Lost Only in Dreams

Disclaimer: "LOST" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and (c) by J.J. Abrams, Damon Lindelof, Bad Robot, ABC and Touchstone Television. All Rights Reserved. No trademark infringement is intended.

A/N: Special thanks go to Mari4815 for re-sparking my interests in Shoone & for the great scene with the leg kicking. I adore your Boone!

**Ch. 1: I'm Wide Awake and it's Morning**

_Our revels now are ended. These our actors,  
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and  
Are melted into air, into thin air:  
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,  
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,  
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,  
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,  
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,  
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff  
As dreams are made on; and our little life  
Is rounded with a sleep._

_William Shakespeare's "The Tempest" (4.1.138-48)_

The thing about death is that it isn't standing before god and witnessing all your dirty sins, nor is it a fluffy white castle of clouds. Death is cold, dark and not a reunion of everything and everyone you lost. Death is being completely and utterly lost. Crap Hole island was not lost, but isolation at its most grim and macabre.

The loss of Boone had affected Shannon more than she let others see. She heard saw him clearly in her dreams. He was alive and they were both safe back in LA. He was yelling at her not to leave her bikini on the bed while she was watching him in awe. He was alive and being typical Boone nagging at every little thing. Whenever Shannon felt weak she always wanted to tell him he took life too seriously. He hadn't always been this way and it was with new found shame that she realized that the cause of Boone's transformation had been (albeit unknowingly) Shannon herself. Without Boone the axis of Shannon's very existence became obliterated: Now she was only a specter of who she was. There was no Shannon Rutherford, trust fund baby, but just some blond girl truly orphaned. Awakening, Shannon had found herself very much alone again. It was a bitter familiar feeling.

_The only times Shannon had found herself somewhat happy was when she was swindling Boone for money. It wasn't so much needing money, because being beautiful and flawed led to creative manipulation of men. It was actually Shannon's first boyfriend (after her father died) who provided the experiment for Boone. She had him bankrupt in a year, but he never complained until she left him causing him to sob like an unattractive 27 year-old. There was always a boyfriend to whine to or about ever since she was 13._

_Boys (because you really couldn't call them men) gave Shannon what Adam Rutherford never had: love and attention. It wasn't that her father was heartless, but rather he could never look at Shannon and see Elizabeth Rutherford. Elizabeth Bancroft was chair of nearly every charitable board in San Francisco and came from a humble family in the city when she married business man Adam Rutherford. It wasn't until after they were married that her father made his fateful merger with his opposing company that gave him sort of a monopoly. Growing up, Shannon could always depend on daddy coming home at five and family dinner occasionally accompanied by Jenny Hughes her best friend next door. She had a happy childhood until she turned six when Elizabeth had died in a plane crash, a tragedy multiplied by the fact that her little brother she named Jack also died in his mother's womb. It was only supposed to be a quick trip to attend a college friend's surprise birthday party, but on the way home an engine failed sending four of their passengers to their death. _

_After her mother's death there was a vacuum inside the house. It swallowed all the words that Adam and Shannon spoke and left only stagnant swellings of pain and loss. At first there was Nana Bancroft, but she was hardly coherent enough to care for a child often leaving Shannon to care for her. Finally, Adam decided that living in the bay was detrimental to the business or (as Shannon preferred) fleeing the memories of his wife he relocated the family to smelly, loud and overly-tanned LA (or more commonly known as Los Assholes). Adam continued on drowning his sorrow in work leaving Shannon to just deal with her own loss. It wasn't until her teacher suggested counseling that he let her go to a child therapist. Doctor Perkins was nice enough, but always tried to allude to physical abuse until Shannon decided to tell her father that she no longer needed the deaf ear of a therapist._

_Finally, when she turned eight Shannon found Dolores, the housekeeper, setting the table for dinner instead of placing the usual Barbie dinnerware on the marble island. This was the moment that she dreamt of for so long, but unfortunately it was only ruined by an overly made up tanned blond and her gangly son. The boy looked as depressed as she felt if not more. Sabrina Carlyle was very much your quintessential LA business woman with the power suit, quiet child and killer heels to match her ambitious attitude. She asked many questions about school and if Shannon had any boyfriends yet, as if she had any attraction to boys (eww cooties). Whenever he wasn't staring at Sabrina, Adam was chatting up Boone (really what kind of mother names her child Boone) the same boring questions Shannon had been asked. It was the first of many odd family dinners Shannon would have the misfortune to endure. The only time Shannon was spoken to by her father was a reproach about swinging her legs under the table (a nervous habit that she often saw her mother display) resulting in hitting Boone in the shin (a fringe benefit, she decided). _

