Castle 1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own Castle, though I guess I own this story line...**

**A/N: **

**This is set around the middle of season 6 and it's my first fan fiction so cut me some slack**

**Just to warn you, although this doesn't have any M content this deals with fairly mature subject matter, but it's such a huge problem with our society and I think that increasing awareness is a crucial aspect of reducing this as a problem and this is something people from every age group should be aware of. I hate spoilers, so I'll leave it at that.**

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><p>It was late, but Beckett had a skip in her step as she walked down the street towards the restaurant where she knew Castle would be waiting for her. She was twisting her hair around her finger with a shy smile across her glowing face as she noticed the time on her father's watch. She picked up her pace and ducked down a side street. This would cut 5 minutes off the normally 20 minute walk she would take from the precinct to The Old Haunt where she was planning on meeting him.<p>

She could tell they were drunk from their loud bantering far before the cat calls and wolf whistles started. She rolled her eyes and stiffened her posture, knowing from experience the leering she was in for. She had no doubt she could take one or two of these idiots, but five made her nervous. She wanted to look good for him tonight, though. Her short dress was tight around a cushioned bra and her perfectly toned behind. Her plan: grace him with the news and fall into multiple rounds of celebratory love making. She bit her nail and swung her head down shyly at the thought. She knew he was going to be overjoyed with her decision. Her smile grew before,

"Hey baby, how much do you cost?" brought her back to the present. One of the five men approaching her asked her this. His eyes were glazed over but still dark with desire as he blatantly ogled her no-so-discreetly hidden bust.

'Yeah, I'm not interested" she nonchalantly replied. She was already regretting not throwing on something to cover herself up with until she got to The Old Haunt. The men were buff, their clothes torn and dirty from a long night partying. Kate noted the crusted blood that splattered one man's clothes as he held a bloody cloth out from his face, inspecting it for signs of continual bleeding. Deciding his nose had stopped leaking, he threw the cloth at one of his companions who laughed in disgust and returned the favour with a punch in the gut.

"Rickie, yous an asshole." nose guy grunted. Kate's ears pricked at the name 'Rickie', heart skipping a beat before realizing that it belonged to this rat of a man. She nervously laughed to herself and made a note to tease Castle about his namesake later.

"Is your name Miley Syrup *hic* Cyrus? Cuz you can wreck my balls", jeered another man whose attention was caught by Kate's deliciously long legs. He stumbled closer to her, face in hers so her nose was overwhelmed with the stench of alcohol and sweat. He looked down her dress and she nearly gagged as the other men laughed and threw out their own rounds of drunken pickup lines. Her heart started to pound and her breath quickened as she became alarmed to the sudden lack of traffic in the area. Kate went to stride past the group of men in an attempt at confidence. She unconsciously rubbed her thighs together to comfort herself with the knowledge that she had her gun and cuffs with her before quickly realizing she had left them at the precinct. These men were different from others who usually hit on her, she could tell now that nose guy and 'Rickie' were not nearly as drunk as they made out to be and it shook her up. The tattooed man and a short buff guy were inebriated beyond anything she had seen from a conscious person before. The last man in the group looked nearly sober, but it was the unquenchable hunger in his eyes that drew ice to her veins.

"Hey, I uzz talkin' a youu" the tattooed man stepped in front of her, blocking her path, before stumbling back and catching himself on the wall.

"NYPD detective, you might wanna watch your paws" Kate snapped as the short buff guy made a grab for her breast. Her breath quickened and hands shook as tattoo face and the buff guy began to fill her personal space, jostling her and stroking everything from her ass to her hair.

"Well you can cuff m…" he whispered in her ear before turning violently puking against the wall. Kate fought a shudder pulling her cell from her bra to call for help and to report this unrestrained show of public intoxication only to have tattoo face knock it from her trembling hand.

"Common lady, Stevie here uz jus tryin' a have little fun" he slurred bringing his face towards her for a sloppy kiss before she grabbed his arm and shoved him violently against the brick of the wall and growled,

"You do not want to get on the bad side of a highly regarded NYPD detective." The man in her grips struggled uncomfortably, too drunk to register the pain of her actions.

"Thas hot." was his reply. The other men laughed and grunted their approvals but she barely heard them for the deafening pound of blood in her ears. Her fingers tingled and her eyes became blurry at the edges as adrenalin rushed through her system. She needed to establish control over the situation. She saw Steve had finished spewing his guts and he barely reached out to touched her again before she had him eating cement, spine hard under the compression of her knee while tattoo face lay passed out after tripping and landing on his back when she released him. Kate was reaching for where her phone had fallen when she felt a sharp pain the the back of her skull and everything went black.

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><p><strong>AN: Thoughts?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This was tough to write, just a bit of a warning - this might be hard for you to read if you have some personal history with this kind of thing.**

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><p>Kate woke up gasping, the gag around her mouth making it difficult to breath. She felt her hands duct taped above her head and a mattress below her body. She pulled painfully against her arm restraints but found that they wouldn't budge. Kate froze as she sensed someone nearby. The cool blade of the knife running along her body barely registered through the deafening rip of her dress fabric.<p>

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><p>Rick sighed as he sat down at the back of The Old Haunt. His bum squished into the comfortable seat as he pulled out his phone. The screen was cool as he slid his thumb across opening the Minecraft app. He knew that Beckett could take a while, being the workaholic she was.<p>

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><p>Kate heard muffled screaming coming from her mouth before her face burned from a blow so hard blood filled her mouth accompanied by pieces of tooth. Her head pounded. Her heart raced. Her muscles clenched in fear.<p>

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><p>Rick called out to a bartender and was greeted with a smile and raised eyebrows as if to ask, "the usual?" Rick nodded. He smiled at the empty seat in front of him, his heart swelling at the thought that they would have forever together.<p>

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><p>Her mind told her body to fight, but the rough hands invading her caused her muscles to turn to stone. Her eyes were wide with panic and pleading as she found the eyes of her assailant. Tattoo Face had his unfocused eyes fixed on her nearly exposed chest the entire time he used her body. Half way through he reached over and ripped her bra off. He cared not for the bleeding marks the force of his actions left on her torso, simply rushing to get the job done. Her lungs were the only muscle cursed with movement. They constantly emptied themselves shrilly into the air, each sound bringing a new round of fists to her delicate skin.<p>

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><p>Rick had moved from Minecraft to Plants Vs. Zombies 2 and his whole body tensed with concentration as he defeated a wave of Pharaoh Zombies. He vaguely registered someone sitting across from him and muttered, "hey Beckett… Dammit!" As a zombie ate through his peashooter. He glanced up and did a double take as he was surprised with a weeping Alexis in front of him.<p>

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><p>It wasn't until Tattoo Face had passed out beside her that she gained the mental capacities to fight her binds.<p>

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><p>Castle locked his phone and placed it beside him, face down, before asking, "what's the matter pumpkin?"<p>

"Pi" was all she got out before she burst into another round of tears.

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><p>She had managed to sit up in bed and was working on the binding around her wrists when the door to the dark basement slammed open. Her heart grew heavy with despair as she recognized Steve, Rickie and Miley Man from the ally. Their eyes were hungry as they approached her like a lion would an injured gazelle.<p>

"Look at this whore," sneered Steve.

"The slut's tryin'a get away," Miley Man laughed drunkenly.

"Only if we say so, Max," Rickie jeered, coming closer and hovering beside her ear before whispering, "deep 'n' slow, tramp".

Kate brought her leg up between his legs with as much force as she could muster. Rickie yelped and collapsed on the ground, tears in his eyes as he grabbed his sensitive area.

"Oh, you'll pay for that," Steve threatened, stepping closer. She whipped another leg out slamming the heel of her foot into his shin which caught him off balance. Her other leg swung behind his and Steve landed flat on his back with a large thud. Max had grabbed a knife from his back pocket and was about to approached her when the door swung open and he froze.

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><p>Rick got up from his seat and moved to the other booth to sit beside his heartbroken daughter. His heart was heavy as she finished telling him about her break up. He wrapped his arm around her and gave her a loving kiss on the crown of her head. It was a nurturing sight, to see them together. It would have softened the heart of any criminal. Rick fought back any snide remarks about how he had predicted the breakup, and Alexis was grateful.<p>

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><p>She hadn't gotten a good look at this man before and now she was looking into his face, she had a deep sense of recognition. Her eyes pricked with tears of betrayal before scathing anger coursed through her veins. He grabbed the knife from Max's hand and started towards her. She lashed her legs, trying to get in any sort of blow before his nod brought Rickie and Steve to restrain them. Her hips bucked and torso twisted until the blade of the knife pressed sharply into her neck, droplets of blood making their way down her throat.<p>

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><p>Rick recognized the look on his daughter's face as one he had shared in his breakup with Gina. "I'm sorry," he murmured into Alexis' hair. "I should have warned you about this."<p>

"You tried dad," She sat back suddenly thoughtful, "this is something I needed in order to grow as a person. I mean, it's hard to see it now, but I will. I'll need to." A lump grow in the back of his throat as he proudly gazed at his grown up daughter.

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><p>Kate fought against these man harder than she had tattoo face, her recognition of Rigo convincing her that this wasn't just some horrible dream. He made small cuts across her body, causing her to scream in pain. He took her violently, pain ripping through her. The other men had the audacity to watch and laugh and jeer and encourage. Anger, no, hurt shone in his eyes as removed the gag and leaned down to kissed her, stuffing his tongue down her throat. She bit down until his blood filled her mouth and he pulled away yelling as she sputtered. All she could smell was his sour cologne.<p>

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><p>Putting his arm around her shoulder, Rick sighed and grabbed the glass of scotch that the bartender had placed before him.<p>

"Drink this," he said to her.

"Seriously?" she questioned, doubtfully raising her eyebrow. Rick laughed and nudged it towards her. She took a sip, "thank Dad." He looked into her eyes, and sensing that the thanks was heavier than one required for a drink and stated, "your welcome" with as much seriousness as he had conveyed in ages.

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><p>It was 5 minutes of sheer torture before she caved, the tears flowing down her face the only indication of consciousness as her body went limp. They used all of her, everywhere. Each passing second lasting longer and longer as the puddle of tears soaked the mattress by her head. She prayed for death.<p>

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><p>Rick sat with his daughter making small talk about his day and about wedding details, trying to distract her from her pain. His heart was broken with hers. However, the minutes began to pass more quickly as he began to see a glimpses of smiles on her face. She was going to be okay.<p>

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><p>The men slowly began to pass out around her, Steve crushing her chest as he rested his face upon it. Hours went by and her silent tears slowly became quiet weeping and the weeping violent sobbing as fear coursed through her veins. Tattoo Face stirred beside her throwing his arm over his eyes and groaning before quickly sitting up and taking in the scene in front of him. When he saw Kate his eyes widened in fear and horror.<p>

Kate's eyes flew open as she heard the scraping of the knife on the ground as Tattoo Face picked it up. Her whole body started violently shaking as he walked towards her whispering, "it's okay, shh. It's okay." He reached above her head and ripped open the restraints on her wrists. Grabbing a blanket from off of Rigo, he shoved Steve off of her and covered her. He reached down and gently picked up her shaking body. She grasped her hands together over her chest and turned her head away from him, not having the strength to fight anymore. He carried her to a door she didn't know was there and brought her up a flight of stairs. The dim light at the top of the staircase did little to illuminate her surroundings, but her eyes were clenched shut, awaiting the impending round of torture she was convinced she would face. "It's okay, shh. It's okay," was the only thing Tattoo Face said, but he murmured them over and over again. She heard a car door open, and felt herself being placed in the backseat.

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><p>Rick turned his phone over absentmindedly in his hand. Alexis and him had become entirely engrossed in a conversation that spanned goblins to Argentina. When he looked at his phone he was shocked to see that 5 hours had gone by. He and Alexis laughed before a panicked look filled his eyes and he breathed, "Where's Beckett?"<p>

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><p><strong>AN: Thoughts?**


	3. Chapter 3

"It's two o'clock in the morning Alexis, I was supposed to meet Beckett at nine! Where is she?" Rick explained frantically to a confused Alexis. He glanced around the room and saw that it had transitioned from dinner dates to young people flirting, dancing and sucking face.

"She probably just got caught up with paperwork and went home. You of all people know how hard she works," Alexis tried to reason.

Rick doubtfully nodded and picked up his phone to call her. Not a ten minute walk away Beckett's phone rang, abandoned by the side of the road. Rick's heart quickened when he heard it go to voice mail. He automatically assumed the worst, convincing himself that she had gotten called out on a case and had been shot.

He expressed these fears to Alexis who replied, "Ryan and Esposito would have called, Dad. She's fine!" She smirked at him, "Man, you've got it bad." Rick huffed but dialed Esposito anyways.

"This better be good, Castle," was his greeting.

"Sorry, man. Do you know where Beckett is?" Rick hastily asked.

"Naw, she was still at the precinct when I left at like eight. Why?" He replied sleepily.

"She was supposed to meet me here at The Old Haunt five hours ago, but she never showed," Rick explained.

"She's a big girl, Castle, she can handle herself. I gotta go," he groaned but hesitated before he hung up, "She's going to be fine, dude. You know how she is."

"Thanks..." Rick managed before the line went flat.

They hailed a taxi and Rick gave the address of the precinct as Alexis glanced at him, confused at first but then more concerned. His worried fed her own, though she tried to hide them for him. Rick called Beckett's phone again while they rode, but had no luck. When they arrived at the precinct, they were disappointed when Beckett wasn't there.

The stopped by her apartment next, though they both seriously doubted she would be there since she generally spent more time at the loft. They hopped out of the taxi and Rick searched his pocket for his key since the doorman had gone home for the evening. They made their way up the elevator to her apartment and slid inside.

"Dad, this is creepy! She could be sleeping," Alexis hissed.

"Well, she should have called, why would she have forgotten our date?" Was Rick's hasty reply.

