i begin every sentence with an apology sorry that s the case that s just british policy probably the case with everything in honesty i use ten words when two would do honestly i m british and that makes me unique at least i think so when i hear you speak see we used to have an empire but we got a little cocky like haha johnny foreigner i d like to see you stop me and sure enough we rhubarb crumbled now in every town all the drunk teens stumble i m rather glad really it made us more humble come and ask me where i m from dear boy i won t mumble i m british i don t want to be fantastic just adequate and if i m nice it s probably sarcastic ridiculously cynical that s what we re like if you can t take a joke get on your bike i m british like a clotted cream tea apologetic morris dancer then you must be me i m british like the wickets in cricket like crikey blimey nice one wicked i m british as a fat dame in a panto like wodehouse orwell wells and poe so if you re down with the brits then make some noise but if you d rather not that s fine we re ever so nice to our pets and we know not to work too hard we re inventive accepting eccentric and yes i suppose we re a bit bizarre but if you delight in celebrities taken down just because of the way they live or you can feel bleak joy in a seaside town as the rain pours down on your chips or you can drink ten pints of adnams without ever breaking your stride or repress your emotions and passions and bury them deep inside then i ve kept a room in a cramped b b with a tv that only shows bbc2 and i have the keys right here i ve been keeping them just for you i m british as williams james hattie jacques school dinners roast dinners massive cakes i m british as a chimney sweep or a professor in a pith accompanied by chimpanzees so if you re down with the brits then put your hands in the air but if you d rather not that s fine actually i mean i don t want to cause too much of a fuss well at this point i d just like to take a moment to apologise on behalf of britain for all the things that we ve brought to the world simon cowell for example and eh jim davidson fox hunting black pudding racism but most of all we re all terribly terribly sorry about piers morgan1