I suppose it will make you despise me , but I MUST confess it . Anne , there have been times this past winter and spring when I have HATED you . '' `` I KNEW it , '' said Anne calmly . `` You KNEW it ? '' `` Yes , I saw it in your eyes . '' `` And yet you went on liking me and being my friend . '' `` Well , it was only now and then you hated me , Leslie . Between times you loved me , I think . '' `` I certainly did . But that other horrid feeling was always there , spoiling it , back in my heart . I kept it down -- sometimes I forgot it -- but sometimes it would surge up and take possession of me . I hated you because I ENVIED you -- oh , I was sick with envy of you at times . You had a dear little home -- and love -- and happiness -- and glad dreams -- everything I wanted -- and never had -- and never could have . Oh , never could have ! THAT was what stung . I would n't have envied you , if I had had any HOPE that life would ever be different for me . But I had n't -- I had n't -- and it did n't seem FAIR . It made me rebellious -- and it hurt me -- and so I hated you at times . Oh , I was so ashamed of it -- I 'm dying of shame now -- but I could n't conquer it . `` That night , when I was afraid you might n't live -- I thought I was going to be punished for my wickedness -- and I loved you so then .
XXXXX , Anne , I never had anything to love since my mother died , except Dick 's old dog -- and it 's so dreadful to have nothing to love -- life is so EMPTY -- and there 's NOTHING worse than emptiness -- and I might have loved you so much -- and that horrible thing had spoiled it -- '' Leslie was trembling and growing almost incoherent with the violence of her emotion .
Anne FAIR Leslie eyes heart night possession shame wickedness winter