text:
Tag Archives: Chad Reed
Oderus Urungus
Welcome to it. This crazy little thing called love. Wait. No. You know what I meant. Who cares, let's get right into it – deep inside it – in the hole. First things first. Gwar frontman Oderus Urungus died Sunday evening, may the great mothership be covered in his blood and semen! We've posted two of his visits to TJES that you should definitely go listen to, he was always a fun guest to have on the show. Let's lighten the mood a little bit, shall we? Sounds like there was a good turn-out at the Harley Davidson book signing over the weekend. It made Ellis feel way more famous than just some TV news guy, say like… Sam Rubin? Ellis ran into some people he doesn't hang out with and hasn't seen in a really long time, like some dude he used to skate with back in the day. Which I can't remember his name, so you're just gonna have to trust me, this dude was definitely a dude. Ellismania.com is still down, been down since Friday – apparently it was a victim of an unauthorized domain name transfer. Dingo gets scared when Tully's all dressed up, or dressed down really. Jeff Emig said something positive about Ellis on Instagram and Ken Block said something negative about Ellis. Ellis went for his first ride on his new bike, he was trying to take it easy and did a little jump where he promptly sprained his ankle and the chain came off his bike. Tully had no such issues this weekend, he rode like like the wind and was doing whips & whoops & shit, you should'a seen him go! Tully had a Monster Energy drink that gave him no energy what-so-ever, matter of fact, it made him sleepy because he's too much man for some pussy drink.
Dingo while reading No You Are?
Dave Boyce, "The Red Dragon Guy", is in studio today. He's the brother of Rob "Sluggo" Boyce sometimes and he makes shorts for small Canadian men. He and Moses Itkonen pretty much run that game, so bow down. Quick bit of MMA News time, everyone thought it was funny that anytime a Brazilian lost, the crowd was so silent you could hear a fly fart. Now, on to something else. Dingo says you can't surf in Thailand, and he's been there. Nobody believes him because he was there for only two things, to party, and to party harder. Dingo also claims to be domesticated and is generally a very clean person. Nobody believes him on that either. Another claim Dingo made was that he was pet sitting over the weekend for a girl who is a 10. Nobody believes him. Davidia Boyce is impressed with the show, so much so that he hasn't said more than 10 words yet. He's finding it difficult to get a word in with Dingo there. HEYOH! And now it's break time, so he's not gonna be saying jack shit for at least another 6-10 minutes.
MMA News with Kenda Perez.
MMA News for real this time, with Kenda Perez on the phone while she's wearing a Tupac shirt and flower leggings. Oh yeah, and she's in Las Vegas doing some voice over work for the Best of WEC, the show that she hosts. And there you have it, MMA News. Just kidding. So everyone thought the fight between Fabio Maldonado and Gian Villante was pretty fucking good, especially since the first round looked like Maldonado was gonna get submitted the entire time. And then BOOM! The next two rounds he just kept picking off Villante to the point that nobody could believe he was still standing. Nobody really liked the Rony Jason vs Steven Siler fight because the Brazilian ref stopped the fight so early, but what can you do? He held his head like he was woozy as fuck and went down, tough call. Nobody really liked the Norman Parke vs Leonardo Santos fight either because it went to the judges and ended in a majority draw. Mairbek Taisumov vs Michel Prazeres was an odd fight since Taisumov was so busy checking the the quality of links in the fence that it earned him several warnings and two point deductions. Dan Henderson vs Shogun was pretty awesome though and it ended with Dan knocking out Shogun. Moto News time with expert moto analyst Dingo. Chad Reed is sitting in 10th place in the points standing. Does Kevin Windham have a bit of a lisp? Dingo don't know, referee bitPimps docked him 1 point for not knowing. James Stewart came-from-behind to for the win and the butt sex. Justin Barcia ended up finishing second, just in front of Ryan Dungey. Villopoto is still in the points lead, but didn't do so well, saying he was sick and didn't know the track. Dingo didn't know if Villopoto was suffering from food poisoning or what, for which referee bitPimps docked him another point. Some dude put up a picture of his 3-ballin' sack (listen to Three Ballin') and since Katie is there and likes big loads, naturally the question is does a third ball make you shoot bigger loads? Dingo doesn't know, and again, referee bitPimps docked him another point. Lattes have arrived which means it's time Will to shed some blood & cum tears and then time for a break. Dave has managed to squeeze in about 5 more words, bringing his count to 15.
Cumtard came in sick?
The first ever TJES Listener Talent Show Skype Thing will be this Friday at 2PM Pacific, if you're not available on Friday at that time, you can send them a Skype video message, allegedly. It's time for a spelling game between Ellis and Dingo, both of whom are legendary in the spelling bee game. Only they're not spelling, they're being given words and have to use them correctly in a sentence, which is still a game because both of them are well known for understanding and using words in a sentence correctly. I guess you could say they superfluous the game? We learned Cumtard has been taking Rogaine and squirting anti-biotics in his eye – while driving his hypotenuse. There was something about an old lady and a car wreck, but nobody could get past what he just brought into the room. He's got strep throat but doesn't think he's contagious because his head and ball cysts nullify the strep. Nobody believes him, 4 potato deduction by referee bitPimps. As soon as throat AIDs boy was escorted from the studio, the game resumed as everyone tried to forget about the sickness floating around the room. Before the break, Dave managed to sneak in 2 more words during the game, which also put him in the lead of the game – but more importantly, it brought his word count up to 17.
Back from break and there's more homeless people in New York than ever in the history of ever in New or Old York. So German customs officials intercepted a shitment of cocaine destined for the Vatican. Dingo explains how this shit is going down and telling us what is true or not. Nobody believes him. Referee bitPimps gives him a warning this time instead of automatically deducting a point. There's a serial pee'er out there too, he's been going around pissing on women, just so ya know. Clark Duke came on the show today, no relation to Frank Dux – duh, they don't even have the same last name, man. What were you thinking? Oh, sure, blame the writer. It took him a few minutes to get the show, but once he did he played along pretty well. In short, he doesn't have any type of social media profiles, he's got a reoccurring character roll on Two and Half Men, and he was very timid when asked if he wanted to record his score on the punch pad. While I'm sure the show is not really his style, he did a good job and was an entertaining guest – according to the judges score card. He stuck around for the remainder of the show and took some calls from listeners, even the ones about loads and wads. Clark hit the punch pad and it's commonly believed he got a 48. In other numbers news, Dave could not squeeze in anymore words, so he finished with a solid 17, however after the show, he hit the punch pad and registered a 74. 'Atta boy Dave. And there you have it. That was today's show, it was good. Jesus died for it, so it only makes sense to make it good, right? Jesus did not die for this recap, so I'm pretty much in the clear on that.
Posted in Overviews & Re-Caps | Tagged Chad Reed, Clark Duke, Dave Boyce, Dingo, Jason Ellis, Jeff Emig, Ken Block, Kenda Perez, Mike Tully, MMA News, Moses Itkonen | Leave a reply
Show recap for Friday 2/21/2014
Posted on February 21, 2014 by Az_RedDragon
Happy Chad Reed Day Eve! How will you be paying homage to the king of moto? I will be decorating the Chad Reed tree, making Chad Reed cookies, and tomorrow morning I will watch the kids open their Chad Reed gifts on Chad Reed morning while watching the A Chad Reed Story marathon. Today at the gym Ellis saw some nerdy white guy in nice clothes just hanging out, it was kinda odd until he realized that Usher was also in the gym and probably brought the white dude for moral support. Jason said his boxing skills weren't terrible, not great, but he's definitely getting lessons. Back to Chad Reed day, fun Chad Reed fact, he is half Abbo, half Austraian, and full blood badass. In today's Olympic news the Canadian women's hockey team won the gold. Congrats to Canada for having the toughest, biggest, roughest bunch of manly women on ice in the world. Also while on the subject of the Olympics, way to go Russia, hating the gays but having massive boners for their figure skating couples. Also while on the subject of Russia, Pussy Riot got shit whipped at a performance by the police.
