i told this girl about god while i was drunk in her living room we were talking about love she said yeah i see the love in you im not saying that it was right but i do think its true god uses some pretty foolish things to get inside of you we had the most sporadic passionate conversation about god about what ails you about the hallucinations that i had as a kid about the family that she always wanted but never did about the marriage that she wanted for her parents that spilt over into a broken childhood and fearful relationships she said god i cant help it she said its all that ive known she said all i want is a hand to hold onto she said and im scared of being alone and i didnt tell her its alright i didnt tell her itd be fine i didnt try to search for words or answers to questions that arent there to find i just sat with her inside the silence of the night and sparked up another cigarette and offered her a light because sometimes you dont want the input the wrong or right you just want someone to zip their lip and sit with you and sympathize i think its that thought sitting in your car in the cold sharing winter coat pockets with the hand of a person you dont know and if ever your eyes didnt lie i could look into your soul cause that sadness all comes out in the freezing truth of the snow a good friend once said its hard to live with the dead and not end up dead and especially once youve shared the same bed well mom i didnt mean to hurt you i just left but you can rest assured ive got a lot of regrets and theres something deeper seeded that im trying to protect but i have not found that yet im returning to the arms of lesser love nothing good ever happens after midnight god above she was right we packed away your past into boxes and all of the little foxes slipped through my grasp singing your heart beats so so fast on top of me awkwardly your forward behavior is shocking me and i wonder if this is meant to last but i found that dead rat in the parking lot stapled it to the wall singing he loves me he loves me not im lost but if it turns out to be a battle not won but fought then ill have left you with the scent of every hated failure you forgot welcome to albuquerque where everybodys lonely where everybody needs to feel you out before its homely but nobodys willing to put forth the effort to get to know me im learning to allow things to just happen slowly but i just want somebody here to hold me all your words run together but you know how we get in the winter once all of the leaves start falling falling off of all of the trees we strip bare like them there and if anybody cared they could see were all stripped cold down to our souls were vulnerable and lonely o if i could i would walk away from myself but ive lost all worth in the eyes of everybody else and your eyes are bluer than any ive seen and your bluer eyes have found me completely wanting hey if you fall any deeper could you fall into me well youve see the best of me the worst is yet to come help me find my body ive lost it in your hands but my worth cannot be measured in your eyes and if you magnify that death well that is your eyes and such beautifully blue eyes are so sad inside and if you magnify that sadness well that is your life well merry christmas darling i wrote to tell you that that concrete factory turns into a city of lights at night i pray earnestly in the mornings but at night my sight blurs as black as your eyes did the last time i tried to tell you i loved you and that i was happy that you were mine but i havent been kissed in so long and this night altered the very course we walk on and five years later im still singing those songs listenin to isis well it became my theme song for life because life didnt used to be like this i write to stay alive and december 25th 2005 is the day that i died pumping my lungs with fake air and good highs and absorbing you night after night smile like i believe you when you tell me im priceless but you lie i can see it in your eyes i can see what youre thinking as you pour me another shot of whiskey keep drinking but i wept red i wept red for you i gave you everything and now ive got letters marked virginia written on loose leaf sheets lengthy paragraphs from my mother written in red ink about how shes so proud of me her little bird with her big wings her clipped wings her newspaper clippings with pictures of butterflies pretty things that shes been pasting to her journals to remind her that shes not beyond saving dont be the gold ring in the pigs snout and be sure to write if you ever need us to help you out i put this journal away for so long and tried to wrap my head around those years those eggshells that i stomped on lets get something perfectly clear theres nothing left to uncover theres nothing left to bury here i write to stay alive lust without love is brutality personified whatever you were looking for at that point and time in your life was never me and you were never mine see its getting warmer back home and i know youre getting colder all alone but i cant figure out if im lonelier when youre here or when im on my own its amazing how quickly a beating heart can turn to stone and out of the mouth its overflow becomes well what overflow you know but now those years pass by as quickly as the pages i flip through and ill always deny it but every now and then i miss you no ones eyes speak to me like yours do i dont want the wrongs or rights i used to adore you now its all i can do to forgive you so september sometime two thousand and nine this girl and i we drank a little wine and talked a lot about life and she said see last july i finished this diary of mine and i planned to keep all of it locked up behind closed doors but i dont know anymore i just dont want to bear this alone anymore could i tell you whats on my mind it was a passionate conversation a sporadic conversation a dont interrupt and ill try to tell you what happened conversation a look i dont want the answers conversation it was a secret im gonna take my chances conversation and i didnt tell her not to cry i didnt tell her itd be fine i didnt search for words to remedy the pains she kept inside i just sat with her decided it was better to be quiet while she tried to fight the silhouettes i see still clinging to her heart against the light and thats alright each word lifts its burden and flies away with the smoke into the night sometimes you just want somebody to be silent that little brown book carries a lot of weight i regurgitated my heart to those pages and to me they reverberate through time and space it is what it is it is what it was words are what remain 