text:
For the week of 4/21/2003 to 4/25/2003
| Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday |
-- Monday April 21, 2003 --
Las Vegas Here They Come! 4/21/03. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A Minister is asked a bunch of sexual questions but doesn't have answers, James Taylor performs ''Woodstock'' live in the studio.
Howard started off saying that they're not in Vegas yet, they're heading there after the show today. He said Gary is out there already and didn't know why that was. Artie told him Gary left after the show on Friday because he has some stuff out there he has to do. Fred was playing the retarded guy singing about Jennifer Halloway so Howard said they finally found the woman he's singing about. He said it turns out that her name isn't Jennifer Halloway anymore because there was another Jennifer Halloway singer. He said Gary found the woman and asked her if she remembered singing this song with this retarded guy. He said the woman didn't remember doing it so Howard wondered how that was possible.
Howard said he was thanking Artie for giving him all of the Italian treats he got last week because he brought them to Beth's family's house over the weekend. He had some of that Pizza Gain, Schviadel (Sfogliatelle) and Pasta Chot (all spelled wrong I'm sure). Howard said he was all uptight about going to meet Beth's father for the first time. He said about 2 hours in, though, he was toasting her father's nutsack. He said without that nutsack, Beth wouldn't be there. Howard also said that they mentioned Christ during the dinner and brought up the fact that they had a non-believer in the room. He joked around with that for a short time. He said he felt like her father was cool with him, at least that's the way he felt. He said it has to be weird for the guy because Howard Stern is dating his daughter.
Howard and the guys changed the subject when they talked about the guy who was arrested over the weekend for the death of his wife and unborn child. The guys said that should make for quite a TV movie if they ever put it together.
Howard said he heard that Scott the Engineer is up $1,500 in Vegas as of today. He said that can't last and he's such a loser that he'll probably win like $17,000 and then die or something like that. Howard went on to talk to the guys about the game of Craps. He wondered if anyone there can explain the game to them so they can play out there. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in a short time later and said he has cards and stuff like that so they can play on the flight out there. He also said he has a book about how to play Craps that they can read to figure the game out. They even had a felt Craps layout so they can practice on the flight. Stuttering John had that with him but Howard said he didn't want to learn from John because he'd do a half-assed job with it. John said he knows how to play though so Howard said he'd do it that way if he had to. John said he and his wife play all the time so he knows what he's doing.
Ralph called in and said that this trip is very stressful because he doesn't know what to pack. Howard said last time Ralph was out in Vegas he brought $25 to gamble with and plunked it into some lame slot machine and within a few minutes he was up by $1,000. Howard found out Ralph is actually is out there in Vegas already. He told Howard he flew out there yesterday but already lost track of how long he's been there. He said that Doug Goodstein is also out there and down by $500. Ralph said he's down by $200 himself. Ralph said he went to the Paradise Club, a strip joint, after going out to dinner with some friends who wondered who would go there on Easter. Howard heard all of this and said that Ralph was ''peaking'' too soon and was having too much fun before everyone else got there. Ralph said you can't sleep out there because there's so much to do.
Doug Goodstein called in as Vinnie was getting off the phone to go hop in the shower. Ralph said that some of Doug's friends screwed up their Blackjack table playing wrong. They said Ronnie the Limo Driver was out there already too and he was drunk and blowing some money already too. Doug said that Scott the Engineer is over playing some Wheel of Fortune slot machine and he's winning. He said it's Scott and 50 other women playing the game. Doug said it's the most joy the guy has ever had in his life. Doug told Howard that he played Craps a little bit and it's an easy game to learn. Doug also said he hasn't told his wife that he's down $500, he told her he's down $50 and she freaked out. After that he said he wasn't going to tell her how much he really lost.
Howard and the guys were talking about how the Club Paradise place was right across the street from the Hard Rock Hotel Casino but it's the busiest street in town so it's almost impossible to cross. Howard said they should have a tunnel running over there. Artie said when you do cross, it looks like a bunch of Mexican's running for the border.
Howard took a phone call from this guy Dave who calls in all the time and calls Howard Pinocchio. He told Howard that they've found the SARS virus in casinos in Atlantic City. Howard said he didn't want to hear it and hung up on him a few seconds in. Howard had to take a break after that but said they have Rebecca Romijn-Stamos coming in this morning. Before going to break he took a call from a woman who said that it's true about the SARS thing in casinos. She also complained about how hard it is to see Howard and the crew when they're broadcasting from the casino. She said they really need to put them on a platform so more people can see them from a distance. Howard told her to just look at it like it's a fan convention and just hang out and have fun instead of trying to listen to the show from the casino floor. He went to break a short time later.
After the break Howard said he saw Rebecca Romijn-Stamos on Friday night. He said she looked really hot. He said she and John Stamos took him to see ''X-Men 2'' at a private screening. Howard said the movie is ''fantastic'' and it has great special effects. He said the effects are very believable. Artie asked him what comic book movies Howard likes best. Howard said he loved the first Superman movie and the first Batman movie was really good too. He said X-Men and Spider-Man are very close and might be a tie. He wondered if The Matrix would be considered a comic book movie because that was great too. Howard said the new ''X-Men'' movie is coming out in a week or so.
Howard said Rebecca looks really good lately and he heard that she's been taking a lot of colonics and stuff lately. He also said he saw her taking a bunch of pills when he was out with her. Howard and Robin said the outfit she wears in ''X-Men'' is something you can't wear if your body is out of shape. Howard went on to talk about the dinner he had with John and Rebecca. The food was chinese and it was great. Robin wondered if it's like the food you'd find in Chinatown or something different. Howard said it's a step beyond that. The place is owned by Jean George.
Howard said Rebecca ran into another supermodel so they had a couple of supermodels talking at the table. Howard said Beth wanted to meet the model but Rebecca didn't introduce her. Howard said she wanted to meet her since that's the line of work she's in.
Howard said on Saturday he went out to meet Beth's family for an early Easter. Robin thought they were there yesterday but it turned out it was Saturday. He talked about that for a minute and changed subjects when he talked about KC's luggage which was apparently a taped up laundry bag. Fred said he thought it was a garbage bag and put it by the elevator to go out with the other garbage. KC came in and said he doesn't have a suitcase to pack his stuff in. He said he really doesn't need a bag. His clothes are all folded and packed in this bag he has. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that before moving on.
Howard mentioned the fact that Artie is going to be out playing Basketball against this chick Marrisa Graby when they go out to Vegas. Artie said he played against a friend of his over the weekend and he beat the guy 11 to 5. He said the other guy knows how to play ball and he still beat him. Artie said his outside shot was on and he was able to beat him. Artie said he hadn't played ball since last summer but he's ready to take on a girl. They're going to be doing that tomorrow.
Howard brought up the movie ''Anger Management'' and how it's still doing well at the box office. Robin said she fell asleep during part of the movie because it's so boring. She said there are a few laughs in the movie but she was bored with most of it. Howard said the movie ''Holes'' was next and then ''Malibu's Most Wanted'' and ''Bulletproof Monk'' after that. Rob Zombie's movie brought in another $2 million this week. Howard said it's made $7 million so far and that's about $7 million more than the movie company thought it was going to make. Howard said the movie ''Chicago'' has made over $160 million so far and he just doesn't get that. He said that's one movie he's not going to see.
A listener called in and brought up the fact that Bill Maher and Dennis Miller mentioned Howard's name on Maher's show over the weekend. Howard had a clip so he played it and Maher talks about how Howard thought it would be best to just drop a nuclear bomb on any Muslim country after 9/11. Miller said ''Jackie wrote that one for him...'' and the audience starts laughing. Howard said Jackie wasn't even working for him then. Howard said there's nothing wacky about his comments and there's nothing wrong with dropping a nuclear bomb. He said he wasn't even serious about it when he said it. Maher was on the show at the time and Howard wondered what happened to his sense of humor. Howard had to take a break after that but this phone caller he had on wanted to tell a quick story. He said he went home from school early one day and found his mother banging a 19 year old friend of his. Howard said his mother must be a whore. The caller said that he could hear them from downstairs when he walked in the house. Howard wanted to talk to the woman but she wasn't home at the time. The caller said that his mom didn't even talk to him about what she'd done. He said that the guy and his mother are dating. He talked about seeing the guy come walking down the stairs and wondering what the hell he's doing. The caller said that this other guy isn't even a good looking guy. Howard said this kid was acting like it's no big deal but it really is. He asked the kid if he thinks the guy was giving her anal or something. The guy didn't want to even think about that though. Howard felt bad for the kid. He wanted to get her number so they could call her on the air and ask her about this. The kid didn't want to give it up though. Howard told the guy he was sorry for him but he had to get going. He took a break right after that.
Roger Alan Wade Songs And Other Various Stuff. 4/21/03. 7:25am
Howard said he can't wait to go to Vegas because it breaks up the monotony of the show. He quickly went on to say that he thinks Bill Maher misquoted him on his show on Friday. Howard said if he misquoted Maher on his show, he'd be all over his ass. Howard said he would bet a few zillion bucks that he never said we should drop bombs on a ''Muslim country.'' He said he's pretty sure that Maher said the guys who crashed the planes into the World Trade Center were brave and our people were cowards. Howard went off on Maher for a couple of minutes and called him a ''dick wad'' and a few other things. He also said that Dennis Miller should concentrate on being funny because it seems to be over for him. Howard called Maher a coward and told him to come in to defend himself against that.
Howard changed the subject and said Rebecca Romijn-Stamos would be in soon. He talked about how hot she was on Friday when he saw her. He said he tried to turn his head away from her as much as possible so she wouldn't see his face during the movie. He said he wanted her to see his hair since that's the best looking thing on him. Howard had some new song playing that was about wanting poon tang. Howard said it's his new favorite singer. He said it's actually ''Jackass'' Johnny Knoxville's cousin Roger Alan Wade singing the song. Howard kept the song playing and it had Artie laughing. The guy has a few other songs that he recorded so Howard played some of those. One was about a woman who ''Must have gone back to whoring.'' Howard said he finally discovered someone good. He played another song called ''Butt Ugly Slut'' and another one called ''All Liquored Up.'' Then there was one about shooting a woman in the ass with a BB gun. Artie said the guy is a god damn genius. Howard said they're going to have him on the show after their Las Vegas trip. Howard said he hasn't heard music like this since Charles Manson. Robin said they're going to forget about Red Peters after hearing this guy's stuff some more.
Rebecca Romijn-Stamos Comes In. 4/21/03. 7:35am
Model/actress Rebecca Romijn-Stamos came in to promote the new ''X-Men 2'' movie. Howard said he told John and Rebecca that he named his dog Bianca Jane Romijn-Stamos and John couldn't believe it. When rebecca walked in Howard said she looked great. He then played the Roger Alan Wade song ''Little Poon Tang'' for her. She seemed to love it herself. Howard talked about what Rebecca was wearing and talked about how hot she looked. He said she wasn't wearing a bra and her shirt was very low cut so he could see her breasts. She was also wearing some very tight jeans. Howard said he didn't like the shoes she was wearing though. Howard told her how great she looked when she got off the plane on Friday. He brought up the fact that they went to the private screening for ''X-Men 2'' on Friday and how he was posing for her the whole night. She said that she was really nervous to be on the show today. She said that they know each other really well since they've hung out quite a bit. She and Beth got topless one time at Howard's apartment so Howard has seen her naked in person. She said she knows a lot about him too and some of that stuff might be embarrassing to tell. Howard said the two of them hung out one time while John Stamos went to work. He said he should have banged her that day. She said she was drinking that day and was pretty loose.
Howard talked to Rebecca about ''X-Men 2'' for about 5 seconds before getting back to that day they hung out. Howard wondered if they would have ruined their relationship that day if they'd banged. She said she wouldn't do that because he has Beth and she's a really good friend.
Howard brought up the fact that Rebecca is taking colonics to lose some weight. She said she didn't want to talk about that though. Howard said he'd like to be the one giving her the colonics when they were out to dinner the other night. Rebecca went on to talk about these vitamins and other things that she's doing on this Dr. Wagner's diet she's on. She said this diet includes colonics among all of the other stuff. She said there are tons of vitamins and vitamin supplements in the diet. While she was talking about this Fred was playing constant fart sound effects in the background. Rebecca went to stand up at one point and her shirt got caught on the microphone and almost came off.
Howard asked Rebecca more about her diet. He wondered if this Dr. Wagner had to examine her naked or anything like that. She said all they did was talk for 2 hours. Howard couldn't believe that the guy spent that much time with him. Rebecca revealed that she also has a male gynecologist which surprised Howard. He asked her what she wears when she goes in for an exam. She said she lays on a table in a gown with no panties or bra on. Howard asked her if he kisses her breasts. She jokingly said that he does. She said no doctors have ever treated her inappropriately. She said she did have a massage therapist massage her ass a little too much one time though. She said she had to put a stop to that. She said she'd gone to the guy like 3 days in a row and on the third day he got a little fresh so she had to stop. She said she felt like she had been raped in a way. The massage guy was a Mexican guy so Artie was doing his Mexican impression and Howard was talking about how the guy was probably trying to crawl inside of her to sneak into the country. He and Artie had some fun with that for a short time before Howard got back to the Dr. Wagner discussion.
Rebecca talked about what Dr. Wagner talked to her about when she went in for her consultation. She said he has a bunch of programs that he told her about and she picked. Howard asked her about the colonics and how that all works. Rebecca said that everyone gets about an hour for a colonic. Howard joked that they found a little mexican guy in there when they gave her the colonic. Howard said it seems to be working for her because she looks really good lately. Howard ended up playing some of that Jazzy Doors cover music he's played before and sang a little song to Rebecca. He continued to talk about the colonic thing and told Rebecca he'd love to be the one who gives it to her. She said she's sure Howard has given himself one but he said ''What are you nuts?'' She told Howard that she lays on her back when the doctor comes in to give the colonic. She said he has her roll over on her side so he can give her the colonic. She said you just roll over on your side a little bit so they can gain access to that area. Howard said the guy can see her whole ass then. Rebecca said that the tube they use is about the size of your thumb. They lube it up and put it in there. A guy claiming to be Dr. Wagner called in and said that Rebecca has one of the nicest ''corn holes'' in the business. He also said you can't do that too much down there because it might end up looking like John River's face. Howard ended up playing tape from the movie ''Storytelling'' featuring Selma Blair saying ''Nigga F*** Me Hard'' over and over again as a goof. Rebecca talked about how they pump you full of water and it actually hurts a bit. She said they then flush you out and all kinds of stuff comes out. She said the Doctor claims that you pass all kinds of stuff that's stuck up in your intestines. She said he told her that he's found coins, rocks, crayons and other stuff that people swallowed when they were kids. Howard said that stuff all comes out on it's own and doesn't have to be flushed. Howard wondered where all of her Romijn's Remains go when they flush it out. Howard said he'd gargle with that stuff. Artie said it probably goes to the Supermodel Septic Tank in Hollywood.