We came back from the break with a sampling of the instant hits created by Hate Bean. I wouldn't be surprised of Metallica's next album has a cover of Weiner Gazer. Hate bean will also be performing at EM10, so that will be worth the tickets alone! The guys rambled on about Hollywood, expensive cars, Tully's neighborhood, cartoons, and of course, Chad Reed. We heard a beautiful heart felt poem from Will, an original song created by Cumtard, some caller contributions, an awesome original production by Michael Tully, and a few email submissions. Chad Reed is an inspirational mother fucker.
Big weekend ahead, Supercross, UFC, and Tigers birthday party at Trampoline World. Ellis is going to be signing books tonight in Huntington Beach at wherever he's going to be. Hell, by the time I get this posted you might have missed it. My bad. But check his Twittah just to be sure. Another thing to check is Christian's Instagram account @kingtrut and feel free to give your opinion on Kevin's head. Does he just have thin hair or is his hair line running from his face? You make the call.
Ever watched your kids playing with their toys and wish you had a bigger grown up version of their toys? Well now from the makers of Silly Splooge, Whamo presents Crazy Carts Mega! Now you can play WITH your kids and slam them into the wall in a perfectly legal way! And sticking with the toys and games subject, it's time for Ellis Jeopardy Chad Reed Edition. Suck it Parker Brothers! And for the second time in a row Dingo wins! Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to ride my flying pig to hell for ice skating lessons. Before I finish this recap on this glorious Chad Reed day, I leave you with a poem,
Chad Reed rides with speed
He rides with intent
He passes you up
Like your bike is all bent
On one fateful day
And with one bad turn
He got a shit whippin
He totally got burned
He's got a busted back
And his shoulder is a bit bum
But that doesn't stop Chad Reed
From fuckin yer mum,
Posted in Overviews & Re-Caps | Tagged Chad Reed, Chad Reed Day, Chad Reed Is God, Chad Reed Is My Idol, Chad Reed Is The Greatest, Happy Chad Reed Day | Leave a reply
Chad Reed Day: 2/22/2014
As with every year on Chad Reed day (the 22nd of February), TJES celebrates this day by singing songs, reading poetry, and haiku's written by fans of Chad Reed and the show. Since Chad Reed day falls on Saturday this year, we celebrate a day early – even though technically it is the 22nd in Australia. Here are some fan submitted tributes to Chad Reed.
A haiku by @TonySamurai_
Why are you so fast?
Quickest Aussie on two wheels
Two-two, you are King
A poem by @sharkchucker
Though I have no idea who you are .
Or even what you do.
The wind beneath your balls is Ellis.
And the Dingo is swinging from them too.
Poem #1 by @bitPimps
My hero isn't in comics
My hero doesn't wear a cape
My hero doesn't battle mythical monsters
My hero doesn't have a special call
My hero isn't talked about daily
My hero is real
My hero used to wear green
My hero risks his limbs
For the sport he loves
My hero isn't invincible
My hero is a normal person
My hero isn't perfect
My hero makes mistakes
But my hero is courageous and brave
My hero rides sharp and true
My hero is CRTwoTwo
Chad Reed is an international super star
His amazing moto skill has taken him far
Chad Reed is tougher than a woodpecker's lips
He soars like an eagle while doing whips
Chad Reed will never surrender
He is not a registered sex offender
While you're casing and dealing with arm pump
Chad Reed is just hitting his powerband before the jump
Remember this legend on this day
To pay tribute to Chad Reed doesn't make you gay
CRTwoTwo
He don't use no voodoo
He relies on his talent and skill
He's like Neo after he took the red pill
Fear not if he's near the back of the pack
For this courageous man has huge balls in his sack
In a blink of an eye, he's back leading the race
Standing on the podium with class and grace
Accolades? He has many over his storied career
I bet he'd still win races even if he looked like Lord Sear
If you're looking for a hero, he's a wise pick
If you doubt his determination, suck my motherfuckin' dick
Poem #1 by @AZ_RedDragon
Theres this sick ass dude from Australia.
He's faster than any other fella
His name is Chad Reed
He's built for speed
And if ya ask, he'll tell ya
Oh, the Places Chad Reed Will Go!
Originally by Dr. Seuss, improved by Chad Reed! And @AZ_RedDragon.
Today is Chad Reed day.
Chad Reed is off to Great Places!
Chad Reed is off and away!
Chad Reed has brains in his head.
Chad Reed has feet in his shoes
Chad Reed can steer himself
any direction he choose.
Chad Reed is on his own. And he knows what he knows.
And CHAD REED is the guy who'll decide where to go.
Chad Reeds a dude from Nantucket
With a dick so long he could suck it
And he said with a grin, as he wiped of his chin
If me ear was a cunt I'd fuck it.
Reed was a young man of Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia
The drawing was fine
The painting divine
But the aroma — ah, that was the failure.
Chad Reed rides with style and class
Even when passing your ass
His voice is deep when he talks
And you hear a clink when he walks
Because his balls are made out of brass.
Chad Reeds a dude from Kurri Kurri
Always in a bit of a hurry
But when he'd see a fine lass
He'd tickle her ass
And ride away saying No Worries
T'was Chad Reed's Birth by @deadletters
https://noyouare.lixlink.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/chad-reed-poem-pendarvis-02212014.mp3
Download (link to MP3)
Chad Reed's A Space Lord by @KevinKraftSucks
https://noyouare.lixlink.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/chad-reed-song-cumtard-02212014.mp3
Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha-Chad Reed @possiblytully
https://noyouare.lixlink.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/chad-reed-song-tully-02212014.mp3
Bonus: Ellis Sings His Chad Reed Tribute Song (2/22/2011)
https://noyouare.lixlink.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/chad-reed-day-song-ellis-02222011.mp3
Posted in Nonsense | Tagged Az_RedDragon, bitPimps, Chad Reed, Chad Reed Day, Cumtard, Jason Ellis, Mike Tully, sharkchucker, TonySamurai_, Will Pendarvis | Leave a reply
Posted on February 20, 2014 by jenni_mazky
Hey guys (and girls, presumably) it's me again, Jenni, and yeah, I know this is like the fourth time that you're hearing from me this week and you're probably sick and tired of this shit already, but this is the last you'll have to deal with until my life goes back to normal and I can just chill on my regular Thursday time slot and get back to not bothering you all that much. I can commiserate if you're having a 'sick of this bitch' episode, because frankly- I'm sick and miserable and have been complaining and whiny all day and even I'm sick of me. Joe is…a fucking saint. How he spends so much time with me (read 24/7- we work and live together) and doesn't want to kill me and only laughs when I say no to absolutely everything because I'm feeling so miserable is completely beyond me. And I don't just say no in a regular way. I make these weird meowishbunny 'no' sounds. So yeah. That's what he deals with when I'm sick on top of the following conversation today:
"Hunny, I don't know if I'm going to sneeze or projectile vomit."
"Sounds exciting."
"Seriously, though. And no…it's not exciting at all." I'm probably tinged green at this point.
"Well, if there's even a chance that it's going to be vomit, how about we go to the bathroom?" And then he takes me inside (thankfully we were working at a public place and not someone's house) where I proceed to sneeze. And then puke. Then he told me to sleep in the truck and only occasionally threw boxes at me off of rooftops. Yeah…even including this in the recap is completely unnecessary, and I don't usually whine, but I am full-on in whine mode. I'm sorry.
