Rilla carried her head high among the girls whose brothers had not so responded . In her diary she wrote : `` He goes to do what I had done Had Douglas 's daughter been his son , '' and was sure she meant it . If she were a boy of course she would go , too ! She had n't the least doubt of that . She wondered if it was very dreadful of her to feel glad that Walter had n't got strong as soon as they had wished after the fever . `` I could n't bear to have Walter go , '' she wrote . `` I love Jem ever so much but Walter means more to me than anyone in the world and I would die if he had to go . He seems so changed these days . He hardly ever talks to me . I suppose he wants to go , too , and feels badly because he ca n't . He does n't go about with Jem and Jerry at all . I shall never forget Susan 's face when Jem came home in his khaki . It worked and twisted as if she were going to cry , but all she said was , ` You look almost like a man in that , Jem . ' Jem laughed . He never minds because Susan thinks him just a child still . Everybody seems busy but me . I wish there was something I could do but there does n't seem to be anything . Mother and Nan and Di are busy all the time and I just wander about like a lonely ghost . What hurts me terribly , though , is that mother 's smiles , and Nan 's , just seem put on from the outside . Mother 's eyes never laugh now .
It makes me feel that I should n't laugh either -- XXXXX it 's wicked to feel laughy .
In after as at because if of that to with