A listener called in and mentioned a movie Rebecca did where she played the part of a lesbian. She ended up talking about how that was just a part she played. Stuttering John came in and said she once did an interview where she said she wasn't sure if she was interested in chicks so she ''did her homework.'' John thought that meant she'd had sex but she said all she did was kiss another girl. She talked about how she was very slow to develop as a young girl and she was the last of her friends to get pubic hair and breasts.
Howard brought up ''X-Men'' again and talked to her about that for a short time. She said that they're flying out to Rome today because the movie is going to be opening around the world the same day. It opens May 2nd. Howard and Rebecca also talked about Ralph a little bit. She does a great impression of Ralph and goofed on him asking everyone if they studied before seeing the screening of the new movie by watching the first ''X-Men.''
Howard sang to Beth a little more and then Stuttering John came in and asked Rebecca if she and John have an open relationship where they can bang other people. She said they don't and the rumors about that started on Howard's show. She said they never sleep with other people. Nothing happened the night she and Beth got topless in Howard's apartment.
Howard started to wrap up the interview but said that John Stamos told him that Rebecca had a problem during her colonics thing. She had to fast for 8 days and had 6 colonics during that period of time. Howard said John Stamos told him about what happened he almost passed out. He wanted her to talk about it but she didn't want to go there. She had some kind of accident but wasn't telling the whole story. Stuttering John asked her if she had an accident on John Stamos. She said it was close but that's not what happened. Artie threw in a plug for the fact that ''Dirty Work'' airs on the USA network all next week. He and Rebecca were both in the movie.
Howard read that Hugh Jackman and Rebecca were given bonuses for their work in ''X-Men'' because the movie studio liked it so much. Howard read that it was a million bucks. Rebecca said she can't talk about it. Howard wondered if it was a publicity stunt. She said she couldn't talk about it. Howard tried to get her to talk about the colonic accident but she still wasn't going there either. Howard wrapped it up after that and went to commercial.
More Las Vegas Discussions. 4/21/03. 8:30am
After the break Howard mentioned the Las Vegas trip again. He said he has a ton of plugs to give for all of their sponsors which included
The Hard Rock Hotel Casino
Permatex who is sponsoring Win Fred's Money
Trim Spa who is sponsoring the Miss Butta Face contest
TravelWorm.com who is flying them out there
GoldenPalace.com who is sponsoring the $100,000 bet for the World's Saddest Story Blackjack hand
Brian Phelan from E! came in panicking because everyone else is going to be out there before him and he wants to know where they're going to be so he can hook up with them. He gets in at 10pm Vegas time. Robin said maybe he wants to go right to bed as soon as he gets in. Howard said they'll hook up with him and when he sees Brian, he's going start with that one clap and everyone else will work up to clapping for him. Howard said Brian becomes his best buddy when they're out there in Vegas. Howard and the guys talked about how Brian drinks like mad out there and has a lot of fun. Brian said he doesn't get any sleep out there either. Howard said he tried to get Rebecca Romijn-Stamos to go out there with them but she has to go out and promote the new movie. He and the guys talked about how hot she was for a few seconds and then got back to the Las Vegas discussion. Howard said both John and Artie are worried about how they can drink and do the show while they're out there. Howard said he thought they were going to be hanging out at the pool and stuff like that. Howard asked Artie why he can't wait until after the basketball game on Tuesday before he starts drinking. Artie said he thinks he could do that but he probably won't. Howard asked him to please hold off on drinking Tuesday afternoon so he can win that basketball game. He said after the game he can start drinking again.
Howard and the guys said they'd wait for Brian to show up before starting the partying.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that tomorrow's high is going to be only 60 degrees out in Vegas tomorrow. On Wednesday it's supposed to be 73 degrees. Robin said she checked it yesterday and it was warmer than that. Chaunce said he's jealous he can't go out there with them but Howard said he would just report on every little thing they do. Chaunce said he would love to bet against Artie in the basketball game. Stuttering John is betting against Artie. KC came in and asked if the cooler weather will be better for Artie in the basketball game. Howard wondered why that would be but KC wouldn't say ''because he's fat'' so Howard said it for him.
The Reverend Bob Levy called in from Las Vegas and said ''You know how when you go to the airport and a limo driver holds up a sign with you name on it?'' Howard responded and said ''yes'' and Levy says ''Well, there's a pack of hookers out here with a sign that says 'Lange' on it.'' He spent a minute on the phone and Howard wondered why he's out in Vegas. Stuttering John said that Levy is doing a comedy show with him while they're out there. John asked Howard if he's going to see the show. Howard said he's already seen John's show so he's not going to go. John said he hasn't seen everyone though. Howard didn't seem to care. Levy also said that the weather was nice and he didn't know what Chaunce, that ''Leprechaun'' was talking about.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about a story he read about Melissa Rivers being offered $500,000 to just get topless for the magazine. Howard said he believes that she was asked to get topless for the magazine but doesn't believe that she was offered that much money to do it. He had to take a break shortly after that discussion.
Even More Las Vegas Discussions. 4/21/03. 9:00am
Howard said the latest bets out in Vegas are that Artie will lose every cent he brings with him to Vegas. He said they have 2-1 odds on that. He also joked that there are bets that Artie's girlfriend will break up with him before they leave there. Howard went on to say that lesbianism got started out there in Vegas because the cocktail waitresses found that it was easier to just go home with each other than try to get drunk guys playing the slots to hit on them. Howard read a few other things about Vegas and talked about some of the shows and stuff that are out there to see.
Shuli called in and said that he can't wait for them to get out there. He went on to ask Howard if he thinks Rebecca is hotter than Beth. Howard said he can't say that but Artie said that it's awfully close. He didn't seem to want to say Rebecca was hotter since Howard was sitting right there. Howard told Shuli they'd see him out there. Shuli said it was beautiful out there this morning. He said it was 65 degrees and it was only 6am. Howard said they need it to be warmer out there though.
Double A called in and said that no one is hotter than Beth no matter what Shuli says. Howard said Double A is right about that. Double A also told Artie he'd better beat that chick in the basketball game.
Gary the Retard called in and said he'll be out in Vegas too. He was all excited and yelling on the phone to Howard. Howard wondered who gets to sit next to him on the plane when they fly out to Vegas. Gary told Howard he has someone from KUFO flying out there with him. Howard told Gary to try and ''chill'' this time when he's out in Vegas. Gary said he knows what that means, he has to do what he needs to do when he's there. Robin told him it means he's got to stay calm and not go nuts when he sees hot chicks. Howard also asked him to leave his digital camera at home but Gary said he can't do that because he needs to take some pictures. Artie did an impression of him and said ''Here's a picture of Howard's foot!'' and ''Here's a picture of my door knob!''
Jeff the Drunk called in and apologized for being upset with them for not flying him out to Vegas with them. Howard said they can't handle him when he's out there so he's not going. Jeff told them he hopes they all have a good time out there.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who suggested taking a $100 poker chip to try and get women to take their tops off. He said you offer to give them the chip if it stays between their breasts when you drop it in their clevage. Howard said he doesn't want to do that. Another guy suggested having a drinking game where everyone would have to take a drink every time Robin laughs... but she wouldn't know about it. Howard said that would have been funny to do but he already spoiled it by talking about it.
Scott Thompson Hangs Out During The News. 4/21/03. 9:10am
Actor Scott Thompson came in to hang out during Robin's news this morning. Howard said he loved Scott as Hank's assistant on ''The Larry Sanders Show.'' He wondered what Scott has been up to lately. It turns out he's disappeared for a while because he and his partner were fire bombed not too long ago after they made a documentary on Saddam Hussein that was a goof. He talked about that a little bit and said he's not sure if it was some of Saddam's people who fire bombed his house or not but it's flattering to think that it was. Howard said he must be glad that we went in and invaded Iraq.
Scott said after the house was fire bombed, he moved back up to Canada. He said he and his partner slept right through the fire bombing. His partner went back to France and he went back up to Canada after it happened. He said they found a note that said something like ''In the name of Allah, burn the satanic film or you will be dead.'' There were garbage cans and paint that were lit on fire in front of their house. Scott said he blames whoever did it for his breakup with his partner.
Howard talked about ''The Larry Sanders Show'' and how strange Garry Shandling is. Scott said he is kind of weird but he ended ''The Larry Sanders Show'' when he thought it was time to end it. Howard spent a short time on that and gave Scott a plug for his new DVD which is that movie he was fire bombed over called ''Uncle Saddam.'' He was also plugging the ''Kids in the Hall: Tour of Duty'' DVD.
This guy called in from InsideHoops.com called in to talk about his research on the chick Artie is going to be playing basketball against tomorrow. He said that she's like a female version of Shaquille O'Neil. Howard said he doesn't think Artie will be able to score two points against this chick. Artie said she's a power player for a chick. He said he's a guy so he's still going to be able to beat her. The guy from InsideHoops.com seems to think that she's going to be pretty tough to beat though. Howard had to take another break after talking about that for a couple of minutes.
After the break Howard had Robin start her news segment. He also said that Scott doesn't watch ''American Idol'' because he hates it. He said he liked the one that Stuttering John was on called ''I'm a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here!'' He said he also liked the first season of ''Survivor'' and ''Meet the Folks.'' Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Scott about his dating life and asked him where he picks up other guys. He said he's been picking up guys at bath houses and places like that. Scott told Howard he'd love being gay because it's so easy to get laid. He said it's been hard to get into a relationship though. He said there are so many guys who will do you that it's ridiculous. Robin asked if he's a bottom or top kind of guy. He said he's been a ''reluctant bottom'' guy for most of his life but he's going more toward the top guy now. Howard asked Scott who he thinks is the hottest actor out there today. He said Vin Diesel is the hottest to him. Howard said he can't picture Scott with Vin Diesel though. Scott said he loves bald guys and Artie said ''Uh oh, I'd better get out of here then.'' since he's balding a bit.
Gay Rich called in and said that Scott is a total ''bottom'' guy, he doesn't even sound like a top guy. Howard said he should hook Scott up with Gay Rich. AJ Benza called in and said that he knows Scott and he's heard that he wants to be tortured by Saddam's son Udai Hussein. Howard thought that was kind of weird and talked to him about that for a short time. Gay Rich called back a minute later and said he'd be willing to go out with Scott. Howard said he'd put him on hold to hook him up. As he was about to put him on hold, Rich said that he touched Howard's nipple one day and he thought that was kind of masculine of him. Howard said there was nothing masculine about that. Scott and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about other guys Scott would like to do. Howard said he had a guy for him, KC. Scott said KC is ''gorgeous'' to him. KC came in and asked Scott if he thinks he's gay. Scott said he doesn't think he's gay. Howard wanted him to take his shirt off for him but KC said he was okay and didn't want to do that. Gay Ramone then called in and said a few nice words to Scott before Howard got back to Robin's news.
Scott is appearing on Comedy Central's ''Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn'' tonight at 11:30
-- Tuesday April 22, 2003 --
The Best Of Stern. 4/22/03. 6:00am
Howard and the crew flew out to Las Vegas yesterday to tape a few shows that will start airing tomorrow morning and run through Friday. So instead of having a live show today, we had a day of The Best of Stern. Here's what we heard:
''Shady Grove Mental Asylum'' commercial parody.
''Those Teeth'' song parody.
Howard and the guys talk about Scott DePace possibly being gay because he seems so homophobic.
A wacky woman shows up to tell Howard about ''the secrets of 666.'' An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
6/18/01. 9:50am
This wacky woman by the name of Sophia (or Sonny) showed up at Howard's station today. She claimed that she could tell him the secret of 666. Howard let her come in but she turned out to be kind of ''mental patient'' like. She was rambling incoherently and it was very disturbing to Howard. He did say that she looked pretty hot wearing a sheer scarf over her breasts. That was until he had her raise up her arms to reveal the hair in her pits. He told her she really needs to shave that area but she said she's comfortable with her body so there's no reason to do that. Howard let her ramble on and on for a little while and then told her that she should seek help. He also guessed that she was on some kind of medication at one point and she's not taking it now. She said she's never been on medication and we shouldn't teach kids to not take drugs if we're just going to put them on medications... blah, blah, blah.
Howard tried to find out what she knew about this 666 crap but, once again, she just rambled and couldn't form a single thought about it. It got even stranger when Howard took some phone calls. They were just as mental as this girl was. He had to hang up on a couple of them because they were making as much sense as she was.
Sophia told Howard that she just wanted to have a one on one meeting with him but there was no way he was going for that. Then as Howard was trying to get rid of her she said she really, really needs to meet with Ozzy Osbourne. Howard told her to get back on her medication and then maybe she could get to Ozzy. He told her he couldn't help her out with that.
KC came in and said that she might be the perfect girl for High Pitch Erik. Howard said that she could come back tomorrow to meet Erik. She then started rambling again about 666. Howard had to have KC drag her out of the studio because she couldn't take the hint that he was done with her.
During the whole segment Ron Zimmerman was making funny comments about this being like a ''Star Trek'' episode and other stuff. Howard said that Ron just ''fueled the fire'' with the girl and it made her more mental. It was funny but even more disturbing to hear this woman.
A couple of guys who used to screw dogs call in to talk about preventing animal sex abuse. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
These two guys called in from an organization that's trying to get laws passed so that sex with animals would be against the law. Right now it's only illegal in 25 states. Howard spoke to this guy Greg for a second but quickly got to Mike because he was a former animal abuser. He started this organization called ASAIRS (ASAIRS.com) Animal Sexual Abuse ... I can't remember what exactly the acronym was.
Mike went on to tell Howard about how he started having sex with dogs at the age of 9. He said he was a very anti-social person and he only had sexual relationships with dogs until about 4 years ago. He said that he eventually got obsessed with the whole thing and he was on the computer 20 hours a day in animal sex chats. He then decided to give it up after losing his friends. He was so bold that he would tell friends and neighbors about this sick obsessions.
