As the World Turns 1. The Pleasure in Pain

The doorbell had dinged once

**A/N: So this is rated mature…if sexual situations offend you…stop reading. This is my first real smut scene…so if it sucks, sorry…I hope you enjoy!**

The doorbell had dinged once…and by the time she made it down the stairs, her porch was occupied only by a small silver package with a dark blue bow. Lifting it up she looked around quizzically for the owner. Picking it up she assumed it was for one of the kids and after slamming the door she opened the flap to see which room to drop it off at. The scrawl made her heart stop…never would she thought her heart would race at the sight of her own name.

It was if the world had stopped in that moment, like time stood still and she clutched the small packaged against the steady thud of her heart. She held it close to her up the stairs, down the hall, through her room. She locked the door and slowly walked to her bed trying to remember to breathe.

Her hands trembled and she caught the tears in her throat. Her fingers slid under the wrapping, tearing it slowly, afraid to see what was inside. When the paper was off she was left with a small white gift box. For a moment she contemplated not opening it…so scared that once she did, she wouldn't be able to stop something her brain told her was wrong…especially as her heart screamed yes.

He shouldn't have done it…it wasn't right…but right seemed to be getting him on the fast track to nowhere. He no longer had a wife, his kids were refusing to see him….and he didn't have her. Sitting by the pond he thought of them saying goodbye…one last touch, her hand in his…he could still feel the electricity coursing through their skin. Being with her had been like having all his nerves exposed…so much pleasure in so much pain.

They couldn't be together…it was the only thing they could agree on…neither willing to hurt anyone else they loved…so instead they hurt themselves. He couldn't get her out of his head, his thoughts plagued by the shades of blue in her eyes, the way she moaned his name like it was gospel as he slipped inside of her. One more time…that was all he needed, one more night…their final goodbye.

A letter on cream stationary sat in the box. Her fingers shook as she pulled the letter out of the box. She ran her finger over the familiar handwriting, almost scared to read the words. She blinked back the tears, the wanting to hear his voice in her head stronger then the fear of what he might say.

_Carly,_

_I know you told me to stay away, and I have…I've tried to believe that one day I will wake up not wishing you were in my arms. I know why we're doing this…I know it's the right thing but I just can't handle with the way we left things…I can't just let us say goodbye that way. I need to see you…and before you say no, please, I need just one last time, no one around to interfere…please Carly, let us say goodbye right. _

_Here is the key to the suite you stayed in Manhattan…if you don't come, no hard feelings…but I'll be waiting…Saturday, 5:00._

_Holden_

Tears wet the paper, and she quickly moved it before the ink smudged taking it slowly to her nose, wondering if it smelled like him…she knew it was wrong…to still want him so bad…but she couldn't stop…and so she pulled the key card out from the bottom of the box, she forgot to care about right or wrong.

His bag was packed, he didn't know if she would be there but he had to go…he had to hope that he would be able to hold her in his arms one last time…to feel the way her heart beat against his, so in synch…it would be the touch that would have to last a lifetime.

Sitting in the suite was like having someone take a knife and plunge it into his heart every second tick on the clock. The two hours after 5:00 were the worse, realizing she hadn't shown up made his world fall off the axis…he had known there was a chance, but living it had become mental hell.

When the clock struck seven, he gave up. Grabbing his wallet he decided to go drown in a bottle. Punching the elevator button he rested his head against the wall. He didn't look up until he heard the elevator ding and the doors start to open.

Wide blue eyes filled with so many conflicting emotions met stormy green ones.

"You came" he stated his voice husky causing a torrent of goose bumps to come alive on her skin.

Nodding, "I wasn't…I had decided not to…and I couldn't…I couldn't let you think that I didn't…that I didn't want you too"

A strong hand cupped her cheek; the hard of his hands meeting the satin of her skin was near ecstasy. How could she feel so much pleasure from so much pain?

Pulling back he just stared at her for a first couple moments. She didn't know what it was about this man that had her all jumbled up inside…half the time she didn't know if she was coming or going but for right now all she wanted to do was let him wrap her in his embrace and let him ease the hurt away.

"You're so beautiful" he whispered pushing a strand of hair out of her face before taking her hand on leading her to the suite.

