part i a new world now here s a little story i gotta tell about a big bad country you know so well it started way back in history around thirteen thousand asian people walked through the bering strait and migrated down here cause the land was great a viking named leif erikson came to but he was like man this place sucks fuck you in 1492 there was christopher columbus and he say yo dawg there s a new world that needs discovered he went and tried to find a land called japan so he got a few ships from his man ferdinand there was the nina the pinta the santa maria the tanya the donna the anna the tina the kristi the bridget the mandy the tesha i m just lyin about columbus like your teacher columbus is sailing and landed up in the bahamas of beautiful islands he was greeted by the arawak indians it was so friendly it s bad so we started a war with them stole all their spices and gold and their gucci columbus ain t never step foot in the usa it s named after amerigo vespucci vespucci vespucci vespucci italian explorer a liar so douchey he said he discovered america so columbus was left off bad and boujee and just like that a meri ca was born built on a foundation of lies and war  in the 1500s the conquistadors from spain came with ponce de len lookin for the fountain of youth mayne they had some bibles mayne they had some swords mayne they tried to convert all the natives into christia ins they found a place called florida where lots of drugs crime and butt naked stage performers bruh the beach is beautiful the sun looks bright this is the home of the worldstar hood fight by now all the natives knew the spainards were just villains in the 1600s guess who showed up the pilgrims holdin onto bibles all the goddamn indians were like uh not this shit again the pilgrims was like nah man we diff erent but we ran out of food we fuckin hungry need food pronto we heard all you natives ball like lavar and lonzo met the homie squanto taught em how to farm real good y all now every year we have a feast where we eat food and watch football ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha in 1620 the pilgrims farmed tobacco to get money they just wanted to be fly have the baddest bitch so they created the plymouth rock establishment up north some dutch people from holland bought manhattan from the natives for twenty four dollars that s a true story they called it new amsterdam english people took it from them and said nah bitch this is called new york now 1682 king charles ii owed money to william penn but he said uh i can t find my checkbook eh uh i don t have a pen but wait maybe i could give you a state and william penn said really thank ya and king charles ii said uh sure here you can have pennsylvania william penn was a little gangsta he was a breadwinner he was so real he moved to pennsylvania with his quaker friends and they created oatmeal and chocolate and cheez whiz and the philadelphia eagles and the rocky movies and meek mill and beanie siegel and some other shit skip ahead to 1754 let s talk about the french and indian war young kid named george washington age 22 was still a soundcloud rapper hoping he can break through he took troops and attacked the french and now the british army ran the whole east coast bitch in 1850 louis vuitton had everyone pretty at the beauty salon what kim this video s about who america my bad y all i m doin it wrong it passed 1773 dawg the king of england raised taxes on our tea dawg man they sound like he sean c carter so we threw a bunch of tea off the boston harbor england wanna raise our taxes haaah they wanna kill our economy why you tryna fuck with us dawg all we tryna do is build a fuckin colony fuck the king of england dawg that shit is final he releases new albums dawg that you can only listen to on tidal let s start a revolution i m sick of payin taxes i run up on the british army now and spray my gat clip and you can tell the king of england that a maniac is on the loose and i m so fuckin crazy imma make him backflip my name is george washington i got two glocks and imma bust a few shots at you like you was 2pac and you ll be layin dead up on the rooftop naked in nothin but tube socks suckin a red white and blue cock and the colonists won the revolution america got retribution to beat the british and take the land let s all pray to jesus take my hand we signed the declaration of independence on july 2nd 1776 sayin that we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal except women poor native american and black people part ii titties beer metallica we finally got our own country but we needed a goverment so two of the greatest americans ever debated what that government should be incomprehensible gibberish you got slaves in atlanta tommy boy why did you stand up see my name s alexander hamilton i got the answer your family a panda black on white cause you fucked sally and you say you want small goverment but you sound like a bitch at political rallies you got slaves in atlanta jefferson why did you stand up you don t teach them grammar you just give them shovels and hammers family a panda black on white cause you fucked sally and you say that i m dumb cause i want a big goverment man how the fuck could you doubt me mmmm into the 1800s were french on a lot of american land and so we said we wanted and the louisiana purchase and natives or something that you heard of until the white man brought the murda mo murda mo murda mo murrdaa lewis and clark went on an expedition left st louis on search on the fuckin pacific then there was the war of 18 12 and nothing changed til the place was hell and you can tell that when andrew jack went and signed the indian removal act we kicked the indians out they home and they missed their uncle child y all jadakiss went to war with mexico standoff at the alamo we took texas yo the california gold rush is where jada be unfortunately americans still use slavery why the fuck does slavery exist what we thinkin i m the new president my name is abe lincoln southern states want some slaves we can t give them more we will have to take them fuckin to the civil war now hey robert e lee how ya doin heard you came to gettysburg for the weekend lookin for a civil war to get into gonna send the union army down to kill you hooyoo the union army is partyin and dancin all in the club we won the civil war cause we got too much money and guns and now we poppin bottles cause we about to free the slaves kneel down but baby lemme pee in your face abe lincoln had some enemies he was at the theater sippin hennessey john wilkes booth stuck him and afterwards america entered reconstruction we gave black people the right to vote then we took it away five minutes later with jim crow feel me i fought for your freedom but i don t think that we should share the same fountain for drinkin i don t have a reason part iii more fucked up shit happens america needed a railroad so we built one and when i said we i mean we made chinese and irish people build one 1869 the transatlantic railroad had the whole country travel for the band oh susan b anthony said listen man 1920 women got the right to vote the economy was buildin in the roaring 20 s we was out at the strip club pouring money lots of fake capitalists and we ain t learn a lesson cause we woke up in the 30 s with the great depression i see you think you motherfuckers listen fdr came in and ended prohibition before that you think that the man he brought the new deal to save the us the motherfucking north here is mostly poop but like the government programs enough of that soup 1939 nazis invaded poland adolf hitler had a stick up in his colon the japanese acting like an angry baby mama and in 1941 they invaded pearl harbor like wooo they started playa hatin on the jews america sent troops to world war 2 like fuck your little three way normandy on d day hitler drank some cyanide like peace y all be safe and we told japan issa nuke part iv the empire strikes back wooo that was a close one germany almost took over the world luckily they didn t in response we decided to try to take over the world so did russia in the 50 s too superpowers took charge one was the usa the other the uss r communism versus capitalism it set the stage for the cold war joseph stalin was a bold whore november 22nd 1963 young based god shot john f kennedy layin in the car dead with jacqueline onassis oh my god based god look how big her ass is a guy named martin luther king said wait if you could stop racism that d be great so they went and shot him like blang da dang de dang the vietnam war happened swag gang gang gang 1970s proof we still full of shit president richard nixon said i m not a crook and quit then emerged was bellbottoms pot smokin and rolled in em and finally men learned that they couldn t control women there were war people and anti war people and anti anti war people that went to war with anti war people and more steeples were built silent majority hated all the non whites and watched the violence on walter cronkite killer cam wearin pink in my mercedes light a blunt let s talk about the 1980 s we got reagonomics they came from ronald reagan he said that taxes were sky high like carl sagan so we cut him it set all the poor people back then in the 90s we went and started the war in iraq but nevermind slavery or genocide the worst thing in american history was a blowjob and then the internet s invented and we can finally hate each other with our names hidden and then we get attacked they crash planes into our buildings so we invade an unrelated country and we kill them and then a bunch of bankers almost ruined our whole nation and all we do is put cheeseburgers in our faces all we do is try to make our fat bodies bigger and our president is arguing right now on twitter part 2 coming in 500 years