Alexis waited uncomfortably by the front door while her father wandered around, softly calling Beckett's name. She looked around while she waited. The apartment was looking fairly sparse as Beckett's things slowly migrated into the Castles' apartment.

Rick's head hung as he slunk back towards her, "She's not here" he whispered. They were the only ones in the room, yet talking loudly would have seemed wrong. Alexis gave her dad a hug and leaned into his side as they made their way down to the street.

By the time they arrived at the loft, Rick had left countless messages for his fiance. They started concerned but became annoyed, fear shaking his voice. They checked the whole apartment together, room by room but came up empty. The two of them made their way to the living room and sat on the couch. Rick pulled out his phone to call Esposito again but Alexis stopped him and looked him in the eyes,

They can't do anything, Dad, it's the middle of the night and she's not even officially missing. We could go out and searched the millions of New York City streets for her, or we could get a couple of hours of sleep and be fresh in the morning. She could be with a number of people and there are a million reasons why she's not picking up her phone."

Rick slowly nodded his head but clenched her hand, trying not to think of the bodies they'd come across over the years or the fact that 3XK was still out there. He pried his eyes away from hers and towards the phone. Gingerly setting it on the table, he sucked in his breath and slowly sat deeper into the couch, pulling Alexis into his side. Eventually the two of them fell into a fitful sleep. Rick clinging to his daughter, his face distraught as his dreams filled with blood, murder and ringing cellphones.

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><p>As the adrenaline wore off with the gentle sway of the car, shock set into Kate's system. Her body slowly stopped shaking and became lifeless. By the time Tattoo Face had reached the hospital, the only place he could think to bring her, her hazel eyes had rolled back into her head and her breaths were short and shallow.<p>

He dragged her from his back seat and carried her to the ambulance bay where he lay his forehead on hers and whispered, "I'm sorry," tears streaming down his face. He placed her down outside the doors and quickly hopped in his car, tires squealing in his effort to get away.

Kate woke up in the hospital bed hours later. The nurse was checking her chart and switching her fluids when she noticed Kate's eyes fluttering. "Oh sweetie," she cooed, tears in her eyes, "It's lovely to see you awake."

The nurse was older, maybe in her 60's. She had a kind face and a plump stomach that was oddly comforting and motherly. Kate tried sitting up but collapsed from the pain, the effort leaving her gasping. "What happened?" she croaked, squeezing her eyes before gazing into the heavens in an effort to conceal her hurt.

"I'll call the doctor and she'll fill you in. First thing's first, can you tell me what your name is?" the woman gently asked, passing her a glass of water, "And your emergency contact information." Kate took a sip and drowsily gave her name and Castle's number.

The woman smiled sadly, "Thank you, my name is Olivia by the way. If you need anything, and I mean anything, please let me know." Kate smiled weakly back as Olivia left the room to find the doctor.

A couple of minutes later two women walked into the room. "It's good to see you awake, Ms Beckett. I'm Dr. Night, I've been taking care of your physical health. This is Dr. Thayer, a psychologist," the taller woman greeted, shutting the door behind them.

Kate had been examining her body and jumped when she heard the voice, "Sorry, I guess I'm a bit on edge. Can you tell me what happened? How long have I been here?"

"What can you remember?" Dr. Thayer asked softly before they took a seat beside her bed.

Kate's eyes drifted to her wrists as she thought. "I remember walking to The Old Haunt last night," she started slowly, "It _was_ last night, right?" She looked up alarmed. Dr. Night nodded solemnly. Kate looked relieved and continued, "I was running late so I cut down a side street and there were these men." Kate unintentionally shuddered. "they were so drunk. They got up close and physical with me," Kate drew in a shaky breath, "I was going to call it in but then everything went black." she paused, "That's all I remember." Kate's voice dropped as she slid her fingers around the raw skin surrounding her wrists. Her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "Why was I tied up? Why did they beat me? Was I drugged? Why don't I remember?"

The two doctors looked at each other and Dr. Thayer opened her mouth to reply, but Kate kept on, "I'm a cop, you know? So I can handle myself. it must have been the case I was working on. I'm a homicide detective you know," Kate's breathing quickened and the heart rate monitor started to beep more quickly as her rambling came faster and more distressed.

"Kate, Kate look at me," Dr. Thayer spoke calmly but forcefully, "Look where you are, you're safe. You're in a hospital." Kate's wide eyes flitted around before finding Dr. Thayer's. "From what we can tell due to your injuries," Started Dr. Night, "you were beaten, so we ran some tests and looked for signs of rape." Kate stilled as a flash of tongue down her throat leaped into her memory. She was suddenly aware of the pain that coursed through her sex. Her head fell backwards as the doctor continued.

"The tests came back positive so we collected the DNA samples and checked for sexually transmitted infections." Kate turned her face away from the two women and felt tears brimming in her eyes. "We'll need you to come back for check ups regularly over the next couple of months." Dr. Night stood, "We'll get the results from the most recent tests in a couple of days. I'm going to come back and check on you in a couple of hours." She turned to leave before halting and quietly adding, "You're a fighter, Kate." and leaving the room.

Kate didn't say a word for the next twenty minutes as Dr. Thayer gently explained a future filled with the emotional repercussions she was likely to face and gave her information on support groups and permanent psychologists. Kate's face remained emotionless until after it had crusted from dried tears. Her eyes were focused on the gentle pattering of rain on the window, the doctors words falling on deaf ears.

When Dr. Thayer got up to leave, Kate quietly cleared her throat. Thayer paused and Kate whispered, "Don't…" She glanced at her wrists before looking into the doctor's eyes "Don't tell my family. When they come, don't tell them. And can you ask Dr. Night to do the same?"

Thayer hesitated before nodding, "You'll tell them though?"

"Yeah," Kate lied, "I will."

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><p>The ringing phone woke Rick and Alexis with a start. He lunged towards it and answered. It was an unknown number but he breathed, "Kate?" into the speaker regardless.<p>

"Hello, is this Mr. Richard Castle?" came from the other end of the phone. Tears started to stream down his face as he cleared his throat and softly said, "Yes."

"I'm calling about Katherine Beckett. We understand that you're her fiance?" A woman on the line asked.

"Yes, is she…" He couldn't force the last word out of his mouth.

"She's alive, Mr. Castle, but we would like you to come into the hospital to discuss the details."

A whoosh of air expelled from Rick's lungs and relief plastered his face. Alexis took his hand and squeezed it.

"If you could make your way to New York Grace Hospital that would be great. Reception will know where she is."

"Thank you," Rick whispered before hanging up.

They arrived at the hospital thirty minutes later after jumping in the shower and changing into fresh clothes. Rick bounced his leg on the taxi ride over and was constantly checking his phone for new messages. Though Alexis tried to distract him with small talk, his mind was full of images of Beckett. She looks like Swiss Cheese in one, and was missing both legs and an arm in another. He cursed his writer's brain for having an overactive imagination.

By the time they arrived at the hospital his heart was thumping loudly and he was out of breath despite the lack of physical activity. Alexis guided her father to reception and found that Beckett was in room 4017.

Dr. Night met them as they stepped off the elevator. "You must be Mr. Castle," she started, holding out her hand, "Dr. Night, Kate's physician." Rick shook her hand and nodded, waiting for her to continue. "Katherine has been the victim of what we believe is a mugging gone wrong," Night easily lied, "She's shook up, but should be fine to see you. Try keeping the physical contact down to a minimum, her injuries cover a large part of her body."

Rick's eyes widened as he nodded. He followed the doctor to room 4017 where she gently knocked and slowly opened the door.

Rick suck in his breath as he took her in.

Her eyes filled with fear as she identified him as male rather than the love of her life.

He winced as she saw her beautiful right eye swollen shut, the other one had blue stitches running over the eyebrow and along the side of her face. He felt sick as the purple lump on her forehead appeared to grow before his eyes and he took in the crusted blood that stretched from either side of where her lips met back towards her ear where the gag had rubbed her skin raw. Her usually defined cheekbone had been covered by bandages, but he could tell that it had swelled to nearly twice the size. Her throat had ghastly purple hand marks around them as well as a shallow cut which was eclipsed by the length of stitches that ran across her collarbone.

Rick's concentration was only broken by the heart rate monitor which had begun to beep more quickly. He took two bounds towards her only to have it sky rocket as she slunk in her bed and braced herself for more punishment.

The only thing she could see as she looked at him was the vague faces of the men who had hurt her. As she saw him approach, her mind's eye placed a knife in his hand. She was sure he had come back to finish her. She would be dead now, but she didn't want to die anymore. She wanted to live and feel the sun on her back and see the smile on Castle's face every time they solved a case together.

Castle's face fell as he saw the reaction she had. She was afraid of him. He didn't understand.

Dr. Night stepped forward and took Rick by the arm, guiding him to a chair beside her bed. "Just talk to her, and make sure your daughter is with you, she should help. Remind her where she is and that she is safe." Rick looked hurt and confused, "But she's afraid of me…" he trailed off, "Why is she afraid of me? What happened to her?"

Alexis had stood by the door for the entire ordeal, afraid to go in and afraid to go away. It scared her that this strong role model could be so broken. She listened to what the doctor had said and resolved to stay. She made her way tentatively towards Beckett and gently touched her perfect hands. "Kate," she started softly and knelt down to her eye level, "Kate, look at me. It's Alexis. I'm here, you're safe." She cooed.

Kate looked into the big blue eyes of the young girl and grounded herself in them. She let out a small sob and wound her fingers through Alexis' before closing her eyes and turning her head away.

The young girl glanced back at her father and saw him slouched over, fists in his eyes, tears dripping down his face. She tightened her shoulders and straightened her back, blinking away the tears that threatened to spill over her lids.

The three of them sat there for what seemed like hours listening to the rain hit the window. None of them spoke, none of them moved, all of them cried.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Before you get mad, I don't think that the way women dress makes the responsible in anyway for sexual assault, but I thought it would be something Beckett would struggle with.**

**Happy reading.**

**(#wearewinter GO CANADA GO - winter Olympics for the win!)**

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><p>The mostly steady beeping of the machine was the tempo in the three minds, it's consistency was comforting and they all hung on to it as they became absorbed in their thoughts.<p>

She felt used, a sense of worthlessness washed over her, an irrational thought eating through her brain. Would Castle even want her anymore? She had let them rape her, hadn't she? She had cheated on him. The sense of shame was overcoming. She looked over to him and found his breaths hitching when he inhaled, his face covered by his large hands.

Kate didn't want to tell them that she was full of guilt. The feeling of responsibility was crushing. She told herself that she was trained to protect herself and as a result the blame was hers. The dress she was wearing had been far too revealing and walking alone at night was plain stupid. She brought it on herself, really. Her eyebrows furrowed painfully and she winced.

She had always looked at her naturally slim stature as a blessing, grateful that she wouldn't have to struggle through weight issues like so many women. Sometimes she had doubts, she would pinch her skin and loath the bearclaw she had accepted from Castle that morning, or the whispers of cruel women that she was anorexic made their way into her psyche and she would purge on chinese. But every other woman had the same problems in their own variation. She looked down her body, the first tear slipping down her face as she remembered the way the men had cupped her ass so animalistically. They began to spill as she harshly cursed her beautiful figure.

Nausea built against her sore throat as she remembered the way the men's dirty hands swept through her long hair and she grasped Alexis' hand a little tighter, fighting back the vomit that threatened to lurch out of her.

People always said that women who get… who are… she couldn't bring herself to even think the word.

They said women asked for it; it wouldn't have happened if they had dressed more modestly. Kate had never believed those accusations, but now self doubt filled her. She tried to place the blame on someone and her mind was drawing a blank save for herself. How could she blame the men? They were drunk for goodness sakes. They were drunk, right? She thought back to the events of last night as they became increasingly and cursedly clear in her tactically trained cop mind.

The guilt left suddenly as the smell of one of the men unexpectedly filled her nose. She gagged and desperately brought Alexis' wrist to her face, expelling the stench of the man with her scent. Alexis looked up at her in surprise and found her eyes hollow. Kate felt empty. She let her hand go limp in Alexis' and felt her gaze blur as she hopelessly stared at nothing.

Alexis was feeling lost. She was trying to figure out a way to leave her father and Beckett alone. As she saw the agony ripping through Beckett's face and her father crying, having secluded himself on the other side of the room, she couldn't bring herself to get up and make some half hearted excuse. When she felt Beckett's hand tighten, she looked up in surprise and saw that tears had released themselves from the detective's eyes and Alexis was filled with despair that such pain could be so evident from the strong woman.

She looked towards her father for guidance, searching in his posture for something that indicated anything other than the pain of seeing the love of his life so broken.

She felt overwhelmed by the whole situation and had just turned back to Beckett when she was jerked forward in a fit of strength surprising from a woman in her condition. Relief flooded her face like a drug addict getting a hit as Beckett inhaled her scent, her body going limp from the high. Beckett's eyes went dry almost instantaneously and her hand would have fallen if it weren't for Alexis holding it up.

She would have thought Beckett was asleep if it weren't for her open eyes which gazed out at nothing.

Alexis stared at the remarkable woman in front of her, finally feeling she could look without being caught. Kate, she had decided to call her Kate now because this woman in front of her was too vulnerable to be Beckett, looked like she had come from the set of the Walking Dead.

She couldn't, in her wildest imagination, think of what could possess a human being to do this to another human being. To beat them so hard that their cheeks caved in. She now saw that Kate had broken an arm, the white of the cast blending in with the milky sheets.

The smell of overserilization made the experience surreal, somehow Alexis had convinced herself that this had to be some sick joke and tentatively reached over to touch the scar on Kate's eyebrow, wanting to wipe what had to be makeup from her face.

Kate was pulled out of a white abyss where no one existed but the ghost of her mother by a gentle touch over her eye which sent a throbbing in her head. Her eyes widened and a child like, instinctive fear rose from her gut and filled her chest as the innocent woman beside her became a monster before her very eyes. She cowered away, clenching her eyes shut as she attempted to calm the demons inside her.

