heres one thing you should know about me my sense of direction is irrefutable its a trait thats so innate that its absolutely indisputable i always know which way is north no matter where i go so i dont understand why i cant find my way through the fucking metropolitan museum i got an email dear deb we should meet so i can give you back your book okay another email dear deb dear deb we should meet somewhere in public so you wont think im a crook at the met museum in room twenty one theres a landscape by monet so ill see you there at half past twelve this coming saturday okay first of all who doesnt just say lets meet at starbucks the met museum is friggin immense and secondly the mets the only place in new york city where the traffic patterns dont make sense sure theyve got a map oh excuse me a plan as they call it but it isnt worth my spit youd be better off following bread crumbs through this godforsaken museum hey come on lets go weve got a whole museum to visit we should probably pick up on the pace jason we are at the met the thing that makes it special is it takes a while to wander through the place this says to skip this room shhh turn left and zoom to the suits of armor this says that x rays show an entire other portrait on the canvas below isnt that weird how it just disappeared excuse me is that a monet thats a manet monet manet aaagh he wanted to come here he loves it i know look hes running ahead like a kid in a toy store and me im here watching him go he likes the masters while i prefer wackier things so of course we wind up in separate wings i should go find him not leave him alone but i dont know lately when hes right beside me id rather be off on my own i mean maybe im crazy but really i think hell be fine if he goes his own way and i just go mine excuse me im looking for gallery twenty one i think this is gallery k k k aaaaagh so much for saturday at the met i thought id find her here in search of modern art and yet im unimpressed by klimt and dali it takes a sharper eye to paint things like theyre supposed to be give me a portrait where a face is a face dont give me theories about negative space why would i care about what isnt there except where what isnt there is claire i wish shed look at this painting look at this painting describe what she sees how it swallows you up like a storm is she moved by that column those orangey yellows or maybe those trees still keeping you warm would she tell me she hates it how everything shimmers red or say something more and carries you away would it change our perspective from the moment before why did we come here ill never know its like the colors in this painting might get lost if he came in to say hello hello hello ready to go oh ready lets go that stupid email dear deb i dont think im gonna ever find my book ive been wandering around for an hour or well twenty minutes and i think this was a trick ive been duped into spending my afternoon in this awful crowded stupid ugly horrible museum you must be deb 