Naruto 1. Humor Me

So i have to tell you this story is absolotuly cracking up my beta readers so that gives me every assurance that you guys are gunna like it too.

So Beta as always will be the beautiful Nacht who does great work.

As for the rest just enjoy

Illustrations of You

Chapter one: Dare me

Sakura sat next to Naruto in the booth and tried to count the coins spilled across the counter. They had been here nearly all night and she was getting just the slightest bit tipsy, She giggled at that thought and caught herself slumping to the side and righted herself by pushing off of Naruto's shoulder. It was Choji's birthday and while the party wasn't that hopping it was fun, the birthday parties were getting pretty tame the se days no longer the wild bashes they were even a year ago. You turn 24 and life just seems to catch up with you. She squinted at one slightly bent coin before turning her ear to what Naruto had been saying for the last half hour.

"So this girl was like REALLY crazy! She started taking of her clothes right there in the park!" He pounded on the table to emphasize his point making all their cups jump on the table.

"Shyea right Naruto," Kiba slurred craning his head around to look at the girls gathered around the table in the corner, "What do you think they are doing over there?"

"You mean you don't know?! They are doing interviews for the new Miss Konoha for this year's Shinobi Illustrated." Naruto said loudly drawing the attention of everyone nearby, causing more men to nearly break their necks trying to stare at the corner.

"That's just dumb! What kind of self respecting kunoichi would do something like that?" Sakura gulped as she tossed fiery liquid down her throat and glared at an oblivious Kiba.

"Well you know some girls are chocolate and uh…some girls are just vanilla." Naruto humphed and reached for the sake bottle.

Sakura turned her attention back to him and raised an eyebrow "What do you mean by that?"

"Well like you, you're vanilla. You date vanilla guys and from what I hear you have vanilla sex. When you go to the ice cream store Vanilla is what you pick when nothing else seems better, 'cause vanilla is safe and never dares to do anything really crazy." He rubbed the back of his head while Sakura just stared at him.

"Yeah I know what your talking about, Vanilla girls are the kind of girls who only like to have missionary sex and would rather stay home and cuddle than get naked in the park." Kiba chimed in, heads around the table nodded in patent understanding.

"I am NOT vanilla!" Sakura screeched and tried to wack Naruto on the back of the head and missed.

"You so are! I mean come on, when was the last time you did anything really crazy? When was the last time you dated a guy just cause the sex was good, or you had such loud sex that the people next door had to bang on the walls to get you to quiet down?" Ino chimed in her two cents from Chouji's lap "I mean, you won't even have sex on the couch cause you don't want to stain it."

"That's not true! We did and it took me forever to…"

"That's not the point, girls who stop in the middle of sex 'cause someone got a little champagne stain on the couch are SO vanilla." Ino shot back at her.

"It's an expensive couch! I had to save forever to buy the couch and who would want to lick champagne of someone anyway!" She hotly protested.

"See!-"

"I think you just proved our point," Kiba smirked and dodged the napkin thrown at him for interrupting Ino.

"Hey! You keep saying you aren't. I've got a great way to prove it! Why don't you go over there and try out" The whole table perked up at Naruto's suggestion and started nodding their heads shouting encouragement at her.

"No way! Plus it would totally blow my cover!" She protested, starting to panic as she saw the inevitable coming her way.

"What cover? You're a medical jounin Sakura, people keep coming here asking for you…officially consider your cover blown." Ino laughed, enviously remembering all the clients who came in asking for Sakura specifically; who was well know for her ability to pull back even the worst from the brink of death, a rumor that had caused quite a bit of heartache to those looking for miracles.

"Lets make it interesting," Naruto jumped in "If Sakura trys out seriously and actually manages to get a call back then I will put up….all my danger bonuses for the next three months." Naruto slapped his hand on the table again laughing at his own cleverness.

"Yeah me too!" Kiba also slapped his hand on the table…and the bet was impressive, both were Elite jounin so the danger bonuses could be pretty hefty. Sakura bit her lip but was overwhelmed when Chouji also threw in his own hand.

"Alright!" she stood up and slammed her hand on the table leaning over her drunken companions. Now determined that she would get as far as call-backs, she WOULD do it and she would prove to all of them that she WAS NOT vanilla.

"Wait! This is a bet! So what does she forfeit is she doesn't get a call-back?" Ino would just HAVE to add that wouldn't she?

"Hey I know, if Sakura doesn't get a call-back, she will have to wear a sign all next week telling everyone she's vanilla." Naruto laughed, ready to dodge at Sakura's lightest twitch.

Sakura glared at Naruto and nodding, turned swiftly on her heel and stomped over to the desk surrounded by hopefuls all waiting to be interviewed by the magazine executive and photographer. She cleared a path before her, through the chunin and younger women, immediately claiming a spot at the head of the table and loomed over the young man at the table demanding a application.

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"So miss…..Harano is it?" he looked up blinking at her behind his thick glasses then looking back down at the sheet. "It says here that you are a jounin….a medical expert…what are you an expert in?" he peered at her and Sakura imagined herself interviewing for a hospital position not to be on a cover of a trashy magazine.

"Field surgery and uncommon illness, along with a strong background in poisons, physical therapy and rehabilitation, I've trained under Tsunade for quite a few years but I have started branching off into my own specialties by-" She was cut off by the officious little man.

"Tsunade? Someone I should know?"

"Uh, the Hokage." she replied beetling her brows once again wondering if she was talking to the right guy.

"Oh right, her, very unfortunate, we've been asking her to do this for a while but she keeps turning us down for some reason" As if turning him down was something he just couldn't comprehend any sane woman wanting to do.

"Well all that's left miss uh….Hirano, is for us to take a picture of you and we will get a hold of you in a couple weeks." He dismissively turned to the next form in the pile and motioned to the next girl.

"Its Haruno" she corrected the little man who just oushed his glasses back up and made shooing motions.Sakura figured this meant she should move on the to the guy with the camera standing patiently in the corner.

"So you guys are going to take my picture now?" She inquired looking down at her slightly rumpled uniform.

"This is just so the guys have something to look at when they go over your picture." he stood her up against the wall and picked up his camera.

In a panic she realized that this would be her first impression and she quickly pulled out the clip in her hair and pushing her chest forward. She threw out her best smile looking up just in time to catch the flash of the camera, a slightly surprised look on her face.

After being turned down to take just one more picture, she slinked out of the bar leaving her tab for Naruto to pick up for once.

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Weeks had passed by and Sakura had completely forgotten about her erstwhile career in modeling. The others had been drunk enough that when the subject came up again they just laughed and grinned, telling her not to worry about it.

She left in the morning and came home at night, she occasionally went out on missions with her team, More often then not, she and Naruto were placed together. After dating Sasuke several years ago, they had both asked that neither one of them be placed on the others team if at all possible due to "irreconcilable differences". The differences had turned out to not be so irreconcilable but they had yet to cancel the request figuring things were working fine the way they were.

As for the final member of Team Kakashi, he himself went on missions and came home every day just like her. They passed each other in jounin headquarters and raised a negligent hand hardly bothering to look up from medical texts or erotic books to provide even the barest of hellos. Sakura had long given up the idea of having any sort of meaningful relationship with Kakashi, he liked porn and porn seemed to like him, he was ok with it. So Sakura sighed and sunk back into her books and her new passion of botany.

She spent her free evenings with friends who seemed to grasp at any sense of normality left in their lives. But the crowd was getting thinner and Sakura had realized that she had cut herself off from the whole dating scene, isolating herself among her friends where she was unlikely to run into any guys looking for dates or even a little passion. When she bothered to go out at all, it was obvious that things needed to change but duty called and time slipped by, eventually even her good intentions were forgotten.