Alexis yanked her hands away and held them up as if to surrender. Guilt filled her and tears sprung to her eyes as she stood and stumbled backwards, "I'm sorry." she managed, "I didn't… I'm so sorry." she stumbled over her words and her feet as she made her way to the door, "I should leave you two alone." She brought her hand up to cover her mouth, face twisting in an effort to hold back the tears she felt she had no right to release.

Kate's eyes widened more, and the fear in her chest turned to panic as the prospect of being left alone with the man on the other side of the room overrode the fear of the girl in front of her, "Don't." She choked, "Don't leave. Please." The last word a desperate plea breathed in an uncharacteristic show of weakness.

Alexis' breath hitched as she considered the woman and slowly nodded, glancing at her father who had flinched at the words. She hesitantly looked at Kate, who wouldn't meet her eyes, and gingerly stepped back towards the chair where she had been sitting. She angrily wiped away a lone tear on her cheek, resting her hand there for a second before instinctively placing it beside Kate's, there if she wanted it.

It wasn't that he couldn't bare to look at his fiance, her face could be the only one he saw for the rest of his life and he would still never tire of finding new creases and expressions waiting to be understood.

It was that he felt so heavy with sorrow and guilt.

His head rested on his hands because it was to heavy to lift. The tears fell down his face because all of the water in his body had shot to his tear ducts, his heart having taken up too much space.

The image that flashed before his tightly clenched eyes was the fear in Beckett's face as he had started towards her. He refused to think how this fear had been placed in her, instead distracting himself with everything he would give to take her place in that bed.

The thoughts proved to be unhelpful, everything he could think of immediately being dismissed as worthless in the shining glory of the woman.

Castle's pain became hard for him to bare as his thoughts threatened to consume him. He opened his ears and clung to the beeping of the machine, breathing in beep, beep, beep, breathing out beep, beep, beep. This pattern kept him sane, kept his selfish emotions from Beckett, sparing her the best he could.

The words his daughter spoke echoed through his head, though he didn't look up to understand what they meant. It was Kate's 'please' that jerked him from his self wallowing. The desperation so clear in her tone made his heart skip a beat and he looked up to see Alexis walk slowly back towards his love. His eyes caught the hesitant movement of Alexis' hand beside Kate's, and her internal struggle before lightly resting her hand on top of the young girl's.

Castle stood and carefully, quietly made his way to the other side of Kate's bed. His shoulders were hunched, his steps unsure, unsteady. He pulled up a chair and sat mirror to his daughter, offering his hand in support much like his reflection.

Rick saw Kate struggle longer as she eyed his hand in a look so primal, it could have been a cat wearily judging a large dog. She stared at his hand for full minutes, hardly blinking before tearing her gaze away to look down at her injuries. Rick's hand stayed still as Kate's inched towards it. She raised her pinkie and it shook before coming down softly to brush the tip of his index finger. Her touch sent a shiver down his spine making it an effort to remain still.

It took Kate five painstaking minutes before her hand covered Castle's. He waited before he slowly flipped it, palm up. Her hand slid around his and she softly squeezed. Her eyes had been trained on their hands but she glanced up as she did this, not meeting his eye, but still catching him looking at her, surprised at how his gaze on her felt so different from those men's.

It took Kate three hours to crack; before the silent support that oozed from their hands coupled with the crippling emotions that overtook her caused her to speak in a murmur so quiet Rick's ears could hardly register the words. She didn't want to tell them she was full of shame and guilt. She should be able to protect herself, she was trained to do it. She needed to hear that it wasn't her fault, needed to know she was still loveable even if she couldn't believe it. Above all she needed to not be afraid of Castle. She craved his touch, yet his hand in hers sent shudders down her body.

She was drowning in emotion; anger, fear, shame, guilt, pain, distrust, emptiness and violation but at the same time a confusing sense of support, love, comfort and family. Her head spun, she was surrounded now by such a strong sense of these positive emotions that were entirely lacking in the death of her mother.

But the anger quickly ate through any positive. It began directed towards her attackers, but she could feel it branching out to the people she loved, and this scared her more than anything else could have. It was irrational, distasteful anger, but she was entirely too familiar with it. She knew that the anger needed to be controlled before it turned into obsession and pushed away the people she had worked so hard to open herself up to. This knowledge opened her mouth, and the overwhelming love she received from her fiance and his daughter spilled the story from her lips.

"I was so late, Castle. I didn't want to be, but I made a breakthrough on the case. It was-"

"The brother," They both said together, looking at each other in a deeply familiar way that almost made Kate forget her pain.

She averted her eyes quickly and continued, "I turned onto a side street, I didn't even see them at first, Castle." Rick's body relaxed slightly at the familiarity of his name on her lips before he shuddered at her next admission.

"They looked at me like I was meat," she mumbled, "I changed at the precinct. I wanted to look good for you. I was going to tell you…" She trailed off and added an, "Oh" in a voice so weak it could have belonged to a sickly child.

A tremor vibrated through her body as she took a sharp breath. This time when she looked at his concerned blue eyes they held hers strongly in a gaze she thought she could never tear from.

For a second time she went numb as he drew the words out of her, she barely registered the meaning of what split from her mouth, "I stopped taking the pills." She paused, scrunching her brow in confusion of the horrible possibilities it presented her, "I was going to tell you, we were going to use protection until we were ready. I so wanted us to be ready."

He looked confused but soon tensed so tightly a cramp tore through his calf as realization eventually came, a shadow covering his face, "No, Kate, no." He stood and reached his other hand to caress her face but pulled away when he saw fear flow into her eyes as she looked away.

"They raped my, Rick." Kate's voice was strong for this sentence, though her eyes wouldn't meet his.

They heard a sharp intake from Alexis as she looked at Kate's injuries in a whole new light.

Rick pulled his hand from Kate's and balled them up into fists, crouching on the ground and forcing them painfully into his eye sockets. His body shook as he tried to control his anger, instinctively knowing that any violent outburst would only make it harder for Kate to be around him.

Kate watched Castle, eyes puffy, red, and brimming with fresh tears and she saw the admission, a statement that had yet to fully register in Kate's mind, clearly become a shocking reality for the first of them.

Alexis stared at Kate with horrified disbelief as tears welled and dripped over her eyes.

"Rick, shh, Rick. I'm okay." Kate quietly soothed as Castle stilled below her. She reached over to him with her hand and gently ran her fingers through his soft hair.

Castle stilled at her words, removing his fists from his face and slowly clenched and unclenched them before looking up at her and taking her hand in both of his. He tenderly kissed it before leaning towards her and resting his lips on her forehead.

Kate's heart beat faster as she saw Rick approach her, but managed to keep still, the satin kiss washing calm over her body better than any amount of morphine could.

Over the next couple of hours doctors came and went as well as police which took her sparse statement. It was a blur for Kate, the procedure, however, was new for Alexis and Castle and overwhelmed them.

She received an HIV cocktail and the morning after pill which fell the room into an eerie silence.

It was broken by the ringing of Castle's cell, the jingle making them jump and a tense laugh broke from Alexis' mouth before she clamped her hand over it. Beckett smiled at her grateful for the emotional outlet. Castle took out his phone, intending to shut it up, but paused when he saw it was the 12th precinct. He glanced at Kate and showered her the face of his phone so she could see who it was.

She nodded slowly and watched as he brought it up to his ear.

"Castle," he said quietly.

"She's, uh, here with me."

"No," he chuckled softly before soberly continuing, "She's been… she's at the hospital."

"Yeah, she's pretty banged up though."

"Why don't I let you talk to her?"

Castle handed Beckett the phone, mouthing Ryan.

"Hey, Ryan" Kate said softly.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just a little banged up, you know. Nothin' that I can't handle."

"I was," she briefly paused, "mugged, it was stupid. I didn't have my gun with me, or my badge. Rookie mistake."

"Thanks Ryan, the doctor said I should be fine to come home later tonight, as long as I can keep solids down and my meds can be managed orally. I'm not sure when I'll be back at work though."

She let out a small laugh, "Pretty bad, but I think it looks worse than it is."

"Thank you, I'd appreciate that. I was going to get Castle to, but if you could drop by, Martha should be able to pick some out."

"Thanks Ryan, I'll see ya soon."

She finished the call and handed it back to Castle, indicating for him to call his mother.

"He and Espo are gonna pick up Martha and a change of clothes for me before heading over here. They'll arrive in about an hour." She hesitated, taking her time to look in each of their eyes, "I don't wanna tell anyone else."

They solemnly nodded. She closed her eyes and wiped her hand tersely along her thigh.

"Thank you" she tentatively added, her voice choked with emotion.

And so they sat, hand in hand, thinking of the innocence of yesterday and hoping for a better tomorrow.

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><p><strong>AN: Thoughts?**


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Enjoy :)

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><p>"Castle," Kate said suddenly, mild urgency laced through her tone. He started at the noise having drifted off into his own little world. She waited until his eyes focused on hers before continuing, "Gimme your phone."<p>

Castle wordlessly reached into his pocket and drew out the device, handing it to her. She gave Alexis' hand a quick squeeze, used her thumbs to dial a number, and brought the phone up to her ear.

"I'm calling my dad." She explained, hesitating before quietly asking, "May I have some privacy please?" She averted her eyes, embarrassed at the request.

Castle nodded and cleared his throat, "Yeah, of course," they stood and made their way out of the room. Alexis left to get coffee while he stationed himself outside the room by the window, unwilling, unable to tear his eyes away from her for even a minute. The sight of her tore his heart in half, he felt like sinking to his knees and weeping passionately but he also felt an unfamiliar, sickening anger towards the men that did this to her. She looked inches from death, the bruises covering her arms, neck, and plunging down her chest under her gown had turned a ghastly yellow and some were verging on green. Daggers struck his heart to know that it must be worse on her torso, judging from her shallow breathing and the frequency the nurses came to check on her. He and his daughter hadn't looked as they examined her, knowing that she valued her privacy and pride. He felt anger growing, eating him, his face dyed red, his closed fists shaking from tension. He was losing control, he could tell, so he found her eyes, looking tiredly out the window facing outside, and ground himself in them.

He saw her faint smile and the curve of her mouth as she spoke. Though she kept her face gentle, her eyes spoke of a greater pain. He analyzed every line on her face, each revealing her thoughts through her conversation. The talk was brief, but Castle would have given an arm and a leg to be a fly on the wall. he didn't understand their relationship; it was so different from the one he shared with is daughter. He didn't understand how they could communicate so much with so few words or be so comforted by simply each other's presence, even on the phone. In retrospect is was a similar relationship that Kate shared with him, but he knew that a bond between father and daughter shares no comparison.

Finally, it seemed like ages for Castle, she lowered the phone from her ear and, ending the call, cradled it gently in her hands. He made to enter the room but paused, deciding to wait for Alexis so she would feel safer. He became transfixed on her face, watching it evolve into a state of determined resolve and by the time Alexis returned five minutes later, juggling three coffees in her hands, Castle could tell that weepy, hurt, broken Kate had been replaced by resilient, stubborn, selfless Beckett. At least for now. When he and Alexis entered the room again, the somber mood was gone and a dull sparkle glinted in Beckett's eye as she shared a knowing smile with Castle at the coffee she was offered. She pulled up Flappy Bird on the phone in her hand and they took turns playing, jesting and jeering. The girls coming up with theories on how Castle had cheated to get a score of 217 while Castle harassed the two girls on their meager high scores in the twenties, the friendly banter hinting towards the normality Beckett had been desiring since she had woken.

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><p>Beckett was only mildly surprised when Lanie came bursting through the door, but flinched as it banged loudly against the wall. The smiles faded from their faces and Kate dug her nails into her palms at the look of sorrow that washed over her friend's face as she took in her condition.<p>

"Oh, sweetie, what happened?" The woman asked softly before disapprovingly adding, "And why didn't you call me?" Beckett had to make a conscious effort not to snap at her friend for her selfishness, instead sheepishly explaining, "I got mugged."

Lane examined her injuries with a trained eye and walked over to her chart, "No!" Kate yelped, biting her lip after the sudden outburst and, concealing her true motives, added as sincerely as possible, "You're not my doctor. I need you to just be my friend now, okay?"

Lanie's eyes narrowed suspiciously but she tentatively set the chart back on the end of the bed before walking over to Beckett's side.

Alexis slid off the side of the bed where she had been playing and moved to the corner of the room.

Lanie took the chair and hesitated before cradling Beckett's hand in her two. Kate wondered at the astounding instincts her love ones had for the contact she needed and could handle. The hand was so safe, she had the control, it did wonders to the fear she was experiencing towards being touched. The warmth of the soft hands on hers sent a small shiver of love up her arm.

Kate sighed softly and started on a lie that would become well practiced of the the next couple of weeks. She fed her friend the truth she remembered up until she had the man on the ground in the alleyway. From there it became a vague but gallant story with a tragic ending that Castle found himself cringing to, but still wishing it held more truth than he knew it did. He would eventually find himself hating this story, each retelling would drive him deeper, darker into his imagination, conjuring up images of an increasingly violent nature. His fascination with murder combined with seething anger budding into intricate schemes designed to make the men pay.

They had a different effect on Beckett. She found solace in the tales, almost convincing herself that they were true until someone's thoughtless pat on the back or too firm handshake brought her right back to that God forsaken mattress. She told this story as often as she could, naively convinced that this could somehow change the past.

Alexis made herself scarce each time she heard the story coming after the first telling, and she became able to detect it from a mile away. She had it worked down to a science. Anytime someone new came over it would take between three and five minutes for greetings to be make and food or flowers safely stashed away and then the story would come out. At this point Alexis would, tactfully but efficiently, leave. The story for her became a sickening excuse and only served to bury Kate's emotional trauma. She felt betrayed by it, it made the world seem so much more humane than the reality.

