1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the delightful prose; the rest belongs to NBC universal and so on.

_Away_

Olivia's tortured sobs filled the interrogation room, the sound blocked mostly by the thick gray cement. She shuddered against the wall, her hands shakily wiping the tears from her face, and fanning the redness away as best she could. She breathed deeply, calming herself before walking back to her job, and the victim that was definitely having a worse day than her.

She grabbed her jacket and headed for the car, Fin struggling to keep up with her purposeful stride. "You drive," she barked at him before slumping into the passenger seat. Fin looked over at her, "Liv, if you need to talk…we've been working together a long time and I…," but she cut him off with a raised hand. "Don't, Fin…I'll be ok, I just need time." He nodded, turning the key in the ignition and heading out.

Olivia was completely professional throughout the rest of the day, not letting her mind even begin to stray to Elliot. She would deal with that when she got home, in private where she kept all of her true feelings about him. She and Fin conducted the preliminary investigation before calling it a night. She could feel his eyes on her, and looked up slightly annoyed, "what Fin? I told you, I'm fine," she said, her voice trembling slightly. "Liv, you want to get a drink…we can talk about anything…just to get out?", he asked. Shaking her head no, she told him to take the car back to the precinct, and headed toward the subway.

Olivia didn't think she would be able to sit in the car with Fin, and his pity and concern. She felt like the most absurd woman, weeping over a lost lover, only Elliot have never been that to her. He was more than just a source of sexual frustration, and obviously more than a co-worker, she loved him. Quickly shaking her head stepped on the train and fell heavily into the nearest seat. The entire ride home, she struggled to keep her tears inside, cursing herself for not just taking a cab.

She wondered to herself if anyone could tell that her heart was breaking. She also wondered when she couldn't feel this deep ache in her chest, her wanting and missing him, and her bitterness. Olivia knew that she would be angry with him soon, blame him for leaving the way he blamed her when she went to Oregon. This was different though, this was bigger than both of them. Elliot had his share of infractions and now, things would never be the way they once were.

Olivia almost missed her stop, thinking about him again, and had to hurry through the doors. She walked home quickly, her mind going to the bottle of scotch that had been sitting in her cabinet for months. She hurried through her front door, and threw her black blazer off, toeing off her shoes and grabbing a glass. Olivia didn't drink very much, considering how her mother had died, but she saved the scotch for special occasions and moments when she needed to take the edge off; this was one of those moments.

She knocked back two shots before wandering into her bedroom. Olivia looked around at the space that had never really held much attraction for her, a bed she never used and hardly ever shared. The silence and the emptiness of the apartment like a white noise and it filled her head, drowning out any other sounds or thoughts. Feeling the despair bubble inside of her, she grabbed her things and headed out of the door.

Olivia jumped in a cab this time, giving the only address that she could conceive of. It was a long ride there, but her heart began to beat faster and faster as she neared the house. Olivia had never been a pushover in her life, not with victims, never with perps, and certainly not when it came to Elliot. So, she wondered now why she had let him ignore her calls for months, thinking only about himself.

She made her way to Elliot's house, texting him simply that she was outside and that she would be there until he came out and talked to her. She could see the soft glow of the tv through the living room window. It was late, but she figured he would have trouble sleeping now, and would be wide awake. She saw the shadow of a body moving around, her pulse quickening, thudding painfully in her chest.

Olivia waited, almost afraid to breathe as he opened the door and stepped outside. She hadn't really known what to expect, but he was still Elliot Stabler. She watched as he made his way down the steps, his expression solemn and a little scared. She stepped toward him, her hands hanging loosely at her side, "somehow I thought I would be out here all night," she said quietly. He looked at her then, "you shouldn't have come Liv, not yet…"She shook her head in disbelief, stepping closer to him, "you wouldn't return my calls, I had to hear you were quitting from Cragen, do you have any idea what you've put me through?" she said loudly this time.

"What I've put _you _through? What about me, I killed that girl Olivia, I can't go back now…not even for you." She could see his jaw clenching as he stood there, more distant from her than he had ever been.

"So this is it, you're just leaving…and if I hadn't come by here, what? You would have just never seen me again? I thought I meant more to you than this…" She was crying now, there was no way she could control it. Olivia was a little afraid that she was creating a scene in front of his house, a spurned lover coming to beg him to leave his wife, they would think.

Elliot moved toward her then, pulling her into his arms and he held her while she cried, placing kisses against her hair. "I'm so sorry, Liv…I just can't do it any more", he said, tightening his arms around her when she cried harder at his words. She tried to pull away but he held her close, "you mean so much to me, I just need time, I may be leaving SVU but we can still be in each other's lives."

Olivia lifted her head from where she'd been crying against his neck and she looked at him, her mind screaming at her to stop. She couldn't control herself, and before she knew it, her fingers were wound through his hair and her lips were pressed against his.

She felt his hand circle her waist and pull her tighter into him, the kiss deepening. The gravity of their actions didn't hit until a car ambled by loudly, the driver hooting loudly at the couple embracing on the sidewalk. Olivia pulled away quickly, her face flooding with color. Elliot reached for her, "Liv, wait, "he called out, but she didn't stop walking and he didn't follow her.

Next: Liv makes some changes in her life, but not all of them are for the best.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the delightful prose; the rest belongs to NBC universal and so on.

Note: Thanks for the reviews, much appreciated! I'll try to update soon, but it's my birthday tomorrow so, Sunday.

_Away_

_Olivia pulled away quickly, her face flooding with color. Elliot reached for her, "Liv, wait, "he called out, but she didn't stop walking and he didn't follow her. _

Olivia kept walking, refusing to turn around. She was grateful that some random asshole had seen them kissing and not his neighbors, or heaven forbid…Kathy. "I kissed Elliot," she said quietly, needing to hear it out lout, but not quite believing herself. She must have started crying again because the people she passed on the sidewalk were giving her concerned looks. Stepping into a doorway, she quickly wiped her eyes and smoothed her hair.

It was their first kiss, and it happened in the middle of the night in front of his house. Olivia was disappointed that it happened the way it did, she'd imagined it countless times but this was so much less satisfying. Olivia was disappointed in herself for giving into her loneliness; she knew he must think her so desperate.

It was late and she was exhausted, but Olivia knew that she couldn't go back home just yet. She took a deep breath and hailed a cab to the precinct, she'd sleep in the cribs and let the familiar sounds of work lull her to sleep. She was met with relative silence, only a skeleton crew was working the phones and she was glad to see the lights out in Cragen's office.

Olivia wasn't really ready to discuss Elliot with anyone from work, they knew the situation too well and wouldn't be fooled by her weak protests of, "I'm fine." She trudged to the cribs, grabbing Elliot's sweatshirt from the back of her locker, she'd swiped it months ago and wanted nothing more than to pass out surrounded by his smell.

When she woke up it was a few hours later, but she felt even worse than before. Her head was throbbing and she had barely been able to relax before remembering the kiss with Elliot, and how she ran from him like a child.

