get excited everyone because here we are the place where our great trail begins where s that dad you re in independence welcome to the city so pleasing that everyone s leaving fuck it go west watch your backs the city is bustlin with all kinds of hustlin and grit go west for independence here are just a few things you should know stay on the trail or you might get lost don t pay the toll not worth the cost marry rich so ya don t die poor a bankers best but ya might die bored and independent take a gander kids independence missouri hi i ve got dysentery you will too unless you stop to rest frequently my wife and kids all died but if i pull through i ll travel at a steady pace from now on what s dysentery dad nothing we ll ever have to worry about son  don t push your ox too hard drive it too fast and you ll end up at the lame footed animals then you ll have to kill them i don t ever wanna kill an animal dad you won t have to son did you know that the first stop on the trail fort kearney was built by the u s army to protect those bound for oregon i did know that ah thanks for the advice and facts see kids not only is the trail to oregon fun it s also fun and edu ma cational there s lots to learn which kid is your favorite not all of them make it of course sinkholes a nine month dirge every marriage is tested thank god they invented divorce trending in independence here s a piece of free advice for you before you go the general store has all you need and plenty more for your i n d e pendence hi welcome to the general store i can fix you up with what you need food clothes we even got a sale on wagon tongues whatever the hell those are actually sir we re doing this trip on a budget you know what i like you so let me tell you what i m gonna do i m gonna give you one wagon for the price of two not a penny less and for an extra fifty bucks i m gonna throw in an ox for free a free ox oh boy we re all friends there s no war a brewing no one s abusing their rights to own an ox like me you ll need a full yolk their love and care is no joke it s a job of your love independent i pride myself on being a very good ox owner our love is perfectly normal moo here are just a few rules to live by for your independence don t say sorry to your indian guide they re not prepared for genocide you might die of cholera and you might die of pain but that s okay cause you ll probably get laid by your mom and dad and little kids too cause you all have to share the same bedroom use your kids as tourniquets cause they won t help when you re bit by a bear or a snake mother nature s really great when you re out there on the oregon trail feels like you are going to fail but don t give up too soon the world is your saloon um mom i don t mean to be a buzz kill but do you ever get the idea that maybe this trip isn t gonna be as fun or edu ma cational as dad says like maybe you might die or grandpa or dad well if grandpa dies that s just god s will trust me kids there s a place for us in a house out west it s oregon or bust to save the family crest that s the promise of the valley leave all this behind lord have mercy on my soul as i try to lead the blind chin up kids your family s united i guess i m excited oh i m so excited i pooped myself let s go where the gold rush is soaring let s go exploring our independence be prepared to take your life with an arrow or a hunting knife stop and see fort laramie there s nothin to see but you ll have to pee do you understand cause you look confused take a look at scenic mountain views stay away from old man bridger when he s drunk he ll take your liver life is not a petting zoo or you ll get ripped in two by a bear or a snake mother nature s really great staying alive can be lots of fun be sure you have a loaded gun something will go wrong the list is far too long declare your independence declare your independence declare your independence declare your i n d e p e n d ence diphtheria leukemia onomatopoeia all the same cause it gives you diarrhea runaway thieves are on the lamb leave them up to uncle sam don t stress take a breath it might just be your last friends don t let friends ford the river take a ferry for your i n d e pendence time to hit the road 