Lost Solace

**Title:** Solace  
**Author:** Cassandra Mulder  
**Rated:** PG-13  
**Classification: **Lost; angst; Jack/Kate  
**Spoilers: **Up to "All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues"  
**Feedback:** Is my life. ;)  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Am greatly dismayed. JJ Abrams, Bad Robot, ABC - the usual suspects. It belongs to them.  
**Summary:** He wants to bring her hope again. Jack/Kate  
**For:** Liz, who asked for J/K pregnancy fic on her wishlist, but that just wasn't working out. So I hope you like this instead, Liz. :)  
**Distribution:** My site, Bound, various lj communites, and Save Me. Anyone else, please ask.  
**Author's Notes: **Nothing past "All the Best Cowboys..." matters here, so let's all just pretend to forget about Kate, 'kay? Okay.

* * *

The night was still, and the group around the campfire was uncharacteristically quiet. Only the faintest of breezes blew through the tall trees, reaching their supposed haven by the caves. 

The same haven that had housed the man they had thought was one of them, but had turned out to be an apparent raving psychopath.

They had verified everyone else's identity. Every name that Hurley had taken down matched the manifest, so it was unlikely they'd be fooled again. Still, they only had names. That gave them little to no clue about exactly _who_ was living among them.

Jack stared into the fire, exhausted from searching the jungle all day, but knowing he'd never sleep while Claire was still out there suffering God only knew what at the hands of God only knew who.

Kate and Michael had coaxed Charlie over to his palette on the other side of the fire, where he lay now apparently asleep. Unfortunately, Jack didn't expect it to last long. Not if nightmares ate at Charlie's subconscious like they did his.

Every time Jack closed his eyes, he saw Charlie hanging lifeless from that tree. He relived every moment he didn't think he was going to be able to save him. The fact that he had... He wasn't sure it had been all him, but he still wasn't sure that he believed in miracles. Not even after all he'd seen.

After all, it should've been a miracle they were all alive; that they'd managed to survive even this long. But he couldn't help thinking that maybe there was something terrible - even more terrible than the things they'd already encountered - awaiting them, and none of this was a miracle at all. Maybe their initial survival had only been a delay on the path to the inevitable.

Whether invisible monsters, deranged castaways, or polar bears were their fate, it would all end the same. He didn't know how to be their savior anymore.

Jack felt a warm hand on his shoulder and looked up as Kate lowered herself to the ground beside him. They just looked at each other, because neither of them knew what else to say. Everyone was worried about Claire, who was out there, and who could be taken next. They had no idea how many others were out there and what they were capable of. It was one thing to be afraid of unseen "monsters", but when the threat was another human being, it was somehow worse.

"How is he?" Jack finally asked, glancing at Charlie.

"He seems to be sleeping for now, but..." she trailed off slowly.

"I'd have given him a mild sedative, but I didn't think it was a good idea with possible respiratory problems. Once he recovers from the shock, and heals up some he might need it though."

Kate nodded. "I might too," she said with a sigh.

Awkwardly, he placed a hand on her forearm. She didn't pull away, and they both relaxed slightly.

"Unfortunately, the rest of us are going to have to stay alert for the time being," he said, his grim tone making her turn to look at him.

His hazel eyes were more troubled than she'd ever seen them, and she knew he was torturing himself over not having recovered Claire. He tortured himself over everything, but nothing more than not being able to save someone. She didn't see him as having a savior complex, he just cared so much that every loss was taken as a personal defeat. Kate didn't know if it was the doctor in him or just the good soul she felt that he was, but he had the kind of compassion that must've made him a very successful surgeon back in the real world. She just couldn't see how he handled the losing battles he must have fought every day.

Kate fancied herself strong, but even she couldn't see going through what she'd gone through that afternoon on a regular basis. She'd fallen apart even as Jack pressed on, desperately willing Charlie to live.

Her eyes welled up again as the stress of the day finally got to her, and she quickly excused herself, hoping no one had seen. Her arm was oddly cold where Jack's hand had rested, and she'd never felt so alone in her life.

She walked over to the springs, hoping the gentle sound of the falling water would calm her fragile nerves. This was far enough from the others, but close enough that she still felt safe. At least, as safe as she ever would in this godforsaken jungle. Kneeling by the shallow pool, she gathered cool water in her hands, and splashed her face with it. The tears kept coming.

She heard footsteps and Jack's voice before she saw him. She didn't know if he was identifying himself so as to not startle her, or to give her time to compose herself. All she did know is the latter was hardly accomplished. As she stood, she dried her face on her shirttail, and tried to look normal. But her tears were not obeying her mind's desperate plea for them to leave.

No sooner had her name passed his lips than she crumbled again, and all she wanted to do was run away. But even in her emotional state, logic took over and told her that would hardly be the brightest idea she'd ever had.

