He would go home and see him just once , even although he dreaded meeting aversion in the child 's eyes . Then , when he had bade him good-bye , and , with him , good-bye to all that remained to make for good in his desolated existence , he would go out of his life forever . `` I 'll go straight to the devil then , '' he said sullenly . `` That 's where I belong , a jail-bird at whom everybody except other jail-birds looks askance . To think what I was once , and what I am now ! It 's enough to drive a man mad ! As for repenting , bah ! Who 'd believe that I really repented , who 'd give me a second chance on the faith of it ? Not a soul . Repentance wo n't blot out the past . It wo n't give me back my wife whom I loved above everything on earth and whose heart I broke . It wo n't restore me my unstained name and my right to a place among honourable men . There 's no chance for a man who has fallen as low as I have . If Emily were living , I could struggle for her sake . But who 'd be fool enough to attempt such a fight with no motive and not one chance of success in a hundred . Not I. I 'm down and I 'll stay down . There 's no climbing up again . '' He celebrated his first day of freedom by getting drunk , although he had never before been an intemperate man . Then , when the effects of the debauch wore off , he took the train for Alliston ; he would go home and see little Joey once . Nobody at the station where he alighted recognized him or paid any attention to him .
He was XXXXX a dead man who had come back to life to find himself effaced from recollection and his place knowing him no more .
If To among as except for in on that with