Criminal Minds Three little words

**Pain**

_1.This means nothing_

After the door had closed Elle sighed sadly. She didn't know how much longer she would be able to endure this.

She still remembered the night when it had happened for the very first time.

_Flashback:_

They had worked on a case in Seattle, and everyone was affected by the gruesome proceeding of the UnSub.

When they had run out of leads Hotch decided to give them all a break.

As soon as Elle had closed the door of her hotel room she sat down on the bed.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed when someone knocked against her door. At first she ignored the hammering sound, but in the end she got up, at the seventh knock she was by the door and opened.

It surprised her to see Hotch standing in front of her. She took in his appearance, his suit-jacket was long gone, his shirt was crumpled, tie loosened, his hair was a complete mess.

After a moment she stepped aside and let him in. He closed the door and locked it as fast as he could.

When they finally looked at each other there was something in his eyes she couldn't quite put a finger on, maybe because she didn't want to know its meaning.

Before she was able to ask what the matter was he was directly in front of her and kissed her lips with great passion.

After a moment of surprise she responded to the kiss with the same passion. As they started undressing each other everything else was forgotten.

Hotch broke their kiss for a moment and stated firmly:

"This means nothing..."

They looked at each other and when he saw her eyes he knew she understood.

With every kiss, with every touch a bit of their pain, their sorrows and disgust vanished.

He pushed her against the wall, as he lifted her up and entered her roughly; she wrapped her legs around his waist. When Hotch bit her neck Elle leaned her head back, allowing him better access.

A moment later he felt her fingernails starting scraping the skin on his shoulders and, while grabbing her wrists and pressing them against the wall, he said:

"No marks...Haley is not supposed to find this out..."

It wasn't what people might call "love-making"; it was just meaningless, frantic sex. They didn't whisper words of love at each other, nor did they exchange any tender gestures.

When she yelled Hotch's name as she came for the first time he just glared at her, and she kept silent for the rest of the time.

Elle understood Hotch, this was simply a physical release, a way to escape the horror they saw everyday at work.

As he pulled out and let her down they kept silent while getting dressed. A moment later Elle and Hotch went to the door.

After she opened the door they looked once again at each other, then he left. Elle closed her eyes for a moment, and then she decided to get some sleep.

_The next day:_

When they got back to the Seattle Field Office, they instantly started working. Hotch behaved the same as always, he didn't treat her any differently than usually, and in fact this made Elle feel relieved somehow...

She wasn't sure if it would happen again, and even though she didn't want to see it back then it made her sad...

But it had happened again and again. He would come over to her room when they had a tough case.

Though it barely happened when they were working on a case without leaving town, he came over to her place from time to time when a case was really getting to him.

Yet she never sought him out, though she never turned him down she would also never be the one to make the first move either.

Elle was interrupted in her thoughts by Morgan, who asked her about her opinion concerning their case.

Only a moment later she got once more lost in her thoughts.

She realized that she, as unbelievable as it might sound, enjoyed their times together. Though he kept repeating that it had no meaning, she enjoyed his proximity even though their being together was frantic, rough and without any real emotions; except of lust.

Very slowly she started realizing that all of it made her feel empty. Whenever he left her alone it felt like he took a piece of her with him...

She felt like she was slowly losing herself. Sure she tried to deny it, but her feelings increased more and more every time he was around, it got very slowly overwhelming...

For Hotch it was only a way to deal with the stress their job brought along...But for her it was getting more and more.

Every time it hurt more when he left, and she was just not sure how much longer she would be able to take it...To hide her feelings from him, but she couldn't tell him...

He was married, he had a little son - not to mention that he was her boss and he was certainly not feeling the same.

_F_our _months_ _later:_

Once more they were working on a tough case and once again he had come to her room after they had run out of leads and had decided to take a break.

It was just the same like all these times before. He came to her room around midnight.

When she opened the door for him, she instantly saw the need and longing in his eyes, she knew he needed her, and she would never turn him down.

Before he left more than an hour later, he turned once more to her and looked her in the eyes, and there it was again, this expression in his eyes, which she was incapable to decipher, and those three little words:

"This means nothing."

Then he was gone.

After the door had closed Elle sighed sadly. She didn't know how much longer she would be able to endure this.

