sometimes i wish i woulda drowned right there in that bathtub where my real mom abandoned me the only reason i havent killed myself already is cause im afraid it was the first time i heard someone express a desire to commit suicide and i actually believed them this was no flippant threat more than melodramatic selfishness he was stoned faced serious and fearful not afraid of dying afraid it might not work like the last time he tried when he was a boy youthful and full of life he found his uncles long neck shotgun but the distance from the trigger to the mouth of the barrel was greater than the fourteen years of arm stretched from his temple to his fingertips so he stood the gun up for a last dance held her tight against his chest and pulled the trigger with his toe but blew a hole through the roof instead of his head when that happened i got scared i coulda shot half my face off that would suck to live with half a face you know i didnt know i didnt know what to do or say but i figured the worst thing i could do is say too much so i spoke slowly choosing my wordsnot wisely but at least precisely and i even thought about calling a hotline or something but this was my friend why would i put his life in the hands of a stranger but what makes me think that i can save him but i gotta try to save him and suddenly i find myself speaking as quickly as my heart is beating and i dont even know what im saying but its something along the lines of i love you in the manliest way possible but if i wanted to kill myself knowing my homie loved me wouldnt be enough incentive to stay alive so i reminded him that god loved him too hoping the affection of his almighty creator might hold more significance than mine and hed been through some hard times and i wasnt trying to minimize his pain but he needed to know that he isnt the only one so i said bro dont give up my life sucks too and i love it and i suck too and im awesome and fifteen minutes later my mouth is still moving and im praying god would strike me mute cause i tried to shut up but my tongue wont let me and apparently i had a whole lot to say for someone who didnt know what to say and i dont even know if im trying to save him or myself because if he puts a bullet through his head anytime soon i will feel completely responsible and his blood cannot be on my hands you cannot kill yourself friend please im so glad youre alive