this ballad is dedicated to the brave men and women who triumphantly traverse the treacherous terrain who fearlessly face unfathomable foes who conquer incalculable chaos and all for what for the glory of victory recently divorced i m a father of one i have a couple kids but they re both with their mom luckily this weekend i got custody of my son i took that fucker for a ride cuz he wanted some fun hey daddy daddy i wanna go faster i m sweating my ass off shut up you little bastard i m telling mom cuz you let me get stabbed just another fun weekend with dad who s hoppin over obstacles smashin through glass bouncin all around like a kardashian s ass call me pogo pete i m screamin yolo skeet better clear a path if i m hoppin down your street i m like a homicidal kangaroo jackhammer man old ladies little babies doesn t matter where i land i got a sword in my ass and this shit hurts but i always wear a helmet safety first my happy wheels keep turnin i ll be flyin at the speed of light how i love the smell of rubber burnin push my limit cuz i m ready to die get out of my way my agenda matters ate 5 big macs and i ve got a full bladder cruisin through wal mart i m the quickest only obstacle i ve got is my diabetes keep your distance bitch haven t showered in years runnin on doritos and a couple of beers they say my blood pressure s gonna number my days you think obesity kills i say obesity slays  that verse was phat talk about a segue i ride around on my energy efficient segway meeting at twelve and i can t be late i work in hr and i mediate just a day at the office but it s kind of a drag my best friends left hand and a nudey mag i love my corporate lifestyle i m kinda nerdy won t stop this office freak from ridin dirty my happy wheels are a rollin even with this harpoon deep in my ass love the carnage body parts are a bowlin i m hangin on my limbs are barely attached throw your child in a blender laughing as he s dismembered what s the point of this mutilation crash and tumble through gauntlets tell me why do we want this my masochistic jubilation i ll be quick to turn you into mince meat i m the sickest lawn mower that you ever did meet landscapin faces i make it personal you stood me up on prom night and i won t be merciful nothin runs like a deere except you i love the smell of fresh cut grass and death too i m armored by fat don t think that you can kill me hope you brought an appetite i m makin human chili i smell like feces and i m really baldin no need for sneakers i got wheels and rockets i rock the cosmos like i m steven hawking not handicapped but i don t feel like walkin i m on welfare cashin checks on crack and meth while i m crackin heads haven t been the same since i got back from nam just like rambo my happy wheels are spinnin arms and legs and heads keep on flyin by like a monkey through the jungle swingin covered up in blood and i m in my prime it s not bad just a flesh wound but i ll probably be dead soon someone oughtta take a screenshot of me i ll go out like a rockstar body parts will be long gone just as long as i get to victory 