kindle, I'll be putting it on Smashwords soon as well, which will get it out in the other e-book formats. I also plan to do a number of other stories this year, and similarly release them in e-book format as we go. It's a new frontier, and I've decided to saddle up and take a ride out to see what I can find.
Posted in General Writing, Little Gou, My Stories, Recommended Reading
A new direction for a new year!
Posted on January 3, 2011 by UltraRob
As any who have read the KFAT site in the last couple days know, I have decided to make a few changes in my creative directions. The reasons can be found here, but suffice it to say that it was something a long time in coming, and was spurred on by both practicality and my own need to develop myself as a writer.
The end results are that 1) I've stopped producing Audio Drama (for the foreseeable future), 2) I'm going to focus on prose (fiction) writing, and 3) I've also opened up KFAT for outside submissions.
The stopping of Audio Drama is explained on the KFAT site, but I thought I'd elaborate a little on the other two. I've wanted to shift towards writing prose for a while, especially now that I've developed my plotting and dialogue skills doing scripting, and so I'm going to use those to write short stories at first, and some longer works. In a lot of ways, I think I'll be doing much the same sort of storytelling I've done in Audio Drama form, but now I'll be doing it in prose instead. I plan to do a couple of Little Gou short stories (some adaptions of his better audio adventure, some original ones), and then we'll see where I go from there. Since I plan on podcasting these stories as audio fiction on the KFAT feed, they'll still fit the KFAT style.
The other plan, opening up KFAT to outside submissions, is pretty similar. I've put out a call for Asian-set historical short fiction (2000-6000 words) that fits with the KFAT theme and if I get any submissions I think are up to snuff I'll also put those on the feed as audio fiction as well. The truth is, I'm not a paying market (in money, but I do have (had?) a sizable audience to offer) so I don't know how many, if any, submissions I'll get. But, I wanted to put it out there in hopes of encouraging the market for Asian-set historical adventure fiction. This is the stuff I love to read, and I know some others do too.
How will all this turn out? Who knows. 2011 will be a new year of new adventure!
So let's see where it leads!
Posted in Audiobook Topics, General Writing, Little Gou
Review of KFAT on Audio Drama Review
Posted on April 13, 2010 by UltraRob
Well, it's finally happened. Audio Drama Review has gotten around to setting its sites on me and Kung Fu Action Theatre. I have to say I'm pleased with the review overall, and consider it a very fair and balanced one. Go take a look when you have the chance.
Posted in Little Gou, Recommended Reading, Team Iron Angel, Twin Stars	| Tagged Audio Drama, KFAT, Podcast, review


In case you were curious, his physical body is located at 24, 55; slightly southwest of his spirit. Not really as a selectable NPC but just as an object on the ground.
I don't get it. We are just supposed to leave him and the other dwarf to die? What kind of resolution is that?
His eyes are glowing because he is wearing Redemption Armour, known also as Tier 3, or now Tier 7. The helm makes your eyes glow.
This NPC is fairly easy to spot because he has swirling white wisps of smokish type stuff around him which make him really stand out.
As said above, he's easy to spot because of the wisps of light that he emits.
It is quite easy to spot he is not alive.
He is an undead, paladins and hunters can spot him by tracking.
He is NOT with the other two in the southern part of the area. Questhelper is an awesome add-on and fairly accurate btw. He is on a broken crossroads NE of the other two.
He's not marked as undead, however he is translucent and has many white sparks flying up around him. He won't talk to you either, kinda strange.
He's also wearing T7, unlike many of the other Argent Crusaders.
I found him today at 25, 51 in Dargath's Demise, he looks pretty cool too. His eyes are white and more glowy than your average paladin.
Anyone else think he looks kinda like Captain Falcon?
This npc is kinda weird. I mean he is surrounded by wisps of light, he's levitating, he's in a section of the map named after him. He's on a raised platform, and there are Vargul Slayers, posted at the edges of that platform as if they are protecting him. All for what? The undead spirt of a paladin slain in the line of duty? Sad, yes, but there are worse fates to be suffered in the Warcaft universe.