That made the arrival of the envelope even more surprising when Sakura finally broke the seal and read the contents. Her mouth dropped open and she gasped for air as she read what could very well be her death sentence. Not only was she going to be called back but they had decided that she was the perfect candidate for this year's Miss Konoha to be featured in Shinobi Illustrated Ladies with Knives, special edition. She had no idea what that meant but she knew she just had to turn it down. She clutched the scattered papers to her chest, looked around for anyone who might have seen the damaging contents of the letter before she rushed into the house and hurriedly shoved the papers into a trash can and lit a match. She held the match over the trash can staring down into its contents blindly, swearing when she felt the flame burn her fingers, snapped her hand and put her finger in her mouth with a moue of distaste.

_Could she really turn this down?_

She had wanted to take the bet because she didn't want anyone to see her as Vanilla…isn't this proving it to more then just her friends but to every guy here in Konoha? Heck it might even be good for a few dates if she was lucky.

And damn it was flattering that they picked her without even calling her back for a second interview. She never had thought of herself as that hot.

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"You know it's the ones who aren't that hot that leave us so much to work with."

Sakura stood humiliated in the middle of the room wearing only her underwear and socks. The room was huge, cables and wires ran in every direction not to mention backdrops and camera equipment of every size and type scattered throughout what appeared to be a refitted warehouse. Which, of course meant it wasn't heated. She shivered and resisted hugging herself with her arms, having gotten in trouble for that already.

"Ok Make-up! I really need you to get started, I want to talk to Wardrobe. I saw this one guy in the village and I was simply inspired! Inspired! This is going to be some of my best work ever….."

She heard the fading sound of the photographer's voice and she looked over at the crack team of stylists, personal assistants, and important looking people who seemed to be giving her the fish eye.

"Come this way….ugh she has Tan Lines," This was said with capital marks denoting this as an abomination deserving of being promoted to a noun.

She was turned into a small dressing area and had her underwear wrestled forcibly from her person. While she just had two hands, they had many and Sakura was soon subdued sans panties and bra. She shrieked when the first cold spray hit her calf and looked down to see a woman with a can in her hand.

"Stand still or you'll look like a very tan Zebra," she mumbled around the cigarette hanging from the corner of her mouth as the freezing spray was applied to Sakura's skin followed by the scorching heat of a blow dryer to evenly and quickly set the stain.

Her hair, during this torture, was brushed and teased and greased and de greased with every imaginable product and glue going in. The effect was….poofy. There was no other word she could use to describe it. Fortunately she was turned away from the horrifying image presented to her as she ineffectively tried to cover herself, that's when Make Up took over.

Makeup artists consider themselves just that…artists. Any canvas needs to start clean, so nearly a vat of foundation was air blasted onto her face. Followed by the careful and painstaking application of liner and then false eyelashes. Sakura blinked and contorted her face as she tried to settle the fakes into a more comfortable position as another person touched up her bottom eye with even darker liner. The mirror had been moved away at some point so Sakura could only imagine what monstrosities were happening to her face. She just looked surprised when indicated or made large O's with her lips, contorting her face into every conceivable position. She earned the wrath of the artists assistant by actually tearing up when the burning sensation from the eyeliner mixed with tears hit her cornea, she learned her lesson after that tirade and managed not to make such a faux pas again.

Sakura was finally given a robe once the stain had set and she was allowed to sit in a chair while the final touches were applied to her hair and face. The rack with her selection of clothing was brought up and picked over by an assistant who consulted with the executives, Mr. Hanaziki and the photographer. Sakura sat quietly while the finishing touches were done on her nails and toes; a beautiful French manicure. She tried to follow their conversation going on just out of earshot. When that failed, she tried asking about the other kunoichi who must have also been in this room but was ignored while they went about the business of making her beautiful.

"Ahhh Miss….Horono was it? We have finally chosen the perfect wardrobe for you, I hope you will like it. Mr. Yanuzo and I were inspired by one of your own shinobi while we were walking through your village." He held up the outfit that had been chosen for her and Sakura's mouth dropped in horror as she stared into the smiles directed her way as they took her gag reflex as surprised amazement she even forgot to correct the little man for forgetting her name again, would it be so hard to call her Sakura?Its not like her hair wasn't a constant reminder.

"Great! WARDROBE! We shoot in ten minutes!"

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Sakura ignored the pain in her back from the high heels, the uncomfortable grit of sand as it dug into the waist band of her bottoms and managed to invade every space possible. The only thing worse than sand is COLD sand. She was glad her nipples wouldn't show in most of the shots, they were embarrassingly…evident. This had only seemed to inspire the crew as lights and reflectors were placed to highlight her nipples to the best effect until it was determined that she should take her top off completely and just cover her breasts with her hands.

Sakura, fortunately, had very little room left in her life for modesty and she took each of these orders with aplomb as she rotated and contorted and rolled around in the cold sand and colder water. When the sun began to set and the light was gone, she was given a robe, a friendly handshake with thanks, and a small tote bag of cosmetics. With few well meant pointers from the makeup artist, who seemed to have taken her under his wing, she left.

She trooped to her hotel room tired, wet, cold, and hungry…apparently most models don't consider eating high on their list of priorities as every opportunity to hit the food table had been curtailed by someone needing her immediate attention. She ignored the strange looks shot her way by people who turned to look at her as she walked up the stairs and to her room. She shut the door behind her and collapsed on the bed rubbing a bit of sand between her fingertips. She kept finding it all over her body. She had no idea when she left Konoha last night after her shift that she would have such a hard day…makes her wish she had taken at least another day off to recover.

She headed to the bathroom and nearly gasped when she took a look at the woman in the mirror. She looked nothing like Haruno Sakura at all, she looked like…..like….like one of those girls you saw on the front of magazines. She blinked and admired the longer lashes and eyeshadow that made her normal eyes turn into big pools of sultry womanhood. The arched cheekbones and the hair that framed her face, falling around her shoulders in recently highlighted splendor.

_Do all models have to work this hard?_

Sakura had a new respect for women she had previously looked down on. She had been woken up to start her day at 4am, she had to be photographed in every sort of light, breaks and food were few and far between, not to mention having to deal with the constant cold and pushy manners of the crew. And she had only just now gotten back and it was nearing eleven at night! She stared hard at herself in the mirror before reluctantly turning on the shower. Sakura stepped in to wash away every change that had been wrought today.

She sighed as she got into bed, now sand free, and looked forward to her trip home tomorrow. She wasn't going to tell anyone about what she had done today and had just taken this weekend as a personal holiday. Maybe no one would even recognize her?

_Probably not_

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An: this was a fic i wrote for Lovelesslover for the pretty fanart she made for my story Ink me...i promised this too her a long time ago and i am SOOO horrible for taking so long. Originally this was supposed to be a one shot but this story is just too deliscious not to turn into a chapter...not many chapters but a few.

Anyways you might not be able to pay me money but you will have to pay me with reviews! Yes thats right it gets funnier and that kinda funniness dosnt come cheap!

Anyone who wants a reply to their review please add your email and i will be happy to send you a reply. I like that its fun.


	2. Obsessions

Illustrations of you

Chapter 2

Obsessions

There were few things in life Kakashi really looked forward to, presents had lost their allure early on and surprises were just not good for a ninja. That left him Icha Icha, and Jiraiya had become more cunning in stringing along his readers. He had started to hide chapters of his infamous stories in the most obscure of places. Kakashi had to remain on constant guard against his favorite writer's tricky ways.

Kakashi woke that morning at Six A.M. with eyes wide open. He didn't even have to wait for the alarm clock to go off before he was in and out of the shower and throwing on his clothes for the day. He whistled as he locked the door ten minutes later and practically skipped down the steps and into the road waving and greeting every person he passed with unseemly enthusiasm for such an early hour. He patted his pockets checking for all the necessities he would need to get through the day- Icha Icha in the back pouch and an emergency copy inside his vest pocket, headphones tucked behind his ears just in case Naruto got to loud, weapons, exploding tags, keys, and of course, wallet with the appropriate amount of money. No skimping for him today! He would actually buy it this time!

