He loved beauty in everything . Moonrises hurt him with their loveliness and he could sit for hours gazing at a white narcissus -- much to his aunt 's exasperation . He was solitary by nature . He felt horribly alone in a crowded building but never in the woods or in the wild places along the shore . It was because of this that his aunt could not get him to go to church -- which was a horror to her orthodox soul . He told her he would like to go to church if it were empty but he could not bear it when it was full -- full of smug , ugly people . Most people , he thought , were ugly -- though not so ugly as he was -- and ugliness made him sick with repulsion . Now and then he saw a pretty girl at whom he liked to look but he never saw one that wholly pleased him . To him , the homely , crippled , poverty-stricken Roger Temple whom they all would have scorned , there was always a certain subtle something wanting , and the lack of it kept him heartwhole . He knew that this probably saved him from much suffering , but for all that he regretted it . He wanted to love , even vainly ; he wanted to experience this passion of which the poets sang so much . Without it he felt he lacked the key to a world of wonder . He even tried to fall in love ; he went to church for several Sundays and sat where he could see beautiful Elsa Carey . She was lovely -- it gave him pleasure to look at her ; the gold of her hair was so bright and living ; the pink of her cheek so pure , the curve of her neck so flawless , the lashes of her eyes so dark and silken . But he looked at her as at a picture . When he tried to think and dream of her , it bored him . Besides , he knew she had a rather nasal voice . He used to laugh sarcastically to himself over Elsa 's feelings if she had known how desperately he was trying to fall in love with her and failing -- Elsa the queen of hearts , who believed she had only to look to reign . He gave up trying at last , but he still longed to love . He knew he would never marry ; he could not marry plainness , and beauty would have longed to love .
He knew he would never marry ; he could not marry plainness , and beauty would have none XXXXX him ; but he did not want to miss everything and he had moments when he was very bitter and rebellious because he felt he must miss it forever .
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