However the first time, as all first times are, was new territory for all of them. Kate numbly rattled off details, cautiously avoiding any scenarios in which lust for anything beyond her monetary valuable could be interpreted. Rick listed in stunned silence, his mind supplying the faces and in betweens of her lie. Alexis was harshly ripped from the last of her childhood innocence as her eyes translated each articulation in Kate's face. She saw everything there and heard emotions she didn't even know were possible flicker through Kate's anything but steady words and eyes.

Lanie appeared entirely fooled, but they all knew she saw something beyond the story. This is something Beckett would always be grateful for: the respect and time her friend rewarded her in her time of need; knowing, in a way only the closest of friends can, that she needed it.

"I left the precinct a little bit later than I intended so I ducked down a side street. I saw a group of guys comin' at me," Rick flinched at her word choice, "They saw my clutch," His mind supplied body parts in place of the bag, "And demanded that I give it to them. I said no and so they pushed my around a little bit." Rick saw hands groping rather than shoving, "I fought, but there were too many of them." Alexis shuddered, feeling pathetically weak next to the strong woman who had failed. Kate smirked, "I must have gotten one of them pretty badly, though, because they got really angr-" Kate felt the word stall on her tongue as she was transported back to the room.

She cowered there, frozen as the towering statues of men approached her in slow motion. There was burning agony in the junction of her legs. Her gut was clenching and twisting stronger than any cramp. The blood that was seeping out of her filled her with overwhelming shame. Her filth disgusted her. She could barely breath for the hurt; short and rapid pants narrowly serving her oxygen needs. Each one sending a piercing pain through her entire chest. Her vision was spotted, the men came in and out of focus. Cruel voices penetrated her consciousness though the meaning of the words from their horrible mouths escaped her. She saw a dirty face approaching her and the stench of alcohol, sweat and urine invaded her nostrils. His sharp stubble scraped against her soft, swelling cheek as his gruff voice offended her ear, too loud, hot and personal. Anger course through her veins, she clenched her muscles until she was in so much pain a restrained yell burst from her lungs drawing her back to the present.

Agitated, Kate drew her hand away from Lanie and brought it to her head, digging her nails into her scalp and pulling at her hair. Her eyes flitted wildly around the room before finding refuge in the ocean of his.

"Angry. They were angry." She muttered breathlessly. They became momentarily lost in each other's eyes and suddenly she wasn't speaking to Lanie anymore, "They were consumed by it, I saw it in every movement they made, every expression in their faces. I was so utterly powerless against them so I gave up. But they thought I had more money." Her voice shook as she finished, "They hit me until I had nothing left." Lanie picked up Kate's hand and ran her thumb over the ring, saying nothing.

"Before that, though, I fought like a fucking dog." A fierce look came into her eyes as she imagined all the horrible things she wished she could have done to them and provided them as truth.

As Kate finished her story there was a light tap at the door. Alexis took a shaky breath before getting up and welcoming Ryan, Esposito and Martha into the room. The boys hung back while Martha stepped forward, handing Kate the bag of clothes and some flowers she held. Kate handed the items to Castle, thanking the woman and greeting the boys with a timid, "Hey".

Ryan and Esposito's eyes grew as they took in Beckett's obviously serious injuries. Tears sprung to Espo's eyes and Ryan grew pale, rasping, "God, Beckett, what happened?"

It's not as bad as it looks," Beckett replied, looking down, but, knowing the boys weren't fooled, she reluctantly sprung into her story.

Alexis, who had been standing by the door, discreetly left and ran to a bathroom in a nearby empty room. Locking the door, she grasped either side of the sink with each hand. Her eyes bore into each other through the mirror and she brought one hand slowly up and outlined her face where Beckett's injuries were. Tears sprang to her eyes as she spun around, clutching her stomach, to lean her back against the counter. Her body doubled over as she dry heaved, her empathy for Kate physically and emotionally overwhelming her. She began to sob, sinking onto the floor with her knees tight against her chest.

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><p>"We're going to catch these sons of bitches, Beckett, they're gonna pay." Ryan spat as she finished her story, in a Castle like pizzazz. She had given it a near humorous tone that infuriated her fiance but blessed the rest of the room with a knowingly ignorant bliss.<p>

The five carried on an easy conversation about Castle and Beckett's revelations about the case while Martha watched her son and future daughter-in-law tentatively interact. She saw her tense when Castle resumed his hand's position in hers then slowly relax only to tense again once he started tracing patterns with his thumbs. Her eyes caught flashes of fear on Beckett's face every time of of them made sudden movements. She looked like a caged animal: abused and afraid.

The woman also didn't miss Alexis as she slunk back into the room 10 minutes later, face blotchy and eyes red. Martha took charge of the situation, seeing it heading no where. She sent the detectives back to the precinct, thanking them for coming by, and Castle to double check with the nurses that Beckett would be okay to leave and to pick up a wheelchair.

Once the men left the room, Beckett visibly relaxed. She struggled into a sitting position, clumsily guiding each of her stiff legs over the side of the bed and hissing loudly as she put her stomach muscles into use. The effort left her exhausted and turned her face beet red as she muttered out a plea for help from Alexis.

The other women took this as a silent request for privacy, knowing that Beckett's pride was too damaged to allow her the privilege of asking for it herself. They left the room with excuses involving the words 'Castle' and 'help' meaninglessly thrown around.

When Kate and Alexis were alone, Kate sighed deeply and sat still, head hanging, hair covering her face. Alexis stood and closed the door and blinds fully. She then reached into the bag Martha had supplied, pulling out the underwear and slowly walking in front of Kate, the garment hanging awkwardly in her hands.

Kate cleared her throat, "I, uh, can't reach, Alexis."

The girl nodded and reached down, sliding the panties around Kate's ankles. Guiding them gently up her legs, she saw that they were shaking. Alexis squeezed her eyes shut briefly and stopped the ascent at Kate's knees. She reached over and grabbed the jeans that sat nearby. Gently holding her ankle, Alexis slid Kate's foot through the hole in the fabric, mirroring the action on the other side. As she drew them up, the fabric pulled against the dozens of tiny scabs that had formed along her leg. She refrained a shutter at the thought of how the cuts had been formed and pulled the pants tight along her calves but left them with her underwear around her knees.

Kate brought her arms up and lay her hands on Alexis' shoulders before sliding them around into a hug-like embrace, allowing the girl to support her as she attempted to stand. Kate felt her legs wobble but managed to erect herself. She looked up into the air, rebellious tears swelling in her eyes, breath catching in her throat when she said, "I'm going to need you to pull them all the way up, Alexis."

She didn't see the girl nod, but felt as she brought the garments higher and higher up her thighs. She brought them blessedly slowly, but Kate's breathing still quickened with panic each inch they rose

The intimate experience left both the women shaky and Beckett felt unfounded anger building against the girl for being so understanding, a girl that young shouldn't be so understanding. She reigned it in, but couldn't stop the tears from falling onto her face. She sat down with the young woman's help and watched as she walked back to the bag.

"Are you sure you don't want Lanie for this?" Alexis questioned as she eyed the bra and loose sweater her grandmother had brought.

"If you can't," Kate paused, thinking about her word choice, "handle it… you can grab her, but," She clasped Alexis' soft, small hand in her worn, rough ones and looked her tentatively in the eye, "I would prefer you."

Alexis nodded and allowed a solemn, near professional look to cover her face. She made her way to the other side of the bed, facing Kate's back and began to unbutton her gown. Their breaths became a quiet harmony to the rain outside as the young woman's work exposed more and more of Kate's slender back. Alexis relaxed as she saw that there was no evidence of injury, excluding the white of the bandage that wrapped around from the stomach.

Cool air wafted against Kate's torso as she stiffly removed the garment and placed it to her side, reaching for the bra she knew Alexis held. She slid her hands into the loops and brought the straps up to her shoulder blades one at a time. She secured it around her breasts and waited while Alexis clipped the back. Kate scrutinized her face as she walked from behind to her front and caught the exact instant the girl saw her injuries.

"Oh God," Alexis gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. She grabbed a tray that had been sitting beside the detective's bed and gagged into it three times before releasing the remnants of last night's dinner onto the platter.

Kate's gut twisted, she had never felt more ashamed about her appearance. Her tongue twisted in her mouth and jaw firmly clenched shut. Apology washed over Alexis' features and she muttered 'sorry', but the damaged had been done. Beckett lifted her chin and sat up a little bit straighter. Alexis slunk over and helped her arms into the sleeves, gently lifting it over her head. Kate duck her head into the hole, fully determined that the piercing pain shooting through her collarbone would not provide Alexis with any more reason to feel sorry for her. When the hoodie was fully on, Beckett let go of a breath she didn't know she had been holding. She worked to keep her breathing steady as she lay back on the bed and let her eyes fall shut.

Alexis slumped on the chair, mentally kicking herself for her reactions and stifling the desire to clean her mouth with a glass of water.

"I need you not to feel sorry for me." Alexis shot her head up and nodded profusely as the words sunk it, uttering, "Yes, of course," a she regarded Kate's shut eyes.

Alexis slowly stood and walked to the window to open the blinds and poked her head out the door to see if her father had returned. She smiled in relief as she saw the man wheeling himself down the hall towards the room with a smirk on his face, Lanie and Martha at his heels, teasingly grumpy looks on theirs. They all froze to gauge Kate's reaction as they entered the room. She looked at him and smiled softly, chuckling, "Oh, Castle."

Castle took in the clothes that she had put on and his face fell, "Kate, you're not aloud to go home. They need to keep you overnight for observation. You have some pretty serious abdominal injuries."

Kate put on a thin, tight smile and replied, "I don't care, Castle. I'll go home with Lanie and stay with her for a couple of days if that's what it takes. She'll take good care of me." Looking to her friend for confirmation.

"I don't know, Kate, that might not be a good idea," the woman started before being cut off by Beckett's glare. "Of course, if we keep a close eye on you, you should be fine." She finished quickly.

Martha quickly ran and grabbed the appropriate paperwork so that Kate could leave against doctor's advice and in thirty minutes and some excellent persuasion skills, they were helping Beckett into the wheelchair and wheeling her down to the car park.

Castle hung back while the women got Beckett settled in the passenger seat. He then stepped forward and crouched down in front of her, gently taking her face between his hands. They became enthralled in each other's eyes and when he leaned forward and planted a lingering and tender kiss on her forehead, she did not feel afraid.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hey guys, I'm not really happy with how this chapter turned out, I'm really hoping that it's better than I think it is, but doubt it. I hope you guys are good and enjoying whatever awesome thing life has to offer you right now! So without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, chapter 6;

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><p>SIX DAYS<p>

The soup sat in front of her, mocking. Although the pain in her stomach was barely noticeable under the constant throbbing that pulsed through the rest of her body, her mind, fuzzy from the drugs, would not allow her to give in and take at least that one discomfort away. She didn't deserve it, or perhaps it would betray her; add to her beauty in ways that have already caused this terrible pain. Whichever, she was determined not to indulge. Still, it sat there.

It was thick cream of mushroom soup; pepper sprinkled lightly over top and steam softly rising from the centre. Its aroma wafted into Kate's nose enticing her to consume, her stomach growled and the room spun.

The food remained in the bowl.

She knew that Lanie had put in a decent amount of effort to make something appetizing for her. When Kate wouldn't tell her what she wanted to eat she had called Castle and asked him about her favourite flavour of soup and had made it from scratch, busying herself with the meal to distract from Kate not wanting her help with anything else.

She had been at Lanie's home for almost a full day and still had not eaten anything, granted most of the time she was asleep, but she knew that Lanie was going to put her foot down soon.

The woman had been sitting in the kitchen getting some work done while waiting for her to finish her food. Kate had briefly entertained the idea of flushing it down the toilet but doubted she could make it there at all, let alone with a bowl of hot soup in her hand. Soon enough a shadow fell upon the bed and Kate looked up to see Lanie standing in the doorway. She saw the disapproving look in her friend's eyes and put up a defensive face as the woman sat on the side of the bed and picked up the spoon.

"You don't need to feed me, Lanie." Kate huffed.

"Clearly I do." She retorted, raising the spoon up to her mouth.

Kate's glare shifted from the cream of broccoli to her friend as she grabbed the spoon from her hand and choked down the liquid. Each spoonful of soup went down Kate's throat reluctantly, so it was only when there was a quiet knocking on the door that Lanie stopped hovering.

When she came back she was escorting a shy looking Alexis, flowers in one hand, small duffle bag in the other. The smile that bloomed on Kate's face as she took in the red head gave the young woman confidence and so she returned it. She walked towards the bed proudly handing Kate the large bouquet of flowers, "These are for you. They're from dad."

Kate tentatively reached for them and cradled them tenderly in her arms and, sticking her nose into the petals, inhaling the sweet scent until Lanie returned with a vase.

Taking it, she carefully guided the stems into the glass and plucked off the head of one of the daisies before placing them gently on the bedside table closest to her.

She took the daisy and spun it around in between her fingers, a soft smile playing on her lips.

"How are you feeling?" Alexis asked gently.

"Sore," Kate smiled, "But I'm happy you're here to distract me." She patted the empty space beside her in the queen sized bed, inviting the girl to sit. A huff escaped from her lips as the mattress sagged sending a shooting pain up her body. She quickly squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath before registering Alexis' worried look. She threw a pained smile on her face she reached for the remote that was just a touch too far away. Alexis came to her rescue and plucked it up, flicking to Netflix and drawing a more genuine smile to Kate's face. "What would you like to watch?" She asked Alexis.

"You choose." The girl offered.

"What about _Up_? You can't go wrong with Pixar." Kate suggested.

Alexis' eyes rose as she nodded, surprised at the juvenile choice.

Lanie quietly left them to their movie and returned to her makeshift desk in the living room as their eyes became fixed to the TV, the soup forgotten.