I see I'm not the only one who is intrigued by this guy. I want to know more about him. And did anyone else notice that the platform he's standing on is roughly shaped like a cross?
I like to think he's a hero like Captain Bridenbrad, and that he doesnt need an explanation, he's just a hero and saved the lives of his friends. The Light probably wanted to honor it's hero, or maybe there was a scrapped quest for him in beta.
He died to save the people he cared about, is depicted as a holy figure, he is displayed on a cross, and is surrounded by thorns (crown of thorns).
I've been to church maybe 5 times in my life and noticed the resemblance... Cmon people.


text:
Slip Resistance Testing Standards in 2021
Sotter Engineering Corporation, Mission Viejo, CA USA
Please click on Slip Resistance Testing if you would like a slip test done on your flooring, either in our lab or in the field across the USA and beyond.
At present, the British pendulum slip/skid tester, the BOT-3000E, and Tortus tribometer are the most useful and reliable floor friction testers to aid in accident prevention. Each has its own appropriate safety standard(s), e.g. 36, 0.42, or 0.50 for a level floor. The information below discusses these slip resistance test instruments and slip test safety standards as well as some others that have been used. Safety Direct America can run slip resistance tests both in the lab or at your site with these instruments (and other test methods upon request), and can also sell you your own floor slip resistance test instruments.
The basics: to assess slip-related safety we need (1) a published, peer-reviewed slip resistance test method, and (2) a minimum numerical safety criterion for each individual test method, e.g. 36, 0.42, R12, 0.50, 0.60, etc. to apply to the slip test results. Anyone who claims that there is a "generic coefficient of friction value that is considered safe", such as 0.50, is completely misinformed and seemingly does not have a rudimentary understanding of physics or their stated field of "expertise". People spreading misinformation such as this are usually full-time American courtroom "experts" who specialize in manipulating the minds and decisions of juries, and they often leave internationally-accepted slip resistance science to others, as their job is to win lawsuits, not to assess real-world slip resistance for architects, building owners, and flooring manufacturers who need to know the truth. If a floor is likely to be lubricated with water, grease, etc. in use it needs to be safe (anti-slip or non-skid) under the expected conditions of use. Dry slip resistance is not an indicator of wet slip resistance — in fact they often vary inversely — so valid wet slip resistance testing of floors is often needed.
Slip Resistance Testing Standards and Safety Criteria
For slip resistance testing wet or dry
The American ASTM E303 slip resistance test standard (as well as many others around the world, such as BS 7976, EN 13036, AS/NZS 4586, CEN/TS 16165, SS 485, etc., etc.) defines the British pendulum tester that is now a national standard for measuring pedestrian floor slip resistance in at least 50 nations on five continents, and it has been endorsed by Ceramic Tile Institute of America since 2001. It is the most widely used and trusted pedestrian slip resistance test device worldwide. It has been in use now for over 50 years, which means its safety criterion is backed by 50 years of research into actual slip and fall accidents around the world. The most common safety standard using the pendulum for a level floor is a minimum Pendulum Test Value (PTV) of 36. The pendulum slip tester is also the basis of the Sustainable Slip Resistance test standard that has been specified by McDonalds Restaurants since 2006, which helps architects and designers see how slip resistance will be effected on a particular tile after a year or two of heavy traffic in use. This helps architects avoid installing a problem, or a tile that will become a problem after some heavy use or improper cleaning methods. Here is a video demo of the pendulum slip resistance tester.
Both hard and soft rubbers are specified for the pendulum, with soft rubber (TRL rubber) being used primarily for barefoot situations such as showers, bathroom floors, and swimming pool decks. The hard rubber is referred to as "Standard Shoe Sole Simulating" rubber, or Four S rubber.