She couldn't explain the nervousness of it all…she was far from a virgin but with Holden it almost seemed like the first time every time. Every touch, every kiss, every look…it was like it was the first time she had felt any of it.

He held the door opened and she quietly walked through. It was strange being in this room with him, this time she wasn't fighting her feelings, she was letting them wash over her like a baptism…cleaning her, freeing her.

After he closed the door he came to her slowly, his lips capturing hers hungrily. She got lost in the kiss her hand wound tightly in his down like hair. Her fingers slid down the broadness of his shoulders to the buttons of his shirt. His hands came and covered hers.

"Not yet"

"Okay"she said the hurt in her chest coming out in the tone of her voice.

Slowly he lifted her eyes to his, "Tonight, I want you to be mine Carly, all mine. I want to hold your hand walking down the street, to look into your eyes over the table. For all the men to look at me and be jealous because I have the most beautiful woman in the room"

The words came over her like a warm breeze over the mountains on a cold winter day…it shook through her whole body, healing cracks in herself that she had forgotten she had. How was she just supposed to let it go like it had meant nothing?

"So, will you let me do that, please" his asked his voice dropped to a low baritone.

Tears were pooled in her eyes, "For tonight Holden…I can be everything you want me to be… I'm yours"

"Good"

It was almost surreal, the fact that she became even more beautiful as the minutes ticked away…the candlelight dancing across her face, the moonlight bathing her perfect alabaster skin. It was a night he would hold in his heart forever…the night he would relive when life became too much of a burden.

"Are you serious?" she asked smiling.

He stood next to the carriage, "What is New York without a carriage ride through Central Park?"

That garnered a grin as she made a move to climb up.

"Need some help" he whispered his hot breath on her ear bringing back memories she had fought so hard to repress.

His hands came to her tiny waste and gently lifted her to the seat, her skin tingly where he touched her. The wind made her shiver and he pulled her close to him her head lying on his chest. It was silent most of the ride, each content with just a stolen moment of peace. She was sad when it ended, but when he lifted her out and twirled her around she smiled wide at this man who made her wish for a different time, a different place.

"I've missed that" he said putting her down the mischief dancing in those evergreen eyes.

"What"

A finger came to trace the plumpness of her lips, "That smile" he said.

Walking back to the hotel she felt like a teenager again, their hands intertwined; hearts full and jumpy. Happiness was something that seemed to elude her many times in her life but every moment with Holden…even one shrouded in pain filled her soul with joy.

In the elevator he took her into his arms and kissed her with wild abandon, holding her close to him, trying to burn in his brain the way she smelled, laughed, smiled, tasted.

When they finally came to the room both realized the enormity of it all, and as he let her in, he smiled sadly pulling her close to him, kissing atop her head.

"I have to freshen up" she said pulling away.

He nodded and watched her go.

Her hands trembled as she stripped from her clothes and pulled on the small black lingerie. Looking in the mirror she wished she could see herself through his eyes…the way he looked at her like she was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen…many men had told her she was beautiful…but with him, she could almost believe it.

When the door opened he stood there in a pair of pajama bottoms, candles lit the room, rose petals on the bed.

His eyes drank her in, lust and love mixing together until he felt like a dying man in the desert and she was his last drink of water.

"Carly" he said his words laced with hunger.

She walked slowly to him, those blue eyes reflected back with the same hunger.

"I'm yours Holden Snyder, all yours"

Reaching out he grasped her lithe body to his, skin feeling like fire.

"And I'm yours Carly Tenney, all yours"

The words weren't vows, they didn't change the fact that the morning light would tear them apart….but they were promises of the heart…promises of a love that would live inside of them forever.

_If I had no more time  
No more time left to be here  
would you cherish what we had?  
Was it everything that you were looking for?  
If I couldn't feel your touch  
And no longer were you with me  
I'd be wishing you were here  
To be everything that I'd be looking for  
I don't wanna forget the present is a gift  
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me  
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed_

Cupping her face lovingly he brought their lips together, mouths full of unspoken words that only their bodies could speak. He kissed her cheeks, her eyelids, her nose, and her lips again, down suckling on her jaw line, his tongue leading a trail up to the hard part of her ear. She moaned from the intensity of it all…there was something about this man that made her quiver and pray he never stopped touching her.

