Castle 1. What Beckett Remembers

_Story happens in time with the show, season wise. If I make other chapters to go along with this one they will most likely not be as long, I just felt that I couldn't split this one into two different chapters._

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She should have waited for backup. Beckett knew that, but she also knew the man that put a bullet in her chest was getting away. One of the men tied up in her mother's murder. She couldn't let it go. She never could. The pull of her mother's case always kept her coming back. Like a magnet, she had tried to leave the magnetic field but the force was too strong. So she got pulled back. Back into the only life she thought she knew.

He overpowered her. She was hanging onto her life with all she had. As she hung in midair trying to regain her grip on the only thing keeping her from dropping to her death, she realized something. It wasn't enough.

Her own thoughts and some memories from the past came flooding through her mind like an open dam. They didn't all go in order, her thoughts sometimes coming in-between memories. But they kept coming back to one thing. The constant that has been in her life for years. Castle.

Her biggest regret was the first to reach the open dam.

She didn't tell him. Beckett knew what the aftermath of her actions may cause. But back when she was most vulnerable she could not stand the idea of losing him. So, instead of telling Castle the truth she played Castle for a fool. Pretending that she did not remember.

She knew it was cowardly and that the Kate Beckett he knew would never take the easy way out. So Beckett did. She took the easy way out. Knowing that he would believe her story. He always believes her stories. For a writer he was not very good at separating fact and fiction when it came to Beckett's life. Most things that happen to her are out of the ordinary anyway, so, why would he not believe her? She hated herself for lying to the guy she may even love.

She wants to be complete before her and Castle give it a go. Wants to be fixed. She's like a watch that stops ticking and is in need of some repair. And though she wants to be complete, she is starting to believe she never will be.

Then her thoughts switch to a memory she tries so hard to forget.

She has lost her mother and is distant from her father. Ever since she had to basically rip bottles of scotch from his grasp and make him fight. Fight for his life, fight for his sobriety, and maybe, just maybe, fight for her. She didn't want to lose another parent. She couldn't. Her form of coping was making sure her dad would be alright. She didn't have time for crying when it was late into the night. She only cried a few times and then she would purposefully remember to forget.

It's always easier when you choose to remember to forget.

And her father has apologized before for what he put her through, but every single time he has brought it up she deflects. She says it's not your fault dad. It's her killer's fault, not ours.

That if it hadn't been for the man who killed her mother we wouldn't be here today. We would be getting the turkey out of the oven and watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade, or rolling our eyes as mom makes us gather around the piano and sing on Christmas Eve, or watching as mom puts the wrapped gifts under the tree.

She has to tell her father that because she is trying to believe herself. Trying to make herself believe that if she was in that alley her mother wouldn't have been the only Jane Doe in the ME's office the next morning. But she can't believe. Because that's not how it happened. She wasn't there. Her mother died alone. No one was there.

And now that Beckett knows all about her mom's case, that it wasn't a random stabbing, she has made worse realizations that haunt her when sleep refuses to come. Beckett knows that the guy who stabbed her mother would never have waited to watch her mother take her last breath. He was a contract killer. A professional. Tailored for the job. He knew the single thrust and upward twist of the knife would be enough to kill her.

An unarmed woman who had a family. He didn't care. He was paid for his services like the animal control is paid. Paid to get rid of a pest. Paid to get rid of the little animal for scrounging into your business. And since he was so good at his job, he had to hide what he would consider to be his craftsmanship. Cover it up by some not so perfect stabs. Non-lethal stabs. Once his job was done, he had no reason to stay. He didn't need to admire his work. He'd seen this before, and he would see it again.

She pushes the image of her mother out of her mind because even from memory, it's a graphic scene.

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She wants someone to tell her it's not her fault. That her pushing Castle away is somehow not her fault. She knows it is. But he's gone now. Has told her, that he is done. He won't watch her throw away her life. She wants to be with him but he doesn't understand. Tracking down her mother's killer is all she has ever known. She can't remember who she was before the devil knocked on her door. Who even remembers who they were over ten years ago? You may remember some memories but not everything.