Mike told Howard that he preferred the bigger breeds of dog like German Shepherds and St. Bernards among other large breeds. He would also use male dogs and they didn't struggle all that much. So Mike started this organization and Gary joined forces with him. Greg said he's never had sex with an animal but he's against it. Benjy was sitting in the studio and he argued that sex with animals isn't that bad. He argued that we kill animals and eat them so having sex with them shouldn't be viewed as being that horrible. Howard didn't let him argue too long because it was boring.
Howard also let a bunch of phone callers through to tell this guy how sick he is. Even though he's given it up, he's still hated by many. Callers said that he should be shot or strangled among other things. They also goofed on him. One guy had his dog bark for the guy. He interpreted the barks as though the dog was asking him out on a date and asking if the guy was circumcised. It was pretty funny actually.
Greg defended Mike saying that if he hadn't come forward with this whole thing there would still be a lot of people out there who couldn't get help. If you're one of those people, just visit their web site.
Howard interviews Wayne Gretzky. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
10/22/96. Hockey great, Wayne Gretzky, came in today just to hang out for a little while. Howard and Wayne talked mostly about Wayne's beautiful wife Janet Jones. Howard asked Wayne why Janet dropped out of show business. Janet wanted kids so she popped out 3 of them for Wayne. That's why she's been out of show business for a while. Wayne said that she's going to get back into it soon. The kids are getting older so she's going to start working again. Wayne had to get going to practice so he didn't stay too long.
Donald Trump calls in to talk about stealing AJ Benza's girlfriend. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
5/3/01. 10:20am
Donald Trump called in very late in the show today to promote the Miss Universe competition that's happening Friday night. AJ Benza, who was sitting in this morning, doesn't like Trump so Howard got the two of them started immediately. Trump told Howard that he doesn't hate AJ but he knows why AJ doesn't like him. Trump stole his girlfriend from him and that's why he hates him so much. AJ was dating some chick by the name of Kara Young. The two of them split up when AJ moved to L.A. from New York. Kara then met Trump and started dating him. AJ is saying that Trump stole her away the second time he started dating her. Trump said he didn't knowingly do that to him. He said he never knew that she was dating AJ at the same time. AJ says he's lying about that and he should have given up on Kara when he knew that AJ wanted her. Trump says that AJ wrote some lies in his book about the whole thing. The two of them went at each other for a good half hour or so. Trump was being nice for a few minutes but he eventually started calling AJ a loser. AJ made jokes about Trump's hair and stuff like that. At one point he threatened to kill Trump but then took it back and said he was going to beat him up pretty bad. He also threatened Trump that he was going to date his daughter Ivanka when she gets a little older. Trump told him he doesn't have a chance of that happening.
Gary eventually got this Kara Young on the phone to try and straighten things out. She basically backed up what Trump was saying but not exactly. She said that she did meet Trump when she was still dating AJ. AJ said that was a technicality and Trump was dating her when she was still going with him. It was all a bunch of crap but the fighting was funny as hell. Earlier AJ had said that Trump was still calling Kara incessantly trying to get her back. Kara said she didn't want to comment on that because Donald is dating someone now. By the end of the segment, around 11 o'clock, AJ was apologizing to Trump for yelling at him.
All Trump was calling in for was to promote the Miss Universe Pageant that airs Friday night at 9pm on CBS. Howard got around to plugging that at the end of his call. Howard then spent a couple of minutes talking to him about Miss France who was rumored to have been a man at one point in her life. Trump said it turns out she was never a man and if she had been, she would have been disqualified. This will probably be replayed on tomorrow's show because Howard thought it was great radio. He told Donald that he was going to promote the Miss Universe Pageant like crazy on the show tomorrow.
Hypnotist Paul McKenna comes in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
8/2/96. Paul McKenna has been in before to hypnotize some Scores girls in to thinking that Elephant Boy was a nice looking guy. He came in again today to hypnotize some interns. He also wanted to plug his ABC show 'The Worlds Funniest Hypnotist' which will be on at 8pm EST tomorrow night. Gary came in and said that he wasn't hypnotizable but a few of the female interns were. And so was Doug from the E! crew. Doug was the first to come in to the studio. Mckenna had Doug tell untruths to everyone in the studio. He was saying that he was a heart surgeon and that he dates Robin on a regular basis. He also said that he was the inventor of Windows 95! After telling his lies Mckenna had Doug come out of the hypnosis but told Doug to remember what he had just said. Doug got really embarrassed and couldn't believe what he himself had just said. The next two hypnotized victims were interns, Christina and Leslie. These two weren't as convincing as Doug. Christina was saying that she was the 'real' Robin Quivers and the Robin in the studio stole her job. After arguing with the Robin we all know and love, Christina became Kathie Lee Gifford. She played it too mellow. She told some lame stories and sang really bad. Leslie was hypnotized into thinking that she dates Howard. This seems to be one of Howard's favorite things to do with hypnotized women. He does it almost every time that people are hypnotized. Leslie was saying that she love's Howard's ass. She saw it at the movie shoot when he was dressed up in his Fartman uniform. I guess those dimples in his ass turn her on. She also said that she's having his baby! She also sang to Howard. She's a little better at it than Christina...but not much! She also talked about her sexual experience with Howard. Howard said that he wants her to get rid of the baby but she refused. Well that's about all I can take of this...so as Paul Mckenna might say to you ''Eyes open...wide awake..wakie wakie!!!''
-- Wednesday April 23, 2003 --
The Stern Show In Las Vegas 2003. 4/23/03. 6-7am
(This show was recorded Tuesday evening.) The show started off ''Live'' from Vegas, actually it was recorded the day before. Howard said he felt like he was at home in Vegas. He spoke to Robin about her flight out there and then said they were staying at the Hard Rock Hotel. They had a Blackjack dealer by the name of Michelle to play with them for the evening. Fans surrounded them and people were cheering the whole time.
Gary the Retard, Beetlejuice and Yucko the Clown (DamnShow.com) were just a few of the people Howard mentioned seeing. He spent a few seconds talking to each of them. Howard moved on to talk to Melrose Larry Green for a few seconds and then got to Yucko the Clown. Howard said that Yucko and John the Stutterer got into a big fist fight the night before. John the Stutterer was there yelling at Yucko and wouldn't shut up. He was saying he's a convicted child molester and stuff like that. Yucko explained how they got into a fight after John bumped into him. John said he was thrown out during the fight so Howard asked him why that was. John started to stutter so Fred got in on it and stuttered for him. The whole crowd started to do the same ''I, I, I, I, I, I'' stutter that Fred does.
Fred the Elephant boy was there so Howard spoke to him for a few seconds. He then moved on to Nicole Bass and Gary pointed out that it looked like she had some plastic surgery done or something. Nicole said that she may have gotten punched in the face during a fight.
Howard said the Artie Lange stories were going around already and someone had to put him to bed the night before because he was so shot. He had to take a break shortly after that but said he had more great stories coming up.
After the break Howard saw some girls from The Paradise Club. He said he has to go to that strip club. He ended up talking to them for a short time. He said he had to compliment them on their outfits which were really hot according to him. Artie said he'd be going there later in the evening. Howard talked to Amy Rochelle who is a Pam Anderson body double. She introduced her friend Darlene. Howard asked them how much it would cost him to have them come up to his room to strip for him. The girls changed the subject and brought up Artie's basketball game. Artie said he was out practicing basketball and got beat in a game of HORSE by some guy.
Howard went on to talk about Artie drinking seven Jack and waters on the flight out there. He said Vinnie Favale was drinking a bit too. They played cards on the flight out and Howard won $800. He said KC even won $300. Howard said Artie was so tanked that someone had to walk him up to his room and put him to bed. Artie said that wasn't true though. He said he went to bed and regrouped after a short time.
Howard got to the basketball game and brought up this chick Marissa Graby who will be playing Artie later in the show. Howard asked Artie what his plan is for the game. He said that he's going to muscle her out of the way and beat her. Gary said he saw her thighs and she's a very athletic looking woman.
Howard has been gambling with a bunch of the guys. He said he sat down at a table to play Blackjack and immediately started winning. He was up a few hundred bucks and then Scott the Engineer showed up. Howard said he hates Scott. Howard said Scott said hello and he started to lose. He said he could not get one winning hand. Artie said he witnessed it first hand and none of them could get a winning hand. Howard said he asked Scott not to come near him while he's there and he wasn't kidding about that. Howard thinks he's a jinx. Scott told him he won't see him the rest of the week. Howard called him his Kryptonite.
Robin said she heard that Howard's flight out was really bumpy. Howard said the turbulence was really bad and at one point he leaned over and hugged Artie. He said Beth asked him why he was hugging him and not her. Howard said if they went down in water, at least he could use Artie as a floatation device.
Howard said he and Beth have been role playing out there and Beth is playing the part of his ''little whore.'' He said he was introducing her to people as his ''little whore'' and it was a little uncomfortable.
Howard introduced the mayor of Las Vegas, Oscar B. Goodman, and said the guy won the spot with 80 percent of the vote there in Vegas. Goodman corrected him and said it was actually 87 percent. Howard wondered what was up with that. Howard talked to him about a few things. He told the Mayor about Artie's last time out there and how he accidentally got a whore. He told the Mayor that he wasn't soliciting a whore at the time, he thought she was just going to talk to him. She ended up charging him $500 for their night of sex.
Mayor Goodman said a few words about Howard and also about the great people in the crowd. Howard had Gary the Retard say ''hi'' to Mayor Goodman quickly. Mayor Goodman could just say ''Oh jeez'' when Gary started yelling. Goodman had some other things to talk about including the fact that he used to represent Jack Gordon years ago. Jack was there so Howard spoke to him for a short time. Baba Booey was in the crowd so he talked about how Latoya is pretty much done with Howard because he goofs on her too much when she comes on the show. Mayor Goodman gave Howard a key to the city and told him that perhaps the next time they come to the city, prostitution may be legalized. Howard told Mayor Goodman that he was going to use his key on a woman tonight. Gary told Howard that Mayor Goodman has a very good chance of becoming the next Governor of Nevada. He said he's almost a shoe in. Howard had to take another break right after that.
Howard came back and said things were nuts there at the Hard Rock. They had a couple more strippers from The Paradise Club dancing during the break. Howard spoke to the girls for a short time and welcomed them to the show. Howard reminded them that Artie would be making an appearance later in the evening.
Howard took some phone calls from listeners who were hearing the show live. Howard told the first caller that Artie would be taking on Marissa Graby about 45 minutes later. Artie said he can't wait. Howard took some more phone calls after that and one guy asked what they were doing that night. Howard said they were going to be playing ''Blackjack for a Rack'' and Win Fred's Money. They had a bunch of guests coming up as well. David Spade was going to be dropping by too. A 15 year old kid called in and asked how old you have to be to get into the casino. Howard said he was pretty sure they have to be 18 to get in so the kid was out of luck.
Blackjack For A Rack. Howard introduced this woman Jennifer Smithline who is ''flat as a board'' and needs breasts. Howard talked to her about why she wants implants. Howard said she has a great body and found out she weighs 106 pounds and is only 5'6'' tall. Howard said they were going to put up $5000, courtesy of ErikasCloset.com, for her to bet on a hand of Blackjack. If she wins she gets the money and can buy herself implants. Howard spoke to her about her life without boobs and how hard that was. Howard told her that she can take the money and pick the doctor she wants to use. Gary told Howard that she'll get the full $10,000 if she wins the hand. Howard figured they'd have to give the $5000 back to the sponsor if she won but that was wrong. Howard introduced Jennifer to their dealer Michelle and started the game. Jennifer got a 7 and then an Ace. The dealer was showing a 2. Jennifer stuck with the 18. Artie told her that he would have taken the soft 18 as a 3 but she stuck with it anyway. The dealer took a couple of cards and beat her with 19. Howard told Jennifer she was out of luck and won't be getting implants today.
Artie wanted to play a hand of Blackjack so he put up $1000. Artie got a 17 and the dealer was showing a 12. Artie stuck with the 17. The dealer got a 21 and beat him. Howard then put up $500 of his money and got 13. The dealer ended up getting 21 to Howard's 13. Three hands in a row lost. Gary told Howard that it was all Scott the Engineer's fault. They sent him 50 feet away since he was sitting right there next to the dealer. Since Scott was far enough away, Artie said he'd put up another $1000. Artie got a 15 against the dealer's 5. Artie got a 2 and had 17. It was a push when the dealer got 17 also. Artie got a 10 and another 10. The dealer had a 10 and then showed another 10. It was another push. The next hand Artie got 10, then 10 with 20 again. Dealer showed a 5 and a 10, then a 4 so she had 19 to Artie's 20. He finally won. It must have been Scott. Howard asked if they could put Scott in another state to guarantee he would win. They had to take another break after that. Gary told Howard they'd be meeting this singer Jennifer Halloway after that.
Starting off the second hour of the show Howard talked about how he has a pool table in his room. Then he caught sight of Beetlejuice getting a lap dance from a stripper. Beet said he wouldn't dance himself because he weighs too much. Howard said the girls didn't know what to do with him. Howard also saw Joey Boots out there in the crowd. He said he had a PayPal account set up and people contributed to him so he could get a ticket out there. He said you can still contribute through SternFanNetwork.com so he can someday, get a lap dance.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who was on the show talking about his investigation of Elegant Elliott Offen. He said he's now part of an investigative team that looked into strip clubs. He said in Las Vegas they found that at one club the stripper he had was grabbing him and going at it with him. Howard said he doesn't know why the guy would expose stuff like that. The audience was yelling ''HOMO!'' to the guy as he described what they found. Howard didn't seem to think it was too cool to tell people that stuff but the guy said it was sweeps month and that's why they did the piece.
