To be blind -- never to see the beauty of the world again -- moonlight on Four Winds -- the stars twinkling through the fir-trees -- mist on the gulf . I ought to go -- I ought to want to go -- but I do n't -- I hate the thought of it -- I 'm ashamed -- ashamed . '' `` But , Walter , you could n't go anyhow , '' said Rilla piteously . She was sick with a new terror that Walter would go after all . `` You 're not strong enough . '' `` I am . I 've felt as fit as ever I did this last month . I 'd pass any examination -- I know it . Everybody thinks I 'm not strong yet -- and I 'm skulking behind that belief . I -- I should have been a girl , '' Walter concluded in a burst of passionate bitterness . `` Even if you were strong enough , you ought n't to go , '' sobbed Rilla . `` What would mother do ? She 's breaking her heart over Jem . It would kill her to see you both go . '' `` Oh , I 'm not going -- do n't worry . I tell you I 'm afraid to go -- afraid . I do n't mince the matter to myself . It 's a relief to own up even to you , Rilla . I would n't confess it to anybody else -- Nan and Di would despise me . But I hate the whole thing -- the horror , the pain , the ugliness .
War is n't a khaki uniform or a drill parade -- everything I 've read XXXXX old histories haunts me .
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