text:
Submission Name: The Ugly One
Author: Jester_Gesture
ASL Info: 23/f
Words: 11850
Class/Type: Story/Romance
Bytes: 66680
Rick made some demands. So before I follow through, let me do some speculating. (I need lots of advice on this one, please. I love it as it is, but I'm open to suggestions on anything.)
Des: Rick made some demands. So before I follow through, let me do some speculating.
"Thank you, everyone," Jay said with a smile and a suave wave of his hand. "We'll be here for one more night! Tell all your friends to come see us, for it may be your last chance. Again, thank you and goodnight." His thumb hovered over the microphone switch.
"Remember to tip your waiters and waitresses," Meg whispered from the piano, nudging him with her pointed shoe.
"Oh! Remember to tip your waiters and waitresses." One more smile. Make eye contact with a few of the people. Turn off the microphone.
"Are you tired?" Meg asked with a smirk as she turned off her own mic and closed the piano. "You seem a little disoriented."
"Tired is the least of my problems, kiddo," Jay said. He loosened his tie. It was the red one, his favorite. It matched Meg's dress. Her favorite dress. His favorite tie. Their favorite outfit. He felt like dancing when they wore the color red, but so far he hadn�t had been given the opportunity.
"Is there something wrong?" The hem of her dress twirled as she picked up sheets of music he had discarded onto the marble stage.
"Hmm. I'm alright." He watched her, eyes transfixed on her momentous dress, the freckles on her ankles, the golden curl of hair brushing her cheek. "Here, let me put those away." He took the music from her hand and stuffed them thoughtlessly into the front pocket of a binder. He stared at it a moment. "Do you remember the trip to South Dakota after my senior year?" he asked quietly.
Meg glanced at Jay sideways and gave him a glossy smile. "Of course. Why?"
"I was just thinking about the songs we used to sing. �The Valley Song�. �My Heart Will Trust�. You know." He sighed. "Eh, it�s okay. You probably don't think about them that often. I mean, it�s been a while."
"Are you kidding?" she laughed and pulled her shoes off with a look of relief. "I will be loyal to those songs into my grave." She leaned up and kissed is cheek. "I'm going to bed. Get some rest, okay?"
Jay nodded his head as she turned towards the stairs. He watched as Meg stepped up quickly, her feet seeming to sigh as they hit the carpet. When they had first started this business, she complained about her feet a lot. But something had happened in the past year, something in the way she looked at him when she felt a twinge in her toes. He could see it in her eyes; something had changed.
He tucked the black music binder under his arm and after speaking briefly with the head of the hotel, headed up the stairs. His shining black shoes sounded padded and silent on the carpet. His right hand slid smoothly up the railing, though somewhat trembling. He turned to the left at the top of the stairway and was immediately greeted by the sound of Meg's voice. He paused at her door, listening hopefully for the song that had awakened his love for her voice so long ago. It wasn't there. He sighed somewhere between fatigue and disappointment and went to the next door, shuffling into his own room.
The binder was dropped just inside the door, which he didn't bother to lock behind him. He pulled off his tie, jacket and crisp collared shirt as he made his way to the bedroom. After collapsing onto the blankets, he managed to toe off his shoes before falling into an exhausted sleep.
Jay woke slowly, making many disgruntled noises on his way to the bathroom. He noticed the stitching from the comforter on the bed had left an imprint on his face and if he�d been feeling better he might have smiled at that. He shaved with great precision, feeling no hurry at all to start his day. He had noticed, after all, that it was barely six o�clock. The early-winter sun had yet to grace the city with it�s beams, so nothing was yet demanding him to be lively.
He put on a pot of coffee and leaned his bare stomach against the counter. His body began to absorb the smell of coffee and he sighed. He leaned further and pressed his forehead to the cupboard. The coffee dripped into the pot slowly, with deliberation, a steady song of tiny black plops followed by an angry sounding hiss. It was a beat that once upon a time could have been a desperate, slow acoustic song he would make up on the spot during a Thursday afternoon practice.
This morning had started just as all the others. Wake up slowly. Shave with a shaking fingers like a junkie. Make coffee and think about Meg. Day after day, morning after morning, show after show after show. When he was younger, he despised routines. He could never decide whether to show up to practice late or early, or sometimes he would completely forget about it. He mutilated classic tunes and made them jazzy or punk-rock, or sometimes he�d make them steady like a train�Karah and Meg would smile and say it sounded like a song from an old western. He loved mix ups. But he had gotten older. He and Meg had gone on the road. And though he was sure that every hotel was different, each lounge had a unique quality, he had moments where he wanted to bust out in a Johnny Cash song and scare the audience.
It had been so long since the routine was broken. Too many months without a moment of fear, a spark of spontaneity.
His body slowly slid to the kitchen floor and he leaned back against the cupboard. "Six years," he breathed into the darkness of the hotel room. It had been six long years since he'd asked her to do this with him. Do this. To come on the road with him. No, he didn't ask. He demanded. Straight out ordered her to do so, with details and plans and that cocky smirk glued to his features.
It had been sunny outside on the last day of that long trip. They sat in the soft green grass and watched the squirrels play in the trees. "You," he had said to her, pointing with a dirty finger, "You are going to do it with me."
"Do what?"
"When you turn twenty-one you're going to be a lounge singer with me. You're going to amp up your piano skills and we can travel the country." He paused to give her a beaming smile, and then a magnificent idea popped into his head and his eyes lit up. "In fact, I'll sit on the piano and sing. I'll even wear a dress. You can be the man! You can wear a suit!"
"Maybe. But I won�t be the man. And you�re not wearing a dress.�
�We can both wear dresses!�
�Well� maybe. But only if you're the ugly one." Meg tore at some blades of grass with her hands that were covered in dirt equal to his. She looked around at the others. Jay's girlfriend Melissa, the other singers Karah and Brianne. For a split second he thought maybe he'd made them uncomfortable but they all seemed to agree that Meg should join him.
"Maybe," she said. "We'll see."
And four years later she had said yes. He had been exhilarated. Finally, they would set out on the grand adventure. He and Melissa had broken up by then. Everyone in the core group of friends had graduated, and the band had dispersed after Meg and Karah started their internship. It seemed nothing was holding them back. 'The world is waiting for your voice,' he had told her, and it made her flash that adorable, nervous smile just like all the times he boasted and praised what a beautiful voice she had.
The coffee maker beeped softly on the counter above him and Jay pressed a hand to the tiles and hoisted himself up. He noticed vaguely that Meg was awake in her room, and singing loudly to wake herself up, as he poured a cup of coffee. It was an unfamiliar song, and yet it enticed him. His fingers suddenly itched for the steel strings of his guitar. How beautiful it would be to stand with her again on that quiet, simple stage back home in the church, their voices blending and dissolving into each other, yet still defined and genuine in themselves. The lights of the sanctuary would be brilliant and distracting, and they would complain about the heat. Microphone cords would be entangled with discarded music sheets at her bare feet and his bracelets would hang from the corner of a music stand. They would meet eyes in the middle of the song and he would revel in her harmonies.
Jay stared hopelessly into the swirling black depths of his coffee, his mind lingering on the image of him and Meg back home on the stage. She would wear her sandy colored hair down. She would have jeans on, and flip flops tossed to the floor. He would wear tennis shoes and sweatshirts and no one would want to take his picture when the show was over. They would laugh about the whole lounge idea, a subtle kind of laughter that bubbled with secrets. He would kiss her when she laughed.
There was the terrible sound of porcelain shattering as Jay pitched his mug at the kitchen wall. He stood staring at the coffee dripping down the pale yellow paint, his entire body practically vibrating with some frustrating, paralyzing emotion he couldn�t yet describe. It moved through him, boiling almost, setting every nerve on fire, and it escaped his lips in a broken whisper.
�I never kissed you.� He shook his head. �I wouldn�t. I won�t. Not now. Not after� I just�� He crumbled to the tiles with a soft thump. �Can�t.�
The door to his hotel opened somewhere behind him and Meg�s feet tumbled towards him. �Jay?� she called out. She barely caught sight of him on the kitchen floor. �Jay!� She took a moment to observe the situation. Porcelain shards everywhere. Coffee dripping down the wall. Jay in a puddle of distress on the floor. She tiptoed around the glass and knelt in front of him, resting a gentle hand on his raised knee. �Jay? What happened?�
He dropped the hands that had been covering his face. �Nothing,� he said shakily. �I�m fine. Don�t� don�t worry about it, kiddo.�
�Nothing did not happen here. But I can�t make you tell me.� She stroked his dark hair, her fingers brushing his scalp. �You don�t have to go through this alone, Jay. You shouldn�t do this alone. It�s so much easier to just� talk about it.�
A sad sort of laugh bubble from his throat. �I knew those words would come back to haunt me,� he said with a smile reminiscent of the trip so many years ago. �But I don�t think I should talk about it. Not yet at least.�
�Alright. If that�s what you want.� She stood up and offered him a hand. He took it, and they stood in the kitchen awkwardly, gazing with frustration at the mess he�d made.
Meg shrugged, took a wet washcloth and started on the wall. �Would you pick up the glass, Jay?� He did so silently, barely wincing when he pricked his fingers. The washcloth made a soft hollow sound as it rubbed against the bumpy wall. Porcelain fragments of the mug clinked and echoed as they fell into the metal trash bin.
When Meg was satisfied with their cleaning job, she shooed Jay over to the table and filled too fresh mugs with coffee. As she set the cups down, she noticed a deep sigh heave his shoulders. She sat down with a heavier heart than she�d been standing with. �Are you sure you�re alright, Jay?�
�Really, don�t worry about it.� He took a long drink, his nose buried within the edge of the mug. �You�ve had those pajamas forever, haven�t you?� he asked, daring to reach out and touch her striped knee.
�Since the year we went on the trip,� she said with a smile. �They�re comfortable. Remind me of home.�
�You�re going to kill me for this, but they really do make you look more relaxed, kid.�
Meg�s hands tightened around her hot cup. �You see why I wear them, then. So much better than say� a dress. Or perhaps a suit, maybe?�
�Alright, alright.� He took another sip, pondering something for a moment. A boyish grin split his face and he piped up, �I have an idea you won�t refuse.�
She scooted closer to him. �I�m listening.�
�Let�s go out today. We�re up early, we�ve got hours and hours of spare time. They don�t need us back here until five o�clock. We can go out in our pajamas. All day.�
Meg�s eyes widened and she nearly spilled her coffee. �It�s forty-five deg�.�
�I don�t care how cold it is.�
�You�re not wearing a shirt!�
�Alright, I care how cold it is. I�ll wear a shirt. Any other thoughts before I get my shoes?� He was almost falling out of his chair he was so excited.
�Jay, you�re insane. Is this going to end up like that tree fiasco with Aaron where you accidentally influence some young, na�ve people and cause a scandal?�
�Definitely not. But you have to admit that was really funny.� Jay stood up and took their cups to the kitchen. �Especially when Dennis said they had to re-root the tree, put it back in the ground and make it stay up somehow.� He chuckled lightly.
�Re-rooting a tree. Yes, it was funny. Now, go get some clothes on. I�ll be right back.�
As they traipsed around the city in their pajamas Jay suddenly felt like he was in a sappy romantic film with some pretty acoustic background music and there are out of focus clips of them smiling and him buying her flowers. He felt unusually happy, and he could tell she was having a great time too. They had breakfast and coffee at a small caf�, talking idly about the old days and their next stop on the road. Through the window they watched a man play his saxophone on a street corner for an hour. The sun came out eventually, but it didn�t get warmer, so they tried to stay moving as much as possible.
At lunch, they bought a sandwich, and ate together. They sat in a park with pigeons and fed them the bread crusts. There was an old fountain, complete with mildew stains from fallen leaves and evidence that many birds flocked around it to take baths. Meg tossed a penny in, her lips moving with an unheard wish. Jay regarded her silently, watching the way the soft wind played with her un-done hair, the sunlight dazzling her eyes. Her left hand moved idly through the water, catching on a leaf, making her own tiny ripples in the fountain already moving rapidly from the falling water.
Jay touched her arm. �Will you wait here?�
�Sure. Why?�
�I�m running back the hotel to get something,� he said as he stood. �Don�t move.�
She nodded, staring after him as he swiftly departed. And then she waited, staring in at the water, and beginning to shiver. Not twenty minutes later he was back, holding a guitar.
�Where did you get that?� Meg exclaimed, jumping up from her seat.
�There was a country band doing the afternoon show,� Jay replied with an exuberant grin.
�So you stole their guitar?� she said with a dumfounded look on her face.
�No, I borrowed it. I asked if they had an extra and they did, so I borrowed it.�
�But why?�
Jay didn�t say anything for a long moment. He gazed at her, almost unwilling to speak. Because I saw your beautiful eyes, he could say. Or maybe, You make me want to sing. He could even go as far to say, I love you. He pursed his lips, debating on the right words, or on whether he should use words at all.
�Jay? Are you alright?� She sighed. �Are you trying to tell me something without using words? Because�it�s not working that great.�
He was wishing that he had bought her flowers on the way back but his fingers strummed some fantastic chord and he was suddenly distracted. He kept playing, waiting for lyrics to come, opening and shutting his mouth hoping that something magical would happen and he would think of a song on the spot like he�d been able to in high school. He continued strumming, and the sound reverberated up his arms, moving higher in depth and density, the tune rising and falling with the beat of his heart, swarming in the air around him so that he couldn�t breathe, and he felt that if he swallowed he would taste the music.
