Gilmore Girls On a Day in December

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.... I just don't have enough talent to come up with some like these  
  
On a Day in December  
  
As she went down a crowded Manhattan street this morning in December, everything around her seemed to remind her of him. The last time she was here was with him. She had skipped school that day, had taken that bus and simply went to New York City to see him. She still remembered that day fondly. It had been a great day and maybe their first steps towards a relationship. That all seemed so long ago. One and a half years can be a really long time. A lot had changed since then. She had changed. The both of them had changed from what she could see from their recent encounters. She hadn't really seen him long enough to note all the changes he had undergone, but something about his air had told her that California and wherever he had been had changed him. Sometimes she wished she could be that carefree teenager again. Sometimes she wanted to be seventeen again. No worries about college, her relationship with Lorelai still perfect, her grandparents still happily married, she herself without a broken heart and with her virginity and the two of them falling for each other. Sometimes she wondered what it would be like to go over the last two years again, doing all things that went wrong differently. Her break-up with Dean, Jess's first meeting with her grandmother, their Thanksgiving, the hockey- game, Kyle's party and of course their goodbye. She would have looked him in the eye that day on the bus, knowing he was off to California, forcing the goodbye out of him. Maybe she would have been able to make him stay. Maybe he still would have left, but on good terms with her. Maybe he wouldn't have come back to Stars Hollow afterwards, feeling like he had unfinished business, to tell her he loved her. Maybe he wouldn't have asked her to leave with him and she wouldn't have had to reject him. She wouldn't have had to tell him no. She wouldn't have had to pine over him. She wouldn't have been so sad and confused. She probably wouldn't have slept with Dean, causing his marriage to fail and their friendship to go down the drain. Maybe she would still spend her weekends in Stars Hollow with her mom rather than walking down the crowded streets of Manhattan during December just in order to be around people who wouldn't judge her for what she had done. Ever since last summer Stars Hollow hadn't felt as comfortable as before. Back there she was constantly reminded of her mistake, of that night with Dean. Although the people in town didn't know all the facts, it had been obvious, that Rory was a contributing factor to the divorce of Lindsay and Dean. No one knew exactly what had happened, but people had their suspicions. Rory certainly was somehow involved in the break-up. After all Dean still had feelings for her, that was obvious. Rory was just happy that they didn't know the ultimate truth. What would they think of her? Sleeping with a married man. Helping the wonderful Dean cheat on his wife, without even loving him.  
  
Of that she was sure. She didn't love Dean. Maybe she had loved him when they were still together during high-school, but she had never been madly in love with him like she had been with Jess. She wouldn't have gone to New York for him. She wouldn't have secretly pined over him over the length of a full year. She would never have been so upset about having to turn him down.  
  
Why did she sleep with him then? Well, she didn't love him, but she loved how he loved her. She loved the security he was willing to give her. She loved his good-boy image. She loved how he would never break her heart. She loved how her mom and everyone in Stars Hollow were extremely fond of him. She loved him for being a sweet guy. She loved the outer image, not the person he truly was. She was very aware of her true feelings now. She had been aware of them ever since the morning after. After she had awakened in her bed, alone in the house with her mom over at the inn she had known. She had known right when opening her eyes, that it had been a mistake. She should have been smarter than that. After all she was attending Yale, right?  
  
Rory sighed and kept walking with the crowds of Manhattan. She liked to do that once in a while. Ever since last summer, she sometimes just felt the need to be in this big city. Sometimes she needed to get away from the small towns Stars Hollow or New Haven to be amongst people whom she didn't know, people who wouldn't recognize her. She needed to feel the streets filled with life, smelling like haste and rush. It was funny, but with the chaos around her she could really feel herself. Nowhere else came thoughts to her more easily than in this busy environment. To her, New York City was a relief. Whenever she felt Yale or home were pressing down on her, she took her little car and drove to the city. To clear her mind, to reminisce, to read. It always helped.  
  
Lorelai sometimes wondered about her repeating stays in Manhattan, sometimes maybe thinking of that certain person who had lived there, but she never bothered Rory about it. Mother and Daughter both had somewhat grown up after this summer. They weren't as co-dependent as they used to be anymore. Sometimes they even needed to take a break from each other. It was fine with both of them though. Although now they sometimes were more mother and daughter than best friends, they were still close, but they allowed each other to have their own lives without the other one constantly present. Rory didn't pine over their changed relationship. It was okay that way.  
  