Without hesitation, Jack closed the space between them and took her in his arms. Kate buried her face in his strong chest, and resisting the temptation of falling apart at his feet never even crossed her mind. Her sobs were lost in the shirt that she was soaking with her torrent of tears, as she was wrapped in the safety and warmth of his arms. Patient as ever, Jack held her, stroking her hair, trying to soothe her, but knowing it was better that she was just getting it all out.

Kate was one of the few that had yet to have a total breakdown, and he'd often wondered how much pressure she could take before she snapped like the rest of them. It wasn't going to make anyone think she was weak, but still she had lasted longer than some of the others. Including himself.

This afternoon didn't necessarily count. Anyone with a heart would've broken under those conditions. He knew Kate had a heart, she just had a hard time revealing it on a regular basis. She may have been the most guarded person he'd ever met, besides himself. That was only one of the reasons he wondered what her story was and why she wouldn't tell it.

Slowly she calmed, but she didn't back away or let go of his shirt front, which was clutched tightly in her right hand. This was where she really wanted to be, though she'd never admit it to him, to anyone. He had been the one constant in all of this insanity, and despite... everything, she always found herself wondering what it would be like to be this close to him.

Now that she knew, there was no going back. She would either stand in the circle of his arms until he forced her to let go, or until her logic returned from the vacation it had suddenly gone on.

Jack never let go, but he did turn them so that they were hidden by the nearest cave wall. If someone came this way and turned that corner, they would be found. But he didn't care. Right now, he just wanted to look at this beautiful woman in the moonlight, and try to find a way to restore at least a fragile hope. If she fell apart, the rest of them didn't have a prayer.

Gently, he untangled her hands from his shirt, and held them briefly, before returning them to her sides. Then he lifted her chin so he could look at her tearstained face. He cupped both of her cheeks with his hands, and wiped away the stray tears with his thumbs. Her eyes fluttered shut, as she let him continue his exploration.

He hadn't planned on kissing her, but the temptation of her upturned lips proved to be too much. He touched his lips to hers lightly at first, seeing if she'd resist or turn away. She did neither, so he increased the pressure ever so slightly.

The kiss was slow, and as he deepened it, he heard her moan low in her throat. That subtle, vibrating noise drove him crazy, but he didn't want to seem too urgent. He pulled back so they could both breathe, and even as he wondered how this had gotten so out of control, he trailed kisses along her jaw and down her neck, causing her to throw her head back and arch against him. One of her hands was on his back, the other on the back of his head as she encouraged his actions.

Kate was no longer thinking. Thinking had screwed her up one too many times, and she just wanted to feel. The heat, the desire coursing through her system, Jack's lips on her skin - that's all she wanted to think about. When his lips found hers again, she wrapped both arms around his neck and kissed him back like she'd never kissed anyone before. The desperation to feel him, to feel this _alive_, overtook everything else as he ran his hands underneath her shirt, and she gasped at the contact.

Jack wanted more of her, so much more. But this was really neither the time nor the place. If they'd been somewhere more private, he would never have had a second thought about taking her on the spot. But here they could be easily heard or seen by the others, and that was one more problem they didn't need to add to the growing pile.

With great disappointment, he slid his hands out from under her shirt, and smoothed it back down along her sides. His kisses gradually slowed, though the intensity they both still felt had them on the verge of trembling. He reluctantly broke the contact, and rested his forehead against hers.

She relaxed against the stone wall, and just let him hold her, but her own disappointment was unmistakable.

"We can't," he said, still trying to slow his breathing.

"I know."

"I want to."

"I know... Me too," she said with a sigh.

Jack pulled her closer, gathering her in his arms, and she slid her arms around his back, burying her face in his shoulder.

"We're going to find her," he murmured.

"I hope so."

"We have to."

Kate pulled back a little to look into his face. "I know," she said, and her eyes told him she understood. There was no guarantee Claire would be found... alive. Or found at all. But she didn't need to vocalize that now. They both knew, but it wouldn't stop them from trying.

He dipped his head and kissed her again. He didn't want to leave her, but he needed to get back to the campfire before he was missed. Maybe he already was, but it was hard for him to care while he was touching Kate.

Finally, he had to let her go, and she looked at him sadly. She knew they'd never work because of who she was, even if he didn't. But she had hoped for a few brief moments where they could forget where they were, who they were. She wanted him, if only for a little while. If that was all she got, it would be worth it.

But their current circumstances were too daunting, even for that. So she let him take her by the hand and lead her back to the fire, where she looked at Charlie, sleeping fitfully, and tried not to start crying again.

Jack squeezed her hand as they took their places, and she regained her composure. Maybe there was still hope. For Charlie, for Claire, for herself.

Maybe even for them. All she could do was cling to that, and remember to thank him sometime for giving it back to her.

Finis


End file.