Test results are usually quoted as Pendulum Test Values (or sometimes as BPN, which stands for British Pendulum Number) to avoid the confusion that results when different devices are used to give different values for coefficient of friction. Standards Australia HB 198:2014 gives detailed recommendations of minimum wet Pendulum Test Values (PTV) for many different situations: e.g. external ramps, 54; external walkways and pedestrian crossings, 45; shopping center food courts, 35; and elevator lobbies above external entry level may be 25 or less. There are also barefoot area recommendations based on pendulum tests with the softer rubber slider. The Australian recommendations, published in 1999 and expanded in 2014, are the world's most detailed and sophisticated standards for pedestrian wet slip resistance. They have now been used by cruise ship companies, major worldwide corporations, and endless other companies outside of Australia. The pendulum is easily the most widely trusted instrument in the world today for assessing real-world slip resistance to aid architects, building owners and flooring manufacturers avoid slip and fall accidents on their properties, and help create more slip resistant flooring products.
ANSI A137.1 and ANSI A326.3 are essentially for use of the BOT-3000E digital tribometer. These test methods can be run wet or dry. This device is not patented. It is presently made in the USA by a single manufacturer. Leather and other test foot materials are also available for this instrument. Both ANSI/NFSI B101.1 and ANSI/NFSI B101.3 have expired, and are therefore no longer considered valid standards. Do not be fooled by online misinformation. The manufacturer of the BOT-3000E used in these tests now enthusiastically discourages the use of both ANSI B101.3 and B101.1. Static coefficient of friction (SCOF) testing (such as in the expired ANSI/NFSI B101.1 and the withdrawn ASTM C1028) in the wet condition has long been known to produce nonsensical and misleading results by the international slip resistance testing community, and any American organization who ever promoted the use of these test methods were, at the time, either purposefully misleading their clients for their own financial gain, or profoundly incompetent in the field of floor slip resistance testing. In most cases, it was clearly the former. Whatever these organizations are selling now as "science" should be considered suspect. They have a long track record of misleading people on the issue of floor slip testing now, and their misinformation has no doubt led to countless deaths and horrific life-changing slip and fall accidents across the USA.
The BOT-3000E does perform a test without human input except for setup and the pressing of an electronic button, which helps eliminate user manipulation. The instrument includes many features that help in validating a test as to time, date of last calibration by the manufacturer, date and time of last verification by the user, date and time and location number of test run, as well as test foot (slider) used, etc. These features can help establish courtroom credibility. See a video demonstration of the BOT-3000E.
Both the BOT-3000E and the Tortus (see below) are capable of making significantly more slip tests per hour than the pendulum, making those instruments valuable for testing and/or comparing multiple areas of a large floor fairly quickly to see if slip resistance varies in different areas of the floor (highly trafficked areas, for example).
The 2012 International Building Code (but don't be fooled by the word "International" – it's mainly just used in North America) states that ceramic tile shall conform to the requirements of ANSI A137.1, the current version of which says that testing shall conform to a BOT-3000 dynamic coefficient of friction test. ANSI A137.1 states that tile expected to be walked on wet indoors shall have a minimum DCOF of 0.42. It's a "pass/fail" test, which is far from ideal, since a commercial kitchen would likely need much more slip resistance than a lobby. It does not provide a minimum DCOF for outdoor areas or ramps. However, the latest version of this test method (ANSI A326.3) also states that this test "can provide a useful comparison of tile surfaces, but it does not predict the likelihood a person will or will not slip on a tile surface." The official ANSI B101.3 test method, and its safety recommendations, were based on some limited slip and fall research in a laboratory under controlled conditions using numerous human subjects. The modified test outlined in ANSI A137.1/A326.3 apparently is not, and should therefore not be used exclusively to assess the slip risk of any flooring. Wildly misleading much higher-than-reality readings can usually be obtained on polished concrete with the BOT-3000E, for example. The BOT can be a useful tool in certain situations, but not for assessing the actual slip and fall potential of a floor. For that, we recommend the pendulum tester (see above). It's backed by 50 years of research all over the world.