_During the course of the following month Shannon and Bonne were often carted around LA completing the picture of the perfect family. It was that same bitter feeling of foreboding when Adam and Sabrina announced to Shannon and Boone that they were going to wed in the next three months. Realizing that resistance was now futile, Shannon genuinely tried to like Sabrina, but all that changed when she decided to help Sabrina pick out the flower maid's dress: to put it mildly, Sabrina Carlyle became the bridezilla to end all bridezillas. Every suggestion Shannon made was met with a belittling refusal or a flat out laugh. Why invite someone to help choose dress swatches when you already knew what you wanted? Thus ended Shannon's olive branch, but the final straw came when she insisted that Shannon transfer from her all girls private school the Sacred Heart Girls Academy to Boone's coed swank private school the Hansford Preparatory, but the amenities were of lesser variety than SH so Shannon lucked out. Boarding school was fun, because she never saw the gruesome-twosome. Summer vacation provided visits back home to see Nana, Papa, and Jenny, while Boone visited his father in Seattle. The rare times they did see one another was usually right before school started or spring and Christmas break, but that was also the times that they visited friends who attended different schools so the sum of times they did see one another were fundraiser events or a few days during vacation. _

_The Radcliffe School was exactly what their parents had pictured except it failed to offer some of Boone's and Shannon's preferred extracurricular activities. When Shannon began at Radcliffe she enrolled in Ballet class on Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays with riding lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Boone began to take junior life guarding classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday as well as soccer on Tuesday and Thursday. Fred would first pick up Boone throughout the week since his lessons were done earlier and he would have to sit and wait for Shannon to end her lessons. The first week he brought his gameboy then the next he brought school books then he just watched. Tuesdays and Thursdays it was Shannon's duty to wait for Boone. She followed his example by bringing magazines, the walkman and eventually just watching sweaty rich boys kick around a ball. It was uncomfortable at first to have someone sitting watching you, but after a few weeks it became normal for him to hand her the water bottle and for her to hand him his. _

_The relationship between Shannon and Boone was never one of sibling love, but rather one of mutual affection and protection. They didn't hang out together at lunch, but if Shannon forgot her lunch Boone would offer his and if he forgot his money than she would share hers. It was an easy transition to friends. They never argued unless it was about Boone taking too long in the morning, because he was always grumpy in the mornings. Often when Shannon would eat breakfast she would set aside a few pieces of toast and a cup of orange juice for Boone in the car ride. They alternated driving, but Shannon was never comfortable driving after her first crash a month after receiving her license. _

_Puberty, however, changed everything. Shannon was the first to reach the romance department: Derek Smith was her fellow riding partner. He was tall, blond and had freckles. He was what Alice Kingston, Shannon's best friend from Radcliffe, called "boy perfection". The only complication in their relationship was that he was in Boone's class and at that age all he had on his mind was sex, which Shannon soon found annoying having to say no repeatedly. Boone's over protective brother act also provided extra stress in their relationship: once Boone's soccer practice was cancelled and he arrived just as Derek almost reached third base. It was an uncomfortable ride with the permanent image of Boone's shocked face and her struggling to cover up. The strain of having to keep her two closest males from attacking one another caused not only the break up of her relationship with Derek, but also the failure of her friendship with her step-brother. Boone's first girlfriend was Kelly Welch, the brunette sister of his former school mate Sampson. She was pretty, but that was basically it. She never understood Boone's wit or Shannon's sarcasm. They dated for a few months until she met Greg the cute gardener. _

_Following Derek came Ricky the jock for Shannon and Boone met Karen the Bible-Thumper. Vince the biker arouse out of a fad with bikers only to be replaced with Kevin the geek. Fabiola the flabby was truly the ugliest girl Boone ever dated. Chris the brain was also the boy Shannon lost her virginity to only to regret it later when he moved back to South Carolina. Boone's relationship with Gretchen the freak was experienced fully by Shannon who accidentally walked in on them along with their parents. Will the cheater had thankfully not reached "all the way" with Shannon (contrary to what he said) and to make things interesting Boone's girlfriend Becky not only hit on Shannon, but also on Nora Mackenzie, Shannon's ballet partner who had unwittingly spent the night on the wrong night._