He walked up to the local magazine stand and pushed his way through the crowd standing around. Just as he reached the outer ring of the crowd the gate was thrown up and the wild pushing began to start. Rather then become road kill, Kakashi decided to sit back and wait for the surging crowd to pass. Standing back and closing his eyes, he waited for his turn. When it seemed the last guy had been turned away he walked up to the counter and stared up into the slightly wild eyes of the disheveled clerk.

"The new Issue of Shinobi Illustrated please," he tapped the counter and reached for his wallet stopping when he noticed the clerk wasn't moving.

"Eh sorry Kakashi…I just sold the last one." Kakashi thought he might have something crazy in his ear and he reached up to make sure he hadn't put in his headphones.

"I'm sorry?" He pulled his finger out of his ear and leaned forward to make sure that he heard the correct answer this time.

"We…are all sold out Kakashi…sorry."

Kakashi stood back and stared at the poor clerk for a while before he turned away without a word. He pushed his hands into his pockets and headed in the direction of the local bookstore. He was greeted with the same answer at the door. Kakashi started to get that itchy feeling on the back of his neck and he considered the possibility that there might not BE one left for him.

By the time he reached the third news stand that was sold out, he was in a real panic and facing the prospect of the next two weeks Icha Icha-less while he waited for a back issue to come in. Just then his ears pricked and he stopped mid step when he over heard a whispered conversation.

"Yea…heard they have just two copies left over at Genard's book stand a couple blocks over."

The two whisperers looked around and spotted Kakashi staring right at them. Each took stock of the other and looked in the direction of the book stand. Tension rose as they continued to stare each other down. Suddenly with a flash they were off racing across the rooftops. Kakashi didn't even have time to transport he just ran as fast as he possibly could. When luck put him on the same rooftop as one of the conspirators, he pushed the poor bastard off and laughed while he raced ahead.

Kakashi leapt and bounded around obstacles in his mad dash and was just in sight of the book stand when he felt the world slip from under his feet. Pulling him up by the ankles and leaving him hanging from a sign. The trap didn't stop him for long though as he used his momentum to swing loose and fall on top of his pursuer, knocking him flat.

He raced up to the news stand and breathlessly hit the counter, staring up pleadingly into the eyes of the old man sitting behind the counter reading his own issue of Shinobi Illustrated. Kakashi stared longingly at the back cover and felt the other guy come up beside him.

"Do you have the new Shinobi Illustrated?!" they both shouted at the same time. Kakashi turned and glared at the other guy, reaching for his kunai, just in case.

"Nope sold the last one just a minute ago," the old man carefully turned the page and gazed longingly at Miss Suna as she lay out in the desert sun wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini and fishnets.

Kakashi felt like beating the man over the head with a shovel. He glared up at the man and contemplated for a moment just taking his edition. That's when he noticed the three shuriken griped in the other hand of the old man and the cudgel under the table. It was already too late for the younger Shinobi beside him who had not paid attention to the warning signs and had lunged across the table in a desperate attempt to reach the beautiful glossy pages.

Kakashi walked away defeated as he listened to the scuffle in the background, followed by cries of help from the younger man. He felt a surge of helplessness pass over his body as he stared up at the unforgiving sun,

_Was there something else he was supposed to do today? It didn't matter… only Icha Icha mattered._

Suddenly determined, he clenched his fist not caring that he was blocking traffic, he swore then and there that he would not go without reading his precious Icha Icha today. No he would not give up! There was nothing and no one who could separate him from Icha Icha! Kakashi hopped on a rooftop and slipped away.

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"So how long do we actually wait until he gets here?" Sasuke asked Naruto as he, Naruto, and Sai lay around a tree reading the latest news stand trash. Sai kept licking the pages of his magazine for some reason but he was weird enough that Sasuke decided not to take any more notice as he lay out the newest weapons order catalog. _Ooo if you buy the 75 piece kunai set you got the box of shuriken for free._

"Eh, we'll leave as soon as I'm done reading…man, I was up at four A.M. to get this issue of Shinobi Illustrated for Kakashi sensei…hmm, but it looks like he already got a copy." He laughed as he turned to Sai. "I wouldn't expect to see him for the rest of the day. Right Sai?"

"Mmmmmm...MMM...yea, mmm...sure." Sai commented as he continued to lick the pages, "Hey Naruto, did you know you can see the edge of her nipple? Tasty."

"Man people are going to think those pages are wet for totally the wrong reason." Naruto laughed hysterically and rolled over onto his back, waiting for a Team Leader who would never show.

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Sakura peeked carefully around the corner, her breath coming in sharp heaves. She took off her forehead protector and used the reflecting metal to view around the corner but quickly ducked back when she saw her foe waiting for her. She had snuck out the back window this morning but that had turned out to be a disaster. Now her windows were watched and going through him was the only way she could get back into her apartment. Sakura stood up and restlessly straightened her work-out clothes as she inched around the corner and into the open arms of her enemy.

"Cherie! You are finally here!" He said with a heavy french accent, his chocolate eyes batting at her with heavy liner and shadow glaring at her in the face. "It ez your debut yes? Yet here you look so frumpy! Zis we never do!"

He grabbed her by the shoulders bustling her into her apartment, not accepting any of Sakura's protests as he slammed her down into a kitchen chair, grabbed her chin, and snapped his fingers at his assistant.

"Harro Pierre," she mumbled around smooshed lips as he pinched her face into a pout.

"Ahhh! You remember Pierre! Zis is wonderful, you know…so many…so many of zes women never remembers me…. ze…ze are heartless no? But not my Sakura!"

The man had gone from happy to depressed to nearly crying to ecstatic in minutes…_she ought to introduce him to Gai…they might blow each other up._

She was ordered into the shower and not even allowed to close the door as hands came in to help her wash her hair. Sakura turned and started smacking them until they went away. She squeaked and turned her face into the spray reaching for a towel as her eyes filled with soap, burning painfully. She was then yanked out of the shower and dried off by the assistant as Pierre attacked her hair with the blow-dryer. Taking out his comb, he starting the whole teasing process that had taken her two days to comb out the last time.

Every time she started to protest Pierre's eyes would tear up and he would thank her for being so much nicer then those other cows. Sakura would give in, hoping to just have enough time to take most of it off before her shift started. It was bad enough that from the moment she left home she had been followed. She never saw her pursuers but she had known they were there. When she had gone jogging there had been a huge crowd of joggers that seemed to follow her every place she went. Sakura had even run up and down the stairs to the monument and they had decided to as well. It had been funny, obviously this had been the first time some of them had run in a while.

She grimaced as her eyelid was pulled tight and poked and prodded with the eye liner pencil. She sighed as she imagined what it was going to look like when she tried to wipe it off.

"Zis makeup is waterproof yes, so tonight I will drop off the remover for you."

She stared at him in shock as she realized the sneaky bastard had known what she was thinking and had totally blocked her. She glared at him as a light stripe of blush was blasted onto her face by his portable air brush, a nice shade of peach that she admired for a moment before glaring at him again.

"Sneaky bastard" she whispered at him sinisterly. He just smiled at her lovingly as he gently touched the shadow brush to her eyelid.

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Sakura huffed as she tried to pull her top over her suddenly bouncy and wavy hair. She had finally allowed it to grow to shoulder length but she had never counted on anyone teasing and curling it so it bounced and waved, tangling in her face. Especially in her now much longer eyelashes…you have never really had fun until you try to untangle your hair from your eyelashes. Fun times…oh yes fun times.

She locked her door and trudged to work making sure not to ignore that niggling feeling of being watched from afar. As Sakura reached the bottom steps of the hospital, she looked up to find the edifice covered in what appeared to be every man in Konoha, all of them staring at her with shock and a little awe. She stuttered to a stop and stared back. In a rush they came running down the steps and she backed up in fear, gaping as she heard her name roared from hundreds of voices.

"Sakura chan!"

She put her hands over her ears as they came closer and closer, yelling at them to stop. Before she knew it she was in the middle of the crowd, having papers and pens and magazines shoved into her face.

