I have n't been alone one minute since it happened -- and I want to be . I want to be quite silent and quiet and try to realize it . I ca n't realize it . Half the time it seems to me that Matthew ca n't be dead ; and the other half it seems as if he must have been dead for a long time and I 've had this horrible dull ache ever since . '' Diana did not quite understand . Marilla 's impassioned grief , breaking all the bounds of natural reserve and lifelong habit in its stormy rush , she could comprehend better than Anne 's tearless agony . But she went away kindly , leaving Anne alone to keep her first vigil with sorrow . Anne hoped that the tears would come in solitude . It seemed to her a terrible thing that she could not shed a tear for Matthew , whom she had loved so much and who had been so kind to her , Matthew who had walked with her last evening at sunset and was now lying in the dim room below with that awful peace on his brow . But no tears came at first , even when she knelt by her window in the darkness and prayed , looking up to the stars beyond the hills -- no tears , only the same horrible dull ache of misery that kept on aching until she fell asleep , worn out with the day 's pain and excitement . In the night she awakened , with the stillness and the darkness about her , and the recollection of the day came over her like a wave of sorrow . She could see Matthew 's face smiling at her as he had smiled when they parted at the gate that last evening -- she could hear his voice saying , `` My girl -- my girl that I 'm proud of . '' Then the tears came and Anne wept her heart out . Marilla heard her and crept in to comfort her . `` There -- there -- do n't cry so , dearie . It ca n't bring him back . It -- it -- is n't right to cry so . I knew that today , but I could n't help it then . He 'd always been such a good , kind brother to me -- but God knows best . '' `` Oh , just let me cry , Marilla , '' sobbed Anne .
`` The tears do n't hurt me XXXXX that ache did .
In about as beyond for like of since than to