Getting to what you actually came here for- when I started TJES on my app it came in in the middle of Ellis saying a sentence and he was talking about his special voice and people complaining about songs and is his voice just so special that even though people hate the music they stick around? So I'm assuming that he was talking about people complaining about the music that gets played on Faction/gets played by Ellis on Faction…and well…shut the fuck up, you guys…cause I don't care. And my opinion almost matters sometimes. He then goes right into talking about the Reddit Ask Me Anything that he participated in this morning/afternoon (depending on your time zone) that he did with the help of Tully since Ellis isn't that great at reading or typing, and said that they answered the hard questions. But, really, though, he did answer all of the questions that he could, but I don't think he considered any of them hard because he went on to say that there is nothing that he can be asked that would 'shake him up' because he's already said it. It's already out there. Which, if you are a listener of the show on the reg, you already know. I checked out the AMA and it was pretty interesting, and a couple of things struck me as funny, and if you're interested in knowing what went on you can go here and check it out. While talking about the Reddit thing Tully mentions that he has a typing-related injury (probably) that he needs to get taken care of called Dupuytren's Disease that can be corrected with surgery and he's been looking for a window to get it taken care of. He says that it's been bothering him more from typing up The Awesome Guide to Life and he definitely felt himself 'clawing' up while he was doing the typing for Jason on Reddit this morning. Ellis, ever the caring ManBossFriend that he is gave Tully full permission to get it taken care of right now and to forgo any and all emails for the next two weeks, unless he wants to do them from his phone with the other hand. Problem solved.
Speaking of problems and music and faction and people complaining and people complaining about music…Tully asks Will, "Wasn't it about two weeks ago that you said in two weeks you would have those results from the Faction Board of Directors to go over with us?" He asks it in his oh-so-Tully way of knowing that it was totally 2 weeks ago while trying to maintain that boyish, 'but I could be wrong about that' that is making me hate him because the last thing I want to recap is more Board of Directors bullshit because it stopped being funny for me about a month and a half ago. Or right now (which is more likely) because I'm supercranky. And yeah, Will says that it was about two weeks ago, but no he doesn't have the information ready to go over with them because it's taking longer than he thought that it would because he has the big bosses that he has to answer to and has to wait for them to 'okay' the changes. How long will it be before we get to hear anything more about this? Probably another two weeks- and guys…shotty not if it happens on a Thursday- unless something completely epic happens during that time I will gloss over that shit like it never happened. But, some good does come out of Will popping into the studio to talk about the Board of Directors and surveys and such…and that good is…more HateBean songs. Will fires off some quick lines for HateBean songs and everyone gets a good laugh, especially because Will tries to do an 'in da club' song, and if there is one thing that man should never do- it's try to rap. Just say no, Will. Ellis talks about how if they turn the HateBean songs into ringtones and sell them they will become bajillionaires, and also probably get people to answer their phones really quickly in public because he doesn't know how many people will be showing off their HateBean ringtones among strangers.
Will goes back to doing whatever work he pretends to do when he isn't on air and the subject turns to Ellismania X. Or Ellismania 10. Or EM10. The big one. The hall of fame one. The one that is going to be the shit and a half and I'm already scared that Hubbs and I are going to be wayyyyyyyyyy too poor to go to unless it magically winds up on the East Coast somewhere. Ellis and Tully start tossing names around for possible people that Ellis could fight for the main event in Ellismania 10 and A LOT of names get thrown out there by Ellis, Tully, and Ellisfam (by calls and tweets) and they fall into one of several categories: Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome), Ellis Would Die, Ellis Would Kill That Guy, Are You Insane, and Maybe. Some of the 'Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome) include- Adam Corolla, Chris Liebman, Joe Rogan, Steven Segal, and Ken Block. Some of the 'Ellis Would Die' are- Forrest Griffin, Jason Mamoa, Don Fry, and possibly Mike Dolce. Guys That 'Ellis Would Kill' and doesn't want to fight because they aren't real fighters are- Carrot Top and Steven Segal (yeah, I know that he's in more than one category). The 'Are You Insane' contenders include- Sugar Ray Leonard (seriously? He's gone old man crazy if he accepts the fight at all), Evander Holifield, Kimbo Slice, Miesha Tate, and Tank Abbott. The one and only maybe that came out of the super long on air brain jam was from a caller whose name was either not given or I completely missed and it was Michael Jai White. Yeah, no one knew who he was either, but he's an actor (He was Spawn in Spawn) and Ellis said that he would totally take that fight if it would happen. Tully suggests that it would be funny if Ellis fought both of the guys from Insane Clown Posse, but backtracks quickly because no one wants the crowd at the epic EM10 to be half Juggalo. No offense. Oh shit…another maybe was M Shadows. Ellis would fight M Shadows if he decides to take on a bunch of people because that would be sweet. They talk about how Ellismania 10 is going to be big and bad because, of course, it kind of has to be, how they are going to do the Ellismania Hall of Fame, fighting Dr. Drew, and then they talk about who Tully might fight. Is there gonna be a Michael Tully/Bob Levy rematch? Probably not…but Tully will work on getting beef with somebody real quick so there's some backstory his fight can go on.
Back from the break, Tully reminds us that tomorrow is Chad Reed day and to celebrate they will be doing all sorts of Chad Reed related things on the show tomorrow. If you want in on the action as a listener, you can choose to either compose yourself a poem about the Great Chad Reed which you can try to call and read on air, or go the easy route and email that poem to the guys at the show at SubmitToEllis@gmail.com. Easy peasy. Make it good!
Christian is in the studio back from the break and Tully informs both him and Ellis that there is an app available that allows you to keep track of how long you have sex. Which, seems pretty useless, but whatever, and that the people who made the app used it to figure out where each of the 50 US states rank in the amount of time people spend in the sack per the average session. Ellis isn't too keen on this whole idea because he thinks it's dumb and it's probably a skewed perspective because obviously not everyone having sex is using this app and yaddayaddayadda, but also because Mark McGrath and Tara Beaulieu made him feel weird about his sex life since they didn't believe him when he said that he has sex 4 to 5 times per day (on average). Before letting us know the results Tully makes a statement that he was most surprised about what the actual average times were. The number one state was New Mexico which came in at a whopping 7 minutes and 1 second and the (I guess) loser was the state of Alaska which ticked in a measly 1 minute and 21 seconds. Christian made a joke about that not being too surprising because you don't hear that Alaska is the home to all of the great lovers or anything like that…and then Hubbs made a joke about Katie being from Alaska and I laughed. Boom. They start talking about how Ellis probably only has sex two or three times a day if 'sex' counts as when he cums, which is still pretty impressive and I still give him hi-fives, because that's on average and not all that far from his prior 4 to 5 times per day assertion. They then start talking about how they don't think a lot of women are able to orgasm in a minute and a half and that's when I go- no wonder so many women walk around in constant BitchFace, because even the top of the list was only barely 7 minutes. I'd be all bitch in the face too!!! This turns the conversation to women who can't have vaginal orgasms and only orgasm as a result of clitoral stimulation and Tully digging into his memory banks to say that he's never had an extended sexual relationship with a woman who was unable to have a vaginal orgasm, so maybe the statistic of it being over 50% who can't is a little high. Either that or he is seriously bad at feeling out a fake female orgasm.
It's that semi-annualish time of year again! Time to go through the top contenders that the guys have received for Unsigned Bands! Here is my really bad recap of their unsigned bands segment. They play 12 songs by 12 different bands all in varying degrees of suck and make some funny comments about the varying degrees of suck. Ellis tells everyone that they shouldn't give up on their dreams, because you never know, unless they are old because then they probably know and just need to be told to go get an education and get a real job cause that shit is just not gonna happen. They have the intern Hardcore come in to listen to some of the songs with them because he is a contrary and Hardcore fellow, but he is young and they guys are trying to stay in touch with the young blood- even if it's only to tell the young blood that they have shitty taste in music. I guess I count as part of the young blood (though most likely on the brisk of young blood and regular ol' blood) and I will admit that I have shitty taste in music. I mean, I don't heart the Biebs or anything, but, I tend to love shitty poppy music, and even I could tell that most of this was just terrible. Lot of bad production, lot of just…terrible instrumental/vocal match-ups, things like that, but they whittled it down to a face off between two bands. Ellis and Christan came down on the side of a band called 610 Connecter while Tully and Hardcore were rooting for an Emo/Skatish sounding band called Abandon All Hope. They put it to the callers and at first 610 Connecter took the early lead, but by the end Abandon All Hope won in the landslide. Throughout the segment the guys had some fun playing with mustache wax and Hardcore the Intern (who really is a contrary individual the likes of which haven't been seen since that of Mary Mary) and I feel like there might have been a bit of bonding that happened. I don't think their view of Hardcore or Hardcore's view of them has changed at all…but…some accepting hatred may have occurred. Just saying.
