Big Time Rush 1. Chapter 1

**an-** i don't know how i feel about this. it kind of sucks ha, i'm not kidding it does. but it sort of happened? i guess i mean i'm not telling you whether i'm the carlos or the logan in this situation but something similar happened. you can make a wild guess and i'll give you a cookie if you're right.

anywho so yeah, again i thought i was happy for a bit but then i suffocated and ran away. yeah i hate everything now. i had a muse & that muse became nothing and i wrote like ten really nice fluffy chapters for things like 'time flies by' & some one-shots & poems all to which i deleted come upon my impending anger. i also deleted some pictures and posts on my tumblr. it just really sucked.

i'm going to write logan's pov too. i'm going to pull my heart and soul into this in hopes of it making me feel better.

enjoy & thanks for reading.

**disclaimer: **regina spektor song not mine. big time rush isn't mine.

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_I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved  
And we're trying to be faithful but we're cheating, cheating, cheating  
He never ever saw it coming at all.  
No one's got it all  
_

**_regina spektor 'hero'_**

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With hurried steps he ran up the stairs.

"Left right left right." he whispered because right then his mind was thinking and an instant Carlos knew he would just drop to the ground and stop thinking. His mind is blurring away at the edges and he has to hurry hurry hurry before he is consumed by the fear tearing him inside. It's just a few stairs and he still can barely do it.

He knows exactly what he's going to tell him if he finds him. _I'm sorry_. Sorry for being a jerk and for leading him on like that. Sorry for being nice to him, asking him to hang out and texting him late at night and wishing him good mornings. He should have known Logan would think something of that, the way he pulls his arm against his body and hugs him so close he could smell his scent, his aroma. He missed long conversations, and just conversations about things like dinosaurs or his past and the fact he could open up to someone, someone he trusted.

Just, Carlos realized that he was scared. He was opening up to someone he knew he could trust but wasn't used to. Everyone had left him before, everyone always leaves him. It's the whole deal of his life. There were always other people so why would he be different? So Carlos went to the beasts with sparkly make-up and hot bodies. He shut himself away from the boy who took care of him and loved him and told him he loved him.

They were supposed to go to the fair that day. But instead Carlos lied and said he was tired and really sick. He told him he was a liar and by then Carlos had hung up the phone and decided to ignore the thought of Logan for the rest of day. He went groccery shopping. Exactly when he reached the milk section he got a phone call with a loud gunshot in the background.

He grabbed the doorknob, gripping it tightly as he tried to open the door. It was locked, the shutters were closed. Carlos banged against the door, the impact of his body aching him but he kept going. He had to find out what happened, he had to see where his best friend was.

So he kept hitting against it. Praying and pleading and begging, just begging he was okay. The door fell in a loud thump and Carlos ran past it, not even thinking of how much he's broken. There are far more worse things, things that can't be fixed.

And there he was, the boy he loved in a pool of his own blood with a gunshot against his temple. A boy whose big brown eyes, eyes filled with love and hope of someone who one day was going to cure cancer or build something to save lives now filled with death. This wasn't a human anymore. It was a body, and just a body. A carcass actually. No point in it anymore.

"I'm so so so so so so so so s-sorry." Carlos stuttered as he ran to hold his body, hoping to feel the warm feeling of Logan against his body but instead is nothing but coldness.

It was an odd thing. You could see someone and say you love them. And yet you were the thing breaking them in the first place. The thing making them stay up at night and getting their worst fears to come alive and you knew you were doing this and yet you couldn't stop. You were scared too, so you ran away and hurt someone because it hurt you too much to stay with them.

Then they died and you realize you want them, that you need them. That they're not something you can't live without. You tell them you think they're beautiful and wonderful and that you love them. Maybe going out on that date or giving them that one kiss you always wanted actually would be the thing that saved their life.

Maybe saying this when they're still alive would have kept them alive.


	2. Chapter 2

It was one of those days he guesses.

One second he's in bed smiling and laughing because he's with a lover and the two of them are in bed holding each other and laughing and studying how the sun reflects against one person's skin and the fact they both can't stop laughing. The way two people could so close and yet not making out or doing the deed but just laying there, enjoying each other's company and loving the sound of each other's voices and the feel of being close.

But then he gets scared, he gets terrified. The senses come back and he's scared again and everything feels suffocated and compacted and he's never ever been this close to a person or throw all his happiness in one person. He's never relied on anyone, usually people rely on him. But now he's found someone to lift him through and it's scary to realize you don't always have to take care of yourself.

