text:
Suspending Judgement
Submitted by Ricky on Thu, 2018/09/06 - 9:00pm
General Audience (pg)
500 < Short Story < 7500 words
Mature / Thirty+
Tricked / Outsmarted
By Ricky
Sometimes our friend's judgement is for our own good
Have you ever had a week that just sucked?
Nah, that' a stupid question - of course you have. If you're reading this then you're not dead, so it's dead certain you've had a week that sucked long and hard and deep. Crappy boss, crappy customers, crappy bureaucratic rules, crappy car, crappy night staring at the ceiling, crappy crap. Take your pick or hit the jackpot and take all the above.
So this is where we find our little group of modern singles on a Friday after work, trying to explain how their crap is crappier than the crap the other person is living with. It makes for a lively discussion. We'll start with Maja, whose ancestors came from somewhere in Scandinavia. She's an office manager for a big financial firm. Those ancestors must have included a viking or two, who bequeathed her waves of blonde hair and a Rubenesque body. She's wearing a sharp looking skirted suit with more than a little cleavage showing but sensible flats as she knows she's going to be on her feet half the day chasing around putting out fires. She would look equally at home with a horned helmet and a shiny brass bra belting out some operatic lyrics.
Next to her is Josh, an engineer at a firm with a modern outlook and progressive policies. Tall and lean, he's wearing jeans and a polo shirt, has his long hair tied back in a warrior's tail and sports two rubies in his pierced ears. If he weren't wearing such a sour look - think what a really good sour dill from an old-fashioned NY deli could do - he'd be inspiring some hot and sweaty daydreams among the bar's female patrons.
If this were the opening scene of some insipid sitcom the camera would focus next on Yasuyo, a diminutive woman of Japanese extraction who toils by day in a tourism firm, providing interesting and exciting adventures for Japanese tourists, adventures she will never get to experience for herself. Fluent in her native Japanese, colloquial American English and, of all things, Farsi, she is far too intelligent to let herself be a character in an insipid sitcom. While she would certainly look wonderful in traditional Japanese dress, she contents herself with traditional American officewear, which leaves her male customers more than content and a few of her female customers wistful.
Lastly, we have Marcel the photographer. From the name you would think French, but it's a bit more complicated than that. His paternal grandfather left Senegal when the French granted it independence, his family not sure what would happen to them after the change. His dark skinned grandfather met his so-called white paternal grandmother in Pittsburgh. Life wasn't easy for either of them as a mixed couple, but when the Loving decision finally came around in 1967 they married and their children attained legal, if not cultural, legitimacy. Since both the grandparents loved the sound of French names, their children became Andre, Suzette, Chantal and Gérard. How four black kids with French names made it through the Pittsburgh schools in the sixties and early seventies is another story entirely.
Marcel's maternal grandparents were Jewish Freedom Riders who met and fell in love in Alabama during the turmoil of the sixties. His parents met at Princeton where they were both studying for advanced degrees.
Confused yet? I told you it was complicated. However, as is the American way of simplifying things to oblivion, if you looked at him you would think 'black man with a great body and an out-of-style Afro.' Never mind that three out of four of his grandparents were considered white; Marcel is categorized on sight as a black man, and a Jewish black man at that. By the way, that Afro makes it a pain to keep the Yarmulke on at temple.
So now you know who's sitting around that table littered with empty glasses on a warm summer's evening, we can listen in on their conversation. It's been going on for some time, so the more vociferous complaints have been aired and disposed of and Yasuyo is in the middle of a story.
"...and one of the tour buses in Yellowstone is having a problem. Of course every stinkin' one of the tourists on the bus has a smartphone and is Googling away when they lose signal halfway to the park. The damn place is in the middle of nowhere, how many cell towers are they going to put up for the bears and mountain lions, I ask you? So this tourist has just discovered that Yellowstone Park sits on top of the Yellowstone Supervolcano. Duh!
Well he gets excited, but when he tries to find out more he loses signal and immediately assumes the volcano has blown it's top and that's why he doesn't have instant data. Pretty soon he has the entire bus raving and the poor bus driver, who doesn't speak Japanese and hasn't a clue what's going on, has to pull over so the tour guide can explain that they are not going to drive into a pool of red-hot magma and all be instantly obliterated. See - pretty blue sky, no smoke, no lava, just bison and elk wandering around. It's been two freaking million years since the thing erupted, fer cryin' out loud!"
"Good thing nobody's thought to make a movie about that," commented Marcel, "though it would make some really cool video having magma boiling up in the middle of Yellowstone lake. The gas station would blow up nicely and think of all the roasted bison you could have for your picnic."
"Even better if you do it in winter," added the engineer Josh, "when you have all those tons of snow there to flash into live steam. Then you could have mega-boulders rolling off the mountains when they get unfrozen and squash the tourist bus flat just before the tourists get flash-fried. More humane that way."
"Will you guys cut that out! That's hardly the way to encourage tourism. I'll be out of a job and homeless!"
"You can move in with me," offered Marcel.
"Hey wait! I'm just getting started, guys. The rumbling of the earthquake scares a pack of wolves that goes after a herd of bison, thousands of 'em, and they stampede, which causes an avalanche that blocks a river that causes a flood that…"
"Enough with he disasters, already! This week has had enough disasters for the rest of the year."
"Do tell?"
"I'm telling, so shut up," replied Maja. "I've been hit with a plague of pregnancies. I have four women and two men taking pregnancy leave in the next couple of weeks."
"What the hell? Was there a bad batch of birth control pills on the market eight months ago?"
"Maybe something in the water at your place?"
"If there was, it didn't work on me," Maja snickered.
"No matter how much you drink you'd still need some help for that, Maja," laughed Yasuyo. "I bet you wouldn't have to go through the HR department to find a volunteer."
"Can you imagine the employment application for that job?"
"Name? Address? Years of experience? Length of…"
"Let's not be crude, people. I have enough pregnancy problems without being pregnant myself."
"Well, the offer's still open," replied Marcel.
"And you'd probably want to take pictures of the entire experience."
"Why not? Might be an art book in it."
"You try to make pictures of my privates public and you'll find yourself missing your own private parts."
"But if they get published they won't be private any more."
"Neither will yours when they're hanging off the antenna on the Freedom Tower."
"Whew! I'm safe! No way you would climb that pointy thing to hang my pointy thing."
"It wouldn't be pointy at that point, get my point?"
"I suppose she would have the balls to do it, even if she borrowed yours, Marcel."
"I'm going to have to cut you off if we don't change the subject, guys."
"I have not yet begun… to drink!"
"Then where did all those dead soldiers come from, Josh?"
"Maja, of course. She's a Maja drinker, you know."
"You aren't drunk enough to start slurring your words,yet, old buddy." snickered Maja.
"Then let's have another round."
"You order, then. Maja and I need to powder our noses." said Yasuyo.
"Yeah, right! That's an absurd circumlocution."
"He can't be that drunk if he got that one out. Let's go, Yasuyo."
With that the ladies departed.
"That doesn't sound like a bad idea to me, either Josh."
"What, powdering you nose?"
"Translated into men-speak that means I have to take a wicked piss."
I'd go with you, but I don't think men are allowed to go to piss in flocks."
"Hell, Josh, channel your inner woman and let it all hang out. I count far too many bottles to put it off much longer."
"If I were completely sober I would find some objection to that phrasing, but as I'm half pissed I shall accompany you and become unpissed."
"Good thing I'm half pissed, I actually understood what you just said."
"Hey Patel!" Josh called to the barman. "We'll be back in a minute for another round."
"...and then my idiot boss turns around and says 'Just stomp on the damn thing until it fits!' Is it any wonder I changed jobs?"
Believe me, you don't have to know the whole story, it was just barely funny enough that everybody laughed after a few beers. If you're sober there's no sense repeating the alleged joke.
When he got his breath back, Josh turned to Maja and said "Do you know that's about the thirty-seventh time you've pulled up you bra strap since you got here?"
Josh, being an engineer, didn't notice the looks that passed between Marcel and Yasuyo as he commented on Maja's bra strap. Yasuyo had an expression that could only be called triumphant on her face, and Maja was trying hard to keep her face straight..
"Perhaps that's because the stinking thing keeps falling down," she replied.
"Aren't they adjustable?"
"Trust an engineer to ask a question like that."
"Trust a management flunky to not answer the question."
"Of course they're adjustable, but some stupid and obviously male engineer designed my bra with the adjusters on the back. I'd have to remove it to do anything with it."
"That doesn't strike me as a totally objectionable thing to do," answered Marcel.
"See that bouncer over there?"
"He's kind of hard to miss."
"I think he might have objections to me doing a strip tease in his bar."
