there comes a time in everyone s life when they choose stasis or they choose to grow to be open to new views and experiences and challenge what they think they know we don t live in a black and white world and sexuality exists in the gray you can t define those roles so rigidly by saying someone s totally straight or totally gay cause people are just people and love today is omnisexual god i love this new side of me as a modern heteroflexible so with the help of a lot of booze i find a girl and we make out and it feels the same as kissing a guy so i don t see what all the fuss is about we keep hooking up and it feels so good and with my new broad outlook firmly in place i ve come so far it feels so right there s a vagina in my face and i m no gross don t want it don t want it don t want it don t want it gross ew holy shit i didn t expect that didn t know i d react that way i was repelled like negatively charged ions in a magnetic field or like i got pricked by a thorn i m cinderella and it s midnight and my coach turned into a woman i haven t been that close to a vagina since i was born i thought i understood what was up down there but it s just so human when you see it up close it s a messy visible secreting organ real woman genitals are kind of gross i thought it d be smooth and non threatening or nonexistent like barbies instead it looks like a half eaten beef and cheddar in the garbage can at arby s it s wrinkly and flappy and uneven and messy and kind of pink but also kind of brown with a super aggressive tongue like hole and a hoodie triangle protruding skin mound it s like a weather beaten deflated football or a decomposing bloody pear or a toothless mouth with gum rotten yeast that s salivating and covered in hair i knew it smelled weird but this is extreme like old french dressing at a salad bar or expired banana activia or a dead rotting turtle you left in your car it reminds me of the smell of my grandma s house or a guinea pig with bacterial disease wafting from a jar of formaldehyde or fresh spaghettios and warm blue cheese oh god i can t believe i said that that was insensitive and immature i swear i m not homophobic or anti woman just caught off guard for sure the female anatomy s divine and perfect and should be eternally celebrated and revered for its role as a beautiful vessel wherein all life is created and when i think about it i m ew jesus gross god no blech ew i m sorry for the confusion ma am i guess i m not that evolved and my illusions of bisexuality just instantly dissolved i mourn the cool new life i d envisioned wherein love renders gender preference obsolete cause when i looked a vagina in the eye i made a hasty ungraceful retreat so my sad but definite conclusion is that my mouth is for food and penises only but i m happy so many people like it down there otherwise i d be really lonely and i can t believe i have one of those ew
['comic', 'ukulele']