act one the episode opens with the krusty the klown show and krusty is covered in cream pies krusty i hope you enjoyed my one man pie fight kids now it s time for another fanschmabulous episode of itchy and scratchy the episode is titled why do fools fall in lava itchy makes scratchy bungee jump into a volcano using his intestine scratchy dangles just above the lava and itchy pours gasoline into him until scratchy goes up in flames the simpsons tv is turned on displaying this episode but with no one watching marge walks through the living room and notices marge kids kids you re missing the itchy scratchy show don t you like it anymore lisa sure we love it but how can we watch tv when it s so beautiful out bart well yeah mom i mean we love you and dad too but god knows we don t need to see you every day marge an occasional hug is all i ask bart mom you can hug me when i m asleep marge i do bart ahhh at krustylu studios roger meyers jr comes to krusty s office meyers hey krusty you look great you get your teeth bleached krusty yeah it s a new kind of polymer treatment hey shut up you re here cause your itchy scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings look at this breakdown of yesterday s show eh eh eh kaboom meyers what happened here lightning hit the transmitter krusty see that s what i thought at first but then hey shut up that crater is where you lousy cartoon crash landed it s ratings poison meyers but itchy scratchy is critically acclaimed krusty acclaimed i oughta replace it right now with that chinese cartoon where the robots that turn into blingwads but i m a lazy lazy man roger so i ll give you one more chance get out don t come back til you fixed itchy scratchy meyers walks out slamming krusty s office door so hard that it comes of the hinges and falls to the floor sideshow mel can be seen outside secretary okay mel you can go in now sideshow mel enters holding a tin can sideshow mel krusty i ve come to solicit donations for the rock n roll museum and uh i ll come back later at springfield mall marge is shopping with the kids marge i need to purchase a brassiere you kids wait over here in the credit department bart oh can t we just wander around and meet you back here later marge mmm okay just be careful bart and lisa run off they run into a creepy looking guy man would you kids like to come with me bart sounds good to me let s go lisa okay guess so bart lisa participate in a focus group along with several other kids including milhouse nelson and ralph man alright thanks for participating in our focus group kids today we re going to show you some itchy scratchy cartoons the kids cheer in delight nelson cool man we want you to tell us what you think and be honest because no one from the show is here spying on you a sneezing sound comes from a large mirror on the wall lisa why is that mirror sneezing man ah look it s just an old creaky mirror y know sometimes it sounds a little like it s sneezing or coughing or talking softly lisa hmm the man gives a thumbs up to the mirror man now you each have a knob in front of you when you like what you see turn the knob to the right when you don t like what you see turn it left ralph my knob tastes funny man please refrain from tasting the knob first up itchy scratchy play pool itchy knocks out scratchy s eyeballs with a cue ball and scratchy replaces them with two pool balls the kids laugh turn their knobs to the right the next cartoon is set on an island while itchy scratchy sunbathe a muscle bound man in bikini trunks flexes in front of the camera nelson turns milhouse s knob repeatedly to the right milhouse hey quit it from behind the mirror meyers and two other people watch on a monitor meyers they like itchy they like scratchy one kid seems to love the speedo man what more do they want back with the focus group man okay how many of you kids would like itchy scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day and who would like to see them do just the opposite getting into far out situations involving robots and magic powers so you want a realistic down to earth show that s completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots nelson yeah good milhouse and also you should win things by watching the man sighs the light is turned on in the observation booth and meyers appears at the mirror meyers you kids don t know what you want that s why you re still kids cause you re stupid just tell me what s wrong with the freakin show he turns the lights out ralph starts crying and turns his knob to the left ralph mommy lisa um excuse me sir the thing is there s not really anything wrong with the itchy scratchy show it s as good as ever but after so many years the characters just can t have the same impact they once had meyers turns the light back on meyers that s it that s it little girl you ve saved itchy scratchy a lawyer enters the room holding papers lawyer please sign these papers indicating that you