Olivia could barely motivate herself at work, perfunctorily going about her business. Fin and Munch had noticed her absentmindedness throughout the day, and were concerned. Cragen had told them about Elliot, and while they would each miss working with him, their main concern was for Olivia. It was obvious to everyone that she was in love with him. It was also obvious that he was trying like hell not to feel the same for her. They wondered how long she would be able to pretend that things were alright and that she could just go on without addressing things, and moving on.

Olivia sighed loudly, prompting Fin and Munch to invite her out for drinks after work. Olivia declined, knowing that they were just concerned about her, but not wanting to worry about being observed the whole night. A drink was a good idea however, and she made her way to a place she'd gone for her birthday with Elliot a few years ago. It wasn't particularly healthy to indulge herself in painful memories, but she couldn't help herself and didn't want to go home just yet, she needed to get away.

She stepped into the restaurant, taking a seat at the bar. They made experimental cocktails suited to whatever mood you wanted; she remembered that Elliot jokingly picking a virility blend. She'd raised her eyebrows, surprising herself by suggesting the drink wasn't necessary. They'd flirted all evening, but parted ways in the end.

Olivia ordered a cocktail that was supposed to stimulate cheer in the drinker, smiling at the bartender's comment that such a beautiful woman shouldn't need cheering up. Eventually she caught someone's eye, and let him buy her three more drinks. By the end of the night, she was supremely cheered, and hadn't thought about Elliot once. She didn't particularly like the guy, but nothing was stopping her from having a little fun. She was still a beautiful woman and it was a waste for her to sit cloistered in the precinct.

Olivia accepted his business card before finally leaving the restaurant, her mind spinning from the cocktails, and the attentions of a man that wasn't a rapist or a co-worker. Olivia went home, for once not dreading the rest of the night before her. She was going to chase this feeling, something she hadn't felt in a long time, excitement. Her job was anything but boring, but her life outside of work was non-existent.

She needed to spend some time dealing with herself, and while she was still committed to SVU something had to give. Without Elliot there, she'd lost her surrogate husband and her crushing singleness and childlessness was no longer something she could ignore. Olivia could feel the anxiety and tension building inside of; a need for her to _do_ something was overwhelming.

She jumped out of bed and paced the floor, thinking about Elliot and work and what she wanted out of her life. She wondered whether her years at SVU had done anything to assuage her conflict about her conception, and her guilt about her mother; she was just as bitter about both. While she helped victims she couldn't really ever seem to help herself. Olivia waited for a respectable hour to call Cragen and request a few days off.

Olivia spent the time trying to relax; calling the few friends she had left that weren't from work. She was pleasantly surprised at sheer volume of men that were interested in her. Married friends called single friends who were enamored by her at first sight. Every day she found herself laughing at the jokes of a different guy, before politely declining every offer to see her home. It was just nice to have the validation she thought to herself. No man was Elliot though, and she realized she was comparing them all to him. She would have to start getting over him; they hadn't spoken since the kiss and when he didn't message or call, she started to let him go.

Elliot was married and he wouldn't leave his wife, not with Eli still so young. If they were going to get together, it would have happened when he left Kathy the first time. Olivia had foolishly played the concerned partner and friend, instead of showing up at his door in lacy underwear.

Her door buzzed loudly, and Olivia hopped off of the couch, grabbing her jacket and heading downstairs. She was having dinner with the business associate of a friend, they'd met years ago but she was never able to make their dates because of work. He smiled appreciatively at her as she walked toward him. Her hair was lightly curled and framed her face nicely; she had squeezed herself into a low-cut black dress, and was striding toward him on uncomfortably high heels. She let him hug her, slightly annoyed when his hand fell just above her ass.

Olivia almost didn't hear the voice softly say her name, but she turned to see Elliot standing there in front of her house. Immediately her heart began to pound inside of her chest, a she searched for something, anything to say. Elliot walked toward her, ignoring the confused man with his arm around Olivia's waist. She pulled away self-consciously, asking for a moment before leading Elliot inside her lobby. The moment the door closed she whirled toward him, "what are you doing here Elliot? " He blanched slightly at her tone, "I needed to see you… I went to work….they said you'd taken a few days, and I was worried. " She stared at him, anger flashing across her face, "worried about me? Since when do you really care about me? It's always about you Elliot."

Elliot grabbed her arm, pulling her close to him, "oh no, baby, it's always about you, and what's that outside? You kiss me, and I come here and you're going out with that asshole?" he said angrily into her ear. She shuddered at his closeness, lifting her eyes to his, "you don't own me Elliot… I don't know why you're here but as you can see, I have plans." Elliot raked his gaze down her form, swallowing thickly, "yes, I can see that," he said, still gripping her arm.

"Let me go, Elliot," she said softly, tugging her arm from his grasp and turning for the door. Elliot stopped her, "Olivia, I need to see you….we have to talk, can I come by later?" She nodded, not turning around, "tomorrow," she said before leaving.

Olivia stepped into the car, apologizing for her partner and trying to keep her attention on the man next to her. It was impossible; she was filled with conflicting emotions about Elliot. She wondered what he wanted, if it was a "let's save our friendship" discussion, she would probably kick him out. Olivia had to be careful, whatever he wanted would cost her something, and she knew that when it came to Elliot, she would give him anything….everything.

Next: Decisions are made, and E/O angst ensues.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the delightful prose; the rest belongs to NBC universal and so on.

"_Let me go, Elliot," she said softly, tugging her arm from his grasp and turning for the door. Elliot stopped her, "Olivia, I need to see you….we have to talk, can I come by later?" She nodded, not turning around, "tomorrow," she said before leaving._

_Away_

Olivia hadn't been able to focus on anything after Elliot accosted her outside. After her date she almost didn't want to go home. She was afraid that Elliot would be standing there, wanting to come upstairs and that she'd let him.

Elliot had been calling her for two days but she couldn't bring herself to answer. She sat her at desk staring dumbly at her computer, her fingers poised to type an e-mail to him, when she heard her name. Olivia knew that it was him; his voice was always in her head. She turned around slowly in her chair, anxiety flooding through her. Not trusting her voice, she simply stared at him and let Fin and Munch surround him with hugs and questions.

His eyes never left her and when he came over to her desk he leaned close.

"You never returned my calls, we need to talk….let's go."

He said almost angrily into her ear. Olivia nodded mutely at him, and gathered her things. The guys watched Elliot practically drag her from the room, and they shared a knowing look before returning to their work.

Olivia sat in his car, her hands shaking in her lap. He hadn't spoken to her again, simply staring ahead as they drove. She began to get nervous when they neared her apartment, and turned onto her street.

"Why are we at my place?" she asked frantically, cringing at the shrillness of her voice.

Elliot turned to her almost angrily, throwing the car into park, "because we really need to talk, and a coffee shop isn't the place." Olivia stared ahead, considering her options before climbing out of the car and heading into her building.