"I defy you to find a guy who would object to seeing you remove your bra."
"There are women present, too, horn-dog."
"Like me," tossed in Yasuyo. "Although I would be rather more apt to be jealous. If I took off my bra nobody would notice."
"Yasi, my sweet, I would certainly notice. And appreciate it immensely," replied Josh. "I just don't understand why people design things that are hard to adjust."
"Ah, Josh old man, it is all in the pursuit of beauty and fashion," replied Marcel. "Once upon a time bras used to have the sliders just above the cup so the woman could easily adjust them, but when thinner fabrics replaced those thick, iron-maiden cotton blouses the adjusters made these distracting little bumps that drew the male eye from the pleasant curve of the breast. Since women's fashions were long ago divorced common sense, the adjusters are on the back so horn-dogs like yourself could feast their eyes on the unobstructed arc of your favorite model's mammaries."
"That's easy for you to say. 'Model's mammaries. Model's mummaries. Model's mumm-ar-itz.' "
"Could you have the cooth to look somewhere besides my tits when you mumble stuff like that?" asked Maja.
"I've lost my cooth and don't know where to find it. Can I look at yours, Yasuyo?"
"I think we have already established that I have modest mammaries, so I suppose I could stand you staring at them. Most men do, anyway"
"Genetic programming. We wouldn't have babies if men didn't associate boobs with boinking."
"You're cut off, Josh. You may silently appreciate my attributes but don't say anything out loud."
"But…"
"You're talking, Josh. That's a no-no. One more word and you can find out what it's like to have a double-D cup bouncing around in front of your body."
"I like having your double-D cup bouncing around in front of my body!"
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant was warned. He was given an explanation. Nevertheless, he persisted, knowing full well the penalty for disobedience. Have you anything to say before sentence is passed?"
"Have you been admitted to the bar, councilor?"
"Of course! Who do you think bought the last round? Patel took my money and gave me the drinks right there at the bar"
"You should try for an Australian accent, Maja. More suitable to a kangaroo court."
"Irrelevant, immaterial and annoying. The defendant shall be fitted with an electronic tracking brassiere with double-D cups and suitable lead filling until such time as he rediscovers his couth or his bra straps stretch to his knees. Case dismissed!"
"An electronic tracking brassiere? My, my! Homeland's research labs must have outdone themselves."
"Really. I was just reading about it. They really are making electronic bras."
"So Radio Shack has a lingerie department now?" queried Yasuyo.
"Nah," replied Josh. "Radio shack went belly up a while back."
"Don't tell me Victoria's Secret is hawking cell phones!"
"That would be Victoria's CIA-cret. Think of all the politicians you could compromise with an electronic bra that transmits everything to a clandestine receiver."
"Can it do video? I'm still waiting to see The Donald's pee tape."
"You'd have to ask Vladimir."
"How did we end up on politics when we were discussing Josh in a bra?"
"Diversionary tactics - essential to any political discussion."
"We were discussing the seeming need for men to stare at large breasts."
"And that ain't part of politics? You'd better give Stormy Daniels a call for clarification."
"Objection! The defendant is using diversionary tactics again," exclaimed Yasuyo.
"And you do you intend to implement this sentence? The Mall would be closed before we could get there."
"Academy is open until ten. We could get him a sports bra and then go over to the fishing supplies and stock up on lead sinkers. Maybe even a fishnet to wrap the little suckers in."
"Creative thinking, but not what I had in mind. I want him to know what it's like to have these babies bouncing around on his body, not squashed in place."
"Neither of us could loan him anything that would fit, although we could snap two of mine together and they might wrap around your manly chest," Yasuyo said.
"And then I could join the sideshow. 'See the man with four - count 'em! - four modest mammaries. Poke his nipples and see if…' Ouch!"
"You are doing a miserable job in discovering your couth. The court appends the sentence to include a garter belt and hose." ruled Maja.
"Now just a minute!"
"Some people just won't learn. Make that with three inch heels."
Josh was finally getting the message. He kept his mouth shut but, in true engineering fashion, replied with a primitive form of digital communication.
"Ladies - and proto-lady," Marcel offered, "I may have a solution to your conundrum. I've been shooting the new catalog for a line of full-figure fashions. We could adjourn to my studio and I might be able to supply your needs."
"I don't have no stinkin' needs, Marcel."
"How soon they forget. Four inch heels. Shut up and pay the tab."
Josh did remember to only reply digitally this time.
Our intrepid foursome is far too young to remember WWII directly, but there was a scene in a popular cartoon of the era where a group of inebriated men - naturally in top hat and tails - wobble down the street clutching each other for support while singing How Dry I Am in harmonies that would make a Welsh men's chorus proud. These were the spiritual ancestors of our quartet, never mind that the song they attempted to sing was Beyonce's Drunk on Love and the harmony was far from perfect.
Fortunately for the ears of those they passed, Marcel's studio was only a few blocks away. The restored warehouse offered what passed for reasonable rent in New York City, but would be considered scandalous in any other place. Marcel, who was quite successful at his trade, lived in a small attached apartment and had plenty of room for his business. At the moment that business included several racks of fashions for the previously mentioned women's clothing catalog, plus various lights, props and do-dads necessary to creating the proper feeling in a photograph.
As our heroes were milling about, Josh spotted a rack of swimwear.
"That is one ugly swimsuit, Marcel old buddy. What? No bikinis?"
"I told you this was a shoot for queen size customers. For them Bikini is an island in the middle of the ocean."
"You'd look cute in that red-and-white striped number, Josh," offered Maja.
"May a shark bite your tongue, woman."
"He's be more likely to go after your dangly-bits."
"Speaking of dangly-bits," piped up Yasuyo, "it would be pretty hard to hide them if Josh wore this little number."
"Where's that shark when you need him?"
"Shark-schmark. I like my dangly-bits."
"There are ways to hide them safely, Josh. Don't worry your pretty little head about it." snickered Marcel.
"And how would you know?"
"Professional expertise. My clients include quite a few men who wish they were women - at least part of the time."
"Sounds like we came to the right place, eh Josh?" snickered Maja.
"I don't think I'm drunk enough to do this, guys." muttered Josh.
"Are you too drunk to shave?" asked Marcel.
"Huh?"
"Most of my trans clients like to start off with a good, close shave. There are disposable razors in the john."
"Want some help, Josh?" queried Yasuyo.
"Suddenly you've become a Geisha?"
"You have a kimono in all this stuff, Marcel?"
"Sadly, no. There is a sweet Chinese style red dress, but you aren't Chinese you and aren't queen-size."
"Yeah. Everyone tells me I'm cute. A girl can get sick of being cute."
"Maybe some of it will rub off on me," grumped Josh.
''I'll be the judge of that," grinned Maja.
"You're very judgemental tonight, your honor."
"It's one of my most endearing traits. Off you go and shave close. Be sure those pecs are clean of any fuzz. Oh, and you'll need these."
"Panties?"
"Boxers and bras don't mix."
"I'll have you know I prefer briefs."
"The court recognizes your briefs. Now off with you!"
As they went off to shave, Marcel turned to Maja.
"My dear, I had no idea how we were going to pull this off, but your Judge routine was inspired!"
"I'm rather proud of how I did it, myself. The poor sucker doesn't suspect a thing, does he?" remarked Maja.
"He certainly doesn't know what Yasi is plotting."
"No way. Josh is a sweet guy, but clueless when it comes to women. That night we had those drag queens came in was revealing. One look at Josh and anyone but an engineer could see the desire on his face."
"Sure it wasn't desire for the drag queen and not the desire to be a drag queen?"
"It was wistful desire and not sexy desire. Besides, there have been times when I spotted the residue of nail polish on his cuticles. You, on the other hand, are all sexy desire."
"You need to quit your job and go into the psychic business. I'd deny the whole thing but it wouldn't do me any good, would it?"
"You know the penalties for lying to a judge."
"Care to go into detail? I might be fun…"
"Not now, tiger. We have a scam to pull on our friend, who hasn't got a clue we know what we know."
"It's hard to tell with Josh. As long as he thinks it's fun then we go with it."
"That's good. Let's keep it fun, OK?"
"You've done this before, haven't you." asked Maja.
"A time or two."
"And is it fun for you?"
"More fun than the proverbial barrel of monkeys."
"Is that politically correct?"
"About as politically correct as a black man in a dress."
"That is a picture of you in the waiting room?"
"You have sharp eyes."
"Sharp enough to see what the two of you were thinking when those drag queens came into the bar."
"I try hard to present as a normal woman, not a black Jewish drag queen. Some things are a bit much to take."
"One of these days we'll have to go on a date."
