UKIP's Paul Nuttall may act like an habitual liar
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Paul Nuttall is a man of great integrity and would not say something he knew to be untrue.
We know this because his press officer Lynda Roughley told us so, shortly after telling us she'd said stuff about him that was total rubbish.
And that's despite the fact he's been previously found to not have been either a professional footballer for Tranmere Rovers, a doctor of history, or a resident of Stoke-on-Trent.
But if he's a man of great integrity and yet able to do such a good impression of an habitual liar, why not use it for good?
I don't just mean the white lies many of us tell, about the size of our partner's less-than-bijou bums or the real reason we were late home. Perhaps he could use his skills to improve and enliven the whole world, rather than just to get himself elected.
Just think how the headlines could read, if he tried...
1. Paul Nuttall destroys Donald Trump!
(Photo: Getty)
If there's anyone who can take on the Giant Wotsit in the White House and his alternative facts, it's Nutty Nuttall.
TRUMP: "There were 1.5million people at my inauguration!"
NUTTY: "There are 400million migrants on their way to Stoke!"
TRUMP: "Global warming is a hoax by the Chinese!"
NUTTY: "The NHS is a hoax by the Muslims!"
TRUMP: "They let you grab 'em by the p**** when you're famous!"
NUTTY: "What's a p****?"
If we could get these two together in some sort of Poetically Insane Claim-Off, Nutty could make Trump resign in under a minute.
Nuttall has the political connections and tiny hands to get into the White House, so we simply need to club together to pay the postage.
2. Paul Nuttall brings back BHS!
(Photo: Daily Mirror)
More than 11,000 people lost their jobs, and hundreds of high streets lost their cheap towels, when BHS closed last year.
Nutty has however already opened a rebranded store on a Stoke street corner, from which he is hawking secondhand Faragisms, a lot of cheap shots and an offer to end unemployment by giving himself two well-paid jobs as both an MEP and MP.
It might not do as much to fill the £571m pensions black hole as selling BHS goods online will, but he can at least claim to be reinvigorating Britain's high streets and increasing footfall by attracting regular protest marches.
If Nutty decides to boast of getting a knighthood for services to British business, perhaps Sir Philip Green will feel compelled for reasons of hygiene to hand his own back.
3. Paul Nuttall brings Andy Capp to life!
(Photo: LNP)
We don't know whether it was Nutty or his press officer who decided a flat cap and barely-furnished terrace was the best way to secure working-class votes.
But either way, the resemblance he bears to a racist idiot who barely works and can't see any further than the brim of his hat is uncanny.
By bringing such social satire to life Nutty is showing, just as Reg Smythe did in his cartoon strip, every northern man how not to behave. An Alf Garnett for our times. Go Nutty!
4. Paul Nuttall saves British egg industry!
(Photo: Getty Images Europe)
You may not know it, but this winter has seen a suspected outbreak of bird 'flu which has meant poultry farms have had to keep all their birds indoors.
For those whose eggs and chickens are certified free range, the length of this quarantine has caused concern they would lose this major selling point, which allows them to charge a premium for their product.
Luckily, all Nutty has to do is walk down the street and every passing pedestrian experiences an uncontrollable urge to buy half a dozen large ones.
Despite modern food fads Nutty is single-handedly restoring our need to start the day on an egg. Right in the chops, for preference.
5. Paul Nuttall reforms The Beatles!
(Photo: PA)
In his continued quest to be the Best Scouser Of All Time, our hero has abandoned claims to have lost close friends at Hillsborough and set about getting the original boy band back together.
All right, two of them are dead, Sir Paul can't get his thumb down long enough to play the bass any more and Ringo has told him to sod off. But Nutty sees no reason why that means he can't play Wembley, be photographed in bed with Yoko Ono and demand all songwriting credits be altered to read Nuttall/Lennon/McCartney.
His version of Yellow Submarine will make William Shatner's Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds sound like a tone-deaf old git doing it for the cash, and add immeasurably to the gaiety of the entire nation.
6. Paul Nuttall finds Shergar!
(Photo: Getty)
Having been exposed as the sort of fantasist you usually expect to find behind three computer screens in his mum's back bedroom, Nutty sets about showing he does know what facts are by solving some of the greatest mysteries of our time.
He not only finds out who stole the five-year-old winner of the Epsom Derby in 1983, but reveals he was used as a secret stud and traces his bloodline all the way to Benedict Cumberbatch.
After lunch, Nuttall reveals he is in fact Lord Lucan, has a full head of hair and has been putting on the Scouse act all along.
7. Paul Nuttall reopens libraries!
(Photo: Twitter/@Markfergusonuk)
With 343 libraries closed since 2010 with the loss of 8,000 jobs, our population has become dangerously reliant on things Google allows us to know.
Last year a survey found the number of Americans who had visited a library just once had dropped from 53% to 44%. A few months later, they voted for Donald Trump.
We all know Nutty thinks books are important, because a picture of him with some was digitally altered to make it look like there were twice as many and that they weren't all called Paul Goes To Strasbourg Five Days A Month And Makes £80,000 A Year.
His former history lecturer David Renton even claimed that Nutty has shown signs of reading almost too much, having once quoted Holocaust-denier David Irving in an essay about the causes of the mass murder of Jews, homosexuals, gypsies, the disabled and political opponents.
(Photo: PA)
Perhaps the libraries Nutty would reopen would contain the sort of books not everyone likes, but at least they'd only be photoshopped onto the shelves so we could delete them when his back was turned.
If Nutty refuses to his powers for good, and confuse us all by saying things that don't turn out to be exactly true, then we will have no choice but to start believing the opposite of everything he says.
Which means immigration is good, sensible non-racist working class people shouldn't vote for him and that he really DID use to be Bungle from Rainbow.
Of all the things that he's said, that denial is the one that hurts the most. We can but hope that it won't be long before he puts on a bear suit, zips Nigel's mouth up and skips through central Stoke to the theme tune.
"Up above the trees and houses, Nutty flying high..."