Howard meets Jennifer Halloway. For a couple of years now, whenever Howard mentions Las Vegas, they play this retarded guy singing about Las Vegas and Jennifer Halloway. Gary finally found out who Jennifer was and invited her to appear on the show. Howard said it was nice to meet her finally. She said it was great to be there. She said she wasn't even aware of the song and was hearing it for the first time on the air. She said her name isn't Jennifer Halloway anymore. She said her agent had her change it to Jennifer Avalon. Howard asked Jennifer if she remembers this retarded guy that sang the song. That she remembered and it was actually a whole group of retarded people that came to her show. She said the group got to go up on stage with her and sing. She said that there is also a Jennifer Halloway who is a TV news woman but they're two completely different women. The audience was singing the ''Jennifer Halloway'' song to her as she sat on stage. Gary the Retard was singing his own song to her as well. He wanted to be with her so that's what he sang about. Howard told her it was very fun to meet her. She said she wasn't even aware of the notoriety she was getting on Howard's show from that song. Howard gave her a plug for her appearances at the Tropicana Casino out there in Vegas. She appears at Airplay at the Tropicana very often. Howard let Yucko say a few words to her before letting her go. Howard played her off stage with that song. Howard said Jennifer Avalon just doesn't flow like Halloway does. He asked Gary the Retard to say Avalon and it didn't come out like it was supposed to.
Michael Buffer was next up on the show. Howard pointed out how Buffer has gone completely gray with his hair. He said Buffer will be announcing Artie's basketball game in a short time. He also heard that Buffer has been tradmarking more of his lines. He has already trademarked the ''Let's get ready to rumble!'' and now he's tradmarked ''Let's get ready for roundball'' which he's been doing for basketball games for years. Howard said Buffer has already copyrighted ''Let's get ready to crumble!'' Then there was ''Let's get ready to tumble!'' for a waterpark ride he announced one time. Howard said they'll be hearing the ''Let's get ready for roundball!'' for Artie's game. Howard had Buffer give them a ''Let's get ready for Anal!'' which Howard wants to copyright himself. Howard said Buffer also copyrighted ''Let's get ready to gamble!'' Buffer said that's because he's going to be involved with some stuff later this year that he'll be using that for. Buffer wanted to gamble a little bit himself so he said he'd put up his own $500 on a hand of Blackjack. Buffer got a 12 and the dealer had a King. Buffer took a hit and busted with a 10. Buffer said he'd still send a donation to the Make a Wish foundation for the bet even though he lost.
Gary told Howard a story that Sam Simon told him about Buffer refusing to announce a celebrity by the name of Artie Lange at one point. Buffer explained what happened there and said there was more of a story. While they were talking about that and getting ready to bring up Marissa Graby, Howard saw a fight going on. It looked like Nicole Bass and Melrose Larry but it turned out to be Joey Boots and Melrose. Nicole broke up the fight. Joey said that Larry grabbed his sack and he socked him. Larry was ejected from the casino for that.
Howard brought up basketball player Marissa Graby who would be playing Artie in a game. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Marissa who watched Artie practice a bit earlier in the day. She said he's got a pretty good shot. Howard gave everyone her background and how she played for Penn State when she was going to school there. She said she's been practicing herself and she's ready to beat Artie. Howard said a lot of the guys have bets on the game plus they'll be playing for a grand prize of $10,000. Bally Total Fitness put up the money for the game. Gary said that they also put up some tickets for the final Bruce Springsteen concert to make the grand prize even more enticing.
There was more fighting going on in the crowd. Joey Buttafuoco and Nicole Bass were going off on one another. Buttafuoco was badmouthing her and Nicole wasn't having any of it. They got microphones on them and you could hear Joey asking Nicole to take the bolts out of her neck. Buttafuoco was ready to take her on in a fight now that they were face to face. Joey said he'd like to kick her in the balls. The crowd was chanting ''Let them fight! Let them fight!'' over and over again. Joey was calling Nicole a man and complaining about her talking smack to him on the phone and not willing to do anything now that they're face to face. Howard asked if they already fought or something. Nicole said she'll fight him but she doesn't go around disrespecting anyone like he's doing to her. She said she was so mad she couldn't even articulate what she was thinking. She pointed out how he wouldn't sign the contract the last time they were supposed to fight. Howard tried to get them to calm down. Joey had a girl with him so Howard talked to Joey about her. Howard spent a little longer talking to Joey about him fighting with Nicole. Joey said he'd fight her anywhere Howard wants, anytime he wants. Howard had to take another break though. He said Yucko the Clown looked like he was stunned by all of this. Even Yucko couldn't believe what was going on.
After taking another break Howard and the guys were outside for Artie's basketball game. He described the scene and said that the game was sponsored by Bally Total Fitness. Sitting next to Howard was Larry Michael who would be announcing the game for them. Larry said he was wrong when he picked Cabbie to win the fight against Stuttering John so he was going to pick Artie to win today. He said Artie has the advantage of ''girth'' against Marissa. Marissa has a height advantage though. Howard asked Marissa how much she weighs. She said she's at 175 or so. Artie claimed he was the same weight. Howard went on to introduce ''Marv Albert'' who was also sitting in for the game. The Marv impersonator had a few jokes to throw in about Artie. Artie had a wireless microphone hooked up to him so he'd be able to talk during the game. Howard started the game a short time later. He had to plug SportChalet.com since they hooked them up with the basketball equipment. Howard then turned it over to Michael Buffer who gave them a rundown of the players. Marissa Graby is 6'2'' tall and weighs in 175 pounds. Artie is 5'10'' tall and weighs in somewhere between 200 and 300 pounds depending on how much he's eaten or thrown up that day. Buffer then gave them a ''Let's get ready for Roundball!''
Howard turned it over to Larry Michael and introduced the ref, Bobby McRoy. The game started and Marissa took the ball. It was a 15 point game and the winner had to win by 2 points. Artie got the first point and the crowd went nuts when he got it. Artie took another shot and hit it again. Marissa finally got one a short time later. Marissa missed a free throw but got another basket within seconds. Artie got another one which brought it to 3-2. Artie was fouling Marissa according to Robin. Artie hit another shot and got his fourth shot in. Howard bet that he wouldn't even get 4 shots so he lost $1,200. Artie had to take a break a short time later because he was winded and needed a drink of water. The score was 4-3. Artie hit another one a minute later bringing it to 5. Larry Michaels was giving the play by play the whole time. Howard said that Marissa's nose was bleeding at one point. Robin said Artie was playing kind of rough. Marissa fouled Artie at one point. Within a short time it was 9-4 with Artie winning. He was hitting shots from way outside and was making just about every shot. He was dominating the game much to the surprise of Howard. The score was 10-5 and Artie hit another according to Larry. The crowd started cheering Artie's name. Robin wondered where this was coming from because Artie is no athlete. During most of the game they had the song ''Sweet Georgia Brown'' playing like it was a Harlem Globetrotters game. Artie was up to 12-5 and Marissa finally hit another shot. Howard said this was more exciting than a professional game. Robin said it's obvious that Artie doesn't have a problem hitting a woman in the face. He was fouling her a lot during the game. The score was soon 12-8 with Artie winning. Marissa was finally catching up and got it up to 12-9. Robin said Artie was getting tired. The score was soon 13-10. Artie shot another one and got it up to 14-10. One more point and he'd win. Howard said Artie was out of breath but he was still hanging in there. He was missing a few shots here and there. Marissa got it up to 14-12... Then it was 14-13, then 14-14! The winner had to win by 2 points. Marissa went up, took a shot and missed. Artie also missed a shot. The two of them were both missing shots like crazy. Larry said both of them looked tired by this time. Marissa ended up winning 16-14. Artie was upset and didn't give her a hug. Artie played really well so Howard let him know. Artie admitted defeat and wished Marissa luck with the ten grand. Marissa came back from a 12-6 score to beat Artie. Artie said that he still thinks he can beat a WNBA chick. Howard introduced a guy from Bally Total Fitness who presented Marissa with some fitness equipment. Howard spoke to her for a minute and gave Bally a few plugs since they put up the $10,000 for the game. Artie thanked Bally himself since he worked out a bit before this game. He said without them, he would have lost 16-13 instead of 16-14. Howard gave plugs to Larry Michael and Michael Buffer as well. He took a break a short time later.
Most of the basketball game took place during the 8 o'clock hour. It started earlier but ran until about 8:20 or so. When Howard came back from break, around half past the hour, he was back inside the Hard Rock. He was complaining about his microphone and headphones not working correctly. He asked Scott the Engineer to get things working. He then congratulated Artie on almost winning. Artie said he didn't get one call in his favor during the game. He said he was getting fouled quit a bit. Gary told Artie that he beat up a chick while he was out there because he was fouling her like crazy. Gary said that Artie has ''an amazing shot'' though. A listener called in and told Artie he sucks and should be forced to go home. Howard wondered when all of this is going to air. Doug Goodstein said something about 2 weeks but even Howard didn't know what he was talking about. Artie said if they had played to 11 points, he would have won. He was really worn out by the end of the game. A few people called in to complain about Artie losing because he was so confident he was going to win.
Howard said things were going ''fairly smoothly'' even though he wasn't able to hang up on the listener who called in. Robin said they'd have everything fixed by Thursday, their last day there.
Benjy was there at the casino so Howard pointed him out. A couple of weeks ago they talked about putting posters of him all over the casino but Benjy wouldn't let them. Joe Cancer was there so Howard spent a short time talking to him. He was supposed to be dead by now so Zolar started yelling at him to die already. Zolar also yelled at Artie about losing. He called him ''Not-so-Manute-Bol'' and ''Fatrick Ewing'' before Howard got back to Joe Cancer. He said he was told he'd be dead soon 15 months ago because his cancer came back. He just won't die. Joe told Howard that someone from his family will contact Howard when he does die.
Howard said Nicole Bass has a whole new look and looks like Jennifer Aniston with balls. Artie said she looks like Jennifer Aniston as a huge guy. John the Stutterer was calmed down so Howard quickly said hello to him. Joey Boots was still there so Howard spoke to him because he thought he was kicked out. Joey said it was Melrose who was kicked out. Yucko the Clown said he wants a piece of John the Stutterer. John said he'll take him on out in the parking lot. Nicole Bass wants to take on Joey Buttofucco so now they have an undercard of John the Stutterer and Yucko.
The World's Saddest Listener Contest contestants started coming in after that. Howard introduced Jody and gave out her last name (which they bleeped out since the show was taped last night). He asked Gary about that and thought they weren't using last names. Howard said he was going to take a break and explain to Gary why that was a major mistake. He said he should be awarded the saddest story because of what he has to deal with. He went to break a short time later.
After the break Howard got back to the World's Saddest Listener contest. He said they executed Gary during the break to take care of the problem they had using last names. Howard took a couple of calls for Artie. Guys were really pissed that he lost. Howard spent a minute doing that and then got back to the Saddest Listener contest. He brought up Johnathan who suffers from a rare, terminal disease. I have no idea what the name of it is because the name was really odd. He said the disease effects his arteries and it's closing them down. He said he started coughing up blood and stuff last summer and they found he had an enlarged heart. He has no insurance to cover the care he needs to go through. He said the first year will cost him $50,000 alone. He said he has to take a drug that's experimental so it's not covered. Howard said he walks with a cane so he asked him if he's in pain. He said he's not really in pain but he does find it tough to walk. He just got engaged 2 weeks ago also. They're living in his fiancee's parents basement right now. Johnathan said this medication could help him live into his 60's if it works. If it doesn't work, he might die within 10 years. Howard said you can vote for these people at GoldenPalace.com. They'll play the $100,000 hand of Blackjack on Thursday.
Howard introduced Bonnie who was the next possible contestant. She told Howard that when she was 16 she crushed every bone in her face when she fell off a trampoline. She's been going through surgery to fix it for 20 years and because she has rheumatoid arthritis, the surgery is not working. She may have to go through surgery where they'd use a rib to fix her jaw. She also shattered her knees when she fell off the trampoline. Howard read that she also has to punch herself in the jaw to close her mouth sometimes because her jaw has no joints. She said that her husband is also in bad shape. He had open heart surgery 7 years ago and may have to have more surgery. They also found a lump in his throat and that will have to be checked out. They are in danger of losing their home and both of them are very sick. The $100,000 bet could change their life. She said if she wins at least she knows her family would be taken care of. Artie said he needed another drink after hearing that story.
Howard brought up Jody next and said that she lost money 3 years ago when her husband had an accident at work. He had a spinal fusion done and it didn't work. He had all kinds of medical bills that caused them to lose cars and their home went into foreclosure. Her husband came home one night and threatened to kill her and her kids. He was arrested after a SWAT team showed up at their home. He's now in jail for 16 years. She said his son hasn't gotten child support for years. She wants to use some of her winnings for the guy's son. Then she added that she was hit by a drunk driver the day her husband went to jail. She had a herniated disc after that and her left arm is messed up from that. She can't work and has no money coming in. Her utilities are shut off and she's being evicted on June 15th. She and her kids have been living off of peanut butter and jelly. Her landlord has been letting her go for a few months without paying rent. She has no means of support whatsoever. She thanked Howard for just letting her come out there with them. She said she loves the show. Howard told them they're all great and thanked them for coming in. He also told the audience to go out and vote. Gary told Howard they'll know who the contestant will be by tomorrow. They'll also play the game. Bonnie said that maybe there will be an angel out there who will help out the two people who don't get to bet the $100,000. Artie said ''You're looking at him!... You're all invited to Club Paradise tonight.'' Howard had to take another break after that. He said David Spade would be coming in and they'd probably be playing ''Win a date with Karina.''
The Stern Show In Las Vegas 2003. 4/23/03. 9-10am
After the break Howard said the Paradise Club chicks were very distracting. Miss Howard Stern, Andrea Ownbey, was also there so he said hello to her. He then brought in David Spade. Howard said they had a real guest finally. Spade said Artie's game should have been called ''Operation Shock Then Lose.'' He told Howard he hung out behind Ralph during the basketball game and thought Artie did pretty well. Howard said David didn't gamble with them earlier. Spade said he doesn't do that, he just goes up to his room and burns $100 bills instead. Gary came up and said that he was kind of rude to David last night. He said he ended up leaving David alone with Scott the Engineer at dinner last night. David said he and Scott spent some time talking about all kinds of stuff. Howard asked David what's going on with ''Just Shoot Me.'' David said he thinks the show is pretty much done now. They started airing new shows last night so they'll run for a couple of months. He said they were up against ''American Idol'' so it pretty much killed the show. David isn't too upset about it though. Artie said David met a porn star last night and once she said she did porn, he dropped her and left. Stuttering John came up and said that David demands all kinds of special seating whenever he goes somewhere to eat or flies somewhere. David said he has a bad neck so he needs something to help him out. He said he can't win talking about it so he gave up within seconds. Stuttering John said he has a special seat in this theater he goes to and they always know where to seat him when he goes there. Howard changed subjects and brought up this guy Scott Peterson who is charged with his wife's murder. He said the guy's hair is the worst dye job he's ever seen. Howard and David talked about that for a minute and compared his stupid actions to OJ Simpson's.
