PGL family adventure for a nearly fearless family in Devon
Standing next to a 40ft drop, I prepare to abseil for the first time ever. Any second now...
Ten minutes later, I'm still preparing to abseil for the first time ever. I grit my teeth and try to imagine I'm SAS. It doesn't work.
Ultimately, it's the sound of my excited children below shouting 'Do it! Do it!' that gives me the kick up my safety-harnessed backside I need - and over I go, arthritic hips and all.
I'm on a Family Adventure holiday at PGL in Torquay, Devon, for the week with my wife and three daughters (aged eight, ten and 11). And it's all about fun and fear - embracing the former and conquering the latter.
Happily ever rafter? Nick and his family enjoyed a PGL family adventure holiday at Barton Hall in Devon. Above, the Enochs prepare for a raft-building challenge
Getting into the swing of things: One thrilling activity saw us being hoisted sky-high in a giant swing. Just like being in your local park - except bigger, faster... and scarier
Bow in her hair and bow in her hand: Lucy had a go at archery during our week-long stay
Over the next seven days, we will throw ourselves off of things (see above), ride quad bikes, attempt to build a raft, zip wire great distances, rock climb and play something called Aeroball, which alas does not involve chocolate.
PGL is well-known for its kids' residential camps (hence the informal 'Parents Get Lost' tag) - but it also caters for parents who can spend a few days activity-bonding with their offspring at one of the leisure group's centres.
We're at Barton Hall - a 19th-century manor house once owned by Fred 'Pontin's' Pontin - which is set in 46 acres on the south-west coast's 'English Riviera'.
It stands atop a grassy hill, further down which lie a cluster of trampolines, climbing apparatus of dizzying height, the quad bike circuit, heated outdoor swimming pool and a lake - its shoreline strewn with poles and barrels.
Formula fun: Katie, Nick's ten-year-old, really enjoyed quad biking around the dirt track
Nick and his wife take part in the Crate Challenge. The idea is to stack the crates and climb on them, higher and higher - until you fall off. Gents should watch out for that tight-fitting harness, though. As you'll see from the middle picture, it can catch you unawares...
Barton Hall. It's a bricks-and-mortar version of Richard O'Brien from TV's Crystal Maze - just waiting to set us a series of challenges (without the maze or crystals.)
Continuing the telly theme, if our chalet accommodation is an episode of Sesame Street, it would be brought to you by the letter 'b': basic, beds, bathroom, beverages (tea and coffee facilities) and the occasional bug (we count four spiders during our stay). And bunk beds, for the little ones to fight over.
All this talk of TV - but you won't find one in the chalets, which is no bad thing: you'll be so busy, there's no time for it.
Day One of PGL sees us head to the communal dining room very early for breakfast.
The food is served on plastic red trays, which, along with the clank of cutlery and queue of hungry children brings back memories of the school canteen.
Oarsome! Our makeshift barrels and poles stayed afloat on the lake. To celebrate afterwards, the children waded into the water and held hands in a circle
The cuisine may not be haute, but it is certainly hot when required (eggs, sausage and mushroom - perfect) and very tasty - plus there's always a meat and veggie option.
I'm particularly impressed with the way each day is structured. At the start of the holiday, you're given a schedule with details of your two morning and two afternoon activities.
This includes a flexi-session, so you can choose, for example, archery if you don't fancy a 'vertical challenge'. You are paired with a few other families with children of a similar age - in our case, a family from Newcastle and Cheltenham, whom we get on very well with. (The kids all make friends and swap email addresses at the end.)
Our very first 'mission' - the Sensory Trail - seems innocuous enough. After all, I'd done a 'sensory trail' in a park before, which involved walking around, sniffing flowers and touching textured surfaces.
But this is PGL.
Without giving too much away, let's just say it involves blindfolds, a hand on someone else's shoulder - and lots of mud.
This is the only activity which involves blindfolds - although there are moments when eyes remain closed out of sheer terror or excitement.
So that's Aeroball: Throwing an orange sponge ball into your opponent's netting-hoop hole is not as easy as it looks
Take, for example, the Crate Challenge. For this, a pair of us stand on crates while our comrades hand us more crates, which we stack on top and climb onto.
Repeat, continue, stack - until we fall off. I think my wife and I get to about 14 crates-high before 'the toppling' - which leaves us dangling like puppets on a string.
It may sound dangerous but it couldn't have been safer, thanks to the 'string' - aka safety ropes - and harnesses. Everything is carefully monitored by qualified and friendly staff, and nothing is obligatory - ie you could bottle out, like I do, on several occasions.
Lucy, 8: Her highlights Zip-a-dee dooh dah: Lucy on the zip wire It's so much fun. The first activity we do is the sensory trail. We play lots of fun games. In the sensory trail as a group, we all go into the woods blindfolded and do obstacles. The last obstacle we do is a tiny tunnel. None of the adults do it but my brave daddy. We make friends with all the people in my group. They are very kind. I won't name all my activities I do but will name my favourites. I LOVE the quad biking even though it is a flexi session. I also love the big zip wire. It is super duper fun. The last thing I absolutely love is the giant swing. I really want to have another go to go to the top with my mummy but my sister Jessica does it instead of me.
My cowardice gene has not been passed on to my children. Our little Lucy couldn't wait to pop on her helmet and harness before zipping down the zipwire. And then do it again and again.
Meanwhile, our eldest, Jessica, whizzes up the rock-climbing wall like Spider-Man's younger sister. And middle child Katie is a speed demon on the quad bike circuit. Formula Fun all the way.
The lake with the poles and the barrels is the scene of a very interesting challenge: build a raft with said items, hop aboard and paddle out on to the lake without sinking.
Our knots might have given Robert Baden-Powell palpitations but our ramshackle raft stays afloat. And, again, it is a great confidence-boosting, team-building experience for the kids.
When the day is done, there are plenty of evening activities: treasure hunts, hide and seek, quizzes and a talent show.
We also have a day off mid-week to explore the area. Kent Caverns (15 minutes by car) is fantastic - and has nothing to do with Kent. (It's derived from the Celtic word 'Kant' which means headland.)
The 400million-year-old cave network can get a bit nippy so bring a coat. Bonus: our tour guide is incredibly witty.
We also visit Canonteign Falls in nearby Dartmoor National Park - a 20minute drive away. It's quite a trek for the little ones to the top of the falls - the highest man-made one in England - but it's well worth it for the magical scenery.
As ever with our family holidays, I'm intrigued by the people we meet. PGL is no exception.
I chat to a chap who's working on the controversial HS2 rail project; a charity worker who helps place Syrian refugees at universities in the UK; and an executive producer for Merchant Ivory film productions.
Diverse jobs, indeed. But one thing we all have in common is clothes in dire need of a wash - because there are no on-site laundry facilities.
But do our kids give this a moment's thought as we cram our damp, smelly trousers and tops back into our suitcases?
Of course not. They just want to squeeze in one last jump, zip, climb and swim before heading back to humdrum suburbia.
Nick's wife Hannah bravely takes a leap of faith on the Trapeze Challenge. It's certainly one of the tougher activities and requires great confidence - and a head for heights