1. 1 Life

_What Might Have Been_

_(Chapter One: Life)_

Elliot splashed his face with water and patted it dry with the decorative hand towel from the rack beside the sink. It had been a long few weeks at work and things were finally starting to ease up a bit. Never the less, he was exhausted both physically and spiritually and was counting down the last few days before he would finally get to take a vacation.

Three months earlier his estranged wife had tossed him the divorce papers to sign on her way out the door. Kathy had said she just couldn't take it anymore, it was the job or her. And when Elliot hesitated a moment before making his decision, she made it for him as she scoffed and slammed the door behind her, driving out of town and out of his life.

It may have been the wrong choice, he thought now as he stood in the bathroom door and stared at the empty place in the bed where she used to sleep beside him. But his job was his calling and everything inside of him felt as if this were where he belonged. He spent his days putting away the bad guys, locking up rapists and molesters and trying to bring some kind of peace to the thousands of victims he met day in and day out. To quit would mean turning his back on them like so many others in the world had and pretty much telling them he didn't care anymore.

But he did care. He cared very much. He cared about the abused and the broken and wounded. He cared about the women and the children and the wronged. He cared enough that he had sacrificed his relationship with his wife to dedicate himself to finding their justice.

Kathy had wanted children. That had been their plan since they had married twelve years earlier. But after many years of late nights of fighting crime and closing cases, Elliot was never home long enough for them to try to conceive a child.

So now he stood here alone, in the home they had bought to build their family in. The house she had decorated during her twelve lonely years as Mrs. Elliot Stabler. And as much as he knew he still cared for her, he was shocked he wasn't more saddened by her leaving. Realizing for the first time that he just didn't love her anymore. Not the way he was supposed to anyway. Not the way a man is supposed to love his wife. Maybe it was inevitable. Or maybe it had been over for a long time and somehow he was just realizing it now.

Every day Elliot went to work and every night he came home alone to this empty house. Every morning started just the same, a hot shower, a cup of strong coffee and staring down the man in the mirror wondering where he'd be now if the choices he made so long ago had been different. He blinked his blue eyes and straightened his tie, then grabbed his car keys and headed out the door.

After spending the morning playing good cop, bad cop with Fin in the interrogation room it was time for an afternoon in court. Elliot was not the least bit interested in the same testimony he had already heard in so many other cases and found himself drifting off to another place.

He daydreamed the scenarios and what ifs as he waited for his turn to take the stand. He was to be the last witness called and knew this case forward and backward. Another somebody done somebody wrong, a typical every day event that turned ugly and lead to a murder victim and an abusive boyfriend with a smoking gun…..he didn't do it _of course_. And now with plenty of solid evidence against him as the only suspect, he sat here pleading for his freedom.

_Freedom_, Elliot thought to himself. That wasn't what he was thinking about when he raped and murdered his girlfriend in cold blood to keep her from leaving him. The young woman who would never be free again, because the man she thought she knew well didn't want her to be with anyone else. He was right about one thing, no one else would ever have her.

The judge called a recess for an hour break, before bringing in the next group of witnesses. Elliot thought this would be the perfect opportunity to grab a little late lunch and more caffeine from the vender around the corner to keep him going this afternoon.

He walked down the courthouse steps and made his way down the block. Standing in line he studied the menu intensely, before ordering the usual Ruben and Red Bull when he reached the window. He paid the man wand watched as they cooked his food on the grill.

In the distance the thunder began to roll and clouds hung low over the city. Elliot took a bite of his sandwich as he felt a sprinkle of rain and turned to head back to the courthouse. He watched the fast paced city goers begin to scurry even faster as the thunder boomed again and the rain began to fall a little bit harder.

He picked up the pace, hoping not to get drenched before having to take the stand. As he walked he popped the tab on the Red Bull to open the can and saw a bright flash of light, followed by a loud cracking sound.


	2. 2 Lightning

_What Might Have Been_

_(Chapter Two: Lightning)_

"Detective Stabler?" The judge's voice boomed from the stand in the front of the room.

"You're on," Casey said nudging Elliot in the side with her elbow. "Are you sure you're okay? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine. I just need some sleep, that's all. I've got this."

"Good. Your testimony is really important to this case."

"Casey, I know what I'm doing."

"Alright," she said as he stood and walked to the front of the room.

Elliot gave his usual flawless performance and the man was sentenced to twenty two years in prison for the murder of his _pregnant_ girlfriend and their unborn child. Later he sat in a bar celebrating the victory with Casey and some of the guys she worked with.

"I was worried when you came back after the break. You were soaked and looked like hell. What is going on with you?" she asked.

"Something strange happened."

"Strange? Like you had an epiphany?"

"No, it wasn't like that. I ran down to that little place around the corner and grabbed a late lunch. And on the way back something just happened."

"Yeah, it started raining and you got soaked."

"It was like I blacked out or something."

"You blacked out? Are you sure you're okay? Maybe you should see a doctor."

"I don't think I so much blacked out as…."

"As what?" she asked leaning in with a worried look in her eyes.

"Casey, I think I was struck by lightning."

"Lightning?"

"I don't know how else to explain it. I was walking along feeling fine, then boom. I lost fifteen minutes."

"Did you pass out?"

"I don't think so. When I came to I was just standing on the courthouse steps in the rain and it was fifteen minutes later."

"You should get checked out. What if something is wrong? And if it was lightening, you would have burns or something, wouldn't you?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm just going crazy. I mean I have been going for a while, maybe I am finally there," he said rubbing his face.

"Maybe it is something stress related. I mean with work and everything else that's going on….."

"Well, I haven't been sleeping much lately."

"I really do think you should see someone though. Just in case."

"Maybe I will," he agreed as he exhaled and picked up his beer. "But tonight is about you winning this case."

"I didn't think we were going to pull it off," she confessed as she took another sip of her beer.

"It should have been an open and shut case. He was the only suspect and all of the evidence pointed to him."

"Still, that judge looked a little weary when I brought the baby up. I was afraid he was going to have the pregnancy stricken from the record."

"It should have been brought up. Me murdered that baby, too."

"You know that and I know that. But it is like splitting hairs. New York state law says that baby is not a living human being until it draws breath. I he was going to throw it out. That would have killed my murder case and the most I could have gotten for the pregnancy was unlawful termination of a pregnancy."

"He beat her. He beat her all of the time. The man kills his girlfriend because she was trying to leave him to protect their child. He should burn in Hell."

"He should. Unfortunately, I have no say in that. So rotting away for fifteen years in a cell with Bubba and Bruno will just have to serve as justice for now."

"Fifteen? I thought he got twenty two?"

"With good behavior they'll shave a few years off. It's the best we could do, El. But we did it. And now because of the work we did in court today the murders of that woman and her baby will not go completely without justice."

"I guess you're right. I just think he got off way too easy."

"They never fully get what they deserve. Not in life anyway. Sometimes I like to think that it will all catch up to them on judgment day. Sometimes, that is the only thing that keeps me going. Especially when someone does something like this and we know without a doubt they are guilty, yet somehow they are still acquitted. "

Elliot exhaled trying to find some peace in the situation. Sadly, she was right and in many cases this was the closest they would ever get to justice.

"It just gets so frustrating sometimes," Elliot said finishing his beer.

"I know what you need," she said flagging the bartender to their table.

Four shots and two beers later, Elliot sat rubbing the back of his head. He'd Casey had almost managed to clear the court case from his mind, but the other events of the day still puzzled him.

"Are you okay? You look like Hell," she said returning from the ladies room and taking the seat beside him.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about that episode I had earlier."

"Episode. Right. You mean when you were struck by lightning?"

"You don't believe me?"

"I would just think there would be more evidence. People who millions of volts of electricity travel through their bodies usually have burn marks, blisters or the pungent aroma of burnt flesh," she said sounding just a bit tipsy and trying not to laugh. "I'll bet that's hard to get out of your clothes," she mumbled.

Elliot stared at her as he wrinkled his brow.

"Or worse," she added.

"Worse?"

"They don't make it through at all. El, I am not saying I don't believe you, just that it is highly unlikely. Besides, when was the last time you heard of someone being struck by lightning in the middle of New York City?"

"I guess I haven't," he said scratching the back of his head.

"And you're sure it wasn't some type of seizure or something?"

"I don't have seizures."

"Are you diabetic?"

"No," he said beginning to get a little annoyed.

"Maybe you just aren't getting enough sleep. I know how you get when we're in the middle of a big case. You don't sleep, you don't eat….and when you do it is junk. You sometimes go days running on caffeine alone."

"I do not."

"You do! Elliot I have known you for years and I know you well enough to know that when a big case, a case like this one comes along you tend to…."

"Tend to what?"

"Well, you sort of zone out on everything else in your life. Like that case is all you see for days, weeks or even months if that is what it takes. And there is nothing wrong with that, it is part of what makes you such a great cop. But you have to take care of yourself. Your body can only run so long on crappy coffee and those energy drinks. Eventually it shuts down. Between that and stress at home…. Maybe you just need to get some sleep."

"Maybe," he agreed.

"I'm gonna get us another drink."

"Thanks, Case. I think I'm gonna turn in," Elliot said tossing some money on the table in front of them. "That should cover a few rounds. Congrats on the win."

"Hey thanks," she replied patting him on the back. "It was your win, too. Are you sure you don't want to have one more beer?"

