i shall tell you a tale of a dejected dame sarsaparilla safirovich was her given name she was not the same as all the other chicks whose body temperatures were 98 6 she didn t have the flu but normal she was not in slang that sums it up this dish was too hot in the summer she d burn and in the winter perspire so to put out her inner heat was her one desire she turned on a fan put her feet on ice she called up frigidaire and asked for their advice since nothing seemed to work she came to realize that she was bound to make the mercury rise poor sarsaparilla the saddest girl you d ever hope to meet oh sarsaparilla the girl who couldn t stand the heat so she packed up her bags and hopped a choo choo train by the window right next to her sat a man called dwayne she confessed her plans to head to cooler climes and somewhere farther up north create some cooler times he listened to her tale of overheated woes and gave her this advice get rid of your clothes  well she listened to dwayne cos she had nothing to lose cept for maybe her skirt and blouse and her gloves and shoes she began to strip right there without a care and dwayne the gentleman said forgive me if i stare i know that as i peek my manners i may soil but everybody knows a watched pot won t boil poor sarsaparilla the saddest girl you d ever hope to meet oh sarsaparilla the girl who couldn t stand the heat off came the hat and the coat and skirt and the hose and the garters of our extrovert off came the undies with the paris design and suddenly a shiver came up her spine it seems as she stood there in her altogether sarsaparilla had discovered the perfect weather they got off of the train where there was lots of snow as a matter of fact they went far north as they could go dwayne got on his knee and asked her for her hand around the third on the left he placed a golden band she finally was cool she had a guy to boot she shimmied down the aisle in her birthday suit well they ve opened a club to please the eskimoes sarsaparilla safirovich dances in the shows she removes her clothes never breaks a sweat and dwayne accompanies her upon the clarinet he treats her like a queen and everything is right at thirty two degrees fahrenheit oh sarsaparilla the coolest girl you d ever hope to meet oh sarsaparilla the girl who finally beat the heat now there s a moral to this tale for which i know you re simply itchin if you cannot stand the heat get out of your stitchin 2