One thing she does remember is who she was when she met Castle. She was lost. She was barely getting through the day. Working through most nights to help other people receive closure, because if she couldn't have some she might as well grant it to someone else. She was distant when she met Castle.

She had more than a few friends. But only a few who really mattered. Ryan, Espostio, and Lanie were her family. They called themselves the 12th Precinct Family. But they were family off of the force too.

Beckett remembers meeting a nine year old on a sugar rush, who never seemed to come down from the high. He wore the same obnoxious grin whenever she saw him. Commenting inappropriately at the worst possible times, sometimes leaving some of her sadness behind. He pushed her buttons, ones she didn't know she had.

Esposito and Ryan were the closest she ever had to brothers but they were not Castle-level annoying. He was in his own category. Some days she had wished she never met him.

He was ballsy enough to go behind her back and reopen her mother's case. She hated him for that. At the time, she thought Castle was doing it for his own selfish gains. To give his new character with a stripper name some depth. But, she learned in time, he was trying to help.

She learned in time that he was sweet.

She learned that the little blurb about him on the inside back cover of his books did not do him justice. It was a fluff piece, meant to make him look available and a somewhat loving father and son. And after she got to know him, she really started to dislike that she did what she never did with the books she read. She judged Castle based on his cover. She judged him based on what was written on his armor.

He didn't do that to her. She acted tough and had always used the loss of her mother to keep herself at a distance from everyone. Even herself. Castle saw that. And he did what she admired the most in him. He stayed. For four years he stayed.

Brought her coffee every day he saw her. He remembered the stupid little filler information she gave him about herself. Every small detail. And he made her open up. She never thought she would be telling Richard Castle about her mother's case. Never thought he would be the kind of guy to listen. To care. And she couldn't have been more wrong. For a detective, Beckett was not very observant of him.

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There are other things Beckett remembers too. Meeting his family for the first time. The Castle's. Knocking on his door and almost speed walking to the stairs to be out of sight before someone answered. Not as a joke but because what the hell was she doing? She has never gone over to his house. But the case had thrown her, reminded her of her mom's case. But she stayed put. She waited for someone to open the door.

She thought he looked surprised to see her but she is certain her face was a lot more surprised than his. Holding a laser tag gun and dressed appropriately for the game, as he flashed with blue lights. Which she wouldn't admit to herself then, but was a nice compliment to his blue eyes. Not that she was looking at his eyes. And then came the rest of the family. A younger Castle with fire red hair and similar attire and an older Castle with the same red hair and a green face mask. And she thought it looked a little hectic in there, but fun. Yep, this was definitely the right apartment.

Above all of the things about him she remembers, she remembers his face. Not just his laugh and how the skin at the corners of his eyes crinkle up and his ears move back slightly when he is wearing a genuine smile. Not how his eyes mimic the color of the sea. How they seem to reflect whatever color he is wearing. How they light up when he looks at her.

Beckett remembers the fear. The terrified look on his face when he was hovering over her on the blood stained grass. How she had never seen his eyes go from that normal blue to the darkest of greys. How he looked like such a sad, little boy. How his eyes had clouded and began to drip. She remembers him holding her, him wishing he could save her but not being able to do anything.

So he talked. And she remembers. Her heart cracking and being ripped, not from the bullet, but at the thought of losing him. Being unable to speak. Not getting to say goodbye. Unable to do anything but try to reach for him and fail. Her hand falling to the ground in the spreading puddle of her own blood. The puddle below staining her white gloves with crimson.

So she did the only thing she could. She watched. She stared at him trying to remember and sear into her brain all things Castle. And when she felt herself slipping further away she felt a tear glide down her face. She watched as his eyes did the same. Dropping down tears as if they were raindrops, mixing in with the blood he tried to stop flowing by pressing down where it continued escaping from the bullet wound. She remembers what she thought would be his last words to her. "Stay with me, I love you, I love you Kate".