She could feel Elliot behind her when she unlocked her door. He was all body heat and testosterone; his masculinity it was his finest quality, and her great weakness. She sat heavily on her couch, crossed her arms defensively, and looked at him. Elliot had shed his jacket and was standing in her living room in a gray t-shirt and a pair of jeans. He eating her alive with his eyes, and she could feel the tension rolling off of him.

He came over to the couch and sat down, turning toward her immediately.

"We need this talk because you have to understand why I turned in my papers." Elliot grabbed her hands then, ignoring the look of shock on her face and the trembling that he felt.

"When I shot that poor girl, it took something from me that I can never get back." He looked at her, still holding her hands. "I think that the only thing that kept me at SVU in the end was you Olivia."

She felt herself want to cry again, but was trying like hell not to. Elliot didn't need her to be a mess, he was finally giving her what she wanted, an explanation. She nodded, relaxing a bit into the couch but sliding her hands from his. He pursed his lips at this, but continued.

"I know that you wanted us to be able to stay at SVU forever… it's our own family in a way, but too much has happened, and it's no longer the about the same things it used to be. I feel like I can still see her blood on my hands Olivia and I can't…..I can't go back to that anymore. We deserve happiness, and peace…I just want that," he said, grabbing her hands again," I want that for us both."

Olivia jerked her hands from his grasp, "I'm sorry El, but that's not acceptable", He blinked at her silently, "excuse me?"

"Elliot, we have all had our demons and our terrible moments where the job didn't seem worth it…you and I have both been through hell. But don't sit there and put this on me or that girl."

She got up from the couch then, pacing in front of her coffee table.

"What about the body of work that we've built together? You say that you stayed at SVU because of me, that's bullshit, your wife hates it that you worked with me for so long, your kids…it was more than just me that kept you there, you loved the work in spite of all of the problems it caused you… you were more motivated to help our victims than anyone!" She yelled at him, suddenly glad that they were in her apartment.

He stared at her, his brow furrowed deeply and his mouth in a hard line. She had never spoken to him so candidly, and with both of their emotions running wild, the atmosphere in the room was unbearable.

Elliot stood up then, "This has always been about you, just as much as the work Olivia, I care about you." He stepped toward her, ignoring the tear snaking its way down her cheek.

"Don't say things you don't mean Elliot," she whispered at him coldly before heading over to her kitchen, and pouring a glass of water. She needed a moment away from this fight that they were now having. She couldn't believe he would say he stayed for her, like she was to blame for him being there to shoot Katie? Olivia whirled around, water sloshing over the edge of her glass, surprised to find Elliot right behind her.

"I do care about you, and you know it," he said to her, his face inches from hers now.

"Also, you kissed me," he said, shocking her from whatever trance she'd fallen into. "You kissed me, and then you ran," he said, moving closer to her.

"When I saw you with that guy, I wanted to kill him….Jesus, ok, fine," he said, closing what little distance there was between them.  
>"Olivia, I haven't been able to get you out of my head for past six years….that kiss just reminded me of everything that I had been missing."<p>

She was panting lightly now, unable to get enough oxygen to her brain because apparently all of the air had left the room. She could feel herself moving back ever so slightly, just for some distance between them. Before she could move, his arm shot out and he grabbed her around the waist pulling into him.

"You stole our first kiss," he said, his breath hot against her ear before lowering his lips to hers.

He kissed her softly, his lips prying hers apart and sliding his tongue along her bottom lip. She whimpered into his mouth, her head unable to comprehend exactly what was happening. Olivia wasn't sure how long they stood there against her stove, kissing before she realized what she was doing and pushed him away, their lips parting with an audible pop.

"No, we are not doing this….do you have any idea what you're doing to me?" she asked. "You have your wife, your kids….I have….I can't give you any more power over my life Elliot."

He tried to reach for her again but she moved away.

"We've talked, and you gave me the explanation I needed. I am sorry for kissing you, it was out of line, and I was just…..distraught." Elliot grabbed her wrist, his voice pleading with her, "Don't do this Liv, I…" Olivia stopped him, pulling her arm away.

"Don't do this? You left me."

Olivia left the kitchen, grabbing her purse and throwing open her front door,

"I have to get back to work, and I'm sure you have to get home to your family, " She said bitterly, "anyway, I think we need some time. "

Elliot stared at her for a moment before grabbing his jacket and following out of her apartment. She closed the door behind them and they headed outside.

"At least let me take you back to work?" he asked tentatively, holding open the passenger door, "please," Olivia nodded, climbing into the car quietly.

They didn't speak the entire ride, and Olivia wasn't interested in making conversation. Elliot was maybe a few minutes away from committing adultery with her, if she would have let him. She should not have kissed him in the first place; things were too tumultuous for her to introduce yet another variable.

She relaxed visibly when the precinct came into view, suddenly eager for the monotony of paperwork and Munch's absurd ramblings. Elliot was far too dangerous a subject for her now, she would have to try and move past him. Elliot parked across the street, turning toward her and placing a hand on her knee before she could run from the car.

"This isn't over Olivia, but I am sorry I kissed you like that, I just...we're complicated."

"I know, "Olivia said softly, patting his hand before finally exiting the car.

She sat back at her desk, the boys ignoring her red eyes and somber expression. Elliot had done something she'd only ever dreamed about, but it was ruined now by his absence across from her and his marital status. She knew that she would never let herself be the other woman. He would inevitably return to her, and she would be devastated.

But still, when he kissed her, she felt all the things she had imagined a woman would feel with the man she loved. Olivia knew that she would never feel this with another man, but that she had to find an alternative, something at least resembling her feelings for Elliot. He left her alone with this crushing weight and while he always had a wife and a family to go to, she had nothing. This was no fair trade.

Olivia's phone chirped at her, startling her out of yet another reverie. Elliot, of course was asking her to dinner later in the week. She stared at the message for at least an hour before deleting it from her phone. Olivia was going to instead, have dinner with someone from computer crimes who'd been asking her out for the last two years, she was tired of waiting for Elliot to give her the life she'd always wanted.

Note: Sorry for the lateness, I was busy aging like a lady. Reviews and comments are always welcome, I have only written few stories so feedback = necessary.

Next: Olivia's resolve is shaken by bad news…rating may even turn to M…but I remain hopeful we can keep things clean.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the delightful prose; the rest belongs to NBC universal and so on.

_Away_

Olivia hadn't spoken to Elliot for two weeks, not since their conversation in her apartment. He'd called her and even come by the precinct again, but she'd been out on a call. Things had been too raw for her still, what she needed right now was to be away from him.

SVU had been getting more complicated; she had two new detectives to train and learn to trust. All the work was keeping her sane because she wasn't able to lapse into silence until lunch. Now lunch was a solitary affair for her, spent on the roof or in an empty room where she could let her thoughts wander. She'd eaten nearly every meal with Elliot. They would sit side by side, leaving barely enough room to move. It was the only time they were safe to do that, she supposed.

