text:
Really really funny reviews
Stormalv
So, what are some really funny reviews here on MA, that literally made you laugh, anyone want to show some? Or at least some quotes if there's just a little part that's funny.
I myself find this review of Enslavement of Beauty's first album hilarious, the first review here:
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=20027
Now, I'm a fan of EoB, and I think their lyrics are great, but the way this guy describes their (in his opinion) suckage is just so incredible, I laugh my ass off. For example this part:
"It's hard to see what more Tunheim could have done to rise above the laughable lyrics that quote de Sade throughout and peak at the line "What excitement in my organs". And no I'm not quoting out of context. Try making that line work anywhere."
I wonder if this guy has something personal against the vocalist/lyricist, hehe... But anyway, funny stuff.
Any others??
My band's myspace profile:
www.myspace.com/mortiferiaofficial
Mateilkrist
Most of the reiviews for Cryptopsy's The Unspoken King are good for a laugh. Ramseus's in particular:
"The guitars are distinctly Cryptopsy in tone, but sadly they have been castrated and watered down so much that they've actually begun to erode - I didn't think metal eroded, but I guess it does, and to carry this metaphor further I'd say that the shores of Cryptopsia have been battered by corestorms and now lay at the bottom of lake metal, all waterfront residents of Cryptopsia have lost their homes due to erosion and now feel scared and abandoned. The Cryptopsia government will not aid those who have lost their homes, because "Fuck you this album is more brutal than anything ever."
Morbid Angel wrote:
BART! BART! ... BART! BART!
https://auxeptheon.bandcamp.com/releases
DrummingEdge133
On that note, I think this video is appropriate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdZTl6mFTAk
Funny stuff.
Rippingheadache
Location: Vietnam
Posted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 11:34 am
The Tiffany Vs Whoracle review is a classic.
Mateilkrist wrote:
This is actually funny and clever. Much more than the countless half-assed attempts at wit and humor we stumble upon when reading reviews here in MA.
Noktorn, on the Holocaustus/Ødelegger split album wrote:
If one was trying to sway Edward Norton away from NS ideologies in 'American History X', I think playing him this CD would do it instantly, because goddamn.
Rippingheadache wrote:
Yup, one of the very best on the site. The fact that Cheeses_Priced takes a what seems like an impartial stance makes the review even more scathing. Especially when you step back and consider what he says.
Often the funniest reviews are the most scathing, I find. These would be some of my favourites:
http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=29857#25436 - very, very Napero.
http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=183835#16199 - the fact that can't award it a 0 makes it even better).
http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=1305#4085 (not in essence a negative review, but gives a good overview on their career).
Haha, that was funny even though it's for one of my all time favorite albums.
Nappy is without a doubt one of the funniest reviewers on the site. This Iced Earth one is his best, but he has some solid gold humor in his reviews for Metallica, Opeth, the original Burzum poem, and pretty much anything else he does. If it isn't hilarious, it's extremely well done.
*wipes Nappy jizzums off his chin*
The_Poltergeist
the original Burzum poem,
Is there any place where I can read that?
The_Poltergeist wrote:
http://web.archive.org/web/200604300820 ... php?id=383
Holy shit, it will never go away, will it? Damn... there goes Nappy's shot at being the UN Secratery General.
ksevile
Nightgaunt's review for "Hellig Usvart" is a true gutbuster. I love his style and approach towards it.
It is no more worthy of attention or respect than a self-professed vegan willfully in the employ of the Armour company would be.
Is it the gross psychomechanical process of seeing a sequence of characters and semiconsciously arranging them into a pattern; assigning basic coherency based on vocabularly and prefabricated grammatical constructs; neurodynamic masturbation?
a lyrical rainslicker isn't going to save your soul from the eventual rain of brimstone anymore than an umbrella would save your skin if the Sears Tower fell over on top of you.
Instinct is no match for reason.
"This has about as much energy as a sloth on morphine."
Malacoda
I found a lot of hilarious metalcore reviews. The kind of metalheads who use Metal-Archives usually hate metalcore so much it's funny.
Malacoda wrote:
Really? Most of those kinds of reviews don't take that much thought put into them at all. I find them pretty weak a lot of the time. "Oh no, metalcore sucks because it has screams and breakdowns!" Weak.
I always liked the lord_ghengis review of Cryptopsy - None So Vile. His describing and discussing of Lord Worm's vocals made me laugh hard the first time, great stuff.
Looks like Cryptopsy's page is the place to go when you want funny reviews.
Empyreal's recent review of God Hates Us All made me snicker quite a bit.
Empyreal, reviewing God Hates Us All wrote:
"Here Comes the Pain" has riffs that resemble the rumbling of a hungry stomach, and "Payback" has swearing like Tom just stubbed his toe and burned his hand on a hot stove…at the same time.
The Navy Blue Vicar was a master at writing amusing reviews. Whatever stuff that guy was smoking, I would like some.
I also get a kick out of some of Acrobat's...the Bathory "Under the Sign of the Black Mark" piece in particular made me laugh aloud a couple of times.
zeingard
The fact he made sense was the weirdest thing about his reviews. Don't get me wrong; he was batshit insane, but despite that if you twisted your mind, say 90 degrees the other way, his reviews made perfect sense. Especially his Khanate s/t review.