_Shannon first became aware of Boone's more than brotherly love when he almost kissed her on the lips after a rowdy party. It was only a suspicion then, but became proven when he dated Karen a sophomore whose resemblance to Shannon was blatant. Summers began to be spent at home where Shannon could spend the most time with Chris for whom she donned the skimpiest clothing she could buy. Boone's father had traveled oversees for business leaving him home for the summer also where he and Gretchen made out at least once every half hour. She caught his eye more than once that summer when he was watching TV or Gretch was sitting in his lap whispering, when she was floating in Chris's arms in the pool, or as they were laughing about something Sabrina would say. Sometimes she would wear the overly priced denim mini that barely covered her butt, but made her legs look longer and if she knew one thing about Boone it was that he was a leg man. He began to dress in baby blue after she mentioned that it really brought out his eyes. Will bore a resemblance to Boone that startled Shannon more than any thing else. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife that summer, but by the time school started and parental supervision back normalcy returned. Shannon could never say that she wasn't attracted to Boone, both mentally and physically, but admitting it was another story. _

"Ms. Rutherford?" light flooded Shannon's dark space. It was all consuming and filled every empty space. "Ms. Rutherford can you hear my voice?" Shapes and blobs gave definition to the light causing her eyes to well. Where was she? Does God use last names? She'd get to see her parents again and Boone. She's get to apologize for all the shit she put him through… "Blink once if you can hear me" Somehow moving these small muscles proved difficult, but not going to heaven simply because she couldn't move some damn muscles was not an option. "Good. Now can you see how many fingers I'm holding up?" Colors had replaced the white and the shapes focused themselves. How was she to respond? It felt like her throat was filled with saw, but that same fierce determination filled her.

"T-two" She spat out proudly. As she gazed in wonder at the doctor, a balding man with a funny moustache. If this was heaven, than heaven was some sick joke. Was Loki really God? Where were her parents?

"Can you tell me your full name Ms. Rutherford?" Name? Sticks? Bitch? Tease?

"S-Shannon E-E-Elizabeth R-Rutherford" Where was Boone? Suddenly tears began to pour in torrents down her cheeks that felt very doughy. Her arms were all bruised and she had a cast on her right hand.

"Ms. Rutherford you were rescued from a plane crash just outside of Sydney. You've been in a coma for two weeks. You had a gash along your left thigh, but no nerve or tissue damage occurred and it'll heal quite soon. However, your right hand was completely damaged but should be healed within the next few months. Quite frankly, you are lucky to be alive."

The island? Boone? Sayid? None of it made any sense. What was going on? This was beyond creepy. It felt like she was about to vomit or pass out, either way it wasn't about to be pretty.

"Sir you cannot enter!"

"She's my sister!" That voice. She knew that voice. It was as if God smiled on her and everything was clear suddenly. Everything ever known to man made sense and all she wanted was to know he was okay and to hug him. She had cried so much over him in the past months…

"Boone? Boone? Oh God Boone!" She sobbed. She hoped he could hear her as she struggled to see beyond the tears that wouldn't stop flowing. She had no idea that the human body could posses that much amount of tears. She was so afraid and it was so dark for so long… the dark was beginning to seep into her very soul.

The door burst open with Boone dressed in a pair of jeans and a baggy sweatshirt he looked delirious. His hair was long and he had stubble growing on his chin. He was crying. He also had a burly nurse hanging off his left arm.

"Shannon?" he whispered so faintly almost as if he dared to believe it. She was afraid of the pain that all her sins had committed, but she needed to be near him. Loneliness had proven to destroy her. Here was the only man who ever truly understood her sobbing like a five year old and she was trembling like a leaf, but decided to give fate and life a second chance. She held out her hand. He was hugging her in a trice. "I thought I lost you…"

"I'm so sorry. I'll never hurt you again. I was so scared…"

"We'll come check on you in a few moments,"

They looked at each other in awe and shock. Shannon touched his chest timidly placing her hand over his heart feeling it reverberate against her palm as he touched hers. She wasn't sure who moved first, but at this point in time and this dream not over yet they closed the slight gap between themselves. It was as if all the pain of the past months had only been a few days, but she appreciated this sensation much more than she had in Sydney. She loved him as fully as she had as a teenager, only it was known and proven. He was her salvation, her redemption.

His lips tasted like oranges and toast and smelled of ivory soap. It reminded her of home. His stubble scratched her cheek. She wanted to live in this moment of happiness forever…

"This past week was hell Shan- I thought you were going to die the whole time. They only let me out a few weeks ago-" a lightning bolt of reality struck her at once. If he'd only been released…

"How long have I been here?" She could see the uncertainty in his face. He was never good at bluffing. He always set his jaw when he was lying. It was as if he was trying to prove that he could lie just as well as others.