It had started to snow when Rory reached a little bookshop that she had discovered on one of her previous visits. Without much thought, she decided to enter. Although she didn't intend on buying new books, she always enjoyed browsing through the shelves looking for unusual stuff, old books, books she had never heard about, and books she would never find elsewhere than in New York City. She hadn't quite kept up with her former reading habits. The amount of books she now consumed had declined to a degree in which she barely made it through a book within three weeks. That was due to her enormous amount of work for school, but apart from that, Rory didn't feel as inclined to read as before. It always somehow reminded her of Jess. She never had a problem with that after the first time he had left. As a matter of fact, reading had been somewhat healing to her. She had been able to distract herself from the fact that he had left her unnoticed by extensive reading. But after he had left her that night in her dorm room, after she had broken his heart, reading didn't come as easily to her. It made her think of him even more.  
  
She still enjoyed it though, and it wasn't long until she stumbled upon something interesting in the little store which was stacked with shelves up to the ceiling, filled with books that weren't at all sorted or categorized. Most people found it annoying, but Rory rather enjoyed it. It was like going through an old library which had been neglected by people for a while. It was like she was the first one to look at it for a long time and it gave her an excited feeling. This day though, she found herself taking out a book that she had read quite a few times in high school. A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway. It had been his favourite, and although she had never liked it she had read it various times for his sake. She looked at the edition in her hand. It was an old printing, probably one of the earliest. The pages were already yellow and on some the ink had started fading, but there were additional articles on the piece, which were nowhere to be found these days. Even some notes from the author himself could be found in the back. Rory sighed when she looked at the price. It wasn't too spendy, but her account wasn't exactly in best shape either. He would love this though. She looked at it for a while, not knowing what to do, but finally she gave in to her inner will and bought it. She hadn't seen him since she told him no, she had absolutely no clue where he was, not even Luke had a phone number. She knew, because she had asked him several times.  
  
Ever since it had hit her, that she didn't love Dean and in fact wanted to be with Jess, she had asked Luke and Liz about his whereabouts, but neither knew. Jess had disappeared and no one had seen him. It wasn't that Rory regretted no going with him. She still wouldn't have left home and school, but she had wanted to tell him that she loved him. She would have told him her reasons for not going, she would have admitted her desire to be with him, her wish for a future with him. And she would have given him a second chance against everyone else's will. Maybe she would have gone with him for the summer to go back to Yale in the fall. But there were always loads of maybe. She was sure though: She loved him. No matter if he wasn't there, she still loved him. She hadn't taken up dating. Her heart belonged to him, no matter what people said when they tried to set her up with guys. "Oh, come on, just go out and have a great time, maybe you'll fall in love again" or "Don't worry, go out and have a good time, you're not betraying any one". Rory knew that wasn't true. She was after all betraying herself. Sometimes she cried herself to sleep missing him. The hardest thing was not knowing where he was. Not knowing whether he was okay, not knowing about his feelings for her, knowing they had left on bad terms. Knowing to have broken the heart of the person you loved; that was the hardest for her. Did he feel that way when he first left her? She'd really like to know.  
  
After heading to the check-out counter and chatting with the shop owner, a charming old man who had recognized Rory after only a few visits, Rory walked out onto the snowy street again. She ultimately took a deep breath of the cold winter air. It felt really good. The cold flooding through her gave her new energy. Her shopping bag in hand she decided to walk towards Washington Square Park.  
  
After a few blocks of walk she reached her destination and decided to sit down on one of the benches. Even though it was cold she didn't freeze. She wore her thickest coat and gloves and a scarf that she had bought the year before. She liked sitting down here watching people. Nobody really noticed her, but she noticed every single person walking by. It was relaxing for her to do that. Sometimes she would come up with characterizations of some people passing her. Maybe this man was a banker, single, who was secretly gay but wasn't brave enough to tell his parents and colleagues. Maybe this woman was just going home from work and was thinking about what to cook for her two children for dinner. Or this old lady. Maybe she was a widow who took a walk around Manhattan in remembrance of her beloved husband. Rory like to think of people like that. It was very fascinating as well as an inspiration. Her discoveries in the city really paid of in the Creative Writing class she had been taking this semester. She had actually started to enjoy writing. In her little poems or short stories she was able to work out her emotions and it was somewhat healing to write down her thoughts and impressions after and exhausting day. She had written about Jess as well. Various poems where about him or for him, but she always kept them to herself. They were sacred to her and no one else was allowed to read them.  
  