"One thing at a time. Let's get Josh comfortable sharing his feminine side before we hit him with my feminine side," Marcel replied.
"Who said anything about Josh coming along?"
"Oh… Let me think about that. Marcie doesn't go out in public much."
"They're coming back - we'll talk about this later."
"Your honor, it has come to my attention that I was not properly represented in this evening's proceedings. May I pray the court to suspend sentence until I can engage proper representation?"
"What? The whole thing started because you had to keep carping about how inefficiently my boobs were suspended. We are now about to suspend your boobs - or a reasonable facsimile - which was your sentence in the first place," grinned Maja.
"May it please the court? I don't have any boobs," whined Josh.
"Your honor, may I present an amicus brief?" Marcel queried.
"Some friend you are," muttered Josh.
"Order in the court! You are recognized, my friend."
"As a full service photographer to many trans clients, I can provide your reasonable facsimiles in a range of sizes."
"God! With friends like you…"
"... You'll experience firsthand the joys of adjusting bra straps."
"I want to watch!" cooed Yasuyo. "Sometimes a girl like me could wish for a little more zoom in the bosom."
"Only if I get to watch you."
"That may have to wait for later, Yasi. Right now I'm only equipped for queen size people." Marcel replied.
"Darn!" grumped Josh.
"Then I want a copy of the glamour shot when you get done with Josh."
"That could be arranged."
"Like hell!" moaned Josh.
"Enough yacking!" ruled Maja. "Carry out the sentence already!"
"Double-D if I remember the judge's wishes?"
"You got anything bigger?"
"Wait a minute!" Josh was laughing. "I thought men were the ones supposed to be hooked on big bazoobas."
"The bazoobas are going on a man, right. What's the problem?"
"My supply of bras in sizes bigger than double-D is rather thin. The catalog people want you to look at the dress, not the bazoobas. What size bra do you wear, Josh?"
"How the hell do I know?"
"I know I have a tape measure around here somewhere." Once again there was a unexplained look of triumph on Yasi's face. "Ah, here it is. Just breathe normally, my good man."
"That's cold!"
"Just wait until the falsies hit your pecs. They'll warm up in a minute but at first…"
"Oh joy! Why am I letting you do this?"
"Because you're half-drunk," Yasuyo snickered, "And I think it's cute."
"Well, as long as you think it's cute who am I to complain?"
"You're a 40DD, just like Dolly Parton. Remember that for the next time."
"Like there's going to be a next time!"
"While you're drying, I dug out a picture from my files. It could be worse, Josh, we could be doing this a hundred years ago before they invented modern materials. Look at what passed for a cup adjuster back then."
"Jesus! That's a big as a golf ball!" marveled Josh.
"More like a moth ball, but you had to wear a lot of layers to cover stuff like that up."
Good thing we have some modern blouses and dresses available, eh?"
"Oh, I am just so lucky," came his flat response.
"You want a bra with blue paisley or some sweet little violets?"
"You have got to be kidding!"
"Hey, women just love sexy underwear and merchants can sell a lot more of the stuff if it isn't plain, boring old white."
"If that's true, then I think Maja should show me her bra so I can test the hypothesis."
"Josh, I know damn well you can see my bra through this blouse. Why do you think I wore it?"
"Seductress! I can see pink somethings, but I don't quite know what they are."
"Roses, my boy. Watch out for the thorns."
"I think the hypothesis is proved, Josh." Yasuyo said. "See - little green diamonds." Yasuyo obligingly lifted her blouse to reveal her bra.
"See Maja, Josh gloated. "Some people are more cooperative than others."
"And some people are putting off putting on their bra. Make your choice."
"The violets. Paisley went out with my grandparents."
"So, Ms Engineer, I propose you take the adjusters all the way out as you likely have broader shoulders than most women would. If that's too far I'm sure Yasuyo would be glad to help."
"I have no doubt of it, but the whole idea is making you do this by yourself," replied Judge Maja in stern tones.
"That brings up another question," replied Josh. "Why do these things have to snap in the back? Front closures would be more convenient."
"So they are, but if your intent is to let some hornydog stare clear down to your navel while you are seducing him, a front closure is too frickin' big."
"I see…"
"Not tonight, you won't!"
"Any other takers? Yasuyo?"
"You show me yours and I'll show you mine."
"Now that's evenhanded justice for you!"
"You're still stalling."
"OK, I hear and obey, master."
With that Josh slid his hands into the bra and fumbled it closed.
"How do the straps feel? Marcel asked.
"Weird."
"Besides weird, are they binding?"
"I don't think so."
"Good, now take it off."
"What? I just got the damn thing on!"
"I knew you'd like wearing a bra," snickered Maja."
"What the hell? You think I'm going to get hooked on the first hit? Damn druglord!"
"You did pretty well with the hooks for a newbie, but you gotta have your boob job before it has anything to support."
"I damn well hope you don't have a surgical suite among your props, Marcel."
"Nah, I'll just use a kitchen knife and my emergency sewing kit. One must have an emergency sewing kit to cope with wardrobe malfunctions in this business."
"My insurance requires pre-approval for surgical procedures and I'm afraid I don't approve."
"Such a shame. I was hoping to open a new sideline for the business. In that case, lay back and we'll do something a little less radical."
"Less radical than turning me into a woman?"
"Considering where you started," Maja offered, "It looks like a distinct improvement."
"I question your judgement, Judge."
"Who cares? Marcel, apply the sentence."
"This is going to tickle a bit, Josh, but keep still or you'll get glue in places where glue shouldn't be applied."
"I'm not ticklish."
"Just my luck."
Marcel again used his tape measure and made a few discrete dots on Josh's body, then brushed on some surgical glue.
"Not bad so far, but a bit chilly." Josh said. Those things look positively obscene."
Marcel was applying glue to two large prosthetic breasts.
"Just wait until you're wearing them, Dolly. Maybe we can call you Jolene when you're finished." With that Marcel carefully placed the first quivering silicone mound.
"Aaarghh! That's cold!" cried Josh.
"Wimp! Here comes the other one."
"Aaarghh!"
"Now lay still for a few minutes while the glue sets. They'll warm up and feel almost like part of your body."
"That easy for you to say. You're not being quick frozen."
"Nothing quick about it, old buddy. That glue is good for a week or more."
"You wouldn't want to have your boob fall off at the wrong time, would you?"
"Is there a right time to have a boob fall off?" asked Yasuyo.
"An existential question if I ever heard one!"
"These things are stuck on me for a week?"
"After all," grinned Maja, "mine have been stuck on me for considerably more than a week."
"Could I point out a fundamental flaw in your reasoning, Maja?"
"Me? Flawed reasoning? Nonsense!"
"I couldn't think of a better way to describe this whole evening. Nonsense works perfectly." Josh had a very bemused look on his face. "I might remind you that males do not generally come equipped with breasts. Especially not double-D honkers. I do have to turn up for work on Monday."
"Now won't that be exciting. Can I come along and watch what happens?"
"Only if you're willing to adopt me when I get canned."
"I suppose we could share my wardrobe until you got a job at some tawdry sex shop where your boobs would be a real draw. Then you can start buying your own dresses."
"OK Marcel, how do I get these things off?"
"Off? I just put them on, I have no idea how to get them off. You've wasted enough time with your silly questions that the glue has set. Put on your bra and we'll see how you look."
As Josh sat up he exclaimed "Jesus! These things are heavy!"
"Bounce 'em around a bit and see how they feel."
"Maja, you are going to pay for this someday!"
"Need any help adjusting the straps, old man?"
"I am not old! Ummm. Do I have them right?"
"A little tighter, I think," Yasuyo offered. "Here, let me help."
"Thanks." Josh wiggled around a bit. "That feels much better."
"We need to do something with your hair."
"Nothing permanent!"
"We don't have time to give you a permanent, but we do have a curling iron. Some nice loose curls, I think."
"Sounds good," opined Marcel. I'll plug in the torture stick while you do the makeup, Maja."
"Hey - I want to do her makeup," exclaimed Yasuyo."
"Be my guest. A nighttime party look, after all these are glamour shots."
"Right. Come over here, Jocelyn."
"Jocelyn?"
"When I get done with you there won't be anyone going to call you Josh. Consider this your naming ceremony."
"Be careful there, Yasuyo, Marcel said. "In my tradition a naming ceremony for a male is usually part of a bris."
"Then good thing Jocelyn is a girl tonight."
"Damn right. Boobs are one thing, sharp hardware near my whatsis is quite another."
"Don't worry, Jocelyn, your whatsis is safe with me. You never can tell when a girl might need to borrow a whatsis."
"Just like you never can tell when a guy might need to borrow a bra and breasts, I guess."
