1. Chapter 1

_She finally drank her pain away a little at a time _  
_But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind_

.

_"Hey babe, you still workin'?"_

Olivia cleared her throat and chuckled "No, I eh, I finished already" She smiled down the phone.

"Who's that?" Jimmy nodded towards her and raised his glass, knocking back the last of the scotch in his glass.

Brian's heart stopped in his chest when he heard the man's voice in the background, it sounded nothing like Fin or Nick and she already said she wasn't working. _"Who's that, Liv?"_

"Uh, Jimmy Mac" She laughed.

_"The reporter?"_

"Columnist, the size of Jupiter" She corrected, laughing as she pointed at the man sitting opposite her.

_"Liv, have you been drinking?"_ It wasn't the first time he'd heard her drunken voice. Lately she'd been drinking a lot more than normal and it was starting to worry him. He'd come home to yet another empty bottle of wine, or find one on the floor by the side of the couch.

"Maybe a little bit, why? You mad?"

_"I'm not mad, Liv. I'm worried, it's almost midnight"_

"Don't be, I've been later before."

_"Yeah, I know that"_ He scoffed down the phone.

"Another one?" Brian rolled his eyes as the muffled, deep male voice in the background asked his girlfriend if she wanted another drink.

_"Babe, you want me to come and get you?"_

"I think so, yeah" Olivia sighed and ran her fingers through her hair as another glass of scotch was placed neatly in front of her. She said a quick goodbye to her boyfriend, her heart warming when he offered to come and get her, he was so sweet and considerate of her, always looking out for her. Lately they hadn't spent a lot of time together due to her commanding work and his undercover stints and she missed him, unknowingly filling the missing void with alcohol.

"You have a boyfriend?" Jimmy asked, his eyebrow raised slightly

"I do" Olivia grinned, bringing the glass over amber liquid to her lips.

"You love him?"

Olivia took a deep breath "Yeah. I do"

"You hesitated" Jimmy pointed and chuckled "Normally people in love don't hesitate"

She rolled her eyes and placed her glass back on the mahogany wood bar, her fingers began tearing at the edges of the white napkin in front of her. She and Brian had been on a tough road, thirteen years without speaking and then a quick fling that turned into a blossoming romance. She hadn't expected it to go anywhere; more of a 'fun while it lasted' sort of relationship but somewhere along the way in turned into something more.

After her attack he had been there every step of her recovery and still was to this day, when sergeant Tucker wasn't sending him here, there and everywhere. They had hit a stumbling block, a dip in their relationship, neither really knowing how to move forward and it scared her but she never wanted to bring it up, she couldn't be bothered with a fight, she was just too damn tired.

"I love him, Jimmy." She replied sternly "He's been there for me through everything"

"Okay" He shrugged back

"What?" She glared "Come on, tell me"

Jimmy leaned in and placed his hand on hers, he was so close she couldn't help but stare, his breath smelled of scotch and mint, his thumb slowly slipped under her hers and he held her hand.

"You're not the type of person to fall in love" He said quietly "You get bored easily, you're like me, in the beginning it's brilliant, magical even and then after a while it slowly fades" He gently squeezed her hand and trained his eyes to her lips "and you look to someone else for comfort, someone else who can quench your desires…"

"Liv?"

Olivia shot up and turned, pulling her hand away from the man in front of her upon seeing Brian standing a few feet behind them by the front door, a confused expression spread across his face as he took in the sight of her and Jimmy, their bodies close as he practically whispered in her ear.

"Bri, hey" She pushed back and slowly stood, her legs all of a sudden not feeling all that strong, all the alcohol she had consumed running straight through her veins making her body hazy.

"You ready?" He asked, turning his gaze from Olivia he glared at Jimmy Mac who was sitting back in his chair nursing his drink, an impressive smirk on his face. Brian clenched his fist by his side, fighting the urge to punch him in the face and send him flying to the ground.

.

"Hey," Olivia grabbed his hand as the got outside, turning into him "I missed you" She grinned, the alcohol giving her more confidence to admit her feelings, she had always been a little looser after a few drinks. She felt she could tell him everything she was scared to tell him before.

She leaned up and kissed his lips softly, her free hand cupping his cheek, she smiled into the kiss when his hands attached themselves to her waist.

"I missed you too," He replied with a small smile, his mind still running in circles after what he just saw.

