I blabbed when my wits were gone ; but he was very kind all the same . I can bear their knowing ; but oh , not Ted and the girls ! ' Dan clutched her arm with such an imploring face that she hastened to assure him no one should know except the two old friends , and he calmed down as if ashamed of his sudden panic . ` It was n't murder , mind you , it was in self-defence ; he drew first , and I had to hit him . Did n't mean to kill him ; but it does n't worry me as much as it ought , I 'm afraid . I 've more than paid for it , and such a rascal is better out of the world than in it , showing boys the way to hell . Yes , I know you think that 's awful in me ; but I ca n't help it . I hate a scamp as I do a skulking coyote , and always want to get a shot at 'em . Perhaps it would have been better if he had killed me ; my life is spoilt . ' All the old prison gloom seemed to settle like a black cloud on Dan 's face as he spoke , and Mrs Jo was frightened at the glimpse it gave her of the fire through which he had passed to come out alive , but scarred for life . Hoping to turn his mind to happier things , she said cheerfully : ` No , it is n't ; you have learned to value it more and use it better for this trial . It is not a lost year , but one that may prove the most helpful of any you ever know . Try to think so , and begin again ; we will help , and have all the more confidence in you for this failure . We all do the same and struggle on . ' ' I never can be what I was . I feel about sixty , and do n't care for anything now I 've got here . Let me stay till I 'm on my legs , then I 'll clear out and never trouble you any more , ' said Dan despondently . ` You are weak and low in your mind ; that will pass , and by and by you will go to your missionary work among the Indians with all the old energy and the new patience , self-control , and knowledge you have gained . Tell me more about that good chaplain and Mary Mason and the lady whose chance word helped you so much . I want to know all about the trials of my poor boy . '
Won by her tender interest , Dan brightened up and talked on till he had poured out all the story of that bitter XXXXX , and felt better for the load he lifted off .
Indians Jo Mason Ted fire first murder scamp self-defence year