1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: they're not mine, they belong to dick wolf, the lucky bastard.

this promises to be a long one i think, one that i've already been working on for a while, it doesn't realy place anywhere in particular in the SVU time line. here it is, please review, let me know what you think.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

His hands, that's what she'd initially liked about him, they were currently sliding slowly up over her toned legs, past tanned knees and up her thighs while his mouth devoured her left breast. Olivia leaned her head back against the cupboard behind her, moving her hips closer to the edge of the counter, urging his hands on with a moan. She had been dancing when she's first felt them. And there was something in the gentle pressure that had prevented her from turning around and laying him flat on the dance floor with a good punch to the jaw. She had turned and caught his eye. He smiled. She kept dancing. Quite a few drinks later and she's not too sure how they got here. Who's idea was it, which one of them, or if they'd even paid for the cab. His hands come to rest on her hips, still rubbing with just the right amount of pressure. She reaches her toes to the floor and pushes him back. Capturing his lips in hers and walking him slowly through the living room and down the hall. His lips are on her breast again and moving down, moisture is pooling everywhere. A sheen of sweat covering them both. She pushes his already undone pants down over his hips with her feet, along with his boxers and wraps her legs around his back while his teeth catch the edge of her panties. Back arching off the bed she gasps about to call out before she realizes that she can't remember his name, doesn't remember if he even told her, if she even asked. She just remembers dancing. Kissing. His lips are on her now, and in an effort to push her hips up to him she's crawling backwards along the bed with her legs, he smiles, catches her eye, and follows. His hands, his glorious hands replace his mount as he comes to her neck. Olivia reaches behind her, opens the drawer next to the bed, and reaches blindly for a condom. Her hands skilfully push it along his length. She calls out to a god she's never believed in as his mouth returns to her nipples, his arm around her back pulling her up off the bed, he enters her. He mumbles profanities as he thrusts into her. Their bodies move close together, slick, finding a rhythm Olivia throws her head back, clutching his head to her chest she calls out to god again and again. Ten glorious min go by and she's coming hard around him. Moving quickly, arms of his shoulder's for leverage, she feels him come shortly after. They lay together for a moment, hearts pounding, riding the aftershocks. His hands still gliding over her body, soothing her. With one more kiss, he's gone, gathering his things, thanking her for a great night and leaving. Olivia is both glad and a little offended that he doesn't even bother to promise calling. She wouldn't have given him her number anyways. It was good, but she wasn't looking for anything more.

Her head is pounding as she enters the precinct the next day. But there is a smile plastered to her face as her thighs quiver and ache while she walks. She sends a silent prayer to the hangover gods that they don't catch a case today, that she can pretend to do paper work until 5 and run home to catch up on her sleep. The hangover gods are cruel.

'white male, found in an alley. Looks as though he'd been raped' Cragen doesn't even look up from his notebook as he hands the address to Olivia. She sighs and looks down.

'this is only a block from my place' she says to Elliot as they move towards the door.

'guess that's one less apartment we'll have to canvas' he jokes, smiling at her, her heart skips a beet as she realizes why she'd been so into what's-his-pickle. He and Elliot have the same smile. She hopes he doesn't notice her blush as she laughs. She floats along from there, taking his teasing with a bitter grin when she doesn't insist on driving. He knows she's horribly hung over, she's busted and won't hear the end of it for a while.

There laughing stops as the get out of the car and enter the scene, but her smile lingers despite the sudden feeling of dread that squeezes her chest as she walks toward the covered body, listening to a uniform report on the scene. Elliot, sensing she's uneasy throws her a concerned look but it is fleeting, they're working now, he can ask about it later. He leaves her side then, moving to take a peek while Olivia finishes up with the officer. 'any ID' he asks the assistant ME, he's a new guy, young, green, but he seems to be going about his business like he knows what he's doing.

'no' he replies 'looks like his wallet and watch were stolen. But the bruising on his backside would suggest that the robbery was just a cover. He's got scratches on his back too, but the angle's wrong, I am thinking he was consentingly with someone shortly before this happened, there's still a trace amount of fluids on his penis. I am assuming he was on his way home, TOD's looking like 3-4 hours ago.'

'so you think he was on his way home from a wild night out' Elliot asked turning towards Olivia as she arrived, welcoming her into the conversation. He's about to say more when he sees the colour drain from her face. Her eyes fixed on their victim's face. He moves towards her. Placing a hand lightly on her back. 'Liv?' he asks softly. 'is there something wrong?'

'yes' she says, her voice is strong but it's obvious to Elliot that she's upset. 'I know this man' she said 'well sort of, I met him last night.'

'so you'll have an ID for him?' the assistant ME asked excitedly. Olivia blushed a bright crimson that under any other circumstances, Elliot would have found down right adorable.

'Well no, I … I don't really know his name but I was, he was.' she sighed heavily and looked at the ground. 'this must of happened as he was leaving my apartment'

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

TBC, there you have it first chapter. what do you think? 


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: they're not mine, they belong to dick wolf, the lucky bastard.

this promises to be a long one i think, one that i've already been working on for a while, it doesn't realy place anywhere in particular in the SVU time line. here it is, please review, let me know what you think.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

'Casey and I had gone out to celebrate the guilty verdict on the Miller case, it's something we do every time she beats Trevor Langdon.' she laughed softly sadly, they were at the station, everyone gathered around the bullpen crime scene photo's plastered on the wall behind her, here she was, exactly where she didn't want to be, giving her statement to her coworkers. Explaining how the victim, who she could only ID as what's-his-pickle, had found his way to her bed hours before he was found dead a half block away. 'Casey left me at around midnight, said she was tired but it was a long case for me, and I wanted to stay out.' she laughed again, bitterly this time. 'get into some trouble you know. I was well past drunk and dancing my heart out when I met him, we danced, we flirted, we drank more, and somehow ended up at my apartment. We. I. He' Olivia sighed blushing again. Hating the heat on her face and wishing they would all just look away. 'we didn't talk much, he left right after. I went to bed and came into work, you all know the rest'

'did you notice anyone else at the bar' Elliot asked, his voice held an edge Olivia couldn't place. But the way his jaw was clenched she knew he was pissed. Her lips formed a thin line as her jaw set. Fuck him, she thought, it's none of his business.

'yeah' she said coldly 'about a million other guys I thought about taking home that night' her joking tone was hardly enough to cover the angry sarcasm in her voice. Cragen cleared his throat.

'Olivia' he said calmly 'No one here is judging you, you know we have to ask. Was there anyone you can think of anyone else he was talking to?' Olivia shook her head slowly.

'he requested a song from the DJ, but other than that I was with him from the moment I noticed him.' she could sense Elliot shifting in his seat to her left but refused to look his way. Not even when he spoke.

'What song did he request?' he asked. Olivia shrugged.

'some Justin Timberlake song. 'sexy back' I think. Though I wasn't really aware that sexy was ever missing' she chuckled.

'funny' Elliot muttered, he wasn't laughing. Olivia glared.

'What the hell is your problem?' It was Casey, surprisingly, and not Olivia who had confronted him. 'Olivia did nothing wrong. Quit treating her like she's some horrible person.' Olivia's eyes softened as she looked at Casey. Silently thanking her for standing up for her.

'I am just wondering why she can remember the song they danced to but can't remember his name' Elliot answered, staring defiantly at the ADA.

'Because sometimes people do that Elliot' Olivia said 'sometimes single people just go out looking for a good time without taking names. God, El, I am only human, what do you want me to say? That I am a slut? Scratching an itch doesn't make me a slut' Elliot put his head in his hands, Olivia's eyes burning a hole in the side of his head.

'no' he said shaking his head. ' I am just worried, what if we wasn't a nice guy Liv, that's dangerous, out, alone, no one knew where you were, what if he's…'

"I can take care of myself, if he wasn't a nice guy I would have never invited him over. The moment I didn't feel right, or changed my mind, he would have been out on his ass. I am not one of your daughters. I don't need a lecture from you.'

"that's enough you two' Cragen finally interrupted. 'Munch and Fin, I want you two out canvassing the neighbourhood, see if any of Liv's neighbours heard anything.' as the two left, Cragen spun towards Olivia and Elliot. 'obviously, Olivia, you can't go anywhere near this case. Like it or not, you were the last one to see the victim alive, it wouldn't look good to have you working the case. So I want you on desk duty the rest of the day, catch up on your paper work, Elliot, when Melinda's ready you can go down and get her report. I am sure you've got something you can do until then.' he paused for a moment, eyeing the two. 'and if I hear another outburst, I've have you both removed from duty for the rest of the day, do I make myself clear?' the two nodded and headed towards they're desks.

'Well at least I know you weren't all alone after I ditched.' Casey said moving to lean, back turned to Elliot, on Olivia's desk. 'sorry about that by the way. And thanks for, you know, I was pretty tired' Olivia couldn't help but grin widely.

'yeah right, No worries.' she laughed. 'How was he?' Casey blushed, hard.

'He was good. Really good. Was he?' she asked . Bobbing her head towards the photo's on the board, then moaned and shook her head. 'god, that's so wrong, I am sorry.' she said covering her face with her hands.

'no' Olivia smiled widely, watching Elliot listening into they're conversation, 'it's ok, he was unbelievable." the girls shared a giggle, both smiling stupid grins. Olivia's a smug self assured grin because of the vein bulging on Elliot's forehead. 'the women of the world really lost out on this one' she added. It looked as though Elliot was finally going to say something but they were interrupted by a delivery boy walking into the room.

'Olivia Benson' he called out, reading off of his clip board. Everyone in the room turned to look at him. Olivia motioning to him with her hand. She signed for the package as the young man put it down on her desk, it looked like a box of files, but judging by the grunt the delivery boy gave, and the thud of it hitting her desk, it was too heavy to be files.

'No return information?' she asked, dread leaping into her throat, choking her words.

'No' the delivery boy said simply and walked away. 

'That's odd' Casey said, having lifted the lid off the box as Olivia watched the delivery boy leave the bullpen. 'they're video's, there's a note, it's addressed to SVU' Olivia's hands quivered as she reached for the note, only to have Elliot's stop her and grab it himself. Olivia glared, trying to ignore the tingling of her wrist where he'd touched her. Her eyebrows drew together as she watched his expression darken. Along with the note where a small stack of photos.

'it's from the killer' he said darkly. 'the note doesn't give much away' he added, tossing it onto the desk where they could all see it. It consisted of 4 words. 'but these do' Elliot started throwing the photo's down one at a time. All of them of the body, taken with a stark flash in the dead of night. Hours before the police took their own. The last one, however, caused everyone in the room to gasp. It was a picture of Olivia, leaving her apartment that very morning, cup of coffee in hand, fumbling to find her car key among the others on her keychain.

Elliot's eyes met hers, jumped down to the photo and then back at her. This time when his eyes left hers she followed his gaze to the note.

I AM WATCHING YOU

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeooeoeoeoeoeeooeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeooeoeoe

TBC 


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: they're not mine, they belong to dick wolf, the lucky bastard.

this promises to be a long one i think, one that i've already been working on for a while, it doesn't realy place anywhere in particular in the SVU time line. here it is, please review, let me know what you think.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

'The focus of our investigation is quite obviously changing as a result of this most recent development. I want another canvas, the photo looks as though it was taken from across the street, Munch, Fin, did anything come up in the first Canvas worth mentioning?'

'only the neighbour across from Olivia' Munch said.

'Says she saw our vic leaving the apartment when she was comin home from a party' Fin finished 'dat's da only contact he had with anyone in the neighbourhood that we know of, beside Liv, of coarse.'

'Ok, I want you two to walk the photo and letter through the lab, see if we can get anything from it. While you're there I think Melinda's ready to report. The beat cops can handle the canvas. Olivia, I know that this changes everything for you, but I still don't want you on this investigation.'

'Cap, please, I need to do this, I won't have this guy see me hiding, I want him to know I am coming for him.' Olivia pleaded.

'That may be exactly what he wants.' George Haung added from his spot in the corner of Cragen's office. Olivia rolled her eyes.

'Cap, come on, I can take care of myself, I won't just sit here and be a victim' Cragen sighed and looked at Elliot, he'd been quiet since reporting to him what happened.

"fine Olivia' he said, watching the surprise on Elliot's face. 'but your not leaving the precinct' He added, halting any pushback from Elliot. 'you, Elliot and Haung can go over the video tapes.' Olivia nodded. 'everyone get to work.'

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoe

Olivia wasn't sure she wanted to watch this, Wasn't sure she wanted anyone else watching it either. She starred in horror at the TV screen as the camera zoomed into her living room window, showing her, in a too-small tank top and underwear dusting her apartment. It was the oldest tape, one marked almost a year ago. They watched for a few min. Olivia blushing scarlet as the camera zoomed in on her chest and backside whenever a clear shot presented itself.

Her horrification only grew when the telephone rang. They could hear it, there was sound. 'how is he getting sound?' she whispered. No one answered.

'hello?' she answered on the screen.

'hey, it's Elliot' everyone gasped, there was a tap on her phone line, whoever this guy was he could hear both sides of the conversation. Olivia watched in horror as the camera zoomed in on her big smile and followed her as she plopped onto the couch.

'miss me already? Twelve hours or so into our day off and you're already calling' the camera was all over her, showing her curling up on the couch, twirling her hair. She looked like a high school kid who'd just gotten a call from the boy she liked.

'how do you know it's not about work?' Elliot's voice rang out with a chuckle.

'you would have called my cell phone.' there was silence as they watched Olivia curl into a more comfortable position'

'well, to what do I owe the pleasure El?' her voice sounded cheesy even to her own ears. There it was, on tape, she was busted, here in front of George Haung of all people, flirting shamelessly with her partner over the phone. Her then married partner.

'missed you already' Elliot's voice. Though somewhat garbled on the recording was equally as cheesy as hers. Olivia saw him blush out of the corner of her eyes. He was just busted flirting shamelessly with his partner over the phone when he was still married. George Haung didn't seam to have any reaction at all.

'ha, I knew it.' her on screen self giggled. 'what are you up to?'

'taking the twins to a Nicks game, Kathy got called into work, and I don't want to start a fight between Kathleen and Maureen so I was wondering if you wanted to take Kathy's ticket' Olivia couldn't help but smile remembering that day, she'd never liked basketball all that much. But she loved it with Elliot and his kids.

'I'll be there. What entrance should I meet you at?'

'west side entrance, take a cab, I'll drive you home after.' Olivia racket her brain to come up with the important details of the game, if anyone asked she didn't want to embarrass herself by remembering how good Elliot looked in jeans but not knowing who won the game, or even who they played. She didn't have to she realized with dread. The camera cut to the game, and there she was, or at least, the back of her head, she and Elliot sitting there at the game with the Twins between them.

'the bastard was right behind us' she heard Elliot growl. Olivia gripped the arms of her chair and watched in horror. This maniac was right there watching, always watching, watching her joke around with Elliot, with his kids. He caught the looks they shared. Caught them not correcting the woman who had commented on how wonderful Elliot and Olivia's kids were. Caught them sharing a straw and flirting about how it was kind of like making out. He caught the drive home, or as much as he could trying to keep up with Elliot's driving, caught Elliot leaving his kids in the car as he opened her door for her and walked her to her step, Caught Elliot leaning close, a hand on her hip, to whisper something into her ear. The mic of his camera even caught the throaty laugh she had let out at whatever it was he'd said, she couldn't remember.