�I have stood by your side for many years,� he sang softly, finding that his heart skipped a beat when the words escaped his body. �I have held your troubles, and soothed any fears. And when I�m with you the world doesn�t matter, doesn�t matter at all. Because together we rise. Together we fall.� He took a breath, still reeling at the fact that he still had this ability.
Meg looked stunned, and stepped backwards towards the fountain where she practically fell back onto the bench. She folded her arms around herself, fighting off cold or nausea she couldn�t tell.
�I have watched you come alive,� he began again. �And now I�m going to take a dive. I can hardly find words to say, how you have lead my heart astray, how you captured me and by the way�� His breath caught in his throat as she caught his eyes. �By the way� I think I love you�.� He strummed a moment more, letting the words sink into her, hoping they would sink the way two people in love embrace.
She had looked away by the time he stopped playing. It looked as though she were trembling, and he put the guitar down. �Meg�I�� He sat down next to her and put an arm around her shoulders. �Meg? Say something.� She seemed to lean into him for a moment, like she wanted to be closer. And then she was standing up, walking away, towards the entrance of the park.
�Meg! Come back here!� Jay went after her and grasped her wrist. �Meg? Is this really what you�re going to do? You�re just going to run away again?�
She pulled her wrist away. �I�m fine.�
�I know what you�re thinking, Meg.�
�You don�t know! You can�t know!� She paced in the grass, waving her hands with frustration. �You�re my friend, Jay. A very good friend. But you weren�t there. You don�t know.�
�You�re running away. Just like you ran away from all the others. But why?�
�Why what?�
�Why did you run away from them?�
�Them?�
�Joe. Alexander. Ben.�
�I don�t want to talk about it. I�m fine. You don�t know!�
�I know you, Meg.�
�I don�t want to talk about it.�
Jay sighed. �I know you don�t. But it�s like you said� it�s better to talk about it� you don�t have to go through this alone� Please, I just want to understand why. At least give me that.�
Meg paced the grassy floor, chewing on her lip, debating silently. And then, �Alright. I�ll tell you why. Joe was a pot-head, Jay. Everyone knew that. I�m not the only one who ran away.�
�He was comforting you, not trying to seduce you.�
Meg wrapped her arms around herself again. �I know that.�
�Alright, so what about Alexander?�
�He ran first. I just� you know� came tumbling after. Besides, he and I are friends now. Everything�s okay.�
�What about Ben?�
�He was a liar, he used me. Even you thought I should get away from him.�
�It�s true. You had good reason to run from him.� Jay pulled her towards him, gripping her shoulders gently. �But why me? Why are you running from me? I thought��
�What did you think, Jay? That I would forget what you said? That I would forget what you did, what we�re *doing*?� Meg�s voice broke and with it Jay�s heart. �I thought this would work, after Karah and I got back. I thought we could go on the road and that everything would be the same.�
�Meg, I�m sorry.�
She began walking again. �I�m going back to the hotel. Don�t forget the guitar.�
She took an extra long time preparing for the show. Jay kept hoping her mood would lighten, waiting to hear her singing through the walls. But she was quiet. His paranoid side came out then and her silence made him think maybe she�d drowned in the bathtub, been electrocuted, or kidnapped somehow. But at four-forty-five she was outside her hotel room, wearing a long, glittering black gown.
�I thought we were wearing blue,� Jay said, gesturing at his tie.
�Sorry. I forgot.� Her voice was rather subdued, as though she�d worn it out with silent sobs. He could see that she�d been crying by the puffiness around her eyes that she couldn�t manage to cover up. �I�ll get a blue sash. Or something,� she said, turning back into her room. �I�ll meet you downstairs.�
�Shouldn�t we go down together?�
�Just go!� she said roughly, tempted to slam the door in his face.
Jay walked down the stairway alone, his feet feeling heavy, though not as weighted as his heart. He found his hand shaking on the railing again. When he stepped down onto the stage, there was a spattering of applause, and he managed to give them a smile. He took the microphone, turned it on, and said with another smile, �Good evening, and welcome to this fine establishment. My name is Jay Hessinger, I�ll be singing for you tonight. My better half will be down in a minute.� There was some soft laughter. �You probably shouldn�t let her know that I called her my better half. Although, I think she already knows that I�m the ugly one.� More laughter, louder this time, and Jay looked over just in time to see Meg on the stairway, gripping the railing tightly, her eyes meeting his with such traumatic force he felt a chill go down his spine.
Meg stepped cautiously onto the stage, the short heels of her shoes clicking on the marble. Her gown flowed elegantly around her ankles, and a long, navy blue shawl hung loosely around her shoulders.
�And here she is, the lovely Megan Eytchison,� Jay continued, this time giving Meg his dazzling smile. �Meg will be singing for us tonight, as well as playing some magnificent piano.�
Meg plastered a smile on her face and sat down at the baby grand, her shaking fingers hovering above the keys. She jumped as Jay put a hand on her bare shoulder. �Will you be alright?� he whispered warily.
�I�m fine, Jay. Let�s just get this show over with.�
The evening seemed to drag on forever. The people applauded and some of them danced. Afternoon turned into evening and Jay could hear the fraught, yet subtle, sadness in Meg�s voice. She sounded terribly weary, and during some of their favorite songs he could almost hear her voice break with tears. Evening faded into night and the large window behind the stage displayed the starlit sky. And then it was eleven o�clock. Jay reminded the customers to tip their waiters and waitresses, and people scattered back to their homes and hotel rooms or the airport.
When it was over, Jay watched in dismay as Meg went straight to the bar. She hated alcohol. She didn�t even know how it affected her because she�d never had enough for it to do anything. Yet there she was, sitting with some colorful drink, the shawl slipping off her shoulders unevenly.
He approached the bar carefully and sat down next to her. She barely glanced at him before returning to the blended, icy contents of her glass.
�Meg?� She didn�t say anything. �Are we not talking now?�
�What�s there to talk about?� she retorted in a tired voice.
�I�� Jay took a breath. �I said I loved you, Meg. I meant it then and I mean it now. I know it would be a complete lie if you said you didn�t love me. I still don�t understand why you�re running away�why you�re rejecting me� when you feel the same.�
Meg�s shoulders shook with something between a sigh and a sob. �You knew what I was afraid of, Jay. Everyone knew. I talked about it all the time. But you wanted to go on the road anyways. You wanted it to be just me and you.�
�You said you didn�t have anything else to do. You said it sounded fun. Isn�t that why you said yes, Meg? Because you wanted to have some fun? I know you miss home, I know. I do too. But isn�t this worth it? A couple years from now, we�.�
�I don�t want to wait years. I already waited. And the thing I feared most happened. Do you remember us? All of us?� She clutched feebly at her shawl. �Unified. In everything. I never felt so loved in my life and I never, ever wanted that summer to end.� Jay could hear the tears in her voice, could see them threatening in her sea-like eyes. �Don�t you understand what they meant to me? What you, and I, and all of them meant to everyone. You didn�t have to make us special. You didn�t have to say, �Let�s go on the road and be different.��
�I thought you wanted to be different.�
�That�s why Karah and I did that internship. And we�re different now, I guess. But we didn�t have to become all high and mighty to be different. You wanted to do this. And now we�re � separated.�
�Separated.�
�Set apart. Secluded. We�re just separated.� She sighed again, and this time the tears let loose down her cheeks. �They were my life, Jay. Karah and Brianne� Aaron� Ray� David� all of them, Jay. The ones I haven�t named, even. Didn�t you love them, too?�
�Of course I did. I loved them just as much as you. I just� didn�t think about the separation, I guess.� Jay sighed and called for a beer. The glass came, and he cupped his hands around it and tried to think of something he could say to make things better. He nursed his beer hopelessly, and Meg turned her face away from him.
�Well, we�ll be pretty close to home tomorrow night,� he said eventually, hoping it was enough.
Meg turned back to him sharply, her hair flipping brilliantly in the soft light of the bar. �I don�t want to be *close* to home! I want to be home.� Tears flowed anew, and her lower lip trembled. �I want to dance in the street with Karah. I want to make cupcakes with Mia. I want to laugh with Andrea. I want to have a jam session with Ray and David. I want to hear their voices, see their faces, feel their arms around me.� She slid down from the stool and immediately tripped, crumbling to the floor.
The fall triggered something in her, and she began to sob uncontrollably. Jay flew from his seat and reached out, but she pushed at him weakly. �Leave me alone!�
�Meg, please just let me�.�
�Let you what!� she exclaimed between sobs. �Let you ruin something else in my life? Well, you can�t! There�s nothing left to ruin! It�s too late!� She pulled off her shoes and after she had managed to stand up, threw them at him. �It�s too late!�
�Too late for what, Meg?� Jay asked, his arms still reaching towards her. His hands were shaking, and he felt that at any moment he was going to break into a million pieces.
�It�s too late to fix this. They�re gone. Everything is gone. I don�t have a home anymore. There�s nothing left.�
Jay took her by the shoulders again, and despite her struggles, somehow trapped her against his chest. �Shh, that�s not true.� She twisted and turned, trying to escape. But she was so tired, so exhausted from lack of sleep and one of the longest days of her life put together. She gave up and rested her forehead on his shoulder. Jay wondered idly what scent she was wearing, before he realized she was probably going to pass out at any second, and gripped her tighter. Around him, the hotel was quieting down. All the people watching the show were gone. The bartender was in back, doing inventory or something else in solitude. They were alone in the giant lobby of the hotel, a jaded couple so completely attached but hating each other in the same breath.
He felt her falling, and deftly swung her legs up, carrying her like a small child, her head still resting on his shoulder. �Meg, you alright?� She mumbled something incoherent, and he headed towards the stairway. He left her shoes in the middle of the floor.
Later, she was sleeping in his bed, the comforter folded over her body, over the glittery black gown and her tousled hair, over her tear-stained face and her fearful, broken heart. Jay sat beside her, looking with adoration and concern at her sleeping form. He had discarded his shoes, his jacket, his tie. The sleeves of his starched, white, collared shirt were rolled up to his elbows, and he�d undone the first few buttons. Gazing down at Meg, he felt at peace for the first time in weeks. And yet, the things she had said to him after he confessed his feelings for her had really gotten under his skin.
He did miss them all, he realized, while fiddling with the corner of one pillow. He too wanted to laugh with them, hear their voices, feel the touch of a familiar hand. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was letting himself feel guilty for separating Meg from the people that had brought her to life. He felt as though he�d let her fade, he let her brilliance and love for life simply dissolve into the background of an artist�s busy life.
But was she right about going home? Was it too late? Had her worst fears come true? It was possible that they didn�t even have friends at home anymore. Maybe they didn�t even have a home. He thought of something she�d said once, about how after the trip she realized that her house wasn�t her home. Her home was with those she loved, with those whom she felt secure and happy with. He recalled slightly his own room being an alien place, and how when she had made that comment he felt the first spark of love for her.
It took him three seconds to cross the room to the telephone. He dialed their manager�s number with slow fingers, praying that the man was awake. �Hi, Mark? Yeah, it�s Jay. Sorry if I woke you. Yeah, um, could you do something for me? Cancel our next couple shows, any in the next month. Yeah, something�s come up. Yeah. And one more thing� get us the next flight home.�
Meg was still slightly delirious in the morning. She mumbled something about being able to perform at the show that night, but Jay didn�t say anything about the tickets. She explained in hushed stutters that she was having a panic attack and it would go away eventually. Jay wasn�t exactly satisfied with that but it appeared there really wasn�t anything he could do to speed up her recovery. She managed to get into her pajamas by herself, deciding they were the most comfortable thing to wear while traveling and that she didn�t need his help. He assisted her in packing up her bags�after which he hastily packed his own things without bothering to fold anything. When the time came, he called one of the hotel workers to take their bags down to the lobby and he carried her down the stairs. She didn�t resist. And he appreciated that.
The taxi ride to the airpot was long because of traffic and Meg took a nap on Jay�s shoulder. He stared down at her blond head, smelling her gorgeous hair, breathing in the fact that this might be the closest he�ll ever get this closer to her again.
When they arrived at the airport Meg was still asleep. Jay was lifting her out of the taxi when she awoke suddenly and insisted that she be put down. He did so, and she managed to walk into the airport before she realized just how many people she was surrounded by. She put a hand to her forehead and hid her eyes from the crowds.
�Here,� Jay said softly, pulling her against him. �Just walk with me, you�ll be fine.� She walked stiffly beside him as they piled their bags onto a cart and made their way to an elevator. They checked in their bags, Jay thinking wistfully, as he always did before flights, that he really should carry a guitar with him. Getting through the security lines was a slight trauma for Meg since she had to go through alone�they made her take her shoes off, and her fingers shook so much she almost started crying.
By the time they boarded the plane Meg was near the state she had been in the previous night and trembled silently against Jay�s shoulder. Jay sang to her quietly, warily, afraid she would object to his coddling or that someone would walk by and hear him. It was a rather silly thought he had, to be embarrassed that someone would hear him, but he became nervous about singing when he wasn�t on stage.
After the plane took off, Meg seemed to calm down a bit. She turned towards her window, breathing deeply, attempting to compose herself. She watched the clouds move past them in an eternal race around the earth. The ground slowly descended from sight and they moved into the foggy oblivion above. Jay watched with her, and watched her, until she fell asleep.