SlipAlert (left) is a roller-coaster type tribometer that is designed to mimic the readings of the pendulum skid tester. It has been used for field testing, but is of limited utility in laboratory testing because it requires a long path length of flooring. It now has an official British standard for its use in the field – BS 8204-6:2008. Click here to see a SlipAlert Video Demonstration.
The Sigler Pendulum Tester is an older version of the modern British pendulum tester. The Sigler was invented in the mid-20th century by Percy Sigler of the U.S. National Bureau of Standards (now NIST). British workers modified Sigler's design to produce the modern pendulum skid tester (called the TRRL pendulum tester sometimes in the UK), which is for that reason sometimes known in the USA as the "British Pendulum." The Sigler pendulum is rarely used now because the modern pendulum exists. The Sigler is no longer commercially available, but a few survive.
The Tortus digital tribometer slip resistance test method is based on a proprietary or patented device, which makes it ineligible to become an ASTM standard. The Tortus has, however, been endorsed as a secondary standard by Ceramic Tile Institute of America (CTIOA) since 2001, with the British pendulum being the primary standard. The advantage of the Tortus, compared to the pendulum, is that it can perform many slip resistance tests in a short period of time, dry and wet, using both hard and soft rubbers. CTIOA has endorsed a minimum dynamic coefficient of friction for level floors of 0.50 using the Tortus slip resistance test method. In 2013, the Tortus III became an official part of the Australian floor slip test standard AS 4586-2013 where it is used as the primary instrument for making dry floor slip resistance readings. Here you can find a Tortus video demonstration.
The former ASTM F1677 applies to the Brungraber Mark II (also known as Portable Inclinable Articulated Strut Tribometer or PIAST) test device (pictured to the left). ASTM withdrew this standard in 2006 approximately one year after it was published, with no replacement. (It is still available from ASTM as a withdrawn or historical standard.) The reasons for withdrawal included poor precision in interlaboratory studies, which made it impossible to present a reasonable precision statement as required by ASTM. In other words, it's not science. It was very popular with expert witnesses, who can easily get whatever result a lawyer wants them to get by manipulating the instrument during the testing procedure. It has been replaced with another easily-manipulated version of the same instrument, the Mark IIIB.
The former ASTM F 1679 applied to the English XL Variable Incidence Tribometer (VIT), which according to its inventor William English was designed primarily for wet testing (pictured right). ASTM also withdrew this standard in 2006 with no replacement, shortly after it had been published. Again, the reasons included poor precision, which made it impossible to present an acceptable and reasonable precision statement as required by ASTM. In other words, the test method was hurriedly published by the expert witnesses in the ASTM F13 committee to help them win lawsuits in court, but after a year of not being able to provide any kind of reasonable precision statement proving that there was real science behind the test method they had quickly published, the ASTM was forced to withdraw this poor standard, which had been published with bad intent mainly by highly-paid full-time "expert" witnesses.
The English XL's actuating valve pressurizes the actuating cylinder with gas and drives the test foot onto the surface being tested. The now-withdrawn ASTM slip resistance test procedure required the operator to "fully depress the actuating valve for approximately 1/2 second". This valve is sensitive to the amount of force or speed used by the operator to depress it (no doubt a part of the precision problem), which raises the possibility that the operator can unwittingly (or wittingly) influence the result according to his or her preconceived notion of whether the floor is slippery or non-slip. If the user presses the button for 3/4 of a second, for instance, the result will likely be much better for the plaintiff. If it is depressed for 1/4 second, the result will be likely better for the defense lawyer. That is why this instrument is hugely popular with full-time professional American slip and fall court "experts." Getting data from the English XL and Mark IIIB into courtrooms outside of the USA has proven to be very difficult, if not impossible, due to the fact that these instruments do not have a peer-reviewed, published test method in any country on earth, and most countries outside of the USA seem to require "experts" to use real, peer-reviewed science in their testimony.