'Oh my god' Olivia whispered, 'This guy, he's'

'He's definitely focused on you that's for sure' Haung supplied. Sounding annoyed at the interruption.

They watched on. Olivia getting into her apartment, turning on lights, peeling off her clothes, walking into the bathroom and starting the water in the tub. The camera focusing in on her underwear clad body walking about her apartment. Getting a glass of wine, turning on the music. Picking out a big fluffy towel. She walked into the bathroom. She didn't shut the door but the guy couldn't get a full frontal. She lay down in the tub with her wine, the shot getting only her shoulders, neck and head resting against the back of the tub, the view obscured by the bubbles in the tub and the door frame.

'long day huh babe?' Olivia's skin crawled when she heard the voice, the last thing she wanted right now was narration, the last thing she wanted was to know what this guy was thinking as she laid innocently unaware of her audience in the tub. 'I always like to relax with a glass of wine after a long day of adultery' Elliot shifted in his chair. 'you're such a dirty girl' that seamed to be all the creep had to say for now.

Elliot was fuming. 'it was just a basketball game' he muttered. There were a long fifteen min of nothing. It looked as though Olivia had fallen asleep in the tub. The camera had zoomed to her face, they heard the phone ring, watched Olivia smile widely and reach to answer the phone.

'hey stranger' she answered

'hey' it was Elliot again.

'I take it you got home safe?'

'yeah, the twins told me to call so you wouldn't worry' on screen Olivia looked disappointed

'so you weren't calling just to hear my voice?" she said jokingly. They heard Elliot make a low sound in the back f his throat. Heard Olivia chuckle lightly. Watched her pull her hand from the water and push the hair out of her eyes. Heard Elliot make that sound again.

'your in the bath?' Elliot said, it wasn't a question.

'yeah, just getting ready, I've got plan's yet tonight'

'I'll let you go'

'I had fun today'

'Me too'

The line went dead. Olivia was about to vomit, she knew what came next. Knew the last thing she needed was to have people in the room while it played. /Maybe they won't be able to tell, I am usually very quiet, it's not like you can see. / On screen Olivia's hand moved from the edge of the tub to her neck, trailed to her breast. Present day Olivia jumped up from her chair and hit the stop button blushing wildly and left the room.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeooeoeoeoeoeeooeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeooeoeoe

TBC 


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: they're not mine, they belong to dick wolf, the lucky bastard.

thank you all so much for the reviews. . . definatly made me more confident about this story, i wasn't sure that anyone would like it. but keep reviewing and i'll keep writing.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe Haung followed her out and to the crib. Coming to stand beside her by the window, laying a hand softly on her arm. Olivia closed her eyes and tried not to cry.

'I am so embarrassed right now I don't know what to do with myself.' George nodded.

'I can understand that, you are usually a very private person, I know you must feel violated, vulnerable, but we need to watch it through to the bitter end, I need to get into this guys head.'

'this guys head is in my life.'

'if you're uncomfortable watching I can continue on my own.'

'no' Olivia said immediately, 'I need to know how much of my private life in so longer private.'

'ok, we could remove everyone else.' Olivia sighed.

'Elliot also has a right to see just how much of his life has been caught on tape.'

'is there anything you want to tell me about, warn me about before we continue.' Olivia laughed, but shook her head.

'I am just afraid, Elliot and I are close, too close, there's nothing going on physically. There wasn't an affair or anything, I am just afraid that I am not going to have a partner after this.' George chuckled

'yes, you are very close, closer than I had originally imagined, but I am the only one who has to watch this, and I only have to comment on it as it relates to the case' he didn't need to continue, Olivia nodded and they moved to return to the interview room to continue.

'Can I talk to Elliot for a moment first?' Olivia asked quietly as they came up to the door. George nodded.

"I need to go get some coffee anyways, and let the cops who are canvassing to check out all apartments directly across from yours. I'll bring some coffee back for everyone.'

Elliot was exactly where they'd left him, staring at the blank screen. Olivia could tell that he was deep in thought. She made a small cough in her throat, letting him know she was there. The look on his face when is eyes met hers was electric. Olivia blushed. 'I feel as though I owe you a disclaimer of some sort before we continue." she said with an embarrassed grin. Elliot's eyes took her in from top to bottom, his gaze appreciating her in a way he never had openly.

'you think I am sexy' he said in a funny whining voice. 'you want to hug me' he continued. Olivia rolled her eyes, she knew she shouldn't have told him about her secret favourite movie. 'you want to kiss me and hold me and…'

'oh shut up' Olivia laughed. Thanking whatever god was out there that he was able to joke with her and still show that he supported her, that he didn't mind. The look on his face was sexy as hell. 'are you going to be able to stay professional if I let you watch this?' she asked him. The smug look on his face faltered for a moment, never in a million years did he think she was going to let him watch this. He shifted uncomfortably. Could already feel his body's reaction.

'I don't know' he said in a low voice. His eyes taking her in again. 'I am gonna have to rustle up every mental image I can of my grandmother in her bathing suit, but I think I can manage.' Olivia laughed. 'Liv' he said, serious now, his eyes on her face. 'if your not comfortable with, I mean I can.' Olivia shook her head. 'I know this has got to be hard for you, you being such a personal person. I just want you to know I appreciate the fact that your trusting me with this.' Olivia met his eyes. They shared a charged look until they were interrupted by Haung handing out coffee.

'you all ready to continue?' he asked. They both nodded.

Olivia masturbating was the most beautiful, magnificent thing Elliot Stabler had ever seen in his life. To his relief and Olivia's horrified disgust, the moment was narrated by the sound of their perp joining in the fun. Elliot managed to keep his body in check with his anger at the number of ways this guy had just made Olivia feel violated.

'oh Olivia' he kept saying, the camera moving ever so slightly every now and then as the perp got into it. Olivia put her head in her hands, Elliot put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. 

They watched as Olivia got out of the bath and started getting ready for her date They watched as she sat at her vanity, her naked back to the window as she dried her hair and did her make up before heading to the closet to find something to wear. Olivia was kicking herself for never thinking to close the blinds, she had always been fairly comfortable in her own skin, didn't care if the neighbours caught a glimpse or two. She didn't think anyone would ever be watching. On screen the phone rang, snapping her attention back.

'Hello?'

'Hey, it's Michael, just wanted to make sure you were ready and I wasn't going to be baled on again.'

'nope, I told the guys at work not to call unless the apocalypse was upon us'

'good' Michael said with a chuckle, 'I'll be there in a few to pick you up'

Olivia let a sigh of disgust fall from her lips. earning her an amused look from Elliot.

'I though Michael was a good guy, Liv?' he said, a smug grin forming. 'I take it we're about to get the real story.' Olivia hit him lightly on the arm.

'Oh shut up, I only told you that so you wouldn't give me that look.' a look from George shut them up.

Her stalker, in his usual fashion, tagged along for the whole date. Catching the whole thing. Olivia was so ashamed. Not only was Elliot going to see how honest to god stupid the guy was, but he was going to see that she took him home anyways, only to have her let-him-down-easy speech totally backfire as he left her feeling dirty and alone. She could see Elliot trying to look away politely as the camera zoomed into her bedroom to show her on top of Michael, head thrown back, moaning and crying out as she rode him. Watched him lean forward with a guilty look on his face trying to hide his reaction. Her stalker was oddly quiet.

'Oh god yes, yes' she could hear herself coming, 'yes yes yes fuck yes, oh!' heard Michael moaning his release not too long after. Olivia got up and walked to the other side of the room, away from the TV screen, not wanting to relive what happen next. 'that was great babe' her on screen said to the man in her bed, moving off of him to pull on a nightly. 'and you're a really nice guy. But I hope you don't mind that you can't stay the night.'

'wouldn't dream of it babe,' he said, putting his pants back on and digging into the pocket for something. 'my wife would throw a fit if I wasn't home by midnight' he finally found the ring in his pocket and slid it back onto his finger. Olivia froze where she was, brushing her hair in front of the mirror. Michael came up behind her, groping for her breast one last time through the night gown, kissing her neck. 'we'll do it again sometime' he said before leaving the apartment.

'Don't be so upset about it' came the low voice of her stalker 'it's what your good at my pet' on screen Olivia was sobbing, tearing the sheets from her bed and running the shower as hot as it would go, ripping her nightgown from her body. 'you are the woman wives love to hate, the one husbands feel guilty even talking to. You're a beautiful whore. A classy woman, but a whore none the less.' he had captured his footage from an angle that hid little as she brushed her teeth over and over in the scalding hot shower. 'he goes back to the family he doesn't deserve and there you are, alone. It doesn't seem fair darling, but no one takes naughty girls like you home to mama." the tape ended and everyone was silent. The tape began to rewind automatically. Elliot turned to look at Olivia but she turned her back to the room, facing the wall.

'don't look at me right now, I. . . I don't know why I even brought him home with me, we was a sleaze, I could tell from the moment I got in the car with him. I was just, I dunno. I was just lonely. I guess'

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

TBC, there you have it first chapter. what do you think? 


	5. Chapter 5

DISCLAIMER: they're not mine, they belong to dick wolf, the lucky bastard.

thank you all so much for the reviews. . . definatly made me more confident about this story, i wasn't sure that anyone would like it. but keep reviewing and i'll keep writing.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe 'alright, what have we got?' Cragen looked more tired than usual, the Canvas, letter and photo had all turned up nothing.

'a fat lot o nothing' fin spat 'da perp did everything you do when you know people are gonna be poking around.'

'the letter's clean' munch continued. 'and there's nothing in the photo's that we didn't already know. The beat cops found an empty room across the street that looks like it has the right angle from the picture. But it's been cleaned, well, with bleach.' Elliot threw the pen he was holding across the room with an angry sigh.

'the videos came up with little so far on our guy's identity. But I've got something of a start on the profile, but I am going to need a little more time. This guy's good though, the videos start a year ago, all of Olivia, shot from the same angle as the photo he's definitely fixated, he's got all the basis covered. I don't have anything to share except that a full bug sweep of Olivia's apartment would be a very good idea. He's got sound, and he's got the phone lines.'

'ok, Olivia' Cragen said softly in her direction. 'I don't want to send you back to your place before that happens, so I suggest you get comfortable in the interview room and keep going over those tapes. I am sure the guys will exercise restraint when going through your place.' he added with a glare in Munch and Fin's direction.

Eoeoeoeoeoe

Olivia sat front and centre in front of the television, knees pulled up to her chest, elbows curled into her torso with a steaming cup of tea in her hands. She could feel the guys looking at the back of her head.

'are you ready?' Haung asked quietly. Olivia nodded. The next tape flickered on, the angle suggested her stalker was standing on the street, the camera focused on the main door to Olivia's apartment. It was sunny, the heat blurring the sidewalk into puddles along the bottom of the shot. Olivia's door opened and there she was. The tape was labelled a week after the first one. Olivia racked her brain to remember what she was up to that afternoon. They watched as she stopped on the stoop, glancing through her mail before throwing it into her oversized satchel, and pull a pair of too big sunglasses over her eyes. Her hair falling in wispy curls around her face around a thick headband. Olivia chuckled.

'god I look ridiculous' Elliot blinked at her. Then looked back at the screen, watching the breeze catch the loose sundress and pull it snug around her torso, lifting it higher over her knee.

'I think you should dress like that more often' he said, giving her a flirty smile that she didn't have to turn to see.

'thank you' she said quietly, her eyes never leaving the screen as the camera zoomed in on her strapped sandal heals 'but it's not like I'd be able to take down perps in those' she tilted her head to the left and lay it on her knees. The camera followed the line of her legs up to her backside as she walked, the dress flowing and clinging around her tanned legs. 'I am going to meet some girlfriends I think' she said 'it's sad that I could probably remember what I was wearing every time in the last year I've made it to Saturday brunch with the girls.' they watched in silence as the stalker tailed Olivia through the streets of Manhattan . They watched the girls have dinner at an angle from across the street. Watched her laughing and joking.

An hour later they watched her leave with one of them. Her stalker keeping a distance that allowed him to catch bits of conversation but go unnoticed by the pair. He followed her through a couple of stores that were big enough for him to keep his distance. Sometimes stopped outside and waited. As they watched Olivia and her friend leave a store with giant shopping bags on their arms the two reached for each other to hold hands as they walked. The camera zoomed in, focusing on their tangled hands, running up her tanned arms to her face catching a big happy smile. The audio was picking up a conversation about work clothes, but was soon drowned out by the rasping sound of her stalker's breath as he became excited. Present day Olivia covered her face in disgust.

The pair came to a music store and stopped outside the window, Olivia's friend moved her hand from Olivia's, sliding it along her back to rest on her hip.

'do you play anymore?' she asked

'not really' Olivia was saying. Her explanation drowned out by the sound of a bus passing. 'besides,' they heard her finish, 'I as never any good' The tall brunette beside her pulled her closer and rested her head on her shoulder, nuzzling her neck. Whispering something into Olivia's ear. Her stalker moaned. They watched as the two smiled at each other. 'ok' they heard Olivia answer. 'one song, then I have to get home'

'God, I never realized how that looked to people' present day Olivia said. 'He took a close friendship and turned it into something sick.'

A few minutes after Olivia and her friend entered the store, her stalker had his breathing under control. He followed. After a tour of the store the camera fell to Olivia, tuning up an acoustic guitar. Her tuning turned to playing, the audio catching, with amazing clarity, the improvised strumming and plucking. Olivia humming and laughing.

The next two tapes held little else. All the same, following Olivia as she went about her business. Haung and Elliot learning more and more about the woman who sat directly in front of them, never turning away from the screen, sometimes sighing with frustration, sometimes gasping of embarrassment, but never leaving her chair. It was nearing 7pm when the third tape ended.

'we should probably find something to eat' Elliot said after his stomach rumbled loud enough for the rest of the room to hear. 'I know I am starved, and Liv, you haven't eaten all day.'

'I am not hungry' Olivia grumbled. 'I want to see what they found in my apartment'

'we will' Haung replied 'If it were anything big they would have come to fetch us. Elliot's right, you should eat, and then we can check it.' Olivia moved from her curled position on the chair, her muscles protesting, her bones popping. She turned, stretching to level a glare at both of them.

'I'll eat' she sighed, but then pushed her chin out, jaw setting with determination. 'after we check in' Elliot and Haung sighed.

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

'we found bugs, mostly in the main areas, all in electrical, sockets' Munch reported. Tearing a piece of slightly stale liquorish with his teeth. They were gathered in Cragen's office. 'So we're thinking whoever put them there had access to the apartment under the pretence of fixing, or checking the electrical.' Cragen looked over to Olivia.

'You've seen the tapes' he said 'or some of them, given the time frame can you remember getting any work done in your apartment around the time the tapes started?' Olivia shook her head, thinking.

'there isn't anything I can remember specifically, I mean, my landlord has the building inspected twice a year, just to catch anything the tenants may not have noticed. The first year I lived there we gave up trying to coordinate schedules and I just gave him permission to go in and get it done whether I was there or not, on the assumption that I be given the heads up'  
'so we'll talk to the landlord, see if he contracts it out, and if he does to whom.' Elliot said, jumping up from his leaning position on the desk.

'I want Munch and Fin on that too.' Cragen said, stopping Elliot from leaving the room. 'I want you two to get some rest, Olivia, I am sure I can find it in the budget to get you a motel room for the night, unless you have someone you can stay with.' Olivia sighed.