So maybe that's why he sent that text or said that or did this or somehow thought that. Maybe it was the fear of actually having someone or something he truly cared about that scared him. Things were never permanent and so why would a simple boy with big brown eyes and the constant reminding of how much he loved him and how much the two of them had know each other would ever be a different story.

Well. Too bad he wasn't around anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

Logan never liked being touched.

Well, at first he couldn't be touched at all. Carlos saw this when Logan would scream or yell or flinch when someone wrapped an around him or tried to hug him. Even a simple touching of his neck got him flailing his arms and or some sort of tense reaction. The boy just didn't like human contact. He didn't like the feel of another human's skin against his own.

["it's because they came into my life." logan would mumble over and over when carlos decided to ask one day. he hugged his knees and started to crawl into fetal position rocking himself up and down against the floor, "it's because of them and just their hands, god those hand prints i feel so dirty with them so tainted. i never knew what we were doing was bad, i was only eight years old. you don't know those things when you're eight years old."

"you were eight? who are they? what did they do?"

he sighed, "i was eight. but it happened even before i was eight, i just can't remember it. never mind who they are, and what they did. but what happened happened and that's why i'm so messed up."]

Carlos always wanted to know what happened. Who were they or what they did or why it was important that he was eight but Logan just would never mention it, he would never talk about it and when he did he'd dart his eyes away with tears stinging them and ask Carlos to go go go. And even if Carlos knew there was something wrong, he did as he was told.

Maybe next time he should had stayed.


	4. Chapter 4

**an - wow i kind of hate everything.**

That's all he saw in the mirror anymore to be honest, a really terrible person.

Before he didn't think so, if anything Logan was the terrible person, not him. Oh no he was the victim. A boy tangled with another boy, a mess of a boy. An unstable volcano ready to erupt any second. Carlos told people Logan trapped him, made him feel like he had to be with him, that he had to stay in the relationship. And sometimes Carlos found himself believing himself, believing that the little lies he was spinning were true and Logan wasn't Logan but instead the psycho who mentally was enslaving him to love him.

Sometimes people would tell him to talk to people, someone. Talk to them about the relationship, about Logan. He wasn't the only one who caught it. The way the boy's gaze would drift off into the distance or how his eyes were always the same hollow brown, no matter how bright they looked from far away.  
During make outs Carlos asked him how he got the bruises on his stomach, cuts on his face and arms. Why he was crying. Why at night he could hear whimpering. And it was always the same nothings, don't worry about its, and I'm fines.

That is until Logan finally fessed up, sitting from one side of the room and Carlos on the other he told him half of what happened, the big parts first, but not the little parts [like the memories, good or bad. what he thought about when he kissed him. how that little voice in the back of his head was always there and always sounded like him. how he kept the bear he gave him even though his therapist said to get rid of everything]. The r word he called it, that's what happened. He felt disgusting every day.

"I-I could have said no." Logan mumbled between sobs, "I could have s-said no, I could have told them I-I didn't w-want it but I-I just let them do it. W-What if I wanted it? M-Maybe I did, god I'm such a whore."

And maybe he should have told someone, told someone who could have given Logan advice, give him some sort of closure. Kept him safe when it was winter vacation and they'd be going back home. But he didn't, and instead he left Logan with himself, the boy who got up in the middle of a heartfelt story and walked away. Why did he walk away, dear god why did he.

[he needed me, oh my god. why did i go. maybe if i stayed, he looked up to me so much, and now look what happened god]

"I'm such a terrible person." Carlos mumbled sighing heavily as he turned away from the mirror to back to the room.


	5. Chapter 5

carlos just wants to know what went through his damn head.  
what the hell he was thinking when he picked up that gun  
put it to his temple  
& pulled the trigger.

_[he wants to know if he was thinking of him]_


	6. Chapter 6

"Well honestly I don't think anyone would care if I died like sure maybe spend one or two years at the most crying but like, do you really think they'd care? Like people would look back and be like wow Logan's still gone, wow Logan's dead. Man I wish Logan was back alive with us. Then again I wouldn't want anyone to be that sad I'm gone, people shouldn't be sad because of me, that'd be the last thing I want from my death. For people to be misery after it. I don't need anyone as miserable as I was.