Not five minutes into the movie their eyes filled with tears as the initial love story played out. Kate reached for Alexis' hand and pulled her closer until the two sat shoulder to shoulder.

The tears dried quickly, though and didn't return for the rest of the night.

They watched movie after movie until the light had long faded, only pausing to change Kate's dressings.

Lanie found them hours later, Kate with her arm around Alexis who was cuddled into her side. She walked over and turned off the TV. Gently brushing away a wisp of hair that had fallen over Kate's bruised face she watched her girls in their peaceful sleep for a couple of moments before gathering up the forgotten soup and half eaten sandwiches she had brought in for dinner and leaving the room quietly.

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><p>FIVE DAYS<p>

It was still dark when Alexis woke to Kate's strangled cries beside her.

"Kate?"

They grew louder and louder as Alexis tried in vain to wake her up.

Tears dripped down the woman's haunted face.

Her yells were contrasted by her lack of movement, something that registered an alarm at the back of Alexis' mind.

She shifted in Kate's embrace and stroked her face whispering, "You're safe, Kate." in soft, comforting tones.

It didn't take long before her cries woke Lanie and she came bursting into the room, eyes wide, the midnight adrenaline racking through her body.

By the time Kate's eyes focused and her brain became aware, she was drenched in sweat and her hands were clenched in fists.

She looked up to see Alexis on her right, frozen with a fearful look on her face and Lanie on her left bending down and clutching her shoulders.

A wave of claustrophobia struck her, her chest tightened, her pulse quickened. She desperately gasped out, "Space," to her onlookers which snapped them out of their dazed trance and she watched as they both lurched away from her; Alexis getting caught in the covers and Lanie falling off of the balls of her feet in their desperate attempt.

Her eyes fell shut as she concentrated on breathing and when they opened again a number of minutes later, Lanie was beside her with a glass of cold water and Alexis had disappeared into the bathroom.

Kate took the water with a grateful smile and urged Lanie to go back to bed and then called Alexis out of the bathroom with a gentle voice.

The door opened a crack and Kate had to invite her once more before it opened all the way and Alexis' form hesitantly crept out as she switched off the light.

"Can you leave the light on please?"

She watched as the light flickered on and the young woman came to a halt at the end of the bed, clearly unsure of what the protocol was.

"Come back to bed, sweetie," Kate gently hummed.

As Alexis settled on the other side of the bed, Kate noticed the girl's eyes had become red and puffy. She was saddened to see the affect her trauma was having, but could not bring herself to explain the dream, even to say that it was nothing.

As morning came around there was an unspoken agreement to ignore the nightmare.

The day continued much like the previous afternoon. Kate and Alexis watched movies while Lanie left for work with strict instructions for Kate to eat any food that Alexis gave her. Kate also watched as Alexis worked on a paper.

They went for a short walk together up to the roof of the apartment building around noon where they looked out at the city before the nipping wind drew them back inside for a warm lunch.

Kate ate without complaint but only half of what Alexis had put in front of her.

As night time came around, Alexis and Kate settled into bed together again. The light in the bathroom stayed on until morning.

* * *

><p>FOUR DAYS<p>

Kate's stomach was unpleasantly churning the omelette that Alexis had made. She put down her fork and stood on shaky legs to make her way from the table to the sink where she deposited her plate. She needed to get Alexis out of the apartment.

"Alexis, can you please run down to the store for me to grab Frozen? I've wanted to see it since it came out, but I haven't had time." She could tell Alexis wasn't buying her excuse, but having no reason to doubt her intentions she smiled and complied.

Kate fished in her wallet for a twenty dollar bill and handed it to the girl who tried to shrug it off. Kate forced the bill into her hand though, knowing that she was struggling with money as any other university student.

Alexis walked over to the door and slipped on her coat, boots and a thick scarf before hesitating, "If you need anything I have my phone, okay?"

Kate nodded and limped towards the door to lock it behind the girl.

When she was alone she made her way to the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. Her fingers brushed over the bruises on her face and the many small cuts over her arms and legs. She rested her hand and the hem of her shirt briefly before slowly bringing it up to expose her stomach to herself.

She judged it critically, noting the definition of muscle and small pouch of fat that she found there.

She could feel her stomach digesting the food she had eaten and placed her palm over her gut, pushing it deeper into her body.

Her fingers drifted to her red neck and feathered over it, up to her chin and rested on her bottom lip. She looked deep into her eyes, mentally battling herself before they flicked back down to her stomach that seemed to ever increase in size.

She thought about the way the men had eyed her in the street, the way they scoured her body. The cuts on her stomach were longer and deeper than anywhere else, she cursed herself for not being able to remember how they got there, but also felt gratitude towards her mind for blocking the memories.

"If only this were gone," she thought to herself, grabbing her stomach, "They wouldn't have come at me."

It was irrational, she knew, but she needed a reason, a way to protect herself.

Her fingers invaded her mouth and their nails caught on her bottom teeth and then her tongue and then Kate was walking towards the toilet.

She knelt down in front of the porcelain bowl and lifted the lid.

Each side of the toilet was grasped by her hands as she stared into the water, hating herself for what she wanted to do, daring herself to do it, and cursing herself for the cowardly thoughts.

Her fingers made the decision for her torn mind and all of a sudden she found them forced down her throat.

She heaved forward as she gagged, and sunk the two long pointers further down her throat, coughing and choking. Finally she felt her body giving in and her lunch came up in liquidly and chunky mess.

She repeated the action until the stomach acids in her stomach burned her throat and only that and water sprung from her mouth.

* * *

><p>THREE DAYS<p>

She had definitely lost weight and she wasn't healing as quickly she should have been for her age and fitness level.

Sleeping, which had come so easily the first couple of days, struggled to make an appearance as her body became less exhausted from fixing itself.

Walking was tough. Her body still ached and the room spun when she stood.

She had trouble concentrating on anything, conversations especially. People would be talking to her and she would get distracted by the way their hair glinted in the sunlight or her brain would send her on wild goose hunts, much like the ones she imagined Castle had to deal with on a daily basis.

That's where she was now. She and Alexis were sitting on the bed talking about one of her classes, or rather Alexis was talking at her and Kate was in a completely different universe. She was wondering how much Alexis knew about sex. Was she a virgin? Had any of her boyfriends ever pressured her into doing anything? Did she know that it was okay to say no? Boys would still love her despite it. Had she ever kissed a girl?

Her mind was jumbled with these thoughts which she had a vague feeling might be inappropriate for her spew out on the girl while education was the topic of conversation. Never the less;

"Who gave you the sex talk?" It slipped from Kate's mouth before she realized it. It took her a second of staring into Alexis' wide eyes to even realize that she had actually uttered the question out loud. The words that had been rolling off her tongue stalled as her whole body tensed. Kate and Alexis stared at each other for a lengthy second, shocked with the change of subject before Alexis' face reddened and Kate began to sputter, "I mean, sorry, obviously you dad. Sorry, I got… I was… um…"

"No one," Alexis interrupted, "Dad gave me a book, but we never really talked about it." She paused, ringing her hands together before slowly continuing, "I think he always expected mum to do it. He really just gave me the book to cover his bases. She never did though." She ducked her head, hair falling over an eye as she looked into Kate's, "I've always been his little girl, you know. He only gave it to me after I started dating Ashley." She smirked, "He was so embarrassed! He just said that if I had any questions I could talk to him."

Kate felt a bubble of laughter grow in her throat and it burst out without her consent, instantly breaking the awkward tension in the room.

"Did it hurt?" Kate's smile dropped from her face at Alexis' question, "I know for me and Pi it was painful at the start but then…" She smiled shyly, "It got good. That night, though. Did it hurt?"

Kate looked uncomfortable so Alexis quickly added, "You don't have to tell me anything. I just thought you might want to talk about it," and moved to get up.

Kate's heart pounded in her chest but she really did want to talk about it. Maybe she hadn't intended on this conversation being with Alexis, she was thinking more on the lines of a therapist, but she so desperately wanted to deepen her relationship with her and she _needed_ to talk. She reached out and placed her hand on Alexis'.

"Yeah," she croaked and cleared her throat before continuing, "It did. You have to understand, Alexis, what … happened to me … it wasn't sex. Sex is too … wonderful to ever share a name with what those men did to me that night."

Alexis nodded but was silent. She kept her teary eyes fixed on the duvet.

"Still, I'm afraid," Kate continued, the tears that clogged her throat giving her difficulty, "That it won't be the same again, that your father and I will never be able to have kids because I won't be able to… Oh God. What if we never… He needs… What if he leaves me?" The irrational thought popped out of her mouth before she realized and Alexis looked up in surprise.

"He would never leave you, Kate."

Kate had been reduced to a blubbering mess, her words were hardly understandable as sorrow filled her, "But we need sex, we aren't us without it."

Kate looked up through blurry eyes to see a disgusted look on Alexis' face, "Um, ew!" The girl admonished. The look was one of true horror and it drew laughter again from Kate who wiped her eyes while apologising.

Their emotions were strung tightly, so soon uncontrollable laughter filled the room.

That was the moment that the phone decided to ring. All humor died from Kate's eyes as she looked at the screen which was telling her that Castle was on the other end. She stared at it for ages, feeling the vibrations ricochet through her entire body and the ringtone pierce her ears.

It was quiet for a minute before it started to ring again. She rested her finger on the lock button and hesitated, looking to Alexis for assurance but finding nothing of use in her questioning gaze. She looked back down to her phone, ignored the call, put it on sleep mode and set it beside her bed.

Silence was heavy in the room.

"I'm not ready to face him."

* * *

><p>TWO DAYS<p>

She was alone in the apartment again. It hadn't happened since Alexis had come home and smelled the vomit in the bathroom. Kate was still puking after each large meal, but she had Lanie and Alexis convinced otherwise.

Kate had lain in bed all day staring at the wall with fuzzy eyes. She didn't know how, but she convinced Alexis to go to school fairly easily. Alexis had left a movie playing for her, but she turned it off. It held no interest for her today. Occasionally her eyes would drift to bookshelves that lay in the corner of the room, but she couldn't muster up the effort to retrieve a book.

Her bladder was pressing, asking her to relieve herself, but still the effort would not come. It would only hurt, she told herself. She didn't care today. She didn't care about getting better. She didn't care to get back to normal. She didn't care that her teeth felt gritty and her throat was dry. Nothing mattered today.

She had waited too long, she could tell. She doubted she could make it to the bathroom in time now, but still she did not move.

She lay there for hours. Her limbs were heavy and unresponsive. Tears made the occasional appearance, but she made no move to wipe them from her cheek, so they crusted along her face.

She started as her phone began to ring on the bedside table. Her brown eyes rested on it and she counted the seconds until it stopped. She counted the seconds again until it rang again. He always rang twice. Twice a day, two times each and she had still not picked up. She should feel guilty, but she wasn't feeling anything today, so she didn't.

When the second ringing stopped she swung her legs over the side of the bed and shakily stood on them, shuffling towards the bathroom.

She was only half way there when she hissed loudly in pain as the urine began to trickle down her leg. It stung the many cuts that marred her skin. She pressed her legs together in an effort to stop the flow.

Her pee had soaked her legs by the time she made it to the toilet. She would have felt humiliated any other day, but not today.

It struck her as strange that these things weren't bothering her. She wondered if there was anything wrong with her. She hadn't vomited yet today, that was good she supposed, but she also hadn't eaten anything besides an apple at breakfast. She pulled up her damp pants and washed her hands.

Turning back to the toilet, she stuck her fingers down her throat, purely out of curiosity. She wondered if it was even possible to feel anything. Maybe that wasn't a part of her anymore. Maybe she would never feel anything again she thought, vaguely intrigued.

Her body convulsed as it brought up the stomach acids and water left in her system, but it was an out of body experience.

She left the bathroom in a trance, assuming she was going back to bed, but found herself in the kitchen instead.

Kate opened all of the cupboards and drawers, not exactly sure what she was looking for. She didn't want food. She knew that for sure.

Finally she found it. It was perfect, the black handle fit like a glove in her hand, like it belonged. She reached her finger out and slid her finger along the side before reaching the tip and pressing in. She watched curiously as blood trickled down the knife, the dark red a sharp contrast to the metal blade.

She sat on the floor of the kitchen in pajama pants soaked in pee and leaned back against the humming fridge. She placed the blade on her hand and curiously watched as it slowly opened the skin beneath it.

She placed the blade on her wrist. She didn't want to kill herself; she only wanted to see what it would look like. She knew that slicing up her forearm could be fatal, but a diagonal cut would provide her with just the pain. That is, if she could feel.

She cut, relief washed over her body as the pain registered. She was a human; she could finally feel for the first time that day.

It was unlike any hit she had ever had, that one slice was all she needed. Her vision cleared, her mind cleared. She took in everything that she was, sitting on that kitchen floor covered in her filth.

"Oh, fuck!" She exclaimed and dropped the knife like it was the devil himself. She grabbed a tea towel and pressed it against her wrist. "What did I do?" She muttered over and over again, cradling her wrist to her chest and rocking back and forth.

Another hour passed before the tidal wave of emotions succumbed enough for her to clean up her mess. She wiped down the kitchen, clearing the blood; the bathroom, banishing the smell; and herself, bandaging her wrist, changing her clothes smelling of pee and blood, and redressing her old wounds

By the time Alexis got back from her long day of classes, she had herself in front of the TV with a half empty bowl of spaghetti in front of her, not that she had eaten half a bowl, she just made it look like she had for Alexis' sake.

If Alexis noticed the new bandage, which Kate had covered with a long sleeved shirt, she didn't mention it.

They sat together for the rest of the night before they fell asleep in Kate's bed, just like they had every night since she had arrived.

* * *

><p>ONE DAY<p>

Kate called Lanie before the woman left from work and asked her to pick up some rum. She didn't have any intention of living out this day sober. Lanie was doubtful, but bent to her obviously strong desires despite the medication she was on.