They walked, well, Brian walked with Olivia stumbling along beside him in her heeled boots, the fresh air made her drunkenness worse. He pulled the car door open and helped her inside trying not to show his anger, she seemed in a better mood, obviously the drink helped but he didn't want to go back to the way things were before just yet, back when she barely said to words to him and then complained that they never saw each other.

.

Back at the apartment, Brian shrugged off his jacket and hung it in the closet before helping his girlfriend out of hers. Olivia tumbled onto the couch laughing as she kicked off her shoes and sat up, holding her hand out to him.

"Come here" She whispered with a smile.

He moved towards her and sat down, she grabbed his hand and moved closer, their thighs touching. She sighed and leaned into him, her head resting on his shoulder.

Brian tried to bite his tongue, he tried to think of anything else instead of what he saw at the bar but he couldn't, what would've happened if he hadn't been there, if he hadn't walked in at that moment?

"What was that at the bar? With that Jimmy guy…" He asked quietly.

"Nothing, he was just being an idiot."

"That's not what it looked like, Liv" He scoffed, silently cursing himself. One thing about Olivia, her happier mood after drinking was one thing but with it came an angrier her. Rather than her usual just-walk-away-and-don't-talk-about-it attitude, she was always ready for an argument.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She sat up and raised her eyebrow

"Oh come on, Liv. You know exactly what it looked like, the look on your face when I called your name said it all"

Olivia stood "What you think I was gonna make out with him?"

"Were you?" Brian remarked, "Because it sure looked cosy to me"

"You ass, I would never do that to you"

Brian turned away and walked towards the window, resting on the ledge. "Really? Because we haven't exactly been happy this last month or so…"

"That doesn't mean I'd go and fucking cheat on you! My god, Bri!" Olivia marched over to him; her hands gripped his shoulders partly to keep herself standing as her mind went a little fuzzy "I love you"

"The last four times you've told me that, you've been drunk" He countered quietly, watching as she stepped back and rolled her eyes.

"Okay, first I'm about to cheat on you and now I drink too much?"

"I didn't say that"

"Sure as hell sounded like it" She retaliated before moving to the kitchen. She pulled the fridge door open and grabbed the bottle of red she had opened the night before.

Her mind drifted back to Jimmy's words, was she bored? Had the spark faded in their relationship? No. It hadn't. She still got butterflies when she saw his face, a smile automatically spread across her face every time he called her 'babe' or reached for her in his sleep. The way he would come up behind her and kiss the back of her head made her blush and the sound of his sleepy voice first thing in the morning made her weak. She wasn't bored; they had just hit a rough patch, that's all. She tried to convince herself of that as she grabbed a wine glass from the rack by the sink.

Brian stood and walked towards her, he rounded the corner and stood behind her, grabbing the bottle from her hands. Olivia turned sharply, her back pressed against the counter. She glared at him for a few seconds before grabbing him by the neck, pulling him closer to her, she let out a quiet moan as their lips met, her arms wrapping around his neck as he leaned into her.

He dropped the bottle on the counter, his hands resting on her hips, gently gripping her as their tongues battled for dominance. Olivia smirked against his lips as she slid a hand down his chest, her fingers raking against the material of his shirt before grabbing at his belt buckle. The stale taste of scotch on her breath and her hand against the front of his jeans broke him from his trance causing him to pull away and step back from her.

"No" He muttered before turning on the coffee machine

"What the hell, Bri?"

"You're drunk" Brian replied, running his hand through his hair.

"So…we've had drunk sex before" She shrugged "Didn't stop you then"

"When both of us were drunk" He shot back

"You're angry, why are you angry? Is it because of the Jimmy thing?"

"Dammit Liv, of course it is!" He turned back to face her, "How do you think it makes me feel that you'd rather be at a bar getting drunk with some reporter than being with me?"

"You are never here" Olivia shrugged quietly

"Yeah, when I'm working I'm not. But I always come home to you. It kills me that you aren't happy, I never expected to fall for you as hard as I have. I never thought in a million years we'd end up living together, taking an actual shot at this but we are, we were…now it's like we're roommates and I hate it."

"So do I"

Brian silently made a cup of coffee and placed it on the counter beside her.

"What, getting me sober so you can fuck me?"

"No." Brian replied sadly, his heart clenching in his chest that she would even think he would do that to her "You have work in the morning, the last thing you need is to be showing up still drunk."