Howard moved on to this chick Karina (SinCity.com) who was going to play a hand of Blackjack for a Date with her. Howard said it's not only a date but someone could get pregnant on the 'date.' Howard said she's a really beautiful woman and wondered why she'd be in porn. They spent a minute talking to her and then brought up this guy Luis who was going to play the game. Howard asked Luis what he thought of this chick. He said ''In the words of KC... NICE!'' He said he hasn't gotten laid in a long time. Howard said he's kind of heavy set. He told Howard that he's 100 percent Mexican. Karina said she's never had sex with a Mexican before so this would be her first. Howard got the dealer up there with them and said they'd be playing one hand of Blackjack. Howard talked to Karina for a little longer while they waited for Michelle to get ready. They didn't put any money down on the hand. Karina and Luis got a 19. The dealer was showing a 3 and turned over an 8. The dealer pulled a 10 out after that and got 21. Poor Luis lost. Gary said she'd be back tomorrow to play again though.
David Spade and Howard spent a little while talking. David said he pulled a muscle down in his ''nether regions'' and had to pull it out in front of him. Howard wondered why David was talking about that because he was trying to talk about his General Manager. Howard said he went to have a steam and Tom Chiusano was there naked. He said he didn't look at his package or anything. Ralph then told Howard that Tom spread his legs and didn't even care. He said he saw his whole package. Gary said he saw Tom's ass in the shower accidentally too. He left the shower open and Gary saw his naked ass. Tom came up a short time later so Howard asked him about the nudity. He heard that Tom isn't that large either. Tom said he had a towel on and it didn't stay on because it wasn't comfortable for him so he took it off. Ralph said he couldn't help looking because he was sitting right in front of him. Howard said KC was in the steam room too and he was wearing underwear under his towel. KC swore that he wasn't wearing underwear. He said he couldn't stand being in there but he wasn't wearing underwear.
Gary told Howard that this chick was standing in the front row showing David Spade what she'd be doing to him with this giant inflatable penis. Howard said David was acting real cool up on stage but he'd probably be banging her later. She invited Spade over to her house in Henderson so he could sit with her in the swing she has hanging from her ceiling. Howard took a break a short time later. He had one more round of ''Blackjack for a Rack'' to get to.
The Stern Show In Las Vegas 2003. 4/23/03. 10:00am
Howard came back from break and said that Artie was gambling during the break. Artie put $1000 up and won a hand. Scott the Engineer said hi to him after the win and he went on to lose 5 hands in a row after that. Scott said it was all in Artie's head though.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered when this is going to air on E!. Gary told him it'll start on May 5th.
Artie was buzzed from drinking after exercising. He said if you do that and start drinking, you get buzzed quicker. Howard took another phone call from a guy who said he thought the basketball game was fixed when Artie was winning but when he lost, he knew it wasn't fixed.
Howard reminded everyone to go vote at GoldenPalace.com for the World's Saddest Story contest. He also pointed out how quiet the show got all of a sudden. He said Scott finally figured out what the problem was earlier in the show.
Howard got to another round of ''Blackjack for a Rack'' and introduced Mandy who was pretty flat chested. Howard said she was probably an A-cup and he was right. She said she does bikini competitions all the time and never wins. She's convinced it's the breasts. Artie said it may be her ''Moe from the Three Stooges hair cut'' too. She claims to be anorexic and weighed only 65 pounds at her worst. She was also sexually abused by a family member from the age of 5. She also claims that she squealed on her grandfather for doing that and he went to prison. She said her sister was born and she didn't want her to go through the same thing. He ended up dying in prison. Howard said this hand of Blackjack was courtesy of Guitar Center. Howard wondered if Mandy's grandfather ever complained about her flat chest. She said she thought he liked it that way since she was so young when the molestation started. Howard moved on to the game after that. She got a 14 and the dealer was showing a 5. Howard said all of the rule books say to stick when a dealer shows a 5 but he wasn't going to tell her what to do. Artie said he'd stick. Mandy said she'd stay. The dealer had 14 so she took a hit, got a 2 and had to hit on 16. She busted so Mandy won $10,000! Howard told her that she can get some nice breasts with money like that. Howard told her to come in and show them her breasts when she does get them done. Howard wrapped up the show and thanked everyone for showing up. Howard said a few words to Yucko and John the Stutterer before ending the show. They were done by ten minutes after the hour.
-- Thursday April 24, 2003 --
(This show was recorded Wednesday evening.) Howard and Robin started the show off talking about how the people all came back to see them again. Howard said he was feeling kind of ''nappy'' and that Benjy told him to just yell stuff out to the crowd. Howard had Artie yell out a AC/DC ''Fi-AH!''
Howard said he's been having fun out there in Vegas. He saw all kinds of hot chicks hanging around at the Hard Rock Hotel out by the pool. Gary said it was pool day at the Hard Rock and all of the hot chicks were there. Howard wondered why they can't do the show early in the morning to get it out of the way so they can go hang out at the pool the rest of the day. He talked about how great the food is there and how well they're being treated there. He brought up his breakfast and said he eats egg whites and stuff like that. Artie said he has all of that plus a Coke. Howard said Artie drinks more Coke than anyone he knows.
Howard said his new favorite game out there is Craps. He said they take his money faster than any other game but that makes him happier for some reason. He said he loved it. Howard told Robin about the game and what happened when he and the other guys were playing last night.
Howard talked about seeing Melrose Larry Green out at the pool the night before and he had the biggest man boobs he's ever seen. Melrose was there and told Howard he never touched Joey Boots' sack yesterday. Howard told him he was the worst and made them take the microphone away from him. Howard moved on to talk about Nicole Bass and how she was out at the pool in a thong bikini. He said Beth mistook her for a dude. Yucko the Clown was there and Howard said he was hanging around as a regular guy yesterday and he's really nice until he puts on that clown outfit. Howard put him on and talked to him for a minute. He claimed that he banged a stripper the night before. Gary said it's true and he saw the stripper and she was all over him at the club. Gary said he was just ''Roger'' that night and the stripper was really hot. Yucko thanked Howard for everything he's done for them out there because it's great.
Howard spoke to a hot fan who was in the crowd. Ralph told Howard that Benjy hooked up with a hot chick last night and saw him making out with her in a corner somewhere. Howard asked Benjy about that and he said her name was Toni. He asked if she was in the crowd because he lost track of her. Ralph said the chick was way hot. Benjy said Doug helped him out by acting like he was a huge fan. Howard asked him if he got lucky last night. He said he got pretty lucky but not completely lucky.
Howard got back to the Craps game and talked about that for a couple of minutes. Artie talked about how crappy he felt this morning after drinking so much the day before plus playing the basketball game.
Howard said they're going to be playing Wack Pack Blackjack, Win a Date, Win Fred's Money, World's Saddest Listener $100,000 bet plus a bunch of guests will be dropping by later in the show. Howard noticed that they were bringing in a bunch of strippers from Club Paradise as he was getting ready to go to break. Artie went over to the club and blew $5000 worth of funny money over there according to Gary. Howard picked out one of the dancers from Club Paradise who looked really young to him. He spent a few seconds talking to her and then went to break.
Howard came back and said the Hard Rock is full of Rock N' Roll memorabilia. He joked that they have Jimi Hendrix vomit and in the David Lee Roth section they have David himself standing there. Howard went over some of the stuff that happened on the show yesterday. He brought up the almost-fight between Nicole Bass and Joey Buttafuoco and a bunch of other little things. He went on to ask Robin what she did the night before. She told him she went to dinner with Fred, Tom Chiusano and Don Buchwald. She said she didn't know what Fred said at dinner though. They talked about that for a minute and moved on to a few other things.
Howard took a phone call from a listener who said that Howard should be playing Blackjack with a single or double deck instead of a six deck like they played with yesterday. Another caller asked if Scott's jinx was still following him around. Howard said that jinx is still on him and he's still losing. He said Scott is going to have to leave the room when they do the $100,000 bet. Jeff the Drunk called in to talk to Artie for a few seconds but Howard quickly moved on to Gary the Retard. He asked him what he does out there. Gary the Retard said he won some money but didn't spend it on strippers like Howard figured he would. Beetlejuice was there too so Howard asked him how much he's lost. Beet said he's down by $1000 or so. KC came in and said that Beet got himself a whore the night before. Howard spent a minute talking about that. Beetlejuice said he spent about 3 hours with her. KC said he heard that the whore wouldn't have sex with him though so he kicked her out of the room. Beet said that was true and he didn't have sex with her. Gary said he met her and she was palm reading his palm telling him something great was going to happen to him. He figured out that she was a whore though and nothing great happened.
Howard spent a minute talking to High Pitch Erik who owed a fortune to a limo driver. Erik said that was all taken care of. Gary said that he sent a check to the guy recently. Gary said he's going to check when they go back and find out if he's lying or not. Howard wondered how he can take a week off to do this without pay. Erik said they let him go without pay so he went. Gary asked him how much money he brought out there. Erik said he brought out $200. Howard said that money belongs to the limo driver he owes though. Erik told the guys that he works in a parts department of a Toyota dealer for $11 an hour. Howard said he had a ton of questions for Erik and Beetlejuice but they were about to play ''Wack Pack Blackjack.'' Howard and the crew are taking $200 of their own money to play some hands of Blackjack with. They can't coach them when they play the hands though. Howard had Beetlejuice playing for him, Robin had High Pitch Erik, Fred had Gary the Retard and Artie had Gary the Retard also. Stuttering John had High Pitch Erik with Robin and Gary had Beetlejuice along with Howard. The Wack Pack would be playing with $400 each. Nikki the dealer said she'd have to give them a hit on 21 if they asked for it.
Howard moved on to the game and had Nikki deal the first game. Erik, Beetlejuice and Gary all put down their first bets. Erik had $200, Beetle had $300 and Gary put down $100. Howard talked about who had what on the table and Erik had 14. He took a hit and got up to a 21. Beetlejuice had 16 and stuck with that. Gary had a 19 but took a hit. He got a 4 and blew his hand. Erik won his money and Beetle lost his when the dealer got a 20. In the second hand everyone put down there bets and Erik got 17, Beet got 18, Gary had 6. The dealer had 10 showing. Erik stuck with the 17. Beetlejuice stuck at 18. Gary the Retard stuck with 6. The dealer got a 19 so everyone lost that hand. Howard asked the guys if they had any money left. Gary the Retard had a couple of chips and High Pitch threw down a few more bucks. Erik had 11 and took a hit and stuck with it. Gary the retard had an ace and a 9 and took a hit. He got a 5 which brought him from a 20 to a 15. He stayed with that hand. The dealer had 21. Erik and Gary both lost.
Howard said it should be against the law to let a retard lose like that. Nikki said that they can't tell if people are just drunk or what's going on sometimes so they can't help anyone.
Stuttering John said he heard that when High Pitch got off the plane in Vegas he requested a wheelchair. Erik said he asked for it because his feet were killing him. Howard asked him why he can't just walk. Gary pointed out to him that he's obese and the only way he's going to lose weight is if he gets off his ass and walks around a bit. Howard took a break a few seconds after that.
Howard came back from break and talked about the strippers from Club Paradise who were dancing for them. He wondered where they get the pants they wear. One of the girls said she gets her stuff from Strings by Judith right there in Las Vegas.
Adam Carolla dropped by the show and spent some time talking to Howard. Howard said Adam always makes it a point to drop by and visit the show when they're out there. Adam ordered a beer so Artie decided to have a drink himself. Howard said tomorrow they'll be doing their infamous drinking show where everyone gets drunk during the show. Howard went on to take a phone call from a woman who was complaining that she was escorted out from the Hard Rock after she flashed Howard. Howard said it was magnificent and he didn't know she got kicked out. Howard said Beth was with him at the time and thought it was kind of disrespectful. Howard said he was told that he was told that she got kicked out because her boobs weren't good enough. He was just joking though.
Howard said they have this hot porno star who is willing to go on a ''date'' with one of his fans. He said the ''date'' is a loose date so guys can get farther than they think. He introduced Nikki Norwood and plugged her stuff for her. She has a DVD called ''Virtual Dreams'' that's available at VirtualDreamsDVD.com. She's also got her own web site at NikkiNorwood.com.
Howard asked her about her thong bikini and about her breasts. She said they're fake but Howard said they looked real. She's only 18 years old and has been in porn for just 4 months. She told Howard about her short career and when she decided to get into porn. She said she was a sophomore in high school when she made that decision. Adam joked that they had a career day and someone told her about the porn business. Gary told Howard that Nikki's manager is her father. Howard found that hard to believe. He spent a minute talking about that. Gary told Howard she has some sad stories in her life too so he went through her bio. Howard said her sisters died in a house fire after their Christmas tree lights caught fire. She was in the house too and even has a scar on her shoulder from it. She was hit by a car when she was only 7 years old also. Howard said she's got a lot of bad luck following her around. Howard wondered if her family still celebrates Christmas after the horrible fire. She said they do but they have a fake tree and only put bows on it instead of lights. Howard also read some stuff about her previous boyfriends and stuff. Nikki told Howard that her parents sued the christmas tree company after the fire and won millions of dollars. She said they don't even have to work. Howard thought it was quite a story and felt like doing something nice for her... by letting on of his listeners go on a ''date'' with her. She said she's actually excited about doing it though.
Howard then brought up this guy Richard who was going to play a hand of Blackjack for the chance to ''date'' Nikki. Howard said the guy claims that he hasn't had sex in 9 years. Howard wondered why that was because he didn't seem that bad looking. Richard said it might be a confidence thing. He said the last time he had sex was December 17th, 1993. He's only had 3 chicks in his life and they were all in that year. It turns out this guy always leaves voice mail messages about KC at their station. Howard then recognized his voice because they play those messages quite often. Howard moved on to the game and had the dealer deal the cards. Howard said Richard had 15 and the dealer was showing an 8. Howard said if you follow the suggestions of people who play, you take a hit when you have 15. That's what he did and, of course, busted when he got a 10. The dealer would have busted if he stuck with it. Howard thanked Nikki for coming down and wrapped up the segment.
