As the World Turns A Blue Christmas   A CarJack FanFic

_*Author's note: This story and the "Unexpected Christmas" story were both written in honor of the 12 Days of CarJack Christmas. If you are interested in viewing the videos that go with the 12 Days of CarJack theme, please go to YouTube and search for "ATWT 12 Days of CarJack" to find all 12 videos._

Carly had stewed the whole way home. _"How dare he_," she thought to herself over and over again. Why was it that she was always held to a higher standard compared to anyone else in his life? She'd just come from seeing Jack out at the farm and the whole thing had just put her in a foul mood. Even Craig and his attempts to cheer her up and take her mind off things could not do the trick. She'd asked him to leave and thankfully he'd done so without too much effort on her part. Craig always had a way of wearing out his welcome, she smirked to herself. However, even that could not erase the one person who was consuming all her thoughts.

Only Jack could make her feel this way. Make her feel this… alive. If she was honest with herself, she'd be able to step back and see what was really going on. However, objectivity had never been one of Carly's strong suits. So instead, she was there in the living room, sitting on the couch… _their couch_… as she poured over the night's events in her mind again and again.

He'd been wearing that ridiculous green reindeer sweater when he'd come over to the house earlier to pick up Parker. It was then that she'd first noticed a hint of what was to come. She'd opened her mouth to comment on his festive attire but then Jack had given her a look. She'd seen it for just a fraction of a second and then it was gone. She looked into his face and recognized something else instead. The pleading look as his dark brown eyes bore into hers. He knew he looked ridiculous and yet he'd donned the sweater anyway. That was just the kind of guy Jack was and she loved him for it. She closed her mouth, proudly bit her tongue and refrained from making several snide comments.

Later on that evening, after arriving at the farm, her eyes immediately looked for him upon entering the kitchen. Past the loud-mouthed, walking cliché that was his wife, her eyes locked onto his and it was as if the rest of the world dimmed. All sounds and other distractions faded away and it was just the two of them. She'd seen it again then. It may have been very brief, but it had been there. A look only reserved for her. His eyes darkened as they swept from her head all the way down to her feet. Her heart immediately began to pound in her chest and she imagined that everyone in the tiny kitchen would be able to hear it. Her eyes fluttered closed and she wet her lips instinctively, effectively breaking the moment. She saw the look of surprise and something more… relief? Could it be that he actually wanted her there? That perhaps he was happy to see her? She searched his face looking for another clue, but he turned away before that could happen.

Things had gone downhill from there. Jack was none too pleased to see that Craig had come with her. She knew it would irritate the living hell out of him. After all, it had been the major reason she'd agreed to let Craig take her over there to begin with. However, as was bound to happen, Craig had just made things worse. Janet had tried to play peacemaker but she was clueless in regards to the history between Jack and Craig. Too much had happened and Janet would never be able to understand. It had also been unfortunate that Dusty, Meg and Eliza had shown up. Carly never, ever would have allowed Craig to come if she'd known they were going to be there. It was that particular incident that drove Jack to pull her outside and away from everything and everyone else.

Carly had gladly exited the overcrowded and tension-filled kitchen. The cold December air felt good and it helped calm her already frazzled nerves. She took several deep breaths before turning around to face Jack. Standing there, alone with him on the porch, was all it took for her to wish to be anywhere but there. Her heart once again betrayed her and reacted to the close proximity of his by beating loudly in her head. He started in on her, questioning what she was thinking about bringing Craig to the farm. Her body felt alive, like it only did around him. While a part of her hated his accusatory tones and harsh judgments, the other part of her relished the closeness and the natural intimacy they both felt around each other regardless of the situation.

