i guess you think you know this story you don t the real one s much more gory the phoney one the one you know was cooked up years and years ago and made to sound all soft and sappy just to keep the children happy mind you they got the first bit right the bit where in the dead of night the ugly sisters jewels and all departed for the palace ball while darling little cinderella was locked up in a slimy cellar where rats who wanted things to eat began to nibble at her feet she bellowed help and let me out the magic fairy heard her shout appearing in a blaze of light she said my dear are you all right all right cried cindy can t you see i feel as rotten as can be she beat her fist against the wall and shouted get me to the ball there is a disco at the palace the rest have gone and i am jealous i want a dress i want a coach and earrings and a diamond brooch and silver slippers two of those and lovely nylon panty hose done up like that i ll guarantee the handsome prince will fall for me the fairy said hang on a tick she gave her wand a mighty flick and quickly in no time at all cindy was at the palace ball it made the ugly sisters wince to see her dancing with the prince she held him very tight and pressed herself against his manly chest the prince himself was turned to pulp all he could do was gasp and gulp then midnight struck she shouted heck i ve got to run to save my neck the prince cried no alas alack he grabbed her dress to hold her back as cindy shouted let me go the dress was ripped from head to toe she ran out in her underwear and lost one slipper on the stair the prince was on it like a dart he pressed it to his pounding heart the girl this slipper fits he cried tomorrow morn shall be my bride i ll visit every house in town until i ve tracked the maiden down then rather carelessly i fear he placed it on a crate of beer at once one of the ugly sisters sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe and quickly flushed it down the loo then in its place she calmly put the slipper from her own left foot ah ha you see the plot grows thicker and cindy s luck starts looking sicker next day the prince went charging down to knock on all the doors in town in every house the tension grew who was the owner of the shoe the shoe was long and very wide also it smelled a wee bit icky thousands of eager people came to try it on but all in vain now came the ugly sisters go one tried it on the prince screamed no but she screamed yes it fits whoopee so now you ve got to marry me the prince went white from ear to ear he muttered let me out of here oh no you don t you made a vow there s no way you can back out now off with her head the prince roared back they chopped it off with one big whack this pleased the prince he smiled and said she s prettier without her head then up came sister number two who yelled now i will try the shoe try this instead the prince yelled back he swung his trusty sword and smack her head went crashing to the ground it bounced a bit and rolled around in the kitchen peeling spuds cinderella heard the thuds of bouncing heads upon the floor and poked her own head round the door what s all the racket cindy cried mind your own bizz the prince replied poor cindy s heart was torn to shreds my prince she thought he chops off heads how could i marry anyone who does that sort of thing for fun the prince cried who s this dirty slut off with her nut off with her nut just then all in a blaze of light the magic fairy hove in sight her magic wand went swoosh and swish cindy she cried come make a wish wish anything and have no doubt that i will make it come about cindy answered oh kind fairy this time i shall be more wary no more princes no more money i have had my taste of honey i m wishing for a decent man they re hard to find d you think you can within a minute cinderella was married to a lovely feller a simple jam maker by trade who sold good home made marmalade their house was filled with smiles and laughter and they were happy ever after 