"No. I have had way too much already."

"Alright. Well you get some sleep, okay?"

"Yeah."

Elliot stepped out onto the sidewalk and flagged a cab. Back at home he stumbled up the front steps and staggered into the house. He kicked off his shoes and dropped his keys on the small table by the door. Elliot made his way through the dark to the bedroom falling across the bed and passing out cold.

The light through the window was blinding and his head was pounding when he finally opened his eyes. Elliot groaned as he sat up on the edge of the bed and smoothed his fingers over his face. He made his way to the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet and popped a handful of aspirin into his mouth.

"Shit," he grumbled dropping his clothes into the floor and stepping into the shower.

After twenty minutes under the hot water hadn't helped, Elliot walked back into the bedroom. Still half asleep, he rubbed his eyes and stared at the alarm clock.

"Barely six," he groaned. "On a Saturday. Screw it," he said falling back into bed naked.


	3. 3 A Whole New World

_What Might Have Been_

_(Chapter Three: A Whole New World)_

_**Two Hours Later….**_

Elliot held his pillow over his head and groaned loudly. Peace and quiet had recently become a thing of the past when a his new neighbors moved in next door with their infant son. Normally he could just turn up the television and ignore the sounds of the crying baby, but now with this hang over and his head throbbing that was not an option.

"Will somebody keep that kid quiet, please?" he mumbled into his pillow as he made a growling sound and flopped over on his stomach.

"It's your turn," A woman's voice said softly as she sighed.

Elliot laid there for a moment waiting for the cries to stop. Suddenly his eyes opened as he stared at the mattress.

"Go," the voice said again as someone kicked him in the leg. "It's Saturday and the weekends are yours. That was the deal. I get up with the baby on the weekdays and on the weekends it's your turn and so I can sleep in."

"My turn?" he asked aloud still not completely sure what was going on.

"Your turn," she repeated.

Elliot took a deep breath and groaned into his pillow biting it as he tossed it across the room and into the floor. He turned his head to the left to see long locks of dark hair fanned out across the bed beside him.

"What the….?" he tipped his head and blinked his eyes.

There was definitely a woman sleeping in his bed and that woman definitely wasn't Kathy. He studied the pile of blankets for a moment, but couldn't see her face. He rubbed his eyes again and climbed from the bed. Elliot walked into the bathroom and stared into the mirror for a moment.

"What the Hell did you do last night, man?" he asked gazing into his own bloodshot eyes.

He opened the medicine cabinet and began brushing his teeth. He turned stepping back into the bedroom to get a better look at the strange woman in his bed, but no one was there.

"I've got to be losing my damn mind!" he said as he spit a mouthful of toothpaste into the sink and closed the cabinet door.

Elliot stretched and stood in front of the toilet and began to relieve himself.

"One day a week I ask you to get up and let me sleep in," she said entering the bathroom behind him.

"Whoa, hey! I am trying to take a piss here!" he said stumbling backward and scrambling to cover himself with the shower curtain.

"Don't worry, I have seen it before," she said tossing a pair of boxers at him.

Elliot hopped around trying not to fall over as he pulled up his boxer shorts.

"Look, I gotta be honest with you. I don't exactly remember every thing that went down last night. Infact there seems to be a lot I don't seem to remember lately."

"Let me fill you in," she said shifting a baby on her hip. "You went out again after work last night. Which is fine. But then you stayed out until well after four, drinking with your buddies while I was up all night with her. So, now it's your turn," she said handing him the baby.

"Oh, wait," Elliot said holding the child out from his body as he followed her out of the room, "what do you want me to do with her?" he asked.

"You can start by changing her diaper," she replied as the baby girl began to cry once more. "Then make her a bottle."

"A diaper and a bottle?" he asked staring at the child still not sure this was really happening. "Cause it's my turn?"

"Yes. Besides, you know she likes when you do it."

"Oh God help me," me mumbled under his breath as the baby stared at him and cried, "I swear I do not have any idea how this happened."

The little girl looked up at him with pleading eyes and began to cry even harder.

"Okay, okay," he said bouncing her gently as he walked down the hall in the direction her mother had gone. "So where might I find the diapers?" he called out to the woman.

"In the nursery," she replied obviously growing very annoyed that the child was still crying.

"Well of course," Elliot said softly looking at the baby. "And where might the nursery be?" he asked her.

Just then he walked past what had once been his office. Elliot stepped backward to peer into the room.

"What the…..pink? This must be your room," he said in his most soothing voice as he carried her across the room and laid her on the changing table.

"Hey, I found the diapers and these wipe things. I can do this," he said staring into her little blue eyes as she began to fuss again.

"Oh no, don't do that," he said frantically looking around the room for something to sooth her crying.

"Look, here are some keys," he said picking up a toy from the baby's crib, "and they are pink. You like pink. Or someone likes pink," he said shrugging his shoulders as the little girl grunted and reached up to take the keys from his hand.

"You know, you are actually kind of cute when you're not crying."

The baby cooed and kicked, waving her little hands around as she put the keys into her mouth.

"Now let's see if I can figure this diaper thing out. This can't be too hard. I have a college degree and a 4.0 GPA surely I can figure out how Pampers work. First of all, this is wet," he said unsnapping her little sleeper and tossing it aside. "Clothes, clothes. Clothes," he said scanning the room.

He opened the closet door to see dozens of little pink hangers with little dresses on them.

"Little people clothes," he said with a nod and a smile of accomplishment. "Wow, kid. You have more clothes than I do."

Elliot sorted through the little outfits.

"What about this?" he asked holding up a pink ruffled dress. "I think it's you. You like pink."

Elliot struggled for a bit to hold the little girl down as he dressed her. She squirmed and kicked and wiggled and moved and tried to roll over, but finally he got it.

"There. I will have to say pink is definitely your color," he said as the baby girl cooed and giggled. "Now for the diaper."

He calmly unfastened the diaper, secretly praying it was only wet and dropped it into the pale beside the changing table.

"Thank you for that one," he said as she kicked and cooed again.

Elliot opened up the dry diaper and studied it for a moment.

"No funny business," he said smiling at her as he washed her with a few of the wipes.

"Here goes nothing," he said raising up the baby's butt and sliding the diaper under her.

"Is that good?" he asked as she stared up at him and blinked. "Powder….do you want some powder?" he asked picking it up and sprinkling it onto her skin.

She kicked and cooed as he struggled to fasten the diaper.

"The tape goes in the back," the woman said from behind him, "the little animals in the front."

Elliot looked up at her as he picked up the baby and she turned the diaper around.

"Thanks," he said with a smile.

"Thank you," she replied. "I don't expect you to be here every night or every morning. I know that isn't possible because of your work. All I'm asking is that you help out more when you are here," she said picking up her daughter and kissing her tenderly. "You're her father. She needs you," she said as she stared at him with the prettiest brown eyes he'd ever seen.

"I'm her father?" Elliot mumbled as she carried the baby out of the room and into the kitchen.

Elliot smiled.

"I'm her father," he repeated. "I have a daughter," he said as he smiled uncontrollably. "And she's adorable."

"Can you take her while I get a bottle ready?" the woman asked handing the baby off to Elliot.

"I can do that," he said holding her close as he spoke softly to the little girl.

"I'm your daddy," he said still a bit unsure of how this all happened, but it just didn't seem to matter anymore. This beautiful little girl, was his little girl.

Elliot sat down with her and she cooed and smiled up at him.

"Here," the woman said handing him the baby's bottle. "I wont be gone long," she said pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

"Gone? You are leaving her here?"

Elliot watched as she blinked her big brown eyes.

"Alone, with me?"

"Yes. I am trusting her to the care of her father for forty five minutes to an hour while I go running. Just like I do every Saturday. Why are you being so weird today? I realize you are hung over, Elliot, but you have responsibilities. To her and to me and to our family," she said as she kissed the baby and walked out the front door.

"Wow, this has been a really crazy day for daddy," he said as the little girl drank from her bottle and stared up at him. "And to make things worse, I don't know your name or mommy's," he said standing with his daughter to do a little investigating.

Elliot looked around the loving room at the pictures on the wall. Whoever this beautiful woman was, they looked happy together. There were pictures from vacations and pictures of her pregnant and they were both smiling in every one.

"How could I be so happy and not even remember my life?" he said as he noticed a photo album on a book shelf across the room.

"Jack pot," he said picking it up and returning to the chair with the baby.

"Do you want to look at some pictures with daddy?"

He sat down and sat the little girl up on his lap as he opened the book. She put her little hands on the pages as Elliot looked through the photographs.

"Here we go," he said looking at the pictures from their wedding. "Elliot and Olivia," he said with a smile as he read the caption beneath the photograph. "We look so in love."

As he turned the pages a few years seemed to have passed. There were vacations and good times with friends, his friends.

"How can I remember them and not you guys?" he asked as he turned the page once more.

There in front of him was a picture of his beautiful wife with a big smile on her face and she was holding a pregnancy test. On the next page was a picture of Elliot kissing her baby belly.

"That's you," he said with a smile as he kissed the top of her head.

"Harper Grace," he said with as a smile spread across his face and he looked at the pictures of their newborn baby girl. "That's a pretty name," he said as he picked her up and looked her over once more.

"You are seven months old," he said closing the book and leaning back in the recliner with his daughter. "Do you wanna watch some TV with daddy? I'll bet there are some cartoons on," he said she turned her little head to look at him.