did not save itchy scratchy at itchy scratchy intl meyers has called a meeting of the writers along with krusty and a female network executive meyers i have figured out how to rejuvenate the show it s so simple you egghead writers would ve never thought of it what we need is a new character one that today s kids can relate to the writers look at each other uncertain oakley are you absolutely sure that s wise sir i mean i don t want to sound pretentious here but itchy and scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad krusty hey this ain t art it s business whaddya got in mind sexy broad gangster octopus meyers no no the animal chain of command goes mouse cat dog d o g weinstein uh a dog isn t that a tad predictable executive in your dreams we re talking the original dog from hell oakley you mean cerberus executive we at the network want a dog with attitude he s edgy he s in your face you ve heard the expression let s get busy well this is a dog who gets biz zay consistently and thoroughly krusty so he s proactive huh executive oh god yes we re talking about a totally outrageous paradigm meyer excuse me but proactive and paradigm aren t these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important not that i m accusing you of anything like that i m fired aren t i meyers oh yes meyers the rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog i dunno something along the line of say poochie only more proactive krusty yeah meyers krusty and the network executive leave oakley so poochie okay with everybody writers yeah an animator who looks like david silverman draws a sketch of a dog meyers no no no he was supposed to have attitude silverman um wh what do you mean exactly meyers oh you know attitude attitude uh sunglasses executive can we put him in more of a hip hop context krusty forget context he s gotta be a surfer give me a nice shmear of surfer executive i feel we should rastafy him by ten percent or so silverman redraws poochie they re still not totally satisfied meyers hmm i think he needs a little more attitude silverman blackens in poochie s sunglasses executive oh yeah bingo there it is right there krusty yeah that s it meyers i love it the next morning the simpsons eat breakfast bart notices the headline in the newspaper homer is reading funny dog to make life worthwhile bart hey lis look they re adding a new character to itchy scratchy poochie the dog lisa adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings a guy enters the kitchen roy yo yo how s it hangin everybody marge morning roy homer yeah hi roy hey there having open casting for the voice of poochie lisa you should try out dad you have a funny voice homer i do not bart haven t you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder homer i prefer to listen to cheap trick bart well here say something homer hey this is homer simpson saying howdy to all the girls out there in radio land ah i don t sound like that do i oh i don t like having such a hilarious voice bart that hilarious voice could be your ticket to stardom at the auditions first up is otto otto whoa a talking dog what were you guys smokin when you came up with that cohen we were eating rotisserie chicken can you just read the line please otto ruff ruff i m poochie the rockin dog meyers you re perfect in fact you re better than perfect next to you perfection is crap troy mcclure is up next mcclure ruff ruff i m poochie the rocking dog hi i m troy mcclure you may remember me from such cartoons as christmas ape and christmas ape goes to summer camp meyers you re even better than this guy take a hike you bum otto moans and walks off next it s homer homer ruff ruff i m poochie the rockin dog meyers now that s just bad you ve got no attitude you re barely outrageous and i don t know what you re in but it s not my face next homer oh no attitude eh not in your face huh well you can cram it with walnuts ugly meyers that s it that s the poochie attitude do that again homer huh i can t i don t remember what i did meyers then you don t get the job next homer oh i don t get the job do i well boo hoo i don t get to be a cartoon dog meyers that s it you ve got the job homer oh now i ve got the job huh oh thank you act two homer attends the recording session at itchy scratchy studios sound guy okay homer let s get a level check on your voice homer she smells sheep smells by the sheet shtore wait wait let me try it again bellamy relax homer you ll do fine i m june bellamy i do the voices of itchy and scratchy homer you but you re a lady bellamy she s a lady alright a beauuuuuutiful lady homer hey it really is you how d you get to be so good bellamy oh just experience i suppose i started out as roadrunner meep homer you mean meep meep bellamy no they only paid me to say it once then they doubled it up on the soundtrack cheap bastards meyers you folks ready to begin homer uh i guess is this episode going on the air live bellamy no homer