english is the most widely spoken language in the history of the planet one out of every seven human beings can speak or read it half the world s books 3 4 of the international mail are in english it has the largest vocabulary perhaps two million words and a noble body of literature but face it english is cuh ray zee just a few examples there s no egg in eggplant no pine or apple in pineapple quicksand works slowly boxing rings are square a writer writes but do fingers fing hammers don t ham grocers don t groce haberdashers don t haberdash english is cuh ray zee if the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn t the plural of booth be beeth it s one goose two geese why not one moose two meese if it s one index two indices why not one kleenex two kleenices english is cuh ray zee you can comb through the annals of history but not just one annal you can make amends but not just one amend if you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one is it an odd or an end if the teacher taught why isn t it true that a preacher praught if you wrote a letter did you also bote your tongue and if a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat english is cuh ray zee why is it that night falls but never breaks and day breaks but never falls in what other language do people drive on the parkway and park on the driveway ship by truck but send cargo by ship recite at a play but play at a recital have noses that run and feet that smell english is cuh ray zee how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same when a wise man and a wise guy are very different to overlook something and to oversee something are very different but quite a lot and quite a few are the same how can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next english is cuh ray zee you have to marvel at the lunacy of a language in which your house can burn down while it is burning up you fill out a form by filling it in in which your alarm clock goes off by going on if pro is the opposite of con what is the opposite of progress well english was invented by people not computers and reflects the creativity of the human race so that s why when the stars are out they re visible but when the lights are out they re invisible when i wind up my watch i start it but when i wind up this rap i end it english is cuh ray zee 