He thought the trip to England happiness enough , but found room for more when , early in June , Franz and Emil paid him a flying visit , bringing all sorts of good news , kind wishes , and comfortable gifts for the lonely fellow , who could have fallen on their necks and cried like a girl at seeing his old mates again . How glad he was to be found in his little room busy at his proper work , not living like an idle gentleman on borrowed money ! How proud he was to tell his plans , assure them that he had no debts , and receive their praises for his improvement in music , their respect for his economy and steadfastness in well-doing ! How relieved when , having honestly confessed his shortcomings , they only laughed , and owned that they also had known like experiences , and were the wiser for them . He was to go to the wedding late in June , and join his comrades in London . As best man , he could not refuse the new suit Franz insisted on ordering for him ; and a cheque from home about that time made him feel like a millionaire -- and a happy one ; for this was accompanied by such kind letters full of delight in his success , he felt that he had earned it , and waited for his joyful holiday with the impatience of a boy . Dan meantime was also counting the weeks till August , when he would be free . But neither marriage-bells nor festival music awaited him ; no friends would greet him as he left the prison ; no hopeful prospect lay before him ; no happy home-going was to be his . Yet his success was far greater than Nat 's , though only God and one good man saw it . It was a hard-won battle ; but he would never have to fight so terrible a one again ; for though enemies would still assail from within and from without , he had found the little guide-book that Christian carried in his bosom , and Love , Penitence , and Prayer , the three sweet sisters , had given him the armour which would keep him safe . He had not learned to wear it yet , and chafed against it , though he felt its value , thanks to the faithful friend who had stood by him all that bitter year . Soon he was to be free again , worn and scarred in the fray , but out among men in the blessed sun and air . When he thought of it Dan felt as if he could not wait , but must burst that narrow cell and fly away , as the caddis-worms he used to watch by the brookside shed their stony coffins , to climb the ferns and soar into the sky . Night after night he lulled himself to sleep with planning how , when he had seen Mary Mason according to his promise , he would steer straight for his old friends , the Indians , and in the wilderness hide his disgrace and heal his wounds . Working to save the many would atone for the sin of killing one , he thought ; and the old free life would keep him safe from the temptations that beset him in cities . ` By and by , when I 'm all right again , and have something to tell that I 'm not ashamed of , I 'll go home , ' he said , with a quicker beat of the impetuous heart that longed to be there so intensely , he found it as hard to curb as one of his unbroken horses on the plains . ` Not yet . I must get over this first . They 'd see and smell and feel the prison taint on me , if I went now , and I could n't look them in the face and hide the truth . I ca n't lose Ted 's love , Mother Bhaer 's confidence , and the respect of the girls , for they did respect my strength , anyway ; but now they would n't touch me . '
And poor XXXXX looked with a shudder at the brown fist he clenched involuntarily as he remembered what it had done since a certain little white hand had laid in it confidingly .
Bhaer Christian Dan England caddis-worms coffins first home-going night year