"Sakura san! Sign my copy!"

"Please Sakura chan, I have loved you for so long! Please go out with me!"

"Autograph please!"

"Wow! Did you know we could see your nipple?"

Sakura was pushed this way and that by the crowd as she ducked and dodged papers shoved into her face. At the last moment, she grabbed one of the infamous issues and stared at the picture. _It was…. Oh gods, it was awful. _

She lay in the sand tangled up in cut-off jeans half unbuttoned and barely covering anything, her hands covering her breasts…barely. _Not very well it would seem 'cause you really could see her right nipple._

A look of utter seduction on her face as she stared into the camera, enticing every man to try his luck. She had seen that look before, she knew it too well. It was the same look given by courtesans and especially good whores. She groaned as she realized that with Konoha having been picked for the cover she would have at least three pictures inside. She resolutely turned to the next page, cringing.

Oh yea…it was as bad as she thought it would be. No, it was worse than she could have possibly imagined. Oh yes, they had gone there.

Sakura had thought that they would take one look at the pictures and throw them away as useless but they had done just the opposite, the crazy bastards. Standing there in the middle of the page, one arm covering her breasts while gripping a kunai, and the other holding her hip and two shuriken, her lips in a sexy yet haughty pout, was Sakura…in green spandex. Well it wasn't that bad, most of the green spandex had been cut off and hung from her in strategically sexy strips. It left very little to the imagination with her headband acting as the only cover over her sex, leaving just enough green to lift and separate her breasts and cover the very tops of her thighs. Bare legs lead all the way down to Gawd Awful orange leg warmers and very sexy heels. She had liked the heels, it was a nice touch, but the rest!

She groaned and turned the next page but it was just as bad…. the little shorts were back. Sakura was holding her bikini top in place and staring over her shoulder with a come hither smile. She snapped the magazine shut and glared at all the men standing around staring at her, their arms poised above the heads of others as they waited for her to fulfill their every desire like the pictures in the magazine had promised. Starting to panic, she did the only thing she could, she threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared into the crowd, making a run for it.

She could hear the pounding of feet in hot pursuit as she rounded a corner and ran smack dab into Kakashi sensei as he rounded the corner at the same time. They both jumped back, narrowly avoiding slamming into each other. They panted for a second then ran full tilt in opposite directions.

Sakura ran down the road and grabbed a street sign, flipping onto a roof top but she was cut off. They had thought ahead and were waiting for her on the rooftops, coming up fast.

"Please go out with me! I will take you anywhere you want!" One screamed as his neighbor tripped him, forcing him to fall flat on his face.

"I will take you where you never thought you wanted to go…and you can order the lobster!" His companion yelled as he jumped over his buddy and chased her down.

She screamed and hit the dirt running. Jumping from rooftop to rooftop, nearly tripping and falling into their clutching arms. It was the ultimate test of her skills; being chased down by a screaming horde of Shinobi as they used every trick they had to take her to ground. She dodged traps, ropes, and genjutsu in her mad flight. Sakura tried to find somewhere, anywhere, that she could stop and think or find a place to go instead of running around aimlessly.

In an alley ahead of her, she saw the familiar faces of Izumo and Kotetsu as they wildly gestured her into their hidey-hole and she smiled, thankfully. They yanked her in by her arms, ducked into an alcove hiding her with their bodies, and pulled up a sheet illusion as the horde ran past.

When she felt that they were finally safe she let out a sigh of relief and slumped, pressing her head onto their backs.

"Thanks guys I don't know what I would have done without you." _Ahhh, Kotetsu and Izumo. They were such nice guys, always there to help her with heavy books or distract Tsunade when she wanted to get off early._

She looked up as she felt them shift and she stared right into that wretched front cover of Shinobi Illustrated with a partial shot of her on the front looking sexy and gorgeous and SO not like her! She wasn't sexy and gorgeous! These guys knew that! But the high blush staining their cheeks and the heavy breathing clued her into the fact that they had cleverly trapped her into an alcove with no exits and the fevered burning eyes of two fan boys.

"Uh Sakura chan…I- I mean, we would really like it if you would sign our copies…Please…OH gods! Don't hit us!" They ducked and nearly screamed like girls when she made a fist.

"Fine give me the damn things! Ah, do either of you have a pen?" She asked when she realized that she couldn't just spit on the damn magazines.

They looked at each other in horror and started patting all their pockets, franticly looking for that elusive pen. Nearly crying when they realized there was none to be had. Just as they started to look all over the ground for anything to write with, Sakura heard the first sounds of the returning horde as they called out to each other searching every nook and cranny for her. She only had a couple minutes if she wanted to get away, she shoved the magazines back into their arms. Breaking their hold, she burst out of hiding and ran back the way she came.

"Sakura! I know this isn't the best time, but will you go out on a date with me?" Izumo shouted after her fleeing form but all he got was the finger and Kotetsu smacking him on the top of the head.

"I thought we agreed that we would ask together! Idiot!" Their shoulders slumped and together, they shuffled past the mob with a mission to buy as many pens as they could find.

XXXXXXXXXxxxXXXXXXXXxxx

Kakashi was having a bad day. Not only had he not yet gotten a copy Of Icha Icha, but he had been smacked, tripped, and elbowed in the face. He adjusted the tissue hanging from his nose making sure that it was staunching all the bleeding as he sat dejectedly on the park bench watching every man who passed him toting his precious issue of S.I. One guy had even been licking his and THAT had confused Kakashi to no end…

maybe it had a flavor strip…something like scratch and sniff but unlike grape and strawberry it would be Beer and nachos….mmm beer flavored nipple. That's the kind of genius that made Jiraiya sama stand out above the rest and what made being his number one fan a plus.

He sat up slamming his clenched fist into his hand, he HAD to find out what the nipples tasted like! If it was a flavored Icha Icha then he should not be the only guy to miss out on it. Which is why he had to find a new copy…no sense in getting one another guy had used that was just…wrong.

Kakashi stood up with his vigor renewed and headed off to the drug store to buy a map of the town. Moments later he found a park bench, laid out the map, and with a pen he studiously marked every bookstore, drugstore, supermarket, and news stand where his precious issue might be found. He covered every alley and side street using his remarkable mind to bring up images of each street and their corresponding shops and vendors marking a line through every place he had already visited today. He ignored the shouting and riot sounds coming up behind him until he looked up to see Sakura fleeing from what seemed to be every Shinobi in town; young and old, running quickly behind her.

He waved as she raced past a wild look in her eyes but Kakashi didn't have time to wonder what was going on, he had a mission! '_First stop to go back to my regular seller and try to get any scrap of info out of him that I can find. Then step two, visit and interrogate every media outlet I can find until I track down my own copy! No one will stand in my way!'_

XXXXXXXXxxxXXXXXXXXX

Sakura collapsed across from the Hokage's desk in exhaustion. She didn't know why she hadn't thought of it before…no man would dare follow her into here for fear of Tsunade sama's eternal wrath.

Sakura held up her hand when she saw Tsunade's mouth open and she continued to gasp and sputter on the floor in front of her while Shizune covered her mouth with her hand obviously trying not to smile and ruin Sakura's day even more.

"Well I suppose now you see why I never posed for that trash rag?" This said with a raised eyebrow and an evil glint to her eye as she knowingly smirked at the human puddle on the floor.

"Some girl tried to pull my hair out when I wasn't being chased. People were trying to remove parts of my clothes when I wasn't being asked for an autograph, or asked on a date." She rubbed her head where some guy's girlfriend had jumped on her back and tried to pull her hair out by the roots.

It wasn't like she really wanted to know that the girlfriend had walked in on him jacking off to her picture while rubbing the exposed part of her nipple...gross. That had been Raido's girlfriend, she was sure of it and that was way more than anything she wanted to think about right now. Eeeew! Guys her sensei's age were wacking off to her pictureShe rolled over and buried her head in her arms as her face lit on fire.