He pulled open the drawer by the sink and popped a couple of painkillers into his hand. He reached for her hand and placed the little white pills in her palm before handing her a glass of water. "That's for the headache, that hangover's gonna be a bitch"

Olivia looked at him, tears glassing her eyes as she slowly nodded "Thanks"

The silence between them was deafening, neither of them could find any words to say. Olivia quickly swallowed the pills and took a gulp of the steaming black liquid, her mind racing as Brian began to speak words that she never wanted to hear.

He cleared his throat, the words rattled around in his brain; he made a promise to her and was yet to break one. This was something he never wanted to say and he knew she never wanted to hear, but it had to be said before she got any worse.

"You made me promise after your attack to tell you if you were turning into your mother" He said quietly.

She felt a knife in her chest as she recalled those words. She had told him about how her mother turned to alcohol to cope, how aggressive she had been, how barely a day went by when she didn't have a drink and she made him promise to tell her if she was ever turning down that road.

"Am I?"

"When was the last day you went without a drink?"

Olivia glanced behind him to the already opened bottle of red wine that sat there, glaring at her from across the small space. She felt the need to grab it and down the lot. Pulling her bottom lip into her mouth she looked Brian in the eye and quickly turned away, she had spent her entire life trying so hard to avoid turning into her mother. She had vowed to herself that she would have a better life than the one she was raised with and she wouldn't turn to the bottle every time the road got a little rough.

Being commanding officer of an understaffed unit was dragging her down, the negative pregnancy test left a hole in her heart, as did the little baby boy that had yet to be claimed and her crumbling relationship, not to mention the nightmares she still had about her ordeal with Lewis. Every day seemed to just get worse and the only thing that seemed to help her forgot was alcohol.

"What do you want me to say?" She asked, her voice choked with tears

"I want you to tell me what's going on with you rather than running to the nearest bottle when you have a hard day"

"And if I don't?"

"Then you'll probably drink yourself to death and it seems there's nothing I can do to stop you."

He pulled her against him after a few harrowing silent minutes, sighing deeply when her arms automatically wrapped tight around his middle. "I want to help you Olivia. I love you but you have to trust me again," Brian kissed the top of her head and leaned hard against the counter, her body still gathered in his arms.

He tried to be as honest as possible; trying to make her see what was going on and that he was there for her, even if she was too blind to notice. "Otherwise what's the point?"

"Are you leaving me?" Her broken voice mumbled against his shirt after a few minutes.

"If you want me to, I will"

.

* * *

_I kind of have a mojo again. HOLLA._

_comments? do you want part two?_

_lyrics: Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley ft Alison Krauss_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


	2. Chapter 2

_The rumors flew  
__but nobody knew how much she blamed herself_

.

"_If you want me to, I will"_

_If you want me to…_

_I will…_

_I will…_

Olivia's mind spun in circles, her brain felt as if it was rolling around inside her skull, pounding against the bone, begging her to open her drunken mouth and beg him not to leave. Instead she bolted from his arms and hurled herself onto the bathroom floor just in time to empty the contents of her stomach into the porcelain bowl of the toilet.

Her left hand gripped the white basin while her right tried to push her dark hair back from her clammy face, her throat seared as the whiskey she had consumed just an hour or so earlier, violently made it's way back up leaving a permanent burn on her insides. She didn't hear the footsteps slowly following her into the bathroom, nor the sound of the glass of fresh water being placed on the floor just out of her reach. She did feel a hand creeping into her hair, brushing it back from her neck and face as a surge of cold tingled her body and she did feel the wet washcloth being placed flat out on the back of her neck.

"Breathe," He said quietly and his free hand gently rubbed soothing circles on her back.

She dry heaved a few more times before coughing the retched taste of alcohol from her mouth, swirling a few mouthfuls of water before spitting it back out. "Please don't leave me…" She quietly muttered, her voice echoed on the edges of the toilet bowl.

"I won't" Brian replied, his voice soft and comforting and she began to move away.

Olivia haphazardly pushed herself back against the edge of the bathtub, her hands reaching for the cool cloth on her neck, burying her face into it trying to sooth her damp skin. She felt her hands shaking against her face as the combination of fear of the end of their relationship and the adrenaline pounding in her veins from her physical battle of ridding her body of the excess amber poison she had consumed that evening came to a head.

She listened as Brian shuffled around the room getting rid of the evidence, the exact same manoeuvres she used to make for her mother all those years ago when she was just a child.

"Sorry"

"Don't be" He gingerly sat down beside her, moving his knees up to his chest he turned to face her. Her mascara had smudged under her eyes, faint tracks of eyeliner smeared down her cheeks and her skin had a different glow, the same glow she got from a nightmare or a panic attack, the overheated, clammy feeling of despair. And he loved her anyway.