"Keep your mouth shut while I'm working on you or you'll look like a clown."
"As if I could not look like a clown wearing a dress and makeup."
"Not to demean your possession of a whatsis, but you have a rather androgynous face. You're going to look just fine."
"Even with a few beers in me I have a hard time believing that."
"I said stop talking!"
"Mmmphh."
"OK Marcel, she's ready for the torture device."
"Were torture devices were part of this so-called sentence?" moaned Jocelyn
"Now Jocelyn, I want you to think back to your misspent youth," commanded Maja.
"I think I spent my youth very well, thank you."
"Perhaps, but I think I can rightly assume from you fascination with bras that you spent some of your youth perusing a catalog or two looking at ladies in their underwear."
"Didn't everybody?"
"I suppose so, but in my case I was dreaming of wearing it while you were dreaming of taking it off somebody."
"Uh, maybe… So this whole silly thing is because you wanted to wear sexy underwear?"
"Don't change the subject. I'm sure you drooled over the women in corsets on those pages."
"Would it do me any good to deny it?"
"Not one little, teeny bit! Thus we come to the torture device. Is the corset ready, Marcel?"
"Padded and ready, Madame Judge."
"Now just a minute!" moaned Jocelyn as she jumped to her feet.
"Don't you love the way her tits bobble when she moves fast, Yasuyo?"
"It does have a certain fascination. Maybe a boob job would be worth it to find out what it feels like from the inside."
"Believe me, men get a lot more charge out of it than the owner of the tits," Maja said.
"Look guys, wearing a bra is one thing - it actually feels pretty comfortable - but that corset looks distinctly uncomfortable!"
"Which is why very few women wear the damn things unless they are seducing some misbegotten man. However, in your case you need a little help to get your body to curve in the right places and a padded corset is just the ticket."
"And you just happened to have one lying around that would fit me?"
"Several, old girl. Even queen size women want to look sexy for their men. However, I'd be willing to bet most of them don't wear them any longer than it takes to get naked for their prospective bed partner."
"Some poor sucker would get a hell of a surprise if he managed to get that corset off of me, wouldn't they?"
"So keep it on, we'll all feel a lot more comfortable."
After some few minutes of poking, prodding and adjusting Jocelyn had a reasonable set of feminine curves. Her complaints dropped off, but that may have more to do with being unable to breathe rather than enjoying the experience.
"I think this little number suits you," offered Maja. "Here, put it on."
"You've got to be kidding!"
"You have something against gold lamé?"
"I am not a sex symbol, fer cryin' out loud!"
"Josh honey," cooed Yasuyo, "you are one of the sexiest men alive."
"Yeah, sure! Give me a gold lamé jockstrap, but sexy men don't wear gold lamé dresses."
"At this point you're well on your way to being one very sexy woman."
"Oh joy and rapture," said Josh in a very flat voice.
"Yeah, I can see just how much you hate it."
"I feel pretty stupid getting dressed with all of you staring at me."
"Yeah, it's usually when a woman gets undressed that people stare at her."
"Want to give it a try, Maja?" queried Jocelyn.
It's your night to shine, honey, not mine."
"Darn!" grumped Marcel.
"Can we get this over with before I pass out from lack of oxygen?"
"I believe Yasuyo was going to do her makeup?"
"With what you've got in this place I could turn a rag doll into an angel," replied Yasuyo.
"Damn! I'm going to be a transgendered angel! The Lord works in mysterious ways."
"Where I come from the Lord Buddha doesn't do shit like this," scolded Yasuyo.
"And we wouldn't be doing shit like this if we weren't shitfaced. I'm starting to worry about how these pictures will come out if the photographer is half in the bag."
"As long as it's his equipment bag, it should work out fine. If you don't like them we can always do it over tomorrow night," grinned Maja.
"Threats! More threats she gives me."
"Get your pretty little ass in that chair and let the painting begin."
"I'll have you know my ass has never been pretty and with all this damn padding it can't be considered little."
"And if it wasn't so thoroughly padded I'd pinch the damn thing to get you moving."
Jocelyn moved with all the alacrity available to her in her somewhat inebriated state. Truth to tell, the whole thing had taken so long that the effects of the alcohol were starting to wear off our intrepid quartet. This was the proverbial good thing as a shaking hand was not really suited to a respectable makeup job.
In fact, by the time Jocelyn was pronounced ready, the gang was almost sober.
"You ever done any modeling, Jocelyn?" queried Maurice.
"Does posing for my high school graduation shot count?"
"Only if you're a Transylvanian Count - uh - noblewoman."
"Bloody good I'm not then. Sorry, but the only posing I've done resulted in a strip of four blurry sepia prints at the state fair."
"I can work with that grin, Jocelyn. It's rather endearing, actually."
"Uh, Maja - I know I'm going to regret this, but my left bra strap is slipping."
"My, my! What a problem! The usual solution is to insert a finger under the strap and slide upwards until it goes back into place."
"I'll insert my finger into…"
"Jocelyn! Remember you're a lady now. Keep your thoughts pure and clean."
"Jocelyn," offered Yasuko, "I won't insist on being a lady, but I might be interested in that finger under the right circumstances."
"Do you always get horny when you get drunk?"
"Depends…"
"On what?"
"If you're dressed for the occasion."
"You have got to be kidding me!"
"Excuse me," interrupted Marcel, "but we came her to take some pictures."
"I bet you'd find quite a market if you shot them doing what Yasuyo has in mind," offered Maja.
"Sorry, but the clothes are on loan; that kind of thing can get messy and I don't want to explain stains and such."
"Want to go shopping, Jocelyn?"
"It's twelve-thirty in the morning, fer cryin' out loud! I should be taking my clothes off about now, not shopping for new ones."
"They don't come off until we get pictures, my friend. Your bra strap is slipping again."
"Then somebody adjust the misbegotten dohicky on the strap for me so we can get this over!"
"My pleasure," answered Maja. "I have some experience in the field."
"As will I, if these boobs are really glued to my body."
"You will be wise in the ways of women by the end of the weekend, old girl."
"Old! That's a base canard if I… That tickles!"
"I thought you said you weren't ticklish. There, you should be hanging evenly now."
"Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro…" sang Jocelyn."
"Americans are a very strange breed, aren't they Marcel?" asked Yasuyo.
"Don't ask me - I'm one of them and that ditty was normal when I grew up."
"You grew up? Will wonders never cease?"
Enough! Jocelyn, sit over there and relax. Smile. Project your love of all things feminine."
With that, Marcel the slightly drunk conspirator became Marcel the professional photographer. I'm sure you've read many detailed descriptions of just how a photo session works, so I'll leave it to your imagination as Jocelyn became more relaxed and comfortable with her new appendages.
Two hours later everybody was yawning and it was obvious that the session was over.
"OK people, you've had your fun. I'll even admit I've had some fun, but this corset is killing me. I can see just why real women don't wear them for anything but getting a man drooling. I'll even bet the woman is even more eager to get the damn thing off her body than the man is. I'm ready for bed, friends."
With that Jocelyn performed an impromptu striptease and dropped the dress she was wearing. "Who's going to unlace this thing for me?"
"Who indeed?" snickered Maja."
"Poor little girl," laughed Yasuyo. "I suppose I could help - if you promise to be a good girl for me."
"I'm too new at this girl stuff to promise to be good at it."
"Then I'll settle for a promise to be downright naughty when we get home."
"We?"
"I do believe your roommate would be a bit surprised if Jocelyn came home and used your bed. You can't remove the glue until we let you." With that she gave Jocelyn's falsie a little finger bump and watched it wiggle.
"And you expect me to walk on the public thoroughfares looking like this?"
"Just put on one of those dashikis or moo-moos or whatever you call those brightly colored circus tents on the rack over there. No one will see your figure - or lack of one. You'd better put on a bra first, though."
"Jeez - I feel so much like a woman having to decide which bra to wear."
"The one with the little green diamonds. I got it just for you so you'd match me." Yasuyo said with a straight face as she once again lifted her blouse a few inches."
"You… got… it.. just… for… me?
"Yup."
"How'd you know my size?"
"You're an engineer. The label on your shirt is sticking out of the neck half the time. All I had to do was read it. You damned engineers have to be hit over the head to realize when you're being seduced. I've been hinting for months and you just didn't get it!"
"What the hell kind of romance novels have you been reading? You seduce me by making me wear a bra and sticking great lumps of wiggly jelly on my pecs? Weird!"
"I have a few of my own kinks, sweetheart. When I saw how your tongue hung out when the drag queens came into the bar a while back I knew you wouldn't object too strenuously."
"I'm not sure I want to be in bed with a mind reader."