They just laughed at her in amusement as Shizune came around the table and dumped a stack of papers in front of her, smiling all the while. "Well since your going to be here all afternoon…"

She just grinned when Sakura scowled at her then grabbed up the stack and went to the fold up desk in the corner, filing the mission reports from the last month. Tsunade gracefully went over to the door and threw it open spilling several young men and some older men, who should know better, onto the carpet at her feet.

"What the hell is wrong with you guys!? You people don't seem to have enough work to do, do you?" She glared evilly as she started reaching for the packet of missions. Men started clearing out of the way faster then cockroaches when the lights go on. "Any man caught lingering outside this door will be put to work!" With that last evil proclamation she slammed the door shut paying to attention to the yelping as several body parts were caught in the way.

"Well that lets you off the hook as long as you stay in here. Of course, going outside, well, that's a different story." She chuckled to herself as Sakura grumbled under her breath slamming around files and cussing when several dropped off the rickety table.

XXXXXXXXXxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXX

Kakashi walked with his head down, the tattered remains of a map clutched in his fingers as he talked under his breath to himself, causing the people he passed to give him strange looks that he only ignored.

"All sold out…how can they all be sold out? Not a damn one to be found…not one….oh gods there aren't any!" he lifted his hand up to his face and started to sob but quickly wiped his eyes when the vendors began muttering behind their hands. His ears remained perked for any sort of information that might slip his way and he stopped he heard just the thing he had been looking for.

"Thank you! I am so glad you had a copy, I actually had to look at three places! Can you believe that? If you ask me this is the company's fault for not anticipating supply and demand and shipping out more copies (Kakashi couldn't agree more). My grandson asked me to get this, he is going to be so happy when he gets back from his mission." The little old lady handed the clerk her payment in coins before tucking her large purse under her shoulder, settling the precious magazine just so.

The little old lady walked away, turning down L street and Kakashi turned a Gimlit eye towards her and followed. He watched as she entered the grocery store and waited patiently outside as she did her nightly shopping. When she came out carrying two bags Kakashi knew he had his chance.

"Excuse me mam, but can I help you carry that home? Those bags look awfully heavy." He smiled at her and tried not to let his horrible intentions shine through.

"Ah no, I'll be fine. Thank you for offering though." she sniffed and turned away.

Kakashi gripped his fist and watched as she walked down the street. He jumped onto a rooftop and got ahead of her. When she came along side the building he sprang forward and grabbed her purse.

"Help! Help! Thief! Thief! Rape!" the little old lady started screaming at the top of her lungs, beating him over the head.

Her bags spilled eggs and vegetables all over the road as he desperately tried to grab the magazine without having to take the whole purse. He tore her purse strap and took the magazine still wrapped in the plastic sheet as she picked up a piece of celary and started using it to wack him in the face . He quickly ran away before he could be pursued, leaving the little old lady standing there cussing at him and screaming that some pervert had just tried to rape her to everyone who stopped to help. He turned just as she started to beat some young man on the top of the head as he tried to help her gather her groceries.

"Like I would have raped her…" Just as he said that Kakashi realized that he was a bad bad man. He had just mugged a helpless little old lady for a magazine.

_OH Gods, he was obsessed. But……it's a special edition!_

Kakashi quickly made his way home and slammed the door shut behind him. Allowing himself a happy grin, he tore through the magazine to the exact spot…he had memorized the page number. As his eyes hungrily ate up the words and pictures, he fell back on his bed in relief.

His day was finally over.

XXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxXXXXXXXXX

Sakura looked around corners while creeping from corridor to corridor, trying to break free of Hokage tower and avoid the men still lingering hoping to catch a glimpse of her…they were probably lying in wait in front of the hospital and her apartment too…

'Oh Gods what if one of them has broken in to my place?' she imagined hordes of men searching through her things, fingering her bras and sniffing her panties…'EEK!'

She broke off that terrifying thought and just concentrated on getting out of the building, racing from one shadow to the next. She felt a strong presence behind her before she heard him. It was the only warning she had before she felt his hot breath on the back of her neck. She jumped away and turned around coming face to face with her pursuer who was none other than…

"Genma senpai, how are you? Is there something I can help you with?"

He just smirked at her and moved that annoying senbon from one side of his mouth to the other. He was wearing his jounin vest but for some reason, he had no shirt on underneath, leaving most of his chest bare. Which seemed kinda dumb to her but ok, it was no worse than what some kunoichi wore.

"I'm glad you asked! You see, I have this outfit that I had bought for a woman that I really admire but it seems she has moved out of town. But as it turns out, it's JUST your size. So I thought you might like to have it."

He pulled out a little outfit he had been hiding behind his back. It was...oh gods, it was covered in ruffles. Sakura realized it would barely cover the tops of her thighs before belling out to show whatever she was wearing underneath. Then she saw the hanger underneath where the garters and the matching pink panties hung and even on the underwear there were…so…so many ruffles! 'Who knew you could put so many ruffles on a thong?'

She stared in horror at the monstrosity being shoved into her face and reached around ruffles to hit him; taking out all of her frustrations from the whole day.

"Baka! Like I would wear something like that!" She stomped off in a huff ignoring Genma's groans of pain as he rubbed his forehead, which had hit the ground when she smacked the back of his head.

She girded her loins, crouching down in a runners stance and then making a break for the front door, hearing the shouts that followed behind her…..it was going to be a long night.

XXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxXXXXXXXXX

Kakashi dropped the tissues into the trash can and set the lotion back into the side drawer as he flopped back on his back in the bed. He tried not to think about mugging little old ladies and instead thought back on the wonderful masterpiece that had been worth the whole day's adventure.

He got up and reached for the plastic sleeves he had just for this occasion and taking his kunai, he carefully cut out the manga pages, making sure to include the short article in the back. There had unfortunately been no tasting strips but it was defiantly something he, as the captain of Jiraiya's fan club, felt obligated to mention. Anyone could see the appeal of it. Slipping the loose pages into the sleeves, he placed them lovingly in the binder he had started five years ago when Jiraiya started posting in Shinobi Illustrated. Placing the binder back in its place of honor on his shelf, he picked up the magazine and threw the rest of it in the trash before flicking off the light and rolling over into the peaceful sleep of the damned and loving it.


	3. Don't mess with Kakashi

A little note on Shinobi Illustrated:

Much like Sports Illustrated, it's a magazine that is published and distributed throughout the shinobi world. So each year when the Women with Kunai issue is released (much like the swimsuit issue of SI), a woman from each Hidden village is featured but in each special issue one village is chosen for the cover. It just so happens that Konoha has been chosen for this year…which is why every guy is mad to get an issue.

Now Jiraiya is a very enterprising man, and he realized he would get a wider fan base if he were to put a Special Issue Only story inside each time the Women with Kunai issue came out. He's been doing it for about five years now so collectors are mad to continue the story. (Kakashi)

Anyways, I think that should have cleared up a lot.

Illustrations of You

Chapter three: Don't mess with Kakashi

Kakashi rolled out of bed, turned, and lovingly squinted at his bookcase where all his most precious memories resided. He thought about his day yesterday and he resolutely decided to lock it away in Those Things Which Must Never Be Thought Of Again. Some bad days were just too horrible. A happy glint entered when he looked at the binder…ahh, he would have to re-read the chapter tonight when he got home

As he showered, he thought about the boys, who he had just remembered, that had been waiting for him all day yesterday…well probably not all day. Ok, he would be extra nice to them in training today to make up for it

Kakashi smiled happily to himself as he grabbed the mission report off the table that he was supposed to have turned in a week ago and headed for headquarters…._mmm_ he was supposed to meet Naruto, Sai, and Sasuke in fifteen minutes…that should be enough time He took the window and hit the street heading off towards Headquarters.

Throwing the mission report on the front desk and smiling benignly at the aggravated clerk, he headed upstairs to the break room to see if he could get a cup of coffee. Maybe a doughnut before they were all gone…ahhh it was nice to be a Jounin. Free doughnuts and all.