I wish I was that amusing and yet informative with my reviews.
jazzisbetterthanmetal wrote:
Every time I see a bunch of hairy libertarians in wolfshirts ripping off Iron Maiden/Metallica in their go-nowhere generic local 80s revival band, all I can think is how lucky Iced Earth got.
DevilsWhorehouse
UltraBoris' review of Torture Squad - Pandemonium features what is possibly the funniest paragraph in MA history.
It's like in the third grade, where you had to give a report dressed up as your favourite hero, like Magic Johnson or Adolf Hitler or whatnot. Well, these guys dressed up as THRASHERS and they got an A fucking Plus.
It also happens to be true.
...please let me die in solitude
Ubiquitous_Alien
"A considerable problem with this Coloradoan quintet's (quartet at the time of recording) debut EP is the fact that the musicians aren't quite skilled enough to play the music they've written. The drummer is either an extraordinarily talented rhythmist, capable of intentionally playing highly complicated, odd-sounding polyrhythmic patterns with his bass drums, or he's just plain sloppy and unable to stay in time when it comes to double bass (I'm betting on the second alternative). As for the guitarists, they seem to sound worse the further they venture up the fretboard;"
caspian's review of Sunn O)))'s ØØ Void is really great. I love how he approached that review, it is quite funny and all correct as well .
NecroFile
On one of UltraBoris's Ozzy Osbourne reviews he said something about how Ozzy's penis had dropped off due to drug use. Just the context made it hilarious.
I always thought that navy_blue_vicar was funny ass hell.The dude was insane, it seems that the combination of drone doom and whatever kind of drugs he was using ended up messing up his head pretty badly.But damn, he never failed to entertain me with his reviews, and besides, it was his writing that made me check out Dopesmoker and Khanate.
http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=154953
Bottom review by Desert_Eagle is one of the best I've seen.
"Anyways what's interesting about the band, aside from the anal leakage, is that behind all this we have the singer incorporating the most positive and somewhat thought-provoking lyrics I have heard. I could have easily quoted some here just to kill more space but instead I'll do the same but explaining that I'm not going to do that."
You can't make that shit up.
HA! That holds one of my favorite lines I've ever seen. It was mentioned in the what the christ thread but I never knew where it came from.
That review wrote:
They basically try to sound as frantic and chaotic as possible while still having a nice groove. I won't even bother trying to compare it to anything because it's just not going to happen. OK I'll try anyways. It's like having the worst diarrhea in your life but it doesn't burn.
Doesn't that sound nice? It'd be just like a water faucet.
draconiondevil
My personal favourite review is Ultraboris' review for St. Anger.
"Oh my fucking god, we've got a new Worst Album Ever. I thought that the single could just be an aberration, but ya know what, the whole thing is just as fucking bad. I mean Angel Rat is shit, and The Haunted is shit, but at least they have the decency to motherfucking STOP after a while. This thing just goes on and on... it's longer than Suckwater Park, and suckier. Oh the agony - my blood is bleeding, it's that bad after a while. I would rather amputate my own penis with a rusty tuna can lid and die of gangrene in my groin than endure this album ever again."
Justineer
Zeingard's review for Kreator's "[Whores] of Chaos":
I'm not going to use the "s word" because frankly, the sound present on 'Hordes of Chaos' is simply an further devolution of that which was present on 'Enemy of God'; an album which was yet more proof that 80's thrash band come backs are the physical equivalent of receiving a cleveland steamer from a sweaty, overweight bloke who just came back from twelve hours at an all-you-can-eat mexican buffet.
How about Desert Eagle's review for Winds of Plague's "Decimate the Weak"?
So with Winds of Plague we have yet another deathcore band. I know what you're thinking, "Dude, sweet!"
And yeah dude you're right, it's totally sweet. However, WoP (er, maybe I won't use that acronym again) added in something a little unexpected. Nutty symphonic keyboards! How nutty? As nutty as I get after looking at midget porn. I'll let that settle in for a minute.
Zakillah
Tepes_The_Unweeping on Meshuggah's "I"; just about now.
It was annoying hitting that "I" on the monitor, but this was worth it.
There's nothing to like about this. It's like every musical element was custom picked to sound as sterile, yet obnoxiously abrasive as possible to ensure that it elicits no emotional response whatsoever save irritation. Mission accomplished, jerks. It actually get's a lot better in the interludes where the chugs, blast beats, and screams stop for a while and the brief moments of silence are so satisfying that it's just enough to keep on listening to this album. It's almost insidious, these little respites they placed in there so you can just have the will power to keep on listening. If this was made by some psychotic misanthrope who was just out to hurt people with music then it would be the single creative work in human history to have most achieved the goal which it was created to achieve.
BOLT THROWER!!
draconiondevil wrote:
I've never enoyed his use of changed album/band names (Suckwater park, Suckbid Angel etc), but I do like the "My Blood is Bleeding" line.
I found that little habit of his would be funnier the more ridiculous and over the top its usage was, i.e. his In Flames review title "Reroute to SUCK!" It's just too easy to imagine some disgruntled young man angrily shouting that, not even trying to come off restrained, eloquent or even sensible in his delivery.
Mother_of_God
I particularly like BastardHead's review of Five Finger Death Punch's The Way of the Fist. It's funny and entertaining, but also describes the music really well.
Actually, i'm a fan of most of BastardHead's reviews in general.
immortalshadow666 wrote:
Not blackened thrash, not even speedy thrash, but ladies and gentlemen, THRASHY THRASH.