He didn�t feel as though he could just watch her the entire trip�not that he didn�t want to�so he glanced around for something to do. He hadn�t brought a book to read and he�d read the pamphlets in the seat pockets enough times to become a flight attendant. Looking towards his feet, he noticed Meg�s purse. Jay hesitated a moment before picking it up. The cotton handle was smooth and worn under his fingertips. He remembered idly her telling him that she�d made the purse. She bought the fabric, and without a pattern even, sewed together the pieces. He reached inside, touching first her camera, and then a tube of chapstick, and when he landed on her wallet he decided it was probably the safest thing to explore. He removed the wallet and opened it. There were a few twenties in it, a drivers license, membership cards to bookstores and Costco. And on the left flap there was a rather thick plastic photo holder. It took a bit of work to get it out of the wallet, but he managed.
The first picture was one he recognized. It was a studio picture they had taken together, in their favorite outfit, the red colors slightly blinding. But along with that brilliance it seemed to be a cautious color, warning against becoming too bright. It was such an odd picture. She was sitting at the piano, her gloved hands pretending to play at the keys, while he lounged on top of the piano. He remembered how he didn�t know where to put his feet�he was too tall for the piano.
He flipped the picture, and was surprised to see a picture of an old friend, Daniel. His dark chocolate hair was plastered to his forehead and, with a daring look in his eye, he gazed towards Meg�s all-seeing lens and blew bubbles out of a yellow bubble wand. His eyes had changed so in the few years that Jay had known him. Meg had influenced him greatly towards a more peaceful living�he had done away with trying to just be the funny guy and had realized just how much he cared about people.
The third picture was of Meg and Karah. It was a self taken photo, Jay could tell. He had often seen Meg reach out one arm, angling their faces towards the camera, smiling in a happy, thoughtless pose. After that came pictures of her family, and more pictures of the girls, all dazzling and silly. And then there were the boys, with their hands holding up precious guitars and their eyes alight with a musician�s high. There were photos of children from their long trip, and of sunsets and memories. And finally, at the very back, he found a picture of himself.
It was the second morning of the trip. The morning they had all climbed from their beds with heavy hearts and bruised spirits. It was a cold 88� as well, which was odd for South Dakota. He and Meg had donned their gray sweatshirts. Not matching, just gray, and warm like home. They caught eyes before the day started, saying silently, �We�ll be alright.� In the picture, the cuffs of his sweatshirt were brushing his knuckles as his hands moved frantically, strumming the chords of �My Heart Will Trust.� The children had watched. Meg sung that song with every piece of her heart and he could almost feel it breaking while looking at the picture she had taken. The image brought tears to his eyes. He took a deep breath. It was so long ago. The memory seemed fragmented, lost among a thousand thoughts and ideas and a million memories. His fingers itched suddenly for that old guitar and his tongue was dry for the words of Meg�s favorite song.
Meg slept the entire trip. She woke up momentarily, whispering that she would feel better after a nice long nap. She�d already taken several long naps but Jay didn�t mention it. When they arrived at the next airport, Jay half-carried her out. She didn�t see the signs telling her she was back home, any of the signals that might give away the fact that Jay had given up his pride. People would stop him, saying in gossipy voices, �Is she alright? Do you need some help?� Eventually he let someone get them a wheelchair and after that people left him alone. He headed to the baggage claim. He was reaching out for Meg�s suitcase, when another hand bumped into his, and to his surprise, there stood Mark, their long-time friend and agent.
�Mark, what are you doing here?� Jay asked in exhausted tones, forgetting about the suitcase. �I mean, I know I told you we were going home, but��
Mark smiled. �You sounded a little distressed on the phone. I decided to meet you here, just to be sure you were alright.�
�Oh, we�re alright. I mean, I�m alright. And Meg�s alright. But� we aren�t really. Do you know what I mean?� Jay sighed. �I�m sorry. Never mind.�
Mark smiled again, though there was a spark of confusion in his eyes.� I�d like it if you let me take you guys� wherever it is you�re going.� Mark held out a hand, reaching for the suitcase that had come around the belt again. His warm brown eyes held a sort of sympathy that Jay hadn�t always appreciated.
�That�s fine,� Jay said after a long pause. �Meg really needs to get home.�
�Looks like it. She okay?�
�It�s� a long story. I may tell you eventually. But for now, let�s just get going.�
The car ride back to Meg�s long-empty apartment was tedious and gave Jay�s legs a nervous twitch. He kept glancing at her sleeping form next to him, wondering what her reaction would be when she woke up and saw that she was home. She had to accept it. Maybe she wouldn�t accept his apologies, or even his love, but she had to accept the fact that he�d given her what she wanted. She wanted to come home, and he�d respected her wishes. It occurred to him suddenly that their relationship was most likely over. Their life on the road was no more. It hurt, but it felt like the right thing.
Sitting in the car in front of Meg�s apartment, Jay hesitantly woke Meg. She lifted her head from the back of the seat, wincing at the crick in her neck, and stared up at him blearily. �Jay?�
He said mostly nothing. He helped her out of the car, took her suitcase up to her front steps. She followed blindly, looking at the ground, one hand wrapped tightly around his elbow. And then she looked up at a very familiar door. �Oh, Jay�� She held her hands over her mouth, tears coming to her eyes.
The darkness of the evening was consuming Jay. It crawled under the hood of his sweatshirt and made the tips of his fingers grow numb. He dropped Meg�s suitcase on the step and stood there awkwardly for a moment, before finding his hands resting on her shoulders. He considered kissing her. She looked so delicate, and fragile, like that woeful morning of the South Dakota trip, when they met eyes in the sunrise calmness.
But then Meg caught his gaze. And she wanted to say, �What have you done?� And she asked herself, �What have I done?� But no words escaped her lips. She was silenced by the pain and desolation she found in Jay�s eyes. He was pale, shaking, his hands trembling on her shoulders. She was flung into memories of South Dakota, of the trip home. A clear image of Jay crying broke her heart for the thousandth time. He had stood, unflinching, quivering with fear and an ache that was still left unspoken. And he had said in a tremulous voice, �It�s so much better to just� talk about it. Tell someone. You shouldn�t have to go through things alone. It�s just easier�to talk about it�� And there he was again, she thought, coming back to the present. There he was, standing in such brokenness it seemed it was a form of confession. She had known he was broken so long, had witness those slight encounters with his tears, had shared frail moments of vulnerability.
A shaky breath escaped his lungs. �I don�t think I�ll see you again, Meg. I�m sorry.� He flung himself down the stairs and back towards Mark�s car, ignoring Meg�s weak pleas for an explanation.
For the next several months, Jay found himself existing in complete solitude. He lived in coffee and Fritos, eating well only when he was invited to dinner at his parents� place. Mark called him often, setting up solo shows for him at local coffee shops and lounges. He attended a few, but performing without Meg felt so deliberately cruel, almost like a punishment he�d given himself.
One day in early December, winter swept in with a torrent of fog and ice. Jay had not left his house in several days, and had the sudden impulse to go to Starbucks. He put on his gray sweatshirt, grabbed his guitar, and drove a few miles down the road to a shopping center. He parked, and gazed solemnly towards the grocery store.
He entered the store first, his feet demanding an explanation for their return to such a place. The customers inside were slightly frantic, buying tubs of hot cocoa mix and apple cider, breathing into their fists. Children pointed longingly at balloons and cookies, or some other meaningless toy at the checkout line. He continued walking, slowly, feeling more and more panicked with every step.
To his left, he could see the lounge of the grocery store, where a few tables were set up, with chairs, and an imitation fireplace. His feet protested, but he veered towards the lounge. It had been so long ago that he had graced those chairs with his presence. So long since he had sat with the others there, laughing and conversing about things that people never expected teenagers to say. They had been complimented many times by adults eating there.
He dropped into one of the chairs and ran his numb fingers across the plastic topped table. And then it hit him. The conversation they�d all had with Meg over six years ago. They sat in the darkness of the lounge, briefly looking towards the window for rides home, their hands twisted in grocery bags and lips pursed around water bottles. �I am� terrified�� she had begun. �Terrified that this will end. That after we graduate, when we�re gone, nothing will be left. And we will become what we have been trying to escape. This unity we have fought so hard for will be meaningless. Are we going to let that happen?� The look on Meg�s face was haunted, her lips parted with a breath of fear.
�Jay? Is that you?�
Jay looked up tentatively, worried that it would be Meg and he would have to face the fact that he now remembered how he had failed her. But it wasn�t Meg.
�Ben.� Jay said harshly, his fingers tightening on the edge of the table. �What are you doing here?�
�Oh, I still live in town.� Ben nodded at him with that condescending expression. His light colored eyes were hidden by dark wavy locks of greasy hair. His arms were wrapped around a plastic bag full of candles, though his bony arms could be mistaken for candles as well were it not for the fact that his skin was still half-a-shade darker than white. He had grown so thin that his shoes looked like they didn�t fit around his ankles.
�I figured. But what are you doing?� Jay was fighting the urge to get up and strangle the man, rip out his poorly-grown beard, and break all his candles.
�Oh, didn�t you hear? I started the New Life Monastery a couple miles out of the city limits. It�s kind of secluded, you probably haven�t seen it.�
�Monastery?�
�Don�t you remember? I�m a Buddhist.�
And then Jay remembered. He remembered those spring afternoons Meg spent avoiding her cell phone, avoiding talking about what happened. Ben had lied to her about his religious choices, lied about why he was going out with her, had used her until there was nothing left to take. And then, when she opened up about what had occurred, Ben lashed out at her and threatened to tell her secrets.
Jay had no control of his next course of action. Something stirred in him, something that smelled like fire and boiled like blood. The earth seemed to turn and twist at his feet as he sprung from his seat, topping the chair to the floor, and the last thing he remembered was knocking the bag of candles from Ben�s scrawny arms.
An hour or so later, Jay found himself sitting in the pavilion outside Starbucks, strumming on his guitar. His fingers were shaking. Something on his head was throbbing. He was slightly aware of the fact that his lips were numb, and so were his hands. His rear end had practically frozen to the cement bench he was so cold. The notes flowed numbly from his guitar, not warming his fingers or his heart.
The city was mostly empty. There were mothers and small children grocery shopping, and the regulars at the Starbucks. The few people that did walk about were bundled up to their noses, almost faceless within their scarves and hats, hidden from the dreaded cold. Jay asked himself why he hadn�t thought to dress warmer, and then decided he didn�t deserve to be warm.
He realized vaguely that he had stopped playing. He was fading in and out of consciousness, noticing the parts of his body that had finally given up feeling. And then he heard a voice calling his name. It was a voice he didn�t like to hear shout. He couldn�t understand why, and forgot about it. Perhaps it was God, calling him home, ending his misery once and for all. The voice became louder, and just when he thought he would see the light, he felt a hand on his shoulder.
�Jay? What happened?�
Jay looked up blearily and gave a weak smile. �Hey, Dennis.�
�What happened?� Dennis asked again, faintly touching the bruises on the young man�s face. �Aren�t you cold?�
�I�m fine,� Jay replied with a giggle. Something terrible like madness was rising out of him. It might not be so bad, he thought to himself. It might be so horrible to be crazy and frozen, to lose myself. He barely noticed that the guitar was being plied from his hands, that Dennis was helping into the Starbucks, ordering some coffee.
When he looked down, his hands were wrapped around a hot cup of coffee and the madness that had struck him suddenly was gone. He took a deep breath. �I�m okay.�
�I�m not so sure about that,� Dennis chucked into his own coffee cup. Jay looked up towards him, grasping for the first time who it was sitting in front of him. Dennis. Old friend. Youth leader. Guide through some of his darkest days. He noticed with a tinge of guilt and admiration that Dennis� hairline had receded, and his curls had gone a lighter shade of gray. �So, are you going to tell me what you ran into with your face?�
�Oh,� Jay said softly, wincing. �I ran into Ben. You know��
�Yes, I remember Ben.�
Jay nodded. And waited for Dennis to ask him what had happened. He regarded him expectantly, his eyes tensing when there was no question to his statement. And then he remembered. Dennis didn�t start conversations with questions. He waited for confessions, mostly. If he did ask a question, he asked for permission first. It was his way of trusting his youthful friends, and letting them trust him. Jay smiled slightly. �I�m not really sure what happened.�
�Not yet. But let�s start off at the beginning. Since when did you start hanging out in this area again?�
�Couple months. Meg and I� had a falling out, I guess. I took her home. I�m not really sure what she�s doing now but�I have to be honest� I�m miserable.�
�I can tell. I would ask you what the fight was about, but I have to tell you that I�ve already seen Meg.�
�You have? When?�
�Here. Or the church. She misses you. I�m going to assume you miss her as well by your mental�and physical�state at the moment.�
�Oh right. I was going to tell you about that.�
�Go right ahead. Let�s start with the miserable part. This morning.�
�I woke up. I saw the fog. I went to the grocery store. And I� I started remembering things. I remembered the lounge talks and how terrified Meg had been that this disparity would happen. I saw Ben. And I remembered� I don�t know, I just remembered Meg, and he made me angry.�
�Ben�s not very strong, Jay,� Dennis said with a grin. �What did he hit you with?�
�Bag of candles,� Jay sighed and took a deep drink of his coffee. �Eventually, after I, you know, managed to stand up again, I decked him a couple good ones. He kicked me. And after he hit me with the candles again, I didn�t get up. I mean, I was awake. But he started talking so I listened.�
�I take it he gave up the fight?�
�He said he was a peaceful person so he wouldn�t press charges. Then he left.�
Dennis shook his head and laughed softly. �He never did know how to make a good exit. Interesting, to say the least, but never very well done.�
�It�s true.�
There was a silence there. Jay wasn�t sure if the conversation had ended, or if Dennis was waiting for him to choke up some more information. He bit his lip, and then, �I do miss Meg.�
�Then why, may I ask, are you working so hard to stay out of her life?�
�I ruined her life!� Jay said with frustration. �You talked to her, Dennis. She� missed everything. I took her away from the unity everybody shared, and from the church, and from basically everyone but me. I mean, I can use the excuse that I just loved her so much, and I could tell you about all the fun we had and how beautiful life seemed. But I took away pieces of the girl I loved in so many ways I don�t think she can love me anymore. I don�t know if that was selfish or thoughtless but either way I don�t deserve to be with her in any fashion. She can�t still love me, Dennis. She can�t.�
�That�s what you�ve led yourself to believe, and I won�t stop you. Yet.� The old man gave him a devious grin. �But let me ask you another question. Why did you break up with Melissa before you left?�
�Well, I was going to leave, and��
�You�ve left before. For long periods of time, too. What was so special about this?�
Jay inclined his head slightly, baffled. �You can�t be serious.�
�You could have broken it off with Melissa any time. What was it that made you do it the day before you left? It sure got the rest of us talking.�
�I don�t know, okay! I didn�t� love her anymore? Maybe?� Jay stood up and paced the area around their table. �I was leaving indefinitely, Dennis. Meg and I were gone for two years, and I don�t think that would have worked if I was still attached back here. We would have had to come so often. That makes sense, doesn�t it?�
Dennis nodded. He stood and walked back to the counter to order himself another black coffee, leaving Jay waiting in confusion for a few minutes. And there was something in his eyes stirring, something that was all-encompassing to Jay�s dilemma. When he returned, Jay had sat down again.
Dennis took a sip of his coffee, looking at Jay over its lid. And then he said cautiously, �What if that attachment could have saved Meg?�
It was something Jay hadn�t considered. What if that had saved Meg? What if coming home more frequently could have kept her from losing the unity she had lived for? She never would have been angry with him. Then again, she might have fallen in love with him even more so, and Jay had a hunch that Melissa might not like that. But Meg had hidden it. She had kept the truth from him for at least two years, she could have kept it longer if Jay was still with Melissa.
�I could have saved her,� he mumbled. �But I would have been a liar.�
�A liar?�
�I stopped loving Melissa long before I left,� Jay said heavily, tones of guilt overriding the shock of his confession.
�I know.� Dennis smiled.
Jay laughed suddenly. �You know, I used to watch you talk to Meg, and you would get this look on your face like you knew exactly how she was feeling, knew exactly what she was going to say next. And you just did it to me. But how did you know?�
�Jay, I don�t want to be clich� with you because you�re not fifteen anymore. But sometimes you can be in love with a person and be unaware for a lifetime. I may be hard to believe but you started loving Meg the day you made her the harmony girl. She could have gone the rest of her life thinking she was mediocre but the fact that you made her stand out among your millions of friends� that is what changed everything.� Dennis stroked his beard idly, still smiling. �It would make sense for you to say that you broke up with Melissa because it would make your career chaotic. But what I saw in the actions you took was an attempt to get under Meg�s skin.�
�I guess�yeah. That makes sense.�
�Good. I�m glad you agree. Do you think you�re ready to talk to her then? Let her forgive you?�
There was a twinge in Jay�s chest and a stream of bitter remarks flooded his mind. He had to escape the conversation. He had to go home and put ice on his face. He wanted a hot shower. He wanted to sleep and never wake up. He wanted to turn back time. He wanted anything but what he had done and where he was and who he had made himself. �I�m sorry, Dennis. I have to go.�
Later in December, Jay was still unwilling to talk to Meg. He had spent most of that month trying to decipher his muddled thoughts�thoughts of Meg, of what Dennis had said to him, and of his own guilt. He spent a great deal of his time at Starbucks, writing out his thoughts in song or simply moping around. Mark had set him up with numerous holiday shows and he let them occupy his mind for a few hours a week. Playing the guitar managed to make him feel better most of the time, and he�d learned to appreciate that false contentment.
He was sitting in the Starbucks across from the church on Christmas Eve. It was evening, but still he sat out in the darkness, his gloved fingers strumming lightly on his guitar. Snow fell softly on the little town, powdering the tops of cars and the roofs of houses. He could faintly hear singing from the church. The Christmas hymns rose from its brick walls with such a familiar exuberance. Down the street, a small cluster of people were singing a dreary Christmas carol in front of the Walgreen�s. He thought of how odd it would be for him to just walk into the church and start singing with his old friends. Oh, they would talk, surely. He hadn�t been to church since he and Meg returned home, and before that� he couldn�t remember when. The people would say he wasn�t worthy to come in with them. Would whisper behind his back about what had he been doing with his life, and what he had done to Meg. He hadn�t had contact with any of them in too long, it wasn�t as though they were still his friends.
It was then that Jay realized how lonely he had made himself. It was Christmas Eve, and he was spending alone in the snow. He hadn�t bought presents for any of his friends�not that he had even spoken to them. He had slightly avoided his parents and his little brother and sister. He could scarcely remember the last time he smiled. Again he thought of what would happen if he just went over to the church. The red, green, blue and yellow lights flashing around the roof were comforting. Then again, those same lights were strung from a thousand other buildings. He tried desperately to think of the church as �just another building.� If he didn�t make it special, it wouldn�t be so horrible to go inside.
A flash of red streaked across the highway. �Jaywalking?� he said aloud with numb lips, his mouth dry. He took a sip of his coffee, though it had been cold for quite some time. Whoever it was, he probably didn�t know them, didn�t want to talk to them about why he was experiencing such deathly solitude on the eve of the greatest birth.
And then, before he could protest fate, before he could run from reality and hide from the moment, there was a voice hovering close to him. He stared down at a pair of very pointy black shoes. Then the hem of a red dress. And two small, callused hands clasped together. He glanced over an antique pearl necklace, skipped up to a pair of stormy blue eyes, and went back down to gaze at a perfect mouth, saying his name.
�Jay? I� Can I�?� Jay remembered vaguely that Meg was rarely speechless. He also remembered the guilt weighing him down into his seat, and scowled inwardly.
�Meg.� He tilted his head and for the first time took a good look at her entire face. She had not changed. Much. But there was a deep sorrow in her eyes, something fathomless and still unspoken, like a secret that everyone knows but no one dares to speak for fear it will become tangible.
�Jay, we need you over there.� So the statement was out. She hadn�t come just for him. It was �we� needed Jay. Over �there�. �They� needed him. Not Meg.
�For what?�
�It�s Christmas Eve, Jay. And we�re singing. And some of us thought maybe you�d�I thought�� Her breath rose in front of her face, cloudy and mocking, and she shivered hopelessly.
�I can�t.�
�Don�t say that.� There was a flash of anger in her voice. And then, �But why?�
Jay lowered his eyes. �I just can�t. You know why.�
A silence invaded the dark space between them. Jay could feel it like the snow, could taste it like coffee on his tongue, saw it just as clearly as the pain in Meg�s eyes. He broke it, whispering, �I�m sorry.�
�I don�t even understand what you�re sorry for, Jay. I don�t understand� What happened to you?� She sat down next to him on the bench, and he couldn�t help but smile at the way her dress twirled and ruffled around her legs.
�Just what you said would happen,� Jay said in voiced tainted with bitterness, but he wasn�t sure if it was towards himself or Meg.
�What could I have possibly said that would make you decide to leave my life completely? What have I said that made you think that after you took me home, I didn�t want to be around you anymore?�
Jay took a long time answering. He tried not to be distracted by the fact that she was actually there, sitting next to him, speaking to him. He tried to ignore the way the snow made her look angelic and that when her skin flushed from the cold, the endearing freckles on her arms were much more defined.
�You said I had to be the ugly one.�
�I did?� Meg took a breath to think. But it all came back to her. South Dakota. Dirt under her fingernails. Feeding squirrels in the grass. The wild, uninhibited look in Jay�s eyes. �I did. But this isn�t what I meant. Are you trying to tell me that you feel like you don�t deserve me? Because�� Her voice broke.
�Yes, that�s what I�m trying to tell you!� He stood up and began pacing the concrete. �You made me the ugly one, Meg. You let me keep you from home. You didn�t say anything. I don�t know why you wouldn�t say anything but you just didn�t. And that makes me the bad guy, I suppose.� He shook his head. �As though you�re perfect!�
�No, I�m not. Did it ever occur to you that I�m the one at fault here?�
�Oh, and how? By letting me take you away from everything you loved? By being so damn nice about everything that you didn�t want to tell me I was wrong?�
�No, you don�t get it. I made myself the ugly one because�� Her voice broke again, and she took a breath. �Because I made you the ugly one. I blamed it all on you. And that�s not fair. You keep saying that you don�t deserve me, you think that it�s all your fault, but you have to understand that I�m human too!� She closed her eyes and a few tears slipped down her cheeks. �I�m human too. I�m just as guilty. I have just as many flaws.� She opened her eyes again, and there within them a sort of reflective epiphany came to light. �I�m not perfect! And I shouldn�t have made you the guilty one.�
Jay sighed, noticing his own throat constricting with emotion. �And I should not have made you the innocent one,� he said softly. "Meg, I�.�
�I love you, Jay,� she said in a slightly haunted voice. She stared up at him through the intensifying snow, through the downtown lamplights, the fog-thick breaths of winter, and the clear holiday melodies from the church. It was the look of desperation, the sound of hope and joy. It was the most beautiful thing, she was the most beautiful thing, that he had ever seen.
He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to hold her and forgive himself and forgive her and forgive the world for being so broken. He was completely lost in her over-bright eyes, and he felt that if he could simply drown in her, the brokenness of the world would be alright with him. He would forget all his struggles and every stab of pain if he could simply be consumed by her.
Instead, he grasped her hand tightly and they sprinted back across the street to the church, smiling and anxious. He paid no attention to the awkward glances his way as they stepped frantically down the aisles, and ignored the whispers of shock and inquisition as he did a quick sound check on his guitar and his microphone. It did not occur to him that he didn�t know what to play. The words would return to him, the chords would flee his fingers in acoustic jubilance like they had so long ago. The familiar stage welcomed his booted feet and the microphone was no stranger to his frozen lips.
Meg sat down at the piano and watched him as he stared out into the audience. He had glanced at the music in front of him, and already she could see his hands gripping the neck of his guitar, anxious to play. Behind them, Ray held his bass with a tense impatience, and David rested his cheek against his microphone, his hands sliding around his guitar strap awkwardly. They were nervous, and slightly irritated, but the excitement buzzing around Jay made them seem shallow.
She began. Her fingers flew across the keys with a serene, surreal effect. Her cheeks still flushed, she breathed out roughly before the words left her lips. Her favorite Christmas song began to fill the air as Jay and David came in on guitar, then Ray came in, slowly building the rhythm. Her heart wanted to pound out of her chest. She couldn�t believe she was here, couldn�t believe that Jay was there on the stage, couldn�t remember the last time they had shared this stage. He seemed to sense the tension of the moment and, keeping his lips on the side of the microphone, turned to look at her.
And she realized, he had done that before. Years ago. A lifetime ago. In a very estranged world, when they were younger, different people. Still he had twisted his body at that angle, had held her gaze with such desperation, marveling, and wondering. She smiled at him through the lyrics, lips trembling, finding that the flush in her cheeks increased and the piano felt very far away. She was unaware of the whistling wind outside, rushing up against the bricks, pushing the snowdrifts into flurries and pressing the flakes to windows and walls. All she knew in that minute was how blind she had been to the beauty of the journey she had taken with Jay.
The lights flickered, the sanctuary filled darkness for a moment that stretched an eternity, causing Meg�s heart to flutter. When the lights returned, she realized she had stopped playing. It caused a sudden burst of shaking laughter, tears of hysteria rolling down her cheeks. The song was definitely over, as was the Christmas Eve service, because the emotions roiling out of her weren�t going to let her focus for a few more hours. Just the past half an hour was certainly causing a slight degree of panic, what with the sudden shock of singing with Jay again, and there was definitely the fact that she was falling for Jay all over again.
Jay turned back to her as the lights flickered back on, and something inside him came alive when he saw her eruptive laughter. He moved the two feet towards her, bent slightly, and with a breath that took an eon to escape, he kissed her laughing lips.
Wow, it's been a long time since I've been on here. This was good. Sweet. Entertaining. It's funny for me to read it because I know of the true stories and people who inspired the story and its characters. I'll talk to you later.
| Posted on 2007-07-09 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
So, I've read this one a few times already, but I haven't really been able to comment on it. It's hard, because all of the words I would use to describe your prose are so clich�.
Amazing. Unfailingly honest. Stunningly beautiful.
What can I say? Is a metaphor even sufficient? You arrange words as you would the tiles in a kaleidescopic stained-glass mosaic, and your heart shines through them like the sun at dawn.
| Posted on 2007-01-29 00:00:00 | by Aaron Felix | [ Reply to This ]