"I have an idea," he said as he stood and kissed Harper once more. "What do you say we make some breakfast for mommy? Do you think that's a good idea?"

Harper watched closely as he opened the refrigerator door and looked inside.

"Cooking is one thing I do remember how to do," he assured her as he set a carton of eggs on the counter.

Elliot buckled the baby into her high chair. He opened the cabinet to find a few baby friendly foods.

"Sweet potato puffs," he read off the label and smelled them.

"Wow, hopefully they taste better than they smell," he said laying one of the cereal like puffs out on the tray of the high chair.

He watched his daughter closely as she picked it up with her tiny little fingers and placed it in her mouth.

"Don't you choke on that," he instructed watching her chew it with her two teeth.

"Okay, you supervise," he said tossing a handful of the puffs onto the tray in front of her while he went to work on breakfast.

When Olivia arrived home, the table was set with food and flowers.

"Did you do all of this?" she asked with a beautiful smile.

"She helped," he said looking over at the smiling baby in her chair.

"Did you help daddy make breakfast?" she cooed leaning down to kiss their baby girl and comb her fingers through her thin dark curls.

"Well, she supervised. And ate some of those smelly puffy things."

Olivia laughed as Elliot pulled out a chair for her.

"Thank you," she replied sitting down and leaning over to give Harper a bite of scrambled eggs.

"She can eat people food?" he asked as Olivia rolled her eyes at him.

"She is human, Elliot."

"I meant big people food."

"She can eat soft foods in little bites, but you really have to keep an eye on her."

"She is the cutest thing," Elliot said watching Harper get all excited over a bite of egg.

"She loves eggs."

"Look, Liv, I am really sorry about the way I acted this morning."

She raised her eyes to gaze into his.

"I don't know if I just drank too much or….. none of that matters now. I know that I need to help out more around here and I am going to, I promise."

Elliot watched as she pressed her lips together and just stared at him.

"What?" he asked.

Olivia smiled and shifted her attention to their daughter.

"It's nothing."

"No, what is it?"

She tipped her head and batted her beautiful brown eyes at him as she smiled.

"You called me Liv."

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"I like it," she said with a smile as she stood to clear the table. "But Elliot, you haven't called me that since we were in college."

"I'll get the dishes," he insisted watching as she picked Harper up and wiped off her little face.

"Give daddy a kiss, sweetheart," she said raising the baby up to him. "I'm gonna clean her up and see if I can't get her down for her nap. She was up all night with that nasty fever."

"Is she sick?" Elliot asked suddenly knowing how it felt to be a worried father.

"No, she's just cutting another tooth."

Elliot kissed Harper and handed her back to Olivia. He watched as his beautiful wife turned to walk down the hall with his beautiful daughter.

"You know," she said stepping back into the room, "she'll be out in about fifteen minutes. I was thinking about trying to get in a nap while she's asleep. You could join me."

Elliot smiled, trying not to be embarrassed. Olivia smiled back at him and disappeared into the other room.

"I don't know if this is real," he whispered to himself, "but if it's a dream I don't ever want to wake up."

After he'd finished the dishes he made his way down the hall to check on the baby.

"I have got to be the luckiest man in the world," he said to himself as he brushed his finger over Harper's little cheek and twisted one of her brunette locks in his fingertips.

He made his way to the bedroom where Olivia laid nearly asleep across their bed.

"Lay down with me," she whispered as she smiled.

She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He walked back to his side of the bed and laid down beside her.

"Thank you," she whispered staring at him across her pillow and placing her hand on his chest.

"I was looking through the photo album with Harper this morning…."

Olivia smiled.

"Tell me how we met," he said softly as he placed his hand on top of hers.

"Don't you remember?" she laughed.

"I do. But I want to hear it from you."

Olivia smiled as she scooted in against him and laid her head on his chest.

"It was at Hudson," she began as she stared into him with her big brown eyes. "I was dating your best friend Richard. I had transferred in from NYU and didn't really know anyone. You had a big party and I didn't know anyone. Richard was so wrapped up in playing hose that he didn't seem to even notice me. I had a little too much to drink," she laughed. "I never really have been a big drinker….and I went out onto the roof for some air. But the door locked behind me and I couldn't get back in. You came out and I tried to catch you before the door closed…."

"We both got locked out?"

"Yeah," she said with a smile.

"We sat on that roof for hours with a bottle of red wine, just talking and talking."

"It was New Year's Eve," Elliot said suddenly somehow remembering remembering the event as if it had happened that morning.

She smiled again.

"And we shared our first kiss at midnight," Elliot continued.

Olivia giggled.

"You told me it was bad luck not to kiss someone at midnight. It was supposed to be innocent."

"It was incredible," he said gazing into her eyes once more.

"It was the most magical kiss I had ever experienced in my life."

"I'll bed Richard was pissed!"

Olivia laughed.

"He got over it eventually," she said pointing their wedding picture on the night stand beside the bed.

"He was the best man," Elliot said picking up the picture to get a closer look. "Is that Casey?"

"Yeah. Who would have thought that your ex-girlfriend would ever be the maid of honor at our wedding?"

"And now we have Harper…."

"We tried for two years. I wasn't sure it would ever happen, but you knew," she said as tears filled her eyes. "Then you made me pose for that stupid picture with the pregnancy test," she laughed as she wiped a tear away with the back of her hand.

Elliot laughed.

"And you knew all along it was a little girl. I came home one day and you had painted the entire nursery pink," she said biting her bottom lip as she smiled again. "Before we had even found out for sure."

"I was right, wasn't I?"

"Yes. And it's probably a good thing, or our son would have come home to two dozen dresses and a pink bedroom."

Elliot laughed and she giggled.

"You're my best friend, El. You always have been. I love you so much," she said as she brushed her nose gently against his.

Elliot stared into her eyes as she got lost in the cool blue of his, the same color blue of baby Harper's eyes. Then it happened. Elliot leaned forward just a bit and kissed her tenderly, passionately and intensely.

He cupped her cheek with his hand drawing her further into him as they continued the kiss. When Elliot finally opened his eyes he smiled to see that she'd closed hers as well.

"Liv," he whispered as her eyes fluttered open to look at him once more.

"Yes?"

"I love you too, darlin."

Olivia smiled her pretty smile and he kissed her tenderly once more.

"Still magic," she whispered as she snuggled in against him and closed her eyes.

Elliot smiled as he closed his arms around her.

"The luckiest man in the world," he mumbled as he yawned and drifted off to sleep himself.


	4. 4 Adapting

_What Might Have Been_

_(Chapter Four: Adapting)_

Elliot spent the next couple of days just getting to know his wife and baby daughter again. The more he was around Olivia, the more he seemed to remember about their past together. A past that simply didn't exist to him just days before, but somehow he was able to recall clear memories of now.

He spent each night with his wife curled up in his arms just watching her sleep. He tried hard not to fall asleep for fear that when he woke, this new beautiful life would no longer be a part of his reality. He'd lay there fighting sleep until he just couldn't fight any longer, then by the grace of God, wake up next to her once more.

Olivia groaned a bit as she rolled over to face the sunlight between the blinds. She opened her eyes and smiled at the sight that awaited her. There between she and Elliot in the bed laid little Harper sleeping like an angel.

"Good morning beautiful," Elliot said with a smile.

"Good morning," she replied raising up to kiss him. "What's this?" she asked smiling down at the baby between them.

"She wanted to sleep with mommy and daddy. I put her in bed with us after I got up with her this morning. She went right back to sleep. Well, after I changed her and gave her a bottle of course."

Olivia shook her head as she laughed.

"We agreed we weren't going to do this. She'll get used to it and it will be impossible to get her to sleep in her bed again. We went through this already when she was little."

"Is that such a bad thing? And she still is little. There will come a day when she doesn't want to be anywhere near us and she will think she is too old to hang out with mom and dad. I just think we should take advantage this time with her while we have it."

Olivia smiled as she sat up in the bed. She scooped Harper up in her arms and kissed her little forehead as she climbed from the bed.

"It is a bad thing if mommy and daddy ever want to spend a night _alone_ in bed. She's got you wrapped around her little finger," she said with a smile.

"Isn't that what having kids is all about?" he asked with a smile. "What fun is having kids if you can't spoil them. And I can't help it if I have a weakness for beautiful women."

Olivia smiled and laughed as Elliot kissed his sleeping child.

"We'd better get moving or we are both going to be late for work," she said carrying Harper from the room.

"This is the life," Elliot said stretching in the warmth of the sunshine before climbing from the bed.

He stumbled around the bedroom gathering his clothes for the day then headed to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and shaved, then started a hot shower and stepped in under the hot water.

"I made coffee," Olivia said from the other side of the shower curtain.

"Awesome," he replied. "Just don't flush the toilet," he reminded her.

Olivia laughed as she picked up her toothbrush.

"_You_ are the one who always forgets! And I am left standing there in freezing cold water with shampoo in my eyes."

"I said I was sorry," he said as the shower curtain opened behind him and she stepped in. "What are you….uh….?" Elliot stuttered for a moment as she brushed past him to stand under the water.

"You're naked," he mumbled staring as she leaned back and wet her hair.

"I've found you get cleaner when you shower without clothes on," Olivia replied applying shampoo to her hair.