Back from the break it's time for a game that was devised by Will, but probably more likely was the brainchild of Betsy because her name gets mentioned later on and she has a great mind for bits for the show. The game is basically a 'How Well Do You Know Ellis?' trivia game that is played by Tully, Jetta, Kevin, Christian, and Ellis (to see if he remembers the answers that he gave Will this morning before the AMA) and the winner of it gets to be Ellis' best friend forever, so it's a prize that everyone reallyreallyreally wants. I've been trying to think of the best way to recap this game since I listened to it and took notes on it and I'm rather stumped to be honest. It was 21 questions plus a bonus question and then there were 5 people answering and I feel like listing all of the questions and all of the answers would take up soooooooo much space. But…I'm at a loss. Seriously…a loss. I just asked Hubbs (see…a motherfucking saint, I tell you) so I'm going to write out the question, the answer, and who got it right.
1. Q: What is Jason's favorite food in the whole entire world? A: Chocolate
Right: Ellis
2. Q: If Jason were a carpenter, what would he build himself first? A: Yer mum's house to fuck her in Right: Ellis
3. If Jason had another male child, what would his name be? A: Twins- Shark Fucker and Michael Jackson Right: Ellis (Although Tully came close with Laser Fang)
4. What is Jason's favorite music other than rock/metal? A: Hip-Hop
Right: Ellis, Tully, Kevin, and Christian
5. If he could live anywhere other than America or Australia where would it be? A: Fiji
Right: Ellis and Jetta (pretty sure, at least)
6. What is Jason's favorite cuss word? A: Fuckin
Right: Tully and Kevin
7. How would Jason like to be buried? A: Viking Funeral
Right: Ellis and Tully
8: If Jason could have any pet, what would it be? A: Shark
Right: Ellis and Christian
9. If Jason could have any guest on his show, who would it be? A: President Obama
10. What is the most offensive jewelry a man can wear? A: Shell necklace
Right: Ellis and Tully (because he wrote the book on that…lol)
11. What does Jason think is nature's perfect food? A: Bat Dung Coffee
Right: fucking nobody…haha
12. How much should a man spend on a first date? A: As much as it takes to get laid
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
13. What is something about men that women secretly hate? A: Farts
14. What is Jason's favorite mixed drink? A: Rum and Pineapple
Right: Ellis and Kevin
15. What is the world's greatest smell, according to Jason? A: His kid's head
16. What is something that annoys Ellis that people always assume about him? A: That he had sex with Sandra Bullock Right: Ellis
17. What is the fairest fight between Ellis and an Animal? A: A Cheetah (cause he's not runnin' this is a fight, son) Right: Ellis
18. If Ellis could pick one historical figure to hang out with, who would it be? A: Michael Jordan Right: Ellis
19. What is Jason's favorite color? A: Black
20. What is Jason's lucky number? A: 1
21. Who is Jason's hero? A: Jason Ellis
22. Who is Jason's best friend? A: Katie
Right: Ellis and I think Christian got that right too
Christian came out the winner beating Tully by one measly point, proving to Mark McGrath once and for all, that not every game is skewed in Tully's favor. The bonus question was a question that Will asked Rude Jude and had the guys answer. Will asked Jude what his favorite race is. Ellis guessed Spanish, Tully/Jetta/Kevin think that Jude is a White Supremacist, and Christian thought he leaned more toward the Asian Persuasion. They were all wrong. Jude's favorite race is the hundred meter dash. Ba-dum-pshhhh. You know…that's supposed to be the drumroll/cymbal thing after a joke. Tell me how you think it should be spelled.
Back from the last break it's time to talk a little MMA and you may know that I am really bad at paying attention to this whole MMA thing because I'm really not into it unless I'm watching it. UFC 170 is this weekend…probably Saturday because that makes more sense than it being on Sunday and I feel like that's usually when Hubbs and I would go out to watch it, and it's a big card. One of the big fights is between Daniel Cormier and Patrick Durkin Cummins (and I know that only because I did the recap yesterday and had to google that shit once already) and the other fight is between Ronda Rousey and Sarah McMan (and I only remember her last name because Christian made a joke about how RR is sososososososososo hot and McMan sort of looks like a McMan). The favorites to win are Dormier and Rousey, respectively, and the guys decide to put a wager on it with some torture going to the loser. Tully and Cumtard each pick a girl, Tully going with the favorite Rousey and Cumtard stuck with McMan the underdog, and the loser has to drink a shot of their own urine. Ick. Actually…I drank pee once when I was little (because I was four and my sister was sort of evil back then) and it wasn't enough to scar a four year old- so whatevs on that. For the second bet Ellis is backing Dormier to win over Cumtard's Cummins (haha) and if Ellis loses he has to go on the Cumtardian's podcast. If TardTard loses he gets to eat whatever he likes for 45 minutes (most likely some lobster tail) and then immediately has to take a big bite out of a raw onion. Because- of course, that's why. Cumtard says that means on Monday he is going to be drinking his own pee and eating an onion, and it sure looks that way, but Tully says that he is rooting for Rousey to lose because he loves an underdog.
Final calls have sort of been happening since the guys came back from break and there are a lot of people talking about a lot of things and a lot of people getting shot and a couple of kids even call in to the show, for some reason. I'm going to skip all of that. There was one caller who called in and did not give his name, but he had some pretty devastating news: apparently his parents died in a car wreck earlier today and he was driving home to go deal with it. He said on the phone that he didn't really have anyone to call and talk to about it, so he called Ellis and the guys because, well, Ellis is pretty good with all of this tough shit (as rough around the edges that he may be). He and Ellis talk for a while and Ellis tells him to drive extrasupersafe on his way home and that he'll get through it, and yes, it will change his life but he should not let it destroy his life. And caller, if you are out there, if this ever crosses paths with you: I'm sure I speak for all of Ellisfam (except for that one dick who needs to have his toenails removed from his feet and forced into the walls of his anus after being barbed for his pleasure) when I say that our heart goes out to you, man. There is not much to be said so far as comfort, because…how can that be comforted? The only thing that will help with the pain will probably be time, but know that Ellisfam has your back. They've had my back for a while now, through some of my own tough times, and I'm sure everyone would do the same for you. Please don't feel alone. Reach out to us here, on twitter, on instagram…we're everywhere. Personally, I'm always good to listen. I kind of suck at talking…but I will listen and I will try and say the right thing, even if the only thing I say is "that's shitty, I love you, hugs from far away". Condolences, unknown caller, my heart is breaking for you.