"I don't intend to read your mind - just your body. In braille!"
"Marcel? Can I borrow a couple of things to wear over the weekend? A girl needs to be prepared for whatever will happen."
‹ Revenge of the Goddess up The Bell Curve ›
Snappy writing and fun
Submitted by Donna T on Thu, 2018/09/06 - 9:48pm
Snappy writing and fun repartee. Pretty clever. Is this a 'one and done' effort or will you explore further?
"A girl needs to be prepared for whatever will happen."
Submitted by dorothycolleen on Fri, 2018/09/07 - 12:00am
very fun little story!
Submitted by Ray Drouillard on Fri, 2018/09/07 - 11:34am
Methinks the lady doth... Well, maybe not.
A Deal with the Devil
The Fourth Countess
The Missing Lover
A Different Kind of Dressing
A Santa Fantasy
An Accidental Meeting
Aunt Arethusa's Legacy
Blinding Revelations
Blooming Under the Rose
Buck Day
Columns from Crosstalk Magazine
Girlzilla
Grandma, Sister and the Bear
It All Started In A Bra In New Orleans
Just Another Genie Story
My Obsession
Ninety Nine Weeks
Play It Like A Girl
Reprogramming Your Life
Revenge of the Goddess
The Bell Curve
The Colonial Belle
The Dress Code
The Magic Number


text:
Q: UITableView Prevent delegate method for subclasses All my UIViewController's are inherited from one ViewController, and the base viewController has a UITableView as follows:
BaseViewController.h
@interface BaseViewController : UIViewController<UITableViewDelegate,UITableViewDataSource>

@property (nonatomic, retain) UITableView *menuTableView;

BaseViewController.m
- (void)viewDidLoad

{
_menuTableView =  [[UITableView alloc] initWithFrame:CGRectMake(.......];
_menuTableView.delegate = self;
_menuTableView.dataSource = self;
}
- (NSInteger)numberOfSectionsInTableView:(UITableView *)tableView;
- (NSInteger)tableView:(UITableView *)tableView numberOfRowsInSection:(NSInteger)section; ... ETC

and In my other viewController:
SPViewController.h
@interface SPViewController : BaseViewController <UITableViewDataSource,UITableViewDelegate>{

    UITableView *myTableView;
}

SPViewController.m
- (void)viewDidLoad

{
myTableView =  [[UITableView alloc] initWithFrame:CGRectMake(.......];
myTableView.delegate = self;
myTableView.dataSource = self;
}
- (NSInteger)numberOfSectionsInTableView:(UITableView *)tableView;
- (NSInteger)tableView:(UITableView *)tableView numberOfRowsInSection:(NSInteger)section; ... ETC

Every time i reach the secant UITableView, i found that the first (_menuTableView) ones data and values and height and action ... etc, is the same as the second one (myTableView).
How to prevent the UITableView in the class that every other class is inherited form it from calling the subclasses delegate methods?

A: You can't, that's the way OOP works.
You subclass needs to know that the superclass may be calling with a different table view. It should use an if statement to check the tableView passed to the delegate methods and then either call super (and do nothing itself) or run its own logic.

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaStackExchange


text:
Afghan killings, body parts at center of inquiry
Spc. Jeremy Morlock, in videotaped interviews with Army investigators, described a plot led by Staff Sgt. Calvin Gibbs to randomly kill Afghan civilians.U.S. Army via AP
Sept. 27, 2010, 2:58 PM UTC / Source: msnbc.com news services
A soldier's videotaped statements describing how he and his colleagues randomly killed three Afghan civilians came under scrutiny Monday at a hearing into one of the most serious war-crimes cases from the war in Afghanistan.
Cpl. Jeremy Morlock of Wasilla, Alaska, is among five Stryker soldiers charged with premeditated murder and conspiracy to commit premeditated murder. In interviews with Army investigators, he described a plot led by Staff Sgt. Calvin Gibbs to randomly kill civilians for sport while on patrol in Kandahar Province.
Prosecutors have also alleged that members of the platoon mutilated Afghan corpses and even collected fingers and other body parts, and that some posed for photos with Afghan corpses. Morlock talked about how they threw a grenade at a civilian to "wax him."
Morlock's attorneys are seeking to suppress the statements, saying they were made under the influence of muscle relaxants, sleeping pills and anti-nausea medicine prescribed for repeat concussions suffered during war. Morlock was being evacuated from Afghanistan for apparent traumatic brain injury when he was questioned in May.
They also blasted Army doctors and U.S. policy in a news conference, saying they didn't understand how a cornucopia of drugs could possibly render a brain-damaged soldier battle-ready. Morlock sustained his first concussion from a roadside bomb last November, and that's when the first drugs were prescribed, they said.
"This lad was all juiced up and it was by Army doctors," said attorney Geoffrey Nathan. "Why didn't they just recall him?"
Army Special Agent Anderson D. Wagner testified that Morlock was articulate during the interviews and that his account was corroborated by others in the unit. The hearing will determine whether the case proceeds to a court martial; Morlock and the others could face the death penalty if convicted.
"He made good eye contact. He was able to recount events that happened several months ago," Wagner said by audio feed from Kandahar.
Prosecutors listed 18 witnesses for Monday's hearing. Fourteen of them asserted their right to remain silent, including other defendants and 1st Lt. Roman G. Ligsay, who has been removed as leader of the platoon but is not charged.
Morlock's lawyers conceded they don't know specifically what drugs Morlock was taking at the time of the killings. Hashish smoking was rampant in the unit, and in some cases it may have been laced with opium, they said. The silence of other witnesses makes it hard for them to verify what drugs, prescribed or not, Morlock might have been on at the time of the killings, they said.
Portions of Morlock's interviews were aired by ABC News, and The Associated Press has reviewed statements he made under oath in which he claimed Gibbs — the highest ranking soldier accused — planned "scenarios" during which they could kill civilians. For example, Morlock said, if they came across someone in a village that had previously been flagged as having Taliban influence, they could toss a grenade at the civilian and claim they had been responding to a threat.
Gibbs also illicitly collected "drop weapons" that could be placed by the bodies to make them appear to be combatants, Morlock and others said.
"Gibbs had pure hatred for all Afghanis and constantly referred to them as savages," Morlock said in the statement reviewed by the AP. "Sometime after Christmas 2009, Gibbs gave me a (fragmentary) grenade and told me that if the situation presented itself that we should go ahead and run with the grenade scenario that he had briefed to us."
A few weeks later, in January, the first of the killings was carried out, followed by one in February and one in early May. In each, prosecutors say, Morlock and Gibbs enlisted one other soldier to be involved. Lawyers for those three say they either deny involvement or that their participation was unwitting.
Gibbs' attorney says all three killings were "appropriate engagements."
Worse than Abu Ghraib?
The case of Morlock and his co-defendants could become the grimmest investigation of alleged atrocities by U.S. military personnel during almost nine years of war in Afghanistan.
Reports of grisly photos of Afghan bodies being posed for photos by American troops could be among the more inflammatory revelations to emerge from the case, echoing worldwide outrage stirred by pictures of nude Iraqi prisoners of war taken by U.S. military personnel at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq.
The photos referred to in the charging documents "have not been released ... as yet to the public," Army spokeswoman Maj. Kathleen Turner said Sunday.
The case raised serious questions about the Army's handling of the case. Spc. Adam Winfield, who is charged in the final killing, sent troubled Facebook messages home to his parents in Florida after the first killing. He wrote that he was being threatened to keep his mouth shut about it and that he didn't know what to do.
His father made nearly half a dozen calls to military officials that day, and he said he warned them about the ongoing plot and the threats against his son.
But no suspects were arrested until May, when a witness in a drug case in the unit alerted investigators to what he considered unjustified killings.
Morlock was the first of five soldiers initially charged in June with the murders. Seven others have been charged since then with various other crimes stemming from the investigation, including conspiracy to cover up the slayings.
Four of the soldiers have been charged with keeping body parts, including finger bones, a skull, leg bones and a human tooth.
The hearing at Joint Base Lewis-McChord near Tacoma, Wash., is expected to last a day, with the investigating officer taking up to several weeks to decide whether a court-martial is warranted, Turner said.
Morlock has a history of criminal charges, the Tacoma News Tribune reported Monday: his wife sought a domestic-violence protective order against him two years ago; he was charged with assault and disorderly conduct against his wife and found guilty of the latter charge last year; when he was 15, he was charged with leaving an accident involving an injury or death and received a deferred prosecution.
Dad says son tried to alert Army
Christopher Winfield, who was shocked when his son Adam was among those charged, said his son did not kill the unarmed man and would never have been in the situation if the Army had investigated the warnings he says he passed along to Fort Lewis.