Peter31095Metalhead
UltraBoris review for Iced Earth - The Glorious Burden is awesome. In particular this part:
UltraBoris wrote wrote:
Indeed, IS it any good? Fuck no. Let's get that right the fuck out of the way right now. If you want another Stormrider, go to the store and pick up the Iced Earth LP called 'Night of the Stormrider', and then you'll have two copies, and that's the best you're gonna do.
gestapothrash
I think UltraBoris was arguably the funniest review writer to ever frequent the MA. I was checking out some reviews he wrote and:
Quote wrote:
Now, this entire album fucking drags, and drags hard. It goes around in circles, it goes nowhere, and pretty much is the equivalent of fingernails on chalkboard. Slow, irritating, and you just want it to fucking stop.
Imagine getting pounded on the side of the head with a rather average-sized brick approximately four times a second for a half-hour while a vacuum cleaner is turned to maximum volume in the background. That's Marduk for ya. Fucking blastbeats... pretty much these guys have decided that the way to gain tr00th and br00tality is to play as fast as is humanly possible, throwing all riffs out the window, and putting the drums way too prominently into the mix
What does it sound like? Slayer "God Hates us All". Really. Boring-ass riffs, stupid hardcore vocals, combined with a slightly industrial production that makes all the malltwats jumpdafukup like they've never jumpdafukupped before.
This guy truly is a fucking comedian.
Exile? Ehh?? Bloodline??? Cunting fuck, those terrorists really won on 9/11 - they took down our buildings, and allowed this album to be released.
Metallica songs are not meant to be orchestrated. Either they're thrash, in which case they demand pretty much rhythm guitar and vocals and that's about it, or they're modern shit, in which case they suck no matter what you do to them.
"Death has come, the House of God has failed! HA HA HA HAAA!" - Tom Araya
Voice_of_Reason
Those quotes aren't funny. UB has a bunch of funny lines, so why did you pick the exact ones least likely to prove your point??
Evolution is a religion and science leads to killing people.
As much as I don't like many of Boris' reviews, this one always gets me (Slayer - Show No Mercy):
UltraBoris wrote:
A lot of people don't like this album because it's "cheesy" or whatnot compared to Reign in Blood (oh, I'm sorry, you prefer your goat sitting on a throne, with lower contrast? Well, bend your album Show No Mercy booklet in half and spill soup on it!).
Voice_of_Reason wrote:
I honestly found many of those quotes very humorous.
Oh stop fucking whining. Obviously the only humour you can enjoy is someone falling or getting hit at the back of the head with a shovel. Stormalv found them funny, as did I.


text:
Universal Studios |
Universal Studios Hollywood will ring in the…
Universal Studios Hollywood will ring in the New Year with its EVE celebration
The New Year's Eve party includes a traditional countdown, party favors and a fireworks show.
Universal Studios Hollywood announced the return of its EVE event on Friday, Dec. 31. There will be new character meet and greets, a traditional countdown and fireworks display at midnight. (Photo courtesy of Universal Studios Hollywood)
By Kelli Skye Fadroski | kfadroski@scng.com | Orange County Register
PUBLISHED: December 1, 2021 at 12:10 p.m. | UPDATED: December 1, 2021 at 12:10 p.m.
Universal Studios Hollywood has announced the return of its EVE celebration on Friday, Dec. 31.
The theme park will ring in the New Year with a parkwide event and extended hours until 2 a.m. this New Year's Eve. The family-friendly party will begin with some daytime fun and meet and greets with costumed characters from The Secret Life of Pets: Off the Leash attraction and up-close action with the dinosaurs from Jurassic World – The Ride.
Starting at 9 p.m., the park will transition into a nighttime party; several entertainment hubs will pop up throughout with DJs playing live music and NYE-themed photo op backdrops. There will be specialty 2022 memorabilia and a selection of themed food and beverages, including champagne, beer and cocktails, available for purchase. There will also be a traditional New Year's Eve countdown and fireworks display at midnight.
All Eve activities are included in the price of theme park admission. Since all the holiday activities run through Sunday, Jan. 9, guests will still be able to enjoy Christmas in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter and The Magic of Christmas at Hogwarts Castle light projection show. Grinchmas will still be going on in the Universal Plaza with meet and greets with The Grinch, his dog Max and performances by the Whoville Whos.
Universal Studios Hollywood's Eve
When: Various hours through Jan. 9, 2022
Where: Universal Studios Hollywood, 100 Universal City Plaza, Universal City
Tickets: $99-$134 one-day California resident pass; $179-$279 California resident Universal Express; $109-$134 one-day general admission; $189-$279 general admission Universal Express; Universal VIP Experience starts at $349 per person. Passes are available at universalstudioshollywood.com.
Kelli Skye Fadroski | Digital Features Editor
Kelli Skye Fadroski lives for music, horror and comedy. Since starting at The Orange County Register in 2006, she's reported on major music festivals, concert tours and award shows, seasonal horror attractions and conventions, theme parks and more. Now a digital features editor with the Southern California News Group, she edits, assigns and curates entertainment content while still contributing features on a range of artists, authors and comedians. A graduate of Cal State Fullerton, she cheers on the NFL's Detroit Lions, listens to punk and alt-country music, watches "The Bachelor/Bachelorette" with her girlfriends and can often be found exploring local craft breweries and Tiki bars.
kfadroski@scng.com
Follow Kelli Skye Fadroski @kelliskye
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redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


Howdy. I posted a couple months ago that eight of my novels were about to become unavailable for a while. Though there was a delay in that process, it looks like it's now happening. The long and short of it is that my first publisher (Samhain Publishing) is closing, which means that the rights to my first eight books are returning to me.