He entered the room upstairs and took no notice of the surprised glances thrown his way as every man in the room looked up from their reading material…all except Taeichi and Genma who remained crouch over theirs quietly talking to one another. Kakashi walked over to the coffee pot picking up one of the plastic cups and pouring the piping hot brew of life….Ah he remembered fondly when his students became Jounin and figured out just why he was always late. It was because he sat in the break room eating doughnuts and having coffee while socializing and reading. They had been scandalized, but had fortunately waited to tell the others until they had passed as well. It had been great fun

Kakashi reached for the creamer and sugar in the rack below the bulletin board and froze. His eye locked onto the image that had been pasted all across the wall, several times, in several different poses. There had never in his life been a time when he had felt this particular type of burning heat rising up from his stomach and encompassing his whole body. He carefully studied each photo, of which there were many, paying particular attention to the green one his eye roving over the board with disbelief. Now where…

And then he knew.

All the facts from yesterday came together. Every man wanting a copy, Sakura running away from something every time he saw her…and then there had been what she had been wearing when they nearly crashed into each other. He had honestly thought it had been a genjutsu and part of her attire but now, now he knew differently. Kakashi slowly turned to look at the men sitting behind him, his vertebrae making creaking cracking noises as they broke free of their stasis he dropped the now crushed cup onto the floor paying no attention to the hot coffee that had splashed everywhere. He stared at every man sitting around the room reading…. reading…THAT!

"Put…those…down." he emphasized every word with precise clarity making sure that he was clearly getting his point across. But some men were just dumb, he would later decide, as they just stared back at him in shock. "I said put them down NOW!"

The last was said in a roar as Kakashi lost any and all sense, turning on the men in a flash, and ripping the filthy magazines from their grasp. Men ran in fear as he started tearing down the pictures from the wall, burning each one and throwing the ashes in the trashcan. Genma and Taeichi gaped at him. When Kakashi went to take Genma's copy he protested and moved away.

"Hell no man I paid nearly twenty bucks for this thing!" Genma protectively cuddled his coveted Issue and glared back at the man who had suddenly become a fire breathing dragon in front of him. Kakashi just held out his hand while the other reached into his pouch prepared to take even his best friend on.

"Give it now!"

"No!"

Genma knew retreat was the better part of valor. Looking behind him to distract Kakashi for a few necessary seconds, he absconded out the door and out of the wrath of the copy nin. Kakashi just simply wouldn't play that game and he cussed as he barely missed Genma's head with the still full coffee pot, he tore after Genma, intent on chasing down his prey. He followed the flight of his former friend and barely noticed as he threw people bodily out his way, tearing issues from their hands as he saw them. He came to a closed door and kicked it open as he entered the room. People looked up in surprise as Kakashi appeared without warning, glaring at all of them.

"Listen. Pay Attention. And Tell Your Friends…I will personally dismember and kill any person I find reading, talking or even THINKING about Shinobi Illustrated or Sakura Haruno." His voice nearly shook the rafters.

Kakashi turned and slammed out of the room and paid no mind to the door as it fell to the ground behind him, nearly shattered, the hinges warped.

XXXXXXXXXXXxxxxXXXXXXXXXX

Sakura had not been having a good morning, there was no place she could go where people weren't waiting for her. She had not been forced to wear that stupid make-up today, but she could confess to maybe not taking off as much of it from yesterday as she should. So what if her eyelashes were just a tad bit longer then normal and she was wearing some blush and eyeliner? No one would even notice after yesterday.

She had been banned from the hospital after every one of her male patients had leered at her and tried groping under her lab coat. Her more capable admirers had taken to ambushing her in the corridors causing plenty of havoc with the staff, enough that the administrator had ordered her off the floor, and to report back to Tsunade for more busy work. Now she stared at the hospital doors where two ANBU members had been posted in order to keep the majority of the horde out. This had caused problems as well, with ninja giving themselves minor injuries…like broken fingers and stubbed toes in order to get past the ANBU.

"Is there any way you guys could, you know?" she made shooing motions with her hands only to hear snorts from the two.

"I value my life, thank you. We'll throw down a smoke bomb so you can get a head start though." The one on the right stated as he reached into his back pouch.

"No, that's ok. I've been using smoke bombs too much and they've caught on to me." She checked her pouches and tightened her shoes. That whole thing with one of her sandals coming off yesterday had caused a lot of problems.

She forged ahead into the crowd, pushing her way with her elbows up. Sakura grabbed issues and signed them with one of the three pens she now carried at all times. Snapping at hands that got too close as she resolutely forced her way to the front. But that's when things started to go wrong…above the roar of people asking for her autograph, she could hear something. She shushed those around her as she placed a hand to her ear trying to listen. The crowd started to quiet when they noticed her actions and that's when she really got a good sense of what was being said.

"Haruno Sakura! You come talk to me RIGHT NOW!"

Sakura looked over the crowd surrounding her just in time to see bodies start flying as her former sensei made a path to her…man he was much better at that then she was She realized that the Sharingan was uncovered and she recognized the mad glint in his eyes. She watched as he chopped down men like they were cordwood, flinging them around as if they weighed nothing, and cutting a direct path right for her.

Sakura had always been praised for her intelligence and right now intelligence said to stop and face the music…there wasn't anything that horrible that he could do to her. But the primitive part of her brain was talking too and it said that a rampaging animal was coming right for her. At that moment, that was the voice she listened to. Sakura crawled over the heads of the people around her, ignoring the grunts of pain as she pushed her feet and elbows into soft squishy body parts. Seeing that Sakura was getting away, Kakashi put his head down and bulldozed straight through the crowd. Leaving a wreckage of body parts and rubble.

She hit the edge of the crowd and ran like she had never run before, '_where should I go? Naruto? No, he would give me away just to see what happens. Sasuke? No, he's still pretty bitter about the breakup, he would be just as upset at what she had done. Sai? Not even worth thinking about. Tsunade! Tsunade will help me just like she did yesterday!'_

She raced from building to building, pay no attention to the collapse of buildings behind her and the screams of terror as Kakashi turned on the crowd, enraged that his quarry had gotten away. The two ANBU just watched, amused. They had more then enough things to worry about, they weren't about to try to stop Kakashi. As one, they turned away and heading back to their headquarters.

When there was no one left around him but the unconscious, Kakashi took a moment to contemplate where his prey would be going next. He sat down on a piece of fallen plaster amidst the wreakage of bodies and rubble. How would he outwit Sakura? Where would she hide? He sat with his fist on his chin thinking until the answer came to him, 'That's where! Now, what to do_…' _Kakashi stared at his feet, thinking. There was a groan from someone beside him and he absentmindedly kicked the body. "This town if full of God damn perverts."

Decision made, Kakashi stood up and turned towards Hokage tower. Instead of following after Sakura, he transported. He WOULD run her down and they WOULD have a little chat about what sorts of pictures and magazines she decided to pose for from this day forward.

XXXXXXXxxxXXXXXXX

Sakura paused to pant with her hands on her knees, trying to avoid that whole need to throw up feeling. She looked behind her and then checked all sides to make sure the coast was clear. Suddenly, she felt a cold chill pass over her body and she shivered, hugging herself with her arms while she waited for the feeling to pass.

XXXXXXXxxxXXXXXXXX

"Well I'm glad to hear you're on my side…so we have a deal? Good. I'm glad to hear it. Just tell them that I will be waiting in the jounin break room once you're done."

As the man left Kakashi smiled evilly…it was always better to work smart…never hard, that was first and foremost Kakashi's motto.

XXXXXXXxxxxXXXXXXXX

"Well hello there Sakura chan." she heard the drawling voice behind her and she cringed as she stopped, refusing to turn around.

"Hello Genma." she ground out between gritted teeth.