"You still look beautiful" He smiled faintly, watching as she dipped her head and wiped a fresh tear from her cheek.

"Come here…" His raspy whisper rattled in the tiled room as he pulled her body to his, his strong arms gathering her up and onto his lap. "You should get some sleep" He kissed her head and spoke softly against her ear.

"I don't want to be my mother" She replied, letting him slowly run his fingers over her exhausted, still slightly tipsy body.

"You're not"

"You said I was"

"No" He insisted, "I said that you were on your way to becoming her, you're using drink to cope Liv, it's not healthy, it's doing more damage than good"

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes before the cool air of night caused Olivia to shiver in his arms, the full effect of alcohol bearing down on her bringing the beginnings of a hangover with it.

"Come on," Brian carefully moved her from her sleepy position in his lap, he held her against the edge of the sink before she slowly stumbled forward.

With his hands firmly on her hips he gently lifted her and sat her down, like a child, on the counter next to the sink. He watched her eyes focus before handing her the toothbrush, encouraging her to get rid of the tangy mix of whiskey and vomit that was bound to already be leaving a taste in her mouth.

Olivia lazily scrubbed her teeth trying to pay attention to what was going on, trying hard not to pass out from over-exhaustion and too much alcohol. Swirling mouthwash around her mouth she spat the blue liquid into the sink, groaning as her headache set in, her brain thudding as the bright lights in the bathroom became a bit too much for her to bear.

"Bed" Brian insisted as he helped her down from the counter and over to their bed. She collapsed on his side, letting him begin to undress her.

"I love you baby" She smiled, her eyes barely focusing on him as she buried her makeup stained face into the pillow.

"I love you too" He replied, pulling her black slacks from her body and removing her cream coloured shirt, replacing it with his large Yankees sweatshirt.

.

Two hours later, Olivia woke with her head still pounding. She slowly rolled her weary body over and reached for Brian but all she got was empty sheets. Her hazy mind thought of all of the worst possible scenarios in three seconds flat before she noticed the faint line of light peeking from underneath the bedroom door.

Standing on shaky legs, she quietly opened the door, seeing the dim lights in the kitchen she padded barefoot along the wooden floor. She stopped dead in her tracks against the refrigerator; his back was turned to her as he faced the sink. Her brow clenched in confusion, her eyes squinting against the bright light and she could barely find her voice due to the burning feeling in her throat.

"Hey…" She rasped, "What are you doing?"

Brian turned and looked at her, his face mapped with an emotion she couldn't quite figure out. He took in the sight of her, her bare, tanned legs, her upper body swallowed whole by his blue sweatshirt while her face still wore the now almost two-day-old smudged makeup. She stood one leg crossed behind the other, a slightly nervous look on her face as her fingers played with the cuffs of the jumper.

"Nothing" He turned back towards the sink, gazed out the window overlooking the dark city sprinkled with the orange glow of the streetlights.

Olivia heard the gurgling sound of liquid in the drain; she rubbed her eyes, now dried with tearstains and mascara. "Bri…"

"Just go back to bed babe, I'll be through soon"

She slowly walked closer, watching as the dark red liquid flowed from the green bottle and down the drain. Her heart thudded so loud she was convinced he could hear it, she watched the wine splatter like blood against the silver steel sink. His every move made her nervous, she watched like a hawk as his fingers clenched around the bottle opener. He pulled one of the bottles from the six-pack; she rarely drank beer in the house anymore yet he emptied it anyway, in case she was desperate enough to down that as well.

"You don't have to do that" Her voice was quiet, almost unheard over the sound of the beer gurgling in the drain.

Brian was silent as he emptied the last three bottles into the sink. He dropped the bottle opener with a clash against the counter causing Olivia to jump with fright. He grabbed a glass from the cabinet, never making eye contact with her as she stood on the opposite side of the breakfast counter. She watched with intent as he filled the glass with cold water and carefully took out another two painkillers.

"It's been a few hours since your last two, this should knock the headache out" He gently held the pills and the water out for her with an awkward, almost nervous smile.

"Bri…"

"Liv, just take them, with all the stress you've got going on at work, the last thing you need is a hangover, please. Just take the pills and go get some sleep"

"Are you coming to bed?" Olivia asked timidly, she could feel panic rising in her body, she felt numb, he was acting so caring yet strange. "What did I say?"

Brian's brow worried with confusion "What are you talking about?"