Elliot was stunned. Until now he'd managed to hold her and kiss her and sleep beside her for three nights without the subject of sex even coming up. But now as he stood here naked beside her, the sex was the one thing about their past that he couldn't remember. And somewhere deep inside, he was dying to know how good it felt to make love to her.

"Can you get my back?" she asked handing him a sponge lathered in her body wash.

"Sure," Elliot said taking the sponge from her hand as she raised her hair up from her shoulders.

He smoothed the sponge over her shoulders and moved it in little circles around her back. Once she was soaped up, Elliot set the sponge aside and began to massage her shoulders.

Olivia roller her head around to one side as she closed her eyes moaning softly.

"That feels so amazing."

"Good," he said as he worked his way down her back.

Olivia moaned again, this time leaning forward and placing her hands against the wall to brace herself. She let her wet hair fall loose around her shoulders and quivered, sighing as he hit a tender spot. Elliot must have hit a tender spot, because a chill shot up her spine and goose bumps quickly covered her body.

Olivia laughed as she spun around to face him and opened her eyes to stare into his. Elliot just couldn't take it anymore, he had to kiss her. Leaning forward, he pressed his mouth to hers and kissed her passionately.

Olivia raised her arms to rest on either side of his neck as she deepened the kiss. He backed them under the water as the soap from their bodies began to wash down the drain between their feet. They kissed and touched and explored as things quickly began to heat up between them.

"El," she panted between kisses. "What about Harper?" she gasped.

"What about her?" Elliot asked backing her against the wall of the shower and kissing her again.

"I put her in her crib with a bottle."

"I'm sure she's asleep," he replied kissing her again.

"We can't do this in here," Olivia said pushing him back for a moment. "We can't hear her if she wakes up."

Elliot panted trying to catch his breath as he nodded in agreement.

"You are absolutely right," he said reaching down to shut the water off, never breaking eye contact with her.

Elliot reached out of the shower grabbing an oversized towel from the rack and wrapping it around her. Olivia smiled as he helped her from the shower. And as she stood there scrunching her toes in in the bathroom carpet, it happened.

Elliot leaned forward and kissed her again. They backed from the room and across the foot of the unmade bed. Olivia laughed as he lowered her against the sheets.

"We are soaking wet," she laughed between kisses.

"So," Elliot replied opening the towel as it fell against the bed behind her.

"We are getting water everywhere," she said with a smile.

Elliot brushed his thumb across her cheek and kissed her tenderly. Then Olivia watched as he picked up the towel and wrapped it around her long hair in an attempt to absorb some of the dripping water.

Olivia smiled.

"That's better," she said softly as she tossed the towel aside.

She laid back and placed her head against her pillow, then reached up and pulled him to her.

"Much better," she whispered as she raised up just a bit and kissed him once more.

They rolled around kissing and touching and exploring each other. Just as it was about to happen Olivia stopped him.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" she asked almost out of breath.

Elliot looked confused.

"Condom," she said reaching into the nightstand beside the bed and handing it to him.

"Right. Sorry, I guess I got a little distracted," he said taking it from her and disappearing under the blankets for a moment.

When he reappeared, Elliot cupped his hand against her cheek and kissed her again.

"I love you," he whispered.

Then they made love like it was the first time all over again.

Afterward, Olivia laid with her head against his chest as he twisted a strand of her dark damp hair in his fingertips.

"We are so incredible together," Elliot said as he kissed the top of her head.

"I've missed us," she said softly and he could feel the warmth of a tear as it hit his chest.

"So have I," Elliot said shifting so he could look into her eyes. "I love you more than anything in the world. You know that, don't you? You and Harper are my world. My life without you is miserable."

Olivia looked confused.

"Or it would be, I'd imagine," he corrected himself.

"It's just been a while, you know? We seemed to have kind of grown apart after I had the baby. With you working all of the time and me back to work now….. Then on the nights we are home together, she gets up three or four times a night. We are both just so tired when we are alone together we usually fall right to sleep."

"I'm sorry," he said shaking his head. "I didn't realize it had gotten this bad."

"Do you realize that is probably only about the fourth time we've made love since we brought Harper home from the hospital? And it isn't all your fault. It's me, too. I am exhausted….we both are. I just didn't realize how long it had been until I was just laying here thinking about it," she said looking at him with tears streaming down her face. "I just don't want to loose you."

"Never," Elliot replied pressing his forehead to hers and staring into her eyes. "Hey, we can fix this. And I'm not going anywhere," he said brushing away her tears with his thumb. "I am here with my wife and daughter….with you and Harper is where I belong. Honey, I am so sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't love you or I didn't want to be here with you anymore. That isn't the case at all. You are the only one I ever want to be with, for the rest of my life. Only you."

Olivia smiled and laughed a little as she wiped away another tear.

"I'm sorry. I lost it for a minute. I am a hormonal, emotional train wreck."

"No, you're not. You're just tired. You are overworked and under appreciated. And I am the worst culprit. I am your husband. I am supposed to be your partner in everything and I have been slacking on my responsibilities as a parent….and a husband and leaving it all for you to deal with. You have been working and taking care of the house and all of the bills and raising our child, pretty much by yourself for a while now."

"Those are my responsibilities."

"But they shouldn't be yours alone," he explained. "Harper has two parents. You're her mother and I'm her father. It's about time I start acting like it. A lot of things are about to change around here. I am going to start helping you out with the house work and with the baby. I can get up with her more at night."

"I know that's a little hard for you to do while I'm still breast feeding. She won't always take the formula."

"I got up with her this morning. I warmed her a bottle of the milk you pumped for her and it worked out just fine. It might take her a little while to adjust because she is used to mommy always being the one to comfort her when she wakes up in the middle of the night. But she will get used to it and she'll be just fine. And I was thinking we should take a vacation or something. The three of us as a family."

"El, I can't take off. I just started this job at the crisis center when I went back to work after having the baby."

Elliot was a little shocked, he'd just assumed she still worked for the NYPD. That was the way he'd remembered it anyway.

"How do you like the new job? I know we never talk about your day at work. I just come home and unload on you about mine."

"I love it. Turns out I make a pretty good rape crisis counselor. And I like still being able to be there for the victims. I get to help them heal. And still be home in time to make dinner and spend the evening with my husband and baby. Well, most of the time."

"I'll bet you are good at it. You were always so good with victims. It's the perfect job for you."

"And I thought you were crazy when you suggested it," she admitted. "But it isn't just rape victims. I talk to victims of assault and abuse. And children and teens. Just the other day I spoke to a girl whose controlling boyfriend threatened her if she broke up with him. She wanted to leave because of the way he treated her but was afraid of what would happen if she did. She didn't realize that was a type of abuse, too. She'd run away from home to be with the boyfriend and wasn't sure how to get away from him on her own."

"What did you tell her?"

"I convinced her to call her mother and talk to her. She said she'd left home because her parents didn't approve of the guy. But she regretted it and her parents were right. She called me back a few days later to let me know that she had moved back home and she and her parents were trying to patch things up. She thanked me for helping her to get away from him safely before he could really hurt her."

Elliot smiled.

"You may have found your calling."

"I'd like to think so. But I have not been there long enough to take a vacation. Besides that, I was just off for three months after I had Harper. I don't think we could afford to take anymore time off right now."

"It doesn't have to be a lot of time. Maybe just a long weekend or something. We can pack up her things and drive to Connecticut for a few days. You loved it the last time we went. We could even rent a boat and take her sailing."

Olivia laughed.

"She's a little young for sailing."

"Antique shopping?" Elliot suggested with a laugh. "I'm sure we'll think of something. Just get away from here for a few days. We just need a break. It will be good for us to spend a little time together as a family."

Olivia smiled.

"It does sound really nice to be able to spend three whole days with my husband and daughter. Not distractions or interruptions."

"We'll even turn off our cell phones," Elliot suggested.

"Really?"

"Cross my heart," he promised. "What do you think?"

"I think it sounds like you have yourself a deal,"

"Yea?" he asked.

"Yea," she replied softly.

"Yea?" Elliot asked again with a smile.

"Yea, yes," Olivia laughed as he pulled her closer to him and kissed her. "But for now we have got to get moving. We are going to be so late," she said as she climbed from the bed.

Elliot laid there for a moment and watched her dress.

"You have to get up," she laughed as she ran a brush through her hair. "I'm gonna get Harper ready and the diaper bag for the babysitter. Can you handle coffee duty? It's already made, just gotta pour it into the travel mugs I set out on the counter."

"I'm on it," he said stealing a kiss as she rushed out of the room.

Elliot held Harper and kissed her goodbye as Olivia put the last few bottles into the diaper bag.

"You be a good girl today," he cooed as she smiled at him. "Daddy will come get you as soon as I get home from work."

Olivia smiled and shook her head.

"What?"

"I always pick her up," she replied slipping the diaper bag strap over her shoulder and reaching for her daughter. "You are always late getting home."

"I'm gonna work on that, too."

He kissed Harper and handed her off to Olivia. He followed her out the door and started the car as she walked across the yard to the neighbor's house to drop the baby off.

"Everything okay?" he asked handing her a travel mug as she climbed into the car.

"Everything is fine."

"You don't look fine," he noted.

Olivia exhaled.

"It's still hard for me to leave her. She cries for me when I go. They have to carry her into the other room so I can slip out. I just feel so awful. I know she comes back in that room expecting me to be there, she must think that I'm just abandoning her."