A few years ago, she would have given anything to have him in her apartment, whispering in her ear. But things were unpredictable now, he wasn't himself and she definitely wasn't the Olivia she used to be. Elliot wanted her, of that she was certain but she wasn't going to ask him to leave his family. He would probably resent her and end up blaming her in the end. Then, she would have ruined her last real relationship for good.

Olivia left for work early, heading to the gyms to work out some of her tension. She had been depressed about Elliot and neglecting her fitness. As she began to run steadily on the treadmill she tried to put everything out of her mind and think about what she wanted for Olivia. Since Elliot couldn't really ever be "it" she would someone else.

She didn't even notice the officers eyeing her from across the room, as impressed with her endurance as they were with her cleavage. That was how she met Matthew. Normally, Elliot would have come down looking for her, and her admirers would have scattered to the wind. But, there was no Elliot; she'd made sure of that. Matthew was tall, funny, and worked in homicide, which made him almost perfect for her. When he'd cornered her after her workout she surprised herself by flirting with him and accepting a date.

The first time they slept together, she nearly called him Elliot, and he knew it. But, he stayed the night all the same. When work permitted Olivia would invite him over, Elliot's face in the back of her mind. They went on that way until two months had passed without her even realizing it. She wasn't in love, but he was a welcome distraction and maybe in time she'd want him as much as he wanted her.

Between work and Matthew, Olivia was experiencing what she'd always imagined to be a full life. She sat at her desk, her hair clipped up messily and bags under her eyes. She hadn't been home in two days because of a series of rapes that had been coming through their doors, same perp and little or no physical evidence. Olivia stretched slowly, her muscles aching from the hours she'd spent hunched over files.

She was so wrapped up in the file that she didn't hear the quiet cough behind her, and so was startled when someone tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped up prepared to unleash on someone, when she saw Elliot's daughter, Kathleen. Olivia cleared her throat nervously, taking in the concerned expression of Kathleen's face.

"Did something happen to Elliot?" she asked immediately, her voice raising a few octaves.

"No…not really," she said, "But I need to talk to you, can we go somewhere, it won't take too long."

Olivia nodded, and led her into an interrogation room…actually the very one where she'd fallen to pieces months earlier. She closed the door quietly behind them before pulling out a chair for Elliot's daughter.

"So, tell me what's going on." Olivia watched Kathleen fidget for a moment before she spoke.

"I know you and my dad had a fight or something, he calls you like all the time, and then hangs up."

Olivia whitened at this, he was usually so careful not to burden his family.

Kathleen continued, "Anyway, I just thought you should know….our grandma passed away a week ago and Dad isn't taking it well, we think she killed herself."

Kathleen was crying a little now, and Olivia wasn't sure what to do. She reached for the girl's hand, but she jerked it away.

"My mom doesn't know that I'm here, but I had to come….you need to call my dad, I know you're mad at him for quitting, but you need to just call him…he's really upset and he won't talk to anyone.

Olivia stared slack jawed at Kathleen for a moment before speaking, "I'm sorry about your Grandma, Kathleen, I know she had some problems."

Kathleen stood up quickly then, "This wasn't easy you know, my mom would kill me if she knew I was coming to you, of all people.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Olivia asked angrily.

Kathleen shook her head, "my dad cares more about you than he does about my mom, he won't even talk to her but he calls you all the time…or at least tries to."

There was nothing she could say to that. She thought that by cutting Elliot off, she was saving them the trouble of aching for each other. She had Matthew and SVU, and he had his family, that was supposed to be enough.

"Kathleen, what are you asking me…to call you father? I can do that, but I'm not sure why you're getting angry."

"I'm angry because if you wanted him, he would probably leave my mom."

Olivia started at this, "that's just not true…we're par…"

Kathleen stopped her," You're more than friends and way more than partners. He's been sleeping on the couch, I hear him say your name in his sleep."

Olivia was shaking now, his daughter was telling her everything she'd ever wanted to hear but it was bittersweet. His mother was dead, and his daughter was crying because apparently her parents were on the verge of a divorce.

"I don't know what to say to that Kathleen, but I can tell you I will call your father and check on him, beyond that there's nothing I can do." She said tersely, hoping her confident façade was working.

Kathleen looked at her, with obvious resentment.

"You'll have to go see him, he threw his phone against the wall and drove to grandma's to pack the place up….and turned her phone off."

Olivia sighed heavily," Alright…so I'll go up there and check on him, then I'll call you ok? Don't worry about him; he's just going through a lot right now."

Kathleen stared at her, "ok, thank you…and I'm sorry that I was mean to you earlier, I guess my mom has blamed you in the past for dad's…distance."

Olivia nodded at her before standing and opening the door, "I should get back out there, but thanks for telling me what you did," Olivia said as she ushered Kathleen past the confused faces of Munch and Fin.

She slumped back into her seat, ignoring Fin's attempts to catch her attention. Eventually he came and sat on the edge of her desk, forcing her to look up at him.

"So, what was little Stabler doing here? Something wrong?" he asked.

"Yeah, El's mother died…she wants me to go check on him while he packs up her house," Olivia said, averting her gaze again.

Fin slid off of her desk and into Elliot's old seat across from her. "So, how are things between you two….it's uh, been a while hasn't it? " She nodded at him, reluctant to speak because she was certain her voice would shake.

"Well, if you're not sure you can handle going up there…we can ride along, if you want, be nice to see Stabler." Fin offered hopefully, not really wanting her to come back a wreck.

Olivia had been pretty happy the last few months with Matt and with the new guys. He just didn't want her going back to where she was before, when Elliot first left.

"It's ok Fin, I can handle him for a couple of hours I think; besides we were together…"

"For twelve years, yeah I know…I was there too, remember?" he interrupted jokingly, before returning to his desk.

Olivia smiled at him, appreciative for the obvious concern of her co-workers. They all knew how close she and Elliot had been and they were worried about her now.

Her smile faded when she considered what was waiting for her. Olivia sent a text to Matthew telling him that she would be home late; she didn't want to even consider staying the night with Elliot. She worded the text carefully, since he was well aware of her partnership with Elliot and hated the photo she kept of him in her bedroom.

Matthew taken care of, Olivia asked Cragen if she could take a personal day. It was still early, and she wanted to drive out there as soon as possible. The sooner she went to see about him, the sooner she could relax. She knew that he had a difficult relationship with his mother, she could relate as well as anyone.

Olivia grabbed her bag and headed to the garage to get her car, happy for the spare set of keys in her desk. She drove nervously on the highway, watching the city disappear behind her but unable to put her fears about Elliot out of her mind. He could be angry with her or burst into tears at the sight of her, she didn't know what to expect from him now.

Olivia thought about the things Kathleen said. His own daughter practically told her he was hers for the taking. Of course she wanted him, she'd always wanted him. But things were different now; she'd felt his absence acutely and he'd been gone less than a year. She was afraid of what would happen if she let herself love him the way she'd always wanted to; it would probably kill her.

As she neared her exit, she prepared what she would say to him, hoping that something good would come from this visit. Unrequited love is no joke, she thought, breathing in the ocean air.