English XL and Brungraber Mark IIIB users often cite (in a desperate attempt to "prove" that their instrument has some sort of validity, despite not having a published test method) that their instrument passed the ASTM F2508-16e1 standard called the "Standard Practice for Validation, Calibration, and Certification of Walkway Tribometers Using Reference Surfaces". Although it is necessary for a tribometer to pass this test, it is not sufficient in validating a scientific slip test instrument. This standard was in fact created by American "expert" witnesses for the purpose of making their instruments, which have no published test method, appear "scientific" in their courtroom testimony. This test is often conducted and interpreted by people who have a vested interest in their tribometer having passed the test, and it should not be solely relied upon in deciding whether a slip test device (or tribometer) is trustworthy in predicting human traction. An internationally-accepted, reliable slip test instrument will have been found to correlate well with Variable-Angle ramp tests of human traction, have an official (not withdrawn) test method, and be able to provide a reasonable precision statement as required by all official standard-creating agencies in the world.
At present, there are exactly 195 countries on earth. If not one country has a published slip resistance test method for a particular slip test instrument, it's most likely because that instrument has not been found to be trustworthy, useful or scientific by the international slip resistance testing community. Many people around the world who test floors for slip resistance are interested in helping eliminate slip and fall accidents, but slip and fall lawsuits in the USA are BIG business, so the American "experts" involved full-time in courtroom testimony have gotten "creative" with the "instruments" they design and use, and somehow they have found ways to use these instruments in American courtrooms, despite the fact glaring lack of a peer-reviewed test standard for these instruments.
ASTM F2508 is based on a study that was conducted at the USC Medical Center, which asked tribometer owners to test four different surfaces and rank them in order of slip resistance. Then pedestrians walked on the same surfaces essentially blindfolded and the number of slips on each were recorded. The findings of this study were published in 2010. The only tribometers that were found to correctly rank the four samples in this study were the British pendulum and the Brungraber Mark II and Mark IIIB. However, the Brungraber devices are not capable of a "reasonable precision statement", which means every user of this instrument will get a much different answer on the same floor, making it an unreliable and unscientific instrument for measuring pedestrian slip resistance.
Users of the Brungraber Mark IIIB and English XL will cite that their instruments passed ASTM F2508, but the English XL passed it AFTER the initial study (when the correct answers had already been published), and failed it during the study (BEFORE the correct answers were published). The pendulum will always pass ASTM F2508, and here is just one published, peer-reviewed study showing it passes. The fact that ASTM E303 exists also shows that a reasonable precision statement has been presented for the pendulum in the USA.
The Mark IIIB did correctly identify the ranking of the four tiles in the study, but an experienced slip resistance test expert could also reasonably rank these four tiles with their eyes, since the four tiles differ in gloss levels and, therefore, apparent slip resistance. According to ASTM F2508, then, an expert's eyes, if they can correctly rank the four tiles in the correct order, would now be considered "valid scientific slip resistance test devices." Anyone who says F2508 "validates their instrument" is not being honest, or does not understand how science works. For example, a thermometer must get approximately the same temperature no matter who is using it to record temperature. ASTM F2508 ignores that fact. A thermometer can't simply rank ice water, pool water and jacuzzi water in the correct order of temperatures, and then be considered a scientific instrument without telling us what the temperatures of the three waters were. A valid thermometer must be able to give the correct temperature (within a degree or two) for each water. The F2508 cheerleaders and creators claim that their instruments can tell that ice water is colder than jacuzzi water (or, it can rank four tiles in order of slip resistance in one study), and that's all that matters. The truth be damned for these expert court liars.
ANSI A1264.2 is for Provision of Slip Resistance in the Workplace (2006). This standard is published by ANSI (American National Standards Institute) and references two ASTM standards that now no longer exist, as well as ASTM F609 (see below).
