but i am into the intellectual thing i went to college i studied the great philosophers socrates i studied plato you know you learn the important things like if you re studying geology which is all facts as soon as you get out of school you forget it all you know because it s just numbers and things but philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life then you studied the important like ethical questions is it ok to yell movie in a crowed fire house uh religious questions does the pope shit in the woods i keep waiting sometime if there is a god give me a sign see i told you wouldn t it be weird if you died and you woke up and you were in heaven just like they always told you everybody had wings on and pearly gates wouldn t you feel stupid oh no you mean that this is what awww in college they said this was all bullshit oooh then well i ll just come in what you ve been keeping records on me well i wasn t so bad how many times did i take the lord s name in vain ooooh million and six jesus chri we re going to get to the meat of the act pretty soon i m just kind of coasting here what do you want for four dollars a real show or something i don t need this you know what i mean i m a neat guy more wine ahh it s so hard it s so hard to believe in anything anymore you know what i mean it s like religion i mean you can t really take it seriously because it seems so mythological and it seems so arbitrary and then on the other hand science you know is just pure empiricism and by virtue of its method it excludes metaphysics and uh i guess i wouldn t believe in anything if not for my lucky astrology mood watch college you feel so small you know you go to college you study about guys like leonardo who did everything a scientist a pai a great a great painter a great architect and designer and you feel like an idiot i wanted to expand my life in the way that leonardo did and that s why i took up juggling i know what you re saying you re saying steve where do you find time to juggle well i juggle in my mind whoops ok um but people look at guys like like the mona lisa hahaha leonardo s mona lisa and they think ohh that s not so great but not a lot of people know this the mona lisa was painted with one stroke he just went pllft how s this ok i m sorry alright ok ok ahhhh excuse me just went to the bahamas for a second well anyway i guess you can tell that uh i m into language language is kinda my thing being a comedian and uh if you don t have a command of the language nothing to be embarrassed about but uh because this is uh my profession and uh let s face it some people have a way with words and other people oh not have a way see i m into language you have to have a command of the english language or you re just nowhere i mean like take say you get out college or whatever you re doing you re gonna go into business say you re going to open a bank now you just for example you ve got to give it the right name it s got to be something big and strong like security first trust and federal reserve and you have to name a bank that because nobody is going to put their money in fred s bank hi i m fred i have a bank you got 1 500 i ll put it i ll put it here in my white suit white suit right hand pocket ok you gotta remember that i got a great dirty trick you can play on a three year old kid see kids learn how to talk by listening to their parents see see this is a good one you can pull on them see what you do you have a three year old kid and you want to play a dirty trick on them whenever you re around them you talk wrong so now it s like his first day in school and he raises his hand may i mambo dogface to the banana patch give that kid a special test get him out let me give you a warning ok i was in paris about two months ago and it was just a little vacation it was on the east coast i had seven days off and say well i ll just go over there i ll go to paris but let me give you a warning if you re going over there here s an example chapeau means hat ouef means egg it s like those french have a different word for everything i m serious see you never appreciate your language until you go to a foreign country that doesn t have the courtesy to speak english i went over there thinking no problem i don t speak any french i m thinking no problem english is a universal language everybody no i ll just it ll be easy i get off the plane get into the taxi say to the driver i dig baby talk ok have i started yet i have ok well then let s just keep going oh so so anyway you go to paris france and um well let s go back to what i was talking about about uh paris france i remember don t worry no so did i say a courtesy to speak english i said that ok now i went over there thinking oh everyone s going to speak english no problem i don t speak a word of french it s a universal language so i ll just be able to speak english so i get off the plane i get into a taxi the first indication i m going to have trouble i say to the driver i d like to go to a hotel please whaat what is that you re saying so the first thing you do this is really dumb you think this will help you adopt a french accent i would like to go to zee hotel so that s nothing so i went out and bought a little french phrase book hoping to memorize little phrases you know can i go to the bathroom things like that but french is not like spanish spanish you can sound it out it s easy for americans every vowel is a syllable casa de pepe donde esta casa de pepe but french is like jouen de le droit what happened what happened he spoke french help him so the only thing i could remember was cheese omelette omelette du fromage i m practicing all the time omlette du fromage i m meeting people hey omlette du fromage finally i got into a restaurant and go omelette du fromage and the problem if you order in french the waiter thinks you speak french he goes and you go yes he brings you a shoe with cheese on it and you also told him to force it down your throat i ll have a shoe with cheese on it force it down my throat and i want to massage your grandmother ok i finally figured out the secret to ordering food it s all sound effects went into a restaurant wanted to order milk eggs and ham i go in and i go the waiter looked and me and goes i beg your pardon ok enough comedy jokes alright um what s your mood watch say yeah i remember when i had my first beer 