Toska

**Toska - noun /ˈtō-skə/**

Russian word roughly translated as sadness, melancholia, lugubriousness. "

_ "No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom." ― Vladimir Nabokov_

Chapter 1: Sunrise

It was bitterly cold this January morning in upstate New York. Trees and houses alike were covered in snow and ice the bitter wind whistled in the early morning air. There was an ample amount of snow on the frozen field that the tall figure trudged through, his breath was labored. Small clouds of white steam left his mouth every time he took a step. He was an experienced runner but he felt the exhaustion and cold seep into his bones. His stubby face was red and wind burned, dark hair usually slicked neatly back was now messy and pieces of it hung in front of his grey eyes. A cut seeping blood could be seen just above his cheek. People would recognize him as someone to keep away from. The long black wool coat had stopped keeping him warm hours ago as well as his boots which were soaked with sea water from the fiasco at the docks. He stopped to catch his breath and looked down at the small bundle in his arms. Swaddled in as many blankets as he could find, the sleeping baby was barely visible for him to inspect. His steely eyes moved over her face and satisfied she was breathing and not frost bitten he turned his head to the sky. The sky was clear and some stars were still visible. The sun was only just beginning to rise, the world was still grey and white for now, his foot prints leading back off the field were the only indications of life he could see. They had been running for miles. He clenched his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering and listened for a moment and continued to survey their surroundings. He did not make it all this way to fail so close to the happy home that awaited the small bundle in his arms. The forest behind him was still and the field in front of him was desolate. The only sounds were the sound of his breathing and the wind rustling through the dead grass. Satisfied that they had not been followed he clutched the babe closer to him and pressed on towards the road he spied in the distance. _Not so long now milaya moya. _The man smiled down at the child as she began to stir. The poor thing, so far from mommy and daddy. "_Do not worry your new mummy n daddy will take good care of you_" He spoke in hushed Russian trying to comfort the fussy babe. Tears threated to spill from the man's eyes but he held them at bay. Picking up his pace the tall man cleared the rest of the expanse and clambered onto the road in a matter of minutes. He was ahead of schedule, which was good considering what had happened at the docks two hours earlier.. Everything was planned, from their departure to arrival, the men the ship, the family. Even the weather was accounted for but he did not count on _that_. A shiver passed through him and he shut his eyes briefly to force out the memories. He cradled the girl in the crook of an arm as he attempted to get the feeling back in his icy fingers. They were still tinged with blood. Perhaps he would make a more convincing back story for the child he mused. Sighing tiredly the tall man walked quickly towards the house in the distance, his boots crunching the icy gravel beneath him.

Arriving at the gatehouse stirred a slight sadness in the man. He had been here before and under different circumstances he would have admired the classical beauty of the estate. As of now though, he looked at the gates with disdain and sadness. Part of him did not to want to give her up to the wealthy American family even though rationally he knew she'd have a better life here, much better than any one of them (or all of them for that matter) could provide for the precious girl. As if sensing his thoughts the babe cooed softly. He tore his eyes away from the intimidating iron gates that marked the beginning of the Cabot's property and peered down at her face tenderly. Her bright blue eyes were open now, looking around and a wisp of white blonde hair had escaped from her pale pink hat she wore. She was probably hungry and definitely cold by now. His tender expression changed into a frown as the guilt welled up inside him, guilt for even entertaining the thought of keeping her, raising her as his own. He wouldn't, _couldn't_ betray her father by abandoning the mission he swore to complete. He blew out a puff of air and resignedly pushed the buzzer and paced attempting to stay warm. He hoped someone was awake at the gatehouse.

