oh give me a break i couldn t be more excited i must say i couldn t sleep awake last night it was making me mental and i can t believe that i ed grimley was asked to perform for the amazing suncoast middle school annual pta pancake supper like i suppose you could do better than that no way it s almost insane as the time i got to meet pat sajak who s a pretty decent guy i must say oh you know what i m thinking like today shouldn t be about pat sajak no way but then again maybe it should it s difficult to say no today is about today is about today today today is about dazzle camouflage i am knocking them dead you made shane festler laugh so hard gatorade came out his nose my dad has helped me get my script together and my mum helped get my hair stuck up into a point my costume is perfect a college shirt buttoned to the top with just a hint of moose knuckle amazement he enjoys camel toe for boys i m a very gentle sensitive kid while my brother is playing baseball i spend hours lying on the living room floor reading the encyclopaedia britannica or tenderly pressing my lips to the screen of the tv console when captain james t kirk is on the other side of the glass one morning my mother flies on the bedroom and demands why are there lips marks all over the tv set for reasons that i cannot fully explain something inside me says don t tell her one day i m leafing through the encyclopaedia trying to find a picture of michelangelo s david when i stumble across a passage about in world war one the military used to paint battleships with wild eye catching patterns this dazzled camouflage confused the enemy s rangefinders so huge boats could hide in plain sight and bomber planes would just pass them by a light bulb goes off if i could dazzle everyone around me i could hide in plain sight then maybe i would hear shane festler say dude you re funny instead of dude you re a faggot so i tuck away quiet me sensitive me and i become dazzle me and i have a million different cards in my razzle dazzle deck look at me i teach drivers ed this field trip sucks yep i have girlfriends from second grade all the way through my junior year of college you wanna come over after school we can watch mtv the hours i spend holding hands with girls is equaled only by the hours i spend in my bedroom making my superhero action figures go at it batman do you love me i do green lantern batman you said you loved me aquaman i did not see you standing there have you been working out i am so good at dazzle camouflage i m like a one man ed sullivan show do kermit the frog hi ho it s the muppet show with a very special guest miss joan ark do homer simpson marge ate lisa s lunchbox pee wee herman cherry s not feelin so good today madeleine khan normally darling i would not ask this but while you re down there would you mind terribly tying my shoe oh dude are you being a girl what about ed grimley ed grimley ed grimley ed grimley oh i must say i must say like today should be about pat sajak no way but then again maybe it should it s difficult to say no today is about the suncoast middle school annual pta pancake supper after the pancake supper i am riding home in the car with my parents they are so proud and happy we get home i peel of my sweaty makeshift costume take a shower go into my room and lock the door i am so tired tired from constantly scanning to see if anyone will ever be able to put together the truth than shane festler is right keeping a secret is a full time job and i am exhausted i put out my tattered speedo catalogue from in between my mattress and the bed frame one day i will be in the arms of a real speedo man i close my eyes i am so tired