She watched how he clasped her left hand as if praying, but she was hardly a God. A devil maybe, but how could he forgive her so easily? She betrayed him so much. He'd almost died all because of her selfishness. He was an angel.

"It's been almost a month," he murmured, hoping that if said quietly enough the words wouldn't reach her ears. She wasn't sure how to ask him this without sounding completely insane…

"Boone… when you were in your coma w-what did you dream about?" She watched as his face turned from a pale sheen to a cryptically sick tint of green. What would anyone say if they knew she thought the past months were lived on a deserted island with strange polar bears, crazy frizzy haired murders and kidnappers?

The image of the sandy knoll where Boone had been buried, the cross they made and the vacant look on his bloodied face. She shivered unconsciously… he was dead. She knew he was. She knew it from the first moment when she saw his …_body…_surrounded by the survivors. It was as real as her father and mother's open caskets. She kissed his lips that night, hoping, beyond all desperation that he wasn't gone and that she wasn't completely alone. His kiss was like a cold breeze in winter- harsh and a bitter reminder of the months to follow.

"I don't remember," It was as if the nail to her own casket had been buried. She was truly insane. Perhaps this was a common side effect to surviving death? Wait, no that was guilt. For a fleeting second she could swear that he was lying, but when had Boone ever lied to her? If there was one thing Shannon could count on from Boone it was his honesty to her. He could lie strait to his mother, but something in Shannon's face was like a lie detector that prevented him from even attempting to deny her his truths. This was one of the reasons why he was so stunned that she had discovered his love for her: he'd hide it for over 7 years why now?

She owed him nothing but honesty and appreciation. She loved him. She thought of no one else, but him once he had died… This was a feeling foreign to Shannon: All of her old boyfriends had been something for her to tease Boone. They were her weapons to use, manipulate, him. They provided her with the link to his weakness: the hero complex multiplied by his love for her. It was almost too easy to use him. Another bubble of shame added onto her old one of guilt. Ah, guilt, her friend since her mother's death. It seemed wrong for it not to have some permanent place upon her body. She once considered a tattooed G on her wrist, but then knowing the Radcliffe assholes they'd think she was in some gang or worse it was after an ex-boyfriend, ones Boone had defended her toward…

"Boone, look at me…" he slowly brought his face up to meet hers and she was startled by the intensity of his gaze. She'd seen this look on his face once before when they were making love. It made her cry then as it did now. "I love you"

Once it was said there was no way she could refuse it. It seemed as if the words were tattooed inside her heart. It was an odd happiness that refrained her feeling uncertain. She wouldn't lie to him nor herself. After the island/dream she felt that this second chance deserved utmost care. Proving her power to Sabrina through Boone no longer mattered, because Shannon ultimately only wanted Boone. She became sick when he acted noble and good, because for so long that was her position in the house.

_She was Adam's only link to his true love. When she turned 17 her father had an epiphany: For the winter ball that year she had decided to go vintage and pulled out an old dress of her mothers. It was an emerald silk sheath that had a long row of pearl buttons running down her back. She used to sing Mary Mack whenever her mother wore this dress. She even wore a pair of string pearls that night and satin pumps. Arriving back home her father ambushed her about wearing Elizabeth's clothes. She was not supposed to touch any of her mother's things. It was an ugly fight. Shannon's last remark was that she would take whatever was of her mothers that she pleased and that just because there was now a new Mrs. Rutherford didn't mean that she was replaced. She thought he may go into shock or kick her out, but he looked at her dumbstruck then began to cry…. _

"I-I need some time to digest everything that's happened," It felt as if she was about to have an asthma attack: everything was going black and it was hard to breath. The first time she'd admitted how she felt and this was the romantic result? Where was her "you had me at hello" or "love means never having to say you're sorry"? Ah, payback was indeed a bitch. She looked back into his brilliant blue eyes searching his face for lies, but this was truth: crystalline and pure. It was all the amount of harsh, cruel honesty she deserved. She could always tell when he was lying through his eyes: lies meant darker irises to hide truths.

She wanted him to smile and tell her he was joking (no matter how evil a joke) and that she should know he loved her. She thought she knew Boone , However, life changing events appeared to take time to look at and understand, to appreciate. She wanted to look at him with that same intensity his eyes had shone with and repeat those words. It was the only thing she could give. It was her sandstone promise: he'd smoothed her bitter side and now all that's left is another gentle stone awaiting a beachcomber.

"Then I'll wait, but I'm not going anywhere and neither are you," she whispered as they held each other. Wherever he was she was home and here in a hospital in Australia with a dozen needles attached to her she was home and so was he and this was only the beginning…


End file.