Olivia turned onto his street, parking further down the block. She straightened her hair and makeup in the mirror before climbing out of her car. She walked slowly down the street, breathing as steadily as possible. She'd come here once before to meet his mother, and was no less anxious. Running a hand nervously over her hair one last time, she knocked on the door, her breath catching when he opened the door.

"Olivia", he said quietly, before stepping aside to let her in.

Next: I'm sure you'll be pleased.

Note: Thanks for the reviews; I should make a drinking game out of them…a shot for every review, or maybe I'll just high-five someone like usual…who KNOWS?


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the delightful prose; the rest belongs to NBC universal and so on.

_Away_

_Running a hand nervously over her hair one last time, she knocked on the door, her breath catching when he opened the door. "Olivia", he said quietly, before stepping aside to let her in._

Olivia walked quickly past him into the dimly lit house and settled her things on a chair. She took a deep breath before turning around to face him.

He looked a little haggard in his old NYPD shirt and some worn jeans, but his eyes were bright and a smile was forming at the corners of his mouth. Elliot was obviously happy to see her, and that was enough to get her through this.

"I heard about your mother El, I'm so sorry." she said, closing the distance between them and taking his hand.

"How did you know? We haven't exactly been on speaking terms," he said softly, his thumb softly rubbing her skin.

"Come on, let's talk outside….if I remember, this place has a beautiful view," she said, leading him outside.

Elliot followed her; still amazed that she was there. His mind was whirling from the last few weeks and everything that had happened. When he found out about his mother, he wasn't exactly in a secure place. Things at home were worse than ever and he was fighting with Kathy more than he spoke to her.

The kids were almost always out or avoiding them, and he couldn't shake himself out of whatever introspective coma he was falling into. Things were obviously deteriorating and so he packed his things and got away.

The worst part was that he didn't have the job anymore. There was just him and his problems in this house that up until a few moments ago was empty. Then he opened the door and Olivia was there, and a weight he hadn't even noticed, was lifted.

They sat side by side on the old wicker furniture, watching the waves spill clumsily onto the shore.

They were silent for a while; all the things Olivia wanted to say were somehow inappropriate given the peaceful day and the obvious pain her partner was in. So she decided to let Elliot say what he needed to say to her, in his own time.

" I don't think we've gone this long without seeing one another since Oregon, " he said quietly.

Olivia turned a bit to face him, almost reaching her arm across the table before thinking better of it.

"We both needed the time Elliot, you know that. We get too wrapped up in one another, it was happening again."

"So how exactly did you come to find yourself out here, when you should be working?"

"Kathleen came to see me, she was worried about you and no one could reach you."

Elliot pursed his lips at this, "and why did she think you of all people could persuade me?"

Olivia hesitated, not sure if she wanted to tell him everything his daughter said about them.

"Kathleen said you'd been trying to reach me, and that maybe this was a good time to get back to you, so…here I am."

"Well, her mother is certainly going to love that," he said bitterly before turning toward her.

Olivia sighed, "Can you tell me what happened?"

Elliot nodded, "it was pills and it was planned out for months, everything was basically packed up….I just have to talk to the lawyer about the property and it'll be done."

"I'm so sorry Elliot, I know that you two had a complicated relationship…and I just we hadn't spoken in a while, but Kathleen was so worried, I just want to make sure you're ok."

Elliot smiled at her, "I wasn't ok at all Olivia, I didn't even want to talk to anyone until I saw you at that door, it was the first relief I've felt in a long time."

Olivia smiled weakly at him, not sure how to react to the change in his tone.

Elliot clenched his jaw, "when we left your apartment that day, all I could think about was how I was going to tell Kathy that I was in love with you."

Olivia's eyes widened at this, her mouth going dry, "Elliot," she started, but stopped when he left his chair coming to kneel in front of her.

"Elliot, what are you doing?" she asked her voice the highest and weakest she had ever heard it.

"Olivia, when my mother died, she left me this letter," he said, pulling folded papers out of his jeans pocket.

He handed it to Olivia, the paper quivering from his shaking hand. "It's not quite a suicide note, but the things she says, they were exactly what I needed to hear." Elliot said, his hand resting warm and intrusive on her knee as he stared up at her.

Elliot stood up, walking toward the doors, "I'm going to make us some coffee, I want you to read the letter," he said before disappearing inside.

Olivia read quickly, her eyes scanning the scratched handwriting before looking up at Elliot, surprised to find her face wet with tears.

Elliot came back with the coffee, and she had to admit it was a welcome distraction from the intense emotions she was feeling.

He sat down heavily, and started to speak, " She wrote that letter for me, I'm not sure why because we weren't the closest but…I think she knew what I was going through and didn't want me to….end up like her. "

Olivia nodded, wiping another tear from her cheek. "I don't know what to say Elliot."

"She wasn't ever happy, not in the way she knew she could have been…she wrote about you Olivia, about how lucky I was to have you in my life. She said when I talked about you it was like I was the Elliot she remembered, and when she met you, she knew why."

Olivia couldn't look at him; she didn't know how things had gotten so out of hand. She'd only meant to see how he was, not to have these revelations unleashed on her. So, she kept her eyes on the shore and her mind on the long ride home, and not about how badly she wanted to hold him.

"Elliot, I know you're hurting right now but it'll take more than me to fix things," she said softly.

"You more than any of us Liv deserves a change to be happy. I've been in love with you all of this time but I stayed away, I only let myself have part of you…but now I see we've been doing this for nothing, we've wasted so much time Olivia, I don't want to waste anymore."

Elliot was standing in front of her now; pleading it would seem for her to acknowledge everything that she had been fighting for the better part of a decade.

"Elliot, I…."

But she never got to finish, he'd pulled her from her seat and wound his fingers through her hair before slamming his lips to hers. He worked her mouth open with his, thrusting his tongue inside of her mouth, tasting her. She moaned against his mouth, her arms wrapping around his neck as he pulled her into him, his arms around her waist.

Elliot only pulled away to draw breath, before dropping soft kisses against her hair, her temple, and then her lips, again.

Olivia smiled against his mouth, this was what their first kiss should have been, she thought.

Elliot pulled away only slightly, "I'm sorry about that, I just couldn't help myself…I don't want you to think this is grief talking either, I've made my peace with things….now I want to do things right, with you.

" Elliot, are you going to leave Kathy?" she said quickly, not quite believing the situation.

"I am, even if you hadn't come I was going to talk to her as soon as I was finished up here, tell the kids…and then come find you."

Olivia rested her head on his shoulder, lowering her arms around his waist. She would have stayed like that forever, but then a sudden pain shot through her, Ben.

There was absolutely no good way to tell him that she wanted to leave him for Elliot, who was technically still married. There was also no good way to tell anyone what was going on right now. What would his children think, their sister sent her to him and she steals them from their mom. The guys at work would shake their heads for a few months before accepting them. Even wrapped in his arms, there was no safe place for her.

Olivia pulled away, "Elliot, I've been seeing someone, it's not exactly serious but it's why I haven't been in touch."