He then made a statement that defined what both of them had been feeling but were unable or unwilling to admit. They missed _their_ family, _their_ traditions… and each other. Silence rang out while millions of emotions and unspoken words passed between them. She'd felt it… his own heart beating in unison with hers. While they may not be together anymore, they would always be together in ways that no one else would ever be able to understand, break or come between. Relief that these feelings weren't just her own washed over Carly. She stared into the face of the man who was her entire world whether he wanted to be in it or not. She watched as he eyes darkened once more. His eyes left hers and roamed her face until it landed upon her mouth. She knew what was about to happen. She turned quickly, leaving him there, alone on the porch. She walked as fast as she could out to the car. It was only when she tried to find the keys in her purse did she remember that Craig had driven her there. She swore under her breath and regretted allowing Craig to talk her into coming out to the farm. She wanted to run away and put as much distance between herself and Jack as possible. The pain of everything was just too difficult to deal with. It was still too fresh.

Carly stared up at the sky. There were no stars visible, just the white expanse of clouds. She felt his gentle hand on her shoulder and she slowly turned around to face him. His face was sad and he looked just like she felt. He pulled her into his arms and held her. Memories of Christmases past filled their minds. Nights they spent together curled up in front of the fire. The kids would be in bed, the house was quiet and it was just the two of them. They'd always exchanged presents together on Christmas Eve. The night would always end with them wrapped in each other's arms. While this year would be different, they at least had shared this one tiny moment. Carly looked up and smiled as she saw the first few flakes fall silently to the ground.

"It's snowing," she stated softly.

Jack pulled back and glanced upward and smiled. The snow fell all around them and in that brief instance all was right with the world. Jack spun her around and pulled her close again as they laughed, allowing themselves to forget about the real world. Jack looked into her face and noticed the single perfect snowflake that had landed on her eyelash. The cold night air had given her cheeks a hint of pink. Her eyes were bright and Jack allowed himself to fall for her. He leaned in close. His breath warm against her skin. She held her breath and closed her eyes and waited. His lips touched hers softly, tentatively at first. She released the breath she'd been holding and kissed him back. His hands reached out to her face, holding her. No where else on earth did she ever feel completely safe, but in his arms. She wanted this feeling to last forever but she knew that it couldn't. And that basic knowledge was pure torture. Pride is a powerful thing. Both she and Jack were very much aware of that. She refused to breakdown and let him see her cry. She would not be weak around him. As the kiss deepened, his hand reached up and stroked the back of her hair. It lingered near her shoulder before gradually moving with practiced familiarity down to small of her back. That tiny gesture was enough to cause her to shiver slightly, which did not go unnoticed by Jack. He reluctantly broke off the kiss and gazed down into her face.

"Are you cold?" he asked. His voice was low and she could feel it vibrate deep within her as his arms pulled her closer.

"Just a little," she said softly. It was a lie. Her body felt anything but cold being this close to him.

"Why don't I drive you home. I need to go pick up Sage at Holden and Lily's," he offered. Both of them knew that it was more than just an offer to take her home. She knew he'd either not go through with it or hate himself or her afterwards. Neither was a desirable outcome.

"No, that's ok. I don't want you to go out of your way. Besides, Craig drove me here… he can drive me home," she answered.

At the mention of Craig's name Jack's entire body stiffened. He pulled back and the magic of the moment was gone.

"Fine. I think that would be a good idea. For Meg's sake," he added quickly when he saw Carly's reaction to his words.

"Fine. I'll go get him now," she said turning to head back into the house.

Jack stood there for a moment upset with himself for letting his emotions get the best of him. He prided himself on always being in control. At least he was in most areas of his life. The only exception being Carly. She owned him and there was nothing he could do about it. Of course, he would deny it until he was blue in the face, but if he was really, really honest with himself he'd have to admit that Carly, and only Carly, owned him mind, body and soul.