Kate needed to drink today, so she had not taken any meds since the day before in preparation.

When Lanie arrived home she sent Alexis back to her dad's place with instructions to stay away until the morning. Kate's first swig came directly out of the bottle. She was too desperate for pain relief to even bother getting out a glass. The first burn of alcohol down her throat began to numb her body and soon everything went dark as bottle after bottle disappeared down their throats.

* * *

><p>DAY ZERO<p>

Kate woke up with a splitting headache and found that she was on the bathroom floor using Lanie as a pillow, the smell of bacon and eggs wafted through the door and her stomach complained loudly enough to wake the woman underneath her.

Lanie groaned, "What time is it? Damn, what day is it?"

Kate tittered before grabbing her head, "Oww, Who's making breakfast?"

The girls looked at each other guiltily and helped each other up before popping some pills, Kate's stronger than Lanie's, and stumbling into the kitchen.

"Morning!" Alexis greeted cheerily.

"Too loud, too early, Alexis," Kate huffed, rubbing her eyes, "And so not the day."

"Right," Alexis looked down and Lanie looked confused, but was still a little drunk from the night before so she let it slide.

They ate their breakfast in quiet conversation. Lanie went back to bed as soon as she was done eating, leaving the two capable women to clean up. Kate ducked into her room and brought out her phone once they had finished. She and Alexis sat across from each other, hand in hand, phone resting in the middle.

Kate checked the ringer every five minutes to make sure that it was on. Their eyes fixed to the screen as to not miss any phantom call.

When the phone finally went off the two girls jumped in their seats. It was an unknown number. Kate's hand shook as she picked up the device and slid her finger along the screen to answer the call.

"Beckett," She said firmly into the mic.

Alexis watched her face, anxiously awaiting the news.

When Kate hung up, she placed the phone on the table, her face a few shades whiter than just a couple minutes before.

"They have the DNA results back."

* * *

><p>AN:

Also, I promise that I'm a happy person, I just love sad stories! I think they're so poetic! Anyways, part of the reason why this took so long to get out is because I was making a plan, so now the whole story is figured out, you just have to sit back and relax! I hope you guys enjoy my perspective on how this would play out! I'll consider your suggestions for what you guys think should happen in the future, but, again, I have a plan.

I know you guys want Castle and Beckett together, but have patience. She just needs some space to breath, she has mini Castle right? That's practically the same thing. *note sarcasm

Is it bad that I'm changing the style of my writing in each chapter? Probably, but consistency is boring... actually consistency is awesome, I'm just not awesome. I so badly want to use emojis on these authors notes! Another random thought, anyone else like to try and figure out where people are from and things about them from their writing and authors notes? I do!

Random Thoughts? Angry Spouts? Suggestions?

Hit me!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Just got back from holidays through central Australia! If you guys ever have the opportunity to take a gap year, do it! 100% best life decision so far!

This chapter is kind of short, but I hope this is up to expectations! Enjoy.

* * *

><p>They have Tattoo Face in custody. She's standing behind the two way mirror, with the help of Alexis, looking at the face of her assailant with morbid curiosity. She's alarmed that she doesn't recognise his face. Actually, that's not true. There's a familiarity to him, something that she can't quite put her finger on and is not sure that she cares to.<p>

Regret radiates from the quiet man. She's looked at his rap sheet and seen clearly why his DNA was in the system. Unfortunately, the DNA they pulled from the rape kit only turned up for this man, but she was grateful to her lucky stars. He had been the key suspect in a murder investigation but been dismissed of the charges years ago, almost ten, actually. However, from the looks of things he had cleaned up his act. Before the murder charges he had a rap sheet out the window, but since then – nothing, hardly even a traffic violation. Beckett's eye brows furrowed as she stared into his milky eyes, "This doesn't make sense." She mumbled under her breath.

"Pardon me?" Alexis' voice jarred Kate's thoughts. She turned her eyes to her company repeating, "It doesn't make sense, why would he do this? He's been clean of any criminal activity for so many years. Why now?"

Alexis opened her mouth, possibly to offer a Castle-like theory, when there was a knock on the door. Alexis' head whipped to the door, back to Kate and to the door again. Feeling Alexis' unspoken question, Kate offered a tight nod of her head before the girl moved to let the man in. There was a shift in the air as he emotionally and physically replaced the girl before everything settled in a tangible tension.

"Kate?" Castle's voice was hoarse as he whispered her name and her eyes briefly fluttered shut as the week of silence broke.

She turned like in slow motion, her eyes locking with his for an instantaneous year.

"Lanie said you looked bad but… hell, Beckett." His voice grew louder, more angry as he continued, "You need to take care of yourself. You need to call me. You can't just run off on me again, we're engaged for Christ's sake!"

Kate cast her eyes down, shattering the tight anger in the room.

Castle's voice quieted again as he continued, "I was so worried. You need me, Beckett. You need to depend on me or you aren't going to make it through this."

He stepped closer and reached for her. Stiffening as she allowed him to pull her into a gentle and comforting embrace. She whispered into his ear, "I don't remember him at all, Rick. I'm a trained cop, years of my life have been dedicated to holding my head through intense trauma; to remembering all the details when I come out of life or death situations so I can convict killers, but I couldn't have even picked this guy out of a line up."

She pulled away as the officer in charge of her case stepped into the interrogation room and listened as the stranger pulled apart the intimate story, ripping her wounds fresh. She's ashamed that these men could overpower her. She prides herself on her strength; her ability to thrive in a male dominant world, she's not afraid of the worst criminals. She has stood up to brutal murders and professional killers just to fall flat before some man who is so weak he gives up every single detail he knows in a matter of hours.

"Michael, there's no way you took down a trained NYPD detective by yourself, especially if you were as intoxicated as you claim to have been. We have your DNA evidence, that's enough to put you away for years." The interrogating officer slapped pictures of injured Kate in front of the criminal as he continued, "Look at these photos, you're not going to convince any juror out there that this was consensual, especially considering that the DNA results showed multiple assailants. Just give us the names of the men who were with you, and I'll see what I can do about knocking a few years off your sentence."

Kate watched carefully as Michael's shaky hand came from below the table to caress against her face in the photo. Her hands clenched as she reigned in her anger at the officer who was allowing this man to take further possession of her through the picture, despite her knowledge that he was probably using his guilty conscious to juice the information.

"Steve," Michael's voice caught on the word and he cleared his throat before continuing, "Steve Rady, Max Tergesen, and Rickie Culp."

Kate's world fell away as the last name rolled off of Michael's lips. She looked at Castle, whose face turned sheet white before reddening in anger.

Rickie.

She reached her hand up and gently cupped his cheek, "It's not you, babe, you didn't do this to me. It's just a coincidence."

He pressed his cheek into her hand and whispered, "I'm so sorry, so sorry Kate. I don't… I wish I could…" He paused as his eyes flicked back and forth frantically between hers, "I wish I could protect you from everything."

"That's no way to live, Castle. I've learned that with everything we've been through. Nobody's tomorrow is guaranteed, so we have to live for today; not in the fear that tomorrow could be taken away, but in the joy that today I have life, I have you."

Blue eyes and hazel melted together. A thousand love songs simultaneously harmonizing as her hands cocooned his face and their love blossomed in the room. His eyes brimmed with tears as they, almost subconsciously, drifted together. Their foreheads touched, their eyes shut and they breathed each other in. Her nails scraped along his coarse cheek and climbed up to wrap around his ears.

Then, softly and with smiles, they, together as in everything, whispered, "I love you."

* * *

><p>This chapter has been itching at me, I wanted to add more, create more of an arch for the chapter, but this seemed like a natural finish. Plus writers block has been hitting me pretty hard, so I was hoping that posting this would give me some inspiration. I have some pretty exciting plans for where this story is going! I hope you guys see me out!<p>

Thoughts, please?


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: So this chapter is a little bit of an emotional roller coaster, just a warning, but considering that this whole story is a bit of a roller coaster… I promise things will get better! However, it is labelled an angst story for a reason! I have taken into consideration that there always needs to be hope, as some of you have suggested, so I have tried to layer that into the story as well. I'm loving the reviews! The good ones make me write more and the bad ones make me write better (I hope), so thank you for them all!

(Also I decided that Kate loves to swear… just because I think that's something she would do in real life a lot…)

Enjoy! (or not, I'm not your mum)

"We're fucking nowhere on the fifth guy. The other four have no idea who he is. They claim he… I don't know… coerced them into doing it? The four of them are close friends and have been clean for years. They all regret it, each to their own extent. They know each other, Michael and Max confirmed that, but they all claim to not know anything about the other man. This doesn't add up. Why was he there?" Kate paced Dr. Burke's office in painful steps, gnawing absentmindedly on her thumb as she spoke to him.

"That guy, the fifth guy, I know that if we find him, the pieces of the story will fit together. Why the men broke so many years of a clean record for that low crime. But he's gone. The DNA was a bust, unless he commits any major crimes we've got nothing to go on. Rickie and Steve lawyered up immediately and the sketches that Michael and Max gave us are both very different. Different heights and ages; their descriptions are worthless and I'm useless, I don't remember a thing." Kate had given up gnawing in favour of ringing her hands, "The car they transported me in was a bust; it's Michael's and when they tried to track where it went through the city they just ended up in some old warehouse on the wrong side of the tracks. It's been abandoned for years. We think they took two cars, they can't find the other one, and two different routes which indicate premeditation – but these guys are adamant that it just happened. That's another thing, all their fingerprints are everywhere in the warehouse, all except our fifth guy's. They can only find four sets."

"It's important that you find him." Burke's statement caused Beckett's ponderings to halt. The sound of her pacing filled the room, her unsteady footsteps loud against the silence of their voices.  
>Kate's voice was hesitant, picking out each word as she replied, "I need to understand why he did this, this can't have just happened to me for no reason."<p>

"Why does it need to make sense?"

Kate paused mid-step and pivoted to look at him, "I'm a homicide detective, these things matter."

"Yes, but can you tell me why?"

Kate looked carefully at Burke's face before sighing and sitting on the arm of her chair.

"I've been a mess; no work so no distractions. I've found it difficult to face him." Kate paused to look out the window, and when she didn't continue Burke prodded, "Him?"

There was another long beat and when Kate's eyes still hadn't left the window, he continued,  
>"Castle? Your father?"<p>

"Ryan, Esposito, all of them. I don't understand. I lov- … trust each of them with my life. Why is it so difficult to be around them? The walls close in, my lungs constrict, my legs turn to jelly, my mind fogs until it's difficult to think of anything except for how to breathe."

"And me?"

Kate's gaze turned towards the therapist, surprised, "You?"

"You're breathing, talking with me, Kate, you're facing your fears in here with me."

"Fears?" Kate's brows furrowed in questioning, trying to catch up with his train of thought, "You mean, you think I'm afraid of them? They're male, so you think that I'm afraid of them? Of Castle, who couldn't hurt a fly? Of my father?"

"What I'm saying is women who have experienced what you have often feel emotionally overwhelmed and, like you, are frightened by-"

"Frightened?" Kate jumped to her feet at the word, "I'm not _scared_, I chase murders for a living."

"And still you were overpowered."

"I was outnumbered" Kate's reply was sharp as she held his gaze.

Burke stayed strong and confident, eyes never wavering as he questioned, "Why?"

"Why was I outnumbered?"

"Why do you need him? You have the other four."

Kate sighed and slumped into the large chair, threading her fingers through her hair to stall for her response.

"Justice," She whispered, "He did something bad, he needs to pay," She explained like as to a child, "He can't be allowed to do this to anyone else." She drew her hands away from her hair and fingered the hem of her shirt before slowly bringing it up to expose her sunken stomach. The dozens of small scars that had been red a week and a half ago now sat white and puckered. She then reached to her long sleeves and pulled them up to reveal angry red marks of self-hatred and numbness along her arm.

"What if you never catch him? Should your happiness depend on whether he's behind bars?"  
>Kate stood slowly, emotional exhaustion setting in her bones, and limped towards the mirror facing the window. She truly looked at her face for what felt like the first time since that fateful night. Her eyes sunk into her skull, one black and the other a still recovering swollen red, both yellow from exhaustion and malnutrition. Her cheekbones cut almost as sharply as her jawline across her face. She brought her right hand up to feel along her collarbone which too distinctly ran from shoulder to shoulder. Her left hand caught her right and they held each other, feeling with each hand the other's too distinct bones and blood vessels.<p>

"You're saying I should give up, take what I can get?"

"What I am saying Kate, is that you need to start healing."

* * *

><p>She had been standing at the door, hand poised to knock for a good thirty seconds before she mustered up the courage to put fist to timber. The noise, though created by her, was sharp enough and loud enough to make her cringe.<p>

Her and Alexis were off to the cinemas, they both wanted to check out the new X-Men movie, neither of them wanting to admit that their attraction to Hugh Jackman was almost rivaled by the beautiful and charismatic Jennifer Lawrence.

"Please be Alexis. Please be Alexis. Please be Alexis," She whispered quietly under her breath as she bounced lightly on the balls of her feet.

Her breath was washed away when not the girl, but her father opened the door. His eyes captured hers and all her fears disintegrated.

A vague voice drifted in from the living room. Under the thundering of her heartbeat in her ears she heard, "Is that Kate?"

"Yeah," Castle breathed, not really loud enough for Alexis to hear, but he was too preoccupied by their wordless conversation to put any effort into his response.

He was as handsome as ever.

She looked like she had been to hell and back.

His eyes glowed with love and sorrow, despite the darkness that marred below them, speaking of long, sleepless nights full of worry.

Hers had trouble focusing on his; their usual spark dulled. The dramatic eyeliner she usually donned only managed to make her look more haunted.

He had a tentative whip of a smile gracing his mouth

Her bottom lip quivered slightly as she opened it.

"Hey, Castle." She whispered.