After the break Howard said he's hung out with Ralph and Artie while out there in Vegas. Robin is never around though. She said she's just ''chillin'' and not doing much. Howard asked her if she ever gets lonely. She said she never has that problem though. Howard said he's got a pool table in his room but hasn't used it yet. Robin has a huge room with some exercise equipment in it. Howard said Fred and Stuttering John are never around either. Howard talked about how he walks around with security the whole time and when he wants to go look at chicks, they hide him away in a cabana at the pool. He said they walk him around like he's the Pope.
Howard saw John the Stutterer in the crowd so he asked him what he's been up to. The whole crowd started doing Fred's ''I, I, I, I, I...'' fake stutter when he started talking and he couldn't get a word in. John eventually got out some lines and said that he flew in with Beetlejuice and his manager Sean. That was about all he could get out though so Howard gave up on trying.
Howard went off on CBS President Les Moonves for some reason. He called him a ''snake in the grass'' and said he really hates him. Howard is in the middle of a lawsuit against the creators of ''Are You Hot?'' because they ripped him off. He said that he got a call from Les who told Howard he's glad he's suing them. Then Howard said Les turned over the whole CBS legal department to Howard if he wanted them. Howard said he didn't use them because he just doesn't trust Les. Howard said he read in Variety that Les has made a deal with Mike Fleiss and Scott Einziger to do a show for CBS even after calling them thrives and telling Howard it was good that he was suing them. Howard told Les not to bother calling him again and if he ever puts his arm around him again, he's going to kick him in the nuts, literally. He was really pissed about that. Howard said Les really is the snake in the grass he thought he was. Howard said the head of ABC is a better guy than Les, and they're the network who put that ''Are You Hot?'' show on the air. Howard said he didn't want to get all negative but he had to get that out. He said ''So much for the CBS family.'' since he works for them himself.
It was time for ''Win Fred's Money!'' Howard sent Fred off to a room so he couldn't hear what was going on. Howard read some stuff about this guy who was playing today. He sounds like a pretty smart guy but he strips for a living. He claims that he's not going to be a stripper for the rest of his life though. He said he had to do that to support himself while he was going to school. He said he can make some decent money doing that and his best money comes from bachelorette parties. He talked about that a little bit and talked about some of the lame stuff they do at those parties. The guy laughed when Howard asked him if he's banged any of the bachelorettes at these parties. He said he wouldn't give an answer to that question but said that he's seen some people whose marriages probably won't last. Gary told Howard that this guy has stripped for Pam Anderson and some other celebrities. He's also appeared in Playgirl a few times. Howard moved on to the game shortly after that. He explained the rules to the guy and said if he wins, he gets to bet the $10,000 on a hand of Blackjack. Howard then gave him the questions. Here are the questions and correct answers:
Named for a Swiss doctor, this psychological test uses standardized ink blots. - Rorschach test
In history, the assassin who killed John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald was in turn killed by who? - Jack Ruby
A word or phrase that reads the same forward or backward is called what? - Palindrome
In sports, what grand slam event is held on clay? - The French Open
In fashion, what animal is the material Cashmere from? - Goat
The Purple Heart has a picture of what President on it? - George Washington
The 1851 classic novel with the first words ''Call me Ishmael'' is what? - Moby Dick
The player was able to get 3 of those answers correct in one minute. Fred then came back and blew him away when he got all 7 correct in 50 seconds. After the game Howard found out that Fred had to kick Vince Neil out of the bathroom so he could go in there to wait for the game to be over. He said it looked like Vince was kind of pissed because he may have been getting ready to pull down his pants to take a dump or something. Howard had to wrap up that segment shortly after that.
Howard came back from break and said they hang out after the show and just drink and gamble. Artie said he's having more fun than ever. Howard had to give a plug to Permatex who sponsored Win Fred's Money. Howard also gave Adam a couple of plugs for the stuff he had going on before getting to Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern'' Ownbey who was in the crowd. She had a friend with her that Howard was checking out. The girls were drowned out by the sound of the crowd. He said it's virtually impossible to put a microphone out there because of the noise. They moved Andrea up closer so they could interview her. Howard asked her a few questions about what she's been doing there in Vegas. She was wearing hot pants so Howard had her turn around for him. The guys joked that Andrea was a problem during Win Fred's Money because she was yelling out all of the answers. Adam asked her if she even knows what an answer is. She knew and even spelled the word ''answer'' correctly. Gary asked Andrea when she was going to start working for Club Paradise. Andrea said she doesn't live there so that won't happen. Howard said Club Paradise and the Hard Rock were putting on a bikini contest after the show. Howard wanted to be there but Gary told him he'd be at a client meeting. Howard said ''Oh no I won't!'' Howard said Ralph ran into Vince Neil and said he was trashed already.
The World's Saddest Story $100,000 Bet was up next. Howard said they had voting going on over at GoldenPalace.com and they were going to get to the winner and the big bet. Howard explained the rules of the $100,000 Blackjack hand and then introduced the three contestants. First up was Johnathan who has a rare disease that is shutting down his vascular system. Howard said this money could save his life. Then there's Bonnie who had all kinds of problems with her face after shattering it when she fell off a trampoline. She has arthritis and the surgeries she's had so far haven't worked. Finally, there was Jody who has no money and will be homeless in a couple of weeks. Howard explained some of the other horrible things that happened to her before announcing the winner. Jody said that the utility companies she's been dealing with have given her some extra time to get money to pay her bills. She said the electric company is shutting her off very soon though. Howard had the envelope with the winner in it. He kept them in suspense for a few seconds and told Bonnie that life just got a little worse because she didn't win. She only got 19 percent of the vote. Howard apologized and moved on to Jody. He talked to her for a few seconds and then to Johnathan. He said he may die if he doesn't win this. Howard said that Johnathan was the winner with 42 percent of the vote. Howard had Johnathan go up to the Blackjack table so he could play his $100,000 hand. KC reminded Howard to kick Scott the Engineer out of the room when they played the hand so he wouldn't jinx it. Howard wanted to take a break first so people would stay tuned and so he could take a pee.
When they returned from break Howard gave Adam a couple of plugs and said he loves when he's on the show. Howard went on to talk about how nervous he gets when they do these $100,000 bets. He spent a little while talking to Johnathan before playing the hand. Howard said they'd help him out as much as possible. Howard said they have an insurance guy there as well as the people from the Hard Rock with the $100,000 worth of chips for the table. Fred played some triumphant-type music as they brought over the money. Howard said they had security there and the guy wouldn't smile no matter what Howard said. Artie joked that Johnathan's hand would be played by Gary the Retard. They also said that they had an extra $200,000 there at the table in case they have to split a hand or something like that. Howard asked Nikki the dealer if she was nervous. She said she was hoping that the guy would win but wasn't that nervous. Adam started going for the money because, he said, if he had that money he could finally tell that Jimmy Kimmel to kiss his ass. Howard kicked Scott the Engineer out and Scott offered to go out to the parking lot, as far away as possible before they played the hand. Howard went over Johnathan's problems again and waited for Scott to go away. He was miked outside but Howard even shut that off so there was no chance of him jinxing the hand. Howard said that Johnathan had a 6 and a 10 showing and the dealer was showing a 10. Howard said the book would tell him to hit but they wanted to talk about it for a minute. The crowd was yelling for Johnathan to take a hit. Artie said this is a very hard hand to figure out. Adam said he wouldn't hit normally but he was thinking that they should take a hit this time. Robin said the rules say that you should take a hit. Gary said using those rules over a period of time is one thing but this is one hand. Both Gary and Fred said they think he should hit. Howard didn't know what to tell him. Howard said he'd say hit but didn't want to be wrong. Johnathan decided to hold his hand. Artie said he made his decision and didn't want to make it seem like he made the wrong decision so he kept his mouth shut. Nikki the dealer said she felt he made the right decision. Nikki turned over her card and she had a 20. Howard had her pull out the next card and it was a six. Johnathan would have busted anyway so he lost. The president of the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino came up and offered to let him take another shot with $5000. He could either keep it or bet it on another hand. Howard asked him if he wanted to bet it or not. Johnathan said he'd hold on to it. Artie threw some money at Johnathan which got everyone else throwing in some cash and chips. Adam said he was throwing him $78 and a condom from 1979. Tom Chiusano came up and gave him another $100. Johnathan was very appreciative of their support and thanked them for all they gave him. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said that the strippers dancing during the break are really distracting. He said all he could think about were girls. He spoke to one by the name of Brook for a short time. Someone pointed out to Howard that she has a web site of her own (MicroBabe.com) that features pictures of her doing some pretty revealing stuff.
Vince Neil showed up to hang out with the guys for a while. Howard asked him what's up with Motley Crue. They're done right now and Vince said Nikki Sixx is the problem. He said they just don't get along and Nikki thinks that he is Motley Crue. Vince said there may be a lawsuit coming soon because they were supposed to go out as Motley Crue and Nikki decided to start his own band in the meantime. Vince said he's making money just fine right now. He said he thinks that Nikki is in breach of contract right now because they're supposed to be on tour so he may be suing over that. Howard read that Vince was out on tour with his own band recently and the crowd refused to sing along to any of his songs so he called off a concert. Vince said that was untrue and the biggest piece of B.S. That he'd ever read. Vince said the club he played at had no security and that's why he walked out. Howard also brought up a story he had about Vince and the death of his daughter. Howard read that his ex-wife made out with another woman during their daughter's funeral and he had to know if that was true. Vince said that's a nasty thing to say and he knew the story was out there. Vince told Howard he was out of his mind and tried to kill himself for a month after that. He said the rumor was evil. Vince said that making out with a woman isn't a reaction to grief so he didn't do that. Howard also brought up this porn video Vince did with porn star Janine (Available here!). He asked Vince if he knows how many chicks he's banged over the years. He said he hasn't kept count. Howard asked him if he was hammered while he was sitting there. Vince said he wasn't hammered and didn't sound like he was. Vince brought up his fiancee Leah who was even hotter than Pam Anderson according to Howard. Howard asked her how they met and joked that it was probably at a funeral. Gary came up and said he met them back in December and they were making out at a table making out like they were dating for the first time. He said they look like they're in love. Stuttering John came up and said he heard that Vince punched Leah in the face about a month ago. Vince didn't know what he was talking about. Leah said that wasn't true at all. She went on to talk about how she went to one of his concerts and how she managed to get to him. Vince started singing to her and that got her attention. She said she's seen that video of Vince and Janine and was impressed by his prowess. Ralph pointed out that Vince also has a really hot daughter. He also told Howard that he got Vince a ''real drink'' because the bartender was giving him the cut-off sign and watering down his drinks. Howard gave Vince a plug for his tour with Poison and said you can find out more at PoisonWeb.com. Howard said that they're also giving away the chance to cabby for Jenna Jameson and Vince has the highest bid on that so far. He and Leah will mess around with her if they win. Vince told Howard that last year Leah brought him to the Bunny Ranch as a birthday gift. Vince and Leah brought up another girl and made out with her a little bit. Howard said he loved it there at the Hard Rock. He told Vince that he's blessed and a very lucky guy. Adam told Howard he'd like to sniff Vince's penis after the show. Vince said it would cost him but didn't say no to him. Howard took a break shortly after that.
After the break Howard gave Adam a few more plugs and noticed the audience seemed to be calming down a bit. He took a call from a 13 year old kid who wondered if he could come to the casino to watch the Miss Butta Face contest. Howard said he didn't think the kid could get in because he's too young. Howard told the kid to get a fake ID and get down there.
Howard moved on to ''Stump the Booey'' after that. He said they had a camera out by the pool and they had Stacy to play the game. Howard said she looked like Marcia Brady from The Brady Bunch when she was young. Howard told her that if she loses, she has to wear her bra and panties and walk through the casino to where Howard was at. She claimed she wasn't told that but Gary said they did tell her that. She didn't know she had to walk through the casino though. Howard told her that if she wins, she'll get $5,000 and then she could bet it on a hand of Blackjack to try and double it. Howard would play five songs and whoever got the most right would win. Howard then moved on and played the first song. Stacy was writing down her answer but Gary wasn't quite getting it. Here are the songs and who got them right:
''Turn up the Radio'' by Autograph - Both got it wrong, Gary had nothing, Stacy said the artist was Dio.
''Together Forever'' by Rick Astley - Both got it right.
''Chains of Love'' by Erasure - Both got it right.
''If you Leave'' by Orchestral Movements in the Dark (OMD) - Both got it right.
''Modern Day Cowboy'' by Tesla - Both got it wrong.
They were tied at this point so Howard had to do a tie-breaker. Here's what they played with:
''Neutron Dance'' by Pointer Sisters - Both got it right.
''Eye in the Sky'' by Alan Parsons Project - Both got it right.
''Gemini Dream'' by Moody Blues - Both got it wrong.
''New Sensation'' by INXS - Both got it right.
''Only the Lonely'' by The Motels - Both got it right.
The game wasn't ending so Gary said he'd let her win if she walked to the table with him in her bra and panties, plus she had to bet the $5,000 on a hand of Blackjack. She agreed to do it and got down to her grandma-panties and bra. Howard said she wasn't allowed to get naked though because there are some weird rules there in Vegas. While she was walking over Howard and Artie goofed on Nikki the dealer a little bit about making the World's Saddest Listener lose his $100,000 bet. Nikki said she was going to go home and jump off a bridge because of that. Stacy finally got to the table and sat there in her bra and panties. Artie goofed on the size of her panties and asked if he could borrow them to use as a bra for his Camaro. Tom Chiusano brought up the $5,000 that they were using for the bet. The money was courtesy of the movie ''Confidence'' which is out now. Stacy said she doesn't even really need the money, she makes enough as a Network support person. They quickly got to the game and Stacy had a 4 a 3 and a 9. The dealer was showing a 10. Howard said the book says you take a hit. Artie said he was feeling a 5 in there and he was right. She got a 5 and got a 21. The dealer got a 17 so Stacy won! Scott the Engineer was even in the room at the time. Adam told her to buy some better panties with that money. Artie said they needed those panties over at Rigley Field because they were expecting rain. Howard wrapped it up and went to break again.