Kissing across her neck he came to her pulse point and took into his mouth pulling it between his teeth, softly enough to not mark her porcelain skin. He kissed down her collar bone, soft feather like kisses that made her arch her back to get closer to him. Lips came to the tops of her pert breasts, his hand sliding down the corset. Her dusty rose colored nipples were hardened already. He took one into his mouth, manipulating it with his mouth while his hand caressed her other breast. He made love to her with his mouth, taking turns bathing her breasts with his tongue until she was moaning his name her hands pulling at his hair.

_So every time you hold me  
Hold me like this is the last time  
Every time you kiss me  
Kiss me like you'll never see me again  
Every time you touch me  
Touch me like this is the last time  
Promise that you'll love me  
Love me like you'll never see me again_

Slowly he pulled away, sliding the rest of the lingerie down her body. He peppered kisses on the way down, her rib cage, the curve of her stomach, her hips, down her leg, up her thighs. He picked her up in one swoosh and gently laid her on the bed. He kissed her again before sliding down her body to her sex. His fingers teased at her, until she was arching to him, practically begging him for more. He opened her to him, before his tongue dipped into her. He could feel her start to shake as his tongue attacked her core while his finger simultaneously manipulated her clit.

"Holden" she cried out before he could feel her shudder, the orgasm flooding her body. Letting her ride it out he kissed at her thighs, he couldn't get enough of her.

She watched him rise slowly and she pulled him close to her sliding down the cotton of his flannel pajama pants. Licking her lips she saw him harden before her. She ran her hand down the length of him and could feel his whole body stiffen. She began to pump him achingly slow loving the way his eyes rolled back into his head. Bringing her mouth to him she let her tongue dart out slowly to catch his taste. That elicited a moan that caused her to engulf the length of him in her warm wet mouth. His tasted was addictive, the most powerful drug. He moaned her name; wound his hand into her blonde hair as she pleasured him. Her eyes looked up at him her eyes shining at him that alone was almost enough to make him explode so he gently pulled her away from him.

"I need to be inside of you" he told her.

Nodding, she laid back on the bed as he opened her legs gently bringing him to her.

Gently he whispered to her, "When we make love tonight, Lets take it slow and cherish each other one last time"

His words brought tears to her eyes, "I love you" she admitted.

A sad smile came upon his face, "And I love you" he said before pushing inside of her.

_I don't wanna forget the present is a gift  
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me  
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed_

_(Like You'll Never See Me Again – Alicia Keys)_

In the morning, she would leave him there sleeping…the morning light leaving her heart full and broken…one last kiss upon his perfect face.

"Goodbye Holden" she whispered.

The door closed and he sighed, "Goodbye Carly"


	2. Passions Storm

The scene at Metro was like standing behind the guard rail and watching two trains about to collide…you could either watch in some twisted curiosity, or stupidly jump in the middle as they both destroyed you and each other in the process.

Carly decided that she had been in the middle of Holden and Lily too much as it was…so she simply stayed back her breath lost somewhere between her stomach and her chest.

"_You knew?"_ Lily spat at him the acid from her tongue striking him.

Meg tried to jump in with a few hushed words but Lily ignored her, those brown eyes locked on Holden, "You knew?" she asked again this time more forcefully.

His eyes looked past her for a second and found two blue ones. For a moment he held her gaze, then looked back to his wife, "I just thought…that with all of our problems…I didn't want Dusty to come between us" he tried to explain in hushed tones.

"So you decided that you wouldn't tell me…your wife…that her best friend…the person she mourned for months…that he was alive…because you were worried about him coming between us? You are a selfish bastard Holden Snyder"

She watched as every word hit him like a physical blow…but he stood there and took it. When she was done he reached his hand out to her, "Lily"

"Don't touch me…I'm going down to the station" she said pulling her arm away.

"Lily, please" he begged.

"Let go of me Holden…just let go" she screamed.

By now the crowd was shocked into stunned silence. Lucinda stepped over, "Lily" she said her tone pacifying.

Her eyes were lit with fury, "Don't…I told you, I am not fifteen…get out of my way" she said pushing past her and out the door.

Lucinda turned to Holden, "Aren't you going to go after her?" she asked.

Hands went up and stopped her, "I'm done" he said shaking his head.