His eyes widened marginally in surprise at the delayed greeting, "Beckett." He responded in a soft tone.

Alexis soon arrived at the door beside her father, but neither of the couple took their eyes off each other, even as Alexis gave Castle a side hug and a kiss on the cheek goodbye.

Kate's eyes were finally drawn from the intoxicating blue when Alexis grabbed her hand to bring her along to the elevator. She jerked at the unexpected and unforeseen touch and pulled her hand quickly from its restraint. Kate held her hand protectively in the cave of her torso as she briefly hunched, ready to defend herself from any imminent attack before recognizing the safety of her situation.

As soon as her senses came around, she straightened, flustered, embarrassed and wanting to ignore the worried gazes of Alexis and Castle. Before she knew it she was on her tippy toes on her way to giving Castle an automatic, chaste kiss goodbye, eager to leave as quickly as possible. She realized what she was doing half way there, but the momentum she had picked up did not allow her to stop. She fell into Castle's strong arms, her tight lips pressed into his which opened slightly in shock. Tingles flew down her spine and she struggled to keep her eyes from fluttering shut.

She quickly righted herself, stumbling slightly as she caught her footing and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

The three stood there in a shocked silence before Alexis spoke up.

"Well that was unexpected," She joked awkwardly before drawing a tight lipped smile and firmly dragging Kate towards the stairs. No way were they waiting for an elevator now.

As soon as they entered the stairwell and the door had shut, Alexis spun around to look at Kate.

"What was that?" She asked excitedly.

"What was what?"

Alexis shot a look that asked Kate if she was stupid.

Kate rolled her eyes, "It was a knee jerk reaction. Come on, we're going to be late."

"No, no, no, that can't be it, we can't just leave it at that!" Alexis said excitedly.

"Yes, yes, yes, we can. I'm not talking about kissing your father with you! Sweetie, you're worse than Lanie." Kate's responded, starting down the stairs.

"Fine, well I'm telling Lanie. Oh man, she's going to have a field day about this." Alexis pulled out her phone, ready to text the revealing information when Kate whirled around and yanked the device from her fingers.

"Don't."

It was then that Alexis noticed the tears were begging to be released from Kate's eyes.

"I can't… I need to process, Alexis." Kate begged, desperately hoping that the girl would not dig any further.

Alexis hesitated, considering the situation before regretfully continuing her decent of the stairs.

Kate breathed a huge sigh of relief and slumped against the wall to gain some composure before following the young woman down.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Kate dropped Alexis at home before stopping by the liquor store and buying two bottles of rum. By the end of the night there was no way she was going to remember her name. Or the fear that overwhelmed her when Rick's lips touched hers; how the flashback she got in that moment sent her back to the depths of that warehouse; what it felt like to have knives caress her delicate skin as they attacked her mouth with theirs. Or that face, because while remembering would allow her to eject vengeance on her assailants, not remembering was the best thing she could wish for.<p>

So much for healing.

Maybe tomorrow.

* * *

><p>"Castle. Castlee? Castle! Answer the doooor." Kate slurred knocking on the wood, but unlike earlier in the day, there were no nerves wracking her system. Just alcohol.<p>

"Where are you Castle? Did you diee? Solm-," She stumbled and hiccuped, "Solmetime bad things happen. Castle! Open the door! I'm here to talk to you. I've got things I gotta say, man!"

Suddenly, the door handle became very interesting. She leaned down to get a closer look, but lost her balance. It was the moment that she fell against the door, momentarily stunned before finding immense humour in the situation, that Castle finally opened the door.

"Kate?" He croaked, wiping his eyes drowsily.

Laughing, Kate gestured to herself, "Look! I fell." Her laughing became hysteric before turning into violent sobs, "Why do bad things always happen to me? Falling sucks, Castle."

Castle offered his hand to help her up asking, "Why don't you come inside? Preferably before you wake the whole building."

"Shh Castle! People are sllll- sleep. We gotta be QUIET!" She yelled the last word and fell into another fit of laughter. Her head wavered as she focused on the hand offered to her. "What's that for?"

"I'm helping you up, Beckett." Castle explained patiently.

"_I'm helping you up, Beckett_," she mocked, "I'm perfff- perfectly capable of getting up on my - by myself" she grabbed onto the door handle, rested a hand on the doorframe and tried to struggle to her feet. After three attempts, she rolled onto her hands and knees and crawled into his apartment muttering something about a couch.

Castle took a deep breath and shut the door. He followed her zig zagged approach to the couch, pressing his hand into the side of her head occasionally as she bumped into various objects.

Finally making it to the couch, she placed both hands on the cushions and heaved her torso up. She shimmied so that her body was sitting semi-comfortably and patted the space next to her, "Sit nesst to me, Casstle."

He looked at her warily before walking to the kitchen to grab a large bowl and heeding to her request.

"Do you know why I'm here?" Kate looked at the man next to her with as serious an expression as a highly intoxicated person can give.

"No, Kate, I have no idea why you showed up at my apartment at three o'clock in the morning piss drunk."

"I'm here to give you whatever you want." Kate smiled drunkenly and opened her arms in invitation. "Whatevvverrr. What d'ya want from me, Castle?" She asked in as sexy a voice as she could manage.

"Nothing, I don't want anything from you my darling."

Kate rolled her eyes and stuttered, "That's not possicle. Possissle. Poss. Si. Ble. Possible." She giggled, "There's only one thing guys ever want from me." She gestured along her body.

"I love you, Castle. So you can jusst take it. I won't even bother you. I mean be a bother." She wagged her finger at him and raised her eyebrows enticingly. "I'm not even gonna scream." She smiled lazily at him and looked down at her clothes. She clumsily grabbed at the bottom her shirt and pulled it over her head as Castle looked on in horror. The action made her dizzy and she started to heave. He lunged for the bowl and shoved it in front of her face just in time to catch most of her vomit. He laid a comforting hand on her back and rubbed as she emptied the meagre contents of her stomach.

After she had finished she collapsed on Castle's shoulder, exhausted.

"Ya know, I think I might mremember him. When I kissed you earlier today I got this horrible, horrible flashback to when I was rrr…" She pushed herself off of him and curled into the corner of the couch. Castle grabbed a nearby blanket and laid it around Kate and then settled back across from her.

"I saw a face, and rec-og-nised it from somewhere. I can't hremember where, but what I do wremember is thinkin' he was hot. I aremember there was somethin' about him that was so inviting, and the way he looked at me," She began fiddling with a strand of her hair, "I could've been the sexiest woman alive." She sighed, "But later I resized… realized that it had nothin' on the way that you look at me, Richard Castle." The hair lost its appeal to his hand lying across the couch and she gently stroked his fingers sitting there. "You love me more than life itself."

"Yeah," He whispered softly, "I do."

Her eyes shut and head slumped back, but just when he was sure she had fallen asleep, she convulsed again and spewed into the already soiled bowl. She coughed and spit some residual vomit from her mouth and then laid her head back on the couch.

"I can barely do this Castle. I so desperately don't wanna disappoint you, but I am. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not enough, Castle. Not enough." Those final two words slipped out with a yawn and finally she fell asleep.

"Kate?" Castle whispered and waited for a response, but got nothing.

"You're perfect, Kate."

* * *

><p>AN: So when I'm reading stories on here I always try and pick out where an author is from by the words that they use. For example, Americans spell it color, the British call it rubbish, and Australians have horrible grammar (I'm sorry, I know it's not all of you, but it's true) Where do you guys think I'm from… Or do you not even care? I don't know, maybe it's just me! *Insert emoji of monkey holding hands over his eyes here*

Anyways, let me know how I'm doing! Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N - Possible trigger warning - Self Harm

I hate that I need to post trigger warnings. Not because I don't want to warn people; I understand why reading this could be emotionally difficult, but because people need to be warned. I hate that there's a reality out there where people have been though so much shit. I wish that I could keep everyone in their own little bubble where they would be happy and healthy and no one bad would want to hurt them or make them feel worthless.

You're not worthless, you're beautiful.

* * *

><p>Kate's head was pounding and her throat was dry. The bright, young light of sunrise cut right through her shut eyelids and pierced her brain which was working very slowly, probably a result of the brain cells she destroyed the night before. Her whole body ached, but less than it normally did, thanks to the alarmingly fluffiness of her surroundings. She was in a cocoon of warmth, softness and safety.<p>

Kate smiled and snuggled more deeply into whatever cloud she had woken up in. What cloud was she in? Isn't she supposed to be at Lanie's apartment?

"What's the last thing you remember? Think, Kate, Think. Of course you could always just open your eyes," She thought to herself, "But the light's already hurting them, and I'm so comfortable," She debated before deciding to work it out with her eyes closed, "So, I went to the store and grabbed some Captain Morgan and then…" She huffed and threw a pillow over her eyes, "Then what? What did you do Kate?"

An alarming thought popped into her head. She sat bolt upright before cowering back into the headboard of the bed she was in.

"Kate?" Came a groggy voice beside her, "You're safe," It continued with a yawn as the owner slowly woke up. "Oh! Kate." Someone grasped at her shoulders trying to calm her down, but it was all she could do to refrain from beating them to death, so she settled for a solid knee to the groin.

"AURGG," the voice shouted in pain. That voice, there's something familiar about it, something that pulled in Kate's gut and all of her instincts told her to help it; above all else she must protect the owner of that voice.

Her dancing eyes finally stopped to truly grasp the situation in front of her. She was in the guest room of Castle's loft and there, in front of her, lay the man himself, face distorted in pain and hands clutching his crotch.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes and dozens of apologies later found Kate and Castle sitting on the couch, Castle with an ice pack, Kate a bottle of aspirin and both very large coffees in hand.<p>

They had been sitting in silence, watching each other over the rims of their cups when she spoke softly, "What happened?"

"When?"

Rolled her eyes but answered anyways, "Last night."

Castle mumbled nonsense into his cup and leaned over to pick up a newspaper.

Kate reached over and plucked it away from him, placing the newspaper back on the coffee table, "Please tell me."

"It won't do you any good to know, it's over Kate. Leave it be."

Kate's eyes widened, "So I did something pretty bad then?"

Castle began to study his mug like it contained the blueprints to Kate's heart

"You know you're going to tell me."

The designs were so elaborate, beautiful.

"Castle," her sharp tone made him look up in surprise, "I need to know," she took a deep breath to prepare herself, "Because I next time the bottle seems the easiest way out, I need a reason not to do it again."

"I can't, Beckett." His tone held finality

She huffed and stood. Before long they found themselves standing five feet apart, both bodies ridged with hostility. Kate needed to know – to fill in another piece of the puzzle that had become her memory and they both, for once, were hell bent on getting their way.

"You don't fucking know me, Castle! This is my life." Kate shouted and stormed angrily into the study, cup of coffee in hand.

"I do know you, and I know what's good for you. That ring on your finger, Kate? Yeah, I put it there because I love you and because I want what's best for you." Castle argued as he waddled after her, icepack held in place.

"No, you're wrong I have a _right _to know what happened last night," She hissed, "I don't get to get away with the things simply because I don't remember what happened. Tell. Me."

"_No_, I love you too much to do that to you."

"I'm a big girl, Castle, I can handle it."

"You can't. You can't handle everything by yourself, and if I tell you than you'll just leave me again."

"Oh really, you're bringing that up now? Which leaving are you talking about, Castle, because clearly I'm just too damaged for you."

"You're not too anything for me, Beckett, I'm in this and I know you are, and that means staying and working through these things together, that means you have to trust me that _you don't want to know_."

"I trust you with my life! Now you have to trust me with this!" Kate shouted.

"This is _MY_ cross to bear, Katherine Beckett. _Mine._" Castle bellowed.

"_NO_!"

Castle watched as Kate drew up her hand behind her head and whipped her cup of coffee at him from across the room, barely ducking in time before it shattered behind his head. He looked at her in shock and saw the same emotion mirrored across her face.

* * *

><p>Five Hours Later<p>

Castle and Beckett stood in front of her apartment, hand in hand, "Well I guess this is it." Kate murmured. It was the first time she had been back there since _that night_ and for some reason she was feeling nervous. It felt symbolically huge that she was walking in there with Castle, like she was both throwing away and gaining her independence simultaneously. There was something else that was itching at her, similar to how she felt when they were nearing the end of a case. Like she was missing one piece of the puzzle that would tie her nervousness together, make it all make sense.

Kate took a deep breath and a step forward, tugging Castle with her. The instant she entered the building the smell assaulted her nostrils. It was overwhelming and terrifying; she left her body and saw it crumple to the floor, Castle grasping at her arm so her head wouldn't hit the floor boards. In her mind's eye she exited the building and flew up into the sky. It was dark and stormy, lightning flashed all around her as she flew over the city. She didn't know where she was going; just that she didn't have a good feeling about it. She wanted to get back to Castle, where it was safe.

The smell slowly took over each sense; the familiar leftover coffee taste dissipated, Castle's firm grip on her body loosened and fell away, the loud thunder faded out to nothing, as she entered an eerily familiar warehouse it got darker and darker until even the blinding lightning did nothing to her irises and she was left alone with that horrific smell. It sharply pierced into her skull as what could be considered memories but were in actual fact only hazy figures, quiet whispers, painful pricks, metallic tastes and that strong smell.

She stayed in that haze of panic, fear and helplessness for much longer than she would have liked, and almost unbearable length of time, but as the other senses returned she guessed it had only been a couple of minutes.

She was in her bed clutching at Castle's lapels when her subdued trembling and fragile tears grew into wracking sobs, her body convulsing in pain.

Castle did what he knew from a lifetime of comforting women, he held her. Whispering nonsense sentences into her hair, each finished with loving kisses planted to the crown of her scalp.

* * *

><p>Four hours later<p>

It had taken ages to get Castle to leave, but she needed time to process the emotional day.