Elliot stiffened at her words, his arms gripping her tighter and pulling her into him even more. "Who is he" he said gruffly into her ear.

"He's from homicide, it's not serious but…I owe him more than to just drop him, "She said pulling away from him now.

"Elliot, you have a lot ahead of you, and while I want to pursue something with you in the future, I can't while you're married …it would be too messy.

"Olivia doesn't just throw this away," he started, a panicked look on his face.

"I'm not throwing anything away, but I'm saying we're both going through something and it would be smart for us to give things time and not rush into anything, get things settled with Kathy, and I'll talk to Ben, and we'll take things slow….get comfortable with one another again. I want to do this right if we're going to do it."

Elliot nodded, "You're right…I'm sorry, I just didn't know if you'd disappear again, and I needed you to know how I felt."

"I'm sorry that I did that Elliot, I should have faced you sooner, I think that when you left SVU it meant we were finally free to do whatever we wanted and it scared me."

They kissed again, knowing it was going to be a couple of weeks before they'd see one another. In the back of her mind she was thinking about Ben and the awkward conversation she would have with him when she got home.

They separated only when Olivia's cell began to ring; she shot him an apologetic look and went inside to answer it.

She was a little relieved to hear Fin on the other line calling her in, she was exhausted from her conversation with Elliot and was excited for some work to distract her.

Olivia turned to find Elliot behind her, " I take it you got a call," he said.

"Yeah, I have to go in…Fin, but call me if you want to talk, I'll answer this time"

Elliot brightened at this, "that's good to know; I'll definitely take advantage of your offer."

Olivia grabbed her purse and jacket followed Elliot to the front door, "Don't worry Liv, I'll talk to Kathy end of the week, and I'll probably just come back here until I figure out a place…we're going to do this."

Olivia nodded at him and left, ignoring the queasy feeling building inside of her. Struggling to overcome her nausea, she jumped in her car and made her way back to work, blasting the radio and letting down the windows, anything to keep her occupied.

She was supposed to see Ben that night, but knew that she couldn't tell him about Elliot just yet. Something inside of her kept whispering that this could all change in a moment, that Elliot could change his mind. If that happened, she would be left alone again.

Elliot wouldn't like it at all, she thought, running a hand over her sick stomach. She'd been so run down, and now with Elliot things were obviously taking a toll. "No," she said aloud to herself, "when he leaves her I'll leave Ben." Things with Ben weren't perfect, but she wasn't going to throw away a decent guy until she was certain.

Olivia's drive back was tedious and when she arrived at work she could barely stand. Her head was aching miserably, and her nausea still hadn't passed.

Fin walked over to her, obviously concerned, "well, you look like you've been through something …you need some water?"

Olivia nodded before jumping from her seat and running to the bathroom, she barely made it in the stall before emptying her stomach violently.

Assuming she'd caught a bug, or eaten something bad from her neglected fridge, Olivia wiped the cold sweat from her brow and rinsed her mouth before returning to her desk.

"I'm fine," she said preemptively to the co-workers staring at her curiously.

She worked through the day, ignoring the pangs of sickness that would shoot through her. Eventually Fin and Munch threw their hands up, and called it a night giving her leave to do the same. She slipped out before anyone could ask her another question and headed meet Ben for dinner.

She was half convinced that she would tell him about Elliot the moment she saw him, but that didn't happen. Instead, she kept Elliot separate from the night choosing to focus on the man across from her.

Ben was attractive, but he looked more like Elliot than she cared to admit. He had the same intense gaze, blue eyes, and was a similar build. He also seemed to like her much more than she liked him. She wasn't doing anyone a favor by leading him on, but she didn't want to snap her only life line prematurely.

Ben smiled at her from across the table, but there was something behind the smile. "How was your day?" she asked.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, " he said, "we got a break in our case and unfortunately for me, our informants was identified, which means that one of us as been tapped to go undercover, and of course they picked yours truly."

Olivia stared at him for a moment, both concerned that he was going undercover, and a little relieved that she would have some time to herself.

"How dangerous is it, and how long do they need you?" she asked matter-of-factly

Ben chuckled lightly, "and that's why I love you, no hysterics" he said quickly, not realizing that he'd just said he loved her.

Olivia cleared her throat nervously, and Ben hastily filled her in on the details of his assignment. He would only be in mild danger and he would be gone about a month.

After his awkward love declaration, she would either have to tell him now or let him find out that she was with Elliot when he got back. Olivia realized it was wrong to keep him going and was poised to tell him about Elliot when he reached across the table.

"I just want you to know, things have been really good with you in my life…and it'll make the time pass, make this stint a little easier knowing you're here."

Olivia sighed deeply, and smiled back at him. She would just tell him when he got back, no need having him distracted when he needed to have his wits about him. She only hoped that Elliot would have the same luck with Kathy.

Next: ALL the things.

Sorry for the late update. Thanks for reading and reviewing.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the delightful prose; the rest belongs to NBC universal and so on.

_Away_

Like they'd agreed, Olivia and Elliot took time from one another while they tended to all their loose ends. He needed to talk to the kids, explain things to the youngest, and hope that his wife didn't keep him from his family. When Elliot called Kathy to let her know he was finally coming home, he'd expected more emotion from her. Instead of being angry, or happy to have him back she simply said, alright, and hung up.

Elliot was exceedingly nervous when he pulled up in front of the house. He wasn't sure if the children were home, or what had been going on. Of course he'd spoken to his children during his fugue, but not to Kathy. He couldn't bring himself to pretend that things were alright, knowing he was preparing to ask for a divorce.

When he opened the front door, he had to push a bit to walk all the way into his living room, there were several boxes stacked behind the door. He looked around incredulously at all of his things in bags and boxes. Kathy came down the stairs holding a garbage bag with his a few of his neck ties hanging sloppily from it.

"Ah, you're back…after only a few weeks…how thoughtful Elliot. Well, I talked to Kathleen; she told me that you talked to Olivia….and that's when I packed your things."

"Kathy, we need to talk….let's just sit down for a minute," he said a little desperately, gesturing toward the couch.

"I don't need to sit because there's nothing to talk about, I drove up there three times and you told me to go home, or you didn't answer the door….but you let her in."

"Kathy, I didn't want it to happen like this, but there is something you should know….I"

Kathy cut him off by throwing the bag of ties at his head, "This is over. We've been dead for a long time Elliot, and I'm ready for us both to move on."

Elliot stood there, unable to articulate any of his thoughts. He was both horrified and relieved at the same time. His only intentions in pushing Kathy away were to spare her and the kids his thunderous rage. He'd punched four holes in the walls and had to fix them himself, no one deserved to see that. He'd let Olivia in because she was just as damaged as he was, and was able to help him on occasion, to share his burden.

Elliot looked at his wife, and hung his head, " You're right….but we need to talk to the kids as soon as possible, and work out when I can get to see Eli at least," he said before rising off the couch with a sigh.

"Elliot, My lawyer is already drawing up the papers, we assume you'll use the same representation as last time?" she asked.