After he turned around and walked out the door. Carly swallowed the emotion and came up stage, "Alright let's give it up for our special musical guest, Will Dailey" she told the crowd as the band started to strum another song.

By the second one everything had seemingly went back to normal. Her eyes lingered on the door…fighting the urge to go find him…just thinking about him out there the world on his shoulders made her ache.

If you asked him to explain how he came to the pond, he probably couldn't tell you. One moment Lily was yelling at him and the next minute he was sitting in his now wrinkled suit on a patch of dry grass. The moon reflected off the water casting the trees in a sort of surreal glow. He could smell the rain in the air, and he almost wished it would come and wash it all away.

It had been a mistake…and not just omitting the truth about Dusty to Lily…everything he did for the last month had been wrong…his handling of Ethan's accident…his immediate reconnection with Lily…it was a dream that had died…and going back to it was like trying to breathe new life into a wilted flower…some things were just better left hung out to dry and pressed in a book to preserve the memories they held.

He closed his eyes and tried to remember what it was like to be happy.

"_Who knows…can't we just take it one day at a time and see where it goes from here?"_

"_I think we both know where it goes from here"_

The memory flooded back to him, the warmth flowing through his entire body. He looked at his watch and felt bad for leaving…the benefit was for his family…for the farm that meant the world to them…and all he could think about was his pain.

Small droplets started to fall as he made his way to the car. By the time he came back to town it was a torrential downpour, flashes of light permeating the blackened sky. A bolt of thunder rumbled around him as he ran from the car to Metro's Door.

"Holden, what the hell are you doing here?" she asked as soon as he came running in soaked to the bone.

Looking around her realized that it was later then he had anticipated and the club was empty.

Turning to her he apologized, "So, I felt bad for leaving and thought…it's really late, I'm sorry"

"You okay?" she asked coming closer to him.

Shrugging he looked at the mess of a suit, "I've been better…what are you doing here so late?" he asked taking note of the clock on the wall.

Her hands came to his jacket, "You are going to catch your death Holden Snyder" she said stripping it off of him and hanging it over a barstool.

They both felt the murmur of electricity that sparked whenever they were in close proximity.

"I was waiting out the storm" she told him stepping back to try and avoid the connection.

He smiled at her, "That's a good idea…anyway, I don't want to keep you…I should go"

Before he could say another word a clap of thunder hit and the lights flicked off, on, and then the room went dark.

"Crap" he heard her mutter as she bumped into a table.

Hands reached out to steady her settling on the bare skin of her arms, "Are you okay"

She shuddered at the touch, "I'm good" she managed to sputter out before turning away, "I think I have some candles behind the bar" she said as he followed her.

Hot breath on her neck made her skin tingle with anticipation. She pushed the thought to the back of her mind and started to rummage through a couple of drawers.

"One" she groaned pulling out a solitary candle.

A bolt of lightening struck close and it lit up the darkened club. He smiled, "maybe one will do" he said as she lit it and he sat in on the bar.

The cold of the wet clothes hit his body causing his teeth to lightly chatter together.

"Oh my God, you must be freezing" she said starting to unbutton his shirt.

His hands caught hers as he looked into her eyes, "Carly"

Turning around she broke the connection but she couldn't stop the want for started to gnaw at her insides. Every moment he was in her presence was like the sweetest torture, agony in ecstasy.

"I think I have a blanket in the back, just give me a second" she said scrambling away from him.

For a moment he was going to go after her…instead he stripped out of the wet shirt, out of the pants, socks…until he was left in nothing but black boxer briefs. He went behind the bar and poured himself a shot of whiskey.

"Two blankets" she said coming out smiling.

When her eyes met his they dropped lowering tracing the naked flesh of his torso down to the tight underwear.

"Want a drink" he asked pouring another shot of whiskey for himself, "It warms you right up"

A smile formed on her beautiful mouth, "Pour me one stable boy" she said taking a seat on the top of a table and setting the blankets down.

He handed her the glass, "So what are we toasting to" she asked.

"How incredible you look tonight"

"Holden" she protested.

Instead of responding he clinked his glass to hers and then downed it.

Before he poured another he stared at her making a deep crimson blush rush up her neck, "What?" she asked.

_And How Can I  
Stand Here With You  
And Not Be Moved By You_

"You have the most perfect mouth" he said his finger reaching out to gently run along the bottom lip.