He looked up into the cold, December sky and watched the thousands of flakes falling to the ground. For a split second everything was as it should have been. She had been there with him and he'd known his heart was home. But the moment was lost and it wasn't coming back. He was married now, to someone who wasn't Carly. Isn't that what he'd wanted? What he'd convinced himself he needed? He wanted peace and quiet and, so far for the few weeks he'd been married, he'd had that. But being near her… near Carly… reminded him of what it meant to feel alive. Really alive. How was he going to be able to handle this? He knew he had to somehow find a way. He'd made his choice and it wasn't fair to Carly, his wife or himself to just change his mind. He needed to come to terms with the fact that Carly was a desirable woman and that there would be other men in her life. Hadn't their history already proven that? He shook his head to clear those thoughts. He was traveling down a dangerous path. Thoughts and images of her flashed through his mind. He'd been thrown for a loop when he'd first seen her tonight. He'd walked through the door of their house… _her house_… all set to pick up Parker. He hadn't expected her to be all dressed up. Why he hadn't expected it was a bit confusing. After all, she always dressed up on Christmas Eve. A part of him believed that since he wouldn't be there, there wasn't a reason for her to do so this year. That thought hurt more than he knew it should. He'd walked in and looked her over from the top of her golden hair all the way down her slender legs to her toes. She had on a pair of black heels. He swallowed instinctively as his mouth was suddenly very dry. Pictures of her with nothing on but those same shoes… making love to her all night long… filled his thoughts. He closed his eyes and touched his heart. He'd made his choice and regrettably he would have to live with it. Slowly and with a heavy heart, he followed her back into the house.

Carly and Craig left shortly after that and eventually Meg, Dusty and the baby had left as well. Jack, once again, found himself outside on the porch only this time alone. Thoughts about the evening and how things hadn't gone anything like he'd planned swam around his head. That's when Janet had found him. She'd tried her best to cheer him up, but really there was nothing she was going to be able to do or say that would make any difference. She'd asked him to go for a walk but he needed to be alone. Needed this time to think. Carly's face kept flashing in his mind each and every time he closed his eyes. How was he going to live a life without her? He'd never really been able to do so in the past. What made him think that he'd be able to now? He sighed and leaned back against the back of the bench. He'd kissed her tonight… he'd wanted to do more. Here he was a married man and he'd kissed a woman other than his wife. But let's face it, Carly wasn't just another woman… she was the love of his life. And nothing would ever change that.

Frustrated with himself, he stood up, determined to focus and try and put the past behind him. He headed into the house and decided to make himself useful and start cleaning up the kitchen. He glanced around and was overwhelmed at all the pots and pans all over the place. He decided instead on taking the bags of presents that Carly had dropped off into the living room and place them under the tree.

The room was dark except for the glow of the tree lights. The quiet of the house had a calming effect on him and he began to feel more like himself. He knelt down and pulled out the packages and placed them around the tree. He got to the bottom of the second bag and found one last gift. It was small and he happened to glance down to see who it was for. It only read _"To Jack" _but he knew instantly that it was Carly's delicate hand that had written the words neatly on the tag. He hadn't forgotten their tradition of opening their presents to each other this night and neither had she. A sad smile crossed his handsome face as made his way over to the sofa. He sat down, slowly untied the ribbon and opened the gift. Inside was a small box. He removed the lid and he laughed quietly to himself as he pulled the tiny ornament out of the box. He held it front of his face as the lights of the Christmas tree reflected off the shiny surface. The needle of the tiny compass ornament twisted this way and that as Jack dangled it in the air. He gently laid it down in his other hand and noticed immediately that the needle settled down and firmly pointed north. He closed his fist around the ornament and held it for a moment or two. He stood up and walked over to the tree and hung the tiny compass near the top towards the star. He stepped back and stared at it for a long while.

"Merry Christmas Carly," he whispered.

Across town, Carly was blowing out the candles around the house. She was getting ready to head upstairs to bed when she noticed the tiny gift on the fireplace mantel. It was for her and without even reading the tag she knew exactly who it was from. She sat down and opened the package and a bittersweet smile spread across her face as she pulled the same tiny compass out of the box that she herself had bought for him. Tears filled her eyes as what-if's filled her thoughts. There was no point in going there again. They'd had their time, a new chapter had begun. She walked over to the tree and hung the tiny ornament.

"Merry Christmas Jack," Carly whispered as a lone tear fell silently on her cheek.


End file.
