it only does this because i let it and it only takes control because i feed it and after giving in for the hundredth time today i feel as if i need it i know its just thoughts running through my head but it feels so real it feels like you and me its like a helpless disease of the mind that deteriorates and eats at my thoughts poisoning every thought and image and making them one of its own everytime i try to overcome i succumb giving in to the thoughts holding me captive the thoughts that define me in all that i am it feels surreal wondering if id be better off dead but is it real is what should be asked instead its been 15 years that ive held on to this question 15 years that its consumed me with its haunted remark all along feels that ive been shooting blanks in the dark seeking answers to questions i cant even comprehend and somedays somedays i wonder if this is it if this is all ill ever amount to if this is all that im supposed to be and at a quarter past three i sold my life of simplicity for something more and maybe you can t see it its a dark feeling that eats away at all happiness from avoiding all of your fears a feeling that tears down all those walls that youve been building up over the years those walls that made you feel safe in your head as if nothing could possibly go wrong but you always knew that they would fall all along everytime i try to make this right it loops itself again and in the end im the one to blame like having a conscience but yet feeling no shame its a delusional hold on the mind that recreates those past horrors that youve been running from once lost but not forgotten it takes years of trial and error and even then you may not reach a definite end its a disease that changes how you think changes what you think is rash and how you react and makes you seem different when you try to interact and makes it impossible to ever go back to the expression of normal or how it used to be because how it used to be has gotten so far away from me and at a quarter past three i sold my life of simplicity for something more and maybe you can t see it but the fact that you left me has made me free free to make this choice to end this dull and lifeless play that i call purpose just like those memories of you and me i swear we could lay there for hours and do nothing but talk about the past and life to come not once filled with a dull moment and now i just want to know whats running through that head of yours maybe i can overthink my way in and know exactly how you feel or if you thought for even one second that what we had was real i know ive never been the same since that time its like this contagion of the mind fears you or i finally can ignore it no matter the reasoning i just want to have control it but honestly i dont know if i can its like ive let the devil wrap himself around me ive been filled with more fear going down than i ever have in the surface i try not to be scared or nervous but i think ive just come to terms with my purpose
['ohio indie']