the other day i saw this teddy bear with a smile do you still call me teddy bear from up there cause i can still see you smiling god i would love to see that smile and god i am a little bit jealous of you because i know you get to i try to pray every day for her family but sometimes i forget to my little sister still cries so much sometimes when she thinks about how much she misses you and i m a little bit jealous of that too you know cause i try so hard to lose all control and become as emotionally unstable as possible so that i can feel like i m feeling release i remember the day i deleted your name from my phone it was hard and i tried so hard not to cry but i kept on accidentally calling you too many times after you died cause i missed you and in some unbelieving corner of my mind i thought that you might be home and i cannot believe that this is happening you know it s things like this that make me doubt god but i know that you never did when i whispered him to you my god what am i supposed to do i don t think you doubted him for a moment and if only we all had that faith but i know so many of your friends that went straight to the bottle to take the pain away and as i take another swallow we are all collectively the same i ve got to keep myself inside this drunken state to make sure i remember your name when all other feeling floats away the one thing that s haunting the one thing that s haunting me are your daddy s eyes do you remember standing outside of your sister s apartment it was cold and it was nighttime and it was raining pretty hard the perfect cliche for a first kiss in the dark flash back to me standing outside of your hospital door your daddy grabbed me by the shoulder said son she loved you and she missed you so much more than you know and there s no going back now are you sure that you want this to be the last memory that you have of her the one thing that s haunting the one thing that s haunting is your daddy s smile and the way that i still saw the pain in his eyes when i cried on his shoulder the same way that you used to cry on mine said i may not be strong enough to let you go but i m sure not so weak as to let you go without saying goodbye is this really goodbye the one thing that s encouraging the one thing that still gives me strength are your daddy s eyes and the way that he maintained composure while the rest of us broke down and cried how do you do that he said always remember her life so i will write my cheesy songs that you said you always liked and i will live to radiate the life that poured out from your insides and i will try to smile the way you smiled you beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful child and if ever i forget i know that you loved me all the while i saw a teddy bear the other day and it reminded me of you o the end is heaven and i know you are safe and i can t wait to get to see you 