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And now as she tousles again with death she has to relive it all. She has more memories to recall and other ones that have faded away. And as each memory passes through her mind it seems that one more finger slips from its grasp. Slowly but so quickly, she's losing him. She always thought that being a cop she would take a bullet. That's what she told him when they were stuck in a freezer together. It's what she's thinking now as she dangles from a building looking down.

She's realizing her life wasn't enough. All she had were some old case files and an obsession to the thing that kept beating her down. She wanted more. She needed to be more. Her mother didn't die to make it easier for Kate to throw her own life away. Her mother died to show that you fight like hell to stay standing. Her mother didn't give up because things got difficult.

Like Montgomery told her, you find a place to make a stand and hope that somebody stands with you. She wanted to catch her mother's killer but she didn't want to make the stand anymore. At least not alone. She needed Castle. And if he wouldn't stand with her for this fight, then she would just have to stand with him for his.

A fight she knew he had already won. Her heart.

Beckett hoped Castle would be there for her one more time, to pull her up. But he wasn't. So she hung on with every ounce of strength she had left until he would be. Calling out his name, letting it flow through the wind, with the hope that her voice reached his ears.

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_Let me know what you think, it's appreciated. I'm hoping to keep this story going but I have a busy schedule so just check back every once in awhile for another chapter. _

_Thanks for reading._


	2. Gravity's Constant

_Thanks for taking your time to read my writing. This is a continuation of Falling in Love._

_I do not own Castle nor the characters._

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"Castle… Castle."

Beckett started by whispering his name over and over. Each time his name crossed her lips it hurt just a little bit more. The realization that each time she said the two syllable word could very well be the last. The uncertainty of what would happen causing her to say his name louder until she was yelling.

"Castle! Castl…"

Her voice was cut off when the last few fingers on her right hand lost their grip and she was dangling with only her left hand keeping her from letting go altogether. She regained her composure and summoned up enough strength to say his name one last time.

She heard her name ring in her ears.

"Beckett! Beckett!"

"Castle! Rick, I'm over here!"

She heard his footsteps racing towards her.

"Beckett, hang on!"

She was trying to hang on, she really was. Knowing that every extra second she could hold on made her one second closer to seeing his face. One second closer to telling him how she really felt about him. How she wanted their relationship as much as he did, maybe even more. That she wanted to be more than who she was. More than the girl who climbed into her mother's murder file and never came back out.

Beckett hurriedly tried to regain her grasp on the building without any success. The boots she wore never gaining any friction as they desperately scratched and scuffed at the wall.

She heard the footsteps coming closer, one more finger falling from its place without permission. And just like that, the rest started to follow. She let her frustration come out in a strained voice as she hopelessly cried,

"No… Castle… No…"

Without anything keeping her from descending downwards, she had no choice but to fall.

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It's an amazing thing, gravity. It never falters. It's always constant. It doesn't matter where you are on the earth, you can still feel its pull. Keeping you grounded, in the safety of its arms. Occasionally frustrating you by the hold it keeps, not allowing you to jump too high.

If you want to be hurt, you can't start off on the ground.

Which means, to hurt, you have to fall. And that makes sense, because you can jump into a relationship knowing the outcome. Beckett was a pro at jumping. Jumping into relationships that had an easy exit. Jumping into them with no fear of pain, knowing she could end them before they were too serious. Before it was possible to be hurt.

From these relationships Beckett learned one valuable thing.

It's impossible to jump into love.

She has never once heard a person say they just jumped in love. Lanie and other friends Beckett had back in college and high school, always equated the feeling as falling. Traveling into the unknown with a person happily at your side. Blindly falling, hoping the one you love will somehow succeed in catching you.

Castle was her gravity. Her constant in life, and she was ready to fall.

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She heard her name one last time. It sounded sharp and desperate. The last bit of her name was slightly cut off by the physical exertion of the person yelling.

"Becket-"

As the last syllable of her name reached Castle's lips she felt a hard grasp form around her left wrist.