"Whaaat? No Senpai today? Have I really fallen so low in your eyes?" She spun around but her mouth fell open in shock when she got a good look at his face. It was bruised all down one side and his right eye was nearly swollen shut.

"Oh my god, what happened to you? You look like you got run over by a bus!" She exclaimed in shock, stepping back when he smiled at her showing what was obviously a loose tooth.

"Oh Sakura chan, do you think you can heal me? My head hurts something awful. I have a mission at seven but I can't see out of my eye very well…I would be veeeery appreciative if you would help me out just a little. Pretty Please?" he whined in his best hurt little boy voice and Sakura couldn't ignore that even though she wanted to. She reached a hand to either side of his head but was stalled by Genma when he raised a hand.

"But Sakura, you know what would make me feel even better? If you did it while wearing…This!"

He pulled out yet another outfit from behind his back. This time it was a tiny pink nurse's outfit, cap and all, in a shade that would clash lovingly with her hair. The front was cut away so her bra would show and her boobs would sit right out in front, in a lacy display. Sakura screamed in rage and swung at him. Genma just grabbed her arm, pulled her around till he was hugging her from behind, and he put his face right next to hers.

"Sakura chan, don't you think I've suffered enough today? You don't even wanna KNOW where Kakashi put my favorite senbon! All because of you…it's the least you can do for me." He leaned over and kissed the side of her neck.

Sakura wasn't a kunoichi for nothing. She slammed her heel down on his instep, followed by an elbow to the gut. He released his hold on her and she escaped his grasping hands to race down the corridor. With one last corner to go before she reached the Hokage's office, she decided to gun it and took the corner going full tilt. Only to smack right into a brick wall. Sakura bounced back landing on her delicate ass and immediately started searching for whoever had left a brick wall in the middle of the hallway. She gasped as she looked up and ran her eyes up long black clad legs, large torso wrapped in a leather trench coat, all the way to that scarred face smiling down at her lovingly.

"Ibiki…"she squeaked soundlessly.

"Good to see you too babe" He reached down and grabbed her, throwing her over his shoulder before she could think to protest. "There's someone who wants to talk to you." He stated this with the finality of a death knell and all her protests went to waste. She knew how ineffectual it would be to protest…they had dated for almost a month. Throwing her over his shoulder had been a regular practice, but then it had been fun, not an act to inspire terror in her heart as she watched the Hokages door receding further and further into the distance.

"Please Ibiki! Please, I don't wanna go! Please please please…I havn't DONE anything wrong!" She kicked out, tried jerking herself away, but he just smacked her ass and kept going.

"Sorry love but I've got my orders it is always nice to repay old favors right Sakura chan? By the way, I loved those pictures of you. Maybe they would be interested in seeing the ones I took of you in that-"

"You promised you would never bring that up again!" She screeched, kicking harder and begged everyone they passed to help her. She got near enough to a door lintel to attach herself and she held on for dear life. Ibiki took a hold of her legs and pulled on her hips till the wood splintered under her fingers, throwing her back into his arms. He flipped her back over his shoulder.

Moments later, Ibiki seemed to reach the door he wanted and with a short knock he entered the darkened room. Sakura looked around as best she could and saw that one of the easy chairs had been placed in the middle of the room with someone sitting in it. Sakura squinted but he was in front of the window and completely in shadow…she had a good idea who it was. She started screaming as Ibiki dumped her on the floor and waving happily, slammed the door behind him.

As the door slammed Sakura went completely silent and sat facing the doorway, careful not to look behind her. The silence stretched out unbearably. The only noises were the ticking of a clock and the slight rat a tat tat as Kakashi drummed his fingers on the edge of the chair patiently waiting for her to break.

Ibiki had betrayed her, she had thought that they had ended on amicable terms two years ago but obviously they hadn't because he had betrayed her right into the hands of the enemy.

"Hello there Sakura chan….so good of you to stop by." Kakashi sounded just the slightest bit unhinged to Sakura and she fearfully checked the doors and windows for any escape but found none.

"Eh he he it's...uh nice to see you too, sensei…"

"Do you know how many issues of Shinobi Illustrated were released in Konoha alone? Well, do you?" before she could answer he cut her off, "Seven thousand. Yes that's right, twenty thousand copies and they sold out. There is not one newsstand that has a single copy left. The distributors are going crazy trying to print back issues and get them out because there are STILL people who don't have a copy…Oh yes that's right, I know that for sure."

He was totally freaking her out.

"And that's just in Konoha, that dosn't account for All the other hidden villages. And oh by the way, it's not just in the hidden villages but all the countries…Were you aware of that?"

Sakura could only nod as Kakashi leaned over, snapped on the light, and stood up to loom over her as she knelt on the floor. She gulped as she stared up into his eye waiting for him to...

"Kakashi! Sorry Kakashi, but you two need to report to the Hokage right now!"

Sakura turned and looked at Izumo standing in the door way. He looked straight at Kakashi, refusing to even look at Sakura sitting on the floor. Thank god, she had been saved right in the nick of time She had no idea what Kakashi had been about to do but she was sure that she wouldn't have liked it very much.

When she got up to leave, Sakura noticed something very weird about Izumo. She walked up to him and waved her hand in front of his face, he squeaked, looked at Kakashi, and ran away. Sakura shrugged and started after Kakashi, shrinking back when she saw him glaring at her over his shoulder.

XXXXXXXXXxxxXXXXX

Sai and Naruto were waiting for them when they entered the Hokage's office. Tsunade was sitting with her hands tented in front of her face. Naruto waved happily at Sakura and Sai licked his lips while staring at her chest hungrily. Until he looked up into Kakashi's face, then Sai just smiled happily back at him and turned to the Hokage.

"Right, now that you are all here, two of the former members from Akatsuki have been spotted just twenty miles outside of town leaving one of the bounty stations. I need all of you to go and capture them. Here is the mission scroll." Tsunade dismissed them.

XXXXXXxxxxXXXXXx

The silence was oppressive and no one made any move to lighten it in any way as they moved through the trees. Sai kept smiling at her, other than that, it was business as usual. Kakashi took the rear, keeping an eye on her to make sure she didn't get away from him, and the justice he would administer.

Within sight of the town, they crouched down in a hastily made blind and waited for their quarry to show itself. When they saw the duo leave town, Kakashi and Sakura followed close behind with Sai and Naruto heading forward to set up an ambush. With only a mile to the specified ambush site, Sakura and Kakashi let their presence be known, alerting their quarry and sparking them to run when they realized who was behind them. But as they say, expect to win but always make a plan B. Though they by passed the ambush site, the fugitives were easily chased down once they reached the forest. Sakura had raced through the underbrush, branches slapping against her tender flesh. She paid little attention to the small annoyance as Deidara and Tobi turned to confront their pursuers.

"Heh. Long time no see Kakashi, yeah." Deidara glared at them with his uncovered eye, a hand dropping into his pocket for his clay. Tobi stood prepared beside him, his hands loose at his sides, waiting to release his jutsu. They stared into each others eyes while Kakashi reached up and uncovered the Sharingan. Deidara smirked, taunting him. Sakura stepped into view drawing the eyes of Tobi but Deidara made sure not to lose sight of his real opponent standing across from him.

"You're right, it has been a long time. Where have you been since Akatsuki broke up Deidara?" Kakashi drawled as he sized up his opponent while trying to sense Naruto and Sai's presence.

"Oh here and there, you know, just getting by." Deidara shrugged.

"Deidara.." Tobi pulled on his arm insistently. Deidara shushed him but Tobi kept at it, gripping his coat in his hands, and pulling on the sleeve. Deidara knocked his hands off and pushed him away as Tobi tried to lean over to whisper in his ear.

"Dude get off yeah! What have I told you about touching me?" he snapped putting his hand up to stave off Tobi's protests.

Deidara pulled out his clay and opening his palm, allowed the mass to be absorbed as he brought his hand up into his first seal. Just then Tobi started forward, holding up his palm when Kakashi tensed, reaching for his shuriken.

