pages filled cover the floor all covered up with ink words written over coffee document my struggling those mornings spent sitting alone mourning alone in grief for all i killed in search of honesty see i used to be a mustard seed shouting at the mountain i used to hang my head when it stayed far from the ocean i used to claim its failure and from the depths of depression i cried to god but god did not respond like a barrel chested strongman i suspended disbelief i held it high over my head though all the weight was staggering but legs buckled and muscles burned in came gravity i dropped it all faced what i d been avoiding for many years i walked that road for many years i tried so earnestly i sought the relationship advertised but my empty hands my empty heart could no longer be denied yeah i quit i forfeit eternal life i did not take inheritance when i left to go away i did what was commanded when that rich man asked to be saved i left my friends my family behind all for heaven s sake i am no prodigal and this is no mistake so i m sorry mom i m sorry dad i really want you to be proud don t want to disappoint you all don t want to let you down but i have stopped searching for truth hiding behind heaven s cloud don t save my place of this race i do bow out