'I'll just stay in the cribs Cap, I want to be here in case there are any developments' Cragen gave her a weary look.

'we'll talk about it later. Elliot, take her out for something to eat and try to talk some sense into her.'

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeo

'I didn't know you were a musician' Elliot broke the silence, they had been walking, looking for a place to eat and a way to break the tension. Olivia gave him a tired smile.

'it's no longer something I share with others. It's become too personal. Music allows me to be vulnerable, if only to my own reflection in the mirror. I never though. . . He's probably got more, actual song writing. Footage of me bearing my soul to my empty apartment.' she shivered, pulling her light sweater around her shoulders. 'he could be watching right now.' Elliot did a quick scan of the street around them, something he'd been doing since they left the precinct. He put a protective hand around her waist and pulled her close to him.

'He'd be really stupid to try anything right now' he whispered reassuringly, pressing his forehead to the top of her head as if to hug her while keeping their pace. 'because if I caught him, I'd kill him' he lifted his head and pulled Olivia so that he could look into her eyes. 'WHEN I find him' he corrected.

They turned and ducked into a diner and moved to the back, squeezing into I sheltered booth by the swinging door to the kitchen.

'I don't like having to hide' Olivia grumbled. 'I don't like this feeling, like I am being violated as I sit here with you.' Elliot reached out and grasped her hand across the table, he quickly scanned the restaurant, memorizing every face. A teenaged couple sharing a milkshake in a window booth across the way. A middle aged man trying, and failing to impress his preteen son by building towers out of creamers. Two taxi drivers taking a much needed coffee break.

'I don't like the feeling that this has been happening for so long and I didn't notice. I don't like not being able to protect you' Olivia rolled her eyes.

'I can take care of myself'

'I know, but I can't help the gentleman that I am.' Olivia laughed, rolling her eyes again as the waitress came over to take their orders. Chuckling as she listened to Elliot ordering a ham sandwich for himself and an egg salad sandwich on rye for her. Smiled at the fact that without ever talking about it, he knew what she wanted to eat. 'hope you don't mind, I couldn't decide which I wanted, so I am gonna jack half of yours'

'yeah right' Olivia laughed. The table grew silent, both suddenly fascinated by the table. Deep in thought about the days events. Olivia sighed and pulled her legs up onto the booth, toeing off her shoes to sit cross legged. Arms folded on the table. Elliot laughed. "what?' she asked raising an eyebrow at her partner.

'you want to hug me' he sang. 'you want to kiss me' Olivia playfully smacked his arm across the table. Blushing. Elliot fixed his blue eyes intently on her face. 'I think your beautiful when you do that'

'do what?'

'blush' he answered, blushing himself now. He ran his sweaty palms over his trousers, chastising himself for saying that out loud. ' I mean' he fumbled 'I think your beautiful when you're doing just about anything.'

'I appreciate that your trying to make me feel better Elliot, but you really don't have to. I . . '

'No, I mean it, and I realize now is not the best time to tell you, so I am going to drop it, I, just want you to know that I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever met'

'your just saying that because you saw me masturbating in the bathtub today' Olivia said still blushing as they're food arrived laughing as the waitress's face flushed to match. They lapsed into a comfortable silence. Elliot taking half of Olivia's sandwich, Olivia swiping his deli Pickle and a handful of his fries. When their meals finished, Olivia moved to put her shoe back on and get up but Elliot stopped her.

'I think after a day like today, you deserve the biggest piece of chocolate cheese cake this place has, on me' Olivia smiled.

'I was just going on the assumption that this whole meal was on you.' she shot back.

'oh come on Liv, let's keep in mind that not only am I a father of four living on a public servants budget, but that there was a wall and a bunch of pesky bubbles blocking my view of the show earlier today'

'and I guess if you don't pay for supper, you'll never know what the door and the bubbles were blocking' the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. Her hand flew to her face and clapped itself over her mouth. Elliot's mouth swung open, gaping as though he were trying to catch flies. 'I am sorry' Olivia mumbled through her hands. 'I crossed the line,' she said removing her hand and scrambling for her shoes. 'there is a fine line that somehow appeared in the sand over the years and I just crossed it, I am sorry' she was babbling, mentally cursing her shoe for landing so far from her under the table as she reached with her foot to find it. 'I mean, the masturbating, well, that's something I have to laugh about so I don't cry, but suggesting, I mean, if I've made you uncomfortable' finally she found her shoe, and was getting up to turn and make her escape. Until she felt Elliot's strong hand grasping her wrist. They shared an intense look that seamed to last for hours before Elliot broke the silence.

'it's ok, lets find you someplace to sleep tonight, and we can talk about the line at another time.' Olivia smiled, bringing her hand up to touch the side of his face for a moment.

'thank you,' she whispered, 'I must have been Jesus himself in a past life to deserve you'

Elliot slowly turned away from her, keeping his hand on her wrist, unable to bring himself to loose the contact he started to move towards the counter to pay. They stayed close as the waited for the waitress to come and take their payment. Olivia leaning her back against he counter, watching the street outside through the window, enjoying the feeling of Elliot's arms brushing hers as he pulled his credit card out and handed it to the young woman behind the counter. He turned to look at her face as they waited for the card to go through.

'Can you do something for me Liv?' he asked quietly, taking his card back and bending to sign the receipt. Olivia shifted her weight and looked at him. Silently asking him what he wanted. 'could you please consider staying somewhere comfortable tonight, somewhere where you can rest up' Olivia shrugged

'I figured you'd like the idea of the cribs, he can't get me there' Elliot nodded.

'I do, but I also want you to go somewhere where you will actually rest. I am not going to fall for the whole sleeping in the cribs excuse only to find you looking tired and on edge at your desk tomorrow morning'  
'I am actually quite exhausted. I may actually sleep' Olivia answered as they walked out the door of the diner. Falling into step together, Elliot's hand found hers again. He gave her a disbelieving look. Olivia gave a smug grin. 'ok, maybe not, would you let me stay in the cribs if I said you could stay and baby sit me?' Elliot chuckled this time. Running his thumb over hers in his hand.

'are you sure this isn't just some ploy to seduce me into sleeping with you?'

'would you mind if it was?' Olivia moved her hand from his, running it up his arm to grasp his tones bicep, leaning into him as she walked, laughing at the shocked look on his face. She was glad he's said that, glad that he'd just given her a subtle sign that he was OK with exploring this new kind of flirting. That he'd accepted that he now knew more about her than ever before and they could not possibly ignore the truth that that knowledge brought.

'somehow I think if you were trying to seduce me you'd pick a spot a little less risky, and possibly more romantic than the cribs.'

'yeah, your right' Olivia sighed, moving away from him slightly, but still keeping contact by moving her hand back into his. Elliot winked at her. The two walking back to the station in a comfortable silence.

They were interrupted coming around the corner to the station by a young boy, about twelve, wearing a dark kangaroo jumper and denim trousers.

'are you Olivia?' the kid asked. 'Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler?' Olivia nodded slowly.

'yes' she answered 'can I help you?' the kid nodded, holding out an envelope.

'a friend of yours came to give these to you, gave me ten bucks to sit here and wait for you.'

'OK' Olivia said, thinking fast, she didn't want to touch the envelope before CSU got to it. And if it was what she thought it was, she wanted the kid to sit down with a sketch artist and answer some questions. 'do you think you could carry it in for me? I could give you a tour of the police station' she spoke kindly. Trying to get the pre-teen's cooperation. The kid shrugged, and nodded.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

TBC, there you have it first chapter. what do you think? 


	6. Chapter 6

DISCLAIMER: they're not mine, they belong to dick wolf, the lucky bastard. 

thank you all so much for the reviews. . . some of you seam to be on the same wave-length, there is definatley more to come, more about the murder, more about Olivia's life, and of coarse, more EOness.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

'The kids sketch didn't turn up much' Fin reported, here they were again, packed into Cregan's office, watching the kid sipping on soda in the interview room. 'according to it Liv's stalker is the uni-bomber.'

'he's smart, we already knew that, but I am starting to think that he may have a history in psychology, maybe self taught, you would have to have read into it to know that young males of about this boys age are the least accurate in relaying details' Haung added. 'and his fixation on Olivia isn't as sexually driven as most cases I see. The filming, while seams perverted to us, has a style that says to me that he fancies himself an artist. The great observer.' everyone in the room was silent, Elliot fuming. The envelope had held Polaroid's of Olivia and Elliot at the diner, the bastard had been there, and neither of them had noticed

'So where does this get us?' he huffed 'What are we looking for?'

'We're looking for a middle to upper class Caucasian male, possibly handsome, even charming. He is probably directly involved with art in one way shape or form. He's confident, calculating, and he most definitely knows his next move. Whatever the outcome of this, he already knows it down to every last detail. My guess is that he's been watching long enough that he feels he has the control to manipulate the situation. He believes he knows enough from observing that he's got the upper hand. He's got a huge inferiority complex I am guessing, this is about him feeling better than those around him. But he's seeing himself as the tragic hero, perfect to the point of unhappiness. He disapproved of Olivia's life style, and yet, somehow wants to be apart of it.'

'could it be someone she knows? Or knew?' Munch asked. 'maybe an ex boyfriend who felt unrequited and a little burned?' haung shrugged.

'it wouldn't be a bad path to fallow, there is a possibility.'

'great goin ol' man, more leg work for us' Fin grumbled. Everyone was tired. Cragen sighed, running a hand over his face.

'ok, well, there isn't going to be much canvassing at this time of night, Munch, Fin, go get some rest, be here bright and early. Look at this with clear heads in the morning.' The two nodded and moved out of the room, leaving Elliot ,Olivia, Haung and Cragen. There was a moment of silence, a stand off of sorts as Cragen observed Olivia. 'are you sure you wouldn't rather sleep elsewhere tonight?' Cragen asked, pleading.

'I feel safer' Olivia admitted. Cragen nodded. He could not deny that this would be the easiest way to keep her safe.

'Ok, but I want you resting,' he said sternly.

'I am going to stay here too' Elliot spoke up. 'we talked about it earlier. To baby sit' he smirked at Olivia.

'OK' Cragen agreed, 'Olivia, if you need anything from your apartment, I can send a uniform over.'

'I want to go'

'Olivia' Cragen warned in a deep tone.

'I just, don't want anyone else rooting through my life like that, I want to go myself'

'Ok, but take Elliot with you. . . To baby sit.'

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

They sat together in the car outside of Olivia's apartment for a long time. Silently going over the events of the day. Olivia let out a long sigh and leaned her head back on the headrest, scanning the roof of the car. 'I think this might have been a bad idea.' she said barely above a whisper. Elliot looked over at her, but remained silent, showing his support by placing his hand over hers in her lap. 'I know he's watching, I just know it. I feel like I am in a fish bowl or something' she chuckled silently, and looked at Elliot who, she thought, was looking too serious, she wanted to see his smile. Scrunching her nose in a joking way she slowly pushed her lips out, sucking in her cheeks to form a fish face. She smiled as she got her desired reaction.

'who would name a fish Olivia?' he asked. She shook her head and moved her hand towards the door handle, Elliot's re-assuring smile having given her the strength she needed. And now she needed to get in and out quickly before her nerves came back. They moved quickly and silently into the apartment and up the stares, Elliot scanning the area not missing a single detail. Both of their senses were on high alert. Her apartment was dark, still smelling of latex and printing powder. Flipping on her lights with her hand near her gun she quickly moved across the room and pulled the curtains closed, moving to every window in the place and doing the same.

'my apartment smells like a crime scene' she said turning to Elliot.

'I know' Elliot said in a soothing tone. 'but they got everything out, and by closing the curtains you've taken it back." he moved towards her, wrapping her in his arms for a fierce hug. 'now go pack your things, we're still staying at the station until this guy is behind bars' he said after a few moments. Olivia made no effort to leave his embrace.

'I will' she said, voice muffled by his chest. 'just' she shuddered suddenly. 'just hold me for a few minutes' she asked, so quietly Elliot could barely hear her. He nodded silently, tightening his grip on her and placing small kisses on her head as she cried.

Eoeoeoeoeoeoe

They'd arrived back at the station without incident, the driving in silence through the darkening city. They passed Cragen on their way in, said their goodnights and made their way up to the crib.

'I don't know if I can sleep right now' Olivia said, her back turned to Elliot as she put her duffle bag down on her cot and made a show of opening it and digging through. As though she were looking for something.

'I am not letting you go near a file Olivia, you need to rest' Olivia turned to him, a pair of runners in hand.

'can I go to the gym?' she asked sarcastically. Elliot mentally chastised himself for making her feel like she had to ask.

'yeah, I'll go with you, what'd you feel like' he walked over to his locker, looking for his own gym clothes. 'I'll let you beat me, if you want to get into the boxing ring.'

'let me beat you?' Olivia said with a cocky smirk. 'you wish, I was thinking I'd try something a little more relaxing, cardio, the life cycle maybe.' Elliot nodded.

'Sounds good. I'll go change and meet you down their.'

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

It had been almost an hour and Elliot was getting tired. He'd given up trying to match her pace and was idling along at about 80 reps per minute. But Olivia had brought her speed up to 120 and kept it there the whole way. There had been little conversation, Olivia was in a world of her own, her pace being kept by the music he could faintly hear coming from her ear buds. She didn't look like she was going to stop anytime soon. He reached for his water bottle. Took a sip and handed it to her. She didn't seam to notice. He watched her. She had barley broken a sweat up until 20 minutes ago or so, it was now covering her body, making it glow. He openly appreciated the muscles of her tanned legs. Her tight black shorts leaving them open to his wandering gaze.

He tried to look away as she glanced over at him, guilty about having those thought when she was so obviously not OK at the moment. Olivia smirked, leaning over to place her hands on the sensors to take her pulse. If Elliot didn't know any better he would swear that she'd done it much to slowly and gracefully to be an innocent movement. His eyes wandered her body again, her light green training top was halter style, the fabric crossing over her breasts in a low V neck. It was Elliot's turn to sweat.

Olivia grinned again, knowing her was watching her, and loving the distraction, she took her own water bottle and made a show of stretching her torso and throwing her head back to catch the water she poured out of it into her mouth. Her legs never faltered their pace. Until Elliot stopped and got up, moving to leave the room and her smile fell. Her legs slowing to a cool down pace. Elliot left the room.

When she caught up with him he was moving out of the showers. A towel wrapped around his waist. "just thought I'd get a shower in before you took all the hot water" he told her, moving to go around her and out the door to the lockers. His eyes never meeting hers. She didn't move to let him pass. Making him look up at her. They simply starred at each other for a few minutes.

'I am sorry' she said finally. 'i was showing off and it made you uncomfortable' Elliot said nothing, 'Olivia sighed. 'I don't know what's wrong with me, I get stressed, or nervous, and all of the sudden this side of me that I am not exactly proud of comes out, the side of me that just needs the validation of male interest. And it was wrong of me to do that to you. Your not just some harmless looking guy at a club, your so much more than that.' it was Elliot's turn to sigh.

'I know, I know that your stressed and upset, and nervous. I know that your scared. And I am not going to pretend like it doesn't bother me that that's how you feel you need to deal with it. But I needed to get out of there because the last thing you need right now is me ogling you like some hormonal teenaged boy. And the last thing I want is for you to suddenly feel uneasy, or ashamed towards me because of it.' Olivia still didn't move.