An Army spokeswoman at the base said she could not comment on whether they received such a tip or if so, whether it was acted on.
Emma and Christopher Winfield hold a photograph of their son, 22-year-old U.S. Army Spc. Adam Winfield, at their home in Cape Coral, Fla., Friday, Sept. 3, 2010. Adam is accused of murdering civilians during his deployment to Afghanistan, a charge he and his family firmly refute. (AP Photo/Erik Kellar)Erik Kellar / FR170371AP
Pentagon press secretary Geoff Morrell said he had no information about the man's claim. "That's disheartening to hear if that is indeed the case," he said. "If someone is trying to reach out, trying to notify us, trying to head off a potential problem, that's something we need to pay attention to and heed that warning."
The new details about Winfield's efforts to alert the Army and his son's pleas raised questions about the Army's handling of the case and its system for allowing soldiers to report misconduct by their colleagues.
Winfield is charged with murder in the final killing, and his attorney, Eric Montalvo, insists he was ordered to shoot after Gibbs hit the civilian with a grenade. Winfield deliberately shot high and missed, he said.
Gibbs has denied the charges. His attorney, Phillip Stackhouse, said his client maintains that the shootings were "appropriate engagements" and denies involvement in any conspiracy to kill civilians.
The AP reviewed witness and defendant statements as well as documents filed with an Army magistrate for this report.
Gibbs, 25, of Billings, Mont., arrived in the unit late last year and soon began discussing how easy it would be to kill civilians, some in the platoon told Army investigators. He and Morlock, 22, planned "scenarios" in which they could carry out such killings, they said.
Morlock gave investigators extensive statements describing the plot.
Morlock's lawyer told The Seattle Times that the statements were made under the influence of prescription drugs to treat traumatic brain injuries from explosions and should be suppressed as evidence.
In each of the killings, Morlock said, he and Gibbs planned and initiated the attack and enlisted one other soldier to participate.
A father looks back
The first indication for Christopher Winfield and his wife, Emma, that something was amiss came Jan. 15, the day of the first killing.
"I'm not sure what to do about something that happened out here but I need to be secretive about this," their son wrote them in a Facebook message. The couple gave the AP copies of the Facebook messages, Internet chats and their phone records.
Winfield, 22, of Cape Coral, Fla., didn't immediately provide more details, and over the next month he had little contact with his parents. They said they checked constantly to see if he was online.
On Feb. 14, he told his parents what happened in a lengthy Internet chat: Members of his unit on patrol had killed "some innocent guy about my age just farming." He said he did not witness the killing.
But, he wrote, those involved told him about it and urged him to "get one of my own."
He said that virtually everyone in the platoon was aware of what was going on, but no one seemed to object.
"If you talk to anyone on my behalf, I have proof that they are planning another one in the form of an AK-47 they want to drop on a guy."
He added that he didn't know whom to trust and feared for his safety if his comrades learned he was talking to authorities.
'No more good men left here'
"Should I do the right thing and put myself in danger for it. Or just shut up and deal with it," he wrote his parents. "There are no more good men left here. It eats away at my conscience everyday."
In this undated photo released by the Winfield family, shows U.S. Army Spc. Adam Winfield while on duty in Afghanistan. Winfield is accused of murdering civilians during his deployment to Afghanistan, a charge he and his family firmly refute. (AP Photo/Courtesy Winfield family, HO)Courtesy Winfield Family
In statements to investigators, at least three platoon members said Gibbs directly threatened Winfield. Morlock added that Gibbs devised "scenarios" for Winfield's death, one of which involved Gibbs dropping heavy weights on him as he was working out.
Gibbs accosted Winfield as he was on his way to speak with a chaplain and warned him to keep quiet, Montalvo said.
Soldiers serving in a combat theater typically would report crimes up the chain of command, to military investigators or chaplains, to members of the Defense Department inspector general's office, or even to another unit if their own commanders are involved.
One soldier, Pfc. Justin A. Stoner, who reported hashish smoking in the unit, said he was beaten by several platoon members. Gibbs and Morlock then paid him a visit, with Gibbs rolling out on the floor a set of severed fingers, he told investigators.
Morlock told him that "if I don't want to end up like that guy ... shut the hell up."
Winfield asked his parents to call an Army hot line because he didn't want anyone to overhear him using the phone.
Dad: I called Pentagon hot line
His father, a Marine veteran, was shocked, and made five calls to military officials that day, his phone records show.
He said he left a message on a Defense Department hot line and called fou
r numbers at Fort Lewis. He said he spoke with an on-duty sergeant and left a message at an Army Criminal Investigations Division office before reaching the base's command center.
In that call, an official told him that if his son wasn't willing to come forward while deployed, there was nothing the base could do, Winfield recalled in interviews with the AP and in a sworn statement to Army investigators.
The official suggested the soldier keep his head down until his deployment ended and investigators could look into his claims, he said.
The elder Winfield told AP he regrets not writing down the identities of those he spoke with. He said he did not give any of them Gibbs' name, but did identify his son. He said one of his son's sergeants had been involved in a civilian's murder and was planning more.
His son soon expressed concern about what would happen if Army officials stateside began making inquiries and asked his dad to back off. The elder Winfield said he complied.
A week later, the second killing occurred. On May 2, the third killing took place.
The killings eventually came to light when the soldier who had reported the drug use told investigators that Morlock "had three prior kills that none of which I believe were actually justified."

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


Fu Dogs – Temple Lions placement for your home or office.
Fu Dogs are an extremely powerful protection for your home or business; you will find most homes or business in Asia complemented by a pair either inside or outside. Out of all the cures and enhancers in Feng Shui, Fu Dogs in our opinion are the most essential. They come in all shapes and sizes and some of the homes I have visited all over the world display some of the most magnificent pairs I have seen especially the ones in Asia.
Probably the most impressive are from the Beijing's Forbidden City as shown below, these are really amazing to see.
They are also know as guardian Lions, lion dogs, or temple lions. We consult on hundreds of homes and business each year and around 70% will have Fu Dogs either placed by the door or windowsills, I would also say that 50% are placed in the wrong order, check below for confirmation.
Where do I place Fu Dogs in 2018?
For protection in 2018 you should place a pair of Fu Dogs – temple Lions in the southeast if they are red coloured or in the north if they are made from metal, especially if you have a main door in either of these locations. As with all Feng Shui cures and enhancers you should make sure you cleanse all your symbolic ornaments. We cleanse all ours every 3-4 months by washing them and then placing them outside in a full moon or direct sunlight for at least 2-3 hours. By doing this you cleanse them of negative energy and empower them with positive Sheng qi energy.
You will find many variations on web sites, some will have a ball under one paw others will have a Cub under another paw, the most important thing to remember is the order placement and not which foot the ball or cub is under.
The male lion, holding a ball under his left or right paw should be placed on the left side (as you are looking out of a door or window).
The female lion, holding a cub under her right or left paw is placed on the right side.
Fu Dog (Female) at Beijing's Forbidden City (a nice sunny day) This magnificent bronze Fu dog is one of six pairs scattered throughout the Forbidden City.
Temple Lions with plain balls under feet.
These are a magnificent pair on a plinth available here.
Fu Dogs with plain balls under feet.
These are very common and popular as mistakes cannot be made with placement.
hi. where could i send email?
You can send an email to jo@fengshuiweb.co.uk or use the ask a question tab on the side of the website.
Hello, I have a male(w/ball) and female (w/cub) statue foo dogs on its own platform. They are brownish gray looking when I ordered said brown. My question: I am wanting to put foo dogs outside my front garage door (facing south) on each side (Of the main garage door). We have such a small front door entry No room for foo dogs). Can this be done? Or should I place them on each side of the sliding backdoor outside (facing North)?
Note: I have two male dogs in front of my lamps in the house in front of a window as decoration facing North into my kitchen, where the back sliding doors for backyard, I originally bought them-the store did not have a female, hence the reason why I have two male in the house.
I would place the Fu Dogs either side of the garage door. You could also place them on the inside of your front door, looking out.
I recently bought a pair of used marble Foo dog from facebook marketplace. I have placed it in front door entrance facing south. Just wondering it's coincidence or it bring bad omen. My jade bracelet broke then after my father in law passed away, follows by my greatfather in law. All happened within a week. I wonder if I should give it away.
I'm sorry for your loss of your father in law.
I would suggest cleansing the cures before placing them as they can hold a lot of negative energy if they are used.
Im planing to buy pair lucky foo dogs medium size to put outside main gate. Please advice. Thanks!