Elliot reached over and massaged her shoulder with one hand.

"It's hard. But it is something you both have to get used to. She may cry for you now, but soon she will realize that every single day that mommy leaves her, she returns for her in the afternoon."

"Yea," Olivia agreed as she wiped away a tear. "I just hate for her to ever, even for a moment think that you and I aren't there for her. I don't want her to feel all alone."

"But she's happy to see you, right? In the afternoon when you pick her up to bring her home?"

"Yes," Olivia replied with a smile. "She smiles and giggles and coos. And I hold her and hug her and kiss her and it is the best feeling in the world.

"It will get easier," Elliot replied. "It has only been a couple of months. She will get used to the routine and realize that we will always come back for her. And that mommy and daddy love her more than anything else in the world and will always be here for her. She just has to learn."

"I guess you're right."

"Every baby and every parent goes through this. If you'd like I can start dropping her off for a while. If you think it would help."

"It will be ok. I will be okay and she will be okay. It's just hard, to hear her cry for me and not go and comfort her."

"You're a good mother."

"And you're a wonderful father."

Elliot smiled and kissed her tenderly.

"All we can do is give her our best. And I think she's a pretty lucky little girl."

"She is," Olivia agreed with a smile.

"I'm gonna try to wrap things up early enough to come home and have dinner with you and Harper tonight. If I'm not finished by the time you get off work, I'll just borrow a squad car for the night."

"Or…"

"Or?" he asked.

"Or I could ask Anna to keep Harper a little later. Then my husband and I could have dinner out tonight," she suggested.

"Like a date night?"

"Bad idea?"

"No. I think it is a great idea."

Olivia smiled as Elliot reached across the car and locked his fingers between his.

"You know, I don't even remember the last time we had a date night," she sighed tipping her head to smile at him adoringly.

"Then I'd say it is long overdue," Elliot replied leaning to kiss her tenderly.


	5. 5 Haunted

_**Author's Note: This update would have been posted sooner, but I somehow managed to lose the eighteen page update I had written. I used Microsoft Works Word Processor to type it (as always) and saved it to the flash drive as a wps document. It being 3 am when I finally finished the update I didn't think to save the chapter to my desktop as well and when I went to open it to post to the site the next day, all I have are eighteen pages of symbols. :`o( After a few tears and a small public melt down, I returned home where I sat down and attempted to recreate the update I had previously written. I am sure it is not as good as the first copy, but at this point it was the best that I could do. Another lesson learned the hard way. Technology has a mind of it's own! So here it is, hope you like it!**_

_**~ Detective Olivia Stabler ~**_

_What Might Have Been_

_(Chapter Five: Haunted)_

Elliot cleared his throat and straightened his tie as he climbed the stairs in front of the crisis center where Olivia worked. He stepped into the lobby where he stood for a moment watching through the large glass window. On the other side, Olivia sat talking to someone on the phone. He smiled as he stared at her and it became obvious to him that she was infact an angel sent from God, to help the victims whose lives she touched every day.

Soon he was greeted by one of his wife's coworkers who pressed the button to open the door allowing him entry to the back area where she worked. Elliot followed the woman down the hall where she stopped and tapped on the door frame to Olivia's office.

"Olivia," she whispered, "you have a visitor."

Liv scribbled notes on a legal pad on the desk in front of her as she ended the call. She tipped her head up and shifted her eyes to meet his as she smiled.

"What a great surprise," she said with a smile as she unplugged her headset and made her way around the desk to kiss him. "But aren't you still supposed to be at work?"

"Court wrapped up a little early and Fin said he'd cover so I could take my beautiful wife out to dinner for our date night. I thought if we went a little earlier we could get back home and still have a little time with Harper before her bed time."

"What have you got there?" she asked studying the gift bag he held in his hand.

"These are for you."

Olivia smiled as he pulled a vase full of white roses from behind his back.

"Elliot, they are beautiful," she almost squealed taking the vase from him and burying her nose into the center of the flowers. "White roses are my favorite."

"You didn't think I'd forgotten, did you?"

"No. You never forget the important things."

Elliot laughed a little thanking God she had no idea that just days before he couldn't even remember his wife and daughter.

"Oh, and this," he said handing her the bag.

He watched as she sat on the edge of the desk to pull a little black dress from the bag.

"It's my dress," she mumbled in a bit of confusion.

"My favorite dress," he corrected her.

"But El, I haven't lost all of the baby weight yet," she said as she looked at him with worry in her eyes. "I'm not even sure I can fit into this," she continued as she pulled a strappy black high heeled shoe from the bag as well.

"You look amazing! And you should go get changed or we will never make our reservations."

"Reservations? I don't get off work for another hour."

"I have that covered. I spoke to Karen."

"You talked to my boss?"

"Two hours ago on the phone. She said they are kind of slow tonight and she didn't see any reason you couldn't leave a bit early."

"Really? Okay."

"Run get dressed," he said reminding her they were in a hurry.

He watched as she grabbed a hair clip from the top drawer of her desk and headed down the hall toward the ladies room. Elliot walked around the office for a moment before taking a seat in the chair behind the desk. His eyes scanned over an antique looking silver frame on the corner of her desk that held a picture from their wedding. A smaller frame beside it had little blocks down one side with letters that spelled out the word _baby_, in it was a picture of little Harper who seemed to be staring up at him with her big blue eyes and looking so much like her mother.

Elliot leaned forward to more closely examine a digital picture frame that projected several different images of he and his wife and daughter. His favorite of which was one of Olivia holding Harper, that he suddenly somehow remembered himself taking. Olivia was smiling at the baby and holding her up and Harper had a big smile on her face as well.

"What do you think?" she said as she re-entered the room.

Elliot stared at her for a moment.

"What?" she asked smoothing her hands over the dress and inspecting it for problems. "It's too tight, isn't it?"

Elliot stared at her in awe as he shook his head, unable to speak.

"Something it missing," he finally managed to spit out as he slipped his hand into his suit pocket and handed her a small velvet jewelry box.

Olivia grinned and he watched her eyes light up in excitement as she opened the box and admired the diamond pendant and earrings inside.

"Do you like them?" he asked and before he could even get the sentence out she already had the necklace on.

"I love them," tossing the empty box on her desk as she slipped the second earring into her ear. "They are absolutely gorgeous."

"_You_ are absolutely gorgeous," he said slipping his fingers between hers and pulling her close for a kiss.

Olivia giggled a bit as she whispered in his ear.

"Thank you so much for all of this."

"There's more," he reminded her as he slipped his arm around her waist and lead her down the hall.

Olivia laughed, looking back as he held the car door open for her.

"They are still watching us," she pointed out as Elliot looked to the window to see a few of her coworkers.

"It seems I have a fan club."

"I think they're jealous."

"Jealous?"

"Yea," she said as he fastened his seatbelt. "Mist of the women I work with have the hots for you. And they all wish their guys were as sexy and sweet as my man."

"Well, I'm taken. My heart….and everything else, belongs to you," he said raising her hand to meet his lips.

"You're damn right it does," she growled playfully nipping at his earlobe before kissing his lips.

Elliot lead her to a table in the back of her favorite restaurant where a romantic dinner for two had been set with candles and wine. They ordered dinner and made small talk as they ate.

"I can't believe Karen let me leave early, knowing I took Monday off for our little get away."

"Well, it took a little convincing. But I talked her into it."

Olivia grinned.

"Used that Stabler charm on her, did you?" she joked and he laughed.

"Are you ready for this little trip?"

"Oh, I'm ready. I have everything packed already. All I have to do is throw a few bottles in the diaper bag and grab the baby."

Elliot smiled.

"What about you?"

"I am ready for some quality time alone with my girls. I've gotten so wrapped up in work that I have been neglecting my family. And I am putting a stop to that," he said taking a sip of wine as Olivia smiled sweetly.

Elliot reached his arm across the table and took her hand in his.

"I've been thinking….it has been way too long since we have had a date night and we should definitely do this more often."

"Oh, I agree."

"Maybe once a week. Fridays seem to work out the best, we can have our grown up time, then the three of us can cuddle up in bed together and sleep in the next morning. We get up early for church on Sundays and sometimes I get called in on a case and have to start the work week early."

"Ooh, El. Every Friday may be a little too much to ask. I am on call every other weekend. And I am not sure Anna could keep Harper later _every_ Friday night. There will probably be times that at least one of us has to work over as well."

"Well, we could do every other Friday night. On the weekends you are not on call."

"It's a date," Olivia replied with a smile.

"But I do want us to have dinner together at the house as a family at least once a week. I think it is important for Harper….and for us, to have that family bonding time. Now that she is getting a little bigger there are more solid foods she can actually eat. She can even help daddy cook."

"You are going to cook?"

"Baby, I will cook for you any time you'd like."

"Or we could cook together."

"Or order in, as long as we can sit down together as a family."

He watched as Olivia nodded in agreement. She picked up her fork and twisted it around in her pasta.

"Liv?"

"Yes?" she replied raising her eyes to look into his.

"Would you like to dance?"

She smiled a pretty smile and her eyes lit up as he offered her his hand.

"I would love to," she replied placing her hand in his as he lead her to the dance floor.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck and he rested his hands on her waist as he stared lovingly into her eyes. She smiled and stepped forward to nestle her head in against his chest and closed her eyes as he wrapped her in the safety of his strong arms and they swayed slowly to the music.