'I am sorry.' she said again. Then grinned. 'but for the record, I like it when you ogle me.' Elliot laughed. Staring into her eyes a few minutes more before dropping his eyes to take in her body once again. This time, Olivia blushed. Elliot met her eyes again.

'We're going to have to do something about this' he said, unconsciously moving towards her. Making Olivia tilt her head back to look at him, exposing her neck to him like an invitation.

'about what?' she asked, voice sounding faint and out of breath.

'about this' he answered, looking down at her body again, but this time moving one of his hands to her shoulder. Dragging it down her arm, jumping to her exposed stomach, feeling her muscles tighten and quiver at his touch. His hands moved slowly up her ribs, his touch whispering up over the side of her breast. Olivia let out a sigh, which turned into a moan of protest as his hand left her. 'it's not very professional' he said, voice low and husky. 'and I can't help but feel as though the timing isn't right, what with the current situation.' he met her eyes again. They both took in the dark passion smouldering just under the surface of each others gaze. They both swayed, lips inches apart sharing the same breath, but held their eye contact.

'I am going to go shower' Olivia whispered, 'but I just want you to know that it's not an excuse I am using to get away from you right now, it's just. I am really stinky' Elliot laughed, stepping back from her.

'well, you may want to do something about that. But when you get out there, I want to talk about this' Olivia nodded. Holding his gaze a few moments longer before walking past him and into the showers.

Her skin was still burning where he'd touched her long after she'd showered and dried off, still standing naked in the shower the slowly applied lotion to her skin, stalling for time. She needed to get her thoughts in order. Needed to forget the feeling of his hands on her skin and focus on the implications of the conversation they'd just had. She'd known from the moment they'd watched those video's that morning that this was coming. That uncovering the truth of this attraction they'd both been hiding for so long would inevitably put them in this situation. But what did it mean for them, their relationship, they're partnership?

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

TBC, don't forget the little review button, i imagine it may get lonley every now and then


	7. Chapter 7

disclaimer, all that blah blah blah

i just want to say i am getting a little nervous abouty this, up until now i've been like chapters and chapters ahead, but i hadn't written for a few days as my darling little boy was sick. but now that he's all better and sleeping soundly i am able to write, so here i am working like a little busy bee to give you this, enjoy

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

'Ever notice that when someone points out that things need to be said everyone involved suddenly looses the capacity to say them?" Olivia mumbled, they shared a chuckle, both looking straight ahead, they'd been sitting together like this for a good quarter of an hour. Side by side on the bunk, staring out the window, Struggling for words. "Ever notice that everyone always looks both ways for the subway even though they know which way the train is coming from?" Olivia laughed again, a sad laugh that turned into a sigh. She leaned forward, feet still planted on the floor in front of her, folding herself in half and hugging her knees. "I don't know what this is" she said finally, turning her head to lay it on her knee, to look at Elliot.  
"Me neither" he answered, looking back at her.

"I don't know what I want it to be" Olivia added after a moment of simply looking at each other.

"I do" Elliot flashed her a huge shit-eating grin. Olivia sat up straight, stretching her back. Before pulling her feet up off the floor and tucking them onto the edge of the cot.

"Elliot. . . " she started, but stopped herself, looking away from him and back out the window.

"I know you want that too" Elliot said, still grinning, but his voice was serious. She refused to look away from the window but the embarrassed smile that lit up her face was enough for him, a sign that she hadn't completely withdrawn, simply moved into a position where she felt less overwhelmed.

"I suppose I can't hide that fact" she said lightly. Quirking an eyebrow and tilting her head to the side with a sarcastic shake of the head. Then sighed, moving her head back to rest her chin on her drawn up kegs. "but what does it mean?" she asked finally, sounding frightened. Elliot leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees and directing his attention out the window.

'well, I don't know," he answered "I think the fact that we're here, having this conversation, means that we can't go back. We're at a precipice, and I know that's not what you would want to hear, but Liv," he sighed, turning his head down to stare at the floor between his feet. "I don't know if I can just wake up tomorrow and pretend that I am not head over heals in love with you. " he finished in a low voice. Olivia finally turned to look at him. Studying his defeated position. Her eyes wide. She'd always known in some way or another that he loved her. But never in her life did she think she would ever hear him say it. Always assumed, even after this long hard day of acknowledging the truth, that it would always be something that went unsaid. She must have waited too long to respond, because Elliot sighed heavily, making himself look even more deflated.

"I love you too." she blurt out. Surprising herself, not only by saying it, but by not regretting it. By feeling relieved. And happy. Happiness turned to joy as a smile spread across Elliot's face, his lungs filling with air and he breathed the air of relief. Sitting up straight and looking her in the eye.

"I know" he said, laughing. Olivia smiled and punched him in the arm. Turning her body on the bead to fully face him.

"so what do we do?" she asked. Crossing her legs and moving closer to him. A smile on her face that felt like it would never go away.

"we let this, whatever it is, grow in it's own way," Elliot said after a moment or two of deep thought. "I am too tired to try and put a label on It right now"  
"I don't want to label it either," Olivia said, leaning forward to rest her head on Elliot's shoulder. Scooting to place her bare legs around him. Her left calf resting across his lap, her right on the cot behind him. Her pyjama shorts riding up to show off more of her tanned thigh 'labels lead to expectations,' she added 'and well expectations freak me out' they both smiled, Elliot placing his folded arms over Olivia's shin, his left hand slowly stroking the soft skin of her ankle.

'me too,' he answered. Then after a pause looked over at her. 'can I kiss you?' he asked, smiling as he watched the blush grow on Olivia's face and move over her ears and down her neck under the low neck of her white camisole.

"yes" she nodded quietly, lifting her head from his shoulder to look him in the eyes. Taking a sharp breath as he leaned in, she could feel his breath across her face. Her eyes drifted closed in anticipation of his lips on hers. Instead she felt them soft but firm on her cheek at the corner of her mouth. She turned to take his lips but he leaned away. She groaned at the loss of contact as he got up off the cot.

"goodnight Liv" he said with a cocky grin. Olivia opened her eyes wide and looked at him in shock. Frustration burning through the shock, leaping from her eyes and burning holes in his face. She watched him, sweats slung low over his hips, white undershirt clinging to his muscled back. He moved to the bunk across from her and laid down, pulling the blanket up over himself. 'you wanna get the lights when your ready?' Olivia practically growled, getting up and walking over to the light switch on the wall.

'tease' she muttered and crawled into bed.

'what was that?' Elliot asked, she could hear the cocky grin in his voice.

'I said goodnight El' she said louder, frustration evident in her voice.

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeeoeoeoeoeeoe

I was thinking more about Fin's suggestion' haung said, leaning against Elliot's desk, facing Cregan, Munch and Fin. Elliot and Olivia sitting at their desks behind him. 'about our guy being a former acquaintance of Olivia's.' Cregan took a bite out of his donut and chewed it thoughtfully.

'Ok, so we need a list, Olivia. I know it was probably the last thing on your list of things to do today, but we need a few names of any boyfriends around the time the tapes start. " Olivia closed her eyes and put her head down on her desk.

'You can't be serious' she groaned. 'I don't know how to say this without it sounding bad, but if I can't remember our Vic's name what makes you think I have names for people like him from a year ago.' Much snickered a little, winking at his partner, ducking an empty paper cup as it flew his way from Olivia's direction.

'I think your relationship, however fleeting with this person would have been a little more extensive, more than likely a date or two that ended badly.' Olivia shrugged looking over at Elliot for support.

'before Michael was the Philosophy teacher.' Elliot grumbled. 'The one who told you about that stupid chaos theory that you wouldn't shut up about for days.' Olivia smiled. Though it didn't reach her eyes.

'oh yeah, but that ended on rather good terms. Jamie was a hundred percent harmless, completely sweet and his voice sounds nothing like the one on the tape"

'ok, is there anyone you can think of from any time that could be the voice on the tape?' haung asked. Olivia's eyebrows drew together in concentration. Trying to grasp onto memories but they were slipping away like fish off a line.

'I don't know, there's nothing particularly spectacular about that voice, it's too average, I can't place it to anyone." Olivia startled everyone by pounding her fist against her desk with a frustrated growl. 'I've been trying but I just can't'

'it's Ok Liv' Elliot said in a soothing tone. 'you keep a day planner don't you?' Olivia nodded. 'do you have last years? We could go through it, maybe it will jog your memory' Haung nodded in agreement.

'or a journal, if you keep one.' he said. Olivia nodded.

'Ok, Olivia, Elliot, that's your task for this afternoon," Cregan carked 'Olivia, let munch and Fin know where in your apartment they can find those things and they'll run for it, until then you can continue reviewing the tapes. With Dr Haung and Elliot.' the two nodded. 'Munch, Fin, you can do that in a minute, first I need everything you've got on our Vic's identity."

'Well, we went to the club and had the bartender who served both Olivia and our guy write down what he could remember about his drink order, we're going to compare it to the credit card receipts we got. Hopefully that will turn up a positive ID' Munch reported. Cregan nodded.

'Ok, if you cross reference that with missing persons we should be able to get a match. also, get someone at the lab to photo-shop a picture of the body to make it presentable. Walk it around the club tonight and see if anyone saw anything. Let's get that ID today people, we don't want his family and friends going another night without knowing.' they break to start working, and Olivia slips a piece of paper into Fin's hand on his way by. Not looking at him. Fin glances at in and nods.

'Olivia' he said, catching her as she moves away from him. 'I can assure you that we have been staying out of your personal life as much as possible, and when we catch this guy, we'll kill him.' Olivia let out a murmur somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

'I think your going to have to get in line, if there's anything left of him after Elliot's done, he's all yours.' She felt Elliot coming up behind her with a fresh cup of coffee as she watched Fin walk away, but did not look up, trying to control her emotions before looking at him. His hand coming to rest softly on her back didn't help. She shuddered and looked at the ground.

'if you need a few minutes, I am sure Haung and I can find something to do while we wait.' Olivia shook her head. Taking a deep breath, the crease in her forehead smoothing as she composed herself. 

'no, thank you, but I think I am fine, let's go.'

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

It was nearing sunset, you could tell buy the dusky light casting big dark shadows over the entrance to Olivia's apartment. The camera zoomed in on a car parked outside. They had been watching it idle on screen for a good ten minutes before the doors opened and Olivia and Elliot emerged. They watched Elliot turn and lean with his elbows on the roof of the car while Olivia made to high tale it into her apartment. There was no sound at the moment, but the body language was coming through loud and clear, they were fighting, about what, neither of them could remember. Olivia lifted the case to the tape to look at the date in an effort to figure it out, but she was drawing a blank. She felt Elliot glance in her direction.

'the Johnstone case' he supplied in a low voice. Olivia nodded and turned her attention back to the screen where she was now turned back towards him as they exchanged angry words. It had been a tough one for everyone involved, a daughter of rape, having just found out about her creation had become obsessed with the psychology of rape and in an effort to better understand what her mother had gone through had started visiting serial rapists. She had come to them with information about a few unsolved cases, information she had obtained while asking these men to relive their work for her thesis. She and Olivia had connected. Emily Johnstone had ended up beaten to death and raped in the east river. Olivia was on screen blaming herself and Elliot was trying, and failing to talk her down. She could see now why his frustration and her melancholy would look like a fight. She watched herself turn away from him again and slowly make her way up the steps to her door. Elliot had put his head down to press it to the cool metal of the car. Elliot said something and looked down at his watch, then back at her. He moved to get into the car.

Once inside they watched Olivia drop her things at the door and move to the kitchen, pulling a bottle of vodka from the freezer and a glass from the cupboard. Hear the glass clinking as she poured a healthy portion and another, downing them one after the other without taking a breath. Pouring again she pulled out a second cup and took it all with her to the living room where she curled herself into a blanket on her couch and stared absently out the window.

The camera stayed on her, watching the colours of the sunset reflecting off of her tear stained face and the glass in her hand as she sipped slowly. A half an hour later and it was getting to dark that they could not see the details of her face, she hadn't bothered with the lights. Present day Olivia gave a sigh of relief that the front row view of her tears had come to an end before gasping with disgust when the screen flickered green and the camera suddenly showed her again in night vision.

They heard a pounding on the door. Watched Olivia ignore it for a long ten minutes before calling out that it was open. They watched Elliot walk in as Olivia used the blanket to wipe the tears from her eyes.

'how was it?' she asked him.

'well, they've got a lot of work to do, but they're only 8, so they still have a run at being acting superstars one day.' Olivia laughed. But didn't say anything. Elliot moved to remove his coat, placing it on the armchair in front of him before sitting at her feet on the couch. 'their so resilient' he kept on, 'they were so proud of themselves that the fact that Lizzy forgot one of her lines and Dickie tripped up the stairs coming onto the stage didn't seam to matter' Olivia tilted her head to rest it on the back of the couch. Giving him a soft look at his pride and wonder in his children.

'you shouldn't be here' she said 'you should be with them, celebrating, telling them how great they are. Believe me when I tell you it's something kids that age need to hear.' Elliot looked over at her, turning his back to the camera to face her.

'I already did that and tucked them into bed. It's you who needs me now'

'I don't need you, I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone.'

'yeah, you keep saying that' he sounded hurt, but Olivia didn't reach. Only reached over to the coffee table to pour some vodka into the extra glass and hand it to him. 'what did Kathy say about you leaving so late at night to come here?'

'She thinks I am at work' Olivia looked startled. Her eyes wide as she looked at him.

'you lied to her?' she said in awe. Elliot nodded. They watched Olivia jump from the couch and move across the room to stand in front of the window, blocking the shot of the rest of the apartment. 'I wish you wouldn't'

'She's my wife, I'll decide that, I already feel guilty so lets try not to make it a big deal' Olivia's forehead moved forward to press against the cool glass.

'and how do you think I feel?' she asked. 'I feel like I am doing something wrong' she pushed herself up and turned to him, her back pressing against the window pain. 'I am doing something wrong' she corrected, 'here you are, with me in the city instead of at home with your family where you should be, I feel dirty, I feel like I am your mistress or something, and I don't like that Elliot, go home to your wife.' she turned back to the window, her tears starting again, eyes glowing in the green light of the night vision as she stared down at the street.

'that's not how it is, and you know it' Elliot countered. 'I am here because your not ok, and you do need someone to be here, if only to put and end to this drinking alone in the dark thing your doing.' there were long min of silence before Olivia turned and moved away from the window, moving being the wall to leave only Elliot in the shot, taking a long gulp of the Vodka in front of him.

'so your going to drink in the dark with me?' she asked, moving back into frame to perch on the arm of her couch, legs stretched out over the cushions.

'at least your not alone' he said. At that the flood gates opened up again and Olivia sank fully onto the couch, shaking with sobs. Elliot took her drink from her hand, and put it with his on the coffee table before pulling her towards him.

'oh god, Elliot' they heard her cry as she buried her head in his strong shoulder. 'why?' she cried again 'why couldn't I protect her?' they stayed like that for a long time, moving into silence as Olivia's tears subsided.

'He lies to you Olivia' her stalker's voice came through. 'just like your mother used to lie to you, I just wish everyone would stop doing that to you' he said, sounding almost compassionate, but the monotone of his voice almost masked the emotion. 'he will go home to his family, make love to his wife, he will leave you' the monotone wavered with anger for a few moments before returning it's bone chilling timber. 'but I won't Olivia, I promise you I won't, I will protect you' he fell silent again, watching the two holding each other on the couch before the tape faded out.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeooeoeoeoeoeeooeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeooeoeoe

TBC 


	8. Chapter 8

disclaimer, all that blah blah blah

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoe

'he was trying to protect her I think' Haung was saying to the group, 'it read like jealousy, because there is some of that there, but more than anything he was trying to protect her.' they were gathered in the bullpen again, munch and fin having returned with the two notebooks and a day planner. They'd been exactly where she said they would be.