I feel very bad for the people affected. Samhain employed some incredible human beings that I'll always consider friends. They're smart, talented, and hardworking, and I know they'll find great positions elsewhere.
Everything is up in the air. For some writers this would be terrifying, but frankly, I'm excited about it. I continue to speak with numerous publishers about all sorts of possibilities. I might end up selling four books to one publisher and four to another. I might sell each title to a different company. I might even sell the whole octet to a single company if the terms are right. The point is, each of these possibilities excites me.
I still have the Booklist Top Ten Book of the Year CHILDREN OF THE DARK for you to read. In less than a month, a spine-tingling combination novella/novel called EXORCIST FALLS will be released. There's a horrific superhero novel titled BLOODSHOT: KINGDOM OF SHADOWS, which has a fantastic hero and some wicked vampires. There are several of my novellas currently available, including OLD ORDER, WITCHING HOUR THEATRE, and THE CLEARING OF TRAVIS COBLE.
And that's only what's currently available.
Later in the year, a nearly-novel-length novella titled THE DISMEMBERED will be published by one of my favorite companies. My agent and I have a big project almost polished (my favorite novel yet, by the way). Last weekend I completed another book, and though I'll be editing this one over the next couple months, I'll also be starting a new novel in late March and another one in July. For those of you keeping track, that's three novels I'll have finished by year's end, and that's not even counting the book my agent has.
Have I mentioned the short story that'll appear in the Brian Keene-edited J.F. Gonzalez CLICKERS FOREVER tribute anthology later this year?
In short, I'm not idle. Even without my Samhain books, there is and will continue to be plenty of my work available for you to enjoy.
Having said all that, any of you who are interested in any of my eight Samhain books (listed below) and want to get them now rather than waiting until some undetermined moment in the future should grab them in the next four days (the publisher closes at the end of February, from all I can gather).
I've had several readers worry that digital purchases made prior to the closing will disappear once the company closes. This will not happen. Once you've purchased the book, it's yours forever.
That's all for now. Readers find authors they enjoy and stick with them. I'd read Stephen King's books no matter what publisher's name was on the spines. I'd read J.K. Rowling or Joe R. Lansdale or Jack Ketchum or Elmore Leonard or Brian Keene whether they were printed by Harper Collins or scrawled on a pile of crumpled cocktail napkins.
I suspect those of you who like my work will follow me too.
For those of you who fall into that category, thank you. I appreciate it more than you know.


In The Shadow of the Pine ~ Our Years Together!
I am a former Librarian, private secretary, and Legal Secretary of fourteen years. I presently help my husband in his business. Kitchen Cabinets Residential and Commercial. Stereo Wall Units, Computer Desks and general built in cabinetry. In our retirement years we plan to develop land. I have been semi-retired for the last few years. I am the mother of four beautiful children, 3 girls and one boy! :) And four beautiful grandchildren. Angela April 21 now expecting twins ! 2 more grandchildren yet to be born. I was born in Temperance Vale, New Brunswick , Canada, January 4th, 1948. Moved to my present address when I was five year old. I went to Waasis Grade school from Grade 1 to 8. Wrote my entrance exams to go to Oromocto Junior High School and Graduated from O.H.S. in 1966. I was married at the age of 18. I have been married now for over Forty One ...41..... years............... ~same man~ :) The first year of our marriage I worked for the York Regional Library, in Oromocto, New Brunswick. We lived in an apartment. After the birth of our first child Crystal Lynn Noble we moved to our present address in an old farm home next to my parents Glenn Royce Marney and Evelyn Katheline Marney(nee Mooers, daughter of Fred and Ada B. Mooers..MacFarlane). We have lived here ever since. We rented this 100 year old home for a time until it came up for sale. It was of humble beginnings, but through the eyes of all young lovers "we seen its potential"; a place of our own. Perhaps, we seen it as God sees us; not what your are today but what you WILL BE . We have 560 Acres of land to roam on and have found it especially rewarding to have brought up four beautiful children here. Crystal Lynn (our first born); Angela Evelyn (Second); Vicki Leigh Noble (Victoria) third; and our only Son , Andrew David Noble! The lazy days of summer the warmth of the sun beaming down on us. I remember endless days of working together to clear fields, back yards, and the creation of a garden! I fondly remember, the gentle hand of a child as they walk so closely by your side. A quite walk through a summer's field , as the daisies tosses their head, bumping ever so gently against a laughing child. These days I will remember, above all. Hands so tiny and so trusting. Red hands from field strawberries. The crispness of autumns bright Scarlett,orange, yellow... colors dot the landscape, all around. The harvest from a garden. Tall sunflowers bow their heads gracefully! The excitement of watching that special pumpkin grow and seeing its fulfillment of a bright orange. The woodland trails offering a cool breeze in summer; blocking the winds of fall. The gathering at the "fish pond"; hotdogs and marshmallows to roast. Quiet times, when only the sounds of frogs serenade the night. Little eyes, one blue, one brown, that shone brightly, talking about plans to have a log cabin, someday! Ducks that paddled the pond; some wild, some tame. Beaver houses. Otters, that turned on their back to swim, seemingly laughing! Dragon Files, skimming the water. A Moose would come at evening's glow, for a drink. Deer passed quietly by. The woodland creatures as they pass. The black bear as it lumbers quietly; wishing not to be seen. The deer as they come ever so close to the bedroom window. Giving out a snort and off they go. To the nearest apple tree or quietly receding to our fields. I have even seen a tawny cougar; but that is a different story. For this I was on National TV. The rabbits both grey and black (possibly one of our own)~ the white of the winter coat ~ who escaped into the freedom of the woods. Accented only by the splashing of the children at play. The sharp cry of a blue jay. The watchfulness of the gorby. The many,many, birds as they sing so sweetly in the garden or hide in the large oak tree. Their song flowing down as though sent from God. The twin fawns with their mother as she hides them in the field. There they are once again; so tiny with spots. So beautiful a creature. I will never forget the time our son, Andrew, at the age of three, with his bow and arrow thought sure he could catch a deer :) The bow and arrow for protection. The hush of a moonlight swim on a hot summer's night. Cooling the body for a peaceful rest! Flower's beside the pool. The time our daughter Vicki climbed on the stock of the giant sunflowers, grown that year. Don't laugh, just look at the Picture Below...they were giants. Towering well over ten feet.