After a little while they returned to the table for dessert and a second glass of wine. And soon he was opening the car door for her once more so they could head back home and get their little girl.

Elliot parked the car and checked the mail as Olivia cut across the yard to the neighbor's house to pick Harper up from the babysitter. When she returned home, he sat down at the table with her as she fed their daughter a couple jars of baby food.

"It's your bath time young lady," Olivia said softly as she wiped the remainder of a jar of roasted chicken and sweet potatoes from her daughter's face. "You've got applesauce in your hair."

Elliot chuckled.

"They are pears," he said making a silly face to make Harper smile and coo at him.

"I stand corrected."

"Why don't I give her a bath and you can get cleaned up in our bathroom," he suggested pointing to a dab of pear residue on the front of her dress.

"Okay," she laughed realizing she had a bit of it on her cheek as well. "Did any of that actually make it into her mouth?"

Elliot laughed as he carried the baby down the hall and started some bath water. He laid her on the changing table and stripped her down to a diaper as she kicked and giggled at him.

"You just wanted daddy to do it, didn't you?"

Harper cooed and grinned at him as she giggled once more.

"Alright sweet pea," he said picking her up and tossing a clean sleeper and a new diaper onto the changing table before carrying her from the room.

Elliot held the little girl in his arms as he dropped her little ducky into the water and watched for the color to change making sure it wasn't too hot.

"There we go," he said tossing her wet diaper into the trash can and lowering her into the tub.

Harper giggled and splashed and squealed as she played in the water with her daddy. Elliot put a drop of her baby shampoo in his palm and worked it into her dark curls.

"There now," he said in a soothing voice as he gently rinsed away the shampoo from the baby's hair.

Harper didn't seem to like this part and began to fuss just a bit.

"It's okay," he whispered softly and Olivia smiled as she watched from the door way. "Look, it's a puppy dog puppet," he said picking up the baby's bath cloth. "At least I think it's a dog," he said studying it. "Actually it's kind of creepy."

Harper whined a little and threatened to cry.

"I mean cool," he corrected himself. "Hello, I am Mr. puppy," he said in a character voice and she stared at him a little uneasy. "Now that's creepy," Elliot said as she stared blankly at him. "Let's get you washed off and get out of the tub before the water get's cold," he said putting a bit of her bedtime baby soap on the cloth dog and using it to wash the baby.

"There we go," he replied splashing a little water on her to rinse away the soap and wrapping her in a towel.

Elliot carried Harper into the nursery and laid her down on the changing table. He dried her off with the towel and put a fresh diaper on her. Then he massaged baby lotion into her delicate skin. He smiled, watching her yawn and star up at him with sleepy little eyes as he snapped the little plastic snaps on her pink sleeper.

"There we go baby doll," he said softly as he picked her up and cradled her in his arms.

Elliot kissed his daughter and rocked her in his arms.

"Daddy's little princess."

"She loves it when you give her a bath."

Elliot smiled.

"I love playing with her in the water."

"You are such an amazing father," Olivia said smiling at him adoringly as she kissed the top Harper's little head.

"I hope so. I try to be. I want to be the best father and husband, you both deserve the best."

"We have it," she whispered kissing him tenderly as she slipped Harper from his arms. "She is wore out. She'll be out in no time. I'm going to nurse her and put her to bed."

Elliot watched as Olivia carried Harper across the room. She wound the mobile over the crib to start a soft lullaby, then sat down in the rocking chair to nurse the baby until she fell asleep.

"Why don't I go make us some popcorn? It's been a while since we had a movie night. You can pick out a DVD when you're done here and we can snuggle on the couch until we fall asleep."

Olivia smiled.

"That sounds nice," she agreed.

Elliot turned out the nursery light, leaving the soft glow of the night light and pulled the door shut behind him. He made his way down the hall and into their bedroom to take off his baby bath soaked suit and get into some dry clothes.

Twenty minutes later Olivia joined him in the living room wearing one of his old tee shirts and a pair of boxers.

Elliot smiled as he shook his head.

"I cannot believe how much better my clothes look when you wear them."

Olivia laughed and tossed a blanket onto the couch, then knelt in front of the television to pick out a movie for them to watch. He watched from the couch as she popped open a movie case and put the disc into the player.

Elliot tossed a handful of popcorn into his mouth and watched as she crawled across the floor before climbing onto the couch and settling in against him.

"Seriously," he said as he kissed her tenderly, "you make my underwear look good."

Olivia grinned and kissed him again.

"I don't know, you look pretty sexy in pajama pants," she replied and turned to kiss him as the opening credits began. "You are the best husband ever."

"I like to think so."

"Not many guys would curl up on the couch and watch a sappy love story with a girl. This has to be about the ten millionth time I have forced you to watch _Pearl Harbor _with me and still, you don't complain."

Elliot shrugged his shoulders.

"You hate this movie," she explained.

"But it's your favorite movie."

Olivia smiled and kissed him tenderly.

"It is. It is so sweet and romantic and sexy and sad."

Elliot smiled.

"Plus it gives me the perfect opportunity to try to get to first base," he joked.

"Keep playing your cards right and you could score a home run tonight," she informed him with the raise of an eye brow.

Half an hour into the movie they were wrapped up in a steamy make out session on the couch. And before long they had made love by the light of the television and fallen asleep in each other's arms.

The clock on the DVD player read 4:07 when the house phone rang startling them both awake.

"Who the hell calls at four o'clock in the morning?" Elliot growled raising up off the couch to look around the room.

"El, get the phone before it wakes the baby," Olivia said squinting to see in the dark.

Elliot stumbled across the room in the dark, cracking his knee on the coffee table on his way. And Olivia turned the TV back on for light as he picked up the phone.

"Hello?" he barked and she scratched her head and reached into the floor for her clothes.

Olivia tipped her head trying to understand what the person on the other end of the line was saying to him. Then gave up and fell back against the couch to go back to sleep.

"Babe, it's for you," Elliot said handing her the phone as Harper began to cry down the hall. "I've got her."

Elliot put a bottle in the microwave and headed down the hall. He pulled his daughter from the crib and changed her diaper. The he held her against his chest and rubbed her little back trying to calm her cries as he carried her down the hall and into the kitchen to get her bottle.

Elliot pulled the bottle from the microwave and swirled it around a bit to more evenly heat the milk as Harper reached for it.

"Here you go, honey."

Harper grunted and stared up at him as she held her bottle in her little hands.

"Who was that?" he asked as he walked back around the couch to sit beside his wife. "Liv, what's wrong?" he asked noticing the glisten of her tears in the glow of the television.

"That was the hospital. There was an incident with my mother," she said softly.

"Let me get changed and grab the diaper bag. We can be on our way in ten minutes," he said standing with his daughter in tow.

"She's dead," Olivia choked out.

Elliot paused for a moment and stared at her in disbelief.

"Dead? Baby, I am so sorry. What kind of accident?"

"Incident," she clarified tipping her head to look into his eyes. "She passed out in the back of a taxi after leaving some bar. The driver brought her in a while ago, she was unresponsive. The doctor said they worked on her for over an hour, but were un able to revive her."

"What the hell happened?"

"Accidental overdose, he said. They will know more after an autopsy when they get toe toxicology report back. But he said she was heavily intoxicated. And the cab driver had to help her into the car because she collapsed on the street. He said they could smell the alcohol on her skin when they brought her in."

"Olivia, sweetheart, I am so sorry."

She stared blankly ahead for a few moments just feeling numb inside.

"Let me get her back to bed and we can talk," he said standing with Harper asleep in his arms once more and kissing the top of Olivia's head as he walked past her.

Elliot returned a few moments later and sat down on the couch. He pulled her into his arms and just held her for a few minutes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he whispered.

"I don't really know how to feel," she admitted laying her head against his chest.

"You are still in shock, honey. Sometimes it takes a little while for these kind of things to sink in."

"I guess you're right. But most daughters would be falling apart if they just received a phone call saying their mother was dead."

"Maybe, but everyone grieves in different ways. And most mothers and daughters share a relationship very different from the one you had with your mother."

"We weren't exactly normal, El. But I did love her."

"I know you did, baby," he said kissing her cheek.

"I just feel….I feel…."

Elliot waited for her to be able to put her emotions into words.

"Relieved."

"Relieved?"

Olivia nodded slowly.

"And I feel so guilty for feeling relieved. What kind of horrible person feels relieved after their mother dies?" she sobbed.

"Honey, I don't think that means you are happy she is dead. And it doesn't make you a horrible person. Death brings around so many mixed emotions. Sometimes things you have kept bottled up for years or even forgot about all come rushing back at the same time. It is hard to know how you really feel, because emotions are so crazy in your head and in your heart."

"I know it sounds awful, El. But I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. Don't get me wrong. I miss her already and it is killing me that she is gone now."

"I think that is probably the fact that you have had to be responsible for your mother since you were a kid. Because of her drug and alcohol abuse, you pretty much had to be the parent and in many ways she was the child. And that has always hung over you like a dark shadow haunting a house. You could never escape it. I think maybe that release of responsibility, has lifted an emotional weight from you. And you feel that relief, not because you are glad she is dead, but because you no longer have the pressure caring for her hovering over you any more."