'protect me from what?' Olivia asked 'From who?'

'from other men' Haung answered, 'He's got it in his head that he somehow understands you, you are the masterpiece that he's been studying, he doesn't think anyone else could appreciate you as much as he can.'

'I think he's had his eye on you for a lot longer than the tapes suggest' Elliot said. Everyone turned to look at him in shock. Crossing his arms over his chest he leaned back to sit against the desk. 'that comment he made, about your mother' he said trying to find a way to get the point across without spilling the details of Olivia's spotty childhood. 'how could he know that? Unless he'd witnessed you interacting with your mother? But it's been three years since that could have happened.'

'he could have looked it up, Richard White had information he shouldn't have about me.'

'yes' Haung jumped in 'but he didn't have information about the psychological dynamic' he seamed to ponder this for a moment.

'you said before he may have knowledge of art and psychology, could he have come to the conclusion about your relationship with your mother by observing Olivia' it was munch who had jumped in this time. Haung tilted his head from side to side, thinking about it.

'I suppose he could have.' he answered, 'Olivia does occasionally show text book examples of behaviours that could be directly linked to a tense relationship with mother and absent father.' Olivia glared.

'What the hell is that supposed to mean?' she asked. Haung shook his head.

'it doesn't mean anything accept that someone trained in psychology and who has knowledge of your past would be able to fill in the blanks on his own. But I don't think that's what happened here. I hate to say it but Elliot may be right. His comments about your mother sounded personal, like he was very upset it, wished he could have protected you'

'could have protected me?'

'like he thinks he did when he killed our Vic' everyone was silent for a few moments until fin piped up.

'we have an ID now' he said. 'witness ID's from the bartenders and the receipts independently lead us to Marcus Salinger . Age fifty Records fairly clean, a couple of drunken disorderly about twenty years ago, and there's a warrant for an unpaid parking ticket from last month. He's had a few of those, all outside of that same club that you were at that night. Seams he hung out there quite a bit'

'must have been fairly well behaved if none of the bar staff or bouncers knew him' Elliot said

'I guess so' Munch said. 'that's the story we got from the bar anyways'

'fifty?' Olivia chimed in. 'he didn't look that old' she added receiving a glare from Munch.

'I need more information than that, this man set our guy off in a way that no other friend of Olivia's had. If it was about protection then why not Michael?' Olivia blushed at the mention of that name, not wanting him to continue, not wanting that particular story to be re-hashed to the rest of the squad. Munch and Fin sensed her unease and didn't ask further. 'get me everything there is on him, all the details.' Much nodded and sat down at his computer typing Mark Salinger's name into every data base they had.

'this could take a while' Munch said. Everyone nodded.

'ok' Olivia said, 'well, I am going to go dive into those notebooks then, it shouldn't take me long, I know what I am looking for.'

'I'll take the day planner' Elliot said, the two picked up their claimed items and walked away/

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeeo

They were sitting side by side on a cot with their backs against the wall a half hour later looking tired and frustrated.

'I am not finding anything that could help us, the only thing this did was drag up a bunch of shit I hadn't thought about in a while.' Elliot sighed, leaning his head back against the wall behind him.

'I know what you mean, I'd offer to read them instead but something tells me that's never going to happen'

'not on your life' Elliot nodded.

'I wonder if Munch and Fin have got that info yet?'

'they'd come get us if they did' silence again settled over the crib. Olivia couldn't deny that she felt awkward being alone with him in the crib again, neither had mentioned the events of the previous night, neither even acted as though it had happened. Olivia felt the hope she'd had last night start to fade. They couldn't do it, they couldn't make it work. They were working partners, that's as far as their partnership would go. Olivia cleared her throat and pushed her notebook off of her lap.

'I am bored' she wined. For lack of anything better to do. Elliot chuckled.

'are you hungry?' he asked. It seamed like a simple enough question, but there was something in his voice that made Olivia's skin tingle. She looked at him, a coy grin on her face.

'maybe. What's on the menu?' she asked in a husky voice. Elliot chuckled again, Olivia decided she liked the rumble of it, the way she could feel his laughter through the thin mattress she was sitting on. He moved his body to face her, leaning close and holding eye contact. It seamed all the awkwardness of the situation had gone, replaced with Olivia's hope flooding back in.

'Dunno' he said, his Eyes on her lips. 'What are you hungry for?' she could feel his breath of her lips, wanted so badly to close her eyes, to lean in and take his mouth with hers. There was a knock at the door. Olivia tried to hold back the blush she could feel warming her skin as she leaned away from Elliot to assume her previous position with the notebook in front of her. Tried not to react when she heard Elliot call for the intruder to come in with a low husky voice.

If Cragen noticed anything out of the norm he didn't say anything. Just shut the door behind him and moved to sit on the cot across from them. All thoughts of what had almost just happened vanished from both of their minds at the look on Cragen's face.

'Olivia' he started in a low voice, she could hear him hesitate, watched him glance at Elliot. 'maybe I should talk to you alone?' he asked. Olivia looked confused.

'No, it's ok, it would save me having to tell him later' Cragen nodded and took a deep breath.

'that bar fight' he said 'in Salinger's file, we tracked down the notes from the incident. There were two others involved.' he paused again, sending her a meaningful look. Olivia's brows knotted together she didn't know the meaning of the look, it was a pointless gesture, she just wanted to know what was going on. 'one was a man his same age by the name of James Clark, the other was an older woman, by the same of Serena Benson.'

'So he knew my mother twenty years ago?' Olivia stated, her forehead smoothed and her eyes widened in shock. 'I was 14 when my mother started spending time with Mark and Jimmy.' Olivia said, the far off look in her eyes seaming to focus on the wall behind Cragen. 'they weren't around long, they were students of hers, she did that sometimes, if a student showed interest. She would bring them home, and after they left she would write a poem, or start a painting. But Mark and Jimmy were different. They were there to party more than anything. Not the type she would write about or anything. Just there to help her forget.' her forehead creased again, her eyes focusing back on Cragen. 'I didn't know them well but I would have remembered his face, Mark was the nice one, he would help me with my homework, I would have remembered him'

'14 year olds don't always hold on to details like that' Cragen offered. 'but I need you to try, Haung thinks that our Perp knows him, maybe knows him in connection with you, your mother taught art history, so if they were taking her class then one or more of the people she met at that time could have stuck with the arts, could fit Haung's profile. so I need you to try and remember the time you spent with them' Olivia hook her head.

'that's all I remember.' she was telling the truth, but Olivia found herself suddenly fighting the urge to throw up. Elliot also felt uneasy. 'What do you mean Mark was the nice one?' he asked. Throwing a look at Cragen. 'what did Jimmy do to make you think he wasn't nice'

'I don't know' Olivia sighed ' to be honest I don't remember him at all other than the fact that he was there.'

'But you didn't like him' Olivia turned to look at him.

'why are you pushing this?' she asked, suddenly defensive, 'I don't remember' she said again, this time with emotion in her voice, frightened emotions that she couldn't explain. She looked back at Cragen. 'you said yourself that 14 year olds don't always remember details, I am sure there was something going on that was more important to my 14 year old brain than who my mother was sleeping with at the time.'

'It's ok Olivia, it was twenty years ago, we don't expect you to remember right away. Maybe Hung can do some memory exercises with you to help you remember' Olivia looked back at Elliot then at the floor in front of her.

'I don't know how it will help, it's just a coincidence, it must be, the tapes started a year ago, this all happened when I was 14, there's no connection.'

'well there might be' Cragen sad in a stern tone. 'and we don't have any other leads. Fin and Munch are going to notify Salinger's next of kin, a daughter, aged 24'

'Ella' Olivia whispered. 'her name was Ella, I think I may have babysat her while they were out.' Cragen nodded.

'Elaine Salinger, mother deceased, died when Elaine was two, car accident. Go, I'll have Haung meet you in interview one' Olivia nodded. And got up to leave the room. Cragen shot a look at Elliot, telling him to hang back for a minute.

'I hope to God your wrong' Cragen said in a hushed tone after Olivia had closed the door behind her.

'I hope so too' Elliot answered, putting his head in his hands, staring at the floor between his feet.

'Her reaction was classic though. She's repressing something'

'it could be nothing,' Elliot responded, his voice laced with denial. 'she's repressed most of her child hood.' Cragen nodded and stood up, looking down at him.

'if she's about to fall, then I want you down there to catch her. ' he said 'here's hoping you won't have to' with that he left the room, giving Elliot a minute to compose himself. 


	9. Chapter 9

disclaimer, all that blah blah blah 

this is a short chapter, but i think this section needs to stand alone.

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoe

'when you met Mark and Jimmy' Haung asked. 'What time of year was it?' Olivia rolled her eyes, watching the condensation pool at the bottom of her glass of water. Thinking about the ring it was creating on the table in front of her, the one already covered in the rings of cups that had come before. She couldn't help but feel like a perp right now, she glanced at the one way, knowing Elliot and Cragen were there listening. Or worse than a perp she felt like a victim.

'I don't know it was cold out' she answered, turning her attention back to the glass of water.

'was there snow on the ground?'

'no, it was cold though, just after fall semester started.' Haung nodded. 'Your mother taught art history' Olivia nodded 'was she an artist?'

'I guess' Olivia answered. 'she wrote poetry, read poetry, she lived for poetry'

'what was she reading at the time?' Olivia thought about it for a moment. Using her finger to draw the moister from the base of the glass out to create squiggling lines. She lifted the glass to admire her work, it looked like a sun.

'I was having trouble with my French, and my mother, being half French herself could not allow the language to die in the family, so she was having me translate French renaissance to English, and refusing to speak to me, Or acknowledge anything I said in English.'

'you didn't answer my question' Olivia sighed and looked at him.

'because I don't remember, I imagine she was reading them to translate herself, to examine my work.' she placed her Glass back down at the table. 'I am having trouble seeing what this has to do with anything'

'I am just trying to get your brain to focus on that time in your life'

'and if my brain doesn't feel like it?' she asked, her jaw setting, her eyes meeting his in a glare.

'why wouldn't your brain feel like it?' he asked. Olivia's eyes started to water.

'my brain doesn't like to go anywhere before the age of 18 when I moved out'

'why not?'

'that's not why we're here, we're hear to remember Mark and Jimmy'

'Cragen says you already remember Mark pretty well.'

'not well enough to recognize him the other night'

'he probably didn't recognize you either'

'no, I imagine I've changed a lot' there was silence then as Olivia went back to tracing patterns in the moisture on the table.

'did your mother ever let you read her poetry?'

'yes, I read every poem she ever wrote. She was very good, but she did not want to publish'

'are there any that stand out from the time she was hanging around jimmy and Mark?' Olivia shook her head. 'because she didn't write any?'

'no she did, she wrote one about me, some free form mumblings about womanhood. I remember it embarrassed me,'

'why did it embarrass you?' Olivia shrugged.

'I was 14, lanky, awkward, and resenting the changes I was going though.' Olivia sighed again. 'my mother's poetry often implied that being a Woman was both a blessing and a curse. There is beauty and power in womanhood, but also suffering and pain. I don't think I was ready to become a woman, because there was no way I could become the woman she wanted me to be.' 'what kind of woman is that?' there were suddenly tears in Olivia's eyes, her lungs felt empty, her knees week. She shivered.

'she didn't want me to be a victim too' her arms crossed over each other, hugging her gut as she tried to hold her tears at bay, her face contorting with the effort. 'but I wasn't strong enough, I am still not' she took a long deep shuddering breath and blew it out slowly, trying to calm herself.

'you remember now don't you' Olivia nodded silently, still trying not to let the sobs escape her throat. 'I know you don't want to Olivia, but you have to tell me, you need to tell me what happened.'

'I woke up one night, I was on the couch, I must have fallen asleep there waiting for them to come home, I, I remember hearing my mother throwing up in the bathroom, I hear her pour another drink to get the taste out, she was laughing the whole time, talking to someone, she, it was Jimmy I think, but I don't know, she told him to check on me, to make sure I was ok. I closed my eyes tight. I didn't want her to know that I was awake, that I'd heard her getting sick, that I may overhear what I knew she was about to do.' Olivia pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her feet on the edge of her chair, her fingers still trailing patterns on the table. She watched the water intently. ' _Comment expliquez-vous l'horreur, n'est-ce pas ? Et pourquoi ? La révélation ne peut pas dégeler l'engourdissement._ He came into the living room and I could feel him looking at me, I didn't move, I think I knew something was wrong and I froze, I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. Not even when he, he reached down and touched me, between the legs, he was stroking my panties and I wanted him to stop, wanted to close my eyes and tell him stop, _l'arrêt, s'il vous plaît, partir_, I heard someone else coming down the hall and wanted to call to them but I couldn't. he stopped when the person got the door, he told them I was sound asleep and walked away. That was the last time I saw him, I never asked why he stopped coming around.'

'did you ever tell your mother?'

'no, I didn't want to tell my mother that I'd failed her, didn't want to make her feel as though she'd failed me.' Olivia finally let the sob she'd been holding escape. Finally allowed the tears too fall from her eyes. '_Je suis la mère désolée, je suis si désolé_' she didn't know how long she'd been like that before she felt strong arms around her, Elliot's arms. She reached out and grabbed for the sweater he was wearing, taking a handful of in and pulling him closer.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

there you have it. another chapter done.

i suppose some of you are going to want translations. and for those of you who are fluent in french, your going to want to yell at me for the grammar. my french is a little rusty having not used it for years, no it's as close as i can manage.

_Comment expliquez-vous l'horreur, n'est-ce pas ? Et pourquoi ? La révélation ne peut pas dégeler l'engourdissement_ is 'how do you explain horror, anyway? and why? revelation would not thaw the numbness' a quote from a canadien author by the name yann martel

_l'arrêt, s'il vous plaît, partir _is 'stop, please stop'

_Je suis la mère désolée, je suis si désolé _is 'i am so sorry mother, i am so sorry'


	10. Chapter 10

disclaimer, all that blah blah blah 

i spent the last day and a half with my dad, and got some inspiration. so Don Cragen, this is your time to shine.

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoeoe

'we need to bring James Clark' Haung said to Cragen as he left the room, giving Olivia some privacy. Cragen nodded, his eyes watering. 'You mentioned there were notes on the fight twenty years ago, I need look at those.' Cragen reached out to flip the blinds closed and turned to dig through the files on his desk. They were interrupted by Munch and Fin.

'You can stop feeling bad for going so long with no ID, our Vic's daughter didn't seam to care, said she hadn't talked to him since she struck out on her own at the age of 17.' Munch said.

'she'll be down to sign the release papers for the body tomorrow' Fin added, the two stopped dead at the look on Cragen's face. 'what'd we miss?' fin asked.

'We're gonna need you to go pick up this guy' Cragen said, pulling a current address and the photo from the booking twenty years ago. 'I, I don't even know what to make of it right now, so I am not going to explain right now, just, don't tell anyone I said this, but try to bang him up as much as possible without bringing on a law suit on his way here.' If munch and Fin were shocked they didn't show it, just took the offered items and were back out the door.

