Oh no! It’s New Year CONVOLUTIONS!
GETTY It’s that time of the year when no one knows if they’re coming or going
Should I be at work then? No, because it’s another Bank Holiday apparently. We seem to have a Bank Holiday once a week at this time of year. Why? They are called substitute days because both Christmas and New Year fell on the weekend. OK, if it’s a Bank Holiday, is the Co-op open? And for how long? I don’t want to get caught out like I was on Boxing Day whenever that was.
Nipped out for bread at 4pm and all was in darkness. Will there be a newspaper today? Any post? Only I’m expecting a penalty charge from the Dartford crossing (went south on the M25 instead of north, got home and the dishwasher had flooded so I forgot to pay it. Somehow I don’t think that constitutes “exceptional circumstances”). Are the buses or trains running today? Did any of them run at all over the past 10 days? And if it’s Monday, will there be a double helping of Coronation Street as usual? I need to know if Andy really left and whether Anna survived her fall down the stairs. Or will it be replaced by yet another review of the year or a Christmas You’ve Been Framed?
GETTY George Michael died on Christmas day
So it’s Monday, the what of what? What is the date? And are we really in 2017? I seem to remember, recently, a bit of Auld Lang Syne with some fireworks in the background but was that when I was Skyping my son in Sydney? And they reach the New Year days before the rest of us. I’m confused by the avalanche of obituaries, which seem to have a touch of déjà vu about them. I went to bed singing Down, Down, Deeper And Down after Status Quo’s guitar-playing Rick Parfitt passed away and woke up the next morning to hear George Michael’s pleading Wake Me Up Before You Go Go! And then Princess Leia died and her mother followed a day later. They showed the same clips. I’d literally seen it all before… At this point you may be frowning disapprovingly and assuming that my befuddlement is due to the fact that I have overdone it this yuletide but let me just say that both my food and alcohol intake was meagre – largely because I was running round filling everyone else’s plate and glass – and furthermore, my nickname is “sharp as a tack”.
GETTY Then Carrie Fisher, who played Princess Leia, died and her mother followed a day later
It’s not that I’m losing my marbles but for the past 10 days or so I feel as if I’m in the middle of a Sherlock episode. My New Year has started not with resolutions but convolutions – there are no certainties any more and everything seems complicated and different. For instance, why has the television news been moving about? Tune in at lunchtime and it’s Shaun The Sheep or Harry Potter and the 10 O’Clock News seems to have been taken over by David Walliams or Jonathan Creek. Consequently so many questions remain unexplained and ultimately unanswered. Is Christmas pudding ice cream really a good idea? I’ve tried and tried to eat it and it still looks like gravel paving. And what is the point of crackers except to create more paper waste? Whose is that silk scarf – with the label still on – I found beside the sofa? Was it a present to me? If so, why would I toss it aside? Oh, I see that it has pictures of cats on it and I’m a dog person.
There’s a phone charger plug on the table in the kitchen. It’s not mine. Which of the children/grandchildren/friends have left it? I hope it’s not the ones who have gone back to Australia. Do I know of anyone who supports Arsenal? My son was given the team scarf as a present by a well-meaning elderly neighbour but he couldn’t disguise his horror as he is a Tottenham supporter. She said, “But they’re both just football teams, aren’t they?” What else can you do with turkey, apart from risotto, curry and bubble and squeak? Is Twelfth Night the 5th or the 6th? Why can’t I take the tree down now? It’s dropping everywhere because the dog is wagging his tail against it. The cards are draped in the hall on garlands of string and every time the door opens, half a dozen flutter to the floor. Oh, blow it, I’m taking them down. Who’s this from? “Love from Brenda and Jerry.
Sports stars who died in 2016 Wed, December 28, 2016 Express Sport runs through some of the famous sporting figures who passed away in 2016 Play slideshow Getty Images 1 of 11 Johan Cruyff (68)
We had such fun with you. Hope the rash has cleared up.’’ Who are they? I don’t even know a Brenda, let alone one attached to a Jerry. And what rash? I had a bit of a reaction to borage at a barbecue last summer. Could they be Moira and Martin’s neighbours with the calamine lotion? Right! Who ate the box of chocolates which were given to me and me alone? Can I recycle shiny paper? Which bin does the ribbon go into or should I disentangle it and use it again? Is it safe to iron wrapping paper? Some of it is quite expensive with no Sellotape marks, seems a shame to waste it. I know my neighbours are away so is it acceptable to put some of our rubbish in their bin? This is the day the dustmen come usually. But I just looked out of the front door and I couldn’t hear the rumble of revolving debris on the move. But I forgot to give them a Christmas tip so maybe they’ll never come again. Oh, of course they won’t come today – because it’s a bank holiday. Oops, I nearly kicked over a poinsettia in a pot on my doorstep, wrapped in sparkly paper. No note, no message. Has someone left it for me? Or is it meant for next door?
GETTY Is it acceptable to take the Christmas tree down yet?