Daughter # 3: Victoria Leigh Noble "Victoria"
Days Gone By ~ Me In Baby Highchair, Outside Grams Old Home: And so The Circle of Life Starts Again!
U Tube: " Just As I Am" ~ Saved at age 12 ~ It Was A Billy Graham Crusade, headed by John Wesley White. I knew that day, I stood convinced of a Saviour, My Saviour !
If My Children Would Remember Me This Way: "She Loved"
My Favorite Movie: "On Golden Pond"
First Movie I Loved at age 13 Years of Age: "Blue Hawaii"
People In Our Lives: "Touched By An Angel"
Life's changes: "Slow Me Down Lord"


Prathamesh works under the tag 'hair-monster' and already has a cult following in Indian footballing circles. . .
Robin Singh is probably one of the most stylish and sought after footballers in India. If there's one man who's been key to his transformation, it is Mumbai's 'hairmonster': Prathamesh Sawant.
Prathamesh began as a footballer and like so many in India, loves the sports and wants to do anything in his powers to help it make better. Being born and brought up in Borivali, Mumbai, Prathamesh always knew his calling: Football and hair-styling.
He played and captained at the school and college level, and also participated in various Mumbai local leagues. So what made hair-dressing so obvious? "My family owns this saloon for a couple years now. I was in 7th when my family started the saloon and I was into it. I know I had to do it," says Prathamesh, without mincing words.
Before leaving for the friendly against Cambodia, the Indian team were camping at the Andheri sports complex and Prathamesh was the one who took care of the hair before an important international trip which will see the national team play an Asian Cup qualifier against Myanmar. Talking about the Indian players, we asked him about the most stylish and laid-back footballers in the country.
There are a lot of talks about the lack of funds in the game in India and Prathamesh knows about it. In days when normal people shell out a good 3-4k on a haircut every month, Prathamesh believes in keeping the cost right.
"I charge very nominal per cut. I have tried to keep it reasonable and not over charge them. It's not about the money it's about the opportunity to work with these guys. The pleasure of cutting hair of players whom I use to idolise is a great sense of achievement for me," Prathamesh says his heart out.
"Players have to travel a lot and so, they end up getting haircuts at different places. Most of the time, I have to do fix ups rather than cutting a new hair-style. So I try to give them a perfect look with the least available resources." Prathamesh said.
Talking about foreign players, Prathamesh said, "I've styled Lucio (FC Goa's World Cup winner), Sony Norde and Gerson Viera, Leo Costa and Matias Defederico from Mumbai City FC." We can safely deduce he's the unofficial hair-dresser of Mumbai City FC.
Besides these players, former Mohun Bagan and DSK Shivajians midfielder Haroon Amiri is one of his loyal customers. He regularly visits Prathamesh and once, the Hair-monster flew to Pune to give the Afghan captain a cut.
Robin Singh made headlines when he got the infamous Aaron Ramsey cut. There's a teeny-tiny story to the incident and Prathamesh tells us about it.
Besides hair-dressing, Prathamesh also knows a bit about football and rates Sunil Chhetri, Gurpreet Singh Sandhu and Pronay Halder as his favourite three Indian footballers. Singling out in terms of best hair, Prathamesh chooses former Manchester United and Real Madrid superstar David Beckham with the best hair.
"As I am an Arsenal fan, Oliver Giroud would be one footballer from the current lot. He has excellent hair. One player, I would like to give a haircut would be Mesut Ozil. My friends always joke that someday he is going to call me and ask for a haircut." Well, that's not too far off a dream Prathamesh, we hope.
Apart from football, Prathamesh recently got a chance to cut Indian batsman Shreyas Iyer. We asked him about the experience and Prathamesh told us that Shreyas was the first cricketer he has worked with.