The Stern Show In Las Vegas 2003. 4/24/03. 10-11am
Howard came back to wrap up the show. He said Yucko the Clown and Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern'' were dancing together. He said that Henry Hill was out in the crowd handing out his new book ''A Goodfella's Guide to New York: Your Personal Tour Through the Mob's Notorious Haunts, Hair-Raisingcrime Scenes, and Infamous Hot Spots.'' Howard thought that Henry was loaded and Henry wondered how he could say that. Gary said that his assistant got Henry his drink and it was Cranberry juice and vodka. He's not supposed to be drinking but when he's in Vegas it's tough. He keeps getting sober and then goes back to drinking. Howard asked him why he doesn't just get drunk all the time and forget about being sober. Henry said that he wasn't drunk there, he just had a couple of drinks. Howard said he probably has to do it to forget about all of the horrible things he's done in his life. He spent a couple of minutes with Henry asking about gambling and stuff like that. He also asked him about the new book that just came out yesterday. Howard took a couple of phone calls and said Henry seemed very nervous being there live. He wondered why he was so nervous. While they were talking the crowd was chanting different things like ''Snitch, Snitch, Snitch'' and ''Rat, Rat, Rat'' at a very high volume. Howard wasn't sure if they could continue the conversation. A short time later he gave Adam his plug for ''Crank Yankers'' every Tuesday night on Comedy Central. He also gave Henry a couple of plugs as well as some plugs for the Hard Rock. They have a bunch of stuff planned for tomorrow's show as well. Howard and Gary talked about that stuff for a few seconds and ended the show a short time later.
-- Friday April 25, 2003 --
Howard wasn't sure how to start the show, ''good morning'' or ''good evening'' since they were taping the show last night. Howard used the ''good morning'' and said he saw Gary the Retard dancing over in a corner with a Club Paradise dancer. He said they'll be doing the ''Miss Butta Face'' $25,000 contest later in the morning. Gary (Baba Booey) said that there were a bunch of women in the crowd that could be in the contest. Artie said a woman came up to him the night before and said that she wanted to be in the contest. Artie said they had to turn her away. Howard said Nicole Bass was raising her hand but he told her that none of it was working for her. He said she has breast implants and they really don't help. Robin said Nicole got her nipples pierced too and she was apparently showing them to the crowd and Howard. He asked her to put them away.
Today is also the drinking show. They'll all be getting drunk during the show. Howard got back to the Miss Butta Face contest and said that he's seen a lot of women while he's been there who could be in their contest. He said he saw a guy who was all proud of his girl but she had a butter face. He wanted to say something to them but thought it might screw up their relationship. Howard had to take his first break but said that he'd be handing out some ''Fuck Scott Einziger and Mike Fleiss!'' buttons that someone created for him. After that he went right to break.
After the break Howard talked about how he's been going to bed right after the show is done taping. He hasn't even gotten over to the Paradise club. Robin said she heard that the wack packers have been going over to the club, getting a bunch of lap dances and then stiffing the strippers. Howard said he heard that Zolar did that to a chick. Howard also talked about how High Pitch Erik was in the high roller section gambling. He asked Erik what was up with that. Erik said that he was with Bob Levy who ''needed help'' over there. Gary also said that they had a prostitute in Erik's room and he didn't know she was a prostitute. When she said he had to pay her he told her he didn't have money and could get her a few mentions on the Howard Stern show. Howard told Erik he's told him to not use his name before. Erik tried to change the subject after that. Howard moved on to other stuff.
Howard said he's been getting a lot of mail about this guy Roger Alan Wade whose music he played earlier in the week. Roger is Johnny Knoxville's cousin and has some great songs about Poon Tang and stuff like that. Howard said Johnny sent him the CD sampler and now he wants to sign the guy but he doesn't have a record label of his own to sign him to. Howard played a few tracks but just gave us short clips so no one would record the full songs. There were tracks like ''She's Gone Back To Whoring,'' ''Butt Ugly Slut'' and ''My Little Poon Tang.''
Howard said that he just read some great news in the paper. He said that the President of CBS, Les Moonves, is getting divorced. Howard said that he'll actually pay for his wife's lawyers if she wants. He said he hates that prick and he wants him to see him get screwed. He said he hates to see a guy give up half his money but, in this case, he wants to see him lose more than half. Robin and Howard goofed on Les' big caps, bad hair and nasty looking face. Howard explained how Les hired Scott Einziger and Mike Fleiss after encouraging him to sue them when they ripped off Howard's show with ''Are You Hot?'' Howard said les is just a snake in the grass and he stabbed him in the back. Howard said that Robin told him that when Les first came to Hollywood he got a bunch of lame little parts in TV shows and he'd take out full page ads in Variety magazine to announce the parts. Robin said she's heard that someone put together a video of all of his less than stellar performances. Howard continued to go off on the guy for a couple of minutes. He kept bringing up his fake tan and capped teeth. He was also doing a voo-doo chant.
Howard decided to start the Drinking Show. He ordered up some vodka with a splash of grapefruit juice. Artie had burbon, beer and some other stuff already ordered. Gary wanted some Sake and Fred ordered up a shot and some Heineken. Robin wanted champagne. Howard wanted her to drink something harder than that though. She refused and said she wanted that champagne. Artie started singing Roger Alan Wade's ''Sweet Poon Tang'' so Howard played that for a few more seconds.
Howard brought up the fact that someone wanted to put together an OJ Simpson reality TV show and they actually have video tape of him. Robin said OJ doesn't want to be part of it and says that he's not going to have a reality TV show.
Howard got his drinks and said that they should be drunk by the time they get to the Miss Butta Face contest. He went on to talk about how bad he's been doing as far as gambling while they're out in Vegas. He said he dropped $700 in a game of Craps the other night. Howard did a toast to ''Les Moonves dying in a car accident'' and then said that he wanted to toast his wife Nancy and said that he wants to do a dial-a-date with her after the divorce. Howard continued to talk about how pissed off he is with Les and how he's actually closer to the head of ABC. Howard said he wanted to get off of Les and move on to other stuff. They have Robin Leach coming up as well as the Miss Butta Face contest and a bunch of other stuff.
Howard took a phone call from an 18 year old who wanted to know if he could get into the casino. Howard told him if he had a fake ID, he could get in. He said he was pretty sure you have to be 21 years old to get in. Gary was drinking his Sake and getting ahead of Artie at drinking so Artie ordered some more. Another listener asked Artie how he's been doing gambling out there. Artie said he was up $5000 at one point but now he's only up by $800. He had a bad losing streak. That didn't include the basketball game bets he had with some of the guys from the show. Artie said that would make it a couple hundred dollar loss so far. He said he's having the time of his life out there though. Howard said he needs to get some more cash because he's running low. He said he doesn't want to set up a whole line of credit like Robin was suggesting though. Howard heard that KC was getting hammered while gambling out there. He said he's probably down $1000 or so. He's pissed about that and said that it shouldn't effect his judging of the Miss Butta Face contest. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard came back and said he loved watching the Club Paradise girls dancing. He told the girls how hot they looked and said he's really drunk after just two drinks. Howard said he loves the way their thong underwear was sticking up above their pants. By this time, 6:50 on my clock, Howard had 2 drinks, Artie had 5, Fred had 1 and Robin had just 1. Howard played some more Roger Alan Wade and started singing along with the whole crowd. Howard asked KC how many drinks he had so far. He said he had 3 and could still remember who everyone was so it sucked. Gary had 7 shots though and was working on forgetting everyone.
Howard brought up Robin Leach and said that guy gets more poon tang than anyone he knows. Leach said he wanted a magnum of champagne so he could start drinking with the rest of the crew. Howard said they have to do some gambling later too. Howard asked Leach about how he started the Food Network. Leach said he did start the network but ended up selling off his part in it. Leach heard that Les Moonves is dating Julie Chen. Howard was surprised to hear that and told Julie to run for the hills. Leach got his champagne and started chugging the stuff. Howard continued to talk to him about how he's been doing with the women lately and stuff like that. Stuttering John came up to talk about his stay with Robin Leach on ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'' Howard had a couple more questions for Leach before getting to that though. John said he saw Robin with a bunch of different women each time he sees him. Gary said he's been with a different woman each time he's seen him too. Leach said that some of them are just women colleagues who hang around him. Leach went on to talk about how well all of the shows he's started do very well. He said he's got another one in the works called ''Penthouse F.'' He said the F stands for fun. Stuttering John said he had dinner with Robin last night and he took a few people with him. John said he offered to pay for the dinner but Leach demanded that he pay for the dinner even though it was a bunch of people from the show. John said Tom Chiusano came up to him and said that they got the bill from the dinner and thought that John signed off on the $500 bill. It turns out it was three other guys who signed off on the dinner. John said one of them was Bob Mohr from their station. Robin said he'd pay the bill if Infinity couldn't afford it. He was told that the other three guys took care of the bill so he assumed everything was good.
Artie was up to 6 drinks by this point. Fred was up to 3, Gary was up to 8 and John and KC were up to 2. Howard brought up this guy Ross who is the guy they talk about who says ''How are ya!?'' Howard said each time he's been on the show he sucks so he has to wait for him to be loaded. He said if he wants to be a judge on the Miss Butta Face contest, he has to be drunk. Howard also talked about how Ross was kicked out of Club Paradise the night before. He wouldn't say what it was that happened to get him kicked out though.
Howard said that he wanted to some gambling so he asked Robin Leach what he had with him. Leach had $200 to start off with. Howard had a few hundred himself. Howard asked Robin how he liked ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'' Leach said that it was the worst time of his life and the best time of his life at the same time. He disliked Alana Stewart and talked about how she peed in the drinking water there in the camp. Robin said she liked the first walk of that show where Robin kept falling down on his way to the camp. Artie said the part he liked best were the commercials. Artie and Howard were getting pretty plastered by this point and were almost making out with each other.
Howard introduced their dealer Kim and got ready to play a hand of Blackjack. Howard gave the play by play. Artie, Howard, Fred, Robin and Robin Leach were all playing. Howard had 20, Robin had 19, Robin Leach had 16, Fred had 14. Fred and Robin Leach took hits. Artie took a hit on 14 and busted. Leach busted also. The dealer had 18 so Howard and Robin won. Fred's hand was a push. Howard thanked Kim for dealing the hand after telling her that she looked like Lisa Ling. Robin thought that was an insult and told Howard that wasn't a very nice thing to say. Howard was slurring a few words here and there by now. Gary came over, sounding pretty drunk himself, and said that he was told to say that if you sound like that, you shouldn't be driving. Howard asked Robin Leach what happened to Bruce Jenner's face. Leach and Stuttering John talked about what they thought Jenner might have had done. John guessed he had some botox injections at the least and thought he might have seen some lift evidence around his ears. Howard took a break after talking about that for a few seconds with the guys.
After the break Howard said he was pretty hammered. He wanted just clear vodka though so he wouldn't get a hangover from the sugar from the grapefruit juice. Robin Leach told him to drink straight vodka and he wouldn't get drunk. Robin Q. Said Howard was so drunk that he was making her drunk. Leach told Howard that Robin Q. was looking very lovely since her weight loss.
Howard mentioned the Miss Butta Face contest and Robin Leach wasn't sure what that meant so he had to explain it to him. Howard explained it's when a woman has a great body and everything is good but-her-face.
Howard brought in Karina the porn star so they could try and give away another ''date'' with her. Howard and the guys had to have some more drinks first. Howard noticed that his microphone had an advertisement for TravelWorm.com on it. He wondered if Tom sold everything for this trip. Howard talked about how Karina is going to go on a ''date'' with a listener but they weren't allowed to talk about exactly what she would do with the winner. Howard said he heard that Karina is actually married. She said that she does have a ''lover'' but she's not married. Gary asked her if she has a ''life partner'' and she said she does. Karina told Gary that her lover does have a hard time with some of the stuff she does in her life but everyone has that problem. Gary talked about what he heard from her when they had a conversation the other night. They started telling some stories but Howard said he was so drunk that he didn't want to hear the stories. Robin Leach also got up and left at this point so Howard said goodbye to him.
Howard brought up this guy Steve who was going to be playing Win a Date with Karina. He asked the guy how long it had been since he got laid. He said it had been five years. He has five daughters and his wife left him with all of their money. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about that. He also talked about his look and how he might want to shave some of his facial hair. He said he'd trim the beard if he won the date with Karina. Howard wondered if he had a ''huge bush'' as well as the huge beard. Steve said that he actually trims down there. Howard was getting more drunk as they went along and his voice kept getting lower and lower. Karina ordered up a Long Island Iced Tea as they were getting ready to start the game. Howard described Karina and she had to correct him when he said she was Swedish. She said ''Finnish!'' and Howard said ''Yeah, we're going to 'finish' on your back.'' That was the alcohol talking. Howard had Kim the dealer ready to deal their game. Karina said she wanted to check the cards to make sure they weren't marked but Howard said they're at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, they don't mark cards. Kim dealt the cards and gave Steve a 10 and an 8. The dealer had an Ace showing. Howard had Kim turn over her cards and she had a 2, an ace and a 5 so it was a push. Steve thought he'd won so he hugged Karina. Kim dealt the second hand. Steve got a 7 and a 2. Kim was showing a 7. Steve took a hit on the 9 and got a 2. He took another hit and got a 2 which gave him 13. He took a hit and got a queen. Bust! No ''date'' for Steve. Howard told Steve he'd do him since Karina wouldn't. Steve asked Howard why his band The Losers don't have a little section there at the Hard Rock. Howard said he had no idea what he was talking about though so he interrupted him and took a break a few seconds later.
Howard was speaking really low and Robin said she couldn't hear him. He was wondering what was going on over in Iraq because he hadn't been watching the news at all. Robin mentioned the capture of Tariq Aziz and told Howard about that. Howard saluted the troops over in Iraq for doing such a great job. He went on to say hello to his girlfriend Beth and Artie's girlfriend Dana who were both there. Howard asked Beth to say a few words but she was speaking off microphone. She eventually got on one and asked Howard if he was drunk. Howard bragged that they'd made love that morning and said that he was kind of quick. He apologized for that and said he wished he was a better lover. Howard said that Dana looked great in her bathing suit out by the pool. Dana wondered if tonight was the night Artie was going to take off his shirt during sex. He used to keep it on every time they had sex. Dana said he does take it off now though.
Artie was up to 7 tequilas and Gary was up to 15 shots of Sake by this time. KC had a bunch of drinks in him as well. Howard brought up his buddy Ross again and spoke to him for a few seconds. Ross was getting drunk along with the rest of the guys. He was preparing for the Miss Butta Face contest.