'this is odd' Haung said, having grabbed the file he needed off the desk while Cragen had been talking. 'shortly after the incident at the bar, there was a restraining order placed by Olivia's mother'  
'against Clark?' Cragen asked, moving to look over Haung's shoulder.

'no' Haung answered, looking up from the file to meet Cragen's eyes. 'against Salinger' Cragen took the file from him hands. 'the file says little about the fight, and the statements they got from all three don't really say much in the way of what they were fighting about, but there is mention of Olivia, and not long after the incident, there was a family services investigation of Salinger, his daughter was never removed, nothing was ever followed up. It doesn't look like they had anything to move forward with.'

'what was the charge?'

'sexual abuse' both men took a moment to read through the file together, gathering their thoughts. 'Olivia said that someone walked in' Haung said, moving away from the file to pace the room. 'I have a feeling that they were fighting about what happened'

'so Salinger brings up what he walked in on to Olivia's mother and Clarke turns it back on him, convincing Serena to cut ties with him and taking the accusations to family services to mess with his life for a bit.' Cragen finished the thought, the two shared a look.

'I don't know' Haung said 'it sounds right but there's something that just doesn't click, I am going to need to pull some more information, I'll access the federal data base and report back to you later.' Cragen nodded and turned back to the Blinded window, a look of deep concern crossing his features. 'try not to baby her' Haung suggested, moving towards the door. 'she feels like all the strength and power she's held for the past twenty years has been taken away, may feel as though it was a farce to begin with, you need to make sure she feels like she can run her own show. Elliot seams to have a handle on the rest of it' Cragen nodded and Haung left the room.

Eoeoeoeoeoeeoeoeoeoe

It had been a long twenty minutes when Olivia's cries finally stopped, when they did she pulled abruptly from Elliot's embrace, giving herself space and straightening her shirt. She didn't make eye contact, acted as though he wasn't even in the room and she used the one way window to smudge her makeup back into place. Elliot sat heavily in one of the chairs, trying to watch her without making her uncomfortable.

'I am sorry' she said, turning to him and nodding towards the smudged tears and makeup on his sweater. Elliot looked down and smiled.

'it's ok' he whispered.

'no it's not Elliot' she countered, 'it's not ok, who the hell do I think I am, I tell victims every day that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that reporting the incident is the first step to taking back your life. But look at me. I can't even do that for myself.'

'you didn't even remember until an hour ago' Elliot said 'no one thinks any differently of you, you were 14, you were scared, and you were scared to let your mother down. The point is you've told someone now, you've remembered. And now you can deal with it.'

'deal with it how?' Olivia asked, turning back to the one way window to look at herself. 'the statute of limitations is way up on this one.'

'there are other ways to take your life back' Elliot said, moving towards her to place a warm hand on her back. 'and I want to be here to help you do that, if you'll let me. Don't shut me out' Olivia shut her eyes tightly.

'how could you say that?' Olivia asked. 'how could you still want to stand by me even though the person I've been for the entire tenure of our friendship has been a lie. The Olivia that you love doesn't actually exist.' Elliot moved closer still, wrapping his arms around her waist to clasp her arms that were hugging her stomach. He squeezed her lightly and moved to rest his face in her neck.

'Yes she does' we murmured into her skin. 'she's right here' he said, placing his hand over her heart before turning her to face him. 'look at me' he commanded, she slowly lifted her eyes to meet his. 'she's also right here' he said, moving his hand from her chest to his own. 'and she's going to be there for the rest of my life. Because she's stubborn' Olivia smiled. Her eyes tearing again. 'and she's gonna hold on like hell' Olivia sighed lightly as she felt his lips make contact with her temple. 'are you hungry?' Elliot asked after a few moments of just leaning into her, his lips resting against her skin.

'no' she answered in a whisper. 'not at all, I feel sick' Elliot pulled away, looking into her eyes.

'you haven't eaten since the diner, Liv. Just have a snack, on me' Olivia leaned back into him, moving her arms under his to hook onto his shoulder's from behind. Resting her chin on his shoulder.

'I just want to go home, have a bath, and sleep forever.'

'I know, but you can't, not until we get this guy'

'it's him isn't it?' Olivia said after a few minutes. 'It's jimmy who's been watching me'

'I don't know for sure, we won't until we get him in here' Olivia nodded slightly, then moved out of Elliot's embrace again, moving towards the door.

'I am going to go lay down in the crib' she said. 'I am emotionally and physically exhausted right now and I think the best thing for me is to just lay down for a while.' they moved together out of the room, both relieved to se that the bullpen was deserted. Well, almost deserted. Olivia felt like she was going to boot all over the floor when she saw a young delivery boy enter the room.

'I've got a package here for an Olivia Benson' he said, 'you her?' Olivia nodded silently, signing for the package with a shaking hand. It was Elliot who took the package from the young man, a large padded envelope. He didn't have to open it to know what it was.

'another tape' he stated. Olivia looked like a deer in headlights, starring at the package in his hands without blinking. 'I am gonna page Haung' he said, moving to the phone on his desk. 'do you want to go get Don?' Olivia nodded silently. She felt like she was moving in slow motion towards Cragen's door. She knocked lightly, not waiting for an answer before letting herself in.

Cragen was leaning against the front of his desk with his arms crossed, his right hand pinching the bridge of his nose. His bottle of Vodka on the table beside him. Unopened. Just there. Like the tattered remains of a child's security blanket. Neither said anything for a moment, Cragen looked up at her. Motioning towards the bottle with his head. The hand that was pinching his nose moving to grab a glass from behind him.

'you need one?' he asked quietly. Olivia shook her head and silence fell again. 'I am going to kill this bastard, Olivia, I swear to God I am going to kill him' Olivia wasn't sure which bastard he was talking about, wasn't sure if they were one and the same, or two different demons she was now fighting. But she smiled, oddly comforted by his protectiveness when she would usually be offended.

'you're the third person who's said that' she said, she let the comment fall with an all purpose expression in her voice, one that gave little away. And Cragen wasn't sure how he was supposed to respond. Wasn't sure when or why he suddenly felt the need to guard his responses, to think before he spoke. He regarded her silently. Olivia starring back, momentarily forgetting the minor emergency in the bullpen, wanting only to exists in this realm beyond professionalism with a man she saw as a father figure. Wanted to stand in this room offering and receiving comfort without actually doing anything for just a little while longer. She moved to lean next to him on the desk, assuming a similar position. Mirroring him in an effort to assume some of the strength she admired in him.

'Haung is off to do some digging' Cragen said finally. 'he thinks he may have something, and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have gone to pick up Clarke' Olivia nodded. Disappointed at the conclusion of this quiet bonding moment, but relieved that he wasn't shutting her out, wasn't treating her like a victim.

'I just received another package' she responded, 'Elliot's got it, he's calling Haung, it's another tape' Cragen sighed heavily, pushing himself off the desk and moving towards the door.

'let's go then' he said, opening the door for her. Placing a gentle hand on her shoulder as she passed him.

eoeoeoeoeoeeoeoe

i just have to say that i am so school girl giddy about the fact that LivNel4ever likes my story as i am such a fan!

and i really apreciate the reviews from the rest of you as well!!!


	11. Chapter 11

i would just like to say to the flaming flamer that hit my account that i am a little jelous of the time you seem to have on your hands, you must really be bored if you have to resort to copy-and-pasting the same flame over and over again into every single one of my stories. i've tried to me mature about it and just let it go, but i just needed to let you know how lucky you are to have so much free time.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

'what's it like?' mark had an annoying habit of asking obscure questions at obscure times, Olivia didn't like that, it made her feel slightly uncomfortable. She turned to face him, turning from her homework to look at him, her eyebrows coming together in a confused look

'what's what like?' she asked. 'being your mother's daughter.' he replied, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

'can't complain too much, there are kids who've got it much worse' she answered bravely, adjusting the pencil in her had before turning back to her homework. Her long dark bangs slid out of their ponytail and over her face.

'that wasn't my question' his voice wasn't menacing, but it held an edge of something dark, something harsh that Olivia couldn't place, she glanced up, looking towards the door to her mother's room, she and Jimmy had disappeared into that room 15 minutes ago, she knew it would be a few hours before they came out again, if they did at all until morning.

'I don't want to answer your question.' she responded, not with her mother so close by, not while the evidence of her mother's less that mother like tendencies were lurking behind the door across the room from her. 'Why are you always taking pictures of me?'' she asked, turning back to face him, motioning to the camera in his hands. Changing the subject.

'because your beautiful' his smile was nice, but there was a nervousness to it reminded her of the charming smiles of men who'd come before, men who'd tried to impress her mother by getting close to her. She didn't like that feeling either, she felt the need to protect her mother, she did not want to be used to gain access. Her face did not show any emotion, she trained her cold stare right on his curving mouth, trying to remind herself that, trying not to trust him.  
'no really' the said dryly, raising a delicate eye brow

'because you're a princess, and princess's should never lack attention and admiration' Olivia rolled her eyes. And turned again to her homework, making a point at looking as though she was concentrating even though she was still talking.

'I am not a princess.' she quietly copied an equation from her text book to her page in black pen and picked up her pencil to complete the square. 'Mother says that real woman don't need a prince to save them,' she continued. 'real woman can save themselves'

'and why can't princess's be princess's and save themselves.' Mark asked with a grin.  
'because they're never given the chance to try' Olivia said with a look of wisdom beyond her 14 years. Mark's voice was dripping with confusion when he responded 'what do you mean?'

'I mean wherever there's a princess, there's inevitably some pig headed misogynistic prince lurking around every corner waiting to swoop in and save her under the assumption that she's too pretty to save herself.' she couldn't have sounded more like her mother in that moment, even to her own ears, she couldn't help the smile of pride from forming on her face. That was the type of snappy comment her mother would have answered with. The type Olivia had always wished she had the guts to say and there it was, hanging in the air between them

'your mother tell you that part too?' Olivia glared, of coarse at 14, no one thought that she could possibly have a thought of her own. She was still her mother's work in process. A feminista in training her mother would grin at her whenever she gave someone what would one day be her don't-patronize-me glare.  
'she didn't have to, I see it all around me' she answered coldly. She had been happy that he was hear, that there was someone to keep her company while her mother entertained. But now she just wanted him to go. She knew he wouldn't, knew he would keep asking his questions.

'for example?'

'you, your here, trying to get me to open up, to say things about my mother, to make me cry so that you can try to save me' she gave him another pointed look and then directed her attention back to the next equation. Silently wishing that all equations, like what Mark was up to, had an answer key somewhere so she could check her work.

'what makes you think so?'

'I am perceptive'

'yeah, you sure are' Olivia did her best to keep looking at her work, she was done talking to him, didn't want him here anymore. Something had changed in his demeanour, something she couldn't place. Something about his gleeful reaction to her feisty rebuttal to his ridiculous questions that made her feel uneasy, made her want to stare at her mother's bedroom door in an effort to make her come out and make him leave. Why was he here anyways. She was too old for a babysitter, and while jimmy's reason for being here was obvious, her mother had shown little to no interest in Mark.

'what are you doing?' Olivia asked, her head snapping up from her homework to look at his hand resting gently on her knee.

'I thought you were perceptive?' he replied. His eyes seamed to darken, Olivia wanted to throw up

'I am late for my dance class' Olivia got up and folded her books into one another. She grabbed her duffle bag from the chair by the door and walked out of the apartment.

All this was captured on film, from Mark's perspective. Olivia remembered the camera being constantly at Mark's side, she was never aware that it was on to capture anything. Elliot could feel the anger coming of her skin in waves as the tape ended, but wasn't sure how to comfort her, if she would accept comfort standing silently in a room with Haung and Cragen. 

'that's not the same voice from the other videos' Haung stated. 'do you remember who this conversation was with Olivia?' she nodded, the bile raising in her throat.

'That was Mark,' Olivia said, the strength in her voice startling herself. 'I don't remember the conversation, but I know that jimmy never said more than two words to me, and I don't think we were ever alone in a room together.' Olivia closed her eyes, suddenly unable to forget the evens of the other night, her skin suddenly itched as though she hadn't showered in a while, burned with pain everywhere he'd touched her. She started shaking suddenly as she remembered his fingers on her in the cab, stroking her above her panties. The look on his face had seamed orgasmic at the time, but now that she thought about it, it was a little disconcerting that someone would take that much pleasure in heavy petting. Then her body put it together, her memories comparing notes. She was vaguely aware that she was vomiting, was somewhat aware of Elliot holding her hair back, holding a trash can in front of her to catch the contents of her stomach. She doesn't remember getting up to the crib, or falling asleep.

Eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

'We can't pick the Vic' Elliot heard Cragen tell him, he was staring at the Photo's of Mark Salinger's body on the whiteboard. And there must have been something sinister in his gaze for Cragen to be attempting to talk him down, Only Olivia had ever dared. But she was asleep upstairs. He was glad, had the shaking and vomiting not stopped before it did Haung would have sedated her.

'where are Munch and Fin with Clarke?' he asked. Ignoring his Captain's comments.

'they've set up a stake out in front of his apartment. They haven't been able to find him' Elliot ran a frustrated hand over his head. Rubbing his tired eyes. It was only early evening, but he was exhausted.

'I am going to go lay down in the crib' he said gruffly. He needed to leave the room, and it seamed that Cragen understood this, both men having trouble coming to grips with what they had learned. Haung had laid it all out for them. It was Salinger who had assaulted Olivia 20 years ago, and for some reason, this had lead to Clarke's obsession with her. The hardest part of it all being that they had no idea when it had started, no idea how long this had been going on. Both men felt ashamed that there had been no way to know, no way to protect the women they loved.

Elliot made his way into the crib and sat on the bunk next to Olivia, watching her brows furrow with worry in her sleep. He hoped she wasn't dreaming. She was in basically the same position she'd been in when he'd left her there hours ago, a good sign.

Anger and guilt burned through his veins so hot he was afraid to touch anything, for fear it would burst into flames. For the first time in his life he felt completely and utterly useless. Helpless in a way that made his heart constrict and his stomach turn. He did the only thing he could think of. His mouth taking on a life of his own he started to mumble prayers, passages from the bible. Sending out the Lords prayer for strength, a few hail Mary's for forgiveness, until he could no longer remember the words.

'please God' he said quietly, his lips moving but the sound barely getting past his lips. This was all he knew how to do. He pushed forward off of the thin mattress and fell to his knees his arms falling limply to his sides. Tears stung at his eyes and he looked to the ceiling, his voice becoming stronger as he pleaded. 'please god, I don't know why your doing this, but please god give me the strength to protect her. Give me the strength to get through this, but most of all give her the strength to come out of this stronger than she was before.'

'ever the good catholic' Elliot's gaze snapped from the ceiling to Olivia's now wide open eyes. She seamed calm, clear headed, he hoped that it was that the sleep had done her good, not the beginning of a shut down, of her pushing away from everyone in her life. He smiled at her, embarrassed, not entirely sure what to say. 'I've always admired that about you' she said softly, her eyes misting but oddly clear as they darted over his face, the tears in his eyes, running over his cheeks, down his neck. He made no move to hide them.

'what?'

'Your faith.' she said, reaching for one of his hands with as little movement possible. She still felt sick and didn't want to tempt fate, or her stomach by moving too much. 'it's something I was never able to grasp. How you could hold such faith after the devastation we witnessed every day' they were silent together, Elliot's head bowing to their joined hands, still silently praying.