Mike enjoyed working for the Cabot's. They were kind people, if not a little distant sometimes. He didn't know much about them other than they were a very, very wealthy couple and worked in the city as important lawyers or doctors or something. He was invited for Sunday dinner a few times a month in the regal mansion the couple inhabited. It oozed class and old money but it held an undercurrent of loneliness. There were no kids, no pets and the couple didn't entertain many guests. The burly security guard didn't really care, all he cared about was getting paid to keep them safe and the Cabots paid very handsomely for him to work security around the clock, seven days a week unless otherwise specified. Truth be told he wasn't even there five days of the week because neither were the Cabots, always holed up in their respective offices only coming back to the house if it was absolutely necessary. It was a cake walk compared to his days as a cop in NYC. This morning though, Mike was glad he was there. It was only a quarter past six in the morning he was reading the newspaper and sipping coffee when he heard the buzz of the gate. _Not good. _He thought, as he set down his coffee mug and paper and looked at the black and white TV showing the footage of the gate. It showed a tall darkly dressed man holding something in his arms, pacing back and forth in front of the gate entrance pressing the button intermittently. _Not good at all. _ The security guard thought as he stretched and got up from his seat. As a retired cop, he took this job for easy money and minimal action. No weirdo's ever caused any problems only the occasional dumb kid. _Nothing like the city._ Strapping on his holster and adjusting his navy coat Mike made his way down to the gates, the Cabot's would be getting up and heading to work soon, better to clear this up fast. "Hey!" Mike shouted from a few feet behind the gate keeping a hand on his holstered gun just in case "What are you doing here?" The younger man jumped slightly and looked at Mike with startled eyes. He cleared his throat; "The Cabots? They live here?" He knew they did, he had been planning this day for months. He spoke hesitantly though, needing to convey insecurity, with a slight Russian accent. The security guards expression was unreadable, he didn't respond. The tall man swallowed and looked around before continuing "I need to see them!" He shouted shouted stepping closer to the iron gate. His shout disturbed the already unhappy baby in the bundle and she began to cry "Ah shhh shhh please my sweet." He began to rock back and forth slightly and hum a tune under his breath. The stocky security guard stepped closer, his dark eyes widening in surprise. _A baby? What in the hell is he doing here with a baby?_ It was barely above freezing, Mikes winter jacket, hat and gloves were keeping him warm but this man didn't have any. From the looks of it, they had been outside for some time. _With a baby. What is going on here? _ Momentarily stunned, Mike looked at the small child in the younger man's arms. Aware of the scrutiny the taller man spoke thickly; "My sister" He continued to rock the baby girl back and forth in one arm, he was letting the child teethe on to his finger "You have to help her, please." he said quietly not looking away from the bundle. The security guard nodded and said firmly; "Wait here." Something wasn't quite right with the stranger; he had noticed the blood and could tell that the man had a gun holstered at his ankle. _But the child…_ Stepping back he pulled the bulky walkie talkie from his belt and radioed the Cabot's keeping a critical eye on the strange Russian man.

"Mr Cabot?" Mikes deep voice cracked over the radio. Slightly startled, Alexander Cabot grabbed the device from the holder in the hallway on his way into the kitchen "Good morning Mike, is everything all right down there?"

_Ever polite_, Mike thought _even at 6 in the god damn morning._ "You need to come down here" he radioed back gruffly "Missus Cabot too." Coming in the kitchen after her husband Lilly Cabot raised an elegant eyebrow at the conversation between her husband and their security guard "The faster the better." He set the radio down on the marble counter and met his wife's eyes "What was that all about?" She asked. Lilly moved to the hallway and quickly got her coat and boots "I'm not sure." Alexander said coming to the hallway a few seconds later. "Are you sure you want to come? It's awfully cold out." He pulled on his gloves and looked at his wife for an answer. She smiled; her long blonde hair was tied up in a bun. The fashionable suit she wore was covered by her tan coat she stepped closer to him and gave him a kiss on his cheek "Of course! It might be important" Lilly said as she adjusted her ear muffs. "Besides, Mike said to and you know how Mike gets" she smiled. Alex nodded and smiled too, opening the large wooden door for her. The man took his job quite seriously for being stationed out in the boondocks.