But just I'm kind curious to see what would happen if I died like yeah if anyone would care, if they'd feel bad. You'd feel bad right?"  
He was half asleep but he still told him he was listening.

"You were sure it was okay I-I talk right?" Logan whispered and Carlos nodded his head, once more groaning.. Mumbling a sorry he moved a bit away from Carlos who didn't respond, didn't do anything. Just stayed in his position trying to get back to his world of faeries and corn dogs, "I-I just, I think I deserved it you know."

_Carlos pursed his lips together and gruffly responded, "Deserved what?"_

"What happened you know, the whole uh, you know. The way they touched me and stuff, did I tell you?

I don't know, I'm probably overreacting. I'm always overreacting. They just told me to kiss them, kissing isn't too serious. They didn't like touch me down there, or made me touch them. They didn't do anything. They held my hand when I told them no but that's not rape. It's not abuse or anything.

Okay maybe that one time something happened ugh um err. I don't know, I came home from school and they decided to wrestle with me and it was fun I mean, but I felt them get a boner and I sort of stumbled away but they kind of tackled me back to the bed and started, they started to um l-like pelvic thrust against me I-I don't know. I was laying on the b-bed and they went in b-between my l-legs and just started d-doing stuff, started to pelvic thrust in a w-way I guess I-I don't know. B-But they started laughing and I-I said stop and t-they said it was a joke, it was all a j-joke right? A funny j-joke I just didn't f-find funny.

Just wow, I-I don't know. Maybe I deserve it, I really think I did anyways. I stopped caring afterwards, about everything. Did you know Mel, t-the girl in our english class freshman year? She was hit by her dad and I saw her crying about it and I-I just didn't do anything because I didn't know what to do and maybe I deserve this happening because I didn't help her and w-why should I.

Plus I didn't stop them, I-I mean isn't it my fault? I-I didn't stop them, t-they probably didn't hear me say no because I was so quiet. I always talk quietly don't I? Maybe that's why. I really do think I-I deserved it, d-do you Carlos?"

_No response._

"I-It's okay, I think I did too. Night."

Then Logan smiled, but it was a real smile. But a smile at the fact he realized he had figured his story out, even though he didn't like ending.

_And Carlos, oh Carlos laid there. Eyes closed but brain still awake as he bit his tongue._


	7. Chapter 7

_dear to whoever,_

i'm tired of having people hurt me.  
but then again, don't i deserve it?

from, logan hortense mitchell

_p.s tell carlos that i'm so sorry for loving him when obviously he didn't love me back_


	8. Chapter 8

**an - 4 panic attacks and i update this story like hell. i don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing?**

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Oh darling oh darling he is not the villain of this story.

He's just a boy living the mistakes of his parents.

A boy whose parents forgot to love and forgot how to sugar coat words. A mommy who forgot how to tuck him in after she got that boyfriend and another, and a daddy who mimicked death far too often.

Sometimes, sometimes he tells them he loves them. But he can't remember the last time he actually meant it.

["aren't parents supposed to teach you how to do things? i think the only things they were good at showing me was how much you could totally hate everything."]

That day Logan asked why he acts like a kid all the time, why he wore the helmet.

And he just smiled and shrugged, "Because I didn't have the chance to be a kid when I was supposed to."


	9. Chapter 9

**an-**mostly because of all the starkid spam on my tumblr.

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"He's the boy who lived forever and the boy who lost everything." Carlos whispered as he flipped through the pages of an old Harry Potter book, fingers trailing down to his favorite parts as he read them out loud, "I think that's why I liked the story so much."

Logan laughed nodded his head and smiled, "If any book could interest you that much you have to tell me why."

And Carlos shrugged his shoulders and leaned back against the wall, eyes still on the page, still on the book. Soaking in every aspect of it he read through excitedly, smiling at every word and sentence in front of him.

"Mainly because we had a lot alike. We both want to talk to our parents one day because we lost them at such young ages. One day I want to do something great, maybe not be the greatest wizard in the world and defeat thee who should not be named but one day, one day I want to do something great. I want to make my parents proud, make them see me again one day and tell me how much they love me and proud they are of me. Harry lost everything in his life and so have I, and I sort of connected to that."

He sucked in a breath and turned to Logan with bright eyes, "Of course I haven't lost you yet, we can be the boys who loved forever together. Because now you're with me and I'm with you and I'm never leaving."


End file.

Big Time Rush, Angst, Drama