'when I was little, we lived in this apartment in Brooklyn' her husky voice broke the tension with so much emotion Elliot was afraid to move. 'it was a block or so from this beautiful cathedral. I remember pointing it out to my mother one day. She blew me off, it seamed to make her uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why. I started going there to stand outside on the steps and just look at it. Even at 6 I had the feeling of something bigger than myself. I would crane my neck back as far as it would go and stare until my muscles ached at the clouds rushing by it, making it seam as though it were coming down on me.' Elliot gave her a re-assuring squeeze of the hand, unsure of how else to encourage her, afraid that any action on his part would stop her. Scare her away from discussing her childhood so openly. Something he was certain she had never done before.  
'one day when I went by there after school, they were running a fund raiser for sick children, and, in an effort to be nice and make friends in the neighbourhood I offered all of the lucky pennies I had found that day. I handed it over and told them that I didn't need the luck half as much as other children did' there was a pause as Olivia glanced around the room with a far off look in her eye. 'I must have looked ridiculously pathetic, ratted clothes, matted hair, nasty purple bruise on my cheek. The nun who I'd handed it to gave me this funny look. It, It wasn't the same look I got from the other adults. She didn't feel sorry for me, she seamed, proud, I think, but at the time I think it frightened me a little. She asked me to pray with her, took me onto her lap, folded my cold hands into hers and started praying aloud'  
'I had never felt more safe than in that moment. I spent the better part of the next few months trying to re-create that feeling. I wanted to re-create it so that I could show my mother. I had hoped that if she could feel the way I did in that moment that she wouldn't be so sad anymore' Olivia was crying softly now, looking directly into Elliot's sad blue eyes. The tears running over her cheeks matching Elliot's.  
'It took me exactly three and a half weeks to work up the courage to ask her to take me to church. she just laughed at me and asked why. I told her, that I wanted to pray.' Olivia moved her eyes from Elliot's and starred at the ceiling. 'that night, was the first night I can remember her going out and not coming home all night. I dropped the subject, never went back to that church. I couldn't understand why something that made me so happy could make her feel so sad. So I gave up. Figured that if it made my mother sad that it couldn't be worth it. And after everything that happened, I just figured that if God was really out there he would have protected me from everything.' 

Elliot's body seamed to move of it's own accord as he found himself unable to be so far from her in that moment. With a sob he leaned forward and pulled himself along side her on the cot. His arms coming around her to clasp her crying form so tightly to his chest he was afraid for a moment that he's hurt her. Until he felt her arms come around his waist. Felt her heaving breaths against his shirt mixing with her tears as she buried her face in his neck.

'I've learned a lot about faith from you Elliot' she said. Her voice muffled, sending vibrations through his chest but he heard her loud and clear. 'and even though I've been unable to accept the existence of a power greater than myself, I find that the faith I have in you is almost as comforting.' .

eoeoeoeoeoeeoeoe more to come with the case and what not, but in the meantime,please review! 


	12. Chapter 12

I am BAAAAAACK, so sorry for the long absense everyone, this story is kind of emotionally draining to write, and i think i just kind of hit a wall, but after month of writing nothing but term papers i am ready to right emotionally again. this chapter is short, and i apologize for that, but i like to break my chapters naturally rather than having a set length.

disclaimer: i don't own them, i am clearly not cool enough to be Dick wolf.

eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe

An hour later there was a gentle knock at the crib door. Elliot and Olivia had not moved from their positions on the cot, and even with the threat of an intruder, Olivia had no intention of moving. A fact she made clear to Elliot by gripping him tighter and pressing her face harder into his chest. Before heaving a muffled shout.

"it'd better be important" she called, to Elliot she whispered. "don't let go, I think you're the only thing holding me together." Elliot nodded silently and heard the door creak open, a few echoing footsteps as the intruder entered the room. Elliot concentrated, unable to see the entrance from his position he tried to listed to the pace and weight of each footfall to discern their identity.

"I just wanted to make sure that you two were alright" Haung said softly as he sat with his back to Elliot and Olivia on the cot across from them. Offering support and privacy at the same time. 'I've brought some food, nothing too heavy, just some fruit and crackers with cheese." he paused for a moment when he heard Elliot grumble a thank you. "I brought water too" he said after a few moments. "I know you probably don't feel like eating right now Olivia, but at the very least you need to stay hydrated."

Olivia took a deep breath, taking one last moment to enjoy the comforting sent of Elliot before pulling herself slowly to a sitting position. Elliot grunted at the loss of contact and followed suit. Haung turned around and gave a supportive look to both of them, then smiled a smile of amusement.

"you both look as though you've been sent to the principals office." he said softly. "I can assure you I've not been sent to make you talk about it. I trust that you've been talking to each other, and when it's all this fresh that's the best thing for you two right now." both Elliot and Olivia looked relieved. Olivia even went so far as to share his amusement with a small smile before she became serious again.

"if" she started, then stopped again, reaching silently for one of the water bottles that Haung held in his hands. They were silent for a few more minutes while she sipped it slowly. "If Mark, was the one who, If he's the one that … why is Jimmy watching me." Haung took a moment to consider the question before answering thoughtfully.

"I think that there is more to what happened 20 years ago than we know, I think that for some reason, Jimmy may have felt guilty or responsible for what happened that night. You said that your mother's relationship with Jimmy was only physical, but I have a feeling that Jimmy had a different take on it than your mother. And when she took the restraining order out on Mark, she cut Jimmy out as well as a means of sucking the poison out. My best guess is that this frustrated him to the point of becoming obsessive about your protection, and over the years that obsession became sexual in nature." Olivia nodded. Absorbing everything that Haung had told her while reaching out for Elliot's hand.

"Mark's daughter …" Olivia's voice trailed off, Elliot smiled catching eyes with Haung. It was just like Olivia to think of others first, of coarse she would realize that his daughter was at greater risk for greater abuse than she had suffered.

"more than likely" Haung said with a sad nod. "from Munch and Fin's report I'd bet on it. They said she was emotionally detached and very clinical about the news of her father's death."

"Had I said something then, she wouldn't …"

"Liv." Elliot said in a warning tone. Knowing where she was going with the thought.

"Elliot." Haung responded. "it's perfectly natural for Olivia to have feelings of guilt, they may be somewhat misguided from a rational standpoint but the feeling are still their and their very real" Elliot glared at Haung for a few moments before looking back at the floor in concession.

"if my mother knew" Olivia started after ten minutes or so of tense silence. "if she suspected enough to get a restraining order, if Jimmy told her what happened, why didn't she say anything? Why wasn't she mad at me?" Haung took a deep breath and scooted to balance on the edge of the cot, the springs squeaking as he leaned forward to make eye contact with Olivia.

"she was protecting you" he said simply. But could tell that Olivia didn't believe it. "your mother may have been hard on you Olivia, she may have been distant but I now that she loved you. As far as any of the adults involved that night were concerned you hadn't woken up, you didn't know what was happening, by not bringing it up, by simply eliminating them from your environment and pretending it never happened she thought she was doing what was best for you. So that you wouldn't feel like a victim. So that you wouldn't be a victim." Olivia took a shaky breath and held it, twisting the water bottle in her hands, listening to it slosh around the sides.

"There's this line, from a poem that my mother loved by Judy Graund." Olivia said quietly after another long silence. "'she figured out that the best way to keep from being frozen was to stay in motion and long ago converted most of her flesh to liquid. Now when she smells danger she spills herself all over like gasoline and lights it' I remember thinking that that poem must be describing how my mother felt, desperately trying to escape, trying to not be frozen in that one horrible moment in time by means of painful self destruction.' Olivia lifted her wet eyes to meet Haung's again. Folding her arms around herself. 'but that's not it, not it at all, it's much, much worse than that' Haung nodded and stood, putting a warm hand on her shoulder before nodding at Elliot and leaving the room.

"how are they?" Cragen asked nervously when Haung hit the bottom of the stairs. Haung shrugged.

"Elliot's looking pretty numb right now, they're both exhausted, Olivia's doing remarkably well, she's introspective, she's asking questions, analysing the answers and doing her best to address all of her emotions. As long as she feels up to it I don't see why we couldn't heed his request, she's certainly emotionally prepared to handle the fall out.' Cragen nodded and glanced over to Interrogation where James Clarke was refusing to speak to anyone but Olivia.


	13. Chapter 13

well, i am not sure about this chapter, if it's in character for Olivia, if i made the right call on having it all take place in interrogation, but i am putting it out there none-the less. please tell me what you think.

it may be a few days before the next update as this chapter took alot outta me, and i am also working on another, lighter fic than this one.

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU

When Cragen apprises them of the situation Olivia is unsurprisingly silent, while Elliot is unsurprisingly adamant that they should not even be considering this coarse of action. Cragen focuses on Olivia's face for a moment, watching her eyes fill with fear, pain, and confusion as she quietly contemplates her options and weighs the pros and cons. Elliot is repeating all of the reasons why they shouldn't when Olivia lays her hand on his arm, asking him with pleading eyes to stop.

'I have to' is all she says to him, and not for the first time in their partnership does Cragen marvel at they're seemingly telepathic connection because all it takes for him to grudgingly agree is a look and a tip of the head. Elliot grasps her left hand in both of his and lightly kissed the knuckles there before seating himself obediently in a chair beside where she is standing. Cragen ignores the show of physical affection, friends are aloud to offer comfort, if IAB has a problem with that they can take it up with him. Olivia shifts nervously on her feet for a few moments before looking up at the captain in desperation.

"I" she starts and then hesitates, looking to her left for support from Elliot who smiles lightly and nods. "I don't know what I am supposed to say to him." it occurs to Cragen that it has taken a lot for her to say this. The interrogation room has always been her playground, one she shared with Elliot in the same easy way that two children would toss a ball back and forth in an actual schoolyard. He nods at her, putting as much love and support in his eyes as he could muster.

"Haung is going to hook you up to an ear piece so that he can walk you through the interview." he said. And then hardened his gaze "and I want you to listen to him Olivia, if at anytime he thinks that you're not listening, or the interview is taking a bad turn, he will shut it down." Olivia nodded, clenching her jaw and raising her chin defiantly.

'when do we start?" Olivia asked.

'whenever you're ready" Cragen answered with a worried look. "we just need to do a run through with Haung." Olivia nodded and stoically left the room walking straight over to where Haung was sitting with the notes he'd taken.

"now" she told him in a tone a little stronger than necessary. Haung looked up at her, confused. "you need to brief me and I need to do this now" she clarified. "before I loose my nerve" Haung nodded slowly, sending a reassuring look at Cragen and Elliot who were standing, stunned and worried at Cragen's office door.

"Ok," he said motioning to the tech guys across the room that they could start hooking Olivia up with the ear piece. "I am going to be right here with you guiding you through this process. I am not going to ask you to play the victim, and if you're uncomfortable with any of my suggestions, I want you to signal that to me by tugging your left ear as subtly as you can." Haung paused, waiting for Olivia to indicate that she got it. "He's probably going to be more interested in you and your life than in answering your questions." he continued when Olivia nodded. "don't give him any information unless he cooperates with you, and then it's your discretion, you can give him information or not depending on what you're comfortable with" Olivia nodded again. "if your comfortable talking about it, I want you to try and get him to talk about the time he spent with you and your mother 20 years ago, I am hoping that taking him back to when the anger started will lead him to a confession on the murder."

"Ok" Olivia sighed. "let's get this show on the road"

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVU

Haung had been right, he was far from the shadowy trench coated face she had connected in her mind to the hastily written notes and disturbing videos. He had kept himself healthy, his broad shoulders and strong arms straining against the knitted green sweater he wore, the collard shirt he wore underneath was neatly pressed. His hands, face and greying hair painstakingly trimmed and manicured. His grey eyes sparkled from behind light reading glasses as he smiled at her.

"Olivia" he said in a low warm voice. A voice that under any other circumstance could be considered comforting. Olivia tried hard not to cringe. "it's so good to see you looking well." Olivia forced a smile. She glanced with a sigh towards the window and took a breath. Elliot was there, he was watching, she could feel his love and support as if his gaze were burning a hole in her head from behind the two way. She squared her shoulders.

"cut the crap Jimmy" she hissed. "we both know you've been watching me long enough to know that I am far from well right now" the smile left Clarke's face, his face falling into an expression of worry.

"has someone been bothering you Olivia?" Olivia tensed, taking a breath to reply when she heard Haung's calming voice in her ear.

_I know you're upset Olivia but I need you to try and be less Confrontational, I need you to get him talking about the past, ask him about your mother's class. _

"I saw, in your information that you attended Columbia when my mother was teaching there. Did you take any classes with her?" Clarke pursed his lips, and turned his eyes to the ceiling as though trying to remember before he smiled at her.

"of coarse I did, you know that. she was a wonderful teacher, your mother." Clarke leaned forward, pulling his Reading glasses off and looking thoughtful. "a beautiful woman" he added in a fare away voice.

"I know that" Olivia said through her teeth.

"I was sorry to hear of her death" Olivia cleared her throat and stared down at the table in front of her.

"yeah, so was I"

"do you know what my first thoughts were when I read her obituary?" Olivia shook her head. "I thought of that smart, independent, sad little girl with the big brown eyes that used to sit in the front row of her lectures, rapt with attention." Olivia looked up and met Clarke's eyes.

"I liked to listen to her lecture" Olivia whispered "she was happiest when she was lecturing." Clarke nodded at her sadly, and Olivia was struggling to keep her anger at bay. The last thing she wanted was this man's pity.

_Remember Olivia, I don't want you to talk about yourself until he's given us something_

Olivia shifted slightly in her chair, not entirely comfortable with the idea of using her personal life as a bargaining chip.

"yes, and it didn't take long to realize that her daughter was happiest listening to her lecture. Mark said it was tragic, that first semester you were only 10. Such a tiny girl." he said, "so small and yet your eyes held so much sorrow. Mark said that all you would need was a little bit of love." Olivia shivered. "his young wife was expecting a little girl of his own at the time" he mentioned of handedly.

_Can you ask him about Ella?_

"how is Ella?" Olivia asked softly.

"I am afraid I don't know, Mark was devastated by the death of his wife, and afterwards he hardly mentioned her at all, only when he needed a sitter, I think he was determined though, to make her happy, to love her."

_Ok Olivia, you're doing great. Talking about Ella didn't get the reaction I wanted from him. Can you steer the conversation back towards your mother's lectures?_

"I was much older than 10 when I met you" Olivia stated. Clarke smiled.

"yes, I had a few more classes with your mother but it wasn't until she became my thesis advisor that I really got to know either of you, but in that time I watched you and your mother grow. It was like nothing I had ever seen. Your mother was never published but her students knew that she was a wonderful artist. She would share sometimes, some of her writings, some of yours." he paused. Leaning back and Observing Olivia with a steady gaze. "looking back now I suppose it's easy to pinpoint when Mark's admiration started to turn into something … darker." Olivia took in a shaky breath, averting her watery eyes away from Clarke to study the wall to the right of him.

"when?" she asked, caught between needing to know and not wanting to.

"your mother, brought in a painting one day, one she said was inspired by the poet we were studying. She called it a portrait of sorts, a little girl in a tattered too-too slouching on a dark washed canvas. The eyes in this painting were what got to me, how I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it as a representation of you without necessarily possessing the detail to make the comparison. The child's eyes popped out of the painting and into the viewers soul. A sadness so deep that one was momentarily lost in the haze of it." Olivia fought tooth and nail to keep her composure, she knew the painting well, it had hung in her mother's home study until the day she died. It was still in storage somewhere. Olivia, in a haze of grief had picked few items to keep of her mothers. That being one of them, she didn't want to regret that now, did not want to resent it.

