when i go to meet god i m gonna have to be honest i m gonna have to tell the truth not a day went by that i didn t doubt you you always said don t grow up too fast you re just a boy but it s better to be in the house of sorrow than the house of joy and if i could have a heart like david that resembles yours then what are the odds solomon s sadness might have creeped in somewhere to even the score dear dad do you remember when i was always sad you and mom called it my depressed year and i know it was pretty bad what drives a child to want to give up everything he has what makes a person think that what makes a mother s son decide that death is better than tomorrow inside of each and every breath that i borrowed i held onto the sorrow and thought i ll never be able to repay jesus with the way i live and now i m thinking so much that i ve screwed everything up and i don t even know if you exist so i may as well not exist so when i come to meet you i m gonna have to be honest i m going to tell the truth not one day has gone by that i haven t doubted you but i never told you both that i almost killed myself i did i almost drove my car right off that highway bridge and as i picked up pace prayed to god that he d forgive me if i went through with it this is not a life worth living i ve already ruined it mom dad sister friends family if i never see you again i hope you live out your lives happily give my dog a kiss of the lips and all of my writings go to isaac man the one s about me and you are not meant to be kept in private make them your own and write your songs to inspire the world the way i wish that i did sister you re beautiful don t ever let them take that away don t let yourself become just another face with no name get to know isaac better you two can collaborate mom i m sorry the last time we talked we fought i m just so sick of pretending to be somebody i m not and years down the line when i am all but forgot you were my last thought and to finish the note before i get up to go dad i m sorry i kept all this pain inside this will hurt you more than anyone else when i breathe my last i will pray that you can forget your past in all of this and try not to blame yourself i tried to find a reason to stay alive i love you all so much goodbye god i m coming to meet you now i suppose this decision doesn t display much trust but if you are real and really out there then make me feel like i m talking to something more than the ceiling dear mom i m getting better at writing happier things i know you ll never understand it but i m attached to the sadness and it rings true when i sing and there s a little bit of healing inside all of our suffering as i have a savior that took up my suffering for me and as i drove down i 40 to collide with 25 i swear to god something forgotten came alive to me inside and this little memory sparked a reason to risk life one more night on christmas morning i don t want my sister to wake up without her brother by her side tear me to pieces my sweet suicide for to die is gain and to live is christ so i will make you the apple of my eye when i come to meet you i m going to come complete as you have completed me i m going to come whole and i am begging to come happy 