She acted out of instinct grabbing the arm which was outstretched holding hers. She wrapped her fingers tightly around his wrist and was then being lifted through the air to the safety of his embrace.

Or so she thought.

When she opened her eyes to focus, she knew the person who saved her wasn't Castle. The person she had clung to for dear life was Ryan. She was disappointed but not surprised. She just gave her savior a look of slight confusion and cocked her head to the side.

Ryan sympathetically looked at her and moved his head from left to right slowly. He knew she was wishing for Castle and he wasn't there. He could see the pain in her eyes that was not a result of physical exertion.

"We tried calling him Beckett, but it went straight to voicemail. He's probably getting ready for Alexis's graduation. I wouldn't think too much into it."

She knew he had other people he had cared about besides herself. She knew he wasn't the kind of guy to miss anything that had to do with his daughter, let alone her high school graduation.

After their fight the night before, after him telling her he was done, she shouldn't have been surprised. But she couldn't help it. They were partners. They are supposed to be there for one another. They were supposed to still be friends. At least before, even if things weren't great between them, they had continued to be friends.

She still hadn't said anything so Ryan offered another explanation.

"He might have already turned his phone off so he wouldn't forget to. You know how proud he is of Alexis, if anyone disrupts her speech he will probably personally escort them to the exit."

She softened a bit at that. Ryan was trying to give her words of comfort and the thought of Castle's face when he watches Alexis give her speech didn't hurt either. Throughout all the time she has known Castle she knew he was a good father.

She snapped out of her thoughts remembering Ryan was still there.

"Hey Ryan, thanks."

"Don't mention it. I'm just glad I got here in time before, you know. Oh and I know you're not going to like this but, I had to tell Gates. It seemed like the only option."

"It's okay Ryan, you saved my life. I get it."

"Well that's all and well and everything but, Gates said she wants to see you and Esposito in her office. It doesn't sound too good either."

"Whatever she has to say I can deal with it. Does Esposito know yet?"

"Unfortunately. He isn't real thrilled that I told her what was going on."

"I'm sure he'll get over it Ryan. Well I'm going to go find Esposito so at least we won't have to suffer listening to Gates alone."

Beckett walked toward the stairs and continued her thoughts concerning Castle. She decided this time, she would be there for Castle. She wasn't going to intrude on the graduation. That was a moment for a proud parent and their child. Instead, she wait for him like he waited for her.

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Esposito and Beckett walked out of Gates's office. The lack of a badge and their service weapons making them feel lost. It was weird not having their right hands hover over their gun when down at their sides.

Esposito was pissed. The anger radiating from him clear. Beckett felt oddly light considering what she had just done. Unlike Esposito, she wasn't on suspension from the precinct. She wasn't going to be sitting around waiting for a phone call to be reinstated. For Beckett, that phone would always be silent.

She resigned.

She was done.

She wasn't going back. It would be impossible for her to set foot back into the precinct like she had a countless number of times before. It hadn't felt the same walking in there for a while now.

And if she ever does walk back in there again it won't be alone. She has decided. If she goes back it will be because Castle comes too.

As much as she has tried to, she doesn't do well on her own. She copes. And coping is not living.

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Beckett returns to her apartment just long enough to realize she doesn't want to be there. She had only just started to open the door before she shut it again. She turned the key the opposite way she turned it to unlock the door. She had nowhere to be and nowhere to go. So she went to the only place she could think of.

She crossed the street to reach a place of familiarity and was bombarded with rain. She hadn't bothered to look at the forecast or the greying sky above.

As she sat down her ears were filled with the sounds of the chains from the swings clashing together. A place that was neither hers nor his. This was their place. Their neutral ground. It was a bit odd. How when they were sitting on the swings they felt like the only two people in the park. They never paid any attention to the numerous other people around.

So when she went there this time she felt alone.

To be honest she didn't mind the rain. It was cool to the touch and soothing. Droplets occasionally and rhythmically hitting the empty swing at her side. Others landing in her now curly hair and then sending shivers through her spine when they reached her skin.