Usefulness of dry slip resistance testing
Dry slip testing can also be useful with or without wet testing. There are several reasons: (1) dry tests followed immediately by wet tests on the same floor can help demonstrate that the slip resistance test method is capable of measuring both high and low values on the subject flooring; (2) a floor may be dry and appear clean, but be slippery due to a thin film of contaminant, for instance grease in or near a restaurant kitchen or parking structure; (3) dry data can help diagnose problems such as furniture polish overspray, inadequate maintenance, airborne cooking fat that settles to the floor overnight, etc.; (4) a rare small spill on a normally dry floor might have occurred too recently for the defendant reasonably to have discovered it and cleaned it up; and (5) many claims of slips and falls are made that involve dry floors. The actual cause of the slip and fall might be footwear, substance abuse, illness, or many other factors unrelated to the floor. Dry testing — particularly before the alleged accident and on a periodic monitoring basis (traction auditing) — can help establish that the floor was safe (or anti-slip) when dry.
For dry slip resistance testing only
ASTM F609 applies to the Horizontal Pull Slipmeter (HPS), which was an early electrically-operated dragsled meter, and does not permit wet slip testing. The HPS is no longer commercially available. The method applies only to the HPS and not to any other device. If this instrument is no longer available, then why does this outdated test method still exist? The ASTM F13 committee that creates these standards in the USA is made up mostly of full-time courtroom "experts", and people who have an interest in helping American flooring manufacturers "prove" that none of their products are slippery, so American test methods over the years have been poorly written with little regard for science and research and have been almost always eventually withdrawn, left to die slow deaths due to disuse (as in the case of F609), or based on zero research and awaiting someone to recognize that fact and have the test method withdrawn.
ASTM F1678 has to do with the Portable Articulated Strut Tribometer (PAST) which is also known as the Brungraber Mark I. It is a static slip tester (essentially a portable version of the James Machine — see below) and because it suffers from a stiction problem it is not useful for wet testing. ASTM withdrew the standard in 2005. Yes, the methods for the Mark I and Mark II were both withdrawn. Instead of publishing a third test method for the newer Mark IIIB, its users have decided to pretend that ASTM F2508 "validates" their instrument, instead of trying to get yet another test method for the "Brungraber Mark" series of instruments published, and then soon thereafter withdrawn.
ASTM C1028-07 for the Horizontal Pull Dynamometer has now officially been withdrawn as a test method (in 2014) and was intended for quality assurance testing of ceramic tile in and out of the factory. Various American "councils", "institutes" and other "non-profit organizations" soon discovered that almost all tiles "passed" this test, and adopted it as their preferred floor slip resistance test for many years. These bad actors, acting as experts in floor slip resistance testing, sold test reports to American tile companies saying virtually none of their tiles sold in America were slippery. It was a very lucrative business for these "tile councils" and "safety institutes". Some of these bad actors have since admitted that it was a mistake to use this method, which was based on zero good research and no good science, and was no doubt the cause of thousands upon thousands of avoidable slip and fall accidents in the USA, many leading to death and life-changing injuries.
The C1028 test involved a 50-pound drag sled that is pulled by a hand-held force meter (dynamometer), and the static coefficient of friction (SCOF) was calculated from the horizontal and vertical forces. This method is not capable of assessing valid pedestrian safety under wet conditions. It was once cited by the U.S. Department of Justice Access Board as a potential test method for compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). The Access Board later withdrew this citation, and now provides no suggested test method or safety standard. Please see www.C1028.info for extensive detail and letters of confirmation from the Access Board. Despite the fact that the ADA never truly endorsed this test method, a great deal of confusion has resulted and misinformation abounds amongst flooring and construction professionals about this horrible test method. This dangerous misinformation was and is still spread by the aforementioned bad actors within the American slip resistance testing community. Take this into account when considering if their present advice on test methods is sound.
ASTM D2047 is the basis of the testing of floor "waxes" (floor finishes) for slip resistance under laboratory conditions. It involves the James Machine with a leather friction pad measuring static friction, and specifies that all testing must be performed dry. It is a laboratory machine that tests flooring samples and due to its design is not usable on an actual floor. Leather is not suitable for wet slip testing, as its properties change unpredictably and permanently when it becomes wet. So if you want to know if a floor is slippery when it's clean and dry, then this is a good test. Otherwise, the test is silly and worthless, but often used by flooring manufacturers since it will "pass" almost every floor created.