She grabbed his hand, "And you are drunk"

"No, I'm not" he said reaching his other hand to touch the softness of her hair.

_Find Me Here  
Speak To Me  
I Want To Feel You  
I Need To Hear You_

Licking her lips she closed her eyes and tried to steady the rhythm of her heart. When she opened her eyes he was staring down at her, "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met" he said leaning in.

"Holden" she said more as a plea for mercy.

His mouth came to hers soft and hungry and the same time, his tongue sliding through wet lips, the taste of the alcohol mixing with him started to make her forget all the reasons this was wrong.

Slowly she pulled away, "We should stop"

"I never should have let you go" he said pushing a tendril of hair out of her face, "Not when everything inside of me is screaming that it's you"

_You Are The Light  
That's Leading Me  
To The Place  
Where I Find Peace Again_

Crystal blue eyes looked up to him and underneath the puddles he could see into her…he could see that as hard as she was trying to fight it…it was true for her to.

A hand cupped his cheek, "Oh Holden" she said as her last stand…her last half hearted try to stop this thing before it started.

In response his mouth crashed down upon hers again, her arms snaking around his neck, her hands fisted in his hair.

_Would You Tell Me  
How Could It Be  
Any Better Than This_  
_You Calm The Storms  
You Give Me Rest  
You Hold Me In Your Hands  
You Won't Let Me Fall_

As he pulled away she stood up…for a moment he thought she was going to run…and then her hands came to her body and she pulled the black dress over her head dropping it to the floor. Eyes feasted on the peaks and valleys of her flesh. Before he thought one taste would be enough to sate him but it only caused the hunger to grow…each time more then the last...she was like an addiction.

"Is the door locked?" he asked.

Turning around her walked over and turned the lock on the door, the lightening flashing outside illuminating the angles of her face.

_You Still My Heart  
And You Take My Breath Away  
Would You Take Me In  
Would You Take Me Deeper Now_

The walk back to her was torture…and as soon as he was in arms reach he brought his hands to her skin, touching her abdomen, gently making a trail up to her breasts encased in black satin. Nimble fingers caught the snap in the middle and she poured out into his hands. Softly he rubbed them, massaging them, rolling her nipples in between his fingers. She arched to him as he lifted her back onto the table. He spread the blanket behind her and gently laid her back his tongue tracing her collarbone then down her chest cavity, between the valley in between her breasts, down her navel, to her hip bone before grabbing the satin thong between his teeth and pulling them down her leg.

Anticipation was going to eat her alive…and she was going to relish every moment of it. The storm raged on outside…but it was nothing compared to the one coursing through her veins.

He kissed back up her legs, taking times to languish long sweeping kisses across her thighs, his mouth coming to her sex…his tongue darting up to lap at the juices, probing her, suckling at her clit, causing her to wrap her legs around his neck in an attempt to pull him closer. If this was sin, she wanted to burn in hell.

She could feel the orgasm rise in her stomach, flooding the rest of her body with warm, until it finally reached the nerves at her core, and shook her whole body.

The orgasm tore through her and he kept going until she had ridden it out. Then he rose looking at the flush of her skin.

"I love the way you look after" he whispered.

A shy smile came to her face, "You say all the right things" she teased quietly.

Shaking his head, "I say all the true things"

Conflicting emotions came to her eyes and for a second he though it was regret until she looked up at him, "Make love to me Holden Snyder"

Stripping himself of his last article of clothing he leaned over her body, laying the sweetest of kisses on her mouth as he positioned himself to her. He pushed in tenderly, one long fluid sweep inside of her until he was buried to the hilt. Her legs wrapped around him and she encouraged him to start thrusting.

_You Are All I Want  
You Are All I Need  
You Are Everything  
Everything_

Pumping in and out of her slowly at first their bodies fit together perfectly, the electricity building between them as he brought himself in and out, in and out…her body was humming with pleasure, his release building up inside of him.

_You Are All I Want  
You Are All I Need  
You Are Everything  
Everything_

Their eyes met right before the culmination of it all…right before she clenched down on him and he buried himself in her one last time.

Gently he lie down next to her both of their breathings labored, "Wow" she whispered.

He brought his lips to her ear, "Every time"


End file.