February 16, 2012, Tolland, CT/PR Newswire/ Paracas Solutions, announced today the availability of MeetingKing, a revolutionary new web-based solution that changes how people prepare, manage and document in-person and remote meetings. MeetingKing replaces the need to use multiple solutions to compile and manage information before, during and after the meeting. Instead of using a combination of email, Word and task management tools, MeetingKing offers one intuitive tool built around the natural workflow of meetings. The application captures and archives notes, tasks, and documents and automatically compiles and distributes meeting agendas, minutes and task reminders.
MeetingKing eliminates inefficient note taking and the risk of losing critical information or missing deadlines by capturing, distributing and managing meeting information and action items in real-time. MeetingKing is a full service solution that enables users to communicate more effectively, collaborate, share documents and track progress on action items. MeetingKing creates a centralized, database for each meeting and offers the ability to link meetings.
Easily captures and archives every aspect of a meeting.
Automatically publishes and distributes professional meeting agendas, summaries, action items and more.
One streamlined integrated solution from meeting preparation to task follow-up.
Ability to take private and team notes and add comments before, during and after meetings.
Dashboard offers a quick overview of what needs to be done.
Action items are automatically added to new agendas in follow-up meetings.
Combine information from different meetings by using tags.
No forced adoption; already effective if only meeting organizer has an account.
Agendas and minutes can be easily published for public organizations, town meetings and clubs.
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MPs to take parliament week activities to trading centers countrywide
A Group photo of the People's Parliament
The 2018 Parliament Week has closed with an estimated 5,000 members of the public participating in different activities.
While closing the exhibition session and the Parliament Week, Parliamentary Commissioner, Hon. Arinaitwe Rwakajara, who was represented the Speaker of Parliament, Rebecca Kadaga said that Parliament will continue educating the public about Parliament through outreach activities.
"We have introduced a new aspect of road shows countrywide, aimed at educating the communities in trading centres about Parliament," said Rwakajara.
He also commended departments for educating members of the public about their work through exhibitions.
"Directors should budget for Parliament Week as it is now a permanent fixture in the Parliament calendar and without budgets, it will be difficult for the departments to showcase their work," said Rwakajara
Some members of the public who visited the different stalls commended Parliament for the initative, saying that they have learned a lot about Parliament.
Ssenyondo Mubarak, a teacher of Glory Kindergarten in Nabweru said he was particularly impressed with the Department of Official Report.
"Now I know that whatever is said in the House is recorded in audio and visual, and written as official reports; I did not know all this," said Ssenyondo.
He however advised Parliament to widely publicise the Parliament Week so that more members of the public can participate. He added that there is need to create more space in the Chamber saying that he missed out on the Public Parliament due to limited space.
The exhibitions saw over 20 departments in Parliament showcase their work while educating the public. Some Departments were recognized for being creative and innovative and these were; Office of the Speaker and Deputy Speaker, Office of the Leader of the Opposition, Administration and Transport Logistics, Information and Communication Technology and Budget Office.
Other departments that were recognized included; Institute of Parliamentary Studies, Clerks, Human Resource, Sergeant at Arms, Corporate Planning and Strategy, Official Report, Parliamentary SACCO and Parliamentary Pension Scheme.
The Department of Communications and Public Affairs was applauded for organising the event.
The Parliament Week, which was held between 21st to 25th January 2018, is an annual event and was characterized by a series of activities, starting with a Charity Walk which raised UGX 75 million for the establishment of a centre for People Living with Albinism.
Other activities were; Civil Society dialogue, Ecumenical prayers, Public Parliament, exhibitions by different departments in Parliament as well as Banks, real estate companies and universities, Guided tours of Parliament by members of the public and meet your MP sessions.
This year's event was held under the theme; Parliament: the voice of the People. Last year, the event attracted an estimated 3,000 people and UGX 35 million was raised for establishing a centre for people living with albinism.
Related Items:Parliament week
Kadaga calls for census of Persons with Albinism
Public Parliament Wants Increased Funding to Local Govts
I Will Continue Exposing Corrupt Officials- Kadaga


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Inside the Queen's relationship with Prince Harry – and how she hoped he would 'find his feet' in LA
The Queen hoped Prince Harry would "find his feet" in Los Angeles, a new book has revealed.
Prince Philip friend Gyles Brandreth shed light on the late monarch's relationship with the Duke of Sussex.
The Queen wished Harry and Meghan all the best in their lives abroad, according to a new bookAuthor: Getty – Contributor
A forthcoming biography, titled Elizabeth: An Intimate Portrait, explained how the Queen worried about her grandson and his big move across the pond.
Excerpt from the book published in Mail on Sunday says: "I know she really wanted Harry to 'get his feet wet' in California and 'find some really useful things to do.'
"The Queen was devoted to Harry. She loved him, thought he was "fun" and sincerely wished him well in his new life abroad.
"Every time Harry called his grandmother in Montecito, he was always put through to Her Majesty."
It also claims that this love was extended to Meghan when she came into the family.
It said: "The truth is that when her grandson told her he was going to marry Meghan Markle, she was really excited about the prospect.
"She liked Megan and told a lot of people. And she did everything possible to make her future granddaughter feel welcome."
It claims that the Queen even offered her to continue working because she was "concerned about her future happiness".
It said: "When they first met, the Queen told Meghan: 'You can continue to be an actress if you want to – it is your profession after all.'
This happens after it has been discovered the queen was secretly battling a painful cancer in the last year of her life.
It comes as…
Her late majesty is said to have had the shape of marrow cancersymptoms of which include bone pain, until her death on September 8.