What we learned on the show today:
I'm sick and cranky
Reddit with Ellisfam is a freewheeling conversation with your fingers
No disease will stop Tully from sending his emails
The guys got their hands on a Keytar
Kelly Slater would kick a shark's ass in a fight and is also probably Aquaman
Don Fry has a mustache that is not to be fucked with
Ellis got Mustache Wax and a Mustache comb
Ellis is the ideal candidate for a slow poisoning by Jetta and Hardcore
Ellis' 1st wife took forever to orgasm and it was the worst sex ever cause then she cried
Tully thought the point of sex was to make girls orgasm
Medical Marijuana may or may not help stop the spread of HIV, but it definitely helps cancer patients/terminally ill people eat food
The Raiders Cheerleaders are suing the Management for making them…be cheerleaders
Patrick Durkin Cummins was a Barista 3 days ago and may very be one again next week
Tully is gonna have a shitty weekend bc he and his wife are taking the pacifier away from LittleMan
LittleMan is not, in fact, a little man- he is a feral mutant sewer monkey belligerent idiot moron monkey junkie who doesn't speak english
Final callers still suck and can't stop dying
Posted in Overviews & Re-Caps | Tagged Chad Reed, Cumtard, EllisMania, Ellismania10, games, Hardcore, Jason Ellis, Jetta, Mike Tully, MMA, Mustache, Mustache Wax, UFC, Unsigned Bands, who knows jason ellis, Will Pendarvis | Leave a reply
Tully isn't there, but Shoebox can be pretty funny, right?
Until now, you have remained safe. Wait. That's old. Until now, it was just Monday. Now it's Monday with TJES, so that makes it a little better, right? So quick roll call reveals the following: My adopted father (Tully) is not there today, in his place is Christian James Hand (Shoebox), and since it is Monday, Dingo is there as well. So straight off the bat, the show is already missing Tully as nobody can figure out how to put video up on the monitor. Will's off gallivanting with Comedy Central for some reason unrelated to the show. And Sam Rubin got bitch slapped by Samuel L. Jackson because he mistook him for Laurence Fishburne. What a fucking hemorrhoid. So of course being his own biggest fan, Sam had to call TMZ to attack them over his utterly foolish fuck up. Again, what a fucking hemorrhoid. Dingo tried to stick up for Sam, but that's like having a serial rapist speak on your behalf during your tax evasion trial – not gonna help. Especially when Dingo can't distinguish between Laurence Fishburne, the entire Wayons family, Michael Clarke Duncan, Terry Crews, all blacks, all gays, and Jim Carey. Amazing. Also, his mother is not racist and looks better than Mickey Rourke.
You know who understand you and your mom & dad issues? This guy.
Ellis finally confronted his Dr. Drew TV femnazi anti-fan on Twitter, she thinks he's a sexist and keeps trying to rally other dumb bitches to get behind her hate bullshit. Speaking of twats, Mum Ellis texted Son Ellis over the weekend, putting son in a bad mood. She called, lost his address and wanted to know what Tiger is into. She follows him on Instagram and shit, and everyone knows what Tiger is into, except her apparently. Ellis calls her back, tells Mum his address, tells her what Tiger is into and just wants off the phone, he was cold with her because of all their past. Mum asks him what people back home would think of him and he doesn't give two shits about what those fuckers think about him. Couple days go by, she sends him a text basically apologizing for his childhood, says his lack of care and love for her is breaking her heart, she can't take it anymore, wishes him all the best, and will now get out of his life, though her door is always open to him and his children. Ellis is still too pissed off about all the bullshit he put up with his childhood, that was part of her doing as his mother, and he'll continue to go to therapy to try to deal with his past.
Dingo has no idea what is going on and could care less.
Cumtard brought us back in from break with a kooky "Hey!" Not like how Frank DeCaro says it, but like a whack-a-doody morning radio turd. He came in with a story about Michael Sam, the former Missouri defensive end who is an NFL prospect, coming out saying that he is gay. This could make him the first openly gay man being drafted into the NFL. According to Dingo, this is Terry Crews. Black guy story time, when Ellis came to America, he went through a drive-thru to get some food, a homeless black guy came up to him and Ellis couldn't understand his blaccent and was just amazed at how black he was. The next day he was wondering why people are so racist against black dudes but okay with buying Volvos. Cool story, huh? Look, nobody ever said the story had to make sense, be related to the news story, or have a point. Christian Hand had a blaccent issue once with Charles Barkley, he thought he was talking about nipple weights – turns out Barkley was talking about ping pong tables. I mean, you could see how easily the two could be confused, right? Game time, not gay NFL black guy game, but a game about metal – since Cumtard and Katie are into metal. Maybe they're into gay potential NFL players as well, I don't know, but that's not the point. So basically, we're going to be listening to some metal songs and see how long they can stand to listen to each track, with tracks being picked by Katie or Cumtard. Whoever's track picks have been listened to the longest, wins. Turns out Katie and Cumtard are both into metal bands that are heavily influenced by J R R Tolkien, and Dingo's completely confused so he gets some alone time with his phone. So when the pretend Hobbit smoke cleared, Katie was the clear winner as her tracks got played much longer than Cumtard's flimmity-flam-sham-squibble-de-doink track picks.
Ellis being tortured by having to do radio while 3 porn chicks are naked in studio.
Back from break with 3 sets of titTAYs in the studio. Why are they in the studio, because that's what AJ McLean wants, call it a birthday gift. He also wants to take you down, take you down to Butt Town. There's all kinds of vagina being flashed around the studio by Natasha Starr (who Dingo thinks likes chocolate – not choking), Dillion Harper, and Alexa Aimes and they're drinking champagne, so things should get pretty… loose – if you catch my drift. AJ took over the captains chair while Ellis took his spot so he could concentrate on the show have a naked porn chick on his lap and sit in semi-silence with a semi-boner. AJ likes his naked chick surprise, but he thinks it would've been more surprising if Ellis, Dingo, and Christian were naked in the studio. Let him take you down, take you down to Butt Town – know what I'm sayin'? AJ brought in a gift as well, an Anvil iPhone case, which of course needed to be rubbed on some porn pussy, because that's how all phone cases are tested. Ellis keeps getting distracted by two porn chicks playing with each other on the couch and Dingo is distracted by his phone and AJ, who wants to take him down, take him down to Butt Town. There was something about AJ's horrible tribal tattoo that he got done in a German hotel from a guy named Skeletor. No word on if he was taken down, taken down to Butt Town.
Don't like my recap? Deal with it.
The bus for Butt Town just left, it took the chicks with it. But it dropped off some crazy stalker at the stop, who was arrested for coming back to stalk Paris Hilton, this time with tattoos of her on his body. Dingo knows all about Beats By Dre, how they're made, who all was involved making them, including the people on the assembly line, and he thinks there's a good possibility he get Ellis a headphone sponsor, because why the fuck not, right? According to Dingo, Christian's ex-girlfriend still loves him and asks about him an absurd amount. Christian thinks he's full of shit, but the Dingo swears it's true, which is pretty much like the gospel of God, so you know that shit is more than true – it's the troof. Christians current girlfriend refuses to lick his ass, unless it's a super special occassion, and she also refuses to go see the new Lego movie with him, so he's gonna lick his own ass and go see the new Lego movie by himself. So Chad Reed wrecked this weekend, sounds like he got injured in that crash but he's a god damn man that can take that shit, plus he eats his Reedies, the cereal of men, so he's not even sweating that shit. Yet. Someone called asking about Rawdog (seriously) and Ellis says he's over it. Apparently Rawdog tried to talk some shit and get Ellis and the show in trouble on his way out, which obviously didn't go over well with Ellis and crew. Dingo however did see him on the skreets, walking into a McDonald's. Seriously, Dingo fucking sees and hears all, he knows everyone. Matter of fact, you wouldn't have been born if Dingo didn't convince your mom to let your dad take her down, take her down to Butt Town, so you can thank Dingo for even being alive. Since I know you're wondering, but are too afraid to ask Dingo, I'm going to answer the question you've dying all day to ask. What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis. OH!
Gotchya!