You are better off buying them from a garden centre or similar and make sure you follow the advice on this page for placement, male and female etc. Also make sure they are not too big or small and better as you said to a medium size.
Incase if I buy fu dogs …. can I place it inside the house rather than the outside… in the main room which is facing directly towards the entrance ..north side …main door of the house.
The Fu Dogs will be fine if placed inside. I would have them facing to the outside of the home.
I had a nice pair of small ceramic foo dogs that i kept in my kitchen for good luck (near a main door where people enter). A person working in my house broke one and tried to glue it together and it's terribly ruined, can't sit anymore. How do I "dispose" of them without offending spirits or tradition?
Sorry to hear about your Fu dogs. I would dispose of them by wrapping them in cloth or tissue and carefully place them in a bin outside of your home.
They can help, yes. I would recommend putting a ba gua mirror outside, facing your neighbours home.
Hi! I bought the fu dogs pair recently…it is gold in color (not metal, not sure what it is made of) and about 9inches in height…I am not sure where I can place it for maximum benefit…please can you help?
I would place these outside your front door for protection.
If you were starting towards your front door, you would have the Fu Dog with the ball on the right side looking out and the Fu Dog with the cub on the left side.
Hello! I just bought a large, male foo dog at the garden store (he's got a ball under his right foot). I now realize I need to go back and purchase the female – however, I do not see anything under either of her feet. There are no other foo dog varieties aside from these two, so I am assuming that this one is, in fact, the mate of the one I purchased. Can this be correct, or will the female always have a cub? I do have photos if that would be of assistance to you. These will go in our back garden. Thank you very much for your help!
If you could send the photos to jo@fengshuiweb.co.uk and put the subject as FAO:Daniel. I will be able to advise you better once I've seen them.
You can place them both on their own although they will not be as effective and is better placed in pairs to complete the energy. I would place one by the front door and one by the back door.
Is it normal for the male to have the ball under his left paw and the female to have the cub under her right paw?
You could place these in the window, looking outwards if you like.
I have two red fu dogs, my porch is in the south east corner of my house. However the door into the house is on one side, the porch extends sideways. Do I need to put them either side of the front door or can I put them either side of the window next to the door? And would I put them in front or behind my rubber plant?
It's hard to visualise but I would have the Fu Dog's facing on to the main entrance of your home looking out to the busiest part. This can be in a window looking out or by your front door.
I would recommend painting them a brown, burgundy colour or you could also paint them a gold colour if you prefer.
My husband just found a 3ft grayish resin female lion disposed of froma yard sale I think. Has a small crack In The side. Other than that itsta da in a pedestal and is lovely. He automatically put In the southeast corner of our back yard. Is this good or where can we place to increase prosperity? Thank you for your asisitance.
I would recommend filling the crack if possible. This will be fine there as long as it is not looking towards the home.
hai, I have two Fu Dogs, they are small, butI think made from wood.
One hase the ballunder the right feet the other under the left foot.
My front door is in the north, my outside windor is in the back on the south.How do I position the outside in the North or or facing the south. and do I have the balls inside the pair or outside the pair.
I would place the Fu Dogs outside your front door in the north looking outwards. You should have the balls inside closest to the door.
What side do they sit on? does not say what side to place them on left or right ?
The ball or cub should sit on the inside closest to the door.
I have 2 gold fu dogs my front door is west, should I buy a different colour pair for west door?
These would be great in the west as this will weaken the negative #2 star.
I have a pair of porcelain colourful foo dogs. Too precious and breakable to put outside. My question is where to best place these in my house. Our front door faces east. I have a shelf inside on the south side of the door that they can go on. I can also put them on a small table in the entryway facing out. The table will be about 6 feet from the front door if that is a consideration. I also have an upstairs window that faces east that I can put them on. What is your recommendation? Would anyof these work? Is one location better than the other? We have neighbours that we need to counteract the negativity from their home. They live on the south side of us.
I would place them in the inside of your front door facing outwards if possible on a small table. They are usually best placed by the front door looking out so if you cannot put them outside, inside looking out is the next best option.
This all comes down to personal choice if you want to keep it or not although I would personally dispose of it unless it has sentimental meaning.
If my child had done that, I'd have taken him back to the garden to return the ball and apologize for stealing. I guess nobody believes in teaching kids right from wrong anymore. Regardless of sentimental value, a stolen object would have negative energy.
I have a pair of green faux jade Fu dogs. I live in an apartment on the 3rd floor (of 6)t. The building entrance is facing North, and my apartment entrance also faces north. They frown upon placing any objects outside doorways, so I'd like to place them inside my apartment. What is the most beneficial way to place my male and female fu dogs inside my apartment, and how do I position them, facing out or in?
You can place them on the inside of your door facing out of your apartment.
I have brass Fu Dogs and my main entrance location is south. Can I place them on my top cupboard which is West facing South? That's the closest to the door entrance? Or for this year it has to be north facing north? I have already a lot of cures placed in the north so I was wondering where else can I put them and which direction should they face? Many thanks.
These would be great in the west, facing towards the south as this will help weaken the annual #2 located here.
Can I place it in the porch, looking towards south east? As on the entry they are on the left side of the entrance in the porch.
Could you please send a picture in a private message or on the wall on our facebook page so I can give accurate advice on this picture?
If you get a tattoo of fu dogs on your back. Would female be facing left side of back or right side?
it's based on where you are facing right? Or is it based on where the building/structure/body is.
If I look at your back. Female Fu dug is on your left shoulder blade. Male on Right shoulder blade. Correct?
Or would it be vice versa because you are facing forward therefore the female should be on your right shoulder blade and male on the left. ??
If I was standing behind you, looking towards your back, you would have the female on the left and the male on the right looking towards me.
I live in an appartment n my main door is on west ..Can i use poster of male and female fu dogs on either side of the main door (Outside Since my kids plays around that area often ).And if so then about what height should i keep the poster.
It would be better to use real Fu Dogs although you could try using a poster. Please let me know the results! I would keep the poster low to the ground.
Hi apparently I have a beautiful orange male fu dog with jewels on it sitting on my dressing table . I was unaware it is a fu dog until one of my mother"s friend told her yesterday. The dressing table it is on is facing the doorway of the bedroom. Should I remove it from the bedroom? If so, can I place it outside the bedroom door?
Otherwise shall I place it on the left hand side of my entrance on the inside as I already have four fu doors guarding the entrance on the front porch.
This will be better placed outside the porch.
I have a male fu dog statue that I have on my dressing table in my bedroom facing the doorway. Should I remove it? Is it bad luck to have it in the bedroom? Can I place it outside the bedroom door?
You can place it on its own although it will not be as effective and is better placed in pairs to complete the energy.
Hi, yes ideally they are better in pairs.
You should place the Fu Dog's with the balls on the inside of the door (left fu dog – ball on right, right fu dog – ball on left when looking out of your front door).
I hope this helps, Jennifer.
I have two fu dogs, but one is a white jade and the other is a light green jade. I made the mistake of not realizing that I should probably have two of the same color and I was financially strapped at the time. I remember the seller mentioned something about pairs, but I asked if I could get one of each because of the different jade colors and they said yes. There were other colors of jade, but I only opted for those two. I bought these when I was traveling several years ago.
I am not sure if I have a male and female, but neither have a cub or ball underneath. Each has either the left or right paw stretched out.
I have photos of the two at different angles. Please let me know the best way to upload or send the files.
1) Should I still display them or keep them in the box?
2) Which one is the male and the female?
3) We have a bit of a short wall separation between our main entrance and the living area upon entering the house. The fu dogs are too small to place outside of our door.
A) Could I place it on the floor inside to either side of the respective door facing out?
B) Or should I place it on that short wall, which is almost parallel to the door and make sure it lines up with one on each side of the length of the door?
C) Or can I place them next to each other on the wall facing the door outward, which means when people enter, they will see them sitting together in the middle of the wall almost.
D) I do have a wall opening that is a bit further, that is in the same line of the sight as the main entrance and the short wall, then this wall opening, kind of diagonal when lined up, would it be okay to put it there too? It would still be facing outwards towards the door.
If you could send me pictures of the Fu Dogs over to our Facebook page in a private message, I will be able to answer your questions there for you once I've seen what they look like.
I bought an ancient Foo dog made of clay fiber and brown rustic colour. Can I put in at the front entrance facing north. Can you please advise. Thank you in advance and looking forward for you reply.
I would place the Fu Dog at your front entrance as long as you make sure they are on the right side of the entrance (male or female).
Thank you for prompt reply. I have male and female. Can I put male on left side of the door when looking from inside house and female on right when looking from inside the house.