Her death certificate, released in September, officially recorded her cause of death – "old age".
But Mr. Brandret wrote: "I heard it the queen had a form of myeloma – bone marrow cancer — which would explain her fatigue and weight loss, and those "mobility issues" we were often told about during the last year or so of her life.
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SCHOOL OF HUMANITIES & SCIENCES
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Our faculty have been active both in developing statistical methodologies and in implementing software applications based on those methodologies. The following are some examples.
The bootstrap method estimates the standard error of a statistic by repeatedly drawing "bootstrap samples" from the original data, re-evaluating the statistic for each bootstrap sample, and estimating the standard error of the original statistic by the observed variability in the bootstrap statistic values. Bootstrap technique was invented by Bradley Efron (1979, 1981, 1982) and further developed by Efron and Tibshirani (1993). "Bootstrap" means that one available sample gives rise to many others by resampling (a concept reminiscent of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps). Implementations now exist in many software packages including a very flexible one in R, the boot package.
CART stands for Classification and Regression Trees. As the name implies, the CART methodology involves using binary trees for tackling classification and regression problems. The canonical reference for the methodology and software is the book Classification and Regression Trees by Breiman, Friedman, Olshen and Stone, published by Wadsworth Press.
GAM stands for Generalized Additive Models. Developed by Hastie and Tibshirani, GAM is a regression model where the linear form of the predictors is replaced by a sum of smooth functions of the predictors. It is implemented in the R package GAM. For more details, see the paper in Statistical Science.
Lasso is a shrinkage and selection method for linear regression. It minimizes the usual sum of squared errors, with a bound on the sum of the absolute values of the coefficients. It has connections to soft-thresholding of wavelet coefficients, forward stagewise regression, and boosting methods. It was described in a 1996 JRSS B paper by Robert Tibshirani. Visit the full site.
WaveLab is a collection of Matlab functions that have been used by David Donoho and collaborators to implement a variety of computational algorithms related to wavelet analysis. It is made available in the interest of reproducible research, enabling others to understand and reproduce their work. Versions are provided for Macintosh, UNIX and Windows machines. Visit the full site.
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Phil Klay: Redeployment
So it's 50 percent boredom and 49 percent normal terror, which is a general feeling that you might die at any second and that everybody in this country wants to kill you. Then, of course, there's the 1 percent pure terror, when your heart rate skyrockets and your vision closes in and your hands are white and your body is humming. You can't think. You're just an animal, doing what you've been trained to do. And then you go back to normal terror, and you go back to being a human, and you go back to thinking.
Review copy courtesy of Canongate Books.
In the story "Prayer in the Furnace," from Phil Klay's Frank O'Connor International Short Story Award finalist Redeployment (2014), a chaplain fails to offer solace to a platoon whose tactics involve baiting a lone soldier into flushing out hidden Iraqis. Rodriguez, a frazzled US Marine, bookends the story, initially jittery, unpredictable and haunted, and finally scowling and mystified, during which a large number of surviving soldiers shoot themselves, unable to continue back home, irrevocably poisoned by their harrowing experiences.
Two years later, Alexander Newberry, formerly of Charlie Company, appeared in an event called Winter Soldier, organized by the protest group Iraq Veterans Against the War. The event was supposed to prove the illegality of the war, and since a Marine from my old battalion was taking part, I watched most of it on YouTube. The panel of veterans was of varied quality. Many were vague and unconvincing, and what they complained about seemed more like the standard horror of war than any particular pattern of misconduct. Newberry, however, had brought a camera to Iraq and used photos and video to accompany his testimony. He claimed Captain Boden congratulated every Marine on their first kill and told everyone that if a Marine got their first kill by stabbing someone to death, they'd get a ninety-six-hour pass when they got back. It sounded right.
Without going into too much pointless background re: the long line of precedents in the "war" fiction genre, it's impossible not to mention Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried (Mookse review here), Michael Herr's Dispatches, and Thom Jones' Sonny Liston Was a Friend of Mine (not by any means exclusively war-centric), three relatively contemporary, prominent collections of short fiction detailing close-quarters combat experience. Although, what do I know about what makes such fiction "realistic" anyway? (As an "old joke" recounted in the story "Psychological Operations" has it, "How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? You wouldn't know, you weren't there.") I don't. I do think, though, that Redeployment is an impressive enough collection of stories to be spoken about in the same breath as those inarguably revered volumes.
US cover.
Redeployment offers its own tour of a war's protagonists, both in Iraq as the nightmare plays out and back in the US: demob unhappy soldiers visit garishly vivid pink trailers containing tired strippers and addled punters, and sink ambivalently into a deeply sad, tawdry oblivion; an academic political intrigue between a recently converted Muslim and an Egyptian Christian becomes a rapprochement over a tale of Iraqi death; a doomed, fumbling attempt at rekindling a corroded romance that's desolate and affecting. There are no duds here, several excellent pieces and one standout.