'Mark mentioned after that class that it was fitting. That you, with all of your cleverness, beauty and sadness were your mother's masterpiece.' Clarke paused here for a long time, his eyes roaming Olivia's shape. He leaned forward reaching for Olivia's hands where they rested on the table. She jerked back and met his gaze in a stony glare. "I agree with that assessment, you were by far her greatest work of art" he whispered this to her, in a loving tone, one of reverence and care.

'he was in love, with your mother," he continued, voice falling back into the same low monotone as before. "as was I, but his love was different, it was more of a deep lust, the kind one would more likely find in a romantic tragedy and not in real life. I think that maybe he wanted to learn from your mother, to make his daughter a masterpiece of his own.'

_Ok, Olivia, this is where it gets tough _Olivia tried not to look shocked at this statement, tried not to react. She wasn't sure she could keep sitting here if it was going to get any tougher. _you have to ask him what happened to his friendship with Mark. _Olivia swallowed loudly.

"you and Mark must have been close if your shared all of this, I remember you two being close"

"we were. As close as two men could be at one time, though after some experimentation we mutually decided that we were not suited to be lovers. Only close confidants. But there are some things that cannot be shared in any close relationship without tearing it apart."

"the love of a woman" she asked, eyebrow cocked questioningly as she met his eyes again.

"no" he said with a light laugh, "our rolls and ways of loving your mother never crossed paths, what tears relationships apart are secrets, and you, Olivia, you are full of secrets." Olivia's brows came together in confusion. Her mouth dropping open slightly. "I am sure you know by now, that they're in your blood. Poisoning your mind. Tainting your soul." Clarke sighed, leaning closer still his voice dropping to a whisper again. "the only way that your mother could protect you Olivia, was to protect those secrets, because secrets are only harmful to those who know them, to keep a secret is to keep it's evil at bay, to limit it's power." Olivia lost the battle with her tears as one made a daring leap from her lashes and onto her cheek, yet she could not look away. As if held by some unseen force Olivia could not move, could not speak, could barely breath. "but secrets are seductive, Mark, somewhere along the line figured out that there were secrets lurking and over the coarse of his relationship with your mother he gathered the pieces and put it all together, and when he knew the sins of your father, when he had discovered the betrayal of your grandmother. And the cowardice of your mother's would-be protectors, he took them to her. In the hopes that the power of these secrets would bring them closer." Olivia felt light headed and somewhat foolish, the tale that this man was spinning for her sounded more like a fairytale than the story of her life.

'he did not expect your mother to turn him away, decline his offer of protection and close herself off from him completely. So the poison of your secrets turned his anger on the one piece of her soul that still held the shine of innocence, he set to spoil you Olivia, her masterpiece. I knew, after he left, after she banished him, and later me from her life and yours that protecting those secrets would eventually kill her. So when I heard that they had, that she had finally gone under and not come back for air, I knew that I had to continue where she had left off, I had to protect you Olivia, Serena Benson's greatest work. But you had already been tainted. I found you lost, and alone, wading deep into the poison waters that had caused your mother's demise and working this job that took you deep into the minds of those like your father. and all I could do was watch from a distance, I felt helpless, I felt guilty, but those emotions were expected, I did not expect to feel lust, and I most certainly did not expect that lust to turn into love." Olivia desperately wanted to stop, wanted to scream and cry and run, just run and run until her legs gave out and she could collapse into a sleep sounder than death. She gasped for air but still did not look away.

"you don't love me" she said finally, "you're hurting me" Clarke's face went deathly pale, his expression one of panic. He reached out, taking Olivia's hand in his own, Olivia sobbed, but held his gaze.

"you have to understand Olivia that that was never my intention, after I saw that Mark had finally gotten to you, I knew that I would never be able to protect you as you needed to be protected. After the rage that ran through me, the rage that caused me to kill Mark in away that made sure to take any power he may have taken from you disappear, I packaged up my tapes and I sent them to you, so that you could see what I had done, how badly I had failed you. I needed to show you the demons and the secrets so that you could fight them yourself. Because a princess can be a princess and still save herself, she's just never given the chance."

The silence that fell over the room was devastating. Olivia could faintly hear Haung's voice in her ear, telling her that she could stop now. Olivia took a deep breath, leaning slightly closer to Clarke, her eyes intense.

"what you did" she said, her voice wavering with emotion but she was beyond caring. "hurt me more than those secrets ever could have. I've been battling them on my own for nearly 15 years." She stared into Clarke's eyes for another minute before standing, still not breaking eye contact she took in a long rattling breath and leaned over, planting a light kiss on the older man's forehead. "but I forgive you" Clarke crumpled sobbing to the table as Olivia left the room, not seeing anything or anyone as she b-lined for the roof.


	14. Chapter 14

and now the aftermath, another chapter is ready to go. . . i am thinking there may only be another chapter or so left in this story. though there is still alot of recovery for Olivia to face, i am not sure continuing to write it would stay interesting. . . but i can asure you that something that looks a little like a denumont will follow. and to make it really easy for me to write it, any questions about dropped story threads or supposed foreshadowing that confused anyone please ask!!! and i can hopefully explain it in the next chapter.

on another note, i've been looking for someone online to befriend as a sounding bored, editor and just law and order buddy that i can work with on some of the other ideas that i have. . . so get in touch if you think you could help me get better.

eoeoeoeoeo

The wind had picked up, sending a cold gust through the dirty streets, causing kamikaze taxi drivers to roll up their windows, Nannies to cover their charges with warmer sweaters and passers by to pull their jackets closer. It was as though the whole city shivered together, all except for Olivia.

From her position, curled into the corner of the short walls surrounding the roof, it was as though the rest of the world did not exist. Fat tears were rolling unfettered by their stubborn owner as she leaned her head back to stare into the heavens, her hands clasped together between her chest and drawn knees.

It was the closest she had come to praying since her childhood.

This is how Haung found her precisely 13 minutes later, after a frustrating argument with Elliot over who should be the one to follow her. While Haung was sure that Elliot's presence would be comforting to Olivia, he was under the impression that the shifting focus of their relationship may present more fuel to the emotionally confused flame that was ravaging Olivia's mind body and soul.

He was sure that Olivia had not noticed his presence and took the opportunity to observe her.

Despite the physical rest she had had in the crib today, there were dark circles under her eyes, accentuated by the pale skin of her cheeks which was smattered with the redness of broken capillaries from the violence of her tears, which were currently getting more violent, turning into deep coughing and dry heaving.

He had come prepared for this.

Sitting few feet away directly in front of her he placed a bottle of water and a paper bag by her quivering legs, making sure they brushed her calf as he set them down to alert her of their presence. Just the touch seamed to calm her though and after a moment she lifted her head to look at him. He reassured her with a nod towards the water but still said nothing. Having known Olivia for as long as he did, he realized that at this particular moment she would have to decide when and how the conversation would start.

She was shaking as she brought the water to her mouth, after a long sip she contemplated the bag for a moment, but discarded it, the storm that had ravaged her in the physical sense had ebbed. Instead she sipped the water slowly until three quarters of the bottle were gone before making eye contact with Haung.

'I am sorry' she said finally, her voice hoarse and quiet. 'I have a feeling that's not the way you imagined that interview would go' Haung shrugged, looking ahead of him and squinting at the city landscape.

'I think it went well considering my profile was off' he said. 'you did well, and I think you both got a lot of closure from the experience' Olivia let out a short laugh that held very little humour.

'if this is what closure feels like, I want my money back' Haung smiled as he glanced at her for a moment before looking back over the city.

'I was focused too much on the sexual elements of his infatuation' Haung admitted. 'I didn't realise that the basis of the behaviour had originated from such an Angel of death archetype.' Haung shrugged again and turned to meet her eyes. 'I guess this job does that to a person'.

'tell me about it' Olivia sighed, the remaining hitch in her voice from the violent sobs was slowly coming to a stop. 'I just, can't stop thinking about what my mother would have to say about all of this.' Olivia said, stretching her legs out so that her feet lay inches from Haung's leg. 'when I first took this job, she was upset, to say the least.' Olivia leaned forward, feeling the tightening of her thighs and pushing farther, until it burned. 'she didn't understand why I would want to throw myself into the minds of these offenders, when she had, in her own way, been trying to protect me from it my whole life. But it's like we're cursed or something, because even without this job, Clarke was still out there, thinking about us, weaving his fairy tail.'

'I think that your mother did the best she could with what she had' Haung said. 'I think that above all of her flaws, her goal was to raise you as a strong woman.'

'I think you give her too much credit, I didn't occupy that kind of prominence in her mind.' Olivia sighed and leaned back, pulling her knees back up to her chest. 'I think that maybe, their might have been a time when she loved me. There are photos, poems, paintings from when I was younger, before I can remember that suggest she was happy with me at some point.' Haung nodded quietly, contemplating his answer.

'there may have been a time where she saw you as a fresh start' he finally said. 'a way for her to start over.'

'until I as tainted' Olivia stated in monotone. They let the statement hang in the air for a few moments before Olivia continued. 'it was after that, when we stopped spending so much time together. I stopped going to her lectures, she stopped her after school literature lessons, we both spent a lot of time in the apartment but almost never together.' Olivia pressed her face into her knees. Suddenly desperate for a shower. She was dirty, tainted, and the abandonment that she had once seen as a side effect of her mother's alcoholism was now known to be something far less innocent, had been a mother's reaction to her daughter's filth.

'I would tell you that you were about the age that most teenagers are when they start to disconnect from their parents, but something tells me that wouldn't help at all' Olivia shook her head. Raising her eyes and lips in a sad smile.

'no, not at all, but thank you' she sighed. 'for trying' after another few minutes of silence Olivia lifted herself from the ground and offered a hand to help Haung from his position. 'I am tired' she said when he was standing. 'I want to go home, have a shower. I need to rest and think, and, I don't know, work through this' Haung nodded.

'I think that's a great idea.' he agreed. 'but I want you to come and see me day after tomorrow.' Olivia nodded and raised her hands to wipe her face of any remaining tears. 'I also want to encourage you to not try doing this alone, I know that you're in a rough spot, and I know that there is a fair amount of emotion that you need to work through by yourself, but you're going to need support as well' Olivia nodded but it was obvious that she wasn't really listening. So Haung moved closer, tilting his head until her had eye contact. 'I am serious Olivia, you and Elliot have come pretty far over the last few days, the last thing you need to do right now is push him away'. their eyes locked for a few moments before Olivia nodded again, this time with a small smile.

'I won't' she whispered, bringing her hand to her brow with a watery grin. 'scouts honour' she promised with a waive of her hand.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia stopped in the crib on her way down from the roof to find Elliot there trying to look as though he wasn't waiting for her. a smile came to her face, this time without a hint of sadness or bitterness to weigh it down. As always Elliot seamed to have sensed her presence and turned to study her with dark eyes, revealing nothing of the thoughts in his head. After searching her expression for any clue as to how to proceed he let the left corner of his mouth raise a faction and held out a hand to her.

'can I tell you something?' he asked as she moved forward and took his hands in hers. She nodded quietly, looking expectantly into his eyes. 'I love you' Olivia's eyes started to water again but she kept them at bay with a deep breath and a smile.

'thank you' she breathed, moving closer to rest her head on his collar bone. His arms circled around her immediately, and with a contented sigh Olivia moved closer still, burrowing her face into his neck. Haung had been right, his support was nice, and the lack of hesitation in his embrace was exactly what she had needed at that moment.

'I'll give you a ride home' He said, pressing a kiss to her hair and laying his head against hers. He did not let go of her as he said this however, and Olivia showed no signs that she had heard him at all. 'whenever you're ready' he added. He felt the slightest nod against his chest and tightened his arms around her.

Neither was aware of how long they had stayed like that but afterwards both could not deny the calm that settled over them. The ride to Olivia's apartment was quiet, passing in an easy silence that allowed them to listen contentedly to the rhythm of the other's breathing, and how it fit with the sounds of the city outside the window.

Elliot looked slightly disappointed when Olivia declined his offer to come up with her. She had chuckled softly and taken his hand in hers and lightly explained that if he came up, she would take him to her bed, and there were a few things she felt she needed to do before that. His smile had been brilliant, prompting her to blush and ask him if he'd like to come by that evening.

He had waited until she waived from the window, like he always did. She watched him drive away with a lump in her throat, but as she sunk into the scalding hot water of her bath she was happy for the reprieve. From the living room the bluesy notes of her mother's favourite album drew her to a place in her memories from before the actions of Jimmy and mark had scarred them. Her breathing evened out and she fell into that awkward middle ground between wakefulness and sleep in which thoughts can flow freely.

'_why did you name me Olivia?' it is the kind of question a child asks as a sort of fishing expedition, hoping to draw in a compliment, a tidbit of information that could be bragged about to other children, or in Olivia's case, just to hear her mother's Smokey voice get that tone it gets while she is revealing interesting facts and histories. _

'_well' her mother said, seemingly deep in thought as she marked her page in her book and looked down to where 7 year old Olivia's head is rested on her lap. 'Little One, the name Olivia is reminiscent of Olive' she explained, Olivia made a face causing her mother to chuckle. 'and the next time those stupid, insecure, little men on the playground remind you of that, you can tell them that the olive branch is a symbol of Athena" _

"_you mean Athena like from the stories you told me?" Serena Benson smiled down at her daughters large curious eyes. _

'_yes' she nodded, running her hands through the thick dark curls on top of her head, so unlike her own straight blonde hair. 'just like the stories, and do you remember who Athena was?"_

"_of coarse I do' Olivia nodded wildly, eager to take this chance to show her mother what she knew. 'Athena is a Goddess' she grinned. 'the leader of the amazons' _

'_yes, Little One, she is the Goddess of war and wisdom' Serena told her, a far away look clouding her hazel eyes. Olivia frowned, but stayed silent as her mother continued. 'I gave you a name that was a symbol of strength and wisdom, in hopes that you would be strong and wise too, but the olive branch is also a symbol of peace, and I wanted you to have that aswell'_

'_But maman' Olivia said, her brow lifting as she gave her mother a quizzical look. 'wouldn't you have known already that I would be strong and wise?' she asked. 'because you are strong and wise. . . And my father, wasn't my father strong and wise too?"_

_Olivia's childish questioning had ended abruptly there with a stinging cheek and the anger filled eyes of her mother. _

_It was certainly not the first time that Serena had struck her daughter. But it was the first time she had struck her daughter while sober. And that combined with the shock of it being the first time her daughter had asked about her father had sent Serena into a 4 day bender that had ended with Olivia calling the hospital when the usual cold water and hard slap to the face had not waken Serena from her slumber on the kitchen floor._

Olivia jumped slightly as she snapped out of her daze, sending a splash of water over the edge of the tub to lay in large droplets on the tiled floor. Taking a few deep breaths she pulled the plug to drain the now cold water of her tub and started the hot water tap to replace it.

She could not be sure why this memory in particular had found it's way to the surface, but she was sure to let it roll around in her head for a few moments, remembering the details of that day, the musky sweet sent of the dried rose Serena had used to mark her page, the soft worn cotton of her pants, and the firm calming rhythm of her hands in Olivia's hair.


End file.