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Home | Say NO! To War | Action! | Information | Media Center | Who We Are
How It May Soon Be Possible to Prosecute War as a Crime
January 3rd, 2018 - by admin
David Swanson / World Beyond War & Thomas Knapp / AntiWar.com – 2018-01-03 19:37:46
How It Could Finally Be Possible to Prosecute War as a Crime
How It Could Finally Be Possible
To Prosecute War as a Crime
David Swanson / World Beyond War
(December 27, 2018) — War is a crime. The International Criminal Court has just announced that it will finally treat it as a crime, sort-of, kind-of. But how can war's status as a crime effectively deter the world's leading war-maker from threatening and launching more wars, large and small? How can laws against war actually be put to use? How can the ICC's announcement be made into something more than a pretense?
The Kellogg-Briand Pact made war a crime in 1928, and various atrocities became criminal charges at Nuremberg and Tokyo because they were constituent parts of that larger crime. The United Nations Charter maintained war as a crime, but limited it to "aggressive" war, and gave immunity to any wars launched with UN approval.
The International Court of Justice (ICJ) could try the United States for attacking a country if (1) that country brought a case, and (2) the United States agreed to the process, and (3) the United States chose not to block any judgment by using its veto power at the UN Security Council.
Desirable future reforms obviously include urging all UN members to accept the compulsory jurisdiction of the ICJ, and eliminating the veto. But what can be done now?
The International Criminal Court (ICC) can try individuals for various "war crimes," but has thus far tried only Africans, though for some time now it has claimed to be "investigating" US crimes in Afghanistan.
Although the US is not a member of the ICC, Afghanistan is. Desirable future reforms obviously include urging all nations, including the United States, to join the ICC. But what can be done now?
The ICC has finally announced that it will prosecute individuals (such as the US president and secretary of "defense") for the crime of "aggression," which is to say: war.
But such wars must be launched after July 17, 2018. And those who can be prosecuted for war will be only citizens of those nations that have both joined the ICC and ratified the amendment adding jurisdiction over "aggression." Desirable future reforms obviously include urging all nations, including the United States, to ratify the amendment on "aggression." But what can be done now?
The only way around these restrictions, is for the UN Security Council to refer a case to the ICC. If that happens, then the ICC can prosecute anyone in the world for the crime of war.
This means that for the force of law to have any chance of deterring the US government from threatening and launching wars, we need to persuade one or more of the fifteen nations on the UN Security Council to make clear that they will raise the matter for a vote. Five of those fifteen have veto power, and one of those five is the United States.
So, we also need nations of the world to proclaim that when the Security Council fails to refer the case, they will bring the matter before the UN General Assembly though a "Uniting for Peace" procedure in emergency session to override the veto.
This is what was just done in December 2017 to overwhelmingly pass a resolution that the US had vetoed, a resolution condemning the US naming Jerusalem the capital of Israel.
Not only do we need to jump through each of these hoops (a commitment to a Security Council vote, and a commitment to override the veto in the General Assembly) but we need to make evident beforehand that we will be certain or likely to do so.
ACTION: Therefore, World Beyond War is launching a global petition to the national governments of the world asking for their public commitment to refer any war launched by any nation to the ICC with or without the Security Council.
After all, it is not only US wars that should be prosecuted as crimes, but all wars. And, in fact, it may prove necessary to prosecute junior partners of the United States in its "coalition" wars prior to prosecuting the ringleader. The problem is not one of lack of evidence, of course, but of political will.
The UK, France, Canada, Australia, or some other co-conspirator may be brought by global and internal pressure (and the ability to circumvent the UN Security Council) to submit to the rule of law prior to the United States doing so.
A key detail is this: how much organized murder and violent destruction constitutes a war? Is a drone strike a war? Is base expansion and a few home raids a war? How many bombs make a war? The answer should be any use of military force. But in the end, this question will be answered by public pressure. If we can inform people of it and persuade the nations of the world to refer it to trial, then it will be a war, and therefore a crime.
Here's my New Year's resolution. (Click to add your name): I vow to support the rule of law, that might may no longer make right.
David Swanson is an author, activist, journalist, and radio host. He is director of WorldBeyondWar.org and campaign coordinator for RootsAction.org. Swanson's books include War Is A Lie. He blogs at DavidSwanson.organd WarIsACrime.org. He hosts Talk Nation Radio. He is a 2015, 2016, 2017 Nobel Peace Prize Nominee. Longer bio and photos and videos here. Follow him on Twitter: @davidcnswanson and FaceBook, and sign up for:
Activist alerts. Articles. David Swanson news. World Beyond War news. Charlottesville news.
Posted in accordance with Title 17, Section 107, US Code, for noncommercial, educational purposes.
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redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