Posted in Overviews & Re-Caps | Tagged AJ McLean, Chad Reed, Christian Hand, Cumtard, Dingo, Jason Ellis, Mike Tully, Sam Rubin, Samuel L. Jackson, Tiger Ellis, UnderwearWolf, Will Pendarvis | Leave a reply


text:
No deep reflection is needed to come up with what's happened over the past year in the CS department; most everyone would agree the year's distinguishing features were StanfordNYC and Online-Education. I'll discuss both of these very interesting developments―one already in the past and the other going strong―later in the newsletter, although it's not possible to give either of them the coverage they deserve without going on for pages! I'll also highlight our exciting new faculty hires, record-breaking enrollments and majors, a special year on CS theory, our usual array of faculty, staff, and student awards, and a tiny glimpse into our plethora of research activities.
I doubt many of you are counting, but this marks my third newsletter. I had intended it to be my last―although my time as CS department chair falls a bit short of the departmental average, it's already been longer than the three-year rotation I signed up for. But given the turmoil of the past year (reminder: StanfordNYC and Online-Education), my arm was twisted to stick it out another year or two for continuity. So, for better or worse, you'll be hearing from me again next summer.
Once again we were able to snag two of the year's most talented CS PhDs to join our faculty: In 2013, Michael Bernstein and Greg Valiant will become Stanford CS assistant professors.
Michael Bernstein received his Ph.D. from MIT, where he has already made prominent contributions to the new and exciting field of crowdsourcing, within the broader areas of social computing and human-computer interaction. Stanford is a bit of a homecoming for Michael, who graduated from Stanford with a symbolic systems major before heading to MIT for graduate school. (It's even more of a homecoming for Michael's wife, Adi Greif, who not only was a Stanford undergraduate, but grew up on the Stanford campus as a faculty child.) Michael is spending his first ½ year back in the Bay Area as a post-doc at Facebook, before moving into the Gates Building in January.
Gregory Valiant is finishing up his Ph.D. at UC Berkeley―our traditional cross-bay rival, but also the source of many of our faculty. (Hiring our own PhDs directly to the faculty is strongly frowned upon due to "inbreeding," so it's not surprising that most of our faculty come from other top departments like Berkeley and MIT.) Greg works in computer science theory, with a broad portfolio of results in algorithms, learning, applied probability, and statistics. Greg will spend a year as a post-doc at the Microsoft Cambridge research lab before joining us in the fall of 2013. Incidentally, lest you wonder if there's a relationship, Greg's father Leslie not long ago won ACM's Turing Award, widely considered the "Nobel Prize of Computer Science." And Greg's brother Paul will be joining the CS faculty at Brown University. Quite a family!
Faculty-Knowledge Quiz: Michael Bernstein is our third faculty member to have participated in the much-loved CS section leader program as an undergraduate. Do you know who the other two are? Email your answer to smorze@stanford.edu; if it's correct we'll include your name in next year's newsletter.
CS Popularity among Undergraduates Reaches Record Levels
This was a record-breaking year for CS enrollments on many fronts. First, we set a new all-time high for the number of undergraduates choosing to major in CS, with 246 students declaring their CS major this past year alone. That's more than 40% higher than the previous record of 171 CS declarations in 2000-01 (at the height of the dot-com bubble), and double the number of annual declarations from just a few years ago (e.g., 123 CS declarations 2008-09). As a result, CS has become—for the first time ever—the largest undergraduate major at Stanford.
In addition to record numbers of CS majors, we are also seeing large numbers of students from across the university choosing to take CS courses. More than 1,500 students took the introductory programming course CS106A this past academic year, an increase of more than a 25% from 2010-11 (which was the previous record). Also, the CS department taught a total of nearly 60,000 class units last year, the largest number of units taught by any department at Stanford. Currently over 90% of all Stanford undergraduates take at least one CS class before graduating, and we're seeing increasing numbers of graduate students from other fields taking CS classes as well.
Needless to say, accommodating all of these students in our classes poses some logistical challenges, but the level of interest in CS across the student body is exciting and invigorating.
StanfordNYC
In July 2011, mayor Michael Bloomberg announced a university competition to open a world-class campus for engineering and applied sciences in New York City. Despite peer institutions having set up shop in locales ranging from Singapore to Qatar, Stanford long resisted overtures to create a satellite campus abroad. However, a NYC campus held more appeal: There's no language or cultural barrier (though some might argue there's a pretty big cultural divide between California and New York!), no insurmountable time difference, and NYC has the largest concentration of Stanford alums outside of the Bay Area.
After a long series of discussions at all levels of the university, and a lot of hard work, in October 2011 Stanford submitted a 100+ page proposal for "StanfordNYC"―a $2.5 billion, 1.9-million-square-foot campus to be developed on Roosevelt Island over 30 years. The campus would have an eventual faculty of more than 200, and an eventual graduate student body of more than 2,000. The initial focus of the campus would be on information technology and entrepreneurship, something we at Stanford, especially in the CS department, are certainly experts in! Needless to say, the new campus would have a tremendous impact on the CS department, demanding rapid growth as well as exciting innovations in distance learning and new opportunities for collaborative research.
It was widely acknowledged that Stanford was one of leading contenders to be awarded the campus. Extensive discussions between Stanford and NYC took place during November and early December 2011. During the discussions Stanford was taken by surprise by a number of logistics and restrictions that were not part of the original announcement. Eventually Stanford came to realize the project would not be the partnership with the city that was originally envisioned, and we withdrew our proposal. There was, of course, a significant amount of disappointment after so much work had been done, and so much excitement generated. But admittedly there was some relief as well―the campus would have changed the course of the CS department considerably, and we think we're already doing pretty well as we are! Shortly after Stanford's withdrawal, the NYC campus was awarded to a collaborative proposal between Cornell University and Israel's Technion.
Please visit the StanfordNYC page if you're interested in learning more.
Online Education Initiatives
Over the past few years a number of CS faculty started thinking about shaking up the way we teach. You might remember from our 2010 newsletter (see Using Technology to Enable Human-Human Interaction in the Classroom) that Prof. Daphne Koller was promoting the idea of a "flipped classroom," where students watch prerecorded video lectures on their own time to learn the core material. The videos are delivered in short, topic-specific chunks, with embedded quizzes to check basic understanding. Classroom time is devoted to interactive exercises and other engaging activities that reinforce and expand the core material. In the summer of 2011, Prof. Sebastian Thrun surprised everyone by deciding that not only would he use the flipped classroom approach for his fall offering of CS221-Introduction to Artificial Intelligence, but he would make the lecture videos available for free to the public, and augment them with automatically-checked exercises and a public discussion forum. Prof. Andrew Ng and yours truly had also been planning to try the flipped classroom in our fall courses (CS229-Machine Learning and CS145-Introduction to Databases), so we joined Sebastian in making our courses available to the world. The reception was unprecedented. Within just a few weeks, literally hundreds of thousands of students had signed up for the three courses!
Fast-forwarding to the end of fall quarter, tens of thousands of students from around the world had completed one or more of the courses, with a huge outpouring of gratitude and excitement. Profs. Thrun, Ng, and I had thrown ourselves into our projects, creating and perfecting course materials and exercises, while watching with wonder as the discussion forums hummed with activity. It turns out there's no need for teaching assistants when you have social networking among thousands of eager students! On the Stanford front, although there were some mixed reactions to the new format, the key to success was improved self-learning together with good use of the new-found classroom time. In my database course there was nearly unanimous agreement that the purpose-made lecture videos with quizzes, and the extensive automated exercises, were enjoyable and provided an effective way to learn the basic material. Add on the interactive classroom activities, hand-graded challenge problems, a programming project, and conventional exams, and the complete package sat very well with the Stanford students. As concrete evidence, my course-evaluation scores saw a measurable uptick; it's hard to argue with that.