very few cartoons are broadcast live it s a terrible strain on the animators wrists poochie hype grips springfield homer and june make an appearance at the android s dungeon which is full of nerds doug hi question for ms bellamy in episode 2f09 when itchy plays scratchy s skeleton like a xylophone he strikes the same rib twice in succession yet he produces two clearly different tones i mean what are we to believe that this is some sort of a magic xylophone or something boy i really hope somebody got fired for that blunder bellamy uh well uh homer i ll field that one let me ask you a question why would a man whose shirt says genius at work spend all of his time watching a children s cartoon show doug i withdraw my question database ah excuse me mr simpson on the itchy scratchy cd rom is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key homer what the hell are you talking about bellamy you re a lifesaver homer i can t deal with these hardcore fans comic book guy your attention please fan uh in episode comic book guy your attention please mr simpson will now be autographing eight by ten glossies of poochie one per customer please form a line there will be no cutting i m talking to you mr cutter a few minutes later cbg cuts through the crowd comic book guy pardon me look out pardon me excuse me hot soup hi kindly make one out to me and three out to my friend of the same name the first episode with poochie is about to air the simpsons friends and family gather in their living room marge i m so glad you could join us for homer s big premiere barney you know poochie s based on me jasper is this seat taken little girl bart i m not a girl are you blind jasper yes roy i am stoked mr s marge shh everybody it s coming on krusty appears on screen lit by a dim spotlight slides appear behind him krusty once in a great while we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary it becomes part of our shared heritage 1969 man walks on the moon 1971 man walks on the moon again then for a long time nothing happened until tonight behold the future of comedy poochie the audience cheer and the cartoon starts with altered theme music poochie s voice theme they fight and bite and bark they fight they fight and bite and bark fight fight fight woof woof woof the itchy and scratchy and poochie show the episode is titled the beagle has landed itchy scratchy are driving together they pass signs reading fireworks factory 2 miles fireworks factory 1 mile then fireworks factory mile they then spot poochie at the side of the road itchy look scratchy it s our new friend poochie scratchy what s that name again i forgot poochie the name s poochie d and i rock the telly i m half joe camel and a third fonzarelli i m the kung fu hippie from gangsta city i m a rappin surfer you the fool i pity scratchy ooh poochie is one outrageous dude itchy he s totally in my face poochie wiggity wiggity word up rock on party milhouse when are they going to get to the fireworks factory moe can somebody tell me what the hell is going on midge help me out here homer quiet you re missing the jokes poochie dribbles a basketball while riding a bike slam dunks it and lands in itchy scratchy s car poochie catch you on the flip side dudemeisters not hey kids always recycle to the extreme bust it poochie drives off in itchy scratchy s car an awkward silence follows in the simpsons living room nelson ah that stunk homer so what did everybody think nobody answers and they start leaving ned homer i can honestly say that was the best episode of impy chimpy i ve ever seen carl yeah you should be very proud homer you uh got a beautiful home here nelson punches bart on his way out homer so it was pretty okay huh bart mom can we go to bed without dinner marge yes we can homer well at least i liked it didn t i brain oh you don t want to know what i really think now look sad and say d oh homer d oh act three the next morning at breakfast homer i m the worst poochie ever lisa ah it s not your fault dad you did fine it s just that poochie was a soulless by product of committee thinking you can t be cool just by spouting off a bunch of worn out buzzwords bart don t have a cow lis marge bart s right let s none of us have a cow all that matters is that the fans of the show liked it in the android s dungeon comic book guy last night s itchy scratchy was without a doubt the worst episode ever rest assured that i was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world bart hey i know it wasn t great but what right do you have to complain comic book guy as a loyal viewer i feel they owe me bart what they re giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for free what could they possibly owe you i mean if anything you owe them comic book guy worst episode ever kent brockman delivers the news kent brockman it looks like the end of the venerable itchy and scratchy program for years tv critics such as yours truly kent brockman