She remembered her phone in her jacket pocket. She smiled when she remembered Castle had insisted on buying a waterproof case for it. He had said you'll thank me someday when you drop it in a puddle chasing down a suspect or spill one of your coffees on it.

He was right.

She was thanking him now as she took her waterproof phone out her pocket and called him.

Beckett didn't expect him to answer. She wanted to hear his voice. And if he wouldn't answer she would just wait for it on the machine.

He didn't pick up. And instead of waiting to hear his voice saying words that were lies like, "Hey you've reached Rick Castle, leave your name and I will call you back when I can," she hung up.

She knew he wouldn't call her back.

She started to run.

If he wasn't there when she showed up then she would wait, now that she had no job and didn't feel like being home, she had all the time in the world.

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_Thank you for reading._

_Letting me know what you think in a review is appreciated._

_More chapters to come._


	3. Castle's Perspective

_I stayed true to the dialogue in the show, words may not be exact but the content gives the same feel and emotion. (My excuse for being too lazy to want to look up all the dialogue)_

_For Castle's view, I wanted to get across how hurt he is by Beckett's actions. That his actions over the last four years seemed to mean nothing to Beckett in that instant. (Hopefully I was able to get that across in this chapter.)_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.**_

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_Castle's perspective_

It wasn't how he wanted their conversation to go. He didn't want to leave when he had been the only person to ever really stay. Walking out on her hurt more with every step and if his legs had listened to his heart and not his head, they would have turned around and went back to her side. He did what he knew he had to. Everyone expected him to stop her from getting swallowed whole by her mother's case. Montgomery, her father, the guys, even Smith. Every single one of them had told him in slightly different ways he had to keep her afloat. Not let her drown. He told himself he had to be the one to do it too. Everyone kept telling him if he couldn't get her to stop no one could. And he wanted to be the guy who could get her to stop. The one she could cling to when everything else around her crumbled. He wanted to be her solid ground. But he was torn. He was torn because if he told her to stop and she shut him out, then he couldn't be there for her and she may keep him out of her life forever.

And then he saw Kate slipping. Falling deeper into the case and he had to do something. Because the last time she couldn't stop she was shot. He had to watch. The bullet may have hit her but he was feeling some of the pain. With blood on his hands and a hole in his heart, he watched her die. He held her hand in the ambulance. Even as she struggled to fight for her life; he was there. He said always and he meant it every time. And remembering their word and how he left her alone in her apartment, it made him realize they broke the promise.

The promise of always. Shattered when she refused to listen to him and shattered when he gave up trying. Their always broke when he walked away and didn't look back. But as much as it killed him to say goodbye to Beckett, it had hurt him more to stay. He never knew if today would be her last or if tomorrow he would receive the call. A call saying Beckett was murdered. One he would never voluntarily answer.

He still had to deal with the uncertainty of it all. Now he would never know if she was okay, but he had to protect his heart. He left it unarmored since the day she was shot. Maybe even before. And every time he had tried to move forward with her, she had held back. He had been with her for four years. And for those four years he never expected more than her company and friendship. She had all of him and he was alright with only getting part of her.

He knew that having part of her had been better than none at all. But after four years, he needed more. He told her did when he came to her apartment and told her to stop. When he reiterated that she knew he loved her. It wasn't the best time to do so, to have an actual meaningful conversation, but it never was with the two of them. Before he was mad she hadn't let him know she heard him. That she lied. He was willing to forgive. He couldn't forget, but he could forgive. If she would have just told him she cared for him, he would forgive the lies. He would forgive and stay if she stopped looking into the case and chose life over death.

* * *

The part of their conversation that hurt him the most wouldn't leave him alone. The part that somehow had the ability to make him furious and feel physically sick at the same time.

"Listen to you? Why should I listen to you? How am I even supposed to trust anything that you say?"

"How are you su—?