text:
ACCEPTED

#### According to
International Plant Names Index

#### Published in
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#### Original name
Pultenaea ilicifolia Andrews

### Remarks
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redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaGithub


Phishing is the number one threat faced by businesses and attacks are increasing across all industry sectors. Businesses of all sizes are being targeted by hackers. The risk of phishing attacks should not be underestimated.
A successful phishing attack that results in a data breach can be incredibly costly to resolve. A 2019 Radware survey suggests the cost of a successful cyberattack has increased to $1.1 million, while the Ponemon Institute's Cost of a Data Breach Study in 2018 placed the average cost at $3.86 million.
The Anthem Inc. data breach of 2015, that resulted in the theft of 78.8 million health plan members' personal information, started with a phishing email. The attack resulted in losses well over $100 million.
In 2017, a phishing email sent to a MacEwan University employee resulted in a fraudulent wire transfer of $11.8 million to the attacker's bank account.
For most businesses there are two essential elements to anti-phishing defenses. A spam filtering solution to identify phishing emails and block them before they are delivered to employees' inboxes and training for staff to ensure that if a malicious email makes it past the perimeter defenses, it can be identified as such before any harm is caused.
A spam filter is quick and easy to implement, although care must be taken to choose the correct solution. Not all spam filtering and anti-phishing solutions are created equal.
Many businesses now use Office 365 for email. 155 million business (and growing) are now using Office 365. That makes Office 365 a major target for hackers.
Microsoft does provide anti-phishing and anti-spam protection through its Advanced Threat Protection (APT) offering for Office 365. APT is an optional extra and comes at an additional cost.
APT provides a reasonable level of protection against phishing, but 'reasonable' is not sufficient for many businesses. APT is certainly better than nothing, but it does not provide the same level of protection as a third-party spam filtering solution from a dedicated cybersecurity solution provider.
Hackers use Office 365 accounts protected by APT to test their phishing campaigns to make sure they can bypass Office 365 controls. Hackers can easily tell which businesses are using Office 365 as it is broadcasted through public DNS MX records, so finding targets is easy.
With a third-party solution implemented, businesses will be much better protected. Hackers can tell that a business is using Office 365, but they will not know that it has advanced spam defenses from a third-party solution provider. This multi-layer approach is essential if you want to ensure you are well protected against phishing attacks.
SpamTitan is a leading spam filtering solution for businesses that is highly effective at blocking phishing and other malicious emails. Independent tests confirm the solution blocks more than 99.9% of spam and malicious emails and 100% of known malware through its two AV engines. It is a perfect addition to Office 365 to provide even greater protection against phishing threats.
No technical anti-phishing solution will be 100% effective, 100% of the time. Hackers are constantly developing new techniques to bypass organizations' defenses and occasionally messages may be delivered. Employees must therefore be trained how to identify malicious messages and conditioned to be alert to the threat of attack. Employees are the last line of defense in an organization and that defensive line will be tested.
A once a year training session may have been sufficient in the past, but the increased threat of attack means far more frequent training is required. To develop a security culture, it is necessary to have regular training sessions and use a variety of different methods to reinforce that training.
Twice a year formal training sessions should be accompanied by more frequent CBT mini-training sessions, cybersecurity newsletters, posters, and phishing email simulations to identify weaknesses.
Many SMB owners think that their business is too small to be targeted by hackers. While large organizations are attacked more frequently, SMB cyberattacks are far from uncommon.
The 2018 State of Cybersecurity in Small and Medium Size Businesses study conducted by the Ponemon Institute showed that 67% of SMBs had experienced a cyberattack in the past 12 months and 58% had experienced a data breach.
Due to the high risk of cyberattacks, the increased number of phishing attacks on SMBs, defenses need to be improved. Businesses that fail to implement appropriate cybersecurity solutions and train staff how to identify phishing emails are a data breach waiting to happen.
Fortunately help is at hand. If you want to improve your defenses against phishing, contact TitanHQ to chat about your options.