That piece, "Money as a Weapons System," will surely be anthologized ad infinitum. It's a work of razor sharp satirical brilliance, and has a fine line in self-immolating metaphoric dialogue exchanges that say everything that need be said in quipping moment after Strangelove-esque exchange. It really does reach Helleresque levels of comic surreality and damning, gleefully-fatalistic rhetoric. The U.S. presence here is largely about empty gestures and the appearance of a certain brand of "progress." Attempts at real improvements depend on the whim of constantly-modified agenda, all manner of backhanders and obscenely complex and bribe-heavy negotiations: an inactive water plant, handily installed with pipes that can't cope with water pressure levels, becomes a disaster zone of hampered intentions, and merely getting water to Iraqis provides abundant Catch-22-esque queasy mirth, as Major Zima, a corpulent Norman Schwarzkopfesque caricature, interrupts his push-ups to mention a trade-off in the works, which will involve destroying everything in place and backing out of a sweetener unless they build the much-needed "pressure reducer."
"I told them I get promoted for completing projects, which is sort of true, and that the plant wouldn't be operational until well after I was out of Iraq, which is definitely true, and that I wasn't going to go through with the nine-hundred-thousand-dollar open-air market one of the ministry guys' cousins is supposed to build for us if they keep cock-blocking us on water."
I stared at the major in awe. Initially, I had thought the man stupid. Now, I wasn't sure if Zima was brilliant or insane.
"But," I said, "we can't destroy a Sunni village . . ."
"It's okay," he said. "For now, we keep moving forward. The Sunnis aren't going to let overpressurized water destroy their homes. That'd be a silly thing to happen in the desert. They'll keep track of it, even if we don't."
Zima's confidence didn't reassure me. "Do they know about the pressure?" I said.
"No," he said. "But I put a reminder on my Outlook calendar for the week the BCT's scheduled to leave Iraq. It says, 'Tell Sheikh Abu Bakr that the pipes we built for him will make his house explode.'"
Baseball kits are flown in: "sports diplomacy" is the buzz "solution," it seems. Various congressmen, entrepreneurs (G G Goodwin, the "mattress king" — "It's like we say in the business. SUCCESS = DRIVE + DETERMINATION + MATRESSES.") and other assorted big-hitters back home are right behind instigating social change amongst the invaded Iraqis with a few bats and oversized replica shirts, and a few photos of the local kids playing ball will sell the war nicely. It's not about the future of Iraq: it's about justifying the war effort with contrived examples of empowerment (widow beekeeper foundations pointlessly tick numerous boxes in one fell swoop), cultural colonization and simple, unequivocally familiar and easily-digestible images, the attempted encapsulation of which is as crazed as it is troublingly funny.
"Tell him to swing," I said.
The kid swung as though he were using the bat to beat someone todeath, lifting it overhead and bringing it brutally down. I wanted to send that shot to G.G., but instead I showed the kid how to swing correctly and went back to taking photos. The timing was difficult, but after about twenty swings I got it perfect, the bat blurry, the batter's face pure concentration, and a look of worry from the catcher, as if the batter had just connected with a pitch. I turned the camera's display around and showed the picture to the Professor and the kids.
"Look at that," I said.
The Professor nodded. "There you are," he said. "Success."
The one fault I can find with that otherwise flawless piece is that it demands to run to novel length: there's so much there. It could easily be expanded to a similar page-count as Dave Eggers' A Hologram to See the King, which it favorably resembles, the witheringly disparate culture-confrontation here bearing many similarities.
The main strength of Redeployment is its overarching desire to interrogate the implicit and exacerbating fragilities of fraught relationships in which a colloquy is almost impossible (there's a memorable translator/professor in "Money as a Weapons System," himself deeply opposed to the U.S. presence but nonetheless their means of communication with nationals, who he also tends to be disdainful of . . .), and which are susceptible to endless complications, internecine wrangling and misunderstandings. The mire of miscommunication echoes and compounds the unquantifiable chaos and unceasing terror: here, not only IEDs and gunfire destroy. Nonsensical pet projects, misinterpretation, assumption, subjectivity, uncertainty and futility are all incalculable, potent factors amid the incessant carnage. The madness of war, a built-in element that can be overstated in fiction (as crazy as that sounds: in order to hit hard, the writer must weigh and measure elements that don't, in reality, yield to such apprehension), in which numbers become meaningless and an entire people become a hated entity (on both sides) with all shades of gray dialed-up to black or bomb-glared to white, must be difficult to encapsulate without resorting to cliché, over-familiar tropes or a certain kind of bruised ennui forming a prelude to mayhem. Phil Klay admirably provides us with an eclectic set of complex, believable characters, and brings off multiple voices that are empathetic and authentic. For a first collection it's supremely assured stuff.
Redeployment surely has every chance of winning the Frank O'Connor Short Story Award. It's up there with the best in war fiction (it's not Hemingway, Johnson, or Jones, but it's hardly cowed by such company) and is a considerable advance, for me, on Kevin Powers' The Yellow Birds, which felt a little over-polished and attenuated, a little glibly elegiac. The havoc here seems more real, the ranging vantage points more impressively and cumulatively disorienting and disquieting. The only iffy moments arrive when, using letters and emails to bestow a kind of sweeping authenticity in the otherwise powerful "Prayer in the Furnace," Klay becomes a little overwrought. A minor quibble, and a highly commendable collection.
By Lee Monks|2014-07-31T10:21:09-04:00July 30th, 2014|Categories: Phil Klay|Tags: Short Story|2 Comments
Max Cairnduff September 26, 2014 at 6:51 am
It does sound very good, though perhaps not what I'm currently in the mood for. Is it a first collection?
Lee Monks September 26, 2014 at 11:20 am
It's an excellent debut collection, yes. Really worth a look when the time is right.