Because of everything we've been through together! Four years I've been right here. Four years just _waiting_ for you to just open your eyes, and see that I'm right here…and that I'm more than a partner. Every morning, I—I bring you a cup of coffee just so I could see a smile on your face, because I think you are the most...remarkable…maddening…challenging…frustrating person I have ever met. And I love you, Kate, and if…that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this."

"If I are about you? Castle, you cut a deal for my life like I was some kind of a child. My life. Mine. You don't get to decide."

"You keep going like this, they're going to decide. They're gonna come for you, Kate."

"Let them come. They sent Coonan, and he is dead. They sent Lockwood, and he is dead. And I am still here, Castle! And I am ready!"

"Ready for what? To die for your cause? This isn't a murder investigation anymore, Kate. They've turned it into a war."

"If they want a war, then I will bring them a war, straight to their doorsteps."

He knew he wouldn't get her to stop. And after so much rejection he had to be done. Finally protecting himself and his heart before her own. She had a wall around her heart and it seemed to work for her. So he decided it was time for him to do the same. Distance himself and his heart, retreat, out of harm's way and into the safety of his chest.

Even before the words left his lips and his eyes met hers for what he imagined to be the last time, his body slumped in defeat.

"Well, I guess there's just nothing I can say, is there?"

Whatever battle it was here in Beckett's apartment that he was trying to win, he knew he had lost. He couldn't get her to close her investigation into her mother's case and he couldn't get her to admit that she cared about him.

His voice was low and full of dread, each word more difficult to scrape out than the last.

"Okay, um… Yeah, you're right, Kate, it's your life. You can throw it away if you want, but I'm not gonna stick around and watch you."

With the last bit of strength and dignity that he had, he said his goodbye.

"So this is, uh…over. I'm done."

He said all he had to say and there was nothing left. He bared his soul to her and even told her about the deal Smith made. He still remembers Kate's words blazing as they reached his ears.

* * *

He wanted to tell her that yes, he made a deal for her life, yes he was selfish to do so, and yes he would do it over again if given the chance. He would have told her he regretted keeping everything between him and Smith from her, but he would have countered that with, I was trying to keep you safe.

He wanted to say that in order for Smith to keep protecting her it was better that she didn't know about him. How he knew if she knew about Smith she would throw herself further into the case. That his action may have been selfish but he didn't ask to be put into this position. Either way he lost. If he would have told Beckett she may have already been killed. That he hated lying to her because they were partners.

But she never gave him a chance.

She basically waved him off and expected him to leave. She didn't offer him anything more than the silent declaration that she was ready to die for her mother's case. And part of him could tell that Beckett wanted him to go.

Castle never left easily before. Even when she wanted him to go he kept coming back. A coffee in his hand and an apology from his heart when he went too far. This time was different. But even now he would have stayed if it weren't for one thing. This time, he was broken.

She was the only person since Kyra that he gave the ability to break him. If she hadn't rejected him or if she had understood the position he was placed into, he may have stayed. If she would listened to everything, instead of picking and choosing words, stringing them together to hear what she needed to justify letting him leave, he may have stayed.

He had become her partner and with that came a responsibility he took seriously. He wasn't a cop so he couldn't protect her with a gun. He was a writer and he could protect better with words. Talking with Smith and making sure she wasn't being hunted down by the guys who killed her mother. Giving her words of encouragement that things would be okay. That was the protection he could give. And she was blind to it.

He would have stayed for a simple, "I care about you Castle," or an, "I cared about you until this Castle," but she hadn't even given him that. He just wanted to know that she had cared. He wanted to know that if this hadn't gone the way it did that they could have had their always. That the one word that kept him coming back hadn't been an empty declaration. Every time he had said it he meant it. He needed to know it had meant something to her too.

But all he received from Beckett was silence.

He replayed his leaving in his head so many times, sometimes it replayed how it actually happened and other times she stopped him from leaving. But he was always hit with the universal truth when the day dream came to a close.

He was alone and he had to move on.

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_Thanks for reading, would love to know what you thought._

_To Be Continued._


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