"But the part that makes me feel the most guilty is the fact that she is gone now and she never knew Harper. Because of me, my daughter will never get the chance to meet her grandmother. And my mom will never hold her granddaughter in her arms and she will never get to see her only grandchild. She never had a relationship with Harper and she never will now, because I forbid her to be around the baby. What have I done to our daughter?"

"You protected her."

Olivia looked at him with tears streaming down both sides of her face.

"You had a damn good reason to keep her away from Harper. Your mother was strung out all the time on God knows what and drunk every moment of the day. And you never forbid her, Olivia. You simply laid down some rules to protect our family. You didn't want her around the baby while she was high or drunk. All she had to do was sober up for one day and she would have been more than welcome to come over here and spend time with Harper. She knew that. It was her choice. So don't beat yourself up because she chose crack and bourbon over a relationship with her daughter and granddaughter. You gave her the opportunity to change things. But she made the decision for herself."

"She needed help, El. She had a problem."

"I can count at least half a dozen times that you have paid to get her into a good rehab program and she either walked out or didn't show up at all. And that is just since we have been together. Honey, jail time and court appointed rehab didn't help her. No one could help her until she was ready to help herself."

"I guess you're right," she sighed softly wiping away her tears with the back of her hand.

They sat quietly for a few moments as he hugged her tight in his arms.

"I love you baby," he reminded her.

"I love you, too. And I would be so lost without you," she confessed. "It looks like we will have to cancel our little vacation. I need to contact a funeral home tomorrow to make the arrangements."

"We will just post pone the trip. We don't have to cancel it. I know how badly we all need this family time. Especially after all of this is said and done. You need a break sweetheart, and so do I. It will be nice to have some time to just get away and rest up together."

"I guess so. I don't even care where we go anymore. Just a weekend alone in a hotel room with the two of you would be fine for me. I just want to curl up in bed with my husband and our baby daughter and shut the rest of the world out for a few days. I think that is what I need."

"And that is exactly what you will get, baby. I promise," he said kissing her tenderly. "I can keep Harper tomorrow so that you can go and get things taken care of."

"Okay," she agreed.

"Or….I can see if Anna can watch her for a couple of hours and I can be there with you for support," he said squeezing her shoulder. "Whatever you need, baby, I am here for you."

Olivia turned and smiled at him through tears.

"It would really mean a lot if you would go with me. I know no one really wants to hang around some smelly old funeral home in their spare time, but I know that eventually this is probably all going to hit me at once. And when it does…."

"I will be sitting right there beside you to help you through it," he replied wiping away a tear from her cheek as he kissed her tenderly. "It has been a really long night. And tomorrow is going to be even longer. We should get you into bed," he said taking her hand and leading her down the hall toward their room. "And if you need anything at all, honey, just let me know."

"Thanks, El," she whispered as he pulled the blankets up and wrapped his arms around her.


	6. 6 A Rock & A Hard Place

_What Might Have Been_

_(Chapter Six: A Rock & A Hard Place)_

Elliot slipped a little black shoe onto his daughter's little foot as she smiled up at him. He sat her up and tied the bow on the back of her little dress as she laughed and pointed her little finger at him.

"Da," she said with a smile.

Elliot smiled as he kissed the baby girl and curled her up in his arms.

"That's right, kiddo. I'm your da. Listen, mommy is having a really hard time right now and these next few days are gonna be pretty tough on her. So you and I, we've gotta take really good care of her and show her how much we love her. Okay?" he whispered kissing the baby lovingly.

"Da," Harper whispered in agreement.

"You are so stinkin cute," Elliot said sitting her in the middle of the bed and handing her a pink pacifier to occupy her while he slipped his jacket on.

"El, we are running late and the car is here. I still have to get the baby ready to go," Olivia replied walking into the bedroom and spotting her daughter sitting fully dressed in the middle of the bed.

Harper reached out for her mother, "maaa," she cooed.

"Hi baby girl," Olivia cooed scooping the little girl up in her arms. "Daddy got you dressed, didn't he?"

"Yes, he did," Elliot replied straightening his tie as he turned around.

"Thank you so much," Olivia said softly fighting off tears.

Elliot wrapped his arms tight around his wife and baby, then kissed Olivia tenderly.

"You are not alone in this," he said as she stared into her eyes. "I know things are all crazy and all of these responsibilities are falling on your shoulders. It's a lot for you to handle. But I am here. To help you in any way that I can. We are here," he said twisting one of Harper's dark pig tails in his fingers, "we are your family and we love you more than anything else in the world. I know that you have a lot to focus on these next few days with the visitation and funeral arrangements, and I know how overwhelming that must be on you. I am here, for anything that you need."

Olivia smiled through tear filled eyes.

"And I've got her," he added. "So don't worry about a thing, mommy. Because Harper and daddy love you very much and we are here to help you."

"You're amazing," she whispered as he kissed her forehead.

"And you are the strongest person I have ever met in my life," he whispered in response.

"We're going to be late," she said drawing a deep breath and wiping the tears from her cheek.

"Take a few minutes for yourself," he said kissing her tenderly. "I'm going to get the diaper bag and move the car seat. Let them wait."

Olivia smiled and laughed a little.

"I am serious. I am sure that everyone understands that this is a really hard time right now. Besides, you can always blame it on me."

She smiled again.

"Come here, princess," he said opening his arms to Harper as she leaned for him. "You can help daddy get your stuff together."

Olivia forced a smile and Elliot leaned in to kiss her once more before leaving the room.

He carried Harper around with him as he packed the diaper bag with bibs, bottles, diapers and baby food. Then he lowered her into her playpen in the living room as he carried her car seat out to the limousine the funeral home had sent for them and buckled it into the back seat.

"We're ready," Olivia said, holding the baby as he re-entered the house.

Elliot grabbed a few of Harper's quiet toys to keep her occupied during the long day ahead of them and stuffed them into a bag, then they were out the door.

There were still several details that had to be taken care of before the visitation that evening, so they arrived hours early. Elliot found a place in the corner of the room to play with his daughter to keep her entertained.

Olivia carried a bag that contained the dress she had chosen for her mother to wear and handed it off to the funeral director as they arrived. She spoke to the man for a few minutes, then Elliot followed them as he led her down a hallway in the back of the building. Olivia sat down in an office as the woman behind the desk handed her even more forms she had to sign.

"I thought the insurance would have handled more of this," Elliot said to the woman as she handed his wife a pen.

"Ms. Benson didn't have any life insurance that we knew of. Are we missing something?" she asked turning her attention to Olivia.

"No. There was no life insurance," Olivia whispered half ashamed. "I want to put everything on this credit card, if that's alright?" she asked laying the card on the desk in front of the woman.

"Of course. Please excuse me for a moment," the woman replied with a smile then stood and left the room to run the card.

"I thought you took care of all of this yesterday with the life insurance policy you purchased for her years ago."

"So did I," she replied looking to him with tears in her eyes. "The man just old me when we came in that there was a problem. They attempted to get payment from the insurance company yesterday, but according to the company records there no longer is any insurance money and they needed another form of payment. It seems she cashed out her life insurance. There is nothing left. Elliot, I am sorry."

"Don't worry about it, baby," he said with a soft kiss. "But here," he said handing her a card from his wallet. "This one has a lower interest rate. We will get it all taken care of."

"I can call the florist and cancel the flowers. That would take about six hundred dollars off the bill."

"Don't do that. It's gonna be a nice service," he replied tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear. "Everything will work out," he whispered.

"Okay," she whispered.

"Ma'am." Elliot called to the woman in the other room. "We would actually like to put all charges on this card."

Olivia exhaled and folded her arms in front of her, this day could not end soon enough and it was just getting started. A few hours later everything was ready to go. The funeral director opened the large doors to the parlor room where Serena Benson had been laid out for family and friends to say their goodbyes. He stood in the back of the room and waited as Olivia stepped inside to make sure everything was exactly the way she wanted it before the actual visitation began.

She opened the guest sign in book and signed her, Elliot and Harper's names on the first line. She took a deep breath and laid the pen on the book as a tear drop fell onto the page.

"Keep it together, Olivia. This is not the time," she mumbled under her breath.

Wiping her face with her fingertip, she moved toward the front of the room. The florist had come and set up floral arrangements and potted plants from many family and friends. She scanned her eyes over the names on the cards making a mental note of who she needed to send out thank you cards to. A large mixed floral sympathy arrangement had been delivered from her co-workers at the crisis center and the guys from Elliot's department had sent a beautiful peace lily.

She brushed her fingertip over the ribbon on the large wreath of pink and purple rose buds that she herself had ordered. Gold letters spelling out the word 'MOTHER' seemed to burn into her mind. In the same place on the opposite side of the casket stood a heart shaped wreath in matching flowers, its ribbon containing the word 'GRANDMOTHER.' Matching two matching sprays of flowers sat on each side of the casket and down in front a 'Mosaic of Memories' square arrangement that held Serena's photograph was displayed.

"Your guests will be arriving any moment, ma'am. But we can close off the parlor doors and make any changes you see fit. We will start every one off with tea and coffee and serve refreshments, then they can proceeded in here."

"No, everything is beautiful. You guys have done a wonderful job. Thank you so much."

"You requested a closed casket. If you like, I can give you a few minutes alone with her before we close it."

"That would be nice, thank you."