LA LA land is a seriously hip and happening city, full of ad agencies and venture capitalists, moon juice shops (super food health boutiques), design firms, Cali mex deliciousness and of course the celebrities thrown in for a good measure. The city has a few high rises, those in downtown, so its all about low rises sprawling far and wide. From mountains, and green hilly parks, to beaches with surf worthy waves, LA has got it covered. Throw in gorgeous light and a very mild climate and you are onto a pretty damn good holiday destination. If all the above is not enough, the city is seriously kid friendly with hundreds of things both parents and kids would enjoy.
Don't try to see the whole city unless you are staying for a month. Be selective choose two – three areas and explore them properly.
Do rent a car! Car rental companies will gladly rent you a baby seat.
Don't drive? Download the UBER app. Just make sure you are on time. Those UBER drivers in LA are pretty impatient and will rarely wait for you.
Don't forget the rush hour! LA Traffic can be pretty nasty.
Do bring layers and more layers for both you and the little one. Yes, the climate is mild, but the temperature can also fluctuate dramatically as you are right on the Pacific. It can get really cold at night and the mornings are quite crispy. Also on rainy (windy) days the temperature can drop quite dramatically.
For a low key vibe, stay at one of the awesome Kid&Coe properties (the cool AIR BnB for families). The properties are great because they all have cool kids rooms with toys, kitchens to cook breakfast and chicken soup in. They also have washing machines and dryers (hallelujah). They don't have room service or cleaning service though.
If you must stay at a hotel then Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica is an old school and gorgeous option that's very kids friendly due to its location "right on the beach." It feels like Hamptons, and won't be very kind on your wallet.
Tire your kids out first before you do any shopping or sit down to eat for lunch. Head to the beach (even in the colder months). Go to Venice beach to see the mad, fun and crazy crowds and eat some ice cream. Walk or cycle along the Santa Monica promenade. It may be quite windy in autumn, spring and winter months so pack light windbreakers.
SKIP: The Santa Monica Pier, its far too touristy and crowded.
Kids tired? Head to Abbot Kinney, the painfully hip boulevard full of cool fashion and lifestyle start ups, chic healthy cafes, design agencies and very trendy boutiques. You will see a lot of those healthy pretty LA inhabitants there too, the tanned slim people on long boards and bicycles. Warning you may feel a little unhip after a few hours.
Gjusta (more space, less wait so more kid friendly) or it's big sister restaurant Gjelina. The latter has a cult status and you may have to wait for a quite a while even if you have booked ahead. The gnocci are legendary, the space between the tables is small. As for Gjusta in Travis Lett's own words: "To call it a bakery feels like it falls short. I'd say, take a Russ & Daughters and slam it into a Dean & DeLuca. We're smoking things, making charcuterie, we've got antipasti, bread, pastry, rotisserie meats, pizzas. It sounds like a mess, but it works." Worth the visit and kids will have a lot of options to munch on. The Butchers Daughter is a vegan vegetarian heaven, is worth a visit even if it's just for a smoothie or an almond latte.
After eating, hit the shops (if your little ones are in a good mood). To enhance the mood and keep them busy while you shop head to the Portland export the ice cream heaven, Salt & Straw! Honey Lavender and Sea Salt with Caramel Ribbons stole our hearts, they have options for vegans too if you are "doing the heathy thing".
SHOP: Most shops on Abbot Kinney are worth a quick peak, carrying independent designers and quirky lifestyle products. For Kids head to 2S For quirky toys, handmade dolls and cool gifts.
Have a full day to kill? Drive over to Malibu Farm cafe for a rustic delicious organic food experience on the beach (very Instagram friendly), then head to the Getty Centre. The latter museum complex is very kid friendly and the entrance is free (just pay for parking), especially if you have a stroller. Watch out for the weather forecast as it can be quite windy there.
Avalon hotel – Pinterest heaven with perfect mid century modern pastels, by Koning Eizenberg. The rooms are spacious with a lot of drawers and wardrobe space. The breakfast is great even though there is no buffet, the a la carte continental gets it just right. The fruits, greek yoghurt and cinnamon bun work wonders on even the most picky eaters. The steel cut oatmeal is another winner.
Follow by Verve coffee – kids love the little juice glasses, moms love the strong espresso and the detox fix and the outdoor mini garden space. The cushions outside are great for reading books and petting other customers dogs.
Bonus: a well kitted out playroom with Au pairs / nannies that can take care of kids over 2 years old, entrance is a one-off fee of 15USD valid for the whole day. There is also a tree house (wooden mini attic). If kids are under 2 years old, you have to stay with them in the playroom.
We were there just after they opened so witnessed a few teething problems. Personally we found the Au pairs a little clueless, they seemed to have no idea what to do with the kids and didn't show much initiative. The food took a little too long too (40 minutes after we ordered). The playroom works really well though, if your child is good with independent play or if you and your husband or girlfriend are cool with taking turns and entertaining the little one.) Either way the playroom prolongs your lunch to a leisurely time.
Your little one still likes his daytime naps? Hallelujah! If the baby is sleeping check out the Apartment by the Line for interior inspiration and an Instagram boost.
If you find it hard to wear out the little one out and the weather is good, head to La Cienega Park or any of the parks nearby.
Another lunch time favourite of ours is the IVY. A classic in Beverly Hills, Ivy is all about country cottage kitsch and bright florals, its great for celebrity spotting and has some of most delicious food we tried in LA. Your kids will be head over heels with the pasta and bread dishes (GF options on offer).
Unmissable! Pulling in some of the top art exhibitions, Los Angeles Museum of Modern Art manages to be relevant and very kid friendly at the same time! Upon arrival avoid heading straight for the exhibitions. Instead tire the little humans out in the outdoor spaces and sculpture gardens then show them 'Penetrable', the outdoor art piece by Jesús Rafael Soto.
An interactive art piece made of yellow plastic tubes suspended in the air is a real hit with kids. Our daughter spent half an hour running in between the tubes.
For older kids head to the Boone Children's Gallery, a free creative space where visitors of all ages are invited to learn the art of East Asian brush painting. No prior art-making experience is necessary.
Make sure to get the little ones a snack and lots of water before you head in to explore the art collections, as food and drink are not allowed inside. For eating C+M cafe 456has a much healthier, yummier food selection than LACMA cafe in front of it. Now time to head inside! Hopefully by this point they will be exhausted enough to just sit back in their pram, while you enjoy the art.
PLAY/SEE/HIKE: The East Side has flourished from hipster central to a family friendly destination. Thanks to it proximity to Griffith Park, lack of traffic congestion and a laid back vibe. It was definitely our favourite place to visit with the little one.
Start the day by going for a mini train ride next to the pony station right at the bottom of Griffith park. The ponies looked pretty miserable, so we would skip those. The train ride is fun and takes enough time for the little ones to stay engaged and have a good time.
Then jump in a car and drive up to Trails Cafe. Stock up on their baked goodies and home made almond milk and head to the playground right at the start of the hiking trail. The playground is a perfect spot to get your little ones more exhausted with messy sand play and chat to parents living in the neighbourhood. If you are feeling perky, hike up to the Griffith Observatory, it's a tough but short hike. Bring a pram or a carrier, water and hat and sunscreen. There is very little shade on the hike so it can get very hot.
Take a few obligatory photos once you make it to the Observatory. But not before you take the obligatory photo with the Hollywood sign in the background. Once you made it back down. Make a food stop at the Stamp Cafe (healthy yummy food and very child friendly staff) located off the Feliz Blvd it's also next to the health food mecca LASSENS. The perfect place to stock up on post natal vitamins, nori crackers and super healthy crackers and snacks.
The Great escape club – in Atwater Village is genius. A kids club, where the parents have an option to leave the little ones in the playroom, while they check their emails, take a deep breath and "nap". OK, maybe not nap, but you get the drift. You can sink into their chic grey sofas and actually have "you time". It's less hectic on the weekdays. Atwater is around 5 minute drive from Loz Feliz.
SHOP: La La Ling in Los Feliz for cool kids fashion, toys and lifestyle products.
PLAY PLAY PLAY / Mini Day and half Day Trips!
We decided to avoid zoos on our travels, having read all kind of stories about penguins on anti depressants and having personally seen too many crammed sad animals stuck in cages. We did want to show Nika animals though that were well cared for and found a lovely place called the Farm Sanctuary. She had an amazing time there giving a pig a belly rub, talking to a turkey, and meeting some awesome free roaming sheep and goats.
Farm Sanctuary was founded in 1986 to combat the abuses of factory farming and encourage a new awareness and understanding about farm animals. Today, Farm Sanctuary is the nation's largest and most effective farm animal rescue and protection organization. They have rescued thousands of animals and cared for them at their sanctuaries. The LA outpost that we visited, is a 26-acre beautiful hacienda ranch in Acton, just 45 minutes from Hollywood.
In addition to providing shelter for approximately 100 animals, the Southern California Shelter offers one-hour guided tours on Saturdays and Sundays and group tours are available by appointment.
Also worth visiting, Kidspace Children's Museum and the Huntington Botanic Gardens both located in Pasadena just outside LA.


text:
Trilacuna rastrum är en spindelart som beskrevs av Tong och Li 2007. Trilacuna rastrum ingår i släktet Trilacuna och familjen dansspindlar. Inga underarter finns listade i Catalogue of Life.