What's happened since last fall can only be described as scary and wonderful chaos. Two start-up companies were born from the Stanford efforts: Coursera, founded by Profs. Koller and Ng, is building a platform that can deliver a wide variety of courses developed by multiple universities, while Udacity, founded by Prof. Thrun, is developing its own curriculum to educate budding software engineers. MIT and Harvard jointly announced edX; reportedly many other universities are thinking very seriously about how or whether they should join the fray. Press coverage has been widespread. Practically every gathering of faculty, formal or informal, within Stanford or beyond, ends up with a long discussion of online education—what it means for us now, and what it means in the long run.
President Hennessy took a sabbatical for a few months this spring; guess what he reports spending his time thinking about? He describes a tsunami coming to education, one that we can either surf or be drowned by. This is Stanford―we created the initial wave, and we'll be riding the tsunami. Meanwhile back in the CS department, about a dozen more courses have been converted to a flipped classroom, a public offering, or both. It's a lot of work for the faculty, but every instructor is simply jazzed by the ability to make substantial improvements in his or her Stanford course, while at the same reaching thousands of students around the world.
At some point the chaos will settle and we'll see where these developments are headed for the long term. Our own Prof. John Mitchellhas been named Vice Provost for Online Learning, a post that includes chairing a high-powered university-level committee to think seriously about the many issues involved and where Stanford should head. Meanwhile, in true Stanford style, the plan is to encourage experimentation across platforms, disciplines, and audiences. You can follow Stanford's wide variety of online-education activities—some new and many long-standing—on the website Online Learning at Stanford. One thing you can count on: CS faculty will be at the heart of Stanford's fast-moving efforts to use new technology to improve on-campus and off-campus education.
Special Year on Theoretical Computer Science
The theory group celebrated a number of recent faculty hires (Prof. Luca Trevisan, Prof. Ryan Williams, and now Greg Valiant) with a "Special Year on Theoretical Computer Science," which featured important visitors as well as seminars, workshops, and a new colloquium series. Princeton professor Bob Tarjan, the CS department's Distinguished Visitor for the year, ran a seminar on data structures and collaborated with Prof. Ashish Goel (from Stanford's MS&E department) on new results for the classical Union-Find data structure. Harvard professor Salil Vadhan and his Ph.D. students also visited the department, working with Prof. Trevisan and his group on problems in computational complexity and cryptography. Prof. Tim Roughgarden organized an algorithms workshop with the theme Beyond Worst-Case Analysis. Profs. Roughgarden and Trevisan initiated the Rajeev Motwani Distinguished Lecture Series, an ongoing quarterly series of colloquia in theoretical computer science aimed at a broad audience. All workshop and colloquium talks are archived on YouTube.
While the Special Year has come to a close, the theory group continues to be a hotbed of activity. This coming year Stanford will host two of the premier annual conferences in theoretical computer science: the ACM Symposium on Theory of Computing and the IEEE Conference on Computational Complexity. Prof. Trevisan will run a workshop on graph partitioning algorithms, random walks, and expander graphs, three topics that have significant mathematical connections but are studied by largely distinct communities. Prof. Goel and Prof. Amin Saberi (also from the MS&E department) will organize a workshop on issues at the intersection of social networks and theoretical computer science, an area that is also well represented in the long-standing RAIN (Research on Algorithms and Incentives in Networks) seminar, run jointly by CS and MS&E.
The MobiSocial Project
Spring 2011 saw the creation of the new MobiSocial Computing Laboratory, directed by Prof. Monica Lam. A primary goal of the MobiSocial project is to create open technologies for social networking and data ownership that free users from being locked into proprietary solutions. In just over a year the lab has already developed a new social network called Musubi, which allows groups of phone users to share text, pictures, games, and most importantly apps, in real time, all without intermediation. Data is shared over phones with the help of identity-based encryption and backed up to users' choice of storage. Musubi has recently been released on the Android Play Store, and the iPhone version is forthcoming. With the help of a few freshmen and local high school students, Musubi is also emerging as a promising research platform to attract pre-college students, especially girls, into computer science. The MobiSocial Lab operates in part as an industry affiliates program, currently consisting of five partners: AVG, Google, ING Direct (part of Capital One), Nokia, and Sony/Ericsson. Given what's come out of the new lab in just one short year, stay tuned for exciting further developments.
Data-Driven 3D Modeling
The ability to easily create detailed synthetic models of three-dimensional objects and environments would have significant applications in entertainment, education, and telecommunication. Unfortunately, creating three-dimensional models of complex objects is notoriously difficult and time-consuming. Making the creation of three-dimensional content more accessible is one of the biggest challenges in computer graphics research. Over the past few years, Prof. Vladlen Koltun and his group have developed a new generation of 3D modeling tools that allow even novices to create detailed models of complex objects. The key idea is to use machine learning to construct representations of geometric and structural properties of objects from different families, such as buildings, airplanes, or chairs. These representations are used to assist the modeling process. They are capable of generating complete objects from these categories in response to high-level specifications, and can fill in geometric details that previously required painstaking sculpting. Prof. Koltun's group has demonstrated that data-driven tools support rapid modeling of custom buildings, furniture, vehicles, aircraft, ships, animals, and other types of complex objects. See the project page for more information.
Web Privacy and Third-Party Tracking
Prof. John Mitchell has been studying third-party tracking on the web, together with his Ph.D. student Jonathan Mayer who has the unusual distinction of pursuing jointly a CS Ph.D. and Law degree. When you visit a web site that contains an advertisement, the advertisement is requested by your browser based on commands provided by the site you visited. These commands may trigger a series of requests to third-party sites, possibly passing any information known to the first-party site. Since third-party advertisers learn your network address and other information about you each time they serve an ad, they can correlate data associated with different requests originating from different first-party sites you visit. As a result, an advertiser can learn for example that you visited several different shopping sites, a health site, and a social network site, possibly correlating information about what you looked at or bought at each one. Prof. Mitchell and his student designed a method for opting out of third-party tracking called "Do Not Track," which is now supported in all major browsers. Over this past year, the group also developed a tool called "Fourth Party," which can be used to track third-party tracking. Fourth Party is an instrumented browser that records events that occur when a web site is visited and stores them in a database. Using Fourth Party, a number of sites have been found to violate their apparent privacy promises to users, or to use unusually invasive tracking techniques such as "history stealing." Data collected using Fourth Party has led to a number of actions against tracking companies by the Federal Trade Commission, and a number of prominent articles in major news outlets.
Architectural Support for Snapshot Isolation and Atomic Update
The long-running quest for abstractions and mechanisms that facilitate the development of highly concurrent and highly available systems has gained importance with the growing use of multi-core systems and the expectation of 24x7 system availability. The atomic transaction is being used extensively to this end in both database and distributed systems. The snapshot isolation model of transactions is being favored because it avoids the need to detect read-write conflicts. With the memory system being the performance bottleneck for many applications, an important research question being addressed by Prof. David Cheriton and his group is whether there is a compelling case for architectural support in the memory system for snapshot isolation-based transactions. Recent innovations provide a memory controller with an extra level of indirection to physical memory, allowing deduplication of memory at cache-line granularity for virtual machine environments, saving on DRAM. Prof. Cheriton's group uses this technology to make creating a snapshot of state far less expensive; it can also be used to atomically update on transaction commit. The direction shows promise in supporting highly concurrent multi-core applications without locking, as well as providing hardware support for in-memory databases using "consistent read" semantics. Because the shared memory lines are immutable, this approach also reduces the coherency memory traffic between processor cores, a key issue with scaling performance. The same deduplicating memory architecture is being tried on sparse matrix computation where, again, memory access overhead dominates as the performance bottleneck. With benefits across several application domains, Prof. Cheriton believes this approach makes a compelling case for a major redesign of the 70-year old Von Neumann memory model.