Every time that he said these three words it was breaking her a little more. It was hurting so badly, when he left her. But what was she supposed to do about it?

She felt ridiculous, for letting it happen, for letting him tear her apart, for letting him possess so much power over her.

She needed him; she needed their times together just so goddamn much. It was impossible for her to tell him about her feelings.

Elle let out another sigh and got ready to get finally some sleep.

_The next day:_

Elle tried to focus on the task at hand, ignoring her problems. And it worked surprisingly well, given the fact that they had a lot of work to do.

Ten women had been killed in such a gruesome way. First they had been raped, and then the UnSub had tortured them in anyway possible before he finally killed them.

Yet they had no real leads, except of the profile, and now another woman was missing...

They didn't have any fingerprints, no DNA, no witnesses...

"We're not getting anywhere here..." Morgan said.

"But we have to find her..." JJ stated.

"I agree with JJ...I think we're missing something. There has to be something." Elle pointed out.

_10 p.m., that day:_

After they had found the body of the missing woman they decided to get back to the hotel, given the fact that they had to wait for the results of the autopsy before continuing working on the case.

Elle was glad to have some time for herself. She needed to figure out what she should do about her feelings for Hotch.

Only then she realized how tired she really was. So she changed into a pair of blue sweat shorts and a red top. After she had brushed her hair once more she lay down on her bed.

_Several minutes later:_

Elle had almost fallen asleep when someone knocked against the door. Unwillingly Elle got up and went to the door.

When she reached for the door-knob she started thinking about the way it made her feel whenever he left. Her eyes welled up with tears and she sank down to the ground, trying to ignore the hammering against the door.

The sound was deafening to her ears, though it was still giving her a migraine.

But she needed him just too damn much, so she got up, wiped away her tears and took a deep breath, before she finally opened the door.

She didn't look at him; instead she simply stepped aside and let him in. After she had closed the door, Hotch pushed her against it, unwilling to wait he kissed her with that same passion, his hands wound into her hair.

Elle put her hands on his neck, pulling him closer, deepening their kiss.

But only a moment later Elle's mind overruled her feelings and she backed away.

Hotch closed the space in the matter of a second, then he leaned in to kiss her again. Elle moved her hands, pressing them against his chest and whispered:

"Don't..."

Hotch gave her a questioning glance.

"I just can't do this any longer..."

She looked away, and then she turned her head back to him and locked eyes with him. She knew that it won't take long 'til he would see her pain, 'til he would know what was going on in her head, in her heart...

"Why?"

Elle bit her lower lip, not sure if she should tell him. He looked expectantly at her.

"I want more than this..." They locked eyes once more.

Then Hotch turned his head away.

When he looked at her again, his facial expression had softened and he stated quietly:

"God Elle, I don't know what to say..."

"How should you?! You have no clue of how this feels...To know that this means nothing at all to you, that _I_ mean _nothing _to you...Every time you leave me it breaks me just a little more, it just hurts so goddamn much to know that I will never be more for you than just an escape, a physical release for the stress of our job."

Elle yelled, even though she tried to keep her voice down, her emotions got the best of her, and then she paused for a moment as she felt the tears threatening to break free again. Nonetheless she continued a moment later,

"It's just hurting me so badly to know that you love her so much, to know how happy you seem to be with her..."

Tears were running down her face by now, her sobs made her entire body shake violently, but her pain was just too overwhelming, she simply needed to get all of it out.

"You have no idea how it feels for me to know that I can _never _really be with you..."

Hotch let his head hang while Elle was talking, then he looked up at her face again.

"Actually I know exactly how that feel, to have feelings for someone you can't have, someone who you are not even allowed to desire, because of so many goddamned reasons...I mean, I love Haley, but there's another woman that I might even love more than her..."

He saw the pain in Elle's eyes increase. He lifted his left hand to her face and wiped away the traces of her tears then he continued,

"Listen Elle, This woman I talked about - is you...I know how you feel, because I feel the same...But what am I supposed to do? I'm married; I have a little son, not to mention that I'm your boss..."

"I think you should go..." Elle gave him a stubborn glance.

For a moment he kept looking straight into her eyes, and then he turned his head away for a moment. They looked once more at each other, then Elle opened the door and Hotch turned to leave.


End file.