"Yeah, everything should be the same…well, almost." Elliot said, grabbing two bags of his things and turning for the door.

"Should I tell the kids you'll be at Olivia's? " Kathy asked, unable to hide the bitterness in her voice.

"Yeah," Elliot said, not turning around as he walked out of the door.

Elliot packed what he could into his car, promising to get the rest later. He called Olivia a few times on her cell but she didn't answer, he wasn't sure what had been going on with her lately but he wanted to give her space. Now, he needed a couch and her's was the only one he could think of sleeping on.

When she didn't answer her phone he dropped by work, where Fin informed him she was home sick. He was worried now, since she always answered her phone so he headed to her apartment and used the key she gave him to let himself in.

He walked into the dark apartment, wrinkling his nose at the strong smell of vick's, and tea in the air. Olivia wasn't there and started to panic bit. He was about to call Fin again when she walked through the door. Olivia looked the worst he'd ever seen her, but he still couldn't help the absurd smile that broke across his face.

Olivia jumped when she saw him standing in her apartment, a garbage bag full of ties clutched in his hand.

"What's this?" she asked, making her way over to the kitchen where she dumped a large bag of medicine on her counter.

"I could ask the same question, " he said, " but you're sick so I'll spare you….Kathy had me packed when I got home, it was the easiest breakup in recorded history, and then I came home to you."

Olivia smiled at this, "I'm happy you're here, but I'm the sickest I have ever been and my stomach is killing me so, I assume it's the flu and you should stay back," she said as he walked toward her.

Elliot shook his head, pulling her into a kiss, "don't want to stay away, want to kiss you and make you tea, and put you to bed," he said, dropping his lips to hers.

Olivia moaned into his mouth, wrapping her arms around his waist as he pulled her closer. They had only kissed a few times but each was progressively better than the one before it. She would have kept kissing him, but her stomach began to quiver in warning and she ran to the bathroom. This bug was wearing her out, but Elliot's solid presence behind her was soothing.

When she came out of the bathroom he told her she needed to see a doctor, and maybe purchase some disinfectant for his health.

She laughed at that, accepting the hot cup of tea that he handed her. They settled on the couch, his arm around her shoulders and their sides touching. She leaned her head against his chest, and sighed contentedly.

"For a man who just got tossed out, I'm feeling alright," he said against her hair.

"Well, if you ever stop feeling alright you'll let me know? I know how important you children are to you; I don't want us to interfere with that." She said quietly, slightly anxious all of a sudden.

"My kids know what you mean to me, and they're older now…Eli will get used to things…we'll be alright….you just feel better, and call that doctor in the morning."

Olivia nodded sleeping against his chest, "tomorrow" she said, before closing her heavy lids.

Olivia woke up wrapped around Elliot, and almost thought she was dreaming. But it was all too real. His things were cluttering her living room, his smell was on her clothes, and his arms were around her. Despite the churning in her stomach, she felt amazing. Of course she never called the doctor, preferring to go to work before Elliot woke up.

When she got in, she had a message from Ben saying that he was done with his assignment and after a week of debriefing he would be home. Her stomach dropped violently when she thought of how selfish she'd been with him. She'd used him like an insurance policy, just in case Elliot wasn't the man she thought he was. But, he was a good man who just had too many obligations. Olivia hadn't expected Elliot to show up in her apartment with his things, but now with him there she felt something she hadn't felt since Calvin left, peace.

Olivia spent the rest of her week waiting for Ben to contact her, dodging Elliot's concerned gaze, and fighting whatever flu had descended upon her. After throwing up at her third crime scene, Cragen sent her home early with instructions to get better. She fell on her couch, wincing at the slight pain that shot through her abdomen. She was certainly aching more than she ever had.

She turned on the TV, trying to focus on the three women claiming that one man was the father of all their babies, and failing. She closed her eyes, deciding to sleep through the worst of it. Unfortunately when she woke up several hours later, she felt even worse.

Elliot walked in to find her lying helplessly on the couch, and knelt by her.

"I have good news and bad news…which do you want first?" he asked, smoothing her hair from her face.

"Good news, please" she said weakly.

" Good news, is I got the consulting job…and I negotiated a higher salary."

"Congratulations," she coughed.

"The bad news comes in two parts….A. You're going to the doctor tomorrow. B. Fin called me….Ben came by looking or you, so you need to get on that immediately."

"Immediately…and what if I'd planned to keep you both?"She said mockingly, giggling in spite of herself as Elliot yanked her off the couch and into their bedroom.

"I don't like to share," he growled at her before kicking the door shut behind them.

Elliot made the doctor's appointment in the morning, when she could barely stand up without feeling waves of nausea and pain.

The doctor took some blood and chastised her for how badly she'd been neglecting herself. When he doctor came in, she could tell that something more was going on than just the flu. Elliot stood up immediately at the pensive look on her face.

"What's wrong?" she asked nervously.

The doctor sat down slowly, opening the file one more time before speaking, "Olivia, we ran some tests on your blood and there were some abnormalities. We want to do an ultra sound before we consider anything invasive but, we found some cancer markers.

Olivia and Elliot looked at one another immediately, his hand immediately reaching out for hers before returning their attention to the doctor. Their questions came at once, as they spoke over one another at the doctor.

She looked at them a bit bewildered, "Let's just do the ultra sound, find out what we're dealing with and then we can answer all of your questions."

She had Olivia lie down on the exam table and squeezed the gel on her abdomen, clicking the machine on. Olivia watched the grainy image, listening to the whirring of the machine, never moving her eyes from the screen. Elliot was a constant presence that kept her grounded, and she squeezed his hand harder when the doctor froze the screen.

"There's the mass just on your liver…seems to be on its own, but we're going to biopsy it immediately… I'd like you to stay overnight for observation, your symptoms are giving me some concerns and the biopsy will definitely put you out for a few hours."

They nodded in unison, still dumbstruck at the news they were getting. Olivia was convinced she'd picked up something from a disgusting perp, and Elliot had cracked endless jokes about it being morning sickness, but this was not something she'd ever considered.

She underwent the biopsy, and had to be anesthetized. Elliot was there the entire time, the nurse said, he wouldn't leave her side.

When she woke up, he was there, his hand in hers. While they waited for the results of her biopsy, they just talked about SVU, his kids, and how happy they were that at least now they were together.

Next: Results, drama, bitterness, and closure.

Note: Loved the guesses. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the delightful prose; the rest belongs to NBC universal and so on.

_Away_

Olivia hadn't really allowed the reality of the situation to sink in. It had been two days since she and Elliot found out that she had a mass. Fortunately, the doctor performed a biopsy and it was benign. She just needed to get through the surgery and recover enough to get back to work.

She would lose some of her liver in the procedure and would be considerably weakened for several months. As much as Cragen and the guys loved her, she was expecting to find a warm body at her desk within the month.

While it had been a short while, Olivia could already see that Elliot would not be leaving her side. She was more concerned about his reaction to the news than her own. They had only just come together and now, she was falling apart…literally.

