text: Preconceptions, I find, can be really unhelpful, so before travelling to The Datai, a luxury hotel in Malaysia, I decided not to find out anything about it. I preferred instead to be delighted - or otherwise - on arrival. I was travelling with my old mucker Doon Mackichan (from Smack The Pony, Plebs, The Day Today). Our paths first crossed almost 30 years ago as rookies on the comedy circuit, but since then we have, by chance, both acquired part-time homes in the same seaside town. It is Doon who has taught me to stride like a warrior into the freezing Channel. Luxury personified: The Datai Hotel has all the colour and wonder of the Emerald City, says Maria McErlane . Setting off for the Far East, there was something of the Hinge and Bracket about us, blithering away in actressy tones, trying to charm the Air Malaysia crew into granting us a cheeky upgrade. (Which failed.) But that was soon forgotten and the joy of leaving Britain behind in cold mid-December was fully realised when we disembarked into the densely tropical humidity of Langkawi. After a 30-minute taxi ride through darkness and impenetrable forests, The Datai appeared with all the colour and wonder of the Emerald City. Full-size carved horses illuminated by antique torches guarded the entrance, as beautiful silk sari-clad Malaysian staff welcomed us with cocktails. In the background, the ubiquitous lobby pianist/singer warbled away to I Just Called To Say I Love You. A minor note of tedium. Langkawi is an archipelago of 104 islands in the Andaman Sea, 20 miles off the coast of Malaysia. In 2007 it was given World Geopark status by Unesco. The Datai Hotel and Resort is in the north west of the island. Maria McErlane (left) with painter Doon Mackichan at The Datai hotel in Malaysia . This paradise in the middle of a ten million-year-old rainforest was created in 1990. Designed by Australian architect Kerry Hill around Datai Bay - a white sandy crescent beach voted one of the ten most beautiful in the world, with its magnificent backdrop of jungle and mountains - the resort took three years to complete. To minimise its impact on the jungle, Hill limited the size of the main building and added 40 villas over the extensive grounds, along with restaurants and a spa alongside a creek. He sourced wood, marble and stone from across the island and mainland Malaysia to create Mayan walls, Malay roofs and Japanese screens. The result sees soft, subtle colours creating an atmosphere throughout of calm tranquillity, offset by genuine animal sounds that could well come from a Now That's What I Call Jungle Noises Volume 1. Leaving the main building behind, we were taken by golf buggy down the 'yellow brick roads' through the enchanted forest, across bridges, and past waterfalls and freshwater streams to our elegant beach villa where we were met by our butlers. Keen to revive our weary bones, Doon asked if it was safe to swim. 'No,' came the answer. 'Why not?' she questioned, expecting to be told of danger. 'Because it is dark,' the butler replied with a smile. Spot of swimming anyone? The Andaman Ocean turns out to be the perfect choice for a dip at any time . Clearly he doesn't know Doon. She has been part of a team swimming the Channel in extreme conditions and also took part in the World Ice Swimming Championships in Finland ('you can feel your body slowing down as hypothermia begins to set in', she boasts). She is made of stern stuff. Despite it being close to midnight, we ran down to the beach, disrobing and squealing, before plunging into the silky-smooth Andaman sea. Phosphorescence streamed through the water, illuminating our limbs as we swam towards the lights of Thailand on the horizon. It was a magical beginning to our holiday. Back at our opulent Balinese-meets-New England villa, we were quite overcome by the super-sized beds, hot outdoor showers, plunge pool, Bose sound system, zillionthread soft cotton sheets, quietly whirring wooden fans, high-tech lighting (we longed for a light switch) and blackout blinds. Buggies can be summoned at a moment's notice, but the next morning we preferred a stroll on the beach, through the jungle, along wooden walkways and up the 139 Mayan temple-inspired steps to breakfast. Clutching our nature books, we were serenaded by squawking macaques and doe-eyed dusky leaf monkeys swinging from Tarzan vines through the trees. First class display: The pair were