Källor

Dansspindlar
rastrum

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaWikipedia


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What a Trip to Israel!!
The Bayit Association and Ohel Hold First Joint Info Meeting in Teaneck
By Moshe Kinderlehrer/ Co-Publisher, The Jewish Link | December 08, 2022
This past Sunday night, December 4, I was privileged to help organize, attend and speak at The Bayit Association's first-ever joint info session and forum with our new partner, Ohel. The unique session was aimed at parents interested in learning more about the new Bayit-Ohel partnership and their childrens' eligibility for the homes for special needs individuals currently under development.
Despite advertising in this paper over the past month, as well as posts on parent forums, chats and text groups, and some personal reminders, my Bayit co-founders, Bassie Taubes and Adam Chill, and I, had no idea how many people to expect. Would the room be full or empty? Who would show up?
We are aware of at least 100+ families in the Northern New Jersey Jewish community that have children in their teens, 20s and 30s with diagnoses of IDD (intellectual or developmental disability) and autism. We also know that every one of them, including ourselves, are all deeply concerned with the question of where their children will live when they are no longer able to care for them. But would they show up on a Sunday night to learn about the Bayit Association's new partnership with Ohel, our two current properties and future homes, and about all the steps needed to get there? We just didn't know.
For some parents, even contemplating a future where they are not able to care for their child or house them is absolutely terrifying and overwhelming. The easiest short-term strategy is to just stay home, do nothing, hope for the best, and postpone the inevitable as far into the future as possible. It is so easy, and understandable to feel this way.
Thankfully, our fears of low attendance were put to rest quickly as we welcomed into Teaneck's Congregation Zichron Mordechai's lovely sanctuary approximately 50 parents and caregivers representing approximately 35 families, some with multiple children with IDD and autism. We even had to temporarily dismantle the shul's mechitza to allow everyone to fit comfortably. We also had regrets from an additional 10 families who wanted to be there but couldn't make it on Sunday night, who requested additional information.
Bassie Taubes, my co-founder and also the rebbetzin of our host shul, opened the program by welcoming everyone and explaining briefly how frustrating it was for her and other parents like my wife and I to attend multiple meetings about housing over the past 10-15 years that led nowhere. She also described briefly how The Bayit Association got started when she and I, joined shortly after by Adam Chill, made the decision to move ahead together, launch The Bayit Association, start buying and developing homes, and fundraising to support all of this.
Bassie then introduced me and I had the opportunity to introduce myself to the many parents there and explain a bit more about what motivated us. Once we realized in late 2019/early 2020 that we had to take action, and learned how long it takes for a home to be purchased, plans developed and approved, permits granted, construction started and finished, etc—it's easily a two to three year process minimum—we not only had to take action but we had to get started as soon as possible with purchasing homes and beginning to develop them, and learn as much as we could about New Jersey-specific laws and guidelines regarding housing for adults with special needs.
Just as I started The Jewish Link because I felt strongly that our growing Northern New Jersey Jewish community needed its own paper, a similar impulse pushed me to co-found The Bayit Association. There is a very real and growing need in our community for housing solutions for our kids whose parents and siblings will simply not be able to care for them forever. We had to come up with a solution; we had to do something, so we did…and yet we still have a long way to go.
I noted that The Bayit Association currently owns two homes in Teaneck and we are already thinking seriously about future homes. The first home in Teaneck is under construction and we are hoping to finish construction within the year. We are currently working on plans for the second home. I also explained that we knew early on that we knew nothing about billing, Medicaid, running residences and housing programs, etc … and we needed a partner. We met and spoke with a good number of programs, spoke to many people, and learned so much about the field of housing, licensing and other requirements.
I described how excited we are about our recent decision to partner with Ohel in the management and oversight of our first homes. Ohel, which recently became licensed in New Jersey, is a leader in New York State and operates more than 40 homes and apartments. A good number of their key senior staff live in New Jersey as well, and we believe strongly that they are incredibly motivated to make the relationship work and be a trusted partner for us and the families they hope to serve in New Jersey.
Before I turned the floor over to the Ohel team, I told the gathered parents that we still needed to raise $2+ million to complete the construction and renovation of the first home, to pay back loans we took out for the homes, and to renovate the second home … and to begin thinking about the next homes. Government funding should be able to cover the annual operating costs of every home we build and open, but the government provides almost no money for the costs of purchasing and renovating homes. I extended the challenge to the parents (and to our generous readers and our community) that we will need help with purchasing and renovating future homes and I invited all to help us build these homes. (Please email me at [email protected] if you would like to help on this front.)
I then introduced Ohel's CEO of more than 26 years, David Mandel, who proceeded to point out the key Ohel staff present, such as Ohel COO Adam Lancer, senior housing coordinator Lee Niren, and community services director Lisa Sheinhouse. David then discussed Ohel's history in New York State with housing for adults with IDD/autism, as well as adults with mental illness. He talked about his and Ohel's long experience in speaking with parents, hearing their hopes, dreams and fears for their children, and building true homes for them.
"When meeting with parents of men and women with developmental disabilities, men and women with psychiatric disabilities," David said, "I always asked them, 'What would you like for your son or daughter?' And the response universally was the following … For my son or daughter, we would like a home, we would like a good day program or a job … and we'd like them to have friends. Over and over we hear the same three things … They all wanted the same three things that we all want."
David also discussed Ohel's focus on serving the Jewish community and providing housing options to over 500 men and women today in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and the Five Towns. He discussed how Ohel's homes are run in accordance with halacha and that residents are expected to abide by the rules of the home, regardless of their observance level outside of the home.
"The New Jersey relationship conversation is not new to us at Ohel," explained David. "We have been working with and meeting with New Jersey's Division of Developmental Disabilities (DDD) for quite some time to get our license to operate housing … and we're ready to go … we've committed staff, and we've discussed this with a long range plan. We've done housing for 40 years. And we look forward to doing it to only one standard … If we can't do things professionally and first class, we don't want to do it. That's our goal."
David then opened the floor to questions, which came from all corners of the room on a range of topics such as:
How to make sure that the adult children would be eligible for housing?
How would adults requiring much more intensive supervision be cared for?
How many adults would be allowed in a home currently by the State of New Jersey?
Will all of the homes be fully licensed group homes?
With the need so large, how will Bayit-Ohel be able to meet the needs of everyone?
How will Ohel determine who is eligible for the first home?
Can a family raise money for a home and be guaranteed a spot for their child?
We did our best to answer each and every question raised, although we weren't able to answer everything fully, and we encouraged the parents to follow up individually with each of us, if needed. Ohel's staff also indicated that they will be looking to hold a Shabbos retreat and other family support programs such as a challah bake or something similar with a goal of getting to know the New Jersey families and to start identifying potential clusters of adults who may be a good match for the first homes.
Who are the parents and caregivers who showed up?
Geographically, they represented every community in the Northern New Jersey area, ranging from West Orange, Passaic and Clifton to Teaneck, Englewood, Bergenfield and Fair Lawn. The majority of the parents had children ranging in age from late teens to their 30s. Every family that came was interested in a housing solution for their child or children.
Although the majority were parents of sons with IDD, we made a number of quick introductions between the parents of young women who did not know each other prior to Sunday night, and it's our hope that some of these young women will ultimately form the core of our first women's residences and apartments.
One attendee emailed me after the meeting: "Tonight was raw and hopeful at the same time. Your vision is inspiring and I hope you can really make it happen … May Hashem help you with your vision."
To this attendee and to every parent we hope to help over the next five to 15 years, I say: "Amein…and from your mouth to God's ears." I, too, hope and pray we will succeed.
Note: If you are a parent of a young adult with IDD and were unable to attend, and would like to be in touch with Ohel and The Bayit Association, please email [email protected] OR [email protected].
By Moshe Kinderlehrer/
Co-Publisher, The Jewish Link
Most Popular editorials
A Painful Moment in Teaneck Politics


text:
Q: Use Satellite repositories during podman build on RHEL8 I need to be able to use my company's satellite repository while building podman image on top of Red Hat 8 UBI image. I was able to achieve that by copying from host machine those files:
/etc/yum.repos.d ,/etc/rhsm and/etc/pki
to image during build, however it doesn't seem to be elegant solution.
Is there any way to tell podman to use Host machine entitlements/yum repos during docker build ?

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaStackExchange


VISA, Mastercard, Care Credit, and personal checks.
Dr Randall Yee and Dr Mark Sakurai, DDS are the only Endodontic specialists on Maui. Both are Diplomats of the American Board of Endodontics. Dr Yee came to Maui from Indiana in 1982 to establish his practice in Wailuku. Dr Sakurai has been commuting from Oahu Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays to serve Maui for the past 15 years.
If you need a root canal, this is definitely the place to be.


text:
Digital Wallet Services
Electronic recharge
Voucher Management
Services platform
Telco access channels
HomeSend – new remittance corridor to Smart Communications, Philippines
July>
Paris, 29 July 2011
eServGlobal announces a new connection for the HomeSend remittance service between its strategic business partner BICS and Smart Communications, the largest mobile network operator in the Philippines.
Smart Communications has over 45 million subscribers in the Philippines and a strong track record in providing domestic mobile money services. Through HomeSend, Smart Communications will be able to offer remittance services to their mobile money users. The Philippines receives over US$20 Billion in international remittance reach year and is one the top remittance receiving countries in the world. For example, in 2010, Qatar and the United Kingdom sent over US$500 million each in remittances to the Philippines.
HomeSend continues to set the standard for international interoperability in mobile money transfer by creating a seamless connection between a variety of mobile money systems and financial institutions around the world. HomeSend is offered by BICS and based on eServGlobal technology. BICS is a leading global provider of Voice, Messaging, Roaming, Connectivity and Mobile Financial Services. Benefiting from a first mover advantage, HomeSend is the only mobile-centric international remittance hub endorsed by the GSMA, with existing remittance corridors operating between countries including the UK, the Philippines, Belgium, Ghana and Morocco.
The BICS and Smart Communications release is available to download from the link below.
FINAL HomeSend & Smart Communications.pdf
The future is in the cloud, choose a technology that will join you there
eServGlobal secures new project in Asia Pacific
eServGlobal secures new projects in Middle East
©2018 eServGlobal All Rights Reserved


text:
Comocladia dodonaea, with common names poison ash, and Christmas bush, is a species of tree in the cashew family, Anacardiaceae. It is native to Caribbean islands.

In the sap of the plant and on the surface of the leaves is an urushiol poison similar to that in poison ivy.

References

Anacardiaceae
Trees of the Amazon
Trees of Brazil


text:
Schizopyge curvifrons és una espècie de peix de la família dels ciprínids i de l'ordre dels cipriniformes.

Morfologia
 Els mascles poden assolir 40 cm de longitud total i 1.250 g de pes.

Hàbitat
És un peix d'aigua dolça i de clima tropical.

Distribució geogràfica
Es troba a Àsia: l'Afganistan, el Pakistan, l'Índia i la Xina.

Referències

Bibliografia

 Nelson, J.S. 2006: Fishes of the world. Quarta edició. John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Hoboken, Nova Jersey, Estats Units. 601 p.
 Riede, K., 2004. Global register of migratory species - from global to regional scales. Final Report of the R&D-Projekt 808 05 081. Federal Agency for Nature Conservation, Bonn, Alemanya. 329 p.

Enllaços externs
 AQUATAB

Ciprínids