She watched as the man made his way to the back of the room. In the lobby, some of their friends had begun to arrive. Elliot handed Harper off to Casey and joined his wife in the parlor to say their goodbyes to his mother in law.

"The flowers are nice," he said sliding the door shut behind him as he made his way to her side.

"They did a really great job."

He took a seat on a front row pew beside Olivia.

"I cut her off," Olivia said softly.

Elliot turned his head to look at her.

"Several months ago, that credit card that went missing from my purse…she stole it. I never told you that," she whispered. "The police picked her up trying to use it, because I had reported it missing. I didn't press charges on her."

"She's your mother."

"I knew then she needed help. She was drinking again and had managed to rack up a large amount of gambling debt. She was in trouble. And I was so angry at her. When we had met for lunch a few weeks before, she talked about how much she wanted to meet her granddaughter. And I told her then that the only way was if she got clean. No drugs, no drinking and I wanted her to complete rehab."

Olivia laughed as tears streamed down her face.

"She promised me she would. And during that same lunch, she stole the card right out of my purse."

"She had a problem, Liv. Many problems."

"She lied to me. She used me. She played me and the fact that I wanted so badly for her to be a part of Harper's life to get close to me so she could steal from me. I would have given her anything. All she had to do was ask. So when the police arrested her I was so furious, I let her sit in jail all night. I didn't drop the charges until the next morning. When I confronted her about the card, she told me that she was in trouble and needed money to pay off the gambling debt. I could still smell the alcohol on her from the night before. I was furious with her. I told her that I wasn't giving her any more money and that I never wanted to see her again. She broke down crying and kept saying she was sorry. She said that she really did want to clean herself up and be a part of Harper's life, but that she was in trouble and she had to take care of that first. I forbid her to see her only grandchild, I told her I never wanted her around my daughter and I never wanted to see her again."

She was quiet for a moment and Elliot squeezed her hand gently in his.

"Those people probably would have killed her, Elliot. And I didn't care. That must have been when she cashed out the life insurance policy. She found a way to do it without my signature."

"Or had someone forge it," he added. "Honey, you did what you thought was right. And you can't punish yourself for that now."

"They gave me a bag of her belongings. The things they found on her when she died. In her purse was a picture from our wedding and the picture of Harper from the hospital when she was born. The one with her name and weight printed on it. That is the only picture she ever saw of her. I found this folded up in the back of her wallet," she said softly pulling what appeared to be a newspaper clipping from her pocket.

Elliot took the paper and carefully unfolded it. He could not help but smile when he read what it said.

"It is Harper's birth announcement from the paper."

"She carried it with her all of this time."

Olivia exhaled and watched as Elliot pulled his wallet from his pocket. He opened it and pulled out the plastic insert that held all of the photographs he had of his family. Their wedding photo, pictures taken of them when Olivia was big pregnant with the baby and several different pictures of little Harper.

"El, what are you doing?"

"Giving her, her family. I will get copies for my wallet. This way she has something to take with her."

Olivia held tight to his hand as they approached the casket. He could feel her tremble just a bit as she reached forward and laid a single white rose inside.

"I'm sorry, momma," she whispered softly as her tears began to fall once more. "I love you."

Elliot gently rubbed her shoulders and kissed the back of her neck. Olivia turned around and hugged him tight burying her face in his chest. Closing her eyes tight for a moment she drew in a deep breath finding security in the scent of his cologne. He held her tight in his arms and she watched as he reached out and placed the photographs gently into the casket beside his mother in law.

"You can close it now," Olivia said softly raising her eyes to look at the funeral director as he entered from across the room.

They watched as he closed the casket, locking it up tight. Then he carried in a large casket spray arrangement of flowers that matched the others that Olivia had ordered.

"The flowers are beautiful," Elliot whispered kissing her hand. "She liked pink and purple roses?"

"I don't really know," Olivia answered softly. "I chose them because they reminded me of the roses she sent to me in the hospital when the baby was born."

Elliot smiled.

"You did good, babe. Everything is really pretty. She would have been pleased."

"Do you think so?" she asked softly resting her head against his chest as guests began to fill the room.

"Baby, not matter what differences were between you, you were still her daughter and she loved you very much. And she was so proud of you"

"I just wish a lot of things had been different, you know?"

"I know, honey."

Elliot kissed the side of her head. They greeted their friends as they approached the casket to express their condolences.

"A daa," Harper said bouncing on Casey's hip and pointing to her father.

Elliot smiled and reached for his baby girl.

"Was she alright for you?" he asked Casey.

"She's an angel. Such a little doll. She just wanted her da," she said with a smile.

"She's daddy's girl," he said kissing Harper's forehead.

After the visitation, Elliot and Olivia climbed into the back of the limousine and everyone followed the hearse to the cemetery for the grave side service. That evening, close friends gathered at the Stabler household for a small reception with wine.

Olivia put up a brave front and seemed to have a smile most of the night. She was a wonderful hostess making sure there was plenty of finger foods to go around and everyone's glass was filled.

She was quiet, Elliot thought to himself as he watched her smile politely and nod in response to their friends. She didn't seem to have much to say, she probably had too much on her mind.

Around eight o'clock Harper began to get fussy.

"I'll take her, babe," Olivia said softly reaching for their daughter. "It's been a long day and she didn't get a nap. I am sure she is worn out."

"You sure?" Elliot asked. "I can put her to bed if you want."

"I should nurse her. It will help her get to sleep easier."

"Okay," Elliot whispered kissing his wife tenderly and then kissing his daughter.

"Good night baby girl. Daddy loves you."

"Da," Harper whispered placing her little finger against his mouth.

Elliot smiled and kissed the baby once more.

"You be good for mommy."

"It shouldn't take long," Olivia assured him as she looked around at their guests.

Elliot made another round with a bottle of wine and listened as they all made chit chat and talked about the old days. After a while he looked down at his watch to realize it had been over forty minutes since Olivia had gone to put Harper to bed.

"I'm gonna go see if she needs help with the baby," he whispered leaning in toward Casey and handing her the half empty bottle. "Can you…"

"I'll make sure things don't get too crazy," she assured him.

Elliot stepped inside and made his way down the hall.

"Babe?" he said softly as he pushed open the nursery door, but the crib was empty and Harper's night light wasn't turned on.

He pulled the door shut and walked down the hall toward their bedroom. The room was lit only by the light of the television and Harper laid on the bed next to her mother in a little pink sleeper. The little girl raised her head just a little and smiled as she saw her daddy enter the room.

"You are supposed to be asleep, squirt," Elliot whispered with a smile as she offered him her pacifier.

"She's taking care of mommy," Olivia whispered and he could tell she was crying.

"Baby," Elliot said softly kneeling beside the bed to comfort his wife.

It had happened. All of the heart and the sorrow she had been holding off all day had finally broken through the wall she had put up to contain it.

"I'm sorry," she gasped between sobs. "I meant to come back out. I just can't."

"That's alright," he whispered. "It has been a long and very hard day," he whispered as she drew a staggered breath. "Maybe it is time to call it a night," he said softly leaning forward to kiss her softly.

He sat there for a moment just being with her whale she broke down. Elliot raised his head turning his attention to the hallway as Casey stepped into the doorway. He didn't say anything, just shook his head at her.

"I'll take care of everything," she said softly and pulled their bedroom door shut behind her to allow them some privacy.

Elliot stepped out of his shoes and slipped Olivia's off as well. He pulled the blankets up around Olivia, then made his way around the bed and crawled into his side.

He laid Harper down on a pillow between them and put her pacifier back into her mouth. Then he reached up and places one hand on the side of Olivia's face as he stared at her in the dark.

"I love you so much," he whispered softly. "Everything that matters to me is right here in this bed."

Olivia couldn't help but smile through her tears.

"I love you, too. You're my rock, Elliot. And I don't know what I would do without you."

"You never have to find out," he replied kissing her tenderly. "I am right here, baby. For you and for her and I always will be. I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia took a deep breath as tears spilled from her dark eyes.

"Promise?"

"Oh baby, I promise," he replied pressing his forehead to hers and kissing her once more.

Elliot laid Harper across his chest and Olivia slid in against him as he closed his arm around her tight. In moments, the baby was sound asleep and they were nearly there as well.

"I love you, angel," Elliot whispered kissing the top of Olivia's head.

"I love you too, El," she whispered as she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep in his arms.

The next morning came all too soon for Elliot. The sun was glaring in his face as his cell phone went off beside the bed. He quickly tried to grab it before it woke the baby.

"Hello," he said with a harsh whisper as he moved into the bathroom and pulled the door closed behind him.

"Elliot," Casey said from the other end of the line, "you are up in court this morning, where the heck are you?"

"Shi…I forgot. I thought the Parsons case was next week. I'm on my way."

"You take the stand in an hour. Our entire case is riding on your testimony. How could you forget?"

"Just….a lot going on, Case…"

"And why are you whispering?"

"I'm trying not to wake Liv and the baby."

"Who?"

"Harper and Olivia are still asleep," he said a little louder. "It's been a long night. I'll meet you in front of the court house in forty five minutes, okay?"

"Yea, fine. But Elliot…."

"Yea?"

"Who is Olivia?"

Elliot scratched his head and stared at the phone for a moment. He pushed the bathroom door open to look at the empty bed.

"No," he gasped moving down the hall to Harper's nursery. "God, please," he replied opening the door to find his neatly organized office. "No."


End file.