serenaded by doe-eyed dusky leaf monkeys in the trees . Brahminy kites and green imperial pigeons flew overhead, and we both leapt back in horror when a three foot long monitor lizard slithered across the path into the undergrowth. It really was a first-class display from the jungle inhabitants. After breakfast on the terrace, we took mountain bikes and cycled to the resort's golf course. Golf is not really my thing, but if you know your sand wedge from your nine iron, this course is fantastic - everything is groomed to within an inch of a Stepford wife. In fact, the Els Club Teluk Datai has been voted the best 'new' golf course in the world. Having ignored the warning to keep all doors and windows closed, Doon arrived back at the villa to find a scene of devastation: a monkey burglary. Every drawer had been wrenched open, newspapers shredded, jars unscrewed, suitcase contents scattered and chocolates eaten - tiny slivers of silver paper being the only remains of a Toblerone. Doon had painted a watercolour earlier that morning which the monkeys had 'relieved' themselves on. We didn't need a forensics team to identify our uninvited guests as chocolatey paw prints were everywhere. I was secretly rather thrilled with their ingenuity. After such excitement, a sea dip was needed before several Beach Club cocktails and much embellished recounting of 'Monkeygate'. The four restaurants at The Datai are overseen by executive chef Richard Millar. There's the Beach Club specialising in Mediterranean and international cuisine; The Gulai House, tucked into the forest and offering intensely flavoursome Malay and Indian offerings; the Dining Room in the main building; and The Pavilion, a restaurant on 100ft-high balau stilts erected with the help of elephants (yes, really). Doon remarked that it resembled a 'birds' nest in the sky', albeit one that serves traditional Thai cuisine. Such was our commitment to sampling all the restaurants, we both managed to gain half a stone in a week. Maria heads to the beach after a lazy breakfast . The most pleasing element of our beach view was the lack of visiting boats, save for the Naga Pelangi (Rainbow Dragon), a traditional wooden Malaysian junk schooner hand-built in the boatyards of Duyung island on the east coast of Malaysia. We were invited aboard for a trip to the Geopark to watch brown eagles feed and, in Doon's case, to find dolphins. Her chosen method to summon these creatures was to serenade them in full operatic mode with songs from Carmen - an impressive but futile exercise as they stayed away. If the many activities at The Datai become too much, gentler pursuits are on offer, such as an 8am nature walk that teaches participants the ways of the forest. For me, however, it was a bit early for concentration, so I excused myself and enjoyed a lazy breakfast. Later, in the bathroom, a bean bagsized frog fell from the air-con vent on to my head before hopping on to the cistern, blinking into the daylight: a reminder, were one needed, of the Herculean task it must be preventing the jungle from taking back its land. During our stay, in a futile attempt to counter the calorific intake, we swam morning, noon and night. One longer excursion across the tranquil Datai Bay with flippers and snorkels resulted in us being spiked by sea urchins and stung by jellyfish. Neither incident was a huge deal, but the Datai nurses were on hand within moments of us returning to land, and even took time to check on us the following day. Before leaving Datai, we squeezed in a trip to the spa, which is open to the jungle. I could see the creek below and hear the monkeys gossiping. The ubiquitous plinky-plonky spa musak was quickly redundant when the heavens open and the full rainforest orchestra began its symphony in earnest. During my 90-minute treatment - a Ramuan massage - I'm not sure I have ever been, nor will ever be again, in such a state of zen relaxation. The Datai was truly special. Mystical, spiritual, romantic, luxurious, life-affirming... and fattening. We can't wait to go back. Experience Travel Group (experiencetravelgroup.com, 020 3468 6268) offers seven nights' B&B at The Datai from £1,999 per person, including return flights from Heathrow and transfers.
target: Comedian Maria McErlane travelled with buddy Doon Mackichan .
  The pair swam morning, noon and night in the Andaman Sea .
  Serenaded by macaques and dusky leaf monkeys .