It's been an especially good year for major faculty awards:
Leo Guibas ― IEEE Fellow
Jeff Heer ― Sloan Fellowship
John Hennessy ― IEEE Medal of Honor (Yes, John is the university president, but he remains a member of the CS faculty and we're proud of it)
Scott Klemmer ― Katayanagi Prize for Emerging Leadership
Don Knuth ― IET Faraday Medal
Don Knuth again ― Elected to American Philosophical Society
Jean-Claude Latombe ― IEEE Pioneer in Robotics and Automation Award
Jure Leskovec ― Sloan Fellowship
Chris Manning ― Fellow of Association for Computational Linguistics
Ed McCluskey ― IEEE John von Neumann Medal
Eric Roberts ― IEEE Computer Society Taylor L. Booth Education Award
Mendel Rosenblum ― IEEE Computer Entrepreneur Award
Tim Roughgarden ― Goedel Prize
Jeff Ullman ― Elected to American Academy of Arts and Sciences
In addition, Mehran Sahami was named one of Princeton Review's Best 300 Professors (that's across all universities and all fields!), Ed Feigenbaum was named a Computer History Museum Fellow, Mehran Sahami (again) became the Robert and Ruth Halperin University Fellow in Undergraduate Education, and Dan Boneh received the Dean's Ishii Award for Industry Education Innovation.
When we hired Keith Schwarz as a lecturer a year ago, we knew he was an amazing teacher: as a Stanford CS undergraduate and coterminal student he created and taught courses that quickly became among the most highly-rated in the department. It didn't take long for his talents to be recognized on an even broader scale. Keith is the 2012 recipient of the Tau Beta Pi Excellence in Teaching Award, given to just one individual across the entire school of engineering. It's unusual for this award to go to a lecturer, and nearly unheard of for someone to receive it after just one year of full-time teaching. Keith is an educator of the very highest caliber; we're extremely fortunate to have him.
On the staff side, we were thrilled that our beloved and extraordinarily competent student services specialist Meredith Hutchin won the School of Engineering's Kay Bradley Award for Outstanding Service to Students. Meredith indeed does an outstanding job with a wide variety of student-related tasks, but even more importantly she brings true compassion and a "can-do" attitude to student issues, be they large or small. Even with double the number of students from just a few years ago―and therefore double the number of student issues―Meredith solves them and does it with a smile. It's staff like Meredith that make the CS department such a happy home for so many.
Our students continue to do amazing things, and garner wide recognition for it.
School-Wide Academic Honors ― Frank Li was named the Ford Scholar in the School of Engineering, an award given annually to the undergraduate student with the highest GPA across the entire engineering school. Well done, Frank! Frank is the third Ford Scholar in a row to hail from the CS Department. Previous winners were David Tobin in 2011 and Keith Schwarz (now a CS Lecturer) in 2010.
Undergraduate Research ― Pang Wei Koh won not one, but three awards with his undergraduate honors thesis "Indentifying Genetic Drivers of Cancer Morphology," advised by Prof. Daphne Koller. Departmentally, Pang Wei won the Wegbreit Prize for Best CS Undergraduate Honors Thesis. He also won one of 28 university-wide Firestone Medals for Excellence in Undergraduate Research. His crown jewel was receiving the Kennedy Thesis Prize for the best honors thesis across all of the applied sciences and engineering. Congratulations, Pang Wei!
Graduate Research ― The Arthur Samuel Award for outstanding CS Ph.D. thesis was given to Shaddin Dughmi for his thesis "Randomization and Computation in Strategic Settings," advised by Prof. Tim Roughgarden. MS student David Held won the Christofer Stephenson Memorial Award for Graduate Research, given to the best CS Masters research report. David's report, "Autonomous Driving: Car Detection, Tracking, and Street Sign Detection," was co-advised by Profs. Vaughan Pratt and Sebastian Thrun.
Teaching Awards ― Our students did such an impressive job in support of teaching this year that two of them, Katherine Breeden and David Cummings, received the department's George Forsythe Memorial Award for Excellence in Student Teaching. Katherine was recognized for her work as an outstanding Teaching Assistant for CS148: Introduction to Computer Graphics and Imaging, with many students gushing about her unusual talent at promoting learning and enthusiasm for the material. David was commended for helping to develop the public version of CS145: Introduction to Databases (see Online Education Initiatives above), in which over 60,000 students enrolled. David did an equally stellar job supporting the 140 Stanford students in the course..
ACM International Collegiate Programming Contest ― Stanford once again did quite well in the ACM ICPC, with the team of John Pardon, Nick Wu, and Chenguang Zhu winning first place in the Pacific Northwest Regional Contest, besting strong teams from the University of British Columbia, University of Washington, and, of course, our cross-bay rival UC Berkeley. John, Nick, and Chenguang then advanced to the World Finals in Warsaw, Poland, where they placed a respectable 13th (ahead of both Carnegie Mellon and MIT).
Recognition from Bill Clinton ― We're excited to report that Code the Change, a student organization spearheaded by CS student Sam King to help computer scientists use their skills for social change, was recognized by former President Bill Clinton at the 2012 Clinton Global Initiative University. Keep up the great work, Sam!
Our distinguished visitor and lecture program, finishing up a third year since its revival, continues to thrive thanks to excellent oversight by Prof. David Dill.
For the 2011-12 academic year we hosted Bob Tarjan as a Distinguished Visitor. A Stanford Ph.D. alum, Tarjan is bicoastally distinguished: his permanent position is as Distinguished University Professor of Computer Science at Princeton. As a preeminent theorist, Tarjan's visit was timed to coincide with the Special Year on Theory described earlier in the newsletter.
We hosted three Distinguished Lecturers this year: Shree Nayar from Columbia, Stefan Savage from UC San Diego, and Christos Papadimitriou from UC Berkeley. The three talks represented three very different areas ― computational photography, internet security, and theory of computation ― with engaging presentations on timely and fun topics within each one.
Times have never been busier at the Computer Forum, which for 40 years has been the prime facilitator of connections between industry and Stanford's CS and EE Departments. Companies join the Computer Forum to get involved with research, recruiting, or both. This past year has seen membership reach a record high of 108 companies. At the peak of the dot-com boom around the year 2000 we had 82 members; between then and now we dipped as low as 59. Our hunch is that recruiting is the biggest allure for companies these days, given the sizzling hiring climate for Stanford CS graduates (see The Job Market in Computer Science is Hot in last year's newsletter). We had a record-breaking 70 companies participating in our two major career fairs, and we hosted 180 information sessions (where companies give presentations to students, often accompanied by free pizza and corporate swag). We hosted over 250 interviews, and organized several field trips for students to visit local companies. Unfortunately none of our foreign companies (currently hailing from Brazil, China, Hong Kong, Japan, Korea, and Saudi Arabia) have yet offered to sponsor field trips.
On the research side, the spring Annual Meeting, together with focused workshops surrounding the main meeting, always draws hundreds of participants. This year's featured topics were on-line education, machine learning, computer security, and mobile & social applications. We're hosting 18 visiting scholars—member-company employees who spend a year in a Stanford research group.
Computer Forum membership fees are used in a variety of ways to support the CS and EE departments: they support incoming graduate students, research seminars, and student groups like our ACM student chapter, WICS (Women in Computer Science), and WEE (Women in Electrical Engineering). With increased membership, the Forum has also been able to support our annual undergraduate student project fair (popular with company representatives, not to mention venture capitalists), and provide funds for students to attend the always inspiring Grace Hopper Conference. The Computer Forum is a win-win enterprise for companies and Stanford alike. If your company is not yet a member, please consider joining!

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


Remember that anyone can monitor your activity on the wiki.
No plagiarism or blatantly copying another's work!
How should I set up a personal mythology page?
We recommend you make a glossary to help your readers understand your content, but this is NOT necessary.
Use visuals to entice the audience. We strongly recommend at leat one picture per page.
Do NOT link your story on the front page of Real Mythology Wikia. We will pick the best three (besides my personal one) to link in the "Links" section.
Must be in English and be as well-written as possible.
RealMythology Wikia is a FANDOM Lifestyle Community.