i met you at the jubilee perfumery there was a rumour you and me were indulging in some rudery it was true you see although it prudently eluded me i m a student of the university of verse as well as fert and free speech and weeks had gone by without so much as a by your leave well that s not strictly true you said bye and then you left me bereft of hope that someday i might make you my own or take you to rome or at least bake you some scones but you left me alone with nothing but my rhymes and my palms and my numerous balms but you abstained from my charms when i opened my arms you re balmy surely to charm me cruelly and make the cut of my jib unruly i duly attempted a pass but you left me in the khazi on my arse i was vastly unaware of your intentions for you were hiding something in your unmentionables i though you really were a tease but you had venereal disease i m sorry my advances may have doubled my chances of contracting your venereal disease here we go i rather like the idea of you pleasing me but i don t want to go out like eazy e you handed me your number and said if you want to call but i m afraid i rather had on my sherry monocle and when i awoke i was heartened to note i was at your place i couldn t finish my porridge if i had to look at your face over the breakfast table in confusion over events so the conclusion it presents is to bloody run for it so i bolted revolted to the door but you jolted me to the floor in a rage i m sorry old girl i said but i m engaged this was perhaps not the best course of action to take she grabbed a hold of my arm and said stay or it ll break she let me up and made some allusions to love but she had hands like bally wicket keepers gloves i gave her no reason to call me a ruddy pest but when i went downstairs it was a bloody awful mess i thought you were a hottentot but you had a rather rotten bot i thought i wanted you to call but i was sporting my sherry monocle you had no need to call me a pest but when i went downstairs it was a bloody awful mess 