The idea of him doing that when we are at war with Turkey ? One of his own deacons has always insisted that Mr. Arnold 's theology was not sound and I am beginning to believe that there is some reason to fear it . Well , I must bestir myself this afternoon and get little Jem 's Christmas cake packed up for him . He will enjoy it , if the blessed boy is not drowned in mud before that time . '' Jem was in camp on Salisbury Plain and was writing gay , cheery letters home in spite of the mud . Walter was at Redmond and his letters to Rilla were anything but cheerful . She never opened one without a dread tugging at her heart that it would tell her he had enlisted . His unhappiness made her unhappy . She wanted to put her arm round him and comfort him , as she had done that day in Rainbow Valley . She hated everybody who was responsible for Walter 's unhappiness . `` He will go yet , '' she murmured miserably to herself one afternoon , as she sat alone in Rainbow Valley , reading a letter from him , `` he will go yet -- and if he does I just ca n't bear it . '' Walter wrote that some one had sent him an envelope containing a white feather . `` I deserved it , Rilla . I felt that I ought to put it on and wear it -- proclaiming myself to all Redmond the coward I know I am . The boys of my year are going -- going . Every day two or three of them join up . Some days I almost make up my mind to do it -- and then I see myself thrusting a bayonet through another man -- some woman 's husband or sweetheart or son -- perhaps the father of little children -- I see myself lying alone torn and mangled , burning with thirst on a cold , wet field , surrounded by dead and dying men -- and I know I never can . I ca n't face even the thought of it . How could I face the reality ? There are times when I wish I had never been born .
Life has always seemed such a beautiful thing XXXXX me -- and now it is a hideous thing .
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