KC told Howard they had a ''Blackjack for a New Rack'' game to get to. Gary said they have her playing because she's really hot and would look great with a new rack. Howard said she is really hot and she'd be a 10 with bigger boobs. Christie said she has a shopping problem and doesn't have money to get her own boobs. Howard read that when Christie was 18 she was a mascot in a hotel. He said he's had some horrible jobs but that might be the worst. She told Howard she dressed as a tucan and was beaten up by a drunk guy at work one night. She said she's 23 years old now and would like to get a full C-cup. She said when she takes off her top she's embarrassed. Artie told her to join the club. He's embarrassed when he takes off his top too. Gary came up and said she'd make a great stripper if she had C-cups. Gary also told Howard that Christie sued the guy who beat her up and won the case but the guy had no money. Howard apologized to the crowd for not being funny because he was so drunk. Gary said he was funnier than ever though.
Howard gave out a plug for the sponsor of this game, Dawn 808 which is a hangover prevention drink that's available at GlamiEast.com. Howard had Kim come back up to deal the game. They had $5000 to put on the one hand. Christie got an ace and a 5. The dealer was showing a king. Howard told her that she should take a hit. The dealer actually had Blackjack so the game was over before it even started. Howard told Christie that she was out the five grand. He apologized to her but KC said that Sam Simon was going to give her another $5,000. Sam came up and said that Tim Stack from ''Son of the Beach'' was the one who wanted to give her the money. Howard said that was a really nice thing to do.
Howard said he saw his agent Don Buchwald out in the crowd so he said ''hello'' to him. Don joked that $2500 of the breast implant money was from him. He was just kidding, he said he just wanted a kiss from Christie. Christie was sitting on Sam Simon's lap by this time. Howard got back to Don and thanked him for sticking by him for the past 25 years. He thanked Don and his staff for everything they've done for him over the years and said he'd love to marry him. Howard had to take another break before getting to the Miss Butta Face contest. He first threw out some love to some of the guys like Jason and Will who work in the back office of the show.
After taking a break Howard said he had some announcements to make. He thanked the girls from Club Paradise for dancing. He then said he'd had 5 drinks, Artie was up to 10 shots of tequila. Gary had 18 shots of Sake. Ralph said he was drinking shots of Yager. Gary told Howard he didn't want to vomit, that's what he was sticking to the Sake.
Howard said hello to Andrea Miss Howard Stern so Gary told a story about her being at Club Paradise the night before and how she rubbed against him like no one has in a long time. He said she was fully dressed when she did it though. Gary said it was one of the best one's he's had in a long time. He said she gave one to Benjy before that though. Ralph said he heard that she uses her mouth when she's doing it. Gary said she was so good that he was never going to make fun of her again. Artie was goofing on her baby voice though and the crowd started chanting ''Artie! Artie! Artie!'' when he was doing it. Gary said he doesn't know what Andrea does in her life but that lap dance was amazing. Robin told him she used to be a stripper.
It was time for the ''Miss Butta Face'' contest. Howard introduced the judges and first up was his buddy Ross again and talked about what a man he is. Ross had 7 drinks in him so he was on his way to being wasted. He drank his 8th shot of vodka and cranberry right then. Next up was Ralph who got boos from the crowd. The crowd chanted ''You suck!'' over and over again. Artie was also going to be a judge. Howard asked his girlfriend Beth if she wanted to be a judge as well. Ralph talked about how cool Beth is and how lucky Howard is to have her. Howard also said hello to Ross' girlfriend Melissa and Artie's girlfriend Dana.
Howard gave the rules for the contest. He said that they will be judging bodies first and the girls will have bags on their faces. They'll rate the bodies on a scale of 10. Then they'll uncover the faces and judge them on a scale of 10 but 10 will be the ugliest. A perfect score will be 20.
Karen was the first contestant. Howard said he wasn't even going to talk to her. She was wearing a bikini and there were some boos from the crowd. Ralph gave her a 4. Ross gave her a 6, Robin gave her a 6, Howard gave her a 2, Artie gave her a 5 and Fred gave her a 3. Gary gave her a 6 and KC gave her a 2. The bag came off her head and her face was scary from what the guys reactions sounded like. Ralph gave her a 3 for the face. Ross gave her a 3, Robin gave her a 4, Howard gave her a 5, Artie gave her a 7, Fred gave her a 4, Gary was a 6, KC gave her a 2. Howard talked to Karen for a minute and read that her husband was the one who suggested she enter the contest.
Contestant number 2 was Jen. Howard said ''now that's a body.'' Ralph gave her a 6, Ross gave her a 8, Robin gave her a 7.5, Ralph changed his to a 7. Howard gave her an 8, Artie gave her a 7, Fred gave her an 8, Gary gave her an 8 and KC gave her a 6.5. She pulled the bag off her face and it was bad. They said she looked like a man. The crowd went nuts and Howard said her face was really bad. Ralph gave her a 10, Ross gave her a 10, Robin gave her a 9, Howard gave her a 10, Artie gave her a 10, Gary gave her a 9, KC gave her a 7. Howard spoke to Jen for a short time. He said her boyfriend entered her in the contest. Howard and Ralph agreed that she was what the whole contest was all about. She even has a web site called JenSex.com
Contestant number 3 was Tara. Howard brought her out and the guys judged her. Ralph gave her a 9.5, Ross was 8.5, Robin 10, Howard 10, Artie 9, Fred 9, Gary 9 and KC 7. She revealed her face and it wasn't that bad. Howard said she was too pretty. Ralph gave her a 3, Ross 1, Robin 3, Howard 2, Artie 3, Fred 3, Gary 4 and KC 5. Howard told her that she's a beautiful girl. She was too good looking for the contest though. She was from Bottomzup.TV and was on the show previously.
Contestant 4 was Barbara. Ralph said she had a belly and gave her a 3, Ross 4, Robin 5, Howard 5, Artie 5, Fred 3, Gary 6 and KC was a 4. The bag came off and her face was pretty bad. Ralph gave her a 6, Ross 5, Robin 5, Howard 5, Artie 5, Fred 7, Gary 4 and KC a 5. Howard asked Barbara if she was okay with that. She knew she wasn't going to win at that point. Howard said he had to take another break though. He said he had to drink to all of the women who were willing to come up there.
After the break Howard said he was depressed it was their last day in Vegas. He was having a lot of fun out there. He played more of Roger Alan Wade's ''Little Poon Tang.'' Artie knew it by then and was singing along to it. Robin was even getting in on it so Howard figured she must have been a little drunk herself. They were in the middle of the ''Miss Butta Face'' contest though so they had to get back to that. Ralph pointed out that he was wearing six of the ''Fuck Scott Einziger'' buttons Howard mentioned earlier in the morning. Howard gave a quick wrap up of the number of drinks everyone had in them. Artie and Ross did a shot together and then Howard brought in the next contestant for the contest.
Contestant number 5 was Devin. Howard said she looked black to him but he couldn't tell. Ralph gave her a 7, Ross 5, Robin 8, Howard 8, Artie 8, Fred 9, Gary 7 and KC a 7. She took her bag off her face and the crowd started chanting ''Butter face!'' Ralph gave her an 8 for the face. Ross gave her a 6, Robin 7, Howard 4, Artie 5, Gary 7 and KC a 10.
Contestant 6 was Diana. Howard said she was kind of fat. Ralph gave her a 4, Ross a 1, Robin 4, Howard 2, Artie 4, Fred 1, Gary 4 and KC a 4. She took her bag off and it was a bad face according to Howard. There were loud sighs from everyone. The crowd went nuts as did Howard and the rest of the guys. Ralph said he wanted to give her a 50. Just about everyone gave her a 10 for the face because it was so bad. Ross 10, Robin 10, Artie 10, Fred 10, Gary 10 and KC 8. The contest continued into the 9 o'clock hour so see below for more...
Contestant 7 in the Miss Butta Face contest was short according to Howard. Her name was Suzanna. Ralph said she had fat ass that was a mess. Ralph said he'd give her a 4, Ross 3, Robin 4, Artie 3, Fred 3, Gary 4, KC 4. Howard had her take her bag off and more sighs of horror came from the crowd. Ralph gave her a 10, Ross 9, Robin 9, Howard 9, Artie 9, Fred 10, Gary 10 and KC a 9.
Contestant 8 had a really bad body according to the guys. Ralph gave her a 1, Ross 1, Robin 1, Artie 2, Fred 2, KC 2 and Gary 2. She took her bag off and Ralph gave her a 4, Robin an 8, Ross 3, Howard 5, Artie 5, Fred 6, Gary 5 and KC a 5. They weren't judging right by this time. They were so drunk they were forgetting that the worse the face, the better the score.
Contestant 9, Renee, had a really bad body. Ralph gave her a 0, Ross 0, Robin 1, Artie 2, Fred 0, Gary 1 and KC 0. She took off the bag and her face was horrible according to Howard. Ralph gave her a 10, Ross a 10, Howard a 8, Artie 8, Fred 10, Artie 8, Gary 8 and KC 10.
Contestant 10 was Erin. Ralph gave her a 3, Ross a 6, Robin 6, Howard 4, Artie 4, Fred 3, Gary 4 and KC 4. She took the bag off and had a bad face. Howard said he's never seen a face like that. He said it stopped time. Ralph gave her a 10, Ross 9, Robin 10, Artie 10, Fred 10, Gary 10 and KC 10.
After all of the judging Howard announced the winner of the Miss Butta Face contest. It was number 2, Jen from Jensex.com. Howard brought her up and told her she won the $25,000 grand prize. She was thrilled with her win. The crowd was chanting ''Butter Face!'' over and over. Jen said that her boyfriend was the one who made it happen. Gary said she actually flew herself in to enter the contest. A woman from Trim Spa came over and presented her with the $25,000 check to her. Jen said that she may go to a dermatologist and get her face fixed with the money. She said she didn't know she was a butter face until last week. She said she covers up her zits and stuff with makeup. Ralph told everyone that they were very ugly and did a great job. Jen said she wears a lot of makeup for the pictures she has on her web site. Howard took a break a short time later.
After the break Howard said he's never been that drunk. Artie said he was on his 15th shot of tequila! He and Howard talked about the Miss Butta Face contest. Artie tried to be nice but it was tough. KC said he's seen Artie drunker than he was. He said he saw him laying on a floor singing ''Born in the USA'' one time. Howard said they wouldn't be happy until they saw that for themselves. Howard said he wanted Robin so drunk that she'd show her breasts. She said that will never happen.
KC wanted to play ''Bust a Rhyme'' which is a drinking game. He said he'd started with ''Outside is a lot of grass'' and the others had to rhyme with them. Howard gave up on it within a few seconds and moved on to ''Who Wants to Bang My Son?''
Porn star Tabitha Stevens came in to play ''Who Wants to Bang My Son.'' Howard talked to Tabitha for a short time and got some of the names of the movie's she's been in(Available here!). Howard said she's done a lot of anal films too. Howard said two mother-son contestants would come up and plead with Tabitha for a date. Howard had the contestants come up to the stage and Steve their old intern and another guy came up. Tabitha had to take a drink before getting to the game though. Howard gave Steve's mother, Marylou, one minute to tell Tabitha why she should go on the date. She told Tabitha about her son and how he was born with Muscular Dystrophy and is confined to a wheelchair. She said that he's done a lot of stuff to make himself as possible. Howard had Marylou tell them more about him and found out he has a nice sized penis. She knows because she has to help him out with going to the bathroom and stuff. He's never had a woman before so Howard asked her if she's ever helped him out herself. Robin was shocked that he asked her that.
Howard moved on to Ray and his mother Debbie. Howard gave Debbie a minute to tell Tabitha what was up with him. She said that her son has a very small penis. She knew it would be a problem when he was born and didn't bother getting him circumcised. He's only about 2 inches fully aroused. Ray also has trouble stuttering when he talks to women. He's a janitor and doesn't have to deal with people too much. Howard let Debbie go on a little longer and try to talk up her son so Tabitha would choose him for the date. She said she really needs him out of the house so this would help a lot.
They found out that each of the guys have working penises but Ray has trouble once in a while. Steve's mother said she's caught him doing stuff to himself before so she knows it works. Tabitha toasted the guys and Ralph said he wanted to enter the contest because Tabitha is so hot. Tabitha ended up choosing Steve as the winner. She said she believes that everyone needs love but Steve is the one who needs it most. Robin said Steve was her intern and agreed that he needed that shot. Howard told Ray that he's a good looking guy and he should be able to get laid. Everyone else agreed that Steve should get the date. Howard wrapped up the segment a minute later and said you can find out more about Tabitha at TabithaStevens.com.
Howard came back and said they had one last fun thing to do before they ended their stay in Las Vegas. Robin told Howard that everyone was finding them very funny when they're drunk. Howard said he was supposed to go to dinner after the show but he wanted to go straight to Club Paradise instead.
Howard introduced Trinity who was there to play Win a Date with Trinity. Howard said she has been in porn for just a few months now(Buy her video here). She used to be a dancer and wanted to get into porn. She told Howard that she likes other chicks and had her first lesbian experience at 13. Howard read some other stuff about her and found out that Matthew Perry hit on her but she didn't go out with him. She said he was kind of an ass and asked her if she wanted to pick up other chicks with him. She's also had sex with 4 guys and 2 girls. That just happened a couple of months ago and it wasn't for a porno. She's only 21 years old and she has guys who pay for all of her stuff for her. She said she uses guys until she wants and then she lets them go. Sitting next to Trinity was Greg, a 21 year old who has never gotten laid. He said he's had girlfriends but never had sex. He liked Trinity and said he'd love a date with her. She said she'd go on a ''date'' with him no problem. Howard kept calling them ''dates'' but it was actually pretty much guaranteed sex. Howard said they'd be playing one last hand of Blackjack for Greg to try and win this ''date.'' Greg was dealt a 10 and an 8. The dealer showed an 8 and a 10 so it was a push. The next hand, Greg had 18 so he stuck. The dealer had an 8, then showed her 3, took two more hits, a 4 and a 10 and busted. Greg won the date with Trinity. Greg didn't seem very excited though. Howard gave Trinity a few plugs for VirtualDreamsDVD.com and then Gary came up.
Gary had a bunch of people to thank for their help out there in Vegas. Howard also had the girls who were getting them their drinks come over. He gave them each $500 for their help. Howard then thanked a bunch of sponsors and the girls from Club Paradise. Gary was slurring his words since he had 28 Sakes in him. Howard wrapped up the show shortly after that.