Process is probably too kind a word for what she had planned to recover. Castle had made her eat two meals that day so when Kate looked into the mirror she was horrified. That, she decided, was what she was going to deal with first. So, in a now well practiced motion, she knelt down in front of the toilet, glared at her reflection in the water, and plunged her fingers down her throat.

It was only when tears were streaming down her face, and the entire dark contents of her stomach lay wholly in the white, porcelain bowl that she let her body fall back.

She lay on the cool tile of the bathroom breathing slowly, deliberately. The cold seeped in past the thin tank top that covered her body and festered itself into her back. She shivered but the numbing cold just fit in with the her heart so she stayed there absently contemplating her next move. Trying to discourage herself but only succeeding in making the urge stronger. Her thumb brushed against the fresh scars on her wrists. She pressed her nail into a cut and felt a thrill as it stung for an instant.

She sat up slowly, blood rushing to her head, and wiped her eyes habitually. She meandered into the kitchen and found the knives on the counter; it had been a couple days since she had used a real one, since Lanie hid hers. Grabbing the biggest one she could find, she held it to her hollowed stomach marveling at the size and ferocity it had next to her pale skin. She didn't want to, honestly she didn't, but there was nothing else that cured her current state of emptiness.

* * *

><p>The next day<p>

Kate and Dr. Burke had been sitting in relative silence for twenty minutes. She had requested a session, but besides the one worded answers to his open ended questions, she had not said a word.

Until, "It's not enough."

"What's not enough, Kate?"

"Four out of five is not acceptable. I can't live my life knowing that he's still out there. That he could do it again to another woman, or worse, girl. What if, next time, he sees Alexis. That girl, she… and Castle would..." She trailed off, but Burke didn't push, just let her continue on her own time.

"It's not even about Alexis. It could be anyone's little girl, and it's my job as a cop to protect them, to take killers of the street."

"He's not a killer."

Kate looked up in surprise, "I know that," She replied, almost defensively, "But I have the tools, the training and the drive to take him down. I have vivid nightmares about _that night_, but I wake up and all I know is that I'm scared. I don't remember any useful details. You can help me with that, you can make me remember. I need your help to lock him up."

* * *

><p>AN: I'm so sorry that this one is serious, nothing to break up the angst but that's just how it wanted to be written.

Am I moving this story too slowly? Is there too much angst? I don't have much planned for this story besides the angst... but I could change it up a bit if that's what you guys want. Let me know and I'll see how your requests fit in the direction I want this to go!

I appreciate every one of your reviews, thank you! I'd reply, but to be honest this website confuses me to no end...

Have a great week!


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Kate sat curled up at the headboard of her large bed, her fluffy blankets engulfed her. The feeling of safety, of being protected by her comfortable surroundings, was intense. It was such a relief after an incredibly challenging week. Her emotional highs had felt like they would sustain her for years, her lows made her seriously consider if any of it was truly worth it. But her present emotions lay subdued as she sat there quiet and alone. Old tear tracks streaked along her face from hours ago. If anyone were there they might have thought she was asleep.

* * *

><p>The day after telling her psychiatrist she needed to find their final guy, she had gone bowling with Alexis and nearly had a panic attack when a guy bumped into her by accident. Five minutes later she was laughing so hard there were tears streaming down her face.<p>

Alexis had bought her a hot dog and forced her to take a bite before she went up to bowl. Kate threw it in the garbage as soon as Alexis had her back turned. The taste of hot dog lingered on her tongue for hours afterwards.

The two then headed to Central Park, a place they both usually avoided because of the tourists, for a long walk. Alexis had sat her down on a bench and disclosed the fears she had in Paris; the fears of facing the same physical assault that Kate had. Kate listened with patience, kindness and understanding but after she had dropped Alexis off at her father's she spent an hour and a half burning off her anger at the gym before falling under the knife again. She felt angry at the world that so many women faced the same fear and threat and that her failings meant that there were women out there that could have the same fate as Kate if she didn't find _him_.

She went home that night, careful to use the back entrance for fear of catching wiff of that smell, and set up an investigation board that she spent hours poring over.

* * *

><p>Castle had come over the next day bringing a bowl of soup he unsuccessfully tried to get her to eat. They sat for hours in front of her nearly empty board trying to find a lead before Castle broke down beside her and disclosed his feelings of unworthiness and helplessness. "I would pay every single penny I have to bring that man to justice," he passionately declared as he looked soulfully into her eyes. Those beautiful, aged eyes which expressed so much love to her it hurt. Then she had became aware of his alluring proximity and warmth, his strong hand resting gently on her knee. Her eyes glanced to his lips, soft and inviting; there was a familiar coiling in her stomach as her hand came up and stroked his silky hair.<p>

Kate recognised a whirlwind of emotions flicker on Castles face, surprise had dominated them all though. She had balked, guilty, as she remembered why she wasn't supposed to feel lust. She jumped up and away from him.

"Wait, Kate," he had started before she darted into her room and shut the door firmly behind her, sinking down against it.

"I'm sorry Kate, please come out," Castle had pleaded for nearly an hour before going silent and mirroring her actions against the door. Kate had not said a word. She had hardly moved since the door had shut. The guilt was eating her from the inside, out and it took all her energy to refrain from crying or grabbing the razor, which sat in the bathroom not ten feet away, and forcing herself to be distracted by a different kind of pain.

They sat there together for what seemed like ages until Castle sighed exhaustedly and clamored up to leave. He paused at the door whispering, "I love you". Kate's ears strained to hear, but they caught his declaration.

It opened the floodgates and Kate cleansed herself in all the ways she knew how; cold steel sliced into her arm pumping endorphins through her body.

* * *

><p>She assumed she had another nightmare that night because when she woke up her sheets were tangled at her feet and sweat made her skin slick, however she had become accustomed to waking up in such a fashion.<p>

Her and Alexis tried to have a movie day, but Kate had called it quits after the first, _Tangled_, which had drawn unfathomable amounts of tears for such a tame movie. They headed to the mall after, but a pet shop drew Kate inconsolable as she wept over the puppies taken too early from their mother. A stop by at Starbucks had Kate's face red with anger as she stormed out of the store after screaming at the barista for getting her order wrong. Heading to Kate's house they tried for a round of poker, but Alexis was able to read her like a book.

They stopped by Kate's doctor on their excursion. He the conclusion she would be ready for active duty in a week, adding that she should avoid any excess physical exertion and making one last appointment to remove her stitches a few days later. The news overwhelmed Kate and she cried tears of joy with a passion that neither Alexis nor the doctor was expecting.

Kate later expressed her frustrations about her whirlwind emotions to Lanie over a couple of glasses of celebratory wine. The two of them sat on the couch until the early hours in the morning talking about anything and almost everything. They passed out midtopic curled up on their respective ends of the couch.

* * *

><p>Lanie and Kate prepared a marvellous breakfast the next morning, though Kate had mostly coffee and vomited her few bites of food later. When she got home she sat in meditation trying to retrieve her memories. She sat cross-legged and completely still; opening her mind to that painful night, but the only thing that came to her was that horrific smell which had Kate retching over the toilet at an almost daily basis now.<p>

After that she headed to her appointment with Dr. Burke which went well, all things considered. They had decided that the best thing for her would be to go back to work on desk duty where she would be able to be in a position of purpose and control, but she would still have to see him on a regular basis as she worked out her issues. They would take things one day at a time and address any issues as they came along.

She rode an hour long high after the pleasing news but spent the rest of the day in the depths of depression.

* * *

><p>So there she sat. Her bedding not the only thing engulfing her.<p>

* * *

><p>Anger was the only thing that ever blocked out the depression these days and it boiled deeply when Castle once again showed up at her doorstep bringing food and flowers.<p>

She blew up irrationally in his face yelling, "You don't know me, Castle! You don't know what I need. I need you to leave me alone. I just need to be alone today". But as she turned away from him to storm into the living room to bask in her depression on the couch again, she left the door open to him.

"Stop following me," she huffed as he timidly crept her apartment, "you get off on it, don't you? Following me around like a love drunk puppy, you're sick. Surely you must have something better to do with your life, no point in you waiting around another four years. You've already had your fill of this, Castle," She motioned down her body, "I doubt you'll be getting action any time soon. Give it up, babe."

Castle had heard Alexis' stories of her emotional day and was unsurprised by this reaction, but he was taken aback when, after her spout, she collapsed into tears; he was wholly unaccustomed to the teary version of Kate. He made his way slowly over to her, like one might approach a skittish cat, and gently lay a hand on her heaving back. He sunk down beside her and began to whisper in her ear.

Kate's sobs slowed and stopped as she began to register what he was saying. She sniffled, wiped her nose on the back of her hand, reminding Castle of a younger Alexis, and looked questioningly at Castle.

"What's that?" She asked.

"What's what?" He returned, confused.

"What's that you were saying?"

"It's a song, I was singing you a song." He told her patiently.

"How did it go?"

He looked deep into her eyes and in a low, rumbling voice he recited, "Never let a woman go even though you know she can always be replaced, she can always be replaced. Lust only grows like anger and revenge. Beauty comes and goes but love stays until the end."

Kate began to gain her composure when she noticed she was sitting up in a mannar it bore a striking similarity to two nights ago. Castle continued.

"I wrote you a song Mississippi Isabelle; I even sent you flowers when you felt ill. You've the strength of the Greeks, you are God's masterpiece. You're every triumph, every victory; I believe in every breath you breathe."

Kate gazed at him with adoring eyes. There was pain residing deep in her soul, but those words meant everything to her. They were everything she needed to hear and everything she doubted in herself. She brought a shaky hand up to his face and smoothed her thumb across his lips shushing his perfect words. How did his words always find a ways to sooth her in the worst of times? It was uncanny. She brought her other hand up to cup his face, smoothing out his gentle wrinkles with her thumb. She slid her hands around and gently scratched at the soft hair behind his ears. His eyes fluttered shut with the sensation. His openness and trust astounded her. She searched his face for any sign of anger at her outbreak. She found none. She began to study his face with intense concentration; the curve of his lips, their colour, their texture. Okay, she began to study his lips with intense concentration. He sat there, patiently waiting, as always. A hint of a smile quirked at her mouth as she leaned forward and brushed her lips against his.

That feeling, oh that feeling; the ecstasy that rushed through her veins, the defiance against the man who had been haunting her, the love that threatened to stop her heart: it all sent her on her highest high.

Their lips danced languidly in the soft light of the room. When they stopped, her grin could have lit a thousand watt bulb. But it faded as she spoke, "I need to tell you something."

Kate said as she rolled up her sleeve.

* * *

><p>Castle had a much more dramatic reaction to the news that Kate had been cutting herself than she would have hoped, but after Kate had threatened him with her gun, he managed to refrain from checking her into a mental institution and even from telling her doctors after she batted her round hazel eyes at him. He settled with the promise to come home with him and to spend at least the night with Alexis.<p>

* * *

><p>When she sauntered down to the kitchen the next morning Alexis and Castle were sitting having cups of coffee and an animated discussion about Star Wars. Their discussion stopped abruptly as she picked up a ready-made cup for herself from the bench and joined them on the couch. Alexis smiled, "You didn't have a nightmare last night. That's that first time, at least with me."<p>

"Yeah," Kate replied, "I slept really well, thanks." Her eyes darted to catch Castle as she expressed her gratitude.

"What were you guys debating?"

A long discussion over the validity that Luke and Hans could have survived the night on the ice world of Hoth ended Kate and Castle eye to eye in mostly joking confrontation. Quickly, hostel feelings were replaced by the familiar spark of sexual tension as the memory of the night before drew a heat into their bodies.

Who knows what that moment might have led to if it weren't for their classic interruption as Alexis cleared her throat and said, "Hey guys, yup, sittin' right here."

The two became flustered and sat up straight, covering their blushes with the large coffee cups in hand.

Kate was sitting in the living room reading Jane Eyre and listening to the mostly consistent clicking of the keys on Castle's keyboard in the room next door. She was just getting to the part where Jane was leaving the orphanage when she heard the clicking stop. She looked up, patiently waiting for another stroke of inspiration to hit her fiancé, but instead heard his chair being pushed away from his desk. She sighed and feigned reading as Castle slunk out of his office and into the kitchen.

Kate watched as he flittered around aimlessly for a couple of moments before subtly heading for the slab of knifes on the kitchen counter, picked them up and hid it behind his back as he made his way back to the office. Kate put down her book and spoke, "Castle, come here."

Castle looked guilty but came as she had beckoned.

"I think," she paused, "I think you don't have to worry about that anymore." Kate said with a shy smile.

Castle cocked his head and asked, "Why?"

Kate leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss, "That's why," she whispered, "Because when I do that, it makes me feel so much better than when I do this." She guided his fingers along her wrist.

Castle searched her eyes for the truth and after a moment replied, "I believe that you believe that, but what if one day I'm not around. Or not enough."

"You will always be enough, and I will have to be strong until you come around, because this," she said, gesturing to herself again, "Is no longer an option. You helped me see that last night."

Castle still looked doubtful, so Kate gently took the knives from him and placed them on the table. She squared his shoulders against the back of the couch and straddled his lap. "I'm in control, I have this," She thought to herself as she calmed herself against the sexuality of the situation.

"You have been fixing me for years," she said, locking eyes with him, "You make me feel beautiful and intelligent. You worked harder for me than any man has before; you make me feel like I'm worth the work. Richard Alexander Castle I love you."

And then she leaned down and their lips met all unlike they had the first time or the second. They met in whole new way.

When she finally drew away they were both breathless.

"Do you believe me now, love?" Kate asked as she curled into his side.

"Mmhm," He hummed his agreement, laying a tender kiss into her hair.

It wasn't perfect. And it might not even last. But for now, it was enough.

* * *

><p>AN: Sorry it's been a while, I'm trying to improve for you guys. Making the story as good as I can. Hopefully I'll improve/continue to improve. Hope you like this chapter and are intrigued with where it's going.

Would love to hear your thoughts!


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