"Sakura watch out!" Kakashi yelled as he noticed Tobi heading towards her. Sakura snapped her gloves into place, relaxing her stance she waited for her opponent to make his first move, ready to counterattack.

"Eh …your…your HER! Aren't you? I knew I recognized you!" Tobi reached into his coat and pulled out the now hated issue of Shinobi Illustrated. "Will you please sign my copy?!" Tobi asked in a rush staring adoringly at Sakura as her hands and jaw dropped.

Kakashi glared at Tobi, his eyes wild as he turned, ready to dismember him bit by bit.

"Oh shit!" Seeing the look in Kakashi's eye, Deidara grabbed Tobi by the back of his neck and ignoring his squeaks of protest, Deidara released his jutsu floating into the air. Dragging Tobi along behind him, still holding out his magazine and whining.

"Oh come on! She was right there! I'll NEVER get another opportunity to get her to sign it! Even you said she was hot you said you'd show a girl like her a good time even if she does have small tits."

Sakura heard this last part and shook her fist angrily in their direction "I wouldn't be so quick to talk! I know what you do with that mouth in your hand you sick freak!"

I mean really…what does a man with a mouth on his hand do? Masturbation AND oral sex, best of moth words, despite her apparent disgust Sakura had a mental drool moment as she imagined what a man could do with a technique like that. Head between her legs with his hand sucking her breast? Or…vice versa? Sakura snapped out of it and stared daggers at the two who just ignored her.

Kakashi started growling deep in his throat, watching as the S-class criminals got away. Not able to do anything else, he started cussing madly only to snap his head in her direction when she moved. At the same time, Naruto and Sai decided to make their appearance, having finally caught up with them when the ambush obviously didn't work.

"Hey Kakashi, what happened?" Naruto asked but was ignored as Kakashi continued to stare at Sakura, who was staring into the tress and whistling, looking anywhere but at him.

"This! This is why!" Kakashi poked his finger at her but she continued looking away, despite the fact that her cheeks were on fire.

After making a paltry attempt at pursuit, the team headed home. Everyone looking notably chagrined and not looking forward to handing in the mission report. They reached the gates and Sakura looked longingly towards home.

Just as she started to slink off she felt her hand grabbed. She was pulled along behind Kakashi, barely keeping up with his long strides. She stumbled behind him until they reached his apartment. He quickly opened the door and threw her inside. Sakura tumbled across the small room and landed against the bed. She flipped over onto her back and rocketed to her feet.

"How DARE you! What in the hell makes you think that what I do is Any of your business! You might have been my Sensei for a while when I was a kid but you aren't now. You're barely even my friend. More like an old acquaintance! So what the hell is wrong with you?" she yelled in his face, her fists clenched at her sides, and her breath came out in angry huffs.

Kakashi stared at her, mute, while Sakura poked her finger into his chest, letting her anger and frustration from the last two days wash over him. Kakashi knew of only two ways to shut up a screeching woman. One was to knock her unconscious, but the other…

"You wanna know what gives me the right to yell at you? I'll tell you" He ripped down his mask and stepping into her, he grabbed her neck, tilting her head back before slanting his lips across hers in a brutal kiss stopping her tirade mid sentence.

Sakura lifted her arms and started pounding on his back as he stole her breath. She let her hands raise, clawing at the back of his head, and gripping his hair in her two fists. Not realizing that she was pulling him in not pushing him away. Kakashi's hands came down under her thighs and picked her up, letting her wrap her legs around his waist as he invaded her mouth with his tongue. Falling onto the bed, Kakashi ground his hips down into Sakura's belly and she arched her back holding on tight.

"You're such a bastard" she gasped once he let up. Sakura reached up and bit his lip not letting up even when she tasted blood.

"You little bitch, what makes you think-" but he never finished as Sakura devoured his mouth clawing his back and gripping him tighter with her legs. He pushed her harder into the comforter with his hips and started ripping away the front of her vest. Popping the buttons and tangling zippers in his haste to reach the warm supple flesh of her breasts.

While he had waited for her, he had looked over every single one of those pictures, even the one with that God Awful green spandex. Noticing her beautiful soft looking skin and that teasing bit of pink nipple peeping out at him from between her fingers had tempted him beyond reason. He had even found himself stroking the glossy page imagining her looking at him with those sultry eyes.

Well, right now her eyes weren't really sexy more like hot and angry… he loved anger sex Kakashi felt himself being divested of his flak jacket as fingers found the skin under his shirt before raking his side with blunt nails, drawing thin lines of blood.

"Fuck you!" she gasped when he bit her neck.

"Oh I plan to honey. I'm gunna fuck you hard."

b 

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(Story Edited for Smutty Smutty Smut content...and knowing me you have to know thats pretty damn smutty. For full chapter please go to http:// naruto DOT adult fan fiction DOT net / story DOT php? no 600091050 & chapter3 As always please remove spaces or it wont work and remember content intended for ADULTS ONLY)

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b 

They lay there, not moving, and Kakashi began to feel badly about the way he had treated her. He gathered her hair off the back of her neck and kissed her warm nape as she still gasped for air. He stroked her hair lightly as he slumped to the side to keep from crushing her, gently pulling himself out of her slowly, giving her time to adjust.

"I should get up-" Sakura started to say.

"No, give it a moment." he kissed her collarbone as he moved onto his side, tucking her in with him. "I didn't hurt you too much, did I?" he solicitously asked, worried that he had gone to far.

"No, it was fine. I had never done…uh that, before." She admitted.

"Really? I thought after, you know, you dated Ibiki-" he said startled by her admission.

"Yea he wanted to but I would never let him. It always freaked me out when he started with the finger thing."

"And when I did it?" He asked her stroking her hair back away from her forehead.

"It was a bit different I guess, it wasn't as scary as when he did it" she shrugged not really comfortable with the vein of the conversation.

"So Sakura…were you aware in That Photo you can see your nipple?" He questioned with a raised eyebrow.

She giggled into her hand and smiled smugly "Yea." She laughed even harder when something else occurred to her that she hadn't thought of before.

"What is it?" he inquired coming up on his elbow to stare down at her.

" I just realized…Kiba, Naruto, and Chouji owe me A LOT of money!"

They both laughed uproariously when she told him the nature of the bet. Sakura remembered Ino telling her she never had the neighbors pound on the wall during sex.

"Who was that pounding on the wall?" she dreaded hearing the answer. Already cringing when she thought about the person who had heard Kakashi fucking her into the mattress.

"Genma lives on that side. You know, he'is such a hypocrite. It's usually me who is telling him to quiet it down." He smirked as he realized that his long dry spell was finally over…'_speaking of not being dry'._

"Would you like to take a shower?" he waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively as he rolled them together off the bed and carried her to the bathroom, when she assented.

It was going to be a fun night….the first of many if he had his way, Sakura obviously needed someone to make sure she behaved.

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Two days later…..

"Due to the massive amounts of damage to both personal and public property, not to mention the amount of work the hospital has been getting" at this Tsunade turned a Gimlet eye on the crowd. "The selling of the magazine known as Shinobi Illustrated will no longer be allowed within the walls of Konoha." Tsunade raised her hands as a roar of outrage swept the crowd.

"If you want you can go to another town and buy it there but it will no longer be allowed here. Also, anyone caught with a copy while on duty or even on work property will be heavily fined. This is ALL your fault! If you guys had behaved yourself this wouldn't have been necessary…did you know someone even raped a little old lady to get a copy? What's WRONG with you people? We will not speak of this again! If anyone even mentions Shinobi Illustrated in front of me I will smash a chair over their head." She nodded when she noticed the gaping faces surrounding her and turning on her heel she left the balcony.

And that's how Shinobi Illustrated got banned from Konoha, how every issue of the spring 2008 issue was lost under Kakashi's bed and why no man in Konoha will ever admit to having a secret stash of nearly naked pictures of Kakashi's girlfriend.


End file.