"My mom…" She started "She would say things when she was drunk, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but whatever it was she would never remember…what did I say to you?"

"You never said anything Liv," He shook his head slowly "You just threw up and I helped you to bed, that's all"

"You shouldn't have done that," She whispered

"Well there was no way of you doing it on your own, you would've passed out on the bathroom floor if I'd left you"

Olivia watched as he turned away from her, grabbing a garbage bag from the cupboard under the sink he started placing the bottles into it. She counted as he went, five wine bottles, seven beer bottles and one old bottle of whiskey. She walked around to him, her arm gently pulled on his elbow.

"You don't have to do that…" She managed to get out before he quickly pulled back

"Liv, leave it" He growled, "Just…" He sighed and leaned foreword to kiss her head "Please, just let me do this, go to bed"

Tears brimmed in her eyes and she tried not to let them show as he moved away from her.

"I'll be back in a minute, I'll just go out and put these in the dumpster"

.

Brian crawled into bed half an hour later, the mattress dipping under his weight. Olivia curled herself up into a ball on her side, her hands – covered by the cuffs of his sweater – pressed against her mouth. Her mothers drunken words replaying over and over in her head

'_No guy is ever worth it', _

'_Never cry over a man, it shows you're weak', _

The echo of her drunken slurs of how she was a mistake and never worth the love of anyone haunted her thoughts until for a fleeting second she believed them. She tilted her head back slightly and plucked up the courage, hoping her voice sounded stronger than her heart was at this very second.

"Is this how we're going to be?" She asked in the dark "Barely talking at night and everything's fine in the morning?"

"I don't know what you want me to say" He replied sluggishly, his body pressed deep into the mattress, his arms buried under the pillows beneath his head.

"I honestly don't know either" She shrugged and turned back to face the curtain covered window, specks of light peeking through the stitching of the thick material.

"I still don't know what happened to you" Olivia tensed under the covers as his voice hit her ears.

"Those four days you spent with him, I don't know anything…you wouldn't let me be there for you at the trial until the very end. I've never asked because I didn't want you to feel forced."

"You don't need those images in your head." She whispered, "They never leave, trust me"

"So you're protecting me?"

"I guess"

"Or yourself?"

"Bri…"

"Forget it," He muttered, "I don't want you to tell me if you don't want to. I understand I guess, it just gets to me that you'd rather talk to that Jimmy guy or to your partner than you would to me"

"That's not it Bri…" She rolled over and faced his back, her fingers slowly reaching out to touch him, tracing the line of his spine through his grey t-shirt

"Maybe not, but I'm just telling you that's how it feels…" He admitted, "You go on about how we need to be more open, this is me being open"

"Hell Liv, your at the point where you'd rather get hammered then talk to me"

"That's not true" Olivia whispered before pushing herself into a sitting position, her fingers fiddling with the edge of the duvet.

"Yeah it is, you know it is" Brian rolled onto his back and faced her "You say you're protecting me in some way by not telling me, but what you're really doing is protecting yourself because you don't trust me"

"No, Brian…"

"It's true. Listen to me, I've been there for you every second of our entire relationship, from when we were just casually hooking up every now and again until right now. I have never done anything to make you not trust me. Yet somehow you still don't. I'm not mad or anything Liv, I just don't understand and I don't like not understanding," He admitted, "You're drifting further and further away from me and I can't seem to catch you, I feel like I'm being held back and forced to watch you drown"

"I'm not saying this to hurt you," He reached up and held her hand "I'm just telling you the truth"

"I know" She nodded through the tears

"You can tell me everything, babe or you can tell me nothing at all, but you can't tell me that you're doing it to protect me when we both know it's you you're trying to protect"

"I love you" Olivia whispered, her voice breaking as a sob caught in her throat. Her hand gripped his tight, scared to let go. "And I do trust you"

Brian sat up and pulled her into his arms "I love you too" He kissed her head a few times and held her tight "More than anything"

The feeling that someone had reached into her chest and was squeezing her beating heart took over. She mind ran in circles, there was so much she should admit, things she swore never to speak of to anyone ever again.

"Don't make me tell you, don't give me a choice"

"Liv, I'm not going to force you to tell me what happened. I just want you to know that I am here, I always have been. Just, please, don't choose the drink over me." He kissed her cheek and softly pressed his lips against hers, resting their foreheads against one and other.

"…I can't watch you slowly kill yourself"

.

* * *

_i don't even know._

_please let me know what you think, leave a comment in the box below._

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


End file.
