Dear Coleen: My daughter is blackmailing me over getting greater access to my grandchildren
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Dear Coleen,
We’re having issues with our daughter and her boyfriend. About four years ago, since our eldest grandson was born – they also have a daughter aged 18 months – they’ve used the children to hurt us.
The boyfriend is a nightmare, if I’m honest, and terrible with money. He’s always in and out of work, so my daughter’s life with him must be fairly stressful.
He doesn’t get on with his own family and I think they’ve washed their hands of him, so now he’s turned his attention to ours to see what he can get out of us.
The most recent thing is that my daughter has asked us for a substantial amount of money to pay for various things, and added that she’ll let us see the grandchildren more regularly.
I was so hurt by that – holding us to ransom so obviously and using her children to obtain money.
I can only imagine that her boyfriend has put the idea in her head, but what should I do? Despite my daughter’s bad taste in partners and the fact she’s hurt us very badly, I still love her.
Just as importantly, I don’t want her or our grandchildren to suffer because of this man.
What’s your advice?
Coleen says
Ouch, that must have hurt. It probably goes against all your instincts as a mother and grandmother, but I really don’t think you can let your daughter blackmail you. If you do, she’ll think she can do it again and again. Where will it stop?
It’s heartbreaking for you and your grandchildren, but what I think you should say to your daughter is that you’ll always be there to help with babysitting and childcare if either of them has to work or go for an ­interview, or if she needs a night out or some downtime.
However, make it clear that you can’t afford to just hand over this kind of money at your time in life, especially when you don’t know if they’ll be able to pay you back.
I understand how angry you must feel about your daughter’s partner, but be careful about criticising him because you don’t want her to cut herself off. You want her to feel ­confident that she can come to you if things go wrong with him.
The bottom line is, there shouldn’t be any conditions attached to seeing your grandchildren. If you can, try to see your daughter on your own as much as possible to strengthen the bond between you. Good luck.
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