For a moment she thought she might be pregnant, that it was Ben's, and that she would have to deal with him, Elliot, and a baby. It was foolish of her to dread such happy news, when the reality of the situation was undeniably bleak.

Olivia looked down at Elliot who had fallen asleep on her couch, with his head in her lap. She hadn't been sleeping well and he offered to stay up with her, holding her until she fell asleep. Tonight was difficult for him though; he'd been over to see the kids and made the mistake of explaining the somber look on his face to Kathy.

He hadn't been prepared for Kathy's smug smile, "well, karma IS a bitch", she said. Elliot hadn't been able to stay after that, kissing the kids good bye and going back to Olivia who was lying on her couch popping pain pills.

Olivia rubbed his hair and felt her eyes begin to droop, falling asleep within minutes. They woke up tangled together, with Elliot's head nestled conveniently in Olivia's cleavage.

"I wouldn't mind having this view every morning" he said, eyeing the smooth flesh spilling from the deep v of her shirt.

Olivia hit him playfully before reaching over Elliot for her phone. She winced at the sharp pain that shot through her at the awkward movement. Elliot was on his feet immediately asking if she needed to go to the doctor and scrambling around for his pants.

Olivia shushed him, and popped another pill, " I'll be fine just as soon as I hear from the doctor, she said I would be scheduled within the next week and then this will hopefully all be over, " she said weakly from the couch.

Elliot sat back down, unable to hide the worry on his face. "Promise me you'll say something if it gets too bad, I don't want you drugged out for the next week Liv, "he said, pressing a kiss on the back of her hand.

"I'll tell you if it gets bad El, but for now…I just want to relax."

"We have to tell Cragen and the guys soon, they just think you're out sick….or more likely shacked up with me." He said, wagging his brows suggestively at her.

"You're right El, but I just don't think I can handle their concern right now, things were just getting back on track since you'd left."

"You can't call in sick for two weeks, you'll need to be cleared for active duty, Liv…either you tell them or I will." He said seriously.

"Of course I'm going to tell them, just in my own good time." She said a bit sharply before going easing off the couch and marching into her bedroom.

Elliot was right of course, the sooner she informed Cragen the better for the department. They would need to fill her seat for however long she was recuperating.

Taking a deep breath, she dialed the number and waited to hear Cragen's low rumbling voice. It was easier telling him over the phone, because she was certain she would cry if she had to tell him that she had cancer, to his face.

Cragen did not take the news well and insisted on coming to her apartment with whomever else after their shifts that night. She was in no mood for visitors however, and promised to let him know when her surgery was so that they could visit her in recovery. She didn't want visitors, it was difficult to let her co-workers see weakness in her, that was almost as scary as the cancer itself.

Elliot stood just outside the door, and when she was finished with Cragen he took her in his arms and held her despite her protests.

She hadn't cried yet, being more proactively concerned with treatment options and keeping Elliot calm. Now, wrapped in his arms she allowed herself to relax just enough for the tears to fall, hot and salty down her face. Elliot simply held and kissed her, murmuring reassurances and hoping that his words were more than just words.

The doctor called the next day telling scheduling her surgery for later in the week, which was a relief to her. Elliot never wanted to leave her side. She knew that he cared about her, even loved her, but the level of dedication that he was showing was almost scary. She wondered what this would mean for their relationship after she'd recovered. They'd never had the change to be recklessly intimate with one another, so many obstacles kept derailing them.

When everything was over, she promised herself that they would go away and spend some time together without the crushing burden of adultery or illness to weigh them down.

The day of her surgery, Olivia was oblivious to the activity around her, focusing solely on Elliot. As she lay in pre-op, he simply sat on the bed with her, kissing her softly and telling her that he loved her, and would see her when she woke up. She didn't allow herself to think of what would happen if she didn't wake up. There was too much she wanted to accomplish that she'd been ignoring, that she'd put off for later. It had become later, she realized, and now that she had the man she'd always wanted, she only had to fight through one last hurdle. They kissed one more time, not even noticing that the nurse had walked in. With that, she was wheeled off and Elliot was left in the waiting room, not certain who exactly he had to turn to. Without Olivia there by his side, he felt more alone than ever.

Elliot sat in the waiting room for about 10 minutes before asking if there was anything he could do to keep him busy. Since he was a match for Olivia, they suggested that he donate some blood in case she should need it and that kept him from going crazy for a little while. It was another two hours before he saw Munch and Fin turn the corner to the waiting room with several brightly colored balloons and an obnoxiously large teddy bear.

"We thought about just waiting for you to call us, but then we realized that this was Stabler …and decided to put you out of your misery."Munch said placing the giant stuffed animal in its own seat before easing in the seat beside Elliot.

Fin sat on the other side off Elliot, pulling a flask from his jacket and handing it to Elliot who gratefully took a sip.

"Yeah, we've been letting you go through this on your own, should have just come by the day she called…the two of you got more than each other, you know." He said taking a drink.

Elliot nodded solemnly; he knew that Fin was right and that he hadn't actually dealt with his emotions. The only thing that ever broke through his façade was an occasional heart-wrenching moment of panic, when he would imagine his life without Olivia.

He listened to Munch and Fin bicker about their current case, and as the liquor burned warm in his stomach, his mind wandered to his children. He'd wanted to tell the kids but thought it was too much, too soon. The divorce was bad enough; they didn't need to deal with his stress as well.

But with Olivia sick he knew he was not present enough in his kid's lives. Kathy didn't make things any easier, refusing to let him see Eli the few times he was free. In time he hoped that Kathy would make peace with things and find someone that would make her happy.

The older kids understood the necessity of their divorce however, and were far more forgiving. Kathleen was mainly to thank for that, she'd been the one who recognized how badly he missed Olivia. She brought them together in the end, and when he moved the last of his things from the house, she'd gone with him to Olivia's and helped them unpack.

They sat there idly chatting to pass the time, waiting for the nurse to update them. Elliot was snapped out of his trance when one of the surgical nurses walked into the room after 4 hours. Immediately they turned toward her, subconsciously moving to the edge of their seats. She told them that the surgery had gone successfully, there had been no other tumors, and Olivia was being taken to recovery

The relief flooded through him, and he was happy to have the guys in the room with him to hear the good news. Within the hour people were flooding in, apparently Munch and Fin shared the news. Casey and Cragen rushed in right after Melinda, and the new detectives. There was probably no one left in the precinct to answer calls because everyone was crowded into the hospital.

Elliot felt odd at first; he hadn't seen a lot of these people since the shooting. It was a bit overwhelming to see everyone while also trying not to worry about Olivia in surgery. Everyone was just supportive however, and happy that Elliot and Olivia were finally together.

Everything was going really well until Fin stiffened beside Elliot, he looked up to see a guy walking frantically into the room.

"Sorry, I'm looking for Olivia Benson? The officers at the precinct said everyone would be here, I'm her boyfriend, Ben."

Next: Things progress.

Note: Thanks for reading/reviewing…I love it.


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