"They're on their way" Mike said flatly putting his walkie talkie back in his belt. The stranger seemed to relax some; a hopeful look crossed his face. "In the meantime, want to tell me why you're out in the middle of nowhere in the winter with an infant?" The security guard walked closer to the gate, unlocking it eyeing the stranger skeptically, his hand still on his holster. He motioned for the man to come inside but made sure he knew to stay put. Commies were everywhere and this strange man had a Russian accent despite his attempts at hiding it. Mike didn't trust the stranger and fixed him with a glare. He didn't re lock the gate, in case he had to throw the man out. "I just want my sister to be safe" he said meeting the older man's eyes for the first time. His eyes were cold as cold and emotionless as the winter morning. _Dangerous_ Mike clenched his jaw. Before he could question the man further Alexander Cabot approached the men "What's going on here Mike?" Alex's brow was crinkled in confusion, his short dark hair slightly windblown. Behind him stood his wife with her arms wrapped around her thin frame, attempting to keep warm. Mike met his employers eyes "He just showed up, about ten fifteen minutes ago, started buzzing the bell so I figured I'd get him out of here but-" He was cut off by Mrs. Cabot

"Is that-" She asked softly looking intently at the stranger and the child he held.

"A little girl, he says it's his sister" Mike nodded finishing for her. Mr. Cabot looked just as skeptical as the guard felt. His dark eyes conveyed an instruction to Mike, who watched his employer approach the stranger. "Who are you?" Alexander addressed him in his best lawyer tone. The man's steely eyes darted from Alex to Lilly and back again, searching. "Please" he said softly stepping around Alex, closer to the woman. "You _must_ to help her. They're coming, looking for her." He gently laid the baby girl into the woman's arms. Grey green met blue for a moment. "Please." It was not entirely a lie. There _were_ people; bad people looking for the sweet child nestled safely in the lady Cabot's arms. The woman gasped softly as the small babe squirmed and cried in her arms her blue eyes looked down on the child's. She tried not to cry. "What's her name?" Lilly said thickly.

_Sasha_ "Alexandra."

"Who?" Mike barked invading the man's personal space. _Just what in the hell is going on here_? "Who's coming? Who's looking for you?" With each question the burly security guard backed the Russian closer to the gate. He was not about to let his dangerous stranger bring his trouble to the Cabot's doorstep. "Please" the taller man said looking behind the security guard over at the couple.

Alexander and Lilly were standing together now looking at the small bundle. Lilly was rocking slightly and cooing to the infant. _It's too cold for an infant_ _to be out for long. _ "What are you doing out here you silly thing?" She said smiling down at the girl. Lilly looked up for a moment and caught the stranger's eyes with her own. Un-shed tears pooled in his grey eyes. Smiling sadly he said "Please take care of her." He slipped out of Mikes grasp and out of the gate "Wait a minute! Hold on!" Mr. Cabot shouted, not unkindly to the man. The stranger stopped a few paces away. He glanced over his shoulder for one last look at the babe. The Cabot woman was cradling her, smiling at her. _Goodbye milaya moya may God watch over you._ _You will be happy here._ he thought. His mission completed the tall man took off running as fast as his exhausted body would allow. The floodgates opened, tears that had been building all night finally escaped. Still he ran, his eyes burning and chest heaving with silent sobs.

Mike moved to give chase but his employers hand on his shoulder stopped him. Alexander Cabot looked down the road until the man disappeared from his sight. "Let him go Mike" Patting mike on his shoulder Mr Cabot repeated himself to make sure Mike understood. "_Let him go_" He then turned and pulled his wife close and planted a kiss on her temple. He looked into the baby's- _Alexandra's_ bright blue eyes and smiled, his eyes glistening. _Beautiful_ Tears rolled off his wives cheek and into the child's face. "Come on. He murmured into his wives hair "Let's get her inside" she nodded, still smiling through her tears. Without sparing mike a second glance they retested back into their home with their new addition. Mike stood, rooted to the spot for a few moments before shaking his head and walking back to the gate house. _Typical Monday._

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><p><em>Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think, I'm a little rusty and more than a little hung over.<em>


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