have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show s hilarious facade yesterday our prays were finally answered when poochie the dog made his howlingly unfunny debut far be it from me to gloat at another s downfall but i have a feeling that no children are gonna be crying when this puppy is put to sleep krusty and the writers are watching the report krusty what the hell happened executive well i d attribute the product failure to fundamental shifts in our key demographic coupled with the overall crumminess of poochie krusty you ve got to stop this thing please i m getting egged on the street do something do something homer enters homer uh hi mr meyers i ve been doing some thinking and i ve got some ideas to improve the show i got it right here one poochie needs to be louder angrier and have access to a time machine two whenever poochie s not onscreen all the other characters should be asking where s poochie three meyers great great just leave them right there on the floor on your way out homer does so but realizes something s wrong he eavesdrops on the meeting from a closet next door meyers listen guys we ve got to do something about poochie krusty there s only one thing we can do homer hears something and is shocked at dinner homer tells his family what he heard homer then they said they were going to kill poochie off bart really oh how terrible lisa yes terrible marge it s not your fault homer it s those lousy writers they make me madder than a um yak in heat homer you re right marge it s not my fault i won t let them treat poochie like dirt anymore just because he s the new guy roy right on mr s homer put a sock in it roy at the recording studio meyers okay so here is where itchy lunges at poochie with a rusty chainsaw cue sound effects rustier bellamy are you prepared to die poochie homer no i am not meyers oh cut cut cut cut you ll stick to the script as its written homer you re supposed to say please cut off my head i don t deserve to live homer never you can t just kill of a classic tv character poochie could be bigger than curly fries but first he has to win back the audience that s why i m going to read these lines i wrote myself with my own two hands meyers forget it homer we can do this show without you if we have to bellamy but not without me meyers oh jeez bellamy let him try the new lines meyers alright alright we ll try them action bellamy hi poochie you look like you ve got something to say do you homer yes i certainly do hello there itchy i know there s a lot of people who don t like me and wish i would go away i think we got off on the wrong foot i know i can come off a little proactive and for that i m sorry but if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog that nobody wanted i know we can make them laugh and cry until we grow old together meyers and cut june claps then slowly everyone else begins to clap back at home the new episode is about to air homer now kids i know you loved the old poochie but the new one is going to be better than ten super bowls i don t want to oversell it judge for yourself at an ice sculpture contest itchy begins cutting into scratchy with a chainsaw suddenly poochie wanders by scratchy hey looks who s here itchy hi poochie you look like you ve got something to say do you poochie yes i certainly do i have to go now my planet needs me the whole cel with poochie on it is moved upwards a screen shows some handwritten text note poochie died on the way back to his home planet bart wow poochie came from another planet lisa uh i guess homer hey that wasn t supposed to happen those finks double crossed me krusty poochie s dead well kids we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die they re back again the very next week that s why i m presenting this sworn affidavit that poochie will never ever ever return lawyer this document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes bart lisa yeah oh bart tough break dad i guess people just weren t ready for poochie maybe in a few years roy good news everybody i m moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies marge oh then i guess this is goodbye roy maybe we ll see you in a few years homer well i guess i learned my lesson the thing is i lost creative control of the project and i forgot to ask for any money well live learn later bart lisa watch an itchy scratchy episode back in its original form itchy scratchy are doing a william tell act itchy shoots a bow and arrow at scratchy and it hits the apple on scratchy s head he is relieved but then realizes that the arrow pierced a tank of carbolic acid which leaks out and dissolves scratchy s flesh bart lisa laugh bart it s back to the basics classic itchy scratchy lisa we should thank our lucky stars that they re still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years they both stare blankly for a few seconds bart what else is on lisa changes the channel screen goes to static and the credits roll 8