UL410 is an Underwriters Laboratories (UL) standard. It provides for rating of various materials and surfaces as "slip resistant." Materials or coatings may be listed by UL as slip-resistant if they achieve an index of 0.50 or higher on a James Machine with a dry three-inch-square leather pad. Again, the James Machine is measuring dry static COF, which is the measure of how slippery a floor is when someone is standing still on it while it's clean and dry. This is irrelevant to measuring pedestrian walking floor slip resistance. Because the test method uses a dry leather pad, it gives lower COF results than if a Neolite or rubber pad were used. Therefore the 0.50 safety criterion is not applicable to friction tests of any kind in which a non-leather pad is used. Unfortunately it has often been applied in this way, indicating that the floor complies with a safety standard when in fact it does not. UL410 is testing a floor that is clean and dry. There has likely never been a legitimate slip on a clean and dry floor in the history of the planet. It must be dusty or wet or greasy or have some sort of contaminant issue in order to be the cause of a slip. So why use this test? To help sell slippery flooring and mislead consumers, of course.
The Technical Products Model 80 is a static slip tester as well and therefore is not suitable for wet testing to assess anti-slip pedestrian safety. SCOF testing in wet conditions is now well-known as an unreliable way of assessing safety.
The American Slip Meter ASM 725 and 825A are also static friction testers, and therefore not suitable for wet testing to assess pedestrian safety. Slip testers such as these can, however, be somewhat useful in determining whether floor maintenance practices are affecting slip resistance over time by using it as a regular monitoring device on dry floors. Note that despite the similarity of the abbreviations, "ASM" is not related to ASTM, and the ASM 725/825A test method is not an ASTM standard.
The Bottom Line for the Property Owner
Those who suffer from slip-and-fall accidents are the accident victims, as well as their family members, and the property owners/managers who are often involuntarily the cause of the accident and must pay damages — either directly or through increased insurance premiums and additional policies written. Many other parties benefit financially from these accidents or sale of the slippery flooring that often causes the life-changing or life-ending falls: flooring vendors, hospitals, physicians, physical therapists, lawyers, expert witnesses, "safety institutes" and "tile councils", and (through increased premiums) property insurers. Having a valid method of assessing floor safety would therefore seem to be of most immediate value to property owners/managers and architects.
The United States OSHA has long recommended a minimum coefficient of friction (COF) of 0.50 for workplace safety without specifying how the COF is to be determined. This unfortunately is counterproductive and misinformed. Different slip resistance test methods give different results, particularly under wet conditions. Thus the same floor could have coefficients of friction of 0.4, 0.5, 0.6, or 0.7 (or anywhere in between) depending entirely on what test method was used. The OSHA recommendation is therefore meaningless, but has caused confusion for many years.
The slip resistance test devices that are valid for the appropriate purposes today are
Pendulum Tester for reliable dynamic COF testing wet and dry with hard and/or soft rubber sliders, outdoor area testing, barefoot area testing, Sustainable Slip Resistance Testing, and application of long-established detailed situation-specific standards (swimming pool deck, outdoor ramp, etc.)
BOT-3000E for cost-effective, rapid and automatically documented dry and wet indoor testing. The results should not, however, be used on their own for assessing actual slip risk. For that, you need pendulum testing.
Tortus for testing where pedestrians are not likely to be running, and where numerous wet and dry tests are needed with hard and/or soft rubber sliders.
No one of these slip resistance testers is capable of doing all the tasks that might be needed. However, the three slip test devices listed above allow the user ample capability for prevention and analysis of slip and fall accidents in almost any situation.
We here at Safety Direct America can slip test your flooring in our lab or on site, or sell you your own slip resistance tester. Feel free to contact us with any questions. Our knowledge and experience in the field of floor slip resistance testing is unmatched in the Americas.

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


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