good mornin we stand before the journey that leads us all to oregon a pioneer adventure down the trail to oregon to oregon grandpa what my legs hurt by god s command we dare to land in wisconsin we re going to oregon grandpa well i want to go to wisconsin the promised land will not wait for us we leave our home with faith and trust we ll find the place of our destiny and spread our family seed we ll find the place of our destiny and spread our family seed now the show begins aauuhhmm now our journey begins in the 1800s in a little city in missouri before we start you decide on the names of all the people in our wagon party you must decide who these pioneers are are they carpenters or bankers or leavin their farm it s time to spin a personal yarn carefully choose each name cause this is more than a game it s more than a game oh yeah it s more than a game no two shows will ever be the same my first pioneer will be president polk i know he d be a good leader of the wagon good job now dear that s what we re goin for you d be extra careful not to kill him i think i would use my mom and dad s names of course so i ll make sure they ll never get divorced that might be too much information but hey it s great to have a personal connection i would make my family rich they d be bankers from new york good richie johnny emily and peter and sue their bank fell down and now they re poor that s great kids keep up the good work hey grandpa what would your names be oh well let me tell ya dick suck dickface hairytit and dr buttnugget grandpa the hell is that supposed to mean what they re names hairytit grandpa you re seeing a bad example for our pioneers here you re going to make them think it s a good idea to name their wagon party stupid things well they should we are gone to oregon it s the greatest family vacation it ll bring us together couldn t think of nothin better hey time for some family fun on the trail to oreg un okay pioneers what do you say what would you like to name me your wagon leader jack bauer jack bauer i like the sound of that i m jack bauer a farmer from illinois all my skills will be useless on the trail my beautiful family is counting on me a lot of pressure i can t afford to fail alright pioneers now what would you like to name your wagon mother slippery when wet oh that is slippery when wet that is super sexy yeah i m slippery when wet and i m a mother of two could ve been a banker guess a farmer will do why did you get to choose well honey i don t know if you know this but uh i wrote the show that s just how this one goes yeah but we re not going to get very far as a bunch of fucking farmers alright honey well no wagon party is complete without a litter of youngins the eldest of which is slippery when wet and jack bauer s teenage daughter what would you like to name her mouthface mouthface i ll take it and what about our all american son with a face of an apple pie craphole craphole that sounds nice yeah craphole yeah that s me i m seven and i m male mouthface is what my friends call me i m lookin for love on the trail ew gross i hope you re bit by a snake i hope you break your back hey i found wild fruit pay attention dad we gonna stop at the forts i forgot to shave did we bring enough food can i write on grandpa s grave everyone just behave because it s only a game it s only a game i guess it s only a game the trail to oregon is nothing but a game we ll be there soon in oreg oon honestly it beats milking cow tits we could be in the kitchen doing something with a chicken but we couldn t give less of a crap cause we re making it to oreg ap alright pioneers let s get a move on hey wait a minute you shicken kit son of a bitch you forgot my name how could i forget what would you like to name our lovely grandpa titty mitty titty mitty i like that name of course you do it s time to run to oreg un it s too late to change the show now you could go next door and see something professional we wouldn t blame you a bit if you re sitting through this ore shit we re broadway bound in oreg ound cause there s no broadway in chicago who will forget their name and who will get the youtube fame these are questions to ask when you re playing oreg ask it s more than a game life is really great on the trail to oreg ate