I have pair of foo Dogs, but the female pair is broken please advice me how can I dispose them. Can I wrap in paper and put it in recycle bin.
I would dispose of them exactly as you suggested and wrap them in paper and then place in the bin.
I have very strong winds going through both of the balconies in my high-floor apartment. Since moving here few months ago, I feel like my 'good luck' had been blown away. I am wondering if I can place a pair of fu dogs at the balconies to 'protect my luck'? If so, how should I do it? Would it be at the entrance to the balcony or perhaps at the extreme ends of the balcony itself? By the way, one balcony is at the eastern part of the home, the other is at the western side. Can I place the fu dogs at both balconies?
I would recommend placing the Fu Dogs outside both doors on either side as shown in the photos on this page if you have them.
I have only one fu dog-didnt realize they should be displayed in pairs. How should I dispose of it?
I have a pair of large outdoor Fu Lions I inherited from my parents. They are green ceramic, probably from Thailand, Cambodia or Vietnam. I have a small space to the left of my front door (looking outward) where I put the male. However there is NO space to put the female. I do have space on the back patio on the right side of the door (looking out) where she can go. This would be proper placement of both but NOT together. Can I separate the two? Would this unbalance the energy/ feng shui? Also, doors face West and East respectively. So if they can't be separated is one entrance better than the other?
Fu Dogs are always better placed in pairs if possible. If you have room in the inside of your front door, you can place them facing towards the outside of the house.
If you do not have space by the front door, I would recommend placing them by the back door.
I hope this helps, Karla.
I have 2 small about 6″ high, dark red Foo Dogs. Can I place them in the window on the 2nd floor above the main door, (east side of house)? I don't want to put them outside on the porch or inside on the floor by door, because I'm afraid they will be stepped on. I also have a large bay window near the main door on the 1st floor. Which window would be better to place them in? Thank you!
This will be fine to place the Fu Dogs in the window.
They would be best placed whichever windows looks out towards the entrance of your home.
You can also place them on the inside of your front door if you prefer, facing outwards.
I have both males, is this ok? I always thought one should be female and male?
Fu Dogs should be displayed as male and female although if you have two males, you can display them on their own.
hi i bought pair of fu lions and placed facing main entrance but getting confused that when i look towards them then where will be the female my left or right can u plz help.
When you are facing towards the main door, you should have the female on the left looking towards you with the cub under her foot.
We have an old house and bathroom is positioned facing the end of the stairs. Can we put the two foo dogs at the end of the stairs to counter this?
You can place Fu Dogs here although I would just be sure to keep the bathroom door closed when not in use.
Could you post a picture to our facebook wall or private message as I would not want to give you the wrong advice.
I have a pair of 5 1/2 inch high marble Fu Dogs (no resemblance to lions) that were my father's when he was with the British Army in Hong Kong around 1903. There does not seem to be distinction between a male or female.
Also a small bronze incense burner with on the top cover a crude lion with both paws on a ball.
These dogs are too small to be placed by the front door. How would you recommend they are best placed (Feng Shui) within our home?
Hi I have a blue set very small so they have to sit on my front counter of our business do they need to be side by side or spaced out.
How do I know left or right side.
I'm afraid I cannot see the image. Could you please try sending it on our Facebook page.
I would recommend disposing of both the broken and intact Fu Dogs and would not worry about the negative energy from damaging them.
I have 2 white porcelain fu dogs. Can I place by my front door which is located south? Also, should i place them by the door or the entrance on the porch leading to the front door?
The Fu Dogs will be well placed in the south of your home and can be placed either inside the porch or outside facing away from the door for protection; whichever you prefer.
My boyfriend has what looks like 2 fu dogs but they are a jade color but don't have anything under their feet. Do I still put them in my windows to the left and right of my front door? They are similar to the one in the link I'll attach but on a wooden pedestal.
Hi, I have e-mailed regarding my 3 fu dogs I found in my attic. It's made of porcelain and one dog having both paws in a ball. Where shall I place them?
You can place your Fu Dogs eitherside of your front door facing outwards either inside or out.
Hi. Im living in an apartment. I dont want to display my fudogs images outside my dog. Cani place it inside? What will be its orientation then? Thanks.
Yes, the Fu Dogs will be fine indoors. You need to have the female lion, holding a cub under her right or left paw is placed on the right side.
Since it will be place indoor but still need to face the door facing outside, correct?
Yes, the Fu Dogs should face the outside.
Just purchased a pair of red/brown coloured jade Fu Lions. Was advised by the seller that this is the youngest son of the Dragon. Have no ball or cub under their paws. One having the right paw in front and the other left paw front. (With me facing them) Both with mouths open. Can you please advise, how do I tell which is male and female. Is it ok to place them about 3 feet apart with other items in between. Have been advised to place this pair facing the front door to invite good luck coming in and repel bad luck. Is this the case.
Looking forward to your feedback and thanking you in advance.
Could you please post an image and send me the link so I can make sure I give your the right advice. I use the website https://postimage.org/ to post one off pictures.
Have not use this program before. Upload 2imges. 20170104_134101 and20170104_134120. Hope I have done it correctly.
Have already emailed you the images.
The correct placement for Fu Dogs is to have the female lion, holding a cub under her right or left paw is placed on the right side.
I would like to have my lions in the back yard. Where do you like I should place them? Facing which direction?
Place the Lions so they face the rear aspect, good protection to have here too.
Michael, I'm just starting my research, but great comments, thank you. Have a weird question for you. I want to get fu dogs tattooed on both sides of my chest. I have peonies and chrysanthemums on my left arm and am doing more masculine on my right. Traditionally, I'd now have to get the male with the flowers and the female with the masculine side. Trying to nail the culture and tradition down right. Any issues with the above, or does it even matter mixing male with female elements, female with masculine elements? Really want to get this right as I'm adopting Some eastern culture into my life.
Yes, i would place the Fu Dogs side by side, this will be fine.
Can I place a poster of fu dogs couple above the front door? And, is placing small statues of them on the top of the pillars of the main door(outer most, after which the road begins) correct?
The poster and small statues are fine to place.
Thank you for the reply,I\'m assuming that if I get a female foo dog it would be placed on the left side since the male is on the right.
Yes that is right, the easiest way to spot the female is that they will have the cub under their foot.
If the Fu Dog is inside the home, it should be on the right side facing outwards. The male Fu Dog should always be placed on the right side of a door.
I would recommend placing them on the windowsill, facing out of the window to the outside of your home for protection.
Can you have too many fu dogs around the house?
I would not recommend having them all over the house but they will be fine by all entrances and exits of the home.
out the very best layout!) and wondering about this.
I can\'t place my Fu Dogs outside for fear that they may be stolen or accidentally broken. They are too large for the windowsill, yet are too small and wouldn\'t be proportionate for my front door. I would prefer to keep them in the house. Please let me know where they can be placed on my living room. Thank you for your input and help!
I have 2 Fu Dogs that are blue and made of stone, and were given to me as gifts years ago. One has it\'s mouth open, the other does not. They do not have anything under their paws. I have the Fu Dog with it\'s mouth closed in my son\'s bedroom, and I have the other with it\'s mouth open on a shelf in an open area between my kitchen and living room, facing toward my front door and window. I put them like this today because all the negative energy would go out of the mouth and out of the door (I had them in reverse order prior to today, and wanted protection on both floors and especially my son\'s room).A Is this correct? I cannot place them in a pair on the windowsill, as there is no room. Any suggestion that you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I would recommend placing them together outside your front door as they will work in synergy when placed together. The correct placement is displayed on this page.
I have 2 Fu Dogs that are blue and made of stone. They were given to me as a gift many years ago and none of them have a ball or cub under their paw. The only difference between these 2 is that one\'s mouth is open and the other one\'s closed. I have the one with the mouth closed in my son\'s bedroom, pointing towards the door, and I have the other one (mouth open) on a shelf between the kitchen and living room, facing towards the window and door. Then my sister told me that I should switch them, because she heard that the negative energy would go out of the mouth towards the door. Is this correct? I know that they should go on a windowsill, but they can\'t fit. Any suggestions or help would be appreciated. Thank you!
Is it suitable to place the dogs in a window? My living room window faces a church and I would like to balance the energy, but it is in the south of the house.
It would be fine to place them on a windowsill and is recommended.
They should always be in pairs, Male (supremacy) female (nurture) often the male is used solo for power. There needs to be a balance.
Mostly in western culture are they referred to as dogs, they are lions.
The are a beautiful creatures and have an aura about them that cant be denied.
I placed my Fu dogs on my window looking out male left and female right is that right???
Apologies for the late reply. That is correct, yes.
I have only one. Can I use it to protect from malevolent energy of a spiral staircase?