When Rory looked at her watch again after a while, she noticed that she had sat in Washington Square Park for more than an hour and it had already started to get dark. Knowing that New York City wasn't exactly the cosiest place for single women after dark, especially in this part of Manhattan, she decided to take the subway back in direction of Uptown. She wanted to go look at stuff in Bloomingdale's and other department stores. The stores all had Christmas stuff out and it gave Rory a fuzzy feeling to just look at the displays. Yet, after boarding the subway she followed an instinct notion inside herself to get off at a station close to Rockefeller Center instead. She didn't know why, but something drew her out of the subway, onto the square. She looked at people skating there. There were lights everywhere and many Christmas trees. Everything was a bit overdone and too artificial for Rory's taste. She liked it more genuine. This was the typical exaggerated American Christmas. Yet, Rory found herself drawn to it. For an unknown reason she couldn't turn around and walk away. She just had to watch and take in the whole scenery. She could smell Christmas. It was pathetic, but she could smell Christmas in the air. Something wonderful was about to happen, she knew.  
  
Rory unconsciously started wishing for something. She started hoping for the one thing she wanted for Christmas this year. She started wishing for the one thing that could make her Christmas and the upcoming year better. She started asking for a second chance. She wanted a second chance to make things right. She wanted to see him again. She wanted to get another chance with the man she loved. She wanted Jess. Even if they couldn't be together, even if they were never going to be a couple again, she still wanted to see him again, to talk to him, to explain herself. However, there was nothing she could do about it. He had decided to disappear and there was no way he was going to be found. Rory's mouth escaped another sigh, indicating her pain and despair. She held on tighter to the shopping bag in her hand. It wasn't like it was always this unbearable for her, but sometimes, in moments like these she would just be overcome by all the pain and regret. A tear silently escaped her eye. A single one. Rory bend her neck to look up at the sky. It had stopped snowing and most of the clouds had disappeared. She was able to see the stars. Well, at least she thought so. It might have been just some Manhattan lights, but the thought that it was stars she was seeing was more agreeable to her.  
  
All of a sudden she heard a familiar voice behind her. "Rory?" It was an excited, hoping but also desperate and beaten voice. Rory turned around immediately. When she found her first suspicion confirmed, her eyes widened in shock and surprise. She couldn't breathe and her heart started racing uncontrollably. She couldn't move. All that escaped her mouth was a soft "Jess".  
  
Jess looked at her just as surprised as she was. However he was the one to regain his composure. After the initial paralysis he regained control of his body. There she was. The girl that had broken his heart in return for her own heartbreak. The one he was helplessly in love with. The one he couldn't forget. The one whose sight caused him unbearable pain. He couldn't do this. He couldn't let her hurt him again, he wouldn't get over that. Against his own reason he decided running was the thing to do. He turned around and started walking away from her.  
  
Rory didn't realize what he was doing at first, but when he was several steps away from her, it crossed her mind. He was leaving. She was about to let him get away again. This was the second chance she had so desperately waited and wished for. She couldn't just let it pass. She had to take it, no matter what. Her life and happiness depended on it.  
  
"Jess" she cried determined. "Jess" once again and she started running after him. Soon she had caught up with him and fell in pace beside him. He wouldn't stop walking or look at her. He just kept going trying to ignore her presence.  
  
Rory took his arm forcefully making him turn towards her so that she could meet his gaze. Their eyes locked again after a long time. And just like the countless times before it was magical. Rory could feel it. It wasn't gone yet.  
  
"Jess" she said again her voice shaking. Then she started crying. She couldn't help it. The tears came and silently rolled her cheeks. He was there. He was right in front of her. This wasn't a dream. Her Christmas wish had come true.  
  
"Jess!" she whispered smiling. And slowly but steadily he started smiling at her as well. In the middle of Manhattan the world stood still for them.  
  
A.N: I know it is summer, but I felt like a winter scene. I also know that it's kind of cheesy and very unlikely to happen, but hey you're still allowed to dream, right? Well, I hope you guys like it. Please review. Any comments are appreciated. Thank you for reading! Janine D. 


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